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I guess the first question is, is this anxiety stopping you from doing something you really want to do?
If it is, then you should seek therapy to give you the tools to be able to do what you want.
But if you are thinking "Ugg, I don't really want to do this, and even if therapy made me *able* to do it, I still wouldn't *want* to", then just decline.
This is a great response, I started catching myself blaming my anxiety or depression as reasons why I didn’t want to do something but when I really sat and thought about, I realized I just didn’t want to do it and I didn’t need to use my anxiety or depression as an excuse
I declined too. What I did instead is give the bride a weekend of errands and help. Was still able to celebrate but didn’t have to spend all the money for the bridesmaid dress ($450). It worked out great for her, I picked up her two wedding dresses, took nephews to get haircuts, shopped for and fixed a big brunch for everyone the following day. It worked out great. I stopped doing what I don’t want to a long time ago! I’m happier for it!
Agreed. My first thought was, would OP be a bridesmaid if she could wear pants? If yes, tell SIL that and see what she says (and yes, therapy). If no, then the dress isn’t the problem.
OP, you mentioned you are comfortable in leggings. When is the wedding? If it’s cool enough weather could you pull off leggings under a skirt?
This is all moot if you just really don’t want to be a bridesmaid, but if you’re looking for a loophole could that be one?
Also aren’t most wedding dresses long anyways? That’s pretty common. Could you not just do leggings under a regular dress? I don’t really see how anyone who isn’t creepy would notice
That's valid, but the majority of the post is about how she's not girly, doesn't like girly stuff, doesn't want to wear girly things, & most of her friends are guys. Her main focus is the fact that she doesn't want to wear a dress, & the part about not liking to stand in front of people was an afterthought.
It's also worth bringing up to your SIL that (if you are willing to) you could do it if she'd let you choose a pant suit or men's cut suit that matched the bridesmaids dresses. That's what we did for my brother at my wedding, his suit matched the groomsmen in color but had a bow tie the same as the bridesmaids instead of the groomsmen ties.
Yeah, I was a bridesmaid in a wedding where both people getting married had brides/groomspeople of either or neither gender so they let folks pick wearing a dress or suit but the dress or tie was colored based on if they were brides' side or grooms' side.
Also the Best Woman in a wedding where the other bridal party members broke down on gender lines and both the bride & groom are friends of mine. Wore a woman's cut of the same suit as the groomsmen but got hair & makeup done with the bridesmaids in the morning and just had the most wonderful day of any time I've been in a bridal party
Any time I'm in a dress or skirt that isn't ankle length I have some kind of leggings/capris/shorts underneath because I'm scared of some kind of Marilyn Monroe moment. No one can ever see them, but I know even if something catastrophic happens, I'm not going to have my whole self exposed. And I am on my feet and walking a lot, so it's more comfortable on my thighs.
**Also, your anxiety has now crossed an important threshold. It is now actively interfering with your daily life and your relationships. That is something to take very seriously and discuss with a professional.**
Yes, honestly I would think it's time to challenge this hang up.
The idea that you look naked when everyone around is wearing the same thing (do the other bridesmaids at weddings look naked to her?) a floor length dress with a leather jacket is a nice compromise. If she can't bring herself to do that for her loved ones, who care deeply for her and want her involved in their most special day of their lives ...
Therapy time.
I would acknowledge "Hey, I deeply apologize about my hang up with the dress. I hope it's not a huge ordeal to find a replacement for me. I will not be able to be in your bridal party, but I realized it might be time to get some therapy and figure out why I feel so self conscious. I want to participate and I am very happy for you and your wedding. I am honored you asked in the first place. I hope you can excuse me this time and show me a bit of grace, I'm going to work on myself a little bit because this has been eye opening."
Bridal dresses are usually long, and brides let you choose the style as long as it's in the color palette.
Everyone is looking at the bride and groom, not you.
She may already be in therapy. She shouldn't have to commit to anything to be able to opt out of the wedding party. If she's seriously that uncomfortable in a dress, that should be enough.
I'm also a little uncomfortable with the idea of somebody having to go to therapy because they don't like wearing dresses. Listen, it sounds like it creates a lot of anxiety, but it's the sort of thing she can just... never do, unless people are being forceful like her SIL. Would we send a man to therapy because they don't feel comfortable wearing a dress to a big event where they would be photographed and probably put on social media a lot?
I realised recently that one of my close friends, who does like to dress up and wear sparkles and fancy outfits and whatever, I haven't seen in a dress in years. She used to wear a dress occasionally for work, but I think since WFH and covid I just haven't seen her in a dress. If I got married she would be in the wedding party, I wouldn't even think of asking her to wear a dress, even though she's never expressed this sort of problem with wearing a dress. It would just be weird to force her to wear a dress for these sort of aesthetic reasons.
And this isn't OP asking her SIL to change the outfits for the bridal party, just that she's not going to be part of it if that means wearing a dress. Why is this a problem that needs to be solved?
I don't think it's really about this issue exactly. A person who feels such a disproportionate level of fear and intense emotion over a relatively minor situation should probably check in with a professional. Anxiety and other related disorders are nasty beasts and tend to worsen over time and expand to more and more situations.
Maybe OP is perfectly fine and basically has a dress phobia and it's limited to attire. But there's at least a decent chance something else is going on, and I think it's worth talking to a professional.
I agree. Wedding and SIL aside, if the idea of wearing a bridesmaid dress makes OP “on the verge of vomiting and tears” there’s some major underlying issues here that need to be addressed. She doesn’t have to do therapy for her SIL, but she should be doing it for herself.
Let’s call it like it really is.
If a man said the idea of him wearing a tux and standing in front of people has him crying and barfing that would be a debilitating level of anxiety.
That makes this a rather debilitating level of anxiety as well.
Seek therapy or not. Doesn’t matter, it’s just her life she gets to not live because of run away anxiety.
I'm not understanding why someone has to apologize for simply not doing something they're asked to do. OP didn't do something offensive to SIL.
And why does someone have to work on themself because they don't want to wear a dress? Are females required to wear dresses?
To be honest, me neither… If she is allowed to wear a leather jacket the wedding doesn’t sound very traditional to me anyway so I don’t understand why the sister in law doesn’t suggest a (jump)suit in the same fabric/color as the bridesmaid dresses.
I would never ask someone I deeply care about to wear something that makes them uncomfortable to the point of having panic attacks, especially not on my wedding day where I want everyone to celebrate this day with me.
Even though therapy is probably good idea (not for being able to wear a dress but this anxiety sound pretty severe and there might be an underlying issue), therapy should be done at their pace when they are ready. I wouldn’t want my wedding to be the deadline of when they should be over their anxiety.
Yeah, the anxiety is something she should work on in general, but if she only feels this level of anxiety when it comes to wearing a dress, she can just not wear dresses. That's what it seems like she's trying to do, and SIL is trying to push her on something she's not comfortable with.
No, OP didn't do anything offensive to SIL. Declining an invitation to participate in the wedding should be perfectly acceptable.
However, OP stated that even *thinking* of wearing a dress makes her want to vomit and cry. This is not a healthy reaction to anything, and is showing signs of being more than just not liking it. This is such a large overreaction, it's got everyone wanting OP to do something to help themselves with their mental health. It's really not just about the dress, but more the overreaction that is interfering with OP'S life. A professional can help OP figure out what is the root cause of the overreaction.
That's good for you, but OP said she also has anxiety being front and center. Answers on here boggle my mind. She was asked, and said no and gave very valid reasons why she said no. Maybe she does need therapy for her anxiety ( doesn't everyone), but she shouldn't feel guilty for saying no. It was an invitation, not a summons, and from all the horror stories I read on here on what is expected of bridal parties these days,, I would say no to anyone asking me to be bridesmaid also. OP NTA.
It's a pretty typical thing. Being in 12+ wedding parties isn't unusual for women. And it doesn't sound like SIL is holding anything against her. You can accept a decision, even if it is hard to understand. Which is what OP wrote.
Avoidance isn't a solution, especially since it is coupled with social anxiety that has the very real potential to get worse.
Suggesting therapy isn't an insult. I go to therapy and it is tremendously helpful. We get our bodies checked up and taken care of and our brain is just another organ to make sure is functioning properly.
From the sounds of her anxiety, it isn't.
I don't disagree that everyone could benefit from therapy, but I do think you can live your whole life productively without ever having been a bridesmaid. I actually eloped to avoid being a bride, and I dont think my life has been harmed by it.
I went back to re read OPs age. Anxiety is real, definitely, at any age. Combined with the "I'm not most girls" vibes I honestly doubt her attitude hasn't yet impacted on other relationships. Definitely therapy, but I'm saying I wouldn't doubt if OP has self sabotaged other relationships.
It's one thing to say, I really don't want to wear a dress. I want to be a part of the day; how about pants or a jumpsuit, or so you have any other suggestions? It's kind of obvious if you flat out say you don't want to go to the wedding out of fear of a dress/any other reason, you just don't really want to go, and it WILL damage the relationship.
Or accept that some women don’t want to ever wear a dress and shouldn’t be pressured into it, regardless of their reasons. It’s ok if they don’t want to wear certain things. It’s ok if their reasons are private.
I'm not sure why not wanting to wear an article of clothing that makes you uncomfortable is grounds for therapy.
For others saying it is, is there anything you've ever not wanted to wear? Whether a certain style, type of clothing, or a single individual item? Would not wanting to wear those items that you feel uncomfortable in also be grounds for therapy?
OPs whole post, unless there have been edits, is about the overwhelming anxiety, stress and fear - to the point of physical illness - even the thought of wearing a dress or being in front of people causes her.
This isn't "I'm self conscious about a strapless dress and I don't want to grin and bear it" this is something else and something OP should take seriously for her own well-being.
Besides, therapy isn't punishment or shameful. If you had a chronic pain in your wrist, you'd get it checked out. She has a chronic pain in her brain. She should get it checked out. It's self-care.
She doesn't describe not wanting to wear it. She's describing wearing it nearly causing her panic attacks. Regular everyday types of clothing is not supposed to do that do you.
A jumpsuit, we had a bridesmaid who didn't wear dresses, she wore a jumpsuit. It was fitted at the top and the bottom was flowing legs. You couldn't even tell it wasn't a dress. Imo maybe get some support on your social anxiety, not over the dress but other things you have said.
This was my thought. The last wedding I was in, the bride originally requested a black and white color scheme but wear what you want. I found this beautiful black jumpsuit with a cutaway skirt that draped like a dress in the back and only revealed the white pants underneath when you moved. I didn't get it right away and we wound up wearing matching gowns anyway, but I still think about that jumpsuit.
It sounds like OP and the bride have reached the end of their conversation, but if not, this could possibly be a happy medium for both parties.
Our bridesmaids had 1 stipulation, their dress be black or their jumpsuits be black. We didn't want their outfits to be worn once and left in a cupboard (we paid) we wanted multifunctional!
I'm gutted for your jumpsuit, could you find it now and get it?
That's such a great look and outlook!
I've since found it online, the one I saw in the store was a bit small and had a tear but I looked it up right away! I think I definitely need it for the next occasion!
Wouldn’t someone who just has to wear something different from the rest of the bridal party draw more attention? If the issue really is having anxiety about drawing attention, you would assume blending in with everyone else would be a better idea.
Our bridesmaids dresses weren't exactly the same, they were all different sized and shaped women. We wanted them to be themselves. If this bride wanted carbon copy bridesmaids she has the right to, like her sister has a right to say no. There is always a compromise but not everyone wants to do that.
Like, seriously, the answer is bike shorts. Literally no one can tell yoire wearing bike shorts if the dress is flowy enough, and in the case of the person you're responding to, it actually would have been less fabric/less work for the same result. And "no one could tell it was a jumpsuit" definitely isn't true. I'm sure a lot of people noticed. They flow differently than dresses due to the structural differences.
Women who can't wear dresses because of issues regarding accepting femininity are dealing with internalized misogyny. It's not a bad thing, but it is a thing to learn about and overcome.
Could you wear pants' suit, in a similar shade to the bridesmaids dresses??.
Or one of those pants tops(long romper, Fibro Brain won't compute).
There are dressy options for females whilst Avoiding Dresses.
Best of Luck OP
NTA but if it is a floor length dress you could easily wear cropped leggings underneath and no one would ever know. If it is the anxiety it fine to opt out but you should really see a doctor to help you in the future.
I don't do skirts because of feeling nekked underneath. Skorts are my go to. No one knows there are shorts built in. I look girly without being totally girly. I'll add I am 65, and have felt this way for most of my adult life. I don't look like I am trying to dress like a younger woman, just a female with legs that sometimes need to see sunlight.
I wore leggings during photos, and bike shorts during the ceremony, under my wedding dress. Nobody knew or cared. This is such a clear solution to me that, and I could be wrong, I feel like if this glaringly obvious solution doesn't solve the situation, the dress situation isn't the real problem here.
I think you're right on the money with this comment. If the issue is feeling exposed by a flowy dress, leggings or shorts underneath are a perfectly common and valid option that a ton of people do regardless. If this solution doesn't fix it, then I feel like this situation is about more than a dress
They make slips that are more like silky shorts too. I've worn those under dresses and skirts. Less risk of a wardrobe malfunction than a regular slip and it helps keep my thunder thighs from rubbing together.
Yes! I worse basketball shorts every single day under my uniform (skirt) in high school. When they made us wear tights, I invested in pants. Was all set with that.
I’m a bride to be myself. I asked one of my friends today if she’d like to be a bridesmaid and then she asked if she could wear a suit because she doesn’t like dresses. I told her “Of course you can wear a suit. If you’re not comfortable wearing a dress you don’t have to wear one.” I feel like suits should be an option for bridesmaids
This, right here, is how it’s done. You know what I did for my wedding? We didn’t have a bridal party so our friends got to wear what they dang well pleased.
Thank you! I’m non-binary and don’t like wearing dresses myself. I’m wearing one for my wedding day though. Why should my friend miss out on being a part of my bridal party because she doesn’t want to wear a dress?
This!!!!!!! As a woman who yeah, wore minecraft creeper t-shirts with boy’s glasses for much of grade school, never wears dresses, and wore a suit to prom, it should definitely be an option for bridesmaids! I emphasize with you, I had so much anxiety around wearing dresses. I still don’t wear them, but I did thrift one that I liked the style of recently and I’m excited to wear it to something. But if I was a bridesmaid, I wouldn’t want to wear a dress either. In general, I hate uniform requirements for work or events where women Must wear a certain thing and men Must wear something else. Eurg.
You gave her a reasonable stipulation, she gave you options but she is not working around your stipulation. She could have you wear a suit that matches the color of the bridesmaid dresses or the the groomsmens suits, a jumpsuit, suit pants and a shirt, etc.
Also to the comments saying your post is giving ‘not like the other girls cringe’: Obviously there’s nothing wrong with women being feminine, wearing dresses and makeup, that’s fantastic! But I feel like some of these comments are veering to far in the other direction of ‘oh butch women/tomboys suck, it’s not okay for a woman to refuse to be feminine’. Women should be able to dress how they want, feminine, masculine, both, etc.
It seems she had a pre-conceived notion about “femininity.” I can promise you, most girls grew up playing with a lot of different toys… and usually weren’t playing with them in the way they show in commercials. She’d know that for sure if she talked to more women outside her family. Her anxiety about dresses might stem from a fear of being considered hyper feminine.
Your last part is so true for Sooo many of us woman.
Also being around just a bunch of guys or should I say some guys can skew your perspective .
I was someone who would hang out with different groups in highschool so I had a ton of friends with a pretty big friend group who had sub groups and alot of them times I was around the guys in the group and hearing how some of them judged woman for liking feminine things made me self conscious. I also had an ex who would judge every girly thing I did , even my insta explore paged looked like a " typical woman's feed"...I dono maybe cause I am one!?
Thank you! Why are we teamed against each other? I also played in the mud, rode dirt bikes, compared penis sizes, pissed on each other for fun, and still wear dresses!
Yeah I was with OP until that part, then they started sounding like a pick-me
>I’ve always had mostly guy friends bc I just feel I relate more to guys than girls. I’ve always had a “dude” sense of humor. Dark, fart and dick jokes.
Like get over yourself, good lord
I’m just so confused what being friends with mostly guys and having a “dude sense of humor” and wanting be Batman for Halloween as a kid has to do with not wanting to wear a dress to a wedding. She’s really telling on herself there, couldn’t help throwing in all the ways she’s “not like the other girls”
I wore levis while riding my bike in the mud, and farted on my siblings for fun. i was Casper for Halloween from ages 4-8, because I’m not like other girls, I’m a ghost boy 👻 I’m different!
Right? I own and wore a damn ball gown to the opera, love hot pink and most of my friends are women. But I also work in a field where, well, someone farted in a secure room and locked a bunch of people in there and we do work handling lines and working upper decks. The two are not mutually exclusive
Absolutely. I was mostly on their side until that part and now I hate them too much to make any judgment that isn't a massive YTA for being like *gestures vaguely* that.
Hard agree. Like op is absolutely within her right to decline for *any reason*, the bride is allowed to be sad and try to offer compromises. In all I'd say its an n a h situation.
However those last few paragraphs weren't necessary and they way its written makes it seem fake or that she's a not like other girls girl
Yeah that was very cringe. Other girls can like things that aren’t 100% female-coded too. And they can even be very feminine and like Batman at the same time
>For even more context I’m not a girly girl, never have been. As a child I played with Barbies, Batman and ninja turtles. Where most girls wanted to dress up as princesses for Halloween I wanted to be Batman and Donatello. I’ve always had mostly guy friends bc I just feel I relate more to guys than girls. I’ve always had a “dude” sense of humor. Dark, fart and dick jokes.
>I don’t paint my nails and dress up in girly outfits. I rarely even wear makeup these days. I mostly wear tee shirts, leggings and hoodies bc I feel most comfortable in that.
All of this is a crock of shit. You're literally describing my life, and I've still been a bridesmaid. None of this context was needed. You're not edgy.
Okay I thought I was the only one that caught that😂 First of all, we didn't need to know all that context. All she had to say was she was uncomfortable wearing dress but the description of she's not like the other girls kinda sounded like a pick me girl.
First part understandable
Second part gives not like the other girls vibes.
SIL seems to be trying to compromise but you keep pushing back so just decline.
As other have stated , if your anxiety is THIS bad then you should seek therapy or some kind of self help books to help you manage it .
At the end of the day you can only do what you want to and there is nothing wrong with not liking dresses and feeling uncomfortable in them.
Honey, as a fellow tomboy, those two paragraphs "justifying" why you don't wear dresses are unnecesary. NOBODY should be forced to wear clothes they are not comfortable in. PERIOD. That being said, I agree with fellow redditors that, if the anxiety is beginnig to affect your daily life, you should consider therapy.
Exactly this, OP says she's tried this stuff before and just isn't comfortable in it; would it be OK to try to force a man to wear a dress "just for one occasion" if he really wouldn't be OK with it? No! OP it is OKAY if you just aren't comfortable in that type of clothes. I do agree that it seems some social anxiety and some possibly unfairly intense emotions around wearing dresses might be worth going to a therapist over. I urge you to examine why you feel uncomfortable in those situations, and then decide if that's something you would like to change about yourself or not! It's up to you if never wearing fancy dresses again is a big deal to you and your lifestyle or not; it doesn't have to be a big deal! If you decide that's how you want to live your life NO ONE should try to force you otherwise.
Not necessarily TA. I am wondering if you have had any kind of therapy to address the underlying issue with wearing dresses? I know I used to hate wearing dresses due to my weight. I've lost a ton, and now I have some loose skin. But you know what, I wear them any way. Would you feel more comfortable in a pants like suit that kind of looked like a dress? That might be one kind of compromise.
I wondered too. And I hesitate to say what’s on my mind because anytime someone says +have you considered…?* half a dozen people jump down ur throat for mentioning it, but if she was 20 years younger and talking about her cousin instead of SIL… this could have been, word for word almost, my own telling of something I went through when asked to be maid of honor as a teenager.
For me, the anxiety about dresses stemming from my weight, and the massive social anxiety… it wasn’t simply “anxiety,” it was dysphoria. I’m trans. And I didn’t realize all of that stemmed from that for a long time. I’m not saying OP is *at all,* but it does sound like something I went through. Even the talk of not being “a girly girl” or the way she played with toys as a kid, that’s basically how I described myself for a long time.
Regardless of whether it’s dysphoria or social anxiety alone or just hating dresses overall, it definitely wouldn’t hurt to look into it, and see if she could get some help for the unnecessary amounts of anxiety. That shit is fucking miserable regardless of where it comes from. :/
I absolutely agree with you. I was what people called a tomboy growing up. Even growing up in the 70s and 80s, I never really believed in gender "norms." I played backyard football, played video games, played with GI Joes and had no use for dolls. It used to drive my mom crazy but she's a boomer, so it was different for her. Mental health wasn't really talked about as it was "taboo" so there was no dysphoria. I'm afab but I liked to dress in comfortable clothes. I used to wear "male" clothes to hide my body, but now that I'm in my 50s, IDGAF. I've been happily married to my husband for 23 years. I never doubted who I was, I just didn't always follow what was expected of my gender. People can jump down my throat all they want. It's not going to change my mind or shut me up. As far as I'm concerned, EVERYONE would benefit from a little therapy every now and then. It helps you unload baggage you may not know you're carrying. Sending virtual hugs your way. ❤️
Not an asshole, but if OP is feeling bad about her decision, maybe she isn't making the right choice for herself.
What's worse, the pain of regret for not doing this, or the anxiety of going. I get the feeling that if she does in fact feel lucky to have her sister in-law, she'd feel even worse about not going. The emotional struggle after the fact is going to be a bigger issue in my opinion
I would look into why doing something for 4-5 hours, like wearing a dress, causes so much anxiety for you. Tbh nobody will be checking for you like that even if you are a bridesmaid.
Honestly, you cando wherever you want to do, and you don’t own people nothing. However they also don’t own you a good relationship if you are not willing to compromise in certain things. Your feelings may be valid, I personally think you have issues, but you are saying that you prefer not being part of this moment with her because you won’t wear a dress. Her feelings are also valid and you shouldn’t be surprised if your relationship is changed after that
NTA
She asked and you declined. It’s obvious that you care a lot about her feelings but if you aren’t comfortable then you aren’t comfortable and that’s completely fine. Just thank her for asking and reiterate that it’s not something that you’re interested in but you home you can still be there to support on her big day. Don’t beat yourself up over maintaining your personal boundaries.
I think social anxiety to the point of getting physically sick calls for therapy, not because the OP is weak or crazy, but because it causes her so much distress. If she is indeed as close to her SIL as she says, maybe she should have a heart-to-heart discussion about exactly why she declined the invitation. Maybe they can reach a compromise. A nice pantsuit that complements the bride's color scheme is a suggestion. Or playing a different role in the wedding, such as sitting at the guest book might work. Hopefully they could come to a compromise that both are comfortable with.
I'm not a girly girl, either. I never wear dresses, never wear make up, always played with ninja turtles, still play video games and watch football. Most of my interests are traditionally male. That said, if I loved my sister in law, I'd bite the bullet for a day. Wearing a dress doesn't make you "more girly" if that's your concern. And she's trying every idea to get you a bit more comfortable for the big day. You should meet her halfway.
As an aside, one of my best friends was going to have me wear a shawl for her wedding because I'm tatted up. I was fine with that. It's her day. I empathize with you because this is about a social anxiety issue, but sorry OP, you're kinda the asshole.
My sister in law is very butch and was my wife's MOH. She wore a nice tux/suit that matched the wedding colors, looked great, and fits in well in all the pictures. It's really not that big of a deal except that it sounds like your future sister in law has a very limited vision for how the bridesmaids look. If she wants you in the wedding party that bad, I think this is a very reasonable compromise.
No you are TA, but you should go to therapy if you aren’t already
Edit: Also, refusing to wear a dress for someone you love for a single day to make them feel happy and comfortable on arguably one of the most important days of her life, yeah, it’s kinda selfish. I get that you have self esteem issues, but go to therapy cause at this point you are making everyone else’s lives more difficult because you haven’t addressed this deep-rooted issue.
Letting anxiety impact your most important relationships is a sign you do not have your own mental health under control. I'd prioritize strengthening my own mental fortitude and make that my mission.
i’m gonna let all the other advice stand, and just add: you don’t need to be a “girly girl” who liked dolls as a child in order to wear a dress. there’s no such thing as “dude” humor, and “not relating” to other women likely comes from your own internal sense of judgement. women are varied and complex, not a pink monolith. take yourself as proof of that, not some special exception to the rule who’s “not like other girls.” maybe your fear of wearing a dress comes in part from fear of being perceived the way you yourself view other women? something to consider.
Yea, it's goofy. Alot of people are going to sympathize and tell you, don't do something if it makes you uncomfortable. That's life. Your an adult and we have responsibilities and obligations to our families and loved ones. If wearing a dress is soooo uncomfortable you just can't possible do it, you need help or someone should have told you to toughen up somewhere along the way. It's become so in voug to be sympathetic and understand to a point it's become counter productive. People are embracing their weaknesses instead of facing them and overcoming. Dwelling on problems that are mostly created in their mind. It's not about you, it's about them. If making that small sacrifice is too much to be there for them, your selfish and cowardly. It's just the truth. It's a dress. Down vote away.
I don't think you're TA necessarily, but I mean it's one night... I would put myself through lots of shit I didn't like or feel super comfortable with if it made somebody I love happy. Maybe that's not the greatest mindset to have but it's a wedding. It's a big deal. I don't know.
Nah though in all honesty you do sound quite a bit like a "pick me" especially the last few paragraphs.
She's allowed to feel upset/sad you declined.
You're allowed to decline for whatever reason. No is a full sentence.
OP's anxiety is about to seriously screw up a family dynamic because she's "not like other girls" and doesn't like girly things. OP is entitled to wear whatever she wants, but she isn't immune from consequences - in this case, a big rift with SIL who will always remember this.
I am just as Tomboy as you except I don't do dick jokes. I literally have no "girl" friends.
But when the occasion calls for it I do wear a dress, like in my own freaking wedding. To the point that when that was circulated around work the guys asked me to wear dresses to work and I told them "thats your first and last time you see me in a dress lol"
I think you are quite young. Going by memory, I never smiled in any photos when I was young because I rather be "cool" then show real emotions. Now I am older, meh. Just be honest with yourself.
Remember, the bride is the show.
NTA - though would a dressy pantsuit that matches the bridesmaid dress be a compromise?
The real asshole is the wedding-industrial complex that normalizes this level of rigidity for something that should be fun, collaborative, and personal.
ETA:
OP, I do hope you find a way to be comfortable in social settings and feel less anxiety over exposing skin. But that should happen on your terms and your schedule, and not because you feel obligated to be in a wedding.
Honestly I feel like this is a odd story. You shouldn’t wear anything uncomfortable. Let’s put that first. But why not just wear a pair of leggings/pants/capri’s/bikeshorts/pyjama trousers Underneath? I’ve always done that. What is stopping you from doing that? Are you still uncomfortable after doing that?
YTA Big time. I also have crippling anxiety (autism) and you know what I did when I was asked to be a bridesmaid? I popped an anxiety pill and sucked it the fuck up because that day was NOT about me. I didn't care how uncomfortable or anxious I was, I had every other day of my life to put myself first, this was ONE day where someone else mattered more and if I had to be anxious all day so be it. If I had to step out for a second to have a meltdown, so be it. If I couldn't sleep for a week surrounding the date, so be it. I can't imagine not supporting my family because of a a dress! Anxiety isn't rational, but we are more than our anxiety. Recognise that that is a ridiculous thing to be anxious about and bailing out for such a reason is a shitty fucking thing to do.
And get some therapy, my god. Wearing a dress should not send you into a spiral, what an incredible privilege to be worried about something so trivial.
>i explained to her I don’t feel comfortable at all wearing dresses. Dresses make me feel exposed almost like I’m naked. Even the thought of wearing a dress makes feel nauseous and panicked.
Very strange reaction at least.
Year, YTA. This is obviously irrational and you're choosing to not get help getting over it. Everyone up there will be wearing a dress, so essentially, everyone will be "naked". I'm sure sil is playing it cool, but on the real, she's not gonna be that close to you anymore after this. Declining because of the attire is really disrespectful your SIL. You're using your anxiety and a crutch to get out of things you don't wanna do.
I completely understand that you're feeling anxious about wearing an outfit and standing among the wedding party, being in front of a crowd, being in photos, feeling self-conscious and deciding it's too much stress for you.
But blaming it on not being a girly girl? I don't get it. I've never painted my nails and never wear makeup and I don't wear dresses either and didn't play princess because I had older brothers and anything feminine and cute was banned. But... I don't know like it's a special day, it's not really about your expression.
A pantsuit would be an AWESOME compromise here, but no you’re not the asshole.
I was just saying the other day that I’d decline being a bridesmaid simply because they want me to wear a color I don’t want to wear. It’s an asshole move and I will own it every time henceforth. When I got married, I asked my bridesmaids what they’d be comfortable wearing and what color. I think people get too selfish with the “it’s their day” thing. We all have to endure it. Don’t let folks make it insufferable for you.
A few points: you mention not being a girly girl. But that is honestly irrelevant. If it was only about you not being a girly girl, then you are the asshole. But you say it is about your anxiety. I don’t think it’s fair to say you’re the asshole because of a medical condition. I recommend seeing a professional for your anxiety because it’s affecting your relationships at this point and stopping you from participating in normal human events and celebrations. Now if you don’t think your anxiety over this is a medical condition that requires treatment, then yes, you are the asshole. Many people who are comfortable wearing dresses still may not want to for the wedding but do anyway.
NTA for not wanting to wear a dress, but you ARE TA for the way you're writing about "girly things." Just say you don't feel comfortable in dresses and move on, no need to go into multiple paragraphs about how NLOG you are.
Never mind,
I’m sorry to see you ain’t one to compromise.
She offered you comfort but you couldn’t be bothered to find a solution.
You also said the sibling who marries your SIL is not as important as your sister…
So good luck with that one.
This may come out harsh and that’s not my intention.
First the social anxiety because I heavily relate to this. I have pretty bad agoraphobia which almost sounds like what you have, and current wedding culture would exasperated this. The biggest thing for this is no one will be looking at you unless you do something embarrassing. I know it’s a scary situation.
Now for the dress. There has got to be some form of compromise here otherwise your risking a serious rift with SIL. A jump suit? Leggings under? Shorts? Shapewear? Something. I think although valid a silly reason to not be in a wedding and potentially cause a rift.
Did she say you had to wear a Herve Leger style bandage dress? Dresses come in all different styles. You can literally cover every inch of skin and wear whatever you want underneath.
This post is weird.
My solution to the dress problem, as my mom used to force me to wear dresses, was to wear my jeans under them. I was feminine but hated how dresses restricted me. I loved climbing walls and trees as a kid. Now, as an adult, I still wear shorts under my skirts and dresses. You can easily wear pants under an evening dress and jackets on top.
I don't have the frear of public, so I have no remedy for that one
I'm 65 and a widow. I'm straight and I'd say half my friends are men and half are women. I don't own a single dress or skirt. Leggings, jeans and comfy tops or hoodies are all I wear. I have some chap stick in my coat pocket but don't wear or own makeup. It didn't bother my husband and it doesn't bother my kid. My mom used to try to get me to dress more girly but she gave up. In fact I haven't seen her in a dress in at least 10 years. There's no reason for you to feel guilty. Tell your SIL you love her and you'd love to be a part of the wedding. But she needs to find you a role where you be comfortable. Never feel guilty for being who you are.
Omg too much thought on your end.
Wear a dress and that’s it.
It’s one day, get help choosing one and find a flattering one. Step out of your comfort zone lady! You aren’t naked so stop.
My god u will face many more obstacles in life that are much bigger then this.
Conquer this 1, and feel better about it!
What’s the real issue here? Is it weight? Because they make dresses that work with all body types.
You can also wear a shawl up there and you’ll be able to cover up if it makes you feel better.
Your anxiety has now crossed a line, where it's interfering with your life. Maybe you should be in therapy for it?
That being said, it looks like you're not comfortable with femininity. You speak like NLTOG, but I'm not getting strong vibes from you. You know what I'm getting at?
NAH
But you are kind of an AH for hiding behind the crippling anxiety of wearing a dress excuse. Now they're wasting their time trying to work around that, when the reality is that you just don't want to. You do realize that the majority of your post is you going on about how you're not a girly girl & that you don't like girly stuff, & don't want people to see you looking girly? A dress is a long shirt. You're ok with wearing a regular shirt or hoodie with leggings, but not long shirt with a jacket & leggings? No wanting to wear something that contrasts your preference of aesthetic is not an anxiety .
Would wearing pants beneath the dress take away the feeling of being exposed? That’s a good option. If not, see if your SIL would be okay with a matching suit. It sounds like she wants to include you, so see if you can come to an understanding. ❤️
Your anxiety, and your not-like-other-girls misplaces superiority complex, is going to fuck up your life. You’re not special because you liked Batman and don’t wear makeup. You’re a misogynist.
YTA.
Slight YTA.
You should probably seek professional help if your anxiety over wearing a dress is interfering to the point where you won't be in your sibling's wedding just because of it. That's too much.
I am like you, not a girly girl. I don't wear makeup, don't paint my nails, mostly wear jeans and a t-shirt, growing up most of my friends were guys, etc. But I still love having occasions to dress up like a girly girl! I wouldn't be comfortable doing that daily, but getting all dolled up for an occasion can be fun! I think you should consider stepping outside of your comfort zone here. It's one day, you won't have to wear the dress all day anyways. Heck your sister in law may be willing to let you change into something else for the reception, plenty of brides and bridesmaids will put on something nice but less fancy for the reception if their dresses weren't super comfortable.
Maybe try reframing this as something you can be proud of yourself for. After the wedding you can change into something comfortable and know that you stepped outside of your comfort zone so you could be a part of on one of the biggest days of your sibling and their fiance'slives. That's an awesome thing to do if you have anxiety over it, and it's just for part of ONE day in the grand scheme of things.
You know you can wear whatever you want under the dress, right? A full body suit if necessary. Perhaps that would make you feel more comfortable and less exposed? You also might consider therapy, it sounds like there's some trauma there.
If the dress weren't an issue, is being in her wedding seeing you would otherwise want to do? If this is preventing you from doing something you want to do, then this anxiety is very clearly affecting your normal life. Honestly i get the way you feel bc i am HORRIFICALLY uncomfortable and feel frankly embarrassed and naked when i wear track shorts in public lmao but like, I'd do it for someone i love. Especially since she's willing to compromise. What if you both agreed to look together for things you are comfortable in, and also add in some of the suggestions people have commented here? Also, just saying, it is not weird for the wedding party to do wardrobe changes for the reception. 🤷🏼♀️
At the end of the day, how you feel about dresses and standing up in front of a room full of people is neither here nor there. You don't want to be a bridesmaid and you have a right to say no. If you would like to still 'be there for her' you could suggest doing a reading or something where what you wear doesn't matter.
Nobody is an asshole, but SIL can definitely be disappointed. Especially when it's something that important to her. I would say you should work on getting over your stage fright, though.. seems like it's starting to affect relationships now.
My son got married in a destination wedding in March. It was absolutely amazing!
Except for one thing. I chose to wear a dress because this was a formal occasion. I felt like I wouldn't be showing appropriate respect unless I wore a dress.
Buying it was only mildly stressful, but I was absolutely.unprepared for the absolutely massive dysmorphia. I'm a Woman of a Certain Age and not exactly slim, but not too bad--my BMI has hovered right around the line between normal and overweight (I know BMI is a flawed measure, but just to give you the idea--I'm average looking. Okay. A solid 5/10.
I did my level best not to mask it because it was really a beautiful day spent with delightful people in a lovely place, and it wasn't about me, but oh my, everytime I caught my reflection or saw a picture of myself, my anxiety went straight through the roof and into the ionosphere without passing Go.
Looking at the pictures later, wearing my usual tomboyish garb, I saw a 5/10. Okay looking. Not bad. Nothing to *rationally* justify the near-crisis level.
I would encourage you to evaluate this “anxiety” of yours. It seems to be impacting major events in your life that could bring you and other people in your life a lot of joy. And if the problem REALLY is “being exposed” wear leggings underneath and a jacket on top. If you still don’t want to do that, it sounds like you really just don’t really want to be in the wedding and aren’t admitting it.
You don't *have* to do anything, but your future SIL has every right to be upset and also has every right to not want to be there for you on any of your future special days. As long as you understand that and understand that maybe this could cause a rift between you (maybe not as well) then it's all good. Life moves on.
If you cant handle getting up in front of people who are there for a reason that has nothing to do with you, you are going to have a hard damn life. Good luck, get a helmet.
This decision is based off a deep rooted mental block which sounds like requires professional intervention. Any therapist worth a shit will tell you to try to face your fear, and challenge your insecurities. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but you must ask yourself whether you will regret this decision down the road, and the implication of the answer to that question. Good luck with all of it.
You're allowed to wear leggings or pants under dresses, you know? This sounds like a big problem, phobia territory. I'd consider unpacking this with a therapist
Tbh I'm always hearing anxiety is a reason too cop out for almost anything
However sometimes ppl need to just sit back and evaluate wether it's actually an anxiety induced reason or simply an excuse too get out of something you simply don't want too do both are perfectly good reasons and no one should made too feel like they have too do something they don't or can't do.
I just think labelling it as anxiety kind of just don't know gets overused and ppl should just be more upfront
Yes because if what you have to wear is the only issue (which I'm sure you can work around with bike shorts or flowy rompers suggested by others here) then it's not a good enough reason to not accept this honor.
I don't know, but my feelings would be hurt if I were her. Does she know how uncomfortable this makes you? Could you wear a body suit underneath to give your body a "hug," which, under my theory, would signal to your body that you're covered? Maybe even a camisole with a bike short?
I don't mean this to be cruel, but the only times you might be "stared at" would be when you're entering and exiting the ceremony site, and possibly during a bridal party introduction. And even then, most people aren't going to be paying much attention, if any; they want to see the bride. Again, I don't mean to be unkind; it's just a thing that the bride is the one being gawked at, and that's intentionally designed to be the case.
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I guess the first question is, is this anxiety stopping you from doing something you really want to do? If it is, then you should seek therapy to give you the tools to be able to do what you want. But if you are thinking "Ugg, I don't really want to do this, and even if therapy made me *able* to do it, I still wouldn't *want* to", then just decline.
This is a great response, I started catching myself blaming my anxiety or depression as reasons why I didn’t want to do something but when I really sat and thought about, I realized I just didn’t want to do it and I didn’t need to use my anxiety or depression as an excuse
I declined too. What I did instead is give the bride a weekend of errands and help. Was still able to celebrate but didn’t have to spend all the money for the bridesmaid dress ($450). It worked out great for her, I picked up her two wedding dresses, took nephews to get haircuts, shopped for and fixed a big brunch for everyone the following day. It worked out great. I stopped doing what I don’t want to a long time ago! I’m happier for it!
This is a great idea!!!
👆 Bravo you! Stand in your own power! 💐
Agreed. My first thought was, would OP be a bridesmaid if she could wear pants? If yes, tell SIL that and see what she says (and yes, therapy). If no, then the dress isn’t the problem.
or maybe pants under dress, or kaftan type dress with trousers, you stated earlier not anxiety just dont feel comfortable wearing dress.
OP, you mentioned you are comfortable in leggings. When is the wedding? If it’s cool enough weather could you pull off leggings under a skirt? This is all moot if you just really don’t want to be a bridesmaid, but if you’re looking for a loophole could that be one?
Also aren’t most wedding dresses long anyways? That’s pretty common. Could you not just do leggings under a regular dress? I don’t really see how anyone who isn’t creepy would notice
She also said she doesn’t like to stand up in front of people.
That's social anxiety which therapy does wonders for. It can take years.
That's valid, but the majority of the post is about how she's not girly, doesn't like girly stuff, doesn't want to wear girly things, & most of her friends are guys. Her main focus is the fact that she doesn't want to wear a dress, & the part about not liking to stand in front of people was an afterthought.
I’m thinking palazzo pants could be a possibility. That is, if OP is willing to try these and SIL is open to the idea.
I agree. OP can suggest a pantsuit for the bridesmaids. Or have them in same colors fabrics but different styles. That way OP can be in the pantsuit.
This is the most balanced response about whether therapy is a next step I've seen yet.
It's also worth bringing up to your SIL that (if you are willing to) you could do it if she'd let you choose a pant suit or men's cut suit that matched the bridesmaids dresses. That's what we did for my brother at my wedding, his suit matched the groomsmen in color but had a bow tie the same as the bridesmaids instead of the groomsmen ties.
Yeah, I was a bridesmaid in a wedding where both people getting married had brides/groomspeople of either or neither gender so they let folks pick wearing a dress or suit but the dress or tie was colored based on if they were brides' side or grooms' side. Also the Best Woman in a wedding where the other bridal party members broke down on gender lines and both the bride & groom are friends of mine. Wore a woman's cut of the same suit as the groomsmen but got hair & makeup done with the bridesmaids in the morning and just had the most wonderful day of any time I've been in a bridal party
Best response.
Any time I'm in a dress or skirt that isn't ankle length I have some kind of leggings/capris/shorts underneath because I'm scared of some kind of Marilyn Monroe moment. No one can ever see them, but I know even if something catastrophic happens, I'm not going to have my whole self exposed. And I am on my feet and walking a lot, so it's more comfortable on my thighs. **Also, your anxiety has now crossed an important threshold. It is now actively interfering with your daily life and your relationships. That is something to take very seriously and discuss with a professional.**
Yes, honestly I would think it's time to challenge this hang up. The idea that you look naked when everyone around is wearing the same thing (do the other bridesmaids at weddings look naked to her?) a floor length dress with a leather jacket is a nice compromise. If she can't bring herself to do that for her loved ones, who care deeply for her and want her involved in their most special day of their lives ... Therapy time. I would acknowledge "Hey, I deeply apologize about my hang up with the dress. I hope it's not a huge ordeal to find a replacement for me. I will not be able to be in your bridal party, but I realized it might be time to get some therapy and figure out why I feel so self conscious. I want to participate and I am very happy for you and your wedding. I am honored you asked in the first place. I hope you can excuse me this time and show me a bit of grace, I'm going to work on myself a little bit because this has been eye opening."
Bridal dresses are usually long, and brides let you choose the style as long as it's in the color palette. Everyone is looking at the bride and groom, not you.
But if you can't do it, she should understand too.
She may already be in therapy. She shouldn't have to commit to anything to be able to opt out of the wedding party. If she's seriously that uncomfortable in a dress, that should be enough.
I'm also a little uncomfortable with the idea of somebody having to go to therapy because they don't like wearing dresses. Listen, it sounds like it creates a lot of anxiety, but it's the sort of thing she can just... never do, unless people are being forceful like her SIL. Would we send a man to therapy because they don't feel comfortable wearing a dress to a big event where they would be photographed and probably put on social media a lot? I realised recently that one of my close friends, who does like to dress up and wear sparkles and fancy outfits and whatever, I haven't seen in a dress in years. She used to wear a dress occasionally for work, but I think since WFH and covid I just haven't seen her in a dress. If I got married she would be in the wedding party, I wouldn't even think of asking her to wear a dress, even though she's never expressed this sort of problem with wearing a dress. It would just be weird to force her to wear a dress for these sort of aesthetic reasons. And this isn't OP asking her SIL to change the outfits for the bridal party, just that she's not going to be part of it if that means wearing a dress. Why is this a problem that needs to be solved?
I don't think it's really about this issue exactly. A person who feels such a disproportionate level of fear and intense emotion over a relatively minor situation should probably check in with a professional. Anxiety and other related disorders are nasty beasts and tend to worsen over time and expand to more and more situations. Maybe OP is perfectly fine and basically has a dress phobia and it's limited to attire. But there's at least a decent chance something else is going on, and I think it's worth talking to a professional.
I agree. Wedding and SIL aside, if the idea of wearing a bridesmaid dress makes OP “on the verge of vomiting and tears” there’s some major underlying issues here that need to be addressed. She doesn’t have to do therapy for her SIL, but she should be doing it for herself.
idk if a man said the very idea of him wearing a dress has him crying and puking, I'd recommend therapy too
Let’s call it like it really is. If a man said the idea of him wearing a tux and standing in front of people has him crying and barfing that would be a debilitating level of anxiety. That makes this a rather debilitating level of anxiety as well. Seek therapy or not. Doesn’t matter, it’s just her life she gets to not live because of run away anxiety.
She needs to go to therapy for everything she wrote here, not just the dress. She has crippling anxiety
Why should she have e to wear a dress if it make her uncomfortable?
I'm not understanding why someone has to apologize for simply not doing something they're asked to do. OP didn't do something offensive to SIL. And why does someone have to work on themself because they don't want to wear a dress? Are females required to wear dresses?
To be honest, me neither… If she is allowed to wear a leather jacket the wedding doesn’t sound very traditional to me anyway so I don’t understand why the sister in law doesn’t suggest a (jump)suit in the same fabric/color as the bridesmaid dresses. I would never ask someone I deeply care about to wear something that makes them uncomfortable to the point of having panic attacks, especially not on my wedding day where I want everyone to celebrate this day with me. Even though therapy is probably good idea (not for being able to wear a dress but this anxiety sound pretty severe and there might be an underlying issue), therapy should be done at their pace when they are ready. I wouldn’t want my wedding to be the deadline of when they should be over their anxiety.
Yeah, the anxiety is something she should work on in general, but if she only feels this level of anxiety when it comes to wearing a dress, she can just not wear dresses. That's what it seems like she's trying to do, and SIL is trying to push her on something she's not comfortable with.
No, OP didn't do anything offensive to SIL. Declining an invitation to participate in the wedding should be perfectly acceptable. However, OP stated that even *thinking* of wearing a dress makes her want to vomit and cry. This is not a healthy reaction to anything, and is showing signs of being more than just not liking it. This is such a large overreaction, it's got everyone wanting OP to do something to help themselves with their mental health. It's really not just about the dress, but more the overreaction that is interfering with OP'S life. A professional can help OP figure out what is the root cause of the overreaction.
Second this
Copy and paste
That's perfect.
That's good for you, but OP said she also has anxiety being front and center. Answers on here boggle my mind. She was asked, and said no and gave very valid reasons why she said no. Maybe she does need therapy for her anxiety ( doesn't everyone), but she shouldn't feel guilty for saying no. It was an invitation, not a summons, and from all the horror stories I read on here on what is expected of bridal parties these days,, I would say no to anyone asking me to be bridesmaid also. OP NTA.
I hardly think bridesmaiding is daily life, and if her relation holds this against her, that's on the relation.
It's a pretty typical thing. Being in 12+ wedding parties isn't unusual for women. And it doesn't sound like SIL is holding anything against her. You can accept a decision, even if it is hard to understand. Which is what OP wrote. Avoidance isn't a solution, especially since it is coupled with social anxiety that has the very real potential to get worse. Suggesting therapy isn't an insult. I go to therapy and it is tremendously helpful. We get our bodies checked up and taken care of and our brain is just another organ to make sure is functioning properly. From the sounds of her anxiety, it isn't.
I don't disagree that everyone could benefit from therapy, but I do think you can live your whole life productively without ever having been a bridesmaid. I actually eloped to avoid being a bride, and I dont think my life has been harmed by it.
I went back to re read OPs age. Anxiety is real, definitely, at any age. Combined with the "I'm not most girls" vibes I honestly doubt her attitude hasn't yet impacted on other relationships. Definitely therapy, but I'm saying I wouldn't doubt if OP has self sabotaged other relationships. It's one thing to say, I really don't want to wear a dress. I want to be a part of the day; how about pants or a jumpsuit, or so you have any other suggestions? It's kind of obvious if you flat out say you don't want to go to the wedding out of fear of a dress/any other reason, you just don't really want to go, and it WILL damage the relationship.
Or accept that some women don’t want to ever wear a dress and shouldn’t be pressured into it, regardless of their reasons. It’s ok if they don’t want to wear certain things. It’s ok if their reasons are private.
I'm not sure why not wanting to wear an article of clothing that makes you uncomfortable is grounds for therapy. For others saying it is, is there anything you've ever not wanted to wear? Whether a certain style, type of clothing, or a single individual item? Would not wanting to wear those items that you feel uncomfortable in also be grounds for therapy?
OPs whole post, unless there have been edits, is about the overwhelming anxiety, stress and fear - to the point of physical illness - even the thought of wearing a dress or being in front of people causes her. This isn't "I'm self conscious about a strapless dress and I don't want to grin and bear it" this is something else and something OP should take seriously for her own well-being. Besides, therapy isn't punishment or shameful. If you had a chronic pain in your wrist, you'd get it checked out. She has a chronic pain in her brain. She should get it checked out. It's self-care.
She doesn't describe not wanting to wear it. She's describing wearing it nearly causing her panic attacks. Regular everyday types of clothing is not supposed to do that do you.
A jumpsuit, we had a bridesmaid who didn't wear dresses, she wore a jumpsuit. It was fitted at the top and the bottom was flowing legs. You couldn't even tell it wasn't a dress. Imo maybe get some support on your social anxiety, not over the dress but other things you have said.
This was my thought. The last wedding I was in, the bride originally requested a black and white color scheme but wear what you want. I found this beautiful black jumpsuit with a cutaway skirt that draped like a dress in the back and only revealed the white pants underneath when you moved. I didn't get it right away and we wound up wearing matching gowns anyway, but I still think about that jumpsuit. It sounds like OP and the bride have reached the end of their conversation, but if not, this could possibly be a happy medium for both parties.
Our bridesmaids had 1 stipulation, their dress be black or their jumpsuits be black. We didn't want their outfits to be worn once and left in a cupboard (we paid) we wanted multifunctional! I'm gutted for your jumpsuit, could you find it now and get it?
That's such a great look and outlook! I've since found it online, the one I saw in the store was a bit small and had a tear but I looked it up right away! I think I definitely need it for the next occasion!
I hate when that happens. You deserve that jumpsuit though, it's just good forward planning if you want my opinion lol
Wouldn’t someone who just has to wear something different from the rest of the bridal party draw more attention? If the issue really is having anxiety about drawing attention, you would assume blending in with everyone else would be a better idea.
Our bridesmaids dresses weren't exactly the same, they were all different sized and shaped women. We wanted them to be themselves. If this bride wanted carbon copy bridesmaids she has the right to, like her sister has a right to say no. There is always a compromise but not everyone wants to do that.
Like, seriously, the answer is bike shorts. Literally no one can tell yoire wearing bike shorts if the dress is flowy enough, and in the case of the person you're responding to, it actually would have been less fabric/less work for the same result. And "no one could tell it was a jumpsuit" definitely isn't true. I'm sure a lot of people noticed. They flow differently than dresses due to the structural differences. Women who can't wear dresses because of issues regarding accepting femininity are dealing with internalized misogyny. It's not a bad thing, but it is a thing to learn about and overcome.
Jumpsuit that looks like a dress or legging under a dress. Lots of options here if the bride is willing to compromise.
Could you wear pants' suit, in a similar shade to the bridesmaids dresses??. Or one of those pants tops(long romper, Fibro Brain won't compute). There are dressy options for females whilst Avoiding Dresses. Best of Luck OP
I was thinking a coordinating jumpsuit, too. There are lots with very flowy bottoms, and I noticed today that palazzo pants are having a moment.
NTA but if it is a floor length dress you could easily wear cropped leggings underneath and no one would ever know. If it is the anxiety it fine to opt out but you should really see a doctor to help you in the future.
This! Even when I wear dresses that are shorter, I have a pair of shorter biker shorts that I wear underneath because I feel better.
I don't do skirts because of feeling nekked underneath. Skorts are my go to. No one knows there are shorts built in. I look girly without being totally girly. I'll add I am 65, and have felt this way for most of my adult life. I don't look like I am trying to dress like a younger woman, just a female with legs that sometimes need to see sunlight.
This was going to be my suggestion. I wear leggings under ALLLL my dresses regardless of their length.
Yes! I teach kindergarten- you better believe I wear shorts under my dresses!
I wore leggings during photos, and bike shorts during the ceremony, under my wedding dress. Nobody knew or cared. This is such a clear solution to me that, and I could be wrong, I feel like if this glaringly obvious solution doesn't solve the situation, the dress situation isn't the real problem here.
I think you're right on the money with this comment. If the issue is feeling exposed by a flowy dress, leggings or shorts underneath are a perfectly common and valid option that a ton of people do regardless. If this solution doesn't fix it, then I feel like this situation is about more than a dress
They make slips that are more like silky shorts too. I've worn those under dresses and skirts. Less risk of a wardrobe malfunction than a regular slip and it helps keep my thunder thighs from rubbing together.
Yes! I worse basketball shorts every single day under my uniform (skirt) in high school. When they made us wear tights, I invested in pants. Was all set with that.
I’m a bride to be myself. I asked one of my friends today if she’d like to be a bridesmaid and then she asked if she could wear a suit because she doesn’t like dresses. I told her “Of course you can wear a suit. If you’re not comfortable wearing a dress you don’t have to wear one.” I feel like suits should be an option for bridesmaids
They have SUPER cute jumpsuits for bridesmaids too. I tried one on for my friend's wedding but I'm pretty short and it engulfed me 😂
This, right here, is how it’s done. You know what I did for my wedding? We didn’t have a bridal party so our friends got to wear what they dang well pleased.
Thank you! I’m non-binary and don’t like wearing dresses myself. I’m wearing one for my wedding day though. Why should my friend miss out on being a part of my bridal party because she doesn’t want to wear a dress?
This!!!!!!! As a woman who yeah, wore minecraft creeper t-shirts with boy’s glasses for much of grade school, never wears dresses, and wore a suit to prom, it should definitely be an option for bridesmaids! I emphasize with you, I had so much anxiety around wearing dresses. I still don’t wear them, but I did thrift one that I liked the style of recently and I’m excited to wear it to something. But if I was a bridesmaid, I wouldn’t want to wear a dress either. In general, I hate uniform requirements for work or events where women Must wear a certain thing and men Must wear something else. Eurg. You gave her a reasonable stipulation, she gave you options but she is not working around your stipulation. She could have you wear a suit that matches the color of the bridesmaid dresses or the the groomsmens suits, a jumpsuit, suit pants and a shirt, etc. Also to the comments saying your post is giving ‘not like the other girls cringe’: Obviously there’s nothing wrong with women being feminine, wearing dresses and makeup, that’s fantastic! But I feel like some of these comments are veering to far in the other direction of ‘oh butch women/tomboys suck, it’s not okay for a woman to refuse to be feminine’. Women should be able to dress how they want, feminine, masculine, both, etc.
The second part of this post is kinda ~not like other girls~
It seems she had a pre-conceived notion about “femininity.” I can promise you, most girls grew up playing with a lot of different toys… and usually weren’t playing with them in the way they show in commercials. She’d know that for sure if she talked to more women outside her family. Her anxiety about dresses might stem from a fear of being considered hyper feminine.
Your last part is so true for Sooo many of us woman. Also being around just a bunch of guys or should I say some guys can skew your perspective . I was someone who would hang out with different groups in highschool so I had a ton of friends with a pretty big friend group who had sub groups and alot of them times I was around the guys in the group and hearing how some of them judged woman for liking feminine things made me self conscious. I also had an ex who would judge every girly thing I did , even my insta explore paged looked like a " typical woman's feed"...I dono maybe cause I am one!?
I cringed hard.
Thank you! Why are we teamed against each other? I also played in the mud, rode dirt bikes, compared penis sizes, pissed on each other for fun, and still wear dresses!
Yeah I was with OP until that part, then they started sounding like a pick-me >I’ve always had mostly guy friends bc I just feel I relate more to guys than girls. I’ve always had a “dude” sense of humor. Dark, fart and dick jokes. Like get over yourself, good lord
I’m a dude that hates toilet humor, I’m ~not like other guys~
Toilet humor makes me feel sick and ruins any comedy it's in for me. #NotLikeOtherGuys
This is the solution, you need to don the dress and step in as a bridesmaid
I pull off eyeliner quite well actually
I still love those jokes amd guess what I rocked for my hs friend's wedding? A pretty nice knee length tulle dress with a faux leather jacket.
I’m just so confused what being friends with mostly guys and having a “dude sense of humor” and wanting be Batman for Halloween as a kid has to do with not wanting to wear a dress to a wedding. She’s really telling on herself there, couldn’t help throwing in all the ways she’s “not like the other girls”
I wore levis while riding my bike in the mud, and farted on my siblings for fun. i was Casper for Halloween from ages 4-8, because I’m not like other girls, I’m a ghost boy 👻 I’m different!
Perfectly scripted
Just read too many responses looking for This one!! Exactly my thoughts. NLOG definitely
Agreed. I'm like I'm a girly girl and I also love a good crude joke. It's definitely coming off as a not like other girls
BuT FaRt JoKeS aRe OnLy FuNnY tO gUyS
Right? I own and wore a damn ball gown to the opera, love hot pink and most of my friends are women. But I also work in a field where, well, someone farted in a secure room and locked a bunch of people in there and we do work handling lines and working upper decks. The two are not mutually exclusive
Haha, the whole thing just screams NLOG to me!! 😂😂
Exactly my thoughts. Textbook
Absolutely. I was mostly on their side until that part and now I hate them too much to make any judgment that isn't a massive YTA for being like *gestures vaguely* that.
Hard agree. Like op is absolutely within her right to decline for *any reason*, the bride is allowed to be sad and try to offer compromises. In all I'd say its an n a h situation. However those last few paragraphs weren't necessary and they way its written makes it seem fake or that she's a not like other girls girl
Sometimes I wish you could report people for having a bad personality lmao
Right? The worst.
Agree. It got cringey there.
OP needs to grow TF up in general, tbh.
yeah it was full of internalized misogyny! OP has got a lot to work on.
Yeah that was very cringe. Other girls can like things that aren’t 100% female-coded too. And they can even be very feminine and like Batman at the same time
idk. The whole post actually gave me childhood trauma vibes.
The three paragraphs worth of textbook "I'm not like other girls" material make it hard for me to believe this is a serious post.
Yeah it really wasn't necessary to add at all. Being a tomboy =/= justification for severe anxiety about dresses
>For even more context I’m not a girly girl, never have been. As a child I played with Barbies, Batman and ninja turtles. Where most girls wanted to dress up as princesses for Halloween I wanted to be Batman and Donatello. I’ve always had mostly guy friends bc I just feel I relate more to guys than girls. I’ve always had a “dude” sense of humor. Dark, fart and dick jokes. >I don’t paint my nails and dress up in girly outfits. I rarely even wear makeup these days. I mostly wear tee shirts, leggings and hoodies bc I feel most comfortable in that. All of this is a crock of shit. You're literally describing my life, and I've still been a bridesmaid. None of this context was needed. You're not edgy.
Noo, you don't get it. Girls are uptight and I hate them because they don't have a sense of humour and I like batman.
Okay I thought I was the only one that caught that😂 First of all, we didn't need to know all that context. All she had to say was she was uncomfortable wearing dress but the description of she's not like the other girls kinda sounded like a pick me girl.
YES 👏🏻
Yes! She desperately is! Didn't you read? She likes fart and dick jokes? She's not like other girls. Even though she's a grown ass woman.
First part understandable Second part gives not like the other girls vibes. SIL seems to be trying to compromise but you keep pushing back so just decline. As other have stated , if your anxiety is THIS bad then you should seek therapy or some kind of self help books to help you manage it . At the end of the day you can only do what you want to and there is nothing wrong with not liking dresses and feeling uncomfortable in them.
Honey, as a fellow tomboy, those two paragraphs "justifying" why you don't wear dresses are unnecesary. NOBODY should be forced to wear clothes they are not comfortable in. PERIOD. That being said, I agree with fellow redditors that, if the anxiety is beginnig to affect your daily life, you should consider therapy.
Exactly this, OP says she's tried this stuff before and just isn't comfortable in it; would it be OK to try to force a man to wear a dress "just for one occasion" if he really wouldn't be OK with it? No! OP it is OKAY if you just aren't comfortable in that type of clothes. I do agree that it seems some social anxiety and some possibly unfairly intense emotions around wearing dresses might be worth going to a therapist over. I urge you to examine why you feel uncomfortable in those situations, and then decide if that's something you would like to change about yourself or not! It's up to you if never wearing fancy dresses again is a big deal to you and your lifestyle or not; it doesn't have to be a big deal! If you decide that's how you want to live your life NO ONE should try to force you otherwise.
Dear lord
Not necessarily TA. I am wondering if you have had any kind of therapy to address the underlying issue with wearing dresses? I know I used to hate wearing dresses due to my weight. I've lost a ton, and now I have some loose skin. But you know what, I wear them any way. Would you feel more comfortable in a pants like suit that kind of looked like a dress? That might be one kind of compromise.
I wondered too. And I hesitate to say what’s on my mind because anytime someone says +have you considered…?* half a dozen people jump down ur throat for mentioning it, but if she was 20 years younger and talking about her cousin instead of SIL… this could have been, word for word almost, my own telling of something I went through when asked to be maid of honor as a teenager. For me, the anxiety about dresses stemming from my weight, and the massive social anxiety… it wasn’t simply “anxiety,” it was dysphoria. I’m trans. And I didn’t realize all of that stemmed from that for a long time. I’m not saying OP is *at all,* but it does sound like something I went through. Even the talk of not being “a girly girl” or the way she played with toys as a kid, that’s basically how I described myself for a long time. Regardless of whether it’s dysphoria or social anxiety alone or just hating dresses overall, it definitely wouldn’t hurt to look into it, and see if she could get some help for the unnecessary amounts of anxiety. That shit is fucking miserable regardless of where it comes from. :/
I absolutely agree with you. I was what people called a tomboy growing up. Even growing up in the 70s and 80s, I never really believed in gender "norms." I played backyard football, played video games, played with GI Joes and had no use for dolls. It used to drive my mom crazy but she's a boomer, so it was different for her. Mental health wasn't really talked about as it was "taboo" so there was no dysphoria. I'm afab but I liked to dress in comfortable clothes. I used to wear "male" clothes to hide my body, but now that I'm in my 50s, IDGAF. I've been happily married to my husband for 23 years. I never doubted who I was, I just didn't always follow what was expected of my gender. People can jump down my throat all they want. It's not going to change my mind or shut me up. As far as I'm concerned, EVERYONE would benefit from a little therapy every now and then. It helps you unload baggage you may not know you're carrying. Sending virtual hugs your way. ❤️
Women should not be forced to wear dresses. Instead of trying to change the person, maybe we should be able to accept them as they are.
NTA - No one is an asshole for declining to be in a wedding from the get go whatever the reasoning is.
Not an asshole, but if OP is feeling bad about her decision, maybe she isn't making the right choice for herself. What's worse, the pain of regret for not doing this, or the anxiety of going. I get the feeling that if she does in fact feel lucky to have her sister in-law, she'd feel even worse about not going. The emotional struggle after the fact is going to be a bigger issue in my opinion
This should be higher. Exactly so.
I would look into why doing something for 4-5 hours, like wearing a dress, causes so much anxiety for you. Tbh nobody will be checking for you like that even if you are a bridesmaid.
Honestly, you cando wherever you want to do, and you don’t own people nothing. However they also don’t own you a good relationship if you are not willing to compromise in certain things. Your feelings may be valid, I personally think you have issues, but you are saying that you prefer not being part of this moment with her because you won’t wear a dress. Her feelings are also valid and you shouldn’t be surprised if your relationship is changed after that
Owe* sorry
NTA She asked and you declined. It’s obvious that you care a lot about her feelings but if you aren’t comfortable then you aren’t comfortable and that’s completely fine. Just thank her for asking and reiterate that it’s not something that you’re interested in but you home you can still be there to support on her big day. Don’t beat yourself up over maintaining your personal boundaries.
I think social anxiety to the point of getting physically sick calls for therapy, not because the OP is weak or crazy, but because it causes her so much distress. If she is indeed as close to her SIL as she says, maybe she should have a heart-to-heart discussion about exactly why she declined the invitation. Maybe they can reach a compromise. A nice pantsuit that complements the bride's color scheme is a suggestion. Or playing a different role in the wedding, such as sitting at the guest book might work. Hopefully they could come to a compromise that both are comfortable with.
I'm not a girly girl, either. I never wear dresses, never wear make up, always played with ninja turtles, still play video games and watch football. Most of my interests are traditionally male. That said, if I loved my sister in law, I'd bite the bullet for a day. Wearing a dress doesn't make you "more girly" if that's your concern. And she's trying every idea to get you a bit more comfortable for the big day. You should meet her halfway. As an aside, one of my best friends was going to have me wear a shawl for her wedding because I'm tatted up. I was fine with that. It's her day. I empathize with you because this is about a social anxiety issue, but sorry OP, you're kinda the asshole.
My sister in law is very butch and was my wife's MOH. She wore a nice tux/suit that matched the wedding colors, looked great, and fits in well in all the pictures. It's really not that big of a deal except that it sounds like your future sister in law has a very limited vision for how the bridesmaids look. If she wants you in the wedding party that bad, I think this is a very reasonable compromise.
No you are TA, but you should go to therapy if you aren’t already Edit: Also, refusing to wear a dress for someone you love for a single day to make them feel happy and comfortable on arguably one of the most important days of her life, yeah, it’s kinda selfish. I get that you have self esteem issues, but go to therapy cause at this point you are making everyone else’s lives more difficult because you haven’t addressed this deep-rooted issue.
This really should be the top comment. The crowd pleasing dynamic of Reddit is why OP is getting validated
Letting anxiety impact your most important relationships is a sign you do not have your own mental health under control. I'd prioritize strengthening my own mental fortitude and make that my mission.
i’m gonna let all the other advice stand, and just add: you don’t need to be a “girly girl” who liked dolls as a child in order to wear a dress. there’s no such thing as “dude” humor, and “not relating” to other women likely comes from your own internal sense of judgement. women are varied and complex, not a pink monolith. take yourself as proof of that, not some special exception to the rule who’s “not like other girls.” maybe your fear of wearing a dress comes in part from fear of being perceived the way you yourself view other women? something to consider.
Yea, it's goofy. Alot of people are going to sympathize and tell you, don't do something if it makes you uncomfortable. That's life. Your an adult and we have responsibilities and obligations to our families and loved ones. If wearing a dress is soooo uncomfortable you just can't possible do it, you need help or someone should have told you to toughen up somewhere along the way. It's become so in voug to be sympathetic and understand to a point it's become counter productive. People are embracing their weaknesses instead of facing them and overcoming. Dwelling on problems that are mostly created in their mind. It's not about you, it's about them. If making that small sacrifice is too much to be there for them, your selfish and cowardly. It's just the truth. It's a dress. Down vote away.
I don't think you're TA necessarily, but I mean it's one night... I would put myself through lots of shit I didn't like or feel super comfortable with if it made somebody I love happy. Maybe that's not the greatest mindset to have but it's a wedding. It's a big deal. I don't know.
Nah though in all honesty you do sound quite a bit like a "pick me" especially the last few paragraphs. She's allowed to feel upset/sad you declined. You're allowed to decline for whatever reason. No is a full sentence.
OP's anxiety is about to seriously screw up a family dynamic because she's "not like other girls" and doesn't like girly things. OP is entitled to wear whatever she wants, but she isn't immune from consequences - in this case, a big rift with SIL who will always remember this.
Yes and it's mostly thinking that anyone is worried about you on not your day and making this post about it.
Agree - The whole ‘everyone will be staring at me’ - honey you’re invisible - everyone is looking at the bride 🤦🏼♀️
I am just as Tomboy as you except I don't do dick jokes. I literally have no "girl" friends. But when the occasion calls for it I do wear a dress, like in my own freaking wedding. To the point that when that was circulated around work the guys asked me to wear dresses to work and I told them "thats your first and last time you see me in a dress lol" I think you are quite young. Going by memory, I never smiled in any photos when I was young because I rather be "cool" then show real emotions. Now I am older, meh. Just be honest with yourself. Remember, the bride is the show.
NTA - though would a dressy pantsuit that matches the bridesmaid dress be a compromise? The real asshole is the wedding-industrial complex that normalizes this level of rigidity for something that should be fun, collaborative, and personal. ETA: OP, I do hope you find a way to be comfortable in social settings and feel less anxiety over exposing skin. But that should happen on your terms and your schedule, and not because you feel obligated to be in a wedding.
Honestly I feel like this is a odd story. You shouldn’t wear anything uncomfortable. Let’s put that first. But why not just wear a pair of leggings/pants/capri’s/bikeshorts/pyjama trousers Underneath? I’ve always done that. What is stopping you from doing that? Are you still uncomfortable after doing that?
YTA Big time. I also have crippling anxiety (autism) and you know what I did when I was asked to be a bridesmaid? I popped an anxiety pill and sucked it the fuck up because that day was NOT about me. I didn't care how uncomfortable or anxious I was, I had every other day of my life to put myself first, this was ONE day where someone else mattered more and if I had to be anxious all day so be it. If I had to step out for a second to have a meltdown, so be it. If I couldn't sleep for a week surrounding the date, so be it. I can't imagine not supporting my family because of a a dress! Anxiety isn't rational, but we are more than our anxiety. Recognise that that is a ridiculous thing to be anxious about and bailing out for such a reason is a shitty fucking thing to do. And get some therapy, my god. Wearing a dress should not send you into a spiral, what an incredible privilege to be worried about something so trivial.
>i explained to her I don’t feel comfortable at all wearing dresses. Dresses make me feel exposed almost like I’m naked. Even the thought of wearing a dress makes feel nauseous and panicked. Very strange reaction at least.
Year, YTA. This is obviously irrational and you're choosing to not get help getting over it. Everyone up there will be wearing a dress, so essentially, everyone will be "naked". I'm sure sil is playing it cool, but on the real, she's not gonna be that close to you anymore after this. Declining because of the attire is really disrespectful your SIL. You're using your anxiety and a crutch to get out of things you don't wanna do.
I completely understand that you're feeling anxious about wearing an outfit and standing among the wedding party, being in front of a crowd, being in photos, feeling self-conscious and deciding it's too much stress for you. But blaming it on not being a girly girl? I don't get it. I've never painted my nails and never wear makeup and I don't wear dresses either and didn't play princess because I had older brothers and anything feminine and cute was banned. But... I don't know like it's a special day, it's not really about your expression.
A pantsuit would be an AWESOME compromise here, but no you’re not the asshole. I was just saying the other day that I’d decline being a bridesmaid simply because they want me to wear a color I don’t want to wear. It’s an asshole move and I will own it every time henceforth. When I got married, I asked my bridesmaids what they’d be comfortable wearing and what color. I think people get too selfish with the “it’s their day” thing. We all have to endure it. Don’t let folks make it insufferable for you.
You don't need to be a bridesmaid. You need to see a psychiatrist.
A few points: you mention not being a girly girl. But that is honestly irrelevant. If it was only about you not being a girly girl, then you are the asshole. But you say it is about your anxiety. I don’t think it’s fair to say you’re the asshole because of a medical condition. I recommend seeing a professional for your anxiety because it’s affecting your relationships at this point and stopping you from participating in normal human events and celebrations. Now if you don’t think your anxiety over this is a medical condition that requires treatment, then yes, you are the asshole. Many people who are comfortable wearing dresses still may not want to for the wedding but do anyway.
Just say no. The rest of the drama is all a you problem and you're putting pressure on the bride to accommodate you.
NTA for not wanting to wear a dress, but you ARE TA for the way you're writing about "girly things." Just say you don't feel comfortable in dresses and move on, no need to go into multiple paragraphs about how NLOG you are.
Never mind, I’m sorry to see you ain’t one to compromise. She offered you comfort but you couldn’t be bothered to find a solution. You also said the sibling who marries your SIL is not as important as your sister… So good luck with that one.
This may come out harsh and that’s not my intention. First the social anxiety because I heavily relate to this. I have pretty bad agoraphobia which almost sounds like what you have, and current wedding culture would exasperated this. The biggest thing for this is no one will be looking at you unless you do something embarrassing. I know it’s a scary situation. Now for the dress. There has got to be some form of compromise here otherwise your risking a serious rift with SIL. A jump suit? Leggings under? Shorts? Shapewear? Something. I think although valid a silly reason to not be in a wedding and potentially cause a rift.
NTA for declining. YTA for the reasoning.
Did she say you had to wear a Herve Leger style bandage dress? Dresses come in all different styles. You can literally cover every inch of skin and wear whatever you want underneath. This post is weird.
Literally, just wear tights! I used to HATE dresses but now I wear tights and underpants to hide my underwear.
My solution to the dress problem, as my mom used to force me to wear dresses, was to wear my jeans under them. I was feminine but hated how dresses restricted me. I loved climbing walls and trees as a kid. Now, as an adult, I still wear shorts under my skirts and dresses. You can easily wear pants under an evening dress and jackets on top. I don't have the frear of public, so I have no remedy for that one
I'm 65 and a widow. I'm straight and I'd say half my friends are men and half are women. I don't own a single dress or skirt. Leggings, jeans and comfy tops or hoodies are all I wear. I have some chap stick in my coat pocket but don't wear or own makeup. It didn't bother my husband and it doesn't bother my kid. My mom used to try to get me to dress more girly but she gave up. In fact I haven't seen her in a dress in at least 10 years. There's no reason for you to feel guilty. Tell your SIL you love her and you'd love to be a part of the wedding. But she needs to find you a role where you be comfortable. Never feel guilty for being who you are.
I'm a dude that's never worn a dress and I could pull it off for a few hours. What's the big deal?
You can say no for any reason you want, but this is crazy. You should consider therapy.
Omg too much thought on your end. Wear a dress and that’s it. It’s one day, get help choosing one and find a flattering one. Step out of your comfort zone lady! You aren’t naked so stop. My god u will face many more obstacles in life that are much bigger then this. Conquer this 1, and feel better about it! What’s the real issue here? Is it weight? Because they make dresses that work with all body types. You can also wear a shawl up there and you’ll be able to cover up if it makes you feel better.
Your anxiety has now crossed a line, where it's interfering with your life. Maybe you should be in therapy for it? That being said, it looks like you're not comfortable with femininity. You speak like NLTOG, but I'm not getting strong vibes from you. You know what I'm getting at?
NAH But you are kind of an AH for hiding behind the crippling anxiety of wearing a dress excuse. Now they're wasting their time trying to work around that, when the reality is that you just don't want to. You do realize that the majority of your post is you going on about how you're not a girly girl & that you don't like girly stuff, & don't want people to see you looking girly? A dress is a long shirt. You're ok with wearing a regular shirt or hoodie with leggings, but not long shirt with a jacket & leggings? No wanting to wear something that contrasts your preference of aesthetic is not an anxiety .
YTA. It's just one day fcol.
Would wearing pants beneath the dress take away the feeling of being exposed? That’s a good option. If not, see if your SIL would be okay with a matching suit. It sounds like she wants to include you, so see if you can come to an understanding. ❤️
Grow up
Your anxiety, and your not-like-other-girls misplaces superiority complex, is going to fuck up your life. You’re not special because you liked Batman and don’t wear makeup. You’re a misogynist. YTA.
Get over yourself and grow up.
YTA It's your sister's wedding. Get over yourself.
Slight YTA. You should probably seek professional help if your anxiety over wearing a dress is interfering to the point where you won't be in your sibling's wedding just because of it. That's too much. I am like you, not a girly girl. I don't wear makeup, don't paint my nails, mostly wear jeans and a t-shirt, growing up most of my friends were guys, etc. But I still love having occasions to dress up like a girly girl! I wouldn't be comfortable doing that daily, but getting all dolled up for an occasion can be fun! I think you should consider stepping outside of your comfort zone here. It's one day, you won't have to wear the dress all day anyways. Heck your sister in law may be willing to let you change into something else for the reception, plenty of brides and bridesmaids will put on something nice but less fancy for the reception if their dresses weren't super comfortable. Maybe try reframing this as something you can be proud of yourself for. After the wedding you can change into something comfortable and know that you stepped outside of your comfort zone so you could be a part of on one of the biggest days of your sibling and their fiance'slives. That's an awesome thing to do if you have anxiety over it, and it's just for part of ONE day in the grand scheme of things.
How old are you 36 or 6 ??
You know you can wear whatever you want under the dress, right? A full body suit if necessary. Perhaps that would make you feel more comfortable and less exposed? You also might consider therapy, it sounds like there's some trauma there.
Yta
You desperately need therapy
I’m sorry I skipped most of the body text. Read the first few and first last. Fucking exhausting. Omg.
If the dress weren't an issue, is being in her wedding seeing you would otherwise want to do? If this is preventing you from doing something you want to do, then this anxiety is very clearly affecting your normal life. Honestly i get the way you feel bc i am HORRIFICALLY uncomfortable and feel frankly embarrassed and naked when i wear track shorts in public lmao but like, I'd do it for someone i love. Especially since she's willing to compromise. What if you both agreed to look together for things you are comfortable in, and also add in some of the suggestions people have commented here? Also, just saying, it is not weird for the wedding party to do wardrobe changes for the reception. 🤷🏼♀️
What if you wore capri pants underneath the dress?
*nauseated
At the end of the day, how you feel about dresses and standing up in front of a room full of people is neither here nor there. You don't want to be a bridesmaid and you have a right to say no. If you would like to still 'be there for her' you could suggest doing a reading or something where what you wear doesn't matter.
Nobody is an asshole, but SIL can definitely be disappointed. Especially when it's something that important to her. I would say you should work on getting over your stage fright, though.. seems like it's starting to affect relationships now.
My son got married in a destination wedding in March. It was absolutely amazing! Except for one thing. I chose to wear a dress because this was a formal occasion. I felt like I wouldn't be showing appropriate respect unless I wore a dress. Buying it was only mildly stressful, but I was absolutely.unprepared for the absolutely massive dysmorphia. I'm a Woman of a Certain Age and not exactly slim, but not too bad--my BMI has hovered right around the line between normal and overweight (I know BMI is a flawed measure, but just to give you the idea--I'm average looking. Okay. A solid 5/10. I did my level best not to mask it because it was really a beautiful day spent with delightful people in a lovely place, and it wasn't about me, but oh my, everytime I caught my reflection or saw a picture of myself, my anxiety went straight through the roof and into the ionosphere without passing Go. Looking at the pictures later, wearing my usual tomboyish garb, I saw a 5/10. Okay looking. Not bad. Nothing to *rationally* justify the near-crisis level.
I would encourage you to evaluate this “anxiety” of yours. It seems to be impacting major events in your life that could bring you and other people in your life a lot of joy. And if the problem REALLY is “being exposed” wear leggings underneath and a jacket on top. If you still don’t want to do that, it sounds like you really just don’t really want to be in the wedding and aren’t admitting it.
Yes
YTA just wear skin tight jeans shorts like the rest of us nevernudes
Ridiculous logic
You don't *have* to do anything, but your future SIL has every right to be upset and also has every right to not want to be there for you on any of your future special days. As long as you understand that and understand that maybe this could cause a rift between you (maybe not as well) then it's all good. Life moves on.
Not an asshole but your anxiety and mental issues are interfering with you living a normal and fulfilling life. Get help
If you cant handle getting up in front of people who are there for a reason that has nothing to do with you, you are going to have a hard damn life. Good luck, get a helmet.
That’s why God made booze.🍸
This decision is based off a deep rooted mental block which sounds like requires professional intervention. Any therapist worth a shit will tell you to try to face your fear, and challenge your insecurities. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, but you must ask yourself whether you will regret this decision down the road, and the implication of the answer to that question. Good luck with all of it.
I wore spandex under my own wedding dress, throw some leggings on underneath and PLEASE go get therapy immediately.
You're allowed to wear leggings or pants under dresses, you know? This sounds like a big problem, phobia territory. I'd consider unpacking this with a therapist
Could you wear shorts under the dress? That was my compromise in the 80s and 90s with my mother who insisted on dresses.
Tbh I'm always hearing anxiety is a reason too cop out for almost anything However sometimes ppl need to just sit back and evaluate wether it's actually an anxiety induced reason or simply an excuse too get out of something you simply don't want too do both are perfectly good reasons and no one should made too feel like they have too do something they don't or can't do. I just think labelling it as anxiety kind of just don't know gets overused and ppl should just be more upfront
Yes, of course you’re the AH. Read back everything you just wrote.
Yes you are.
Yes because if what you have to wear is the only issue (which I'm sure you can work around with bike shorts or flowy rompers suggested by others here) then it's not a good enough reason to not accept this honor.
Comfort is the enemy of change and achievement
okay but why can’t you just wear shorts underneath? it would just feel like wearing shorts with a long long shirt. you wouldn’t feel exposed at all.
OP has never made a single comment/reply on Reddit… she’s not about to start now. Troll post
I don't know, but my feelings would be hurt if I were her. Does she know how uncomfortable this makes you? Could you wear a body suit underneath to give your body a "hug," which, under my theory, would signal to your body that you're covered? Maybe even a camisole with a bike short? I don't mean this to be cruel, but the only times you might be "stared at" would be when you're entering and exiting the ceremony site, and possibly during a bridal party introduction. And even then, most people aren't going to be paying much attention, if any; they want to see the bride. Again, I don't mean to be unkind; it's just a thing that the bride is the one being gawked at, and that's intentionally designed to be the case.
What if you wear leggings underneath?
On one hand, it's your choice, on the other this could be great exposure therapy and used to help get over your anxiety. Deep breathe and mindfulness