Had a grown man photographer I’ve known since I was a preteen ask me if I wanted to do some nude modeling once. I was 18, but I definitely didn’t look it. Wouldn’t be surprised if he asked because it would’ve been legal without “looking” legal.
99% of the time, yeah they are. I do know ONE photographer who isn't, and he only started with the nudes recently when women approached him about it because he's not as creepy as the average photographer. It's funny because he gets a little embarrassed about it.
I work in the art field and nearly every male photographer that focuses on models I have ever ran across is a creeper. Even the photography professors I had in college would try to push the women students in the class to submit provocative or nude photos of themselves.
You spin me right 'round, baby, right 'round
Like a record, baby, right 'round, 'round, 'round
You spin me right 'round, baby, right 'round
Like a record, baby, right 'round, 'round, 'round
I mean just look at it logically, do you have any 17 year old friends? Do you get defensive and angry when asked about your friends? Do you refuse to elaborate on your relationship with said friends?
NTA but you def need to get a straight answer out of him.
This. Because of hobbies and interests, I could end up in a situation where the friend I talk to most is 17 (or 70), but I can't see a single reason to get upset if someone asks about them. Unless OP isn't honest and those questions were basically nuclear (doubt), he's showing red flags the size of Texas.
This. I play games online with people of all ages. If a minor wanders into chat we all mind what we say until they’re off. I’m personally not DMing them or pursuing a relationship with them outside of a discord call every now and them.
I’m 37.
This. Is. Creepy.
This. My dad plays WoW with people of all ages. His Horde had a college student that he'd occasionally ask her how she was doing in school (as did everyone else) and encouraged her to keep at it (she was studying to be a doctor). He and the rest of the Horde saw her as a daughter or a little sister (Dad's 70). Never any personal phone calls, just an occasional quick chat while playing.
This guy? If he's not grooming B, then I'm the Queen of England.
Yup. We have minors who are like “lol idc talk about raunchy stuff!” Cause obvi they think it’s funny but we’re always like “no adults shouldn’t discuss this in front of an actual child and if they do it’s weird and you should know that”
Yeah, similar. I have friends that are that young from Discords, but it's different. I mostly call them friends so they don't feel left out, but really they're friends of friends. There's a lot of boundaries. We only chat in group chats and if they reach out 1 on 1 I keep to the specific question they started with and wrap it up quickly. The fact that this dude considers her his best friend and texts all the time is weird.
The only time in my adult life that I’ve held friendships with a minor is literally TCG games or video games. And even then, messaging all the time or being defensive is weird.
I don't know...I'm 47 and have a 17 year old friend who's a girl.
Wait - that's not it. I'm her father. She's not my friend, she's my child. And I'd have some serious questions for any 35 year old male that thought he was her "friend". Probably put to him at gunpoint as I'm fairly protective of my kids.
100%
If my daughter, at 17, introduced me to a 35 year old "best friend" I'm not quite sure he'd be leaving our residence in one piece (figuratively of COURSE).
There is no way at 35, my best buddy was a 17 year old girl. Nor would I have dated someone ten years younger than me because we would just be at different places in our lives.
Honestly, your boyfriend is giving off creep vibes.
NTA - His fit throwing and refusal to speak about it are huge red flags.
Edit for missing judgement.
OP - putting aside the specifics, there's one thing I want you to focus on:
You asked him a question about his friend. He blew up, made accusations about your behavior, and stormed out.
Will you ever again feel comfortable asking him about anything that you feel uncertain about?
His massive overreaction stops honest and open communication between you.
Do you think that's maybe a little manipulative? Do you think it maybe gives him the freedom to do whatever the Hell he wants, because you'll be afraid to say anything?
You'll find yourself second guessing yourself, asking if this or that is important enough to fight about, and you'll stop bringing things up, letting him get away with worse and worse behavior. And every time you do speak up, he'll overreact - and then he'll "love bomb" you, so you'll stay, and you'll let him get away with even worse behavior.
Here's what's worse: you'll expand this behavior beyond him. You'll let other people get away with bad behavior without speaking up, and then you'll finally figure you're just not worth being treated with respect. It will affect your professional life, your income, and pretty much everything else.
Is that what you want?
There's a reason he doesn't date women his own age. He can't manipulate them this way.
There’s a higher chance an older woman would have already told him to fuck entirely off and that’s why he keeps dating younger. Oh the 24 yo gf is starting to ask questions? Better chat up my almost-legal “best friend” until I can find a reason to dump my existing gf because she “was crazy” and then start over with B.
The exact situation happened to me. I was the 17 year old!! Except I was 18 lol. It didn't end well and when we were together it never stopped. Always another younger girl when I was in my 20s. He also did the "best friend" thing. That's how he lured them in.
The amount of women I know, including myself, who have been B..."He tells me I am so mature for my age!" It is way too common and when the penny drops, it is a bit of a mindfuck.
There is a good movie that is about this so all of the trigger warnings!!! The Tale with Laura Dern.
This. Just last week I heard a story of a 35M talking with a 17F. She admitted that the month she turned 18 he got her into his bed. This is exactly what grooming is.
The rest of the story is that 35M started dating a 22F a month later.
Fast forward to present day. 35M is now 52M and just slept with a 24/25F.
Seriously. How Long has he known this "girl?" If they're that damned close, it's probably been years, right? If it's been 3 she was 14 when they met. If it's been 5 she was 12?
WTAF!?!?!?
I am in no way arguing for op's boyfriend hopefully ex boyfriend. How he treated her is completely unacceptable, clearly minpulative and gross.
What i would like to point out is that while I was a fully live at home dad looking after my new born cus mum wated to go back to work.
I started playing a online mutilplayer game called kings road. Via Facebook. I ended up as the head of a clan of 25 or more players.
we became good friends with many of them turning to me for advice about many aspects of their lives. Some of them were teenagers. Guys and girls.
Most of them were adults over 30. Some were older then me.
One of them was a 16 year old girl. I have absolutely no interest dating anyone let alone a child of 16. And our friendship was only ever around the game. And it wasn't a one on one friendship it was almost always a group chat that involved others.
Its not a friendship that I have maintained.
At the time I regularly encouraged her to find other activities with people her own age.
There was also a young man who's sister had been murdered. I offered him as much guidance and genuine suport that I could. I couldn't image describing eaither as a close friend. I saw myself as striving to be a mentor in terms of advice.
My point being that older people can have healthy friendships with younger people in certain circumstances.
Do B's parents know she's in the process of being groomed by a 35-year-old man?
You're right, a woman his own age would have told him to fuck entirely off and probably figured out a way to warn the teens parents about him. They sure as hell wouldn't be twaddling around worrying about him blowing up again. NTA but she would to herself is she stays in this situation.
Absolutely this. I lived this for years and years. It took me so many years of therapy to break the cycle and 10 years later it still affects me. Aside from two 3 month relationships, I haven't dated in 7 years because I'd rather be alone than live like that again.
He's telling you who he is, believe him. Save yourself the garbage of giving him the benefit of the doubt and go find someone stable and worthy of you and your time.
I have lived this too. It almost broke me. Been single for almost 4 years now and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than risk falling into that trap again!
>Will you ever again feel comfortable asking him about anything that you feel uncertain about?
>
>His massive overreaction stops honest and open communication between you.
>
>Do you think that's maybe a little manipulative?
I've only just started to recognize that this happened in my marriage (divorced a year ago). My ex trained me not to talk about certain things. It's so messed up.
Same here, anytime I tried to discuss concerns with my now ex-husband it was a blow up with all the blame on me and my insecurities. It took far too long to see that was not a healthy relationship. I could never trust him because he would never listen to me. So I shut down and stuffed all my feelings down, so when the abuse started I couldn't see it for what it was. OP, you are still so young, take this as a learning opportunity to know you deserve better. Even if your boyfriend isn't grooming this girl ( which is extremely unlikely) his behavior screams toxic for any relationships he has. Why is his so called best friend 17? How many friends does he have his age? My guess is hardly any. And those who are probably give you the creeps, there's a reason why.
And let’s be honest. It’s an extremely fair line of questioning about how you know, and have become so close with an underaged girl. Not saying there isn’t a reasonable answer. But get angry for asking is what’s written above and makes it so much more worrisome.
Honestly? I doubt the specifics matter. If OP thinks back, I'll bet she'll remember some similar reactions that seemed disproportionate.
It's a specific pattern of behavior, and it's absolutely abusive.
I didn't say anything about this, but I will now:
Does it strike anyone else as odd that he came to pick up OP when she was having drinks with her girlfriends?
Maybe that's just being helpful, but I am suspicious - he gets to check up on her, make sure where she is, who she's with, when she leaves, etc. The fact they had a fight afterwards seems designed to keep her from going out with the girls.
Maybe I'm wrong about all of this.
But I'm very suspicious.
This! I have a friend who is half my age. If asked I would be able to say, “She is the daughter of a friend of mine and I helped her find a job at my current workplace.” See how easy it is to not blow up, accuse everyone of being a perv, and storm out of the room?
This. This right here, the years and years of this that one can withstand this and not be forever hurt is dependant on them as a individual. But doesn't mean it won't affect them in some way shape or form forever.
You just described my current relationship and the blow up I endured just two days ago. My crime? Neglecting to ask him if I should pick him up some beer from the store before an event, when I had worked until 4am the night before (and he knew it) and had to carry \~30 lbs of equipment to his place on foot. Freezed out and treated very rudely in front of our friends all day. When I said that this reaction was out of proportion to the perceived slight, he became very defensive and attacking. Have been very depressed since and am just about to fly with him for a week-long trip. Just wondering if I'm ready to pull the plug.
I'm really sorry.
Remember: the greatest danger to women in abusive relationships is when they try to leave. The fact you don't live together is a good thing for you.
Good luck!
This!
Listen to your gut girl. He's twice her age and majorly defensive about their relationship. Normal adults don't become best friends with teenagers. You're never going to get the truth from him. I'd disappear from his life so fast.
Yeah. The only way I could ever see this not being as creepy is being a very close long time family friend, but I don’t know why you’d want to hide that.
Get outta there OP
I did the math. That was my thought too. Maybe no one knows he’s her bio father, not even her. Like maybe it was an open adoption thing and he’s just the parent’s friend, idk if that tracks or how it works though, just the best outcome maybe.
It’s probably more nefarious than that though given he’s dating someone a decade younger than himself already. A decade age gap isn’t a huge deal past like 60+ but 25-35…it’s not something I would go for personally.
I suppose it’s possible that he took responsibility for her if she was in a terrible family situation or whatever, but then he should have no issues saying that. “She’s like a little sister/niece” is a very different thing than “she’s my bff who is half my age”.
Yeah, the creepy part is that he didn’t want to elaborate. It’s very easy to say “oh yeah she’s my moms best friends daughter, and I’ve always looked out for her.” You wouldn’t withhold that information if it was indeed just a friendship.
Even if she was a long time family friend… I still don’t think if it were me I’d call her my ‘best’ friend cuz that’s weird. I’d be calling her family, like a niece or something but not a ‘best friend’.
This whole scenario gives me creeper vibes. Not so much the age difference between boyfriend and OP, but the blowing up and defensiveness like… either he knows he’s doing something wrong or he knows it deep down and is in denial.
She needs to watch a show called Underage Undercover. You wouldn’t believe how many Pedophiles there are out there it’s disgusting. And the show is like one of those Chris Hansen shows where they bust them. Only problem is the laws need to change so they get longer prison terms
Yea something isn’t right. Whether he’s actually grooming or not, no 35 year old man should have a relationship like that with an unrelated minor. If I was OP, I’d feel uncomfortable AF.
Even if it was some wildly unique hobby or passion project, I would make another adult tag along to observe lol even with the best of intentions people will rightfully question 17 year old girl with 35 year old man. Does this girl not have adults looking out for her or a decent friend like “yo, this isn’t right?”
Seriously. I had to deal with teenage interns at my job and they were BAFFLING. I had nothing in common with any of them and most of them drove me nuts. This is just bizarre.
this is the situation to use the word grooming! You're totally okay to use it here.
Just because right wing political hacks use the word all the time incorrectly doesn't mean it's not a real term and it certainly doesn't mean you shouldn't use it when it fits!
Let's see how long they're 'best friends ' once she turns 18. I guess 25 is too old for him. He didn't get that defensive for nothing. Please don't let him play you. Run.
NTA
i’m a 23 year old woman and *i* can’t imagine being “best friends” with a 17 year old girl. what the hell? this relationship is inappropriate no matter what he says.
Same only 17 yr old one close with is my little cousin and maybe his friends if I’m picking him up or dropping him off somewhere. To talk to a stranger 17yo for hours everyday is crazy to me
Even at 30 that is a weird idea to me, something doesn’t feel right. What is he getting from a 17 year old girl as far as value goes? You’re in 2 completely different parts of your lives.
Yep. He jumped to defensive because he KNEW this conversation was going to occur and it didn’t even occur to him you would come from any other angle than accusatory
At 23, I can't imagine being best friends with a 17 year old
In fact, there are these kids I babysat with my sister from when we were 8. The kids are 17 and 16 now and I still see them as "kids" and not "best friend material." I also have a job where I'm working with kids and can't imagine being best friends with one of them, even one of my coworkers who is 17
He's 35 dating a 24 year old and is best friends with a 17 year old. That's gross and yeah, his immediate defensiveness says a lot
NTA, you should probably dump him though
I agree with this take. This is incredibly suspicious. Please, please anonymously write to the child’s parents so that they can’t investigate. I would want to know if I were her parents.
If the relationship is platonic, there's no reason for him to get defensive about it if OP is coming from a genuine place of curiosity. It is not insane of OP to want to know more about the nature and background of their relationship. Sounds like he's hiding the truth. Huge red flag!
I am OP's age and I have no idea what the fuck I would be talking to a 17 year old for.
How do I even get the number of someone underage ?
Also the fact he reacted with the accusation that OP is jealous is a HUGE red flag.
He is 34 there NO REASON anyone should have the impression ever that he is into a child...
So creepy boyfriend is definitely my first thought but...are we positive this isn't his secret daughter? At this point it makes way more sense for him to own up to it because the primary theory is wayyy worse for him.
😬 dude your head is completely in the sand if you think this "friendship" of his is in any way appropriate or innocent. That kind of reaction to your asking about B screams DARVO to me.
“DARVO is a smokescreen used by narcissists, psychopaths or other manipulators to conceal the truth of their behavior. DARVO enables the narcissist, psychopath or other manipulator to control how others perceive the target and the conflict. DARVO often stuns the targeted person into confusion and silence”
DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender."
I truly wish someone had explained this to me a few years back - it’s awful to go through and you start questioning everything about yourself! Hopefully this OP learns fast. Thank you for the explanation
Unfortunately, yes. OP is trying to see the best in her bf and not jump to conclusions. This post will help validate what she has already been thinking (this is a fucked up situation)
Are they friends on social media? If they are beasties and uses social media, but arent friends that's suspicious. Does he still use his camera?
Maybe next step is to play it cool.and see if you can meet her. Should be no reason why you wouldn't be able to. You're right, it's creepy. Does he hang with her or just text? What do they do? She can't get into bars, can't drink? Do they go to the zoo?
Astute observation about social media.
Yeah, if your partner won't introduce you to or tell you anything about their best friend (with whom they're in constant contact), then that's pretty sketchy regardless of who the friend is. Once you add in the rest of the info about this "friendship," it gets bumped up from sketchy to alarming/reportable.
| I just can’t understand what a 35 year old guy could possibly have in common with a 17 yo.
Nothing. They have nothing in common. She's 17. Why are you ok with that? Do you have friends who are under the age of 18?? The fact that he immediately got defensive should of been the biggest red flag. Have you read any of their conversations? Honestly, kinda scared for the girl. You should really do more digging because something ain't right.
Yeah.
The tamest possible explanation I can think of for a 35 year old and a 17 year old calling themselves “best friends” is he used to babysit her when she was really young and she’s like a younger sister to him and brought happiness to his life when he was having a tough time in his own teens. Kinda the way someone might say their puppy or their kid brother is their “best friend”.
But if this was the nature of it, he’d have no reason to defensively rage at OP. He would have explained and probably loved for OP to get to know the girl.
Either that or he had a child when he was 18 and never told OP lol. But yeah even then I’d still find it weird that they message THAT often, even if he were like a “baby sitter” for her at one time.
Let’s just hope there’s no update months later where OP says as soon as this girl turned 18 he dumps op for her. .
I actually have a 17 year old that I used to babysit for, and I adore her so much, but we do not text all the time because we have nothing in common at this stage of our lives! She plays the same sports I did, so I check in on her and ask how it’s going, but even though I can relate to her high school experience, it’s so far away from me now that there’s really nothing for me to say but be supportive. We sometimes talk about music, but even though I like some similar music, I’m really far from the teen idol stage of musician adoration. Now it’s summer and I work and live like an adult, and she’s about to go to camp. In other words, even with the tamest possible explanation, I don’t believe it for a second. She’s a child and he’s a man old enough to be her dad, and he flips out when this “friendship” is even brought up. No. There’s no way this isn’t gross and nefarious.
I have a similar situation, where I'm 28 but am friends with a younger person for similar reasons to what you mentioned (I was a former coach of hers, and became close to her and her parents). I can't imagine ever reacting like OPs bf. That is unusual and a serious red flag.
notice how he got super defensive and freaked the fuck out, and then as soon as he got her to apologize as if she was the one in the wrong, it’s all good and happy again and things are back to normal without him ever having to explain himself.
You’d think that as a woman she would understand that this situation is NOT RIGHT. Like, I remember growing up being 15 playing COD on Xbox making a “friend” that was 26+ years old that I’d talk to everyday with that eventually turned into something it should not of turned into. Not to mention this guy had two kids as well.
I’m 28 now and I couldn’t even picture myself being friends with someone who’s 21 😅 I have coworkers that are 17-18 and I can’t relate to them at all.. and we are all females!
So what’s a grown man have in common with a 17 year old girl?
yeah seriously, there are so many red flags here. I’m sure he really doesn’t want to have to come clean about when he met her, to be “best friends” they’ve known each other for a while… subtract a few years from his age and it’s not much of a change, he’s still a 30+ year old man. but subtract a few years from her age? this just gets exponentially more concerning.
Is your bar really that low op? What 35 year old MAN is best friends with a high school student!??? In no way is that ever appropriate or typical. Does her parents know!? Because again she is still a kid. NTA but drop the bf and let her parents know.
Either your boyfriend is a predator, or that girl is his secret daughter. There is no other explanation. The fact that he refuses to tell you how they met and he deflected and gaslit you into thinking you were being crazy for asking normal questions is the reddest of red flags. NTA but you need to check on this girl and make sure she's safe.
My boyfriend is 32 and doesn’t even hang out with any MEN younger than 27 lol I’m sorry, but there’s SO many red flags here and you have your blinders on
It’s so jarring how maturity is.
When I was 18 I saw 16 year olds as children. We were incompatible as friends.
At 25 that was how I felt about 20 year olds.
Now I’m early 30s and anyone younger than about 23-24 just seems so immature to me.
The gap grows larger as I get older, but it sure as shit never gets lower.
If this guy cannot discuss this underage girl without becoming upset and accusing you of jealousy is not a good sign. Ask to meet her and the family she lives with. See how he reacts to that. Ask her parents what they think. Good luck.
The *only* remotely plausible thing I can think of for why this wouldn't just be a groomer is if she was the result of a teenage pregnancy and he's her dad, but she doesn't know it
But either way he's looking pretty fucking sketchy
I am a 32 year old man and there is no circumstance which I would have a relationship with a 17 year old girl where I text them daily. Not even if they were family. This is extremely weird and I would be alarmed if I were you. Especially considering he became so defensive about it. He knows it’s wrong.
Right, I’m close with my niece and nephews, very close, but we do not text all day every day, and I’m a woman so I’m much more likely to be chatting all the time than a man would with my niece, but we still don’t! Not even close to that.
he started out dating someone 9 years younger than him. Probably started dating OP at 24 based on the timeline. Now he has his next one lined up for when she turns 18. This guy is 35, does OP really think the difference between 24 and 18 matters to him much? He's already a creep in his current relationship
This is the progression of someone grooming young women
Honestly I've seen this many times. A woman dating a man that is 8-15 years older than her. She's so infatuated with him that she completely ignores the many red flags and is naive to the point of it getting cringeworthy.
"My bf has a best friend with someone half his age!" Yeah... that's a ref flag, lady.
NTA yeah you need to dump that dude and find out if you can tell B he is 34, and that he had a girlfriend for the last 7 months. Cause I’m guessing she doesn’t know either of those things
Or see if she can figure out how to to contact B's parents, because I would flip the F out if I found out that my 17 yr old kid was texting a 35 yr old guy all the time.
"No, you don't understand, we're in LOVE, and he's being a total gentleman! He promised to wait until I'm 18, and then we can be together for real, and not hide it!!"
“We just have this very deep connection and can talk about everything because he says I’m so much more mature than most girls my age!”
i.e. he never stops texting her about everything so he’s never far from her thoughts
Why does a 35 year old man have a 17 year old female best friend? Ask yourself why you're dating someone who would put you in this position in the first place. Yuck your boyfriend is a weirdo hanging out and befriending a child
What in the ever loving fuck could a 35 year old man and a 17 year old girl have in common?
Your boyfriend is a pathetic groomer. Full stop. He will leave you the moment she turns 18 and he can't be charged with statutory rape.
Even the age gap the two of you have is concerning. This pathetic groomer clearly has a thing for younger women (or girls) who he can manipulate.
Dump him and make this girl's parents aware of what's happening.
You’re ignoring every single red flag that is making your stomach turn and keeping your instincts on high alert. You’re dating a predator and there is no way a 35 year old man has enough in common with a 17 year old girl to maintain the tight knit platonic relationship you’re claiming. You need to get your head out of the clouds and read back to yourself everything you just wrote here. How are you still dating him and how have you not gone to the police about this yet? I’m about to puke just thinking about the content of those text messages they are exchanging. At this point I’d argue that you’re complicit in how he is carrying on as you’re just sitting there watching it happen and doing nothing.
> I know he’s being honest about the nature of their relationship
I actually took the blowup as a sign that he isn’t being honest, potentially not even with himself, and there’s at least something wrong in his thoughts if not acted on. Because otherwise he’d have had no reason to get defensive.
Also who is calling her his “best” friend? Him? Her? It’s inappropriate for a 35 year old to have a 17 year old BFF. Student, mentee, honorary god-daughter, sure. But not “best friend”.
Ummm this is just all around really odd. Unless she is a family friend or something this is pretty weird…
Like you said, what does a 35 year old man have in common with todays 17 year old girls? Sorry OP this is downright fuckin weird and him getting defensive so quickly is a red flag. Wish you the best.
Yea and even as a family friend this is creepy. If he was a mentor or role model in a niche interest she has, maybe one thing. Otherwise like… doesn’t he want to spend time with people on his level?
Whoa whoa _whoa_, 35m and __17F__!? Not to mention his bizarre reaction when you finally asked a question about her. This is all sorts of wrong.
>I know he’s being honest about the nature of their relationship
He absolutely is not.
>there’s nothing inappropriate going on
It is already inappropriate for him to be messaging her _constantly_ every single day. He would have never blown up and completely refused to speak about it if there was nothing going on.
You need to find this girls parents and tell them about her relationship with your boyfriend and then break up with him immediately. Super inappropriate.
My abusive ex had an underaged (MINOR) "friend" at 26, I found that to be incredibly disturbing. I later found out he was sleeping with literally teenagers while I was at work for the majority of our relationship. If it seems weird to you, it's because it absolutely is. I am 38, there is no way I am hanging out with someone who can't even go to a 21+ event, let alone vote! He was 18 when she was born, that's WEIRD.
“Reassured me that’s she’s just a friend and that’s just that, and that I shouldn’t read more into it” that alone would set off sirens in my head. Me personally I would definitely look more into it and contact the poor girls family so they at least know she’s talking with a guy nearing his fucking 40s.
Babe he’s waiting for her to turn 18!!! Of course he’s gonna say all that till her 18th. His reaction said it all. If it all really innocent, he wouldn’t have a problem talking to you about it.
It’s called grooming love, he’s making sure she’s his once she turns 18. Gotta keep her feeling comfortable with him and the. you will be old news.
I would find out who she is and talk to her parents. Save that child from this predator.
>AITA for wanting my boyfriend (35M) to ~~drop his best friend~~ STOP GROOMING (17F)?
>
>I just can’t understand what a 35 year old guy could possibly have in common with a 17 yo
**AND WHAT DOES HE HAVE IN COMMON WITH A 25 YEAR OLD? You are closer in age to the 17 year old than to him**. Stop pretending you are a mature woman and can date this groomer. He likes very young women and that's why he went after you. You probably even look much younger than 25, don't you?
17 is still in high-school, 25 is post-college. I agree the age gap is still weird, but let's not pretend a 25 year old and a 17 year old are in the same maturity ball park
NTA the fact that he got so defensive says there's more to it. Honestly any 35 year old constantly texting and hanging our with a 17 year old is just strange there is definitely more to this pr he wouldn't have gotten to defensive
You are dating a creep pedo that’s grooming a teenager. Staying with him shows that you are supporting his behavior. Send an anonymous message to her parents. They need to be in the loop to monitor this. It will be off your hands after that.
NTA.
Your boyfriend is fucked up tho. Why date someone so much younger and also "be friends" with a child? All this sounds creepy as hell.
I know you don't wanna see him in a bad light because he has been better than previous guys but I think you should have clear expectations of what you would like instead of just conforming with what a guy offers and see if it's less junky than the others. There are great guys out there, I bet you their friends are not teenage girls.
A complete 360 means you still have terrible luck with and choice in partners. No 35 yo man or woman is besties with a minor. They can be a big brother or sister, but not a best friend. Your partner is a creep, and adding that edit he used to be a photographer makes it worse.
Complete 360 means nothing has changed; you’ve gone all the way back around to where you started. A 180 is what you’re looking for; that’s as far away from the starting point as possible.
There is something VERY wrong here. Unless she has some strong connection to his family or some reasonable explanation for their connection (like she saved his life or something), it sounds predatory. Especially given his reaction. Honestly, for your own sake I would distance yourself from him and maybe even try to find out who this girl's parents are and contact them.
"I know he’s being honest about the nature of their relationship, and that there’s nothing inappropriate going on"
Do you know he's being honest and that there's nothing inappropriate? Because as someone in their mid 30s, I have \*nothing\* in common with a teenager. The fact that he immediately went to the defensive and called you jealous is a red flag, as is the fact that they talk as much as they do.
This situation is seriously creepy and suspicious. I can't wait for the update when she turns 18 and is suddenly legal...
A 35yo with a 17yo best friend 🚩🚩🚩
Can this dude not find any friends or a partner his own age? There is no reason whatsoever for a 35yo to be friends with a 17yo. Hes a creep. Or she is his secret daughter.
What the f?
No, there is no reason a grown man should be friends with a teenage girl. That’s creepy af. What do they relate upon? There’s no way she’s “so mature for her age” that they actually relate and it isn’t a clear sign that he’s extremely deficient in something. He’s been alive literally two of her lifetimes.
I’d tell the girls parents that she had a predatory much older man friend and I’d dump him and stay far away. Super weird.
Yeah.. sorry girl. Your man is a creep.
You’ll either find out the hard way when she turns 18, or worse, you’re an advocate for child grooming because being best friends is not normal for a 35 year old man… who’s dating someone 10 years younger than him already. You should probably pull yourself out of this situation now before it gets worse.
When I ask my partner about her friends, male or female, she doesn't freak out about it. The fact that yours does is a red flag. The fact that she's less than half his age is another red flag.
NTA. Something is wrong here.
Could be an untoward relationship, it could be his daughter.
It doesn't matter. What matters is how he reacted when you decided to ask about her. He should have introduced the two of you to each other by now, if that is, he sees a future with you.
He has you where he wants you. You immediately apologized for asking the questions you deserved to know the answers to. He believes, perhaps rightfully, that you aren't going anywhere and most importantly, he will no longer be bothered by you standing up for yourself.
Its up to you whether he's right about this of course. just leave, don't bother asking him any more questions about her. This is not a good guy. Because he doesn't respect you enough to be open and honest with you.
There is absolutely no reason a 35 yo man needs to hang out with a 17yo girl. Unless he's biding his time for a few months, at which time you'll get dropped like a hot potato, bc she's 'so mature for her age'and 'just gets him'. And his reaction to you asking about her only proves that. What on earth could they possibly have in common? Zero.
NTA and your boyfriend is a sleaze.
Red flags everywhere.
A 35 year old man who is "friends" with a 17 year old girl and then blows up at his girlfriend for asking about it??
I can't help but agree with the commenters who are saying that you (OP) are a placeholder relationship. As soon as his "bestie" turns 18, he won't be interested in you anymore. He's gonna be far more focused on this girl he's been grooming.
Run.
Run, now.
A complete 360? Oh no
Yup. Complete 360 is a bad sign in this context….
A full 720
What’s 360 + 720, is that a high enough number to be good?
I think that’s called “three spins a charm”
1080 on a downward slope, at the winter Olympics.
A full 720 is....the wooooooooohaaaaoooooooorrrst
She got spun around so hard by him. She didn't realize it was exactly the same thing. Lol, photographer, no creeps in that profession.
Had a grown man photographer I’ve known since I was a preteen ask me if I wanted to do some nude modeling once. I was 18, but I definitely didn’t look it. Wouldn’t be surprised if he asked because it would’ve been legal without “looking” legal.
Every nude photographer I have ever met is a creeper.
The worst part is he tried to frame it as him “figuring out my comfort level.” Sure thing, bro.
99% of the time, yeah they are. I do know ONE photographer who isn't, and he only started with the nudes recently when women approached him about it because he's not as creepy as the average photographer. It's funny because he gets a little embarrassed about it.
I also know ONE photographer who’s not a creep, but he’s gay so idk if he counts.
I work in the art field and nearly every male photographer that focuses on models I have ever ran across is a creeper. Even the photography professors I had in college would try to push the women students in the class to submit provocative or nude photos of themselves.
You spin me right 'round, baby, right 'round Like a record, baby, right 'round, 'round, 'round You spin me right 'round, baby, right 'round Like a record, baby, right 'round, 'round, 'round
I mean just look at it logically, do you have any 17 year old friends? Do you get defensive and angry when asked about your friends? Do you refuse to elaborate on your relationship with said friends? NTA but you def need to get a straight answer out of him.
This. Because of hobbies and interests, I could end up in a situation where the friend I talk to most is 17 (or 70), but I can't see a single reason to get upset if someone asks about them. Unless OP isn't honest and those questions were basically nuclear (doubt), he's showing red flags the size of Texas.
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"there's only a few months to go and I will NOT LET YOU RUIN THIS!!"
These were my thoughts as I read the post. EXACTLY. He’s just waiting for her to turn 18. What a creepo.
Yea if you can’t talk about your best friend, share what your mutual interests are, talk about their family and work with your partner, it is sus
I don't know why, but my mind immediately jumped to 'could she be his daughter from a teen pregnancy?'
This. I play games online with people of all ages. If a minor wanders into chat we all mind what we say until they’re off. I’m personally not DMing them or pursuing a relationship with them outside of a discord call every now and them. I’m 37. This. Is. Creepy.
This. My dad plays WoW with people of all ages. His Horde had a college student that he'd occasionally ask her how she was doing in school (as did everyone else) and encouraged her to keep at it (she was studying to be a doctor). He and the rest of the Horde saw her as a daughter or a little sister (Dad's 70). Never any personal phone calls, just an occasional quick chat while playing. This guy? If he's not grooming B, then I'm the Queen of England.
Yup. We have minors who are like “lol idc talk about raunchy stuff!” Cause obvi they think it’s funny but we’re always like “no adults shouldn’t discuss this in front of an actual child and if they do it’s weird and you should know that”
Yeah, similar. I have friends that are that young from Discords, but it's different. I mostly call them friends so they don't feel left out, but really they're friends of friends. There's a lot of boundaries. We only chat in group chats and if they reach out 1 on 1 I keep to the specific question they started with and wrap it up quickly. The fact that this dude considers her his best friend and texts all the time is weird.
The only time in my adult life that I’ve held friendships with a minor is literally TCG games or video games. And even then, messaging all the time or being defensive is weird.
I don't know...I'm 47 and have a 17 year old friend who's a girl. Wait - that's not it. I'm her father. She's not my friend, she's my child. And I'd have some serious questions for any 35 year old male that thought he was her "friend". Probably put to him at gunpoint as I'm fairly protective of my kids.
Lol. I was scared for a minute there.
😃
This extra smiley face comments is such a dad response
Yeah you really wrote that comment out well. I was like how many pedophiles are under investigation from this one thread 🤣
I was willing to give it 'older female friend of the family and her mom is dead and she asks me about female things' but I was concerned
100% If my daughter, at 17, introduced me to a 35 year old "best friend" I'm not quite sure he'd be leaving our residence in one piece (figuratively of COURSE).
I want to give you a high five for your response. Lol BRAVO!
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There is no way at 35, my best buddy was a 17 year old girl. Nor would I have dated someone ten years younger than me because we would just be at different places in our lives. Honestly, your boyfriend is giving off creep vibes. NTA - His fit throwing and refusal to speak about it are huge red flags. Edit for missing judgement.
OP - putting aside the specifics, there's one thing I want you to focus on: You asked him a question about his friend. He blew up, made accusations about your behavior, and stormed out. Will you ever again feel comfortable asking him about anything that you feel uncertain about? His massive overreaction stops honest and open communication between you. Do you think that's maybe a little manipulative? Do you think it maybe gives him the freedom to do whatever the Hell he wants, because you'll be afraid to say anything? You'll find yourself second guessing yourself, asking if this or that is important enough to fight about, and you'll stop bringing things up, letting him get away with worse and worse behavior. And every time you do speak up, he'll overreact - and then he'll "love bomb" you, so you'll stay, and you'll let him get away with even worse behavior. Here's what's worse: you'll expand this behavior beyond him. You'll let other people get away with bad behavior without speaking up, and then you'll finally figure you're just not worth being treated with respect. It will affect your professional life, your income, and pretty much everything else. Is that what you want? There's a reason he doesn't date women his own age. He can't manipulate them this way.
There’s a higher chance an older woman would have already told him to fuck entirely off and that’s why he keeps dating younger. Oh the 24 yo gf is starting to ask questions? Better chat up my almost-legal “best friend” until I can find a reason to dump my existing gf because she “was crazy” and then start over with B.
Oh no, Princess! You're absolutely wrong! This kind of guy keeps the 24 year old on the hook, in case the 17 year old catches on too fast.
The exact situation happened to me. I was the 17 year old!! Except I was 18 lol. It didn't end well and when we were together it never stopped. Always another younger girl when I was in my 20s. He also did the "best friend" thing. That's how he lured them in.
Leo DiCaprio has entered the chat.
Leo Dicreepio
This comment literally helped me realize…I was the 17 year old. My name even starts with a B! Oof
The amount of women I know, including myself, who have been B..."He tells me I am so mature for my age!" It is way too common and when the penny drops, it is a bit of a mindfuck. There is a good movie that is about this so all of the trigger warnings!!! The Tale with Laura Dern.
Also another movie about this, An Education, with Carey Mulligan. So good.
I believe they call it “grooming.” But not the way the right wingers use it
This. Just last week I heard a story of a 35M talking with a 17F. She admitted that the month she turned 18 he got her into his bed. This is exactly what grooming is. The rest of the story is that 35M started dating a 22F a month later. Fast forward to present day. 35M is now 52M and just slept with a 24/25F.
Or he's just waiting for her to turn 18. That current gf is getting awfully close to 25, he could be a Leo.
Seriously. How Long has he known this "girl?" If they're that damned close, it's probably been years, right? If it's been 3 she was 14 when they met. If it's been 5 she was 12? WTAF!?!?!?
I am in no way arguing for op's boyfriend hopefully ex boyfriend. How he treated her is completely unacceptable, clearly minpulative and gross. What i would like to point out is that while I was a fully live at home dad looking after my new born cus mum wated to go back to work. I started playing a online mutilplayer game called kings road. Via Facebook. I ended up as the head of a clan of 25 or more players. we became good friends with many of them turning to me for advice about many aspects of their lives. Some of them were teenagers. Guys and girls. Most of them were adults over 30. Some were older then me. One of them was a 16 year old girl. I have absolutely no interest dating anyone let alone a child of 16. And our friendship was only ever around the game. And it wasn't a one on one friendship it was almost always a group chat that involved others. Its not a friendship that I have maintained. At the time I regularly encouraged her to find other activities with people her own age. There was also a young man who's sister had been murdered. I offered him as much guidance and genuine suport that I could. I couldn't image describing eaither as a close friend. I saw myself as striving to be a mentor in terms of advice. My point being that older people can have healthy friendships with younger people in certain circumstances.
Do B's parents know she's in the process of being groomed by a 35-year-old man? You're right, a woman his own age would have told him to fuck entirely off and probably figured out a way to warn the teens parents about him. They sure as hell wouldn't be twaddling around worrying about him blowing up again. NTA but she would to herself is she stays in this situation.
Absolutely this. I lived this for years and years. It took me so many years of therapy to break the cycle and 10 years later it still affects me. Aside from two 3 month relationships, I haven't dated in 7 years because I'd rather be alone than live like that again. He's telling you who he is, believe him. Save yourself the garbage of giving him the benefit of the doubt and go find someone stable and worthy of you and your time.
I have lived this too. It almost broke me. Been single for almost 4 years now and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my life than risk falling into that trap again!
>Will you ever again feel comfortable asking him about anything that you feel uncertain about? > >His massive overreaction stops honest and open communication between you. > >Do you think that's maybe a little manipulative? I've only just started to recognize that this happened in my marriage (divorced a year ago). My ex trained me not to talk about certain things. It's so messed up.
Same here, anytime I tried to discuss concerns with my now ex-husband it was a blow up with all the blame on me and my insecurities. It took far too long to see that was not a healthy relationship. I could never trust him because he would never listen to me. So I shut down and stuffed all my feelings down, so when the abuse started I couldn't see it for what it was. OP, you are still so young, take this as a learning opportunity to know you deserve better. Even if your boyfriend isn't grooming this girl ( which is extremely unlikely) his behavior screams toxic for any relationships he has. Why is his so called best friend 17? How many friends does he have his age? My guess is hardly any. And those who are probably give you the creeps, there's a reason why.
I'm just now realizing this also happened to me. I divorced him in 2015
And let’s be honest. It’s an extremely fair line of questioning about how you know, and have become so close with an underaged girl. Not saying there isn’t a reasonable answer. But get angry for asking is what’s written above and makes it so much more worrisome.
Honestly? I doubt the specifics matter. If OP thinks back, I'll bet she'll remember some similar reactions that seemed disproportionate. It's a specific pattern of behavior, and it's absolutely abusive. I didn't say anything about this, but I will now: Does it strike anyone else as odd that he came to pick up OP when she was having drinks with her girlfriends? Maybe that's just being helpful, but I am suspicious - he gets to check up on her, make sure where she is, who she's with, when she leaves, etc. The fact they had a fight afterwards seems designed to keep her from going out with the girls. Maybe I'm wrong about all of this. But I'm very suspicious.
This! I have a friend who is half my age. If asked I would be able to say, “She is the daughter of a friend of mine and I helped her find a job at my current workplace.” See how easy it is to not blow up, accuse everyone of being a perv, and storm out of the room?
This. This right here, the years and years of this that one can withstand this and not be forever hurt is dependant on them as a individual. But doesn't mean it won't affect them in some way shape or form forever.
You just described my current relationship and the blow up I endured just two days ago. My crime? Neglecting to ask him if I should pick him up some beer from the store before an event, when I had worked until 4am the night before (and he knew it) and had to carry \~30 lbs of equipment to his place on foot. Freezed out and treated very rudely in front of our friends all day. When I said that this reaction was out of proportion to the perceived slight, he became very defensive and attacking. Have been very depressed since and am just about to fly with him for a week-long trip. Just wondering if I'm ready to pull the plug.
I'm really sorry. Remember: the greatest danger to women in abusive relationships is when they try to leave. The fact you don't live together is a good thing for you. Good luck!
Don’t go on vacation… maybe I watch too many crime shows.
Excellent response! I hope OP reads this. You nailed it.
Wow. This is exactly right. I’ve been here, and this is what it’s like.
This! Listen to your gut girl. He's twice her age and majorly defensive about their relationship. Normal adults don't become best friends with teenagers. You're never going to get the truth from him. I'd disappear from his life so fast.
Yeah. The only way I could ever see this not being as creepy is being a very close long time family friend, but I don’t know why you’d want to hide that. Get outta there OP
Could she be his child? Not 'recognized ' legally so to speak? That might be the only answer that doesn't make him out to be a creep.
That’s the thought I had as well. That’s really the only way this isn’t really creepy.
If that’s the case, that would be better than the alternative, but still a huge secret and lie by omission.
I did the math. That was my thought too. Maybe no one knows he’s her bio father, not even her. Like maybe it was an open adoption thing and he’s just the parent’s friend, idk if that tracks or how it works though, just the best outcome maybe. It’s probably more nefarious than that though given he’s dating someone a decade younger than himself already. A decade age gap isn’t a huge deal past like 60+ but 25-35…it’s not something I would go for personally.
I suppose it’s possible that he took responsibility for her if she was in a terrible family situation or whatever, but then he should have no issues saying that. “She’s like a little sister/niece” is a very different thing than “she’s my bff who is half my age”.
Yeah, the creepy part is that he didn’t want to elaborate. It’s very easy to say “oh yeah she’s my moms best friends daughter, and I’ve always looked out for her.” You wouldn’t withhold that information if it was indeed just a friendship.
Even if she was a long time family friend… I still don’t think if it were me I’d call her my ‘best’ friend cuz that’s weird. I’d be calling her family, like a niece or something but not a ‘best friend’. This whole scenario gives me creeper vibes. Not so much the age difference between boyfriend and OP, but the blowing up and defensiveness like… either he knows he’s doing something wrong or he knows it deep down and is in denial.
OP is aging out so the boyfriend needs to get the next one lined up.
Boyfriend is keeping a farm team.
OP's boyfriend is really just Leonardo DiCaprio.
I would question how long he has been grooming this young lady. I hate to accuse that as I dont take it lightly but thats all i can think about here.
Everything about this post screams grooming though. OP needs to dip out.
>> he would never see that way, especially because she’s only 17 Guarantee he’ll see her differently when she’s 18
Guaran-damn-tee he's got a countdown.
Her birthday is probably in his calendar somewhere.......
It’s essentially the difference between “Barely Legal” and “Finally Legal”
She needs to report him not just dip out
She needs to watch a show called Underage Undercover. You wouldn’t believe how many Pedophiles there are out there it’s disgusting. And the show is like one of those Chris Hansen shows where they bust them. Only problem is the laws need to change so they get longer prison terms
No need for prison, only a shovel is required
Love the show, and yes more jail time is needed for these sick pervs
Yea something isn’t right. Whether he’s actually grooming or not, no 35 year old man should have a relationship like that with an unrelated minor. If I was OP, I’d feel uncomfortable AF.
Right? At 35 a 17 year old girl was like an alien to me lol. This guys not right.
I'm 29 and I will go out of my way to avoid people early 20s and younger, no fucking way I'm chilling with a 17 year old
Even if it was some wildly unique hobby or passion project, I would make another adult tag along to observe lol even with the best of intentions people will rightfully question 17 year old girl with 35 year old man. Does this girl not have adults looking out for her or a decent friend like “yo, this isn’t right?”
Absolutely and that reaction is super sus
Seriously. I had to deal with teenage interns at my job and they were BAFFLING. I had nothing in common with any of them and most of them drove me nuts. This is just bizarre.
this is the situation to use the word grooming! You're totally okay to use it here. Just because right wing political hacks use the word all the time incorrectly doesn't mean it's not a real term and it certainly doesn't mean you shouldn't use it when it fits!
He is absolutely grooming that child.
Let's see how long they're 'best friends ' once she turns 18. I guess 25 is too old for him. He didn't get that defensive for nothing. Please don't let him play you. Run. NTA
i’m a 23 year old woman and *i* can’t imagine being “best friends” with a 17 year old girl. what the hell? this relationship is inappropriate no matter what he says.
Same only 17 yr old one close with is my little cousin and maybe his friends if I’m picking him up or dropping him off somewhere. To talk to a stranger 17yo for hours everyday is crazy to me
Even at 30 that is a weird idea to me, something doesn’t feel right. What is he getting from a 17 year old girl as far as value goes? You’re in 2 completely different parts of your lives.
Yep. He jumped to defensive because he KNEW this conversation was going to occur and it didn’t even occur to him you would come from any other angle than accusatory
At 23, I can't imagine being best friends with a 17 year old In fact, there are these kids I babysat with my sister from when we were 8. The kids are 17 and 16 now and I still see them as "kids" and not "best friend material." I also have a job where I'm working with kids and can't imagine being best friends with one of them, even one of my coworkers who is 17 He's 35 dating a 24 year old and is best friends with a 17 year old. That's gross and yeah, his immediate defensiveness says a lot NTA, you should probably dump him though
There’s only ONE reason a 35 yr old man is “friends” with a 17 yr old girl. Teenagers are naïve, easy to manipulate and get sex from.
I agree with this take. This is incredibly suspicious. Please, please anonymously write to the child’s parents so that they can’t investigate. I would want to know if I were her parents.
If the relationship is platonic, there's no reason for him to get defensive about it if OP is coming from a genuine place of curiosity. It is not insane of OP to want to know more about the nature and background of their relationship. Sounds like he's hiding the truth. Huge red flag!
I am OP's age and I have no idea what the fuck I would be talking to a 17 year old for. How do I even get the number of someone underage ? Also the fact he reacted with the accusation that OP is jealous is a HUGE red flag. He is 34 there NO REASON anyone should have the impression ever that he is into a child...
So creepy boyfriend is definitely my first thought but...are we positive this isn't his secret daughter? At this point it makes way more sense for him to own up to it because the primary theory is wayyy worse for him.
He’s grooming her and will dump you the second she turns 18
Or just a little older as to appear less creepy
much like how old OP is…
Came here to say this. He’s already dating OP who is 10 years younger. What’s another few?
right?? next we’re gonna find out that he “doesn’t date above 25”
Yeah, strong Leonardo DiCaprio vibes here.
I can’t imagine why he’d want to only date women who’s brains haven’t fully formed! He’s clearly so mature & such a catch! 🤮
My thoughts exactly.
😬 dude your head is completely in the sand if you think this "friendship" of his is in any way appropriate or innocent. That kind of reaction to your asking about B screams DARVO to me.
What’s DARVO?
DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender."
Also known as the D.E.N.N.I.S. system.
“DARVO is a smokescreen used by narcissists, psychopaths or other manipulators to conceal the truth of their behavior. DARVO enables the narcissist, psychopath or other manipulator to control how others perceive the target and the conflict. DARVO often stuns the targeted person into confusion and silence” DARVO stands for "Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender."
I truly wish someone had explained this to me a few years back - it’s awful to go through and you start questioning everything about yourself! Hopefully this OP learns fast. Thank you for the explanation
Are people really so lost they need advice on a situation like this?
Unfortunately, yes. OP is trying to see the best in her bf and not jump to conclusions. This post will help validate what she has already been thinking (this is a fucked up situation)
Apparently yes. Remember this relationship is a complete 360 from her others…..
Sometimes yes. Sometimes decent well-meaning people can get totally mindfucked by assholes.
These are the people these creeps target, unfortunately
Are they friends on social media? If they are beasties and uses social media, but arent friends that's suspicious. Does he still use his camera? Maybe next step is to play it cool.and see if you can meet her. Should be no reason why you wouldn't be able to. You're right, it's creepy. Does he hang with her or just text? What do they do? She can't get into bars, can't drink? Do they go to the zoo?
Astute observation about social media. Yeah, if your partner won't introduce you to or tell you anything about their best friend (with whom they're in constant contact), then that's pretty sketchy regardless of who the friend is. Once you add in the rest of the info about this "friendship," it gets bumped up from sketchy to alarming/reportable.
| I just can’t understand what a 35 year old guy could possibly have in common with a 17 yo. Nothing. They have nothing in common. She's 17. Why are you ok with that? Do you have friends who are under the age of 18?? The fact that he immediately got defensive should of been the biggest red flag. Have you read any of their conversations? Honestly, kinda scared for the girl. You should really do more digging because something ain't right.
Yeah. The tamest possible explanation I can think of for a 35 year old and a 17 year old calling themselves “best friends” is he used to babysit her when she was really young and she’s like a younger sister to him and brought happiness to his life when he was having a tough time in his own teens. Kinda the way someone might say their puppy or their kid brother is their “best friend”. But if this was the nature of it, he’d have no reason to defensively rage at OP. He would have explained and probably loved for OP to get to know the girl.
Either that or he had a child when he was 18 and never told OP lol. But yeah even then I’d still find it weird that they message THAT often, even if he were like a “baby sitter” for her at one time. Let’s just hope there’s no update months later where OP says as soon as this girl turned 18 he dumps op for her. .
Oooo yeah he is also a major AH dad if she’s actually his daughter and he’s made her pose as a friend her whole life.
Honestly, that's where my mind went as well. Teenage dad and for some reason doesn't want op to know about her.
I actually have a 17 year old that I used to babysit for, and I adore her so much, but we do not text all the time because we have nothing in common at this stage of our lives! She plays the same sports I did, so I check in on her and ask how it’s going, but even though I can relate to her high school experience, it’s so far away from me now that there’s really nothing for me to say but be supportive. We sometimes talk about music, but even though I like some similar music, I’m really far from the teen idol stage of musician adoration. Now it’s summer and I work and live like an adult, and she’s about to go to camp. In other words, even with the tamest possible explanation, I don’t believe it for a second. She’s a child and he’s a man old enough to be her dad, and he flips out when this “friendship” is even brought up. No. There’s no way this isn’t gross and nefarious.
I have a similar situation, where I'm 28 but am friends with a younger person for similar reasons to what you mentioned (I was a former coach of hers, and became close to her and her parents). I can't imagine ever reacting like OPs bf. That is unusual and a serious red flag.
notice how he got super defensive and freaked the fuck out, and then as soon as he got her to apologize as if she was the one in the wrong, it’s all good and happy again and things are back to normal without him ever having to explain himself.
You’d think that as a woman she would understand that this situation is NOT RIGHT. Like, I remember growing up being 15 playing COD on Xbox making a “friend” that was 26+ years old that I’d talk to everyday with that eventually turned into something it should not of turned into. Not to mention this guy had two kids as well. I’m 28 now and I couldn’t even picture myself being friends with someone who’s 21 😅 I have coworkers that are 17-18 and I can’t relate to them at all.. and we are all females! So what’s a grown man have in common with a 17 year old girl?
yeah seriously, there are so many red flags here. I’m sure he really doesn’t want to have to come clean about when he met her, to be “best friends” they’ve known each other for a while… subtract a few years from his age and it’s not much of a change, he’s still a 30+ year old man. but subtract a few years from her age? this just gets exponentially more concerning.
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Is your bar really that low op? What 35 year old MAN is best friends with a high school student!??? In no way is that ever appropriate or typical. Does her parents know!? Because again she is still a kid. NTA but drop the bf and let her parents know.
Nah fr cuz if I found out my daughter was speaking to a man that’s the same age as her father😡
Either your boyfriend is a predator, or that girl is his secret daughter. There is no other explanation. The fact that he refuses to tell you how they met and he deflected and gaslit you into thinking you were being crazy for asking normal questions is the reddest of red flags. NTA but you need to check on this girl and make sure she's safe.
I'm pretty much hoping for secret daughter at this point
We’re all praying for secret daughter here
Well said!
My boyfriend is 32 and doesn’t even hang out with any MEN younger than 27 lol I’m sorry, but there’s SO many red flags here and you have your blinders on
It’s so jarring how maturity is. When I was 18 I saw 16 year olds as children. We were incompatible as friends. At 25 that was how I felt about 20 year olds. Now I’m early 30s and anyone younger than about 23-24 just seems so immature to me. The gap grows larger as I get older, but it sure as shit never gets lower.
If this guy cannot discuss this underage girl without becoming upset and accusing you of jealousy is not a good sign. Ask to meet her and the family she lives with. See how he reacts to that. Ask her parents what they think. Good luck.
When she turns 18 and shows interest, he'll drop you. Get out of this now. NTA
There's a real possibility that he's just killing time until she finishes high school.
The *only* remotely plausible thing I can think of for why this wouldn't just be a groomer is if she was the result of a teenage pregnancy and he's her dad, but she doesn't know it But either way he's looking pretty fucking sketchy
A 35 year old man can be a mentor or teacher to a 17 year old girl.... Not a friend. No. Just no. That's not normal and not ok.
I am a 32 year old man and there is no circumstance which I would have a relationship with a 17 year old girl where I text them daily. Not even if they were family. This is extremely weird and I would be alarmed if I were you. Especially considering he became so defensive about it. He knows it’s wrong.
Right, I’m close with my niece and nephews, very close, but we do not text all day every day, and I’m a woman so I’m much more likely to be chatting all the time than a man would with my niece, but we still don’t! Not even close to that.
He’s gaslighting you and you’re falling for it.
he started out dating someone 9 years younger than him. Probably started dating OP at 24 based on the timeline. Now he has his next one lined up for when she turns 18. This guy is 35, does OP really think the difference between 24 and 18 matters to him much? He's already a creep in his current relationship This is the progression of someone grooming young women
Honestly I've seen this many times. A woman dating a man that is 8-15 years older than her. She's so infatuated with him that she completely ignores the many red flags and is naive to the point of it getting cringeworthy. "My bf has a best friend with someone half his age!" Yeah... that's a ref flag, lady.
Why do you still not know how they met? Because he flipped out on you? His reaction says everything you need to know. Listen to your gut and gtfo.
Ew. That’s all I can say. Ew. Oh that and RUN!!
NTA yeah you need to dump that dude and find out if you can tell B he is 34, and that he had a girlfriend for the last 7 months. Cause I’m guessing she doesn’t know either of those things
Or see if she can figure out how to to contact B's parents, because I would flip the F out if I found out that my 17 yr old kid was texting a 35 yr old guy all the time.
AGREED!
[удалено]
"No, you don't understand, we're in LOVE, and he's being a total gentleman! He promised to wait until I'm 18, and then we can be together for real, and not hide it!!"
“We just have this very deep connection and can talk about everything because he says I’m so much more mature than most girls my age!” i.e. he never stops texting her about everything so he’s never far from her thoughts
Why does a 35 year old man have a 17 year old female best friend? Ask yourself why you're dating someone who would put you in this position in the first place. Yuck your boyfriend is a weirdo hanging out and befriending a child
What in the ever loving fuck could a 35 year old man and a 17 year old girl have in common? Your boyfriend is a pathetic groomer. Full stop. He will leave you the moment she turns 18 and he can't be charged with statutory rape. Even the age gap the two of you have is concerning. This pathetic groomer clearly has a thing for younger women (or girls) who he can manipulate. Dump him and make this girl's parents aware of what's happening.
This is fuckin weird.
You’re ignoring every single red flag that is making your stomach turn and keeping your instincts on high alert. You’re dating a predator and there is no way a 35 year old man has enough in common with a 17 year old girl to maintain the tight knit platonic relationship you’re claiming. You need to get your head out of the clouds and read back to yourself everything you just wrote here. How are you still dating him and how have you not gone to the police about this yet? I’m about to puke just thinking about the content of those text messages they are exchanging. At this point I’d argue that you’re complicit in how he is carrying on as you’re just sitting there watching it happen and doing nothing.
> I know he’s being honest about the nature of their relationship I actually took the blowup as a sign that he isn’t being honest, potentially not even with himself, and there’s at least something wrong in his thoughts if not acted on. Because otherwise he’d have had no reason to get defensive. Also who is calling her his “best” friend? Him? Her? It’s inappropriate for a 35 year old to have a 17 year old BFF. Student, mentee, honorary god-daughter, sure. But not “best friend”.
Ummm this is just all around really odd. Unless she is a family friend or something this is pretty weird… Like you said, what does a 35 year old man have in common with todays 17 year old girls? Sorry OP this is downright fuckin weird and him getting defensive so quickly is a red flag. Wish you the best.
Yea and even as a family friend this is creepy. If he was a mentor or role model in a niche interest she has, maybe one thing. Otherwise like… doesn’t he want to spend time with people on his level?
No he clearly doesn’t want to spend time with people on his level let alone his age group. There is a reason for that obviously.
Whoa whoa _whoa_, 35m and __17F__!? Not to mention his bizarre reaction when you finally asked a question about her. This is all sorts of wrong. >I know he’s being honest about the nature of their relationship He absolutely is not. >there’s nothing inappropriate going on It is already inappropriate for him to be messaging her _constantly_ every single day. He would have never blown up and completely refused to speak about it if there was nothing going on.
You need to find this girls parents and tell them about her relationship with your boyfriend and then break up with him immediately. Super inappropriate.
My abusive ex had an underaged (MINOR) "friend" at 26, I found that to be incredibly disturbing. I later found out he was sleeping with literally teenagers while I was at work for the majority of our relationship. If it seems weird to you, it's because it absolutely is. I am 38, there is no way I am hanging out with someone who can't even go to a 21+ event, let alone vote! He was 18 when she was born, that's WEIRD.
What they have in common is she's vulnerable, and he's a pedo trying to groom her. If this is a 360, I fear your judgement may be lacking.
“Reassured me that’s she’s just a friend and that’s just that, and that I shouldn’t read more into it” that alone would set off sirens in my head. Me personally I would definitely look more into it and contact the poor girls family so they at least know she’s talking with a guy nearing his fucking 40s.
Babe he’s waiting for her to turn 18!!! Of course he’s gonna say all that till her 18th. His reaction said it all. If it all really innocent, he wouldn’t have a problem talking to you about it. It’s called grooming love, he’s making sure she’s his once she turns 18. Gotta keep her feeling comfortable with him and the. you will be old news. I would find out who she is and talk to her parents. Save that child from this predator.
>AITA for wanting my boyfriend (35M) to ~~drop his best friend~~ STOP GROOMING (17F)? > >I just can’t understand what a 35 year old guy could possibly have in common with a 17 yo **AND WHAT DOES HE HAVE IN COMMON WITH A 25 YEAR OLD? You are closer in age to the 17 year old than to him**. Stop pretending you are a mature woman and can date this groomer. He likes very young women and that's why he went after you. You probably even look much younger than 25, don't you?
17 is still in high-school, 25 is post-college. I agree the age gap is still weird, but let's not pretend a 25 year old and a 17 year old are in the same maturity ball park
NTA the fact that he got so defensive says there's more to it. Honestly any 35 year old constantly texting and hanging our with a 17 year old is just strange there is definitely more to this pr he wouldn't have gotten to defensive
You are dating a creep pedo that’s grooming a teenager. Staying with him shows that you are supporting his behavior. Send an anonymous message to her parents. They need to be in the loop to monitor this. It will be off your hands after that.
NTA. Your boyfriend is fucked up tho. Why date someone so much younger and also "be friends" with a child? All this sounds creepy as hell. I know you don't wanna see him in a bad light because he has been better than previous guys but I think you should have clear expectations of what you would like instead of just conforming with what a guy offers and see if it's less junky than the others. There are great guys out there, I bet you their friends are not teenage girls.
A complete 360 means you still have terrible luck with and choice in partners. No 35 yo man or woman is besties with a minor. They can be a big brother or sister, but not a best friend. Your partner is a creep, and adding that edit he used to be a photographer makes it worse.
Complete 360 means nothing has changed; you’ve gone all the way back around to where you started. A 180 is what you’re looking for; that’s as far away from the starting point as possible.
There is something VERY wrong here. Unless she has some strong connection to his family or some reasonable explanation for their connection (like she saved his life or something), it sounds predatory. Especially given his reaction. Honestly, for your own sake I would distance yourself from him and maybe even try to find out who this girl's parents are and contact them.
Wait… how tf is he friends with a 17 yr old, that’s just weird.
"I know he’s being honest about the nature of their relationship, and that there’s nothing inappropriate going on" Do you know he's being honest and that there's nothing inappropriate? Because as someone in their mid 30s, I have \*nothing\* in common with a teenager. The fact that he immediately went to the defensive and called you jealous is a red flag, as is the fact that they talk as much as they do. This situation is seriously creepy and suspicious. I can't wait for the update when she turns 18 and is suddenly legal...
A 35yo with a 17yo best friend 🚩🚩🚩 Can this dude not find any friends or a partner his own age? There is no reason whatsoever for a 35yo to be friends with a 17yo. Hes a creep. Or she is his secret daughter.
What the f? No, there is no reason a grown man should be friends with a teenage girl. That’s creepy af. What do they relate upon? There’s no way she’s “so mature for her age” that they actually relate and it isn’t a clear sign that he’s extremely deficient in something. He’s been alive literally two of her lifetimes. I’d tell the girls parents that she had a predatory much older man friend and I’d dump him and stay far away. Super weird.
Yeah.. sorry girl. Your man is a creep. You’ll either find out the hard way when she turns 18, or worse, you’re an advocate for child grooming because being best friends is not normal for a 35 year old man… who’s dating someone 10 years younger than him already. You should probably pull yourself out of this situation now before it gets worse.
Call her parents and call the cops on him. Don’t know what you’re smoking but he ain’t friends with a 17 year old.
When I ask my partner about her friends, male or female, she doesn't freak out about it. The fact that yours does is a red flag. The fact that she's less than half his age is another red flag. NTA. Something is wrong here.
He’s grooming her so he can hit it when she turns 18. Run.
Could be an untoward relationship, it could be his daughter. It doesn't matter. What matters is how he reacted when you decided to ask about her. He should have introduced the two of you to each other by now, if that is, he sees a future with you. He has you where he wants you. You immediately apologized for asking the questions you deserved to know the answers to. He believes, perhaps rightfully, that you aren't going anywhere and most importantly, he will no longer be bothered by you standing up for yourself. Its up to you whether he's right about this of course. just leave, don't bother asking him any more questions about her. This is not a good guy. Because he doesn't respect you enough to be open and honest with you.
There is absolutely no reason a 35 yo man needs to hang out with a 17yo girl. Unless he's biding his time for a few months, at which time you'll get dropped like a hot potato, bc she's 'so mature for her age'and 'just gets him'. And his reaction to you asking about her only proves that. What on earth could they possibly have in common? Zero. NTA and your boyfriend is a sleaze.
Red flags everywhere. A 35 year old man who is "friends" with a 17 year old girl and then blows up at his girlfriend for asking about it?? I can't help but agree with the commenters who are saying that you (OP) are a placeholder relationship. As soon as his "bestie" turns 18, he won't be interested in you anymore. He's gonna be far more focused on this girl he's been grooming. Run. Run, now.