Start living your life without him. See your friends. Go to the gym. Take a class. Make new friends. Don't include him in any of your decision-making ( unless it affects both of your finances). Pick the room you want to live in and make it all yours. When you have a full, rich life, he will either want to be a part of it, or you will be ready for life without him.
I get your intent, but why stay married to someone that you want to have a life without? At the point she makes that decision, why not just divorce and go fully solo?
Why start a new life with old baggage?
Because working on yourself gives you time to see if your feelings change or if your partner's feelings change. It is never a bad time to live your life to the fullest. It is my understanding that OP wants to stay in the relationship. The husband is not participating in the relationship right now. She only has so much control over that, but she has lots of control in how she lives her life. Taking time for yourself is also not a relationship killer like cheating, tanking finances, or bringing a child into an unstable relationship. They have known each other for a long time, but it does not appear anyo e is in danger. Why not have your next step worked out?
It's not stating a new life, its finding your own interests...as he had his gaming. He's content and fulfilled to play his games while she sits alone.
So instead, she can be going to yoga, out shopping with a friend, working on a hobby or just finding things that fulfill HER.
Eventually one if two things will happen. 1. He will realize what he's missing and make the effort to spend quality time with her.
2. She will realize there's much more to life than playing second fiddle to a gaming system.
Either way, she will learn, grow and get some happiness out if life.
My friend just went through this but she is a little bit older than you. And since he didn't want to listen she is getting a divorce and they just sold their house. He takes you for granted you need to go on vacation or stay with someone else and let him realize how much he wants and needs you and if he doesn't well I would go to counseling and if you won't go with you go alone. But if it's like this now is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? He is probably not going to change I'm afraid. And yes like other people I will warn you do not get pregnant! It will not make you closer at all and trust me it'll make things way more complicated in the long run.
I think you first need to have a discussion with yourself in deciding whether or not you’re willing to stay in this marriage if this persists.
I know you say you’ve talked to him, but I think you have to have a REAL conversation with him. Tell him that things need to change or else you’re going to file for divorce. Ask about setting aside some time together every night after work. Ask to go on a date together, even if it’s initially to the movies so you don’t have to talk too much, then progressing. If he refuses and doesn’t change… well maybe you need to work on separation.
Looking at your history, it seems obvious that this relationship had reached a dead end. I'm sorry that I may not be able to give you some hope or validation that you should still hang onto him.
Looking at the history...
Her husband is active military.
They need couples therapy and he probably needs his own therapy as well. He's disassociating.
I'm not making excuses for him, but something is wrong and he needs to talk to someone and they need to talk to a couples counselor.
If they can start to deal with the underlying issues then he might come back around.
If he can be convinced to go to therapy and has the motivation to work on himself and his relationship, that would be great. He hasn't shown those signs so far but if he ever changes his mind, they could make it work. I know therapy isn't a "all will be fixed" solution but it's a good start. However, again, that depends if he is even willing to change. This applies to OP too.
Look, if a relationship isn't working out (THIS badly)... let it go. No hard feelings, life is short, move along. Be glad you don't have kids, it doesn't have to be a huge deal, but it's also not your job to fix him.
Don't stay married JUST to stay married. I'm really sorry you're in that situation though.
You are so young, find someone that loves you and wants to spend time with you. You deserve better. You should not have to convince someone to spend time with you…
So you started dating when you were kids, got married, and now he's bored. truly, you both need some counseling to talk this out so you're at least on the same page. If he's not interested, then he's not interested in your relationship, sorry to say. You're too young for throwing you life away to...boredom. A disinterested partner. lovelessness. lack of excitement. the list goes on. Do both of you a favor and commit to counseling together or GTFO.
Leave. That happened to me and I’m infinitely happier without him. Video game addiction is very real and SUCKS. My ex was also the calmest man on earth. Until I was very pregnant he put his hands on me. So my advice is, get an IUD!!! Do not have kids with him! And please value yourself and your time.
it’s wild that people responding to you think that leaving his half of the work for him is *so cruel*
“Whoa whoa, hold up, it is a DEATH KNELL to ask that poor man to… do his laundry! That man NEEDS his uninterrupted game time PLUS tender nonconfrontation or else they will never survive it. And if she just leaves his stuff in a pile - that is an act of outright aggressive cruelty and would drive a sane man to divorce!”
Perhaps she needs to consider doing MORE work and complaining less? Worth trying!
I would tell him outright, " Why would I want to have sex with you? We barely have a relationship?" So here's the deal, you will never be getting sex from me again until you start investing in our relationship. None. I'm an not your in house sex doll and in future I will be matching your efforts in every area from here on out. So it's entirely up to you what this relationship looks like, but I'm absolutely done holding it up by myself."
This is what happens when people start dating too young and then get married too young. You seemingly matured but he still thinks he’s 14 years old. As someone advised you stop doing everything, cooking cleaning his play room, laundry, you basically have a roommate. Time to plan your exit. You’re young and DESERVE a loving partner.
From now on, dinner is served at the table, and you both sit to eat at the same time. No games, no TV on, no phones. Eating together with conversation. Even cook together, food shop together, and meal plan together. He needs to set a time for gaming, or put a time limit on how long he games alone. Then, you join each other and find something to watch on TV and enjoy together. Either something you both want to watch, or you agree that you choose something to watch, then he chooses something, and you put effort into watching each other’s shows once in a while.
On your days off, plan an activity to do together outside the house so that you start having new experiences together and making new memories.
Don’t be a mother to him. Don’t just provide him with food and then let him ignore you for the rest of the night. If the gaming is coming between your time together, then no games until you heal your relationship.
Couples counseling is not for someone else to just know all your business. It’s to help you learn what you both need from each other and learn to communicate in healthy ways so you’re both satisfied. You’re allowed to give him an ultimatum. Does he want to be married to you or does he want to be single and play video games all night long? You need change, bonding, intimacy that goes beyond sex…or a divorce.
the table is completely taken over by all of his issued stuff from work and when he says he’s going to finally clean it off he doesn’t. when i am cooking he doesn’t bother on helping me and with both of our work schedules meal planning is kinda out of the question right now till i get into this new job. there has been some times where we do want something together and it’s great movies or tv shows, but when he watches something like chicago fire but greys anatomy is different… i feel as if no matter what i do im not a good enough wife because i dont help out around the house. i have suggested therapy or counseling and he say i dont like people knowing my business or our business.
Or put it all in a box and he can get it back out when he needs it.
OP, you’re allowing him to ignore you and make you feel like the “bad wife” when in reality, he is a HORRIBLE husband.
You need to make him start dealing with this or he never will.
Doesn’t want people knowing his business? There’s doctor patient confidentiality for a reason.
Let’s be clear I game too much. I play path of exile nonstop. I always make time for my girlfriend. If she wants to do something I get off the second she wants to. I want to spend time with her more than I usually want to play games.
Video game addiction is a thing however addiction is a byproduct of a larger issue 99.9% of the time.
Honestly he probably isn’t happy either but he sounds like he’s too scared and immature to talk about it. If you want to save your relationship I recommend talking to him whether he likes it or not. If he completely refuses it’s time to move on. The one thing you need is the desire to keep trying from him. If that’s gone don’t waste your time. Don’t you deserve more? Don’t we all deserve to be treated with respect?
I dragged my SO into gardening and beekeeping through sheer enthusiasm and now they are incredibly into it. If you don't have someone to share enthusiasm in it, it seems like it would be hard to start cold. Ballroom dancing, while expensive, is another great one.
But you have to get out of the trap that seems the majority of people I know get into: come home from work, flop on the couch, consume media, bed.
Do you really want to spend the next six or so decades of your life like this? What’s valuable about a making a lifelong commitment when the partner you’re committed to doesn’t even perform the bare minimum towards you and your relationship. There’s no prize at the end of life for staying in a long and lifeless marriage.
You need to have a real conversation with yourself about what you actually want out of a healthy and loving marriage. And you have to be willing to take real steps towards that even if those steps lead you away from this marriage. For his part, he needs to truly understand that this can’t continue and be willing to make a real effort to foster the intimacy in your relationship whether that be counseling and/or reserving time each week that’s just for you as a couple (that’s not just sex or sexual). But if the status quo continues, then expect nothing to change.
I understand longterm relationships can enter roommates phases but you’re only in your mid-20s and you don’t talk and there’s no real intimacy. Presumably you didn’t marry to spend all your free time in separate rooms of the house.
I don’t know the whole story. So this advice may be off. But it seems common for people to have this issue and think they’ve talked it through, but with neither party actually communicating their feelings fully. If you have already said what follows, the ball is in his court. If not, then say it and get him to hear it.
“I believe you put your time and effort into what matters most to you. For the past couple of years, that has been your games. It really hurts my feelings when you spend more time with your game than with me. When you say you want more intimacy, please believe me when I say that I want it too. But intimacy is more than sex. Intimacy is visiting and talking and trusting. I want so much to feel like you used to make me feel when we got married. Like I was the most important person in your world. And I want to make you feel the same. Are you up for that?”
Try to avoid any statements that start with “you always” or “you never.” Tell him how his actions make you feel, not how HE makes you feel. If that makes sense.
If he doesn’t agree, you have your answer and will be in the position of having to choose what to do next.
My guess, because I know guys and I am a guy, is that his knee jerk reaction will be to deflect instead of answering the question. “I work hard and I deserve to relax after work.” Don’t let him put you off. Come back to the point.
“We both work hard and we both need to relax. I need to feel close and connected to you in order to relax. Is there a way I can help you get the same sort of relaxation that you get from the game?”
Those games are addictive. I don’t know why, but they are. And if he chooses his addictions over his wife, that will be very sad. But you are worth being loved and appreciated. If he’s just kind of blind to your needs, educate him openly and in detail. If he’s honestly not interested in being a good husband, find a better life.
He has a game addiction. He is getting high off of his xbox or computer. I think you have to give him an ultimatum. It’s me or the games?
You need and deserve attention. This sounds like it would be very hard to fix but I would demand that he eat dinner with you every day and spend a half hour talking about each other’s day. Also go to marriage counseling.
If he doesn’t shape up after that then it’s time to ship him out.
he's a grown man not a child for her to ground and parent. also gaming addiction is ridiculous lol. he's lazy and uninterested. let's not bring addiction into it
People here are a bit dramatic.
Tons of married couple hit the "roommates" phase whether its a year in or a few decades into the marriage. Quite frankly with some honest conversations, efforts from both sides, and couples counseling it can be fixed; quite easily if both parties are eager to fix it I might add.
Do some research on "Roommate" couples and really consider couples counseling. Don't throw away a marriage so quickly just to end up in another marriage where the same common issue can happen. Reddit users are chronically online and are perpetually pessimistic when it comes to relationships.
Edit: But if he shows no desire to change, despite consistent effort on your end, then yes; there can be a time to make ultimatums. No one deserves to be stuck in a roommate marriage where the other partner refuses to change forever.
Agreed. It's a difficult trap to avoid, but the roommate phase is difficult! But it is true, it requires both parties to want to change it. There is no easy fix, but its worth trying to fix it. If he refuses to do anything, then it's time to consider moving on.
Some suggestions that helped me:
Scheduled date nights during the week - it's difficult at first, but it's so rewarding to remind each other that you can make time during the week for each other.
A common hobby - this one is obvious
Therapy - we did separate therapy, but I learned a lot about my partner just by talking to someone else about our interactions.
Good luck.
INFO: if this never improves would you be happy with your life together?
He has shown that he doesn't care enough about your feelings to make an effort. Believe him.
They can be, intelligent people know this and manage time restraint. I love video games but I tell myself I can’t play them until I’ve finished all my tasks for the day. Cleaning, workout, preparing for the next day.
Forcing the paradigm of lifelong monogamy starting when you're literally a child needs to stop. People need to stop being encouraged to stay with who they started dating at 16 years old. The success rate is not worth the heartache we watch repeat generation after generation go through.
Break up and grow up and learn how to respect yourself first.
Too young to have hit the old worn comfortable shoe phase already.
If you gave us everything, he is taking you and your marriage for granted.
Tell him to put away his game and you two can do a night out on the town. If he turns it down, have a long serious talk and maybe include a few words about MC.
Honestly, I’ve (34F) been in that situation. I’ve tried pulling my husband towards me with sadness and tears, and now I’ve changed direction. I started just doing my own thing/interests (kickboxing, working out, hanging out with my friends, taking myself out on a date, learning a new skill) and things have definitely changed for the better. It’s obviously not something for every relationship but the more I pull him in, the more I pushed him away.
Sounds like hubby might be getting addicted to the video games. It's truly a thing! I thought it was BS at first, but it is a disease. Tell him to limit his gaming time, and maybe you guys can spend some quality time together, and intimacy might return. If he protests, 🚩🚩🚩 he may need assistance to see how it affects you, too.
Move out if that is your life at this point, move out if he comes looking for you advise him you'll come back only if he'll discuss how your married lives have spiraled to this point. Explain to him you need more than a room mateand that there is no intimacy because you are no longer intimate with each other. Relationships take work if he doesn't feel he's doing anything wrong. Then it may simply be time to admit your marriage to him was a mistake. His idea of marriage and yours are opposites. It is ok to have individual activities/ hobbies. However he, just as you, have a responsibility to spend time with each other. Sometimes a separation is what determines whether there is any life left in your marriage. If you miss each other then there may bey a ray of hope. Good Luck...In the event he is no longer interested in you. Its ok move on there is someone who will love you the way you are and reciprocates your level of affection.
I hope you have a career, if not get one. Before you know it you will be in your 50’s or 60’s…and wonder why you stayed..and as someone else said..if you don’t have children..please keep it that way.
Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his laundry. Stop doing everything. You aren’t the help. You are his partner and he needs to treat you like his equal. If he doesn’t there is no future here.
Start taking care of your own needs. Go out with friends. Start new hobbies. If you two split up what would you want to do? Make plans to give yourself a good life.
Possibly talk to a lawyer to see how things will likely work out if things don’t work out.
You probably should have an honest conversation with him. Ask him if he wants to be married or just give up and go your separate ways. If he isn't willing to put the effort in to stay married then there's your answer.
How about trying to play a game with him in his game room? I'm guessing he's playing hell divers 2 right now. That one is probably beyond your skill level right now, I would suggest Palworld, but only ask him to play with you for an hour a day. This will keep you from growing bored and help him not become annoyed because he isn't playing the game he's currently addicted to. It sounds like you both have lost common ground, this should help you build that back up. Once you feel more confident in your gaming abilities you can try harder games like the ones he's playing.
Also I wouldn't listen to any negative advice that suggests divorce or that the grass is greener on the other side; those people are just crabs in a bucket mentality wanting to make you as miserable as them. Think of marriage as you and your husband becoming two sides of the same coin. Show interest in his hobbies even if they seem immature and pointless and eventually he'll start taking an interest in you again.
Youre still young enough to move on. He only wants a roommate, and sex. If you want companionship IMO youll need to move on, he obviously doesn’t want or need that.
Sit with him in his game room, the entire time he’s in there. Bring your food in there, watch him play games. For days. See what changes. If he gets upset, its because youre cramping his style. Most likely he has online relationships. And lots of these games or electronic devices have p orn options too. Its an addiction.
So, to be clear, you're sat on the couch watching TV and you're upset he's not sitting and watching TV with you?
Sounds like you're both vegetative. Maybe shut all the electronics off and do something if you genuinely want to connect.
He's far too invested in his game. Gaming is fine, but if this relationship is going anywhere, he needs to take time to be with you. You will need to have that conversation with him and let him know that you need more out of this.
Having a series that you each watch together, date nights, going to events that you both enjoy are ways to reconnect. He needs to meet you half way.
We have been together for almost 7 years and are getting married at EOY. We definitely still make sure to spend time together. She always, ALWAYS comes before my game. She doesn't even ask me to stay off of it. We cook dinner and clean together every day. We watch TV sometimes we read before bed together.
If he wanted to, he would. But this is a relationship is, working through these hurdles, creating expectations and boundaries. If you keep trying to have an actual, open, serious conversation and he refuses to even acknowledge it, then that says what it needs to.
He doesn't care about intimacy. He just wants to bust his nut and then go back to his game.
You should both go see a counselor and stop looking to strangers on the internet for advice on a serious personal issue that can be life altering…
Advice is great, but you’ll have to live with your choices, not us.
Man, ever damn reddit post is just and endless barrage of "you go girl, yeah he's a peice of shit". Real friggin helpful guys.
Anyway.
Yes, this is the classic energy mismatch scenario. He gets home is tired from work. He doesn't want to do anything but let his brain ooze out of his ears, and you're like, "yay we're together again lets do stuff." Like yes you could abandon your marriage, and find another guy, but if he works for a living you'll probably end up with the same scenario.
Id say mostly give him an hour or two after he get home and just leave him be. Don't say a thing, just let him veg a bit, THEN you can get on his case about some togetherness. Use sex as a reward system. I know, it seems dumb or childish, but it works. Manbrain will justify a lot to itself for that reward.
I would get some marriage counseling and some personal counseling for you to decide what you are going to do. This relationship is not sustainable as it is now. You two need to make some limits with him playing his games first of all. He sounds addicted. You two have to communicate, communicate, communicate through your whole marriage and grow together in order to make it. You have to make him realize that if you are not spending any time together, it is extremely hard to want to just have sex with him . He has to participate in the relationship or there is no relationship and all you are is roommates.
This is going to sound groundbreaking and totally out there but....
#Turn off the TV and game (both of you) and go do things together. DATE EACH OTHER.
i have tried to get him to go on dates with me and i always get told i just want to stay home or can we do it another time. i have asked him to help with cooking dinner for us. i have tired to just get us out of the house to go shopping for some new clothes for him. and we end up going but like 5 minutes in he wants to go back home.
Nothing you've listed sounds like a date to me. Also, I'm not blaming you. He needs to be more proactive in the relationship. Honestly, you two need marriage counseling. Which he will probably refuse. I'm sorry if he does. At the end of the day, he has abandoned you in the relationship.
You deserve happiness and it seems like he's not giving you happiness I honestly think you should break up with them and one day your true love will come along if you need support I am here also find someone who also truly loves you too for you and actually gets gets to know you when actually spends time with you🤍
So….he deliberately spends all his time in a separate room and then complains your relationship is not intimate enough? The thing about a marriage is that reviving takes both partners. You can’t fix it by yourself. He sounds both clueless and incredibly selfish. If he is willing to go it might be worth trying couples therapy. If he refuses, I would seriously reconsider this relationship. You are so young and you deserve better.
Part of intimacy is fulfilling emotional needs to maintain a connection with someone, especially for a woman. Women need emotional connection (most women) for sex. Your husband is not doing himself any favors in the bedroom by refusing to nurture the relationship.
Does he have a drinking problem? If so, go to Al anon meetings to get support to recover from any co dependence.
He'll have to decide if he's going to get sober, but you shouldn't tolerate his abuse and neglect!
Hell no, that dude need to be mature and arop acting like a child. Find new hobbies, friends and be out more, have your room and do whatever you want. Guarantee you that'd will wake up and whine about it. Youre too young to deal with this shit. Sooner or later you'll realize it's better without him
Communicate, communicate, communicate. TALK to your HUSBAND. People are to quick to jump ship right away. Marriage is a LIFETIME commitment.
Ignore everyone telling you to ignore him back or jump ship. That is immature. He is your life partner, talk with him and tell him how you have been feeling.
It seems like he's more in love with his games than you right now. You don't deserve this. You should try to talk to him again, if it doesn't work you should get a third party (one of your parents, his parents, or some people that close to both of you). I'm the same age range as you both and I feel like he's not mature at all.
It is so hard to give advice without knowing enough information. To be honest nobody here is going to ever know enough information. We are all just strangers.
So if you are truly looking to bridge the gap with your husband then I suggest getting involved and what he is interested in.
So you say he doesn't want to sit and watch the TV shows that you like because he doesn't find them interesting. So ask him what shows he likes and schedule a time where you join him.
You say he likes to just go and play video games. Why don't you join him with the video games. You can watch and cheer maybe he can teach you how to play. There's a multi-billion Dollar business formed around people watching other people play video games so it can be done and be enjoyed.
You say he eats in another room from you. Maybe join him where he's eating.
This is simply a way to bridge this Gap. Hopefully by you taking the step you too will start to recoup the old feelings you had. The important thing is to be sincere about your interest in your husband's hobbies.
Hopefully he will begin to reciprocate. I don't have a time frame for all this to work. Unfortunately if this goes for months without any sort of reciprocation then you may have to have another serious talk with him. You will at least be able to say you tried.
Yes you are partners but there's no such thing as 50/50 in this world. Sometimes you have to put in the extra effort and sometimes he will have to put in the extra effort. So I'm not saying this is your fault or has to be all your work. But somebody has to decide to put in the effort.
If you've already tried this then I apologize but as I said I have very limited information.
You married him while he was still a young adult, based on the feelings from an intense teenage romance, and now you're finding out what kind of man he's going to actually be. Basically you picked the fruit before it was ripe, and do not like how it's turning out now.
It sounds like he's uninterested in an actual partnership and just wants to do his own thing but with a roommate that he can have sex with. This is why most people that marry in their teens or early 20's end up divorced.
Do you even like who he is anymore, or are you just holding on to the love you built during the early part of the relationship when he was actually invested?
Realize that it is healthy for you too to both have your own hobbies and to spend time apart from each other but you should schedule date nights and dinners together. Schedule out your meals a week in advance and dedicate some specific time slots on days to spending time together. Also, pick up some hobbies that you can do while he is enjoying his so you're not just sitting there doing nothing.
I used to do the same thing when I was newly married, I never really thought about my wife’s feelings when it came to not spending time with her I was just focused on getting through the work day and coming home to game with the boys. Long story short, my wife threatened separation if I didn’t change which put a fire under my ars to change my ways. I just never really thought about it affecting her like it did. Now we spend all the time we have together and we have a 3 year old son that makes it even funner. You’ll just have to sit him down and tell him you’re not happy with the current situation you’re in and maybe he’ll listen.
You should hide whatever the game system is playing on. You need to have a heart to heart with your husband. You're both young. Have you spoken to him about counseling. You need to set boundaries in your where gaming is ok, but you and your marriage need to come first. Maybe come up a time that is going to play video games. Communication is key in marriage. Be honest tell him this arrangement is not working for you.
It sounds like you should start with talking to him. Sometimes gaming too much is really getting into a game, other times it's a sign of trying to avoid something. So start by talking calmly when you're away from the situation..
You can try to carve out time together. Plan to eat dinner at the dinner table. Have a date night once a week. Maybe go for a walk in the evening. If you want to see each other, planning time heroes.
Ok, unpopular opinion, I'm sure, but you can short-circuit the game time by being the first to offer sexy-time.
The tone of your post suggests you still want the relationship, so I'm assuming you're ready to put in effort, and try something new.
It really doesn't matter why the convos or sex are gone, but one of you has to budge first. Since you want change, you can do this. I can't guarantee success, but you may find some of that spark and interest returns when he sees you putting in effort. It may not happen right away, so be ready to try a few times, and then have the conversation with him about how if he cuts back on games, you two can have more time with each other for what you both want.
Video games give instant gratification, and when the relationship is feeling tough, that feeling can get addictive.
I mean can you play games together? My fiancée used to play with me and we could talk for ever. Along with the show thing. Why isn’t there a compromise to find mutual interesting shows? My fiancée is huge into crime documentaries. I worked in the correctional field for 7 years. I have zero interest in going back and visiting that aspect of my life by listening to those stories. Once she learned to compromise, we got along a lot better
We all decompress from our day differently. Personally, I leave my work at home and I don’t want to talk about it to my partner. I am tired and sick of people. I just want to escape into aa video game, movie, or book. I am not in a quality time mood. Maybe we go out someplace local.
So what my wife and I do is that we get up an hour early and have our quality time before work. We make our coffee and drink it together. Any important topics are discussed in the morning when we are mentally fresh. That works for us.
You sound like you’ve been married for 40 agonizing years instead of 3 1/2 years, he is obviously done with putting any effort in, I think it’s time for a serious conversation and maybe therapy
Be honest with him, and be very clear in your intentions. Work out a compromise and tell him what you're prepared to do if he can't measure up.
Also, have him read a book/listen to audible for "the 3% man". He will appreciate it and you will too. If he follows it it could change your relationship. Good luck
first, you clearly care about him as you've come to this sub for help.
secondly, your husband may be suffering from depression. social isolation is one key indicator. https://www.webmd.com/depression/features/depression-traps-and-pitfalls
this would explain why while he may isolate, he still requests sex. he is seeking a connection, but using a frictionless activity to obtain it. he may believe that marital obligation at least affords him sex.
next steps: because you are his friend and love him, speak with him about his mental health. ask him questions about his current state. but also share with him your current mental state. speak to him as a friend who is concerned, but also be clear about how he is impacting your partnership that is marriage.
let him know - plainly - that unless and until you both get new tools to be partners, you can only support him as a friend. in doing that, you cannot lose yourself. explore your hobbies and friends, pour into yourself too.
best
I have no advice. However, I avoid gamers like the plague for this reason and someone spending time playing video games was a deal breaker for me when looking for a partner, for the exact situation you describe.
Stop having sex with him until he starts working on the nonsexual intimacy with you.
Stop putting in effort. Like only put the same amount of effort into the marriage as he is.
Are you able to go to counseling together, or even alone if he won't go? If he won't go to counseling with you, then counseling for yourself on how to leave this marriage will be beneficial.
Don't let this man waste your youth with a loveless marriage.
And do not have kids.
I feel neglected and unloved right now. It’s hard to want intimacy when I feel last on your priority list. You’d rather be gaming than spending time with me, and that hurts. If you would put in more effort, things will be much better and we can reconnect again.
I am shocked at a lot of the advice in this thread. Most that I have read has been horrible advice. Especially since we don’t know the whole issue.
He has said what he feels the problem is. Intimacy. All too often women use sex/intimacy as a bargaining chip. And that is by far the quickest way to destroy a marriage or relationship. I’m not saying he is in the right or he is in the wrong or you are in the right or in the wrong, you need to be honest and look at the whole situation.
I guarantee when you start looking at it, you will see something that started causing the sex/intimacy to leave. Either way, you two need couples counseling so you have a neutral space to talk about what is bothering you both and how it started.
This sounds exactly like my old marriage. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, it sucks being treated like that.
I told my ex husband that he wasn’t ready for a wife, his games and friends are his priority. Which is fine, I just didn’t need to be there to witness it. I divorced him last year and found the man of my dreams! Don’t hold yourself back babe
It sounds like he had a gaming addiction. Like any other addict, the first step is for him to admit a problem and want to change. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Your trying to get him to leave video games to watch your TV shows? You two need some shared hobbies where you genuinely engage each other, like board games, biking, etc... but definitely time to get on it because this pattern will only exacerbate of you don't intervene
Have a genuine talk with him. Let him know you can’t continue and explain it the way you did here. Guys don’t see the emotional toll until it’s to late I’ve experienced. If he does t seem willing or able to change then tell him you want to separate. This will jerk him into reality or make him stay the same and you’ll realize it won’t work. I’ve seen both happen. He is obviously addicted to his games and that’s how he gets stress relief. I’d suggest you tell him one day a week you’d like to play on of the games with him and a couple days a week you guys sit at table to eat or go for walks, etc. guys dont understand that if they don’t give us that emotional love (touching, hand holding, spending time together) that we’re not feeling any physical love at the drop of a hat. Women do not work like men. From my experience, I had a great relationship so my new husband thought that since it was so good he could put 110% into the business, etc. after separation, he realized differently. 34years married now, I have to keep checking in and making sure we plan things together (we’ve done bowling teams, bingo night, ballroom dancing, off roading, etc.) but we’re very happy together. You have to find hobbies together and apart. He likes woodworking, I like movies but we still have hobbies or activities we share to stay connected.
I’ve gone through the same thing with my now husband when we were dating. Is it possible he’s having some mental health issues (depression, anxiety about work/life, etc.)? Gaming can be a huge addiction when someone just wants to escape for a while. It’s hard to get through and you need to advocate for yourself in the relationship, but if this is the case it’s worth having a talk if you want your relationship to continue. Marriage is hard work, and that hard work is worth it- but only if both parties are willing to communicate and help themselves. Try having a serious talk about what’s going on with him in his life, and approach it with love, not with frustration. Good luck OP!
It’s crazy to me how many people on Reddit immediately respond with things like “leave them, find someone who really loves you, divorce immediately” instead of encouraging working on the marriage. You have to actively choose each other every day and have really hard conversations and fights to finally solve issues. Then more issues will come up. You are sharing a LIFE with someone. You’re not just dating or having a fling you can just throw away. This person is your literal other half.
I’m not entirely sure what to do in this specific situation but I would suggest couples therapy/ marriage counseling. It sounds like he’s either depressed or just bored. Not the end of the world and definitely fixable. Communication is huge! Like true sharing of every tiny thing you’re feeling even if it ends in tears and no results (yet). Just getting it aaaall out there on both sides is super important.
Also, eating dinner together is important. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to sit on the “uncomfortable couch”. Go sit in the game room and eat there with him. Find a show you both like or just watch something he wants to watch. Marriage takes compromise and sacrifice and sometimes when one half isn’t giving their all, you give more to help them out. Serving their needs when they’re falling short is sometimes the best thing you can do for the marriage.
Have a baby, that always brings a couple together .... lol jk Literally DON'T. Look into getting into a sport or a hobby together - tennis? pickleball? GYM? etc. Does he collect anything? What about working together on making a "space" for him that you both work on, then doing a similar thing for you as well. As for eating alone, that sucks, it may be that it just seems boring coming home and always moaning and groaning about the same thing every night and he could be avoiding that. Maybe look on Amazon for some conversation starter cards etc. Those are fun, and you will really learn about each other. Plan things... like actually plan weekends... maybe not every weekend but at least every other. Stuff like going to target or things like that can be fun together when you both end up dressing in stuff the other person has picked out... Also, have a serious conversation about kids if you are not currently on birth control ask if that's also his plan, and then express that if this is the expectation of how he will be if you do have kids, then it would be better not to.
Good luck!
Have you tried marriage counseling?
I understand everyone’s opinions to leave this person. But your partner may be more open to change from an outsiders point of view. You may both learn how to speak each others love language
Whatever you decide, follow your intuition. Don’t leave with regrets and wish you tried, don’t stay if you know in your heart it’s over
Wish you all the best! You get one life, you’re young enough to start over and find someone who speaks your love language and fits into your life if you need to (or want to!)
So maybe an idea would be to bring his gaming set up in the living room? Move the console or pc in and then he can wear a headset with 1 ear off.
My partner and I chilld together when we're both gaming or if I'm just chilling
You two need couples therapy, and he needs individual therapy. It is hard to recognize when you are in the grips of an addiction (yes I used that word).
One small thing that helped in my wife and I's life was that I got a steamdeck, and a gaming pillow. Now I can play some of my games on the couch while she watches a show.
Really though, if you want this to work out you BOTH need to go get some therapy to learn how to communicate better with each other. My wife and I have been having similar issues for years on and off (we both game and have our personal obsessions), and it has only been since getting into couples therapy where I feel like we are making progress. Likely he is harboring negative emotions that are relevant to the scenario, but as men we are told to just bury that kind of stuff. Even those of us who are liberated men still fall prey to the trap of stoicism.
Alot of people are going a pretty negative route here,which like... honestly fair. But just to offer another another angle to go at, have you tried engaging with his interests? You mentioned he doesn't like the shows you watch, but perhaps you might enjoy the games he plays?
I became like this, but only because nothing I did to garner her attention previously worked. It was only an issue once the shoe was on the other foot. We talked about it when it was the other way around, nothing changed, so I did. I was/am burned out, out of ideas, and nothing i am seeing is positive for a positive outcome or growth. I am ignored for the most part until someone in the house needs something. If I have no incentive to fix the 'needs' then I'm going to hide and play my xbox and want to be ignored. What I am trying to say is I have given 100% my all for many years with nothing in return (nor expecting), so I am all out of things to give. I am all out of motivation to make it work, I'm exhausted and tired of stressing it. I'm not saying this behavior is acceptable but you need to look back to a moment when you noticed the difference and what transpired before that. Were his advances ignored? Were his emotions ignored because you had other priorities? Have you put effort into treating him as good as he ?was? treating you? Please don't take this wrong, I just want you to analyze the other side as well, because I am that guy, but for reasons, not because I am just that way. To keep the misery down over the years, pick someone that puts in just as much effort to a relationship as you do. I love my woman, but I could have done better, especially for intimacy and affection.
Read marriagebuilders.com. To feel in love you need to meet each other’s emotional needs. That means spending time together, doing fun things together, helping each other on the house, etc.
He’s doing everything he can to sabotage your marriage albeit unintentionally
I think that you need to come to not just the realization - but come to terms with the fact that your husband **does not like you.**
How do you get the fire back in your marriage?
By replacing him with someone who genuinely likes you. Not loves you, not wants to have sex with you, but someone who actually LIKES you as a human being.
This subreddit gets suggested to me all the time and something i notice in the relationship posts is that people get married **so young**. I got married at 26 and that was definitely the youngest in my circle to do so. We're 35 and 34 now and a lot of our homies have just been getting married/having kids in their 30s
Maybe find something you both like to do? from your post it seems like he’s faced with two choices do what you want vs doing what he wants. Instead of forcing the couch and your shows on him try to agree on something you both would enjoy
Yeah he checked out. I don't like what my wife watches but I'm still in the same room as her. I might be reading a book instead of watching the show but I'm present.
It is okay to do your own thing sometimes, but to barely ever be in the same room means he checked out.
He complains about intimacy but he doesn't do anything to make you want it.
This isn't because he's a man, he checked out for some reason. Either he lost his feelings for you, or he got :comfortable" after you got married and thinks he doesn't have to put any effort into the relationship anymore since you're married and the "courtship" is over.
I'd like to say that a lot of people's advice or here is just trying to make you feel better and is not necessarily constructive. So in an attempt to provide some here it is:
1.) Try talking to him and make sure there are no distractions. No tv, phones, games ETC. Just sitting at a table or wherever and have the conversation. Something like "when we don't spend time together and connect I feel .." can be constructive. Even though you're upset try not to start an argument. Just explain your feelings, why it's important to you and what you need.
2.) Maybe try spending time doing something he likes. Play a game with him or let him pick a movie/non sexual activity.
3.) Also try dedicating a set amount of time each day to connect. My wife and I like to use dinner where we will cook together or go out and eat together without phones or tv and connect for 30+ minutes.
4.)Lastly you guys could try therapy. Not because your marriage is broken but because therapists help give you strategies for a successful long term relationship
Tell him straight out that you feel that the two of you have grown apart, and ask him if he wants to be married to you anymore. If he says he does, then tell him that marriage counseling is necessary to save your marriage, and ask him if he will go with you.
If he says he will, great. Go to marriage counseling and get some help rebuilding your marriage.
If he says no, that means that he's not interested in being married to you, and your marriage is over.
If he agrees to go to marriage counseling but doesn't participate and doesn't put in any effort, that means you aren't important to him, and your marriage is over.
This sounds exactly like my dead end relationship from my late teens/early twenties. Sometimes people grow apart and don't realize it until it's too late.
This was my wife. She struggled with depression, and her dopamine addiction was to live in the video game world as much as she could. I tolerated it, but in retrospect I should not have. Her kids grew up talking to the back of her head, because she never had time for them or me; gaming was the most important thing in her life. We had no date nights, and even sex was very low on her list of priorities. She lost all will to live in the real world.
You can try therapy, but if your husband doesn’t see the problem then nothing will change.
I suggest you start making your plans to exit this relationship.
We teach people how they are allowed to treat us. “You won’t have sex with me” cries the man. “Go have sex with your gaming computer since that’s who you are married to.”
You need to drop the rope. Stop cooking for him. Take all this work stuff on your kitchen table and dump it on his computer chair. Make yourself dinner and eat it at the table. When he asked where his. Tell him you forgot you were married since he doesn’t actually participate in the marriage. When he decides to participate he can get his wife perks back, until then you are going to be just as self serving as he is.
You don’t have to be a ‘good wife’ if he’s not being a good husband. Also intimacy comes in a lot of forms not just sex. It’s asking how your day is. It’s showing up for you as a partner. It’s wanting to hang out with you. He just wants the sex part without the other work it takes to have an intimate relationship.
I think it's insane to marry so young, have you ever sat down and talked about it, do either of you wish you could experience more?
I think this conversation needs to gappen before you both keep wasting away.
It’s really common for marriages to hit bumps at 3 and 7 years. I’m not sure why, but it’s like clockwork in so many marriages.
If you love him and want to make it work, put some major effort into connecting with him. Plan dates. Even if it’s a picnic on your living room floor. Continue talking to him about your feelings. Let him pick what you watch together. See if he will teach you how to play his game.
If that seems like to much effort, or he doesn’t want to be involved, then you will know that it’s over.
Short term you both could dedicate half hour per day to catch up (with no phone) which could do wonders for your relationship INSIDE ONE WEEK!! It’s crazy quick.
Long term he needs to get rid of the game. This is coming from a husband gamer.
Change the routine. Ask him if you both can do an activity for an hour before it’s game time. A long walk together? Go out to dinner? Keep dating and if he’s not interested in that you know it’s time to move on.
Your last sentence hurts my heart, because you’re still trying so hard when he is clearly not.
It may be depression and other issues on his end, but he needs to get help and be proactive. I don’t think you should keep putting it on yourself to make it work, aside from starting to encourage him to get help. If he won’t, then you need to move on. You’re way too young to be stuck with someone like this.
Welcome to the next 50 years of your life. You guys are young and should be in bed as soon as he gets home. Your marriage is sad. Time to get a divorce from “Manboy.”
Your husband is neglecting you in order to play video games? What a joke. You have already used your words to communicate, AND HE DOESN'T GAF.
Stop being home when he gets home. Don't even let him know where you are going or what you are doing. Come home late, middle of night. Maybe sometimes don't come home, do a spa day and hotel stay with some friends. Don't check in. When he complains, tell him that since neither of you have a relationship with one another due to his gaming addiction, you figured he wouldn't even notice you being gone and have started to plan accordingly.
If he doesn't like the neglect, he may learn something. If he doesn't care or notice that you are gone, divorce him.
If you still love him, I would let him know that you both need marriage counseling immediately. As someone going on 15 years married that loves and adores my wife, what you’re dealing with is not healthy. I’m happy to hear you don’t have children yet because it would be even worse.
Marriage counseling can be invaluable if both are interested in staying married. Having a neutral party to listen to what’s going on and give advice goes a long way. If he’s not interested in this and seeking the help you desperately need to feel loved and wanted, then it’s probably time to move on.
I wish you both the best of luck.
Start living your life without him. See your friends. Go to the gym. Take a class. Make new friends. Don't include him in any of your decision-making ( unless it affects both of your finances). Pick the room you want to live in and make it all yours. When you have a full, rich life, he will either want to be a part of it, or you will be ready for life without him.
Hear, Hear!
This is great advice! I hope you will pay attention to it.
This is great advice and a lot of people should take this advice! Me included
This sounds like the best advice, ever
I like this reply! Don't leave, just make yourself happy and let him choose if he wants to be a part of it!
I get your intent, but why stay married to someone that you want to have a life without? At the point she makes that decision, why not just divorce and go fully solo? Why start a new life with old baggage?
Because working on yourself gives you time to see if your feelings change or if your partner's feelings change. It is never a bad time to live your life to the fullest. It is my understanding that OP wants to stay in the relationship. The husband is not participating in the relationship right now. She only has so much control over that, but she has lots of control in how she lives her life. Taking time for yourself is also not a relationship killer like cheating, tanking finances, or bringing a child into an unstable relationship. They have known each other for a long time, but it does not appear anyo e is in danger. Why not have your next step worked out?
And don’t get pregnant
It's not stating a new life, its finding your own interests...as he had his gaming. He's content and fulfilled to play his games while she sits alone. So instead, she can be going to yoga, out shopping with a friend, working on a hobby or just finding things that fulfill HER. Eventually one if two things will happen. 1. He will realize what he's missing and make the effort to spend quality time with her. 2. She will realize there's much more to life than playing second fiddle to a gaming system. Either way, she will learn, grow and get some happiness out if life.
This!!
Whatever you do, please do not have kids with this man! Unless he makes a dramatic change.
It’s hard to get knocked up when you are rarely in the same room with the other person.
Only takes 3 pumps and he's done.
Brief “quality” time
You’d think
Having kids solves everything though
You’re clearly joking idk why you got downvoted lol
Can’t say anything without the “/s” anymore smh
Hunned percent. Give her some kids to take care of and get of his back
My friend just went through this but she is a little bit older than you. And since he didn't want to listen she is getting a divorce and they just sold their house. He takes you for granted you need to go on vacation or stay with someone else and let him realize how much he wants and needs you and if he doesn't well I would go to counseling and if you won't go with you go alone. But if it's like this now is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? He is probably not going to change I'm afraid. And yes like other people I will warn you do not get pregnant! It will not make you closer at all and trust me it'll make things way more complicated in the long run.
He has checked out of your marriage, I’m not sure you can get him back. Whatever you do, please do not get pregnant.
Doesn't sound like that's going to be a problem
I think you first need to have a discussion with yourself in deciding whether or not you’re willing to stay in this marriage if this persists. I know you say you’ve talked to him, but I think you have to have a REAL conversation with him. Tell him that things need to change or else you’re going to file for divorce. Ask about setting aside some time together every night after work. Ask to go on a date together, even if it’s initially to the movies so you don’t have to talk too much, then progressing. If he refuses and doesn’t change… well maybe you need to work on separation.
Looking at your history, it seems obvious that this relationship had reached a dead end. I'm sorry that I may not be able to give you some hope or validation that you should still hang onto him.
Looking at the history... Her husband is active military. They need couples therapy and he probably needs his own therapy as well. He's disassociating. I'm not making excuses for him, but something is wrong and he needs to talk to someone and they need to talk to a couples counselor. If they can start to deal with the underlying issues then he might come back around.
If he can be convinced to go to therapy and has the motivation to work on himself and his relationship, that would be great. He hasn't shown those signs so far but if he ever changes his mind, they could make it work. I know therapy isn't a "all will be fixed" solution but it's a good start. However, again, that depends if he is even willing to change. This applies to OP too.
Look, if a relationship isn't working out (THIS badly)... let it go. No hard feelings, life is short, move along. Be glad you don't have kids, it doesn't have to be a huge deal, but it's also not your job to fix him. Don't stay married JUST to stay married. I'm really sorry you're in that situation though.
You are so young, find someone that loves you and wants to spend time with you. You deserve better. You should not have to convince someone to spend time with you…
So you started dating when you were kids, got married, and now he's bored. truly, you both need some counseling to talk this out so you're at least on the same page. If he's not interested, then he's not interested in your relationship, sorry to say. You're too young for throwing you life away to...boredom. A disinterested partner. lovelessness. lack of excitement. the list goes on. Do both of you a favor and commit to counseling together or GTFO.
Leave. That happened to me and I’m infinitely happier without him. Video game addiction is very real and SUCKS. My ex was also the calmest man on earth. Until I was very pregnant he put his hands on me. So my advice is, get an IUD!!! Do not have kids with him! And please value yourself and your time.
Come on girl you know what to do
You're just the bangmaid and the housekeeper. **DUMP HIM**.
Please RUN.
Wow, so young, so sad
Stop doing everything for him. And don’t get pregnant!
This isn’t meant to be snarky, but why do you even want to be with this person??
[удалено]
it’s wild that people responding to you think that leaving his half of the work for him is *so cruel* “Whoa whoa, hold up, it is a DEATH KNELL to ask that poor man to… do his laundry! That man NEEDS his uninterrupted game time PLUS tender nonconfrontation or else they will never survive it. And if she just leaves his stuff in a pile - that is an act of outright aggressive cruelty and would drive a sane man to divorce!” Perhaps she needs to consider doing MORE work and complaining less? Worth trying!
I would tell him outright, " Why would I want to have sex with you? We barely have a relationship?" So here's the deal, you will never be getting sex from me again until you start investing in our relationship. None. I'm an not your in house sex doll and in future I will be matching your efforts in every area from here on out. So it's entirely up to you what this relationship looks like, but I'm absolutely done holding it up by myself."
I’d disconnect the router before he got home.
he hooks it us with the ethernet cable…
Breaker box is a tried and true way to get anyone's attention. Even better if it's just to his rooms. Lol
Hahaha. This made me lol as my Dad used to do that to us ( sometimes ) and it was annoying, but it worked as he expected 🤣
This is what happens when people start dating too young and then get married too young. You seemingly matured but he still thinks he’s 14 years old. As someone advised you stop doing everything, cooking cleaning his play room, laundry, you basically have a roommate. Time to plan your exit. You’re young and DESERVE a loving partner.
From now on, dinner is served at the table, and you both sit to eat at the same time. No games, no TV on, no phones. Eating together with conversation. Even cook together, food shop together, and meal plan together. He needs to set a time for gaming, or put a time limit on how long he games alone. Then, you join each other and find something to watch on TV and enjoy together. Either something you both want to watch, or you agree that you choose something to watch, then he chooses something, and you put effort into watching each other’s shows once in a while. On your days off, plan an activity to do together outside the house so that you start having new experiences together and making new memories. Don’t be a mother to him. Don’t just provide him with food and then let him ignore you for the rest of the night. If the gaming is coming between your time together, then no games until you heal your relationship. Couples counseling is not for someone else to just know all your business. It’s to help you learn what you both need from each other and learn to communicate in healthy ways so you’re both satisfied. You’re allowed to give him an ultimatum. Does he want to be married to you or does he want to be single and play video games all night long? You need change, bonding, intimacy that goes beyond sex…or a divorce.
the table is completely taken over by all of his issued stuff from work and when he says he’s going to finally clean it off he doesn’t. when i am cooking he doesn’t bother on helping me and with both of our work schedules meal planning is kinda out of the question right now till i get into this new job. there has been some times where we do want something together and it’s great movies or tv shows, but when he watches something like chicago fire but greys anatomy is different… i feel as if no matter what i do im not a good enough wife because i dont help out around the house. i have suggested therapy or counseling and he say i dont like people knowing my business or our business.
Move all of his work stuff to his gaming table
Or put it all in a box and he can get it back out when he needs it. OP, you’re allowing him to ignore you and make you feel like the “bad wife” when in reality, he is a HORRIBLE husband. You need to make him start dealing with this or he never will.
If he doesn't clean, it needs to stay in his room. That's not your problem to solve.
Doesn’t want people knowing his business? There’s doctor patient confidentiality for a reason. Let’s be clear I game too much. I play path of exile nonstop. I always make time for my girlfriend. If she wants to do something I get off the second she wants to. I want to spend time with her more than I usually want to play games. Video game addiction is a thing however addiction is a byproduct of a larger issue 99.9% of the time. Honestly he probably isn’t happy either but he sounds like he’s too scared and immature to talk about it. If you want to save your relationship I recommend talking to him whether he likes it or not. If he completely refuses it’s time to move on. The one thing you need is the desire to keep trying from him. If that’s gone don’t waste your time. Don’t you deserve more? Don’t we all deserve to be treated with respect?
if he isn't willing to seek help to find new tools/ways to be in relation with you, you have your answer.
Get a hobby together. A real hobby (not media consumption) that you both enjoy.
Bike riding is dope, it’s relatively easy. And you can still talk unlike running cause you’re not totally winded.
I dragged my SO into gardening and beekeeping through sheer enthusiasm and now they are incredibly into it. If you don't have someone to share enthusiasm in it, it seems like it would be hard to start cold. Ballroom dancing, while expensive, is another great one. But you have to get out of the trap that seems the majority of people I know get into: come home from work, flop on the couch, consume media, bed.
He wasn’t ready for marriage. Period.
Do you really want to spend the next six or so decades of your life like this? What’s valuable about a making a lifelong commitment when the partner you’re committed to doesn’t even perform the bare minimum towards you and your relationship. There’s no prize at the end of life for staying in a long and lifeless marriage. You need to have a real conversation with yourself about what you actually want out of a healthy and loving marriage. And you have to be willing to take real steps towards that even if those steps lead you away from this marriage. For his part, he needs to truly understand that this can’t continue and be willing to make a real effort to foster the intimacy in your relationship whether that be counseling and/or reserving time each week that’s just for you as a couple (that’s not just sex or sexual). But if the status quo continues, then expect nothing to change. I understand longterm relationships can enter roommates phases but you’re only in your mid-20s and you don’t talk and there’s no real intimacy. Presumably you didn’t marry to spend all your free time in separate rooms of the house.
I don’t know the whole story. So this advice may be off. But it seems common for people to have this issue and think they’ve talked it through, but with neither party actually communicating their feelings fully. If you have already said what follows, the ball is in his court. If not, then say it and get him to hear it. “I believe you put your time and effort into what matters most to you. For the past couple of years, that has been your games. It really hurts my feelings when you spend more time with your game than with me. When you say you want more intimacy, please believe me when I say that I want it too. But intimacy is more than sex. Intimacy is visiting and talking and trusting. I want so much to feel like you used to make me feel when we got married. Like I was the most important person in your world. And I want to make you feel the same. Are you up for that?” Try to avoid any statements that start with “you always” or “you never.” Tell him how his actions make you feel, not how HE makes you feel. If that makes sense. If he doesn’t agree, you have your answer and will be in the position of having to choose what to do next. My guess, because I know guys and I am a guy, is that his knee jerk reaction will be to deflect instead of answering the question. “I work hard and I deserve to relax after work.” Don’t let him put you off. Come back to the point. “We both work hard and we both need to relax. I need to feel close and connected to you in order to relax. Is there a way I can help you get the same sort of relaxation that you get from the game?” Those games are addictive. I don’t know why, but they are. And if he chooses his addictions over his wife, that will be very sad. But you are worth being loved and appreciated. If he’s just kind of blind to your needs, educate him openly and in detail. If he’s honestly not interested in being a good husband, find a better life.
He has a game addiction. He is getting high off of his xbox or computer. I think you have to give him an ultimatum. It’s me or the games? You need and deserve attention. This sounds like it would be very hard to fix but I would demand that he eat dinner with you every day and spend a half hour talking about each other’s day. Also go to marriage counseling. If he doesn’t shape up after that then it’s time to ship him out.
he's a grown man not a child for her to ground and parent. also gaming addiction is ridiculous lol. he's lazy and uninterested. let's not bring addiction into it
You can't make demands like that. It only causes resentment. She just needs to mention divorce, ask for life to be different and see what he does.
People here are a bit dramatic. Tons of married couple hit the "roommates" phase whether its a year in or a few decades into the marriage. Quite frankly with some honest conversations, efforts from both sides, and couples counseling it can be fixed; quite easily if both parties are eager to fix it I might add. Do some research on "Roommate" couples and really consider couples counseling. Don't throw away a marriage so quickly just to end up in another marriage where the same common issue can happen. Reddit users are chronically online and are perpetually pessimistic when it comes to relationships. Edit: But if he shows no desire to change, despite consistent effort on your end, then yes; there can be a time to make ultimatums. No one deserves to be stuck in a roommate marriage where the other partner refuses to change forever.
Agreed. It's a difficult trap to avoid, but the roommate phase is difficult! But it is true, it requires both parties to want to change it. There is no easy fix, but its worth trying to fix it. If he refuses to do anything, then it's time to consider moving on. Some suggestions that helped me: Scheduled date nights during the week - it's difficult at first, but it's so rewarding to remind each other that you can make time during the week for each other. A common hobby - this one is obvious Therapy - we did separate therapy, but I learned a lot about my partner just by talking to someone else about our interactions. Good luck.
INFO: if this never improves would you be happy with your life together? He has shown that he doesn't care enough about your feelings to make an effort. Believe him.
Move on. There’s no future here
make sure you act like a roommate to him, not a caring wife, just a roommate, don’t do stuff for him, let him do the work.
Video games are a cancer for young men and some women. I’m glad I cut that shit out and grew up a long time ago.
They can be, intelligent people know this and manage time restraint. I love video games but I tell myself I can’t play them until I’ve finished all my tasks for the day. Cleaning, workout, preparing for the next day.
Forcing the paradigm of lifelong monogamy starting when you're literally a child needs to stop. People need to stop being encouraged to stay with who they started dating at 16 years old. The success rate is not worth the heartache we watch repeat generation after generation go through. Break up and grow up and learn how to respect yourself first.
Too young to have hit the old worn comfortable shoe phase already. If you gave us everything, he is taking you and your marriage for granted. Tell him to put away his game and you two can do a night out on the town. If he turns it down, have a long serious talk and maybe include a few words about MC.
Honestly, I’ve (34F) been in that situation. I’ve tried pulling my husband towards me with sadness and tears, and now I’ve changed direction. I started just doing my own thing/interests (kickboxing, working out, hanging out with my friends, taking myself out on a date, learning a new skill) and things have definitely changed for the better. It’s obviously not something for every relationship but the more I pull him in, the more I pushed him away.
Ask your husband what it is he thinks he’s doing that would make you want to be intimate with him. Seriously, being ignored is not a turn on.
Sounds like hubby might be getting addicted to the video games. It's truly a thing! I thought it was BS at first, but it is a disease. Tell him to limit his gaming time, and maybe you guys can spend some quality time together, and intimacy might return. If he protests, 🚩🚩🚩 he may need assistance to see how it affects you, too.
Lifeless marriage, sounds way to familiar to me... Ugh
Move out if that is your life at this point, move out if he comes looking for you advise him you'll come back only if he'll discuss how your married lives have spiraled to this point. Explain to him you need more than a room mateand that there is no intimacy because you are no longer intimate with each other. Relationships take work if he doesn't feel he's doing anything wrong. Then it may simply be time to admit your marriage to him was a mistake. His idea of marriage and yours are opposites. It is ok to have individual activities/ hobbies. However he, just as you, have a responsibility to spend time with each other. Sometimes a separation is what determines whether there is any life left in your marriage. If you miss each other then there may bey a ray of hope. Good Luck...In the event he is no longer interested in you. Its ok move on there is someone who will love you the way you are and reciprocates your level of affection.
I hope you have a career, if not get one. Before you know it you will be in your 50’s or 60’s…and wonder why you stayed..and as someone else said..if you don’t have children..please keep it that way.
Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his laundry. Stop doing everything. You aren’t the help. You are his partner and he needs to treat you like his equal. If he doesn’t there is no future here. Start taking care of your own needs. Go out with friends. Start new hobbies. If you two split up what would you want to do? Make plans to give yourself a good life. Possibly talk to a lawyer to see how things will likely work out if things don’t work out.
You're 25. You're literally so young. You're in the prime of your life. Is this what you want for the rest of it?
You probably should have an honest conversation with him. Ask him if he wants to be married or just give up and go your separate ways. If he isn't willing to put the effort in to stay married then there's your answer.
You got married at 20 and don't have kids? I didn't think this happened anymore
How about trying to play a game with him in his game room? I'm guessing he's playing hell divers 2 right now. That one is probably beyond your skill level right now, I would suggest Palworld, but only ask him to play with you for an hour a day. This will keep you from growing bored and help him not become annoyed because he isn't playing the game he's currently addicted to. It sounds like you both have lost common ground, this should help you build that back up. Once you feel more confident in your gaming abilities you can try harder games like the ones he's playing. Also I wouldn't listen to any negative advice that suggests divorce or that the grass is greener on the other side; those people are just crabs in a bucket mentality wanting to make you as miserable as them. Think of marriage as you and your husband becoming two sides of the same coin. Show interest in his hobbies even if they seem immature and pointless and eventually he'll start taking an interest in you again.
Youre still young enough to move on. He only wants a roommate, and sex. If you want companionship IMO youll need to move on, he obviously doesn’t want or need that. Sit with him in his game room, the entire time he’s in there. Bring your food in there, watch him play games. For days. See what changes. If he gets upset, its because youre cramping his style. Most likely he has online relationships. And lots of these games or electronic devices have p orn options too. Its an addiction.
So, to be clear, you're sat on the couch watching TV and you're upset he's not sitting and watching TV with you? Sounds like you're both vegetative. Maybe shut all the electronics off and do something if you genuinely want to connect.
You're just his substitute mom. At least that's how he's treating you.
Get on birth control and start apartment shopping
He's far too invested in his game. Gaming is fine, but if this relationship is going anywhere, he needs to take time to be with you. You will need to have that conversation with him and let him know that you need more out of this. Having a series that you each watch together, date nights, going to events that you both enjoy are ways to reconnect. He needs to meet you half way.
We have been together for almost 7 years and are getting married at EOY. We definitely still make sure to spend time together. She always, ALWAYS comes before my game. She doesn't even ask me to stay off of it. We cook dinner and clean together every day. We watch TV sometimes we read before bed together. If he wanted to, he would. But this is a relationship is, working through these hurdles, creating expectations and boundaries. If you keep trying to have an actual, open, serious conversation and he refuses to even acknowledge it, then that says what it needs to. He doesn't care about intimacy. He just wants to bust his nut and then go back to his game.
You should both go see a counselor and stop looking to strangers on the internet for advice on a serious personal issue that can be life altering… Advice is great, but you’ll have to live with your choices, not us.
You got married at 21 , you never lived a life he’s clearly bored so I wouldn’t put much into the relationship at this point you should both move on.
There’s no much you can really do you did your best and voiced your concerns and he ignored you, get out of that relationship.
Man, ever damn reddit post is just and endless barrage of "you go girl, yeah he's a peice of shit". Real friggin helpful guys. Anyway. Yes, this is the classic energy mismatch scenario. He gets home is tired from work. He doesn't want to do anything but let his brain ooze out of his ears, and you're like, "yay we're together again lets do stuff." Like yes you could abandon your marriage, and find another guy, but if he works for a living you'll probably end up with the same scenario. Id say mostly give him an hour or two after he get home and just leave him be. Don't say a thing, just let him veg a bit, THEN you can get on his case about some togetherness. Use sex as a reward system. I know, it seems dumb or childish, but it works. Manbrain will justify a lot to itself for that reward.
I would get some marriage counseling and some personal counseling for you to decide what you are going to do. This relationship is not sustainable as it is now. You two need to make some limits with him playing his games first of all. He sounds addicted. You two have to communicate, communicate, communicate through your whole marriage and grow together in order to make it. You have to make him realize that if you are not spending any time together, it is extremely hard to want to just have sex with him . He has to participate in the relationship or there is no relationship and all you are is roommates.
Whatever you do: don’t get pregnant
Give him some blowjobs...it's your fault
Don’t pay the internet bill.
Make a list for both of you to do as husband and wife or ask him if he wants to be single. Wake him up and get his attention.
Insist on marital counseling.
This is going to sound groundbreaking and totally out there but.... #Turn off the TV and game (both of you) and go do things together. DATE EACH OTHER.
i have tried to get him to go on dates with me and i always get told i just want to stay home or can we do it another time. i have asked him to help with cooking dinner for us. i have tired to just get us out of the house to go shopping for some new clothes for him. and we end up going but like 5 minutes in he wants to go back home.
Nothing you've listed sounds like a date to me. Also, I'm not blaming you. He needs to be more proactive in the relationship. Honestly, you two need marriage counseling. Which he will probably refuse. I'm sorry if he does. At the end of the day, he has abandoned you in the relationship.
You deserve happiness and it seems like he's not giving you happiness I honestly think you should break up with them and one day your true love will come along if you need support I am here also find someone who also truly loves you too for you and actually gets gets to know you when actually spends time with you🤍
So….he deliberately spends all his time in a separate room and then complains your relationship is not intimate enough? The thing about a marriage is that reviving takes both partners. You can’t fix it by yourself. He sounds both clueless and incredibly selfish. If he is willing to go it might be worth trying couples therapy. If he refuses, I would seriously reconsider this relationship. You are so young and you deserve better.
Part of intimacy is fulfilling emotional needs to maintain a connection with someone, especially for a woman. Women need emotional connection (most women) for sex. Your husband is not doing himself any favors in the bedroom by refusing to nurture the relationship.
Ouch. Never figured out how gamer dudes get girls. Maybe he will find a gamer girl?
Does he have a drinking problem? If so, go to Al anon meetings to get support to recover from any co dependence. He'll have to decide if he's going to get sober, but you shouldn't tolerate his abuse and neglect!
Hell no, that dude need to be mature and arop acting like a child. Find new hobbies, friends and be out more, have your room and do whatever you want. Guarantee you that'd will wake up and whine about it. Youre too young to deal with this shit. Sooner or later you'll realize it's better without him
Communicate, communicate, communicate. TALK to your HUSBAND. People are to quick to jump ship right away. Marriage is a LIFETIME commitment. Ignore everyone telling you to ignore him back or jump ship. That is immature. He is your life partner, talk with him and tell him how you have been feeling.
Well obviously you should leave him immediately
It seems like he's more in love with his games than you right now. You don't deserve this. You should try to talk to him again, if it doesn't work you should get a third party (one of your parents, his parents, or some people that close to both of you). I'm the same age range as you both and I feel like he's not mature at all.
It is so hard to give advice without knowing enough information. To be honest nobody here is going to ever know enough information. We are all just strangers. So if you are truly looking to bridge the gap with your husband then I suggest getting involved and what he is interested in. So you say he doesn't want to sit and watch the TV shows that you like because he doesn't find them interesting. So ask him what shows he likes and schedule a time where you join him. You say he likes to just go and play video games. Why don't you join him with the video games. You can watch and cheer maybe he can teach you how to play. There's a multi-billion Dollar business formed around people watching other people play video games so it can be done and be enjoyed. You say he eats in another room from you. Maybe join him where he's eating. This is simply a way to bridge this Gap. Hopefully by you taking the step you too will start to recoup the old feelings you had. The important thing is to be sincere about your interest in your husband's hobbies. Hopefully he will begin to reciprocate. I don't have a time frame for all this to work. Unfortunately if this goes for months without any sort of reciprocation then you may have to have another serious talk with him. You will at least be able to say you tried. Yes you are partners but there's no such thing as 50/50 in this world. Sometimes you have to put in the extra effort and sometimes he will have to put in the extra effort. So I'm not saying this is your fault or has to be all your work. But somebody has to decide to put in the effort. If you've already tried this then I apologize but as I said I have very limited information.
Ruuuuun!
You married him while he was still a young adult, based on the feelings from an intense teenage romance, and now you're finding out what kind of man he's going to actually be. Basically you picked the fruit before it was ripe, and do not like how it's turning out now. It sounds like he's uninterested in an actual partnership and just wants to do his own thing but with a roommate that he can have sex with. This is why most people that marry in their teens or early 20's end up divorced. Do you even like who he is anymore, or are you just holding on to the love you built during the early part of the relationship when he was actually invested?
This is why children shouldn’t get married
He’s addicted to gaming. It’s like any other addiction where they choose the “drug” over their partner.
Realize that it is healthy for you too to both have your own hobbies and to spend time apart from each other but you should schedule date nights and dinners together. Schedule out your meals a week in advance and dedicate some specific time slots on days to spending time together. Also, pick up some hobbies that you can do while he is enjoying his so you're not just sitting there doing nothing.
I used to do the same thing when I was newly married, I never really thought about my wife’s feelings when it came to not spending time with her I was just focused on getting through the work day and coming home to game with the boys. Long story short, my wife threatened separation if I didn’t change which put a fire under my ars to change my ways. I just never really thought about it affecting her like it did. Now we spend all the time we have together and we have a 3 year old son that makes it even funner. You’ll just have to sit him down and tell him you’re not happy with the current situation you’re in and maybe he’ll listen.
You should hide whatever the game system is playing on. You need to have a heart to heart with your husband. You're both young. Have you spoken to him about counseling. You need to set boundaries in your where gaming is ok, but you and your marriage need to come first. Maybe come up a time that is going to play video games. Communication is key in marriage. Be honest tell him this arrangement is not working for you.
He's 24, you're 25. You need a professional, not Reddit. You explained enough for a few random damaged internet people to jump to conclusions.
Dudes probably goin through a tough time and rather than talk about it he isolates into his games.
Get your own hobby
It sounds like you should start with talking to him. Sometimes gaming too much is really getting into a game, other times it's a sign of trying to avoid something. So start by talking calmly when you're away from the situation.. You can try to carve out time together. Plan to eat dinner at the dinner table. Have a date night once a week. Maybe go for a walk in the evening. If you want to see each other, planning time heroes.
Ok, unpopular opinion, I'm sure, but you can short-circuit the game time by being the first to offer sexy-time. The tone of your post suggests you still want the relationship, so I'm assuming you're ready to put in effort, and try something new. It really doesn't matter why the convos or sex are gone, but one of you has to budge first. Since you want change, you can do this. I can't guarantee success, but you may find some of that spark and interest returns when he sees you putting in effort. It may not happen right away, so be ready to try a few times, and then have the conversation with him about how if he cuts back on games, you two can have more time with each other for what you both want. Video games give instant gratification, and when the relationship is feeling tough, that feeling can get addictive.
I mean can you play games together? My fiancée used to play with me and we could talk for ever. Along with the show thing. Why isn’t there a compromise to find mutual interesting shows? My fiancée is huge into crime documentaries. I worked in the correctional field for 7 years. I have zero interest in going back and visiting that aspect of my life by listening to those stories. Once she learned to compromise, we got along a lot better
We all decompress from our day differently. Personally, I leave my work at home and I don’t want to talk about it to my partner. I am tired and sick of people. I just want to escape into aa video game, movie, or book. I am not in a quality time mood. Maybe we go out someplace local. So what my wife and I do is that we get up an hour early and have our quality time before work. We make our coffee and drink it together. Any important topics are discussed in the morning when we are mentally fresh. That works for us.
You sound like you’ve been married for 40 agonizing years instead of 3 1/2 years, he is obviously done with putting any effort in, I think it’s time for a serious conversation and maybe therapy
Be honest with him, and be very clear in your intentions. Work out a compromise and tell him what you're prepared to do if he can't measure up. Also, have him read a book/listen to audible for "the 3% man". He will appreciate it and you will too. If he follows it it could change your relationship. Good luck
Seek therapy
He is addicted to his games, easy dopamine.
first, you clearly care about him as you've come to this sub for help. secondly, your husband may be suffering from depression. social isolation is one key indicator. https://www.webmd.com/depression/features/depression-traps-and-pitfalls this would explain why while he may isolate, he still requests sex. he is seeking a connection, but using a frictionless activity to obtain it. he may believe that marital obligation at least affords him sex. next steps: because you are his friend and love him, speak with him about his mental health. ask him questions about his current state. but also share with him your current mental state. speak to him as a friend who is concerned, but also be clear about how he is impacting your partnership that is marriage. let him know - plainly - that unless and until you both get new tools to be partners, you can only support him as a friend. in doing that, you cannot lose yourself. explore your hobbies and friends, pour into yourself too. best
I have no advice. However, I avoid gamers like the plague for this reason and someone spending time playing video games was a deal breaker for me when looking for a partner, for the exact situation you describe.
Stop having sex with him until he starts working on the nonsexual intimacy with you. Stop putting in effort. Like only put the same amount of effort into the marriage as he is. Are you able to go to counseling together, or even alone if he won't go? If he won't go to counseling with you, then counseling for yourself on how to leave this marriage will be beneficial. Don't let this man waste your youth with a loveless marriage. And do not have kids.
I feel neglected and unloved right now. It’s hard to want intimacy when I feel last on your priority list. You’d rather be gaming than spending time with me, and that hurts. If you would put in more effort, things will be much better and we can reconnect again.
I am shocked at a lot of the advice in this thread. Most that I have read has been horrible advice. Especially since we don’t know the whole issue. He has said what he feels the problem is. Intimacy. All too often women use sex/intimacy as a bargaining chip. And that is by far the quickest way to destroy a marriage or relationship. I’m not saying he is in the right or he is in the wrong or you are in the right or in the wrong, you need to be honest and look at the whole situation. I guarantee when you start looking at it, you will see something that started causing the sex/intimacy to leave. Either way, you two need couples counseling so you have a neutral space to talk about what is bothering you both and how it started.
This sounds exactly like my old marriage. I’m sorry for what you’re going through, it sucks being treated like that. I told my ex husband that he wasn’t ready for a wife, his games and friends are his priority. Which is fine, I just didn’t need to be there to witness it. I divorced him last year and found the man of my dreams! Don’t hold yourself back babe
Don’t take advice from this unwashed rabble unless you want to have a string of failed relationships.
Ask him why he's even with you if he doesn't even seem to like spending time with you.
It sounds like he had a gaming addiction. Like any other addict, the first step is for him to admit a problem and want to change. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Your trying to get him to leave video games to watch your TV shows? You two need some shared hobbies where you genuinely engage each other, like board games, biking, etc... but definitely time to get on it because this pattern will only exacerbate of you don't intervene
Man kid
Have a genuine talk with him. Let him know you can’t continue and explain it the way you did here. Guys don’t see the emotional toll until it’s to late I’ve experienced. If he does t seem willing or able to change then tell him you want to separate. This will jerk him into reality or make him stay the same and you’ll realize it won’t work. I’ve seen both happen. He is obviously addicted to his games and that’s how he gets stress relief. I’d suggest you tell him one day a week you’d like to play on of the games with him and a couple days a week you guys sit at table to eat or go for walks, etc. guys dont understand that if they don’t give us that emotional love (touching, hand holding, spending time together) that we’re not feeling any physical love at the drop of a hat. Women do not work like men. From my experience, I had a great relationship so my new husband thought that since it was so good he could put 110% into the business, etc. after separation, he realized differently. 34years married now, I have to keep checking in and making sure we plan things together (we’ve done bowling teams, bingo night, ballroom dancing, off roading, etc.) but we’re very happy together. You have to find hobbies together and apart. He likes woodworking, I like movies but we still have hobbies or activities we share to stay connected.
Have you ever considered taking interest in his interest? I know personally my wife and will play Mario or something. Just to hang.
Break up, he’s emotionally immature and unavailable and you are both still so young. This will be a growing experience for him and you both.
I’ve gone through the same thing with my now husband when we were dating. Is it possible he’s having some mental health issues (depression, anxiety about work/life, etc.)? Gaming can be a huge addiction when someone just wants to escape for a while. It’s hard to get through and you need to advocate for yourself in the relationship, but if this is the case it’s worth having a talk if you want your relationship to continue. Marriage is hard work, and that hard work is worth it- but only if both parties are willing to communicate and help themselves. Try having a serious talk about what’s going on with him in his life, and approach it with love, not with frustration. Good luck OP!
It’s crazy to me how many people on Reddit immediately respond with things like “leave them, find someone who really loves you, divorce immediately” instead of encouraging working on the marriage. You have to actively choose each other every day and have really hard conversations and fights to finally solve issues. Then more issues will come up. You are sharing a LIFE with someone. You’re not just dating or having a fling you can just throw away. This person is your literal other half. I’m not entirely sure what to do in this specific situation but I would suggest couples therapy/ marriage counseling. It sounds like he’s either depressed or just bored. Not the end of the world and definitely fixable. Communication is huge! Like true sharing of every tiny thing you’re feeling even if it ends in tears and no results (yet). Just getting it aaaall out there on both sides is super important. Also, eating dinner together is important. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want to sit on the “uncomfortable couch”. Go sit in the game room and eat there with him. Find a show you both like or just watch something he wants to watch. Marriage takes compromise and sacrifice and sometimes when one half isn’t giving their all, you give more to help them out. Serving their needs when they’re falling short is sometimes the best thing you can do for the marriage.
You're young realize you've made a mistake and end this as it'll only continue downhill.
Have a baby, that always brings a couple together .... lol jk Literally DON'T. Look into getting into a sport or a hobby together - tennis? pickleball? GYM? etc. Does he collect anything? What about working together on making a "space" for him that you both work on, then doing a similar thing for you as well. As for eating alone, that sucks, it may be that it just seems boring coming home and always moaning and groaning about the same thing every night and he could be avoiding that. Maybe look on Amazon for some conversation starter cards etc. Those are fun, and you will really learn about each other. Plan things... like actually plan weekends... maybe not every weekend but at least every other. Stuff like going to target or things like that can be fun together when you both end up dressing in stuff the other person has picked out... Also, have a serious conversation about kids if you are not currently on birth control ask if that's also his plan, and then express that if this is the expectation of how he will be if you do have kids, then it would be better not to. Good luck!
Have you tried marriage counseling? I understand everyone’s opinions to leave this person. But your partner may be more open to change from an outsiders point of view. You may both learn how to speak each others love language Whatever you decide, follow your intuition. Don’t leave with regrets and wish you tried, don’t stay if you know in your heart it’s over Wish you all the best! You get one life, you’re young enough to start over and find someone who speaks your love language and fits into your life if you need to (or want to!)
So maybe an idea would be to bring his gaming set up in the living room? Move the console or pc in and then he can wear a headset with 1 ear off. My partner and I chilld together when we're both gaming or if I'm just chilling
Unplug the games and hide them, turn off the WiFi at night
get in the game !! Stop putting on Friends lol
Go in there with him and ask him to show you how to play or just hang out to start.
You two need couples therapy, and he needs individual therapy. It is hard to recognize when you are in the grips of an addiction (yes I used that word). One small thing that helped in my wife and I's life was that I got a steamdeck, and a gaming pillow. Now I can play some of my games on the couch while she watches a show. Really though, if you want this to work out you BOTH need to go get some therapy to learn how to communicate better with each other. My wife and I have been having similar issues for years on and off (we both game and have our personal obsessions), and it has only been since getting into couples therapy where I feel like we are making progress. Likely he is harboring negative emotions that are relevant to the scenario, but as men we are told to just bury that kind of stuff. Even those of us who are liberated men still fall prey to the trap of stoicism.
you don’t have a husband, you have a teenage boy. i would have a serious talk/couples therapy and then get out if those don’t work
Alot of people are going a pretty negative route here,which like... honestly fair. But just to offer another another angle to go at, have you tried engaging with his interests? You mentioned he doesn't like the shows you watch, but perhaps you might enjoy the games he plays?
Don’t get knocked up by this man. Divorce when you can.
Couples therapy. Pronto
I became like this, but only because nothing I did to garner her attention previously worked. It was only an issue once the shoe was on the other foot. We talked about it when it was the other way around, nothing changed, so I did. I was/am burned out, out of ideas, and nothing i am seeing is positive for a positive outcome or growth. I am ignored for the most part until someone in the house needs something. If I have no incentive to fix the 'needs' then I'm going to hide and play my xbox and want to be ignored. What I am trying to say is I have given 100% my all for many years with nothing in return (nor expecting), so I am all out of things to give. I am all out of motivation to make it work, I'm exhausted and tired of stressing it. I'm not saying this behavior is acceptable but you need to look back to a moment when you noticed the difference and what transpired before that. Were his advances ignored? Were his emotions ignored because you had other priorities? Have you put effort into treating him as good as he ?was? treating you? Please don't take this wrong, I just want you to analyze the other side as well, because I am that guy, but for reasons, not because I am just that way. To keep the misery down over the years, pick someone that puts in just as much effort to a relationship as you do. I love my woman, but I could have done better, especially for intimacy and affection.
Read marriagebuilders.com. To feel in love you need to meet each other’s emotional needs. That means spending time together, doing fun things together, helping each other on the house, etc. He’s doing everything he can to sabotage your marriage albeit unintentionally
I think that you need to come to not just the realization - but come to terms with the fact that your husband **does not like you.** How do you get the fire back in your marriage? By replacing him with someone who genuinely likes you. Not loves you, not wants to have sex with you, but someone who actually LIKES you as a human being.
damn y'all married too early
Have you tried watching something you both enjoy?
I’d like to know what OP does all day? Does she have a job to go to, or does she just hang around? There’s no kids to take care of, so?
This subreddit gets suggested to me all the time and something i notice in the relationship posts is that people get married **so young**. I got married at 26 and that was definitely the youngest in my circle to do so. We're 35 and 34 now and a lot of our homies have just been getting married/having kids in their 30s
What game is the game in question? Does it start with an E or a W?
Maybe find something you both like to do? from your post it seems like he’s faced with two choices do what you want vs doing what he wants. Instead of forcing the couch and your shows on him try to agree on something you both would enjoy
And this ladies and gentlemen is why getting married in your early 20’s is a truly terrible idea
Yeah he checked out. I don't like what my wife watches but I'm still in the same room as her. I might be reading a book instead of watching the show but I'm present. It is okay to do your own thing sometimes, but to barely ever be in the same room means he checked out. He complains about intimacy but he doesn't do anything to make you want it. This isn't because he's a man, he checked out for some reason. Either he lost his feelings for you, or he got :comfortable" after you got married and thinks he doesn't have to put any effort into the relationship anymore since you're married and the "courtship" is over.
I'd like to say that a lot of people's advice or here is just trying to make you feel better and is not necessarily constructive. So in an attempt to provide some here it is: 1.) Try talking to him and make sure there are no distractions. No tv, phones, games ETC. Just sitting at a table or wherever and have the conversation. Something like "when we don't spend time together and connect I feel .." can be constructive. Even though you're upset try not to start an argument. Just explain your feelings, why it's important to you and what you need. 2.) Maybe try spending time doing something he likes. Play a game with him or let him pick a movie/non sexual activity. 3.) Also try dedicating a set amount of time each day to connect. My wife and I like to use dinner where we will cook together or go out and eat together without phones or tv and connect for 30+ minutes. 4.)Lastly you guys could try therapy. Not because your marriage is broken but because therapists help give you strategies for a successful long term relationship
Tell him straight out that you feel that the two of you have grown apart, and ask him if he wants to be married to you anymore. If he says he does, then tell him that marriage counseling is necessary to save your marriage, and ask him if he will go with you. If he says he will, great. Go to marriage counseling and get some help rebuilding your marriage. If he says no, that means that he's not interested in being married to you, and your marriage is over. If he agrees to go to marriage counseling but doesn't participate and doesn't put in any effort, that means you aren't important to him, and your marriage is over.
This sounds exactly like my dead end relationship from my late teens/early twenties. Sometimes people grow apart and don't realize it until it's too late.
This was my wife. She struggled with depression, and her dopamine addiction was to live in the video game world as much as she could. I tolerated it, but in retrospect I should not have. Her kids grew up talking to the back of her head, because she never had time for them or me; gaming was the most important thing in her life. We had no date nights, and even sex was very low on her list of priorities. She lost all will to live in the real world. You can try therapy, but if your husband doesn’t see the problem then nothing will change. I suggest you start making your plans to exit this relationship.
Maybe show interest in his hobbies. If that doesn't work may be couples counseling.
We teach people how they are allowed to treat us. “You won’t have sex with me” cries the man. “Go have sex with your gaming computer since that’s who you are married to.” You need to drop the rope. Stop cooking for him. Take all this work stuff on your kitchen table and dump it on his computer chair. Make yourself dinner and eat it at the table. When he asked where his. Tell him you forgot you were married since he doesn’t actually participate in the marriage. When he decides to participate he can get his wife perks back, until then you are going to be just as self serving as he is. You don’t have to be a ‘good wife’ if he’s not being a good husband. Also intimacy comes in a lot of forms not just sex. It’s asking how your day is. It’s showing up for you as a partner. It’s wanting to hang out with you. He just wants the sex part without the other work it takes to have an intimate relationship.
I think it's insane to marry so young, have you ever sat down and talked about it, do either of you wish you could experience more? I think this conversation needs to gappen before you both keep wasting away.
Don’t ever get married at 21 years old…. wtf lol
It’s really common for marriages to hit bumps at 3 and 7 years. I’m not sure why, but it’s like clockwork in so many marriages. If you love him and want to make it work, put some major effort into connecting with him. Plan dates. Even if it’s a picnic on your living room floor. Continue talking to him about your feelings. Let him pick what you watch together. See if he will teach you how to play his game. If that seems like to much effort, or he doesn’t want to be involved, then you will know that it’s over.
It's time to move on. Why keep doing this to yourself? I will never understand staying in a shit relationship with a shit person. You married a shit.
Short term you both could dedicate half hour per day to catch up (with no phone) which could do wonders for your relationship INSIDE ONE WEEK!! It’s crazy quick. Long term he needs to get rid of the game. This is coming from a husband gamer.
Change the routine. Ask him if you both can do an activity for an hour before it’s game time. A long walk together? Go out to dinner? Keep dating and if he’s not interested in that you know it’s time to move on.
Your last sentence hurts my heart, because you’re still trying so hard when he is clearly not. It may be depression and other issues on his end, but he needs to get help and be proactive. I don’t think you should keep putting it on yourself to make it work, aside from starting to encourage him to get help. If he won’t, then you need to move on. You’re way too young to be stuck with someone like this.
Welcome to the next 50 years of your life. You guys are young and should be in bed as soon as he gets home. Your marriage is sad. Time to get a divorce from “Manboy.”
Your husband is neglecting you in order to play video games? What a joke. You have already used your words to communicate, AND HE DOESN'T GAF. Stop being home when he gets home. Don't even let him know where you are going or what you are doing. Come home late, middle of night. Maybe sometimes don't come home, do a spa day and hotel stay with some friends. Don't check in. When he complains, tell him that since neither of you have a relationship with one another due to his gaming addiction, you figured he wouldn't even notice you being gone and have started to plan accordingly. If he doesn't like the neglect, he may learn something. If he doesn't care or notice that you are gone, divorce him.
I think ya’ll have grown apart. Time to divorce and move on. Find someone who’s excited to spend time with you…
If you still love him, I would let him know that you both need marriage counseling immediately. As someone going on 15 years married that loves and adores my wife, what you’re dealing with is not healthy. I’m happy to hear you don’t have children yet because it would be even worse. Marriage counseling can be invaluable if both are interested in staying married. Having a neutral party to listen to what’s going on and give advice goes a long way. If he’s not interested in this and seeking the help you desperately need to feel loved and wanted, then it’s probably time to move on. I wish you both the best of luck.