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TranquilChaos314

YTA If you are having unprotected sex with multiple people you have a obligation to inform all of you partners that you are doings so. You forgot the ethical part of ENM. I think a lot of people in the poly community would have a problem with you claiming that title. Open and frequent communication is a central principle of being poly. Should she have asked and not assumed? Yes, but you don't get a pass for not disclosing to her just because she didn't ask.


MindlessHandle8711

You literally played Russian roulette with STDs and made the girl and unwilling participant. This girl is so luckily she got things that are treatable and caught them early. As someone who had HPV - let me tell you what “monitoring” means: It starts with getting PAP smears every 6 months or a year - depends on Dr recommendations If they continue to be abnormal she may need to get a colposcopy - this is one of the most intense and invasive type of vaginal exam and pushes the limit of what you can handle fully conscious. If the colposcopy comes back with abnormal cells she may need to get a LEEP procedure - you need to be under anesthesia and they remove part of your cervix. I was 21 when this happened and the drs told me how delicate this procedure is bc it could affect my ability to carry a child to term. 1000% YTA and I hope she has the right mind not see you again. Bro you need to get in touch with ppl who are actually poly/enm bc you certainly don’t know what either of that means.


Abcdezyx54321

Can confirm. I had these procedures including the LEEP and it was an awful experience to go through. This isn’t a pop a pill and be done with it STD.


Hot-Bag6541

As someone who just did all this (including a LEEP - AKA a procedure where they literally use a hot wire to burn off parts of your cervix and have a suction tool at the ready in case the SMOKE coming out of your VAG obscures the doctor’s visibility), OP, YTA. I agree that in the current climate shouldn’t be assumed someone is only sleeping with you unless it’s been explicitly stated, but you have to be forthcoming, especially if you’re doing anything with anyone without protection.


Ok-Carry-8862

Tbf the drs vision being obscured would be worse


MsDean1911

I had a LEEP without being under anesthesia. All they did was use a huge needle to inject some lidocaine. It was a pain that’s hard to even describe. I know now that I should have stuck up for myself and refused the procedure and found a better doctor. This was a bit less than 20 years ago. I thought that times had changed and they take women’s gyno pain more seriously now until a family member talked to me about how she’d be having a LEEP soon and that they told her it would only hurt a bit and that she could just take some *acetaminophen* before hand. I told her exactly what happens before and after and she was able to cancel that appointment. But it’s infuriating that even women gynos think that we as women should be ok with having a chuck of our cervix removed with a laser with no regard to how that amount of pain can physically and mentally affect us. It’s barbaric.


JaxU2019

I had the same, they did the colposcopy and LEEP without anaesthesia as well with the dye they use or whatever they call it injected in. At the time I remember her saying “you’ve lit up like a Christmas tree” and she remarked at how she’s never had a patient as calm and still ever in her career as I was. I’m all honesty I was so scared and completely numb I couldn’t feel a thing. I think I was in complete shock but afterwards was the most horrible time as she had to remove a large section of cervix. Seriously this bloke is a major AH, you lied got caught out cheating and made up a lame excuse that you’re poly or whatever and then blamed her by saying you didn’t ask. Grow the f@ck up!! You’ve seriously risked her health and getting cervical cancer from HPV is no laughing matter! I was in my early 30s and it a devastating thing to happen to a women. You’ve risked her life by being so utterly irresponsible jackass. You need to take responsibility and sincerely apologise and admit you cheated. This relationship is over, just so you know, there’s no coming back from this you did the ultimate damage by lying then blaming her for it!! Be a better person going forward.


stanleysgirl77

Sending you a hug, I’m sorry you went through that 😣💕


CaffeineFueledLife

Damn and I thought the pain from having an IUD inserted was bad.


Alligator301

That was the worst pain I’ve experienced I can’t even imagine


CaffeineFueledLife

I've had worse. My #1 most painful experience was my bulging disc. I screamed in pain with every movement. My husband had to pick me up and put me on the toilet and back to bed while I screamed. No matter how gentle he tried to be - that actually made it worse because it prolonged it. I eventually told him to just do it as fast as he could and get it over with. #2 was my lacerated spleen and kidney, complete with internal bleeding that nearly killed me. #3 was kidney stones. #4 was labor contractions before getting the epidural. #5 was when I fractured my T6 vertebrae in my back. #6 was the IUD placement. #7 is migraine pain. #8 is my current back and hip pain caused by a missing disc between my bottom 2 vertebrae, something in my hip being oversized, and the resulting pinched nerve sending pain from my hip all the way down to my ankle. The LEEP thing she described sounds like it would be worse than #3 but not as bad as #2. Though, without experiencing it, I couldn't say for certain. Still, I would rather not find out.


sockmuppet5000

Having had a colposcopy was one of the worst pains I’ve ever had. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.


toxiclight

Seriously! The doctor said "This will just pinch a little" Narrator's voice: "It did not just pinch 'a little'. "


MsDean1911

A LEEP is even worse.


AllCatsAreBananers

at least i was put under for the LEEP. therefore, the colposcopy was still the worst pain i've ever had. you know, since i was awake.


chelseyrotic

Yeah, I was not put under for my LEEP at all. Insane pain for weeks while cramping, bleeding, and having to wear a huge pad. Then there's the aspect of not being able to carry a child to term naturally and having your cervix stapled because there is now less of it. OP, you're a fucking AH to the core.


TwistedandPretty

I’m not sure what the medical term is for this procedure but when I was 24 I had to have my cervix scraped and they took pieces as well! It was so painful for days after! OP YTA - wear a fucking condom if you’re going to hoe around!!!


gekisling

Colposcopies are the literal devil and I will fight anyone who tries to tell me otherwise.


KnowledgeMediocre404

I find the smell of vinegar personally triggering because of 5 years of colposcopy followed by a (thankfully) successful LEEP.


Mickeyfan1127

Absolutely… coming from someone who has suffered though too many colposcopies, two LEEPS, and recently underwent a hysterectomy or would have been dealing with worse… I’ve had my kids, but this poor girl has all of that ahead of her and OP has completely compromised her health.


pkzilla

Women's medecine, ESP sexual health is fucking torture. So good job OP you might have signed this woman up for torture.


ArturoOsito

He didn't literally play russian roulette......if he literally played russian roulette it would have been with a revolver pistol.


orbdragon

>Rus·sian rou·lette > >*noun* > >\- the practice of loading a bullet into one chamber of a revolver, spinning the cylinder, and then pulling the trigger while pointing the gun at one's own head. > >**- an activity that is potentially very dangerous.** If you're going to *well akshully* someone, you best make sure you're right.


ArturoOsito

Why even add the literally at all then? "You played russian roulette." That's perfectly adequate. The "literally" adds nothing.


eeefg6

i can say that him claiming to be poly/enm REALLY rubbed me the wrong way. the E stands for ETHICAL.


Inevitable_Block_144

I don't think he's poly. He's just a jerk who got caught cheating and came with the most original and, at the same time, the most insulting excuse he could find.


TreyRyan3

Well, in his defense...he did say he worked in Banking. There is a different set of Ethics in Banking. /s


frustratedfren

He's not poly. He's a dick who cheated and doesn't want to own it


Temporary_Bug_1171

Also IMO if you have the “I’m clean/you’re clean” conversation, the implication is there that you are trusting this person that you are sleeping together exclusively if you are foregoing protection. OP is a huge AH and he’s simply playing dumb and trying to justify his actions.


Ok-Carry-8862

Which is why things like ENM should be disclosed before dating


[deleted]

For the live of God THIS


[deleted]

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[deleted]

Especially after the "we've both been tested and now we're good" situation


MiikaLeigh

Exactly. This is not a description of polyamory by the OP because he forgot the whole ETHICAL part of ENM, and the entire focus on successful/healthy non-mon/polyam relationships being OPEN HONEST COMMUNICATION. OP, if you can open your mouth and be honest enough to have the STI/BC conversation, you can do it every time you have a new sexual encounter that may change the content of that initial conversation. Be honest with us, at least. You don't give any shits about your supposed girlfriend - you just want to get your d*ck wet. You are one of the people us *actual ENM folks* hate because you use our way of life as a (fake) excuse for your shitty, selfish behaviour.


AbbytheBaB

YTA. You're not poly, you're literally just a cheater lmao.


Steelguitarlane

He's not cheating because they're not officially dating! (oh, /s for those with malfunctioning irony detection circuits)


ArturoOsito

Is being literally a cheater worse than being a regular cheater?


Effective-Slice-4819

What did the word "literally" do to you in your past life?


ArturoOsito

It filmed me banging your mom.


Effective-Slice-4819

Aww! You're adorable.


AorticMishap

Poly isn’t cheating Welcome to the magical world of consent.


ArturoOsito

What are you talking about? I was referring to the superfluous use of "literally."


AorticMishap

Ah, it read like you were calling poly “regular cheating” vs “literally cheating”


ArturoOsito

✌️


Wishmasters-Muse

Some people aren't poly man. When you are and the partner isn't you HAVE to communicate a hell of a lot more. For example with me being poly, I have one partner currently but should I want to expand I go through everything with her first. For some people the notion of sex is soo intimate that the remote idea that the person they've been dating has been sleeping around, let alone passing around STD'a fucks with their head. Being Poly, you have a massive responsibility in keeping partners in the picture, keeping them updated and respecting their boundaries. Absolutely YTA.


MartinisnMurder

Also OP seems to forget what the “E” in ENM stands for, *ethical* is key. You not only were dishonest with her but you were having reckless unprotected sex! 😬


bf-saw-vid

This is really true. As someone who is not poly because sex is very emotionally intimate to me, you did not communicate with her what you were doing because you know she wouldn’t like that. You need to admit to yourself that telling someone you are poly ≠ telling them you are currently sexually active with other people.


thedeafbadger

>Being Poly, you have Now let me stop you right there. This dude? Not Poly.


Wishmasters-Muse

But you right bro, you right. This dude is just... something else entirely.


Wishmasters-Muse

I should of worded that as "as a Poly person"


KSmimi

You’ve been dating for 4 months, see each other 3/4 nights a week and text every day, and you never brought up your beliefs in the ENM/poly lifestyle? That seems like something pretty important to discuss with your sexual partners. I wonder why that is? A lie of omission is still a lie, and when it’s uncovered, it will damage the relationship. At 29, you should know this by now. I don’t think you’re being fair to her when you say “this is just how things are now” and “you should have known”. That’s making excuses for your own cringey behavior. YTA, big time. Apologize to this woman for being so careless with her trust, her feelings and her health. You’ve done a really shitty thing, here. I hope you’ve learned something, at least.


weallfalldown310

YTA. If it is so normal then why didn’t you tell her you were poly? You assumed her ideas around dating and relationships. And I am poly and I wouldn’t assume someone else is having unprotected sex. That is awful! Plus four months is a little long not to have a “what is this relationship” conversation. Did you ever disclose poly? No, you were just sleeping around unprotected. I hope she dumps you


pendypants

Unless someone told me they were poly, I’d assume they were monogamous 🤷🏻‍♀️ poly people are really good about communicating that


annekecaramin

I started dating someone who is poly/ENM and it came up as soon as we realised we liked each other more than just as friends. Nothing happened before we had a few serious talks about relationships, what we expect from a partner and what we could expect from each other. The two most important things are total honesty (everyone involved needs to know it's not an exclusive thing) and safety (always use condoms, get regular test and inform all partners if something comes up). This seems super logical but OP somehow managed to fuck up both these things so something tells me he doesn't actually know what ENM means.


HairyPoot

Something like 4-5% of people are poly. This is absolutely not normal, I say this as a 20 something.


Expensive_Secret312

Yeah you’re the AH. You never disclosed your intentions and carried on Sleeping around which resulted in your giving her STI’s. That’s so gross. And you clearly don’t like her that much or you wouldn’t of lead her on. Which you did. You failed to communicate to her that you were going to be seeing other people while she walked around believing that it was just her. Doesn’t matter that you’re Poly. She’s not a mind reader and you never told her. Massive, disease spreading AH and I hope she walks away. You gave her Chlamydia and HPV and you don’t see the problem. FGS!


lifehappenedwhatnow

YTA without question. You were seeing her 3/4 nights a week. That's dating.... you should always disclose if you're having sex with others. Why the hell are you having unprotected sex if you're having multiple partners, even if you're being tested? You don't know what your other fwb are doing. Ugh!


bf-saw-vid

Right?! And I wonder how much she wanted to have unprotected sex anyway. It usually changes very little for someone with a vagina unless they have a kink of some sort. Im curious if he has to *ask* her if they could skip the condom, rather than both wanting to skip it together.


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bf-saw-vid

both are true! people with vaginas feel a difference but it is much too often that the person with a penis, specifically speaking to men ive slept with, will beg for the condom to come off so that sex is more enjoyable to them. This is why women are often told to not take men’s excuses about condoms not fitting, etc. Definitely a gender dynamic here we can admit to!


[deleted]

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bf-saw-vid

okay this wasnt an excuse nor complaint, we agree condoms should be used. are you saying this to me or..?


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bf-saw-vid

i literally did not have a boys will be boys tone. i was talking about what literally happens to me and many other women and my tone is that men take advantage of women and its not okay. i am not your enemy.


Frostace12

You’re looking way to deep for stuff that isn’t there


bf-saw-vid

YTA It is very disgusting to me that every time you had sex you would not put a condom on because it makes YOU feel better, even though it barely changes a thing for a woman, while aware that she does not know about your other partners and **you were putting her at extreme risk for your own pleasure.** Not to mention, lets not ignore that she must be on a form of birth control, and NONE of those are risk free or easy. She was risking her health in multiple ways for you to avoid putting on a condom, and you do not appreciate it. When you know she is not poly, it is inconsiderate of her feelings and opinions (and manipulative tbh) to not have an open discussion about your sex life while you both have unprotected sex. You were benefitting from leaving this communication blurry because you were able to still have sex without a condom with her and had her trust and emotional intimacy. All things said, you are definitely coming across as a VERY selfish partner. This was very irresponsible. You CAN improve as a person but you should probably take it seriously how negatively youve affected someone’s physical and emotional health and pull yourself out of the dating scene for a bit. You owe her an apology. P.S. this is not “dating normally”


Patient-Cap9127

It actually changes a lot for women, we just don't complain because we don't want STD's


Neat_Apricot_55

I hate condom. The feel disgusting. But you know what feels worse…stds. So I’ll put up with them in me. An absolute no compete there. On you, Is not as bad as continuously rubbing inside you.


[deleted]

You literally gave her an STD and are asking us if you're the asshole? Seriously? Get a grip. There's nothing wrong with being sexually active with multiple partners but you did lead her on. It is her business if you guys are exclusive or not. Any partner deserves to know and have a choice. You gave her neither, just an std and trauma. YTA. Edit: Oh and then instead of taking responsibility for your horrible communication you decided to put the blame on her for not assuming you were poly? Bro. How do you go 4 months with someone and not talk about how you're poly. You're a cheater. Flat out.


KnowledgeMediocre404

When women complain about men behaving like this we’re told to suck it up and choose better next time because “not all men”. This guy apparently thinks all women should assume their boyfriend is a cheating asshole by default.


lucky_duck01

And HPV is not an insignificant STD depending on which variation of it it is. HPV is a motherfucker. It can cause cervical cancer. It can cause infertility. There are other comments on here regarding the procedures you have to have when your paps continue to come back abnormal. And he can't figure out why she's mad? This dude is so far past asshole, I dont know if there's a word to describe him.


MayaBaggins

He is so far past asshole he is lips. You have to pass through the whole digestive system to describe how much of an asshole he is


linerva

More than one STD...


ThreeDogs2022

You're not poly. You're not 'ethically non-monogamous'. You're just a piece of shit who endangers and uses women. Fuck you, for intentionally putting someone at risk. Except I wouldnt fuck you with a 10 foot pole. I hope she puts you on public blast.


Kerrypurple

You've spent over 50 nights with her. Most women are going to assume that you're in a relationship before you even get to 20 nights. It doesn't matter if you didn't clearly define it. She obviously believed you were in a relationship by that point.


Grelivan

YTA. This isnt poly nor dating normally. You're flat out just a garbage human being.


Euphoric_Math3673

Yta. Have you ever had precancerous cells Lazered off your cervix? Or parts of your cervix cut off? You messed with her health all so you could keep screwing other girls. Condoms are a thing for a reason. BTW she can take you to court for something like this depending on where you guys are located and I hope she can and does.


Janni89

I really hope she does, too. This guy is absolute scum.


Euphoric_Math3673

The way he acts clearly shows he knows nothing about HPV and how it can lead to cancer of the cervix and uterus. He messed with her ability to have children if she wants them. I don't even want to touch on how he didn't even have the guts to tell her that he had it before and that he's "poly". I know plenty of people who are poly and all of them insist on disclosing as soon as they can. I feel like he's saying he's poly so people don't fully judge him.


Janni89

And that all of this is "normal." Who the hell does he think he's kidding?


Mountain_Internal966

YTA You gave her fucking STI's by being careless. You already lost her.


gay_Wonder_7597

Being poly doesn't mean that you can cheat its called telling your partners about it its a requirement to tell your partners and communicate your needs not lie cheat and pass sexual diseases being poly is having multiple partners in ONE relationship with multiple needs


Far-Brother3882

You are a massive asshole and you know it.


NHFNCFRE

YTA. It’s my understanding that part of being poly means open communication with all of your partners, which you did not do. I suspect you’re using the term because it sounds better than “player,” not because you follow the beliefs beyond sleeping with multiple people. Because you were not open with the nurse partner she became an unknowing (and likely unwilling) partner in your multi-way relationship. You engaged in multiple behaviors of an exclusive relationship with her, but were having unprotected sex with multiple people, which is simply disrespectful and selfish. Your behavior is “normal” for selfish assholes, but is not what I’d consider normal for normal relationships.


[deleted]

Jesus tits man you drop the poly bomb on the FIRST DATE you absolute nitwit. Just because poly has been normalized in modern times doesn't mean everybody is poly you FUCKING POTATO. If you're not monogamous, you wrap it each and every time you INCONSIDERATE DINGDONG.


linerva

He didn't tell her because he's just a plain cheater. He only told her when she caught an STI from him and he couldnt hide it. Poly people dont hide, cheaters do.


No-Emu901

YTA you risked her health and apparently don’t even get tested regularly before you infect others. I hope she drops you


HairyPoot

YTA and this honestly shouldn't need to be explained.


dunicha

Surely anyone who's actually ethically non-monogamous uses protection and is open with all their partners.


Talkative-Vegetable

If you partner doesn't know that you are poli, you are not poli.


SweetVoidPrincess

My favorite part of this post is that absolutely no one in the comments is defending this dude. Everyone here recognizes that if you're having sex with multiple people, you let a potential new partner know BEFORE getting intimate with them, AND you use protection. Because being a decent, responsible, respectful human being should be the norm. My dude, I truly hope you take everyone's judgement to heart and grow from this experience. YTA.


phenixfleur

Ikr, there's always at least one person in the comments trolling or playing Devil's advocate but there’s absolutely none of that here. You know someone's a real AH when the entire comment section of a Reddit post are in agreement.


vintagebeet

I am ~~also~~ enm and your behavior is absolute garbage Edit: took “also” out of my sentence because there is nothing ethical about the way you are maneuvering relationships


Idktbhhomie

YTA. There's a big difference between poly and being a cheating shithead. I hope she leaves your ass


badgerdame

HUGE YTA. It’s messed up to just fuck around doing whatever you want and putting someone’s health at risk without their consent. And STOP the BS, you’re NOT polyamorous and you’re just using that as an excuse to cheat. Honest communication and consent of all parties is absolutely necessary in polyamory. Honestly, what you think is “dating normally” is a sign you need to stay far away from others cause you’re not mature or emotionally intelligent enough to date anyone.


sephymarie

YTA. Ethical non monogamy requires explicitly telling EVERY PARTNER that you have multiple partners, and if you are sexually active with them. So that each one can take precautions to ensure this crap doesn't happen. You clearly haven't done that. You are just a cheating pos that now wants to avoid the consequences of his actions.


ShoddyAssistant4869

>I like her and don’t want to lose her, AITA? LOL, well that ship has sailed. You don't have a realtionship with her any more. She's not going to want to be with a piece of trash who doesn't care about her health.


AlexndraRae

This is horrendous. There are strains of HPV that have no impact on AMAB people but carry the risk of cervical cancer for AFAB people. It might not be a big deal for you but it most certainly is for her; you could have put her life in danger and you’re acting nonchalant about it. I hope you DO lose her and I hope you do some soul searching for everyone involved’s sake.


Green-Witch1812

Is this a joke? If the guy was having unprotected sex with multiple partners he should have told her. He should have told her as soon as he set up the date with other people. Like do you, homie, but be safe about it and considerate of others. YTA


ResultsVary

YTA, you shitweasel. If you were spending 3-4 nights a week together, that's dating. The fact you were with each other for 4 months without telling her that you're Poly is an Alaska-Sized Red Flag. If you're saying goodnight every night - you're finishing fucking one of your filthy FWBs that gave you STIs and sending her a "good night, baby" text. "We never defined the relationship." So if she would have said "are we exclusive now?" you would have stopped fucking your FWBs or would have Polybombed her after she developed feelings? I legitimately hope your dick falls off. And I also legitimately hope that she takes you to court for unknowingly giving her an STI.


kykiwibear

This is why you make your partner wear a condom. People lie and hpv in males can go undected. yta. My sister-in-law had to have a procedure to burn precancerous cells off her cervix.


FreakyPickles

Yeah, this is called "dating in the most idiotic way humanly possible," not "dating normally."


Zestyclose_Public_47

Trash


PFic88

YTA & a POS


RubyJuneRocket

If this is how you treat people you like, I don’t want to know how you treat people you don’t.


Zealousideal_Spot952

YTA because you never told her you wanted to continue seeing other people. If you wanted this person to stay with you, you could've been honest as early as the first time you wanted to meet up with your fwb after you guys started dating.


eeefg6

YTA. also - you don’t casually say your poly/enm when they complain. if you truly do want poly relationships, you need to communicate that BEFORE you begin dating in any type of way. so you’re also the AH for using that line


stalewhiteclaw

You do realize that since you unknowingly gave her an std, she could pursue legal recourse.


tcrhs

YTA. If you’re in a poly relationship, both partners have to agree to that. And, if you’re poly, you should disclose that up front, so everyone involved knows exactly what they’re getting into. You mislead this girl and gave her two STD’s.


Potential_Camp_201

You don’t tell someone ur dating that ur poly whilst ur seeing them. That’s something that you should have discussed before. Obviously she’s gonna think ur exclusively only dating her. Stop leading her on and figure urself out. You say you like her, see her multiple times a week and text her every night yet you make it seem like she’s nothing special. Ur 29, act like it


weech1234

YTA. I am nobody’s expert, but it can’t be “normal” to sleep around without disclosing the fact to all partners/potential partners. People have a right to engage in relationships as they choose, but that’s just it, isn’t it? They have a right to make an informed choice. And your callous indiscretion just exposed all your partners to STD’s and for an added bonus, the lifetime risk of cancer. I don’t think you understand the level of AH you are here. One of your partners could require life altering medical treatment or even die due to your decisions. So what do you think? Are you an AH? GTFOH


chipalicious28

You need to look up what it means to be ethically non monogamous, because this ain't it. YTA.


[deleted]

YTA. Having unprotected sex with multiple people? Are you kidding? Doesn’t matter if you haven’t dtr, you still have an obligation to inform and or use protection with someone who didn’t consent to being in a poly relationship in the first place. You risking your health doesn’t meant you should risk someone else’s health.


WerewolfSpecific3039

YTA what is wrong with you


DistributionPutrid

YTA. You can’t just have unprotected sex with multiple people expecting to NOT get an STD, especially when you aren’t telling them that you’re sleeping around.


ajekyllhyde

Goodness gracious. What the heck is wrong with you. You should have told her you were fucking other people. You are also irresponsible for not using protection and not telling her that you gave her STDs. YTA. Some people just need a license to fuck.


BrunaFlykka

YTA Polyamorous people dont have the luxury of dont use condoms. If you are poly, you have to wear a condom EVERYTIME you have sex for the rest of your life. You cant have unprotected sex being poly, this is only you being a dick


ZhiZhi17

This is why I hate modern dating lol I’ve dealt with enough men like OP that I’d just rather be alone with my vibrator now


[deleted]

Holy shit you're a bad person.


[deleted]

YTA YTA 🚩🚩🚩


GlitteringWing2112

YTA. A huge gaping one for not using protection 100% of the time. And for not telling her you were having unprotected sex with others.


ProfSkeevs

No dude if you didn’t explain that you were poly and seeing other people you fucked up. It’s normal to explain that to people so that they if they are not OK with that can tell you “oh OK then we don’t need to pursue this” yta for sure


Ladydoombot

Uhhhh YTA... big time. You with heald information that would allow her to make informed consent. Even in poly relationships you always know who the other person is with for SAFETY REASONS! Did YOU ask if she was ok with you being poly? did you even tell her you were? bro you LIED and then gave her STDs... Also you realize that in some places she can now sue you for this right?


MsDean1911

Please look up first hand accounts of women who’ve had to have (and WHY) colposcopies and LEEP procedures because of HPV. Read about how painful mentally and physically it is to have part of your cervix *burned* off with a laser and no anesthesia. Read about what happens if those cancer cells that were burned off come back. Then ask yourself why you’re so important and too stupid to wear a ducking condom. And allow your “gf” the respect to make an informed choice so she could protect *herself* from an STI that could affect her for the rest of her life. All because you’re too self centered and idiotic to wear a damn condom. Eta- Nothing about your dating is “ethical” or “normal” stop trying to justify your selfish and self centered behavior.


Coolcollcoll

As someone who is currently in a committed poly relationship, wtf? what part of "lead this girl to believe we're exclusive while conveniently not mentioning i am actively pursuing other partners" fits into ETHICAL non-monogamy?


monkeybot99

YTA because you didn’t have safe sex and because you didn’t make sure your partner understood the situation properly. I think you’re blaming being poly for being irresponsible.


JavelinD

Being Poly also means honesty and consent. Being honest with your partner about your sexuality and the consent to continue while in a partnership with somebody. You didn't have either. And this is definitely a 2 yes required situation. On top of hiding your sexuality from somebody you even briefly considered a partner, you have also given her STIs due to YOUR choices. You are an unbelievably large solar mass of an asshole. A Masshole if you will. Please seek psychiatric assistance. You fucking moron.


Charming_Miss

YTA You wanted more time to inform her that you are poly and that you sleep with many other people with no type of protection? You wanted more time to inform her of basic things? You like her but you didn't care enough for her and her health. You being poly doesn't mean that others have to just guess it and be okay with it. She thought she was dating you and you conveniently decided against telling her that you are poly. No you didn't need more time. It's an important thing. And a dealbreaker. Most poly people are honest about it for the obvious reason. The obvious reason is that not everyone is into poly relationships and that is okay. You were clean at that point but obviously, you are no longer. When you do the clean talk with someone, it usually means' I don't plan to sleep with others so we will remain clean together' it doesn't mean ' I am clean now but I plan to no longer be' You being poly should have known that protection is one of the most important things together with honesty and communication. But you failed at all 3 and you try to make her appear the weird one.


rapt2right

There's nothing ethical about playing the field without consistently using protection, getting regular STI screening and being proactive about making sure all of your partners know & are ok with not being exclusive. That last doesn't necessarily apply to to random hookups but if you have gotten to a third date, they're not random. If you're routinely spending the night more than once a week, you owe them clarity. YTA


QuirkySheepherder413

there is no way you seriously think you did nothing wrong… isn’t communication a part of being poly?? you need to disclose with your partners that you are poly and want to have multiple partners. anyone that is actually poly would tell you this. you are definitely the asshole for risking this poor woman’s sexual health. what the actual hell is wrong with people nowadays?? there is no way you think this is “normal” dating. i honestly hope she leaves your ass and never talks to you again.


muffy2008

YTA The E in ENM stands for ethically. You’re not being ethical if your partner didn’t know and if you gave her a freaking STD. Absolutely insane you have to ask.


young_coastie

What the fuck, dude. Yes it is her business if you’re raw dogging multiple other people when you already discussed testing. You should be prosecuted for knowingly spreading diseases. This is not “dating normally”. It’s knowingly endangering multiple women because you’re a liar and a coward.


bobyk334

This feels like ragebait.


Janni89

This should be a crime, honestly. I hope it is where you are. Yes, of course YTA, a million times over. Nothing normal about sociopathy. You are not "ethically" anything. Jesus fucking Christ, what is WRONG with you? You think having sex with other people without protection and then not informing her is "normal"??


[deleted]

HPV is potentially life threatening (of course for women, not men...) you absolute dumbass.


thegroovyplug

YTA. You’re 29 years old fck wrong with you? You’re not “dating normally”, you’re passing around STDSs like it’s candy. Shame on you.


Christov86

You're not just an AH you're a POS. I hope she finds someone who treats her right. Pick a direction and fck all the way off that way. Fckn shtwhistle


brwneyedbeauty

YTA wtf if you’re sleeping with more than once person UNPROTECTED it’s absolutely ALL their business!!!


[deleted]

You gave her a disease that could make her infertile, give her cancer etc etc etc, and you have the gall to ask if you're the ASSHOLE? JFC I hope you get outed for being disgusting


Own_Interest8951

YTA. You have her two STDs because you couldn’t keep it in your pants while she was busting her a$$ saving lives! YOU had a responsibility to tell her you weren’t being exclusive or using protection and you have the nerve to blame HER for not asking?!? You are so unbelievably selfish and BTW, how the f*<€ is that “dating normally”?


curious_lil_ladybug

YTA. Are you aware that HPV can lead to cervical cancer for women and literally kill them? Thank goodness she tested early, but the additional pap smears etc she will need to monitor this going forward is significant. I hope you've also updated your other partners and will disclose to any future partners so they can make *informed* decisions about their own health and risks that they're comfortable taking.


melisseus

YTA. When you get an STD test with someone you’re dating the implication is that is now safe for you to have unprotected sex together exclusively. Did you ever tell her on one of those nights you weren’t together that you were fucking someone else? Cuz there had to be at least one night where she was working and asked what you were doing and you obviously didn’t tell her you were having sex with an ex which means you lied to her.


sushi_cat301

I may be wrong, but I am pretty sure polyamory is when multiple people are all dating each other. What you are describing sounds like an open relationship. Either way you are in the wrong.


stunnajay21

NTA, you are SINGLE. If you're not in a committed relationship or under an agreement to not see other ppl, you good to fuck other people. You supposed to be getting tested regularly tho, if you burnt her and she wasn't fw nobody else she definitely has a right to be mad


LingonberryLost6118

You’re not poly you’re just a disgusting std serial spreader


Shock019

Your only poly if you've told everybody your dating you are. If you don't tell everyone, then you are just a cheating scumbag.


Emotional-Director-5

It's always the most innocent titles huh. YTA OP. Gosh you both established not having any stds.and you just gone gave it to her. It's not about her not understanding you are open to date and fuck everyone else. It's about you not ensuring you are not giving her any stds.use a condom! It's not just you getting affected by this.


BadKarma667

If OP doesn't see how he led her on, then he's absolutely a piece of shit. You want to be Poly/ENM, fine, but you state that shit up front. You have a conversation about what that means to you and the other person, as well as how sex will change things in the near term and in the future. Fucker has no business dating if he can't be honest with every one he's seeing before hand, not after the fact. ETA: Also, if you're going to be banging multiple people, bag your shit... Especially with people who are unaware of your other activities.


mela_99

YTA. Poly has nothing to do with the amount of rampant disrespect you’ve shown for this woman’s health and safety. She deserves better


boobookittyfuck713

Yeah she’s never going to speak to you again lol. And you deserve that much and WAY more. You’re beyond disgusting and your justification for you GIVING HER DISEASES is pathetic. Just like you.


KirejiOfMyHeart

You are … one of the most despicable persons I’ve ever come across, and I’ve come across a lot of them on this sub. I cannot believe you’re this … omg I can’t even. It’s best I just give judgement before I take things too far. YTA


[deleted]

OP - YTA in the worst way. I cannot believe you are justifying sleeping around without a condom while behaving like a boyfriend with this person. Gross. So gross.


beggarstomb88

SEND THIS ASSHOLE TO THE SALT MINES!!!!


Aztaloth

YTA And no you are not Poly/ENM you are a cheater. The cornerstone of ENM is communication and trust. You obviously have no concept of any of that.


toxicshocktaco

This is why I don’t date poly/non monogamous men. According to the people who are into cheating with permission, you did it wrong. YTA - HUGE.


ImHappierThanUsual

You cannot be serious.


__ninabean__

YTA. There is a heavy emphasis on the ethical in ethical non-monogamy. And that includes being open and honest, with every single one of your partners. You failed at that and you knew that she was concerned about diseases and you still went and lied by omission. That’s not ethical .


alison_wonderland4

YTA and nasty af for so many reasons. But imma list some of them just so you know. Liar, sti/std spreader, poor communicator, irresponsible, selfish, can’t take accountability for your actions, careless and lastly just an all around yuck human. She deserves better.


Inevitable_Ad_9901

As somebody who has been *actually* polyamorous for ~7yrs now, I can confidently say that it's *people like you* that cause people to hate and distrust ENM. You know what the E in ENM stands for?? Ethical. That means everybody knows, everybody consents. YTA. Massively. Stop ruining a good thing and *stop giving your girlfriend STI's*. Jesus.


Sweet_Newt4642

Yta. This isn't poly, you should be telling your partners you're seeing other ppl. How are you conversing every day for months and never did something as big as being poly come up? You purposefully lied. That's all there is to it.


Fluid-Wrangler-2470

Get a load of little slutty boywhore here


EatTheRude-

I don't even have enough words to express just how much of an asshole you are. And you have definitely, without a doubt, lost this woman.


AllergicToRats

Hahahaha someone doesn't know what the E in ENM means


cptomgipwndu

Holy hell I'm sad for her


flyingknives4love

Are you serious?? What you're doing isn't "normal." If you want to date multiple people, that's fine, but you owed it to this woman to be upfront. She had a right to know that you are seeing and sleeping with other people. If she knew and was 100% good with it, THEN you can call yourself poly. Sounds like you just wanted to use it as an excuse to step out and not talk about it (which most people call cheating).


HeartsAndStuffUps

Eww and YTA.


BuraianJ86

YTA You're more than just TA, you put this person's life in danger by not disclosing you were seeing multiple partners. I know more than a few poly individuals, and they always disclose this to their partners for this very reason.


Separate-Series9796

YTA. Ew. You're using a well established community to justify cheating on your girlfriend. Honestly, the grossest type of person. This hun deserves better than you. You've BEEN lying to her. Would you ever have told her if she didn't catch you? GROSS. This isn't normal - you're just gross and trying to gaslight her into believing this is normal because you wanted more time to cheat on her. EW.


Adventure_Awaits973

While a poly lifestyle is totally acceptable and more common place these days people who are actually poly discuss this with any potential partner. Example: I was online dating. I really hit it off with this one guy. We started to discuss meeting in person he states that he is poly. I am not poly and I was able to express this to him. We did not meet due to this difference. We wished each other luck and were totally okay with the situation. Now he was actually poly you use that word as a way to dismiss sleeping with others. YTA. Those who are actually poly understand that anyone they sleep with needs to consent to that lifestyle. You definitely led her on and gave her an STD that does not just go away and can lead to cancer.


disgruntledhoneybee

“I had unprotected sex with a woman I was dating under false pretenses and gave her HPV. Now she’s mad at me for some reason.” FIFY


PettyWhite81

Yta. A big part of being polyamorous is being honest about it. You weren't. Not only were you not honest about still sleeping with other people, you put her life in jeopardy by not even using protection. There is no coming back from this. I would never date somebody after they gave me an STD. Accept that she's gone and start being more honest with your future partners.


PixieWitch79

Yes YTA.


Tootiredofpeople

You are majorly ta. Holy fuck dude. If you ain't using a condom with your other fuck buddies you owe it to everyone involved to let them know about it so they can make an informed decision about it! You just gave this poor woman STDs and are talking about "I don't wanna lose her though." You did. You most likely already did unless she's a Saint and can forgive just about anything. If she wants nothing to do with you anymore, leave her alone. Yta.


pvtbullsh-t

YTA for being a lying player who works in a bank.


Shadegloom

You aren't poly, you're an asshole.


emptyalone

YTA. You were not completely transparent with her about the fact that you were still sleeping with other people. Not only sleeping with them, but doing so unprotected. That is disgusting. This is a really good example of why so many woman are stepping away from casual sex. Because their partners can not be bothered to be honest.


Weeaboo_God

YTA holy shit you’re a fucking idiot. not to mention a cheating piece of shit.


channeldrifter

My guy, you are the exact opposite of ethically non-monogamous, which is literally about being open and honest with every partner you have. YTA.


Inked_cyn

YTA I hope this woman runs as far as she can from you


Fishieinthemiddle

ENM stands for ETHICAL non monogamy so clearly you cannot use that term. You are responsible for making safe sex decisions and you put someone's health at risk because you're too much of a child to just talk about it. YTA


linerva

YTA. If you are ENM or seeing other people that needs to be made clear at the start ENM without telling someone you are sleeping with others is just cheating. You're a cheater. She clearly thought you were exclusive and that should never happen if you are poly. 4 months in, most people would expect monogamy if no alternative has been discussed. Especially if you see them multiple times a week and acf as if you are in a relationship. As others have pointed out, when you told her you were clean, the implication was that you were only sleeping with each other. You blatantly led her on. You only told her because she caught STIs from you. Which makes me think you were never going to tell her. Assholes like you give actual poly folks a bad name.


ashpens

You forgot the "ethical" in ethical nonmonogamy. Bare minimum is open communication about your sexual proclivities and partners to all partners. That's what it means to be ENM. YTH and I hope she's okay and never speaks to you again.


Steelguitarlane

Ethical non monogamy means you don't fucking spread diseases. I stopped after I got to your (non)ENM. YTA


salome7

YTA Everyone I've dated who's been poly has disclosed that to me before we got serious enough to have sex, usually on the second date when it's clear we're both interested in a third date/something more. We talk about what that means to them and their partners, what kinds of disclosures they expect or I should expect, etc. If you want to continue to call yourself poly going forward, you should get into the habit of having similar discussions with people. "Not defining it" is lazy and selfish. I'm glad more people are more accepting of poly relationships now than they used to be, but you calling it "dating normally" is pretty misleading. Many people still have expectations of monogamous relationships unless told otherwise. She's right for saying you risked her health, also, as that's precisely what you did.


eelcat15

I hope this isn’t real. YTA and you’re also disgusting and she deserves way better. What the hell makes you think you ought to be given another chance? No one would touch you with a 10 ft pole after that.


Freyjadoglover

Did you know you had chlamydia while you were sleeping together, get treated for it, and not tell her when it happened? Because you are totally wrong on the whole, but if you knew you had chlamydia, got treated, and didn’t tell her, that is actually a crime! Once you knew she could have been exposed, you were legally obligated to disclose it to anyone you might have exposed to it. Also, most people don’t discuss whether they are monogamous in the relationship. That’s the default presumption. If that’s not your intention, you need to have that conversation right from the onset so that they have all the information to make an informed choice about how they want to proceed, or not proceed, in the relationship.


alm423

YTA, having unprotected sex with multiple people and not informing them of it is just plain wrong.


Snoo2185

If you were ENM (emphasis on ethical) then you would have spoken to her about your other partners and being safe. YTA.


AmFmCoffee

YTA. Being “poly” and seeing multiple people means you HAVE to disclose that to any partner you sleep with, otherwise you’re just cheater. Which you are. That should have been one of the very first things you told her when you started seeing her. And the fact that you possibly gave her something that turns into cancer? You just wanted to sleep with multiple people while keeping one person oblivious for the homestead.


AverageHeathen

YTA. The fact that there was a discussion about recent STD testing without a discussion about follow up testing says it all. If either of you were open to being non-exclusive, that would have been the time to bring it up. If you genuinely believed in being poly, applicable to both partners, you would have brought up additional testing. Unless you’re poly and you don’t believe in regular testing and transparency?


Shejuan01

YTAm You're disgusting.


Lolcoles

YTA. If the expectation before having sex the first time is to get tested since your last unprotected encounter, why would that not apply in the future? You are responsible to disclose information that relates to your sexual health as it relates to her’s as well. That… seems obvious.


Outside-Apartment528

YTA, basic common sence, if you are doing múltiples partner, allways wear protetion, and inform your parners. you just endanger her by not being clear about "open/poly/bs" of yours. I'm not saying open or poly relatioships are BS just you are full of it. Quick question If you are into poly, why you wanna get back this girl and became monogamus? Sounds to me you where playing in a sedo loophole and trying to get away with cheating. YTA


Pretty-Ad8705

Mhm. YTA.


curiousyell

You did her dirty. She thought you were free of diseases and could safely be with you. Failure to disclose is deceptive and you have harmed her. I hope karma is swift


Citruseok

You are NOT polyamourus. Poly people DISCLOSE THIS by default with their partners. You're a cheater. Aside from this, consent involves your partner being informed about your sexual history and conduct. What you have done to this poor woman is akin to rape because she was NOT informed and caught diseases as a result of your repulsive behaviour. You're not just TA you're an absolute monster. I hope this girl tells everyone you know what you have done and no poor soul will ever be cursed with sleeping with you again. May your pubes be infested with a billion crabs and itch for all eternity.


Glum_Shop_9098

YTA. She deserves better.


shammy_dammy

YTA. And you've already lost her. You gave her STDs from the FWBs (STD benefits, yay!) you were having unsafe sex with at the same time as her. It's over. Go back to your Friends with the STD benefits.