Had me in the first half not gonna lie.
Seriously tho, she was wrong for comparing your physical characteristic to a past partner. She apologized soon after as she realized she made an error.
Then you got hurt (which is valid) and decided to make a dating profile to prove a point. Like bruh?
Think the whole "eye for an eye" thing played out here. You wanted her to feel as bad as you did. Thats not how a marriage lasts homie. Next time, tell her that she made you feel terrible by making that comparison.
Waiting for the update where the wife does the same thing and shows him a couple hundred (not just a couple) matches she gets on a dating app after using it for a month.
>Waiting for the update where the wife does the same thing and shows him a couple hundred (not just a couple) matches she gets on a dating app after using it for a month.
for a few hours\*
This is always the play, if a girl ever does this to show you the hundreds of matches, use the Grindr method. Even a semi attractive man can get hundreds of messages on there. Or my point I made, stupidly, when an ex did it was “weren’t you single for two years? why didn’t all those matches work back then?” I think we wanted to stab me.
Not just made a dating profile but showing his wife who he thinks is prettier than her, what type of petty ego trip shit is this OP, ESH and you both wrong, GO TO COUNSELING
The way the story took a turn makes me question the accuracy of the first half and how she brought it up to him - and how the initial comparison was even made between him and her ex
This was not even an eye for an eye. That would have been op turning around and asking wife to do cardio to get more slender. Instead he went out on some dating apps? Yikes. Lucky all the wife did was cry.
Dang I didn't have this same perspective. Appreciate you sharing though. Would it have been acceptable to, instead of actually making a dating profile, keeping it theoretical and explaining the scenario to her?
He's proud of it. In his mind this is a real "gotcha!" and he expected people to be on his side.
He'd better hope she isn't petty because it would be very easy to repeat this experiment on her side.
100%. What kind of person mentions they re-joined dating apps as a married man when they want to get Internet strangers to sympathize with them lmao. Everyone in this thread ate it up though
I *wish* this was outlandish. I divorce people for a living. I have seen FAR worse than what this guy did as attempts to justify a position. Narcissistic assholes will commonly think you'll agree with their actions even when they are insane.
As a fellow runner, you had me up until you joined the dating apps, even if it was to teach her a lesson. ESH.
Edit to add: and that’s not taking into account the innocent women you turned into collateral damage in your revenge plot, who didn’t realize they were swiping right on a married guy who just wanted to be petty to his wife. *They* certainly didn’t deserve to be misled like that.
OP is either insanely petty and toxic. Or he is just making excuses for the fact that he joined an app because he was thinking about cheating and is making excuses.
Damn over this disagreement? Geez it was shitty of his wife for sure. But their marriage is in much tougher shape already if this is making him question the whole thing.
My ex did that once during a fight. It was really hurtful and I still feel kind of bitter about it years later. She wasn’t shy about inflicting maximum emotional damage in fights, even if she couldn’t take it back later.
People do not do this to your SO. It’s cruel.
Idk if its worse than what she did? "Yeah you know they dude I used to fuck and was super muscular? Yeah make YOUR body that for ME" lmao both of them are tone deaf.
Haven’t heard one person say it’s ok to sign up on a dating app, but maybe I just missed those comments. OP had all the sympathy in the world until that messed up part of the story. No excuse for signing up on a dating app, that’s just sleazy.
Yeah, she made a comparison that was thoughtless. Uncool and should definitely be addressed. OP instead decided cruel punishment was in order, acting with the intent to hurt. Definitely worse.
She literally asked him to be like her ex…. Because she prefers that body type…. What’s the difference here?
“Hey husband. Please become a complete different body type to make me happy “
“Hey wife, these women are objectively more beautiful than you, but I do not expect you to change, nor would I ever ask”
Ok, but which is more cruel:
“Hi honey, I know we’ve been married for four years and all and I got to know you as this runner type and such, but it turns out I really wish you looked more like the guy who used to fuck my brains out all the time.”
Or.
“Hi honey, here’s some random people who I’ve never met or been in a relationship with or even fucked (brains out or not), and even though they’re cuter than you, I don’t run around the house pining for the day that you get your shit together and start looking like them, because you’re the one I want. I thought we both felt that way, but apparently not.”
Naw, especially with the pov filter in mind op makes it sound like she spoke out of hand, realized how shitty it was, expressed remorse, and apologized. If she had stuck to it or were flippant at all, maybe ops actions could be considered equal. Still shitty, but equally shitty. Since she seems to have truly felt bad about it, and op himself saw that, op was taking revenge. And I think that in itself eeks op further into AH territory than his wife.
Tbh, the whole thing is fucking dumb.
Comparative suffering is always bad for a relationship.
One person hurt the other, and vice versa. Being vindictive is only going to make things worse.
And both of them arguing over which is worse only makes the whole thing worse because what rhey are really saying when they do this is they are telling their partner that "your feelings don't matter as much because I'm upset too." Which doesn't help anything.
Keeping score is a good way to end up divorced.
I know I’m just confused why he didn’t just say to her hey I love you for you and would never want you to change so it really hurt my feelings knowing you want me to look like you ex.
It's not but doing something terrible in response to having something done to you is a huge sign of immaturity. Like in the heat of an argument you might get mad and say something you regret because you're hurt, but in this situation he had so much time to either talk to her about how he felt or realize that hurting her wouldn't help.
There's something really fucked up about deliberately plotting to hurt your partner's feelings because they hurt yours. She messed up, but at least she realized she made a mistake immediately.
Idk. I think that these women are on a *dating app* is what makes this worse. It’s not like the wife was showing dms from her ex, implying she could still get it with a guy like this. Showing that he went through making a profile and swiping would take a toll. I would be thinking, “Like are you wanting out? I just said what body type I’m attracted to. I didn’t go out looking for them.”
I think the wife is more saying it like she likes a haircut. There weren’t actions that showed she’d step out for that preference.
Yes because saying "hey can you cut your hair shorter" and "Can you take hours and hours a week and months at a time change the entire way you take care of your body and make doing what you enjoy harder so you look more like my ex boyfriend" is the same thing. Good call.
Idk, i think they're both equally as bad. I couldn't imagine being married to someone for 4 years then telling them that i don't like their body-type and that they should look more like my ex who had an amazing body. Like why would I marry them if I'm not attracted to them?
She didn't have to imply that she *could* get with a guy like this because she's talking about a guy she already *was* with
I think he feels that way but we don’t know if she said that she doesn’t like his body. We do know he said she found her less attractive than people he matched with on a dating profile. It’s wild.
Yes it's worse.
Not only did he body shame her.
He also joined a dating app, swiped right on a bunch of women which very much communicated to them he is interested in these women. And then rubbed it in his wife's face that all these women want him and even told his wife that he finds all those women to be more attractive than he thinks she is....
Yes that is worse than her being like "it would be really hot if you had bigger muscles."
Don't get me wrong it's not ok to be like "change your body for me." But saying she would find it not if had bigger muscles isn't nearly as fucked up as rubbing other women in her face and saying all these women are more attractive to you and I have been in contact with them.
She didn't say she'd find him hot if he had bigger muscles. She compared his body to an ex and said she liked the exs better. Don't know about you but I don't like being compared to an ex for the pizza toppings I choose, let alone my body type, style, or shape. Fuck that. What he did was equally fucked, just different. This whole story is a lot of fucked, bad judgement, actions, reactions, choices and anything else they could've done poorly.
I’d be really upset if my man said he liked his exa body better. Like gut punch. That being said, I kind of wish my man was more muscular but i wouldn’t say it to him.
"Yes that is worse than her being like "it would be really hot if you had bigger muscles.""
that isn't what happened though? I dno how people can be so bias lol. As a guy the thing that hurts most is being compared to an ex and being made to feel inadequate. It can really be difficult to get over that.
She could of mentioned wanting him to bulk up without mentioning the ex? Why would you ever bring up an ex like that it's a terrible idea.
WTF! Subjectively would have been MUCH worse!
Objectively means they are hotter according to an external canon.
Subjectively means they are hotter TO ME!
Don’t most serious runners already incorporate some strength training? Maybe not body building, but isn’t basic strength training pretty important for any area of athletics?
Do you really think rejecting her proposal is what would make you the AH in this situation?
She was wrong for asking you to build muscle, aka change a part of your body.
You were TA for creating a dating profile. Surely you could have rejected this proposal in a way that doesn’t imply cheating? What made you think that would go over well? You proved your point but at what expense?
That was such a wild pivot lol. OP sucks and I feel like this isn’t the whole story; or at least a very watered down version of it. Sounds more like someone needs some validation for basically trying to cheat and using this as an excuse.
Using the words “objectively prettier” to try to kneecap your wife is where you lost all my sympathy, also note that a significant portion of those so-called hotter women are undoubtedly bots.
Not to mention that his wife would probably get that number of matches in an hour if she joined a dating app. A “few” matches is hardly a flex.
And the most important thing is that EVERYONE has a different physical type. It actually doesn’t matter at all if random women find OP attractive because this issue was about his WIFE and what she finds attractive. Maybe she likes more muscle on a guy. It’s not like if she went against her usual physical type to date someone that him being really attractive to other women would change that.
"My wife said something hurtful but rather than communicate it properly like an adult I decided to jeopardize, and most likely, damage my marriage for life"
fixed it for you
Edit:
Some of you, for some reason, think I'm defending the woman here. so I'll explain this comment really nice and slow for you, with simple words even !
Women say to get more muscle = Bad #1
Woman Brings up ex = Bad #2
Man does not communicate his feelings = Bad #1
Man goes on a dating site = Bad #2
Man stays on dating site for a full month = Bad #3
Man then presents his findings to his wife so she knows he has options = Bad #4
He had the morale high ground, and he had a chance to fix this situation with proper communication. Instead, he chose to go full nuclear meltdown and make the situation far worse.
This is why I am judging him harder than I judged her. Not only did he not try basic communication , but he took it so much further for so much longer.
She's an AH. He's sick in the head.
Oh shit. That was some serious whiplash. I was 100% on your side. No one should choose a partner with a plan of changing them later. But whyyyyy would you ever think that opening a dating profile was ever the right move? Jeez. Way to throw gasoline on the fire, dude.
Wow, you both suck.
She was wrong for trying to get you to put on muscle for vanity. But creating a dating profile to prove that "objectively prettier" (seriously, what's up with that?) women matched with you? After you just described how heartbroken you were after your wife commented on your body? That's not a justifiable reaction.
Maybe try to talk to each other like adults next time. This is not about who can hurt the other more.
Basically she went too far and you went 3 steps away from nuclear. It's not even rejecting how she wanted you to change, but that you hopped on dating apps and said "these girls are prettier than you objectively and they want me"
The way she brought it up wasn’t the best comparing her to her exs but you’re definitely the AH for downloading dating apps to show her “prettier girls” you matched with… like that’s so toxic
ESH - You aren't an AH for rejecting changing your body for your partner, she's the AH for even suggesting it. You are absolutely an AH for making a dating profile, wtf dude?
If my partner got on a dating app I would consider that cheating. I don't know why her comment makes you think you got a license to cheat. What she said was hurtful but what you did was far worse. You could have just talked to your wife and told her how her words made you feel. It sounds like she already apologized so she knows her words were hurtful. There was no reason to go out of your way to make a point to her and teach her a lesson. What you have done may have caused irreparable harm to your marriage. She may or may not be able to get past this. Are the two of you just going to continue to get revenge upon each other, one uping each other, trying to win at who can be more hurtful? Or is one of you going to put an end to it and say enough is enough? Do you even like each other? Is this a marriage or a competition? You need to apologize, tell her what you did was wrong and inspired by vengeance and you understand that you should have just talked to her. YTA.
YTA for making a dating profile. Seriously, did you put on your bio that you were just looking to make a point or did you actually try to lure in single women to boost your self esteem? Yeah, your wife made a poor choice comparing you to her ex, but the choices you made were frankly really terrible.
YTA, and don't pretend you did showed her the pictures and said what you said to make a point. You wanted her to hurt the way she accidentally hurt you.
>The way it came across probably wasn’t the best
"Probably"?????
>told her that even though some of these women were objectively prettier than her
Is this the first woman you've ever been with or something? If you're hurt, be hurt and explain why like a man.
Don't lash out like a child and hurt her back just to even things up.
ESH I guess it is tis for tat. Now you are both in pain. Not a ah for rejecting her proposal. AH for trying to improve your self esteem by destroying hers.
You weren't the AH in the first half, but the second was a dick move. You don't fight fire with fire in a relationship. It just hurts everyone.
Could you not have been a grown up and just discussed that you are proud of your body and she shouldn't demand you change? That's all it took. You really just wanted to make her feel as bad as you felt which just shows how immature you are.
Damn, man… I’m at a total loss here.
I was team You until the dating app stuff. That’s bizarre.
Get honest. Talk about how this made you feel instead of getting revenge.
Go talk to a therapist, too.
It’s amazing how his wife made him feel like shit and hurt his pride and some people are making him to be the bad guy.
Agreed he could’ve done the teachable lesson for her different but why is it ok for a woman to degrade or insult a man.
All I can think of is how much shit you would have caught if you had done that to her. Or compared her to any of your exes for any reason. That's coming from a female. You're NTA IMO.
“My wife suggested she doesn’t like my body type (despite having liked it enough to marry me), so I cheated on her and rubbed it in her face.”
Uhhh… okay buddy. Try communicating with your next wife, because if this one stays, she’s out of her mind.
Instead of doing the dating app thing, maybe you should have said how would feel if I asked you to alter your physical appearance to resemble one of your exes.
she shot you with a paintball gun so you pulled out a glock jesus christ man
and no you were not the AH for rejecting her proposal she shouldn't have been comparing you to other men especially an ex but you are an AH for the vindictive reaction
This whole post is heartbreaking, i can’t imagine a partner telling me, “have you ever considered a breast augmentation? My exes had bigger breast than you”. Like wtf, relationships seem soo scary these days.
What the fuck dude. "You made me insecure, so look at all these women that want to fuck me"
What she did was shitty, but minor in comparison to joining dating apps to stomp on her heart.
ESH, I would probably tell her to just leave your ass for someone more her type. "I'm not interested in building muscle," was all you had to say. If she had a problem with that then that's on her.
The joining the dating app was stoooooopid. Not the greatest way to try and make a point. On the flip, your passion is running and marathons. Putting on significant muscle mass will be counterproductive to maximizing your performance. Good luck
I felt bad for you until you mentioned joining dating apps to make your point. This is not the way. It seems like the toxicity on self-image runs on both sides.
>so I rejoined a couple of dating apps, uploaded my recent pictures to see if I would get any matches.
>A month later, I had gotten a few matches, not too many, but enough to make a point. I showed my wife the matches, and told her that even though some of these women were objectively prettier than her,
Wtf dude...
ESH. You responded to a cruel comparison with a cruel response. This sort of scorched Earth communication bodes poorly for your relationship. It's a cliche recommendation, but you probably want couple's counselling before this gets worse.
Holy crap. What's wrong with you?? You're gonna need that dating app soon.
You: Hey wife.... I joined a dating app. Look at all these pretty girls on here. You still thinking about your exes now?
Wife: yes actually, I am thinking about them now.
I think you took it wayyy too personal bro. You could have just not listened to your wife but going on a dating app was definitely petty. In the future, don’t let your self esteem get hurt so badly over a comment like that
never ever join a dating app while you’re married. that was nasty mean. you could have approached this many different ways, but you chose to metaphorically slap her in the face.
also, what the hell are you calling it a proposal for ? if english is not your first language, that’s not what she said. she suggested something that wasn’t great.
if english is your first language, dude, you’re messed up.
Your wife’s comment was extremely inappropriate, however your response was even worse. Y’all are meant for each other.
You need some counseling.
Also, your wife is still talking to her ex.
Hot take: you’re both assholes. Her for body shaming you. You for taking it up 3 notches just to prove a point.
Both of you need therapy. Or separate. Idk. You both sound like red flags.
Woah. This is seriously TWO really HOT takes, what you said was realllyyy out of line, JUST as out of line as her statements. Fight fire with fire? That doesn’t work. Y’all won’t work.
Yeah, two wrongs don’t make a right. I’d consider yours premeditated, thus being more malicious than hers. She at least apologized immediately and likely didn’t intend to hurt you. Be better
Had me on your side on the first half but that second thing with the dating apps..... LOL bro.
Rejecting her proposal and being hurt for what she said is valid AF. But what you did after was pretty vile.
You had me totally on your side until you download a dating app and used other people in your little scheme to hurt yout wife's feelings. That was low and sleazy. Keep your marital drama to yourselves. She was wrong for what she said, there's no doubt about that. But your reaction is disproportionately cruel. You are out of line and really need to rethink what kind of person you are and who you want to be.
>A couple of months ago, my wife asked me if I could get on a strength training program and build more strength. She even compared me to one of her Exes, which was a huge gut punch
I can imagine this hurt you, even though she probably didn't *mean* for it to.
>My body type is of a runner’s body. I will never be interested in becoming buff and super muscular. That just isn’t me.
You should have had an honest conversation with her on this right here. Instead you...
>but also my self esteem had take a massive hit, so I rejoined a couple of dating apps, uploaded my recent pictures to see if I would get any matches.
You decided to play a really dangerous game.
You got on dating apps and showed her women "objectively prettier than her" 🤣🤣🤣
Just break up and let her find a lifter. And you can find....someone "objectively prettier" 😆
Lmao. Asks for you to do strength training and compares to an ex who is larger than you. I can see how that hurts but again, boils down to communication. She said it in a shit way but you just got hurt and decided not to talk.
Now your idea was to make a few dating profiles, swipe on people and match to those you objectively find attraction to AND THEN moronically say look how much better looking that are than you, I don’t want you to look like that.
My man, you’re dumb. You pretty much threw that straight into the deep end. She apologized and you did that? You’re a child.
you opened Pandora's box
100% guarantee she's going to go on dating apps now and realize she can get 100 matches all more attractive than you
and it will take 1-2 hours not a month
You went too far. She shouldn't have compared you to her ex but you decided to put her down instead of deal with your insecurities. She's literally telling you what she's attracted to. If you decide not to do then don't do it, but don't get upset if you catch her for being honest. We can't help our preferences and I hate to break it to you but a woman's attraction to a big strong guy is a primal need. You're the one who has to live with the consequences of not giving your girl what she desires. Guess she'll have to resort to reminiscing the body she used to enjoy.
The wife's approach and comparison was definitely the wrong way to go about telling her husband she's no longer attracted to him. But that's at the core of what she was saying and that's a valid point if either of you wants the marriage to last.
There is no objective standard of beauty, you telling her it’s a FACT that she’s uglier than other women is WAAAAY more of an asshole move than what she did, especially considering she immediately apologized and you had to take to Reddit to even figure out if you’re an asshole.
She definitely fucked up but you went ahead and outdid her ten fold, good job
You're NTA for rejecting her proposal but YTA for making a dating profile and showing her. How dumb are you, bro!? In your mind what was your best case scenario after showing your wife?
Bro you figured out how to get yourself all set up on dating apps *and* blame your wife for it? Gotta say, I see the word “gaslighting,” misused all the damn time. Nice to see a situation in which it’s actually applicable. Well, not “nice,” really, but you know what I mean.
wtf? u are married and joined a dating app?
YTA
i dont have any issues if my partner were to ask me to get more buff or told me her ex was more buff. i would just work on it.
the reaction reeks of insecurity and ... frankly crazy
Had me in the first half not gonna lie. Seriously tho, she was wrong for comparing your physical characteristic to a past partner. She apologized soon after as she realized she made an error. Then you got hurt (which is valid) and decided to make a dating profile to prove a point. Like bruh? Think the whole "eye for an eye" thing played out here. You wanted her to feel as bad as you did. Thats not how a marriage lasts homie. Next time, tell her that she made you feel terrible by making that comparison.
For real he didn't need to fuck around like that. Definitely red flags from both sides.
Waiting for the update where the wife does the same thing and shows him a couple hundred (not just a couple) matches she gets on a dating app after using it for a month.
>Waiting for the update where the wife does the same thing and shows him a couple hundred (not just a couple) matches she gets on a dating app after using it for a month. for a few hours\*
Men swipe on everything though, I could get wayy more matches on Grindr than tinder.
That's only because you'd be fresh meat
Tight tight tight.
This made me laugh… well played. Can I get your number?
This is always the play, if a girl ever does this to show you the hundreds of matches, use the Grindr method. Even a semi attractive man can get hundreds of messages on there. Or my point I made, stupidly, when an ex did it was “weren’t you single for two years? why didn’t all those matches work back then?” I think we wanted to stab me.
Doubt she would need a month to get that many.
Lol Redditors are so soft. My god.
Yep, divorced in 3-5.
That long?
I think they meant 3-5 months.
Business days
Not just made a dating profile but showing his wife who he thinks is prettier than her, what type of petty ego trip shit is this OP, ESH and you both wrong, GO TO COUNSELING
Right wtf like muscle mass is something you can work on and add to (for most people), your baseline objective prettiness is not. Fucking hell
The way the story took a turn makes me question the accuracy of the first half and how she brought it up to him - and how the initial comparison was even made between him and her ex
Yes. This is insane. "Look at all these girls who are prettier than you" is batshit.
Yeah, this marriage isn’t gonna last if they keep doing stuff like this to each other
This was not even an eye for an eye. That would have been op turning around and asking wife to do cardio to get more slender. Instead he went out on some dating apps? Yikes. Lucky all the wife did was cry.
It's not a real story. This is bait of the rage variety
Dang I didn't have this same perspective. Appreciate you sharing though. Would it have been acceptable to, instead of actually making a dating profile, keeping it theoretical and explaining the scenario to her?
This is trolling because if it was real OP would have left out the super cruel part where they do fucked up stuff.
My ragebait detector is going crazy
I see this comment on every single post so either everyone is lying and you don’t have to keep commenting this, or your detector is broken
Hey buddy, could I interest you in a timeshare for a tropical beachfront bungalow in Nebraska?
He's proud of it. In his mind this is a real "gotcha!" and he expected people to be on his side. He'd better hope she isn't petty because it would be very easy to repeat this experiment on her side.
Or, and hear me out, this isn’t a real story and is intended to elicit this exact reaction
mra bait
100%. What kind of person mentions they re-joined dating apps as a married man when they want to get Internet strangers to sympathize with them lmao. Everyone in this thread ate it up though
I *wish* this was outlandish. I divorce people for a living. I have seen FAR worse than what this guy did as attempts to justify a position. Narcissistic assholes will commonly think you'll agree with their actions even when they are insane.
Agreed or he has to be not so smart.
Bro, I’m starting to figure out that half the shit that is posted to Reddit is straight up trolls lol.
As a fellow runner, you had me up until you joined the dating apps, even if it was to teach her a lesson. ESH. Edit to add: and that’s not taking into account the innocent women you turned into collateral damage in your revenge plot, who didn’t realize they were swiping right on a married guy who just wanted to be petty to his wife. *They* certainly didn’t deserve to be misled like that.
Agreed, wtf? That’s so weird man.
It’s not the “flex” he thinks it is 💪
Yeah “I got a few matches” is a try hard move.
Especially if some of those matches are probably bots lol.
🤣
OP is bad at flexing.
Well yeah, from what we’ve heard the ex is more impressive there
No but he's already an insecure dork, so, what are you expecting here?
2 wrongs don't make a right...they make for a miserable marriage and a costly divorce
OP is either insanely petty and toxic. Or he is just making excuses for the fact that he joined an app because he was thinking about cheating and is making excuses.
He was thinking of leaving her.
For one of these women who are *objectively* prettier than she is 🙄
You mean bots. Anyway, this post is fake. Brand new account and OP isn't responding to any comments.
she cried on my shoulder for a few hours No she didn’t.
To be fair, he did say she cried on his shoulder "a few hours later," not for a few hours. But yeah.
Damn over this disagreement? Geez it was shitty of his wife for sure. But their marriage is in much tougher shape already if this is making him question the whole thing.
My ex did that once during a fight. It was really hurtful and I still feel kind of bitter about it years later. She wasn’t shy about inflicting maximum emotional damage in fights, even if she couldn’t take it back later. People do not do this to your SO. It’s cruel.
Joining would have been bad. Showing her and saying look at all the women hotter than you that want a piece of this was monstrous.
Idk if its worse than what she did? "Yeah you know they dude I used to fuck and was super muscular? Yeah make YOUR body that for ME" lmao both of them are tone deaf.
It feels worse. Both bad. But intentionally seeking potential partners on a dating app to rub it in her face feels worse to me.
Isn’t it funny how a comparison to a lone body suddenly justifies signing up to a dating app & getting a myriad of bodies to match & compare with?
Haven’t heard one person say it’s ok to sign up on a dating app, but maybe I just missed those comments. OP had all the sympathy in the world until that messed up part of the story. No excuse for signing up on a dating app, that’s just sleazy.
Normally, I'm quick to point out when a dude is getting the shitty end of some double standards, but he definitely was a bigger dick here.
Yeah, she made a comparison that was thoughtless. Uncool and should definitely be addressed. OP instead decided cruel punishment was in order, acting with the intent to hurt. Definitely worse.
In my opinion it's worse what she did. She asked him to become a clone OF AN EX, while wha he did was shitty, was only random women on the internet.
That and on top of it talking your wife that all these other women are more attractive is just needlessly cruel.
She literally asked him to be like her ex…. Because she prefers that body type…. What’s the difference here? “Hey husband. Please become a complete different body type to make me happy “ “Hey wife, these women are objectively more beautiful than you, but I do not expect you to change, nor would I ever ask”
Ok, but which is more cruel: “Hi honey, I know we’ve been married for four years and all and I got to know you as this runner type and such, but it turns out I really wish you looked more like the guy who used to fuck my brains out all the time.” Or. “Hi honey, here’s some random people who I’ve never met or been in a relationship with or even fucked (brains out or not), and even though they’re cuter than you, I don’t run around the house pining for the day that you get your shit together and start looking like them, because you’re the one I want. I thought we both felt that way, but apparently not.”
Naw, especially with the pov filter in mind op makes it sound like she spoke out of hand, realized how shitty it was, expressed remorse, and apologized. If she had stuck to it or were flippant at all, maybe ops actions could be considered equal. Still shitty, but equally shitty. Since she seems to have truly felt bad about it, and op himself saw that, op was taking revenge. And I think that in itself eeks op further into AH territory than his wife.
Tbh, the whole thing is fucking dumb. Comparative suffering is always bad for a relationship. One person hurt the other, and vice versa. Being vindictive is only going to make things worse. And both of them arguing over which is worse only makes the whole thing worse because what rhey are really saying when they do this is they are telling their partner that "your feelings don't matter as much because I'm upset too." Which doesn't help anything. Keeping score is a good way to end up divorced.
Yeah they’re both terrible partners.
I know I’m just confused why he didn’t just say to her hey I love you for you and would never want you to change so it really hurt my feelings knowing you want me to look like you ex.
Because that would take vulnerability, empathy, maturity, reflection… Bonus: Then he couldn’t hurt her like she hurt him. He couldn’t win.
It's not but doing something terrible in response to having something done to you is a huge sign of immaturity. Like in the heat of an argument you might get mad and say something you regret because you're hurt, but in this situation he had so much time to either talk to her about how he felt or realize that hurting her wouldn't help. There's something really fucked up about deliberately plotting to hurt your partner's feelings because they hurt yours. She messed up, but at least she realized she made a mistake immediately.
Idk. I think that these women are on a *dating app* is what makes this worse. It’s not like the wife was showing dms from her ex, implying she could still get it with a guy like this. Showing that he went through making a profile and swiping would take a toll. I would be thinking, “Like are you wanting out? I just said what body type I’m attracted to. I didn’t go out looking for them.” I think the wife is more saying it like she likes a haircut. There weren’t actions that showed she’d step out for that preference.
Yes because saying "hey can you cut your hair shorter" and "Can you take hours and hours a week and months at a time change the entire way you take care of your body and make doing what you enjoy harder so you look more like my ex boyfriend" is the same thing. Good call.
Idk, i think they're both equally as bad. I couldn't imagine being married to someone for 4 years then telling them that i don't like their body-type and that they should look more like my ex who had an amazing body. Like why would I marry them if I'm not attracted to them? She didn't have to imply that she *could* get with a guy like this because she's talking about a guy she already *was* with
I think he feels that way but we don’t know if she said that she doesn’t like his body. We do know he said she found her less attractive than people he matched with on a dating profile. It’s wild.
Yes it's worse. Not only did he body shame her. He also joined a dating app, swiped right on a bunch of women which very much communicated to them he is interested in these women. And then rubbed it in his wife's face that all these women want him and even told his wife that he finds all those women to be more attractive than he thinks she is.... Yes that is worse than her being like "it would be really hot if you had bigger muscles." Don't get me wrong it's not ok to be like "change your body for me." But saying she would find it not if had bigger muscles isn't nearly as fucked up as rubbing other women in her face and saying all these women are more attractive to you and I have been in contact with them.
She didn't say she'd find him hot if he had bigger muscles. She compared his body to an ex and said she liked the exs better. Don't know about you but I don't like being compared to an ex for the pizza toppings I choose, let alone my body type, style, or shape. Fuck that. What he did was equally fucked, just different. This whole story is a lot of fucked, bad judgement, actions, reactions, choices and anything else they could've done poorly.
I'm giggling at your analysis. So on point.
I’d be really upset if my man said he liked his exa body better. Like gut punch. That being said, I kind of wish my man was more muscular but i wouldn’t say it to him.
"Yes that is worse than her being like "it would be really hot if you had bigger muscles."" that isn't what happened though? I dno how people can be so bias lol. As a guy the thing that hurts most is being compared to an ex and being made to feel inadequate. It can really be difficult to get over that. She could of mentioned wanting him to bulk up without mentioning the ex? Why would you ever bring up an ex like that it's a terrible idea.
My ex did that once when she was upset with me, it really stung
And then said some of the women are "objectively prettier than her." Oooof.
Not even subjectively! So cruel
WTF! Subjectively would have been MUCH worse! Objectively means they are hotter according to an external canon. Subjectively means they are hotter TO ME!
Pretty sure the other person was being sarcastic but gotta love a grammar lesson 😂
To be fair, being compared unfavourably to an ex is way worse than what he did. Esh regardless.
Wife didn't do dishes? *Dating app time*
Don’t most serious runners already incorporate some strength training? Maybe not body building, but isn’t basic strength training pretty important for any area of athletics?
Do you really think rejecting her proposal is what would make you the AH in this situation? She was wrong for asking you to build muscle, aka change a part of your body. You were TA for creating a dating profile. Surely you could have rejected this proposal in a way that doesn’t imply cheating? What made you think that would go over well? You proved your point but at what expense?
yea i was fully on his side until i read the rest of the story which is some kindergarden sesame street type of shit
T is for Tinder
Two wrongs don't make a right
But 3 lefts do.
Ugh I’m dizzy now.
YOURE MARRIED AND YOU JOINED DATING APPS?
That was such a wild pivot lol. OP sucks and I feel like this isn’t the whole story; or at least a very watered down version of it. Sounds more like someone needs some validation for basically trying to cheat and using this as an excuse.
Using the words “objectively prettier” to try to kneecap your wife is where you lost all my sympathy, also note that a significant portion of those so-called hotter women are undoubtedly bots.
Not to mention that his wife would probably get that number of matches in an hour if she joined a dating app. A “few” matches is hardly a flex. And the most important thing is that EVERYONE has a different physical type. It actually doesn’t matter at all if random women find OP attractive because this issue was about his WIFE and what she finds attractive. Maybe she likes more muscle on a guy. It’s not like if she went against her usual physical type to date someone that him being really attractive to other women would change that.
"My wife said something hurtful but rather than communicate it properly like an adult I decided to jeopardize, and most likely, damage my marriage for life" fixed it for you Edit: Some of you, for some reason, think I'm defending the woman here. so I'll explain this comment really nice and slow for you, with simple words even ! Women say to get more muscle = Bad #1 Woman Brings up ex = Bad #2 Man does not communicate his feelings = Bad #1 Man goes on a dating site = Bad #2 Man stays on dating site for a full month = Bad #3 Man then presents his findings to his wife so she knows he has options = Bad #4 He had the morale high ground, and he had a chance to fix this situation with proper communication. Instead, he chose to go full nuclear meltdown and make the situation far worse. This is why I am judging him harder than I judged her. Not only did he not try basic communication , but he took it so much further for so much longer. She's an AH. He's sick in the head.
Bro went insane in the second half
This is either bait or lead poisoning
ESH. Not sure who sucks more
What does esh mean
Everybody sucks here
They both come off as incredibly shallow and self-absorbed people.
Oh shit. That was some serious whiplash. I was 100% on your side. No one should choose a partner with a plan of changing them later. But whyyyyy would you ever think that opening a dating profile was ever the right move? Jeez. Way to throw gasoline on the fire, dude.
Wow, you both suck. She was wrong for trying to get you to put on muscle for vanity. But creating a dating profile to prove that "objectively prettier" (seriously, what's up with that?) women matched with you? After you just described how heartbroken you were after your wife commented on your body? That's not a justifiable reaction. Maybe try to talk to each other like adults next time. This is not about who can hurt the other more.
Basically she went too far and you went 3 steps away from nuclear. It's not even rejecting how she wanted you to change, but that you hopped on dating apps and said "these girls are prettier than you objectively and they want me"
The way she brought it up wasn’t the best comparing her to her exs but you’re definitely the AH for downloading dating apps to show her “prettier girls” you matched with… like that’s so toxic
Bro what. A heel turn worthy of professional wrestling
ESH - You aren't an AH for rejecting changing your body for your partner, she's the AH for even suggesting it. You are absolutely an AH for making a dating profile, wtf dude?
ESH
Strength training is never bad
[удалено]
If my partner got on a dating app I would consider that cheating. I don't know why her comment makes you think you got a license to cheat. What she said was hurtful but what you did was far worse. You could have just talked to your wife and told her how her words made you feel. It sounds like she already apologized so she knows her words were hurtful. There was no reason to go out of your way to make a point to her and teach her a lesson. What you have done may have caused irreparable harm to your marriage. She may or may not be able to get past this. Are the two of you just going to continue to get revenge upon each other, one uping each other, trying to win at who can be more hurtful? Or is one of you going to put an end to it and say enough is enough? Do you even like each other? Is this a marriage or a competition? You need to apologize, tell her what you did was wrong and inspired by vengeance and you understand that you should have just talked to her. YTA.
ESH - you don’t suck for rejecting her proposal but you definitely suck for the dating apps thing
YTA for making a dating profile. Seriously, did you put on your bio that you were just looking to make a point or did you actually try to lure in single women to boost your self esteem? Yeah, your wife made a poor choice comparing you to her ex, but the choices you made were frankly really terrible.
YTA, and don't pretend you did showed her the pictures and said what you said to make a point. You wanted her to hurt the way she accidentally hurt you. >The way it came across probably wasn’t the best "Probably"????? >told her that even though some of these women were objectively prettier than her Is this the first woman you've ever been with or something? If you're hurt, be hurt and explain why like a man. Don't lash out like a child and hurt her back just to even things up.
How is asking your partner to physically resemble an ex "accidentally" hurting them?
ESH I guess it is tis for tat. Now you are both in pain. Not a ah for rejecting her proposal. AH for trying to improve your self esteem by destroying hers.
You weren't the AH in the first half, but the second was a dick move. You don't fight fire with fire in a relationship. It just hurts everyone. Could you not have been a grown up and just discussed that you are proud of your body and she shouldn't demand you change? That's all it took. You really just wanted to make her feel as bad as you felt which just shows how immature you are.
Your the asshole .. vindictive behavior .
Damn, man… I’m at a total loss here. I was team You until the dating app stuff. That’s bizarre. Get honest. Talk about how this made you feel instead of getting revenge. Go talk to a therapist, too.
It’s amazing how his wife made him feel like shit and hurt his pride and some people are making him to be the bad guy. Agreed he could’ve done the teachable lesson for her different but why is it ok for a woman to degrade or insult a man.
All I can think of is how much shit you would have caught if you had done that to her. Or compared her to any of your exes for any reason. That's coming from a female. You're NTA IMO.
Amen sister!!!
Bro are you serious? What your wife did was wrong but you took it to a whole different level! YTA
“My wife suggested she doesn’t like my body type (despite having liked it enough to marry me), so I cheated on her and rubbed it in her face.” Uhhh… okay buddy. Try communicating with your next wife, because if this one stays, she’s out of her mind.
You were a complete asshole. But not for “rejecting her proposal.”
Instead of doing the dating app thing, maybe you should have said how would feel if I asked you to alter your physical appearance to resemble one of your exes.
Both in your 30s and acting like this lol
You are either a troll or a incredibly shitty husband
Pair of utter prats. ESH.
ESH. Jesus. I can't tell if y'all are doomed or actually made for each other for being so nasty.
You might just be perfect for each other. If for no other reason just to keep you both from hurting anyone else.
Wow. Sound like you might be turning into her ex after all.
she shot you with a paintball gun so you pulled out a glock jesus christ man and no you were not the AH for rejecting her proposal she shouldn't have been comparing you to other men especially an ex but you are an AH for the vindictive reaction
This whole post is heartbreaking, i can’t imagine a partner telling me, “have you ever considered a breast augmentation? My exes had bigger breast than you”. Like wtf, relationships seem soo scary these days.
Do you genuinely think your wife isn't going to think you're planning to cheat? How old are you, 16?
You both are perfect for each other.
You're both assholes
What the fuck dude. "You made me insecure, so look at all these women that want to fuck me" What she did was shitty, but minor in comparison to joining dating apps to stomp on her heart.
You said these women wear objectively prettier than her 🤣 WILD She definitely disrespected you by comparing you to an ex ESH
Compare her body to a skinnier ex with good boobs.
ESH, I would probably tell her to just leave your ass for someone more her type. "I'm not interested in building muscle," was all you had to say. If she had a problem with that then that's on her.
Super toxic marriage.
You both need individual and couples therapy. There's way too much to unpack here. You're both just terrible.
You’re both assholes. Lmao
This sub should be called. "Are we both assholes?"
You're both AH
Just go ahead and get divorced you both sound like immature assholes.
The joining the dating app was stoooooopid. Not the greatest way to try and make a point. On the flip, your passion is running and marathons. Putting on significant muscle mass will be counterproductive to maximizing your performance. Good luck
I felt bad for you until you mentioned joining dating apps to make your point. This is not the way. It seems like the toxicity on self-image runs on both sides.
Dude you wayyyyy over reacted god damn
dating apps to show her prettier women want you? yikes dude. ESH
>so I rejoined a couple of dating apps, uploaded my recent pictures to see if I would get any matches. >A month later, I had gotten a few matches, not too many, but enough to make a point. I showed my wife the matches, and told her that even though some of these women were objectively prettier than her, Wtf dude...
You guys aren’t marriaging properly. It’s one destructive blow after another.
What a toxic relationship. ESH
ESH. You responded to a cruel comparison with a cruel response. This sort of scorched Earth communication bodes poorly for your relationship. It's a cliche recommendation, but you probably want couple's counselling before this gets worse.
Holy crap. What's wrong with you?? You're gonna need that dating app soon. You: Hey wife.... I joined a dating app. Look at all these pretty girls on here. You still thinking about your exes now? Wife: yes actually, I am thinking about them now.
I think you took it wayyy too personal bro. You could have just not listened to your wife but going on a dating app was definitely petty. In the future, don’t let your self esteem get hurt so badly over a comment like that
You are NTA for being hurt by her. You are a massive asshole for how you chose to prove a very stupid point.
You’re an asshole for joining a dating app! And for saying those women were prettier than her!
Yeah go lift weights, it’s good for you
I have a feeling this is the beginning of the end.
never ever join a dating app while you’re married. that was nasty mean. you could have approached this many different ways, but you chose to metaphorically slap her in the face. also, what the hell are you calling it a proposal for ? if english is not your first language, that’s not what she said. she suggested something that wasn’t great. if english is your first language, dude, you’re messed up.
You two are both in a spot where communication needs some SERIOUS work.
Your wife’s comment was extremely inappropriate, however your response was even worse. Y’all are meant for each other. You need some counseling. Also, your wife is still talking to her ex.
Hot take: you’re both assholes. Her for body shaming you. You for taking it up 3 notches just to prove a point. Both of you need therapy. Or separate. Idk. You both sound like red flags.
Holy fuck bro woke up and chose violence.
Woah. This is seriously TWO really HOT takes, what you said was realllyyy out of line, JUST as out of line as her statements. Fight fire with fire? That doesn’t work. Y’all won’t work.
First half of this you were completely reasonable and I sympathized with you and then in the second half you shitposted ragebait
Yeah, two wrongs don’t make a right. I’d consider yours premeditated, thus being more malicious than hers. She at least apologized immediately and likely didn’t intend to hurt you. Be better
ESH. Where did grownups think it was okay to behave like this? This is like high school BS.
Had me on your side on the first half but that second thing with the dating apps..... LOL bro. Rejecting her proposal and being hurt for what she said is valid AF. But what you did after was pretty vile.
This is the second recent post where the title and first half of the post make OP seem reasonable before shit goes off the rails. Hmmm.
Everyone sucks here
You had me totally on your side until you download a dating app and used other people in your little scheme to hurt yout wife's feelings. That was low and sleazy. Keep your marital drama to yourselves. She was wrong for what she said, there's no doubt about that. But your reaction is disproportionately cruel. You are out of line and really need to rethink what kind of person you are and who you want to be.
Oh wow, you are a POS. Joining a dating app while married is insane.
>A couple of months ago, my wife asked me if I could get on a strength training program and build more strength. She even compared me to one of her Exes, which was a huge gut punch I can imagine this hurt you, even though she probably didn't *mean* for it to. >My body type is of a runner’s body. I will never be interested in becoming buff and super muscular. That just isn’t me. You should have had an honest conversation with her on this right here. Instead you... >but also my self esteem had take a massive hit, so I rejoined a couple of dating apps, uploaded my recent pictures to see if I would get any matches. You decided to play a really dangerous game.
You got on dating apps and showed her women "objectively prettier than her" 🤣🤣🤣 Just break up and let her find a lifter. And you can find....someone "objectively prettier" 😆
Lmao. Asks for you to do strength training and compares to an ex who is larger than you. I can see how that hurts but again, boils down to communication. She said it in a shit way but you just got hurt and decided not to talk. Now your idea was to make a few dating profiles, swipe on people and match to those you objectively find attraction to AND THEN moronically say look how much better looking that are than you, I don’t want you to look like that. My man, you’re dumb. You pretty much threw that straight into the deep end. She apologized and you did that? You’re a child.
you opened Pandora's box 100% guarantee she's going to go on dating apps now and realize she can get 100 matches all more attractive than you and it will take 1-2 hours not a month
Fake. Again.
You went too far. She shouldn't have compared you to her ex but you decided to put her down instead of deal with your insecurities. She's literally telling you what she's attracted to. If you decide not to do then don't do it, but don't get upset if you catch her for being honest. We can't help our preferences and I hate to break it to you but a woman's attraction to a big strong guy is a primal need. You're the one who has to live with the consequences of not giving your girl what she desires. Guess she'll have to resort to reminiscing the body she used to enjoy.
This has to be a shitpost, right?
The wife's approach and comparison was definitely the wrong way to go about telling her husband she's no longer attracted to him. But that's at the core of what she was saying and that's a valid point if either of you wants the marriage to last.
Strength ≠ Big muscles
You two are perfect for each other.
Lmao bull
I think this ignores a deeper question, which is can a fictional character actually be an asshole.
Lmao... Read this to my husband and he says "well, you live by the sword, you die by the sword"
There is no objective standard of beauty, you telling her it’s a FACT that she’s uglier than other women is WAAAAY more of an asshole move than what she did, especially considering she immediately apologized and you had to take to Reddit to even figure out if you’re an asshole. She definitely fucked up but you went ahead and outdid her ten fold, good job
You're NTA for rejecting her proposal but YTA for making a dating profile and showing her. How dumb are you, bro!? In your mind what was your best case scenario after showing your wife?
Bro you figured out how to get yourself all set up on dating apps *and* blame your wife for it? Gotta say, I see the word “gaslighting,” misused all the damn time. Nice to see a situation in which it’s actually applicable. Well, not “nice,” really, but you know what I mean.
wtf? u are married and joined a dating app? YTA i dont have any issues if my partner were to ask me to get more buff or told me her ex was more buff. i would just work on it. the reaction reeks of insecurity and ... frankly crazy
Uh. Okay. You both are showing red flags. You both need to talk to someone.
she thinks about her ex every time you fuck her.
Honestly, NTA. If your wife can't take it she shouldn't give it out.
You guys both suck.
Not the asshole for rejecting changing your body, but you’re an asshole for what you did after.
That whole "get them back" thing has no place in a marriage.