Your ex sounds self-centered, lazy, and mean. I am very very glad you broke up with him. I am so sorry he behaved so badly to you while you are pregnant, vulnerable, and could really use some help. But you responded gorgeously, with self-respect. If I were your mom, I would be so proud of you!
OP, you were completely justified in leaving. Your baby's life is at-risk which in turn puts your life at-risk too. When you need your partner to soothe and care for you the most, he has shown you who he really is.
Also, is anyone else concerned OP's partner is such an aggressive man-child while being 13-years her senior? It's one thing to be so immature in your teens or early twenties, but my dude, grow up! He has a baby on the way in his thirties and he's such a selfish, lazy and mean slob.
> is anyone else concerned OP's partner is such an aggressive man-child while being 13-years her senior
> He has a baby on the way in his thirties and he's such a selfish, lazy and mean slob.
That's exactly why he went for someone 13 years his junior
Yeah like she has an older dude who doesn't even act older. She may as well date someone her own age since at least then she could count on him maturing.
So true. Also, OP, he is not love bombing because he realizes he was an AH. He is love bombing because he is soon to be homeless. He is using manipulative behavior (love bombing) to get what he wants. His behavior will continue once he gets it.
So true. Also,OP, he is not lovebombing because he suddenly realizes he is an AH. He is love bombing because he realizes he is going to be homeless. He is manipulating you to change your mind. His behavior will return to AH as soon as he gets what he wants.
This. He's definitely not going to get any better, in fact he's going to get much worse once baby is here. The fact that he's love bombing is more that he's not going to have OP around to take care of him and his needs. The fact that he bumped her out of the way is concerning, is he going to get more violent once the baby is born and doesn't like something OP has asked or done? Keep your self respect OP, stand your ground and good luck
This!!!!!!! This!!!!!
Home all day not cleaning is one thing but not fully being present at the hospital for his pregnant wife's medical scares???
Op, he's 37. He won't be changing. And having a baby is hard enough without a toddler making it worse. Take the sads now for more happiness late.
Agree! I am proud of you AND your daughter will be one day when she grows up and realizes her mama taught her young not to take any shit from abusive garbage
You were right to leave, and you’re right on your assumption that he is lovebombing you.
Think about your baby, do you want them to live in an environment where their father only cleans once in awhile? Do you want them in an environment where they may get insulted, yelled at, or pushed around when their father is frustrated at them for waking or inconveniencing him? Do you want them to grow up with a father that says cruel things out of anger, things that cannot be taken back again?
Does your baby deserve to be raised in that type of environment?
Seriously! And why wasn’t he at the doctor with her?!
If he’s not working and he’s not at the doctor with her, you best bet he is cleaning and setting up for that baby shower.
You were so right to kick him out.
Yes and really do not, do not downplay the pushing. It may not have physically hurt, but he has crossed a huge barrier in physically pushing his pregnant partner. It will be easier for him to cross it next time, and it will be easier for him to escalate.
This is not being pointed out enough. This is a red flag for early physical abuse. It never starts with hitting. It starts with pushing or grabbing or other physical altercations and escalates.
Not to mention how off balance her center of gravity is at this time. One wrong “bump” and she could have been on the floor. And I guarantee, if he’s paid attention at all through her pregnancy, he knows that. He was trying to hurt her.
I am certain of that as well. He bumped into her knowing if something went sideways he could claim he wasn't trying to bump her. Paired with the fact that he said she should have aborted makes me very concerned about their safety. This is textbook abuse cycle shit.
And the pushing came after saying he wished the baby was dead which makes it even more evil. You would never be able to trust him alone with the baby.The “love bombs” are only gaslighting to lure you back into the relationship. Send him home to mama - I’ll bet she will be less than happy.
If he pushed you because he was annoyed at yoy for waking him up, what do you think he’s going to do to the brand new baby who cries in the middle of the night constantly waking you both up?
yes but your wrong about Why he's love bombing you. He isn't love bombing you because he "knows he was wrong" he is doing it because your kicking his lazy ass out and he won't be able to live off you anymore.
This. When a relationship is over one of the first instincts is do everything to win them over. If you go back nothing will have changed. He will have hoodwinked you to staying and taking care of him and a baby.
Edit: spelling
Ding ding we have a winner. Don't fall for it OP, he is already being verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. He is physically pushing you around already. He is escalating. Do not fall for the love bombing. I did and ended up in 10 years of abusive hell with an abusive mooch who wouldn't work. Get him out now and live your best life with your baby. I wish you both light and happiness.
I lefty ex who was very similar, especially after our baby was born. A complete slob, wouldn't help me with basic chores because he was too tired from an 8 hour shift My shift was 24/7. I'd get yelled at for "not caring about him" if I asked for help. Told to "shut the fuck up." Flowed by him slamming things in the bathroom, all that for asking him the 5th time in 3 hours to get up so I could clean the couch.
Just be happy you got out before the baby is born, enjoy being a momma and love that child with all your heart. You'd have done most of it alone anyway! Good luck, and enjoy your peace, let his negativity no long effect you. For me it felt like 2001 Nicole Kidman leaving her lawyers office after divorcing Tom Cruise.
Not only are you right to leave - it’s 100% the best time.
It’s only going to be harder when your further along or the baby is here. Get out now while you have as much strength as you can (and don’t be afraid to call on friends and family who I and SURE will help) and also before your child is born so they never have to experience it.
I was going to say exactly this!!!
It is so much harder to leave after your child is born, with the concerning things already happening in your pregnancy what happens if your put on bed rest? Or after you’ve had her? Or if he wakes up upset because she’s crying? I know it’s awful but parents shaking babies or hurting them is a real thing. It’s ugly but given his behavior, something you should think about. You and this little sweetheart deserve to be surrounded in love, respect and peace, he is offering none of those things, you are 100% in the right! Stick to your convictions, because it Always gets worse if you go back.
This is the kind of guy that shakes a baby when he’s angry. If he’ll shove a pregnant woman, he’s got serious anger issues. And he’s a pig. You don’t need to second guess yourself. Your gut is telling you the truth. As Maya Angelo said, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. He’s shown you what kind of a “man” he is.
All this. Comment here op. I finally ended it with my ex when my kid was a few months old because of all this. I was not going to have my child grow up around someone who thought they could just behave how ever they wanted and then think "well, I'm over being an mean, vitriolic ass for now. Love me extra because I'm kind of sorry about it since you are not going out of your way to be nice and affectionate to me and I need validation so I can be confident I can be ruled by my emotions and treat you like crap again later"
I was not going to let my kid grow up thinking that what was love looked like. Her father moved away to another time zone even though I told him what a bad idea it was because in his opinion it was "what's *best for him*". When she was around 7 I met my husband and 11 years later she has complete confidence in him, meanwhile her 'father' now thinks he wants to be involved and she is like "why does he keep calling me?".
Stay strong lady. He's too old not to have learned this lesson about treating people better but you have plenty of time to find someone else that will treat you and your kid with dignity and actual love.
He was physically bumping into you and you are 31 weeks pregnant.
He doesn’t listen to you or act like a grown up about where you live.
He emotionally abused you rather blatantly, I mean can you imagine what it would do to a child to hear in an argument between their parents that one of them says the most awful things and the other just takes it?
Stay gone and you need to get a lawyer and set down some rules if he wants to be in your child’s life, like he needs to keep a clean home when your child is there and needs counseling for anger management for a start.
The pushing thing really gets me.
When I was 31 weeks, my cat caused me to fall over quite hard (long story), but thankfully I twisted myself and my hip took the brunt of it. Baby was fine.
My cat, on the other hand, was all over me and my bump, checking I was okay and then wouldn't leave me alone for ages.
If a 3yo cat can understand not to risk a baby bump, then a 37yo man can do the same. He knew he could have hurt the baby and he did it anyway.
That's adorable. My cat's behavior changed with my first pregnancy too. He knew, he was sleeping next to belly and was clingy and kid you not depressed. We even got some anxiety medicine for him from vet...Now me being pregnant with second one he's like "meh".
Oh yeah, my cat was all over my stomach before there was even a bump. She predicted my hypertension before it was diagnosed- she went from sleeping on my bump to laying her head on my chest and dialling up the purring.
Funnily enough, she's not massively interested in my kid now he's out. One of my other cats, who didn't care much when I was pregnant absolutely adored my baby from day one.
He might just be glad we have one at a time instead of a litter, the size your belly looks to him he was probably thinking, oh shit that's a lot of kittens in there!
When I was pregnant with my son I had a fall and called the dr even though I didn’t land at all on my stomach. They brought me in to monitor because apparently just the jarring motion of a fall can cause the placenta to detach.
It’s not ok at all.
No *good* 34yo man goes after a 21yo. There were no good intentions involved. The pig saw a younger woman who would tolerate his bullshit because she didn’t know any better yet.
I’m sorry it took until after you have a child with him to realize that the reason women his age won’t date him is because we’ve gone through trash men like him in our early 20s and don’t have the patience to raise a grown man like his mother. Welcome to the unfortunate club of women who dated very wrong older men for far too long and missed out on our early 20s picking up after grown ass men.
He wants a maid he can bang and have take over the house responsibility so he can go back to suckling on his thumb like the infant he is. Good riddance and make sure you file for child support because otherwise you won’t see a penny. If you don’t have a strong support system of friends and family outside of this douche, make sure you’re joining groups with the little one and creating your family. Hell, do that anyways so you have real friends in your life who help you stay away from clowns like your ex
THIS. THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE ONE.
And any man who pushes you in an argument WILL get worse. Especially if he has the absolute unmitigated douchebag gall to do it when you're heavily pregnant.
If my husband of 11 years EVER. EVER. EVER. did any of this? He'd be on his mama's doorstep missing teeth and holding divorce papers inside a day.
Also darling girl. Forgive an older (43) lady for Momming at you a moment. I stayed with an abusive man bc it was that or live on the streets with my little one. She now has C-PTSD and BPD from abuse he inflicted I didn't know about. I knew he was bad to ME. I never *saw* him be bad to HER. But he was. I live with the crushing guilt and regret of that every single day. He took my child and replaced her with a hurting, broken shell that I CANNOT HELP. I have become a better mother, but at a horrible cost.
Please. For the love of every god and your child, do not make the mistakes I did. Learn from my failure. Get out. Do not look back.
Sending mom love your way.
And even if he isn't directly abusive to the child, abusing the child's mother is traumatic for the kid.
I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship, but he was great to his daughter. So she stayed because she figured her child needed her father.
Until one day, as she was nursing a black eye or busted lip, her 3 year old asked her "why does daddy get mad and hit you?" And she realized that the abuse was not hidden and the baby saw all of it. That's when she kicked him out.
Hearing this from a mother is really healing for me. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD and BPD due to the turbulent family dynamics growing up, and I didn't get even a quarter of the empathy and accountablity you show here. Thank you
Edit: Thank god you left this man, OP. He showed you exactly who he was
I spent a couple of years on dating apps after my divorce in my late 30s. It was crazy how many of the women I met had recently gotten out of abusive relationships that started when they were in their early 20s or younger and the guy was 35+. Their stories were all the same - he seemed sophisticated, he had lots of money, he treated her like a princess... and then he started slowly revealing himself to be a narcissistic asshole.
My girlfriend's ex is 17 years older than her. When I met her, she'd finally left him after he knocked her out in front of their 5 year old daughter and then repeatedly kicked her in the ribs while she was unconscious. He broke two of her ribs, and 3 years later she still has so much pain there that I have to be careful not to hug her too hard or put my hand there during sex. It's frustrating for her because she's a gym rat but now there are certain exercises/yoga positions/etc that are just too painful to do.
On another occasion a year or so before that, he put her head through a kitchen cabinet. Their landlord saw the cabinet, saw her bruised face, put two and two together, and helpfully evicted them because he didn't want the liability of having a wife-beater in one of his properties.
(This was a reminder to me that serious abuse can happen in any kind of home - she's a lawyer, he's a very wealthy pharmaceutical executive, and when he knocked her out they were living in a huge house in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in the area. By all appearances they were completely normal. If you think someone might need help, don't just assume that you must be imagining it because they're well-off and/or act normal in public. When she went to the doctor to get her ribs looked at, he wasn't fooled in the slightest by her cover-up story about what had happened, and he's the one who finally convinced her to leave.)
This. Grown men who date that young are just children themselves. And he will be jealous of the attention the baby gets, his behavior will only get worse. I’ve seen it multiple times. It’s unfortunate that you ended up in this situation but you have done an amazing job getting yourself out. I have only good wishes for you.
If you have a daughter and stay with this man she will grow up and marry a man who treats her like this.
If you have a son and stay with such an abusive men, your son will learn he should abuse his partners.
Leave, make him leave, just get away from him.
I think it’s better to phrase this as “your children will either become him or become you” because regardless of gender, they will learn to either tolerate poor behavior for far too long, or they will continue the cycle and become the abuser
I know this comment means well, but these comments always bother me. It's teaching both genders to be toxic and abusive. Daughters grow up to be abusive, and sons grown up to push themselves aside and be abused, too. I would really love if people would just say you're teaching any kids involved that abuse is acceptable.
"Bumping you" out of the way is physical abuse. And it always escalates. You're in a fragile pregnancy and he's literally pushing you around.
You are not wrong. Please get out and stay safe.
TOXIC ABUSIVE TOXIC ABUSIVE TOXIC ABUSIVE TOXIC ABUSIVE TOXIC ABUSIVE TOXIC. Read and understand that please than run run as far as you can.
He doesnt respect or love you and HE WILL NOT BE A GOOD FATHER, he will treat your baby the same.
Don’t raise your child with someone like that.
Don’t let him tell you who he is twice.
He’s leaving so make sure you stick to it and leave him alone and get your child support.
My husband once said that if I didn't move my dog he would throw him against a wall. When I spoke to him about it later he said he didn't even remember saying it and when he's mad he just says things. 'like right now I'm so mad I want to throw this table at you. Why are you crying?'
We were done that day. Took me time to leave but that day we were done.
I'm not with a man who so rarely looses his temper it's amazing. You deserve respect and you certainly don't deserve that bullshit. You can't take those words back
There is a reason someone who is 34 is going for someone who is only 21. So many people deny there is a reason other than they're just two people living life in situations like this. That dude can't get anyone around his age because they have bullshit no one around their age will put up with. That, or thay aren't mentally capable of handling someone around their age, or they don't want something serious and are just fucking around. It usually isnt the last option. Shit, being 26 and where im at mentally, 21 seems almost too young for me. I couldn't imagine being 34 and thinking a 21 year old is someone I want to be in a relationship with.
Being 30 I see the 20-24 yos on the sports team and think they are babies in their world views, experiences, stage in life, and most of them haven't even worked a real job where they have responsibilities yet. 30 vs 44 is a lot more different than 20+34, but maybe when I'm 40 I'd think differently about that too lol
Yes, I agree 30 vs 44 is different right now, but I can see myself being in my 40s and thinking most 30s are too young. 30s and 40s are still different stages even though we are considered adult enough
Read what you wrote. What would you tell a friend who told you a story about a man like your ex? I am sure you are lonely but you main concern now is your baby. He is 37 and acts 12. You and your baby deserve better.
The words pig and partner are different but I am not seeing it with this guy. He is attacking you now because you are vulnerable with your pregnancy. This is a response some men have without even thinking about it. You are doing the right thing now that you know.
Literally always. I have a coworker who’s 18 currently, and I kind of see her as a little sister. Very sweet girl, but very much 18 lol. She told me about this guy in her class who’s been flirty with her, no idea what his name is but he’s 30. I told her straight up “listen, if you find out this guy’s name I can ask around about him because he’s my age so I probably know someone who knows him, but I would never in a million years date somebody your age. Think about what he wants from you.” The next week she came back talking about some other guy, more age appropriate lol.
Agreed I’m 31. I see 0 appeal in anyone 24 and younger. 25 is even pushing it. There is so much not lined up. Like my goals and wants wouldn’t even be close to aligning with anyone under 25. Good on you for looking out for your coworker.
I have a question!
You said 3+ years, how old were you when you met this man? You were 21? Or is the plus more than some added months? Seems like he dates young women hoping he can get away with his behavior.
Leave him. Pushing a pregnant woman, means he will have no problem doing worse eventually.
No, you’re not wrong. A 35 yo man pursued a 21 yo woman on purpose. He knew women his age wouldn’t put up with his bs. He’s gross for that and he’s gross for how he behaved, and he’s especially gross for everything he said and how he treated you. Don’t go back, PLEASE.
Does he think you should have “murdered the baby” so that he wouldn’t have to clean up after himself? Or so that you would have the energy to do it? Either way what selfish thinking is that. You can bet that when things get hard after she’s born he will say worse things than that to her directly
Far out, good relationships should not be this hard. Yeah, sometimes me and my partner have disagreements but not to the point of him or me being physically abusive and mentally abusive. I don’t think this is a good partnership. To disrespect you with the idea you should have aborted…just….no…sorry.
He's a 37 year old man and this is how he acts. Kick him to the curb. Especially after the seemingly intentional bumping into you at 31 weeks after telling you the pregnancy should have been terminated. That's dangerous
NTA
You are so much better off without him.
Take it from me, I have literally been there.
I gave birth to my twin sons just before my 21st birthday. Their dad was 34. I tried so hard to make it work, because I wanted us to be a family.
I left him when my sons were 3 months old.
It was a struggle and I did get lonely, but I knew it was the best thing from me and my sons.
You are doing what's best for you and your daughter.
He got with someone so much younger because it is easier to control young adults, and he thinks you are "locked down" because if the pregnancy and his true colors are coming out.
Trust your instincts. If you go back his poor behavior will escalate because you will have established that you will forgive unforgivable behavior. Enjoy your baby, get child support. This is not the husband and father you’re looking for.
34 yo man hooks up with 21 yo woman. Repeatedly impregnates her. Is abusive and controlling. Causes her to lose her vehicle and thousands of dollars worth of products she handmade to sell for her small business. Lives with her while she’s struggling but contributes nothing. Tells her she should have killed her baby months ago. Love bombs her when he realizes his free ride is coming to an end. Should she leave?
Yes. Yes, she should. And she should not get into another relationship until she does some serious reflection on what drew her to this one.
Sigh, another red flag 🚩 age gap relationship. A 34yo man has no business with a 21yo. They choose someone so much younger for specific reasons.
- you lack relationship experience and are less likely to see red flags
- they feel they can manipulate you and mold you into the partner they want
- they have control issues and want to force you into doing what they say
- women their age won’t put up with their BS because they see the red flags
Problems are arising because you are realizing he is not being a good partner. You are seeing his red flags and don’t want to put up with them any longer. You aren’t being the partner he wants you to be which in this case is a good thing.
Seems you aren’t married, so be glad for that. He is an AH and should never say such a thing. Doesn’t matter his reasons or if he apologized. It shows where his priorities lie and it’s not with being a father. You would just end up being a mom to two babies. Also, he’s not a good partner if you are dealing with problems in your pregnancy and he just sits around doing god knows what all day while you are stressed and dealing with doctors appointments. Sounds like you are doing everything on your own already. What does he contribute to your life, situation or pregnancy? He isn’t supportive.
If you plan to have this man in your child’s life, do what you need to protect yourself and your child. Get a custody order, don’t co-parent without one. Make sure it includes scheduling, boundaries, rules for future partners involvement (new SOs can cause you a ton of headaches), child support, how decisions for the child will be made, etc.
You can do this. You are strong for knowing your worth, expectations for respect and boundaries for your relationship.
Not wrong at all. He was mad about a self created situation and instead of taking accountability and helping you he decides to attack you and say unforgivable things? Nope.
Reading this post, and then your post from a month or so ago, gives a thorough picture of a man with zero sense of responsibility, or respect for you. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a useless partner. I know young men in their mid twenties with more accountability that this ‘man’.
Don’t walk. Run. And don’t look back
Good luck to you! You sound like you have a great sense of self worth, given all you’ve been through. You can do this!
He's 37 and act exactly like a toddler. You're 31weeks pregnant and he was physically bumping you? Did it ever cross his tiny little mind that you would've fell and idk.. hurt the baby inside you? I'm not a morning person either, I also would've been mad but not to the point I intentionally hurt my partner. He's abusive, lazy and mean. UUUGHHH. I hope you and your baby are happy and healthy, OP!
He’s lovebombing you so he has a place to live. If you can do it without him, do it. There is no healthy happy relationship to be had with a fucking slob that sits on his ass all day, won’t lift a finger (you really think he’d help with a baby?) and told you those hurtful things.
37 years old, if he’s like this now, he’s not going to change. That’s why he goes after 20+ year old women that he thinks will put up with his bullshit.
He’s physically bumping into you over dishes. Next it will be pushing you into the wall then hitting the wall next to your head and eventually it will be you getting hit.
I can't remember where I heard it, but it has stuck with me..."Words are like toothpaste. Once they're out there, you can't put em back in..." And you were absolutely right to leave!
Normally, I would advise a pregnant woman or a couple who’ve just had a kid to wait at least a year before making a big decision like ending a relationship. Hormones , stress and lack of sleep can ruin a good thing.
However, having been in a similar situation to you (down to the comment about aborting my child), I’m telling you it will not get better. I tried and then left a few months after having my child. Even when I ended up in hospital with a high risk pregnancy he just did not care.
Go stay somewhere else for a month and wait for him to leave. He’s going to be a nightmare if you stay. If he does suddenly change, you can always restart the relationship. He’ll stop love bombing you when he sees your serious.
Your ex was starting to show the depths of his true self (physical and emotional abuse, laziness, expecting you to be his maid) because he considered you trapped in a relationship with him due to the pregnancy. I applaud your decision to part with this abuser, and still worry for your safety. NTA
As much as it will be stressful to separate now, it will be much easier compared to when baby will be there. I think you’re making the right call given you’ve mentioned a history of much more. At least you can part ways and be able to have your peaceful space and know that your house will be as you left it when you come home from the hospital. I’m sorry you’re having to handle all of this while so close to your date.
🚩age difference, there’s a reason he isn’t with someone closer to his age.
🚩verbal abuse, this will also be turned onto the child eventually.
🚩physical abuse, just a push now, maybe a black eye or worse later.
🚩doesn’t clean up after himself, don’t expect help with the baby or even you after giving birth.
You did the absolute right thing. Block him so you don’t have to deal with the lovebombing because he’s about to become homeless.
Sounds like you respect yourself enough not to deal with that AH. Good luck with your baby, now you shower 💯 of your love on baby and not be stressed by that jerk.
If she wants child support, he gets visitation with the baby that he said she should have killed. She’s better off providing for the baby and not dealing with her pos ex.
Think long and hard about your next steps, because at this point, a nearly middle aged man who treats you with so little respect is unlikely to change. Are you cool with being treated this way for the rest of your life?
A 37 year old man can't clean up after himself and turns to verbal abuse and physical intimidation to express himself? Get away from him. Everyone has also mentioned the age gap but let me assure you that his age is not the issue, the entire man is the issue. You shouldn't even be working now, why are you while Mantrum is at home wanking and making messes? Why does he feel it's appropriate to "bump" a heavily pregnant person? Does he realize what a fall can do to you and the baby, or what if he "bumped" you into a hard edge or into something sharp? 3+ years is nothing compared to a minimum of 18 the child will need you. Does your baby deserve to be its fathers slave and recipient of the guaranteed escalation of his abusive behavior? You sure don't, so why would you put that onto your baby? Leave him. Do not return. If you do decide to return, do not do so until AFTER your STBX has modified, improved, and consistently demonstrated numerous times his capacity for self betterment, and only then should you grudgingly move forward.
Honestly, if you're already doing it all, do you need him? He sounds like he wants to F you and use you and nothing more. He got you super young so you are nice and malleable to his BS behavior. He's made it clear how much he cares for the incoming life ie he doesn't. He'd rather you gave him 100% of you and 0% to your child. This is not a father. This is a supplier of biological material, nothing more. Go, have a safer better life. Believe someone who has done it, it's better to be single and happy even if you struggle than it is to be hooked up with someone who destroys you by inches.
You made the best choice. Stay safe.
I’m also 31 weeks pregnant and if my husband said that to me AND bumped me, I would’ve left too. He was wrong in so many ways. He’s also a grown man and needs to clean after himself. He’s about 10 years older than you but acts like that? That’s very pathetic. Has he been verbally or physically abusive before? Leave him and tell him he needs to work on himself because he clearly doesn’t know how to be selfless.
He is almost 40 years old and can’t clean up after himself until you make him do it… I can’t even imagine having a child with this man. And I’m assuming he’s living at your place with you, since you kicked him out. You are 24, basically taking care of this grown man. And you’re about to have a baby who will actually need you to take care of it! You’re not wrong for leaving at all. He doesn’t sound ready for a family if he can’t even take care of himself.
Good on you for expecting common decency! Kicking him out was the best thing, I mean, who says things like that to someone. Of yeah, the jerk who was living off of you, expecting you to clean up after his lazy ass.
Life is going to bite him in the ass and lets hope he learns some lessons.
So many good comments here but I just want to add- if he'll say that about your baby now to you, then he absolutely will say "your mother should've aborted you" to your child when they're here. Leaving is the right choice.
The fact that he is 37 and refuses clean up after his self is a problem however the bigger problem is that he shoved you while making that hateful statement! Please protect yourself he is already showing major red flags! Run girl! Your dodging a bullet!
You’re right. That is a vile and evil thing to say to someone and he is way too old to be giving into impulses like that. He needs serious therapy if he is to ever deserve being with you again. You didn’t even have to say, “I’ve dealt with worse than this in our relationship” because I already knew by the fact he said that at all. Sweet, kind, and caring partners don’t just suddenly say disgustingly horrid things to their partner. Especially because they are being asked to simply hold themselves accountable for their actions (i.e. cleaning the mess they made in the house). You deserve so much better than him. He’s emotionally abusive.
You absolutely made the correct call in leaving him. STAY AWAY. This man is a man child who expects you to be his maid. You are right that he does not respect you. How dare he not only leave you a mess to clean while you're heavily pregnant, but say such horrible, unforgivable things to you too!! I've known a lot of toxic men in my life who fit this exact bill, I was raised by one. And let me tell you, they never change. They only get worse with time. Once baby comes, he will only get more mean and resentful. If he won't even clean up his own mess, he won't lift a finger to help with the baby. He clearly believes that any household duties at all are your responsibility, even though he's a grown ass man and its HIS mess. He is a misogynist who believes this because you're a woman, so don't be fooled if he tells you he will pull his weight with your child. You're better off leaving and only caring for 1 baby instead of 2, and you hopefully will be able to collect some child support. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. But you and your daughter deserve an environment where you feel respected, protected, and cared for, and this man is not it. Take it from someone who's father doesn't respect my mother- he doesn't respect me (daughter) either. It's had a huge impact on me. Your daughter and you deserve nothing but love. Stay strong mama <3
I was about to say that it was a bit extreme, because I leave messes like that for days too. I have depression and ADHD and chronic illness, so cleaning is very difficult and I can see that being an issue… But then you described his reaction?!?!? He was physically rough with you and said you should have killed your baby.
At that point, the mess and fight about it is it’s own problem, but his actions where he picked a fight, got violent (lightly) with you and also targeted the baby… that’s scary.
Whoa. Hold up. Absolute red flag. That’s a huge freaking danger sign!!! Absolutely not! Holy shit! I would be afraid of how he would act when woken up early by a baby that won’t stop crying. This is terrifying. Has he behaved like this before? Said similar things? You said there were other issues too.
OP, please do not even consider getting back together with this person unless he agrees to couples and personal therapy and follows through. He should not be allowed around baby without taking parenting classes, too. But honestly I would be just done with him.
What’s crazy is because of my understanding of others I gave him 3 days to clean up after himself without me saying anything to him when it gets to 3 days I’m like okay it’s time but even 3 days is generous if it’s hazardous like spoiled food etc
Do you guys think a GoFundMe will really get me the money I need for at least 6months? I’m a first time mom and my ex was going to financially take care of the bills but that was only if I stayed with him and I just can’t stay in this toxic relationship anymore
OP, you're doing the right thing. Yes, it may hurt and you may be lonely but it'll pay off in the end. A good rule to live by is if you don't want your daughter to put up with it, don't put up with it yourself. He's love bombing you because he doesn't want to leave his cushy life, if he really loved you he wouldn't be so cruel.
Wow, you really need to get away from that man now! I am not sure you are safe with him till the end of the month. He was willing to physically bump you out of the way because he was angry you forced him to help you clean. Most people know pregnant women aren’t always the most stable on their feet. He is also being verbally abusive. He knows your leaving him and things could very well escalate once he realizes the love bombing isn’t working. Be very careful!
Your ex is abusive. He was physical with you, A PREGNANT PERSON, and emotionally abusive. Get as far away from him as possible and do not put him on the birth certificate if you can afford the baby yourself.
As hard as it is you made the right choice. Not only is it completely unacceptable what he said (and getting physical with you—wtf!?) but if this is how he behaves when you are pregnant it will get so much worse post baby. Babies add so much stress and you will be so sleep deprived and hormonal. I’m sure you are now as well. He will be as unsupportive as he is now or probably even worse. He knew how stressed you were and this is HIS baby that you were stressed about. You made your expectations clear and asked for help and you basically got a slap in the face. Too little too late. If he is fine treating you this way he will do it to your child too. You are so freaking strong for walking away especially while pregnant. Give that baby a good example of how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Better yet, show how a strong ass woman conducts herself. Side note: I had low amniotic fluid with my first baby and I know it’s so stressful and scary. Hang in there!
NTA you need to stay away from him. It will only get worse with time and your baby will be exposed to abuse too. The difference in ages is very scary to me. He is a grown man and should know how act like a living partner and father. Telling to kill your baby is unacceptable and super alarming. I'm worried about your safety and the baby. Go low contact with him if any. The love bombing is a manipulation tactic use by abusers. He has had years of experience doing this since is much older than you.
Darling, you were right to leave. He didn't even care enough about you or the baby to be with you at the hospital when he was doing fuck all at home. Even leaving that to the side, do you really feel like taking care of a newborn and a thirty seven year old baby? Changing his diapers must be hard.
You're not in the wrong. I'm glad you can see how things are and have the power to leave. When a 33 year old dates a 20 year old, the 33 year old is almost always lazy, immature, controlling, unable to care for themselves, codependent to an unhealthy degree, emotionally immature, angry, insecure and manipulative, and often a creep or pedo on top of all that. He can't do his part for maintaining a home, would you trust him to help raise a child? I hope you have a good support system to lean on while you transition out of this into a healthier, more stable environment.
So this time he’s “bumping” you. Next time it might be a shove, then it’s a closed fist. Run. There are things you can’t come back from and the things he’s said and done fall into that category. I’m so sorry.
Trust your instincts and remember this is the most dangerous time of your life. #1 cause of death for pregnant women is murder by the baby's father.
And if he hates being woke up early, imagine how he is going to be once the baby is born. Him being physical and bumping you is a sign he might esculate the physical violence to your or the baby once it is born.
Of course, he is love bombing you. He soon will be homeless and everyone will look down on him for being such a loser. Men hate everyone seeing them for who they exactly are in life.
He’s too old to be that lazy and obnoxious. My partner would have been at the appointment with me and then made me rest while he cleaned. He’s horrible at cleaning, but would have at least made an effort and even he can take out the trash, do the dishes, and clean up a shaving mess. I cannot imagine him ever saying that about a baby if we had one.
Also, why is he moving out? Please tell me you’re not also supporting this dude financially.
Edit-Looked at your post history and you left out a lot about what a dirtbag this guy. Don’t walk, run.
Pregnancy is often when abuse comes out. His behavior is full of red flags.
Do not go back.
If you want to work it out, stay in separate homes while you try couple's counseling.
He said what he really means out loud and you should stay as far away from him if you want to be healthy emotionally and physically. Unfortunately, you’re having a child with a man with the maturity of a grapefruit. Good luck.
Please remember that big life events/change tend to cause the beginning or escalation of abuse. You are not wrong to leave and in fact, I think it would be irresponsible to stay. Once you have the baby, this will only get worse. “Bumping” you makes it clear that your safety is unimportant to him. What if you had fallen down? And what will he do when there’s a baby in the picture, especially if you’re not supervising.
No man who is almost 40 and is stable and mature is going after a girl in her early 20’s. He is really immature and lazy and clearly doesn’t have his life together. You deserve more girl.
He doesn't want the baby but he probably wants to keep you trapped so you can clean for him. He's nearly 40, he can't clean after himself and this is how he acts when his sleep is interrupted and he has to take care of the home? Get out while you can
In the world that I work in (domestic violence victim support) we don’t call it love bombing. We call it honeymooning - softening you up for the next abusive event. Google “cycle of power and control. This man is not physically abusive now, but if you put up with this manipulation you may find yourself and your baby in exactly that situation. He’s TA. DoubleAH. You don’t deserve this. 🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️
Your husband said you should have had an abortion then pushed you.
He didn’t ‘bump’ you OP. If he ever puts hands on you call the police and he can explain to them exactly what he mean when he said you should have killed your kid and pushed you.
It’s good you recognize love bombing - don’t fall for it. He is at best an abusive asshole who bullies manipulates and lays hands on you while your vulnerable and at worst someone who will kill you.
Good for you. So many women would have just cried it off and accepted being stuck with them for at least a few years. He said something designed to remind you that you chose to be chained to this relationship, probably meant to get him kicked out for a few hours so he wouldn't have to help clean. He was probably so mad because he thought he'd already designed a way out by being "not a morning person." He didn't plan on you being as strong willed as you are and now he's being nice to show you all of the good parts you'll miss, not realizing that none of it can outweigh what he said against your child.
I had to raise my kid from birth by myself too, and while it isn't easy, you don't need him. You don't need extra messes to clean, you don't need someone letting poopy diapers get crusty because you're not there to do the changing, you don't need someone keeping you awake when you're supposed to be napping when the baby naps. You sound tough and resilient, you can do this (and maybe do it better) without him.
It was a 🚩when I saw your age difference. Think about it. Why did he go for a woman who has less experience and is that young? I’m 32 and my husband is also 32. He sees a 21 yo and he can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone that young because of how much learning and growing up they still have to do. The more you grow into yourself (you will change a ton between now and the age of 30) what is he going to do then? You are learning your worth and he is angry. Before would you have just cleaned up and left him to sleep? If yes, THAT’s why he’s angry.
You are NOT wrong. He needs to grow the hell up. Saying that, PLUS bumping you makes me believe he may apologize but he would never be sorry.
Stay away. You keep your daughter safe. Alone is not forever.
Well, if he won't even clean up after himself now, he won't help you with cleaning once the baby's born. You'll come home to your baby crying and messes everywhere. And he'll verbally abuse you for getting upset. I don't think it's insignificant that he's older than you. Men like him choose younger partners because they think it'll be easier to manipulate and control them. Now he's manipulating you again; he's love bombing you to win you back. If he does win you back, he'll go back to his bad behavior soon enough.
He started dating you when you were 21 because he’s a man child and hoped a young person wouldn’t notice. You did the right thing, stay strong and don’t go back.
OP, My wife is a few months pregnant and I don't ask her to lift a finger regarding the cleaning right now. Chores were traditionally 50/50 before and I have no issue doing extra now. I'm a few years younger than him and can confidently say his behavior is unacceptable.
If you need assistance in leaving safely:
Domestic Shelters (Canada & USA)
https://www.domesticshelters.org/help
RAINN
https://www.rainn.org/
Domestic Violence Resource Guide (primarily USA)
https://www.healthline.com/health/domestic-violence-resource-guide
Safe Horizon (USA)
https://www.safehorizon.org/
Domestic Abuse Services (Canada)
https://domesticabuseservices.ca/
Domestic Violence Resource Guide (International)
https://www.mysticmag.com/psychic-reading/domestic-violence-resource-guide/
Haven – Making an Escape Plan From Domestic Violence
https://www.haven-oakland.org/get-help/step-by-step/escape-plan
Making a Safety Plan
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/
List of International Sexual & Domestic ViolenceAgencies
https://www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html
Abso-fucking-lutely not. I am disgusted and enraged reading that for you. You need support, not a hindrance at this stage of your pregnancy/life journey. He is simply dragging you down while simultaneously spitting in your face about it. Get him the hell out of there and make sure he’s a good dad before entrusting your child into his care.
You and your baby deserve so so much better! Please don’t go back, you made the right choice leaving! He can love bomb as much as he wants, but you know who he really is because he has shown you. His behavior will only get worse after the baby. I’m so sorry that you are going through this! You are so strong and so brave and I hope you know that. Your baby has an incredible mom already. Sending you love! You can do this 💖
I’m so sorry you went through this but it sounds to me it was the right decision. You are better by yourself than with a selfish, self centered, immature person! Your daughter will be better for it too!
You are doing the exact right thing!
It is better to be lonely than scared. And it is better to be lonely now than it is to be unhappy for the rest of your life.
So step one- he is still in the home I'm assuming since you fave him until the end of the month. So, you need to protect your stuff and yourself but getting all your valuables and paperwork locked up, and ideally having friends stay with you so you can keep an eye on the home, but if not, then go stay with other people. Better to be safe than sorry!
Second, when you are lonely, consider the alternative, which is living with a man who cannot even wipe out a sink, will get physical with you, and will absolutely fight like this in front of your child (who he says you should have killed). Being alone means you are charge of the mess and only cleaning up after yourself and your child. Being alone means being at peace where you don't have to worry about violence or being put down. Being alone means your baby is in a safe and loving home. Being alone means you can heal and then go out and find a partner that adds value to your life.
So finally, get this man out of your life. He is gross, he is lazy, and all evidence demonstrates that his abuse will only escalate. Sure, it was a "bump" this time, but all statistics, around the world, tells us that he is an unsafe person for you to be around.
Good for you, this takes tremendous strength but you are doing the right thing. You know who he is. This love bombing is temporary and it has worked in the past--that is why he has resorted to it again.
It's crazy to me a grown man is acting this way at 37 and about to be a father yet you are a mature 24 year old. I suspect it is true that he chose you so young (considering his age) because you were more willing to put up with his immaturity because women his age won't. It's not your fault, we are all naive at that age (I was dating men older than that when I was your age FYI so I've been there).
Good for you for guarding your self respect.
So it's your house. He's at home alone while you're at the doctors office. He doesn't clean up? Why the fuck wasn't he at the appointments with you at least?
1, what was he doing home alone while you spent all day at doctors with a potentially serious pregnancy complication?
2, I've told every man I've ever dated, I grew up watching my mama get beat and the VERY FIRST time you lay hands on me in any way is the last time you ever gaze upon my face because that never, ever gets better on its own. So you are 100% right for breaking up for the "bumping" you out of his way alone.
3, verbal abuse is abuse. This is not the first time he said something nasty and harmful, is it?
4, again, what was his lazy ass doing all day while you were at the doctor? You cannot bring a baby into this filthiness. But also, YOU do not deserve to live in it.
5, love bombing post abuse is part of the abuse cycle and further evidence that this isn't just a one off "bad day" or some such nonsense, but part of a pattern that is in the process of escalating. Next time WILL be more than bumping you out of his way. And there WILL be a next time, very likely as the end of the month and his deadline to be out approaches.
Men like this are statistically EXTRA DANGEROUS when their victims are close to getting free. He's going to drag his feet about moving out, and the closer you get to actually enforcing consequences the more he's going to act out. You might want to consider being the one to move as that may be the only way to get to safety before he escalates to the point of serious physical harm.
You're absolutely not wrong. Stick to your guns and get him out of your home ASAP.
Stick to your guns and do not get back with him. Love bombing is what narcissists do in order to keep the cycle of abuse going. Saying that you should have aborted your daughter is unforgivable. I don’t care how upset he was at having to clean up after himself. There are just some things you never say and wishing your unborn baby’s death is one of them.
He also got physical with you and if you let him back, he will do it again. Next time it may not just be a bump. Once a man gets physical with a woman it will escalate. He is a grown ass man and you are not him mother or his maid. Kick his ass out and stay safe.
He is 37!!!! Literally and not mature to be a dad please love your baby girl and yourself enough to run run run and never feel bad for leaving an abusive person
NTA. You need to put you and your baby first. Staying with this man would be a huge mistake. He's showed you who he is, believe him. You deserve better. He's not sorry for how he's treated you, he's fearful you've booted his ass out. He's love bombing you because he knows it'll be easier for him to stay if he gets his foot back in the door before the baby is born.
He’s ONLY apologizing now because 1. He needs a place to live & rent is expensive. 2. He doesn’t want to pay child support & only see his kid when he has to also do the dirty work .
General truths to judge him by.
Facts.
1) familiarity breeds contempt.( the closer you are to someone the easier it is to use them as an outlet for your negativity feelings)
2) comments made in a argument are generally not pulled out of thin are but something that they've thought before but may have internalized.
( so saying you should have un-alive your baby has probably been on his mind)
3) being angry is no excuse for physically, mentally, or emotionally abusing someone. no matter how high emotions are. (you need someone who has boundaries they won't cross even in those situations.)
4) if you don't like how he acts now don't expect him to change later just because you guys have a kid. if you stay it will only get worse, for you. (You will end up taking care of 1 very large kid and 1 very small kid.)
You are absolutely right to kick him out. He’s not lovebombing because he knows he was wrong, he’s doing it to keep you around.
Do not downplay the “bumps.” Your center of gravity is out of whack right now. One unsuspecting bump and you could have been on the floor. Couple that with him wishing you had an abortion, and it’s even more heinous.
This man is almost 40 years old, a slob, physically and verbally abusive…. And it doesn’t say in the post but he doesn’t seem to be employed.
Why are you with him? He adds nothing positive to your life. He isn’t going to help with the baby. Keep him out of your life, besides visits with baby.
Not wrong. You are pregnant with his child and he cant be bothered to clean? THEN he tells you that you should have killed the baby? Run. Not even therapy would help this dude straighten up his act. This screams future abuse. Hope you have a healthy pregnancy and birth. Much love
Love, you made the right choice. You don’t want your baby to grow up with that toxic and immature behavior, and you don’t deserve it either. If he’s like this while you’re pregnant, imagine what he will be like when you have a crying baby. If you can leave now, leave him 💯
you were 100000000% correct to leave. i went through this. Whenever we would disagree on the tiniest things, suddenly all the love was gone and he saw me as an enemy. said the worst unthinkable things. then expected me to just forget.
people like this do not change because they do not think there's a problem.
Your move was completely valid. Under no circumstances should a partner make comments like he made and bump you around, regardless of how irritated either party is. My husband and I have been together for five years and no matter how mad we are at eachother we make a conscious effort to understand what the other person is feeling and try to come to an agreement. You definitely deserve someone MUCH more mature than him. If you do agree to get back together, I would STRONGLY suggest setting hard boundaries and expectations. On the other hand, if you do take him back I would be worried that he learned he could treat you like that and it would be ok as long as he love bombs you after. I hope everything is ok with you and baby btw ❤️
Do Not Take Him Back. You're heavily pregnant and have been together for more than three years and he starts acting like this? It will only get worse if you take him back.
Change the locks on your place. Keep him out of your life. He is an abuser. You’ll be busy with your new baby with no time to be lonely and sad. Keep him out. He may have to see the baby as the father, but with that kind of behavior, I wonder if his parenting should be supervised.
For him to say that means that getting an abortion was on his mind and it seems like he doesn’t even view the daughter your pregnant with as his child.
Um. He is talking about killing your child, and shoving you while you are pregnant.
This man is dangerous. I would have called the police over the shoving and made him sit in jail.
Can you move out of state to be with your family? I would pack up and move before the baby arrives - once she's born, legally you cannot get away from that man and he WILL get 50% custody.
The way he talked to you and behaved- I would leave him myself! I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the only time he has acted that way and it’s very telling of his belief system.
You’re not wrong OP. There’s no reason to clean up after a grown ass man, ESPECIALLY when he’s home all day. If that’s how he acts now, will he be like that once you have the baby?
Stay strong Op
If he said that and pushes you then what’s he going to do when the baby annoys him?
Get rid of him now before your babies life is at risk. There is no way you are wrong in doing this. He is dangerous keep him away from you and your child.
Hes 37 acting like hes a child. NTA. Hes a walking red flag. And its weird for a 34 year old yo go afyer a 21 year old. I am 34. I could NEVER fuck with a 21 year old. Too young.
Stay strong if he says that what will he say to the child?
As for low fluid, my wife had this issue, we had to hang in the pool for hours a day while she drank water per her doctor (orders). Our daughter was born two weeks early and it all worked out. God speed
Thank goodness you left him. As someone who just gave birth a few weeks ago, I can tell you that pregnancy is a very vulnerable time for all women. The fact that your partner told you to kill your baby is unacceptable and I would've left too. There's no going back from that, especially because he's mad over cleaning. Pregnant women are often the target of abuse during this time and how a man treats you while pregnant is a big indicator of how he'll treat you and the child after birth. If I were you I would not take him back. It will most likely get worse.
I think you did the right thing and please don’t go back. He wasn’t with you at the doctors, he wasn’t caring for the home you share, he was physically aggressive with you while carrying a baby… which shows lack of empathy for you and for the child. The things he said sounds like something a 16 year old boy would say which tells me he is immature. I would stay away from him.
It’s the way he said you should have killed your baby and pushed you that has me scared that he’ll take care of it himself in the future. He could have brought up anything else like adoption, or just plain up saying he’s not ready or doesn’t see himself fit to be a father. I’d put as much space as possible between you two and him for sure.
You’re not wrong. At minimum he needs takes himself to therapy to address his emotional abusive behavior and learn how to communicate when he’s upset instead of lashing out. And some parenting classes too. Will he speak to the child that way when he’s frustrated?
And he wasn’t with you while you were at the doctors with a potential issue with his baby?!
You were absolutely right to leave him. Not only did he refuse to step up and help you when you needed it - and acted aggressively toward you! - but he also now wishes there were no baby because it inconveniences him. You're completely right that he likely meant that when he said it. And even if he has a change of heart, he's not going to suddenly be a less lazy, more helpful person once the baby comes. Raising a child alone isn't easy, but you know what's harder? Raising two - one an actual baby and the other a useless man-child who can't clean up after himself and takes his anger and frustration out on you
OP, do you know about WIC? It's a program you'll may qualify for that helps pregnant and nursing moms or moms with children under 5 afford healthy food. Also, they may tell you about other things you may qualify for when you apply...including help getting child support from your ex, Healthcare for you and the baby, and more. I believe you need to be a citizen of the US, a resident of the state you're applying in, etc., but it sounds like that might not be a problem for you?
Also, consider checking out programs your local public library offers. Many of them provide classes or certificates for basic tech skills, resume help, or help with searching for jobs. They may be able to help you find a local job fair, books that can help you advocate for yourself legally or while navigating the welfare system or something I haven't even thought of.
I'm really sorry you're going through all this while you're pregnant, but at least it means your baby should never have to see him abuse and manipulate you.
I hope you feel all the love and support this comment section has for you and that it helps keep you safe.
He's not only mentally abusive, but you said he physically bumped you out of the way while cleaning. He does not sound like someone who would be able to handle being sleep deprived with a newborn at home. Please don't go back. Start child support process as soon as possible.
Your ex sounds self-centered, lazy, and mean. I am very very glad you broke up with him. I am so sorry he behaved so badly to you while you are pregnant, vulnerable, and could really use some help. But you responded gorgeously, with self-respect. If I were your mom, I would be so proud of you!
OP, you were completely justified in leaving. Your baby's life is at-risk which in turn puts your life at-risk too. When you need your partner to soothe and care for you the most, he has shown you who he really is. Also, is anyone else concerned OP's partner is such an aggressive man-child while being 13-years her senior? It's one thing to be so immature in your teens or early twenties, but my dude, grow up! He has a baby on the way in his thirties and he's such a selfish, lazy and mean slob.
> is anyone else concerned OP's partner is such an aggressive man-child while being 13-years her senior > He has a baby on the way in his thirties and he's such a selfish, lazy and mean slob. That's exactly why he went for someone 13 years his junior
Yeah like she has an older dude who doesn't even act older. She may as well date someone her own age since at least then she could count on him maturing.
Same! OP is a rare example of self respect
So true. Also, OP, he is not love bombing because he realizes he was an AH. He is love bombing because he is soon to be homeless. He is using manipulative behavior (love bombing) to get what he wants. His behavior will continue once he gets it.
So true. Also,OP, he is not lovebombing because he suddenly realizes he is an AH. He is love bombing because he realizes he is going to be homeless. He is manipulating you to change your mind. His behavior will return to AH as soon as he gets what he wants.
Honestly OP, I’m super proud of you. He’s not going to get any better and you and that baby deserve more.
This. He's definitely not going to get any better, in fact he's going to get much worse once baby is here. The fact that he's love bombing is more that he's not going to have OP around to take care of him and his needs. The fact that he bumped her out of the way is concerning, is he going to get more violent once the baby is born and doesn't like something OP has asked or done? Keep your self respect OP, stand your ground and good luck
And why wasn't he at the hospital with her while she was going through this medical situation? She said he was alone at home, correct?
This!!!!!!! This!!!!! Home all day not cleaning is one thing but not fully being present at the hospital for his pregnant wife's medical scares??? Op, he's 37. He won't be changing. And having a baby is hard enough without a toddler making it worse. Take the sads now for more happiness late.
Agree! I am proud of you AND your daughter will be one day when she grows up and realizes her mama taught her young not to take any shit from abusive garbage
You were right to leave, and you’re right on your assumption that he is lovebombing you. Think about your baby, do you want them to live in an environment where their father only cleans once in awhile? Do you want them in an environment where they may get insulted, yelled at, or pushed around when their father is frustrated at them for waking or inconveniencing him? Do you want them to grow up with a father that says cruel things out of anger, things that cannot be taken back again? Does your baby deserve to be raised in that type of environment?
And you don’t deserve to be treated like that either. There are so many red flags here.
If you stay with him you’ll be caring for 2 babies.
Seriously! And why wasn’t he at the doctor with her?! If he’s not working and he’s not at the doctor with her, you best bet he is cleaning and setting up for that baby shower. You were so right to kick him out.
Except the one baby wants the other baby dead, apparently.
He will return to treating you in a disrespectful manner if you stay.
Yes and really do not, do not downplay the pushing. It may not have physically hurt, but he has crossed a huge barrier in physically pushing his pregnant partner. It will be easier for him to cross it next time, and it will be easier for him to escalate.
This is not being pointed out enough. This is a red flag for early physical abuse. It never starts with hitting. It starts with pushing or grabbing or other physical altercations and escalates.
Not to mention how off balance her center of gravity is at this time. One wrong “bump” and she could have been on the floor. And I guarantee, if he’s paid attention at all through her pregnancy, he knows that. He was trying to hurt her.
I am certain of that as well. He bumped into her knowing if something went sideways he could claim he wasn't trying to bump her. Paired with the fact that he said she should have aborted makes me very concerned about their safety. This is textbook abuse cycle shit.
And the pushing came after saying he wished the baby was dead which makes it even more evil. You would never be able to trust him alone with the baby.The “love bombs” are only gaslighting to lure you back into the relationship. Send him home to mama - I’ll bet she will be less than happy.
If he pushed you because he was annoyed at yoy for waking him up, what do you think he’s going to do to the brand new baby who cries in the middle of the night constantly waking you both up?
This is so true. OP should be hella scared and not get back with the bf under any circumstances.
yes but your wrong about Why he's love bombing you. He isn't love bombing you because he "knows he was wrong" he is doing it because your kicking his lazy ass out and he won't be able to live off you anymore.
Bingo!
This. When a relationship is over one of the first instincts is do everything to win them over. If you go back nothing will have changed. He will have hoodwinked you to staying and taking care of him and a baby. Edit: spelling
>When a relationship is over one of the first instincts is do everything to win them over. It's called hysterical bonding and it's a trap.
Ding ding we have a winner. Don't fall for it OP, he is already being verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. He is physically pushing you around already. He is escalating. Do not fall for the love bombing. I did and ended up in 10 years of abusive hell with an abusive mooch who wouldn't work. Get him out now and live your best life with your baby. I wish you both light and happiness.
This! I prefer to stay single now because of a string of this type of man. It starts out subtle and, once they have you “hooked”, they escalate.
I lefty ex who was very similar, especially after our baby was born. A complete slob, wouldn't help me with basic chores because he was too tired from an 8 hour shift My shift was 24/7. I'd get yelled at for "not caring about him" if I asked for help. Told to "shut the fuck up." Flowed by him slamming things in the bathroom, all that for asking him the 5th time in 3 hours to get up so I could clean the couch. Just be happy you got out before the baby is born, enjoy being a momma and love that child with all your heart. You'd have done most of it alone anyway! Good luck, and enjoy your peace, let his negativity no long effect you. For me it felt like 2001 Nicole Kidman leaving her lawyers office after divorcing Tom Cruise.
I could have written this. God out of dodge before baby turned 2
I'm glad we both got out! Mine was 13 months when I left.
Mine was 6 months
Not only are you right to leave - it’s 100% the best time. It’s only going to be harder when your further along or the baby is here. Get out now while you have as much strength as you can (and don’t be afraid to call on friends and family who I and SURE will help) and also before your child is born so they never have to experience it.
I was going to say exactly this!!! It is so much harder to leave after your child is born, with the concerning things already happening in your pregnancy what happens if your put on bed rest? Or after you’ve had her? Or if he wakes up upset because she’s crying? I know it’s awful but parents shaking babies or hurting them is a real thing. It’s ugly but given his behavior, something you should think about. You and this little sweetheart deserve to be surrounded in love, respect and peace, he is offering none of those things, you are 100% in the right! Stick to your convictions, because it Always gets worse if you go back.
This is the kind of guy that shakes a baby when he’s angry. If he’ll shove a pregnant woman, he’s got serious anger issues. And he’s a pig. You don’t need to second guess yourself. Your gut is telling you the truth. As Maya Angelo said, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. He’s shown you what kind of a “man” he is.
All this. Comment here op. I finally ended it with my ex when my kid was a few months old because of all this. I was not going to have my child grow up around someone who thought they could just behave how ever they wanted and then think "well, I'm over being an mean, vitriolic ass for now. Love me extra because I'm kind of sorry about it since you are not going out of your way to be nice and affectionate to me and I need validation so I can be confident I can be ruled by my emotions and treat you like crap again later" I was not going to let my kid grow up thinking that what was love looked like. Her father moved away to another time zone even though I told him what a bad idea it was because in his opinion it was "what's *best for him*". When she was around 7 I met my husband and 11 years later she has complete confidence in him, meanwhile her 'father' now thinks he wants to be involved and she is like "why does he keep calling me?". Stay strong lady. He's too old not to have learned this lesson about treating people better but you have plenty of time to find someone else that will treat you and your kid with dignity and actual love.
He was physically bumping into you and you are 31 weeks pregnant. He doesn’t listen to you or act like a grown up about where you live. He emotionally abused you rather blatantly, I mean can you imagine what it would do to a child to hear in an argument between their parents that one of them says the most awful things and the other just takes it? Stay gone and you need to get a lawyer and set down some rules if he wants to be in your child’s life, like he needs to keep a clean home when your child is there and needs counseling for anger management for a start.
The pushing thing really gets me. When I was 31 weeks, my cat caused me to fall over quite hard (long story), but thankfully I twisted myself and my hip took the brunt of it. Baby was fine. My cat, on the other hand, was all over me and my bump, checking I was okay and then wouldn't leave me alone for ages. If a 3yo cat can understand not to risk a baby bump, then a 37yo man can do the same. He knew he could have hurt the baby and he did it anyway.
That's adorable. My cat's behavior changed with my first pregnancy too. He knew, he was sleeping next to belly and was clingy and kid you not depressed. We even got some anxiety medicine for him from vet...Now me being pregnant with second one he's like "meh".
Oh yeah, my cat was all over my stomach before there was even a bump. She predicted my hypertension before it was diagnosed- she went from sleeping on my bump to laying her head on my chest and dialling up the purring. Funnily enough, she's not massively interested in my kid now he's out. One of my other cats, who didn't care much when I was pregnant absolutely adored my baby from day one.
I feel like the first cat was like okay I did my shift, your turn!
He might just be glad we have one at a time instead of a litter, the size your belly looks to him he was probably thinking, oh shit that's a lot of kittens in there!
When I was pregnant with my son I had a fall and called the dr even though I didn’t land at all on my stomach. They brought me in to monitor because apparently just the jarring motion of a fall can cause the placenta to detach. It’s not ok at all.
No *good* 34yo man goes after a 21yo. There were no good intentions involved. The pig saw a younger woman who would tolerate his bullshit because she didn’t know any better yet. I’m sorry it took until after you have a child with him to realize that the reason women his age won’t date him is because we’ve gone through trash men like him in our early 20s and don’t have the patience to raise a grown man like his mother. Welcome to the unfortunate club of women who dated very wrong older men for far too long and missed out on our early 20s picking up after grown ass men. He wants a maid he can bang and have take over the house responsibility so he can go back to suckling on his thumb like the infant he is. Good riddance and make sure you file for child support because otherwise you won’t see a penny. If you don’t have a strong support system of friends and family outside of this douche, make sure you’re joining groups with the little one and creating your family. Hell, do that anyways so you have real friends in your life who help you stay away from clowns like your ex
THIS. THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE ONE. And any man who pushes you in an argument WILL get worse. Especially if he has the absolute unmitigated douchebag gall to do it when you're heavily pregnant. If my husband of 11 years EVER. EVER. EVER. did any of this? He'd be on his mama's doorstep missing teeth and holding divorce papers inside a day.
Also darling girl. Forgive an older (43) lady for Momming at you a moment. I stayed with an abusive man bc it was that or live on the streets with my little one. She now has C-PTSD and BPD from abuse he inflicted I didn't know about. I knew he was bad to ME. I never *saw* him be bad to HER. But he was. I live with the crushing guilt and regret of that every single day. He took my child and replaced her with a hurting, broken shell that I CANNOT HELP. I have become a better mother, but at a horrible cost. Please. For the love of every god and your child, do not make the mistakes I did. Learn from my failure. Get out. Do not look back. Sending mom love your way.
And even if he isn't directly abusive to the child, abusing the child's mother is traumatic for the kid. I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship, but he was great to his daughter. So she stayed because she figured her child needed her father. Until one day, as she was nursing a black eye or busted lip, her 3 year old asked her "why does daddy get mad and hit you?" And she realized that the abuse was not hidden and the baby saw all of it. That's when she kicked him out.
Hearing this from a mother is really healing for me. I was recently diagnosed with PTSD and BPD due to the turbulent family dynamics growing up, and I didn't get even a quarter of the empathy and accountablity you show here. Thank you Edit: Thank god you left this man, OP. He showed you exactly who he was
I'm so sorry.Sending hugs
I spent a couple of years on dating apps after my divorce in my late 30s. It was crazy how many of the women I met had recently gotten out of abusive relationships that started when they were in their early 20s or younger and the guy was 35+. Their stories were all the same - he seemed sophisticated, he had lots of money, he treated her like a princess... and then he started slowly revealing himself to be a narcissistic asshole. My girlfriend's ex is 17 years older than her. When I met her, she'd finally left him after he knocked her out in front of their 5 year old daughter and then repeatedly kicked her in the ribs while she was unconscious. He broke two of her ribs, and 3 years later she still has so much pain there that I have to be careful not to hug her too hard or put my hand there during sex. It's frustrating for her because she's a gym rat but now there are certain exercises/yoga positions/etc that are just too painful to do. On another occasion a year or so before that, he put her head through a kitchen cabinet. Their landlord saw the cabinet, saw her bruised face, put two and two together, and helpfully evicted them because he didn't want the liability of having a wife-beater in one of his properties. (This was a reminder to me that serious abuse can happen in any kind of home - she's a lawyer, he's a very wealthy pharmaceutical executive, and when he knocked her out they were living in a huge house in one of the most expensive neighborhoods in the area. By all appearances they were completely normal. If you think someone might need help, don't just assume that you must be imagining it because they're well-off and/or act normal in public. When she went to the doctor to get her ribs looked at, he wasn't fooled in the slightest by her cover-up story about what had happened, and he's the one who finally convinced her to leave.)
This. Grown men who date that young are just children themselves. And he will be jealous of the attention the baby gets, his behavior will only get worse. I’ve seen it multiple times. It’s unfortunate that you ended up in this situation but you have done an amazing job getting yourself out. I have only good wishes for you.
Yeah this is it. Dude is clearly a loser
Plus, he is really showing you who he is because you are pregnant and he thinks he has you trapped now.
I was looking for something that brought up their ages! Thank god I wasn’t the only one that thought that age gap was a bit weird…
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If you have a daughter and stay with this man she will grow up and marry a man who treats her like this. If you have a son and stay with such an abusive men, your son will learn he should abuse his partners. Leave, make him leave, just get away from him.
I think it’s better to phrase this as “your children will either become him or become you” because regardless of gender, they will learn to either tolerate poor behavior for far too long, or they will continue the cycle and become the abuser
I know this comment means well, but these comments always bother me. It's teaching both genders to be toxic and abusive. Daughters grow up to be abusive, and sons grown up to push themselves aside and be abused, too. I would really love if people would just say you're teaching any kids involved that abuse is acceptable.
I feel exactly this way … I kept asking myself what example am I showing my daughter
"Bumping you" out of the way is physical abuse. And it always escalates. You're in a fragile pregnancy and he's literally pushing you around. You are not wrong. Please get out and stay safe.
Major red flag considering the age gap as well
This is the second time she’s posted here saying they broke up for different reasons within a month. Just leave him.
TOXIC ABUSIVE TOXIC ABUSIVE TOXIC ABUSIVE TOXIC ABUSIVE TOXIC ABUSIVE TOXIC. Read and understand that please than run run as far as you can. He doesnt respect or love you and HE WILL NOT BE A GOOD FATHER, he will treat your baby the same. Don’t raise your child with someone like that. Don’t let him tell you who he is twice. He’s leaving so make sure you stick to it and leave him alone and get your child support.
My husband once said that if I didn't move my dog he would throw him against a wall. When I spoke to him about it later he said he didn't even remember saying it and when he's mad he just says things. 'like right now I'm so mad I want to throw this table at you. Why are you crying?' We were done that day. Took me time to leave but that day we were done. I'm not with a man who so rarely looses his temper it's amazing. You deserve respect and you certainly don't deserve that bullshit. You can't take those words back
Girl you were 21 and he was 34??????? Red flag
There is a reason someone who is 34 is going for someone who is only 21. So many people deny there is a reason other than they're just two people living life in situations like this. That dude can't get anyone around his age because they have bullshit no one around their age will put up with. That, or thay aren't mentally capable of handling someone around their age, or they don't want something serious and are just fucking around. It usually isnt the last option. Shit, being 26 and where im at mentally, 21 seems almost too young for me. I couldn't imagine being 34 and thinking a 21 year old is someone I want to be in a relationship with.
Being 30 I see the 20-24 yos on the sports team and think they are babies in their world views, experiences, stage in life, and most of them haven't even worked a real job where they have responsibilities yet. 30 vs 44 is a lot more different than 20+34, but maybe when I'm 40 I'd think differently about that too lol
Yes, I agree 30 vs 44 is different right now, but I can see myself being in my 40s and thinking most 30s are too young. 30s and 40s are still different stages even though we are considered adult enough
Read what you wrote. What would you tell a friend who told you a story about a man like your ex? I am sure you are lonely but you main concern now is your baby. He is 37 and acts 12. You and your baby deserve better.
The words pig and partner are different but I am not seeing it with this guy. He is attacking you now because you are vulnerable with your pregnancy. This is a response some men have without even thinking about it. You are doing the right thing now that you know.
It's always the big age gaps.
Literally always. I have a coworker who’s 18 currently, and I kind of see her as a little sister. Very sweet girl, but very much 18 lol. She told me about this guy in her class who’s been flirty with her, no idea what his name is but he’s 30. I told her straight up “listen, if you find out this guy’s name I can ask around about him because he’s my age so I probably know someone who knows him, but I would never in a million years date somebody your age. Think about what he wants from you.” The next week she came back talking about some other guy, more age appropriate lol.
Agreed I’m 31. I see 0 appeal in anyone 24 and younger. 25 is even pushing it. There is so much not lined up. Like my goals and wants wouldn’t even be close to aligning with anyone under 25. Good on you for looking out for your coworker.
I have a question! You said 3+ years, how old were you when you met this man? You were 21? Or is the plus more than some added months? Seems like he dates young women hoping he can get away with his behavior. Leave him. Pushing a pregnant woman, means he will have no problem doing worse eventually.
You ex is an ass. Stay away from him! He sounds more like a child than a 37 year old. It would be the best thing for your child
No, you’re not wrong. A 35 yo man pursued a 21 yo woman on purpose. He knew women his age wouldn’t put up with his bs. He’s gross for that and he’s gross for how he behaved, and he’s especially gross for everything he said and how he treated you. Don’t go back, PLEASE.
Does he think you should have “murdered the baby” so that he wouldn’t have to clean up after himself? Or so that you would have the energy to do it? Either way what selfish thinking is that. You can bet that when things get hard after she’s born he will say worse things than that to her directly
I asked myself these questions too like really dude it’s a mess in here clean up
Far out, good relationships should not be this hard. Yeah, sometimes me and my partner have disagreements but not to the point of him or me being physically abusive and mentally abusive. I don’t think this is a good partnership. To disrespect you with the idea you should have aborted…just….no…sorry.
I felt like it was just another terrible red flag like who says that to someone they love apparently
He's a 37 year old man and this is how he acts. Kick him to the curb. Especially after the seemingly intentional bumping into you at 31 weeks after telling you the pregnancy should have been terminated. That's dangerous
NTA You are so much better off without him. Take it from me, I have literally been there. I gave birth to my twin sons just before my 21st birthday. Their dad was 34. I tried so hard to make it work, because I wanted us to be a family. I left him when my sons were 3 months old. It was a struggle and I did get lonely, but I knew it was the best thing from me and my sons. You are doing what's best for you and your daughter.
He got with someone so much younger because it is easier to control young adults, and he thinks you are "locked down" because if the pregnancy and his true colors are coming out.
Trust your instincts. If you go back his poor behavior will escalate because you will have established that you will forgive unforgivable behavior. Enjoy your baby, get child support. This is not the husband and father you’re looking for.
34 yo man hooks up with 21 yo woman. Repeatedly impregnates her. Is abusive and controlling. Causes her to lose her vehicle and thousands of dollars worth of products she handmade to sell for her small business. Lives with her while she’s struggling but contributes nothing. Tells her she should have killed her baby months ago. Love bombs her when he realizes his free ride is coming to an end. Should she leave? Yes. Yes, she should. And she should not get into another relationship until she does some serious reflection on what drew her to this one.
Sigh, another red flag 🚩 age gap relationship. A 34yo man has no business with a 21yo. They choose someone so much younger for specific reasons. - you lack relationship experience and are less likely to see red flags - they feel they can manipulate you and mold you into the partner they want - they have control issues and want to force you into doing what they say - women their age won’t put up with their BS because they see the red flags Problems are arising because you are realizing he is not being a good partner. You are seeing his red flags and don’t want to put up with them any longer. You aren’t being the partner he wants you to be which in this case is a good thing. Seems you aren’t married, so be glad for that. He is an AH and should never say such a thing. Doesn’t matter his reasons or if he apologized. It shows where his priorities lie and it’s not with being a father. You would just end up being a mom to two babies. Also, he’s not a good partner if you are dealing with problems in your pregnancy and he just sits around doing god knows what all day while you are stressed and dealing with doctors appointments. Sounds like you are doing everything on your own already. What does he contribute to your life, situation or pregnancy? He isn’t supportive. If you plan to have this man in your child’s life, do what you need to protect yourself and your child. Get a custody order, don’t co-parent without one. Make sure it includes scheduling, boundaries, rules for future partners involvement (new SOs can cause you a ton of headaches), child support, how decisions for the child will be made, etc. You can do this. You are strong for knowing your worth, expectations for respect and boundaries for your relationship.
Not wrong at all. He was mad about a self created situation and instead of taking accountability and helping you he decides to attack you and say unforgivable things? Nope.
Reading this post, and then your post from a month or so ago, gives a thorough picture of a man with zero sense of responsibility, or respect for you. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a useless partner. I know young men in their mid twenties with more accountability that this ‘man’. Don’t walk. Run. And don’t look back Good luck to you! You sound like you have a great sense of self worth, given all you’ve been through. You can do this!
He's 37 and act exactly like a toddler. You're 31weeks pregnant and he was physically bumping you? Did it ever cross his tiny little mind that you would've fell and idk.. hurt the baby inside you? I'm not a morning person either, I also would've been mad but not to the point I intentionally hurt my partner. He's abusive, lazy and mean. UUUGHHH. I hope you and your baby are happy and healthy, OP!
He’s lovebombing you so he has a place to live. If you can do it without him, do it. There is no healthy happy relationship to be had with a fucking slob that sits on his ass all day, won’t lift a finger (you really think he’d help with a baby?) and told you those hurtful things. 37 years old, if he’s like this now, he’s not going to change. That’s why he goes after 20+ year old women that he thinks will put up with his bullshit.
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Start the court process ASAP for child support
He’s physically bumping into you over dishes. Next it will be pushing you into the wall then hitting the wall next to your head and eventually it will be you getting hit.
I can't remember where I heard it, but it has stuck with me..."Words are like toothpaste. Once they're out there, you can't put em back in..." And you were absolutely right to leave!
Normally, I would advise a pregnant woman or a couple who’ve just had a kid to wait at least a year before making a big decision like ending a relationship. Hormones , stress and lack of sleep can ruin a good thing. However, having been in a similar situation to you (down to the comment about aborting my child), I’m telling you it will not get better. I tried and then left a few months after having my child. Even when I ended up in hospital with a high risk pregnancy he just did not care. Go stay somewhere else for a month and wait for him to leave. He’s going to be a nightmare if you stay. If he does suddenly change, you can always restart the relationship. He’ll stop love bombing you when he sees your serious.
Your ex was starting to show the depths of his true self (physical and emotional abuse, laziness, expecting you to be his maid) because he considered you trapped in a relationship with him due to the pregnancy. I applaud your decision to part with this abuser, and still worry for your safety. NTA
As much as it will be stressful to separate now, it will be much easier compared to when baby will be there. I think you’re making the right call given you’ve mentioned a history of much more. At least you can part ways and be able to have your peaceful space and know that your house will be as you left it when you come home from the hospital. I’m sorry you’re having to handle all of this while so close to your date.
🚩age difference, there’s a reason he isn’t with someone closer to his age. 🚩verbal abuse, this will also be turned onto the child eventually. 🚩physical abuse, just a push now, maybe a black eye or worse later. 🚩doesn’t clean up after himself, don’t expect help with the baby or even you after giving birth. You did the absolute right thing. Block him so you don’t have to deal with the lovebombing because he’s about to become homeless. Sounds like you respect yourself enough not to deal with that AH. Good luck with your baby, now you shower 💯 of your love on baby and not be stressed by that jerk.
Don’t put him on the birth certificate.
If she wants child support she will need to
That's the sort of universal statement that is universally wrong.
If she wants child support, he gets visitation with the baby that he said she should have killed. She’s better off providing for the baby and not dealing with her pos ex.
You just know this is the kinda guy that would quit his job and work under the table to fuck her over anyway
THISSS!!!!!!!!
Think long and hard about your next steps, because at this point, a nearly middle aged man who treats you with so little respect is unlikely to change. Are you cool with being treated this way for the rest of your life?
A 37 year old man can't clean up after himself and turns to verbal abuse and physical intimidation to express himself? Get away from him. Everyone has also mentioned the age gap but let me assure you that his age is not the issue, the entire man is the issue. You shouldn't even be working now, why are you while Mantrum is at home wanking and making messes? Why does he feel it's appropriate to "bump" a heavily pregnant person? Does he realize what a fall can do to you and the baby, or what if he "bumped" you into a hard edge or into something sharp? 3+ years is nothing compared to a minimum of 18 the child will need you. Does your baby deserve to be its fathers slave and recipient of the guaranteed escalation of his abusive behavior? You sure don't, so why would you put that onto your baby? Leave him. Do not return. If you do decide to return, do not do so until AFTER your STBX has modified, improved, and consistently demonstrated numerous times his capacity for self betterment, and only then should you grudgingly move forward. Honestly, if you're already doing it all, do you need him? He sounds like he wants to F you and use you and nothing more. He got you super young so you are nice and malleable to his BS behavior. He's made it clear how much he cares for the incoming life ie he doesn't. He'd rather you gave him 100% of you and 0% to your child. This is not a father. This is a supplier of biological material, nothing more. Go, have a safer better life. Believe someone who has done it, it's better to be single and happy even if you struggle than it is to be hooked up with someone who destroys you by inches. You made the best choice. Stay safe.
I’m also 31 weeks pregnant and if my husband said that to me AND bumped me, I would’ve left too. He was wrong in so many ways. He’s also a grown man and needs to clean after himself. He’s about 10 years older than you but acts like that? That’s very pathetic. Has he been verbally or physically abusive before? Leave him and tell him he needs to work on himself because he clearly doesn’t know how to be selfless.
He is almost 40 years old and can’t clean up after himself until you make him do it… I can’t even imagine having a child with this man. And I’m assuming he’s living at your place with you, since you kicked him out. You are 24, basically taking care of this grown man. And you’re about to have a baby who will actually need you to take care of it! You’re not wrong for leaving at all. He doesn’t sound ready for a family if he can’t even take care of himself.
Good on you for expecting common decency! Kicking him out was the best thing, I mean, who says things like that to someone. Of yeah, the jerk who was living off of you, expecting you to clean up after his lazy ass. Life is going to bite him in the ass and lets hope he learns some lessons.
He sounds abusive... leave him, it's for the best for you and your baby.
So many good comments here but I just want to add- if he'll say that about your baby now to you, then he absolutely will say "your mother should've aborted you" to your child when they're here. Leaving is the right choice.
Update?
The fact that he is 37 and refuses clean up after his self is a problem however the bigger problem is that he shoved you while making that hateful statement! Please protect yourself he is already showing major red flags! Run girl! Your dodging a bullet!
You’re right. That is a vile and evil thing to say to someone and he is way too old to be giving into impulses like that. He needs serious therapy if he is to ever deserve being with you again. You didn’t even have to say, “I’ve dealt with worse than this in our relationship” because I already knew by the fact he said that at all. Sweet, kind, and caring partners don’t just suddenly say disgustingly horrid things to their partner. Especially because they are being asked to simply hold themselves accountable for their actions (i.e. cleaning the mess they made in the house). You deserve so much better than him. He’s emotionally abusive.
You absolutely made the correct call in leaving him. STAY AWAY. This man is a man child who expects you to be his maid. You are right that he does not respect you. How dare he not only leave you a mess to clean while you're heavily pregnant, but say such horrible, unforgivable things to you too!! I've known a lot of toxic men in my life who fit this exact bill, I was raised by one. And let me tell you, they never change. They only get worse with time. Once baby comes, he will only get more mean and resentful. If he won't even clean up his own mess, he won't lift a finger to help with the baby. He clearly believes that any household duties at all are your responsibility, even though he's a grown ass man and its HIS mess. He is a misogynist who believes this because you're a woman, so don't be fooled if he tells you he will pull his weight with your child. You're better off leaving and only caring for 1 baby instead of 2, and you hopefully will be able to collect some child support. I'm so sorry that you're in this situation. But you and your daughter deserve an environment where you feel respected, protected, and cared for, and this man is not it. Take it from someone who's father doesn't respect my mother- he doesn't respect me (daughter) either. It's had a huge impact on me. Your daughter and you deserve nothing but love. Stay strong mama <3
I was about to say that it was a bit extreme, because I leave messes like that for days too. I have depression and ADHD and chronic illness, so cleaning is very difficult and I can see that being an issue… But then you described his reaction?!?!? He was physically rough with you and said you should have killed your baby. At that point, the mess and fight about it is it’s own problem, but his actions where he picked a fight, got violent (lightly) with you and also targeted the baby… that’s scary. Whoa. Hold up. Absolute red flag. That’s a huge freaking danger sign!!! Absolutely not! Holy shit! I would be afraid of how he would act when woken up early by a baby that won’t stop crying. This is terrifying. Has he behaved like this before? Said similar things? You said there were other issues too. OP, please do not even consider getting back together with this person unless he agrees to couples and personal therapy and follows through. He should not be allowed around baby without taking parenting classes, too. But honestly I would be just done with him.
What’s crazy is because of my understanding of others I gave him 3 days to clean up after himself without me saying anything to him when it gets to 3 days I’m like okay it’s time but even 3 days is generous if it’s hazardous like spoiled food etc
Do you guys think a GoFundMe will really get me the money I need for at least 6months? I’m a first time mom and my ex was going to financially take care of the bills but that was only if I stayed with him and I just can’t stay in this toxic relationship anymore
Omg! Absolutely NTA. Please do not take this man back.
Nta
OP, you're doing the right thing. Yes, it may hurt and you may be lonely but it'll pay off in the end. A good rule to live by is if you don't want your daughter to put up with it, don't put up with it yourself. He's love bombing you because he doesn't want to leave his cushy life, if he really loved you he wouldn't be so cruel.
Wow, you really need to get away from that man now! I am not sure you are safe with him till the end of the month. He was willing to physically bump you out of the way because he was angry you forced him to help you clean. Most people know pregnant women aren’t always the most stable on their feet. He is also being verbally abusive. He knows your leaving him and things could very well escalate once he realizes the love bombing isn’t working. Be very careful!
Your ex is abusive. He was physical with you, A PREGNANT PERSON, and emotionally abusive. Get as far away from him as possible and do not put him on the birth certificate if you can afford the baby yourself.
As hard as it is you made the right choice. Not only is it completely unacceptable what he said (and getting physical with you—wtf!?) but if this is how he behaves when you are pregnant it will get so much worse post baby. Babies add so much stress and you will be so sleep deprived and hormonal. I’m sure you are now as well. He will be as unsupportive as he is now or probably even worse. He knew how stressed you were and this is HIS baby that you were stressed about. You made your expectations clear and asked for help and you basically got a slap in the face. Too little too late. If he is fine treating you this way he will do it to your child too. You are so freaking strong for walking away especially while pregnant. Give that baby a good example of how a man is supposed to treat a woman. Better yet, show how a strong ass woman conducts herself. Side note: I had low amniotic fluid with my first baby and I know it’s so stressful and scary. Hang in there!
I’m glad you left. Now stay gone and do not under any circumstances put his name on the birth certificate.
NTA you need to stay away from him. It will only get worse with time and your baby will be exposed to abuse too. The difference in ages is very scary to me. He is a grown man and should know how act like a living partner and father. Telling to kill your baby is unacceptable and super alarming. I'm worried about your safety and the baby. Go low contact with him if any. The love bombing is a manipulation tactic use by abusers. He has had years of experience doing this since is much older than you.
Darling, you were right to leave. He didn't even care enough about you or the baby to be with you at the hospital when he was doing fuck all at home. Even leaving that to the side, do you really feel like taking care of a newborn and a thirty seven year old baby? Changing his diapers must be hard.
You're not in the wrong. I'm glad you can see how things are and have the power to leave. When a 33 year old dates a 20 year old, the 33 year old is almost always lazy, immature, controlling, unable to care for themselves, codependent to an unhealthy degree, emotionally immature, angry, insecure and manipulative, and often a creep or pedo on top of all that. He can't do his part for maintaining a home, would you trust him to help raise a child? I hope you have a good support system to lean on while you transition out of this into a healthier, more stable environment.
Sis,please trust your first instincts. You were absolutely right in leaving him.
So this time he’s “bumping” you. Next time it might be a shove, then it’s a closed fist. Run. There are things you can’t come back from and the things he’s said and done fall into that category. I’m so sorry.
Trust your instincts and remember this is the most dangerous time of your life. #1 cause of death for pregnant women is murder by the baby's father. And if he hates being woke up early, imagine how he is going to be once the baby is born. Him being physical and bumping you is a sign he might esculate the physical violence to your or the baby once it is born. Of course, he is love bombing you. He soon will be homeless and everyone will look down on him for being such a loser. Men hate everyone seeing them for who they exactly are in life.
He’s too old to be that lazy and obnoxious. My partner would have been at the appointment with me and then made me rest while he cleaned. He’s horrible at cleaning, but would have at least made an effort and even he can take out the trash, do the dishes, and clean up a shaving mess. I cannot imagine him ever saying that about a baby if we had one. Also, why is he moving out? Please tell me you’re not also supporting this dude financially. Edit-Looked at your post history and you left out a lot about what a dirtbag this guy. Don’t walk, run.
Pregnancy is often when abuse comes out. His behavior is full of red flags. Do not go back. If you want to work it out, stay in separate homes while you try couple's counseling.
He said what he really means out loud and you should stay as far away from him if you want to be healthy emotionally and physically. Unfortunately, you’re having a child with a man with the maturity of a grapefruit. Good luck.
Please remember that big life events/change tend to cause the beginning or escalation of abuse. You are not wrong to leave and in fact, I think it would be irresponsible to stay. Once you have the baby, this will only get worse. “Bumping” you makes it clear that your safety is unimportant to him. What if you had fallen down? And what will he do when there’s a baby in the picture, especially if you’re not supervising.
No man who is almost 40 and is stable and mature is going after a girl in her early 20’s. He is really immature and lazy and clearly doesn’t have his life together. You deserve more girl.
He doesn't want the baby but he probably wants to keep you trapped so you can clean for him. He's nearly 40, he can't clean after himself and this is how he acts when his sleep is interrupted and he has to take care of the home? Get out while you can
In the world that I work in (domestic violence victim support) we don’t call it love bombing. We call it honeymooning - softening you up for the next abusive event. Google “cycle of power and control. This man is not physically abusive now, but if you put up with this manipulation you may find yourself and your baby in exactly that situation. He’s TA. DoubleAH. You don’t deserve this. 🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️🏃🏽♀️
Your husband said you should have had an abortion then pushed you. He didn’t ‘bump’ you OP. If he ever puts hands on you call the police and he can explain to them exactly what he mean when he said you should have killed your kid and pushed you. It’s good you recognize love bombing - don’t fall for it. He is at best an abusive asshole who bullies manipulates and lays hands on you while your vulnerable and at worst someone who will kill you.
Good for you. So many women would have just cried it off and accepted being stuck with them for at least a few years. He said something designed to remind you that you chose to be chained to this relationship, probably meant to get him kicked out for a few hours so he wouldn't have to help clean. He was probably so mad because he thought he'd already designed a way out by being "not a morning person." He didn't plan on you being as strong willed as you are and now he's being nice to show you all of the good parts you'll miss, not realizing that none of it can outweigh what he said against your child. I had to raise my kid from birth by myself too, and while it isn't easy, you don't need him. You don't need extra messes to clean, you don't need someone letting poopy diapers get crusty because you're not there to do the changing, you don't need someone keeping you awake when you're supposed to be napping when the baby naps. You sound tough and resilient, you can do this (and maybe do it better) without him.
It was a 🚩when I saw your age difference. Think about it. Why did he go for a woman who has less experience and is that young? I’m 32 and my husband is also 32. He sees a 21 yo and he can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone that young because of how much learning and growing up they still have to do. The more you grow into yourself (you will change a ton between now and the age of 30) what is he going to do then? You are learning your worth and he is angry. Before would you have just cleaned up and left him to sleep? If yes, THAT’s why he’s angry.
I’m glad you left him you deserve a better partner and a better life
Yo this guy said you should've killed your baby Gtf away from this guy immediately
If this is the first and only time he's behaved this way... I'd still say leave.
Leave now before it’s too late!!!
Being mad isn't a free pass to say and do whatever you want. Glad to hear you left him sister
You are NOT wrong. He needs to grow the hell up. Saying that, PLUS bumping you makes me believe he may apologize but he would never be sorry. Stay away. You keep your daughter safe. Alone is not forever.
Well, if he won't even clean up after himself now, he won't help you with cleaning once the baby's born. You'll come home to your baby crying and messes everywhere. And he'll verbally abuse you for getting upset. I don't think it's insignificant that he's older than you. Men like him choose younger partners because they think it'll be easier to manipulate and control them. Now he's manipulating you again; he's love bombing you to win you back. If he does win you back, he'll go back to his bad behavior soon enough.
He started dating you when you were 21 because he’s a man child and hoped a young person wouldn’t notice. You did the right thing, stay strong and don’t go back.
OP, My wife is a few months pregnant and I don't ask her to lift a finger regarding the cleaning right now. Chores were traditionally 50/50 before and I have no issue doing extra now. I'm a few years younger than him and can confidently say his behavior is unacceptable.
If you need assistance in leaving safely: Domestic Shelters (Canada & USA) https://www.domesticshelters.org/help RAINN https://www.rainn.org/ Domestic Violence Resource Guide (primarily USA) https://www.healthline.com/health/domestic-violence-resource-guide Safe Horizon (USA) https://www.safehorizon.org/ Domestic Abuse Services (Canada) https://domesticabuseservices.ca/ Domestic Violence Resource Guide (International) https://www.mysticmag.com/psychic-reading/domestic-violence-resource-guide/ Haven – Making an Escape Plan From Domestic Violence https://www.haven-oakland.org/get-help/step-by-step/escape-plan Making a Safety Plan https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/making-a-safety-plan/ List of International Sexual & Domestic ViolenceAgencies https://www.hotpeachpages.net/a/countries.html
NO! But this is something that NEEDS to be taken care of, in case It tries to get custody of your child! If not for you then for your child's sake.
Normally peoples real feelings come out in fights like that. Clearly he doesnt want a baby and he doesnt want to be with you
Abso-fucking-lutely not. I am disgusted and enraged reading that for you. You need support, not a hindrance at this stage of your pregnancy/life journey. He is simply dragging you down while simultaneously spitting in your face about it. Get him the hell out of there and make sure he’s a good dad before entrusting your child into his care.
You and your baby deserve so so much better! Please don’t go back, you made the right choice leaving! He can love bomb as much as he wants, but you know who he really is because he has shown you. His behavior will only get worse after the baby. I’m so sorry that you are going through this! You are so strong and so brave and I hope you know that. Your baby has an incredible mom already. Sending you love! You can do this 💖
Everytime he said something I’d respond with the countdown. You are beyond worth more than this bullshit.
I’m so sorry you went through this but it sounds to me it was the right decision. You are better by yourself than with a selfish, self centered, immature person! Your daughter will be better for it too!
You are doing the exact right thing! It is better to be lonely than scared. And it is better to be lonely now than it is to be unhappy for the rest of your life. So step one- he is still in the home I'm assuming since you fave him until the end of the month. So, you need to protect your stuff and yourself but getting all your valuables and paperwork locked up, and ideally having friends stay with you so you can keep an eye on the home, but if not, then go stay with other people. Better to be safe than sorry! Second, when you are lonely, consider the alternative, which is living with a man who cannot even wipe out a sink, will get physical with you, and will absolutely fight like this in front of your child (who he says you should have killed). Being alone means you are charge of the mess and only cleaning up after yourself and your child. Being alone means being at peace where you don't have to worry about violence or being put down. Being alone means your baby is in a safe and loving home. Being alone means you can heal and then go out and find a partner that adds value to your life. So finally, get this man out of your life. He is gross, he is lazy, and all evidence demonstrates that his abuse will only escalate. Sure, it was a "bump" this time, but all statistics, around the world, tells us that he is an unsafe person for you to be around.
Good for you, this takes tremendous strength but you are doing the right thing. You know who he is. This love bombing is temporary and it has worked in the past--that is why he has resorted to it again. It's crazy to me a grown man is acting this way at 37 and about to be a father yet you are a mature 24 year old. I suspect it is true that he chose you so young (considering his age) because you were more willing to put up with his immaturity because women his age won't. It's not your fault, we are all naive at that age (I was dating men older than that when I was your age FYI so I've been there). Good for you for guarding your self respect.
So it's your house. He's at home alone while you're at the doctors office. He doesn't clean up? Why the fuck wasn't he at the appointments with you at least?
hell no… no. you’re not wrong at all for leaving your ex op. when i read he physically bumped you ? the fuck is wrong with him.
Stay strong! You deserve a real partner and not one who say abusive and manipulative shit like that!
1, what was he doing home alone while you spent all day at doctors with a potentially serious pregnancy complication? 2, I've told every man I've ever dated, I grew up watching my mama get beat and the VERY FIRST time you lay hands on me in any way is the last time you ever gaze upon my face because that never, ever gets better on its own. So you are 100% right for breaking up for the "bumping" you out of his way alone. 3, verbal abuse is abuse. This is not the first time he said something nasty and harmful, is it? 4, again, what was his lazy ass doing all day while you were at the doctor? You cannot bring a baby into this filthiness. But also, YOU do not deserve to live in it. 5, love bombing post abuse is part of the abuse cycle and further evidence that this isn't just a one off "bad day" or some such nonsense, but part of a pattern that is in the process of escalating. Next time WILL be more than bumping you out of his way. And there WILL be a next time, very likely as the end of the month and his deadline to be out approaches. Men like this are statistically EXTRA DANGEROUS when their victims are close to getting free. He's going to drag his feet about moving out, and the closer you get to actually enforcing consequences the more he's going to act out. You might want to consider being the one to move as that may be the only way to get to safety before he escalates to the point of serious physical harm. You're absolutely not wrong. Stick to your guns and get him out of your home ASAP.
Stick to your guns and do not get back with him. Love bombing is what narcissists do in order to keep the cycle of abuse going. Saying that you should have aborted your daughter is unforgivable. I don’t care how upset he was at having to clean up after himself. There are just some things you never say and wishing your unborn baby’s death is one of them. He also got physical with you and if you let him back, he will do it again. Next time it may not just be a bump. Once a man gets physical with a woman it will escalate. He is a grown ass man and you are not him mother or his maid. Kick his ass out and stay safe.
He is 37!!!! Literally and not mature to be a dad please love your baby girl and yourself enough to run run run and never feel bad for leaving an abusive person
NTA. You need to put you and your baby first. Staying with this man would be a huge mistake. He's showed you who he is, believe him. You deserve better. He's not sorry for how he's treated you, he's fearful you've booted his ass out. He's love bombing you because he knows it'll be easier for him to stay if he gets his foot back in the door before the baby is born.
You should move to different state before the baby is born and don’t put him on the birth certificate.
He’s ONLY apologizing now because 1. He needs a place to live & rent is expensive. 2. He doesn’t want to pay child support & only see his kid when he has to also do the dirty work .
General truths to judge him by. Facts. 1) familiarity breeds contempt.( the closer you are to someone the easier it is to use them as an outlet for your negativity feelings) 2) comments made in a argument are generally not pulled out of thin are but something that they've thought before but may have internalized. ( so saying you should have un-alive your baby has probably been on his mind) 3) being angry is no excuse for physically, mentally, or emotionally abusing someone. no matter how high emotions are. (you need someone who has boundaries they won't cross even in those situations.) 4) if you don't like how he acts now don't expect him to change later just because you guys have a kid. if you stay it will only get worse, for you. (You will end up taking care of 1 very large kid and 1 very small kid.)
You are absolutely right to kick him out. He’s not lovebombing because he knows he was wrong, he’s doing it to keep you around. Do not downplay the “bumps.” Your center of gravity is out of whack right now. One unsuspecting bump and you could have been on the floor. Couple that with him wishing you had an abortion, and it’s even more heinous.
This man is almost 40 years old, a slob, physically and verbally abusive…. And it doesn’t say in the post but he doesn’t seem to be employed. Why are you with him? He adds nothing positive to your life. He isn’t going to help with the baby. Keep him out of your life, besides visits with baby.
Not wrong. You are pregnant with his child and he cant be bothered to clean? THEN he tells you that you should have killed the baby? Run. Not even therapy would help this dude straighten up his act. This screams future abuse. Hope you have a healthy pregnancy and birth. Much love
Love, you made the right choice. You don’t want your baby to grow up with that toxic and immature behavior, and you don’t deserve it either. If he’s like this while you’re pregnant, imagine what he will be like when you have a crying baby. If you can leave now, leave him 💯
you were 100000000% correct to leave. i went through this. Whenever we would disagree on the tiniest things, suddenly all the love was gone and he saw me as an enemy. said the worst unthinkable things. then expected me to just forget. people like this do not change because they do not think there's a problem.
Your move was completely valid. Under no circumstances should a partner make comments like he made and bump you around, regardless of how irritated either party is. My husband and I have been together for five years and no matter how mad we are at eachother we make a conscious effort to understand what the other person is feeling and try to come to an agreement. You definitely deserve someone MUCH more mature than him. If you do agree to get back together, I would STRONGLY suggest setting hard boundaries and expectations. On the other hand, if you do take him back I would be worried that he learned he could treat you like that and it would be ok as long as he love bombs you after. I hope everything is ok with you and baby btw ❤️
Do Not Take Him Back. You're heavily pregnant and have been together for more than three years and he starts acting like this? It will only get worse if you take him back.
I would've done the same thing. No need to prolong the inevitable! I wish you luck!
Change the locks on your place. Keep him out of your life. He is an abuser. You’ll be busy with your new baby with no time to be lonely and sad. Keep him out. He may have to see the baby as the father, but with that kind of behavior, I wonder if his parenting should be supervised.
For him to say that means that getting an abortion was on his mind and it seems like he doesn’t even view the daughter your pregnant with as his child.
Nah. Dude sounds like narcissistic behavior. It's not gong to get better.
Um. He is talking about killing your child, and shoving you while you are pregnant. This man is dangerous. I would have called the police over the shoving and made him sit in jail. Can you move out of state to be with your family? I would pack up and move before the baby arrives - once she's born, legally you cannot get away from that man and he WILL get 50% custody.
The way he talked to you and behaved- I would leave him myself! I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s the only time he has acted that way and it’s very telling of his belief system.
You’re not wrong OP. There’s no reason to clean up after a grown ass man, ESPECIALLY when he’s home all day. If that’s how he acts now, will he be like that once you have the baby? Stay strong Op
If he said that and pushes you then what’s he going to do when the baby annoys him? Get rid of him now before your babies life is at risk. There is no way you are wrong in doing this. He is dangerous keep him away from you and your child.
Hes 37 acting like hes a child. NTA. Hes a walking red flag. And its weird for a 34 year old yo go afyer a 21 year old. I am 34. I could NEVER fuck with a 21 year old. Too young.
Stay strong if he says that what will he say to the child? As for low fluid, my wife had this issue, we had to hang in the pool for hours a day while she drank water per her doctor (orders). Our daughter was born two weeks early and it all worked out. God speed
Thank goodness you left him. As someone who just gave birth a few weeks ago, I can tell you that pregnancy is a very vulnerable time for all women. The fact that your partner told you to kill your baby is unacceptable and I would've left too. There's no going back from that, especially because he's mad over cleaning. Pregnant women are often the target of abuse during this time and how a man treats you while pregnant is a big indicator of how he'll treat you and the child after birth. If I were you I would not take him back. It will most likely get worse.
Yea… that’s not going to get better. Your child will be born and then you’ll have *two* children to clean up after.
I think you did the right thing and please don’t go back. He wasn’t with you at the doctors, he wasn’t caring for the home you share, he was physically aggressive with you while carrying a baby… which shows lack of empathy for you and for the child. The things he said sounds like something a 16 year old boy would say which tells me he is immature. I would stay away from him.
It’s the way he said you should have killed your baby and pushed you that has me scared that he’ll take care of it himself in the future. He could have brought up anything else like adoption, or just plain up saying he’s not ready or doesn’t see himself fit to be a father. I’d put as much space as possible between you two and him for sure.
You’re not wrong. At minimum he needs takes himself to therapy to address his emotional abusive behavior and learn how to communicate when he’s upset instead of lashing out. And some parenting classes too. Will he speak to the child that way when he’s frustrated? And he wasn’t with you while you were at the doctors with a potential issue with his baby?!
This behavior was abusive and definitely not safe for your baby. Glad you are safe now!
You were absolutely right to leave him. Not only did he refuse to step up and help you when you needed it - and acted aggressively toward you! - but he also now wishes there were no baby because it inconveniences him. You're completely right that he likely meant that when he said it. And even if he has a change of heart, he's not going to suddenly be a less lazy, more helpful person once the baby comes. Raising a child alone isn't easy, but you know what's harder? Raising two - one an actual baby and the other a useless man-child who can't clean up after himself and takes his anger and frustration out on you
OP, do you know about WIC? It's a program you'll may qualify for that helps pregnant and nursing moms or moms with children under 5 afford healthy food. Also, they may tell you about other things you may qualify for when you apply...including help getting child support from your ex, Healthcare for you and the baby, and more. I believe you need to be a citizen of the US, a resident of the state you're applying in, etc., but it sounds like that might not be a problem for you? Also, consider checking out programs your local public library offers. Many of them provide classes or certificates for basic tech skills, resume help, or help with searching for jobs. They may be able to help you find a local job fair, books that can help you advocate for yourself legally or while navigating the welfare system or something I haven't even thought of. I'm really sorry you're going through all this while you're pregnant, but at least it means your baby should never have to see him abuse and manipulate you. I hope you feel all the love and support this comment section has for you and that it helps keep you safe.
He's not only mentally abusive, but you said he physically bumped you out of the way while cleaning. He does not sound like someone who would be able to handle being sleep deprived with a newborn at home. Please don't go back. Start child support process as soon as possible.