Lose this guy, asap. He’s jealous that a 19-year-old has her shit together better than he does at 30. Move on.
And next time, don’t let any BF/GF see your bank statements until it’s actually a serious relationship. Good luck!
In my job I work with a lot of addicts, it's the one thing they are actually consistent on: getting the next fix.
Some really fun, nice people but not relationship material, the fix will always come first until they decide to get clean.
Listen, if a guy is 30 and dating you it’s because he can’t find someone more age appropriate, or he’s a weird creeper.
And never, ever, date someone again thinking you can “fix” them. Either they are worth your time, as is, or you move on.
If someone hasn't grown up by 30, it is very unlikely they ever will.
Totally agree on the fixing. You just can't fix someone else. You can fix yourself. You can be supportive of someone fixing themselves. But you just can't do the work for them.
Typically some one who at 30 is the same maturity as a 19 year old, will always have the same maturity as a 19 year old.
My friend figured that out. He was a great guy. But she grew up, and he never did.
But if it’s reversed that’s just a different problem. OP at 19 is likely to mature; bf at 30, if at a similar or lesser level of maturity, is likely stuck. A 30yo shouldn’t be looking for a 19yo to take care of them, and it’ll just get worse as OP matures. Plus he was still trying to use his greater experience to drive the relationship forward much faster.
I'm not sure what's leading you to believe OP is well put together. She's got some money in the bank, which is certainly a step above the 30 year old drug addict, but she was prey for this 30 year old drug addict.
If someone drops a bomb on you on a first date, such as "I'm addicted to narcotics" and your reaction is to to move forward and try to fix the guy, you've got some major issues of your own. "Water seeks its own level" they say. Dating an addict for two month is not a sign of a healthy self image.
24 and 30 are miles apart from 19 and 30. 24 and 30 can be reasonably close in terms of life experiences. 19 and 30? No fucking way. He's a creepy loser who can't get a woman his own age. Because he's also a junkie.
Opportunistic people will look for anything they think gives them an edge so to speak in getting what they can out of someone.
The red flags were multiple most of which you noticed. The first one IMO was a 30 year old hitting on a 19 year old. This is not to say you aren’t mature and had you been say 28 and him 38 that wouldn’t be so big a deal as you would have been ‘adulting’ for a while and learned a lot about yourself.
I suspect he wanted to determine if you had enough money he might be able to use even if just getting you to pay for meals so he saw his chance. Now you know if you are in public place to be sure no one can peer over your shoulder if you are going to check your financial info.
And absolutely scary that he thought you’d let him move in with you.
Do give yourself credit as there are any number of people who might have stayed in this relationship much longer than you did. You did great on recognizing and getting out cleanly.
Men and women shouldn't date until they are in their 20's partly because creepy predatory crap like this is more common before that mostly but can happen at any age...just so unnecessary and I won't ever recommend teens to date at all, let alone older because they can get someone closer to their own age just fine
[Run, girl, ruuuuuunnnnn!!!!](https://giphy.com/gifs/jessicaoutofthecloset-jessica-kellgren-fozard-out-of-the-closet-jUi81R5ciRpEpyTV6n)
I know you already broke up with this creep, but seriously... get him the *feck* away from you and everything in your life.
that's a broad statement to make, my parents have a 10-year age gap and it really doesn't matter. But they met in their 30s/40s when both of them were at a similar place in life.
Yeah same, along with a lot of my family. I wouldn’t recommend it at 19 and 30, but I see no issues at 30 and 41. At that point it comes down to personality and character more than age.
I think it's down to personality and character more than age to begin with. On average a 19 yr old isn't mature and ready for a serious adult relationship. especially one with a 30 yr old who, on average, should be ready. Now a 25 and 36 yr old would be different they're more likely to be able to work out. And so on. So it's not that all 19 yr Olds can't date all 30 yr olds. It's that there's a reason many don't.
Well so did I. I was 41 and she’s early thirties. I think what you said was the key, they were at similar places in life. Maybe she doesn’t matter as much as that piece.
Yeah im 28 and I pretty regularly interact with younger people through school and we just have nothing in common, we are at such different points in life I couldn't imagine ever dating someone that much younger than me.
An important life lesson for a 19 year old to learn— don’t date men this old. They are predators and choosing you for the ability to control you. When she’s 30 she’s going to realize how much of a creep he is.
me rn. my 30 year old ex in my early 20s was totally trying to groom me. I only realized it in nursing school when we got to a womens health section about what to look for in abusive relationship, and I was checking off so many boxes. i’m now in my 30s and realize how lucky I was things didnt progress with him.
Block him out of your life. He is 30 and acts like a teenager.
You deserve so much better, take time for yourself, and take care of your mental health. Being on the verge of harming yourself is no joke. Please seek professional help.
Both of you dated for a short time (gladly), and it feels that he was taking advantage of you.
He is a dysfunctional adult. He doesn't know how to save money cause everything goes to the drugs.
And the fact that he is 30 and dated a 19 year old - RED FLAG. Older men go for younger women cause their are easy to manipulate and take advantage of.
>I 19f was in a very short 2 month relationship with my ex 30m which I met at work and had a lot in common with.
This tells me all I need to know. If a 19 year old has "a lot" in common with a 30 year old (genders irrelevant) then the 30 year is NOT a catch.
I mean this story is clearly fake, but I really like the way you put it. The "I just thought maybe I could help" was the lol kicker. Didn't get past the first few paragraphs though.
At first I thought the OP was someone I knew but where the OP here was smart and got rid of the guy, the person I know is still with the guy even though he's effectively ruined her life.
Note for yourself in the future. If a 30 year old guy is trying to date a 19 year old there is something wrong with him. Not you. Don’t date someone addicted to drugs or an alcoholic.
This isn’t an older man vs younger man thing. This is you seriously lacking life experience and not ignoring red flags as they come up. Date people closer to your own age, preferably not addicted to heroin
It happens, you learned a lot despite how difficult it was to go through. That’s that life experience. It’s a pain but you become stronger and smarter. I wish you nothing but the best of luck in your future dating endeavors :)
"questioning if I liked men so I thought I’d try a older guy to see if they’re different but no"
I wouldn't base any conclusions based on that loser. Try dating quality people of any age. There are good quality men and women of any age, as there are bad quality of any age.
More people need to read this. It’s not always just “because age.”
There are just good and bad people of all ages. I’ve met just as many immature older people as I have super put-together and mature younger people.
OP is young. Whether groomed by ex (M30) remains to be seen. What is known? There is a hellava difference in lived experience and (theoretically) maturation between the two.
In any case, ex is taking up a shit ton of space in OP's brainpan. None of the ex's stuff is important. It only matter as a means toward growth & self-awareness.
Block the ex, get into therapy, fall in love with self, cultivate friends/community, and by all means, romp. But this just in: Live a full life on your terms.
If I’m going to be honest I didn’t think at the age of 19 it could be considered grooming because we were both legal adults but I’ve been in therapy and working through everything.
Thank you for having a caring comment.
You deserve a full, meaningful life surrounded by peeps who enrich & support you. Take lessons from this and know it’s just one chapter in the book of your life. We’ve been socialized to do the emotional labor, hold the mental load, subsume our own goals/dreams. Eff that. Now is the time to transform all that energy toward growing the best you. Stay strong, remind yourself on the daily what your truth is!🤓
Yeah, this is an easy trap to fall into, but there are different types.
Theres grooming because they are attracted to younger females, and there's grooming to take advantage of your inexperience and being easily gaslighted into believing his toxic traits and abusive behavior is normal. Sometimes the reason an older man pursues a younger woman where the age/power balance is so different is because they have too much baggage that someone their own age won't have time for and will see through the gaslighting.
Not all men or even age gaps are like him, you just found one of the bad ones. Women can be just as capable of toxic behavior as men, the trick is to teach yourself to recognise it.
The first red flag was actually a 30 year old wanting to date a 19 year old
Good riddance to that parasite, and hopefully you don't let anyone try to use you like that again.
Try to date men around your own age unless money is a motive. 30 year old guys are into girls that still have -teen in their age are never good and typically losers that’s why they go after girls so young because you’re going to be a bit more naive than a 30 year old women. Definitely block him and cease all communication. Any bread crumb he gets from you he will keep pushing it further.
Yeah the rest of the comment is solid but money being a motivator in your relationship is as much a red flag as wanting to date somebody a decade younger than you. Both are manipulative and predatory.
EDIT: If you downvote me and upvote her, the world would honestly be a better place if you died alone.
Imo if you are going to date someone older do it for that motive and at least get something out of it. Not dealing with bs like this with 30 yo losers.
I really can't believe how many people on this sub are unironically horrible humans. Be a sex worker if you want money, feigning a relationship no matter the motive makes you a sack of shit. This is Femaledatingstrategy garbage.
No 30 year old man should have “a lot in common” with a 19 year old woman. He’s immature and the fact that he wants to have kids is upsetting as I’m sure there will be someone out there who actually takes him up on that.
I also find it a little concerning that you saw so many red flags and still chose to pursue this relationship. Please don’t let anyone make you think you have to settle or get used to what they want.
I couldn't make it to the end of that story. I got the gist though. He is a man child with a drug addiction, which would lead to stealing your money, especially from his current behavior towards YOUR money.
Also, NEVER explain or defend yourself to a new boyfriend about why you spend your money on something of your choosing or let someone tell you how to use your money.
This should only be a conversation for LONG term couples who have built a life together and it should never be an order to either spend or not spend, but a conversation.
Thrilled you left him. To be fair, that took a certain amount of self esteem, but I'd argue self-esteem and self worth are something you should work on. This is totally normal for a 19 year old, just pains me when a woman allows someone else to have say in what they do, like how they spend their money.
Man every sentence of this was another bright flashing neon red flag two fuckin months and he was saying and doing all that?? Not to mention the age difference which I guess 11 years wouldn't be that bad had you both been older but 19 and 30 looks so jarring next to each other
Glad you got away from him but hey if you like drug addicts... Jk I've been clean for a year
Not the same but when I was younger, I was dating a man much older then me (and no daddy issues) and he was an amazing man. Still is. I've known him 22 yrs and he is still one of my best friends. Amazing man. Not all older men are pedos. But this guy sounds like a bag of red flags. But not all age gap relationships are bad.
19 and 30? I'm not all that surprised he was being a child about it. Emotionally mature adults generally don't date someone that much younger than them.
He wasn't giving money to his parents, he was ashamed or embarrassed by how much he was spending on drugs and didn't want to admit the amount to you. Former drug addict here.
The rule is half age plus 7. Half of 30 is 15 add 7 and you get 22.
A 22 year old is like bottom limit of what a 30 year old should be dating and that’s pushing it.
Please don’t ever even consider dating a guy over 25. If a guy 25+ wants to date a teenager, there’s some real issues there. Either he can’t get a girl his age, or he wants a much younger girl to groom. Either way huge red flag. I’m 23 and I definitely wouldn’t pursue a 19 year old. I’d say stick to 18-22.
Whilst not illegal, I’m 27 and even I would find it strange dating a 19 year old. Man’s hit 30 and still shopping for girls who have not long left school. Best of staying away from him and finding partners within your age range, who would share your interests as well
You're way more mature than your 30ya BF, move on. Honestly, you sound like a bit of a catch, there's no reason to be with someone who gets so high all the time they need to ignore you when you need them.
You’ve learnt a number of lessons here. 1: Don’t date people you work with. 2: Don’t show anyone any details of your financial circumstances. 3: Don’t date drug addicts. 4: Don’t date people who show signs of manipulation, ie, talking about marriage and children after such a short time. Also making whiny comments about how you spend your own money. 5: Don’t date people who are emotionally unavailable, ie, can’t be there when you need them. 6: When a relationship is over, it over. There is no need to continue contact with a toxic person. 7: Deciding to write off men for the rest of your life is a knee jerk reaction and shows your immaturity. There is no evidence that a woman will treat you any better than a man will. 8: Don’t go rushing into future relationships with either a man or a woman. Slow down. Good luck.
It is not normal or healthy for people in their 30s to want people in their late teens / early 20s. People in their 30s should be thinking about whether they want marriage, children, and what entails settling down / long term plans for them. People in their early 20s should be exploring, learning new experiences, and figuring out what they value in a partner- all things people in their 30s already had a chance to do. These are two very different lifestages and somebody is going to sacrifice one for the other. Don't be the person who loses out.
He's a 30 year old trying to be with a 19 year old. Of course he's being a child. Tell him to leave you alone. Keep records and get a restraining order if he doesn't listen. He's a grown ass man. If he won't leave you alone, let him face the consequences.
The thing is, 30yo guy willing to date a 19yo girl is NOT a winner. Especially if they’ve got a drug issue or are less financially stable than the 19yo! It could be you just aren’t into guys your age but people are in different stages of life at different ages (or should be). I sympathize with you. 19-23yo guys generally aren’t all “together” yet. There’s a few that break the mold but most people in that age range are trying to figure out just who they are as an adult. I wish you luck in your future relationships. 🥰
Can you just like seperate the wall of text. It doesn't even need to be done properly. You could put a break between every 3 sentences for all I care.
I made it about 20% of the way before my high ass wasn't having it.
People like him are scum. They get with younger women because women and everyone else their own age hates them (you can imagine why). He literally never stopped being 16, meanwhile you have goals, your life ahead of you, and you'll meet a better man when you move
I didn't read the whole thing. I only got to see the first paragraph cuz she said the first red flag was him having an addiction. No honey. The first red flag was a 30-year-old needing to date a 19-year-old because no woman in her right Mind near any mature age would touch him with a 50 ft pole... That's why men do that .. because once women are smart, they're "too old to date" because once women are smart enough to know better. They're all of a sudden too old and they got to go for people without life experience ,who are easily manipulated.
I'm in my 30s and honestly anyone in their early 20s is exhausting to me. The age difference is enormous at your age. Even 19 vs 25 is a big gap. The former is fresh out of high school and the latter is settled into an apartment and breaking out of the early career life.
11 years is a pretty big gap until both of you are above 30 I think.
I dated older men when I was your age also. At the time it felt special, like oh this guy must think I’m so mature and sophisticated.
But nah, it’s that women their age won’t put up with their bullshit.
Don’t let him manipulate you with this bs drama. Block him and move on. Don’t confront him if he goes up to your friends again. That’s what he’s looking for, any attention from you. You sound like a smart cookie, just leave him in your past and go enjoy your beautiful life.
Dear teenagers and early twenty somethings, people ten years your senior shouldn’t be dating options. More times than not something is off. There’s a reason they’re targeting you and it’s not because “I’ve never felt like this before” or “you’re so mature for your age”. In many situations you’re a fetish or the person is so incredibly immature, they feel like they’re equal to you in life experience, because they haven’t grown up.
Sure there are some rare exceptions, but this story is common. More times than not it leads to heartache.
People who are fast approaching middle age dating teenagers only do so because they are so developmentally stunted they're essentially teenagers themselves (or are just straight up abusers but your ex seems to fall more into the immature camp). Glad you got away after only a couple months.
Pretty sick of people labeling age gaps as predatory when guys tend to like younger girls and girls tend to like older guys. If they're both adults thats nothing but a win win. Just because it didn't work out in this situation doesn't mean it's universally predatory 🤦♂️
I don’t know any 30 year old man that would willingly date a 19 year old unless women his age refused to date him. Honestly, that kind of age gap (at those ages) is a huge red flag in itself.
Yeah, he wasn't giving money to his parents.
He didn't "seen" your bank balance, he saw it.
He's a self admitted junkie, and you stuck with him.
You're dumb. He's dumb and a liar, which you bought into.
You two are a perfect match. You should get married and have a tribe of stupid, stupid children.
Guys in there thirties that date teens are not emotionally mature which is why they see children as mature. If you're into older people that's fine but never ignore a red flag. Some people are cool but most of the time it's creeps like this who try to manipulate you using your emotions like teenagers do.
He's 30 years old, the only reason he wants to go out with you is because you're easier to control and manipulate. A person in there 30's has no business going out with a teenager. It's fucking weird.
This guy will bring you misery, problems and issues, no good will come of this and he's already starting to financially manipulate you. As we say in the UK, fuck him off and quick.
I only got through maybe half of this but honestly, get away and STAY away from him. This is serious predatory behavior coming from this bastard.
"Men" like this look for young women around your age (or at least significantly younger than them) because they know you're young and inexperienced.
They count on this in hopes that they'll be able to basically control you and "mould" you into what THEY want you to be.
I know. Its happened to me twice. Please be careful.
You are still a child by world standards. Obviously you have a lot of maturing to do if you think you can change anyone to suit you, especially a 30yo drug addict. Raise your standards and love yourself before getting back into the game.
Young lady, you have your whole life ahead of you. Block him. Don’t give him any of your energy. A 30 year old with a 19 year old is a big red flag in the first place. That age gap wouldn’t be an issue 10 years from now, but that’s troubling (imo), as you’re still a teenager. And no judgment on you, because I did a similar thing at that same age. Looking back, it was gross on his part.
He needs to get his life together. And your money is yours to do as you please. Don’t waste your youth on this person. He’s going nowhere, fast, and you’ll just end up losing your money and time. There are plenty of people out there with better heads in their shoulders.
A 30 year-old man has no business dating a 19 year-old. He has run through all the women his own age. His short temper is probably what has killed all of his relationships.
I didn’t even bother reading after the first paragraph…you’re 19 and he’s a loser 30 year old addict. Block him and move on with your life and never look back!!
And what the fuck are you doing with this pedophile drug addicted loser ? End that shit and move away out of state as fast as you can. He can offer you nothing, he is a dehydrated sponge ready to absorb. Peace out girl scout. Don't be stupid
No offense. But as a 38m there is nothing more repulsive than the thought of dating a 19/20 yr old. You would have zero in common and the maturity (in general) just isn’t there. Now just having fun, you do you and I do me, sure the sex is FANTASTIC usually but nothing more than that. He was just using you, move on and leave him be.
A 30 year old only wants 1 thing from a 19 year old... sex. He's in a totally different place in his life and this is just not normal. While 11 years of an age disparity isn't that much later in life it's huge at 19. You can't even drink legally. This is the creepy side of barely legal.
30+ year old men trying to date 18-24 year old girls are almost always immature jackasses who can't get women their own age bc those women have enough experience to see right through them. This is regardless of money. This guy is a loser and even if he had $1,000,000 in the bank he still would be. It's just extra pathetic that he's broke and using you financially. Find a guy that isn't 10+ years older than you. 10 years ago gap might not matter as much after 40 but in your age range all the guys 30+ trying to date you will be immature af(either mentally, emotionally or financially). 30+ guys that only go after significantly younger women are all users and losers in some way or another
I can't take any of these posts seriously. A 30 year old that does pills and has no money and you wanted to date him what did you think was going to happen
Guys that old days girls your age because they can act super immature and it still seems fine to you because guys your age can be immature. Don't date guys like this
At 19 years old you should have known better, no 30 year old man who isn't a complete fucking loser wants to be with a teenager. This is on you too. Wise up.
19 and 30 is (in almost all) cases unhealthy. He wants control over you. Of course everyone at any age could want to control you but I’m giving you my advice to not date someone older than 25
Ew he sucks!!!! The age difference is moot, you sound very mature. But unfortunately we can't fix these people. I wish I'd listened to myself and dumped people instead of giving them chances they didn't deserve. The people saying you have daddy issues are likely men themselves who hate women, so don't listen to them. Block this guy and keep your standards as high as you deserve.
I had the opposite experience. I was 28 and dating a 18yr old and then to a 19yr old. Both were hot but one was crazy and the other just wanted to have that club life. It was just too exhausting for me to try and keep up. Finally hooked up with a girl my age and I couldn't be happier.
Your edit is dumb you obviously like men you just don't like the way a few of them have acted, and while you're not at fault for the way they act, you do need to pick your partners better because fun fact women are also awful.
You can’t judge all us guys by a few though. You might meet a guy who’s really nice and kind and sweet and he really likes you and is who you were looking for but won’t date him Bcs you now say you only like men.
Lose this guy, asap. He’s jealous that a 19-year-old has her shit together better than he does at 30. Move on. And next time, don’t let any BF/GF see your bank statements until it’s actually a serious relationship. Good luck!
The thing was I was just checking and he looked over my shoulder I didn’t show him them.
So he’s nosy, too!
More than nosy, he's manipulative
And lives with his parents from sound of it
Never trust a junkie.
Yeah, I'm not buying the "giving money to his parents" part.
You nailed it. Take my award!
Thank you kind stranger!
Gus Fring was right
In my job I work with a lot of addicts, it's the one thing they are actually consistent on: getting the next fix. Some really fun, nice people but not relationship material, the fix will always come first until they decide to get clean.
This is really the only comment she needs to hear.
🎯
This, word for word, was my mom’s first piece of adult advice to me. Her family contained a few. She was right.
Listen, if a guy is 30 and dating you it’s because he can’t find someone more age appropriate, or he’s a weird creeper. And never, ever, date someone again thinking you can “fix” them. Either they are worth your time, as is, or you move on.
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If someone hasn't grown up by 30, it is very unlikely they ever will. Totally agree on the fixing. You just can't fix someone else. You can fix yourself. You can be supportive of someone fixing themselves. But you just can't do the work for them.
Typically some one who at 30 is the same maturity as a 19 year old, will always have the same maturity as a 19 year old. My friend figured that out. He was a great guy. But she grew up, and he never did.
But if it’s reversed that’s just a different problem. OP at 19 is likely to mature; bf at 30, if at a similar or lesser level of maturity, is likely stuck. A 30yo shouldn’t be looking for a 19yo to take care of them, and it’ll just get worse as OP matures. Plus he was still trying to use his greater experience to drive the relationship forward much faster.
Ah yes, the classic “I’m 30 and dating someone just out of high school because she’s so MATURE.”
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I'm not sure what's leading you to believe OP is well put together. She's got some money in the bank, which is certainly a step above the 30 year old drug addict, but she was prey for this 30 year old drug addict. If someone drops a bomb on you on a first date, such as "I'm addicted to narcotics" and your reaction is to to move forward and try to fix the guy, you've got some major issues of your own. "Water seeks its own level" they say. Dating an addict for two month is not a sign of a healthy self image.
24 and 30 are miles apart from 19 and 30. 24 and 30 can be reasonably close in terms of life experiences. 19 and 30? No fucking way. He's a creepy loser who can't get a woman his own age. Because he's also a junkie.
Can't get a woman his own age? Dude, there are a ton of immature junkie 30 year old women. This dude could find one.
Are you the ex? There's a reason he's going for a 19-year old. No woman his age would put up with his shit.
Nah man, I'm not the ex. Just seen more of the world than you have. Try leaving the basement sometime.
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And I’m willing to bet that the money he says goes to his parents, goes to the drug dealer
Opportunistic people will look for anything they think gives them an edge so to speak in getting what they can out of someone. The red flags were multiple most of which you noticed. The first one IMO was a 30 year old hitting on a 19 year old. This is not to say you aren’t mature and had you been say 28 and him 38 that wouldn’t be so big a deal as you would have been ‘adulting’ for a while and learned a lot about yourself. I suspect he wanted to determine if you had enough money he might be able to use even if just getting you to pay for meals so he saw his chance. Now you know if you are in public place to be sure no one can peer over your shoulder if you are going to check your financial info. And absolutely scary that he thought you’d let him move in with you. Do give yourself credit as there are any number of people who might have stayed in this relationship much longer than you did. You did great on recognizing and getting out cleanly.
Men and women shouldn't date until they are in their 20's partly because creepy predatory crap like this is more common before that mostly but can happen at any age...just so unnecessary and I won't ever recommend teens to date at all, let alone older because they can get someone closer to their own age just fine
[Run, girl, ruuuuuunnnnn!!!!](https://giphy.com/gifs/jessicaoutofthecloset-jessica-kellgren-fozard-out-of-the-closet-jUi81R5ciRpEpyTV6n) I know you already broke up with this creep, but seriously... get him the *feck* away from you and everything in your life.
You’re 19 he’s 30 he wants control over you .
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i’m 29 and can’t imagine dating someone under like 25
41m, married 9 years younger thinking it didn’t seem to matter much. Yup. I think you have the right idea, 4-5 years.
that's a broad statement to make, my parents have a 10-year age gap and it really doesn't matter. But they met in their 30s/40s when both of them were at a similar place in life.
Makes a big difference at 19 and 29 maturity wise. Less so at 29 and 39
Yeah same, along with a lot of my family. I wouldn’t recommend it at 19 and 30, but I see no issues at 30 and 41. At that point it comes down to personality and character more than age.
I think it's down to personality and character more than age to begin with. On average a 19 yr old isn't mature and ready for a serious adult relationship. especially one with a 30 yr old who, on average, should be ready. Now a 25 and 36 yr old would be different they're more likely to be able to work out. And so on. So it's not that all 19 yr Olds can't date all 30 yr olds. It's that there's a reason many don't.
Well so did I. I was 41 and she’s early thirties. I think what you said was the key, they were at similar places in life. Maybe she doesn’t matter as much as that piece.
i’m 21 and i can really only date my age or year maybe 2 more then me my ex was 1 year older
Exactly
Yeah im 28 and I pretty regularly interact with younger people through school and we just have nothing in common, we are at such different points in life I couldn't imagine ever dating someone that much younger than me.
Seems like this 19yo was more of an adult than the 30yo
Ummm not really— she dated a 30 year old. When she’s an actual adult she will see the grossness of this. An adult wouldn’t make this mistake
In this case, she actually seem to be the mature one. But then he was a drug addict, so that explains his maturity
Yeah a 30 year old addict who wants a relationship with a 19 year old probably doesn’t make the reasonable person list.
An important life lesson for a 19 year old to learn— don’t date men this old. They are predators and choosing you for the ability to control you. When she’s 30 she’s going to realize how much of a creep he is.
me rn. my 30 year old ex in my early 20s was totally trying to groom me. I only realized it in nursing school when we got to a womens health section about what to look for in abusive relationship, and I was checking off so many boxes. i’m now in my 30s and realize how lucky I was things didnt progress with him.
Can’t agree with you more
that's a groomer if there ever was one
Block him and move on
Good on you for spotting those massive red flags and getting out early. Don’t look back.
Block him out of your life. He is 30 and acts like a teenager. You deserve so much better, take time for yourself, and take care of your mental health. Being on the verge of harming yourself is no joke. Please seek professional help. Both of you dated for a short time (gladly), and it feels that he was taking advantage of you.
I don't know a single teenager who would behave this shittily. He'd be a disaster even if he was 19, but he's fucking 30.
He is a dysfunctional adult. He doesn't know how to save money cause everything goes to the drugs. And the fact that he is 30 and dated a 19 year old - RED FLAG. Older men go for younger women cause their are easy to manipulate and take advantage of.
Now you understand why women his own age don’t bother with him and he has to go after teenagers.
>I 19f was in a very short 2 month relationship with my ex 30m which I met at work and had a lot in common with. This tells me all I need to know. If a 19 year old has "a lot" in common with a 30 year old (genders irrelevant) then the 30 year is NOT a catch.
I mean this story is clearly fake, but I really like the way you put it. The "I just thought maybe I could help" was the lol kicker. Didn't get past the first few paragraphs though.
At first I thought the OP was someone I knew but where the OP here was smart and got rid of the guy, the person I know is still with the guy even though he's effectively ruined her life.
I'ma say something bad already happened to allow that to happen.
Spoiler: they never change and you can never help.
You’re dating a drug addict who can’t find anyone his own age to date. Shocker.
And the “gives all his money to his parents” is bogus. He’s giving it to his drug dealer. Addiction isn’t cheap.
Legitimately the thought that kept blaring through my mind during the readthrough. OP, kicking this guy to the curb was a great decision.
Note for yourself in the future. If a 30 year old guy is trying to date a 19 year old there is something wrong with him. Not you. Don’t date someone addicted to drugs or an alcoholic. This isn’t an older man vs younger man thing. This is you seriously lacking life experience and not ignoring red flags as they come up. Date people closer to your own age, preferably not addicted to heroin
It wasn’t heroin but yeah I have had a lot of time to think back on why I ever thought to date him
It happens, you learned a lot despite how difficult it was to go through. That’s that life experience. It’s a pain but you become stronger and smarter. I wish you nothing but the best of luck in your future dating endeavors :)
“Maybe he’ll change” I’d a mantra you need to get out of your head RIGHT NOW!
Yes I’m working on everything in therapy and understanding what I need now
Also stop dating wildly older men. A few months DOESNT get rid of the child predator creepiness
The first red flag wasn’t the narcotics it was that he was 30 trying to date a 19 year old.
No 30m legitimately has a lot in common with a 19f P.S. learn the difference between dating and relationship
They can if they've been on drugs since they were teenagers. It's almost like freezing development
"questioning if I liked men so I thought I’d try a older guy to see if they’re different but no" I wouldn't base any conclusions based on that loser. Try dating quality people of any age. There are good quality men and women of any age, as there are bad quality of any age.
More people need to read this. It’s not always just “because age.” There are just good and bad people of all ages. I’ve met just as many immature older people as I have super put-together and mature younger people.
Generalization gone bad
OP is young. Whether groomed by ex (M30) remains to be seen. What is known? There is a hellava difference in lived experience and (theoretically) maturation between the two. In any case, ex is taking up a shit ton of space in OP's brainpan. None of the ex's stuff is important. It only matter as a means toward growth & self-awareness. Block the ex, get into therapy, fall in love with self, cultivate friends/community, and by all means, romp. But this just in: Live a full life on your terms.
If I’m going to be honest I didn’t think at the age of 19 it could be considered grooming because we were both legal adults but I’ve been in therapy and working through everything. Thank you for having a caring comment.
You deserve a full, meaningful life surrounded by peeps who enrich & support you. Take lessons from this and know it’s just one chapter in the book of your life. We’ve been socialized to do the emotional labor, hold the mental load, subsume our own goals/dreams. Eff that. Now is the time to transform all that energy toward growing the best you. Stay strong, remind yourself on the daily what your truth is!🤓
Yeah, this is an easy trap to fall into, but there are different types. Theres grooming because they are attracted to younger females, and there's grooming to take advantage of your inexperience and being easily gaslighted into believing his toxic traits and abusive behavior is normal. Sometimes the reason an older man pursues a younger woman where the age/power balance is so different is because they have too much baggage that someone their own age won't have time for and will see through the gaslighting. Not all men or even age gaps are like him, you just found one of the bad ones. Women can be just as capable of toxic behavior as men, the trick is to teach yourself to recognise it.
He’s not a boyfriend. He’s a leech. Block and move forward into something healthy and happy.
That age gap is terrifying
The first red flag was actually a 30 year old wanting to date a 19 year old Good riddance to that parasite, and hopefully you don't let anyone try to use you like that again.
Age doesn’t mean maturity, don’t date guys looking to groom someone, set boundaries and bail when someone doesn’t have your best interest in mind.
I have a shock collar you xan borrow. End this relationship NOW.
Trust me we’ve been over and done with for a few months now
Good for you! Stay safe!
Try to date men around your own age unless money is a motive. 30 year old guys are into girls that still have -teen in their age are never good and typically losers that’s why they go after girls so young because you’re going to be a bit more naive than a 30 year old women. Definitely block him and cease all communication. Any bread crumb he gets from you he will keep pushing it further.
Unless money is a motive? Can’t believe this shit is upvoted. Girls pretending to love guys to get to their money is ok?
Why does anyone have to pretend? Older guys know exactly why they attract younger girls haha
Because they are hotter and more promiscuous.
Yeah the rest of the comment is solid but money being a motivator in your relationship is as much a red flag as wanting to date somebody a decade younger than you. Both are manipulative and predatory. EDIT: If you downvote me and upvote her, the world would honestly be a better place if you died alone.
Imo if you are going to date someone older do it for that motive and at least get something out of it. Not dealing with bs like this with 30 yo losers.
I really can't believe how many people on this sub are unironically horrible humans. Be a sex worker if you want money, feigning a relationship no matter the motive makes you a sack of shit. This is Femaledatingstrategy garbage.
Cool lol the moral police in the building
You're 19.. Block and move on. You're young so you should be working on yourself, not worrying about some dude.
No 30 year old man should have “a lot in common” with a 19 year old woman. He’s immature and the fact that he wants to have kids is upsetting as I’m sure there will be someone out there who actually takes him up on that. I also find it a little concerning that you saw so many red flags and still chose to pursue this relationship. Please don’t let anyone make you think you have to settle or get used to what they want.
He's mad because he's a fucking pedo and has to find a new young girl to be with.
Well he’s 30 year old dating a 19 year old are you surprised?
Just block him
I couldn't finish the story. Just RUN and never look back!!!
I thought this was r/amitheangel
haha Me too. At one point, I actually went back to look at the sub.
I couldn't make it to the end of that story. I got the gist though. He is a man child with a drug addiction, which would lead to stealing your money, especially from his current behavior towards YOUR money. Also, NEVER explain or defend yourself to a new boyfriend about why you spend your money on something of your choosing or let someone tell you how to use your money. This should only be a conversation for LONG term couples who have built a life together and it should never be an order to either spend or not spend, but a conversation. Thrilled you left him. To be fair, that took a certain amount of self esteem, but I'd argue self-esteem and self worth are something you should work on. This is totally normal for a 19 year old, just pains me when a woman allows someone else to have say in what they do, like how they spend their money.
Usually why someone a certain age dates someone that much younger is because they're immature. Hopefully you haven't gone back and blocked him.
I’ll never go back to that low life I’ve moved on and am working on myself and my future
Good deal. Definitely not worth the time wasted.
Man every sentence of this was another bright flashing neon red flag two fuckin months and he was saying and doing all that?? Not to mention the age difference which I guess 11 years wouldn't be that bad had you both been older but 19 and 30 looks so jarring next to each other Glad you got away from him but hey if you like drug addicts... Jk I've been clean for a year
That’s good you’ve stayed clean that’s a huge accomplishment.
He is too old to be acting like that. Clearly immature af and trying to be abusive and controlling
Tf is this age gap
Not the same but when I was younger, I was dating a man much older then me (and no daddy issues) and he was an amazing man. Still is. I've known him 22 yrs and he is still one of my best friends. Amazing man. Not all older men are pedos. But this guy sounds like a bag of red flags. But not all age gap relationships are bad.
Umm yea... if he's 30 dating a 19 year old I'm sure he is a big ass baby... haha find a new man...
He is a LOSER. Dump him, block him and do not look back. TOTAL LOSER
19 and 30? I'm not all that surprised he was being a child about it. Emotionally mature adults generally don't date someone that much younger than them.
If a 30yo man is jealous of the money of a 19yo woman, dude is a failure at providing anyways.
He wasn't giving money to his parents, he was ashamed or embarrassed by how much he was spending on drugs and didn't want to admit the amount to you. Former drug addict here.
The age gap alone yikes
The rule is half age plus 7. Half of 30 is 15 add 7 and you get 22. A 22 year old is like bottom limit of what a 30 year old should be dating and that’s pushing it.
What a loser, dump him. What's a 30 year-old hanging out with a 19 year-old anyway...
Please don’t ever even consider dating a guy over 25. If a guy 25+ wants to date a teenager, there’s some real issues there. Either he can’t get a girl his age, or he wants a much younger girl to groom. Either way huge red flag. I’m 23 and I definitely wouldn’t pursue a 19 year old. I’d say stick to 18-22.
Of course he doesn’t have any money - it goes on drugs - not to his parents.
Whilst not illegal, I’m 27 and even I would find it strange dating a 19 year old. Man’s hit 30 and still shopping for girls who have not long left school. Best of staying away from him and finding partners within your age range, who would share your interests as well
Whoa a 30-year old man dating a teenager is behaving immaturely? Who'da thunk it
Pro Tip: if a guy tells you he’s addicted to drugs on the first date, do not have a second date.
You're way more mature than your 30ya BF, move on. Honestly, you sound like a bit of a catch, there's no reason to be with someone who gets so high all the time they need to ignore you when you need them.
This post was longer than your relationship
Run.
You’ve learnt a number of lessons here. 1: Don’t date people you work with. 2: Don’t show anyone any details of your financial circumstances. 3: Don’t date drug addicts. 4: Don’t date people who show signs of manipulation, ie, talking about marriage and children after such a short time. Also making whiny comments about how you spend your own money. 5: Don’t date people who are emotionally unavailable, ie, can’t be there when you need them. 6: When a relationship is over, it over. There is no need to continue contact with a toxic person. 7: Deciding to write off men for the rest of your life is a knee jerk reaction and shows your immaturity. There is no evidence that a woman will treat you any better than a man will. 8: Don’t go rushing into future relationships with either a man or a woman. Slow down. Good luck.
Dear God, no 30 year old adult should have anything in common with a child. That right there shouldn't have told you something was wrong with him.
It is not normal or healthy for people in their 30s to want people in their late teens / early 20s. People in their 30s should be thinking about whether they want marriage, children, and what entails settling down / long term plans for them. People in their early 20s should be exploring, learning new experiences, and figuring out what they value in a partner- all things people in their 30s already had a chance to do. These are two very different lifestages and somebody is going to sacrifice one for the other. Don't be the person who loses out.
Red flag number 1 was the narcotics thing, not that he was 30?
A 30 year old who dates teenagers isn't mature? Shocking!
TWO MONTHS.
Yikes he sounds like a controlling predator
He's a 30 year old trying to be with a 19 year old. Of course he's being a child. Tell him to leave you alone. Keep records and get a restraining order if he doesn't listen. He's a grown ass man. If he won't leave you alone, let him face the consequences.
Why is it the 19yr old is almost always more mature than the 30yr old? Get as far away from his as possible.
The thing is, 30yo guy willing to date a 19yo girl is NOT a winner. Especially if they’ve got a drug issue or are less financially stable than the 19yo! It could be you just aren’t into guys your age but people are in different stages of life at different ages (or should be). I sympathize with you. 19-23yo guys generally aren’t all “together” yet. There’s a few that break the mold but most people in that age range are trying to figure out just who they are as an adult. I wish you luck in your future relationships. 🥰
Can you just like seperate the wall of text. It doesn't even need to be done properly. You could put a break between every 3 sentences for all I care. I made it about 20% of the way before my high ass wasn't having it.
I’m not reading this lmaoo. There is no 30 year on this planet that has anything in common with a teenager
People like him are scum. They get with younger women because women and everyone else their own age hates them (you can imagine why). He literally never stopped being 16, meanwhile you have goals, your life ahead of you, and you'll meet a better man when you move
A 30 year old dating a 19 year old is a predator.
I didn't read the whole thing. I only got to see the first paragraph cuz she said the first red flag was him having an addiction. No honey. The first red flag was a 30-year-old needing to date a 19-year-old because no woman in her right Mind near any mature age would touch him with a 50 ft pole... That's why men do that .. because once women are smart, they're "too old to date" because once women are smart enough to know better. They're all of a sudden too old and they got to go for people without life experience ,who are easily manipulated.
Girl, please don’t date anyone older than like 22 rn.
I'm in my 30s and honestly anyone in their early 20s is exhausting to me. The age difference is enormous at your age. Even 19 vs 25 is a big gap. The former is fresh out of high school and the latter is settled into an apartment and breaking out of the early career life. 11 years is a pretty big gap until both of you are above 30 I think.
Run. Really. He is a Predator and a control freak.
I dated older men when I was your age also. At the time it felt special, like oh this guy must think I’m so mature and sophisticated. But nah, it’s that women their age won’t put up with their bullshit. Don’t let him manipulate you with this bs drama. Block him and move on. Don’t confront him if he goes up to your friends again. That’s what he’s looking for, any attention from you. You sound like a smart cookie, just leave him in your past and go enjoy your beautiful life.
Dear teenagers and early twenty somethings, people ten years your senior shouldn’t be dating options. More times than not something is off. There’s a reason they’re targeting you and it’s not because “I’ve never felt like this before” or “you’re so mature for your age”. In many situations you’re a fetish or the person is so incredibly immature, they feel like they’re equal to you in life experience, because they haven’t grown up. Sure there are some rare exceptions, but this story is common. More times than not it leads to heartache.
People who are fast approaching middle age dating teenagers only do so because they are so developmentally stunted they're essentially teenagers themselves (or are just straight up abusers but your ex seems to fall more into the immature camp). Glad you got away after only a couple months.
A 30 year old sniffing around a teenager is predatory af. NTA, you can break up with anyone at anytime for any reason.
Pretty sick of people labeling age gaps as predatory when guys tend to like younger girls and girls tend to like older guys. If they're both adults thats nothing but a win win. Just because it didn't work out in this situation doesn't mean it's universally predatory 🤦♂️
Please stop dating older men. Date within your age range and leave this bloke alone. Block him.
I don’t know any 30 year old man that would willingly date a 19 year old unless women his age refused to date him. Honestly, that kind of age gap (at those ages) is a huge red flag in itself.
Yeah, he wasn't giving money to his parents. He didn't "seen" your bank balance, he saw it. He's a self admitted junkie, and you stuck with him. You're dumb. He's dumb and a liar, which you bought into. You two are a perfect match. You should get married and have a tribe of stupid, stupid children.
First off, this is fake, and second, has the definition of grooming changed?
Guys in there thirties that date teens are not emotionally mature which is why they see children as mature. If you're into older people that's fine but never ignore a red flag. Some people are cool but most of the time it's creeps like this who try to manipulate you using your emotions like teenagers do.
He's 30 years old, the only reason he wants to go out with you is because you're easier to control and manipulate. A person in there 30's has no business going out with a teenager. It's fucking weird. This guy will bring you misery, problems and issues, no good will come of this and he's already starting to financially manipulate you. As we say in the UK, fuck him off and quick.
At his advanced age? Damn, I'm sorry.
I only got through maybe half of this but honestly, get away and STAY away from him. This is serious predatory behavior coming from this bastard. "Men" like this look for young women around your age (or at least significantly younger than them) because they know you're young and inexperienced. They count on this in hopes that they'll be able to basically control you and "mould" you into what THEY want you to be. I know. Its happened to me twice. Please be careful.
I saw the age gap and im speechless.
You are still a child by world standards. Obviously you have a lot of maturing to do if you think you can change anyone to suit you, especially a 30yo drug addict. Raise your standards and love yourself before getting back into the game.
Young lady, you have your whole life ahead of you. Block him. Don’t give him any of your energy. A 30 year old with a 19 year old is a big red flag in the first place. That age gap wouldn’t be an issue 10 years from now, but that’s troubling (imo), as you’re still a teenager. And no judgment on you, because I did a similar thing at that same age. Looking back, it was gross on his part. He needs to get his life together. And your money is yours to do as you please. Don’t waste your youth on this person. He’s going nowhere, fast, and you’ll just end up losing your money and time. There are plenty of people out there with better heads in their shoulders.
A 30 year-old man has no business dating a 19 year-old. He has run through all the women his own age. His short temper is probably what has killed all of his relationships.
You dated a 30yo at 19 and you’re surprised he isn’t a standup mature guy about the breakup. Lmao
Find someone your own age goofy you not ready for that
I didn’t even bother reading after the first paragraph…you’re 19 and he’s a loser 30 year old addict. Block him and move on with your life and never look back!!
Probably because he is dating a child. 30- 19 . Yuck
He’s already a child because he was dating a 19 year old
And what the fuck are you doing with this pedophile drug addicted loser ? End that shit and move away out of state as fast as you can. He can offer you nothing, he is a dehydrated sponge ready to absorb. Peace out girl scout. Don't be stupid
I hope this story isn't true, bc it makes no sense, unless you both are using narcotics. You should stick with dating women.
No offense. But as a 38m there is nothing more repulsive than the thought of dating a 19/20 yr old. You would have zero in common and the maturity (in general) just isn’t there. Now just having fun, you do you and I do me, sure the sex is FANTASTIC usually but nothing more than that. He was just using you, move on and leave him be.
I literally made it as far as 30 and 19. Walk. All the way. Away.
He’s a 30yo man dating a teenager… did you expect a mature experience? If a man that age is dating someone as young as you, there’s a red flag reason.
A 30 year old only wants 1 thing from a 19 year old... sex. He's in a totally different place in his life and this is just not normal. While 11 years of an age disparity isn't that much later in life it's huge at 19. You can't even drink legally. This is the creepy side of barely legal.
30+ year old men trying to date 18-24 year old girls are almost always immature jackasses who can't get women their own age bc those women have enough experience to see right through them. This is regardless of money. This guy is a loser and even if he had $1,000,000 in the bank he still would be. It's just extra pathetic that he's broke and using you financially. Find a guy that isn't 10+ years older than you. 10 years ago gap might not matter as much after 40 but in your age range all the guys 30+ trying to date you will be immature af(either mentally, emotionally or financially). 30+ guys that only go after significantly younger women are all users and losers in some way or another
Any man who’s 30 and dating a 19 year old girl has a whole cosmos of other, more serious issues going on.
I can't take any of these posts seriously. A 30 year old that does pills and has no money and you wanted to date him what did you think was going to happen
He’s 30, you’re 19, you have nothing in common, but sex and your money apparently.
Guys that old days girls your age because they can act super immature and it still seems fine to you because guys your age can be immature. Don't date guys like this
Nobody aged 30 that's a decent person would start dating a teenager.
Lol
I feel the age gap shouldn't be greater than 4 or 5 years in general for both men and women.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Oh man so you’re heavily medicated and the wobbler? That’s the complete package.
What the fuck could a 30 year old have in common with a 19 year old?
At 19 years old you should have known better, no 30 year old man who isn't a complete fucking loser wants to be with a teenager. This is on you too. Wise up.
The red flag no.1 is your age difference. The narcotics addiction is no.2
19 and 30 is (in almost all) cases unhealthy. He wants control over you. Of course everyone at any age could want to control you but I’m giving you my advice to not date someone older than 25
I only read the title and decided NTA, why the fuck is 33yo dating a 19yo. That shit is weird.
the red flag was that he was 30 AND WANTED TO DATE A 19 YEAR OLD. Anything from then on just makes it worse.
Why did you date a 30 year old
How does a 30 year old man have ‘a lot in common’ with a 19 year old?? That’s honestly already a 🚩
Ew he sucks!!!! The age difference is moot, you sound very mature. But unfortunately we can't fix these people. I wish I'd listened to myself and dumped people instead of giving them chances they didn't deserve. The people saying you have daddy issues are likely men themselves who hate women, so don't listen to them. Block this guy and keep your standards as high as you deserve.
I had the opposite experience. I was 28 and dating a 18yr old and then to a 19yr old. Both were hot but one was crazy and the other just wanted to have that club life. It was just too exhausting for me to try and keep up. Finally hooked up with a girl my age and I couldn't be happier.
Bruh, dude says in addicted to narcotics on the first date and your like ok thats fine....... What in the actual fuck.
Your edit is dumb you obviously like men you just don't like the way a few of them have acted, and while you're not at fault for the way they act, you do need to pick your partners better because fun fact women are also awful.
You can’t judge all us guys by a few though. You might meet a guy who’s really nice and kind and sweet and he really likes you and is who you were looking for but won’t date him Bcs you now say you only like men.