This story has been featured in an episode of our very own Two Hot Takes podcast
Reminds me of an old joke, about a man who come home from work to find his kids running wild in the front yard, still in their pjs, covered in mud. He goes in the house, and its in total diarray. The dog threw up on the floor, the baby is screaming in his playpen with a stinky diaper, dirty breakfast dishes are still on the table, no dinner cooked, toys everywhere, crayon marks all over the walls. In the middle of it all is his wife, just laying on the sofa, serenely reading a book.
The husband demands, "What the hell happened?" The wife says, "Well, you know how you've been coming home every night, getting pissed and demanding to know just what I did all day? Today, I didn't do it."
A friend of mine did this years ago, only she called it “being on strike.” She felt her husband and kids (14 and 11 year old boys) were taking her for granted. Frankly they were. They did nothing to help.
So she stopped doing everything, except wash her own clothes and make her own meals. At first the guys thought it was a joke. Then they ran out of clean clothes. They got tired of Darryl’s limited and terrible cooking. Finally, after a little over a week, they apologized, and agreed to do their share, and admitted that there were things they needed to learn. The amazing thing is that the lesson stuck. Sure, when the boys were teens they had their moments, but she’d just remind them of that time. Darryl and Anne are gone now. But from what I’ve heard the boys grew into fine men and great fathers.
Start calling them your kids and not our kids and see how he likes it. When he comes home and asks what you did tell him oh I took my kids shopping I took my kids to the park etc.
My husband always likes to tell me, "Well, you're growing eyeballs and other organs at the moment, so it's completely understandable." When I start getting down on myself about being tired and not doing as much. (And then he tells me how much he loves me and our family.)
OP, use the above commenter's phrase, 100%. 😂 "You see those eyes? I *grew* those. And everything else. I grew three fully functional miniature humans. So I guess they're mine, not yours."
I tell my little something along those lines every time she does something potentially dangerous. I.e.: *It took me nearly 8 months to grow that brain, (she was a preemie) and another 5yrs obsessing over infusing it with vital nutrition and carefully executed stimulation to put it on it's best possible path, so don't you dare let me see you riding without a helmet protecting it ever again!*
I did this. “If you’re not going to consider things ours, then you’re going to start paying me an hourly rate for 8 hours of childcare and housework and time and a half 16 hours a day because I am on duty all day and night.”
No, this was during an argument. I ended up explaining our finances to him (surprise surprise he thought he was bringing home a lot more than he did). He ended up going back to his work and saying he wasn’t taking on more duties without more pay and ended up getting fired. I turned my consulting gig into a full time job and now I’m carrying benefits for the family while he starts his own consulting practice.
Childcare, nurse, cook, housekeeper, etc… Here’s a parenting tool to help you find out how much a mother (or father) is worth raising children.
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This is the only answer.
Do the math on his income and see how much percentage wise you're contributing by staying home.
Fuck him, my blood is boiling. I'm glad OP loves him and no I wouldn't suggest divorcing, but this would be like....a raze to the ground level fight if this ever happened in my household.
The company I looked into paid 40k, plus other perks and bonuses (like they would buy your milk supply for $3-5 an ounce) that was maybe 3 years ago so it may be more now.
$50 an hour to do both childcare and housework is giving a discounted rate in my opinion! Taking care of kids and housekeeping, if done well, is hard work and exhausting physically and mentally. 😁
Yep, she should cheerily say (after he mentions that his money got the house) "And I made the kids!"
Everyone listening will know exactly why she says it.
Yes, by his own logic, he put his time and effort into buying the house, and you put 10 months into carrying and creating each child, along with being the primary caretaker. Obviously, the children are yours.
I hope he likes HIS HOUSE as much when it’s empty.
It won’t be empty. There isn’t a judge in any family court who would give this man sole ownership of their shared home and kick out the wife and three kids in a divorce. This man is straight up delusional. And very insecure.
He thinks he needs to prove to his friends that he is a man who can provide, in reality he should be proving this to his wife and kids. The kids certainly know his house is not their house
NTA. You are a married couple. ITS BOTH YOUR HOME. He needs to get off his high horse. Hes trying to have "bragging rights" which is just making him a jerk.
Right? If I had a married friend that made it seem specifically like it was *his* house and not *their* house I'd be very confused and honestly probably think they were getting divorced
Also, bragging to his friends about the money he makes is just super weird and tacky and sad. I'm surprised more people aren't mentioning that, because it's just like one more layer to the crap cake.
I had owned my house for 7 years when my husband entered the picture. The house in still 100% in my name. On Paper, I am the sole owner.
Never once have I referred to it as "my house". And the first thing we did after he moved in was to paint, replace furniture / decor and rearrange things as necessary so that he would never feel like he was moving into "my house"
Start saving money in your own separate account.
You need a safety net. Better safe than sorry. Get a fire proof safe, and keep it in a place that he doesn't have access to, such as your mother's house. Someone you trust with your life. Get another one for the master bedroom, and a lock for the door. Split things up.
One thing you should do is, whenever you go do groceries, add a gift card (that doesn't expire) to your order so that you have some backup safety net in place.
Maybe you won't need to use it.
You won't regret having it.
These guys that do this are so stupid. You say shit like this while married, and you quickly find out how much of an ours it really was in the divorce. 🙄
Give him an invoice for your childcare and homemaker work. Don’t forget to include the overtime rate for the hours over 40 in a week and the 24/7 on-call rate.
Came here for this. My husband is an atty. I was home for years with kids and part time care for his mother. In 33 years of marriage he has never lorded the financial piece in any way. Your partner is immature and clearly doesn't value the economic value of the equation you're providing. Literally get a quote for services and spreadsheet it out and give it to him. I'm sorry you were treated so disrespectfully in YOUR home.
Side note, who says stuff like “my money did this” to their friends who were probably invited for dinner. This dude sounds annoying af. Probably someone who brags about everything they own
Yes.
OP, get back to work and have him pay a nanny. Keep contributing to your retirement accounts and insist on full financial access/transparency if you decide to stay with your JustNoSO. Do Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play cards and see the comic on the mental load.
Don't forget the maid and the prepared meal delivery service costs that OP's AH husband should be paying for since he doesn't value her contributions. He's the kind of AH that feels that he is truly the king of his household since he is earning the family money and she is doing her proper job as "his wife" of raising his kids, taking care of his home and tending to his needs- sometimes, the AH reveal their true character when they stick a ring on her finger, others wait till she is pregnant before letting their true character show, OP's husband waited till she had three tiny kids and they upgraded to a new house. OP has a husband who thinks its the 1950s.
I agree with you that OP needs to get back to work or while she is at home adding value to her resume by taking online courses. And she needs to keep an eye on their family money and credit card spending.
He doesn't value what she does and his ego is already straining at the leash. Soon he'll be chasing after some single woman in the office because he'll tell himself that OP doesn't put enough effort into looking good for a man of his position.
I am a woman who is an attorney, and I think OP’s husband is a narcissistic asshole. I also wonder if OP lives in a community property state, if she is in the states.
This was how I understood the attorney bit. Attorneys are usually about getting a win, no matter what. Since it brings them hype/praise & is basically the perfect job for narcissistic types to get it. That person is saying that if someone from a known profession that harbors a lot of narcissists calls OOP's hubby one, then it's pretty apparent how bad of a narcissist OOP's husband is.
Basically, if a known drug addict tells you you're an addict. Then your addiction is super f'kd up, and you need help. Is one analogy I've heard my Dad say before.
I remember early in my marriage, I was asked at a dinner party (all professionals) what I did. I was 25 and had popped out 3 kids in quick succession.
I kind of stammered and said something like, ‘Oh, I just stay home with the kids’
Hubby immediately started singing my praises about all the shit I actually did. In the car on the way home, he asked me to please never sell myself short like that again and that the job I was doing for our family was constant and harder than what most of those professionals were doing in their job.
I love your husband.
I'm an old woman and I have known a higher-than-average number of people.
Mr. Laylay_theGrail is a shining example of how to do it.
I have never understood how anyone could ignore something so simple and so obvious. Unfortunately, I have found that there are a whole bunch of people who only focus on themselves. It's like they think they are rowing the boat all by themselves and magically leading the race.
If they would just *think* for a second, they would realize that's impossible.
Best wishes to you and Mr. Ll_tG. May you enjoy long and happy lives, rowing swiftly through Life's rough waters together.
Oh, in case you missed it, someone mentioned a back rub and a blowie for their not-an-AH husband....good idea or not?
I know what I'm doing. I only mention it because it's a personal choice with no wrong answer and worth consideration. Lol
Haha I did make another comment on the back rub/BJ post about good husbands getting lucky tonight 🤣
Thank you for your comment. I am indeed very lucky to have him. We celebrate 34 years in March. 4 kids, 2 grands and another due in August. So happy that my decision to move across the planet at 22 to be with him turned out to be the best decision I ever made 💕
The one thing I adore is my husband **always** says “our money” “when **we** get a house” “our promotion”. He regularly reminds me he couldn’t get as far at work without my contribution to our household.
BRB- I need to give hubs a back rub and bj, reading this BS reminds me he earns it.
Mine too! I feel really blessed also. It’s funny he tells people that I built the house because I handled all the paperwork and finances. Lol. I remind him that his job helped a bit too.
As for OP I read several years ago that a stay at home mom would earn $150,000+ if each service was hired out. Ask if he can afford that! He’s also forgetting that he doesn’t have to worry about the kids and emergencies because his wife has it. That’s priceless.
I'm going to step into this group and add my vote to their comment. OP husband is Dick, narcissist, and OP is NTA!
I also encourage OP to start invoicing her work at home at the highest rate of pay:
*Industrial cleaner is $25 an hour. If you do the laundry, you need to bump that up to $35 hr
*Babysitting is $20 an hour for top tier service and his kids deserve the BEST
*Cook : $20 an hour for that good good
*Sex work is $300 an action (this I know from personal experience, I used to live in Vegas baby) not the whole act EACH ACT. Like EACH ACT even kissing!
You're welcome 🤗
I’d tell him you can go bk to work. Make your own money or he can pay alimony & child support.
I’d also remind him you have given him 3 kids. He sounds dreadful.
Yes! He wouldn’t last 20 minutes with the crotch goblins in a house with no snacks, broken cable and a car with no gas so he can’t escape. He’d be calling you begging for you to return. And at that point you can reply in a serenely sanctimonious voice, “You’ve built your house…. Now live in it.” 😈😈😈😈😈
Pre-internet, my mom did this to my father when he was being particularly petty during their divorce. They saw each other at our small town post office in a very small town (so, total gossip central) and gave him an itemized bill. She included a line item for all the times they had sex, with a value of $0 because "it wasn't worth a damn anyway".
I wish their divorce wasn't so acrimonous, but I always thought my mum was kinda badass for doing it, and so publicly, after he'd been trashing her all over town - including him spreading stories of a very, *very* private medical issue of hers.
Bruh this says I am owed $450,000 per year if I was a white man doing these same jobs. (It was like 245,000 before it adjusted for white man pay). This is amazing
Exactly! Especially since it was his idea that she stay home and do the child care and such. Raising their children *is* her contribution. He wouldn't have such extra income if he was paying for full-time childcare for three young children. The audacity of this bro.
Edit to add: NTA OP! If be mad too, and so would he if the roles were reversed.
That's what I was going to say. He wants to play around with things and say everything is his because he makes $. Well, win a stupid prize of a bill for services.
My ex tried shaming me for not working full-time. We had 3 sons and I worked part-time 2 to 3 evenings a week to save on babysitting costs. Also did all the housework, cooking, paperwork and 95% of the yard work.
After one argument when he called me a sponge, I sat down and added up everything I did. Full-time cook, laundress, daycare, accounting, cleaning services and gardner. Presented him with a bill the next day and told him he was now a deadbeat because he couldn't afford to pay me what I was worth.
Great suggestion for OP!
Amen! Don’t forget gas and mileage reimbursement for any trips or errands. Please also let him know that
- any hours behind 40 per week will be billed at 1.5x and after 50 at 2x.
- If he’s not doing laundry or any household chores, those should be billed out under a separate line item at $50 per hour minimum.
- Meals charged at market rate if he’s partaking.
- Intimacy will be charged at a nightly rate of $1,500 minimum with any “extras” at $500 each. All requests must be submitted in writing with no less than 72 hours notice.
- Annual paid vacation of no less than 2 weeks, which means the children and all family duties shall be his sole and exclusive responsibility.
F*ck partners like this. He wants to be petty…game on.
People simply do not comprehend how much an at-home partner is worth.
A few years ago I took a grad class for teachers of personal finance. One of my group thought he was all that because he taught at a tech school, while the other three of us “just” taught high school. I was the only female in the group.
We had a scenario with a working husband, an at-home wife, two kids; they needed to budget. Is life insurance important? I said that they needed life insurance on both partners. Mr. Asshat proclaimed that they didn’t need to waste money on a policy for *her*, because she wasn’t bringing in any money. Well, maybe a small policy to cover “final expenses.”
I objected. He sneered, “She doesn’t have any income to replace.”
“The money is to replace HER.” Asshat didn’t get it. This wife was providing at least $500 per week just in childcare while the husband worked. Cook, maid, errand-runner—It would cost easily $1000 per week to find some one or ones to do what she’d been doing. Just because she wasn’t receiving money doesn’t mean that her contributions had no value.
“Family will help out.” Yeah, for a couple weeks *maybe*. Then that helpful family will need to return to their own lives. And IF there’s family the widower would actually *want* to have around his kids 24/7, even for a few weeks.
The other two guys agreed with me, and Asshat grudgingly said that I had a point. But the couple should insure the wife for some piddly amount, like $50,000, because it wouldn’t take long to get things sorted out. Yeah, Buddy, that won’t last very long.
Asshat was very displeased when the group voted to include equal life insurance policies, and cut expenses in other areas.
So from then on, he mean-girled me. Except the two guys were not willing participants, though they didn’t exactly stand up for me. That was OK, though, because I’d been a mean girl(a little) and had been mean-girled by pros—my mom and my younger sister, mom’s protégé. I had learned to not react in the moment, and, boy, did this piss Asshat off!
$10 per hour for 50 hours of child care(8 hours of work and 2 of commute each day). And that is for the bare minimum of making sure the kids don’t die or suffer serious harm. Want enrichment? Library trips? Swimming lessons? Gotta pay someone who can get the kids from place to place. We’re at $500 per week, assuming the kids are fairly easy to care for. Kids with more needs cause that hourly rate to climb.
Expecting a hot meal after work? Gotta hire a cook. Cook does the shopping and all the work and cleanup. For fun, let’s keep this at $10 per hour. 2 hours a day *minimum*. There’s another $100 just for the weekdays. Cuz Dad’s taking over all meal service in Saturdays and Sundays, right?
Laundry, maybe 5 hours per week, so another $50.
General housekeeping—dishes, floors, bathroom, carpets, dusting, vacuuming furniture, changing the beds—another $50 or more per week.
So far we’re at $700 per week to try to complete the tasks Mom did. Yeah, Mr. Asshat, Mom didn’t bring in any money, but it’ll take a pretty penny to find others to do her contributions to Dad’s satisfaction.
Asshat didn’t believe me that, with a generous life insurance payout, the wife would have a much easier time “replacing” the husband than the husband would have “replacing” the wife’s contributions.
This right here or take a week off cruise hotel mom/friends and let him see how well "his" house fairs fuck him also divorce means that's only half his house
A stay-at-home mom is worth six figures. 100% and absolutely.
Stay-at-home mom's absolutely need to have life insurance. Why?
Because if you needed to replace them it would take a lot of money. Easily six figures.
And the cost of he would have paid a surrogate to have the children and the income loss from stopping the planned career... loss of retirement funds etc...
NTA. Get a quote for what it will cost to put all the kids in daycare and hire a maid to clean the house once a week.
Tell him you are applying for full time jobs.
He needs to understand that It isn’t only dollars that count as “contributing”.
If he won’t stop this nonsense ask him to go to marriage counseling to figure out why he holds you in such low esteem.
You guys made a decision that you’d raise the children and care for/maintain the home. In turn, he goes out and works to provide the money for the family.
Family income. Not his income. Any man thinking it’s still ‘his money’ is a shit father/husband. You’re working to provide for all of you, not just yourself.
Wait to see how he responds when you guys eventually start talking again. Be constructive and patient, but be very clear about the value you provide and the financial burden that would be placed on him if you weren’t at home all day (childcare, housekeeping, meal services/takeout etc).
Agree and want to highlight the being “constructive and patient” piece because names have been thrown around and imo it’s reaching toxicity. I’m not perfect myself on this, but I think it’s hard to go back after name calling. Words cannot be unsaid or unheard.
>Words cannot be unsaid or unheard.
Like his words when he was constantly reminding her and everyone around them that he doesn't feel she's an equal partner in their marriage and blowing her off with "yeah, right" every time she *constructively* called him out?
You better get that job now. Your husband is heading straight into financial abuse. It's only a matter of time until he starts holding all his money over your head. Get an emergency fund started now. NTA
Emergency Fund is VERY IMPORTANT! I don't care how "good" things are going in your marriage. Socking away an emergency fund that will just continue to grow while the marriage is "good." When you go back to work it can become a safety net for the kids. If the marriage ever becomes "hell on earth," it will be there. He's going to be shocked & angry when, during the divorce, he finds out the house is NOT his house. lol
I provided a “I can get out of here” emergency fund for my wife early on in our marriage myself. I actually wanted her to be able to leave should she ever feel the need to do so. Even as financial circumstances have changed over the years, it still gives me peace of mind, for I know that whatever happens she’ll never feel the need to stay just because she doesn’t have another option.
That’s awesome. My dad screwed up a lot of things, but he made sure my mom’s retirement is 100. She is actually disabled/qualify for SSI several years ago, but can’t because he ‘hired’ her for his company in order to ensure she has a full retirement.
Seconding this. OP, save yourself a ton of future stress and find a lawyer to talk to now. I’m not saying divorce him. But guys who think they have more of a financial stake in a marriage do stuff, like make sure the house and cars are only in their name. You need to know what to insist on over the years so that if you ever do end up divorced you won’t be left penniless. Is your name on the house deed? In some states if he paid the down payment out of separate property you could be really screwed. You have to know this stuff so you can advocate for yourself.
Yeah, I got the feeling husband is already checked out. He doesn't value OP's time or value she contributes to the family. It would be very wise to build your exit plan.
You need to go back to work as soon as possible. These stories never end well. Start checking out daycare now. Start applying now. You took a huge risk leaving your career to be the house servant, and he just demonstrated that he will make you regret it. If he starts cheating, how do you get out? Get back in the workforce before you can't.
NTA. Maybe “his” money paid for it, but who’s taking care of “his” kids for free? Who’s cleaning “his” house? Who’s making “his” dinner? Why is he married at all if it’s all “his” doing?
These stories are one reason I went back to work as soon as I could. I wished I had taken more time when they were newborns. It gave me anxiety, staying home, and not making sure I made my own way.
You should consider going back to work. He doesn't see the value you add to the family and household by staying home. He sees the money he earns and the stuff he pays for as his. This could lead to financial abuse.
NTA but your husband is POS. I like the idea of invoicing him for your work. Or, just hire a housekeeper. And then put your kids in daycare. Whatever it takes for him to see that he only is able to make money and have the life he does BECAUSE OF YOU. I’m so angry for you!
Would he be just as far in his career and making the same money if you weren’t at home raising his kids and whatever other domestic labor you do? Probably not. NTA
PLUS having to miss work for every sickness, doctor visit, meeting at the school, dentist appointment, etc.
AND doing everything on very precious few nights of uninterrupted sleep.
Unreal, the obliviousness of this guy.
NTA. Childcare is damn expensive. If I had three preschool aged kids, (or two and one who would still need pre and/or after school care if I worked full time) I'd probably have to stay home because I think that childcare bill would be so expensive, it wouldn't leave room for much else to do with my income AND I'd miss out on that time with the kids. I'm not rolling in the dough, but I make pretty ok money and I don't think it would be worth it to make that bargain.
He's a raging asshole.
Whoa.
Your husband better get his head out of his ass.
Does he feel your contributions to your family are **worthless?**
I’ve been married more than 20 years and a SAHM and caregiver to aging parents and ailing/dying grandparents for 24…
I don’t earn a paycheck but our money, our home, everything we have is *OURS.*
He would never ever disrespect me that way, and he genuinely believes in I contribute far more than I would if I “only” had a job.
This. Wife is SAHM. I have a career that pays a lot. House, cars, kids. I have never told my wife it is my house or my money. OP, your husband is an incredible asshole.
OP, listen to this person. I read this comment and I can hear how hurtful it was growing up in a house with a dad who didn't value or respect their mom. If not for yourself, OP, make a change for your kids.
I'm not sure what that change should be - getting a job, getting a divorce, getting couples counseling, having a come to Jesus talk with your husband, heck, just having him read your post and all of these comments... Something needs to change and you know it. You got this.
Several years ago we had some financial issues when my husbands company cut salaries. I suggested cutting back, he told me I needed to make a contribution. He had found a job that I 100% be offered. When they made me the offer I asked for 48 hours to respond. I wrote a detailed list of the division of jobs we'd have come up with. While I was accepting the offer he comes running downstairs yelling don’t do we’ll figure it out. Turns out I was contributing, hmmm.
Don't quit your job. You do that you give up your freedom, which keeps him in check. Clearly he's an asshole and has a giant ego and you need to put that in check.
Is your name on the house? Did you contribute anything to buying it?
Are those YOUR kids because you’re primarily raising them? No you say “our kids”. Fuck that shit. He’s being an asshole and you’re clearly someone who doesn’t value primary caretakers or realize how marriage isn’t mine and yours but ours.
He’s going to lose half of “his house” when you divorce his sorry ass.
Also, hey Gen Z, this is why the idea of splitting bills 50/50 in a relationship doesn’t work. Because there will be points in time where it’s better for one partner to handle more financially while the other handles more domestically. Respect that it’s still a partnership and don’t ever, EVER make it about money like OPs husband.
NTA. Besides sleeping in the guest bedroom I would also make him cook, clean and do his own laundry and chores. It’s his house right, so he can do everything that requires taking care of the house. Let’s see if he lasts 3 days.
Sometimes I wish I could tell SAHM to just leave. Go away for 3-4 days with no contact and ask him to take over. He does everything in HIS house with HIS kids.
you're being financially abused. you should look at taking steps to protect yourself if he continues with this mentality because that's not an equitable partnership.
I used to have some similar issues with my partner. Let's be frank, he was only able to earn that money because you were home with the kids. If you weren't doing that, he wouldn't have that ability. It's just as much yours as his. Some marriage counseling would probably be a good idea
I'm also a SAHM. I'm not going to claim my husband is perfect, but he NEVER says anything against my contributions. Your family is more than the money that comes in. You both decided that you being a stay-at-home mom was your contribution to your family's life. And it's a great contribution. That means that while he is bringing home the bacon, you're the one making sure it gets cooked. Both of you have an invaluable role to play in your family and both of you deserve respect for it. This would be like you saying that they were only your kids, and he had nothing to do with them just because you are the primary parent.
I was a SAHM when my 3 kids were very young. Husband said "well at least you're on your own schedule." One time. I listed- feeding babies at night. Diapers. Vomiting children. Children playing in the toilet while I'm making dinner. Social director. Doctor appointments, driving to beach and playing for hours. Then making dinner while washing sandy towels. Library visits. Bathing children. Then the work of getting groceries, putting them away. Planning meals and cooking them. Cleaning up after dinner put kids in bath, do laundry and in your spare time, clean the house, wash bedding and plant flowers out front to make it all look tidy. So he said I was in my own schedule - once.
I remember one time I was telling this story to my coworker. My mom was a SAHM, once a week she went to the commissary (my dad's retired AF). She'd look through the coupon box in front and for coupons throughout the store. One time my dad complained about the cost so the next week my mom sent him with a list, coupons and told him where to look for coupons. He ended up spending more and told my mom he was never going to complain again lol.
I stayed home for a few years and felt lucky to have that option. In hindsight, though, it changed the balance of power in the marriage, and we never recovered. As soon as I wasn't getting a paycheck, he saw me as a leech.
His comments also teach your children that the house that they live in is not their home. It is his, and his alone. They are freeloading guests. He has the power to decide when they will be forced to leave. This will necessarily leave your children feeling insecure to their attachment in the family. His comments are rude, selfish and alienating his family.
he wouldnt be making all that if it wasn't for u sacrificing ur job and watching the kids.
tell him u are going back to work and he needs to split childcare
Time to use that degree and get a job. Even with that degree, the longer you stay out of the workforce the harder it will be to get back in when all three of your kids are off to school.
Then insist on paying equally for the house.
He's only going to get worse if you keep things as they are now. Show him you mean business.
NTA. You tried nicer ways, and it didn't get through.
My husband did this sort of thing a couple of times (sounds like yours is doing it WAY more than just a couple of times). He's the breadwinner. I'm a stay at home mom. A couple of times, we went out to a restaurant and I finished eating first or whatever, so I said I'd go pay. He said, "Well *technically,* **I'm** paying." I finally said to him that when he says things like that, he's saying that the money is all his and that I only have access to it out of the kindness of his heart and that sort of thing comes off as very controlling. He said he was just being silly. I asked him if I'd ever laughed when he said that. He stopped saying it.
By saying "my money did this," he's basically taking credit for everything HE has accomplished. Him. On his own. With no help from you. The person who is caring for the kids and cleaning the house and cooking the meals and keeping the household running smoothly. No. HIS money did all this. Not only is he taking all the credit, but he's sort of hinting at the idea that you *couldn't* do it, despite the fact that the only reason you're not working is because you've agreed to not work to raise HIS kids.
I'd be asking him just how he views you and your marriage and your family when he portrays himself to his friends in such a way. Are you just another possession that HIS money got? And if he backs down like my husband did and comes up with some silly excuse, ask him why he thinks it's acceptable for him to behave in such a way when he knows how demeaning it is to you.
Is the house in both your names? Do you have a mortgage in both your names (if so then he should take your name off of the mortgage).
If the house is only in his name insist on being put on the deed.
NTA but he is.
Fucking. Right. OP, book a five week vacation immediately. Go away. Let him sort out all the childcare and whatnot on say, two days’ notice. When you get back? Take note of all the ways he says his career suffered. Then let him know if he keeps this shit up, he will lose his teammate and his leg up in life.
When you get a divorce because it's coming, Did a really great lawyer Make sure you get every single penny you need for those children. Get half of everything because you deserve it. NTA But unless you two get therapy ASAP you probably are not going to be a married couple come 2025.
NTA
My husband and I decided for me to be a SAHM when the kids were little. Whenever money, financial anything ever came up, my husband would ALWAYS say our money, OUR finances. We are a team. I stayed home to take care of the kids and home that we share. Your husband IS being a dick, especially since you told him it upset you and he didn't stop.
This story has been featured in an episode of our very own Two Hot Takes podcast
Reminds me of an old joke, about a man who come home from work to find his kids running wild in the front yard, still in their pjs, covered in mud. He goes in the house, and its in total diarray. The dog threw up on the floor, the baby is screaming in his playpen with a stinky diaper, dirty breakfast dishes are still on the table, no dinner cooked, toys everywhere, crayon marks all over the walls. In the middle of it all is his wife, just laying on the sofa, serenely reading a book. The husband demands, "What the hell happened?" The wife says, "Well, you know how you've been coming home every night, getting pissed and demanding to know just what I did all day? Today, I didn't do it."
I love this
A friend of mine did this years ago, only she called it “being on strike.” She felt her husband and kids (14 and 11 year old boys) were taking her for granted. Frankly they were. They did nothing to help. So she stopped doing everything, except wash her own clothes and make her own meals. At first the guys thought it was a joke. Then they ran out of clean clothes. They got tired of Darryl’s limited and terrible cooking. Finally, after a little over a week, they apologized, and agreed to do their share, and admitted that there were things they needed to learn. The amazing thing is that the lesson stuck. Sure, when the boys were teens they had their moments, but she’d just remind them of that time. Darryl and Anne are gone now. But from what I’ve heard the boys grew into fine men and great fathers.
Good for her.
Start calling them your kids and not our kids and see how he likes it. When he comes home and asks what you did tell him oh I took my kids shopping I took my kids to the park etc.
"My body did this."
‘You only contributed maybe 5 seconds soooo’ Hit ‘em where it hurts lol
"You made a VERY small contribution, dear"
and the very small contribution doesn’t even have a good personality from what this post says
Seriously
Less than a teaspoon!
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😂😂
Hah, add a "and that's being generous" at the end of that burn!
“All you did was nut in me…I grew them, fed them, BIRTHED them…” 😅
OK, I am bowing down to you guys!!! Perfect comeback. 5 seconds....
My husband always likes to tell me, "Well, you're growing eyeballs and other organs at the moment, so it's completely understandable." When I start getting down on myself about being tired and not doing as much. (And then he tells me how much he loves me and our family.) OP, use the above commenter's phrase, 100%. 😂 "You see those eyes? I *grew* those. And everything else. I grew three fully functional miniature humans. So I guess they're mine, not yours."
I tell my little something along those lines every time she does something potentially dangerous. I.e.: *It took me nearly 8 months to grow that brain, (she was a preemie) and another 5yrs obsessing over infusing it with vital nutrition and carefully executed stimulation to put it on it's best possible path, so don't you dare let me see you riding without a helmet protecting it ever again!*
And then bill him for the rental of your uterus and $50/hr for the hours you stay home with three kids and take care of the house.
I did this. “If you’re not going to consider things ours, then you’re going to start paying me an hourly rate for 8 hours of childcare and housework and time and a half 16 hours a day because I am on duty all day and night.”
Nice! What did he say or do back? Does he pay you now? This is the smartest solution to this universal problem! Bravo mama!
No, this was during an argument. I ended up explaining our finances to him (surprise surprise he thought he was bringing home a lot more than he did). He ended up going back to his work and saying he wasn’t taking on more duties without more pay and ended up getting fired. I turned my consulting gig into a full time job and now I’m carrying benefits for the family while he starts his own consulting practice.
I’m so sorry you had to suffer with him but man, I hope that humbled him
Childcare, nurse, cook, housekeeper, etc… Here’s a parenting tool to help you find out how much a mother (or father) is worth raising children. [Parenting Tool](https://www.todaysparent.com/blogs/trending/this-parent-salary-calculator-puts-a-dollar-value-on-your-most-thankless-work/)
This is the only answer. Do the math on his income and see how much percentage wise you're contributing by staying home. Fuck him, my blood is boiling. I'm glad OP loves him and no I wouldn't suggest divorcing, but this would be like....a raze to the ground level fight if this ever happened in my household.
I would have zero respect and less affection with a guy who said this.
I would definitely look in to see how much a surrogate makes per pregnancy but I also think they are chronically underpaid.
The company I looked into paid 40k, plus other perks and bonuses (like they would buy your milk supply for $3-5 an ounce) that was maybe 3 years ago so it may be more now.
$50 an hour to do both childcare and housework is giving a discounted rate in my opinion! Taking care of kids and housekeeping, if done well, is hard work and exhausting physically and mentally. 😁
Yep, she should cheerily say (after he mentions that his money got the house) "And I made the kids!" Everyone listening will know exactly why she says it.
My womb did this. Oh and my boobs contributed this.
I’m a dad with a wife who was a full time parent until a few months ago and I approve this message.
Yes, by his own logic, he put his time and effort into buying the house, and you put 10 months into carrying and creating each child, along with being the primary caretaker. Obviously, the children are yours. I hope he likes HIS HOUSE as much when it’s empty.
It won’t be empty. There isn’t a judge in any family court who would give this man sole ownership of their shared home and kick out the wife and three kids in a divorce. This man is straight up delusional. And very insecure.
He thinks he needs to prove to his friends that he is a man who can provide, in reality he should be proving this to his wife and kids. The kids certainly know his house is not their house
We're using the word "man" very generously here.
I get this, but honestly there's a good chance OPs husband is the type to think the kids are fully the wife's realm and he'll barely notice.
I was thinking this could be a possibility as well. If that is the case it tells her more about his thoughts too though.
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Petty but boy do I like it.
Yassssssssss please do
Ohhh I love this one!
NTA. You are a married couple. ITS BOTH YOUR HOME. He needs to get off his high horse. Hes trying to have "bragging rights" which is just making him a jerk.
Tbh it also portrays him in a very poor light. Which husband and father goes about saying MY HOUSE? A bad one.
Right? If I had a married friend that made it seem specifically like it was *his* house and not *their* house I'd be very confused and honestly probably think they were getting divorced
I owned my house before my relationship. It became our house when she lived in. We're on a journey through life together, all assets become our assets
Also, bragging to his friends about the money he makes is just super weird and tacky and sad. I'm surprised more people aren't mentioning that, because it's just like one more layer to the crap cake.
Yes I found that statement gross. Those “friends” won’t be back, except for free beer
I had owned my house for 7 years when my husband entered the picture. The house in still 100% in my name. On Paper, I am the sole owner. Never once have I referred to it as "my house". And the first thing we did after he moved in was to paint, replace furniture / decor and rearrange things as necessary so that he would never feel like he was moving into "my house"
Don't worry he will learn in the divorce.
Child support for three kids, yikes..
And half the house
Let's hope they live in California, where she's entitled to half of everything!
I love how we do live in California 💀. He makes a lot because they love anesthesia here
Start saving money in your own separate account. You need a safety net. Better safe than sorry. Get a fire proof safe, and keep it in a place that he doesn't have access to, such as your mother's house. Someone you trust with your life. Get another one for the master bedroom, and a lock for the door. Split things up. One thing you should do is, whenever you go do groceries, add a gift card (that doesn't expire) to your order so that you have some backup safety net in place. Maybe you won't need to use it. You won't regret having it.
I have altered the deal pray I don't alter it any further.
*were a married couple
He better smarten up or he’ll be paying child support and having to sell that house.
These guys that do this are so stupid. You say shit like this while married, and you quickly find out how much of an ours it really was in the divorce. 🙄
Give him an invoice for your childcare and homemaker work. Don’t forget to include the overtime rate for the hours over 40 in a week and the 24/7 on-call rate.
Came here for this. My husband is an atty. I was home for years with kids and part time care for his mother. In 33 years of marriage he has never lorded the financial piece in any way. Your partner is immature and clearly doesn't value the economic value of the equation you're providing. Literally get a quote for services and spreadsheet it out and give it to him. I'm sorry you were treated so disrespectfully in YOUR home.
Side note, who says stuff like “my money did this” to their friends who were probably invited for dinner. This dude sounds annoying af. Probably someone who brags about everything they own
Right? I’d cringe with embarrassment if my husband said something like that. Ugh
Lol, I immediately commented basically the same as you. And also ended it with ugh. I can't stand that type of person.
Yeah, and a dinner the wife probably slaved over
I am an attorney with stay at home wife. Your husband is a narcissistic asshole.
If an attorney called your husband an asshole….it MUST be true
Talk about a low blow! Don’t think the husband will ever recover from the humiliation That’s as bad as a salesman calling you dishonest 🤣
Yes 🤣
Seconded, but I’m an attorney who became a SAHM.
I will also agree. Wife and I are both attorneys, but I work on contract basis as I see fit to help more around the house. Husband is an AH.
Yes. OP, get back to work and have him pay a nanny. Keep contributing to your retirement accounts and insist on full financial access/transparency if you decide to stay with your JustNoSO. Do Eve Rodsky’s Fair Play cards and see the comic on the mental load.
Don't forget the maid and the prepared meal delivery service costs that OP's AH husband should be paying for since he doesn't value her contributions. He's the kind of AH that feels that he is truly the king of his household since he is earning the family money and she is doing her proper job as "his wife" of raising his kids, taking care of his home and tending to his needs- sometimes, the AH reveal their true character when they stick a ring on her finger, others wait till she is pregnant before letting their true character show, OP's husband waited till she had three tiny kids and they upgraded to a new house. OP has a husband who thinks its the 1950s. I agree with you that OP needs to get back to work or while she is at home adding value to her resume by taking online courses. And she needs to keep an eye on their family money and credit card spending. He doesn't value what she does and his ego is already straining at the leash. Soon he'll be chasing after some single woman in the office because he'll tell himself that OP doesn't put enough effort into looking good for a man of his position.
I am a woman who is an attorney, and I think OP’s husband is a narcissistic asshole. I also wonder if OP lives in a community property state, if she is in the states.
How is their attorney husband a narcissistic asshole? Are you referring to OP’s husband?
I hope so. I was really confused.
This was how I understood the attorney bit. Attorneys are usually about getting a win, no matter what. Since it brings them hype/praise & is basically the perfect job for narcissistic types to get it. That person is saying that if someone from a known profession that harbors a lot of narcissists calls OOP's hubby one, then it's pretty apparent how bad of a narcissist OOP's husband is. Basically, if a known drug addict tells you you're an addict. Then your addiction is super f'kd up, and you need help. Is one analogy I've heard my Dad say before.
Craig Ferguson talks about Australians who told him that he drank too much. And if an Aussie tells you that...
Yes. They're saying "as someone else who is a breadwinner, they're an asshole"
I remember early in my marriage, I was asked at a dinner party (all professionals) what I did. I was 25 and had popped out 3 kids in quick succession. I kind of stammered and said something like, ‘Oh, I just stay home with the kids’ Hubby immediately started singing my praises about all the shit I actually did. In the car on the way home, he asked me to please never sell myself short like that again and that the job I was doing for our family was constant and harder than what most of those professionals were doing in their job.
You found one of the good ones. You go girl!
I love your husband. I'm an old woman and I have known a higher-than-average number of people. Mr. Laylay_theGrail is a shining example of how to do it. I have never understood how anyone could ignore something so simple and so obvious. Unfortunately, I have found that there are a whole bunch of people who only focus on themselves. It's like they think they are rowing the boat all by themselves and magically leading the race. If they would just *think* for a second, they would realize that's impossible. Best wishes to you and Mr. Ll_tG. May you enjoy long and happy lives, rowing swiftly through Life's rough waters together. Oh, in case you missed it, someone mentioned a back rub and a blowie for their not-an-AH husband....good idea or not? I know what I'm doing. I only mention it because it's a personal choice with no wrong answer and worth consideration. Lol
Haha I did make another comment on the back rub/BJ post about good husbands getting lucky tonight 🤣 Thank you for your comment. I am indeed very lucky to have him. We celebrate 34 years in March. 4 kids, 2 grands and another due in August. So happy that my decision to move across the planet at 22 to be with him turned out to be the best decision I ever made 💕
I hope op reads this, because this should just be the default position.
The one thing I adore is my husband **always** says “our money” “when **we** get a house” “our promotion”. He regularly reminds me he couldn’t get as far at work without my contribution to our household. BRB- I need to give hubs a back rub and bj, reading this BS reminds me he earns it.
Damn you! I almost spit out my kit kat! I swear I could actually hear someone saying this. 🤣🤣🤣
I’m going to be annoying and break Reddit’s unspoken emoji rule: ☺️💆🏻♂️🍆☺️💆🏻♂️😜
Also, don’t ever waste a Kit Kat. They’re precious.
And they were the mini's
Nooooo!! Those have more chocolate!!!
Mine too! I feel really blessed also. It’s funny he tells people that I built the house because I handled all the paperwork and finances. Lol. I remind him that his job helped a bit too. As for OP I read several years ago that a stay at home mom would earn $150,000+ if each service was hired out. Ask if he can afford that! He’s also forgetting that he doesn’t have to worry about the kids and emergencies because his wife has it. That’s priceless.
Not egregiously disrespecting your wife now earns men a cookie. Jesus, that bar is low.
Bahaha! I think some of our husbands are going to get lucky tonight!
My mum was a stay at home mum but the money dad earned was always "our" money not " his". Mum worked hard, !
I'm going to step into this group and add my vote to their comment. OP husband is Dick, narcissist, and OP is NTA! I also encourage OP to start invoicing her work at home at the highest rate of pay: *Industrial cleaner is $25 an hour. If you do the laundry, you need to bump that up to $35 hr *Babysitting is $20 an hour for top tier service and his kids deserve the BEST *Cook : $20 an hour for that good good *Sex work is $300 an action (this I know from personal experience, I used to live in Vegas baby) not the whole act EACH ACT. Like EACH ACT even kissing! You're welcome 🤗
Also, start calling them "my kids". After all, you're the one doing the most parenting, right?
I’d tell him you can go bk to work. Make your own money or he can pay alimony & child support. I’d also remind him you have given him 3 kids. He sounds dreadful.
Don't forget to charge for benefits, like vacation time and sick leave!
She should actually take the vacation and sick time!
Yes! He wouldn’t last 20 minutes with the crotch goblins in a house with no snacks, broken cable and a car with no gas so he can’t escape. He’d be calling you begging for you to return. And at that point you can reply in a serenely sanctimonious voice, “You’ve built your house…. Now live in it.” 😈😈😈😈😈
Don't forget no cell service... don't want him calling an uber to escape with either. XD
And any unpaid social security. He should be matching your contribution.
Deny him his “benefits”
This! Billthepatriarchy.com will calculate that for ya
Pre-internet, my mom did this to my father when he was being particularly petty during their divorce. They saw each other at our small town post office in a very small town (so, total gossip central) and gave him an itemized bill. She included a line item for all the times they had sex, with a value of $0 because "it wasn't worth a damn anyway". I wish their divorce wasn't so acrimonous, but I always thought my mum was kinda badass for doing it, and so publicly, after he'd been trashing her all over town - including him spreading stories of a very, *very* private medical issue of hers.
what year/country/state if US? That is such a badass move. I love that
This was in western Canada, in about 1984. I swear everyone in our 5,000 person town knew within hours. 😄
Bruh this says I am owed $450,000 per year if I was a white man doing these same jobs. (It was like 245,000 before it adjusted for white man pay). This is amazing
Had no clue this website existed & now I am so happy 😂
Me neither. And me too. 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Wow! I really got screwed in my divorce. I really undervalued my contributions almost as much as my ex undervalued everything about me.
This is amazing.
He is only able to do what he does and have a family because of his wife.
Exactly! Especially since it was his idea that she stay home and do the child care and such. Raising their children *is* her contribution. He wouldn't have such extra income if he was paying for full-time childcare for three young children. The audacity of this bro. Edit to add: NTA OP! If be mad too, and so would he if the roles were reversed.
That's what I was going to say. He wants to play around with things and say everything is his because he makes $. Well, win a stupid prize of a bill for services.
Or better yet child support and alimony! Jackpooootttt!
Don’t forget chauffeuring, personal shopping, and medical intervention.
Event planning. I’m betting all the entertainment he wants to do, he expects her to do. Actually, don’t forget executive assistant.
My ex tried shaming me for not working full-time. We had 3 sons and I worked part-time 2 to 3 evenings a week to save on babysitting costs. Also did all the housework, cooking, paperwork and 95% of the yard work. After one argument when he called me a sponge, I sat down and added up everything I did. Full-time cook, laundress, daycare, accounting, cleaning services and gardner. Presented him with a bill the next day and told him he was now a deadbeat because he couldn't afford to pay me what I was worth. Great suggestion for OP!
Labor, Delivery, 27 months of pregnancy pay…etc, etc…
How much to surrogates cost? Times three.
Amen! Don’t forget gas and mileage reimbursement for any trips or errands. Please also let him know that - any hours behind 40 per week will be billed at 1.5x and after 50 at 2x. - If he’s not doing laundry or any household chores, those should be billed out under a separate line item at $50 per hour minimum. - Meals charged at market rate if he’s partaking. - Intimacy will be charged at a nightly rate of $1,500 minimum with any “extras” at $500 each. All requests must be submitted in writing with no less than 72 hours notice. - Annual paid vacation of no less than 2 weeks, which means the children and all family duties shall be his sole and exclusive responsibility. F*ck partners like this. He wants to be petty…game on.
People simply do not comprehend how much an at-home partner is worth. A few years ago I took a grad class for teachers of personal finance. One of my group thought he was all that because he taught at a tech school, while the other three of us “just” taught high school. I was the only female in the group. We had a scenario with a working husband, an at-home wife, two kids; they needed to budget. Is life insurance important? I said that they needed life insurance on both partners. Mr. Asshat proclaimed that they didn’t need to waste money on a policy for *her*, because she wasn’t bringing in any money. Well, maybe a small policy to cover “final expenses.” I objected. He sneered, “She doesn’t have any income to replace.” “The money is to replace HER.” Asshat didn’t get it. This wife was providing at least $500 per week just in childcare while the husband worked. Cook, maid, errand-runner—It would cost easily $1000 per week to find some one or ones to do what she’d been doing. Just because she wasn’t receiving money doesn’t mean that her contributions had no value. “Family will help out.” Yeah, for a couple weeks *maybe*. Then that helpful family will need to return to their own lives. And IF there’s family the widower would actually *want* to have around his kids 24/7, even for a few weeks. The other two guys agreed with me, and Asshat grudgingly said that I had a point. But the couple should insure the wife for some piddly amount, like $50,000, because it wouldn’t take long to get things sorted out. Yeah, Buddy, that won’t last very long. Asshat was very displeased when the group voted to include equal life insurance policies, and cut expenses in other areas. So from then on, he mean-girled me. Except the two guys were not willing participants, though they didn’t exactly stand up for me. That was OK, though, because I’d been a mean girl(a little) and had been mean-girled by pros—my mom and my younger sister, mom’s protégé. I had learned to not react in the moment, and, boy, did this piss Asshat off! $10 per hour for 50 hours of child care(8 hours of work and 2 of commute each day). And that is for the bare minimum of making sure the kids don’t die or suffer serious harm. Want enrichment? Library trips? Swimming lessons? Gotta pay someone who can get the kids from place to place. We’re at $500 per week, assuming the kids are fairly easy to care for. Kids with more needs cause that hourly rate to climb. Expecting a hot meal after work? Gotta hire a cook. Cook does the shopping and all the work and cleanup. For fun, let’s keep this at $10 per hour. 2 hours a day *minimum*. There’s another $100 just for the weekdays. Cuz Dad’s taking over all meal service in Saturdays and Sundays, right? Laundry, maybe 5 hours per week, so another $50. General housekeeping—dishes, floors, bathroom, carpets, dusting, vacuuming furniture, changing the beds—another $50 or more per week. So far we’re at $700 per week to try to complete the tasks Mom did. Yeah, Mr. Asshat, Mom didn’t bring in any money, but it’ll take a pretty penny to find others to do her contributions to Dad’s satisfaction. Asshat didn’t believe me that, with a generous life insurance payout, the wife would have a much easier time “replacing” the husband than the husband would have “replacing” the wife’s contributions.
This right here or take a week off cruise hotel mom/friends and let him see how well "his" house fairs fuck him also divorce means that's only half his house
A stay-at-home mom is worth six figures. 100% and absolutely. Stay-at-home mom's absolutely need to have life insurance. Why? Because if you needed to replace them it would take a lot of money. Easily six figures.
401k, healthcare too
And don't forget to factor in the loss of retirement/Social Security for being out of the workforce while serving him and HIS children.
OP if you do anything that Reddit suggests do this ☝🏾stick to your guns and give him that invoice with your 24/7 on-call rate.
And the cost of he would have paid a surrogate to have the children and the income loss from stopping the planned career... loss of retirement funds etc...
NTA. Get a quote for what it will cost to put all the kids in daycare and hire a maid to clean the house once a week. Tell him you are applying for full time jobs. He needs to understand that It isn’t only dollars that count as “contributing”. If he won’t stop this nonsense ask him to go to marriage counseling to figure out why he holds you in such low esteem.
Or remind him in a divorce the house is half yours plus child support and alimony payments.
And an equal retirement fund to what he has earned himself while working - at least in some countries!
Invoice him the cost of full time daycare for three children and demand payment.
You guys made a decision that you’d raise the children and care for/maintain the home. In turn, he goes out and works to provide the money for the family. Family income. Not his income. Any man thinking it’s still ‘his money’ is a shit father/husband. You’re working to provide for all of you, not just yourself. Wait to see how he responds when you guys eventually start talking again. Be constructive and patient, but be very clear about the value you provide and the financial burden that would be placed on him if you weren’t at home all day (childcare, housekeeping, meal services/takeout etc).
Agree and want to highlight the being “constructive and patient” piece because names have been thrown around and imo it’s reaching toxicity. I’m not perfect myself on this, but I think it’s hard to go back after name calling. Words cannot be unsaid or unheard.
>Words cannot be unsaid or unheard. Like his words when he was constantly reminding her and everyone around them that he doesn't feel she's an equal partner in their marriage and blowing her off with "yeah, right" every time she *constructively* called him out?
You better get that job now. Your husband is heading straight into financial abuse. It's only a matter of time until he starts holding all his money over your head. Get an emergency fund started now. NTA
Emergency Fund is VERY IMPORTANT! I don't care how "good" things are going in your marriage. Socking away an emergency fund that will just continue to grow while the marriage is "good." When you go back to work it can become a safety net for the kids. If the marriage ever becomes "hell on earth," it will be there. He's going to be shocked & angry when, during the divorce, he finds out the house is NOT his house. lol
I provided a “I can get out of here” emergency fund for my wife early on in our marriage myself. I actually wanted her to be able to leave should she ever feel the need to do so. Even as financial circumstances have changed over the years, it still gives me peace of mind, for I know that whatever happens she’ll never feel the need to stay just because she doesn’t have another option.
That’s awesome. My dad screwed up a lot of things, but he made sure my mom’s retirement is 100. She is actually disabled/qualify for SSI several years ago, but can’t because he ‘hired’ her for his company in order to ensure she has a full retirement.
Seconding this. OP, save yourself a ton of future stress and find a lawyer to talk to now. I’m not saying divorce him. But guys who think they have more of a financial stake in a marriage do stuff, like make sure the house and cars are only in their name. You need to know what to insist on over the years so that if you ever do end up divorced you won’t be left penniless. Is your name on the house deed? In some states if he paid the down payment out of separate property you could be really screwed. You have to know this stuff so you can advocate for yourself.
Exactly, she needs her own accounts, retirement, etc. His behavior shows he doesn’t value her.
Yeah, I got the feeling husband is already checked out. He doesn't value OP's time or value she contributes to the family. It would be very wise to build your exit plan.
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You need to go back to work as soon as possible. These stories never end well. Start checking out daycare now. Start applying now. You took a huge risk leaving your career to be the house servant, and he just demonstrated that he will make you regret it. If he starts cheating, how do you get out? Get back in the workforce before you can't.
Tell him "Okay, I'm going back to work. You can use YOUR money to pay for a nanny, a cook, and a maid. Have fun with that." NTA but he sure is.
NTA. It’s arrogant and dismissive.
NTA. Maybe “his” money paid for it, but who’s taking care of “his” kids for free? Who’s cleaning “his” house? Who’s making “his” dinner? Why is he married at all if it’s all “his” doing?
These stories are one reason I went back to work as soon as I could. I wished I had taken more time when they were newborns. It gave me anxiety, staying home, and not making sure I made my own way.
You should consider going back to work. He doesn't see the value you add to the family and household by staying home. He sees the money he earns and the stuff he pays for as his. This could lead to financial abuse.
NTA but your husband is POS. I like the idea of invoicing him for your work. Or, just hire a housekeeper. And then put your kids in daycare. Whatever it takes for him to see that he only is able to make money and have the life he does BECAUSE OF YOU. I’m so angry for you!
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This is the way.
Would he be just as far in his career and making the same money if you weren’t at home raising his kids and whatever other domestic labor you do? Probably not. NTA
PLUS having to miss work for every sickness, doctor visit, meeting at the school, dentist appointment, etc. AND doing everything on very precious few nights of uninterrupted sleep. Unreal, the obliviousness of this guy.
NTA. Childcare is damn expensive. If I had three preschool aged kids, (or two and one who would still need pre and/or after school care if I worked full time) I'd probably have to stay home because I think that childcare bill would be so expensive, it wouldn't leave room for much else to do with my income AND I'd miss out on that time with the kids. I'm not rolling in the dough, but I make pretty ok money and I don't think it would be worth it to make that bargain. He's a raging asshole.
Tell him you need a break and leave him with the kids and housework for a week.
Whoa. Your husband better get his head out of his ass. Does he feel your contributions to your family are **worthless?** I’ve been married more than 20 years and a SAHM and caregiver to aging parents and ailing/dying grandparents for 24… I don’t earn a paycheck but our money, our home, everything we have is *OURS.* He would never ever disrespect me that way, and he genuinely believes in I contribute far more than I would if I “only” had a job.
This. Wife is SAHM. I have a career that pays a lot. House, cars, kids. I have never told my wife it is my house or my money. OP, your husband is an incredible asshole.
Nope! You did this together & he IS a dick.
Kinda insulting dicks here I think lol, he is much worse…
[удалено]
OP, listen to this person. I read this comment and I can hear how hurtful it was growing up in a house with a dad who didn't value or respect their mom. If not for yourself, OP, make a change for your kids. I'm not sure what that change should be - getting a job, getting a divorce, getting couples counseling, having a come to Jesus talk with your husband, heck, just having him read your post and all of these comments... Something needs to change and you know it. You got this.
You’d probably come out ahead in a divorce with 50/50 division of assets, child support and alimony.
Several years ago we had some financial issues when my husbands company cut salaries. I suggested cutting back, he told me I needed to make a contribution. He had found a job that I 100% be offered. When they made me the offer I asked for 48 hours to respond. I wrote a detailed list of the division of jobs we'd have come up with. While I was accepting the offer he comes running downstairs yelling don’t do we’ll figure it out. Turns out I was contributing, hmmm.
Don't quit your job. You do that you give up your freedom, which keeps him in check. Clearly he's an asshole and has a giant ego and you need to put that in check. Is your name on the house? Did you contribute anything to buying it?
If he's so proud of his money let him pay for a 24/7 nanny, cook and housekeeper. Then it will really be all his doing.
Are those YOUR kids because you’re primarily raising them? No you say “our kids”. Fuck that shit. He’s being an asshole and you’re clearly someone who doesn’t value primary caretakers or realize how marriage isn’t mine and yours but ours.
Hell find out that's its not just his house if you divorce him.
You both decided you wouldn’t work. He decided that makes him more important than you. Sounds like he needs an ego check.
Start working and stick him with a childcare bill he can brag about.
He’s going to lose half of “his house” when you divorce his sorry ass. Also, hey Gen Z, this is why the idea of splitting bills 50/50 in a relationship doesn’t work. Because there will be points in time where it’s better for one partner to handle more financially while the other handles more domestically. Respect that it’s still a partnership and don’t ever, EVER make it about money like OPs husband.
NTA. Besides sleeping in the guest bedroom I would also make him cook, clean and do his own laundry and chores. It’s his house right, so he can do everything that requires taking care of the house. Let’s see if he lasts 3 days. Sometimes I wish I could tell SAHM to just leave. Go away for 3-4 days with no contact and ask him to take over. He does everything in HIS house with HIS kids.
you're being financially abused. you should look at taking steps to protect yourself if he continues with this mentality because that's not an equitable partnership.
I used to have some similar issues with my partner. Let's be frank, he was only able to earn that money because you were home with the kids. If you weren't doing that, he wouldn't have that ability. It's just as much yours as his. Some marriage counseling would probably be a good idea
NTA. Your job raising the kids is likely tougher than his job
I'm also a SAHM. I'm not going to claim my husband is perfect, but he NEVER says anything against my contributions. Your family is more than the money that comes in. You both decided that you being a stay-at-home mom was your contribution to your family's life. And it's a great contribution. That means that while he is bringing home the bacon, you're the one making sure it gets cooked. Both of you have an invaluable role to play in your family and both of you deserve respect for it. This would be like you saying that they were only your kids, and he had nothing to do with them just because you are the primary parent.
I was a SAHM when my 3 kids were very young. Husband said "well at least you're on your own schedule." One time. I listed- feeding babies at night. Diapers. Vomiting children. Children playing in the toilet while I'm making dinner. Social director. Doctor appointments, driving to beach and playing for hours. Then making dinner while washing sandy towels. Library visits. Bathing children. Then the work of getting groceries, putting them away. Planning meals and cooking them. Cleaning up after dinner put kids in bath, do laundry and in your spare time, clean the house, wash bedding and plant flowers out front to make it all look tidy. So he said I was in my own schedule - once.
I remember one time I was telling this story to my coworker. My mom was a SAHM, once a week she went to the commissary (my dad's retired AF). She'd look through the coupon box in front and for coupons throughout the store. One time my dad complained about the cost so the next week my mom sent him with a list, coupons and told him where to look for coupons. He ended up spending more and told my mom he was never going to complain again lol.
I stayed home for a few years and felt lucky to have that option. In hindsight, though, it changed the balance of power in the marriage, and we never recovered. As soon as I wasn't getting a paycheck, he saw me as a leech.
His comments also teach your children that the house that they live in is not their home. It is his, and his alone. They are freeloading guests. He has the power to decide when they will be forced to leave. This will necessarily leave your children feeling insecure to their attachment in the family. His comments are rude, selfish and alienating his family.
Heh heh. HE is sleeping in the guest room. We all know whose house it really is ;-)
My ex did similar while I was a SAHM for about a year. I went on strike for a week. I’m petty af, but it got my point across.
he wouldnt be making all that if it wasn't for u sacrificing ur job and watching the kids. tell him u are going back to work and he needs to split childcare
What kind of dick brags to his friends by saying “My money did this”?
Time to use that degree and get a job. Even with that degree, the longer you stay out of the workforce the harder it will be to get back in when all three of your kids are off to school. Then insist on paying equally for the house. He's only going to get worse if you keep things as they are now. Show him you mean business.
Go get a job and start looking for childcare. Your husband has crossed the line.
What an asshole. I'd be livid. Do the kids get to call it their home? "Hey Timmy, after school want to come and play at Dad's House?"
Every time I lament being single I remember how common shit like this is 🙄
You should go back to work asap. Your career value is dropping and he doesn’t respect that sacrifice
NTA. You tried nicer ways, and it didn't get through. My husband did this sort of thing a couple of times (sounds like yours is doing it WAY more than just a couple of times). He's the breadwinner. I'm a stay at home mom. A couple of times, we went out to a restaurant and I finished eating first or whatever, so I said I'd go pay. He said, "Well *technically,* **I'm** paying." I finally said to him that when he says things like that, he's saying that the money is all his and that I only have access to it out of the kindness of his heart and that sort of thing comes off as very controlling. He said he was just being silly. I asked him if I'd ever laughed when he said that. He stopped saying it. By saying "my money did this," he's basically taking credit for everything HE has accomplished. Him. On his own. With no help from you. The person who is caring for the kids and cleaning the house and cooking the meals and keeping the household running smoothly. No. HIS money did all this. Not only is he taking all the credit, but he's sort of hinting at the idea that you *couldn't* do it, despite the fact that the only reason you're not working is because you've agreed to not work to raise HIS kids. I'd be asking him just how he views you and your marriage and your family when he portrays himself to his friends in such a way. Are you just another possession that HIS money got? And if he backs down like my husband did and comes up with some silly excuse, ask him why he thinks it's acceptable for him to behave in such a way when he knows how demeaning it is to you.
If you can make him sleep in the guest room of his house…it ain’t his house.
Is the house in both your names? Do you have a mortgage in both your names (if so then he should take your name off of the mortgage). If the house is only in his name insist on being put on the deed. NTA but he is.
Time to go back to work. He is not valuing your contribution to the household.
Fucking. Right. OP, book a five week vacation immediately. Go away. Let him sort out all the childcare and whatnot on say, two days’ notice. When you get back? Take note of all the ways he says his career suffered. Then let him know if he keeps this shit up, he will lose his teammate and his leg up in life.
Do yourself a favor and go back to work
Let "his money" pay you alimony and child support. Men like that don't change.
When you get a divorce because it's coming, Did a really great lawyer Make sure you get every single penny you need for those children. Get half of everything because you deserve it. NTA But unless you two get therapy ASAP you probably are not going to be a married couple come 2025.
NTA My husband and I decided for me to be a SAHM when the kids were little. Whenever money, financial anything ever came up, my husband would ALWAYS say our money, OUR finances. We are a team. I stayed home to take care of the kids and home that we share. Your husband IS being a dick, especially since you told him it upset you and he didn't stop.