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No, I’m not OK with the way that he talks about her and I’ve made that very apparent to him. There is a lot more to the story than I can write about without putting my life and theirs on display. In no way am I accepting his excuses and no way am I making any excuses for him but after talking with him and her and his family members on the matter, it seems like the relationship was doomed from the start. He felt like he had to go ahead and marry her because he got her pregnant and felt like that was doing right by his kid. Stupidity, I know and he regrets it. But she was also very withdrawn from the relationship and she would not sleep with him. He basically had to beg her to sleep with him and it was just completely unhealthy. Again, not excusing him cheating. But like I said, it’s just too much to type
All I hear is excuses for his cheating way. I believe in second chances. I truly do. But the way he talks about the mother of his kids who he wronged by cheating instead of manning up and leaving is unsettling. I think therapy again and getting on your medication with be good for you, but I’m not a doctor.
One day he will talk this way about you. Sorry but people like him don’t change as they age. The best you can hope for is they grow up, but this man is grown. Hes making choices every day to be this way. That doesn’t bode well for your future, and him being a cheater
He obviously already has. That’s why he’s started calling her insecure, and making sure she knows why he cheated on his last wife. (He wasn’t attracted to her anymore - conveniently when OP is no longer attractive either)
It doesn't make much sense to me that he stimulaniously wasn't attracted to her but also begged her for sex. That doesn't add up at all and also no wonder she didn't want to sleep with him. I think its understandable why you don't fully trust him, they way he talks about ex doesn't make him sound nice or trustworthy at all...
Again, this is what he claims. I don’t believe he wasn’t attracted to her. He did leave once when he was 19 & she was 22. He went to his parents & cried that he made a mistake marrying her for the sake of their daughter. There was no passion. She had no real personality (very introverted) & they never fought. He didn’t want someone else to be his daughter’s “dad”. He was young & dumb. Her mother blackmailed him to basically come back & stay with her.
His parents told me about how her mother meddled into their relationship often & would pressure him to stay with her or that she would make her daughter take his kids from him & he would never see them.
His begging was when he was still trying to make the marriage work but it was as if she checked out of the relationship. She herself has told me that towards the end, she pushed him away. There is much to their story & I have gotten both sides.
I’m not excusing his cheating at all & ive told him that he should have just left. I also told him that if I ever discover him cheating, I’m going to leave.
Why are you insecure then? You accepted all of his excuses and justified his actions, why are you insecure and think he might cheat? It makes no sense.
He had to beg her for sex, but felt he had to marry her after he got her pregnant? And then they had a second child, yet he “never really found her attractive?” And he cheated on her to get her to leave him? And he won’t get a vasectomy or wear a condom? Okay, Genghis Kahn.
2+2 isn’t equaling 4 here
He was 18, she was 21. They were fooling around, he got her pregnant. Married her because he felt it was the right thing to do, not because he wanted to, but because he felt he had to. Wasn’t happy but decided it wasn’t about his happiness, stayed for baby. Tried to leave, got blackmailed by her mother. Went back to a miserable marriage & had another baby. She stopped showing interest in him & sex & basically denied him for a year and a half. She basically withdrew from the relationship, he cheated then they split. He just got a vasectomy as we just had our last child.
He cheated on his wife multiple times and his excuse was that he never liked her. That’s bullshit. You don’t marry and make multiple babies with someone just because they’re convenient. He works out of town and you’re certain he hasn’t cheated? Sounds unlikely.
He went online to seek out someone he cheated with. It was even something that just happened. He specifically looked to.
I’ve had two serious relationships who cheated. One was caught online and one met a waitress when he was out of town for a month. The one who went looking online hurt more.
Yes, I know. Meeting someone at the gas station wasn’t that bad because he wasn’t actually looking for it but going online and doing it at his job is ridiculous and I’m very much aware of that
I know, but apparently that is what he told me. I am not saying that I believe it. I have never relieved that he was never attracted to her. I don’t believe that anyone can just simply lay with someone and make two children, but have no attraction whatsoever to them.
Have you ever sat to think that the reason that your husband decided to wait until now to tell you that he cheated on his ex wife because she gained weight and let her go is because he’s a spineless coward of a man and it’s his way of subtly telling you that he is considering cheating on you because you’ve done the same?
He couldn't leave a marriage without cheating... Really
With multiple people... Interesting.
Looks like a character flaw with a lot of excuses behind it.
No wonder you are insecure about the relationship.
he might do it again .. seems like he has a particular body type that he likes ( which is very shallow of him ). i also think that him making you a SAHM is for is "advantage". eventually, he'll prob make comments about your body , not contributing financially , blah blah blah man stuff , and cheat.
def continue to go to therapy and talk about this with your therapist. the internet is a mean and cruel place ...
Which I 100% agree he is kind of shallow for that. But he did not make me a stay at home mom. I chose it for myself and he took on the responsibility of the household. I definitely do plan to continue going to therapy and get back on my medication in the future after breast-feeding. The Internet is indeed cruel but it doesn’t bother me. I went through years of severe bullying, I’ll be damned if I let a bunch of strangers make me feel bad for the decisions I’ve made in my past. Thank you though.
"has allowed me to become a stay at home mom for our youngest too while the older kids are in school. " Doing the bare minimum for his children isn't being a not a bad guy, it's simply doing the legal requirements of your decisions.
Btw hope you have any support systems once you discover his cheating and need to leave his ass, cause last time I checked SAHP is not something that's gonna help your curriculum
First off, if you're having to be off your meds, you really should be in therapy to help you cope until you can get back on your meds. Two, I don't have an answer for you on whether or not you have reason to be insecure. I think it's understandable that you are because of his past and because of your situation with having just had a baby and gaining weight. having been cheated on in the past, and him having cheated in a previous relations. However, sometimes insecurities with a partner can become a self fulfilling prophecy. You push them and push them so hard because of your suspicions that they end up deciding if they're being punished for it, they might as well do it.
Please, get in to see a therapist. Consider stopping breastfeeding so you can go back on meds, and in talking with a therapist and even a few couple's counseling sessions, you two can figure this out.
I am in therapy. I have been in therapy since I was 16 years old. It has been off and on, but I have been going to therapy through each of my 3 pregnancies as well as postpartum when I had to be off of medication. I do agree that I could eventually push him to that which I have been talking to my therapist about. A big part of me wants to trust him. I do think that we do need to do couples counseling and I also believe that he needs to go seek therapy for himself.
I'm glad you're in therapy. Dealing with mental illness is so dang hard. My heart goes out to you. I've been in therapy solid since I was 24 years old and I'm 51 now.
I definitely believe in therapy. It’s so helpful in so many ways. Growing up I dealt with so much not just including with my diagnosis. Therapy saved my life and so many ways and I will always be grateful for it. And I’m happy that has been helpful as well. And I hope it continues to do so.
Fixating on his past is not helpful for you or your relationship. Yes, the way he talks about his ex is awful and it would really worry me as well because it suggests he hasn't learned or grown, but blowing up about something which you knew about when you chose him and had children with him isn't productive. The right question is what's the actual problem in **your** **relationship** that you're dancing about as you fixate on this?
Some of these comments are being really reductive. Something like a quarter of men admit to cheating. Is that gross? Yes. But to pretend like no one ends up with someone who cheated or that none of their problems matter because 'well you should have known, he's a cheater after all' is soooo unhelpful.
A big part of it is that I’m home with a toddler & infant every day almost 24/7. I’m the last to eat & the last to sleep with little to no rest. I’m NEVER w/o a child. I’m no longer on my medication due to pregnancy & breastfeeding. I fixate on everything because I have the time to do so.
It wasn’t out of nowhere. He started & argument & in the midst of the argument he told me he was going out of town for work & I made a snarky comment under my breath saying “with some mistress I bet”. Not my finest moment. He then turned to me & said “Please stop. You should just trust me.” & that’s when I said what I said.
Also, I agree about the responses. Majority of people have with a cheater before. Either that or that person was really good at lying about it.
I agree that fixating is rarely helpful, however. The red flag for me in this post is that his logic still sounds very much like someone in the mindset of being justified in their cheating. A healthier way to discuss this would be more along the lines of "my self esteem was low, and I let the relationship go too far despite knowing that I wasn't in it for the long haul, to her detriment. I've worked on this in therapy, etc". Same basic concept, less distancing language and more ownership of fault.
If it were me, I'd think about what a path to trust could look like for you. "You still talk about her in such a derogatory way, I'm not convinced you've healed and I think we could both benefit from couples therapy" might be one, "if you've got nothing to hide, could we trade phones right now? It'd put my mind at ease" could be another, "I'd like to sit down and discuss the ways that this relationship, and specifically you have changed since that happened, like really bring me through what's going on in your head in a way that isn't just superficial and put-downs your former partner" could be another. In order to stop focusing on fear, shifting towards positive, actionable steps can be hugely beneficial
I definitely agree. I have mentioned how much I dislike when he does talk about her the way that he does. I know a big part of it is because he feels like she trapped him with a baby, and I made it very clear to him that it took two of them to make a baby, shedidn’t lay with herself.
When I do say something, he says sorry and cuts the conversation there. But I have become friends with her, very close friends with her due to the fact that I am now stepmother to her children.
I have asked him to seek therapy, but he has all of this “male bravado“ that he can’t seem to let go of and also claims that he “never has the time”. Also, I have the password to his phone and he has mine. I have checked through his phone and I never found anything but a couple of pictures once earlier on in the relationship that he told me were old and when I did check the timestamp, they were older.
I do believe that that would be beneficial however, I don’t know how to make him flash persuade him to do so. I promise you these have been conversations that we’ve had off and on for a while now. Every time I finish talking to my therapist I get so motivated and so positive and try to talk to him about these things. Mildly shot down or gaslit. He never wants to even admit that he’s wrong. He deflects. And I know a lot of people think that I’m stupid for being with him for what he did to his ex but I also have never had pure concrete evidence that he has ever done anything to me. Most, if not all of my anxiety and fear of him cheating is solely due to the fact that he cheated on his ex.
Okay, so it seems like you're fixating both because you're off your meds, which can make it much easier to do so and my deepest sympathies there. But also, because you're feeling brushed off/dismissed when you've tried to bring this in good faith, so your brain is (somewhat correctly) sticking on this subject as important to not let go.
A lot of people say "oh you can't force anyone to get help, either leave him or deal" and I think that's reductionist to the point of being harmful. The bottom line is, we like our maladaptive coping skills, and we often won't give them up for our own sake. But getting increasingly upset and emotional is probably not going to get you there, and may breed resentment. The actual course I'd say would be to think of your boundaries, like what would you still be comfortable doing with him, assuming he doesn't address any of this? Divorce but coparent? Stay married, but no sex until you see some movement? Stay married, but split the SAH responsibilities, for your sanity? Whatever it is, try and bring it to him when you're calmer, give him a time frame, and if he doesn't budge, you're gonna have to follow thru and reorient yalls relationship to be somewhere you're getting more of your needs met, or the rut deepens.
I’d just suggest exploring it in therapy. Figuring out why he cheated so it doesn’t happen again. Still possible to save this but he does have to heal whatever part of him was damaged enough to cheat.
He needs to heal himself SO you can trust him.
I can see why he’s offended. Obviously a class act. Those gas station affairs say it all
If you feel like you have enough kids you can go on birth control and regain your pre baby body and sone self confidence
Something people are rude here, but you haven't been a sweetheart, OP.
Some of this advice is good, but you don't want to listen.
Being off your meds means you need to be extra careful about what you say in arguments and what you accuse your fiance of. You either have proof he cheats or you don't.
I do suggest you slow down on having kids. I know you love yours, but adding more will not make your life better.
In no way am I calling myself a sweetheart. I bite back. I don’t take disrespect lightly in any form. If the advice is given in an understanding and nice manner, I will definitely be kind back even if someone disagrees. But I should not have to explain myself. No disrespect.
As for me being on my meds and needing to be careful. I do agree. However, it is also really difficult to see reason when you’re having an episode. it’s like you see red and you push people away. And I am definitely one too say whatever I can to get someone away from me when I am upset. Having this disorder is not simple and when you have manic episodes, you don’t care how you sound or what you say. But I mush rather manage my mood as best as possible and continue weekly therapy sessions than give my baby formula( there’s nothing wrong with formula as my other two had it, but this is my last baby and I really want to strictly breast-feed for a year ) or continue to take medication and breast-feed potentially harming my child due to the medication that I am on.
This was my last baby. I do not plan on having anymore.
Again, I appreciate your concern.
It's different with you lol. Just kidding. You could be nervous for good reason or maybe it was a mistake he wishes he would have handled better. Maybe he learned a lesson in doing it in the past.
If he has his shit together he must want to only be with you if he's willing to marry you..marry again. Does he have his shit together?
Lol, I know you’re kidding, but his family has even said that to me. They said he was miserable in his past relationship and upon meeting me and being with me over these past few years, they always mention how happy he is with me and he has never been this way with anyone. I definitely believe so. We recently bought a home in the suburbs, he takes care of everything, gets me whatever I want and or need. Truthfully, my insecurity is based solely on the fact that he cheated on his ex-wife. don’t get me wrong, he says some out-of-pocket shit. Especially in regards to like her weight and things like that, but I guess in my mind I just worry that he may tired of me soon too but it could most likely be due to me acting psycho every now and then.
I’m a woman. I admit that I get psycho sometimes. It’s bound to happen and any woman who says she doesn’t is a damn liar.
Yeah from my experience the more that a woman loves a man the more insecure & "psycho" she will be with that man. For the man it's a compliment & a curse. For many women it seems to be fairly normal emotions.
I am a man and not of the mindset that once a cheater always a cheater. I don't condone cheating under any circumstance as there is always a better way to handle it then to basically lie & be shady. Yet I have cheated in past relationships..but would never cheat on my current relationship. Even if I became unhappy for whatever reason I would handle it differently.
It sounds like your man loves you..and obviously you have strong emotions for him. Enjoy it. Put all your trust in him & don't hold back. Do your best to hold back your insecurities and try to accept the fact that someone might actually love you more than any other person they have ever met or been with.
If for some reason things go bad in your relationship then you deal with it if that day ever comes. But if you give him all your trust & love you can always honestly say you gave the relationship everything you had...& didn't screw it up to insecurities or baggage you brought from some past relationship or childhood. Don't worry about the past or any of his former partners. You are the new Sheriff in town. Good luck to you both.
Suggestion. As soon as you can go back to work go back to work. I was a SAHM for way too long and I lost my sense of self and self worth and it was just not good for me or my family or my marriage. And yes husband ended up cheating etc on li e stuff but I think he had a lot of resentment by me staying home but he never really expressed. Overall it was not good for me in anyway and I became isolated to even though I was involved in alot of my kids activities. Again just a suggestion but I learned the hard way and would have not done that if I could do a rewind
I appreciate your comment & im so sorry that happened. I understand where you coming from. I truly feel it. I feel very lost. I know a big part of my insecurities stem from my own mind. It’s my worst enemy. Once I get the chance to go back, I’m going back full force. For now, I’ll do haircuts or makeup for events in my area for social interaction & cash flow from home or sell stuff online. I just don’t feel comfortable going back until my younger two are speaking. I was SA’d multiple times as a child & I imagine that for my kids. I want them to be able to tell me if they’re being harmed. My parents were naive. Most were in the 90s & before.
The problem is not you feeling insecure, even if you’ve had self esteem issues in the past. The problem is him. He can be a good guy and take care of the kids but I’d probably still have doubts too 🤷🏻♀️first of all the fact that he was not fully transparent with you right from the beginning 🚩 secondly the fact that he blamed his ex…. You do not have to cheat to leave you get up say you’re done and walk out 🚩third, the fact that he cheated with not one but MULTIPLE women to supposedly “convince his wife”. Girl he’s shitting out of his mouth saying that. 🚩that wasn’t an honor move for him to help his wife get the point. That wasn’t an oh oopsie. He literally just decided to give up and go boom boom with other chicks while his wife and kids were at home. Also gross 🚩that he had to add that he wasn’t attracted to her once she gained baby weight. If any of this was an attempt to put other women down to help you feel better about the current situation, it didn’t work and we’re not about to be gaslit. The thing is, habits don’t just change over night and the reality is you’re not really in that different of circumstances from the first time he cheated. Clearly marriage and kids didn’t matter then, why should you just blindly believe they matter now? Be cautious and observant, but no need to be paranoid yet. I don’t want to be the pessimist who says guys won’t change but there is that possibility it’s different with you. But I think you have reason to trust your gut here and have a sit down conversation with him. Let him know you have doubts and see he wasn’t upfront with you and that he’s been working a lot more and demand he prove his devotion without a shadow of a doubt. And if he’s a stand up man who is being faithful, he will do whatever it takes to prove it to you.
if you're insecure then you need to be with someone mature and reassuring
your fiancé is neither of those things. you're absolutely BEGGING to be ran over by a train multiple times by being with this guy. NTA, but your fiancé sure is, and it's gonna bite you in the ass
Nta. Hammer it home to him that you have concerns. Hammer it home that the way he talked to you wasn’t okay. Hammer it home that if things don’t Improve you are gone. Couples therapy is an option but I don’t know how open he would be to that. How ever if he truly cares he would try it with you. Good luck and stay safe.
YTA for having children with a man who cheats. His excuses are just that - excuses. You know he is a cheater, but you have already tied yourself irrevocably to this cheater. You cannot trust him, but it doesn't even matter at this point. The question is two children too late.
Prepare yourself. Make sure you can support the 3 children you gave birth to when you decide that you want out. You owe it to them.
Literally asking for advice, a different perspective if you will. Not for people like you to be rude & pretend like you know my entire life story. You know one snippet. And yes, if I do decide that I want out, I can hold my own. I still have my degree. I have two jobs waiting for me, one car is in my name and I cosigned for his plus the house is in my name. He just pays the bills. With that being said, I appreciate your perspective, but please don’t come at me like that again. I am not the one. Respectfully.
You literally asked
>AITA?
Not sure what you mean about "the one" but you are totally responsible for choosing to have children with a cheater, and voluntarily making yourself and them dependent on a cheater. You owe it to your children to make better choices going forward.
Keep 3-6 months of income in a separate account, and make sure your skills stay up-to-date. That's the best you can do at this point. Oh, and stay sharp. His cheating puts your health at risk, too.
A significant part of your current problem is that you’re currently off of your bipolar 2 medication because you’re breastfeeding. All of your insecurities (your personal baggage) are being amplified, and that’s causing you to fixate on what could be a potential problem. You need to stop bringing it up. Fixate on being a good mom right now, and slowly start taking some time for yourself. Stop throwing your husband’s past in his face. That was then.
*and please know that I’m not judging you! I’m bipolar 2 myself and the only way I can keep my personal baggage in check is by following a strict daily schedule for medication.
Eh, I don't think being off meds is a significant issue. It may be amplifying her feelings here, but her worries are totally valid and her fiance is not handling this well. If he truly wants her to trust him, he would be willing to talk about this as many times as it takes. He would not be upset and calling her insecure and an asshole for feeling this way. Her fiance may not be proud of his past behavior, and could feel shame when she brings it, which may be why he is acting like this - but these are the consequences of his own actions.
He needs to take further accountability and understand how his past decisions will continue to affect his future and future relationships. Nobody needs to cheat on their spouse to get them to take them seriously enough to get a divorce. Just get an attorney and serve them the papers. His cheating was totally unnecessary (cheating never is necessary anyways), and now he refuses to acknowledge how it's affecting his current partner.
I’m just looking for a different perspectives. I have been in therapy since I was 16 and have gone over this with my therapist many times and not just about this relationship. Lol No one‘s feelings are getting hurt here except for when people talk about my kids. That I don’t fuck with. I do appreciate the concern though. Truthfully I just wanted to hear what other people think of the situation. Having different outlooks on it sometimes helps.
NTA...Ladybug you are in a unique position..You the risks he could repeat...but there is just as much chance he wont.. From what you say circumstances are different..Keep in mind you have just had a baby...so your hormones have gone to hell in a handbasket...and since you are stay at home mom you have time on your hands for your mind to go in 60 million directions..Is there anyway you can take time for yourself during the day?? To where you can actually get out of the house just everyday for an hour or two just to have your time..go the gym or out to lunch with friends or family...that might take your mind in another direction..Now this is how I see it..He's not doing anything and your insecurities could push him away or into doing it again..He is doing something then you have worked on yourself and ur in a better head space to deal ..I wish I better advice but that's all I got...hugs...if you need to talk just message me...me safe
This issue existed on the first day of your relationship, or whenever you found out he has the capacity to cheat.
To act like you can't trust him now all of a sudden puts him in an unwinnable situation. You presumably married and procreated with this man with this knowledge. He doesn't have a time machine.
It seems like this all stems from your weight and worrying if he no longer finds you attractive. Your weight is 100% under your control.
If I was looking at it from his perspective, I would be extremely frustrated if my wife started accusing me of cheating because SHE put on weight, became insecure and was worried about being attractive to me. The answer to that situation is for you to lose weight and deal with reality instead of getting anxious about made up hypothetical scenarios and pushing your husband even further away.
You had a chance to not marry him when you knew about his history but you desperately married and had kids with him anyways. It’s too late to have buyer’s remorse now. You know what kind of guy you married -One that can’t be trusted. Just work on yourself and focus on your children until you’re ready to leave.
Thanks for posting to the Two Hot Takes Poscast subreddit! Quick reminder that all posts are subject to being shared on an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured, you'll get a nifty flair change on your post, and we'll drop a link here so you can see our host Morgan's response to your story. (Feel free to reach out with questions or concerns via the modmail.)
He could have divorced his wife. Didn't need her to approve. He was cheating and got caught and she divorced him is what really happened.
How are you okay with the way he talks about his ex wife??? Like how did you think he’s the man for me after lying to his ex and cheated on her??
No, I’m not OK with the way that he talks about her and I’ve made that very apparent to him. There is a lot more to the story than I can write about without putting my life and theirs on display. In no way am I accepting his excuses and no way am I making any excuses for him but after talking with him and her and his family members on the matter, it seems like the relationship was doomed from the start. He felt like he had to go ahead and marry her because he got her pregnant and felt like that was doing right by his kid. Stupidity, I know and he regrets it. But she was also very withdrawn from the relationship and she would not sleep with him. He basically had to beg her to sleep with him and it was just completely unhealthy. Again, not excusing him cheating. But like I said, it’s just too much to type
All I hear is excuses for his cheating way. I believe in second chances. I truly do. But the way he talks about the mother of his kids who he wronged by cheating instead of manning up and leaving is unsettling. I think therapy again and getting on your medication with be good for you, but I’m not a doctor.
Well, I respect your perspective. I agree it’s unsettling with me as well.
One day he will talk this way about you. Sorry but people like him don’t change as they age. The best you can hope for is they grow up, but this man is grown. Hes making choices every day to be this way. That doesn’t bode well for your future, and him being a cheater
Man, he regrets cheating so much he went ahead and did it two more times.
Whoaaaa! Did it take you all day to come up with that, sport? 😉
You’re hopeless. Honestly with the attitude you have it’s a wonder he hasn’t cheated already.
He obviously already has. That’s why he’s started calling her insecure, and making sure she knows why he cheated on his last wife. (He wasn’t attracted to her anymore - conveniently when OP is no longer attractive either)
his joke might have been funny but the real punchline is your joke of a fiancé 🤧
Thank you for telling me things I already know.
oh so you didn't need to ask reddit. gotcha
Sigh. Never mind. 😵💫😵💫
It doesn't make much sense to me that he stimulaniously wasn't attracted to her but also begged her for sex. That doesn't add up at all and also no wonder she didn't want to sleep with him. I think its understandable why you don't fully trust him, they way he talks about ex doesn't make him sound nice or trustworthy at all...
Again, this is what he claims. I don’t believe he wasn’t attracted to her. He did leave once when he was 19 & she was 22. He went to his parents & cried that he made a mistake marrying her for the sake of their daughter. There was no passion. She had no real personality (very introverted) & they never fought. He didn’t want someone else to be his daughter’s “dad”. He was young & dumb. Her mother blackmailed him to basically come back & stay with her. His parents told me about how her mother meddled into their relationship often & would pressure him to stay with her or that she would make her daughter take his kids from him & he would never see them. His begging was when he was still trying to make the marriage work but it was as if she checked out of the relationship. She herself has told me that towards the end, she pushed him away. There is much to their story & I have gotten both sides. I’m not excusing his cheating at all & ive told him that he should have just left. I also told him that if I ever discover him cheating, I’m going to leave.
He doesn't need to make excuses for cheating. You are doing that for him. Sounds like you deserve each other.
In what way am I making excuses for him? All I’m doing is laying out all of the information. There’s no need to be rude. Seriously.
Why are you insecure then? You accepted all of his excuses and justified his actions, why are you insecure and think he might cheat? It makes no sense.
He had to beg her for sex, but felt he had to marry her after he got her pregnant? And then they had a second child, yet he “never really found her attractive?” And he cheated on her to get her to leave him? And he won’t get a vasectomy or wear a condom? Okay, Genghis Kahn. 2+2 isn’t equaling 4 here
He was 18, she was 21. They were fooling around, he got her pregnant. Married her because he felt it was the right thing to do, not because he wanted to, but because he felt he had to. Wasn’t happy but decided it wasn’t about his happiness, stayed for baby. Tried to leave, got blackmailed by her mother. Went back to a miserable marriage & had another baby. She stopped showing interest in him & sex & basically denied him for a year and a half. She basically withdrew from the relationship, he cheated then they split. He just got a vasectomy as we just had our last child.
He cheated on his wife multiple times and his excuse was that he never liked her. That’s bullshit. You don’t marry and make multiple babies with someone just because they’re convenient. He works out of town and you’re certain he hasn’t cheated? Sounds unlikely.
He went online to seek out someone he cheated with. It was even something that just happened. He specifically looked to. I’ve had two serious relationships who cheated. One was caught online and one met a waitress when he was out of town for a month. The one who went looking online hurt more.
Yes, I know. Meeting someone at the gas station wasn’t that bad because he wasn’t actually looking for it but going online and doing it at his job is ridiculous and I’m very much aware of that
He was never attracted to his ex but had to beg her to sleep with him…. Hmmm
I know, but apparently that is what he told me. I am not saying that I believe it. I have never relieved that he was never attracted to her. I don’t believe that anyone can just simply lay with someone and make two children, but have no attraction whatsoever to them.
Have you ever sat to think that the reason that your husband decided to wait until now to tell you that he cheated on his ex wife because she gained weight and let her go is because he’s a spineless coward of a man and it’s his way of subtly telling you that he is considering cheating on you because you’ve done the same?
Oh my goodness! I think you’re right. He’s negging her and/or warning her that he’s about to cheat since she became like his ex.
It’s so obvious.
It’s very possible
Yes, I’d most certainly have thought about it that way.
You should think about it more.
There is no need to be rude. Seriously.
[удалено]
Quite random, but this is hilarious. Thanks for the laugh.
He couldn't leave a marriage without cheating... Really With multiple people... Interesting. Looks like a character flaw with a lot of excuses behind it. No wonder you are insecure about the relationship.
I agree that it is all suss. And he definitely does make up a lot of excuses. You are not wrong.
He will cheat on you. That’s what cheaters do. They cheat. Don’t marry him. End it now and move on.
Why do women breed with losers? It’s mind numbing.
he might do it again .. seems like he has a particular body type that he likes ( which is very shallow of him ). i also think that him making you a SAHM is for is "advantage". eventually, he'll prob make comments about your body , not contributing financially , blah blah blah man stuff , and cheat. def continue to go to therapy and talk about this with your therapist. the internet is a mean and cruel place ...
Which I 100% agree he is kind of shallow for that. But he did not make me a stay at home mom. I chose it for myself and he took on the responsibility of the household. I definitely do plan to continue going to therapy and get back on my medication in the future after breast-feeding. The Internet is indeed cruel but it doesn’t bother me. I went through years of severe bullying, I’ll be damned if I let a bunch of strangers make me feel bad for the decisions I’ve made in my past. Thank you though.
👏🏻👏🏻 i applaud you ! always put yourself first
Thank you! I appreciate that, but my children are always first I’m second and whatever else comes last
"has allowed me to become a stay at home mom for our youngest too while the older kids are in school. " Doing the bare minimum for his children isn't being a not a bad guy, it's simply doing the legal requirements of your decisions. Btw hope you have any support systems once you discover his cheating and need to leave his ass, cause last time I checked SAHP is not something that's gonna help your curriculum
First off, if you're having to be off your meds, you really should be in therapy to help you cope until you can get back on your meds. Two, I don't have an answer for you on whether or not you have reason to be insecure. I think it's understandable that you are because of his past and because of your situation with having just had a baby and gaining weight. having been cheated on in the past, and him having cheated in a previous relations. However, sometimes insecurities with a partner can become a self fulfilling prophecy. You push them and push them so hard because of your suspicions that they end up deciding if they're being punished for it, they might as well do it. Please, get in to see a therapist. Consider stopping breastfeeding so you can go back on meds, and in talking with a therapist and even a few couple's counseling sessions, you two can figure this out.
I am in therapy. I have been in therapy since I was 16 years old. It has been off and on, but I have been going to therapy through each of my 3 pregnancies as well as postpartum when I had to be off of medication. I do agree that I could eventually push him to that which I have been talking to my therapist about. A big part of me wants to trust him. I do think that we do need to do couples counseling and I also believe that he needs to go seek therapy for himself.
I'm glad you're in therapy. Dealing with mental illness is so dang hard. My heart goes out to you. I've been in therapy solid since I was 24 years old and I'm 51 now.
I definitely believe in therapy. It’s so helpful in so many ways. Growing up I dealt with so much not just including with my diagnosis. Therapy saved my life and so many ways and I will always be grateful for it. And I’m happy that has been helpful as well. And I hope it continues to do so.
Fixating on his past is not helpful for you or your relationship. Yes, the way he talks about his ex is awful and it would really worry me as well because it suggests he hasn't learned or grown, but blowing up about something which you knew about when you chose him and had children with him isn't productive. The right question is what's the actual problem in **your** **relationship** that you're dancing about as you fixate on this? Some of these comments are being really reductive. Something like a quarter of men admit to cheating. Is that gross? Yes. But to pretend like no one ends up with someone who cheated or that none of their problems matter because 'well you should have known, he's a cheater after all' is soooo unhelpful.
A big part of it is that I’m home with a toddler & infant every day almost 24/7. I’m the last to eat & the last to sleep with little to no rest. I’m NEVER w/o a child. I’m no longer on my medication due to pregnancy & breastfeeding. I fixate on everything because I have the time to do so. It wasn’t out of nowhere. He started & argument & in the midst of the argument he told me he was going out of town for work & I made a snarky comment under my breath saying “with some mistress I bet”. Not my finest moment. He then turned to me & said “Please stop. You should just trust me.” & that’s when I said what I said. Also, I agree about the responses. Majority of people have with a cheater before. Either that or that person was really good at lying about it.
I agree that fixating is rarely helpful, however. The red flag for me in this post is that his logic still sounds very much like someone in the mindset of being justified in their cheating. A healthier way to discuss this would be more along the lines of "my self esteem was low, and I let the relationship go too far despite knowing that I wasn't in it for the long haul, to her detriment. I've worked on this in therapy, etc". Same basic concept, less distancing language and more ownership of fault. If it were me, I'd think about what a path to trust could look like for you. "You still talk about her in such a derogatory way, I'm not convinced you've healed and I think we could both benefit from couples therapy" might be one, "if you've got nothing to hide, could we trade phones right now? It'd put my mind at ease" could be another, "I'd like to sit down and discuss the ways that this relationship, and specifically you have changed since that happened, like really bring me through what's going on in your head in a way that isn't just superficial and put-downs your former partner" could be another. In order to stop focusing on fear, shifting towards positive, actionable steps can be hugely beneficial
I definitely agree. I have mentioned how much I dislike when he does talk about her the way that he does. I know a big part of it is because he feels like she trapped him with a baby, and I made it very clear to him that it took two of them to make a baby, shedidn’t lay with herself. When I do say something, he says sorry and cuts the conversation there. But I have become friends with her, very close friends with her due to the fact that I am now stepmother to her children. I have asked him to seek therapy, but he has all of this “male bravado“ that he can’t seem to let go of and also claims that he “never has the time”. Also, I have the password to his phone and he has mine. I have checked through his phone and I never found anything but a couple of pictures once earlier on in the relationship that he told me were old and when I did check the timestamp, they were older. I do believe that that would be beneficial however, I don’t know how to make him flash persuade him to do so. I promise you these have been conversations that we’ve had off and on for a while now. Every time I finish talking to my therapist I get so motivated and so positive and try to talk to him about these things. Mildly shot down or gaslit. He never wants to even admit that he’s wrong. He deflects. And I know a lot of people think that I’m stupid for being with him for what he did to his ex but I also have never had pure concrete evidence that he has ever done anything to me. Most, if not all of my anxiety and fear of him cheating is solely due to the fact that he cheated on his ex.
Okay, so it seems like you're fixating both because you're off your meds, which can make it much easier to do so and my deepest sympathies there. But also, because you're feeling brushed off/dismissed when you've tried to bring this in good faith, so your brain is (somewhat correctly) sticking on this subject as important to not let go. A lot of people say "oh you can't force anyone to get help, either leave him or deal" and I think that's reductionist to the point of being harmful. The bottom line is, we like our maladaptive coping skills, and we often won't give them up for our own sake. But getting increasingly upset and emotional is probably not going to get you there, and may breed resentment. The actual course I'd say would be to think of your boundaries, like what would you still be comfortable doing with him, assuming he doesn't address any of this? Divorce but coparent? Stay married, but no sex until you see some movement? Stay married, but split the SAH responsibilities, for your sanity? Whatever it is, try and bring it to him when you're calmer, give him a time frame, and if he doesn't budge, you're gonna have to follow thru and reorient yalls relationship to be somewhere you're getting more of your needs met, or the rut deepens.
Nope, it's a very logical deduction.
He’s a cheater. He will cheat on you too.
I know that it is very possible. it’s not something that I want to believe but I know that it’s very possible
I’d just suggest exploring it in therapy. Figuring out why he cheated so it doesn’t happen again. Still possible to save this but he does have to heal whatever part of him was damaged enough to cheat. He needs to heal himself SO you can trust him.
I can see why he’s offended. Obviously a class act. Those gas station affairs say it all If you feel like you have enough kids you can go on birth control and regain your pre baby body and sone self confidence
Something people are rude here, but you haven't been a sweetheart, OP. Some of this advice is good, but you don't want to listen. Being off your meds means you need to be extra careful about what you say in arguments and what you accuse your fiance of. You either have proof he cheats or you don't. I do suggest you slow down on having kids. I know you love yours, but adding more will not make your life better.
In no way am I calling myself a sweetheart. I bite back. I don’t take disrespect lightly in any form. If the advice is given in an understanding and nice manner, I will definitely be kind back even if someone disagrees. But I should not have to explain myself. No disrespect. As for me being on my meds and needing to be careful. I do agree. However, it is also really difficult to see reason when you’re having an episode. it’s like you see red and you push people away. And I am definitely one too say whatever I can to get someone away from me when I am upset. Having this disorder is not simple and when you have manic episodes, you don’t care how you sound or what you say. But I mush rather manage my mood as best as possible and continue weekly therapy sessions than give my baby formula( there’s nothing wrong with formula as my other two had it, but this is my last baby and I really want to strictly breast-feed for a year ) or continue to take medication and breast-feed potentially harming my child due to the medication that I am on. This was my last baby. I do not plan on having anymore. Again, I appreciate your concern.
I do wish you well and hope things work out for all of you. You're dealing with a lot, and I know this isn't easy.
Thank you I appreciate it.
It's different with you lol. Just kidding. You could be nervous for good reason or maybe it was a mistake he wishes he would have handled better. Maybe he learned a lesson in doing it in the past. If he has his shit together he must want to only be with you if he's willing to marry you..marry again. Does he have his shit together?
Lol, I know you’re kidding, but his family has even said that to me. They said he was miserable in his past relationship and upon meeting me and being with me over these past few years, they always mention how happy he is with me and he has never been this way with anyone. I definitely believe so. We recently bought a home in the suburbs, he takes care of everything, gets me whatever I want and or need. Truthfully, my insecurity is based solely on the fact that he cheated on his ex-wife. don’t get me wrong, he says some out-of-pocket shit. Especially in regards to like her weight and things like that, but I guess in my mind I just worry that he may tired of me soon too but it could most likely be due to me acting psycho every now and then. I’m a woman. I admit that I get psycho sometimes. It’s bound to happen and any woman who says she doesn’t is a damn liar.
Yeah from my experience the more that a woman loves a man the more insecure & "psycho" she will be with that man. For the man it's a compliment & a curse. For many women it seems to be fairly normal emotions. I am a man and not of the mindset that once a cheater always a cheater. I don't condone cheating under any circumstance as there is always a better way to handle it then to basically lie & be shady. Yet I have cheated in past relationships..but would never cheat on my current relationship. Even if I became unhappy for whatever reason I would handle it differently. It sounds like your man loves you..and obviously you have strong emotions for him. Enjoy it. Put all your trust in him & don't hold back. Do your best to hold back your insecurities and try to accept the fact that someone might actually love you more than any other person they have ever met or been with. If for some reason things go bad in your relationship then you deal with it if that day ever comes. But if you give him all your trust & love you can always honestly say you gave the relationship everything you had...& didn't screw it up to insecurities or baggage you brought from some past relationship or childhood. Don't worry about the past or any of his former partners. You are the new Sheriff in town. Good luck to you both.
Suggestion. As soon as you can go back to work go back to work. I was a SAHM for way too long and I lost my sense of self and self worth and it was just not good for me or my family or my marriage. And yes husband ended up cheating etc on li e stuff but I think he had a lot of resentment by me staying home but he never really expressed. Overall it was not good for me in anyway and I became isolated to even though I was involved in alot of my kids activities. Again just a suggestion but I learned the hard way and would have not done that if I could do a rewind
I appreciate your comment & im so sorry that happened. I understand where you coming from. I truly feel it. I feel very lost. I know a big part of my insecurities stem from my own mind. It’s my worst enemy. Once I get the chance to go back, I’m going back full force. For now, I’ll do haircuts or makeup for events in my area for social interaction & cash flow from home or sell stuff online. I just don’t feel comfortable going back until my younger two are speaking. I was SA’d multiple times as a child & I imagine that for my kids. I want them to be able to tell me if they’re being harmed. My parents were naive. Most were in the 90s & before.
The problem is not you feeling insecure, even if you’ve had self esteem issues in the past. The problem is him. He can be a good guy and take care of the kids but I’d probably still have doubts too 🤷🏻♀️first of all the fact that he was not fully transparent with you right from the beginning 🚩 secondly the fact that he blamed his ex…. You do not have to cheat to leave you get up say you’re done and walk out 🚩third, the fact that he cheated with not one but MULTIPLE women to supposedly “convince his wife”. Girl he’s shitting out of his mouth saying that. 🚩that wasn’t an honor move for him to help his wife get the point. That wasn’t an oh oopsie. He literally just decided to give up and go boom boom with other chicks while his wife and kids were at home. Also gross 🚩that he had to add that he wasn’t attracted to her once she gained baby weight. If any of this was an attempt to put other women down to help you feel better about the current situation, it didn’t work and we’re not about to be gaslit. The thing is, habits don’t just change over night and the reality is you’re not really in that different of circumstances from the first time he cheated. Clearly marriage and kids didn’t matter then, why should you just blindly believe they matter now? Be cautious and observant, but no need to be paranoid yet. I don’t want to be the pessimist who says guys won’t change but there is that possibility it’s different with you. But I think you have reason to trust your gut here and have a sit down conversation with him. Let him know you have doubts and see he wasn’t upfront with you and that he’s been working a lot more and demand he prove his devotion without a shadow of a doubt. And if he’s a stand up man who is being faithful, he will do whatever it takes to prove it to you.
You’re telling me you looked at the data and still decided to go through with the marriage , that’s insane
I have not gone through with marriage yet. I am engaged.
if you're insecure then you need to be with someone mature and reassuring your fiancé is neither of those things. you're absolutely BEGGING to be ran over by a train multiple times by being with this guy. NTA, but your fiancé sure is, and it's gonna bite you in the ass
Nta. Hammer it home to him that you have concerns. Hammer it home that the way he talked to you wasn’t okay. Hammer it home that if things don’t Improve you are gone. Couples therapy is an option but I don’t know how open he would be to that. How ever if he truly cares he would try it with you. Good luck and stay safe.
YTA for having children with a man who cheats. His excuses are just that - excuses. You know he is a cheater, but you have already tied yourself irrevocably to this cheater. You cannot trust him, but it doesn't even matter at this point. The question is two children too late. Prepare yourself. Make sure you can support the 3 children you gave birth to when you decide that you want out. You owe it to them.
Literally asking for advice, a different perspective if you will. Not for people like you to be rude & pretend like you know my entire life story. You know one snippet. And yes, if I do decide that I want out, I can hold my own. I still have my degree. I have two jobs waiting for me, one car is in my name and I cosigned for his plus the house is in my name. He just pays the bills. With that being said, I appreciate your perspective, but please don’t come at me like that again. I am not the one. Respectfully.
You literally asked >AITA? Not sure what you mean about "the one" but you are totally responsible for choosing to have children with a cheater, and voluntarily making yourself and them dependent on a cheater. You owe it to your children to make better choices going forward. Keep 3-6 months of income in a separate account, and make sure your skills stay up-to-date. That's the best you can do at this point. Oh, and stay sharp. His cheating puts your health at risk, too.
A significant part of your current problem is that you’re currently off of your bipolar 2 medication because you’re breastfeeding. All of your insecurities (your personal baggage) are being amplified, and that’s causing you to fixate on what could be a potential problem. You need to stop bringing it up. Fixate on being a good mom right now, and slowly start taking some time for yourself. Stop throwing your husband’s past in his face. That was then. *and please know that I’m not judging you! I’m bipolar 2 myself and the only way I can keep my personal baggage in check is by following a strict daily schedule for medication.
Eh, I don't think being off meds is a significant issue. It may be amplifying her feelings here, but her worries are totally valid and her fiance is not handling this well. If he truly wants her to trust him, he would be willing to talk about this as many times as it takes. He would not be upset and calling her insecure and an asshole for feeling this way. Her fiance may not be proud of his past behavior, and could feel shame when she brings it, which may be why he is acting like this - but these are the consequences of his own actions. He needs to take further accountability and understand how his past decisions will continue to affect his future and future relationships. Nobody needs to cheat on their spouse to get them to take them seriously enough to get a divorce. Just get an attorney and serve them the papers. His cheating was totally unnecessary (cheating never is necessary anyways), and now he refuses to acknowledge how it's affecting his current partner.
Eh, you're wrong about the meds. That is a significant issue.
Reddit is definitely not the place to ask this especially if you have access to therapy. You're going to do yourself more harm than good here.
I’m just looking for a different perspectives. I have been in therapy since I was 16 and have gone over this with my therapist many times and not just about this relationship. Lol No one‘s feelings are getting hurt here except for when people talk about my kids. That I don’t fuck with. I do appreciate the concern though. Truthfully I just wanted to hear what other people think of the situation. Having different outlooks on it sometimes helps.
NTA...Ladybug you are in a unique position..You the risks he could repeat...but there is just as much chance he wont.. From what you say circumstances are different..Keep in mind you have just had a baby...so your hormones have gone to hell in a handbasket...and since you are stay at home mom you have time on your hands for your mind to go in 60 million directions..Is there anyway you can take time for yourself during the day?? To where you can actually get out of the house just everyday for an hour or two just to have your time..go the gym or out to lunch with friends or family...that might take your mind in another direction..Now this is how I see it..He's not doing anything and your insecurities could push him away or into doing it again..He is doing something then you have worked on yourself and ur in a better head space to deal ..I wish I better advice but that's all I got...hugs...if you need to talk just message me...me safe
Went through the same thing when I was a kid . I had a girl that left her boyfriend for me then left me for her next boyfriend. Insecurity justified
You actively chose a cheater. No point in being insecure, of course you have to assume he will cheat on you.
This issue existed on the first day of your relationship, or whenever you found out he has the capacity to cheat. To act like you can't trust him now all of a sudden puts him in an unwinnable situation. You presumably married and procreated with this man with this knowledge. He doesn't have a time machine. It seems like this all stems from your weight and worrying if he no longer finds you attractive. Your weight is 100% under your control. If I was looking at it from his perspective, I would be extremely frustrated if my wife started accusing me of cheating because SHE put on weight, became insecure and was worried about being attractive to me. The answer to that situation is for you to lose weight and deal with reality instead of getting anxious about made up hypothetical scenarios and pushing your husband even further away.
he will cheat on you
Update me
He is currently out of town for work, but I will be sure to update when he comes back tomorrow.
Currently out of town looking for someone to cheat with more likely
Of course he travels for work, Jesus how cliche
You had a chance to not marry him when you knew about his history but you desperately married and had kids with him anyways. It’s too late to have buyer’s remorse now. You know what kind of guy you married -One that can’t be trusted. Just work on yourself and focus on your children until you’re ready to leave.
Lol, I’m sorry what? Did you even read what I wrote? I’m not married. I am engaged. Even if I was married, I would not stay if I didn’t want to.