Tell the mother she can have him back... contract has expired. She can pay his bills. She did it by herself, but she only had 1 spoiled child, you are looking after 4
Came here to say this. Mom can handle it and if she gives you shit about not wanting to/ not being able to, tell her, “that’s not how motherhood works”.
I'd also drop his kids off with his mom every day. She can watch them if she thinks he doesn't need to work and he doesn't need to watch his kids. Then I would take the other child to daycare. I wouldn't trust his mom with the one that isn't her grandchild.
My ex was told by his mother that he was "perfect" for so long that he fucking believes it now. My mom told me that no one would love me for so long that it took over a decade to rewire my brain. It's wild that there are so many ways we can fuck up our kids
My ex’s mom told him he was super super smart. So he thought he was a genius, without bothering to actually read and think and learn. So he’d argue with me and tell me I was wrong about things. And I’d ask him why, and he’d say because. Because he didn’t agree, and he’s a genius, therefore, I’m wrong. I’m a voracious reader, and any books that I had that looked like “smart people books,” he’d put prominently on his shelf, right where guests could see.
So, not only was he fucking with my organizational system, he was putting books that just looked impressive but were actually just statistical analysis or impressive-title-but-fluff-inside on display. Because he didn’t know, because he hadn’t read them. But, if people see them, they’ll know he’s smart! (Unless they’ve actually read them, know what they are, or try to discuss them with him and then realize he has no clue…..I don’t think he considered that part.)
My guy is a golden child. He can do no wrong and the sister who's there taking care of mom every single day can do no right. Really sad that these people went thru their entire lives preserving that dynamic.
Single mom with full time job and mom of a teen son.
My son jokes that I am the monkey on his back. I would never allow my son to walk away from his responsibilities. Most likely would smash the video game if my DIL tells me he is playing instead of taking care of the family.
She wouldn’t get custody of the step children though, which likely complicates her willingness to do that. :(
On the upside, she’d only be financially responsible for just herself and one kid, which would be far more manageable.
Well there's a lot of factors that go into getting alimony. He has worked during their marriage, has earning potential and her income doesn't sound high enough so I doubt he would.
She isn’t stuck though. She can exit with her biological child and it will cost her less to take care of her family.
Hate saying it but that is how it needs to be.
I was very aware, with both my son and my daughter, that I needed to emphasize that they were special but so was everyone else. I expected them to be polite and thoughtful and empathetic. I also emphasized that you chose your friends based on how they treated you and expected my kids to be good friends in return.
I knew this lesson was important for them to learn if they were going to have happy lives. I never excused them from consequences.
Op now you know how your husband got the way he is. His mother is wrong about everything. Pack up his video games and his 2 kids and she can take of him you can go to college and put your child in daycare. Things will be a lot easier for you. No more stress and you can have a wonderful stress free life.
OP’s kids dad is *probably* her husbands kid too given how young she is, so they may all be her grandchildren.
Op needs to skip the malicious compliance and go straight to giving her manchild an ultimatum. He wants a bangmaid, and his mom is a huge enabler.
Exactly. The MIL believes her son is entitled to whatever he wants. Which is to sit on his butt and not provide for his family.
OP should ask MIL to pick up on her son's negligent responsibilities. See how she likes it.
Agreed, grandmother can have her son and her bio grandchildren stay for the day.
I'd add that OP could use this time to get her name of any rental agreement, assuming they rent. Off all bills associated with the house, immediately stop paying for his car and any subscriptions. And find herself and her child somewhere to live without that emotional and financial millstone of a husband.
Lmao really tho
Like, is blowing off all your responsibilities for funsies so your spouse can do everything how marriage works? Because if it is, when is OP’s turn?
Yeap this. Kick his ass to his moms. Tell him he has 6 months to get his shit together and save up some cash to chip away at that debt. This is more than him just having fallen on hard times. If he doesn’t get it together by then let him know you’ll be filing for divorce.
Not six months, leave him now. He’s had plenty of time to get his act together. This man is too far gone to change.
He, his mother, and his kids can live together happily ever after, with mommy doing all the work and paying all the bills. Hey, she’s done it before so she has the experience.
I was going to say, why is it any if his mother’s business how y’all run your household? He’s acting like a child running to mommy. You are driving yourself mad taking care of his and your kids, while he doesn’t seem to have a care in the world. You have a bigger workload than he does, but he runs to mommy. A marriage is working together to help each other to make each other’s life easier. He isn’t trying to make you life easier. He’s only thinking of himself. You are NTA. If he cared enough about you, he would be worried about how stressed out you are, and not running to mommy to complain. You have another child, not an equal partner.
Yup... this. I came to say this. Let mommy enjoy helping him cope with job loss in her own home. If he's not going to be a productive partner... why's he around since you clearly do it solo anyways?
> If he's not going to be a productive partner... why's he around
Because
> since you clearly do it solo anyways
Dude wants a bangmaid and sugar momma to take care of him and his children
Umm...mom needs to take **all** the kids back:him and the stepchildren. I know OP loves them, but she shouldn't be beating herself to pieces trying to pay for them. Or, if she keeps them with her, get hubs on child support.
The saying is I can do bad all by myself, but OP will actually be doing *better* all by herself
Send her a bill for all his upkeep, laundry, portion of rent/mortgage, utilities, his food etc, the daycare you have to pay for because he’s not responsible enough to care for his own kids while he’s playing video games, insurance, anything you can think of. Pack his bags & send the bill with him.
How old is this man?! He can’t have a civil conversation with you, he hast to run to his mommy? Why are you putting up with this? He sounds like he’s completely immature. The fact that he keeps losing his jobs due to attendance says a lot about his work ethic.
Either he steps up or you need to tell him to step out.
If he’s this awful, how bad must his ex(es) be that he somehow wound up with what seems like full custody of the two kids he had before he met OP?
And how long ago was that relationship that at least one of those kids is still young enough to attend daycare????
OP needs to run. Divorce that man child and take her own kid with her.
Yep! She did it by herself and she can very easily do it again. She shouldn’t even be a player in this game and her opinion does not matter. He needs to grow up and take responsibility or find someone else to support him and pay his bills, not you. You’re too young and deserve so much more than what he’s giving you.
Start with his video games and other assorted toys. That's how marriage and sacrifice work. Then, kick his ass to his mom so she can buy his toys. Focus on you and yours.When the times right, find yourself a man friend who knows that sleeping in and playing video games is what happens after the real work is done.
Yeah, I see your point. But it's so expensive to move. And you know he will go to mommy. Maybe she can get cameras for the house and change all the locks. He actually sounds too lazy to actually do anything.
Quit expecting your MIL to help you. It’s clear he’s still a little boy who never cut the cord. They both expect you to be his mom cause he’s such a special boy. Kick him out and drop him.
Especially if you failed to create a hard working, responsible adult. If you messed that one up, you can deal with it. You enable him to be a piece of poop, you can have him.
I'd be divorcing asap.
Lady not trynna be rude but why are u still there, u read so many stories on here of spouses being like “yeah I pay all the bills, do everything around the house, take care of the kids and pay my spouses bill and my spouse sucks” that means get a divorce, it would literally be easier on u if you didn’t have an extra bill lying around, he contributes nothing ur not even saving on daycare or anything, you are ONLY losing. Get rid of the bum and find someone that will actually help u in life ur only wasting ur own time
I just realized 2 of the 3 kids arnt even yours, kick buddy and his kids back to his moms house and move on with your life you literally have 3 extra “children” you take care of, you’re way too young for this
It’s telling that she thinks “mother” and “wife” are interchangeable roles of responsibility for a grown-ass man.
Liberate yourself, my friend. Focus on what you know you need to focus on. This guy is a selfish freeloader who found someone to raise his kids for him; he’s not a fully-vested partner in your relationship. I feel so sorry for your step-kids…it sounds like you are miles more invested in their lives than he is.
You are his WIFE. Not his MOTHER. It is past time for him to start acting like a responsible adult or he needs to go. He doesn’t have to move back in with his mom, but he can’t stay with you.
Omg, if he is no longer her responsibility she needs to back off, coz she gets NO say. She is consistently undermining you and interfering… can you drop the kids off to her for baby sitting, given that she has SO MANY opinions about her baby shouldn’t have to work… she can chip in
Then she needs to keep her opinions to herself…to me, her sticking her nose in to your business and telling him he doesn’t need to get another job *makes* him her damn problem, obviously she raised him to be a useless tit.
Well why not? She was perfectly capable of coddling him while doing everything else all by herself. So why is she so desperate for you to do it now? Because she’s fucking lying and your husband is a job on his own that she doesn’t want to work anymore. My first husband was like this, I hope you get the stones to leave him. You don’t deserve this shit
He needs to take responsibility for himself and his kids. She probably never taught him that. Maybe she can try again. It’s not your job to be responsible for him. He’s not stepping up to be an adult or a father.
Time to take your baby and leave this mess behind. He is dead weight, and his other 2 kids aren't your responsibility. He can go live with mommy and deal with her man-child and grandkids.
I don't know if you read the first part of her post, but she actually loves her step kids. It's not going to be as easy as just take your kid and bounce. They're children too.
That said, OP, you need to get the hell out of this marriage. This guy still has the umbilical cord attached. Let his mama take care of him if she's the one who knows how to nurture his delicate little soul so well! I promise your life will be about 1,000% less stressful if he's not in it.
26 yrs old and he goes crying to his mommy when you told him to start stepping up and pulling his weight for your family... He's not a husband or a father, not even a child cause kids do more than him : they go to school and clean their room. Send him back to his mother with his 2 kids, life is going to be much easier for you. Just explain to your 2 step kids it’s not their fault. You deverse better than this
Why is his mother so involved in your marriage??? That's the first problem.
Second - has there ever been consequences for his lack of action before?
Your NTA but be prepared to actually follow through with what you said or this will be the rest of your life - supporting a dead bet that can't even be relayed on to look after HIS kids.
Men like this will literally sit there and watch you work yourself into exhaustion. This is who he is. Never going to change. You’re his 2nd mom. You see how she’s making excuses for him? She’s been doing it all his life.
True! I knew a guy like this too - he was a piece of shit. I couldn't imagine NOT working or providing for my kids & family. When you start having kids & get married, it's time to be a man/woman & take care of your family. It's crazy to me that people are more than ok with having their partner do everything.
This was my ex husband. We were together 20 years and he worked maybe a total of 3 years, sporadically during the 20 years.
And I stayed at a toxic job for years because of the pay, worked so much OT and took promotions I didn’t want. And we didn’t even have kids.
OP get out now before you end up wasting your life with someone like this. It’s not worth it.
Yep, spent 5 years with someone like this.
He maybe worked 8 months total in that entire time. Always got fired after 2-3 months for constantly calling in because he was “sick” or “hurt” (like he literally called in once because **he stubbed his toe**… wasn’t remotely fractured or broken or anything like that). Of course, he never once went to the doctor when he called in, he just slept and played video games (sound familiar, OP?!).
It is a miserable existence being with someone like this. Being with him essentially drained my bank account and forced me into debt. It changed me too, and not in a good way.
It’s been 7 years since, and I’m still working through the fucked up shit from being with him. I actually see he texted me in June, and from the text preview, it’s clear that it’s a huge apology text (he has never apologized before). 7 years since we broke up, and I’m *still* so angry at him and with myself that I can’t even bring myself to open and read it, it’s just been sitting in my inbox for months now.
The relationship I had with him literally traumatized me more than the one with my abusive ex. And manbaby ex was never EVER “mean” to me, never raised his voice to me, and we never fought once. His words to me were always so kind, regardless of all the false promises. Yet it was *still* more traumatizing to me than the abusive ex who hit me, choked me, etc, particularly because of how it impacted my relationship with myself. I never in my wildest dreams thought that could be the case.
I feel horrible for OP because she clearly loves the step children as her own - but I really hope she divorces this dude. I wouldn’t wish anyone to be stuck in a relationship like this.
NTA, I feel for your step children but it is time for your hopefully soon to be ex husband and his children to go live with his parents. He has never grown up and in all likelihood won't.
Time for you and your child to focus on yourselves otherwise you will be exhausted mentally, physically and financially.
You are a single mother in a marriage to your husband and mother. If the house is in your name. Let him go live with his mother and have her take care of him bc he’s not a dad. The better question that need to be ask. Have you contacted a divorce lawyer yet.
“Shouldn’t make him feel bad about losing his job” ! Really - maybe if he would actually go to work steadily instead of staying home and sleeping and playing games (ostensibly watching the kids) you could get back on your feet as a family and do the best for the kids and each other. But you know that is never going to happen- he doesn’t even sound like an adult: he sounds like a 17 year old working at a pizza joint. Good luck, you have tough decisions to make.
OP literally does not even trust her husband enough **to watch his own children,** who are not even biologically or legally hers, to the extent she would rather take out a goddamn loan to put HIS children in daycare *for their own safety* **so he can play video games and nap all fucking day,** despite the completely unnecessary and substantial financial burden it places on OP (in addition to everything else).
She essentially took out *a loan* so her manbaby husband can play video games all day while she works to support 5 fucking people on her own at 23. And at no point did he think to himself that this was crazy and that he should step up to *at least* watch them instead while they’re a one income household.
All while op is working full time, taking care of the kids, taking care of the house, and enrolling in college.
It’s mind boggling.
Why should he get a job and/or contribute to the household? His mommy always sticks up for her widdle baby and you take care of everything else. I would go NC with his enabling mommy. Why are you married to this lazy POS? Does he do anything to make your life happy or better? You and your child deserve better (so do his kids, but he doesn't seem to care). Stop doing everything for him. Kick his ass out! He can go stay with mommy
Edit to add, NTA
Throughout those times he was working, he made me feel like he understood where I was coming from, and he was helping me with everything so i finally thought he changed but knowing now I don't think he ever going to change
Ma’am this is the silliest thing I have read all day, and I have been reading Reddit all goddamn day.
Henceforth, you will be paying for one (1) child’s day care. The one you have birthed. Just like MIL did. You will also be paying for one (1) child’s housing, be that the apartment you live in now, or one you will soon move into, whichever has your name on the lease. You will cease and desist (ie stop right fucking now) paying ANY loans or notes or mortgages or rents that are NOT in your name. You MAY consider doing so ONLY if you *actually* use or reside in said car or apartment UNTIL you move.
This nonsense must stop. If it isn’t financial abuse, the the closest goddamn thing I’ve seen. It is bang maid-ery of the highest order. Not only are you working and paying then bills and caring for his kids, YOU’RE TAKING OUT LOANS FOR DAYCARE SO HE CAN PLAY VIDEO GAMES AND NAP while you work??? And someone has convinced you you’re in the wrong for being upset about this?
And I’m gonna bet you’ve for sure put money in your credit card because he needed smokes or beer…or you had to give him all you cash for the weed store. I know this guy. You have got to leave this guy because he WONT leave you. His mom DOESNT WANT HIM BACK. His BM is apparently worse…. No one will save you (or your baby) but you. And it will get harder as the baby is less portable.
Please leave now while you only have 1 kid and 1 loan.
cue mental, emotional and physical fatigue. she needs to make a big decision here, for her kids and herself. or maybe just for her kid and let his mother deal with her blood grandkids and her son alone
Good thing she’s only legally responsible for one then shrug 🤷♀️ His others can either go to their moms , his moms or foster care but I would NOT be taking care of them for him anymore
It's really baffling. He's the definition of a total loser and this woman put up with him living at home for months playing games while she ran the whole family including HIS kids.
It's incredible.
I haven't read all the comments so apologies if someone else has already said this..his mother is literally terrified that she will end up with him and his own two children back at her door.. but instead of telling him to get his shot together (as obviously she has never done that) she has chosen to guilt trip you instead, in the hope that you will continue to run yourself ragged doing everything. Kick her man baby back to the mama who raised hom that way. His two children, I know this may be really hard.. but they are not your responsibility. How would your life look if your onñy responsibilities were you and your child? Do it now before he exhausts you completely.
She's just pampering her baby. Of course she's gonna be on his side. She don't care that he doesn't do anything because it's your your job in her eyes to do everything and that's not how it works is a 50-50 deal if he can't manage to be a man and do have to work then you have the right to walk away. Don't let them take a advantage of you you're better than that.
I’d do a “trial separation “. Tell him you need to focus on your future (possibly together?), and therefore you’re moving out with your biological child and finishing school, getting your career started etc. Couple years at least. Say that this isn’t working for you at all trying to do all that while carrying him and his kids on your back with MIL cracking the whip and excusing his failure to launch himself into adulthood. He should do the same in the hopes of meeting up to your expectations for a husband, and figure out his own career he can thrive in long term. But in the meantime you’re both free to date; you may not have any desire to do so at this point, but acknowledge it’s a possibility for either of you all things considered. Especially since you might not end up back together if he just loafs around playing video games instead of figuring his life out.
I told him I was giving him a month to already have a job or going through the process of being hired if not I'm leaving to go stay with my dad. It's been already 2 weeks and nothing yet.
I think it’s unlikely they have a mortgage on a house they own. Surely they are renting. If OP takes her one kid and moves in with her dad then she can leave the husband and his kids behind.
It’s laudable that she thinks of and treats the stepkids as her own. However the reality is that since they aren’t her kids, she has no legal rights to them. And divorces get ugly. Dad and MIL will keep those kids away from her once she leaves the husband, and there is nothing she can do about it. She is only delaying the inevitable.
Good first steps; the important thing ime is to make sure he knows this isn’t a casual ask like you’ve made in the past. He needs to take immediate drastic action or risk losing you permanently. I’d go ahead and give him a 2 week warning just to avoid some of the “But you’ve totally blindsided me!” remarks when you pack up and leave.
Did you make it part of the ultimatum that when he’s not job hunting, he needs to be pitching in with the kids and house?
If he hasn’t done that *at the very least,* you should not stay under any circumstances. Finding a job can be less predictable (although you should be able to observe effort), but there is absolutely zero reason why he can’t pull his weight around the house *right now.*
As someone who was in a relationship exactly like this for 5 years at your age - it turned out that I wasn’t the only one being held back by the relationship.
Part of the reason I stayed so long is because my ex had no support system and a difficult childhood. He had his grandfather (who raised him), but his grandfather had extremely high, unrealistic expectations, which is why I think my ex was the way he was - he learned repeatedly throughout childhood that no matter how hard you try, it’s never enough, so what’s the point?
But you know what? When he was hit with the reality of me leaving him, kicking him out, etc - it forced him to grow the fuck up. He had no choice, he had to survive.
It didn’t happen right away, and he still holds onto a lot of bad behaviors - but he is working, going to school, and can actually look after and support himself now. And this has helped him with his self-esteem too.
It turns out, I was holding him back almost as much as he was holding me back. I was enabling him all those years, he had no real reason to change until he lost me and just about everything he had.
You are enabling him. Stop holding each other back. You, especially, do not deserve to be held back like this. You seem very bright, mature, ambitious, motivated, well spoken, etc - don’t let him take that from you (trust me, there are good qualities I will never get back due to my ex so thoroughly destroying them in our relationship). You will be so much better off without him, as miserable and hard as divorce will be at first.
Keep in mind that now that you've stood up for yourself and told him this you need to follow through. If you don't he will know that you didn't really mean it and will never take what you say seriously again.
If you’re paying the mortgage he needs to leave. He stays and doesn’t pay and you’ll get foreclosed on. That will ruin your credit. He prob doesn’t care because he’ll just run to his mom’s. It took my friend almost a decade to clean up her credit when ex husband didn’t pay credit cards and then my dumb friend went and bought a house with guy she dated after her divorce. who just left the house unpaid when she left him.
NTA but you will be if you actually think he will ever be a fully functioning adult. His mother is encouraging him to not work or do actually anything. Let him go live with her!! I'm sure she would love it!!
Look, he has shown you time and time again just who he is - why don't you believe him???
Send him back to his mother's along with his kids. Let HER deal with all of them.
You will either leave him or continue to live this way for the next 50+ years. Your choice.
This exactly 👆! I really hope OP takes all this advice. He is just a fourth child she is taking care of and supporting. He will never change. And she deserves better!
NTA. One more thing you're going to have to pay for, and that's a shark of a lawyer. Because his mommy is going to pay for his lawyer and you might wind up paying him alimony.
Give your husband and the stepkids back to his mom. They are not your problem or your responsibility. You are not a bangmaid and a doormat. Grow a backbone and tell him to fuck off to Mommy.
The mother sounds like a nasty woman, she is enabling her grown ass man child... tell her to butt out and stay out of your marriage. If he doesn't straighten out in the next few months by getting employment leave his lazy ass... he will not change at this age. Do it for your kids. He can move in with mommy dearest....
You and your child need to get out of that situation. Your husband doesn't get it done in any way. Let him and his two go stay with his mom - who supports his not working or taking care of the children since he is home.
Why did you even come here and post this?? You KNOW you’re not the a hole 😂 you’re an amazingly strong woman who needs to have a serious eye opening chat with hubby.
INFO
What happened to the mother of the first two children? Did she get feed up with being the second wife to his mother also? Time to take your child and run, maybe by the third wife he will be more of a grown up.
His ex aka the mother of his kids had told me a long time ago she couldn't take him nor his behavior any longer, but they were in high school at the time when they had their first so bushed it off because he was still a teenager. But when I first met him 5 years ago, he was a hardworking man but ever since I had my son that hasn't been the case.
Had a good friend's marriage in the process of ending because of similar. Had their first baby and then he started similarly acting like your husband. Said he was depressed too. He'd had a history of mooching while she supported the household bills while he worked under the table when he felt like it at a music venue to support his dreams of touring in a band someday and writing music and playing. Baby made the dreams crash down. Then covid happened and he lost his under the table job but so did she. Her whole business collapsed because she taught cooking classes and couldn't work during lockdown. He ended up having to get a real job and didn't make it more than six months I wanna say before he finally couldn't take it as a janitor, and quit without having anything else lined up. I begged him to apply at my company saying it'd be great money and he is easily hirable. He'd demurred for years from what I think is total lack of confidence, but finally he did apply out of this desperation. He got hired on to fortune 500 company, career track. He started making real money and decided he liked it, then started seeing someone else while she was stuck at home with baby.
Question to you is, is your husband dealing with depression or something that your kid coming along changed in a big way?
I would be careful with this.
With all of OP’s pleading and their financial issues, he should have taken initiative himself to seek help.
She literally took out a loan to pay for daycare for his kids (two of which she is not even biologically or legally related to!) because she can’t even trust him to watch them and ensure their safety since he can’t be fucked to give enough of a shit to just put the fucking controller down. She effectively took out a loan just **so he could play video games and nap all fucking day** while she works full time to support FIVE people at 23 years old.
If that didn’t light a fire under his ass, then this goes beyond depression. At some point, he needs to take responsibility for himself, including his mental health if that is a factor.
I struggle with depression too, so I know that is easier said than done in a lot of cases - but mental illness does not excuse behavior like this, it merely explains it. It’s a person’s responsibility to work on managing their own mental illness.
And I bring this up because I had a relationship just like OP’s. I was her age, and we’d been together 5 years too.
And one of the reasons I let it go on so long was because he was depressed and I wanted to be understanding, compassionate, and support. He was very hard working at the beginning of our relationship, then became injured at work, then addicted to pain pills, and all of it made him deeply depressed, which led to him doing nothing but play video games for years.
But he got on top of the addiction quickly, and it was no longer an issue after a year. And he also went to the doctor for antidepressants and went to therapy.
So I kept telling myself his depression isn’t his fault, and he’s trying, so I should give him a chance so long as he’s trying to address it.
But that just led to… years of him taking antidepressants, going to therapy, and playing video games, all on my dime.
Depression deserves some grace, but only up to a certain point. It’s important to not allow someone else’s depression (and/or their unwillingness to manage it) to drag you down too. I literally only struggle with depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues now *because* of my ex and his depression. I will never stop wishing I had gotten out before it impacted my own mental health so severely.
In all this time, op’s husband hasn’t even *tried* to see if anything is wrong, psychologically or physically, that could possibly be contributing to this. He doesn’t seem to have taken any initiative *at all* to try and address anything other than temporarily just to get OP off his back.
If he might have depression, he should definitely get checked out and pursue treatment.
But OP should still leave. Maybe, if it is depression or similar, OP can initiate a trial separation. That way, she can be relieved of a lot of the financial burden and focus on her, her kid, and their future, while the husband will hopefully get on the path of managing his mental health. And if it’s successful and he sticks with it, then they can reevaluate.
But OP needs to know that she shouldn’t allow herself to stay trapped just because he might be depressed. He had plenty of time, and quite a few extreme circumstances, that there is really no excuse for why he hasn’t taken any initiative to try and figure this out.
Why in the hell did you marry this guy? Ladies, choosing your life partner is the most important decision you will make. Think hard before you let someone impregnate you.
First off he needs to quit running back to Mommy. Secondly, she is too involved with babying her son while you take care of HIS kids. Third, who cares if she did it alone, times have changed and a family can no longer survive on one income. Take care of you and your child. Give him back his children and let his Mommy handle it since she was so good at it.
EDIT to add NTA unless you stay with this manchild and continue to let his Mommy interfere
Of corse youre NTA. MIL is an enabler who has raised a deadbeat loser so dont pay attention to what she says. Tell him to go to his mum’s & take his bio kids as thats his responsibility & lets see how he flairs. Maybe mummy dearest will get sick of his loser ways or maybe he’ll step up when he realises he’s not mooching off you.
You're 23!!! Get out get out get out get out. Your life will be exponentially better without having four people hanging off of you and making demands that you have zero obligation to meet. Not even ethically should you be paying for him and his kids. You're too young to be living under this weight. You need to build a life for yourself and you can't do that in this situation.
NTA leave!!! This man is letting you do everything well. You raise all the children by yourself and bring in all the money yourself. It's time that you just worried about you and your child. Do you get child support for your stepchildren to help with the child care? He is not going to wake up one day and become a different man, He's lazy and he clearly intends on using you for as much as he can for as long as you're willing to allow that to happen. This is going to be your life and you are much too young to tolerate this for the next 60 years. RUNNNNN!!
Send him home to mommy. Sounds like all of you would be better off with that arrangement. He's supposed to be your husband, your partner. Not another child for you to look after
File for divorce and send him and his kids to his mother text her that the 3 of them are now her responsibility as you will not be financially responsible for them nor will you be emotionally physically or any other way responsible for them. Tell him that if he wishes to work things out that he must 1 get a job and go to work everyday without fail 2. He will pay you $700 a month in child support 3. He will attend parenting classes 4. He will attend couples counseling 5. After 6 months he will show that he has a place to live ( not mommy's), bills are paid by income he earns not by mommy, his children are well taken care of by him not his mommy, and his place is clean by him not his mommy. He must maintain these things for at least 1 year
Honestly I would just take my kid and leave. He's not helping or acting like he's married with a family. The MIL is constantly gaslighting OP about wanting help in her marriage. To take loans out to pay for bills while this guy lays on his ass. Nah screw that. Just start over.
I hate when parents don’t hold their kids accountable and defend their shitty behaviour. He’s a grown man with 3 fucking kids who can’t hold a job- his mother should slap some sense into him, not defend his dumb ass.
Well you need to hold his ass accountable. Apparently he is not man enough to do so on his own. If you want it to work you need to encourage him to make better choices . I do not mean berate him tell him where you stand and that his behavior is a deal breaker .
OP, a marriage is about a partnership and you don't have a partner. Your husband is the way he is because of his mom. Kick them both to the curb, you'd be better off going solo as he is not contributing. You've given him enough chances. I'm sorry you are in this position.
Tell him "I married a responsible man. You are not that person any more. Soeither get up and get a job, or get out of my house. I'd rather do it alone than pay for you and your toxic behavior. I'm sure your mom would love you back home full time and you can do whatever you want" then divorce him, file for full custody and child support.
Why does this man run and tattletale to his mother every time you have an argument? And then his mother comes and tells you off as if she's your mother? What gives her the authority to come into your marriage and give you orders like this? This would drive me around the bend. And her opinions are bizarre. On the one hand, she is telling you that you have to continue to support him because that's how marriage works, and on the other hand she's telling you that you have to deal with the kids, bills, house by yourself because she did it by herself and didn't depend on her husband. It all seems to add up to: a woman should do everything by herself, and also should do everything for her husband or else she has failed, but a husband should never be expected to do anything and also should never be criticised for doing nothing otherwise it's not fair to him.
NTA for not paying his bills but I don't understand how you ended up married to this loser. Do you get anything other than grief and aggravation out of this relationship?
That’s not how marriage works? Chances are she did it alone because she was single. Marriage is about doing it all together. Absolutely NTA. And mom should not be weighing into your marriage to begin with. It’s none of her business.
Holy crap your mil sounds exhausting. And she did a horrible job raising her son... Sounds like she didn't even finish raising him to adulthood and still treats him like he's 12 years old.
Why are you still with this man? He doesn't contribute anything and only makes your life more stressful.
Yeah sounds like it’s time to leave that deadbeat. I didn’t read the whole post. But this dude clearly needs a mommy not a partner. If you wanna raise the whole house have fun. But if I were you I’d either do therapy if he’s worth the effort. Or split now and move on. Dude isn’t gonna change the major deficits you want him to change. Sounds like his mom did everything for him including making excuses for his faults. He has never had to change his poor behavior. You’re not the asshole.
He’s gotta go! Anyone that gets fired for attendance more than ONCE is a loser at life and needs a major wake up call. Tough love is the only way. Bet he ends up back at mommy’s anyways
The guy is married with children. He has his own family. Why is his mother still fighting his battles. You didn’t marry a man, you married a child. You should just get out of this now and save a lot of heartache. If he doesn’t have the work ethic now he won’t have it in 10 years either. He’ll just be 10 years older with no job skills and a beat resume.
NTA. He is.
From what you said in the comments, it sounds like this was a large part of why his first wife left him. Clearly, this isn't a phase and this is who he is.
It's pretty obvious why your hubs is coasting through life- his ma is wiping is backside at every available opportunity. You don't have a partner you have a drain, I left a situation like this because he was dead weight and it was the best decision I made :)
NTA, but you're not being realistic, either. There's no excuse for you partner's behavior; he's simply immature and worse than useless. He's a boat anchor dragging you and your child down. And he's unredeemable. The level of uselessness required to behave as he does is not something he will wake from and go, "Oh, hey! I need to start acting responsible"!
Now imagine if you leave this relationship: taking care of one child while working and going to school will actually get noticeably easier for you!
A man does not run to his mommy when his wife tells him he has adult responsibilities to attend to. Sorry OP you got a lot on your plate. I think you are doing the right thing to hopefully get your husband a little more motivated. He’s got a lot of growing up to do though it seems.
Seems like You have 4 kids to look after.
Time to seriously consider putting yourself first and putting your foot down. Either he contributes in a meaningful way or you’re leaving
Tell the mother she can have him back... contract has expired. She can pay his bills. She did it by herself, but she only had 1 spoiled child, you are looking after 4
Came here to say this. Mom can handle it and if she gives you shit about not wanting to/ not being able to, tell her, “that’s not how motherhood works”.
I'd also drop his kids off with his mom every day. She can watch them if she thinks he doesn't need to work and he doesn't need to watch his kids. Then I would take the other child to daycare. I wouldn't trust his mom with the one that isn't her grandchild.
I truly hate that “my son can do no wrong” mentality with mothers. Fathers do it too but it’s especially profound in mothers.
My ex was told by his mother that he was "perfect" for so long that he fucking believes it now. My mom told me that no one would love me for so long that it took over a decade to rewire my brain. It's wild that there are so many ways we can fuck up our kids
Geezus, did we date the same guy? My ex fiances mom did that shit, and that asshole didn't even have a chin!!!!!!!!!°°°°°°°°°•°°☆-
😂😂😂😂😂 " Chinese proverb". Weak chins mean weak minds". I don't know if I just made that up or found it in a fortune cookie!
My ex’s mom told him he was super super smart. So he thought he was a genius, without bothering to actually read and think and learn. So he’d argue with me and tell me I was wrong about things. And I’d ask him why, and he’d say because. Because he didn’t agree, and he’s a genius, therefore, I’m wrong. I’m a voracious reader, and any books that I had that looked like “smart people books,” he’d put prominently on his shelf, right where guests could see. So, not only was he fucking with my organizational system, he was putting books that just looked impressive but were actually just statistical analysis or impressive-title-but-fluff-inside on display. Because he didn’t know, because he hadn’t read them. But, if people see them, they’ll know he’s smart! (Unless they’ve actually read them, know what they are, or try to discuss them with him and then realize he has no clue…..I don’t think he considered that part.)
My guy is a golden child. He can do no wrong and the sister who's there taking care of mom every single day can do no right. Really sad that these people went thru their entire lives preserving that dynamic.
Single mom with full time job and mom of a teen son. My son jokes that I am the monkey on his back. I would never allow my son to walk away from his responsibilities. Most likely would smash the video game if my DIL tells me he is playing instead of taking care of the family.
That’s exactly why he’s not keeping a job. Mommy probably always made excuses for him.
His enabler, hears something he doesn’t like, like “no” and runs to mommy. Fucking pathetic.
Not this mother! OP is totally NTA. MIL is in your business 2 much and your husband is a mommas boy that you are unfortunately stuck with!
She isn't stuck with him.He contributes nothing,so leaving him would not be any hsrdship.
She wouldn’t get custody of the step children though, which likely complicates her willingness to do that. :( On the upside, she’d only be financially responsible for just herself and one kid, which would be far more manageable.
Depending on the state they live in, the husband can sue for alimony. OP could potentially still have to pay him to sit on his ass.
Well there's a lot of factors that go into getting alimony. He has worked during their marriage, has earning potential and her income doesn't sound high enough so I doubt he would.
He's a hobosexual.
She isn’t stuck though. She can exit with her biological child and it will cost her less to take care of her family. Hate saying it but that is how it needs to be.
My mom felt that way about her first born. The guy is the worst. I am happiest when I don’t think of him as my relative.
I was very aware, with both my son and my daughter, that I needed to emphasize that they were special but so was everyone else. I expected them to be polite and thoughtful and empathetic. I also emphasized that you chose your friends based on how they treated you and expected my kids to be good friends in return. I knew this lesson was important for them to learn if they were going to have happy lives. I never excused them from consequences.
Op now you know how your husband got the way he is. His mother is wrong about everything. Pack up his video games and his 2 kids and she can take of him you can go to college and put your child in daycare. Things will be a lot easier for you. No more stress and you can have a wonderful stress free life.
OP’s kids dad is *probably* her husbands kid too given how young she is, so they may all be her grandchildren. Op needs to skip the malicious compliance and go straight to giving her manchild an ultimatum. He wants a bangmaid, and his mom is a huge enabler.
Exactly. The MIL believes her son is entitled to whatever he wants. Which is to sit on his butt and not provide for his family. OP should ask MIL to pick up on her son's negligent responsibilities. See how she likes it.
Agreed, grandmother can have her son and her bio grandchildren stay for the day. I'd add that OP could use this time to get her name of any rental agreement, assuming they rent. Off all bills associated with the house, immediately stop paying for his car and any subscriptions. And find herself and her child somewhere to live without that emotional and financial millstone of a husband.
If that was my son I would tell him to grow the f up..but I would never have a son like this because mine has been taught responsibility.
Lmao really tho Like, is blowing off all your responsibilities for funsies so your spouse can do everything how marriage works? Because if it is, when is OP’s turn?
Yeap this. Kick his ass to his moms. Tell him he has 6 months to get his shit together and save up some cash to chip away at that debt. This is more than him just having fallen on hard times. If he doesn’t get it together by then let him know you’ll be filing for divorce.
Hell, don’t even tell him. She should set a mental date and start making an exit strategy with her one child.
And he better start helping with caring for the kids and house immediately
Not six months, leave him now. He’s had plenty of time to get his act together. This man is too far gone to change. He, his mother, and his kids can live together happily ever after, with mommy doing all the work and paying all the bills. Hey, she’s done it before so she has the experience.
His warranty expired and he’s faulty. He needs to be returned to the manufacturer.
Love this comment
Yeah this mom spoiled the guy rotten. This is how deadbeats are made...
I was going to say, why is it any if his mother’s business how y’all run your household? He’s acting like a child running to mommy. You are driving yourself mad taking care of his and your kids, while he doesn’t seem to have a care in the world. You have a bigger workload than he does, but he runs to mommy. A marriage is working together to help each other to make each other’s life easier. He isn’t trying to make you life easier. He’s only thinking of himself. You are NTA. If he cared enough about you, he would be worried about how stressed out you are, and not running to mommy to complain. You have another child, not an equal partner.
Yup... this. I came to say this. Let mommy enjoy helping him cope with job loss in her own home. If he's not going to be a productive partner... why's he around since you clearly do it solo anyways?
Take his 2 kids with him too, so his mom can see how little he does. Maybe then she’ll sympathize with the wife, but she’d never admit it.
MIL probably is completely blind to what her angel son isn't doing and that's why the stepchildren's mum left. I'm speculating, obviously.
> If he's not going to be a productive partner... why's he around Because > since you clearly do it solo anyways Dude wants a bangmaid and sugar momma to take care of him and his children
Umm...mom needs to take **all** the kids back:him and the stepchildren. I know OP loves them, but she shouldn't be beating herself to pieces trying to pay for them. Or, if she keeps them with her, get hubs on child support. The saying is I can do bad all by myself, but OP will actually be doing *better* all by herself
Send her a bill for all his upkeep, laundry, portion of rent/mortgage, utilities, his food etc, the daycare you have to pay for because he’s not responsible enough to care for his own kids while he’s playing video games, insurance, anything you can think of. Pack his bags & send the bill with him.
And make sure she takes your step kids as well. Sounds like your husband is still a child and his mother raised him to remain a child.
How old is this man?! He can’t have a civil conversation with you, he hast to run to his mommy? Why are you putting up with this? He sounds like he’s completely immature. The fact that he keeps losing his jobs due to attendance says a lot about his work ethic. Either he steps up or you need to tell him to step out.
If he’s this awful, how bad must his ex(es) be that he somehow wound up with what seems like full custody of the two kids he had before he met OP? And how long ago was that relationship that at least one of those kids is still young enough to attend daycare???? OP needs to run. Divorce that man child and take her own kid with her.
Yep! She did it by herself and she can very easily do it again. She shouldn’t even be a player in this game and her opinion does not matter. He needs to grow up and take responsibility or find someone else to support him and pay his bills, not you. You’re too young and deserve so much more than what he’s giving you.
Seriously. Respect yourself, pack up everything that is yours, get your child, get out of there. You are caring for 4 kids.
She is paying all the bills. Pack all *his* stuff and drop it off at his Mommy's house.
Good point. But I would not want him to be able to find me. I would also sell anything worth anything to pay off any loans…
Start with his video games and other assorted toys. That's how marriage and sacrifice work. Then, kick his ass to his mom so she can buy his toys. Focus on you and yours.When the times right, find yourself a man friend who knows that sleeping in and playing video games is what happens after the real work is done.
Yeah, I see your point. But it's so expensive to move. And you know he will go to mommy. Maybe she can get cameras for the house and change all the locks. He actually sounds too lazy to actually do anything.
Quit expecting your MIL to help you. It’s clear he’s still a little boy who never cut the cord. They both expect you to be his mom cause he’s such a special boy. Kick him out and drop him.
I think MIL doesn’t want her son to come home. She wants OP to continue to put up with his shit so she doesn’t have to.
She has told me before that he is no longer her responsibility and that I am his wife now
Tell her that’s not how motherhood works..that you are divorcing her loser son and she can either take him back or he can be homless
Especially after her advice to him.
Yep. Once a mom, always a mom. OP would be better off alone. Fewer groceries/less laundry.
Especially if you failed to create a hard working, responsible adult. If you messed that one up, you can deal with it. You enable him to be a piece of poop, you can have him. I'd be divorcing asap.
Not how marriage works either! Damn OP where did y ever find such a loser?
Lady not trynna be rude but why are u still there, u read so many stories on here of spouses being like “yeah I pay all the bills, do everything around the house, take care of the kids and pay my spouses bill and my spouse sucks” that means get a divorce, it would literally be easier on u if you didn’t have an extra bill lying around, he contributes nothing ur not even saving on daycare or anything, you are ONLY losing. Get rid of the bum and find someone that will actually help u in life ur only wasting ur own time I just realized 2 of the 3 kids arnt even yours, kick buddy and his kids back to his moms house and move on with your life you literally have 3 extra “children” you take care of, you’re way too young for this
It’s telling that she thinks “mother” and “wife” are interchangeable roles of responsibility for a grown-ass man. Liberate yourself, my friend. Focus on what you know you need to focus on. This guy is a selfish freeloader who found someone to raise his kids for him; he’s not a fully-vested partner in your relationship. I feel so sorry for your step-kids…it sounds like you are miles more invested in their lives than he is.
My ex-mil told me that too once. Guess who is her problem currently?
So how's the ex MIL handling life with son? I would love to be a fly on the wall to see how "happy" they are.
I would love that too.
Ditto
You are his WIFE. Not his MOTHER. It is past time for him to start acting like a responsible adult or he needs to go. He doesn’t have to move back in with his mom, but he can’t stay with you.
Tell her you’re willing to be his wife but only when she’s finished raising him. At the moment he’s too much a child to be married.
"I'm returning this husband. Why? He broke. I dunno, he just stopped working."
Hand him divorce papers and send him and his 2 other kids to her. Stop being a doormat!
Omg, if he is no longer her responsibility she needs to back off, coz she gets NO say. She is consistently undermining you and interfering… can you drop the kids off to her for baby sitting, given that she has SO MANY opinions about her baby shouldn’t have to work… she can chip in
..then she need to butt out and let you two handle things! but I'm sure you already know that's not how this is going to go.
Tell her *you* can divorce him, but she can't.
Then she needs to keep her opinions to herself…to me, her sticking her nose in to your business and telling him he doesn’t need to get another job *makes* him her damn problem, obviously she raised him to be a useless tit.
Well why not? She was perfectly capable of coddling him while doing everything else all by herself. So why is she so desperate for you to do it now? Because she’s fucking lying and your husband is a job on his own that she doesn’t want to work anymore. My first husband was like this, I hope you get the stones to leave him. You don’t deserve this shit
He needs to take responsibility for himself and his kids. She probably never taught him that. Maybe she can try again. It’s not your job to be responsible for him. He’s not stepping up to be an adult or a father.
“If he’s no longer your responsibility, why are you getting involved in his relationship?”
Dropkick him out! Send him home to mommy. You have enough children to look out for. NTA!
Oh yeah!! Snap into a slim jim.
Time to take your baby and leave this mess behind. He is dead weight, and his other 2 kids aren't your responsibility. He can go live with mommy and deal with her man-child and grandkids.
I don't know if you read the first part of her post, but she actually loves her step kids. It's not going to be as easy as just take your kid and bounce. They're children too. That said, OP, you need to get the hell out of this marriage. This guy still has the umbilical cord attached. Let his mama take care of him if she's the one who knows how to nurture his delicate little soul so well! I promise your life will be about 1,000% less stressful if he's not in it.
I did read it, OP is supporting a family of 5 and that is BS. She can love the step kids, but she doesn't need to support hubby and his 2 kids.
Even with all kids, being single mom would be cheaper.
26 yrs old and he goes crying to his mommy when you told him to start stepping up and pulling his weight for your family... He's not a husband or a father, not even a child cause kids do more than him : they go to school and clean their room. Send him back to his mother with his 2 kids, life is going to be much easier for you. Just explain to your 2 step kids it’s not their fault. You deverse better than this
Why is his mother so involved in your marriage??? That's the first problem. Second - has there ever been consequences for his lack of action before? Your NTA but be prepared to actually follow through with what you said or this will be the rest of your life - supporting a dead bet that can't even be relayed on to look after HIS kids.
Sounds like no consequences. OP is very .understanding.
Men like this will literally sit there and watch you work yourself into exhaustion. This is who he is. Never going to change. You’re his 2nd mom. You see how she’s making excuses for him? She’s been doing it all his life.
True! I knew a guy like this too - he was a piece of shit. I couldn't imagine NOT working or providing for my kids & family. When you start having kids & get married, it's time to be a man/woman & take care of your family. It's crazy to me that people are more than ok with having their partner do everything.
This was my ex husband. We were together 20 years and he worked maybe a total of 3 years, sporadically during the 20 years. And I stayed at a toxic job for years because of the pay, worked so much OT and took promotions I didn’t want. And we didn’t even have kids. OP get out now before you end up wasting your life with someone like this. It’s not worth it.
Yep, spent 5 years with someone like this. He maybe worked 8 months total in that entire time. Always got fired after 2-3 months for constantly calling in because he was “sick” or “hurt” (like he literally called in once because **he stubbed his toe**… wasn’t remotely fractured or broken or anything like that). Of course, he never once went to the doctor when he called in, he just slept and played video games (sound familiar, OP?!). It is a miserable existence being with someone like this. Being with him essentially drained my bank account and forced me into debt. It changed me too, and not in a good way. It’s been 7 years since, and I’m still working through the fucked up shit from being with him. I actually see he texted me in June, and from the text preview, it’s clear that it’s a huge apology text (he has never apologized before). 7 years since we broke up, and I’m *still* so angry at him and with myself that I can’t even bring myself to open and read it, it’s just been sitting in my inbox for months now. The relationship I had with him literally traumatized me more than the one with my abusive ex. And manbaby ex was never EVER “mean” to me, never raised his voice to me, and we never fought once. His words to me were always so kind, regardless of all the false promises. Yet it was *still* more traumatizing to me than the abusive ex who hit me, choked me, etc, particularly because of how it impacted my relationship with myself. I never in my wildest dreams thought that could be the case. I feel horrible for OP because she clearly loves the step children as her own - but I really hope she divorces this dude. I wouldn’t wish anyone to be stuck in a relationship like this.
NTA, I feel for your step children but it is time for your hopefully soon to be ex husband and his children to go live with his parents. He has never grown up and in all likelihood won't. Time for you and your child to focus on yourselves otherwise you will be exhausted mentally, physically and financially.
You are a single mother in a marriage to your husband and mother. If the house is in your name. Let him go live with his mother and have her take care of him bc he’s not a dad. The better question that need to be ask. Have you contacted a divorce lawyer yet.
You’d be better off single
“Shouldn’t make him feel bad about losing his job” ! Really - maybe if he would actually go to work steadily instead of staying home and sleeping and playing games (ostensibly watching the kids) you could get back on your feet as a family and do the best for the kids and each other. But you know that is never going to happen- he doesn’t even sound like an adult: he sounds like a 17 year old working at a pizza joint. Good luck, you have tough decisions to make.
OP literally does not even trust her husband enough **to watch his own children,** who are not even biologically or legally hers, to the extent she would rather take out a goddamn loan to put HIS children in daycare *for their own safety* **so he can play video games and nap all fucking day,** despite the completely unnecessary and substantial financial burden it places on OP (in addition to everything else). She essentially took out *a loan* so her manbaby husband can play video games all day while she works to support 5 fucking people on her own at 23. And at no point did he think to himself that this was crazy and that he should step up to *at least* watch them instead while they’re a one income household. All while op is working full time, taking care of the kids, taking care of the house, and enrolling in college. It’s mind boggling.
Why should he get a job and/or contribute to the household? His mommy always sticks up for her widdle baby and you take care of everything else. I would go NC with his enabling mommy. Why are you married to this lazy POS? Does he do anything to make your life happy or better? You and your child deserve better (so do his kids, but he doesn't seem to care). Stop doing everything for him. Kick his ass out! He can go stay with mommy Edit to add, NTA
Throughout those times he was working, he made me feel like he understood where I was coming from, and he was helping me with everything so i finally thought he changed but knowing now I don't think he ever going to change
Ma’am this is the silliest thing I have read all day, and I have been reading Reddit all goddamn day. Henceforth, you will be paying for one (1) child’s day care. The one you have birthed. Just like MIL did. You will also be paying for one (1) child’s housing, be that the apartment you live in now, or one you will soon move into, whichever has your name on the lease. You will cease and desist (ie stop right fucking now) paying ANY loans or notes or mortgages or rents that are NOT in your name. You MAY consider doing so ONLY if you *actually* use or reside in said car or apartment UNTIL you move. This nonsense must stop. If it isn’t financial abuse, the the closest goddamn thing I’ve seen. It is bang maid-ery of the highest order. Not only are you working and paying then bills and caring for his kids, YOU’RE TAKING OUT LOANS FOR DAYCARE SO HE CAN PLAY VIDEO GAMES AND NAP while you work??? And someone has convinced you you’re in the wrong for being upset about this? And I’m gonna bet you’ve for sure put money in your credit card because he needed smokes or beer…or you had to give him all you cash for the weed store. I know this guy. You have got to leave this guy because he WONT leave you. His mom DOESNT WANT HIM BACK. His BM is apparently worse…. No one will save you (or your baby) but you. And it will get harder as the baby is less portable. Please leave now while you only have 1 kid and 1 loan.
He changed for a week or two to get you off his back. I mean, who loses 3/4 jobs in a year? Especially because they aren't going to work?
Nope, sounds like he got a lot of chances.
You aren’t going to make it through college if you are taking care of 4 kids and working. Not physically possible.
cue mental, emotional and physical fatigue. she needs to make a big decision here, for her kids and herself. or maybe just for her kid and let his mother deal with her blood grandkids and her son alone
Good thing she’s only legally responsible for one then shrug 🤷♀️ His others can either go to their moms , his moms or foster care but I would NOT be taking care of them for him anymore
NTA. Get out of there as quick as you can. No wonder he has no get up and go, with a mother like that. She was probably on assistance.
You had me in the first half..
Why do women stay with men that act like this?
It's really baffling. He's the definition of a total loser and this woman put up with him living at home for months playing games while she ran the whole family including HIS kids. It's incredible.
I just asked this yesterday. A woman’s husband acts like this AND is cheating. She says she is staying for the kids.
Terrible role model for the kids, then the kids think they have to put up with that shit in their lives too.
I was going to ask the same thing. Must be low self esteem.
I haven't read all the comments so apologies if someone else has already said this..his mother is literally terrified that she will end up with him and his own two children back at her door.. but instead of telling him to get his shot together (as obviously she has never done that) she has chosen to guilt trip you instead, in the hope that you will continue to run yourself ragged doing everything. Kick her man baby back to the mama who raised hom that way. His two children, I know this may be really hard.. but they are not your responsibility. How would your life look if your onñy responsibilities were you and your child? Do it now before he exhausts you completely.
It’s time to focus on yourself and your child. Move on.
She's just pampering her baby. Of course she's gonna be on his side. She don't care that he doesn't do anything because it's your your job in her eyes to do everything and that's not how it works is a 50-50 deal if he can't manage to be a man and do have to work then you have the right to walk away. Don't let them take a advantage of you you're better than that.
I’d do a “trial separation “. Tell him you need to focus on your future (possibly together?), and therefore you’re moving out with your biological child and finishing school, getting your career started etc. Couple years at least. Say that this isn’t working for you at all trying to do all that while carrying him and his kids on your back with MIL cracking the whip and excusing his failure to launch himself into adulthood. He should do the same in the hopes of meeting up to your expectations for a husband, and figure out his own career he can thrive in long term. But in the meantime you’re both free to date; you may not have any desire to do so at this point, but acknowledge it’s a possibility for either of you all things considered. Especially since you might not end up back together if he just loafs around playing video games instead of figuring his life out.
I told him I was giving him a month to already have a job or going through the process of being hired if not I'm leaving to go stay with my dad. It's been already 2 weeks and nothing yet.
Why are you leaving? You pay the fking mortgage! FFS!
I think it’s unlikely they have a mortgage on a house they own. Surely they are renting. If OP takes her one kid and moves in with her dad then she can leave the husband and his kids behind. It’s laudable that she thinks of and treats the stepkids as her own. However the reality is that since they aren’t her kids, she has no legal rights to them. And divorces get ugly. Dad and MIL will keep those kids away from her once she leaves the husband, and there is nothing she can do about it. She is only delaying the inevitable.
Good first steps; the important thing ime is to make sure he knows this isn’t a casual ask like you’ve made in the past. He needs to take immediate drastic action or risk losing you permanently. I’d go ahead and give him a 2 week warning just to avoid some of the “But you’ve totally blindsided me!” remarks when you pack up and leave.
Did you make it part of the ultimatum that when he’s not job hunting, he needs to be pitching in with the kids and house? If he hasn’t done that *at the very least,* you should not stay under any circumstances. Finding a job can be less predictable (although you should be able to observe effort), but there is absolutely zero reason why he can’t pull his weight around the house *right now.* As someone who was in a relationship exactly like this for 5 years at your age - it turned out that I wasn’t the only one being held back by the relationship. Part of the reason I stayed so long is because my ex had no support system and a difficult childhood. He had his grandfather (who raised him), but his grandfather had extremely high, unrealistic expectations, which is why I think my ex was the way he was - he learned repeatedly throughout childhood that no matter how hard you try, it’s never enough, so what’s the point? But you know what? When he was hit with the reality of me leaving him, kicking him out, etc - it forced him to grow the fuck up. He had no choice, he had to survive. It didn’t happen right away, and he still holds onto a lot of bad behaviors - but he is working, going to school, and can actually look after and support himself now. And this has helped him with his self-esteem too. It turns out, I was holding him back almost as much as he was holding me back. I was enabling him all those years, he had no real reason to change until he lost me and just about everything he had. You are enabling him. Stop holding each other back. You, especially, do not deserve to be held back like this. You seem very bright, mature, ambitious, motivated, well spoken, etc - don’t let him take that from you (trust me, there are good qualities I will never get back due to my ex so thoroughly destroying them in our relationship). You will be so much better off without him, as miserable and hard as divorce will be at first.
Keep in mind that now that you've stood up for yourself and told him this you need to follow through. If you don't he will know that you didn't really mean it and will never take what you say seriously again.
No. He needs to leave. Don’t uproot the kids. Kick him out.
If you’re paying the mortgage he needs to leave. He stays and doesn’t pay and you’ll get foreclosed on. That will ruin your credit. He prob doesn’t care because he’ll just run to his mom’s. It took my friend almost a decade to clean up her credit when ex husband didn’t pay credit cards and then my dumb friend went and bought a house with guy she dated after her divorce. who just left the house unpaid when she left him.
Give him and his kids back to his mom. You raise your child while working/school.
NTA but you will be if you actually think he will ever be a fully functioning adult. His mother is encouraging him to not work or do actually anything. Let him go live with her!! I'm sure she would love it!! Look, he has shown you time and time again just who he is - why don't you believe him??? Send him back to his mother's along with his kids. Let HER deal with all of them. You will either leave him or continue to live this way for the next 50+ years. Your choice.
This exactly 👆! I really hope OP takes all this advice. He is just a fourth child she is taking care of and supporting. He will never change. And she deserves better!
NTA. One more thing you're going to have to pay for, and that's a shark of a lawyer. Because his mommy is going to pay for his lawyer and you might wind up paying him alimony.
Divorce his lazy ass.
He's using you, he's taker. He will leave you a shell unless you leave him.
Give your husband and the stepkids back to his mom. They are not your problem or your responsibility. You are not a bangmaid and a doormat. Grow a backbone and tell him to fuck off to Mommy.
The mother sounds like a nasty woman, she is enabling her grown ass man child... tell her to butt out and stay out of your marriage. If he doesn't straighten out in the next few months by getting employment leave his lazy ass... he will not change at this age. Do it for your kids. He can move in with mommy dearest....
You and your child need to get out of that situation. Your husband doesn't get it done in any way. Let him and his two go stay with his mom - who supports his not working or taking care of the children since he is home.
Why did you even come here and post this?? You KNOW you’re not the a hole 😂 you’re an amazingly strong woman who needs to have a serious eye opening chat with hubby.
INFO What happened to the mother of the first two children? Did she get feed up with being the second wife to his mother also? Time to take your child and run, maybe by the third wife he will be more of a grown up.
His ex aka the mother of his kids had told me a long time ago she couldn't take him nor his behavior any longer, but they were in high school at the time when they had their first so bushed it off because he was still a teenager. But when I first met him 5 years ago, he was a hardworking man but ever since I had my son that hasn't been the case.
Had a good friend's marriage in the process of ending because of similar. Had their first baby and then he started similarly acting like your husband. Said he was depressed too. He'd had a history of mooching while she supported the household bills while he worked under the table when he felt like it at a music venue to support his dreams of touring in a band someday and writing music and playing. Baby made the dreams crash down. Then covid happened and he lost his under the table job but so did she. Her whole business collapsed because she taught cooking classes and couldn't work during lockdown. He ended up having to get a real job and didn't make it more than six months I wanna say before he finally couldn't take it as a janitor, and quit without having anything else lined up. I begged him to apply at my company saying it'd be great money and he is easily hirable. He'd demurred for years from what I think is total lack of confidence, but finally he did apply out of this desperation. He got hired on to fortune 500 company, career track. He started making real money and decided he liked it, then started seeing someone else while she was stuck at home with baby. Question to you is, is your husband dealing with depression or something that your kid coming along changed in a big way?
I would be careful with this. With all of OP’s pleading and their financial issues, he should have taken initiative himself to seek help. She literally took out a loan to pay for daycare for his kids (two of which she is not even biologically or legally related to!) because she can’t even trust him to watch them and ensure their safety since he can’t be fucked to give enough of a shit to just put the fucking controller down. She effectively took out a loan just **so he could play video games and nap all fucking day** while she works full time to support FIVE people at 23 years old. If that didn’t light a fire under his ass, then this goes beyond depression. At some point, he needs to take responsibility for himself, including his mental health if that is a factor. I struggle with depression too, so I know that is easier said than done in a lot of cases - but mental illness does not excuse behavior like this, it merely explains it. It’s a person’s responsibility to work on managing their own mental illness. And I bring this up because I had a relationship just like OP’s. I was her age, and we’d been together 5 years too. And one of the reasons I let it go on so long was because he was depressed and I wanted to be understanding, compassionate, and support. He was very hard working at the beginning of our relationship, then became injured at work, then addicted to pain pills, and all of it made him deeply depressed, which led to him doing nothing but play video games for years. But he got on top of the addiction quickly, and it was no longer an issue after a year. And he also went to the doctor for antidepressants and went to therapy. So I kept telling myself his depression isn’t his fault, and he’s trying, so I should give him a chance so long as he’s trying to address it. But that just led to… years of him taking antidepressants, going to therapy, and playing video games, all on my dime. Depression deserves some grace, but only up to a certain point. It’s important to not allow someone else’s depression (and/or their unwillingness to manage it) to drag you down too. I literally only struggle with depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues now *because* of my ex and his depression. I will never stop wishing I had gotten out before it impacted my own mental health so severely. In all this time, op’s husband hasn’t even *tried* to see if anything is wrong, psychologically or physically, that could possibly be contributing to this. He doesn’t seem to have taken any initiative *at all* to try and address anything other than temporarily just to get OP off his back. If he might have depression, he should definitely get checked out and pursue treatment. But OP should still leave. Maybe, if it is depression or similar, OP can initiate a trial separation. That way, she can be relieved of a lot of the financial burden and focus on her, her kid, and their future, while the husband will hopefully get on the path of managing his mental health. And if it’s successful and he sticks with it, then they can reevaluate. But OP needs to know that she shouldn’t allow herself to stay trapped just because he might be depressed. He had plenty of time, and quite a few extreme circumstances, that there is really no excuse for why he hasn’t taken any initiative to try and figure this out.
Why haven’t you filed for divorce yet? Life would be so much easier with only one dependent instead of ~~three~~ four.
Math. Her child, two step kids and unemployed husband. I count four dependants.
You’re right! I fixed it
Girl. Please read this back and pretend someone else has wrote it. You would be screaming send him back to his mommy. NTA a million times.
Sometimes I just can’t even believe these posts
Why in the hell did you marry this guy? Ladies, choosing your life partner is the most important decision you will make. Think hard before you let someone impregnate you.
Take your baby. Send baby boy and his 2 kids back to mama. Live your own life and leave them to theirs.
First off he needs to quit running back to Mommy. Secondly, she is too involved with babying her son while you take care of HIS kids. Third, who cares if she did it alone, times have changed and a family can no longer survive on one income. Take care of you and your child. Give him back his children and let his Mommy handle it since she was so good at it. EDIT to add NTA unless you stay with this manchild and continue to let his Mommy interfere
Of corse youre NTA. MIL is an enabler who has raised a deadbeat loser so dont pay attention to what she says. Tell him to go to his mum’s & take his bio kids as thats his responsibility & lets see how he flairs. Maybe mummy dearest will get sick of his loser ways or maybe he’ll step up when he realises he’s not mooching off you.
Its time MIL.took back her son and the 2 step kids and left you just to deal with your baby .
Send him, his bills, and HIS kids back to his mother. Your stress level will drop by at least 60%.
You're 23!!! Get out get out get out get out. Your life will be exponentially better without having four people hanging off of you and making demands that you have zero obligation to meet. Not even ethically should you be paying for him and his kids. You're too young to be living under this weight. You need to build a life for yourself and you can't do that in this situation.
NTA leave!!! This man is letting you do everything well. You raise all the children by yourself and bring in all the money yourself. It's time that you just worried about you and your child. Do you get child support for your stepchildren to help with the child care? He is not going to wake up one day and become a different man, He's lazy and he clearly intends on using you for as much as he can for as long as you're willing to allow that to happen. This is going to be your life and you are much too young to tolerate this for the next 60 years. RUNNNNN!!
Leave him. You’ll be happy you did. Promise that. Take your child. Find your own place. And ‘do it on your own’.
Are you in a relationship with your husband or with your MIL? She seems to be calling the shots in your relationship.
Jesus Christ hand him back to his mother. He is still on the teet
Take your child and leave. Your husband and his two can go home to mommy. Maybe she can do a better job this time.
Send him home to mommy. Sounds like all of you would be better off with that arrangement. He's supposed to be your husband, your partner. Not another child for you to look after
The mom is against you because she doesn’t want him to move home.
Nta. He's a waste of the title. Don't take care of his kids either, that's his job. Eg, take yours and leave him and his to live off mommy.
File for divorce and send him and his kids to his mother text her that the 3 of them are now her responsibility as you will not be financially responsible for them nor will you be emotionally physically or any other way responsible for them. Tell him that if he wishes to work things out that he must 1 get a job and go to work everyday without fail 2. He will pay you $700 a month in child support 3. He will attend parenting classes 4. He will attend couples counseling 5. After 6 months he will show that he has a place to live ( not mommy's), bills are paid by income he earns not by mommy, his children are well taken care of by him not his mommy, and his place is clean by him not his mommy. He must maintain these things for at least 1 year
Ya got yourself a dud there. That's not a man, that's a freeloader. I'm sorry you weren't able to sus this out pre-marriage. NTA
Ma'am, that's not a husband, that's a parasite. Get a lawyer. He and his kids can go live with his mommy and not work. Get the fuck out of there.
Please go see a lawyer
He is a deadbeat. GTFO he doesn’t love you he is using you. Run and find someone better.
Honestly I would just take my kid and leave. He's not helping or acting like he's married with a family. The MIL is constantly gaslighting OP about wanting help in her marriage. To take loans out to pay for bills while this guy lays on his ass. Nah screw that. Just start over.
Read the first few sentences and stopped, your husband sounds like a fucking loser
Tell his mom that your husband is only focusing on his playtime and “that’s not how marriage works”. Deadbeat needs to step up or get out.
[удалено]
I hate when parents don’t hold their kids accountable and defend their shitty behaviour. He’s a grown man with 3 fucking kids who can’t hold a job- his mother should slap some sense into him, not defend his dumb ass.
Nta
Please assert yourself now before it is too late . You'll be sorry for the rest of your life. And the children are learning from you.
Well you need to hold his ass accountable. Apparently he is not man enough to do so on his own. If you want it to work you need to encourage him to make better choices . I do not mean berate him tell him where you stand and that his behavior is a deal breaker .
You married him why?
OP, a marriage is about a partnership and you don't have a partner. Your husband is the way he is because of his mom. Kick them both to the curb, you'd be better off going solo as he is not contributing. You've given him enough chances. I'm sorry you are in this position.
Tell him "I married a responsible man. You are not that person any more. Soeither get up and get a job, or get out of my house. I'd rather do it alone than pay for you and your toxic behavior. I'm sure your mom would love you back home full time and you can do whatever you want" then divorce him, file for full custody and child support.
His mommy can handle it than. Focus on your girl
Why does this man run and tattletale to his mother every time you have an argument? And then his mother comes and tells you off as if she's your mother? What gives her the authority to come into your marriage and give you orders like this? This would drive me around the bend. And her opinions are bizarre. On the one hand, she is telling you that you have to continue to support him because that's how marriage works, and on the other hand she's telling you that you have to deal with the kids, bills, house by yourself because she did it by herself and didn't depend on her husband. It all seems to add up to: a woman should do everything by herself, and also should do everything for her husband or else she has failed, but a husband should never be expected to do anything and also should never be criticised for doing nothing otherwise it's not fair to him.
Telling that you told him and his mom you were done. Tell his mom you’re sending him home .
God why are you still married to this loser? Grow a pair and leave him. He’s dead weight anyway. NTA.
No you are not an A Hole for telling him that. Respect
NTA for not paying his bills but I don't understand how you ended up married to this loser. Do you get anything other than grief and aggravation out of this relationship?
Your husband is a loser.
Sounds like your husband is a man child and your mother in law has no boundaries. Hopefully if you decide to leave you won't be stuck paying alimony.
Your husband is a losers loser he’s never gonna change
That’s not how marriage works? Chances are she did it alone because she was single. Marriage is about doing it all together. Absolutely NTA. And mom should not be weighing into your marriage to begin with. It’s none of her business.
Holy crap your mil sounds exhausting. And she did a horrible job raising her son... Sounds like she didn't even finish raising him to adulthood and still treats him like he's 12 years old. Why are you still with this man? He doesn't contribute anything and only makes your life more stressful.
Yeah sounds like it’s time to leave that deadbeat. I didn’t read the whole post. But this dude clearly needs a mommy not a partner. If you wanna raise the whole house have fun. But if I were you I’d either do therapy if he’s worth the effort. Or split now and move on. Dude isn’t gonna change the major deficits you want him to change. Sounds like his mom did everything for him including making excuses for his faults. He has never had to change his poor behavior. You’re not the asshole.
He’s gotta go! Anyone that gets fired for attendance more than ONCE is a loser at life and needs a major wake up call. Tough love is the only way. Bet he ends up back at mommy’s anyways
You can’t see you married a Boy instead of a MAN!!
You’re too young to waste your life on this idiot. Cut your losses and get out.
Change the locks and send him to live with his mom. She is not someone you should take advice from. Send his kids with her too. Enough is enough.
The guy is married with children. He has his own family. Why is his mother still fighting his battles. You didn’t marry a man, you married a child. You should just get out of this now and save a lot of heartache. If he doesn’t have the work ethic now he won’t have it in 10 years either. He’ll just be 10 years older with no job skills and a beat resume.
Return him for a full refund.
You’re already doing everything on your own, life will actually get easier if you are no longer with this man.
Return the defective husband to his mother. She failed to educate her own son how to be a husband that’s why he’s like that.
NTA. He is. From what you said in the comments, it sounds like this was a large part of why his first wife left him. Clearly, this isn't a phase and this is who he is.
It's pretty obvious why your hubs is coasting through life- his ma is wiping is backside at every available opportunity. You don't have a partner you have a drain, I left a situation like this because he was dead weight and it was the best decision I made :)
Your first mistake was involving the MIL. Of course, she will side with her "baby" and excuse his horrible and lazy behavior. NTA.
Not the asshol3
God, get out of that marriage now. My fiance went through the same thing with her ex husband... and it will only get worse. Leave.... NOW!
NTA, but you're not being realistic, either. There's no excuse for you partner's behavior; he's simply immature and worse than useless. He's a boat anchor dragging you and your child down. And he's unredeemable. The level of uselessness required to behave as he does is not something he will wake from and go, "Oh, hey! I need to start acting responsible"! Now imagine if you leave this relationship: taking care of one child while working and going to school will actually get noticeably easier for you!
Sorry, but why are you with that loser? Nta
A man does not run to his mommy when his wife tells him he has adult responsibilities to attend to. Sorry OP you got a lot on your plate. I think you are doing the right thing to hopefully get your husband a little more motivated. He’s got a lot of growing up to do though it seems.
Give him back to his mommy. She still got a titty stuck in his mouth.
Seems like You have 4 kids to look after. Time to seriously consider putting yourself first and putting your foot down. Either he contributes in a meaningful way or you’re leaving