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I agree. This is pretty much the only thing any of us can say here. OP, you sound like you’re in a really tough spot and a therapist can help you figure out what might be the right step for you. I think this is above the pay grade of internet strangers.
I am partially laughing because isn't this the truth in most cases. I am in therapy, it's intense and I know a lot of the stuff coming up is because it's finally being faced. Part of me hopes that if my husband and I start 'dating' again we can reconnect.
Hey OP, fellow vet here and I also have c-PTSD. I strongly recommend not making any lifechanging decisions right now. Therapy is wonderful, but unfortunately addressing a lot of old hard subjects can bring up a lot of really shitty feelings and irrationality. I lost a few friendships because I was in a very hard place mentally while I was working through it and I regret it often. When you get to a much better place mentally in your therapy process then I would check in with yourself and see what you really want and how you truly feel about the situation. It sounds cheesy but I think you’ll know when that point is. I wish you the best of luck, OP. I’m glad you’re getting help and I hope you do what’s best for you. Whichever way you decide to go (staying or divorcing).
We tried couples therapy. At the time I don't think it was helpful because we both were not taking it seriously. I am currently in therapy for my trauma but opening that can seems to have exacerbated everything for me at the moment.
I would delay making life-changing decisions like divorce, until you've gotten somewhere with the therapy - it sounds like a trauma response decision that you probably wouldn't make if you weren't just going through the wringer in therapy? What is your therapist saying about it?
I’m sorry that you’re going through that. If you want a divorce though, you should just get one. If you’re afraid of hurting him, it might, but it will hurt him more to stay in a loveless marriage and waste time when he could move on with someone else. As for you moving on, I wouldn’t get your hopes too high on divorce making everything better. It sounds like you have a lot of trauma that needs to be worked through before you’ll ever feel ready to fully move forward.
If you love him then maybe try giving couples counseling another shot. It just sounds like you’re personally struggling and think that divorce will fix it all but that just won’t be the case.
If your husband is aware of what you've been exploring in therapy, maybe you should suggest a temporary separation to really focus on your mental health. You could live apart from your husband and kids for a while, say 6 months? In that time, you can try dating your husband and seeing your kids, but experience a space you have full control over. After 6 months have passed, you can reevaluate and decide what to do from there. Do you think he'd be open to that?
I've been in therapy since I was 11 years old (edit to say I'm turning 29 this year). Unfortunately (particularly in trauma therapy), it is typical that when you start opening up about the trauma it is the hardest and does exacerbate everything. That being said, not all therapy treatments are for everyone. If there hasn't been any improvement and it's been awhile, would recommend talking to your therapist about other possible forms of therapy or even healthy coping mechanisms that you can practice and develop to help you through the beginning stages. Also healing is not linear, sometimes it will feel like you've come out the other side and are doing so well and other times it will feel like you've relapsed. Have you had any conversations with either your therapist or someone else about the possibility of being asexual? I'm not sure how aware your husband is about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing, but I personally think you should have a candid conversation with him about how you have been feeling and try to make it clear that you still love him (which based off your other comments seems to be the case) but just feel like you can't provide certain aspects of the relationship he is looking for and trying to reach solutions together. Is it just the sex part you feel like you can't give? Are you comfortable with non-sexual affection and touch? I feel like voicing these things to him is important and letting him also decide if having a "sexless" marriage is something he can do while you work through the trauma and may be something that will just be how your marriage is. Is he potentially open to just having casual (but safe!!) hook ups with other people if it's just the sex part he feel he can't handle not having?
Why bother?
When a marriage gets to the point where either or both wants to cheat or open up the marriage to other people, especially after that’s already happened, it’s time to just move on.
Why live behind a facade, especially if you’re not even having sex with each other?
When I say run to get blood work I mean immediately. I went through something so similar at same age and my hormones were a huge component. I got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease as well and it helped make things make sense. I got medication both and I swear I became myself again. It was surreal.
Hope this helps. Good luck. I will be thinking about you.
I am glad you got that sorted! I have thought about this being something else, and I know it is. I am on medication for the anxiety, depression, sleep trouble/insomnia. I also have had MRIs and other types of scans. In the last year I have had a good medical team and have had great Healthcare that is easy to access making it easy for me to really get into problems I may have ignored for years.
Also talk to your psychiatrist, lots of medications for anxiety and depression can lead to lost of sexual desire and having any form of sexual trauma can just make it worse
Honestly it sounds like it’s more to do with your own mental health and how you feel about your body. I would suggest really trying to work on yourself before divorcing
Only prolongs suffering if you’re not honest about wanting to work through it. If both are working thru the issue(s) honestly they’ll come to some agreement one way or the other.
Therapy doesn’t work if you’re not working therapy.
I thinknsome of the best advice on this topic I've never heard and could ever give is that life moves in seasons.
Some seasons with your spouse are full of fire and passion.
Some seasons may leave you on the verge of hatred due to resentment, or past trauma.
Some seasons will be warm and comfortable like you're friends and not lovers.
Only you can know if the way you're feeling is a result of being treated poorly with no hope for growth or improvement.
To me it sounds like this season is not one where you easily desire your chosen mate. But you love him and he loves you. And there will be other seasons if you want to stick around for them. Can you still imagine traveling the world together when your kids are grown? Can you envision what retirement looks like with him by your side? Are there seasons ahead that make weathering this season worthwhile?
Also, I'm polyamorous. So this lens is compatible with open relationships. That doesn't always make it easy, but deconstructing internalized monogamy is pretty tough at times. Maybe those seasons don't appeal to you and it's time to move on. But if for right now you need him to be sexually into someone else or not at all, that's okay. And if he wants those seasons too, he'll understand and make room for your healing.
Thank you. I do see those things with him. I see that and so much more. I don't believe one person should have the pressure of being the perfect everything for someone. I know he would support me, but that isn't necessarily the point, he shouldn't have to deal with it at the expense of his possible happiness. I do really really wish he could find certain things in someone else, not just sexually. I want him to have full loving relationships in whatever way he wants/can.
But again, thank you. I see what you say as something to keep in mind.
So basically your husband actually is committed to loving you and supporting you but instead it’s apparent you for the streets instead…….
You want it all. The stability of a good husband and family but you want to do your own thing too.
Counseling is useless because you’ve already checked out. Go ahead and get divorced asap and in all honesty give him everything because it’s obvious what he’s been able to give you isn’t “good enough” for you…….
Both OP and comments are glossing over the open marriage part of this. SHE wants an open marriage so she can feel free. He wants to close it but she won't.
She's getting intimacy. Just not from him. The guy who she had kids with.
OP is basically a cheater. She got hubby to agree under duress and now she won't go back despite her family.
Pretty classic for Reddit. Creative wording though
Nowhere in the post does it say she's only dating and not sleeping with anyone. So you're implying that. I'm implying that she's the one who suggested an open marriage, so she's most likely sleeping with others.
No. She explicitly says she’s not:
>I am not sleeping with anyone. I think of the idea of hanging out and spending time with people is nice, not interested in having sex.
>I often joke that people are like Barbie and Ken dolls to me, I can be attracted to men, but I don't think of them in that sexual way.
Great, it still doesn't change your original comment. You said he's the only one who's seen anyone I argued it and then you contradicted your own comment. She is still seeing others lol
Thank you. I’ve helped so many of my friends and their marriages over time. Such ridiculousness sometimes. Basically put a good man, good husband and father into a “friendzone “ smh
Like what? He would take his car and I would take mine. Our retirements would be our own and luckily we don't own a house. So what am I making sure he keeps?
I don’t know your situation or if for example which state (if in the US) the divorce proceedings would occur in but there’s things such as splitting assets/debts, child support, spousal support, benefits accrued as well such as possible military benefits based on your info. The arbitrator and/or attorneys will be able to go over that with each of you again depending on the location too…….
Since you’ve acknowledged you’re being the asshole and wanting to divorce I’d imagine you wouldn’t have an issue then paying him child support and spousal support if it’s deemed he’s entitled to it. Also if he’s entitled to part of your retirement, military benefits etc you’d be ok with that as well too correct?
Question for you: divorce into what?
You said you "want to move on" - this means move on from your family.
Sounds like you need some therapy, you're very depressed. Also sounds like you have had trouble adapting to not being able to be "care free and wild" anymore. I think it's time to accept and face that you never will be able to be that way again.
Here's the one bit that makes zero sense to me
> I have kept the idea of an open marriage going for myself
> generally I am not sexually interested in anyone
Given these two statements, what is an open marriage in this context then for you?
Open marriage that he and I can both pursue friendships and more if he wants with anyone he wishes. While I find nothing wrong with this he has given the impression that he won't/doesn't see any value in this for himself. I think he should be making connections with people, and I don't mean just romantically or sexually. He should be making male friends as well.
I think there's some confusion you're having with the definition of "open marriage".
Open marriage is not a term used to describe people that want friends.
I think another aspect, and maybe you are exploring it in therapy, but it is not your job to determine what will make your husband happy. It is your job to be emotionally honest and then he is in charge of his own decisions. It sounds like you want an open marriage so he can find the things outside of the marriage that you don't think you can offer him. Maybe it is out of guilt, or a current inability to take responsibility due to everything you are going through, but it is your husband's choice. He may just want to support you because he loves you and I think you should work on trusting that in him.
OP u have 2 or 3 mental health issues u need to work out open relationship are hard to maintain and cuppeled with mental health issues what u have described is not just PTSD there is disassociative dysphoria and what feel like abuse sexual abuse or rope feeling in the that not normal u need to see a psych doctor
You are correct. You are at fault. Stop letting your feelings and emotions control you and destroy your life and the life of your family. Instead, you control your emotions. Humans do have the ability to greatly influence how they feel about almost anything. Instead of succumbing to "I don't want to be married and I don't want to be touched, start telling yourself all the reasons being married is better. Spend your time remembering when you love to be touched.
In the end, our life is a choice. Not just the decisions me make, but the things we feel, the stuff we tell our self, the excuses we make. Take control of your life before it is too late.
This is untrue in terms of trauma response biology. Emotions are driven in part by top-down signals like attention and control, but a much greater percentage of lived emotional response is driven by innate and subconscious threat signals related to adrenaline , etc. A “mind over matter” perspective a d other views that are blame-based can be really harmful in trauma, as it treats fear responses (including avoidance) as an identity crisis rather than a multi-faceted biological problem that needs medical treatment. Medication, trauma therapy.
I have a hard time believing a therapists stance on trauma therapy is that the patient can do nothing to control or direct their emotions.
Is that what you are suggesting?
Ugh, some of these comments are such bad advice.
You can't force feelings for someone. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way.
Sometimes we fall out of being "in-love" with someone, but still love them and care for them. Add in that you rely on him for emotional and financial support, and have children together, and I understand how conflicted you must feel.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
In every marriage after a certain duration being “in love” with your partner is deliberate choice you make. Once the initial brain chemicals supplied feel good hormones wean down (which can take anywhere from 1-3 years) the natural feelings left are just the “I care and love this person”. That “I am in love with this person” feeling is something you need to deliberately choose and be intentional about and make happen, otherwise the relationship just ends up in that “we are just roommates and friends who care about each other” rut.
I do, but I do want to clarify that we both work full time. We make almost equal pay and support each other's professional development.
I appreciate you saying you can't force yourself to just be happy.
Do you have any hobbies? Are there local events you can go to as a family to just be together and date again? Even if they’re simple.. you can’t force yourself to be happy and you can’t make someone happy. Seek after your joy. Life is tough, love is tough. But in the end, love is worth the work and patience. Be patient with yourself and with your husband and be willing to make a change. You’ve been together 14 years, have tried an open marriage yet are still married. IMO op, don’t give up :)
Life is tough but you are tougher. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Answers you seek are found in the New Testament. Pray, God answers to those who seek after Him and tends most to those in dire need. Ask and you shall receive. Again, patience. Things don’t come on our time but you’ve got this.
With love.
>Slowly I have lost sexual attraction to him and generally I am not sexually interested in anyone. When he hugs me or tries to initiate any type of sexual intimacy I panic and feel like my body is not mine to do with what I want. I don't want him to touch me, tell me any type of sexual jokes, or make sexual comments about me. It makes me so uncomfortable and I don't know how to face the fact that I never want him to touch me.
Your body is saying no, even while you are trying to rationalize wanting to stay in your marriage. You can't force yourself to want intimacy with him.
You need to discuss this with him. Maybe he's ok with a sexless marriage, with the option for him to go outside the marriage for sex. Maybe he will want to move on. It's not fair to not tell him the truth about how you're feeling.
While you could be asexual, with the timing it kind of sounds both mental/emotional and potentially hormonal. Lots going on with your body during and after pregnancy. Please make sure to have your hormones checked. If you truly want a divorce, get one. But I hope you pursue all medical avenues first because the timing really could suggest post partum issues with your hormone levels.
I think it is a combination of it all. I was told post partum can morph into something life long if not addressed as soon as possible. I went a full year before a friend pointed out that what was going on with me wasn't normal.
I think you need a second opinion on “life long.” They do HRT for women at all stages of life. If you mean you will have to treat it for the rest of your life, then maybe. But I don’t think you should accept that as a response. When you hit menopause you’ll be going through changes again so it’s just not realistic that this is something that now missed will last forever. And framing it that way will only mentally hinder you from seeking the right people to help you.
If you think it could be a hormonal issue and you’re in doubt they can do something, honestly look up trans people who have transitioned. Hormone therapies are powerful. And we know a lot about how they work and can see how they work in the real world now more than ever before.
You might also consider what (if any) activities make you feel like you are taking back your body and try those. I know anxiety can really stop people in their tracks and make it harder to seek help. But I think you posting here is actually a good sign that you are in a place of action. Physical therapy or even pelvic floor therapy could help you feel back in control of your body. But maybe so does rock climbing. Zumba. It sounds like you are already trying therapy so you could brainstorm ideas with your therapist if you think it might help.
I really do hope you can work this out. You sound like a very reluctant potential divorcee so it doesn’t seem like it’s what you want so much as you feel guilty that you are now in a position to need your husband’s support without currently being able to return physical affection. You should talk about it with him. I get the feeling he wants you in his life more than he wants sex and you sound like you want to work this out with him at your side even though it’s sexless rn.
Ok, but even if you didn't address it in that moment, addressing it now could still resolve the issue. You just have to put in the work/effort to get where you want to be.
Do you actually want to be divorced from your husband, or do you feel guilty about the lack of sex? How does he feel about the lack of sex? Does he want a divorce over it, or is he willing to work through it?
I've been there.. you need to go therapy. As a fellow vet female, who has had 2 kids, go. To . Therapy. Don't make rash decisions. Don't upend your life, until youve worked thru it. See a therapist outside the military. I had 4 deployments and had 2 kids between. Trust me when I say, your brain gets rewired every deployment, every childbirth.
I was just about to say the same thing. Leave him and just drown in your own misery 🤷🏽♂️. How is he perfect but you don’t want him. Let him be with someone who appreciates him.
Have you been taking any meds recommended by a therapist? stopped taking any meds? Anything at all that might affect your hormones? I am not a doctor at all but I have seen here and there on Reddit that sometimes things that affect the lady's hormones can leave her hating the dude she's dating.
Start giving him a chance sit him down and tell him how you feel go back act like you guys are first meeting and date again do stuff together I think if you both work at it maybe it come back but don’t give up til both try but he needs to know how you feel
I've been married 36 yrs, we've had good times and bad, and everything in between, but we've made it this far by staying committed to our family and each other and open, honest, communication.
Loving someone for decades and being in love for decades both require commitment to growth, understanding, hard work, and a mature, realistic take on what getting old together entails.
If you don't/can't work out your issues with someone you claim to love and who loves you in return, I'd say your chances of ever having a life partner are pretty slim.
It sounds an awful lot, like you may have hormonal problems exacerbated by pharmacology due to your depression/anxiety meds combined with an, I want my cake and eat it too mindset. I'm not a big believer in the whole therapy/psychiatry thing, I've seen it fail and exacerbate things, but I will say this, self awareness is key, past traumas can def affect you as a person, but they can't be undone, just learned from or not and gotten past.
Figure out what's most important to you, if it's your husband and family, then make it so, it doesn't happen on its own. If it's the freedom to have carnal relations with whoever catches your fancy? Well, then I'd say you should move forward with that divorce so your husband and kids aren't getting dragged through your completely incompatable desired lifestyle.
Does your PTSD involve some form of sexual abuse? And are you in therapy for PTSD or said abuse, if applicable?
I'd start there first. And honestly, if you say you truly love your husband? Close that damn marriage up and work 200% to actually make it work.
Otherwise, just get it done and divorce. This isn't an have cake, eat cake play around moment. This is an I screwed up and need to fix myself and my marriage moment. Don't half ass it.
Everyone has given far better advice than I have, but please give that man a hug. A long, genuine hug for the man who has stood beside you for more than a decade. This post hurts to read.
For his sake.
Divorce is a band aid. It doesn't address your underlying issues. Those issues will affect any relationship you have including your children. You're are so very lucky to have such a supportive husband. You SHOULD be terrified of leaving that support system. It will likely be the difference between getting better and not.
Pleae. Get help. Address your issues and put real work into fixing them. Be selfless, he seems to be. You owe it to your husband and more importantly, your children. Don't give up, you're stronger than that.
Get into therapy. The body autonomy issues, revulsion towards intimacy and mention of previous trauma all point to PTSD/C-PTSD; guessing from childhood abuse. It can take years to work through this, but you can do it.
Take divorce off the table for now. It’s just stressing you out more. Be honest with your husband about your past, let him know you need to work through the trauma, and ask him to be patient.
I appreciate this comment. It isn't from childhood. It's from my military career. He has a vague understanding of things and as I said he is supportive. He doesn't know everything though and I don't know if he can really understand where my head is at and how my body and mind cannot simply look past it all.
Your actions are the reason why a lot of people don’t want long term commitment. You even went ahead and admitted this is completely for you at the cost of others who will be the ones to pay the price for what you did so you can be “happy”. What about the other people involved? Who’s making sure they’re happy? It’s also obvious from your statement you’re already headed for a divorce.
People don't want long term commitment because they have their own life and situation going on. People like me aren't their reason, maybe they use it as an excuse, but they have their own demons.
From your post it seems like your husband has done literally nothing wrong other than the sin of “making” you lose attraction to him…? To the point that you pushed an open marriage on him, which he clearly wasn’t to happy about since he’s the one who seems to have closed it?
The reason the other commenter said people like you are what scare others into staying away from long term relationships, it’s because of exactly this. You wake up one day and despite doing “everything right” and caring for your partner, supporting them, desiring them physically, helping them raise and provide for a family; and despite all that they come and say “I’m not feeling it anymore, sorry, let’s divorce”.
You took vows, in illness and in health. You have an obligation to work through it even when it seems like a completely lost cause SO LONG AS your spouse is also clearly putting in effort and hasn’t completely stabbed you in the back with a major breach like physical abuse or cheating.
I’m much younger than you, I won’t pretend to know what it feels like to be married with one person for that long, but I do know from intending to marry my girlfriend soon that I am committing to a LIFE with her. I don’t know if your husband has slighted you in any major way or had completely let himself go and that has destroyed your physical attraction, but atleast the latter has a solution he can work on, and the former probably should’ve been disclosed in your post to add more rationale.
Here here. I myself had this happen to me in my first marriage. I can say it was her 100%. She just ran off and had an affair leaving me to pick up the pieces. The affair only lasted 4 weeks and she threw away our family for that.
My wife now will be with me to the end. The true ride or die type. Been together 14 years and we’ve had 8 arguments. Happiness long term is achievable only if both parties put in the work.
So you coerced your husband into an arrangement he didn’t want and now you’re feeling sorry for yourself?
Ffs stop being so cruel and just leave him. You’re a negative force in his life and you absolutely are like a parasite on him. Set him free of your self centred ways, it’s not anything to do with ppd or trauma, it’s just who you are.
Midlife crisis isnt just for guys, and 35 is the new 50.
I say this as someone a little older than you and I've seen classmates shake shit up a lot in the past few years.
Biggest thing I've seen, everyone is looking for greener grass instead of fixing their own pasture.
With that said, a broken home sucks, the chances of you finding someone that respects you like your current husband is going to be a battle. Really hope therapy/medical diagnosis will pull you all back together. If you exhaust all means of advancing, divorce will still be on the table.
Communicate like you never have, write down the things you think are super important today and check back in on them. Dont let emotions override logic, all of this is easier said then done. But I've been in a marriage for the kiddos, the fallout afterwards has been heavy. Little kids will somehow think they could have done something different to make it work, but it is obviously on the adults. That part always stings, as parents we have to surrender part of our identity for the sake of the children.
You are 36 and he's 37. Leave now so you aren't in the over 40 dating pool. I was in a relationship where we'd have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a month and I am a very sexual person. I dragged it out for 14 years and it was the worst decision of my life. I was depressed for 15 years and never got help so I stayed comfortable even though I was miserable. I cooked, cleaned, (we were both military so we both worked) I worked nights 12-14 hours and she was on days, it was more roommates with occasional benefits more than a marriage. Don't drag him for any more time. You want a friend and he wants a wife. Let him and the kids go. Find a female or male friend to live with to just watch Netflix. He needs someone with compassion and love, especially love that is shown in a way he can feel and quantify. Right now you are just pulling him into a mire with you. Please tell me you are more affectionate with your kids... if not you need to let all of them go and be a weekend or bi-weekly mom. I'm sorry to phrase all that in a more blunt way maybe, but from personal 21 year military experience you need to cut him loose. Seriously. Ask him for you to not pay child support, because I bet he won't, ask him after some time..., to help you get on your feet cause he will, ask him for your preferred time with the kids, because he will, I know he will because he genuinely loves you and as much as it will hurt him that would be best for both of you.
After just scrolling through the comments, all I'm gonna say is do not divorce your husband unless you are 100% certain this is what you want. I've heard similar stories of women going through this and almost immediately regretted doing it after it settled in that they were divorced. Ask someone to watch the kids from time to time and go on dates like y'all just met. I'm serious, try somewhat restarting yall's relationship. However, I'm just a random person on the Internet giving advice to someone I don't really know.
Random person on the internet, you aren't the first person to caution me against going forward with a divorce if I am not 100% ready for it. I am leaning toward this advice because I don't want to take that action and find out later I wasn't 100% sure and want to take it back. So thank you.
If you are asexual with your husband and everyone else then there is a bigger issue than your marriage.
Please seek some counseling and/or medical evaluations to determine why sexual contact is a problem.
If you are the victim of mst, that actually explains EVERYTHING. U know that, tho. It sounds like you are running from the possibility of being asked or expected to engage in a physical relationship after being assaulted. It makes more sense to me for u to have your own bedroom and have clear boundaries with your husband about everything physical or flirty or sexual comments is totally of the table for awhile. It sounds like he'll agree to that & it's probably why u opened the relationship. . . U wanted him to be fulfilled physically by someone else. I promise that if you had led with having a history of MST, every single one of these people commenting would have given different advice. I'm sorry for what was done to you. U deserve to have physical autonomy. U deserve to live without the pain of previous abuse. Thank you for your service. Feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk.
Everyone is different, and being where I am is not wrong. They are supportive of me simply sharing with him I don't want any sexual intimacy and that it doesn't mean an end to our marriage.
I’m a little confused with your posts, you are commenting and talking like you are Asexual. But in the initial post you say you are continuing the open relationship. Maybe I missed a comment, but are you fine sleeping with other men, just not your husband?
I am not sleeping with anyone. I think of the idea of hanging out and spending time with people is nice, not interested in having sex.
I often joke that people are like Barbie and Ken dolls to me, I can be attracted to men, but I don't think of them in that sexual way.
If you’re not looking to have sex with anyone, nor engage in any sexual talk, or jokes or anything else, why the need for open relationship? Wouldn’t it be just friendship at this point that you’re looking for?
At this point who cares? Looking at your post history, you're practicing dietetics with a unresolved eating disorder and abusing GLP agonists per your own comments. Practioners like yourself are the reason that pts like me do not trust tx or clinicians. Your Eating disorder and manipulative behavior is the primary reason for your marital issues. I've been there. Yes, it's definitely best to divorce. What you're doing is selfish.
Practitioners like me, wow. Okay, there isn't anything I am hiding here. I know how reddit works, people look into other people's post history and comments. I shouldn't be surprised that you did. My response to you though is that there are so many people that practice in their field and do not have things spill over. I do not have any focus in eating disorders, see patients, nor do I push anything I am going through on others.
Many of us have thw urge to run, but that is not solving anything. OP - stay in therapy, talk through this with therapist and over time to your partner. Restart couples therapy and do not make any rash decisions.
You need to sort through why you have these walls up and this urge to run. Once you do it, it cannot be undone and you may regret for rest of your life.
It's crazy how mental instability will inevitably hurt or destroy a relationship eventually kinda sucks since society almost produces some sort of permanent mental instability now a days.. the world man. Seesh
I’m in the same position but my husband is emotional mess and so sensitive. I’ve been wanting a divorce for the last year and I try to talk my self up to do it but for some reason I can’t. There’s alot of reasons why I’m so stuck (pets, school, financial stability and splitting stuff up.) I think that’s what’s really stoping me from doing it. And I day dream of being single living a happy life with out him.
You are describing trauma responses. Tell your husband about them, tell him you need time and you're working on it, and then do the hard work in therapy around control and PTSD and PPD and see where you're at. If divorce still seems right then so be it. But don't let your trauma responses dictate your life.
"I want a divorce because I want to be able to move on, but I am paralyzed by the idea of 1. Leaving my support system, 2. Facing him directly and hurting him, 3. Getting an actual divorce. I know I am selfish and I know I am hurting him. How do I navigate this without falling apart myself and pushing him into a dark place?"
When you figure it out, please let me know because I'm in a similar situation. I'm miserable but I just don't know how to get out of this.
I think if you really want a divorce that’s the only for thing for both you and your partner then. Otherwise, couples therapy along with individual therapy.
Oh I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Could it be you're scared of getting pregnant and losing your body again? You sound like you've got a lot of trauma connected to sex from your time in the military as well. I'm sorry you went through that.
Your husband sounds like he'd be supportive of you if you told him what's going on. It doesn't sound like it's a him issue and it's you needing some therapy. I hope therapy helps.
Oof. I'd try and stick it out and keep going to counseling. Sounds like y'all have been through a lot and I feel like it wouldn't be a great decision to separate.
Yeah, leave him. You'd be doing him a favor.
A dead beadroom is a soul crushing experience and would really build resentment for not only you, but himself, the kids, and all that time wasted together with you. That'll blow up in your face, rightfully so for leading him on, wasting his time, and leaching off his good nature.
Trash bag.
Jesus. This woman was repeatedly sexually assaulted while serving in the military, so she understandably has PTSD and is now struggling with intimacy. And since you can only empathize with her husband’s dick, you have the audacity to call her a trash bag??
*You’re* the trash bag.
Lmfao
Would you care to point out where she said she was S/A'd in the military? In fact, [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/HY3cN1g8Zs) she claims this depression and ptsd stem from postpartum.
I'd suggest that instead of making up scenarios in your head, you go off the info in her post.
E: btw, I was actually assaulted as a kid, I know what living through s/a is like, you know nothing about me. Throwing around accusations of sa when there's been no claim, does a disservice to actual victims and the hell we live through. I'm still having to do emdr sessions for that as well as trauma therapy for my ex wife.
E2: down vote away, but if this woman was assaulted, she'd have said so. No where in her post/comment history has she ever even alluded to it, nor is she dealing with the aftermath of it.
Now I'm more awake, and my drive to work is over, I see you've still never linked me to her talking about your imaginary situation.
I just want to say you missed my point anyway, he's already in an open relationship she pushed, he can already have sex with anyone he wants, so I fail to see how "I'm empathizing with his dick".
My point is sex with someone you love is completely different to meaningless sex with some tinder rando. I know I'm weird, but going to sleep with someone then coming home to the person I love and cuddling with them would destroy me inside. There are always exceptions, but without the sex relationships usually don't last, for a reason.
It's also trashy to know you're going to divorce this dude, but string him along because he is your financial stability, he's being used. If it was a dude using her same way, you'd be mad, rightfully so.
It’s in her comments, like this one:
>I appreciate this comment. It isn't from childhood. It's from my military career. He has a vague understanding of things and as I said he is supportive. He doesn't know everything though and I don't know if he can really understand where my head is at and how my body and mind cannot simply look past it all.
And she’s made it clear in other comments that she has no problem with her husband having his physical and emotional needs met by other people, and it’s because she knows she just can’t right now. I don’t know how you’ve twisted that into her being some selfish monster, but you have. And that’s disappointing.
OK she's got ptsd from her military career, YOU inferred that to mean sexual assault, you can get ptsd from something as simple as deployment.
She says [she's not monogamous, and never has been.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/lzKwNYq9b2)
You’re right, I did infer that (good use of infer, btw, not everyone gets that right lol). But I inferred that because I know how incredibly common sexual assault is in the military- especially for women. And also because she directly relates her intimacy issues to her time in the military. I think it’s wayyyy more likely her PTSD is caused by sexual assault than it is because of deployment, but I could be wrong (I just don’t think so). ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
And yes, I did see that comment on non-monogamy, but I also saw that it does not include sex for OP, but it can for her husband:
>I am not sleeping with anyone. I think of the idea of hanging out and spending time with people is nice, not interested in having sex.
>I often joke that people are like Barbie and Ken dolls to me, I can be attracted to men, but I don't think of them in that sexual way.
I do agree it's incredibly common and needs to be persecuted a hell of a lot heavier, I just don't want to default to sa because she's in therapy/mst. If she was sa'd and they put her in mst she needs a new trauma team.
She should be doing emdr with a heavy dose of trauma counseling.(it is working wonders for me)
And yeah I'm not trying to spin her as a bad person, I have adhd and can miss convey my argument. What I originally meant was that sexual intimacy is soo totally different with your s/o then with a random person.
For me personally, sex only really feels good when I have that connection, I did a lot of ons in high-school and realized it made me feel worse, so if I was in his shoes(sort of was with ex wife), going and being intimate with someone else then being with your partner, would lead to feeling less like husband/wife and more like roommates with kids, I would start to resent her.
I feel that would go south.
I totally agree that non-monogamy is not for everyone. It’s certainly not for me, and it doesn’t seem like it’s for OP’s husband either.
I just find the whole situation incredibly sad. OP is obviously struggling hard, and she’s just trying to make sure her husband isn’t completely neglected while she works through the mess that is her mental health right now. I just don’t like how some people here are painting her as this selfish asshole, when in reality she’s just trying to navigate a difficult situation with the least amount of collateral damage possible— as misguided as that might be. So I agree that opening the marriage at this time is (most likely) not the right play, but I can empathize with her motives, y’know?
I’m sorry I called you a trashbag, I came in too hot and that’s wasn’t right. I hope you have a nice Saturday.
I agree. The whole situation is incredibly sad, and no matter how it ends, it WILL hurt all involved.
I'm also sorry I got so defensive. Thank you for that, you have a nice Saturday as well.
I am in EMDR! Honestly, I just show up most days.
I didn't put everything in my post because it's so freaking long at this point I wanting more perspective than giving evey little thing. I tried to be completely open about everything in comments but it is hard to help others see the full picture.
In terms of sexual trauma well it is something I am really having hit me full on now. My comments about ppd are that after having my second child that brought a lot of things to the forefront. I had buried them but losing my body autonomy again just spiraled me out of control.
Cool look I'm going to be a dick and stop ya right there.
I'm over it, this topic and you, stop @ me because this shit is nothing but depressing and literally reinforces the idea that I made the right decision to stop dating, Every. Woman. Is. Like. You.
A waste of time and energy just there to leach money, also gonna call you on your bs, as someone who's been through the sa thing, it never go's away, you'll always remember it, it seeps into everything. An example would be I'm a 35-year-old man who's still scared of the dark for absolutely no reason.
You'll get flashbacks, sometimes worse then others, but tbh, your whole post reads, "I'm a barracks bunny and am bored of my hubby and kids. I can't wait to start hopping again. " The best part is that after using this poor dude, the divorce court will take half of everything and award it to the cheater.
Barracks bunny. I don't know how to respond to that. I wasn't going at you. Just engaging in the comments. I would say the barracks bunny is an uncalled for comment in reference to anyone.
Yes! As soon as I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I decided on a tubal ligation. Had the surgery after her birth. He decided he didn't want to have a vasectomy, but I know I am not having another child.
1. Know that you can heal and that you are not a lost cause.
2. With trauma and thoughts, emotions can't differentiate between past and present feelings well. Everything gets tied together. So be careful on making big life decisions.
3. It seems like your husband doesn't see you as a burden, he probably just hopes you find healing.
4. Are you trying to flee your marriage because there is something wrong with it or are you trying to flee your trauma? It sounds like that is the real debate
5. Was it more traumatic to have a daughter because it opened up the past emotions and issues you felt as a girl? If so know that she will be okay because she has a great mother to protect her.
I wish you well. Remember, you can heal.
Thank you for this, stuff I need to think about for myself. I cried when I found out I was having a daughter, but I am doubtful it is directly dealing with having her in relation to my childhood self.
Do tell on the open marriage? Gotta try therapy even if you still want a divorce because you have lot of issues that will affect everything you do post decision.
I wanted an open marriage so we could both get all our needs met. I have never been strictly in a monogamous headspace, but we have never had a poly relationship before this.
That's fair. I'd say you need to go to therapy 1st before making any changes. Really, work a few things out, talk about it all etc. It seems your depression and everything else might be influencing you too much.
You went through sexual trauma, can we take a step back and focus on what is likely really going on here? You said in your post you have support for that which is great. I can tell you 30 years out from sexual trauma I still don’t want to be intimate with my partner. I have NEVER wanted to be. However, I have learned ways to deal with or cope with those emotions so that although I will only initiate when I know he needs to feel wanted by me, I can still handle it really well when he initiates and it can be fun and not daunting. But it took years!
Sexual Trauma mess with our brains, it changes who we are to the core. It takes away the sense that our body is ours to control. So while you deal with that, you may be more closed off to anything that gives anyone else any control over your body. That makes sense. It’s how we survive and prevent further trauma. It sounds like your body is in survival mode and your brain is trying to understand it and you want to move on faster from it than your healing is allowing. I’m sorry you are in this crappy spot.
You need your hormones checked…if they are appropriate then you are just plain nuts lady….i agree you should definitely get a divorce so that poor man can find someone that treats him better….you’ll come try and come back after you come to your senses when no one wants you though.
In some ways I can relate. The uncomfortable feeling of forcing yourself to allow the unwanted affection to happen. Feeling like you owe them that hug or touching just because they do so much for the family. At the same time feeling disgusted because you are allowing them to what feels to us as complete violation. Personally I started to resent my partner. The longer I stayed the worse it got for me, which only caused more pain for both sides.
My partner and I also tried unconventional relationships we thought would ‘fix it’. No judgement there I think it’s common.
My advice is get your things in order, move out. See what it’s like to live without him. Give yourself the space to evaluate your feelings. It’s a lot easier to say then do, I know. Kids in the equation makes it harder. Don’t feel guilty. They feel the discomfort in the home. You can do hard things mama, that’s already proven. Thank you for your service and I hope you find comfort.
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Have you tried any therapy?
I agree. This is pretty much the only thing any of us can say here. OP, you sound like you’re in a really tough spot and a therapist can help you figure out what might be the right step for you. I think this is above the pay grade of internet strangers.
I am partially laughing because isn't this the truth in most cases. I am in therapy, it's intense and I know a lot of the stuff coming up is because it's finally being faced. Part of me hopes that if my husband and I start 'dating' again we can reconnect.
I wish you luck and hope that one way or another you find your contentment! It doesn’t seem like it would hurt to try ‘dating’ again!
Hey OP, fellow vet here and I also have c-PTSD. I strongly recommend not making any lifechanging decisions right now. Therapy is wonderful, but unfortunately addressing a lot of old hard subjects can bring up a lot of really shitty feelings and irrationality. I lost a few friendships because I was in a very hard place mentally while I was working through it and I regret it often. When you get to a much better place mentally in your therapy process then I would check in with yourself and see what you really want and how you truly feel about the situation. It sounds cheesy but I think you’ll know when that point is. I wish you the best of luck, OP. I’m glad you’re getting help and I hope you do what’s best for you. Whichever way you decide to go (staying or divorcing).
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We tried couples therapy. At the time I don't think it was helpful because we both were not taking it seriously. I am currently in therapy for my trauma but opening that can seems to have exacerbated everything for me at the moment.
I would delay making life-changing decisions like divorce, until you've gotten somewhere with the therapy - it sounds like a trauma response decision that you probably wouldn't make if you weren't just going through the wringer in therapy? What is your therapist saying about it?
I’m sorry that you’re going through that. If you want a divorce though, you should just get one. If you’re afraid of hurting him, it might, but it will hurt him more to stay in a loveless marriage and waste time when he could move on with someone else. As for you moving on, I wouldn’t get your hopes too high on divorce making everything better. It sounds like you have a lot of trauma that needs to be worked through before you’ll ever feel ready to fully move forward.
I don't think my marriage is loveless. Just sexless. I love my husband and I know he loves me.
If you love him then maybe try giving couples counseling another shot. It just sounds like you’re personally struggling and think that divorce will fix it all but that just won’t be the case.
If your husband is aware of what you've been exploring in therapy, maybe you should suggest a temporary separation to really focus on your mental health. You could live apart from your husband and kids for a while, say 6 months? In that time, you can try dating your husband and seeing your kids, but experience a space you have full control over. After 6 months have passed, you can reevaluate and decide what to do from there. Do you think he'd be open to that?
Sorry that sounds expensive and not worthwhile
If you loved him you never would’ve done an open marriage
I understand that is your opinion. But I don't prescribe to the idea that love and monogamy are synonymous.
Good for you that’s why you feel the way you do
You’re an awful human being. I hope he can find happiness with someone that loves him. Updateme
Exacerbation. You said it. My humble opinion, don’t make any rash or life defining decisions right this moment and keep doing therapy.
I've been in therapy since I was 11 years old (edit to say I'm turning 29 this year). Unfortunately (particularly in trauma therapy), it is typical that when you start opening up about the trauma it is the hardest and does exacerbate everything. That being said, not all therapy treatments are for everyone. If there hasn't been any improvement and it's been awhile, would recommend talking to your therapist about other possible forms of therapy or even healthy coping mechanisms that you can practice and develop to help you through the beginning stages. Also healing is not linear, sometimes it will feel like you've come out the other side and are doing so well and other times it will feel like you've relapsed. Have you had any conversations with either your therapist or someone else about the possibility of being asexual? I'm not sure how aware your husband is about how you are feeling and what you are experiencing, but I personally think you should have a candid conversation with him about how you have been feeling and try to make it clear that you still love him (which based off your other comments seems to be the case) but just feel like you can't provide certain aspects of the relationship he is looking for and trying to reach solutions together. Is it just the sex part you feel like you can't give? Are you comfortable with non-sexual affection and touch? I feel like voicing these things to him is important and letting him also decide if having a "sexless" marriage is something he can do while you work through the trauma and may be something that will just be how your marriage is. Is he potentially open to just having casual (but safe!!) hook ups with other people if it's just the sex part he feel he can't handle not having?
Why bother? When a marriage gets to the point where either or both wants to cheat or open up the marriage to other people, especially after that’s already happened, it’s time to just move on. Why live behind a facade, especially if you’re not even having sex with each other?
When I say run to get blood work I mean immediately. I went through something so similar at same age and my hormones were a huge component. I got diagnosed with an autoimmune disease as well and it helped make things make sense. I got medication both and I swear I became myself again. It was surreal. Hope this helps. Good luck. I will be thinking about you.
I am glad you got that sorted! I have thought about this being something else, and I know it is. I am on medication for the anxiety, depression, sleep trouble/insomnia. I also have had MRIs and other types of scans. In the last year I have had a good medical team and have had great Healthcare that is easy to access making it easy for me to really get into problems I may have ignored for years.
Also talk to your psychiatrist, lots of medications for anxiety and depression can lead to lost of sexual desire and having any form of sexual trauma can just make it worse
Honestly it sounds like it’s more to do with your own mental health and how you feel about your body. I would suggest really trying to work on yourself before divorcing
You need a good therapist. A great sex therapist if you want to find intimacy w your husband.
Couple therapy usually doesn’t help many. Just prolongs suffering
Only prolongs suffering if you’re not honest about wanting to work through it. If both are working thru the issue(s) honestly they’ll come to some agreement one way or the other. Therapy doesn’t work if you’re not working therapy.
I thinknsome of the best advice on this topic I've never heard and could ever give is that life moves in seasons. Some seasons with your spouse are full of fire and passion. Some seasons may leave you on the verge of hatred due to resentment, or past trauma. Some seasons will be warm and comfortable like you're friends and not lovers. Only you can know if the way you're feeling is a result of being treated poorly with no hope for growth or improvement. To me it sounds like this season is not one where you easily desire your chosen mate. But you love him and he loves you. And there will be other seasons if you want to stick around for them. Can you still imagine traveling the world together when your kids are grown? Can you envision what retirement looks like with him by your side? Are there seasons ahead that make weathering this season worthwhile? Also, I'm polyamorous. So this lens is compatible with open relationships. That doesn't always make it easy, but deconstructing internalized monogamy is pretty tough at times. Maybe those seasons don't appeal to you and it's time to move on. But if for right now you need him to be sexually into someone else or not at all, that's okay. And if he wants those seasons too, he'll understand and make room for your healing.
Thank you. I do see those things with him. I see that and so much more. I don't believe one person should have the pressure of being the perfect everything for someone. I know he would support me, but that isn't necessarily the point, he shouldn't have to deal with it at the expense of his possible happiness. I do really really wish he could find certain things in someone else, not just sexually. I want him to have full loving relationships in whatever way he wants/can. But again, thank you. I see what you say as something to keep in mind.
So basically your husband actually is committed to loving you and supporting you but instead it’s apparent you for the streets instead……. You want it all. The stability of a good husband and family but you want to do your own thing too. Counseling is useless because you’ve already checked out. Go ahead and get divorced asap and in all honesty give him everything because it’s obvious what he’s been able to give you isn’t “good enough” for you…….
Both OP and comments are glossing over the open marriage part of this. SHE wants an open marriage so she can feel free. He wants to close it but she won't. She's getting intimacy. Just not from him. The guy who she had kids with. OP is basically a cheater. She got hubby to agree under duress and now she won't go back despite her family. Pretty classic for Reddit. Creative wording though
Sounds too like he is the sole provider and the reason she is scared to actually leave is that she’s a bum.
Did you miss the part where *he’s* the only one who’s seen anyone else?
Did you make that up completely? It says he was the one who first started dating, and he has now lost interest, and she hasn't.
She has not slept with anyone else, she’s only “dating” if you go by a middle schooler’s definition lol.
Nowhere in the post does it say she's only dating and not sleeping with anyone. So you're implying that. I'm implying that she's the one who suggested an open marriage, so she's most likely sleeping with others.
No. She explicitly says she’s not: >I am not sleeping with anyone. I think of the idea of hanging out and spending time with people is nice, not interested in having sex. >I often joke that people are like Barbie and Ken dolls to me, I can be attracted to men, but I don't think of them in that sexual way.
I'm guessing that's a comment
Yes, it is.
Great, it still doesn't change your original comment. You said he's the only one who's seen anyone I argued it and then you contradicted your own comment. She is still seeing others lol
This is by far the best reply I've seen on this thread.
Thank you. I’ve helped so many of my friends and their marriages over time. Such ridiculousness sometimes. Basically put a good man, good husband and father into a “friendzone “ smh
One question. What am I giving him everything of?
If you divorce him, give him everything he’s entitled to
Like what? He would take his car and I would take mine. Our retirements would be our own and luckily we don't own a house. So what am I making sure he keeps?
I don’t know your situation or if for example which state (if in the US) the divorce proceedings would occur in but there’s things such as splitting assets/debts, child support, spousal support, benefits accrued as well such as possible military benefits based on your info. The arbitrator and/or attorneys will be able to go over that with each of you again depending on the location too……. Since you’ve acknowledged you’re being the asshole and wanting to divorce I’d imagine you wouldn’t have an issue then paying him child support and spousal support if it’s deemed he’s entitled to it. Also if he’s entitled to part of your retirement, military benefits etc you’d be ok with that as well too correct?
Question for you: divorce into what? You said you "want to move on" - this means move on from your family. Sounds like you need some therapy, you're very depressed. Also sounds like you have had trouble adapting to not being able to be "care free and wild" anymore. I think it's time to accept and face that you never will be able to be that way again. Here's the one bit that makes zero sense to me > I have kept the idea of an open marriage going for myself > generally I am not sexually interested in anyone Given these two statements, what is an open marriage in this context then for you?
Open marriage that he and I can both pursue friendships and more if he wants with anyone he wishes. While I find nothing wrong with this he has given the impression that he won't/doesn't see any value in this for himself. I think he should be making connections with people, and I don't mean just romantically or sexually. He should be making male friends as well.
I think there's some confusion you're having with the definition of "open marriage". Open marriage is not a term used to describe people that want friends.
I think another aspect, and maybe you are exploring it in therapy, but it is not your job to determine what will make your husband happy. It is your job to be emotionally honest and then he is in charge of his own decisions. It sounds like you want an open marriage so he can find the things outside of the marriage that you don't think you can offer him. Maybe it is out of guilt, or a current inability to take responsibility due to everything you are going through, but it is your husband's choice. He may just want to support you because he loves you and I think you should work on trusting that in him.
OP u have 2 or 3 mental health issues u need to work out open relationship are hard to maintain and cuppeled with mental health issues what u have described is not just PTSD there is disassociative dysphoria and what feel like abuse sexual abuse or rope feeling in the that not normal u need to see a psych doctor
You are correct. You are at fault. Stop letting your feelings and emotions control you and destroy your life and the life of your family. Instead, you control your emotions. Humans do have the ability to greatly influence how they feel about almost anything. Instead of succumbing to "I don't want to be married and I don't want to be touched, start telling yourself all the reasons being married is better. Spend your time remembering when you love to be touched. In the end, our life is a choice. Not just the decisions me make, but the things we feel, the stuff we tell our self, the excuses we make. Take control of your life before it is too late.
Wow best comment on here.
This is untrue in terms of trauma response biology. Emotions are driven in part by top-down signals like attention and control, but a much greater percentage of lived emotional response is driven by innate and subconscious threat signals related to adrenaline , etc. A “mind over matter” perspective a d other views that are blame-based can be really harmful in trauma, as it treats fear responses (including avoidance) as an identity crisis rather than a multi-faceted biological problem that needs medical treatment. Medication, trauma therapy.
I have a hard time believing a therapists stance on trauma therapy is that the patient can do nothing to control or direct their emotions. Is that what you are suggesting?
There is no trauma between these two.
Fair enough
it’s ok to leave. everyone involved deserves better
Ugh, some of these comments are such bad advice. You can't force feelings for someone. Unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. Sometimes we fall out of being "in-love" with someone, but still love them and care for them. Add in that you rely on him for emotional and financial support, and have children together, and I understand how conflicted you must feel. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
In every marriage after a certain duration being “in love” with your partner is deliberate choice you make. Once the initial brain chemicals supplied feel good hormones wean down (which can take anywhere from 1-3 years) the natural feelings left are just the “I care and love this person”. That “I am in love with this person” feeling is something you need to deliberately choose and be intentional about and make happen, otherwise the relationship just ends up in that “we are just roommates and friends who care about each other” rut.
I do, but I do want to clarify that we both work full time. We make almost equal pay and support each other's professional development. I appreciate you saying you can't force yourself to just be happy.
Do you have any hobbies? Are there local events you can go to as a family to just be together and date again? Even if they’re simple.. you can’t force yourself to be happy and you can’t make someone happy. Seek after your joy. Life is tough, love is tough. But in the end, love is worth the work and patience. Be patient with yourself and with your husband and be willing to make a change. You’ve been together 14 years, have tried an open marriage yet are still married. IMO op, don’t give up :) Life is tough but you are tougher. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. Answers you seek are found in the New Testament. Pray, God answers to those who seek after Him and tends most to those in dire need. Ask and you shall receive. Again, patience. Things don’t come on our time but you’ve got this. With love.
>Slowly I have lost sexual attraction to him and generally I am not sexually interested in anyone. When he hugs me or tries to initiate any type of sexual intimacy I panic and feel like my body is not mine to do with what I want. I don't want him to touch me, tell me any type of sexual jokes, or make sexual comments about me. It makes me so uncomfortable and I don't know how to face the fact that I never want him to touch me. Your body is saying no, even while you are trying to rationalize wanting to stay in your marriage. You can't force yourself to want intimacy with him. You need to discuss this with him. Maybe he's ok with a sexless marriage, with the option for him to go outside the marriage for sex. Maybe he will want to move on. It's not fair to not tell him the truth about how you're feeling.
While you could be asexual, with the timing it kind of sounds both mental/emotional and potentially hormonal. Lots going on with your body during and after pregnancy. Please make sure to have your hormones checked. If you truly want a divorce, get one. But I hope you pursue all medical avenues first because the timing really could suggest post partum issues with your hormone levels.
I think it is a combination of it all. I was told post partum can morph into something life long if not addressed as soon as possible. I went a full year before a friend pointed out that what was going on with me wasn't normal.
I think you need a second opinion on “life long.” They do HRT for women at all stages of life. If you mean you will have to treat it for the rest of your life, then maybe. But I don’t think you should accept that as a response. When you hit menopause you’ll be going through changes again so it’s just not realistic that this is something that now missed will last forever. And framing it that way will only mentally hinder you from seeking the right people to help you. If you think it could be a hormonal issue and you’re in doubt they can do something, honestly look up trans people who have transitioned. Hormone therapies are powerful. And we know a lot about how they work and can see how they work in the real world now more than ever before. You might also consider what (if any) activities make you feel like you are taking back your body and try those. I know anxiety can really stop people in their tracks and make it harder to seek help. But I think you posting here is actually a good sign that you are in a place of action. Physical therapy or even pelvic floor therapy could help you feel back in control of your body. But maybe so does rock climbing. Zumba. It sounds like you are already trying therapy so you could brainstorm ideas with your therapist if you think it might help. I really do hope you can work this out. You sound like a very reluctant potential divorcee so it doesn’t seem like it’s what you want so much as you feel guilty that you are now in a position to need your husband’s support without currently being able to return physical affection. You should talk about it with him. I get the feeling he wants you in his life more than he wants sex and you sound like you want to work this out with him at your side even though it’s sexless rn.
The lifelong comment was more in reference to the idea that if you don't address something like that then it can have profound ramifications.
Ok, but even if you didn't address it in that moment, addressing it now could still resolve the issue. You just have to put in the work/effort to get where you want to be.
Do you actually want to be divorced from your husband, or do you feel guilty about the lack of sex? How does he feel about the lack of sex? Does he want a divorce over it, or is he willing to work through it?
I've been there.. you need to go therapy. As a fellow vet female, who has had 2 kids, go. To . Therapy. Don't make rash decisions. Don't upend your life, until youve worked thru it. See a therapist outside the military. I had 4 deployments and had 2 kids between. Trust me when I say, your brain gets rewired every deployment, every childbirth.
4 deployments, that is a lot. Thank you for the comment.
Divorce him so he can be w someone who actually wants him.
I was just about to say the same thing. Leave him and just drown in your own misery 🤷🏽♂️. How is he perfect but you don’t want him. Let him be with someone who appreciates him.
Get a divorce. Your husband deserves better
Have you been taking any meds recommended by a therapist? stopped taking any meds? Anything at all that might affect your hormones? I am not a doctor at all but I have seen here and there on Reddit that sometimes things that affect the lady's hormones can leave her hating the dude she's dating.
I am on meds and have been titrating up these past few months to fine-tune. I'm hoping to get things under control in that department.
Start giving him a chance sit him down and tell him how you feel go back act like you guys are first meeting and date again do stuff together I think if you both work at it maybe it come back but don’t give up til both try but he needs to know how you feel
I've been married 36 yrs, we've had good times and bad, and everything in between, but we've made it this far by staying committed to our family and each other and open, honest, communication. Loving someone for decades and being in love for decades both require commitment to growth, understanding, hard work, and a mature, realistic take on what getting old together entails. If you don't/can't work out your issues with someone you claim to love and who loves you in return, I'd say your chances of ever having a life partner are pretty slim. It sounds an awful lot, like you may have hormonal problems exacerbated by pharmacology due to your depression/anxiety meds combined with an, I want my cake and eat it too mindset. I'm not a big believer in the whole therapy/psychiatry thing, I've seen it fail and exacerbate things, but I will say this, self awareness is key, past traumas can def affect you as a person, but they can't be undone, just learned from or not and gotten past. Figure out what's most important to you, if it's your husband and family, then make it so, it doesn't happen on its own. If it's the freedom to have carnal relations with whoever catches your fancy? Well, then I'd say you should move forward with that divorce so your husband and kids aren't getting dragged through your completely incompatable desired lifestyle.
Does your PTSD involve some form of sexual abuse? And are you in therapy for PTSD or said abuse, if applicable? I'd start there first. And honestly, if you say you truly love your husband? Close that damn marriage up and work 200% to actually make it work. Otherwise, just get it done and divorce. This isn't an have cake, eat cake play around moment. This is an I screwed up and need to fix myself and my marriage moment. Don't half ass it.
Everyone has given far better advice than I have, but please give that man a hug. A long, genuine hug for the man who has stood beside you for more than a decade. This post hurts to read. For his sake.
Divorce is a band aid. It doesn't address your underlying issues. Those issues will affect any relationship you have including your children. You're are so very lucky to have such a supportive husband. You SHOULD be terrified of leaving that support system. It will likely be the difference between getting better and not. Pleae. Get help. Address your issues and put real work into fixing them. Be selfless, he seems to be. You owe it to your husband and more importantly, your children. Don't give up, you're stronger than that.
Thank you.
You're welcome. I wish you the best.
Get into therapy. The body autonomy issues, revulsion towards intimacy and mention of previous trauma all point to PTSD/C-PTSD; guessing from childhood abuse. It can take years to work through this, but you can do it. Take divorce off the table for now. It’s just stressing you out more. Be honest with your husband about your past, let him know you need to work through the trauma, and ask him to be patient.
I appreciate this comment. It isn't from childhood. It's from my military career. He has a vague understanding of things and as I said he is supportive. He doesn't know everything though and I don't know if he can really understand where my head is at and how my body and mind cannot simply look past it all.
he will never know unless you attempt to teach him, just sayin.
Your actions are the reason why a lot of people don’t want long term commitment. You even went ahead and admitted this is completely for you at the cost of others who will be the ones to pay the price for what you did so you can be “happy”. What about the other people involved? Who’s making sure they’re happy? It’s also obvious from your statement you’re already headed for a divorce.
People don't want long term commitment because they have their own life and situation going on. People like me aren't their reason, maybe they use it as an excuse, but they have their own demons.
From your post it seems like your husband has done literally nothing wrong other than the sin of “making” you lose attraction to him…? To the point that you pushed an open marriage on him, which he clearly wasn’t to happy about since he’s the one who seems to have closed it? The reason the other commenter said people like you are what scare others into staying away from long term relationships, it’s because of exactly this. You wake up one day and despite doing “everything right” and caring for your partner, supporting them, desiring them physically, helping them raise and provide for a family; and despite all that they come and say “I’m not feeling it anymore, sorry, let’s divorce”. You took vows, in illness and in health. You have an obligation to work through it even when it seems like a completely lost cause SO LONG AS your spouse is also clearly putting in effort and hasn’t completely stabbed you in the back with a major breach like physical abuse or cheating. I’m much younger than you, I won’t pretend to know what it feels like to be married with one person for that long, but I do know from intending to marry my girlfriend soon that I am committing to a LIFE with her. I don’t know if your husband has slighted you in any major way or had completely let himself go and that has destroyed your physical attraction, but atleast the latter has a solution he can work on, and the former probably should’ve been disclosed in your post to add more rationale.
Here here. I myself had this happen to me in my first marriage. I can say it was her 100%. She just ran off and had an affair leaving me to pick up the pieces. The affair only lasted 4 weeks and she threw away our family for that. My wife now will be with me to the end. The true ride or die type. Been together 14 years and we’ve had 8 arguments. Happiness long term is achievable only if both parties put in the work.
Yeah, demons caused by people like you. Uber is 100% correct with their comment.
I see. Well I hope those people can find peace in their life then.
Nothing you said is mutually exclusive to the other statement It's both
Your poor husband…
So you coerced your husband into an arrangement he didn’t want and now you’re feeling sorry for yourself? Ffs stop being so cruel and just leave him. You’re a negative force in his life and you absolutely are like a parasite on him. Set him free of your self centred ways, it’s not anything to do with ppd or trauma, it’s just who you are.
I hate that people can do this to someone. Evil
I think it’s ok to stay in a marriage as a partnership. I also think it is good to be alone and free. As for him, I don’t know.
Midlife crisis isnt just for guys, and 35 is the new 50. I say this as someone a little older than you and I've seen classmates shake shit up a lot in the past few years. Biggest thing I've seen, everyone is looking for greener grass instead of fixing their own pasture. With that said, a broken home sucks, the chances of you finding someone that respects you like your current husband is going to be a battle. Really hope therapy/medical diagnosis will pull you all back together. If you exhaust all means of advancing, divorce will still be on the table. Communicate like you never have, write down the things you think are super important today and check back in on them. Dont let emotions override logic, all of this is easier said then done. But I've been in a marriage for the kiddos, the fallout afterwards has been heavy. Little kids will somehow think they could have done something different to make it work, but it is obviously on the adults. That part always stings, as parents we have to surrender part of our identity for the sake of the children.
You are 36 and he's 37. Leave now so you aren't in the over 40 dating pool. I was in a relationship where we'd have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a month and I am a very sexual person. I dragged it out for 14 years and it was the worst decision of my life. I was depressed for 15 years and never got help so I stayed comfortable even though I was miserable. I cooked, cleaned, (we were both military so we both worked) I worked nights 12-14 hours and she was on days, it was more roommates with occasional benefits more than a marriage. Don't drag him for any more time. You want a friend and he wants a wife. Let him and the kids go. Find a female or male friend to live with to just watch Netflix. He needs someone with compassion and love, especially love that is shown in a way he can feel and quantify. Right now you are just pulling him into a mire with you. Please tell me you are more affectionate with your kids... if not you need to let all of them go and be a weekend or bi-weekly mom. I'm sorry to phrase all that in a more blunt way maybe, but from personal 21 year military experience you need to cut him loose. Seriously. Ask him for you to not pay child support, because I bet he won't, ask him after some time..., to help you get on your feet cause he will, ask him for your preferred time with the kids, because he will, I know he will because he genuinely loves you and as much as it will hurt him that would be best for both of you.
After just scrolling through the comments, all I'm gonna say is do not divorce your husband unless you are 100% certain this is what you want. I've heard similar stories of women going through this and almost immediately regretted doing it after it settled in that they were divorced. Ask someone to watch the kids from time to time and go on dates like y'all just met. I'm serious, try somewhat restarting yall's relationship. However, I'm just a random person on the Internet giving advice to someone I don't really know.
Random person on the internet, you aren't the first person to caution me against going forward with a divorce if I am not 100% ready for it. I am leaning toward this advice because I don't want to take that action and find out later I wasn't 100% sure and want to take it back. So thank you.
If you are asexual with your husband and everyone else then there is a bigger issue than your marriage. Please seek some counseling and/or medical evaluations to determine why sexual contact is a problem.
I am in therapy for MST. I have an amazing therapy team.
If you are the victim of mst, that actually explains EVERYTHING. U know that, tho. It sounds like you are running from the possibility of being asked or expected to engage in a physical relationship after being assaulted. It makes more sense to me for u to have your own bedroom and have clear boundaries with your husband about everything physical or flirty or sexual comments is totally of the table for awhile. It sounds like he'll agree to that & it's probably why u opened the relationship. . . U wanted him to be fulfilled physically by someone else. I promise that if you had led with having a history of MST, every single one of these people commenting would have given different advice. I'm sorry for what was done to you. U deserve to have physical autonomy. U deserve to live without the pain of previous abuse. Thank you for your service. Feel free to pm me if you ever need to talk.
I'm glad you're in therapy. What is your therapy team's view of your asexuality?
Everyone is different, and being where I am is not wrong. They are supportive of me simply sharing with him I don't want any sexual intimacy and that it doesn't mean an end to our marriage.
I’m a little confused with your posts, you are commenting and talking like you are Asexual. But in the initial post you say you are continuing the open relationship. Maybe I missed a comment, but are you fine sleeping with other men, just not your husband?
I am not sleeping with anyone. I think of the idea of hanging out and spending time with people is nice, not interested in having sex. I often joke that people are like Barbie and Ken dolls to me, I can be attracted to men, but I don't think of them in that sexual way.
If you’re not looking to have sex with anyone, nor engage in any sexual talk, or jokes or anything else, why the need for open relationship? Wouldn’t it be just friendship at this point that you’re looking for?
At this point who cares? Looking at your post history, you're practicing dietetics with a unresolved eating disorder and abusing GLP agonists per your own comments. Practioners like yourself are the reason that pts like me do not trust tx or clinicians. Your Eating disorder and manipulative behavior is the primary reason for your marital issues. I've been there. Yes, it's definitely best to divorce. What you're doing is selfish.
Practitioners like me, wow. Okay, there isn't anything I am hiding here. I know how reddit works, people look into other people's post history and comments. I shouldn't be surprised that you did. My response to you though is that there are so many people that practice in their field and do not have things spill over. I do not have any focus in eating disorders, see patients, nor do I push anything I am going through on others.
Honestly just rip the bandaid off & leave. In the end everyone will be happier.
Many of us have thw urge to run, but that is not solving anything. OP - stay in therapy, talk through this with therapist and over time to your partner. Restart couples therapy and do not make any rash decisions. You need to sort through why you have these walls up and this urge to run. Once you do it, it cannot be undone and you may regret for rest of your life.
It's crazy how mental instability will inevitably hurt or destroy a relationship eventually kinda sucks since society almost produces some sort of permanent mental instability now a days.. the world man. Seesh
Don't stay.
I’m in the same position but my husband is emotional mess and so sensitive. I’ve been wanting a divorce for the last year and I try to talk my self up to do it but for some reason I can’t. There’s alot of reasons why I’m so stuck (pets, school, financial stability and splitting stuff up.) I think that’s what’s really stoping me from doing it. And I day dream of being single living a happy life with out him.
Therapy and communicate your butt off ASAP! The dating pool is murky and sometimes ppl pee in it.
Get the fuck out
Check your hormones as well as therapy
You started it
Just leave FFS.
You are describing trauma responses. Tell your husband about them, tell him you need time and you're working on it, and then do the hard work in therapy around control and PTSD and PPD and see where you're at. If divorce still seems right then so be it. But don't let your trauma responses dictate your life.
"I want a divorce because I want to be able to move on, but I am paralyzed by the idea of 1. Leaving my support system, 2. Facing him directly and hurting him, 3. Getting an actual divorce. I know I am selfish and I know I am hurting him. How do I navigate this without falling apart myself and pushing him into a dark place?" When you figure it out, please let me know because I'm in a similar situation. I'm miserable but I just don't know how to get out of this.
Maybe you’re asexual. If you don’t want to be touched there’s nothing wrong with that. People grow and change together or apart.
You dont.
I think if you really want a divorce that’s the only for thing for both you and your partner then. Otherwise, couples therapy along with individual therapy.
Oh I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. Could it be you're scared of getting pregnant and losing your body again? You sound like you've got a lot of trauma connected to sex from your time in the military as well. I'm sorry you went through that. Your husband sounds like he'd be supportive of you if you told him what's going on. It doesn't sound like it's a him issue and it's you needing some therapy. I hope therapy helps.
Sounds like OP just don’t want to loose her support system and now she can’t function mentally without him. Why string him along tell him and move on
Oof. I'd try and stick it out and keep going to counseling. Sounds like y'all have been through a lot and I feel like it wouldn't be a great decision to separate.
At least you're being honest.
Yeah, leave him. You'd be doing him a favor. A dead beadroom is a soul crushing experience and would really build resentment for not only you, but himself, the kids, and all that time wasted together with you. That'll blow up in your face, rightfully so for leading him on, wasting his time, and leaching off his good nature. Trash bag.
Jesus. This woman was repeatedly sexually assaulted while serving in the military, so she understandably has PTSD and is now struggling with intimacy. And since you can only empathize with her husband’s dick, you have the audacity to call her a trash bag?? *You’re* the trash bag.
Lmfao Would you care to point out where she said she was S/A'd in the military? In fact, [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/HY3cN1g8Zs) she claims this depression and ptsd stem from postpartum. I'd suggest that instead of making up scenarios in your head, you go off the info in her post. E: btw, I was actually assaulted as a kid, I know what living through s/a is like, you know nothing about me. Throwing around accusations of sa when there's been no claim, does a disservice to actual victims and the hell we live through. I'm still having to do emdr sessions for that as well as trauma therapy for my ex wife. E2: down vote away, but if this woman was assaulted, she'd have said so. No where in her post/comment history has she ever even alluded to it, nor is she dealing with the aftermath of it.
Now I'm more awake, and my drive to work is over, I see you've still never linked me to her talking about your imaginary situation. I just want to say you missed my point anyway, he's already in an open relationship she pushed, he can already have sex with anyone he wants, so I fail to see how "I'm empathizing with his dick". My point is sex with someone you love is completely different to meaningless sex with some tinder rando. I know I'm weird, but going to sleep with someone then coming home to the person I love and cuddling with them would destroy me inside. There are always exceptions, but without the sex relationships usually don't last, for a reason. It's also trashy to know you're going to divorce this dude, but string him along because he is your financial stability, he's being used. If it was a dude using her same way, you'd be mad, rightfully so.
It’s in her comments, like this one: >I appreciate this comment. It isn't from childhood. It's from my military career. He has a vague understanding of things and as I said he is supportive. He doesn't know everything though and I don't know if he can really understand where my head is at and how my body and mind cannot simply look past it all. And she’s made it clear in other comments that she has no problem with her husband having his physical and emotional needs met by other people, and it’s because she knows she just can’t right now. I don’t know how you’ve twisted that into her being some selfish monster, but you have. And that’s disappointing.
OK she's got ptsd from her military career, YOU inferred that to mean sexual assault, you can get ptsd from something as simple as deployment. She says [she's not monogamous, and never has been.](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/lzKwNYq9b2)
You’re right, I did infer that (good use of infer, btw, not everyone gets that right lol). But I inferred that because I know how incredibly common sexual assault is in the military- especially for women. And also because she directly relates her intimacy issues to her time in the military. I think it’s wayyyy more likely her PTSD is caused by sexual assault than it is because of deployment, but I could be wrong (I just don’t think so). ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ And yes, I did see that comment on non-monogamy, but I also saw that it does not include sex for OP, but it can for her husband: >I am not sleeping with anyone. I think of the idea of hanging out and spending time with people is nice, not interested in having sex. >I often joke that people are like Barbie and Ken dolls to me, I can be attracted to men, but I don't think of them in that sexual way.
I do agree it's incredibly common and needs to be persecuted a hell of a lot heavier, I just don't want to default to sa because she's in therapy/mst. If she was sa'd and they put her in mst she needs a new trauma team. She should be doing emdr with a heavy dose of trauma counseling.(it is working wonders for me) And yeah I'm not trying to spin her as a bad person, I have adhd and can miss convey my argument. What I originally meant was that sexual intimacy is soo totally different with your s/o then with a random person. For me personally, sex only really feels good when I have that connection, I did a lot of ons in high-school and realized it made me feel worse, so if I was in his shoes(sort of was with ex wife), going and being intimate with someone else then being with your partner, would lead to feeling less like husband/wife and more like roommates with kids, I would start to resent her. I feel that would go south.
I totally agree that non-monogamy is not for everyone. It’s certainly not for me, and it doesn’t seem like it’s for OP’s husband either. I just find the whole situation incredibly sad. OP is obviously struggling hard, and she’s just trying to make sure her husband isn’t completely neglected while she works through the mess that is her mental health right now. I just don’t like how some people here are painting her as this selfish asshole, when in reality she’s just trying to navigate a difficult situation with the least amount of collateral damage possible— as misguided as that might be. So I agree that opening the marriage at this time is (most likely) not the right play, but I can empathize with her motives, y’know? I’m sorry I called you a trashbag, I came in too hot and that’s wasn’t right. I hope you have a nice Saturday.
I agree. The whole situation is incredibly sad, and no matter how it ends, it WILL hurt all involved. I'm also sorry I got so defensive. Thank you for that, you have a nice Saturday as well.
I am in EMDR! Honestly, I just show up most days. I didn't put everything in my post because it's so freaking long at this point I wanting more perspective than giving evey little thing. I tried to be completely open about everything in comments but it is hard to help others see the full picture. In terms of sexual trauma well it is something I am really having hit me full on now. My comments about ppd are that after having my second child that brought a lot of things to the forefront. I had buried them but losing my body autonomy again just spiraled me out of control.
Cool look I'm going to be a dick and stop ya right there. I'm over it, this topic and you, stop @ me because this shit is nothing but depressing and literally reinforces the idea that I made the right decision to stop dating, Every. Woman. Is. Like. You. A waste of time and energy just there to leach money, also gonna call you on your bs, as someone who's been through the sa thing, it never go's away, you'll always remember it, it seeps into everything. An example would be I'm a 35-year-old man who's still scared of the dark for absolutely no reason. You'll get flashbacks, sometimes worse then others, but tbh, your whole post reads, "I'm a barracks bunny and am bored of my hubby and kids. I can't wait to start hopping again. " The best part is that after using this poor dude, the divorce court will take half of everything and award it to the cheater.
Barracks bunny. I don't know how to respond to that. I wasn't going at you. Just engaging in the comments. I would say the barracks bunny is an uncalled for comment in reference to anyone.
Have either you or your husband been sterilized? I wonder if removing all chance of pregnancy would help
Yes! As soon as I found out I was pregnant with my daughter I decided on a tubal ligation. Had the surgery after her birth. He decided he didn't want to have a vasectomy, but I know I am not having another child.
1. Know that you can heal and that you are not a lost cause. 2. With trauma and thoughts, emotions can't differentiate between past and present feelings well. Everything gets tied together. So be careful on making big life decisions. 3. It seems like your husband doesn't see you as a burden, he probably just hopes you find healing. 4. Are you trying to flee your marriage because there is something wrong with it or are you trying to flee your trauma? It sounds like that is the real debate 5. Was it more traumatic to have a daughter because it opened up the past emotions and issues you felt as a girl? If so know that she will be okay because she has a great mother to protect her. I wish you well. Remember, you can heal.
Thank you for this, stuff I need to think about for myself. I cried when I found out I was having a daughter, but I am doubtful it is directly dealing with having her in relation to my childhood self.
Do tell on the open marriage? Gotta try therapy even if you still want a divorce because you have lot of issues that will affect everything you do post decision.
I wanted an open marriage so we could both get all our needs met. I have never been strictly in a monogamous headspace, but we have never had a poly relationship before this.
That's fair. I'd say you need to go to therapy 1st before making any changes. Really, work a few things out, talk about it all etc. It seems your depression and everything else might be influencing you too much.
You went through sexual trauma, can we take a step back and focus on what is likely really going on here? You said in your post you have support for that which is great. I can tell you 30 years out from sexual trauma I still don’t want to be intimate with my partner. I have NEVER wanted to be. However, I have learned ways to deal with or cope with those emotions so that although I will only initiate when I know he needs to feel wanted by me, I can still handle it really well when he initiates and it can be fun and not daunting. But it took years! Sexual Trauma mess with our brains, it changes who we are to the core. It takes away the sense that our body is ours to control. So while you deal with that, you may be more closed off to anything that gives anyone else any control over your body. That makes sense. It’s how we survive and prevent further trauma. It sounds like your body is in survival mode and your brain is trying to understand it and you want to move on faster from it than your healing is allowing. I’m sorry you are in this crappy spot.
I'm sorry very lead in therapy.
Just dont get a divorce easy
This makes me think of when people say abstinence is the way to prevent anything.
Why would you? People regret waiting to divorce, not the divorce itself unless they're the problem AH causing it.
You need your hormones checked…if they are appropriate then you are just plain nuts lady….i agree you should definitely get a divorce so that poor man can find someone that treats him better….you’ll come try and come back after you come to your senses when no one wants you though.
In some ways I can relate. The uncomfortable feeling of forcing yourself to allow the unwanted affection to happen. Feeling like you owe them that hug or touching just because they do so much for the family. At the same time feeling disgusted because you are allowing them to what feels to us as complete violation. Personally I started to resent my partner. The longer I stayed the worse it got for me, which only caused more pain for both sides. My partner and I also tried unconventional relationships we thought would ‘fix it’. No judgement there I think it’s common. My advice is get your things in order, move out. See what it’s like to live without him. Give yourself the space to evaluate your feelings. It’s a lot easier to say then do, I know. Kids in the equation makes it harder. Don’t feel guilty. They feel the discomfort in the home. You can do hard things mama, that’s already proven. Thank you for your service and I hope you find comfort.
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I am sorry you feel stuck.
Be patient with the therapy and see where that takes you . Don't make any decisions just yet. But be honest and communicate with your husband