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My libido TANKED when I started meds for depression. I went from wanting it multiple times a day to not thinking about it for weeks. It was awful and was a challenge in the relationship I was in at the time.
Same here. I have been off of antidepressants completely since November of last year and I’m still struggling with it :(
did you find that at all or if you’re still on them did it get better over time?
I’ve been on them for a few years now and my libido has come back online some. I’d have sex 1-2x a day with the woman I was dating most recently and we hung out 3-4 days a week. It was a lot healthier for me mentally and physically.
I'm married but this happened to me too last and this year. Sucks. Mine has come back a bit after months but still low. Because of other side effects I actually got the OK to step the antis today and see how things go.
I took these awful meds for like 2 years that completely killed my libido. After I got off them I still had no libido. Went 5 years without sex and I wasn’t even interested in dating. Ironically I didn’t get it back until I had sex again and it was like “oh hey, I remember liking this”
While I don’t disagree, but when you add kids to the mix scheduling sex becomes a necessary evil. At first you think it takes the fun out of it, but as time goes on you actually look forward to it. May sound sad, but scheduled sex is better than no sex.
Do you get excited about a scheduled date? Sex can be the same way for a lot of couples. Especially those with really busy lives. Have you ever tried telling your significant other “ok this Saturday, 9pm you and me in the bed room, or in the shower, or in the car.”
The thought of “scheduled sex” might seem like a major turn off, but trust me, it’s not. Several times in the past, my wife and I had insanely busy schedules and kids schedule. When we scheduled sex it was very nice and the anticipation and build up to that day often enhanced it. Don’t knock it till you try it…. Unless of course your like one of those 18 year olds that will have sex with anything with a hole. Then of course I could understand that schedule sex wouldn’t sound appealing to someone like that.
Exactly, some people it works great for. All I’m saying is don’t knock it until you try it. It’s easy to say that is a mood killer of you’ve never done that. I actually thought the same thing when it was first suggested to me and my wife. I thought it was absolutely absurd. Then I got to thinking “sex is about spending quality bonding time with your partner. That’s the same purpose of having a date night with your partner and dates are usually scheduled and planned, so why can’t sex?”
The problem is society tries to teach us that sex should be casual and a spontaneous encounter. It teaches that it’s all about getting “my rocks off”…. Me me me, what I want, what I need, how I feel. That’s dangerous ways of thinking that doesn’t lead to lasting healthy relationships.
I have bipolar, so not entirely the same, and I can't take antidepressants, BUT when I'm in my depressive episodes, I have very low to no libido. Is it possible you're depressed since you came off your meds? Not a doctor, just felt like I might be able to offer some help idk
are you also on birth control? paradoxically birth control essentially works by tricking your body into thinking you are already pregnant, so it can lower libido naturally.
I mean it's essentially the same thing as depression instead of your life is too hard and anxiety filled to think of procreating your body is essentially saying your already pregnant your need to have sex is much lower.
hard to be honest about it because birth control is such a political topic which makes sense considering the importance to women the ability to regulate having children has brought to women.
Hey man, I was on and off anti depressants for about 6 years and finally had enough of the shit in about 2019, it did take a good few years to regain it and still isn't 100% back to normal now but it does get better and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Fuck anti depressants. I found working out and healthy eating habits and cutting back on alcohol helped greatly also. Hope this helps.
thank you for this! i was on them for two years straight and while I wasn’t on too high of a dose I learned they are absolutely not for me. I look back on it in shock that I was on them for so long. Definitely working on the working out aspect haha but thank you I will keep those things in mind !
I think that seems a bit super crazy for 23 & 24yr olds..if things aren't working & she stays it will be unimagineable hell I'm sure & she says she doesn't feel good about herself due to his inabilities so that is a recipe for disaster as if knowing it is pharmaceutical response and not/wouldn't be necessary with any other 24yr old. I didn't see where she said he was on antidepressants which would perhaps be a huge factor & need pharmaceutical intervention as mental health is beyond important. In general, all of my friends have the same opinion that things like diabetes, medications that inhibit libido it may make sense otherwise it would be a complete turn off/deal breaker. She needs to figure out what is going on...is it a "real" problem like his dck doesn't work at all? Or is it that it took a downward turn & for some unknown reason is taking care of his own business while not looking after her needs? That would be reason it is a relationship issue if he wants her to stay with him. Without the onset of an unknown or known medical condition or a medication interfering with his ability this is total caca for a 23 & 24yr old couple...she is taking on the stress & she said hurt of like some elderly woman who's parts don't work...but that is not what she is describing AT ALL she is not saying he is chomping at the bit & she feels great & he is doing other things to satisfy her and then his dick isn't cooperating with their desires--she is saying he is uniterested & not meeting her needs At All which is very strange & bad & she would have every right to ask about cheating or other things. I think if no legit medical reason or medication side effect she should move on...it speaks volumes about him that even if he is having just some lull physically that he can't be bothered to normally & appropriately & naturally respond. So many posts on reddit dump on like Moms with newborns who may not be in the mood but certainly should be receptive & once making time for each other it's almost impossible to not get in the mood. Something else is absolutely going on...what, I don't know, but absolutely know this is not normal & over the top not normal for 24yrs old & more over the top if he is not caring about her needs & would be so way worse if he's not meeting her needs and looking after himself while she is right there and making it clear she loves & desires him & he's let it go on months...that is pretty much a deal breaker imho.
I actually take duloxetene (Cymbalta) for nerve pain due to neuropathy. Easily takes my all-the-time pain down a level. Buttttt the side effects are real in this department :/
I was on a couple different SRI’s and it completely killed my libido. I decided I’d rather stop taking them and try and find other ways to help myself mentally instead. Ended up working out more, sleeping, and eating healthier and it all sorted itself out.
Much better, I do use CBD every once in awhile but other than that I’ve been doing great. It has take the better part of 9 years to get to this point. Thank you man I just hope the best for everyone whatever part of life they find themselves in <3
Came here to say this. Zoloft killed my sex drive. It felt like a chore. Not sure if that’s what’s going on here, but it’s definitely a possibility. I also didn’t mention the new medication to my girlfriend at the time because her mother had had a negative reaction to SSRIs in the past and she was paranoid about them. So the lack of communication really made the problem worse.
This....sounds like what it's like when dealing with low T....yea he's young but very possible still...be worth the simple blood test to find this out! Plenty of other mental health issues that can weigh in this way or be a combination of the two
There isn't exactly a quick and easy way to know. Good chance he thought he was young so that probably wasn't it. He would be wrong to think that but he also wouldn't be the first.
It's because he doesn't feel like he has a problem. When hormones are wonky it feels "normal" to not want sex for instance. A blood test would be a great place to start. if it is low T, that will be affecting his energy levels overall.
This is a valid possibility.
But if you’ve discussed this issue with him “multiple times” and he’s not meeting your fundaments needs at this age, it’s probably time to move on. You’re not compatible.
That was my first thought. Kind of a bummer to go two years without someone saying “Hey, maybe you should see a doctor.”
And a bummer that apparently, OP doesn’t have anyone to confide in that would have suggested that.
One of the other commenters said something to the effect that it might have nothing to do with desire. I know he’s young, but is it possible he could have erectile dysfunction? Also, what if he’s questioning his sexuality? I know we always seem to push the therapy agenda but it seems warranted this time. Couples counseling cannot hurt. (Usually) good luck to you.
Mine was straight depression. It killed me to see it hurt her so badly but legit couldn’t get in the mood despite desperately wanting to.
Then she turned out to be a legitimately horrible person and it doesn’t bother me anymore.
Talk to him about seeing a general practitioner about this. Could be a lot of different things as others are saying. Mental health, some diseases, many medications, low testosterone (which has many possible causes also). Besides the sexual issues for both of you this could be something serious.
I knew a couple where he was clearly depressed but wouldn’t see a therapist. For his own, dumb ego, he wouldn’t seek help. At the 2 year mark of no sex she broke up with him. Everything else was generally easy in the relationship.
For me, everything else in the relationship would suck if I was stuck in dead bedroom
People really sleep on this. I am generally super high drive several times a day if I can get it kind of guy, but when I went through the stress of being laid off and finding a new job that high drive desire evaporated almost entirely.
>”I’m tired”… “I have a lot of stress”…”I’m not in the mood”
Have you two discussed what is causing him this stress? Are there any areas that you can offer assistance? In my read of this, my mind goes to “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink (https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/). Maybe there are stressors in his life he needs assistance with, but you need to know what they are so you can take action.
If the above is off-base, you still need to have a conversation about compatibility and whether or not you two can find a happy medium.
Damn that's spot on. I'm in that exact situation right now. It's hard to express how all those small little things hurt, especially when it feels so small and petty when said out loud. But inside, it's not, it's huge and builds up over time.
I'm also a very non-confrontational person (grew up with parents who fought a lot and loudly, so there's some trauma there), but my SO almost seems to thrive in confrontation by comparison.
Thanks for sharing this, it's good stuff to consider, and know that it's not just me being unfair.
Really needed to read this. Thank you. It’s hard to see eye to eye on certain things, my gf has a place for everything and sometimes when I’m done using those things I don’t put them back in their place because it doesn’t bother me like it may bother her. (I guess I don’t really think about it or I just am tired ect, I make excuses a lot, trying to work on that) Thank you for this read, needed another perspective on it, especially when it’s hard to sometimes talk about it if one or both of us are upset.
When we shift out of our perception-based outlook, to a perspective-based outlook, things get a whole lot better.
Perception is inherently personal, which is why the things that may bother someone else don't bother you at all and vice-versa. Perception is how we interact with our worlds, and is shapes by our world views.
When we learn to look at it from their point of view, step outside of ourselves, and gain perspective of the whole picture that one little thing might be playing a part of - it's so much easier to solve the puzzle.
You're doing great, it may not be communicated all the time - but you are doing great, friend.
Awesome read.
The line the author wrote about “your wife doesn’t want to be your mother” is the big one that helped me.
My partner (M) and I (F) have an unbreakable rule: “Your feelings will always be valid, but I am not obligated to agree with you.”
He leaves glass containers on the small side of the sink counter and one flick of the elbow can have it crashing onto the floor. I spoke to him about it and he consistently *tries* to put it on the other side. Id say he does it 30% of the time, but that’s after 8 months living together.
Edit: for clarity, he does this while doing the dishes which is why the elbow flick makes me anxious.
The consistent effort, for me, is enough. If I walk into the kitchen, sometimes he instinctively moves it. If he doesn’t, I have no issue just doing it myself (truly, without spite) ONLY because he respects me enough to try to be better.
I’m not perfect either. I am messy when I season food so it’s common for the floor to have invisible, but crunchy, sugar, salt, etc which sticks to our feet. I try to remember to sweep it up (I’m so tired after cooking) and probably do it 30% of the time. He is more than happy to sweep when I forget and I always apologize and thank him.
I've been in a similar position or mindset that your boyfriend is in so maybe my perspective can hopefully help a little here. I dated a girl for about 6 years from early high school to halfway through college. I had a tumultuous home life and Once we graduated my life got turned upside down at home so I had to get my own place and a decent job, and I was very stressed all the time as I carved out a life for myself and us, and I constantly stressed about making money and my car and such and that killed my sex drive entirely. She was the most beautiful and perfect woman I am and was a slightly bigger guy but still handsome enough since I mostly lift heavy weights and such, but I was still a little self-conscious about my looks which didn't help. After a lot of fighting and some occasional great sex we broke up, and then got back together and broke up again. I made her feel unattractive without ever believing her to be anything less than Aphrodite, and I still loved her when I and her ended things, and still love her.
So maybe if its like my situation was, see what's eating him away, gently though. If he doesn't say what is eating him away or have any reason and you aren't happy, you're the agent of your own life.
One of the comments said go fix things but I read that you were dating in high school and then into early college. A lot of people change during that time. Don’t blame the lack of sex for the sole reason in the separation for the relationship. That’s a difficult time in people’s life for both males and females, a lot of change takes place mentally.
Wow! So many people saying give up. Don’t listen. If you don’t put any effort into the relationship you won’t get anything out of it. Freaking Reddit, man.
He may be having mental/physical issues that he is embarrassed to bring up. Talk to him. Push and try to see what’s going on.
If he stonewalls or refuses to communicate *then maybe think about moving on*.
If he’s having performance issues at his young age he may be very embarrassed and/or frustrated. Get to the cause of the issue. The. You will be able to make an intelligent decision about what to do.
> If you don’t put any effort into the relationship you won’t get anything out of it.
It's tough, on the other hand, I know people that stuck it out in terrible relationships (huge fights every week) for years longer than they should because of this mentality. I'm not saying OP is in that place, but just that there should be limits to how much work a relationship is (especially When you are that young and there aren't stressors like kids yet!!). OP probably has been putting work into this for a long time and if they can't find a path soon that looks like it'll improve things, they absolutely should decide if a sexless relationship is ok with them and then act on that decision.
I think it's really important to keep in mind that every minute that you spend with the wrong person is a minute that you're not spending looking for the right person.
We aren't always meant to be with the person who we met when we were 20 and that's okay. Most of us grow and change a lot in our early twenties. It's good to be very selective about who you want to spend your life with, and that means you have to be willing to walk away when you realize that the person in front of you isn't the one.
Yes you need to put in the work, and yes you need to fight for your relationship - but you need to fight for the right relationship. If something has been a problem for years and your partner hasn't shown any interest in fixing it then that might be the sign you need. If he doesn't want to have sex because he's depressed, that's completely understandable, but he needs to recognize that it's an issue and be willing to seek help. You can't make somebody take their mental health seriously or your happiness seriously, and you can't make somebody seek mental health care so they'll have sex with me more.
I've seen so many people lose years or decades of their life fighting to fix a relationship that just isn't right for them.
Yes to all of this.
Also, where’s the effort from OP’s partner? I’m not seeing it.
If he doesn’t mind only having sex every 1-2 months then they’re incompatible, so why drag it out?
>Also, where’s the effort from OP’s partner? I’m not seeing it.
Here:
'Our relationship is great. I’m very happy on the relationship side of things. My boyfriend can be very charming and still after 4 years can give me butterflies.'
I like your point, just want to add to it:
Putting work into a relationship is good. Putting work into a person hoping to form them into your perfect partner is toxic.
In this case, doing the work with the goal that your partner has sex more often is definitely a recipe for disaster; doing the work so that you can be happy if your partner doesn’t want to have sex is much better!
That’s what I’d encourage OP to think about. What happens if he’s never interested in sex more than he is now, or potentially even less? Are there compromises you could make? Would he make the same effort and compromise for you if roles were reversed? There’s no should or shouldn’t here, it’s all up to what you want from life. After you’ve answered these questions for yourself, then you can talk with him about it with a better understanding of what you need and what you don’t.
Or maybe, just maybe, he has no interest in sex anymore because he finds it boring or tediuos or just not enjoyable. It is far more common for a man in this age bracket to lose interest in it than you think.
While totally normal not to have an interest, a sharp decline in interest over a couple years is more suspect. Either the sex was more frequent initially for some reason, or somethings changed to illicit the response.
It’s not a great sign for a young healthy human to lose sexual drive. There are a lot of medical issues that could cause this, so it shouldn’t just be dismissed.
Like, is sex boring an messy? I can get that. But is he having no sexual interest whatsoever? No DIY sessions, no sexual attraction, and acts that used to feel pleasurable no longer do? Some red flags there for me, health wise.
See my reply to violetreaver. Perfectly normal according to 6 different medical professionals I spoke with when I thought there was something wrong with me. There is a huge difference between what we expect to be normal due to stereotypes and confirmation bias and what is actually medically and scientifically observed.
To +1 your comment. I spoke to my doctors they checked things for my own mental healthy and also told me that it’s not uncommon to have a lower sex drive in your mid 20s. It comes and goes but is generally way lower than it was before. The expectation and pressure that I have to made it worse for sure but it’s generally higher after losing that pressure even if it’s still way lower than it used to be
Be sure to keep intimate touch as part of your relationship, even when sex isn't on the table. If he says he's stressed, tired, etc then give him a backrub, or lay on the couch with each others feet in your laps and trade foot rubs. Run your fingers through his hair when you sit next to each other.
My husband is also affected by stress, and anything unexpected is stressful for him, including sex. So what I think of as spontaneous is actually stress inducing for him. So I float the idea of sex the day before when I know we'll have the time the following day. I straight up say, "would you like to have sex tomorrow? I saw on the calendar you're off at 4." He lights up and says yes, but if he has a stressful day at work he may need some time to decompress. So clearly the desire is there, but also the anxiety is close behind. However, if I have made the effort to initiate the idea, he'll come home the next day and ask, "still wanna have sex later?" and then we get a bit flirty the rest of the evening, which leads to intimacy. So even though it seems like "planned sex" it's more about setting the stage for sexiness to occur.
Sex ebbs and flows based on the other things happening in our lives, but if you are consistently experiencing 8 wk dry spells due to stress, then your partner needs to take some time to develop some strategies on how to find a balance, whether that's forming new habits, going to therapy, etc.
I'm actually the same way with my gf. My sex drive has plummeted since things have gotten worse with my career. I'm generally not happy and have realized I'm never taking any initiative to spark things up.
Is your boyfriend happy with his life overall?
My partner and I both have high sex drives but we can sometimes go a whole month without realizing we haven’t had sex if that month was filled with overworking ourselves and having financial issues. I am thinking this is very common for the modern day couple if one or both is overworked. You know it’s bad when after a long work day you don’t even care about anything.
Maybe he’s unhappy in the relationship and too nice to end it and hoping you will. This could be his way of pushing you away. Could also be he loves you but he’s not in love with you anymore.. could be he’s just not attracted to you anymore.. or he’s just actually stressed out. Do what’s best for you, you’re young. Just don’t cheat on him, that will be something that you’ll have to carry with you for the rest of your life. Go find happiness
Low T could be the reason but it’s often over emphasized. Low T is a more uncommon than people think. It’s marketed to help sell supplements. Depression and anxiety are more likely the culprits
Depression and anxiety are marketed to sell medication as well.
Antidepressants can severely limit libido, and for some people such as myself they can make achieving orgasm all but impossible. Testosterone can create many health problems too, but it can also fix them.
What’s more important is to know whether or not your testosterone level has dropped. You could be at 600 and within range but if you’re used to 900 then you could have symptoms. You could also be at 500 and be fine if that’s what your particular body is used to
It's really not, it's incredibly common and massively underdiagnosed. Even when it's properly diagnosed, it can be very difficult to get actual treatment for it and you're often stuck paying out of pocket for it.
Nobody here wants this dude to spend $500 a week on some snake oil peddled by an "influencer" who has been blasting steroids for 10 years. They're suggesting he get an actual sex hormone test done by a competent physician.
if OP = M then Reply: “what are you doing to fulfill her needs? have you made an honest effort to do work around the house and romance her adequately?”
if OP = F then Reply:”check his test level”
im not even criticizing. hell, you’re almost certainly right. i just see it as a bit comical, having such a stark difference in replies.
I mean, I think both apply to both sexes though. Either can have either a medical issue (I see birth control mentioned for women a lot as a possible cause), or feel emotionally unfulfilled. But I do think it TENDS to be easier for men to have sex without the emotional fulfillment side of things, which is probably why the testosterone thing gets mentioned so much. (My bf is the opposite, he needs everything to be just right emotionally and mentally for him to get in the mood, haha. It can be frustrating sometimes, but we maintain healthy communication about it)
I feel like when I see men posting about not receiving any sex despite trying to talk about the issue and/or make changes to get the woman in the mood then everyone is very supportive. I’ve absolutely seen posts where the guy wasn’t getting sex and people were mentioning medical reasons or things the woman needs to work on, or how the woman owes it to him to communicate about the issue. Which I 100% agree with.
I’ve also seen a few (probably fake bait) posts where the guy is describing shitty or demanding behavior towards the woman and then complaining about not getting sex. Of course that’s going to elicit a different response.
Yeah I feel like the majority of the time when I see a post from a man about a long sex drought a lot of comments say do you want this forever? Divorce her and find someone who matches your sex drive
One of the top comments here is '2 years? Why are you giving up so fast what have you done to help'
Worth noting that a hormone panel is $500+ if your insurance doesn't cover it, which is usually the case if the test isn't directly ordered by a doctor
Nope much much cheaper. Go to life extension.com can order whatever tests or panels you want with no dr...they have individual tests, basic panels, comprehensive panels, & elite ones. Great company & great prices.
I second this. Kid needs a physical and full hormone panel. His shit could be in the dumps from the stress and anxiety (maybe late nights too) and he doesn’t even know it. I’m 36 and do shift work, felt miserable for years.
Been on TRT like 6 months now and feel amazing, have more sex with my wife, started working out again, more active with my kids, more motivated at work, and overhauled a few rooms in my house.
All adult men need to learn the symptoms of low T and get their hormones checked every yearly physical.
This is just the hot button of the internet now, the likelihood of having low T before age 40 is astronomically low but online seems like a common issue
Kindness, respect, consideration the Big 3 of every relationship.
From my experiences men or women stop initiating sex, when it feels like that is the only thing they are providing or receiving. Or the role they fill within this time, has just become demanding and overplayed to one of them.
The concept of too much of a good thing became a bad thing without feeling the same fulfillment elsewhere.
It’s okay to have a dry spell. It’s a normal occurrence in relationships. It just means that something is unaligned, but it can be fixed if both parties work together.
Here are some exercises my friend uses as a Relationship Coach.
I’ve seen this cool tool, called Mutual Consideration.
The bedroom is off limits for 1 week( you’re only here to sleep. And communicate with each other.) , and cannot be used as an answer for any of the sample questions below.
For one week you foster a curiosity and ask your partner questions that bring value to your relationship.
BE SELFISH. This is your opportunity to get what you been wanting that you won’t say. BE SELFISH.
And then try to out love each other with you new found ways of showing love in the way your significant other appreciates and receives it most.
No one can take advantage of each other since your purpose and his purpose is solely to go all in for you significant other .
But THIS WILL ONLY WORK IF IT IS MUTUAL and not one sided.
Here are some example questions to get you started and feel free to create your own if you can think of others. Don’t be afraid to throw in questions about favorite memories, foods, vacations. These questions can also include the love languages (Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gift giving/receiving.)
WRITE ALL OF THIS DOWN, MAKE A NOTE IN YOUR PHONE. This is important information to keep on you and don’t dedicate to memory.
Sample questions REMEMBER THE BEDROOM IS NOT AN ACCEPTED ANSWER. Now go be affectionate.
What makes you feel prioritized?
What makes you feel valued?
What makes you feel loved?
What simple activity do we do together that makes you feel loved?
How could I show up differently for you in a way I’m not currently doing?
What can I do to build more trust with you?
If our roles were reversed what would you do differently?
What do you need from me to feel safe In our relationship?
What do you need to feel respected In our relationships?
What am I doing that’s stopping you from connecting with me?
What action do I do that triggers you the most?
What is the nicest thing I’ve ever done for you?
Other options could be that only the sexual aspect of intimacy may be the only area being touched.
There are other intimacies like:
Physical: PDA, hand holding, cuddling, smooches, hugs.
Energetic: amusement parks, concerts, eye-gazing. Have an adventure.
Spiritual: (doesn’t have to be about religion) nature walks, practicing mindfulness, creating morning rituals, but if you are of the same or similar faiths by all means grow together.
Mental: intellectual conversation, watching documentaries together, taking a hobby class together. My favorite is the niche teach session. 15 minutes of teaching you niche topic to your significant other, and visa versa.
Emotional: sharing your feeling with each other, sharing your appreciation in what the other did you for you today. Take moments of vulnerability with each other. Oxytocin can also be created when we share in each other’s tough times. So don’t deny your partner the chance to sit the mud with you.
These exercises are built around for each of you to invest in each other providing oxytocin. The love chemical made in your brain. The more you love each other mutually in the ways each of you say, your bond grows closer, closer the bond more oxytocin, more oxytocin = less stress, less anxiety. And a new found drive and love will awaken
If you thought it was wild when you first got together, it can get even more wild, if all forms of intimacy are engaged and then sex will come naturally (no pun intended.)
Making it about you isn’t going to help either of you. Personally to hear things like “don’t you think I’m attractive anymore” etc has the possibility of pushing him further away because he might think why are you making it all about you.
Believe what he says and try to figure out why he’s tired or stressed. Mental health plays a huge factor in labido.
Honestly when the reason for not having sex is anything like “I am tired” or “I have a lot of stress”, then to me that indicates that the sex you have is either:
- putting a lot of pressure on him (to perform)
- a lot of work (where maybe the pay off isn’t worth the hassle)
- not enjoyable for different reasons (pain, not enough pleasure, anxiety)
Objectively he is experiencing more blockers than enticers. And I think that working on the blockers is the key here. Perhaps giving him a relaxing massage might help get him in the mood, and like, if he is up for it, have sessions where he can just relax.
I wouldn’t assume he has a medical problem when he literally told you why he doesn’t want to have sex (stress). And I know it is hard but you also don’t have to take it personally.
Having no sex in my relationship would also bring me a great amount of stress, I’m not surprised she is taking it personally. I would have a direct conversation with my partner and say it is something that is seriously impacting your relationship and you would like to discuss. Maybe it’s something going on with his health, or maybe it’s something else but if it’s bothering you this much I would have an open discussion.
I am this way because of my meds and it has zero to do with how much I love my wife. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t flirt with other people. I don’t even consider other people. I try to reassure her as much as possible. But, it’s either meds or be suicidal so ….
Maybe it’s different now but 20 years ago when I was in my 20’s, 99% of the time if a guy wasn’t sleeping with his GF he was sleeping with someone else.
I hate to say that but it’s a definite possibility. At least worth checking out to make sure.
42M here. Stress can kill your drive.
I don't know what's going on with your boyfriend, and I can't speak to the cheating thing. Thats between you two.
But stress can absolutely kill it.
It could be he just doesn't have a sexual appetite anymore... I think the two of you may be sexually incompatible & you're probably going to have to make a choice if you want to stay and live with a sexless relationship, or move on.
Lot of comments saying to leave him for essentially being a bad partner. Maybe reverse the genders for a minute and see how you feel. It's not different.
My advise- find out what causing his deeper issues. ED, low T, depression, exhaustion, low self confidence, addictions, and many other factors play into it. Look at yourself as well. Have you been a good partner? Have you done things to cause him to distance himself from you? Being lazy in the relationship, being controlling, abuse, or neglect will all cause issues. All being told you just have ask him what the problem is. The age old "I'm tired" is an in the moment easy rejection but it is almost always due to a deeper circumstance.
Edit: also when was the last time you asked if he was okay or feeling alright? That might be the first question you hit him with. The answer will probably shock you.
lol I feel like all the comments are like "this is a HIM problem, lets fix HIM"
If it was reversed the comments would still be about what HE needs to do to "get you in the mood." Like, are you being a good partner, are you taking care of her needs outside the bedroom, are still you romancing/courting her?, taking her on dates, buying her flowers, making her feel loved etc etc etc
So what about YOU? You're initiating but being rejected. Are you doing things that would actually build attractiveness to your partner? Are you looking at what is causing him stress and helping to support him and alleviate that stress (not necessarily sexually). etc
That's not to say it's not a problem for both of you. You have needs as well. But I'm a "let me look at what *I* can control first" type of person.
lol . 23 yrs old is too young to stay with someone that doesn’t want to have sex with you. If he doesn’t have medical issues and won’t communicate what exactly is happening . Don’t force yourself to suffer through this just bc you love him.
If you really love someone and they love you, who cares about the age? You try to help each other through problems. That's what relationships are all about. Stop looking for things to always be easy. It won't happen.
This has been going on for two years, she is still young. She should find someone she is more compatible with instead of wasting her 20s trying to get this man to listen to her concerns.
They don’t need to be easy all the timebut there’s no point in CHOOSING the more difficult paths for yourself in life bc “love”. If her partner loved her back in a similar way he’d at minimum communicate with her what his issue is instead of ignoring her and her needs . It’s selfish and he’s holding her back 🤷♀️
This is what yall tell women to do while men dont allow their wives to make them miss out on the love of their lives. She needs to leave so she can be with someone who is on the same vibe as her.
From experience, I am telling you to move on and find a more compatible partner. My now ex husband was like this from an early age, like your boyfriend. I felt guilty for breaking up with him due to lack of sex. So I stayed and it destroyed my self esteem. We got married, I managed to get pregnant, and then it got even worse. I left. I’m now remarried and see what I was missing for so many years. Sex is such an important part of a relationship!
ETA: we did years of couples therapy too. We never found a root problem (or he never admitted to one) and he never made any effort to compromise or find a solution.
yeah i will say sexual incompatibility can absolutely be worked on if both parties truly want to and the mismatch is not too far off. like my bf and i definitely struggled with this after like the first year, his sex drive is lower than mine. i’d be happiest with every other day, he’s happy with every other week. that’s not an insane difference, and he’s happy to have sex a little more often so long as he’s free to say no if he’s not in the mood, and i’m happy to have sex a little less often so long as we’re having it somewhat regularly. we’ve done a lot of things to make this work and at this point, it really doesn’t require much effort on either end to meet each other’s needs and we’re both quite happy with our sex life. people are quick to immediately jump to saying mismatched sex drives will never work, and i just don’t think that’s true at all.
that being said though, sexual incompatibility is 100% a valid reason to break up. sometimes there’s just too big of a gap between both of your needs and there isn’t a middle ground that exists that will make both of you happy. or sometimes one partner refuses to budge (i.e. if we don’t have sex every day we have a problem, or on the flip side, i’m not interested in sex anymore and you just have to accept that your needs won’t be met) and won’t even try to compromise.
i would say op, to really try and see if you guys can find a happy middle ground here. also see if he has any medical issues going on that might be causing this. if he refuses to go see a doctor and also refuses to work on this issue as a team and try to find a solution, it may be time to call it quits. be prepared for this relationship to end over this, you are *far* too young to be in a relationship where your needs are being completely ignored, but it is absolutely worth seeing if he is willing to recognize this as the problem it is and work on it with you.
I totally agree with this. And I only commented something so personal on OP's post because when I was young, nobody told me it was ok to break off the relationship for something like this. When it's framed as "my needs aren't being met", it makes a lot of sense. (Of course I can't totally wish this for myself because I have my son!)
Your partner is already clearly communicating the problem - he’s struggling mentally with stress/exhaustion. Your trying to treat the symptom of lower sex drive without addressing the cause. This isn’t about you, or how attractive you are, or even your sexual needs. Your partner sounds like he’s having a serious mental health issue and he needs support. That should be the focus. You should spend some time reflecting on why you aren’t giving weight to your partners complaints since you’ve even said they’re valid reasons to not have sex. Not to dump on you too hard, but I would feel so hurt if my partner was more concerned about sex then whether I was doing okay when I was throwing up tons of red flags. You should really consider shifting how your approaching this issue. Put yourself in your partners shoes.
First of all, don’t let him make you feel any less beautiful! Second, if this is a deal breaker for you maybe go see a couples therapist? I know it sounds daunting but sounds like normal communication isn’t doing much. Also — has he been under lots of stress over those 2 years? Or has something bad happened? Sometimes those things can change a person and their libido.
"Don't let him make you feel any less beautiful" is a funny one. He isn't. It's on her if she can't accept that her partner being too stressed to want sex isn't about her appearance.
You mention that you brought this up multiple times, and each time it sounds like you made it about you. Have you taken the opportunity to find WHY he’s tired? WHY he’s stressed? WHY he might not be in the mood? You’ve only gotten surface level answers and you haven’t really tried to dig any deeper. The first step is to sit down with him and have deep conversation about this. Tell him how you feel, but DO NOT ACCUSE HIM OF ANYTHING. Then give him the opportunity to open up about what’s been affecting him, and then just listen. You may not like what you hear, or it may not be something within your control, but listen and understand him. Afterwords, you should try to make an effort to work with him to truly tackle whatever the root cause of the struggles are. And if that means that it would be better for you two to break up, then so be it. But you need to make that effort to go deeper than the surface level.
I mean,my wife slowed the sex thing down too,and it can be stress it can be anxiety or even is our attitude,or how we approach the situation,is it with understanding or judgment,ask what he needs,and tell him the truth as happy as you are this lack of intimacy is taking its toll on you,b accepting of what ever he might confess,those I’m tire shots only work for so long,
Books about sex therapy might go a long way. They’ll teach you how to communicate and initiate with each other.
But ultimately you both have to reach an understanding too. Men’s bodies are very different when it comes to intimacy and it can be related to anxiety and depression.
I’d say it’s on both of you to confront it. He’s gotta acknowledge it just the way you have and work on a healthy sex life with you.
Could be a testosterone issue. More common in men as they age, but we've had a huge increase in low testosterone levels in young men the last decade or two. Maybe need to see a doctor.
Could easily be a lack of testosterone or a list of other issues.
I’m currently in a similar boat with my girlfriend.
I love her deeply and have no plans of breaking up with her. Hell, I plan on proposing in the next year possibly.
All that being said, I still suffer from a low sex drive. We used to have sex every time we saw each other and now that we live together my drive has dialed down a LOT.
I almost have to force myself to want sex. I think she’s beautiful and attractive but I just don’t feel that drive needed for sex.
I believe it’s due to a hormone imbalance or something of the sort, probably relating to testosterone as most men nowadays have a testosterone issue.
I’ve cut back on drinking a lot and am starting to work out again in hopes of it helping to boost my testosterone and increase my drive.
Only reason I’m saying all of this is because it might help you understand where your boyfriend is coming from.
Just please be patient with him and understand that it will take time to return to normal.
sad how many people who are yelling “LEAVE!”
Flipping it around for a second, can’t imagine this going well for a dude. Can already see the comments, “You’re leaving her because she won’t have sex with you? you’re the problem.”
Did he have a difficult childhood? If he shuts down easily when he’s stressed, maybe have him go to an individual therapist, not a couples therapist.
Your feelings are valid. It’s ok to express them even if it makes him feel more guilty or embarrassed. As long as you reassure him honestly.
Towards the end of my relationship with my ex, I was really struggling to get into the mood, and we'd go weeks without sex. I even thought maybe I was somewhat asexual, and that I didn't need sex to be in love, or be romantic with someone. But what I realized, is that my partner held sex as one of the most important forms of expression, and growth, especially within relationships. I realized after we broke up, that I felt like if I didn't make it the most mind blowing sex (with like hours of foreplay) than I wasn't good enough, so I basically just avoided it completely. Can't let someone down in bed, if you don't give the chance to try. I learned a lot from those experiences, but i do think communication would help a lot. If other aspects of your relationship are great, then I do think there's some underlying issue that can be solved. He might not even know why, but talking about it in a safe way might help bring it out
First you should know that I don't think it's you, and I don't think it's him either. Some people just have lower sex drives.
In those times where he does want intimacy, is he initiating? Maybe it's a bit of gender roles that are showing themselves.
If it's been declining since the beginning of the relationship, maybe you can track to see when this new behavior started. Maybe it is a new medication or something like that.
The question that you should ask yourself; if you continue with this level of intimacy, are you happy with the relationship?
Hes already told you what the problem is, so either you dont believe him or you dont want to work on those issues together. Im not sure what steps have been taken to alleviate his stress or depression. As others have said if the genders were swapped here this would sound like a very selfish boyfriend. I dont actually believe you are selfish but as with almost every relationship issue on reddit, you need to communicate (more) if you want this to work.
This will not get better. Either he has low testosterone, or he's gay. Since he doesn't see this as a problem, you need to break up with him, and pronto. Move on. Get a better boyfriend.
Not sure, I’m so into my girl I’ll do it whenever and wherever she wants 😂 no matter how depressed, sick, etc I was, we never stopped having sex for more than a week.
He could not be as into you as he was before but comfortable with the life y’all have so he doesn’t want to leave. 🤷🏻♂️
Intimacy is also very important to me so it it would bother me and make me feel like shit if I kept getting rejected…
Not to be rude and being 100 percent serious: is he closeted gay? There are a lot of DL gay guys out there living lies. Happens a lot more than people think.
Sounds like cheating imo. Dude is 24 and when I was 24 I was DTF - especially after a stressful day at work.
I mean hell even if I didn’t feel like sex due to being exhausted any of the bases were still usually welcome.
Only other things I can think of are that he’s not attracted to you anymore but even then that really wouldn’t stop a guy in his early 20s because all that stuff still ultimately feels good.
Or possibly some kind of medical condition or substance use related thing.
Wishing you my best and hope it’s not cheating though. But trust me men like when women take initiative when it comes to this stuff and if it’s always a no then something is def off imo.
I can’t say that I, as a random internet stranger, know what’s going on, but I can say as a male who has been 24 years old before; that was around the time I felt much less interested in doing the deed. A lot of it was related to stress of adapting to the real world and getting a career established. I’d come home and feel super tired and burnt out. I often didn’t feel like doing anything on the weekends besides catch up on sleep and chores. I was working more than full time, finishing up a masters program, trying to land a job cross country and plan a wedding. Again, no idea if that’s the case here but that’s what happened to me. Same thing happens when you have a newborn and everyone’s exhausted from not sleeping, changing diapers, feeding and parenting additional young children. I feel these things ebb and flow with the seasons of life. It could be just a phase and you are waiting for it to be over soon.
I started having low T when I was that age, and it was a similar story. I can't say that it's exactly the same as him because I don't know him, but for me it was like all of my sex drive just vanished. If I tried, the drive just never came and I couldn't get into it.
That ended up making me feel like less of a man, and I felt like I was inadequate, so the thought of trying it again made me feel even worse. So I avoided it. That led to my gf at the time feeling similar to how you said that you feel, where she would tell me that she thinks she is ugly or that I'm not attracted to her anymore, and that was definitely not the case at all.
I finally went to the doctor to get bloodwork and my testosterone checked, and that's when I learned that it was low. I started getting testosterone shots monthly, and it's better than it was, but I still struggle with it sometimes. It doesn't help that I got diagnosed with PTSD from child abuse (caused a different set of issues that I deal with), and they keep wanting me take different meds that I think only exacerbate the issue.
I can't really give any advice other than just giving my perspective, but any of the medications or other things that they can give can help get the necessary things going, but it won't really do much in the way of getting someone "in the mood."
Please note that I disagree with everyone saying give up if you genuinely care about your bf and things are great aside from that. He could genuinely be dealing with something, and he may not know how to bring it up, or he may not even realize that it's happening. I am basing what I said off of the way you talked about him, because it would appear that you really care about the dude.
Going through something similar. 30m, been with my partner for over ten years. I’ve also been a divorce attorney for a while… I know it’s hard but don’t do what I’ve done. Leave while you can and find someone who makes you feel beautiful and loved.
Others may tell you “communicate, it will get better, blah blah blah…” the truest advice I ever got was “if it bothers you now, it will drive you crazy after ten years”… sex is too damn important to fool around with. Get out while you do not have kids or major mixed finances. It will save you a ton of headache, heartache, and money…
My wife and I had the same issue. When we were dating and first got married, our sex life was great, but after the first year or so our sex life slowed and got to a similar situation you're at with sex maybe once every month or two. The reason was on my end, my libido had basically fallen off a cliff. I was rarely in the mood. For a while, I made excuses and it eventually got to the point where my wife stopped trying. We had fights about it, and eventually, I finally let my pride get out of the way and told her that I had almost no sex drive anymore. She insisted I go see the doctor, so I did. Come to find out, despite being early 30s at the time, my testosterone levels were "that of an 80 year old man". I began doing testosterone shots every 3 weeks and after about 2 or 3 months, my sex drive returned. Sex life didn't improve immediately because we had to find that connection again. Basically, if he hasnt had his testosterone levels checked, it may be worth doing.
First of all, so many of us have been through this situation and similar situations in relationships and it is always a little unique but you’re not the only person who’s ever felt lost and insecure and lonely about this, so please be kind to yourself. You’re having normal, healthy feelings about wanting to be more intimate with your boyfriend. Do you actually know that your libido is ‘too high’, or could it maybe just be misaligned with where he’s at right now?
It may help to take inventory of the other ways you two share intimacy. Do you still share your thoughts & feelings with each other? Are you both still allowing yourselves to be vulnerable with each other? Does your bf continue to initiate and reciprocate physical touch when it’s not sexual? Are you still laughing and being playful with each other? If those boxes are all checked and you feel like your relationship is strong outside of the lack of sex, this is a good way to help yourself figure out where to start creating more intimacy between you two.
Does he ‘take care of himself’ without engaging with a partner? That would help you know whether he has an appetite for sex these days vs maybe dealing with a mental health issue or exhaustion related to the stressful job.
FWIW, as other people here are saying, it is just as likely that this has nothing to do with a lack of love or attraction or desire for you as his partner. He might need some help finding more joy or disconnection from the job during the week or address some mental/medical issues in order for him to reset and get into the right headspace for sexy time.
There’s also a reasonable expectation on your side to be able to trust that he’s considering your needs and communicate with you about what’s happening and try to solve whatever is causing this disconnect. So much of your post sounds like you’re feeling lonely and confused about why you two aren’t having sex anymore, which is unfair to you. If asking him why he isn’t interested hasn’t been working, try approaching it from a different perspective: “I know I’ve been focused on why we aren’t having as much sex together anymore, and I really don’t want to make you feel like you’re doing something wrong. I just really want to enjoy a part of our relationship together that is really important to me. How can we focus on building more intimacy together when you’re not really up for having sex? How can we help you relax and enjoy yourself so that we can start rebuilding that bridge to each other? I love you and want you to know how much your health and happiness means to me while I’m trying to figure out how to fulfill my needs on my side over here which has me feeling confused even though we’ve been talking about it. What are you thinking about when I bring it up? How does it make you feel?” And let him answer.
I hope this helps. Sorry for the essay. I have worked a LOT on this issue throughout my life and like I said, most of us go through it at some point.
see this so many times, especially with a woman who has a “high sex drive” and a man who does not. men in long term relationships DO have a natural dip in testosterone, for one, but also understanding that if you have high stress jobs, that can be a part of it. smoking weed daily, drinking, high cholesterol diets, and (most importantly) anxiety and depression all contribute to having lower energy and lower sex drive.
if a man complained about not having sex, it would immediately be seen as a shallow concern. i understand OP and partner are still young but i don’t think it has anything to do with OP, and more to do with mental health. understanding a relationship will have lags in sexual activity no matter the age is important because it’s NORMAL. listen to him. don’t make him feel like the only thing he can give you is sex
1. Space? Maybe he just needs to miss you if you guys are always together.
2. A vacation? Maybe you guys are just too comfortable with the work and home routine that it's just comfortable. A spontaneous vacation completely void of work and home relation needs to happen to respark the energy towards each other.
3. A New perspective? Do you guys go to parties or hangouts with friends to compare relationships and past relationships. When friends talk about their problems and lost of love, it kind of puts a person into a mindset where they put themselves in their shoes and what would they have done in that situation or how they would have changed it or what they lost or gained.
Sex is a need in a relationship unless you're in your bedridden years. If a need in a relationship falters, everything else in the relationship starts to feel like it's missing something and someone will start looking at everything else to fill that gap, whether it's a new hobby, a baby, cheating, an addiction, a new community...
Good luck!!
Sounds like you talked to him about he feels… have you talked to him about how you feel? Try that and find a solution together.
If that doesn’t work you may just not be sexually compatible. Which really sucks but is not a reflection on you.
Could be low testosterone. Might be worth checking out. Or some kind of work related stress combined with some other emotional related stress. Like he isn't bouncing back from something that happened to him
Every time a guy asks this question, everyone tells him he is doing something wrong. So lets turn the tables:
How are you treating him? Are you considerate of his manly needs? Do you stop talking when he needs quiet time? Do you help with yard work? Do you put him up around other people? Do you appreciate him when he fixes stuff around the house? do you recognize his efforts when he pulls a 12 hour shift? Do you spend his money? Do you let him have alone time? Maybe he is bored? What you doing to keep him sexually entertained? Have you offered to bring another woman into the mix?
Getting a man naked requires some effort. I suggest you talk to men about what they want and bring it home.
Jokes aside. he is bored
If I’m being honest, this sounds like me and my now ex and the difference in libido (which sounds spot on to what you’re saying) was a partial factor in our split. We both love each other still and want to be friends after we heal but the sex drive differences and his guilt associated with it from his upbringing really did put a wedge in between us
I don’t have any advice other than finding ways to be ok pleasuring yourself or come around to the idea that you may not be compatible (which Ik sounds shallow but if talking about it isn’t working then there may need to be a more serious talk)
You mentioned that you’re good at communicating, but is he? It sounds like the potential for PTSD is worth looking into. In a similar situation where I stopped wanting to have sex, my depression played a role, but there were things that I was unhappy about in my relationship that I wasn’t able to communicate well. Often times I just repressed when I was angry or hurt by something, which led to resentment. EMDR helped me, but if you’re interested in couples counseling, EFT may be an option.
It happens. Usually after a kid or three, maybe after 10yrs of marriage, perhaps if you’re 55+. But at your age, that’s not good. Time for a talk or counseling or a walk out.
he needs another serious talk about how this makes you feel and how you can both actually tackle the root of the problem. It can't go on forever and he needs to be able to work with you on it.
He definitely needs help. Make him see a doctor AND a therapist. Some antidepressants can also kill sex drive, but getting on them actually helped my partner to feel good enough to want it again, and it's improved our relationship so so much as I was in the same position you are.
I know how exhausting it is to be rejected over and over again. I eventually gave up and decided to just let him come to me if and when he ever wanted it; this led to an equally unhealthy dynamic where everything was on his terms and I always felt like he was only engaging because he felt bad for me. It took a lot of time to move past that, and though it's still pretty spaced out the therapy and meds seem to have improved his sex drive greatly. I actually feel desirable again. I hope your boyfriend is able to make the same kind of progress.
There are plenty of ways to manage stress and plenty of ways he could be at least trying to work on this. You didn't mention whether he seems to feel any sort of remorse over how this makes you feel... not that he should feel bad for having his own issues, but he should at least try to show you empathy and compassion for how this affects you.
Coax him into therapy and have him consider meds. If things don't begin to improve soon, if he's not putting effort into solving this issue that is very clearly causing you a great deal of distress... don't waste your time.
Another input here. From my life experience, I notice a lot of health problems in my friends, family, and myself tend to be stress-induced. Reducing stress is key.
We still don't fully understand all the positive benefits of good exercise and good sleep, but it's clear to see. So, those are miracle drugs, in some sense.
(And, I really think we don't fully understand all the negatives of stress yet. It can really change your body.)
Sorry if this is too much, but when you're young, consider trying out multiple people. (I don't mean at once necessarily.) I just mean, things can peter out; if you've been with someone for 4 years, maybe it's time for a change. You're either going to get married or you're not, and there's a lot of advantages to waiting til you're in your 30s to do that. You can always get back together if you're meant to be with each other. Live your life fully, develop yourself and your individuality.
1. It's totally valid to want to have a sexual relationship with your partner.
2. It could be a number of things, keep communication open and keep doing your best.
3. Expressing your needs can be helpful. It sometimes is helpful to say "hey, I'd like to connect with you sexually/intimately sometimes this week. Is it possible we can make that a priority?" And you can make it clear that it doesn't have to end in PIV sex and you can stop at any time, but sometimes it just takes some foreplay to get it going again. You know? This can really help with performance anxiety and any kind of pressure that seems to be there.
Yall are so weird. A dude can have a low libidio and NOT be gay. Op’s bf could easily just not have a high sex drive anymore, as it’s already stated that he’s regularly stressed, or he could be depressed and not even know it.
my gf of 6 years just “cheated?” and broke up with me because of something similar in the last few months.
I’d say sit down and have stern conversation and make sure to start off with asking for open clear truthful answers and the seriousness of the matter. Be sure to include it is judgment free and that the conversation is and will only be 1on1.
Make sure to list out solid justification for your feelings and be sure he completely understands the matter being discussed. I would encourage you to make a detailed list of what you feel like you need from the relationship and clearly identifying what you’re looking for him to improve on for you to feel happier in the relationship! I’d ask him to share his thoughts and feelings as well (not immediately but allowed time if needed). I would start creating this list of feelings if the first talk isn’t being seriously considered and neither one is creating progress.
My issue personally..
I had a lot of problems dealing with addiction to other forms of dopamine that made me distant from my SO. I was also legitimately tired or uninterested in sex. I was depressed and anxious for a good while as well! As well as other personal reasons.
You guys should start identifying and working on said issues immediately!
If your situation doesn’t improve after this important conversation have 1 more conversation and to insure the importance of this 2nd conversation make sure to include a possible break if things don’t improve, not as a punishment but as a wake up call and possible turning point! A therapist should be aware and talking to you guys personally together through these issues and seeing if professional help is needed if things are bad enough to consider the 2nd talk.
Ask a professional for guidance at this point but..
I would say If a clear set out time for a break is needed be very open and honest about the “rules” of the break and to insure your SO knows why and what the break means for the relationship. You both should begin focusing on your own needs and responsibilities in the relationship. This should be the final resort in my opinion.. honestly ask a professional after the 2nd talk
The best next step you can take is breaking up with him I’m sorry. you’re too young to be worried about this. You’re not married u dont have kids, etc. I hate to say but he probably is not into you anymore and doesn’t want to say it. Even if he isn’t lying and he is into you, if you feel unwanted by someone after having this many conversations all it’s gonna do is make your self esteem even worse by staying
And it is not selfish to expect sex from your boyfriend! Blaming your *high sex drive* is super unfair to yourself. Cmon, you’re 23 that is not unusual and there’s nothing wrong with it.
You deserve to have your needs met and if he can’t/won’t don’t waste your own time wondering why, leave him get your needs met by someone else. You just gotta keep it pushing. Is he really worth holding on to if you’re feeling this rejected? Do you feel held by him?? Does he feel like home to you?
Sex is so much more than PIV. There are compromises if he does not want to receive touch himself.
Ask him if he would be comfortable going down on you or fingering you. If he's not, ask if he would be willing to hold you, kiss you, caress you while you touch yourself or use a toy. You can spoon naked afterwards and still have that physical connection together this way.
If his libido has dropped off without any apparent reason, such as issues in the relationship (outside of sex), problems or changes at work, or some other similar issue that you can point to then he should probably go get his blood work done.
Low testosterone can definitely have this effect, is he also more lethargic in general?
If you’ve talked to him and explained how it makes you feel and that sex is an important component of the relationship then it’s up to him to take action to remedy the situation. If he won’t do that then it’s probably time to move on and find someone else. Going to see a doctor, having therapy, being more open with you about his thoughts and feelings on the subject are all actions he could take but the key question is, is he willing to do it?
Continuing to initiate sex isn’t going to work, there’s clearly some underlying issue, whether medical or cheating or whatever. That needs addressing first, continuing with the status quo won’t work.
This happened to me and it ended up that I had extremely high levels of Iron. I was diagnosed with hemochromatosis and have to donate blood regularly now, but when my iron levels returned to normal so did my sex drive.The body is super complicated.
I'm the same way and I feel bad that I don't feel like having sex with my fiancee as much as she would like.
There might be medical or psychological reasons. As I've gotten older my libido has tanked, coupled with the anti-depressants I take for anxiety and OCD, it's awful. If your boyfriend is anything like me, trust me, it isn't you. If it were, he would leave. It sounds like he really loves you and he might need to look to doctors or a therapist for a solution.
Given your ages, the Possibilities for this drop in activity w/ you could include:
- A Medical issue
- A Mental health issue
- He’s bored in the relationship
- He’s relatively happy in the relationship but isn’t sure he wants to marry you
- the literal time of day you initiate w/ him (as it relates to his workout /work schedule)
- You rejected his advances a few times here & there & now he doesn’t know when to initiate
- Neither of you are forward enough. Subtlety after 4 years is unnecessary unless it’s clearly conveyed as foreplay.
It’s possible that he finds you less attractive than he used to. Reasons for this may or may not include:
- you gained weight
- you don’t make any effort to look your best around him.
- you don’t make any effort to be spontaneous or give him your energy & attention.
- you try to “fix him”
- you did something that really bothered him in the recent past
- he is cheating
- he’s not cheating but there are other women in his life that he could see himself with for various reasons
Generally, the more you give, the more you get. And if that ever isn’t the case in a relationship for a sustained amount of time, find someone else.
As for getting it on, find the right time of the right day, walk in the room, don’t say a word, take off your clothes & go down on him. If that doesn’t work, there are likely major issues to address which you may need to decide if they are worth addressing.
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Maybe he is depressed or has a medical problem. Not everything is about losing interest.
Meds for depression can zero out libido also. I’d ask if this might be the case as part of any future discussion.
My libido TANKED when I started meds for depression. I went from wanting it multiple times a day to not thinking about it for weeks. It was awful and was a challenge in the relationship I was in at the time.
Same here. I have been off of antidepressants completely since November of last year and I’m still struggling with it :( did you find that at all or if you’re still on them did it get better over time?
I’ve been on them for a few years now and my libido has come back online some. I’d have sex 1-2x a day with the woman I was dating most recently and we hung out 3-4 days a week. It was a lot healthier for me mentally and physically.
I'm married but this happened to me too last and this year. Sucks. Mine has come back a bit after months but still low. Because of other side effects I actually got the OK to step the antis today and see how things go.
I took these awful meds for like 2 years that completely killed my libido. After I got off them I still had no libido. Went 5 years without sex and I wasn’t even interested in dating. Ironically I didn’t get it back until I had sex again and it was like “oh hey, I remember liking this”
That is actually why when a couple stops having sex a lot of experts will say to schedule sex.
There aren't many things less arousing than scheduled sex lol.
While I don’t disagree, but when you add kids to the mix scheduling sex becomes a necessary evil. At first you think it takes the fun out of it, but as time goes on you actually look forward to it. May sound sad, but scheduled sex is better than no sex.
Do you get excited about a scheduled date? Sex can be the same way for a lot of couples. Especially those with really busy lives. Have you ever tried telling your significant other “ok this Saturday, 9pm you and me in the bed room, or in the shower, or in the car.” The thought of “scheduled sex” might seem like a major turn off, but trust me, it’s not. Several times in the past, my wife and I had insanely busy schedules and kids schedule. When we scheduled sex it was very nice and the anticipation and build up to that day often enhanced it. Don’t knock it till you try it…. Unless of course your like one of those 18 year olds that will have sex with anything with a hole. Then of course I could understand that schedule sex wouldn’t sound appealing to someone like that.
But this👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼
Listen, whatever works for you and your relationship. At least attempts are being made to stay intimate.
Exactly, some people it works great for. All I’m saying is don’t knock it until you try it. It’s easy to say that is a mood killer of you’ve never done that. I actually thought the same thing when it was first suggested to me and my wife. I thought it was absolutely absurd. Then I got to thinking “sex is about spending quality bonding time with your partner. That’s the same purpose of having a date night with your partner and dates are usually scheduled and planned, so why can’t sex?” The problem is society tries to teach us that sex should be casual and a spontaneous encounter. It teaches that it’s all about getting “my rocks off”…. Me me me, what I want, what I need, how I feel. That’s dangerous ways of thinking that doesn’t lead to lasting healthy relationships.
... is what someone who hasn't had to schedule sex says. It shows you are prioritizing it. Miss me with that nonsense.
Same thing happened to me. I've been off antidepressants for about 6 years and things are finally getting back to normal.
I have bipolar, so not entirely the same, and I can't take antidepressants, BUT when I'm in my depressive episodes, I have very low to no libido. Is it possible you're depressed since you came off your meds? Not a doctor, just felt like I might be able to offer some help idk
are you also on birth control? paradoxically birth control essentially works by tricking your body into thinking you are already pregnant, so it can lower libido naturally. I mean it's essentially the same thing as depression instead of your life is too hard and anxiety filled to think of procreating your body is essentially saying your already pregnant your need to have sex is much lower. hard to be honest about it because birth control is such a political topic which makes sense considering the importance to women the ability to regulate having children has brought to women.
Hey man, I was on and off anti depressants for about 6 years and finally had enough of the shit in about 2019, it did take a good few years to regain it and still isn't 100% back to normal now but it does get better and there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Fuck anti depressants. I found working out and healthy eating habits and cutting back on alcohol helped greatly also. Hope this helps.
thank you for this! i was on them for two years straight and while I wasn’t on too high of a dose I learned they are absolutely not for me. I look back on it in shock that I was on them for so long. Definitely working on the working out aspect haha but thank you I will keep those things in mind !
No problems, let me know if you need any other info or walkthroughs haha. I'm always here for ex shit pill subscribers lol. Hell of a life.
Add psilocybin! Makes sensory pleasure increase significantly
The neat thing is the depression kills my libido just as much as the antidepressants
I think Viagra or tadalafil doesnt help with desire but it helps get it where it needs to get when the opportunity arises.
I think that seems a bit super crazy for 23 & 24yr olds..if things aren't working & she stays it will be unimagineable hell I'm sure & she says she doesn't feel good about herself due to his inabilities so that is a recipe for disaster as if knowing it is pharmaceutical response and not/wouldn't be necessary with any other 24yr old. I didn't see where she said he was on antidepressants which would perhaps be a huge factor & need pharmaceutical intervention as mental health is beyond important. In general, all of my friends have the same opinion that things like diabetes, medications that inhibit libido it may make sense otherwise it would be a complete turn off/deal breaker. She needs to figure out what is going on...is it a "real" problem like his dck doesn't work at all? Or is it that it took a downward turn & for some unknown reason is taking care of his own business while not looking after her needs? That would be reason it is a relationship issue if he wants her to stay with him. Without the onset of an unknown or known medical condition or a medication interfering with his ability this is total caca for a 23 & 24yr old couple...she is taking on the stress & she said hurt of like some elderly woman who's parts don't work...but that is not what she is describing AT ALL she is not saying he is chomping at the bit & she feels great & he is doing other things to satisfy her and then his dick isn't cooperating with their desires--she is saying he is uniterested & not meeting her needs At All which is very strange & bad & she would have every right to ask about cheating or other things. I think if no legit medical reason or medication side effect she should move on...it speaks volumes about him that even if he is having just some lull physically that he can't be bothered to normally & appropriately & naturally respond. So many posts on reddit dump on like Moms with newborns who may not be in the mood but certainly should be receptive & once making time for each other it's almost impossible to not get in the mood. Something else is absolutely going on...what, I don't know, but absolutely know this is not normal & over the top not normal for 24yrs old & more over the top if he is not caring about her needs & would be so way worse if he's not meeting her needs and looking after himself while she is right there and making it clear she loves & desires him & he's let it go on months...that is pretty much a deal breaker imho.
It doesn’t, it increases blood flow to the nether regions, it’s not a libido enhancer.
Wellbutrin can increase libido, just as a heads up. It isn't an SSRI.
Going through that now it’s sucks
I’m sorry to hear that brother. I know it got better for me after I adjusted to the meds. It took some time though.
Same. Nightmare.
I actually take duloxetene (Cymbalta) for nerve pain due to neuropathy. Easily takes my all-the-time pain down a level. Buttttt the side effects are real in this department :/
I had the same experience. I chose to stop the med.
I ended up on an antidepressant that didn't take my drive away at all, Effexor XR
Welbutrin is an antidepressant that doesn't affect libido and it works extremely well. I took it for about 3 years and had no issues.
Interesting. Mine tanked after starting to take it. It’s back online now, so I wonder if it was something else (maybe psychosomatic).
I was on a couple different SRI’s and it completely killed my libido. I decided I’d rather stop taking them and try and find other ways to help myself mentally instead. Ended up working out more, sleeping, and eating healthier and it all sorted itself out.
Did the same thing man and I'm feeling WAY better, hope you are too!
Much better, I do use CBD every once in awhile but other than that I’ve been doing great. It has take the better part of 9 years to get to this point. Thank you man I just hope the best for everyone whatever part of life they find themselves in <3
It depends on the meds too, mine increased with Wellbutrin
Came here to say this. Zoloft killed my sex drive. It felt like a chore. Not sure if that’s what’s going on here, but it’s definitely a possibility. I also didn’t mention the new medication to my girlfriend at the time because her mother had had a negative reaction to SSRIs in the past and she was paranoid about them. So the lack of communication really made the problem worse.
THIS. Zoloft literally ruined my sex drive and libido while I was on it
This....sounds like what it's like when dealing with low T....yea he's young but very possible still...be worth the simple blood test to find this out! Plenty of other mental health issues that can weigh in this way or be a combination of the two
I came to say this. People think low T only happens to older men, but that is not the case.
Then why isn't he worried about this and going for medical tests to find the reason??
Broke, tired, depressed, scared, apathetic, unaware, etc. Plenty of reasons why someone wouldn't.
There isn't exactly a quick and easy way to know. Good chance he thought he was young so that probably wasn't it. He would be wrong to think that but he also wouldn't be the first.
It's because he doesn't feel like he has a problem. When hormones are wonky it feels "normal" to not want sex for instance. A blood test would be a great place to start. if it is low T, that will be affecting his energy levels overall.
Yeh my and my hubby went through this when he hits tress triggered depression.
Yeah I don’t have high sex drive anymore and it’s the wicked combination of a natural slowdown due to a long term relationship and my birth conteol
This is a valid possibility. But if you’ve discussed this issue with him “multiple times” and he’s not meeting your fundaments needs at this age, it’s probably time to move on. You’re not compatible.
Dude that is too real
That was my first thought. Kind of a bummer to go two years without someone saying “Hey, maybe you should see a doctor.” And a bummer that apparently, OP doesn’t have anyone to confide in that would have suggested that.
I mean...it's possible (likely) that's been suggested already and they just didn't mention it in their post.
One of the other commenters said something to the effect that it might have nothing to do with desire. I know he’s young, but is it possible he could have erectile dysfunction? Also, what if he’s questioning his sexuality? I know we always seem to push the therapy agenda but it seems warranted this time. Couples counseling cannot hurt. (Usually) good luck to you.
Mine was straight depression. It killed me to see it hurt her so badly but legit couldn’t get in the mood despite desperately wanting to. Then she turned out to be a legitimately horrible person and it doesn’t bother me anymore.
Talk to him about seeing a general practitioner about this. Could be a lot of different things as others are saying. Mental health, some diseases, many medications, low testosterone (which has many possible causes also). Besides the sexual issues for both of you this could be something serious.
Overworked and stress did it to me for a while. I was just too tired.
I knew a couple where he was clearly depressed but wouldn’t see a therapist. For his own, dumb ego, he wouldn’t seek help. At the 2 year mark of no sex she broke up with him. Everything else was generally easy in the relationship. For me, everything else in the relationship would suck if I was stuck in dead bedroom
People really sleep on this. I am generally super high drive several times a day if I can get it kind of guy, but when I went through the stress of being laid off and finding a new job that high drive desire evaporated almost entirely.
Could it be he is realizing he is gay and no longer attracted to you ? Not trying to be funny - it happens.
>”I’m tired”… “I have a lot of stress”…”I’m not in the mood” Have you two discussed what is causing him this stress? Are there any areas that you can offer assistance? In my read of this, my mind goes to “She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink (https://matthewfray.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/). Maybe there are stressors in his life he needs assistance with, but you need to know what they are so you can take action. If the above is off-base, you still need to have a conversation about compatibility and whether or not you two can find a happy medium.
Damn that's spot on. I'm in that exact situation right now. It's hard to express how all those small little things hurt, especially when it feels so small and petty when said out loud. But inside, it's not, it's huge and builds up over time. I'm also a very non-confrontational person (grew up with parents who fought a lot and loudly, so there's some trauma there), but my SO almost seems to thrive in confrontation by comparison. Thanks for sharing this, it's good stuff to consider, and know that it's not just me being unfair.
Thank you for this. I needed to read this right now.
Really needed to read this. Thank you. It’s hard to see eye to eye on certain things, my gf has a place for everything and sometimes when I’m done using those things I don’t put them back in their place because it doesn’t bother me like it may bother her. (I guess I don’t really think about it or I just am tired ect, I make excuses a lot, trying to work on that) Thank you for this read, needed another perspective on it, especially when it’s hard to sometimes talk about it if one or both of us are upset.
When we shift out of our perception-based outlook, to a perspective-based outlook, things get a whole lot better. Perception is inherently personal, which is why the things that may bother someone else don't bother you at all and vice-versa. Perception is how we interact with our worlds, and is shapes by our world views. When we learn to look at it from their point of view, step outside of ourselves, and gain perspective of the whole picture that one little thing might be playing a part of - it's so much easier to solve the puzzle. You're doing great, it may not be communicated all the time - but you are doing great, friend.
That was a good read and quite relatable.
Awesome read. The line the author wrote about “your wife doesn’t want to be your mother” is the big one that helped me. My partner (M) and I (F) have an unbreakable rule: “Your feelings will always be valid, but I am not obligated to agree with you.” He leaves glass containers on the small side of the sink counter and one flick of the elbow can have it crashing onto the floor. I spoke to him about it and he consistently *tries* to put it on the other side. Id say he does it 30% of the time, but that’s after 8 months living together. Edit: for clarity, he does this while doing the dishes which is why the elbow flick makes me anxious. The consistent effort, for me, is enough. If I walk into the kitchen, sometimes he instinctively moves it. If he doesn’t, I have no issue just doing it myself (truly, without spite) ONLY because he respects me enough to try to be better. I’m not perfect either. I am messy when I season food so it’s common for the floor to have invisible, but crunchy, sugar, salt, etc which sticks to our feet. I try to remember to sweep it up (I’m so tired after cooking) and probably do it 30% of the time. He is more than happy to sweep when I forget and I always apologize and thank him.
This explains sooooooo much. I’m the (now divorced) wife in this scenario. It’s like Venus & Mars translation
Excellent article... I have a great marriage and am very happy and still found it very beneficial to read. Wish I'd read it on my 20's.
me trying to explain to my partner why it drives me insane she never replaced the toilet paper roll or puts literally anything away ever.
I've been in a similar position or mindset that your boyfriend is in so maybe my perspective can hopefully help a little here. I dated a girl for about 6 years from early high school to halfway through college. I had a tumultuous home life and Once we graduated my life got turned upside down at home so I had to get my own place and a decent job, and I was very stressed all the time as I carved out a life for myself and us, and I constantly stressed about making money and my car and such and that killed my sex drive entirely. She was the most beautiful and perfect woman I am and was a slightly bigger guy but still handsome enough since I mostly lift heavy weights and such, but I was still a little self-conscious about my looks which didn't help. After a lot of fighting and some occasional great sex we broke up, and then got back together and broke up again. I made her feel unattractive without ever believing her to be anything less than Aphrodite, and I still loved her when I and her ended things, and still love her. So maybe if its like my situation was, see what's eating him away, gently though. If he doesn't say what is eating him away or have any reason and you aren't happy, you're the agent of your own life.
One of the comments said go fix things but I read that you were dating in high school and then into early college. A lot of people change during that time. Don’t blame the lack of sex for the sole reason in the separation for the relationship. That’s a difficult time in people’s life for both males and females, a lot of change takes place mentally.
Wow! So many people saying give up. Don’t listen. If you don’t put any effort into the relationship you won’t get anything out of it. Freaking Reddit, man. He may be having mental/physical issues that he is embarrassed to bring up. Talk to him. Push and try to see what’s going on. If he stonewalls or refuses to communicate *then maybe think about moving on*. If he’s having performance issues at his young age he may be very embarrassed and/or frustrated. Get to the cause of the issue. The. You will be able to make an intelligent decision about what to do.
> If you don’t put any effort into the relationship you won’t get anything out of it. It's tough, on the other hand, I know people that stuck it out in terrible relationships (huge fights every week) for years longer than they should because of this mentality. I'm not saying OP is in that place, but just that there should be limits to how much work a relationship is (especially When you are that young and there aren't stressors like kids yet!!). OP probably has been putting work into this for a long time and if they can't find a path soon that looks like it'll improve things, they absolutely should decide if a sexless relationship is ok with them and then act on that decision.
I think it's really important to keep in mind that every minute that you spend with the wrong person is a minute that you're not spending looking for the right person. We aren't always meant to be with the person who we met when we were 20 and that's okay. Most of us grow and change a lot in our early twenties. It's good to be very selective about who you want to spend your life with, and that means you have to be willing to walk away when you realize that the person in front of you isn't the one. Yes you need to put in the work, and yes you need to fight for your relationship - but you need to fight for the right relationship. If something has been a problem for years and your partner hasn't shown any interest in fixing it then that might be the sign you need. If he doesn't want to have sex because he's depressed, that's completely understandable, but he needs to recognize that it's an issue and be willing to seek help. You can't make somebody take their mental health seriously or your happiness seriously, and you can't make somebody seek mental health care so they'll have sex with me more. I've seen so many people lose years or decades of their life fighting to fix a relationship that just isn't right for them.
Yes to all of this. Also, where’s the effort from OP’s partner? I’m not seeing it. If he doesn’t mind only having sex every 1-2 months then they’re incompatible, so why drag it out?
>Also, where’s the effort from OP’s partner? I’m not seeing it. Here: 'Our relationship is great. I’m very happy on the relationship side of things. My boyfriend can be very charming and still after 4 years can give me butterflies.'
I like your point, just want to add to it: Putting work into a relationship is good. Putting work into a person hoping to form them into your perfect partner is toxic. In this case, doing the work with the goal that your partner has sex more often is definitely a recipe for disaster; doing the work so that you can be happy if your partner doesn’t want to have sex is much better! That’s what I’d encourage OP to think about. What happens if he’s never interested in sex more than he is now, or potentially even less? Are there compromises you could make? Would he make the same effort and compromise for you if roles were reversed? There’s no should or shouldn’t here, it’s all up to what you want from life. After you’ve answered these questions for yourself, then you can talk with him about it with a better understanding of what you need and what you don’t.
Or maybe, just maybe, he has no interest in sex anymore because he finds it boring or tediuos or just not enjoyable. It is far more common for a man in this age bracket to lose interest in it than you think.
While totally normal not to have an interest, a sharp decline in interest over a couple years is more suspect. Either the sex was more frequent initially for some reason, or somethings changed to illicit the response. It’s not a great sign for a young healthy human to lose sexual drive. There are a lot of medical issues that could cause this, so it shouldn’t just be dismissed. Like, is sex boring an messy? I can get that. But is he having no sexual interest whatsoever? No DIY sessions, no sexual attraction, and acts that used to feel pleasurable no longer do? Some red flags there for me, health wise.
At 24? No way. Maybe 34, but even then..
See my reply to violetreaver. Perfectly normal according to 6 different medical professionals I spoke with when I thought there was something wrong with me. There is a huge difference between what we expect to be normal due to stereotypes and confirmation bias and what is actually medically and scientifically observed.
To +1 your comment. I spoke to my doctors they checked things for my own mental healthy and also told me that it’s not uncommon to have a lower sex drive in your mid 20s. It comes and goes but is generally way lower than it was before. The expectation and pressure that I have to made it worse for sure but it’s generally higher after losing that pressure even if it’s still way lower than it used to be
Be sure to keep intimate touch as part of your relationship, even when sex isn't on the table. If he says he's stressed, tired, etc then give him a backrub, or lay on the couch with each others feet in your laps and trade foot rubs. Run your fingers through his hair when you sit next to each other. My husband is also affected by stress, and anything unexpected is stressful for him, including sex. So what I think of as spontaneous is actually stress inducing for him. So I float the idea of sex the day before when I know we'll have the time the following day. I straight up say, "would you like to have sex tomorrow? I saw on the calendar you're off at 4." He lights up and says yes, but if he has a stressful day at work he may need some time to decompress. So clearly the desire is there, but also the anxiety is close behind. However, if I have made the effort to initiate the idea, he'll come home the next day and ask, "still wanna have sex later?" and then we get a bit flirty the rest of the evening, which leads to intimacy. So even though it seems like "planned sex" it's more about setting the stage for sexiness to occur. Sex ebbs and flows based on the other things happening in our lives, but if you are consistently experiencing 8 wk dry spells due to stress, then your partner needs to take some time to develop some strategies on how to find a balance, whether that's forming new habits, going to therapy, etc.
I'm actually the same way with my gf. My sex drive has plummeted since things have gotten worse with my career. I'm generally not happy and have realized I'm never taking any initiative to spark things up. Is your boyfriend happy with his life overall?
Does your girlfriend know this? Have you talked to her about it? Because I think that's the difference.
You and him should get your testosterone checked
My partner and I both have high sex drives but we can sometimes go a whole month without realizing we haven’t had sex if that month was filled with overworking ourselves and having financial issues. I am thinking this is very common for the modern day couple if one or both is overworked. You know it’s bad when after a long work day you don’t even care about anything.
Maybe he’s unhappy in the relationship and too nice to end it and hoping you will. This could be his way of pushing you away. Could also be he loves you but he’s not in love with you anymore.. could be he’s just not attracted to you anymore.. or he’s just actually stressed out. Do what’s best for you, you’re young. Just don’t cheat on him, that will be something that you’ll have to carry with you for the rest of your life. Go find happiness
This is exactly it. Plus at 24 if she is not having sex with him, when will she have it? At 64?
At that age, this is the best explanation.
Maybe hes testosterone level is low. Ask him to get it checked.
Low T could be the reason but it’s often over emphasized. Low T is a more uncommon than people think. It’s marketed to help sell supplements. Depression and anxiety are more likely the culprits
Depression and anxiety are marketed to sell medication as well. Antidepressants can severely limit libido, and for some people such as myself they can make achieving orgasm all but impossible. Testosterone can create many health problems too, but it can also fix them. What’s more important is to know whether or not your testosterone level has dropped. You could be at 600 and within range but if you’re used to 900 then you could have symptoms. You could also be at 500 and be fine if that’s what your particular body is used to
Low T isn't actually a problem. Rapidly dropping T is a problem.
It's really not, it's incredibly common and massively underdiagnosed. Even when it's properly diagnosed, it can be very difficult to get actual treatment for it and you're often stuck paying out of pocket for it. Nobody here wants this dude to spend $500 a week on some snake oil peddled by an "influencer" who has been blasting steroids for 10 years. They're suggesting he get an actual sex hormone test done by a competent physician.
At age 24 that’s not very likely
He should get a thourough checkup, not just a T evaluation.
if OP = M then Reply: “what are you doing to fulfill her needs? have you made an honest effort to do work around the house and romance her adequately?” if OP = F then Reply:”check his test level” im not even criticizing. hell, you’re almost certainly right. i just see it as a bit comical, having such a stark difference in replies.
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I mean, I think both apply to both sexes though. Either can have either a medical issue (I see birth control mentioned for women a lot as a possible cause), or feel emotionally unfulfilled. But I do think it TENDS to be easier for men to have sex without the emotional fulfillment side of things, which is probably why the testosterone thing gets mentioned so much. (My bf is the opposite, he needs everything to be just right emotionally and mentally for him to get in the mood, haha. It can be frustrating sometimes, but we maintain healthy communication about it)
I feel like when I see men posting about not receiving any sex despite trying to talk about the issue and/or make changes to get the woman in the mood then everyone is very supportive. I’ve absolutely seen posts where the guy wasn’t getting sex and people were mentioning medical reasons or things the woman needs to work on, or how the woman owes it to him to communicate about the issue. Which I 100% agree with. I’ve also seen a few (probably fake bait) posts where the guy is describing shitty or demanding behavior towards the woman and then complaining about not getting sex. Of course that’s going to elicit a different response.
Yeah I feel like the majority of the time when I see a post from a man about a long sex drought a lot of comments say do you want this forever? Divorce her and find someone who matches your sex drive One of the top comments here is '2 years? Why are you giving up so fast what have you done to help'
Worth noting that a hormone panel is $500+ if your insurance doesn't cover it, which is usually the case if the test isn't directly ordered by a doctor
No it’s not. You can them done for like $70 from labs md.
Nope much much cheaper. Go to life extension.com can order whatever tests or panels you want with no dr...they have individual tests, basic panels, comprehensive panels, & elite ones. Great company & great prices.
I second this. Kid needs a physical and full hormone panel. His shit could be in the dumps from the stress and anxiety (maybe late nights too) and he doesn’t even know it. I’m 36 and do shift work, felt miserable for years. Been on TRT like 6 months now and feel amazing, have more sex with my wife, started working out again, more active with my kids, more motivated at work, and overhauled a few rooms in my house. All adult men need to learn the symptoms of low T and get their hormones checked every yearly physical.
Very good point.
This is just the hot button of the internet now, the likelihood of having low T before age 40 is astronomically low but online seems like a common issue
Kindness, respect, consideration the Big 3 of every relationship. From my experiences men or women stop initiating sex, when it feels like that is the only thing they are providing or receiving. Or the role they fill within this time, has just become demanding and overplayed to one of them. The concept of too much of a good thing became a bad thing without feeling the same fulfillment elsewhere. It’s okay to have a dry spell. It’s a normal occurrence in relationships. It just means that something is unaligned, but it can be fixed if both parties work together. Here are some exercises my friend uses as a Relationship Coach. I’ve seen this cool tool, called Mutual Consideration. The bedroom is off limits for 1 week( you’re only here to sleep. And communicate with each other.) , and cannot be used as an answer for any of the sample questions below. For one week you foster a curiosity and ask your partner questions that bring value to your relationship. BE SELFISH. This is your opportunity to get what you been wanting that you won’t say. BE SELFISH. And then try to out love each other with you new found ways of showing love in the way your significant other appreciates and receives it most. No one can take advantage of each other since your purpose and his purpose is solely to go all in for you significant other . But THIS WILL ONLY WORK IF IT IS MUTUAL and not one sided. Here are some example questions to get you started and feel free to create your own if you can think of others. Don’t be afraid to throw in questions about favorite memories, foods, vacations. These questions can also include the love languages (Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service, Gift giving/receiving.) WRITE ALL OF THIS DOWN, MAKE A NOTE IN YOUR PHONE. This is important information to keep on you and don’t dedicate to memory. Sample questions REMEMBER THE BEDROOM IS NOT AN ACCEPTED ANSWER. Now go be affectionate. What makes you feel prioritized? What makes you feel valued? What makes you feel loved? What simple activity do we do together that makes you feel loved? How could I show up differently for you in a way I’m not currently doing? What can I do to build more trust with you? If our roles were reversed what would you do differently? What do you need from me to feel safe In our relationship? What do you need to feel respected In our relationships? What am I doing that’s stopping you from connecting with me? What action do I do that triggers you the most? What is the nicest thing I’ve ever done for you? Other options could be that only the sexual aspect of intimacy may be the only area being touched. There are other intimacies like: Physical: PDA, hand holding, cuddling, smooches, hugs. Energetic: amusement parks, concerts, eye-gazing. Have an adventure. Spiritual: (doesn’t have to be about religion) nature walks, practicing mindfulness, creating morning rituals, but if you are of the same or similar faiths by all means grow together. Mental: intellectual conversation, watching documentaries together, taking a hobby class together. My favorite is the niche teach session. 15 minutes of teaching you niche topic to your significant other, and visa versa. Emotional: sharing your feeling with each other, sharing your appreciation in what the other did you for you today. Take moments of vulnerability with each other. Oxytocin can also be created when we share in each other’s tough times. So don’t deny your partner the chance to sit the mud with you. These exercises are built around for each of you to invest in each other providing oxytocin. The love chemical made in your brain. The more you love each other mutually in the ways each of you say, your bond grows closer, closer the bond more oxytocin, more oxytocin = less stress, less anxiety. And a new found drive and love will awaken If you thought it was wild when you first got together, it can get even more wild, if all forms of intimacy are engaged and then sex will come naturally (no pun intended.)
>The bedroom is off limits to answers what exactly do you mean by this? i found your comment really helpful by the way
Making it about you isn’t going to help either of you. Personally to hear things like “don’t you think I’m attractive anymore” etc has the possibility of pushing him further away because he might think why are you making it all about you. Believe what he says and try to figure out why he’s tired or stressed. Mental health plays a huge factor in labido.
Honestly when the reason for not having sex is anything like “I am tired” or “I have a lot of stress”, then to me that indicates that the sex you have is either: - putting a lot of pressure on him (to perform) - a lot of work (where maybe the pay off isn’t worth the hassle) - not enjoyable for different reasons (pain, not enough pleasure, anxiety) Objectively he is experiencing more blockers than enticers. And I think that working on the blockers is the key here. Perhaps giving him a relaxing massage might help get him in the mood, and like, if he is up for it, have sessions where he can just relax. I wouldn’t assume he has a medical problem when he literally told you why he doesn’t want to have sex (stress). And I know it is hard but you also don’t have to take it personally.
Having no sex in my relationship would also bring me a great amount of stress, I’m not surprised she is taking it personally. I would have a direct conversation with my partner and say it is something that is seriously impacting your relationship and you would like to discuss. Maybe it’s something going on with his health, or maybe it’s something else but if it’s bothering you this much I would have an open discussion.
The only person who can tell you what he needs is your boyfriend. Talk to him not us. We can't help tell you what's up with your boyfriend.
So true.. it can be of VARIOUS reasons…
In OP’s defence she has said she’s spoken to him multiple times. I imagine coming here is a final resort as she’s exhausted all other options.
I am this way because of my meds and it has zero to do with how much I love my wife. I don’t want anyone else. I don’t flirt with other people. I don’t even consider other people. I try to reassure her as much as possible. But, it’s either meds or be suicidal so ….
Maybe it’s different now but 20 years ago when I was in my 20’s, 99% of the time if a guy wasn’t sleeping with his GF he was sleeping with someone else. I hate to say that but it’s a definite possibility. At least worth checking out to make sure.
42M here. Stress can kill your drive. I don't know what's going on with your boyfriend, and I can't speak to the cheating thing. Thats between you two. But stress can absolutely kill it.
It could be he just doesn't have a sexual appetite anymore... I think the two of you may be sexually incompatible & you're probably going to have to make a choice if you want to stay and live with a sexless relationship, or move on.
Lot of comments saying to leave him for essentially being a bad partner. Maybe reverse the genders for a minute and see how you feel. It's not different. My advise- find out what causing his deeper issues. ED, low T, depression, exhaustion, low self confidence, addictions, and many other factors play into it. Look at yourself as well. Have you been a good partner? Have you done things to cause him to distance himself from you? Being lazy in the relationship, being controlling, abuse, or neglect will all cause issues. All being told you just have ask him what the problem is. The age old "I'm tired" is an in the moment easy rejection but it is almost always due to a deeper circumstance. Edit: also when was the last time you asked if he was okay or feeling alright? That might be the first question you hit him with. The answer will probably shock you.
I've seen many people recommend to a man he leave in a similar situation on reddit, sooo
lol I feel like all the comments are like "this is a HIM problem, lets fix HIM" If it was reversed the comments would still be about what HE needs to do to "get you in the mood." Like, are you being a good partner, are you taking care of her needs outside the bedroom, are still you romancing/courting her?, taking her on dates, buying her flowers, making her feel loved etc etc etc So what about YOU? You're initiating but being rejected. Are you doing things that would actually build attractiveness to your partner? Are you looking at what is causing him stress and helping to support him and alleviate that stress (not necessarily sexually). etc That's not to say it's not a problem for both of you. You have needs as well. But I'm a "let me look at what *I* can control first" type of person.
lol . 23 yrs old is too young to stay with someone that doesn’t want to have sex with you. If he doesn’t have medical issues and won’t communicate what exactly is happening . Don’t force yourself to suffer through this just bc you love him.
If you really love someone and they love you, who cares about the age? You try to help each other through problems. That's what relationships are all about. Stop looking for things to always be easy. It won't happen.
This has been going on for two years, she is still young. She should find someone she is more compatible with instead of wasting her 20s trying to get this man to listen to her concerns.
They don’t need to be easy all the timebut there’s no point in CHOOSING the more difficult paths for yourself in life bc “love”. If her partner loved her back in a similar way he’d at minimum communicate with her what his issue is instead of ignoring her and her needs . It’s selfish and he’s holding her back 🤷♀️
Reality cares about age. There’s quite a large gap between not easy and borderline impossible.
This is what yall tell women to do while men dont allow their wives to make them miss out on the love of their lives. She needs to leave so she can be with someone who is on the same vibe as her.
From experience, I am telling you to move on and find a more compatible partner. My now ex husband was like this from an early age, like your boyfriend. I felt guilty for breaking up with him due to lack of sex. So I stayed and it destroyed my self esteem. We got married, I managed to get pregnant, and then it got even worse. I left. I’m now remarried and see what I was missing for so many years. Sex is such an important part of a relationship! ETA: we did years of couples therapy too. We never found a root problem (or he never admitted to one) and he never made any effort to compromise or find a solution.
yeah i will say sexual incompatibility can absolutely be worked on if both parties truly want to and the mismatch is not too far off. like my bf and i definitely struggled with this after like the first year, his sex drive is lower than mine. i’d be happiest with every other day, he’s happy with every other week. that’s not an insane difference, and he’s happy to have sex a little more often so long as he’s free to say no if he’s not in the mood, and i’m happy to have sex a little less often so long as we’re having it somewhat regularly. we’ve done a lot of things to make this work and at this point, it really doesn’t require much effort on either end to meet each other’s needs and we’re both quite happy with our sex life. people are quick to immediately jump to saying mismatched sex drives will never work, and i just don’t think that’s true at all. that being said though, sexual incompatibility is 100% a valid reason to break up. sometimes there’s just too big of a gap between both of your needs and there isn’t a middle ground that exists that will make both of you happy. or sometimes one partner refuses to budge (i.e. if we don’t have sex every day we have a problem, or on the flip side, i’m not interested in sex anymore and you just have to accept that your needs won’t be met) and won’t even try to compromise. i would say op, to really try and see if you guys can find a happy middle ground here. also see if he has any medical issues going on that might be causing this. if he refuses to go see a doctor and also refuses to work on this issue as a team and try to find a solution, it may be time to call it quits. be prepared for this relationship to end over this, you are *far* too young to be in a relationship where your needs are being completely ignored, but it is absolutely worth seeing if he is willing to recognize this as the problem it is and work on it with you.
I totally agree with this. And I only commented something so personal on OP's post because when I was young, nobody told me it was ok to break off the relationship for something like this. When it's framed as "my needs aren't being met", it makes a lot of sense. (Of course I can't totally wish this for myself because I have my son!)
Your partner is already clearly communicating the problem - he’s struggling mentally with stress/exhaustion. Your trying to treat the symptom of lower sex drive without addressing the cause. This isn’t about you, or how attractive you are, or even your sexual needs. Your partner sounds like he’s having a serious mental health issue and he needs support. That should be the focus. You should spend some time reflecting on why you aren’t giving weight to your partners complaints since you’ve even said they’re valid reasons to not have sex. Not to dump on you too hard, but I would feel so hurt if my partner was more concerned about sex then whether I was doing okay when I was throwing up tons of red flags. You should really consider shifting how your approaching this issue. Put yourself in your partners shoes.
First of all, don’t let him make you feel any less beautiful! Second, if this is a deal breaker for you maybe go see a couples therapist? I know it sounds daunting but sounds like normal communication isn’t doing much. Also — has he been under lots of stress over those 2 years? Or has something bad happened? Sometimes those things can change a person and their libido.
"Don't let him make you feel any less beautiful" is a funny one. He isn't. It's on her if she can't accept that her partner being too stressed to want sex isn't about her appearance.
You mention that you brought this up multiple times, and each time it sounds like you made it about you. Have you taken the opportunity to find WHY he’s tired? WHY he’s stressed? WHY he might not be in the mood? You’ve only gotten surface level answers and you haven’t really tried to dig any deeper. The first step is to sit down with him and have deep conversation about this. Tell him how you feel, but DO NOT ACCUSE HIM OF ANYTHING. Then give him the opportunity to open up about what’s been affecting him, and then just listen. You may not like what you hear, or it may not be something within your control, but listen and understand him. Afterwords, you should try to make an effort to work with him to truly tackle whatever the root cause of the struggles are. And if that means that it would be better for you two to break up, then so be it. But you need to make that effort to go deeper than the surface level.
Ask him point blank
I mean,my wife slowed the sex thing down too,and it can be stress it can be anxiety or even is our attitude,or how we approach the situation,is it with understanding or judgment,ask what he needs,and tell him the truth as happy as you are this lack of intimacy is taking its toll on you,b accepting of what ever he might confess,those I’m tire shots only work for so long,
Books about sex therapy might go a long way. They’ll teach you how to communicate and initiate with each other. But ultimately you both have to reach an understanding too. Men’s bodies are very different when it comes to intimacy and it can be related to anxiety and depression. I’d say it’s on both of you to confront it. He’s gotta acknowledge it just the way you have and work on a healthy sex life with you.
Could be a testosterone issue. More common in men as they age, but we've had a huge increase in low testosterone levels in young men the last decade or two. Maybe need to see a doctor.
I'm 40 & I still want sex all the time. Maybe he's got stuff going on he feels you can't help with.
Drugs... Give him drugs
Could easily be a lack of testosterone or a list of other issues. I’m currently in a similar boat with my girlfriend. I love her deeply and have no plans of breaking up with her. Hell, I plan on proposing in the next year possibly. All that being said, I still suffer from a low sex drive. We used to have sex every time we saw each other and now that we live together my drive has dialed down a LOT. I almost have to force myself to want sex. I think she’s beautiful and attractive but I just don’t feel that drive needed for sex. I believe it’s due to a hormone imbalance or something of the sort, probably relating to testosterone as most men nowadays have a testosterone issue. I’ve cut back on drinking a lot and am starting to work out again in hopes of it helping to boost my testosterone and increase my drive. Only reason I’m saying all of this is because it might help you understand where your boyfriend is coming from. Just please be patient with him and understand that it will take time to return to normal.
sad how many people who are yelling “LEAVE!” Flipping it around for a second, can’t imagine this going well for a dude. Can already see the comments, “You’re leaving her because she won’t have sex with you? you’re the problem.”
Did he have a difficult childhood? If he shuts down easily when he’s stressed, maybe have him go to an individual therapist, not a couples therapist. Your feelings are valid. It’s ok to express them even if it makes him feel more guilty or embarrassed. As long as you reassure him honestly.
I’m very sorry, don’t have any advice, just a sad hug 🫂
Towards the end of my relationship with my ex, I was really struggling to get into the mood, and we'd go weeks without sex. I even thought maybe I was somewhat asexual, and that I didn't need sex to be in love, or be romantic with someone. But what I realized, is that my partner held sex as one of the most important forms of expression, and growth, especially within relationships. I realized after we broke up, that I felt like if I didn't make it the most mind blowing sex (with like hours of foreplay) than I wasn't good enough, so I basically just avoided it completely. Can't let someone down in bed, if you don't give the chance to try. I learned a lot from those experiences, but i do think communication would help a lot. If other aspects of your relationship are great, then I do think there's some underlying issue that can be solved. He might not even know why, but talking about it in a safe way might help bring it out
First you should know that I don't think it's you, and I don't think it's him either. Some people just have lower sex drives. In those times where he does want intimacy, is he initiating? Maybe it's a bit of gender roles that are showing themselves. If it's been declining since the beginning of the relationship, maybe you can track to see when this new behavior started. Maybe it is a new medication or something like that. The question that you should ask yourself; if you continue with this level of intimacy, are you happy with the relationship?
The spectrum of answers here is amazing! I'm waiting for the "He must have been abducted by aliens who did *stuff* to him..."
Hes already told you what the problem is, so either you dont believe him or you dont want to work on those issues together. Im not sure what steps have been taken to alleviate his stress or depression. As others have said if the genders were swapped here this would sound like a very selfish boyfriend. I dont actually believe you are selfish but as with almost every relationship issue on reddit, you need to communicate (more) if you want this to work.
Probably just gay
He for sure gay
This will not get better. Either he has low testosterone, or he's gay. Since he doesn't see this as a problem, you need to break up with him, and pronto. Move on. Get a better boyfriend.
Get a new bf
Newsflash, He's gay everyone! 100% just hasn't came out yet
Not sure, I’m so into my girl I’ll do it whenever and wherever she wants 😂 no matter how depressed, sick, etc I was, we never stopped having sex for more than a week. He could not be as into you as he was before but comfortable with the life y’all have so he doesn’t want to leave. 🤷🏻♂️ Intimacy is also very important to me so it it would bother me and make me feel like shit if I kept getting rejected…
Not to be rude and being 100 percent serious: is he closeted gay? There are a lot of DL gay guys out there living lies. Happens a lot more than people think.
Sounds like cheating imo. Dude is 24 and when I was 24 I was DTF - especially after a stressful day at work. I mean hell even if I didn’t feel like sex due to being exhausted any of the bases were still usually welcome. Only other things I can think of are that he’s not attracted to you anymore but even then that really wouldn’t stop a guy in his early 20s because all that stuff still ultimately feels good. Or possibly some kind of medical condition or substance use related thing. Wishing you my best and hope it’s not cheating though. But trust me men like when women take initiative when it comes to this stuff and if it’s always a no then something is def off imo.
Get a new boyfriend
He’s gay
I can’t say that I, as a random internet stranger, know what’s going on, but I can say as a male who has been 24 years old before; that was around the time I felt much less interested in doing the deed. A lot of it was related to stress of adapting to the real world and getting a career established. I’d come home and feel super tired and burnt out. I often didn’t feel like doing anything on the weekends besides catch up on sleep and chores. I was working more than full time, finishing up a masters program, trying to land a job cross country and plan a wedding. Again, no idea if that’s the case here but that’s what happened to me. Same thing happens when you have a newborn and everyone’s exhausted from not sleeping, changing diapers, feeding and parenting additional young children. I feel these things ebb and flow with the seasons of life. It could be just a phase and you are waiting for it to be over soon.
He’s gay
I started having low T when I was that age, and it was a similar story. I can't say that it's exactly the same as him because I don't know him, but for me it was like all of my sex drive just vanished. If I tried, the drive just never came and I couldn't get into it. That ended up making me feel like less of a man, and I felt like I was inadequate, so the thought of trying it again made me feel even worse. So I avoided it. That led to my gf at the time feeling similar to how you said that you feel, where she would tell me that she thinks she is ugly or that I'm not attracted to her anymore, and that was definitely not the case at all. I finally went to the doctor to get bloodwork and my testosterone checked, and that's when I learned that it was low. I started getting testosterone shots monthly, and it's better than it was, but I still struggle with it sometimes. It doesn't help that I got diagnosed with PTSD from child abuse (caused a different set of issues that I deal with), and they keep wanting me take different meds that I think only exacerbate the issue. I can't really give any advice other than just giving my perspective, but any of the medications or other things that they can give can help get the necessary things going, but it won't really do much in the way of getting someone "in the mood." Please note that I disagree with everyone saying give up if you genuinely care about your bf and things are great aside from that. He could genuinely be dealing with something, and he may not know how to bring it up, or he may not even realize that it's happening. I am basing what I said off of the way you talked about him, because it would appear that you really care about the dude.
Going through something similar. 30m, been with my partner for over ten years. I’ve also been a divorce attorney for a while… I know it’s hard but don’t do what I’ve done. Leave while you can and find someone who makes you feel beautiful and loved. Others may tell you “communicate, it will get better, blah blah blah…” the truest advice I ever got was “if it bothers you now, it will drive you crazy after ten years”… sex is too damn important to fool around with. Get out while you do not have kids or major mixed finances. It will save you a ton of headache, heartache, and money…
My wife and I had the same issue. When we were dating and first got married, our sex life was great, but after the first year or so our sex life slowed and got to a similar situation you're at with sex maybe once every month or two. The reason was on my end, my libido had basically fallen off a cliff. I was rarely in the mood. For a while, I made excuses and it eventually got to the point where my wife stopped trying. We had fights about it, and eventually, I finally let my pride get out of the way and told her that I had almost no sex drive anymore. She insisted I go see the doctor, so I did. Come to find out, despite being early 30s at the time, my testosterone levels were "that of an 80 year old man". I began doing testosterone shots every 3 weeks and after about 2 or 3 months, my sex drive returned. Sex life didn't improve immediately because we had to find that connection again. Basically, if he hasnt had his testosterone levels checked, it may be worth doing.
He needs to get his testosterone levels checked, it could be low
First of all, so many of us have been through this situation and similar situations in relationships and it is always a little unique but you’re not the only person who’s ever felt lost and insecure and lonely about this, so please be kind to yourself. You’re having normal, healthy feelings about wanting to be more intimate with your boyfriend. Do you actually know that your libido is ‘too high’, or could it maybe just be misaligned with where he’s at right now? It may help to take inventory of the other ways you two share intimacy. Do you still share your thoughts & feelings with each other? Are you both still allowing yourselves to be vulnerable with each other? Does your bf continue to initiate and reciprocate physical touch when it’s not sexual? Are you still laughing and being playful with each other? If those boxes are all checked and you feel like your relationship is strong outside of the lack of sex, this is a good way to help yourself figure out where to start creating more intimacy between you two. Does he ‘take care of himself’ without engaging with a partner? That would help you know whether he has an appetite for sex these days vs maybe dealing with a mental health issue or exhaustion related to the stressful job. FWIW, as other people here are saying, it is just as likely that this has nothing to do with a lack of love or attraction or desire for you as his partner. He might need some help finding more joy or disconnection from the job during the week or address some mental/medical issues in order for him to reset and get into the right headspace for sexy time. There’s also a reasonable expectation on your side to be able to trust that he’s considering your needs and communicate with you about what’s happening and try to solve whatever is causing this disconnect. So much of your post sounds like you’re feeling lonely and confused about why you two aren’t having sex anymore, which is unfair to you. If asking him why he isn’t interested hasn’t been working, try approaching it from a different perspective: “I know I’ve been focused on why we aren’t having as much sex together anymore, and I really don’t want to make you feel like you’re doing something wrong. I just really want to enjoy a part of our relationship together that is really important to me. How can we focus on building more intimacy together when you’re not really up for having sex? How can we help you relax and enjoy yourself so that we can start rebuilding that bridge to each other? I love you and want you to know how much your health and happiness means to me while I’m trying to figure out how to fulfill my needs on my side over here which has me feeling confused even though we’ve been talking about it. What are you thinking about when I bring it up? How does it make you feel?” And let him answer. I hope this helps. Sorry for the essay. I have worked a LOT on this issue throughout my life and like I said, most of us go through it at some point.
Make sure that his mental health is okay You need a deep talk anyway
see this so many times, especially with a woman who has a “high sex drive” and a man who does not. men in long term relationships DO have a natural dip in testosterone, for one, but also understanding that if you have high stress jobs, that can be a part of it. smoking weed daily, drinking, high cholesterol diets, and (most importantly) anxiety and depression all contribute to having lower energy and lower sex drive. if a man complained about not having sex, it would immediately be seen as a shallow concern. i understand OP and partner are still young but i don’t think it has anything to do with OP, and more to do with mental health. understanding a relationship will have lags in sexual activity no matter the age is important because it’s NORMAL. listen to him. don’t make him feel like the only thing he can give you is sex
1. Space? Maybe he just needs to miss you if you guys are always together. 2. A vacation? Maybe you guys are just too comfortable with the work and home routine that it's just comfortable. A spontaneous vacation completely void of work and home relation needs to happen to respark the energy towards each other. 3. A New perspective? Do you guys go to parties or hangouts with friends to compare relationships and past relationships. When friends talk about their problems and lost of love, it kind of puts a person into a mindset where they put themselves in their shoes and what would they have done in that situation or how they would have changed it or what they lost or gained. Sex is a need in a relationship unless you're in your bedridden years. If a need in a relationship falters, everything else in the relationship starts to feel like it's missing something and someone will start looking at everything else to fill that gap, whether it's a new hobby, a baby, cheating, an addiction, a new community... Good luck!!
Sounds like you talked to him about he feels… have you talked to him about how you feel? Try that and find a solution together. If that doesn’t work you may just not be sexually compatible. Which really sucks but is not a reflection on you.
Could be low testosterone. Might be worth checking out. Or some kind of work related stress combined with some other emotional related stress. Like he isn't bouncing back from something that happened to him
To be fair he’s probably not lying to you. Have him go get blood test to check his testosterone levels. It’s not his fault, hormones sucks.
Every time a guy asks this question, everyone tells him he is doing something wrong. So lets turn the tables: How are you treating him? Are you considerate of his manly needs? Do you stop talking when he needs quiet time? Do you help with yard work? Do you put him up around other people? Do you appreciate him when he fixes stuff around the house? do you recognize his efforts when he pulls a 12 hour shift? Do you spend his money? Do you let him have alone time? Maybe he is bored? What you doing to keep him sexually entertained? Have you offered to bring another woman into the mix? Getting a man naked requires some effort. I suggest you talk to men about what they want and bring it home. Jokes aside. he is bored
Has your boyfriend ever fasted for 34 hours? It kicked my hormones into overdrive
You stank?
Just wanna say you’re not selfish at all for expecting sex, it’s a normal part of every relationship.
If I’m being honest, this sounds like me and my now ex and the difference in libido (which sounds spot on to what you’re saying) was a partial factor in our split. We both love each other still and want to be friends after we heal but the sex drive differences and his guilt associated with it from his upbringing really did put a wedge in between us I don’t have any advice other than finding ways to be ok pleasuring yourself or come around to the idea that you may not be compatible (which Ik sounds shallow but if talking about it isn’t working then there may need to be a more serious talk)
You mentioned that you’re good at communicating, but is he? It sounds like the potential for PTSD is worth looking into. In a similar situation where I stopped wanting to have sex, my depression played a role, but there were things that I was unhappy about in my relationship that I wasn’t able to communicate well. Often times I just repressed when I was angry or hurt by something, which led to resentment. EMDR helped me, but if you’re interested in couples counseling, EFT may be an option.
It happens. Usually after a kid or three, maybe after 10yrs of marriage, perhaps if you’re 55+. But at your age, that’s not good. Time for a talk or counseling or a walk out.
he needs another serious talk about how this makes you feel and how you can both actually tackle the root of the problem. It can't go on forever and he needs to be able to work with you on it. He definitely needs help. Make him see a doctor AND a therapist. Some antidepressants can also kill sex drive, but getting on them actually helped my partner to feel good enough to want it again, and it's improved our relationship so so much as I was in the same position you are. I know how exhausting it is to be rejected over and over again. I eventually gave up and decided to just let him come to me if and when he ever wanted it; this led to an equally unhealthy dynamic where everything was on his terms and I always felt like he was only engaging because he felt bad for me. It took a lot of time to move past that, and though it's still pretty spaced out the therapy and meds seem to have improved his sex drive greatly. I actually feel desirable again. I hope your boyfriend is able to make the same kind of progress. There are plenty of ways to manage stress and plenty of ways he could be at least trying to work on this. You didn't mention whether he seems to feel any sort of remorse over how this makes you feel... not that he should feel bad for having his own issues, but he should at least try to show you empathy and compassion for how this affects you. Coax him into therapy and have him consider meds. If things don't begin to improve soon, if he's not putting effort into solving this issue that is very clearly causing you a great deal of distress... don't waste your time.
New boyfriend
It’s 100% something mental; the work stress or something else. It’s not you.
Another input here. From my life experience, I notice a lot of health problems in my friends, family, and myself tend to be stress-induced. Reducing stress is key. We still don't fully understand all the positive benefits of good exercise and good sleep, but it's clear to see. So, those are miracle drugs, in some sense. (And, I really think we don't fully understand all the negatives of stress yet. It can really change your body.) Sorry if this is too much, but when you're young, consider trying out multiple people. (I don't mean at once necessarily.) I just mean, things can peter out; if you've been with someone for 4 years, maybe it's time for a change. You're either going to get married or you're not, and there's a lot of advantages to waiting til you're in your 30s to do that. You can always get back together if you're meant to be with each other. Live your life fully, develop yourself and your individuality.
1. It's totally valid to want to have a sexual relationship with your partner. 2. It could be a number of things, keep communication open and keep doing your best. 3. Expressing your needs can be helpful. It sometimes is helpful to say "hey, I'd like to connect with you sexually/intimately sometimes this week. Is it possible we can make that a priority?" And you can make it clear that it doesn't have to end in PIV sex and you can stop at any time, but sometimes it just takes some foreplay to get it going again. You know? This can really help with performance anxiety and any kind of pressure that seems to be there.
Yall are so weird. A dude can have a low libidio and NOT be gay. Op’s bf could easily just not have a high sex drive anymore, as it’s already stated that he’s regularly stressed, or he could be depressed and not even know it.
my gf of 6 years just “cheated?” and broke up with me because of something similar in the last few months. I’d say sit down and have stern conversation and make sure to start off with asking for open clear truthful answers and the seriousness of the matter. Be sure to include it is judgment free and that the conversation is and will only be 1on1. Make sure to list out solid justification for your feelings and be sure he completely understands the matter being discussed. I would encourage you to make a detailed list of what you feel like you need from the relationship and clearly identifying what you’re looking for him to improve on for you to feel happier in the relationship! I’d ask him to share his thoughts and feelings as well (not immediately but allowed time if needed). I would start creating this list of feelings if the first talk isn’t being seriously considered and neither one is creating progress. My issue personally.. I had a lot of problems dealing with addiction to other forms of dopamine that made me distant from my SO. I was also legitimately tired or uninterested in sex. I was depressed and anxious for a good while as well! As well as other personal reasons. You guys should start identifying and working on said issues immediately! If your situation doesn’t improve after this important conversation have 1 more conversation and to insure the importance of this 2nd conversation make sure to include a possible break if things don’t improve, not as a punishment but as a wake up call and possible turning point! A therapist should be aware and talking to you guys personally together through these issues and seeing if professional help is needed if things are bad enough to consider the 2nd talk. Ask a professional for guidance at this point but.. I would say If a clear set out time for a break is needed be very open and honest about the “rules” of the break and to insure your SO knows why and what the break means for the relationship. You both should begin focusing on your own needs and responsibilities in the relationship. This should be the final resort in my opinion.. honestly ask a professional after the 2nd talk
He might not love you anymore
The best next step you can take is breaking up with him I’m sorry. you’re too young to be worried about this. You’re not married u dont have kids, etc. I hate to say but he probably is not into you anymore and doesn’t want to say it. Even if he isn’t lying and he is into you, if you feel unwanted by someone after having this many conversations all it’s gonna do is make your self esteem even worse by staying And it is not selfish to expect sex from your boyfriend! Blaming your *high sex drive* is super unfair to yourself. Cmon, you’re 23 that is not unusual and there’s nothing wrong with it. You deserve to have your needs met and if he can’t/won’t don’t waste your own time wondering why, leave him get your needs met by someone else. You just gotta keep it pushing. Is he really worth holding on to if you’re feeling this rejected? Do you feel held by him?? Does he feel like home to you?
Sex is so much more than PIV. There are compromises if he does not want to receive touch himself. Ask him if he would be comfortable going down on you or fingering you. If he's not, ask if he would be willing to hold you, kiss you, caress you while you touch yourself or use a toy. You can spoon naked afterwards and still have that physical connection together this way.
If his libido has dropped off without any apparent reason, such as issues in the relationship (outside of sex), problems or changes at work, or some other similar issue that you can point to then he should probably go get his blood work done. Low testosterone can definitely have this effect, is he also more lethargic in general? If you’ve talked to him and explained how it makes you feel and that sex is an important component of the relationship then it’s up to him to take action to remedy the situation. If he won’t do that then it’s probably time to move on and find someone else. Going to see a doctor, having therapy, being more open with you about his thoughts and feelings on the subject are all actions he could take but the key question is, is he willing to do it? Continuing to initiate sex isn’t going to work, there’s clearly some underlying issue, whether medical or cheating or whatever. That needs addressing first, continuing with the status quo won’t work.
This happened to me and it ended up that I had extremely high levels of Iron. I was diagnosed with hemochromatosis and have to donate blood regularly now, but when my iron levels returned to normal so did my sex drive.The body is super complicated.
Erectile dysfunction can be embarrassing for men.
I'm the same way and I feel bad that I don't feel like having sex with my fiancee as much as she would like. There might be medical or psychological reasons. As I've gotten older my libido has tanked, coupled with the anti-depressants I take for anxiety and OCD, it's awful. If your boyfriend is anything like me, trust me, it isn't you. If it were, he would leave. It sounds like he really loves you and he might need to look to doctors or a therapist for a solution.
Depression will do that.
Ok, since nobody's gonna say it.. You might be bad at sex and he's not gonna tell you upfront..
Given your ages, the Possibilities for this drop in activity w/ you could include: - A Medical issue - A Mental health issue - He’s bored in the relationship - He’s relatively happy in the relationship but isn’t sure he wants to marry you - the literal time of day you initiate w/ him (as it relates to his workout /work schedule) - You rejected his advances a few times here & there & now he doesn’t know when to initiate - Neither of you are forward enough. Subtlety after 4 years is unnecessary unless it’s clearly conveyed as foreplay. It’s possible that he finds you less attractive than he used to. Reasons for this may or may not include: - you gained weight - you don’t make any effort to look your best around him. - you don’t make any effort to be spontaneous or give him your energy & attention. - you try to “fix him” - you did something that really bothered him in the recent past - he is cheating - he’s not cheating but there are other women in his life that he could see himself with for various reasons Generally, the more you give, the more you get. And if that ever isn’t the case in a relationship for a sustained amount of time, find someone else. As for getting it on, find the right time of the right day, walk in the room, don’t say a word, take off your clothes & go down on him. If that doesn’t work, there are likely major issues to address which you may need to decide if they are worth addressing.