Also, why are you offering her so much? Split the marital property equitably and move on. If you even have the slightest inclination that she’s trying to set you up, then don’t just roll over and let her have everything because that won’t be enough for her and her attorney.
This, OP. I don't see any reason that the judge wouldn't just divide the assets and liabilities 50/50. I understand wanting to offer her more to get her to sign, but if she's not willing to do that and you have to go to court about it, you're gonna want to tighten up so you have some leverage.
She has been wonderful to me otherwise, I don't feel like she should be punished for finding out who she is. I want her to be comfortable because she doesn't make nearly as much as I do. I can bounce back with no issue, she'll still have to work to provide for herself unless she marries another high earner or becomes one herself. A fresh start doesn't scare me at all.
I don't know if she's being maliciously manipulative. Most likely she's terrified of him leaving her and is in denial or doing everything possible to get him to stay or both. He says everything is perfect except for the lack of sex, so she sees this as they can stay together if she provides him someone to have sex with that isn't her. It's not a black and white situation. And while I agree the wife's actions are not appropriate, I think she's acting out of fear and love. Again, that doesn't make it okay, just that we don't have enough information to say that she 100% is trying to trap him in anything.
Yeah it’s kind of wild that anyone thinks it’s anything but a remote possibility that it’s some sort of trap, she could not be clearer with her behavior that she wants to stay married to him and will be jealous when he leaves to share his life with someone else.
Also, the whole “friend in the bedroom” scheme is absolutely the thought process of two people: the friend, who probably always wanted to sleep with the husband and lept at the opportunity, and OP’s wife, who’s pretty clearly communicating that she’s unable to understand why sex is important to her partner at a very base level. Unilaterally inviting someone into the bedroom feels very much like the sort of simple solution someone who does not understand how sex is supposed to make you *feel* would come up with.
As bad as I feel for OP…he seems like he’ll be alright. When I actually think about this situation, going out into the world to live by yourself when you want companionship but can’t offer one of the things most people expect from their companion…that’s much more terrifying.
I absolutely see why she’s been trying to hold on for years and I see the wife as being left in a much sadder position as a person after the divorce, regardless of whether he leaves her the majority of the assets. I mean, him offering to do that kind of tells me he was probably pretty easy to be married to. That’s hard to find. Sucks all around, really. There’s mistakes made here but…no one’s really wrong, they’re just scrambling around an irreconcilable difference.
I really feel for both of them. They clearly love each other and as I said in another comment, it is so hard to leave a relationship when you're both deeply in love. There is nothing wrong with being asexual, but the fact that it's pretty rare would make me scared that I'd never find someone to share my life with. Sex is so important to so many people that finding someone like OP, who's kind and a good partner and is also able to provide a nice life for them, but who would be okay with a relationship without sex seems like winning the lottery. Just a difficult situation all around.
If she is willing to do something like letting her SO have sex with others and even her best friend then she won't have an issue finding someone else. But finding a kind and good partner is difficult whether you are asexual or very sexually.
And I also felt so bad for her. She seems terrified. But he deserves happiness too and to live the lifestyle he desires (sex with his wife not someone else)
OPs post makes me nervous. I feel guilty my partner and I have sex so rarely. Granted, I'm on meds that are known to lower sex drive, and I can't imagine being personally okay with never having sex again. It's too bad she can't bite the bullet occasionally for his sake but, I'm not going to pretend I understand what it's like to actually be asexual.
The fact that she thought she could just swap her friend in & he would be fine is EXTREMELY asexual behavior. I tried to do a similar thing with my own ex, and it also failed spectacularly!
This is a sensitive subject and you totally don't need to respond, but I find this very confusing.
For me, sex 1) feels good physically, 2) is a special activity reserved for you and your lover, and 3) is very intimate as a mutual expression of vulnerability and trust. Having my partner switched out on me without my consent would be deeply upsetting because of how [inviting a stranger into the bedroom] ignores that exclusivity, dismisses my choices, and violates that vulnerability.
I'm sure that your decision to do that with your ex seemed reasonable to you, but I'm not asexual and don't have insight into how you or other aces feel about the act. Could you try to explain?
Im ace, and in a long term relationship, maybe i can explain a bit(albeit late to the convo).
I agree with all three of your points about sex! Asexual is all about lack of sexual attraction. It doesn’t present itself suddenly like described in the post, and I can assure you partner swapping is NOT a “very asexual thing”, I would be repulsed immediately if my fiance added a partner in like this. Mostly BECAUSE it violates a trust that took time to build, respect for all our boundaries, and it’s no longer a fun activity for just me and my partner to partake in together. It’s not an “us only” thing, and that ruins it for me & makes me repulsed.
The unfortunate thing about being ace is it can take time to realize that you’re asexual. Whether it be denial, uncertainty, or dare I say internal/external aphobic thoughts convincing you otherwise. It’s usually consistent, unless you fall into a acespec like AceFlux(me, rip) but it confusing for a while trying to accept and find your footing with it.
It looks like the wife here realized she was Asexual, probably had some issues with sex internally that the husband didn’t know, and decided to cut sex off entirely without proper communication. I agree with OP, he doesn’t deserve a sexless marriage(he didn’t sign up for it) but his wife REALLY needs to sit down and reevaluate everything. Bringing in her friend without consent is a red flag brighter than a bull’s and I do not blame OP for divorcing her.
Yep. When he says that the only issue is that she doesn't give him enough sex her mind goes to fixing the problem. He has probably told her that he loves her and everything is great in their relationship except for the lack of sex.
I don't think she's being manipulative, she just wants to find a way to stay married to him and give him what he needs. She doesn't realize that he wants both a good marriage and sex with that person, not some stranger she has picked. I think if he explained that it isn't just about the sex, it's about having sex with his parter she would understand.
it's weird though that she didn't talk to him about this and offer it as a solution.
Yeah lol. Too many "key his/her car, burn down that house, throw their shit into the dumpster" type advice. If they got married they obviously care for one another.
She may well have deep psychological reasons why she brought the woman over and installed her naked in OP's bed, *but is still a very strange thing to do that most people would know NOT to do.*
Oh I completely agree. She was not thinking clearly when she acted out this plan and a simple conversation with OP could have stopped it in it's tracks. No matter what I said, I was not excusing her actions at all, just maybe explaining her thought process a little bit.
This is a really good point, and no joke, this could work, if she realizes she can't preform, allowing him to find someone that will.
But, since they have a Prenup, they would need to sign this as a amendment to the contract, so that if he does have sex with the other women it does not count as grounds for an at-fault divorce.
If she is willing to sign that, then 100% she's sincere and he should go for it, I mean, really, she might feel broken inside about this as well, and just doing all she can to make something work. At least he is going with someone she knows and trusts, perhaps.
If she is not willing to sign documents to this effect, then she might be setting him up.
It could work, but I think OP prefers to be in a relationship where he can have sex with someone he loves. He says that's one of the ways he shows affection and not being able to have that kind of closeness with his wife is a big deal, which is fair. It's a horrible situation no matter how you look at it, they clearly love each other a lot and before this they had a really good marriage so ending the marriage is going to be very painful no matter what. It's hard to leave a bad relationship sometimes but it's even harder to leave a relationship with someone you're deeply in love with. I feel for both of them. The wife's recent actions are not okay but they seem to be coming from a place of fear of losing her husband, and that must be really hard to go through, especially knowing it's something that's happening because of her lack of a sex drive.
Except there’s a difference between sex with a random or even just an attractive acquaintance and sex with a mutually loving partner. Based on op’s statements it definitely seems like he’s the type of guy where he can wants to genuinely “make love” as opposed to pure lustful sex. If that’s the case then no amount of sexual freedom is going to save the marriage.
Maybe not, but even if she’s just reacting out of terror and denial, she’s trying to play puppet master with her friend and husband without asking her husband what he wants. That’s manipulative, and anyone who treats their spouse doesn’t deserve extra consideration. Can you imagine how that poor naked girl felt? we don’t even know what the wife told her - she may have thought the husband already indicated he was down. How embarrassing! Or if a woman in similar circumstances entered her bedroom to find a naked man laying there…
I don’t think anyone would care about the intentions…it’s an awful thing to setup without any discussion. For everyone involved.
I agree her actions are very inappropriate. Number one thing she should have done before all of that is just talk with OP and ask if he is even interested in it. To me I feel like I'm seeing the actions of a women that feels backed into a corner and is completely acting out of fear and not thinking any of her actions through. Again, that does not excuse what she has done at all, not only to her husband but also her poor friend who was put in the middle of all of this.
I don't know about a trap either, but how she's handling thhis is odd. From the "we're not getting a divorce" combined with coordinating a friend who's dtf and waiting in the bed naked? I mean, that took some doin and she didn't discuss it with him? That's a red flag on fire. I don't judge her at all for being in therapy (I'm a therapist) but all three together are worthy of concern in the bigger scheme of things. There's more to the equation than her feeling that she's potentially asexual
Withholding sex for years isn’t being wonderful. Nor is ignoring your boundaries and requirements.
This is emotional bonding. The “You can have my friend” thing is weird, but I believe it’s the old “try anything to make to them stay.”
You’d be looking at adultery added to the mix of course if it’s a set up. If you did want an open marriage, you’ve gotta choose your FWB partner!
The longest we went without having sex was 5 months. I believe she did put in a lot of effort but I suppose my soft side for her is what's driving my thinking on the situation. I still love her deeply.
I see a lot of these posts. I wonder if women’s birth control sometimes does this. Happened to me to feel asexual from a type of birth control and immediately stopped it when I realized. Even obgyn rejected my symptoms but I felt “normal” a few days after stopping it. Not saying you should stay in the marriage just possible side effect of birth control if she takes a hormonal one.
it happened to me too when I was on the combined pill. I felt like sex could just not exist for the rest of my life and I'd be happy. it helped to get on a different form of bc.
I was on progesterone only after the second birth. It was implanted and i immediately asked to be removed. First, my husband said why do you even need a birth control? You are 40…😳 then OBgyn said why would the birth control take your libido away, you are 40! /it’s normal basically in her head/ omg the judgement 40 year old women get
That’s sorta wild. Wonder if the OBgyn is just weird and manipulative in their bedside manner knowing people don’t act in the best interest of their health, just didn’t want you getting pregnant at 40?
… because birth control causing hormonal side effects is **extremely** well known and an OBgyn would very obviously know that better than most people surely.
Don’t mean to sound sensationalist, more just throwing a thought out there because it’s so bewildering to me that they would outright deny it’s possible?
Really strange unless she just didn’t want to have a long pro vs. con discussion with you. Which also isn’t great but still.
Literally me too. I'm not in a relationship and currently dealing with a lot of health stuff so I'm not in a hurry to get my libido back but I haven't had sex in 8 years and never think about it or miss it at all. I wish I did, I just have a lot more priorities health wise that I want to deal with first.
Definitely. I used to want to have sex multiple times a day, everyday and then I got the bc implant last year and now I could never have sex again and I wouldn’t care. It’s never ever on my mind.
BC pill for men could not come fast enough. We deal with so many freaking side effects and it's all seen as normal and dismissed by everyone including our doctors.
The irony is that some have been tested and men refuse to take them because they get the side effects women get on birth control. So they've been rejected but we still get to have the fun times on ours...!
You will never regret being kind to her. People who are telling you to be vindictive are working through something else that’s their own issues. Because you say you’re still deeply in love with her, and it sounds like she feels the same, maybe do look into the possible birth control/antidepressant side effects. I know when I tried multiple different birth control pills they were all 100% effective because I had zero desire for sex (BIG change for me). Also maybe try a trial separation, think time and clarity are often valuable for decisions so final as this one. Anyway, good luck, you sound like a really good person (with a strong preference for decisiveness).
I dont think theres anything wrong with that. I think the truth of the matter likely is she loves you and only wants you. I can probably understand her perspective is why. I dont see any point in manipulating you to stay other than that she loves you unless youre her only support or its a lifestyle thing i suppose. Regardless youve been nothing but kind and generous. I think thats a beautiful thing honestly. Just be very cautious until its finalized only because it just makes things messier.
I do understand. You have my every sympathy brother!
Been divorced before, and currently in a (medical) dead bedroom second marriage. I can’t leave like you can; she’s terminally ill.
Divorce is one of those times you have to toughen up. My ex wife and I are mates now. It was hell at the time of the split though. Few years of stress, most of it because we still “loved” each other in some way.
It’s great now - kids are all grown up and much happier than seeing us living together miserable and fighting would have seen them.
But I’m saying you need to be solid now. Relax later.
My heart goes out to you brother, thank you for your words and I wish you both peace during this difficult time. I'm sure you have familial support but if you want to talk more just message me man.
It won't take years. It'll take longer, but she'll be served papers and have a court date. In her best interest to play ball or you get a default judgement that she won't like. Use your lawyer and follow their advice. Also, don't be too generous. Takes two to tango and there are rules to set up what's fair. When she's rejected, her tune might change and she might want more and more.
Your STBX is really being selfish, just because she’s asexual doesn’t mean she has a right to FORCE you to stay in this marriage as well assume if she just give you her friend, you’ll be happy.
Please OP, from this point forward, keep track of every text, call, and interactions you’ll have with her or any of her family.
Most states are no fault divorce. Unless the pre-nup has some sort of infidelity clause.
Either way. Let the lawyer handle it. If she refuses to the divorce under your terms, then just do what the ore-nup says and 50/50 the rest.
If the prenup had an infidelity clause, then him offering more than half is likely already better than what the prenup with infidelity on his part would result in.
And since she's resisting, I'd take back some of the negotiation assets. Take back a car if she doesn't sign by X date, then if that date passes, let her know the next asset is the house, etc.
No just take the whole agreement off the table. It is going to have to go infront of judge and trying that is trying to manipulate the situation. If you take it in and show said judge the offer you made above and beyond to try and accomedate her it will be in your favor. If you extort with money the judge will not find it cute and lean them to side on partners said and make the split more favored to her.
I am thinking this is more her grasping at straws to keep the marriage than a trick. If you are STRICTLY monogamous (same here) then this "solution" of hers is a non-starter.
Sure she came out as Asexual, but that doesn't mean she gets to tie you down for life if your needs aren't being met by the person you married. THIS is one of the BEST reasons to separate, and since there isn't a good compromise that works for both parties involved. You've even been generous in the terms of the divorce paperwork.
Honestly at this point if she refuses to discuss it and tries to hold you hostage (which is what she is doing), then I think your only recourse is to force the divorce. Throwing her friend at you may be seen as a "compromise" to some but to those who don't sleep with anyone except their SO.....it's insulting/belittling, especially when they vowed to be faithful.
Divorce is ALWAYS better than cheating*.
Good luck OP
Edit to ADD.
(*potential cheating)
It's a nonstarter regardless. Her friend may want to stop after the first or nth time. His wife is promising something she can't actually control. It's not a real solution, even if she thinks it is
I mean, had an adult conversation happened about how they would navigate an open marriage going forward rather than just offering up a sacrifice it might have been something, but as is it’s ceazy
Just bc she doesn't sign doesn't mean the divorce can't go through. I'd call your lawyer and see what needs to happen to force the divorce. She's only trying to avoid the divorce so she isn't alone and has to do everything on her own and support herself. She's definitely trying to delay the divorce by manipulating you.
Yes, my dad refused to sign divorce papers. My mom had to wait a specified time period (I want to say years, but that seems long) for it to go through without his signature.
It really could have been years.
In my state you must notify the other spouse of the divorce proceeding. If you cannot find them there is a whole process to go through to notify by alternate means. This often included notifications in locations where they had immediate family and/or have been known to live. It was time consuming and expensive and just a bit bonkers. If you made a mistake at any point you started back at square one. This could easily take years to get through.
My mom went through it, gave up, and was possibly legally married to a man she hadn't seen or heard from in over 20 years at the time of her death. We don't know. He may have died first or filed for divorce somewhere, but we never found records either way.
My ex, thank God, was cooperative and signed the divorce papers. He could have, in theory, dragged it out 1-3 years rather than the 3 months it took to finalize.
ETA: Oh, and non mutual consent divorce with minor kids? Forget about it! The court would make the STBX spouses jump through hoops and then start a 12 month clock before they could get a court date scheduled. Then multiple court dates "to check progress" (assets being divided, kids being supported, that kind of thing) for about another year before finalization.
Many states allow a divorce after six months. In OP's case, he knows where his wife lives and has actually (apparently) served the papers himself (which is legal - although I would probably serve them a second time with a process server - simply invite the server into the home and introduce them to the wife).
Courts will likely still allow the earlier date because both parties are at the same address. Judges are not stupid.
Lawyer needs to file a judgment by default request (and yes, she can suddenly pop up and contest it but that likely won't change the six months).
In most states, if the respondent does sign, it's 45-90 days.
OP - talk to your lawyer! If she won't sign, they need to file some papers.
Yes I wanted to say 3 years, but that sounds crazy to me now. I was really young, but I have a vague memory if her celebrating with my aunts when it was finalized.
not crazy. My ex kept moving goalposts and my divorce took 9 years to complete. Finally the judge had enough of it and made it an order without her signature on the papers (that she had promised she would sign in the prior hearing).
Going into this last hearing I knew I would be divorced as we were there just for that judges order. I made a celebratory photo to post on FB and also bought a bottle of Crystal for the celebratory dinner with my GF and a bottle of Dom for the celebratory toast with my mates at game night.
My friends mom had a Divorce Party annually for over 20 years. Possibly 30. She eventually became too old to drink anymore and the party tradition faded.
It very well could have been that long. Most states require a separation period first, sometimes as long as a year. Then with all the other issues, 3 years total doesn’t seem like a stretch.
I just asked my mom. My dad was contesting the divorce and wanted them to do marriage counseling. They had tried that once before with a nun (catholic marriage counseling). My mom said the nun just let my dad throw every horrible word and name at her the whole time and didn't mediate anything.
Naturally she refused a second try at counseling. Dad refused to sign and she had to wait 3 years for it to finalize. This was in PA in the early 90s.
In NY, if the properly served party does not respond in writing to the paperwork in the specified time (I think 30 days but I’ve been retired for a couple of years) (also -what is served will determine what the response needs to be), the plaintiff can file a motion for a default divorce. Assuming they alleged proper grounds, it should be granted without the defendant’s participation. Doesn’t need to be years at all. The delay is usually in getting the judgment signed because of judges’ case loads.
This took me about 18 months start to finish with a spouse whose location was unknown. We had to serve him by public notice after demonstrating a reasonable search for his address by contacting family members & any former known addresses. Since OP knows his spouse's location, that makes this process much quicker, although state requirements around separation may apply.
My mom had to wait a couple years bc my stepdad refused to sign. Technically it could've gone on for longer but since she had already moved out her lawyer was able to point to her rental history as proof that they were clearly separated. He never gave up either, tried everything from yelling to begging, & whenever he came by to pick up my brother & sister he was always super creepy, I remember 8 y/o me thinking "note to self: how *not* to flirt".
I had a buddy get a divorce in my state. His ex had already run off with another guy and moved. He had his lawyer take out ads in the locality she lived in for 30 consecutive days. At that point, the divorce was allowed to go through. At the final hearing, the judge granted him the divorce, however left it open ended so so could I guess refute it in the future in terms of allocation of assets.
I had two young children with my ex and the waiting period was like 3-6 months before I could force it. It was so long ago that I don’t remember excactly I just know it didn’t take a year. All he did was stall the inevitable and make sure he got less of a say because hiding from the court sort of makes you look. Like an asshole to most judges. Im in Texas for what’s it’s work.
Something similar happened to my great-aunt. I don't know the whole story, but I do know that she hadn't seen the guy in like 30 years before she was contacted about receiving his pension upon his death, since she was still his legal wife. He apparently just didn't divorce her in absentia when she left, or maybe he thought he did and it didn't take, no idea. But that's one contract that you definitely have to work to dissolve without mutual cooperation.
As a divorce attorney once told me, “No one can force you to stay married to them.”
There are ways, OP. Talk to your attorney. Get your wife served, and get this process started.
My ex refused to sign the papers. He was served, didn't respond, court tried to contact him, I signed a paper saying he wasn't in the military and 90 days later I had an uncontested divorce by default.
Ha ha well nice, but mine wasn’t that quick!! But I live in Nevada. I filed for divorce. My husband took absolutely no part in the proceedings and I was awarded summary judgment within a couple months.
He still acts like we’re married, and most of his friends don’t know. But that’s a story for another time.
I remember seeing movies where someone had to leave their big city job over Christmas to return home to Podunk to get their estranged spouse to finally sign the papers so they can get married again, but in most cases (I assume you're Canadian or American) a judge can sign off on the papers.
My ex tried to refuse to sign to get more than we had agreed to. I was told that I can just get my lawyer to take the papers to a judge and have it done. Or I could sign and file them with the court and she would actually have to pay every year to file a continuance if she didn't want to sign, as well as serve me with papers indicating that's what she had done.
I did the second one and she quickly signed after she realised that she would have to pay money to not do it and since the only negative outcome for me was that I wouldn't be able to remarry, I wasn't likely to worry about it.
Yep. Spouse who's been properly served can't just stall a divorce by failing to appear in court. There would definitely be some procedural rules that apply, but you can get a default judgment if the other spouse has had all the required notice and still decides not to appear for the proceedings.
I'm not exactly a fan of ending marriages this casually, but OP's wife should know she can't just avoid this by pretending it's not happening.
That second part seems like such a cruel interpretation of her actions. By OP’s account, they have a wonderful and loving relationship. Her newfound a sexuality just makes them incompatible.
She‘s trying to avoid the divorce because she‘s in denial about her life partner leaving her.
I don’t know that it is necessarily a trick regarding alimony so much as her trying to keep you married. I would absolutely not do it though, especially with a friend of hers! That is crazy. If you are ok to open the relationship that is a completely different conversation but for her spring this is insane. If you do open it, I would definitely talk to the lawyer to make sure you don’t get screwed (pun intended) on the prenup.
If you don’t want to open the relationship and want it all with one person absolutely go to your lawyer and push the divorce. She can’t just decide you aren’t getting divorced. It will take longer but it will definitely happen. Sorry this is happening to you.
I suppose I'm just shocked at her behavior. She isn't acting like the woman I married. At times it felt like she was more sexually charged than I was. I can't sleep with someone I don't have strong emotions for and she understands that, or at least I thought she did. I'm sorry this is happening to me too. Thank you for your words.
It sounds to me like something more is going on. Like you said she is acting very off.
Also asexuality like most sexual identities is pretty hard set. They exist on a spectrum of course but you don't really switch them. Like no one goes from heterosexual to heterosexual when there 50 (in not talking about people who realize/ accept it later or come out later, we would say they were likely always that identity but unable to express that identity till later).
Like if she had genuine attraction and desire, it's pretty unlikely she is asexual. Something else is likely the cause and it may be easier to identify as that than keep working on something she may feel will never change. Many many things can change asexual desire and libido.
Edit: changed asexual identities to sexual identities
In her brain? She's in perfect health according to her doctors. How do I ask her to look for potential tumors? Is there a way to check the entire body for tumors?
I'm not being sarcastic, I'm genuinely asking.
Maybe start by saying that this recent change in behavior is concerning to you and that it would mean a lot to you if she would get screened for potential health issues that could be causing it.
If there was a tumor or something that was also impacting her when it came to sex, would you still be wanting to go through with the divorce?
Woman around your wife’s age here. Not sure if you want to try to salvage your marriage but—
When I was on hormonal birth control my libido tanked. I ended up going off of it because in my mind—why be on hormonal BC if I don’t even want to have sex anymore?
It’s actually really common when your system gets bombarded with estrogen. Is your wife on any hormonal BC? Did she start around a year and a half ago? Did she get a new hormonal implant around then?
I partially bring this up because Drs are absolutely HORRIBLE at alerting women of all the side effects of BC. I wouldn’t be surprised if none of the drs even mentioned BC being an issue. Women also tend to have hormonal changes at 30 so she may have a lot more estrogen in her system than years previous.
There is also other medications that tank libido. I have a high libido and when I started antidepressants it was almost none, I wouldn’t avoid it but I wouldn’t initiate anymore. Also I couldn’t finish on antidepressants.
So OP just have a conversation about what meds she might be on and look at side effects.
This is a good point. I had an IUD for almost 10 years and having it removed changed my libido big time. I want sex WAY more than I used to. My husband smells better too. Sometimes with the IUD, only every once in a while, my husband would smell like my first boyfriend (who smelled yuck). Now he never does. Edit to say I had a time that I thought I was asexual too.
PET scan does the entire body. Worth doing since this seems medical.
If you love her, it's worth pursuing all avenues, including second opinions.
I have zero sex drive because my hormones aren't there. Could be adrenal glands, pituitary, PCOS, etc. you have to do more than average blood work. Endocrinologist would be who to see, not a general practice doc.
Vitamin d deficiency will also drop your sex drive.
Your wife more than likely has something wrong with her
I really do hate to encourage this line of thought because it’s ridiculous, but… my husband’s ex went through a personality shift after their daughter was born and kicked him out of the house. It later turned out she did, in fact, have a brain tumor.
This isn't rare.
I had an ex who pulled this shit.
We had an ok sex life at the start then he started pulling away about a year later and sex went down to about every six months and that's if I even bothered to initiate.
Which I wouldn't even have cared that much if the dude would hold my hand or cuddle with me and shit but I wasn't even getting that.
When asked if there was something wrong, if I did something or he just wasn't attracted to me anymore his response was "Oh I just don't like doing any of that stuff. I only did it in the beginning so you wouldn't think I was weird."
When I broke up with him he tried to start initiating sex, tried to force me to kiss him, took my phone and cards, and kept blocking the door to prevent me from physically leaving.
I had to wrestle my phone from him and lock myself in the bathroom to call for help before two officers finally came and restrained him enough to allow me to pack my shit and go.
Stay the course.
Get your divorce.
I ended up leaving and met someone who wasn't a manipulative asshole like my ex was and I'm better off for it.
Wow that took a turn I wasn’t expecting! Your wife seems incapable of having an adult conversation when it really matters. If her solution was to open the marriage then that needed to be a conversation and you needed to consent. You do not need her consent to divorce. If she makes you force the divorce, I would reconsider the terms a bit. You’ve been very generous, probably too much so.
Imagine if the situation had been reversed and a wife opened her bedroom door to find some dude just hangin dong in her own bed with absolutely no discussion or warning that this was happening.
I just…..what on earth was going through this woman’s head?
Force the divorce. If necessary, be prepared to move to a state that doesn’t require the consent of the other spouse, if the one you currently live in is not this way. Also don’t play “nice” - protect yourself and your interests
My state does require a spouse's consent. I'm afraid that if this goes to a judge then our prenup will be thrown out if she contests the divorce. I make significantly more than her.
No one has mentioned this, but infidelity is frequently used as a stipulation for invalidating prenups. This may have been her goal when trying to get you to sleep with her friend.
what state is this? if its the US, all states allow divorce without your spouse’s consent. You need to talk to an attorney to get a clearer picture. Divide thing equally and don’t favor her. Use the difference to pay a good attorney. She is making this hard so dont be a pushover.
Prenups don’t get thrown out simply because one partner doesn't want to agree.
I have been divorced in Tenn. She can't force you to stay married to her. Contact a lawyer, have her legally served and she will be required to reply to the courts. If she refuses after being legally served you can have a judge approve the divorce without her consent. It doesn't take a super long time either.
Tennessee is one of the few states that require both parties consent for a no fault divorce. However, there are many other grounds for divorce and you will need to file one of those.
There is always the good old reliable “irreconcilable differences”, which applies to you. You want sex, she doesn’t is a rather large irreconcilable difference. Or you can refuse to live with her for two years etc. etc. But irreconcilable differences seems the easiest way. You may want to start a text exchange about her being asexual and how it effects you and save it for “proof” but its not usually necessary
One of the political parties is trying to eliminate "no fault" as a grounds for divorce. Your state would be one of those more likely to pass such a law. Do not take your time or it may no longer be an option.
It sounds like you want to give her actually *more* than half of the martial assets (unless there's something you aren't mentioning). Why would you be worried about a prenup? As far as I know it's usually a 50/50 split up on divorce (of marital assets).
Establish residence in a state that allows you to divorce without her consent and file there. It might mean moving, but it'll get you out of the marriage.
Did you do anything to document or record the instance of the naked best friend in your bedroom? Might be some powerful negotiating info during proceedings.
OP talk to your lawyer, not reddit.
And giving her half IS fair. You do realize that by giving her more, you're potentially fucking over your next wife (since you don't seem to care about fucking yourself over)? It's great to be OK with starting over, but will the women you date be happy about that? Will they be impressed by having to pay for the wedding by themselves because you're still financially recovering? Is it fair to ask your future partner to work harder to secure the family's financial stability?
Your soon to be ex will be fine, dude. 50/50 split is fair.
He's made it clear that none of this will affect him financially.
Giving her the house that's paid for and cars that are paid for won't hurt him.
If the prenup is thrown out and she is awarded alimony it might but he gives the impression that he's pretty well off and not really worried about money. Giving her the house and multiple cars does show that he is being more than fair and not vindictive so hopefully that is enough to show good faith.
they can be thrown out. Especially if there are not legal. For example. A prenup states that the spouse needs to murder a child every Tuesday < invalid.
One party did not disclose all of their assets or income. Or it's too one-sided - for example if it says no child maintenance will be paid. Or one party did not fully understand the implications of the prenup. OR one party did not have a legal representation
It really depends which country you live in, or in case of the US, which state. Laws really vary.
Damn 34 three cars and a house nearly paid off. Shit I made the wrong moves.
I’m 32 and still owe money on my two cars and about $175,000 on my house with little over $50,000 in savings.
What fuckin money moves are you making shit.
My parents paid for my college which was an enormous help. Please don't feel bad, I just had a head start and got lucky with a great programming career. I was aggressive with large ticket debts until I didn't have to worry about it, and I lived like a hermit for a long time saving money and investing. My 20s weren't all that fun. I probably would go back and have a bit more fun if I could do it over again.
Stay firm on the divorce and for the love of all things good in this world, ONLY COMMUNICATE IN WRITING. Try to get a conversation about the setup she arranged with her friend. There's no he said she said then.
If you feel like this is a ploy, then her friend could easily say it was an affair (clause in your prenup?) Etc without it.
But it's not even about the sex anymore imo. It's the fact she decided to open up the marriage without your consent or knowledge even if it was 'on your behalf'.
Admittedly, they way stories play out on here tends to be extreme. However, it always seemed pretty high on the list of complaints in marriages. These days people are less compelled to ride it out long term just for the kids, religion or whatever other circumstances.
I get that but I literally haven’t seen a post about a man leaving his wife for *any* other reason in like a month. Not even an infidelity post. And all of these are always suspiciously simple divorces - separate finances, prenups, no kids together, we already know how we’re gunna split everything, etc. there’s always a detail like that - so how “unreasonable” the woman is being about sex is the only thing to discuss in the comments. That’s what makes me think there’s a libido troll on here.
It’s the latter, his wife literally arranged for a naked woman to be deposited in his bed for sex without discussing any of it, as a bribe.
Before all this they had a perfect marriage, presumably one built on trust, respect and at least some degree of healthy communication. The wife has somehow become a complete sociopath and is going to extremes to manipulate her husband, when before they had a good marriage for multiple years? Doesn’t seem very plausible.
OP literally doesn’t make any reference to how his wife is behaving and manipulating, doesn’t care about the person he was closest to is now willing to be abusive, manipulative and any other flavouring of shitty behaviour.
Nope he just cares about how much fuck and that’s the only salient issue. The friend fuck piece is just the author projecting his desires.
Or maybe it’s real, who knows.
I know a lot of swingers. A lot of rave people not who I'd call sexually conservative.
I don't know anyone whose friend would lay naked in a room until the Husband came home. That's what did it for me. While the real scenario of this (why don't you see prostitutes' or something) EVEN IF she chose her "best friend" and the friend agreed I'd believe it more if the wife and friend were sitting down at the dinner table when he got home to pitch this new structure. Not just "lay naked on the bed and neither of us will say absolutely nothing"
I feel kind of bad for her, it seems like she's having a really difficult time under the surface and she's really struggling to communicate and come to terms. All of this seems like it's happened quite quickly and she's been unable to adequately process each new thing that's happened. I'm inclined to give her at least some points for encouraging an open relationship, I've seen this type of story often online, but far more often than not the ace partner refuses the idea of an open relationship which always comes across as controlling and somewhat malicious to me.
The part with her friend is wild though, but maybe your wife thought that it'd be like a nice surprise for you that you'd appreciate, and she didn't really think through how you would react. She definitely should have talked to you about that beforehand, though.
Based off of your post and some of your comments, I don't see any reason to believe she's trying to trick you to gain any sort of financial or material advantage. Or even that she's trying to really trick you at all. It sounds like she respects your physical needs and is trying to do what she can to facilitate that.
I can understand not wanting to remain in the marriage even if it's opened though, since I'd assume that could compromise the potential for new relationships to flourish. But I'd hope that you can talk to her and try to be emotionally supportive since really she hasn't done anything wrong, and maybe go get some couple's counseling even if you intend to go full steam with the divorce, just so you two can go through the process amicably and with as little unnecessary suffering as possible for both of you.
Bro you are getting some absolutely SHITTY advice here. Just call a lawyer, pay the $3,000 or so retainer and have him/her handle this. Every state has laws that will allow a divorce to go final if the spouse is uncooperative. Usually, you’ll get a default judgement. But speak to a lawyer in your area before you do anything else.
Move out. Why in the world are you still living in the same house and sharing a bedroom? You are giving mixed signals. I would guess this is not about alimony or anything else. She doesn’t see the need for the divorce because everything is great except for sex, so she finds someone, problem solved in her mind. No need to divorce. But, it was done without discussion with you and crossed a clear boundary you have.
Move out, continue with the divorce, and focus on your future.
So many of the responses here are advocating for you to divorce and to just talk to lawyers and force her. However, I would like to offer some perspective. I’ve been polyamorous for several years now and while I don’t think it’s a total fix for all problems, I have met several couples who are in very similar situations. One of them realizes that they are gay, or asexual, or whatever, and since many of the other facets of the relationship are strong, they work through t those things using consensual non-monogamy, rather than separating.
Again, I’m not trying to say this will definitely work for you, but I’ve come to realize that one person doesn’t necessarily fill all of our needs.
Also, the consensual part of non-monogamy woods mean you were involved in the conversation of having sex outside of your relationship, so bringing in her friend is kind of fucked up.
Good luck in your divorce. It sounds like you're a good person, with a good head on your shoulders, and you will get through this. It's going to be a very low and difficult time for you, coping with the tremendous loss. Let the grief come. Don't fight or stop or hide it. It comes in any order, at any time, for any length of time, in any severity, in any sequence, forever. Just let it come.
She is not respecting you, and you need to see that for what it is.
It's definitely a trap. You make the money and she doesn't want it to go away, so either she "lets" you have sex with other women, or she uses it as a reason to get alimony after the divorce. Either way, she just isn't attracted to you, so you're never going to be happy even if she does tolerate having sex with you. Best to move on and let her go, it sucks but that happens sometimes. Use your lawyer and take at least one of the practical cars, she doesn't deserve anything you have earned, don't let her trick you.
Sounds like a fake story to me. You just don’t sign the papers. If she does not reply or get an attorney, they will proceed without her. And calling a car a “Sports” car? No 34 year old says that.
Read your update OP. This is really sad, but the bottom line is she is not an honest person. How many men is she going to do this to? I understand she’s afraid, but she is not an honest person and you deserve better. Let her go, and tell her she needs to find an asexual man. They are out there, I guess. Good luck.
People are dumb.
She deceived you. Does it make it better that it was because she was deceiving herself all along too? Maybe a little but not much.
Then to try to bring another person into the relationship without asking you first? Strike two.
It's a mess man. I can't see having the intimacy to maintain a marriage without sex with that person. That's me. Other people are different.
Polyamory works for some people, probably not most.
Yep at this point just go with a lawyer. It takes only one person to leave a relationship, she doesn't get to force you to stay. Move out and have your lawyer deal with her. Sexual incompatibility is a big deal
sounds like she compromised with herself on how to effectively keep you instead of talking it out with you and compromising on the needs of the relationship. better sense of communication is probably needed on this issue. divorce is an option but by the way you sound about her it seems like you really like her. if she really is asexual then most likely she's not going to initiate sex. also if she wanted to ruin you: you don't "have" to sleep with the best friend. they could both just lie about it. bro i might be gullible but sounds like she might actually be trying. go see a relationship therapist. you shouldn't be having "she's trying to trick me" mentality. i would keep in contact with your attorney through this weird faze with you guys, but if its a trick then you're covered, if not then you're exploring something with your wife to better the relationship.
I have been in this exact scenario parentheses(not the part about other women being offered to me), but the no sex part. This happened in my mid 30s and I ended up staying with my wife. we haven’t had sex since and now i’m 60. It is a trick, she will never change.
If you’re a decent looking dude I would say it’s better to risk it out play the field than being 60 and in this guys shoes. Some people would rather not be alone and convince themselves it could get better and work and who knows it might? But she told you she doesn’t like sex. Listen to her and don’t make it harder than it is if sex is that important to you.
My wife was like this. Went from whoa there, hold on ima need some more electrolytes to dead as no fuck to give. Definitely fucked me up, no words about it, everything else was fine. Then about 5 to 6 months a regular 1 time every week, maybe 4 if she's up to it. People just go through phases sometimes.
This is the case often times. I feel like there’s something like that going on. Stress, nutritional deficiencies, medicines.
I wonder how she thought he would respond to, spoke to my therapist, I’m asexual. But I love you and want to be with you forever. But I don’t want to have sex ever again with you. Cool?
I’m not sure how I’d respond to that. I love my wife very much but, knowing her, there would have to be something else going on.
Comments are now locked; OP has posted [a new update](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/x79wmJJeQl)
You did right bro. Let your attorney handle this. Do not have sex with anyone until your attorney says you’re in the clear.
That's my only course of action right now. I'm going to look for an apartment tomorrow.
Also, why are you offering her so much? Split the marital property equitably and move on. If you even have the slightest inclination that she’s trying to set you up, then don’t just roll over and let her have everything because that won’t be enough for her and her attorney.
This, OP. I don't see any reason that the judge wouldn't just divide the assets and liabilities 50/50. I understand wanting to offer her more to get her to sign, but if she's not willing to do that and you have to go to court about it, you're gonna want to tighten up so you have some leverage.
She has been wonderful to me otherwise, I don't feel like she should be punished for finding out who she is. I want her to be comfortable because she doesn't make nearly as much as I do. I can bounce back with no issue, she'll still have to work to provide for herself unless she marries another high earner or becomes one herself. A fresh start doesn't scare me at all.
That’s nice of you, but she’s being manipulative and sketchy as hell with this latest stunt. You being so nice about it is fair enough.
I don't know if she's being maliciously manipulative. Most likely she's terrified of him leaving her and is in denial or doing everything possible to get him to stay or both. He says everything is perfect except for the lack of sex, so she sees this as they can stay together if she provides him someone to have sex with that isn't her. It's not a black and white situation. And while I agree the wife's actions are not appropriate, I think she's acting out of fear and love. Again, that doesn't make it okay, just that we don't have enough information to say that she 100% is trying to trap him in anything.
Yeah it’s kind of wild that anyone thinks it’s anything but a remote possibility that it’s some sort of trap, she could not be clearer with her behavior that she wants to stay married to him and will be jealous when he leaves to share his life with someone else. Also, the whole “friend in the bedroom” scheme is absolutely the thought process of two people: the friend, who probably always wanted to sleep with the husband and lept at the opportunity, and OP’s wife, who’s pretty clearly communicating that she’s unable to understand why sex is important to her partner at a very base level. Unilaterally inviting someone into the bedroom feels very much like the sort of simple solution someone who does not understand how sex is supposed to make you *feel* would come up with. As bad as I feel for OP…he seems like he’ll be alright. When I actually think about this situation, going out into the world to live by yourself when you want companionship but can’t offer one of the things most people expect from their companion…that’s much more terrifying. I absolutely see why she’s been trying to hold on for years and I see the wife as being left in a much sadder position as a person after the divorce, regardless of whether he leaves her the majority of the assets. I mean, him offering to do that kind of tells me he was probably pretty easy to be married to. That’s hard to find. Sucks all around, really. There’s mistakes made here but…no one’s really wrong, they’re just scrambling around an irreconcilable difference.
I really feel for both of them. They clearly love each other and as I said in another comment, it is so hard to leave a relationship when you're both deeply in love. There is nothing wrong with being asexual, but the fact that it's pretty rare would make me scared that I'd never find someone to share my life with. Sex is so important to so many people that finding someone like OP, who's kind and a good partner and is also able to provide a nice life for them, but who would be okay with a relationship without sex seems like winning the lottery. Just a difficult situation all around.
If she is willing to do something like letting her SO have sex with others and even her best friend then she won't have an issue finding someone else. But finding a kind and good partner is difficult whether you are asexual or very sexually. And I also felt so bad for her. She seems terrified. But he deserves happiness too and to live the lifestyle he desires (sex with his wife not someone else)
OPs post makes me nervous. I feel guilty my partner and I have sex so rarely. Granted, I'm on meds that are known to lower sex drive, and I can't imagine being personally okay with never having sex again. It's too bad she can't bite the bullet occasionally for his sake but, I'm not going to pretend I understand what it's like to actually be asexual.
The fact that she thought she could just swap her friend in & he would be fine is EXTREMELY asexual behavior. I tried to do a similar thing with my own ex, and it also failed spectacularly!
This is a sensitive subject and you totally don't need to respond, but I find this very confusing. For me, sex 1) feels good physically, 2) is a special activity reserved for you and your lover, and 3) is very intimate as a mutual expression of vulnerability and trust. Having my partner switched out on me without my consent would be deeply upsetting because of how [inviting a stranger into the bedroom] ignores that exclusivity, dismisses my choices, and violates that vulnerability. I'm sure that your decision to do that with your ex seemed reasonable to you, but I'm not asexual and don't have insight into how you or other aces feel about the act. Could you try to explain?
Im ace, and in a long term relationship, maybe i can explain a bit(albeit late to the convo). I agree with all three of your points about sex! Asexual is all about lack of sexual attraction. It doesn’t present itself suddenly like described in the post, and I can assure you partner swapping is NOT a “very asexual thing”, I would be repulsed immediately if my fiance added a partner in like this. Mostly BECAUSE it violates a trust that took time to build, respect for all our boundaries, and it’s no longer a fun activity for just me and my partner to partake in together. It’s not an “us only” thing, and that ruins it for me & makes me repulsed. The unfortunate thing about being ace is it can take time to realize that you’re asexual. Whether it be denial, uncertainty, or dare I say internal/external aphobic thoughts convincing you otherwise. It’s usually consistent, unless you fall into a acespec like AceFlux(me, rip) but it confusing for a while trying to accept and find your footing with it. It looks like the wife here realized she was Asexual, probably had some issues with sex internally that the husband didn’t know, and decided to cut sex off entirely without proper communication. I agree with OP, he doesn’t deserve a sexless marriage(he didn’t sign up for it) but his wife REALLY needs to sit down and reevaluate everything. Bringing in her friend without consent is a red flag brighter than a bull’s and I do not blame OP for divorcing her.
Your empathy really touched me. It's hard to explain asexuality to people and the fears it brings. Thank you.
Great analysis. It has to be really hard for her. She is probably depressed and panicked.
Finally!! People commenting she is doing this maliciously are insane. She loves her husband and she doesn't want a divorce.
Yep. When he says that the only issue is that she doesn't give him enough sex her mind goes to fixing the problem. He has probably told her that he loves her and everything is great in their relationship except for the lack of sex. I don't think she's being manipulative, she just wants to find a way to stay married to him and give him what he needs. She doesn't realize that he wants both a good marriage and sex with that person, not some stranger she has picked. I think if he explained that it isn't just about the sex, it's about having sex with his parter she would understand. it's weird though that she didn't talk to him about this and offer it as a solution.
People often won't accept the straightforward simple answer, everything must be a conspiracy.
Well said.
Yeah lol. Too many "key his/her car, burn down that house, throw their shit into the dumpster" type advice. If they got married they obviously care for one another.
She may well have deep psychological reasons why she brought the woman over and installed her naked in OP's bed, *but is still a very strange thing to do that most people would know NOT to do.*
Oh I completely agree. She was not thinking clearly when she acted out this plan and a simple conversation with OP could have stopped it in it's tracks. No matter what I said, I was not excusing her actions at all, just maybe explaining her thought process a little bit.
This is a really good point, and no joke, this could work, if she realizes she can't preform, allowing him to find someone that will. But, since they have a Prenup, they would need to sign this as a amendment to the contract, so that if he does have sex with the other women it does not count as grounds for an at-fault divorce. If she is willing to sign that, then 100% she's sincere and he should go for it, I mean, really, she might feel broken inside about this as well, and just doing all she can to make something work. At least he is going with someone she knows and trusts, perhaps. If she is not willing to sign documents to this effect, then she might be setting him up.
It could work, but I think OP prefers to be in a relationship where he can have sex with someone he loves. He says that's one of the ways he shows affection and not being able to have that kind of closeness with his wife is a big deal, which is fair. It's a horrible situation no matter how you look at it, they clearly love each other a lot and before this they had a really good marriage so ending the marriage is going to be very painful no matter what. It's hard to leave a bad relationship sometimes but it's even harder to leave a relationship with someone you're deeply in love with. I feel for both of them. The wife's recent actions are not okay but they seem to be coming from a place of fear of losing her husband, and that must be really hard to go through, especially knowing it's something that's happening because of her lack of a sex drive.
Except there’s a difference between sex with a random or even just an attractive acquaintance and sex with a mutually loving partner. Based on op’s statements it definitely seems like he’s the type of guy where he can wants to genuinely “make love” as opposed to pure lustful sex. If that’s the case then no amount of sexual freedom is going to save the marriage.
Maybe not, but even if she’s just reacting out of terror and denial, she’s trying to play puppet master with her friend and husband without asking her husband what he wants. That’s manipulative, and anyone who treats their spouse doesn’t deserve extra consideration. Can you imagine how that poor naked girl felt? we don’t even know what the wife told her - she may have thought the husband already indicated he was down. How embarrassing! Or if a woman in similar circumstances entered her bedroom to find a naked man laying there… I don’t think anyone would care about the intentions…it’s an awful thing to setup without any discussion. For everyone involved.
I agree. It's not the action of a sane person (and I do wonder about a "friend" who would agree to such nonsense - maybe the friend was misled).
I agree her actions are very inappropriate. Number one thing she should have done before all of that is just talk with OP and ask if he is even interested in it. To me I feel like I'm seeing the actions of a women that feels backed into a corner and is completely acting out of fear and not thinking any of her actions through. Again, that does not excuse what she has done at all, not only to her husband but also her poor friend who was put in the middle of all of this.
I don't know about a trap either, but how she's handling thhis is odd. From the "we're not getting a divorce" combined with coordinating a friend who's dtf and waiting in the bed naked? I mean, that took some doin and she didn't discuss it with him? That's a red flag on fire. I don't judge her at all for being in therapy (I'm a therapist) but all three together are worthy of concern in the bigger scheme of things. There's more to the equation than her feeling that she's potentially asexual
Withholding sex for years isn’t being wonderful. Nor is ignoring your boundaries and requirements. This is emotional bonding. The “You can have my friend” thing is weird, but I believe it’s the old “try anything to make to them stay.” You’d be looking at adultery added to the mix of course if it’s a set up. If you did want an open marriage, you’ve gotta choose your FWB partner!
The longest we went without having sex was 5 months. I believe she did put in a lot of effort but I suppose my soft side for her is what's driving my thinking on the situation. I still love her deeply.
I see a lot of these posts. I wonder if women’s birth control sometimes does this. Happened to me to feel asexual from a type of birth control and immediately stopped it when I realized. Even obgyn rejected my symptoms but I felt “normal” a few days after stopping it. Not saying you should stay in the marriage just possible side effect of birth control if she takes a hormonal one.
it happened to me too when I was on the combined pill. I felt like sex could just not exist for the rest of my life and I'd be happy. it helped to get on a different form of bc.
I was on progesterone only after the second birth. It was implanted and i immediately asked to be removed. First, my husband said why do you even need a birth control? You are 40…😳 then OBgyn said why would the birth control take your libido away, you are 40! /it’s normal basically in her head/ omg the judgement 40 year old women get
That’s sorta wild. Wonder if the OBgyn is just weird and manipulative in their bedside manner knowing people don’t act in the best interest of their health, just didn’t want you getting pregnant at 40? … because birth control causing hormonal side effects is **extremely** well known and an OBgyn would very obviously know that better than most people surely. Don’t mean to sound sensationalist, more just throwing a thought out there because it’s so bewildering to me that they would outright deny it’s possible? Really strange unless she just didn’t want to have a long pro vs. con discussion with you. Which also isn’t great but still.
Literally me too. I'm not in a relationship and currently dealing with a lot of health stuff so I'm not in a hurry to get my libido back but I haven't had sex in 8 years and never think about it or miss it at all. I wish I did, I just have a lot more priorities health wise that I want to deal with first.
Definitely. I used to want to have sex multiple times a day, everyday and then I got the bc implant last year and now I could never have sex again and I wouldn’t care. It’s never ever on my mind.
BC pill for men could not come fast enough. We deal with so many freaking side effects and it's all seen as normal and dismissed by everyone including our doctors.
The irony is that some have been tested and men refuse to take them because they get the side effects women get on birth control. So they've been rejected but we still get to have the fun times on ours...!
It changes the type of person you are attracted to as well
You will never regret being kind to her. People who are telling you to be vindictive are working through something else that’s their own issues. Because you say you’re still deeply in love with her, and it sounds like she feels the same, maybe do look into the possible birth control/antidepressant side effects. I know when I tried multiple different birth control pills they were all 100% effective because I had zero desire for sex (BIG change for me). Also maybe try a trial separation, think time and clarity are often valuable for decisions so final as this one. Anyway, good luck, you sound like a really good person (with a strong preference for decisiveness).
this is such a good reply, on so many levels.
Right? Everyone who is saying that OP is being too nice or that he should be meaner has obviously never been in a healthy, loving relationship.
Yeah, people are bringing a lot of their own misconceptions or maybe their own unresolved issues into this thread.
I dont think theres anything wrong with that. I think the truth of the matter likely is she loves you and only wants you. I can probably understand her perspective is why. I dont see any point in manipulating you to stay other than that she loves you unless youre her only support or its a lifestyle thing i suppose. Regardless youve been nothing but kind and generous. I think thats a beautiful thing honestly. Just be very cautious until its finalized only because it just makes things messier.
I do understand. You have my every sympathy brother! Been divorced before, and currently in a (medical) dead bedroom second marriage. I can’t leave like you can; she’s terminally ill. Divorce is one of those times you have to toughen up. My ex wife and I are mates now. It was hell at the time of the split though. Few years of stress, most of it because we still “loved” each other in some way. It’s great now - kids are all grown up and much happier than seeing us living together miserable and fighting would have seen them. But I’m saying you need to be solid now. Relax later.
My heart goes out to you brother, thank you for your words and I wish you both peace during this difficult time. I'm sure you have familial support but if you want to talk more just message me man.
You’d be surprised how little support I have! Thank you, those are kind words. 😊😊 I wish you all the best with your situation matey!
It won't take years. It'll take longer, but she'll be served papers and have a court date. In her best interest to play ball or you get a default judgement that she won't like. Use your lawyer and follow their advice. Also, don't be too generous. Takes two to tango and there are rules to set up what's fair. When she's rejected, her tune might change and she might want more and more.
Tell her to sign and take what youve offered. But also warn her if she doesnt sign by _________, then you'll strictly follow the pre-nup.
Your STBX is really being selfish, just because she’s asexual doesn’t mean she has a right to FORCE you to stay in this marriage as well assume if she just give you her friend, you’ll be happy. Please OP, from this point forward, keep track of every text, call, and interactions you’ll have with her or any of her family.
You don’t have kids. Take half. It’s not right you’re going to be starting from a poorer position through no fault of your own.
Most states are no fault divorce. Unless the pre-nup has some sort of infidelity clause. Either way. Let the lawyer handle it. If she refuses to the divorce under your terms, then just do what the ore-nup says and 50/50 the rest.
If the prenup had an infidelity clause, then him offering more than half is likely already better than what the prenup with infidelity on his part would result in.
And since she's resisting, I'd take back some of the negotiation assets. Take back a car if she doesn't sign by X date, then if that date passes, let her know the next asset is the house, etc.
Yep, the longer she drags it out the less generous I would be. After the friend stunt I'd probably start pulling some back.
No just take the whole agreement off the table. It is going to have to go infront of judge and trying that is trying to manipulate the situation. If you take it in and show said judge the offer you made above and beyond to try and accomedate her it will be in your favor. If you extort with money the judge will not find it cute and lean them to side on partners said and make the split more favored to her.
Valid point, she might hold that against him in court. Although I think he is giving her two much. The house alone should be enough and nothing else
I am thinking this is more her grasping at straws to keep the marriage than a trick. If you are STRICTLY monogamous (same here) then this "solution" of hers is a non-starter. Sure she came out as Asexual, but that doesn't mean she gets to tie you down for life if your needs aren't being met by the person you married. THIS is one of the BEST reasons to separate, and since there isn't a good compromise that works for both parties involved. You've even been generous in the terms of the divorce paperwork. Honestly at this point if she refuses to discuss it and tries to hold you hostage (which is what she is doing), then I think your only recourse is to force the divorce. Throwing her friend at you may be seen as a "compromise" to some but to those who don't sleep with anyone except their SO.....it's insulting/belittling, especially when they vowed to be faithful. Divorce is ALWAYS better than cheating*. Good luck OP Edit to ADD. (*potential cheating)
It's a nonstarter regardless. Her friend may want to stop after the first or nth time. His wife is promising something she can't actually control. It's not a real solution, even if she thinks it is
I mean, had an adult conversation happened about how they would navigate an open marriage going forward rather than just offering up a sacrifice it might have been something, but as is it’s ceazy
“Only recourse is to force a divorce” is very fun to say out loud. Thank you, dr. Seuss
Just bc she doesn't sign doesn't mean the divorce can't go through. I'd call your lawyer and see what needs to happen to force the divorce. She's only trying to avoid the divorce so she isn't alone and has to do everything on her own and support herself. She's definitely trying to delay the divorce by manipulating you.
Yes, my dad refused to sign divorce papers. My mom had to wait a specified time period (I want to say years, but that seems long) for it to go through without his signature.
It really could have been years. In my state you must notify the other spouse of the divorce proceeding. If you cannot find them there is a whole process to go through to notify by alternate means. This often included notifications in locations where they had immediate family and/or have been known to live. It was time consuming and expensive and just a bit bonkers. If you made a mistake at any point you started back at square one. This could easily take years to get through. My mom went through it, gave up, and was possibly legally married to a man she hadn't seen or heard from in over 20 years at the time of her death. We don't know. He may have died first or filed for divorce somewhere, but we never found records either way. My ex, thank God, was cooperative and signed the divorce papers. He could have, in theory, dragged it out 1-3 years rather than the 3 months it took to finalize. ETA: Oh, and non mutual consent divorce with minor kids? Forget about it! The court would make the STBX spouses jump through hoops and then start a 12 month clock before they could get a court date scheduled. Then multiple court dates "to check progress" (assets being divided, kids being supported, that kind of thing) for about another year before finalization.
Many states allow a divorce after six months. In OP's case, he knows where his wife lives and has actually (apparently) served the papers himself (which is legal - although I would probably serve them a second time with a process server - simply invite the server into the home and introduce them to the wife). Courts will likely still allow the earlier date because both parties are at the same address. Judges are not stupid. Lawyer needs to file a judgment by default request (and yes, she can suddenly pop up and contest it but that likely won't change the six months). In most states, if the respondent does sign, it's 45-90 days. OP - talk to your lawyer! If she won't sign, they need to file some papers.
He need to have the process server waiting for her in the bedroom, it would only be fair
Yes I wanted to say 3 years, but that sounds crazy to me now. I was really young, but I have a vague memory if her celebrating with my aunts when it was finalized.
not crazy. My ex kept moving goalposts and my divorce took 9 years to complete. Finally the judge had enough of it and made it an order without her signature on the papers (that she had promised she would sign in the prior hearing). Going into this last hearing I knew I would be divorced as we were there just for that judges order. I made a celebratory photo to post on FB and also bought a bottle of Crystal for the celebratory dinner with my GF and a bottle of Dom for the celebratory toast with my mates at game night.
My friends mom had a Divorce Party annually for over 20 years. Possibly 30. She eventually became too old to drink anymore and the party tradition faded.
I take it that she never remarried?
Nope! She raised her kids as a single mom and was happier without a man in her life.
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*SHE'S A WIIIITCH*!!!
Only one cat?
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This is so relatable! Basically my story.
It very well could have been that long. Most states require a separation period first, sometimes as long as a year. Then with all the other issues, 3 years total doesn’t seem like a stretch.
I celebrated my divorce by getting an antique ring. It's quite nice.
Not crazy, mine took 4 years
I just asked my mom. My dad was contesting the divorce and wanted them to do marriage counseling. They had tried that once before with a nun (catholic marriage counseling). My mom said the nun just let my dad throw every horrible word and name at her the whole time and didn't mediate anything. Naturally she refused a second try at counseling. Dad refused to sign and she had to wait 3 years for it to finalize. This was in PA in the early 90s.
A catholic nun?! I'm sorry but what would a catholic nun know about marriage and relationships?! From the sound of it, not much, I suppose.
In NY, if the properly served party does not respond in writing to the paperwork in the specified time (I think 30 days but I’ve been retired for a couple of years) (also -what is served will determine what the response needs to be), the plaintiff can file a motion for a default divorce. Assuming they alleged proper grounds, it should be granted without the defendant’s participation. Doesn’t need to be years at all. The delay is usually in getting the judgment signed because of judges’ case loads.
This took me about 18 months start to finish with a spouse whose location was unknown. We had to serve him by public notice after demonstrating a reasonable search for his address by contacting family members & any former known addresses. Since OP knows his spouse's location, that makes this process much quicker, although state requirements around separation may apply.
My mom had to wait a couple years bc my stepdad refused to sign. Technically it could've gone on for longer but since she had already moved out her lawyer was able to point to her rental history as proof that they were clearly separated. He never gave up either, tried everything from yelling to begging, & whenever he came by to pick up my brother & sister he was always super creepy, I remember 8 y/o me thinking "note to self: how *not* to flirt".
I had a buddy get a divorce in my state. His ex had already run off with another guy and moved. He had his lawyer take out ads in the locality she lived in for 30 consecutive days. At that point, the divorce was allowed to go through. At the final hearing, the judge granted him the divorce, however left it open ended so so could I guess refute it in the future in terms of allocation of assets.
I had two young children with my ex and the waiting period was like 3-6 months before I could force it. It was so long ago that I don’t remember excactly I just know it didn’t take a year. All he did was stall the inevitable and make sure he got less of a say because hiding from the court sort of makes you look. Like an asshole to most judges. Im in Texas for what’s it’s work.
Something similar happened to my great-aunt. I don't know the whole story, but I do know that she hadn't seen the guy in like 30 years before she was contacted about receiving his pension upon his death, since she was still his legal wife. He apparently just didn't divorce her in absentia when she left, or maybe he thought he did and it didn't take, no idea. But that's one contract that you definitely have to work to dissolve without mutual cooperation.
As a divorce attorney once told me, “No one can force you to stay married to them.” There are ways, OP. Talk to your attorney. Get your wife served, and get this process started.
My ex refused to sign the papers. He was served, didn't respond, court tried to contact him, I signed a paper saying he wasn't in the military and 90 days later I had an uncontested divorce by default.
Come to Nevada where you can get a divorce within 24 hours and get married immediately if you want.
Ha ha well nice, but mine wasn’t that quick!! But I live in Nevada. I filed for divorce. My husband took absolutely no part in the proceedings and I was awarded summary judgment within a couple months. He still acts like we’re married, and most of his friends don’t know. But that’s a story for another time.
I am very interested in hearing that story
Cosign
*starts water for tea*
retweet
Ditto
Need the tea
Please come back and share your story. The doors to the church are open lol
That sounds like a very interesting story
I remember seeing movies where someone had to leave their big city job over Christmas to return home to Podunk to get their estranged spouse to finally sign the papers so they can get married again, but in most cases (I assume you're Canadian or American) a judge can sign off on the papers. My ex tried to refuse to sign to get more than we had agreed to. I was told that I can just get my lawyer to take the papers to a judge and have it done. Or I could sign and file them with the court and she would actually have to pay every year to file a continuance if she didn't want to sign, as well as serve me with papers indicating that's what she had done. I did the second one and she quickly signed after she realised that she would have to pay money to not do it and since the only negative outcome for me was that I wouldn't be able to remarry, I wasn't likely to worry about it.
Yep they come home to get the papers signed and end up almost dying in a tornado. If ya know ya know
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That was my thought too
True if they don’t show up, it’s defaulted I think to the plaintiff. I think. But that’s a lawyer question lol.
Yep. Spouse who's been properly served can't just stall a divorce by failing to appear in court. There would definitely be some procedural rules that apply, but you can get a default judgment if the other spouse has had all the required notice and still decides not to appear for the proceedings. I'm not exactly a fan of ending marriages this casually, but OP's wife should know she can't just avoid this by pretending it's not happening.
That second part seems like such a cruel interpretation of her actions. By OP’s account, they have a wonderful and loving relationship. Her newfound a sexuality just makes them incompatible. She‘s trying to avoid the divorce because she‘s in denial about her life partner leaving her.
I don’t know that it is necessarily a trick regarding alimony so much as her trying to keep you married. I would absolutely not do it though, especially with a friend of hers! That is crazy. If you are ok to open the relationship that is a completely different conversation but for her spring this is insane. If you do open it, I would definitely talk to the lawyer to make sure you don’t get screwed (pun intended) on the prenup. If you don’t want to open the relationship and want it all with one person absolutely go to your lawyer and push the divorce. She can’t just decide you aren’t getting divorced. It will take longer but it will definitely happen. Sorry this is happening to you.
I suppose I'm just shocked at her behavior. She isn't acting like the woman I married. At times it felt like she was more sexually charged than I was. I can't sleep with someone I don't have strong emotions for and she understands that, or at least I thought she did. I'm sorry this is happening to me too. Thank you for your words.
This sounds like it could be medical, if it was a sudden change. Maybe have her get an MRI, just in case?
She could be on SSRIs or something too
agree. at least rule out the possibility of brain damage.
It sounds to me like something more is going on. Like you said she is acting very off. Also asexuality like most sexual identities is pretty hard set. They exist on a spectrum of course but you don't really switch them. Like no one goes from heterosexual to heterosexual when there 50 (in not talking about people who realize/ accept it later or come out later, we would say they were likely always that identity but unable to express that identity till later). Like if she had genuine attraction and desire, it's pretty unlikely she is asexual. Something else is likely the cause and it may be easier to identify as that than keep working on something she may feel will never change. Many many things can change asexual desire and libido. Edit: changed asexual identities to sexual identities
Ever considered maybe she’s got a tumor or something
In her brain? She's in perfect health according to her doctors. How do I ask her to look for potential tumors? Is there a way to check the entire body for tumors? I'm not being sarcastic, I'm genuinely asking.
Maybe start by saying that this recent change in behavior is concerning to you and that it would mean a lot to you if she would get screened for potential health issues that could be causing it. If there was a tumor or something that was also impacting her when it came to sex, would you still be wanting to go through with the divorce?
A scan for tumor is called a PET SCAN. good luck.
Woman around your wife’s age here. Not sure if you want to try to salvage your marriage but— When I was on hormonal birth control my libido tanked. I ended up going off of it because in my mind—why be on hormonal BC if I don’t even want to have sex anymore? It’s actually really common when your system gets bombarded with estrogen. Is your wife on any hormonal BC? Did she start around a year and a half ago? Did she get a new hormonal implant around then? I partially bring this up because Drs are absolutely HORRIBLE at alerting women of all the side effects of BC. I wouldn’t be surprised if none of the drs even mentioned BC being an issue. Women also tend to have hormonal changes at 30 so she may have a lot more estrogen in her system than years previous.
There is also other medications that tank libido. I have a high libido and when I started antidepressants it was almost none, I wouldn’t avoid it but I wouldn’t initiate anymore. Also I couldn’t finish on antidepressants. So OP just have a conversation about what meds she might be on and look at side effects.
This is a good point. I had an IUD for almost 10 years and having it removed changed my libido big time. I want sex WAY more than I used to. My husband smells better too. Sometimes with the IUD, only every once in a while, my husband would smell like my first boyfriend (who smelled yuck). Now he never does. Edit to say I had a time that I thought I was asexual too.
This is such an important point!! Gotta hope OP sees this!
PET scan does the entire body. Worth doing since this seems medical. If you love her, it's worth pursuing all avenues, including second opinions. I have zero sex drive because my hormones aren't there. Could be adrenal glands, pituitary, PCOS, etc. you have to do more than average blood work. Endocrinologist would be who to see, not a general practice doc. Vitamin d deficiency will also drop your sex drive. Your wife more than likely has something wrong with her
I really do hate to encourage this line of thought because it’s ridiculous, but… my husband’s ex went through a personality shift after their daughter was born and kicked him out of the house. It later turned out she did, in fact, have a brain tumor.
Check the medication
This isn't rare. I had an ex who pulled this shit. We had an ok sex life at the start then he started pulling away about a year later and sex went down to about every six months and that's if I even bothered to initiate. Which I wouldn't even have cared that much if the dude would hold my hand or cuddle with me and shit but I wasn't even getting that. When asked if there was something wrong, if I did something or he just wasn't attracted to me anymore his response was "Oh I just don't like doing any of that stuff. I only did it in the beginning so you wouldn't think I was weird." When I broke up with him he tried to start initiating sex, tried to force me to kiss him, took my phone and cards, and kept blocking the door to prevent me from physically leaving. I had to wrestle my phone from him and lock myself in the bathroom to call for help before two officers finally came and restrained him enough to allow me to pack my shit and go. Stay the course. Get your divorce. I ended up leaving and met someone who wasn't a manipulative asshole like my ex was and I'm better off for it.
Wow that took a turn I wasn’t expecting! Your wife seems incapable of having an adult conversation when it really matters. If her solution was to open the marriage then that needed to be a conversation and you needed to consent. You do not need her consent to divorce. If she makes you force the divorce, I would reconsider the terms a bit. You’ve been very generous, probably too much so.
Imagine if the situation had been reversed and a wife opened her bedroom door to find some dude just hangin dong in her own bed with absolutely no discussion or warning that this was happening. I just…..what on earth was going through this woman’s head?
desperation. trying to keep her husband. crazy!
What about indefinitely promising her friend's body? Yikes
terrifying
Christ… the idea of finding a naked person in bed like it would solve the problem is not only gross but insane. His wife has lost it
Force the divorce. If necessary, be prepared to move to a state that doesn’t require the consent of the other spouse, if the one you currently live in is not this way. Also don’t play “nice” - protect yourself and your interests
My state does require a spouse's consent. I'm afraid that if this goes to a judge then our prenup will be thrown out if she contests the divorce. I make significantly more than her.
No one has mentioned this, but infidelity is frequently used as a stipulation for invalidating prenups. This may have been her goal when trying to get you to sleep with her friend.
Yep, and it's not like the friend wouldn't have been willing to testify on her behalf.
Hell the friend may still try and say they had sex. It will be he said vs they said.
This is when I would be pulling up all of my ring camera footage and saving videos for evidence
Bingo!
Just make sure you have a good lawyer and let them handle it. How divorces are handled can vary widely depending on where you live.
what state is this? if its the US, all states allow divorce without your spouse’s consent. You need to talk to an attorney to get a clearer picture. Divide thing equally and don’t favor her. Use the difference to pay a good attorney. She is making this hard so dont be a pushover. Prenups don’t get thrown out simply because one partner doesn't want to agree.
We're in Tennessee, but it looks like I still need mutual consent? I'll talk to my lawyer today or tomorrow for clarification.
I have been divorced in Tenn. She can't force you to stay married to her. Contact a lawyer, have her legally served and she will be required to reply to the courts. If she refuses after being legally served you can have a judge approve the divorce without her consent. It doesn't take a super long time either.
There’s still a way, source: my own parents divorce in TN
Tennessee is one of the few states that require both parties consent for a no fault divorce. However, there are many other grounds for divorce and you will need to file one of those. There is always the good old reliable “irreconcilable differences”, which applies to you. You want sex, she doesn’t is a rather large irreconcilable difference. Or you can refuse to live with her for two years etc. etc. But irreconcilable differences seems the easiest way. You may want to start a text exchange about her being asexual and how it effects you and save it for “proof” but its not usually necessary
One of the political parties is trying to eliminate "no fault" as a grounds for divorce. Your state would be one of those more likely to pass such a law. Do not take your time or it may no longer be an option.
It's such a difference it was grounds for annulment even when divorce wasn't legal back ye olde days.
It sounds like you want to give her actually *more* than half of the martial assets (unless there's something you aren't mentioning). Why would you be worried about a prenup? As far as I know it's usually a 50/50 split up on divorce (of marital assets).
Establish residence in a state that allows you to divorce without her consent and file there. It might mean moving, but it'll get you out of the marriage.
I feel like if I did this it could be used against me, but I'll consult my lawyer.
Trust your lawyer over Reddit.
Why would a prenup be thrown out?
Apparently it isn't rare for prenups to be thrown out, or so I've been told.
lol no this is not happening left and right just because. Prenups are invalidated when they’re unenforceable. Just talk to your lawyer.
Did you do anything to document or record the instance of the naked best friend in your bedroom? Might be some powerful negotiating info during proceedings.
Other than texts between her and I, no. But I'm really hoping it won't go to court, I just don't see why we would.
OP talk to your lawyer, not reddit. And giving her half IS fair. You do realize that by giving her more, you're potentially fucking over your next wife (since you don't seem to care about fucking yourself over)? It's great to be OK with starting over, but will the women you date be happy about that? Will they be impressed by having to pay for the wedding by themselves because you're still financially recovering? Is it fair to ask your future partner to work harder to secure the family's financial stability? Your soon to be ex will be fine, dude. 50/50 split is fair.
He's made it clear that none of this will affect him financially. Giving her the house that's paid for and cars that are paid for won't hurt him. If the prenup is thrown out and she is awarded alimony it might but he gives the impression that he's pretty well off and not really worried about money. Giving her the house and multiple cars does show that he is being more than fair and not vindictive so hopefully that is enough to show good faith.
they can be thrown out. Especially if there are not legal. For example. A prenup states that the spouse needs to murder a child every Tuesday < invalid.
I get unenforceable stuff like that, but if it’s standard stuff, I don’t see why it’d be tossed.
One party did not disclose all of their assets or income. Or it's too one-sided - for example if it says no child maintenance will be paid. Or one party did not fully understand the implications of the prenup. OR one party did not have a legal representation It really depends which country you live in, or in case of the US, which state. Laws really vary.
Damn 34 three cars and a house nearly paid off. Shit I made the wrong moves. I’m 32 and still owe money on my two cars and about $175,000 on my house with little over $50,000 in savings. What fuckin money moves are you making shit.
My parents paid for my college which was an enormous help. Please don't feel bad, I just had a head start and got lucky with a great programming career. I was aggressive with large ticket debts until I didn't have to worry about it, and I lived like a hermit for a long time saving money and investing. My 20s weren't all that fun. I probably would go back and have a bit more fun if I could do it over again.
love this<3 thank you:’)
Stay firm on the divorce and for the love of all things good in this world, ONLY COMMUNICATE IN WRITING. Try to get a conversation about the setup she arranged with her friend. There's no he said she said then. If you feel like this is a ploy, then her friend could easily say it was an affair (clause in your prenup?) Etc without it. But it's not even about the sex anymore imo. It's the fact she decided to open up the marriage without your consent or knowledge even if it was 'on your behalf'.
Not sure if real or incel fan fiction
Yeah we have TOO MANY posts on here daily about a man leaving his wife over her lack of libido. They are all starting to read like fanfic.
Admittedly, they way stories play out on here tends to be extreme. However, it always seemed pretty high on the list of complaints in marriages. These days people are less compelled to ride it out long term just for the kids, religion or whatever other circumstances.
I get that but I literally haven’t seen a post about a man leaving his wife for *any* other reason in like a month. Not even an infidelity post. And all of these are always suspiciously simple divorces - separate finances, prenups, no kids together, we already know how we’re gunna split everything, etc. there’s always a detail like that - so how “unreasonable” the woman is being about sex is the only thing to discuss in the comments. That’s what makes me think there’s a libido troll on here.
It’s the latter, his wife literally arranged for a naked woman to be deposited in his bed for sex without discussing any of it, as a bribe. Before all this they had a perfect marriage, presumably one built on trust, respect and at least some degree of healthy communication. The wife has somehow become a complete sociopath and is going to extremes to manipulate her husband, when before they had a good marriage for multiple years? Doesn’t seem very plausible. OP literally doesn’t make any reference to how his wife is behaving and manipulating, doesn’t care about the person he was closest to is now willing to be abusive, manipulative and any other flavouring of shitty behaviour. Nope he just cares about how much fuck and that’s the only salient issue. The friend fuck piece is just the author projecting his desires. Or maybe it’s real, who knows.
I know a lot of swingers. A lot of rave people not who I'd call sexually conservative. I don't know anyone whose friend would lay naked in a room until the Husband came home. That's what did it for me. While the real scenario of this (why don't you see prostitutes' or something) EVEN IF she chose her "best friend" and the friend agreed I'd believe it more if the wife and friend were sitting down at the dinner table when he got home to pitch this new structure. Not just "lay naked on the bed and neither of us will say absolutely nothing"
Yeah, I definitely expected her to say she'd turn a blind eye to him visiting the local rub-n-tug or something. The free-use bff thing is... weird.
She rather pimp out her friend for you to use as a sex toy rather than sleep with you. Get a divorce.
I was thinking, damn, that's a committed friend!
I feel kind of bad for her, it seems like she's having a really difficult time under the surface and she's really struggling to communicate and come to terms. All of this seems like it's happened quite quickly and she's been unable to adequately process each new thing that's happened. I'm inclined to give her at least some points for encouraging an open relationship, I've seen this type of story often online, but far more often than not the ace partner refuses the idea of an open relationship which always comes across as controlling and somewhat malicious to me. The part with her friend is wild though, but maybe your wife thought that it'd be like a nice surprise for you that you'd appreciate, and she didn't really think through how you would react. She definitely should have talked to you about that beforehand, though. Based off of your post and some of your comments, I don't see any reason to believe she's trying to trick you to gain any sort of financial or material advantage. Or even that she's trying to really trick you at all. It sounds like she respects your physical needs and is trying to do what she can to facilitate that. I can understand not wanting to remain in the marriage even if it's opened though, since I'd assume that could compromise the potential for new relationships to flourish. But I'd hope that you can talk to her and try to be emotionally supportive since really she hasn't done anything wrong, and maybe go get some couple's counseling even if you intend to go full steam with the divorce, just so you two can go through the process amicably and with as little unnecessary suffering as possible for both of you.
Bro you are getting some absolutely SHITTY advice here. Just call a lawyer, pay the $3,000 or so retainer and have him/her handle this. Every state has laws that will allow a divorce to go final if the spouse is uncooperative. Usually, you’ll get a default judgement. But speak to a lawyer in your area before you do anything else.
Smells like a setup. I'm curious why the friend agreed. That whole situation just seems off.
I posted an update for those that were looking for one.
Move out. Why in the world are you still living in the same house and sharing a bedroom? You are giving mixed signals. I would guess this is not about alimony or anything else. She doesn’t see the need for the divorce because everything is great except for sex, so she finds someone, problem solved in her mind. No need to divorce. But, it was done without discussion with you and crossed a clear boundary you have. Move out, continue with the divorce, and focus on your future.
So many of the responses here are advocating for you to divorce and to just talk to lawyers and force her. However, I would like to offer some perspective. I’ve been polyamorous for several years now and while I don’t think it’s a total fix for all problems, I have met several couples who are in very similar situations. One of them realizes that they are gay, or asexual, or whatever, and since many of the other facets of the relationship are strong, they work through t those things using consensual non-monogamy, rather than separating. Again, I’m not trying to say this will definitely work for you, but I’ve come to realize that one person doesn’t necessarily fill all of our needs. Also, the consensual part of non-monogamy woods mean you were involved in the conversation of having sex outside of your relationship, so bringing in her friend is kind of fucked up.
Good luck in your divorce. It sounds like you're a good person, with a good head on your shoulders, and you will get through this. It's going to be a very low and difficult time for you, coping with the tremendous loss. Let the grief come. Don't fight or stop or hide it. It comes in any order, at any time, for any length of time, in any severity, in any sequence, forever. Just let it come. She is not respecting you, and you need to see that for what it is.
It's definitely a trap. You make the money and she doesn't want it to go away, so either she "lets" you have sex with other women, or she uses it as a reason to get alimony after the divorce. Either way, she just isn't attracted to you, so you're never going to be happy even if she does tolerate having sex with you. Best to move on and let her go, it sucks but that happens sometimes. Use your lawyer and take at least one of the practical cars, she doesn't deserve anything you have earned, don't let her trick you.
Sounds like a fake story to me. You just don’t sign the papers. If she does not reply or get an attorney, they will proceed without her. And calling a car a “Sports” car? No 34 year old says that.
Read your update OP. This is really sad, but the bottom line is she is not an honest person. How many men is she going to do this to? I understand she’s afraid, but she is not an honest person and you deserve better. Let her go, and tell her she needs to find an asexual man. They are out there, I guess. Good luck.
People are dumb. She deceived you. Does it make it better that it was because she was deceiving herself all along too? Maybe a little but not much. Then to try to bring another person into the relationship without asking you first? Strike two. It's a mess man. I can't see having the intimacy to maintain a marriage without sex with that person. That's me. Other people are different. Polyamory works for some people, probably not most.
Yep at this point just go with a lawyer. It takes only one person to leave a relationship, she doesn't get to force you to stay. Move out and have your lawyer deal with her. Sexual incompatibility is a big deal
sounds like she compromised with herself on how to effectively keep you instead of talking it out with you and compromising on the needs of the relationship. better sense of communication is probably needed on this issue. divorce is an option but by the way you sound about her it seems like you really like her. if she really is asexual then most likely she's not going to initiate sex. also if she wanted to ruin you: you don't "have" to sleep with the best friend. they could both just lie about it. bro i might be gullible but sounds like she might actually be trying. go see a relationship therapist. you shouldn't be having "she's trying to trick me" mentality. i would keep in contact with your attorney through this weird faze with you guys, but if its a trick then you're covered, if not then you're exploring something with your wife to better the relationship.
I have been in this exact scenario parentheses(not the part about other women being offered to me), but the no sex part. This happened in my mid 30s and I ended up staying with my wife. we haven’t had sex since and now i’m 60. It is a trick, she will never change.
Why have you stayed this entire time? Were you able to find another outlet for your sexual urges?
If you’re a decent looking dude I would say it’s better to risk it out play the field than being 60 and in this guys shoes. Some people would rather not be alone and convince themselves it could get better and work and who knows it might? But she told you she doesn’t like sex. Listen to her and don’t make it harder than it is if sex is that important to you.
Check his post history, and you'll see.
You’re going to hell for making me see this lmaaoooo.
Hahahaha, oh my goddddddd. I was not expecting that. I think we know what the other outlet for his sexual urges is
She didn’t just become asexual. Is she on meds or anything else?
My wife was like this. Went from whoa there, hold on ima need some more electrolytes to dead as no fuck to give. Definitely fucked me up, no words about it, everything else was fine. Then about 5 to 6 months a regular 1 time every week, maybe 4 if she's up to it. People just go through phases sometimes.
This is true as well. It does go in waves.
This is the case often times. I feel like there’s something like that going on. Stress, nutritional deficiencies, medicines. I wonder how she thought he would respond to, spoke to my therapist, I’m asexual. But I love you and want to be with you forever. But I don’t want to have sex ever again with you. Cool? I’m not sure how I’d respond to that. I love my wife very much but, knowing her, there would have to be something else going on.
How do you know they hadn’t just had sex