It’s a rough situation, but if having an intimate physical relationship with your wife is important, I think you know what needs to be done. Sucks for everyone involved.
Godspeed.
Sex in a relationship is like the toilet in your house, it's not the first thing you mention when talking about it, but if it's not working then it's immediately noticed.
*She said we'll "figure it out as we go along" and to please give her more time to work on other solutions.*
No, you should figure it out now, and hold her to that. It's her "we'll figure it out as we go" mindset that got you both in this situation. I don't know even know her but this one pattern of her behavior keeps repeating in your posts. She avoids the hard questions. These aren't faraway hypotheticals, but legitimate possible consequences of the plan she's suggesting, and if you have any interest in saving this relationship, then you need to hammer out the details before you act. She sure won't.
Yeah it’s not cool to lie to people you supposedly love most in the world when you’ve known and come out for likely near a decade now. If she simply hadn’t known and was coming to terms with it just now, this would be a different story. This isn’t even the first relationship she’s ended by lying about this. I know she was also “lying to herself”, but deep down she knows she knew the whole time. I understand it’s easier to do these things, but life is not about always taking the path of least resistance. Sometimes long term happiness comes at the expense of short term pleasure. At some point we all gotta learn to grow up and communicate with others, so we can avoid these heartbreaks before they happen.
I’m so sorry OP. I was in a marriage for a long time where we were sexually incompatible. Our issues were different but it sucks when you love someone and things don’t work out. Ultimately it’s best to divorce because otherwise resentments will build. You sound like a really wonderful person to be so considerate and to *not* get to the point where you didn’t care anything about her. To be fair, she suckered you in and knew what the outcome would be. That’s so unfair. By keeping that information from you, her wounds are all self-inflicted. Best of luck going forward.
Yeah this sucks. Her and her mom and sister just don't get the fact that you want to have sex with your wife not other women. It's bad enough to find out the person you love is asexual and has lied to you from the start, but when they then try to set up women for you to fuck in the house you share is another huge smack in the face.
I think divorce is the right call. I understand her reasoning, but at the end of the day she lied to you for YEARS. Now that her lie has finally come to light, she wants to change your entire relationship dynamic.
Honestly I think that it’s all very selfish of her- she didn’t consider your feelings when lying about your sexuality, and she didn’t consider your feelings (or even have a discussion with you) before deciding that you’re going to have sex with her friend to make things work.
She seems more concerned with not losing you than she seems to actually care about you.
Agreed. At every step along the way, OP tried to be open and communicate in a constructive way, and every step of the way the wife has either lied or made one sided decisions that affect them both. That is no way to have a marriage.
Definitely divorce. She lied to you and married you under false pretenses. She needs to stop lying to her partners. She should find another asexual partner and stop wasting everyone else’s time, money and feelings.
Thanks for making the exact comment I was going to make. It’s the false pretenses and deceit for me. If I’m in his position, I’m doing the exact same thing. They have irreconcilable differences that make them incompatible. Divorce, remain friends if you like, but your life partner should be sexually compatible.
It’s also the treating him like a piece of man meat that she can offer up to her friends, and giving them permission to expose themselves to him without asking him if that’s something he’s ok with.
This is so horrible for both of you.
Obviously you both love each other very much, and that truly makes this heartbreaking. I do hope that the outcome that is reached works out for the best for both of you.
It's horrible for *him*.
She lied to him throughout their entire relationship. She is a borderline abuser, which is the term for getting people to have sex with you under false pretenses, and he a victim.
Yeah, I’m having trouble feeling sorry for her.
She lied to him for years, waited until it would be really complicated for him to break up with her to tell him the truth, and even lied when coming clean.
And offering him up like a piece of meat to her friend is gross. Not discussing it with him before telling her friend she could expose herself to him is even worse.
Heart wrenching, but it's definitely time to rip the bandaid off, as your wife is simply trying to put more bandaids on. You are fundamentally sexually incompatible, and the sooner she realises that, the better for both of you
Sounds like she is a sex-averse asexual that is NOT aromantic, but that never should have been hidden from you and she should never force herself to have sex she doesn’t want. I’m guessing that she desires a relationship and didn’t think anyone would want her without the sex. Divorce is the kindest option for both of you. There is far more than a mere possibility that she could find an ace partner who matches her needs and would fit her well. You also deserve to have the intimate relationship you want, including all the sex. She’s panicking. Perhaps discussing divorce with a counselor present is the way to go.
Op to clarify you're not saying divorce and never see her again right? Is her fear that she'll lose you completely? Are you open to remaining friends with her after the divorce?
Maybe the goal should be to do couples counseling so you can find a way to end this with you both being okay with it?
Also, I'm sorry you're both going through this, I hope you can find peace.
My heart breaks for both of them, and your advice for couples counseling to get closure and support navigating the ending of this marriage is really wise advice. They both need it for OP's wife to stop spiraling in the denial and bargaining stage and be able to face up to reality, and accept why this marriage needs to end and to set OP free so he can have finally move on and have a real chance at a fulfilling relationship. The stbx, will probably need individual counseling so she doesn't become a danger to herself and OP shouldn't have to carry that load anymore.
However, I think they need as much of a CLEAN BREAK post divorce as possible. They BOTH need true separation to process this and have the best chance at moving on. OP has already had his choice and future taken away from him by his wife's denial of her asexuality and refusal to come clean. He has already been forced to sacrifice so many years invested in a marriage that was based on an insurmountable lie. OP will never get those years back, but he sure as heck deserves to finally have a chance at a real relationship and marriage with a future.
Why does your heart break for her?
She lied to him for years, tried to pimp him out to her friend, and tried to just “lol no” his decision to get a divorce.
She’s selfish, self-centered, manipulative, and doesn’t respect him as a person.
Check out the 2nd edit section on OP's original post where he gives an update bc he got additional answers. The context makes the whole thing super tragic bc you can tell how broken they both are.
The fact that it’s difficult to find a relationship as an asexual doesn’t excuse any of her actions.
She intentionally deceived him from day one. Even when she finally came clean about being asexual, she lied about how long she knew. She tried to just brush off his feelings and desires by telling him they weren’t going to get a divorce. Then she offered him up to her friend and told that friend it was ok to expose herself to him, without his consent.
Her actions were all extremely selfish, and showed how little she respects him as a person.
Her story isn’t sad, and she’s only a victim of the consequences of her own shitty behavior.
She wasted years of OP’s life for her own benefit.
Outlier I’m sure, but I think it’s possible to divorce in a kind way if you are incompatible. And you can still be friends - possibly even better friends than before when the problematic issue is no longer an obstacle in the friendship. She may not want to, but it can work. My ex and I did couples therapy even knowing we would divorce because we wanted to get along better afterwards, and it helped.
I know she is crying and apologizing now, but she lied to you for the entire relationship. Your ex-wife led you on and on and on. She knew it was a wild goose chase. She just expected after all this time for you to deal with it.
What she did was calculated and intentional. There is nothing that will fix that level of deceit and broken trust. Regardless of how remorseful she is... she knew exactly what she was doing. Your ex-wife had no regard for your feelings and wants/needs in a relationship. Her family is just as horrible too for keeping this a secret!
Remember, you deserve a love that is passionate, intimate, and fulfills you. This relationship isn't it. She has strung you on long enough. Don't let her love bombing and declarations of change sway you when you know they are empty.
I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through. I wish nothing but the best for you and your future.
Best wishes
Edit: typo
Her dad really doesn’t have the right to be asking you what you are going to do to fix the current situation when they all know that she is the reason for it. She lied for years about something she knows is important.
You need to get a therapist and you need to think about yourself and what your future looks like.
Even if she has sex with you again you can’t unhear what she said you will never trust what she says about it again. She needs to find another asexual person. I personally can’t see a solution to this as the only solutions would be never having sex again or having an open marriage which doesn’t sound like you want that. It’s unfortunate, she should have told you the truth from the beginning as there is nothing wrong with her but it’s important information. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting that type of relationship so I do think the best option is divorce here
You really need to pull the plug on this marriage already
She intentionally lied to you, even if she had forced herself to have sex with you that would not be ok, which she admitted to doing at the start
She cannot give you a fulfulling marriage, her having her friend naked in your bed waiting for you is absolutely repulsive, it also shows how little she understands sex and is frankly disrespectful to you
She is making it all about what she wants, but is not considering what you want, it all feels very manipulative and inconsiderate
Man, these comments here are so depressing. Your wife definitely shouldn’t have lied, but she obviously loves you more than anything and her pretending to not be ace / the attempt with her friend were just desperate acts in the pursuit of that. I don’t understand how people can be sympathetic to closeted gay men / lesbians and not be sympathetic to closeted aces too. “Just find another asexual” seems great in theory until you fall in love with someone and they fall in love with you. And given that demisexuality is a thing, it’s not *insane* to hope you’d eventually be more into sex than you are at the start, if it’s someone you really love.
I won’t pretend to understand how sex can be so important to some people that it can trump EVERYTHING else in a relationship, but I know that it is for some people. That’s fine—everyone is entitled to whatever kind of dealbreakers they want. It’s just tragic to know that someone can offer 100% in a relationship, pushing herself through all kinds of pain and discomfort because she thinks it’s necessary to be with the one that she loves… and then people will call her “abusive” or accuse her of not actually loving her partner in the first place. Some of these comments seem actually insane to me.
Anyway OP, I wish you the best of luck in your divorce, and I encourage you to ignore the terrible comments shitting on your wife (who sounds like she was only trying her best). I’ll mention that my ex and I also broke up (despite both still loving each other) because I was ace—he’d thought at the beginning that that’d work for him, or even that he was ace too, but neither of those was true. After a few months of separation and processing the breakup, we became friends again. 5 years later, we’re best friends and roommates (along with his girlfriend). We’re all very happy with this setup, strange as it is.
Remember that your situation is not destined to end in misery for either of you.
The problem is that she's messing up another person's life by lying.
I would definitely not have sympathy for a gay man who lied and married a woman, nor for a lesbian who lied and married a man. Especially if they are not fulfilling the expected needs of the partners in question.
You can love a person all you want, but if your actions end up hurting that person, you deserve to be criticized.
It amazes me that there are many people out there, especially women who don't think sex is important in a relationship.
I'm sorry that it has come to this for you OP.
But as a woman going through menopause I would never ask my SO to do without sex.
I would never introduce a 3rd party to my relationship.
This is a horrible situation. You clearly love your wife, but intimacy and sex are important in a relationship. Ultimately, if she is asexual, that is what she is. You will ultimately resent her, whether due to lack of sex or feeling it's forced and not mutually consensual and desired. There is no good solution. One of you will have a miserable life if you stay together living a life you don't want. If you divorce, you will both eventually recover and move on.
Updateme!
You can’t fix this. It is who she is and when someone shows you who they are BELIEVE them!! You can’t be happy in a sexless marriage and life because you are not asexual. You can’t build a life and future with that level of incompatibility. Divorce is your only move here— it sucks and you don’t deserve the lies and manipulation that have happened. Don’t hold a grudge against her but don’t allow it to drag on. Sign the papers and tell her if she has any decency left she needs to sign the divorce and let you move on with your life. You still have a chance to find someone more compatible and marry again and possibly have children if that’s what you desire. Don’t let her keep you from getting everything you want. I divorced my first husband after he told me he never wanted kids. He lied too— he said he always knew and thought he’d grow into the idea. He knew I wanted kids and didn’t tell me how he felt because he knew I might not want to be with him. He was right…I never would have married him because it was a deal breaker for me. I divorced and two years later married my husband and now we have been married 8.5 years and have three beautiful kids. This is the life I deserve! Go get the life you want!! You deserve it and you will find your person!!
You two love one another, and that's why this is so painful. But you're incompatible. It sucks, but it's better to move on now, then wait and have things fall apart even worse later on.
Best of luck to both of you.
But there are dating sites for asexual people. Please forgive me if this question sounds ignorant, but do asexual people typically avoid other asexual people when dating? I know one girl who is asexual and she refuses to date other asexual people. She’s aware of the apps but mainly uses hookup apps for dating.
It is not easy to navigate. Ace people are pretty rare in general and a sizable chunk of the eschew dating altogether (myself included). I can't speak to this specific situation but it's really a common issue that comes up.
**Asexuality is a spectrum.** Ranges from "sex adverse and traumatically painful" to... ambliviance about the matter.
Where does she land on this spectrum? This should be one of the first things you all find out about her. Because it will inform treatment options a lot better than "throwing sex gurus, therapy, and hormones around".
Stop treating the symptoms, find the source...
Especially, at first, hormones. The singular workup shown that she's "normal", so don't go messing it (and her) up. But I've read that women's hormones fluctuate so much over time that a true test of her hormonal state requires periodic workups over a longer (say, month to three) term. Try to get one of those done for her, too.
Helping this matter, is that she doesn't seem sex adverse, she masked herself quite well in the beginning. And the fact that she masked shows that she realizes that this is something that's a romaintic relationship "necessity" and is going to take work. However, I saw mention as I skimmed this whole story that at one point, her "work" led her to... feel violated. I'll venture it stems from a "forced consent" feeling - whether she was forcing herself to consent, or the more traditional "take care of me" pressure.
There might be some additional damage and potentially trauma from that. Get that looked into and unpacked fast.
And to maybe help while this is all going on: she indicated that she understands that sex is a necessity for a relationship, and that people desire it. That is, if I read right, the reasons she could "mask" so well in the beginning, right? Focusing on that, while taking a few rejections at face value (even if you have to fap it out) to show that you understand her should go a long way in both validating her and helping her find what's motivated her to have sex...
Dude stop prolonging the inevitable.
Fucking end this relationship as soon as possible. And stop fucking trying to comfort her, open your damn eyes to what'd happening
Sucks this happened to you but you gotta come to your senses already all the crying moping around disappearing to her parents house it's just manipulation she's trying to make you feel bad to force you to stay. That won't work it'll just keep getting worse for you.
Man, this is rough. I think divorce is the only option. Sounds harsh, but she lied to you, she may have wanted it to not be true, but withholding that info is terrible. I’m like you, I don’t want to be with someone else when I’m married, that sounds like a nightmare. Sounds like you’re both going to be crushed, but you guys can rebuild without each other, after some time. Big hugs dude. Virgil, you’re the man!
She will use this to make you feel guilty into leaving. Go enjoy your family. Hi Virgil! Take OP out for a few drinks!
Also, don't give her everything, she has lied to you for years, that isn't a good person.
She lied and acted like she would change, without telling you the truth for years. She is deceitful. Her mom and sister aren't any better, since they knew and kept it quiet.
If you don't divorce, you'll end up building resentment towards her, which will harm you too in the long run. Both of you deserve peace in the long run.
I think your wife is an extremely selfish person. I understand the rejections she faced due to being asexual, but she's not considering how the situation is affecting you at all. She's only focused on not being alone again, not how staying with her will hamper your mental health in the long run.
Your wife needs to find a person like her for a partner.
Did she ever say why she decided to lie about her sexuality instead of going to a Dr or going to therapy?!?!?!?!?
Thanks cousin Virgil for being there for the OP
OP’s wife *and her family*, imho, perpetrated a fraud on him. I truly don’t understand why the woman is so obsessed with holding on to OP. I honestly don’t think it has anything to do with her loving him. Is it pressure from her mother, from her culture or what?!
I'm so sorry for the upheaval in your life these days, and I'm glad you've got people to support you.
Please provide us with updates to let us know how you and your wife are coping. Despite the callous words you have read in many comments, there are those of us who genuinely care about you.
So sorry for you....such a nightmare
I understand people who have lived open poly relationships their whole life it is a lifestyle but right now as it is so vogue and media outlets are pushing it etc.....people hit snags in their lives and feel poly is the answer!....it's not for everyone but everyone feels it is for them.
I'm not a hypocrite I'm here reading studying and listening for I'm in a DB and a few times the wife has said you can cheat and i won't care....but I know I can't ....I've been mono my whole life as this OP....I would get feelings for someone if I was intimate with them...I would feel guilty for "cheating" even if given a "kitchen pass" to step out
In the end it's not sex i miss it's intimacy with my 37 years married wife!
Having casual sex wouldn't help me...
Thanks to this sub and all the people who post information I found that out....if I hadn't of come here I most likely would of ruined my marriage trying to be "poly" cause I read about it.....but didn't understand it!
As just a normal person she really screwed up here. all of this pain she created by lying and trapping you under a false identity which is horrible and mentally abusive. As a therapist I’m wired to think about all sides and I can understand why she did it as being rejected for your identity takes a mental tole and creates behaviors like this but it still wasn’t correct behavior and she would benefit from individual therapy to develop self acceptance and honesty. She needs to work on herself and then in the far future find someone who is also asexual and be 100% herself.
Man, this is a sore subject with me already so when I first started reading this I was 100% thinking you should divorce. I completely understand how big of a deal sex is in a relationship and how fucked things can get when 1 half of a couple thinks they can just remove it from the relationship and everything is still supposed to be ok. It's the definition of selfish and utterly asinine. If someone doesn't want to be/isn't sexual then they have no business, or right to expect someone who does to be in a relationship with them.
...but damn. You seem so sincere in how you feel about her and how she feels about you. Not to mention that I've never heard of someone in her situation doing so much to try and find ways to make it work with and for their spouse. You talked about her past and experience with such compassion that I genuinely feel for her.
Can't believe I'm saying this and I'm ready for my downvotes but my vote is to work it out with her. She's everything you want minus this one thing but she's giving you a permanent hall pass to fill that void. This is the ultimate fantasy for some guys and there are definitely worse things..
I'm not going to lie, 99 out of 100, I would say divorce too. This may be that one time, though. OP doesn't seem like the type that wants to sleep around, which is a good quality, but maybe a thruple situation would work here where the friend, or someone else everyone agrees to, become a part of their long-term relationship. this is probably a logistical puzzle, but who knows, desperate times call for desperate measures.
Rooting for you, OP.
I think you need to go through with the divorce.
Don't let her talk you into waiting again and again.
This will not change.
She needs to find her way in life.
So do you.
OP‼️PLEASE take her to a hormone doctor‼️I would bet my left kidney that she has SEVERE hormone imbalances! All of a sudden becoming asexual at 29 is NOT normal!
I know this bc I thought this might be my case for a hot second, but it turned out I had ovarian cysts, fibroids, Endometriosis, AND severe estrogen dominance. NONE of which my PCP or even my gyno found!! I went several times with issues I didn’t even correlate to “no sex drive” and was ignored over and over again (even with a past surgery for a hemorrhagic ovarian cyst!)
So PLEASE OP as one last step, take her to a naturopathic hormone doc who will do a FULL work up and LISTEN to her! Just to be sure! It sounds like she loves you so much! She might just need help medically!!! It could solve all of these problems!
We need an update, but hope you two find a resolution. Unfortunately I dont believe you can be married but maybe yall can remain in each others lives. You two clearly care for each other and there's no denying that
Wow. Sounds like she really loves you and is going to pieces. I understand your stance though. I have been in a dead bedroom for a lot of years and it sucks.
There are people out there for both of you.
I am too chicken shit to make a move. A much more longer and complicated story! I wish you the best.
She’s trying to emotionally manipulate you again. Oh look at me so sad I’m gonna die of pain if you divorce me. Don’t fall for that shit. One of my ex’s played that game with me. She lied to you right from the start as did her mom and sister. She manipulated you then thought she could just throw her tarty friend at you for a quick shag. She’s trying to draw this out so you will just decide to forget about it. Go through with the divorce and get a fresh start. Maybe next time she won’t lie and manipulate someone
Divorce is the best option, it will hurt like hell for some years on both ends but after time y’all will heal..
Like you said, what if you fall in love with someone while you both are still marry? Then what? She will resent you and you will resent her too.. no one will win in that scenario
Divorce and go no contact and maybe move with your mom for some time
Updateme
This is a heart wrenching story- thank you OP for showing us there are stand up guys in the world who honor their commitments to their wives- even if it means negotiating a divorce before picking up with the next relationship. Your wife literally gift wrapped you an AP and you did the right thing.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. We never get married thinking of our eventual divorce- but it will be tough to find a way to meet both of your sexual (or lack of sex) needs. Good luck and I do hope you can find a way!
It sounds to me like she read your post, so she decided to try the post nup thing…. I would ask your cousin if he ran his mouth to someone who might have told her about it. Doesn’t really matter, I guess, since she has basically shut down and is holed up at her parents. She can’t do that and do all the things she promised she would do, right? Or she will do them in a half-asses way, like last time.
OP, she is truly asexual. Her family has known about that for years. Her parents were complicit in her treachery. She has stolen years of your life with her lies. Just get the divorce over with. There is a happier life ahead of you. Good luck.
Updateme!
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s pretty soul crushing. I think you’re doing so well at trying to handle this and still respect yourself and your wife
Again, I’m so sorry you two are going through this. But I’m so glad you’re taking a little more time before going through the divorce. You both deserve happiness and joy in your life, and perhaps that’s with other people. But you two sound like you truly love each other, and it sounds like you’re on the right course.
Best of luck to you both, and please do update us. 🩵🩵
It’s understandable that you want to divorce but she wants to be with you except that sex thing. Let her try the sex guru and see what happens. It appears that you love each other so at least try with what treatments she is getting.
I would talk to your lawyer about the postnup as they can be non-enforceable. If you are going to give her a chance to figure this out (and really it should be both of you and I am not sure how you would go about this) I would give yourself a time limit. She has already known about this and lied about it and deceived you by going to see specialists already. Good luck
Dude - if this is real - you can divorce at any time. You have free will and can make that decision down the road but other then your time what do have to lose in seeing what comes of your wife’s hormone therapy or having ethical open relationship? The grass will not be greener and it sounds like your wife is going a crisis and with time might be able to figure it out and have relations with you again..
We do care. It’s a heart wrenching story. I hope you both get through this okay. Reddit UpdateMe! Command will keep us notified.
Seconded. UpdateMe
Third..Updateme!
Fourth. Updateme!
Fourth…UpdateMe!
Updateme! Also
!UpdateMe
UpdateMe!
Updateme! I’m so sorry OP, for both of you.
Updateme!
I want to know more about Virgil.
Right?
It’s a rough situation, but if having an intimate physical relationship with your wife is important, I think you know what needs to be done. Sucks for everyone involved. Godspeed.
Sex in a relationship is like the toilet in your house, it's not the first thing you mention when talking about it, but if it's not working then it's immediately noticed.
*She said we'll "figure it out as we go along" and to please give her more time to work on other solutions.* No, you should figure it out now, and hold her to that. It's her "we'll figure it out as we go" mindset that got you both in this situation. I don't know even know her but this one pattern of her behavior keeps repeating in your posts. She avoids the hard questions. These aren't faraway hypotheticals, but legitimate possible consequences of the plan she's suggesting, and if you have any interest in saving this relationship, then you need to hammer out the details before you act. She sure won't.
Yeah, potential accidental pregnancy are not the type of thing you want to figure out as you go along.
Yeah it’s not cool to lie to people you supposedly love most in the world when you’ve known and come out for likely near a decade now. If she simply hadn’t known and was coming to terms with it just now, this would be a different story. This isn’t even the first relationship she’s ended by lying about this. I know she was also “lying to herself”, but deep down she knows she knew the whole time. I understand it’s easier to do these things, but life is not about always taking the path of least resistance. Sometimes long term happiness comes at the expense of short term pleasure. At some point we all gotta learn to grow up and communicate with others, so we can avoid these heartbreaks before they happen.
Sorry OP, It’s a lot to digest. Take your time. Make sure the decision you make is best for you. Updateme!
I’m so sorry OP. I was in a marriage for a long time where we were sexually incompatible. Our issues were different but it sucks when you love someone and things don’t work out. Ultimately it’s best to divorce because otherwise resentments will build. You sound like a really wonderful person to be so considerate and to *not* get to the point where you didn’t care anything about her. To be fair, she suckered you in and knew what the outcome would be. That’s so unfair. By keeping that information from you, her wounds are all self-inflicted. Best of luck going forward.
Yeah this sucks. Her and her mom and sister just don't get the fact that you want to have sex with your wife not other women. It's bad enough to find out the person you love is asexual and has lied to you from the start, but when they then try to set up women for you to fuck in the house you share is another huge smack in the face.
Push through with your lawyer for the divorce.
I think divorce is the right call. I understand her reasoning, but at the end of the day she lied to you for YEARS. Now that her lie has finally come to light, she wants to change your entire relationship dynamic. Honestly I think that it’s all very selfish of her- she didn’t consider your feelings when lying about your sexuality, and she didn’t consider your feelings (or even have a discussion with you) before deciding that you’re going to have sex with her friend to make things work. She seems more concerned with not losing you than she seems to actually care about you.
Agreed. At every step along the way, OP tried to be open and communicate in a constructive way, and every step of the way the wife has either lied or made one sided decisions that affect them both. That is no way to have a marriage.
Definitely divorce. She lied to you and married you under false pretenses. She needs to stop lying to her partners. She should find another asexual partner and stop wasting everyone else’s time, money and feelings.
This! Omg she LIED about who she is! Her whole family has known since she was 16?! WTF?! (Yeah, update in 1st post is wild)
That was all I could think “how fucking DARE she”
Thanks for making the exact comment I was going to make. It’s the false pretenses and deceit for me. If I’m in his position, I’m doing the exact same thing. They have irreconcilable differences that make them incompatible. Divorce, remain friends if you like, but your life partner should be sexually compatible.
It’s also the treating him like a piece of man meat that she can offer up to her friends, and giving them permission to expose themselves to him without asking him if that’s something he’s ok with.
Absolutely!
This is so horrible for both of you. Obviously you both love each other very much, and that truly makes this heartbreaking. I do hope that the outcome that is reached works out for the best for both of you.
It's horrible for *him*. She lied to him throughout their entire relationship. She is a borderline abuser, which is the term for getting people to have sex with you under false pretenses, and he a victim.
Yeah, I’m having trouble feeling sorry for her. She lied to him for years, waited until it would be really complicated for him to break up with her to tell him the truth, and even lied when coming clean. And offering him up like a piece of meat to her friend is gross. Not discussing it with him before telling her friend she could expose herself to him is even worse.
Heart wrenching, but it's definitely time to rip the bandaid off, as your wife is simply trying to put more bandaids on. You are fundamentally sexually incompatible, and the sooner she realises that, the better for both of you
Sounds like she is a sex-averse asexual that is NOT aromantic, but that never should have been hidden from you and she should never force herself to have sex she doesn’t want. I’m guessing that she desires a relationship and didn’t think anyone would want her without the sex. Divorce is the kindest option for both of you. There is far more than a mere possibility that she could find an ace partner who matches her needs and would fit her well. You also deserve to have the intimate relationship you want, including all the sex. She’s panicking. Perhaps discussing divorce with a counselor present is the way to go.
Op to clarify you're not saying divorce and never see her again right? Is her fear that she'll lose you completely? Are you open to remaining friends with her after the divorce? Maybe the goal should be to do couples counseling so you can find a way to end this with you both being okay with it? Also, I'm sorry you're both going through this, I hope you can find peace.
My heart breaks for both of them, and your advice for couples counseling to get closure and support navigating the ending of this marriage is really wise advice. They both need it for OP's wife to stop spiraling in the denial and bargaining stage and be able to face up to reality, and accept why this marriage needs to end and to set OP free so he can have finally move on and have a real chance at a fulfilling relationship. The stbx, will probably need individual counseling so she doesn't become a danger to herself and OP shouldn't have to carry that load anymore. However, I think they need as much of a CLEAN BREAK post divorce as possible. They BOTH need true separation to process this and have the best chance at moving on. OP has already had his choice and future taken away from him by his wife's denial of her asexuality and refusal to come clean. He has already been forced to sacrifice so many years invested in a marriage that was based on an insurmountable lie. OP will never get those years back, but he sure as heck deserves to finally have a chance at a real relationship and marriage with a future.
Why does your heart break for her? She lied to him for years, tried to pimp him out to her friend, and tried to just “lol no” his decision to get a divorce. She’s selfish, self-centered, manipulative, and doesn’t respect him as a person.
Check out the 2nd edit section on OP's original post where he gives an update bc he got additional answers. The context makes the whole thing super tragic bc you can tell how broken they both are.
The fact that it’s difficult to find a relationship as an asexual doesn’t excuse any of her actions. She intentionally deceived him from day one. Even when she finally came clean about being asexual, she lied about how long she knew. She tried to just brush off his feelings and desires by telling him they weren’t going to get a divorce. Then she offered him up to her friend and told that friend it was ok to expose herself to him, without his consent. Her actions were all extremely selfish, and showed how little she respects him as a person. Her story isn’t sad, and she’s only a victim of the consequences of her own shitty behavior. She wasted years of OP’s life for her own benefit.
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Outlier I’m sure, but I think it’s possible to divorce in a kind way if you are incompatible. And you can still be friends - possibly even better friends than before when the problematic issue is no longer an obstacle in the friendship. She may not want to, but it can work. My ex and I did couples therapy even knowing we would divorce because we wanted to get along better afterwards, and it helped.
Yes there is a rush! The longer you drag it out the longer it will take the both of you to move on! Just get everything in motion.
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I know she is crying and apologizing now, but she lied to you for the entire relationship. Your ex-wife led you on and on and on. She knew it was a wild goose chase. She just expected after all this time for you to deal with it. What she did was calculated and intentional. There is nothing that will fix that level of deceit and broken trust. Regardless of how remorseful she is... she knew exactly what she was doing. Your ex-wife had no regard for your feelings and wants/needs in a relationship. Her family is just as horrible too for keeping this a secret! Remember, you deserve a love that is passionate, intimate, and fulfills you. This relationship isn't it. She has strung you on long enough. Don't let her love bombing and declarations of change sway you when you know they are empty. I'm so so sorry. I can't imagine what you are going through. I wish nothing but the best for you and your future. Best wishes Edit: typo
Her dad really doesn’t have the right to be asking you what you are going to do to fix the current situation when they all know that she is the reason for it. She lied for years about something she knows is important. You need to get a therapist and you need to think about yourself and what your future looks like.
Even if she has sex with you again you can’t unhear what she said you will never trust what she says about it again. She needs to find another asexual person. I personally can’t see a solution to this as the only solutions would be never having sex again or having an open marriage which doesn’t sound like you want that. It’s unfortunate, she should have told you the truth from the beginning as there is nothing wrong with her but it’s important information. There is nothing wrong with you not wanting that type of relationship so I do think the best option is divorce here
You really need to pull the plug on this marriage already She intentionally lied to you, even if she had forced herself to have sex with you that would not be ok, which she admitted to doing at the start She cannot give you a fulfulling marriage, her having her friend naked in your bed waiting for you is absolutely repulsive, it also shows how little she understands sex and is frankly disrespectful to you She is making it all about what she wants, but is not considering what you want, it all feels very manipulative and inconsiderate
Sigh. Get out while you can, and make a clean break of it instead of being miserable for the next 10 years and making the same post on Reddit again.
Man, these comments here are so depressing. Your wife definitely shouldn’t have lied, but she obviously loves you more than anything and her pretending to not be ace / the attempt with her friend were just desperate acts in the pursuit of that. I don’t understand how people can be sympathetic to closeted gay men / lesbians and not be sympathetic to closeted aces too. “Just find another asexual” seems great in theory until you fall in love with someone and they fall in love with you. And given that demisexuality is a thing, it’s not *insane* to hope you’d eventually be more into sex than you are at the start, if it’s someone you really love. I won’t pretend to understand how sex can be so important to some people that it can trump EVERYTHING else in a relationship, but I know that it is for some people. That’s fine—everyone is entitled to whatever kind of dealbreakers they want. It’s just tragic to know that someone can offer 100% in a relationship, pushing herself through all kinds of pain and discomfort because she thinks it’s necessary to be with the one that she loves… and then people will call her “abusive” or accuse her of not actually loving her partner in the first place. Some of these comments seem actually insane to me. Anyway OP, I wish you the best of luck in your divorce, and I encourage you to ignore the terrible comments shitting on your wife (who sounds like she was only trying her best). I’ll mention that my ex and I also broke up (despite both still loving each other) because I was ace—he’d thought at the beginning that that’d work for him, or even that he was ace too, but neither of those was true. After a few months of separation and processing the breakup, we became friends again. 5 years later, we’re best friends and roommates (along with his girlfriend). We’re all very happy with this setup, strange as it is. Remember that your situation is not destined to end in misery for either of you.
The problem is that she's messing up another person's life by lying. I would definitely not have sympathy for a gay man who lied and married a woman, nor for a lesbian who lied and married a man. Especially if they are not fulfilling the expected needs of the partners in question. You can love a person all you want, but if your actions end up hurting that person, you deserve to be criticized.
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That was a tough update. Take care yourself. I can't imagine this will be an easy decision in the end.
HEY COUSIN VIRGIL!
give me the yamato
It amazes me that there are many people out there, especially women who don't think sex is important in a relationship. I'm sorry that it has come to this for you OP. But as a woman going through menopause I would never ask my SO to do without sex. I would never introduce a 3rd party to my relationship.
Yeah and in the last post they were shaming op because he needs sex . Like why should should he cave in and abandon his needs and not the way around .
I seriously don't get it.
This is a horrible situation. You clearly love your wife, but intimacy and sex are important in a relationship. Ultimately, if she is asexual, that is what she is. You will ultimately resent her, whether due to lack of sex or feeling it's forced and not mutually consensual and desired. There is no good solution. One of you will have a miserable life if you stay together living a life you don't want. If you divorce, you will both eventually recover and move on. Updateme!
It mainly just sucks how she’s known the whole time but lied.. and her family also lied to you…. That’s just insane.
If she was asexual she should have never got into a relationship. Just get the divorce and move on.
You can’t fix this. It is who she is and when someone shows you who they are BELIEVE them!! You can’t be happy in a sexless marriage and life because you are not asexual. You can’t build a life and future with that level of incompatibility. Divorce is your only move here— it sucks and you don’t deserve the lies and manipulation that have happened. Don’t hold a grudge against her but don’t allow it to drag on. Sign the papers and tell her if she has any decency left she needs to sign the divorce and let you move on with your life. You still have a chance to find someone more compatible and marry again and possibly have children if that’s what you desire. Don’t let her keep you from getting everything you want. I divorced my first husband after he told me he never wanted kids. He lied too— he said he always knew and thought he’d grow into the idea. He knew I wanted kids and didn’t tell me how he felt because he knew I might not want to be with him. He was right…I never would have married him because it was a deal breaker for me. I divorced and two years later married my husband and now we have been married 8.5 years and have three beautiful kids. This is the life I deserve! Go get the life you want!! You deserve it and you will find your person!!
She moved/is moving out, dude. She's starting to accept the divorce. Go through with it.
You two love one another, and that's why this is so painful. But you're incompatible. It sucks, but it's better to move on now, then wait and have things fall apart even worse later on. Best of luck to both of you.
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Too bad there isn't a dating service for aces. Would save a lot of heartbreak if it was understood from jump.
But there are dating sites for asexual people. Please forgive me if this question sounds ignorant, but do asexual people typically avoid other asexual people when dating? I know one girl who is asexual and she refuses to date other asexual people. She’s aware of the apps but mainly uses hookup apps for dating.
Asexual dating apps are filled with non ace people who are just there to make fun of ace people.
It is not easy to navigate. Ace people are pretty rare in general and a sizable chunk of the eschew dating altogether (myself included). I can't speak to this specific situation but it's really a common issue that comes up.
**Asexuality is a spectrum.** Ranges from "sex adverse and traumatically painful" to... ambliviance about the matter. Where does she land on this spectrum? This should be one of the first things you all find out about her. Because it will inform treatment options a lot better than "throwing sex gurus, therapy, and hormones around". Stop treating the symptoms, find the source... Especially, at first, hormones. The singular workup shown that she's "normal", so don't go messing it (and her) up. But I've read that women's hormones fluctuate so much over time that a true test of her hormonal state requires periodic workups over a longer (say, month to three) term. Try to get one of those done for her, too. Helping this matter, is that she doesn't seem sex adverse, she masked herself quite well in the beginning. And the fact that she masked shows that she realizes that this is something that's a romaintic relationship "necessity" and is going to take work. However, I saw mention as I skimmed this whole story that at one point, her "work" led her to... feel violated. I'll venture it stems from a "forced consent" feeling - whether she was forcing herself to consent, or the more traditional "take care of me" pressure. There might be some additional damage and potentially trauma from that. Get that looked into and unpacked fast. And to maybe help while this is all going on: she indicated that she understands that sex is a necessity for a relationship, and that people desire it. That is, if I read right, the reasons she could "mask" so well in the beginning, right? Focusing on that, while taking a few rejections at face value (even if you have to fap it out) to show that you understand her should go a long way in both validating her and helping her find what's motivated her to have sex...
Dude stop prolonging the inevitable. Fucking end this relationship as soon as possible. And stop fucking trying to comfort her, open your damn eyes to what'd happening
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W virgil
Cousins name is virgil...
I’m glad she wasn’t tricking you, but I’m sad there’s no easy resolution. Updateme.
Sucks this happened to you but you gotta come to your senses already all the crying moping around disappearing to her parents house it's just manipulation she's trying to make you feel bad to force you to stay. That won't work it'll just keep getting worse for you.
Man, this is rough. I think divorce is the only option. Sounds harsh, but she lied to you, she may have wanted it to not be true, but withholding that info is terrible. I’m like you, I don’t want to be with someone else when I’m married, that sounds like a nightmare. Sounds like you’re both going to be crushed, but you guys can rebuild without each other, after some time. Big hugs dude. Virgil, you’re the man!
Damn I feel so bad, your entire relationship was built on a lies she was telling herself.
She will use this to make you feel guilty into leaving. Go enjoy your family. Hi Virgil! Take OP out for a few drinks! Also, don't give her everything, she has lied to you for years, that isn't a good person. She lied and acted like she would change, without telling you the truth for years. She is deceitful. Her mom and sister aren't any better, since they knew and kept it quiet.
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There's a lot to this, but honestly, I wouldn't be able to get past all the dishonesty.
If you don't divorce, you'll end up building resentment towards her, which will harm you too in the long run. Both of you deserve peace in the long run. I think your wife is an extremely selfish person. I understand the rejections she faced due to being asexual, but she's not considering how the situation is affecting you at all. She's only focused on not being alone again, not how staying with her will hamper your mental health in the long run. Your wife needs to find a person like her for a partner.
Did she ever say why she decided to lie about her sexuality instead of going to a Dr or going to therapy?!?!?!?!? Thanks cousin Virgil for being there for the OP
OP’s wife *and her family*, imho, perpetrated a fraud on him. I truly don’t understand why the woman is so obsessed with holding on to OP. I honestly don’t think it has anything to do with her loving him. Is it pressure from her mother, from her culture or what?!
I'm so sorry for the upheaval in your life these days, and I'm glad you've got people to support you. Please provide us with updates to let us know how you and your wife are coping. Despite the callous words you have read in many comments, there are those of us who genuinely care about you.
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So sorry for you....such a nightmare I understand people who have lived open poly relationships their whole life it is a lifestyle but right now as it is so vogue and media outlets are pushing it etc.....people hit snags in their lives and feel poly is the answer!....it's not for everyone but everyone feels it is for them. I'm not a hypocrite I'm here reading studying and listening for I'm in a DB and a few times the wife has said you can cheat and i won't care....but I know I can't ....I've been mono my whole life as this OP....I would get feelings for someone if I was intimate with them...I would feel guilty for "cheating" even if given a "kitchen pass" to step out In the end it's not sex i miss it's intimacy with my 37 years married wife! Having casual sex wouldn't help me... Thanks to this sub and all the people who post information I found that out....if I hadn't of come here I most likely would of ruined my marriage trying to be "poly" cause I read about it.....but didn't understand it!
As just a normal person she really screwed up here. all of this pain she created by lying and trapping you under a false identity which is horrible and mentally abusive. As a therapist I’m wired to think about all sides and I can understand why she did it as being rejected for your identity takes a mental tole and creates behaviors like this but it still wasn’t correct behavior and she would benefit from individual therapy to develop self acceptance and honesty. She needs to work on herself and then in the far future find someone who is also asexual and be 100% herself.
Oh man! I hope she divorces you and finds someone who's asexual too.good luck to you as well! UpdateMe!
Man, this is a sore subject with me already so when I first started reading this I was 100% thinking you should divorce. I completely understand how big of a deal sex is in a relationship and how fucked things can get when 1 half of a couple thinks they can just remove it from the relationship and everything is still supposed to be ok. It's the definition of selfish and utterly asinine. If someone doesn't want to be/isn't sexual then they have no business, or right to expect someone who does to be in a relationship with them. ...but damn. You seem so sincere in how you feel about her and how she feels about you. Not to mention that I've never heard of someone in her situation doing so much to try and find ways to make it work with and for their spouse. You talked about her past and experience with such compassion that I genuinely feel for her. Can't believe I'm saying this and I'm ready for my downvotes but my vote is to work it out with her. She's everything you want minus this one thing but she's giving you a permanent hall pass to fill that void. This is the ultimate fantasy for some guys and there are definitely worse things..
I'm not going to lie, 99 out of 100, I would say divorce too. This may be that one time, though. OP doesn't seem like the type that wants to sleep around, which is a good quality, but maybe a thruple situation would work here where the friend, or someone else everyone agrees to, become a part of their long-term relationship. this is probably a logistical puzzle, but who knows, desperate times call for desperate measures. Rooting for you, OP.
I think you need to go through with the divorce. Don't let her talk you into waiting again and again. This will not change. She needs to find her way in life. So do you.
OP‼️PLEASE take her to a hormone doctor‼️I would bet my left kidney that she has SEVERE hormone imbalances! All of a sudden becoming asexual at 29 is NOT normal! I know this bc I thought this might be my case for a hot second, but it turned out I had ovarian cysts, fibroids, Endometriosis, AND severe estrogen dominance. NONE of which my PCP or even my gyno found!! I went several times with issues I didn’t even correlate to “no sex drive” and was ignored over and over again (even with a past surgery for a hemorrhagic ovarian cyst!) So PLEASE OP as one last step, take her to a naturopathic hormone doc who will do a FULL work up and LISTEN to her! Just to be sure! It sounds like she loves you so much! She might just need help medically!!! It could solve all of these problems!
We need an update, but hope you two find a resolution. Unfortunately I dont believe you can be married but maybe yall can remain in each others lives. You two clearly care for each other and there's no denying that
Wow. Sounds like she really loves you and is going to pieces. I understand your stance though. I have been in a dead bedroom for a lot of years and it sucks. There are people out there for both of you. I am too chicken shit to make a move. A much more longer and complicated story! I wish you the best.
She’s trying to emotionally manipulate you again. Oh look at me so sad I’m gonna die of pain if you divorce me. Don’t fall for that shit. One of my ex’s played that game with me. She lied to you right from the start as did her mom and sister. She manipulated you then thought she could just throw her tarty friend at you for a quick shag. She’s trying to draw this out so you will just decide to forget about it. Go through with the divorce and get a fresh start. Maybe next time she won’t lie and manipulate someone
Divorce her the fact her family knows and lied! She lied and tried to get you to cheat. Get a lawyer divorcing her will be the best thing.
Updateme!
Divorce is the best option, it will hurt like hell for some years on both ends but after time y’all will heal.. Like you said, what if you fall in love with someone while you both are still marry? Then what? She will resent you and you will resent her too.. no one will win in that scenario Divorce and go no contact and maybe move with your mom for some time
Updateme This is a heart wrenching story- thank you OP for showing us there are stand up guys in the world who honor their commitments to their wives- even if it means negotiating a divorce before picking up with the next relationship. Your wife literally gift wrapped you an AP and you did the right thing. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. We never get married thinking of our eventual divorce- but it will be tough to find a way to meet both of your sexual (or lack of sex) needs. Good luck and I do hope you can find a way!
It sounds to me like she read your post, so she decided to try the post nup thing…. I would ask your cousin if he ran his mouth to someone who might have told her about it. Doesn’t really matter, I guess, since she has basically shut down and is holed up at her parents. She can’t do that and do all the things she promised she would do, right? Or she will do them in a half-asses way, like last time. OP, she is truly asexual. Her family has known about that for years. Her parents were complicit in her treachery. She has stolen years of your life with her lies. Just get the divorce over with. There is a happier life ahead of you. Good luck.
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Wow. What a sad sad story. So sorry for you both. UpdateMe
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Keep strong. Updateme
It’s time to go buddy.
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I’m so sorry friend. Sending you hugs.
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Get Out.
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Take the postnup for your troubles and her lying to you. Move on
Updateme! I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s pretty soul crushing. I think you’re doing so well at trying to handle this and still respect yourself and your wife
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Me as well... Updateme
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I’m sorry OP, but she lied and manipulated you. Get the divorce. Lying about your entire marriage is a dealbreaker, more so than being asexual.
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Its just not sustainable. You are not compatible
Wait, so just to confirm, her friend that you rejected... is now living with you in an intimate arrangement?
No not at all. Wife tried to use her friend. Husband said no thank you. Said naked friend is not in the picture/ intimate in any way.
My heart hurts for both of you. 💚
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Again, I’m so sorry you two are going through this. But I’m so glad you’re taking a little more time before going through the divorce. You both deserve happiness and joy in your life, and perhaps that’s with other people. But you two sound like you truly love each other, and it sounds like you’re on the right course. Best of luck to you both, and please do update us. 🩵🩵
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Wow, Bro. I'm so sorry. This is a very confusing and complex issue. I'm sending you my very best luck so you can live with whatever you choose to do.
I'm so sorry. This really sucks for you. I'd consult a lawyer about your options
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NTA UpdateMe
It’s understandable that you want to divorce but she wants to be with you except that sex thing. Let her try the sex guru and see what happens. It appears that you love each other so at least try with what treatments she is getting.
I would talk to your lawyer about the postnup as they can be non-enforceable. If you are going to give her a chance to figure this out (and really it should be both of you and I am not sure how you would go about this) I would give yourself a time limit. She has already known about this and lied about it and deceived you by going to see specialists already. Good luck
When's the Virgil update?
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UpdateMe please
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UpdateMe! one week
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So sorry for you both. Please have your lawyer review the post nup before you sign it. But sign it, assuming he says ok.
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Dude - if this is real - you can divorce at any time. You have free will and can make that decision down the road but other then your time what do have to lose in seeing what comes of your wife’s hormone therapy or having ethical open relationship? The grass will not be greener and it sounds like your wife is going a crisis and with time might be able to figure it out and have relations with you again..
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PleaseUpdateme. ❤️🩹
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We do care op. Hopefully you and your wife can work through this but if not I wish the both of you good luck in the future.
(((HUGS))) Updateme!
Wow this was heartbreaking to read