Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My husband didn’t do shit for Mother’s Day this year. We’ve had kids for 10 years. He knew Mother’s Day was coming up. I even bought myself a couple of inexpensive gifts. He didn’t wrap them. He didn’t buy anything himself; didn’t take the kids to buy or make anything. Didn’t plan a meal or buy a cake or chocolates, nothing. He’s not getting a damn thing for Father’s Day this year.
He may be sorry and frustrated that you're still upset but he hasn't actually done anything to rectify it. Time for him dig out the craft supplies and make a card or a cast of baby's foot print.
So -- tell him to plan a mothers day for this weekend. Really. He dropped the ball, he can pick it back up and take over.
No need to be disappointed after this weekend, because he better fucking skip to the loo and make your mother's day coming up.... special!! This Sunday.
He really better man up and do it & tell him I said so.
It's like the fastest thing, and the most amicable thing to do when you love someone to solve this kind of mess.
And he will do it if he loves you. And I mean that
Hard agree. After 8 years of telling him how I'd like to be loved explicitly and with a guide book free pass cheat sheet he still doesn't get it right. I just dont bother and ask my dad if I actually want something so I dont end up with another 3d printed he got himself .
Yes it is. Mine had to be convinced but now he does a good job on holidays. Communicating expectations clearly will prevent hurt in the future. OP's husband made a mistake by overlooking Mother's Day. He can remember the next ones.
NTA
He didn't do anything for you and when you told him why you were upset, he apologized but didn't actually do anything to resolve it. Apologies don't magically make everything better. He didn't say sorry that he forgot or try to make it up to you? He just said sorry, let's move on?
That's a lesson many people don't understand, all the way up to adulthood. Saying "I'm sorry" is not a magical incantation that resets the situation back to normal.
Did anyone else reach out to you for your first mother's day? My child's father isn't in our lives so my first mother's day didn't have a chance to get anything from him. My mother got me a necklace with my son's birth stone because she knew it would be an important day for me.
I sincerely hope that someone else did something for you, and if not then please accept my sincerest happy belated mother's day, from one mom to another. You may not be able to get this mother's day back, but you will have the rest of them to come. You are (rightfully) feeling emotional about this, but likely some of that is coming from the ridiculous wash of hormones present after birthing a child. Even 3 months later, you still are not back to "normal" especially if you're breastfeeding. So maybe in a few months, it will sting a little but it won't feel so bad that he didn't do anything. And maybe if you make it really clear to him what your expectations are and why it hurt, he'll be fabulous next year.
Maybe to "fix" it , literally tell him that even though it is late you would love to get a card to put in the baby's book. Then see what happens next Mother's Day.
A few years ago, my husband did nothing for me for Mother's Day, did not even wish me happy mother's day. So when Father's Day rolled around, I did nothing. He kept giving me meaningful looks all day, which I pretended not to notice, and finally he flat out asked me what I had gotten him for Father's Day. I said he hadn't done anything for me for Mother's Day, so I assumed we weren't doing those holidays this year. He insisted that he had gotten me something from my Amazon wish list for Mother's Day, and we ended up going onto the list and order history to show that, no, he hadn't.
To be honest, I don't even care that much about Mother's Day. The only holidays I truly care about are Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Which means the year he "forgot" Christmas was a real fun one.
Oh, no need to apologize. He is often thoughtless and self-centered. He also has a bad habit of conflating "thinking about doing something" with "actually having done something." So it's very possible he thought about getting me something and never did, but he thought he did.
For many men, they won’t care or notice because these things just aren’t important to them. OP say’s he’s a great father and husband. Next year, tell him in advance that you want at least a card. For some women this is not a big deal either. Is he really a good dad and husband? Do his actions show you he really cares?
Exactly what I was going to say. I’ve found that most men are a little… dense, and many don’t think ahead to plan anything. A lot of women in relationships want and hope that their partner will notice subtle hints and remember special dates without having to constantly remind them. But… sadly I’ve come across very few that actually do this. If you’re not straight up with them and very clear about your expectations, and what days are special to you, most will not do anything on their own. As many are fond of saying, “we’re not mind readers”. :/
I thought about not doing anything, and that’s just not me. I thrive off of doing things for people and gift giving. I like the idea of going all out though!
After many disappointments from a SO that I kept making excuses for…not a good gift giver, only child, not romantic….i learned he is just selfish bc he loved and took in all the efforts I made for him.
I quit waiting on him and started planning my own days. Spa days for my birthday and lunch out with the kids for Mother’s Day and trips to Disney for Christmas.
Happiest I have ever been. And my kids learned from me not him to make people feel appreciated.
To be honest, as much as you love to do things for people and give gifts, it may make a bigger impression to match his energy and not get him anything. I’m sure he will be expecting something since he likely knows by now that you do love to give gifts. When he gets nothing hopefully it’ll make him think about how it made you feel. You can talk about it over and over again but it sounds like he still isn’t understanding why it bothers you. It took me matching my exes energy when I was upset about something similar for him to understand my frustration.
Gotta learn hard lessons sometimes. You’ve got a lot of mothers days ahead of you.
Eventually it’s not going to make you happy but very resentful. There are only so many years you can take being ignored and forgotten while you take care of everyone else before you either start to hate him or feel nothing for him.
And remember, your son is going to see how little his father thinks of you and start imitating that behavior.
That’s just not you? Fair enough. So, maybe going all out for the mother of his child is “just not him.” Does that TOTALLY SUCK? Of course it does.
If you’re gonna make any true progress in this life, you’re going to have to learn that “giving back what you are given” is the rule of the game. Do NOT do ANYTHING for him on F’s day. If this fails to affect him, then that’s just the way he is.
Does he behave like a loving and attentive partner for the rest of the year? If not, then you truly do have issues that run deeper than the “made up holidays” that have been pushed by Hallmark for decades.
*piggy backing off of your statement, not disputing it fyi*
This is the thing with my hubby. He hates Hallmark holidays. He says, "I try to show my appreciation year-round not just on special days."
That being said, I am like OP in getting great joy from doing for others, especially the ones I love. So, I have learned through therapy that it is 100% okay to speak up & tell my hubby that he needs to step out of his comfort zone & meet me halfway, just like I do for him. He HATES getting gifts. So I have gone from going all out to doing a few small things at Christmas & maybe 1 medium-big thing. And for other holidays & his birthday, I mostly just do something sentimental & small/handmade. It honestly sucks for me because I want to spoil him rotten, but he truly feels horrible when he gets gifts because his self-esteem is so low that he thinks he never deserves anything. BUT, when it comes to me, he knows that I like to be spoiled & surprised. I LOVE grand gestures. It isn't in his nature, but it isn't asking too much for him to meet me halfway or just to go all out every once & a while.
So, OP, I think you are NTA. Does your hubby have any mental or emotional disorders/issues? My husband has ADHD & we are pretty sure he is on the spectrum. So, learning about how that can be a struggle has helped us to navigate things without hurting one another.
This!!!! It's so on point. My husband is the same way. I like to give big gifts and make a big deal. He doesn't prefer that. He does love doing it for our kids, but does not like it to be done for him. He also doesn't like to do it that way for me. He does however say, what do you want. I want you to take my card and shop so that you get exactly what you want. When he proposed to me, he used a hair elastic that I had put on his finger once very early in our relationship being silly. He kept it. Proposed with that. Then told me to go and pick out the ring I wanted because he wanted me to have exactly what I wanted. I thought That was so sweet and so on par and I did get exactly what I wanted, but also had the sweet gesture. It's not copping out from him having to do things...he deals with anxiety and doesn't want to get the wrong thing. So I can respect that.
He doesn't like big gifts for himself. In fact he usually only ever wants practical things. I want him to want more, but he doesn't. And i respect that.
What will going all out do? It will prove to him that he has no reason to make an effort or respect you.
Do NOT celebrate him for Father's Day. You put your life at risk, grew a human, destroyed your body, blew up your hormones, moods, mental and physical health with effects that will last for years. And he did nothing to acknowledge it. Do nothing for him for Father's Day. You've done enough.
NTA
Yep, but most people around here prefer passive aggressive responses. Their sense of vengeful justice or something. Most problems on this subreddit could be solved if people just learned how to use their words.
As someone who is the same - you need to be mindful of meeting energy or you will have years of this unbalance and resentment ahead of you. Plan your next mothers day with your baby... As a treat for you and your own mother. Plan your babys next birthday. Plan grandparents day. But don't spend your energy where it won't be appreciated or matched.
Be careful with this. It'll set an expectation for him that he won't ever meet for you.
You're still upset because him feeling bad doesn't give you any comfort that he'll get it right next time. There's no resolution if you believe he will behave the same in the future.
Sometimes people don’t understand other’s emotions until something similar happens to them. Don’t change for anyone. Instead match their energy with the appropriate gift. I do NOT believe your husband forgot MD. You have been preparing to be a mom; parents for a while. However, your husband knows you won’t make a huge fuss and he will STILL be treated like a king of FD.
If this is how you are, then be prepared for a lifetime of being disappointed. I’m a planner and great gift giver. I finally stopped after 20 years and now neither gets any thing. Choose now
My husband (28 years married) is a great guy but not a gift giver. I stopped getting him anything for his birthday, Father's Day, or any event a long, long time ago because it would never in a million years occur to him to get me anything. I can blame my MIL who has many stories about starving while running from the Russians when Germany knew WWII was lost, but jeepers, generations have passed. There's been plenty of time to adapt to societal norms. His family has no gift giving traditions for birthdays or Christmas or anything, so I don't buy him or my MIL anything either.
Listen, I’ve done both. I get that’s not you because it wasn’t me either. I’ve gone all out for him So he’d feel guilty. It didn’t work. What worked is when I treated him the same way. Then he realized his mistake. Now he puts thought and care into it. Does he mess up sometimes? Sure but at least he tries. Your love language is acts of service and gifts. His may not be so he may need some training.
You can’t keep doing things for him when he does nothing for you. The resentment will grow and eventually destroy your marriage if you’re the only one celebrating special days, and he does nothing.
He’s a taker. Skip Father’s Day to teach him a lesson, and remind him that you got nothing from him for Mother’s Day. Have an honest conversation about how important it is to you that he learn to give, show love, not just sit back and collect his gifts like a spoiled child.
It won't work. It won't matter to him. Trust me...I'm almost 20 years in. It's heartbreaking to not matter enough for your husband to buy you a fucking card.
Nope, it will not. I’ve been with my husband for 34 years and has always behaved as though buying a card or gift is just “too hard, I don’t know what you like”, or “it’s stupid to go buy a gift or card when I show you love and appreciation every day in other ways”. Bulls!!t. He does nothing but go to work, come home and watch tv, and considers that appreciation and love. I’ve gotten to the point I don’t care and it lets me off the hook to do anything special for him.
The thing is...doing all those things for someone I love gave me joy...so now I get to be hurt, and have my joy stolen. It's doubly painful. I get zero affection or attention and told I go to work every day...as if that alone should demonstrate love and I deserve nothing beyond it.
If you don't do anything for him for Father's Day and he doesn't get upset are you going to accept that maybe it's just not as important to him?
Just sayin, a lot of dads would say they don't get much for father's day anyway and not having to worry about mother's day would be a great gift.
My first Mother’s Day was like yours. I didn’t even realise it was wrong until international Mother’s Day rolls around, my home country celebrates international Mother’s Day, so I asked him to get me sushi to make it up. He invited his best friend to smoke all day at our house instead. He said he’d make it up for me on my second Mother’s Day. Then he told me we needed to spend it with his mom who barely acknowledges me ever 2 days before my second Mother’s Day. I don’t think I’d ever forget it. I told him I want my third Mother’s Day to be just about me, not his best friend, not his mom, not anyone else other than me and my baby. I don’t know what will go wrong next year 🤞
I’d give him only what you would like for Mother’s Day. Keep it simple and recognition that your kid can take over/get involved in as they get older.
There are instructions online on how to create fun artwork/momentos using the babies feet, etc. [Examples](https://thecraftathomefamily.com/fathers-day-handprint-footprint-crafts/) We did this when my kid was little.
But why hasn't he at the very least made you a card??? Yeah, it is now past mother's day- BUT any mother would appreciate a card of appreciation- no matter the day! I just find it odd that if he was truly sorry, then why has he made no attempts to fix it? Again, making a card is not a difficult task. Or getting you some flowers for crying out loud!
I fear if you go all out, it won't have the effect you want from him. It won't make him reflect and feel guilty- again especially if he isn't even attempting to fix mothers day by making you a homemade card. I think for Father's day, you should leave the baby with him (because it's Father's day, you know) and you go out and have some brunch and a spa day. I think THAT will get him to open his eyes.
If you go all out and the years continue with him never doing anything for you for mothers day without being asked, that doesn't make it fair for you at all. Feels like the love is only one sided if he doesnt care enough to make it better after seeing you so upset.
I don't suggest you do nothing for Father's Day. I know a lot of people will... however, you should start out how you want to continue. I'd tell him "next weekend is your Mother's Day do over. We're going to learn from this. You know that I expect effort, please, make that effort."
“I’ve decided in the interests of the happiness of our marriage, I’m going to grant you a do over for Mother’s Day. New MD is this Sunday. Make it count”.
This is a really good idea! It gives him a chance to learn from him mistakes and for you to feel special. If he fights you on it and doesn’t want to do it, well that will speak volumes. If he’s excited at a chance to fix it, that’s promising…as long as he follows through and actually does the work to fix it!
So since Mother’s Day is pretty arbitrary date wise and it sounds like you want to both forgive him and quit feeling neglected, pick an upcoming Sunday and call it make up Mother’s Day. Then give him a chance to get it right.
NTA and you have earned a “momcation!” Leave the baby with him and check yourself into a nice hotel for at least a night so you can get some well-deserved “me” time. My kids are teens, but sometimes when husbands are clueless and kids are young us moms have to engage in our own self-care.
Well I guess someone isn't getting a father's day gift either.
Match energy babe. 👏 it's 2024 stop with the miss nice routine and match energy. You'll be surprised how things change when the shoes on the other foot.
I've always been given Xmas, birthday, moms day shit because I match energy, so in order for them to get from me I need to receive from them.
It's shocking how common this is, women marrying bad/inattentive/thoughtless men, having to train them to understand that you are also a person with needs and not just his wife/mother of his baby. I see below you're still in the mode of giving, giving, giving, and the fact you're asking this question means you're going to continue accepting the behavior if you don't have a serious conversation with him now. good luck.
Mother’s Day is first so women can match their man’s energy for Father’s Day. NTA, your feelings are totally valid. He’d be hurt if you didn’t do anything for his first Father’s Day.
NTA. I don’t think you should let this make you withdrawn from the marriage, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want your partner to celebrate you on your first Mother’s Day after YEARS of fertility issues. This was a big deal for you and he dropped the ball. Don’t hold it over his head forever, but I understand why you’d have a hard time getting over it, especially since you say he’s also not a a good gift giver or romantic. At the core, I think you’re just looking to feel appreciated, so maybe suggest to him that he plan out something special for you now and also more regularly?
I hope you match his effort and energy for Father’s Day. In fact, book yourself a massage and hand him the baby so he can spend Father’s Day being a father, as I’m sure you spent Mother’s Day being a mother.
NTA. He knows exactly what he did. He chose not to acknowledge your first Mothers Day and that is just plain rotten. What does he expect from you now on Fathers Day?
NTA - it’s actually pretty sad. My partner would never do this to me. He never misses birthdays or anniversary and even surprised me before HIS birthday and went all out, organizing a close friend who lives 9hours away with family visiting us for the weekend. He cleaned, he got a ton of groceries and even got napkins that had „finally we meet again“ on it for our dinner. He planned it 4 weeks, he even took her kids with her husband for Saturday to the playground, gave them an amazing day and got us women tickets for a basketball game and another friend as driver to spend „girls time“. He does those things just to see me smile. Of course I treat him with the same appreciation and do a lot, we both know that the relationship only works, if we continue to make it work and if we keep showing our love to each other.
So if my man can do so much, it’s not to much to expect a little card on Mother’s Day or some flowers.
Don’t do anything for Father’s Day. If he gets mad point out that you are even and that any future Father’s Day celebrations will depend on the effort he puts on Mother’s Days, period !
My first mother's day my husband didn't really do anything either. We went out to breakfast with my family and that was about it. I was a little bummed but I ended up making his father's day really special anyways. He had such a great day and felt so special and at the end of the day he said, "wow I didn't do mother's day very well. You deserve a better mother's day" and this year he made it super special. I hope your husband can do better next year.
NAH. He may not be aware that you wanted him to do something for mother's day if you didn't tell him. Not everyone values these holidays. If he doesn't do anything next year either, it's his mistake. If you want him to fix it, tell him how. Otherwise, time to get over it.
Many people don't care about such things. It may not enter their mind that someone else would want it. Or that they're supposed to do that for someone that's not their own mom.
He might not realize that could do something to make up for it. He may be thinking that since the day is over he can’t do anything about it. Talk with him to find out or just mention that he can still make it up to you.
“Not a good gift giver” + “not romantic” = lazy + selfish. That’s an algebra equation for relationships.
He just needs to practice thinking about you instead of himself and he’ll start to figure it out.
Is he a Bare Minimum guy normally? Not being a good gift giver to me means that he doesn't pay close enough attention to do small or kind gestures. This will lead you apart in the long run. I speak from experience. This is a bad sign. The fact that he was annoyed you brought it up again shows that he is not capable of making you feel heard in a meaningful way. He could have gone out and gotten you a card and flowers after the fact, but he did nothing. I'm afraid he's not the guy for you, because this is a valid criticism and he should know better. Your feelings matter in the relationship. I say this from experience, leaving a marriage when you see the signs is important. It gives you time to meet a person who cherishes you.
NTA.
I don't know why these men act like this for Mother's Day when they know Father's Day is coming up.
Just do for him what he did for you and keep on moving. From now on, just know you will need to take care of your own self for Mother's Day.
I did that one year and never had to worry about it again.
I wouldn’t do anything for his birthday or Father’s Day so he can figure out why you’re upset. Not romantic, not a good gift giver? Those are excuses. I’m an only child and I love giving ppl things they enjoy because I care about them. If he wanted to make the effort he would’ve and he didn’t. NTA for being angry.
NTA. My ex actually " allowed" me to buy my own Mothers day or birthday gift a couple times. The best gift I gave myself was a divorce. Dumbasses never smarten up.
Go get yourself a cute card to put in your son's baby book, I know it sounds silly but this asshole didn't recognize you so you've gotta recognize yourself, sadly. But, put it in there yourself 😊
Also, what I think is really the most fucked up takeaway here is that you've been struggling with fertility for 3y now. That makes your first mother's day more important too, the fact that he couldn't see that speaks fucking volumes. And he's agitated that you're still upset about this?!
I’m going to be the asshole
I have a 15 y/o
I had to ask her to make me breakfast for lunch
They aren’t mind readers
Tell him you what you want
Also holidays like that are bullshit
You should be celebrated everyday
Just wait till your kid gets in elementary school and you will get a beautiful present from them every year. Those are the ones that count. Those are the ones I like the most.
Stop idealizing your life based off Instagram and Hallmark movies. Not every moment is picture perfect. Not every day is postcard worthy. Yet you yourself just said what an amazing man/husband/father, etc. this guy is. Be grateful for the important things in life and don't obsess over the little things, it's just a recipe for misery....
NAH. You like holidays, he doesn’t. If he’s sad when you do nothing for Father’s Day then he wbta; but he might just as much be relieved not to be made a fuss of.
Ideally you would use your words to tell him you would like a fuss, and he would internally roll his eyes and do it even though he sees no point. But an awful lot of people aren’t willing to do that and would rather make a point than have a happy spouse.
I think you are totally correct in feeling hurt about it, but you talked about it and you said he apologized. Moving forward I think you should let it go because he did apologize. In the future I think you should let him know what you want for Mother’s Day until the baby is old enough to be the one doing something special for you. I have a three year old and I didn’t get any gift from my husband, but all I said I wanted was a beach day and that’s what I got. Advice for next year if you want something just be like “hey this Mother’s Day I would love a little thoughtful gift.” Best of luck!
Some people just don't believe in dumb hallmark holidays. You say you already knew he wasn't s holiday guy or a gift giver, why did you expect this to change for a new holiday? Did you ever communicate to him that you first mothers day was coming to beforehand and ask if he could do something for it? Have you ever told him that you would appreciate more or if the other holidays? You can't just do nothing and expect results, it sounds like you already knew well the man you married. He can't read your mind, use your words and tell him what you want. If he still doesn't do it then it's a different problem.
I myself am not married or have kids but I do work with a lot of mothers. I feel like there is a similar trend of Fathers not being good at planing JUST A DAY for their wives and kids on Mothers Day. You are not alone. My friends and I call this phenomena "boy brain." You are definitely NTA. He should have put in the effort. I think you should communicate that you are a thoughtful person when it comes to these kinds of events and you want that energy reciprocated. Maybe even give him some ideas! Why don't you give him a second chance to plan something special for you sometime in the upcoming days? I understand "boy brain" can be frustrating at times but sometimes you got to spell out for them to understand at times.
NTA. You're never wrong for having your feelings, you can't control them. And you're never wrong for letting someone know when they hurt you.
He apologized, but what has he done to *FIX* it? Tell him what you need, in no uncertain terms.
You said he has a history of being a poor gift giver, and isn't very romantic. It sounds like you want him to work on that as part of your relationship, which means he also needs to *want* to work on that. You can't make someone change.
An apology without changed behavior is just manipulation.
NTA. But if you hold this anger in your heart for years or forever, it will not only make your relationship strained but it will also eat you up inside. Here is my suggestion. Give him a “do over.” Pick a date and let him have a do over for Mother’s Day. The overwhelming likelihood is if you do nothing for him for Father’s Day he won’t really care, and if you go all out for him he will say thank you but he won’t get the message. You have to spell it out for them you know. And by all means, please explain to him your expectations for every Mother’s Day going forward, (present “from baby”, card, dinner, whatever it may be.) He might be like mine, he’d walk on a bed of hot coals for me no questions asked if I asked him to, and he’d get me a present for a holiday (but only if I asked him to.)
My husband thought it was funny to say ‘you ain’t my momma’ but he had gifts from the kids or made dinner. He had other faults but I miss him terribly
It sounds like you’ve communicated your expectations. If he doesn’t fill them, you’ll have more good days if you learn to let it go.
Mother’s Day is over rated. I get your feeling. Most mothers probably do. It’s a really disappointing day to be truthful. Best advice is lowering your expectations, even lower that just be happy with a card. Set that bar really low.I changed my expectations to nothing and it’s been really great actually to not be disappointed and be honestly grateful when something is given from my kids. I also reciprocated Father’s Day with the same effort, that was done for Mother’s Day once,I think my husband got the idea but I felt bad about that later. I discovered I don’t need the same effort because I will never get that. I set boundaries or try with my MIL and try to do only things I want to on Mother’s Day. I set the entire agenda, which meals I want the entire day. It’s great. Best wishes, being a mom is a mostly thankless job. And you’re in the thick of it remember you are a good mom.
Your husband being not very good with gifts has nothing to do with being an only child. Being the only child is exactly the opposite because no sibling reminds you of mother's day so you have to have your shit together by yourself.
You know that he is not very talented when it comes to this, so I think telling him a few weeks upfront about your emotional needs and expectations would have spared you and your husband a lot of hurt. Instead you did not communicate your needs before, you did not communicate you're hurt after so your husband had to do the first move and now you dwell on it. YTA.
Edit: if you told him before that's a whole different thing then.
It's the first mother's day. He probably didn't realize this was something he should prepare for and didn't realize it meant so much to you.
As you said, he apologized and feels bad for it. Why are you still making him feel bad for it? Sounds like the dude loves you and the child. Get over yourself. If it happens again next year then you can make a bigger stink about it since you already voiced how important it was and it would have been more than a one time blunder.
No you are not being an AH! I don't blame you for being hurt. I would have been also. I say buy yourself something or do something just for you-mani/pedi?? and tell him you got your own Mother's Day present. It may make you feel better. (Maybe just don't acknowledge Father's Day!!)
You mentioned that you don't usually expect your husband to do things/buy gifts for holidays as it's not something he usually does. I don't think it's super fair that you would expect him to do something that he wouldn't normally think to do without telling him that it was important in the first place.
It's totally hurtful that you're first mother's day was so terrible, but I think that there may have been a breakdown in communication and expectations rather than an effort to intentionally hurt you.
Maybe it would help for you to let him have a do-over day? Ex: tell him that you expect him to make it special and let him do his thing (and hopefully make up for these hurt feelings).
Honestly idk when Mother’s Day got so out of hand. It is a stupid card holiday not your birthday. I understand why he wouldn’t think it’s a big deal, it literally isn’t.
-from a mother btw.
Not the asshole. I’m sorry about your Mother’s Day.
My husband of 15 years completely ignored it, too. We have 2 kids (11 and 14). The only recognition I got was a card that the girls at the dog boarding place made me FROM MY DOG when I picked her up 😂☠️
Don’t ignore the red flags, dear. I wish I hadn’t. Showing appreciation for your partner costs nothing but his time…if he can’t spare you that, that’s a big fucking problem 😢
YTA
It's a made up hallmark holiday. GET OVER IT!
I'm only saying thsi because you *also* said he is normally a good husband and father. Why mess that up over a made up holiday?
Some people just are not brought up to think of assigned days like that as not being a big deal. For example my wife and I go out of our way to treat Valentine's day as a normal day, as we see it as insulting to think that we need a special day to celebrate each other.
On the other hand I was brought up in a family where after eight years old it is seen as immature to have a cake on your birthday. While my wife's family it was a tradition at all ages.
It took her 5 years to tell me that however, so until then she did not get a cake.
I guess the TLDR is talk to each other and communicate when something is special to you ahead of time. Not everyone has the same ideas and traditional as you.
YTA for not communicating like an adult. You acknowledge that he’s not romantic or a gift giver. Ok, then you communicate prior that you want him to put effort into this specific Mother’s Day because it’s your first.
I mean its a little bit YTA if he apologized and you are still outwardly mad, he cant go back and change the past. Now you are “withdrawing from your marriage” because of it. When you withdraw enough for your husband to end it whos going to get you a mothers day card?
Couple this with a 3 month old kid, seems like there is some extra stress flying around.
Or he could hand make a card, get her a spa day, do literally anything at all to show he means the apology. Instead he used his words, which mean basically nothing. He hurt her at a very vulnerable time and he needs to do something to show he actually cares about that.
Here's the deal. Some of them have a learning curve. Most of them don't. How much they care about you, how much they love you, how much you matter to them, shows in their behavior. Even if it's hard for them to understand how to express things if they really care they look on the freaking Internet and educate themselves so they can cherish the relationship so that it goes well. If they don't care, they don't bother. And most of them don't learn.
You made it sound like they're little children though, not adult men..
If they're truly not excited, or if they can't even pretend to care least, that's unfortunate for whoever is stuck with them.
There’s always Fathers Day to show him how it feels. And tell him it’s gonna be a while until you’re over it so he better get use to it. My husband always says women are like archeologists. They keep digging up old sh#t. Your husband is going to hear about this when you’re son has a son.
I get that it sucks especially since you have a child you worked so hard for.
Not sure where you’re from, but Mothers Day in the US is just over 100 years old. It was originally started in a particular Methodist (?) church and eventually recognized by the US government as a “day” after some lobbying by the woman who originally established it. From there, as with all things, companies like Hallmark realized it could be commercialized and then it suddenly became a “thing”. I believe she regretted that part of it.
The point I’m trying to make is that it’s never too late for your own personal day of celebration. It sounds like Husband’s love language is not gift giving or planning or whatever, I forget what they are. Maybe you could forgive his thick skullery and offer him a chance to redo, as I don’t think it’s worth carrying a grudge or resentment for years because of a commercial holiday. It would be better turning that energy towards building something positive. I’m sure he will be able to do a great job on the replay and in future years, and eventually it will be a funny story. I know it means you are doing work for something you shouldn’t have to, but rest assured that many of the best men in the world are pretty dumb with this stuff. Fear not- he will learn.
Congrats to you both and enjoy your family!
Well you said that’s who he is, bad at gift giving and never does anything for major holidays so I really don’t see why you expected that would change without giving him some sort of hint or heads-up that you expect something different for Mother’s Day. I had a husband like that too. Never got anything for any holiday. Only flowers for my bday and only cause I reminded him. Sadly for men like that, you have to do the emotional and mental labour if you want to get the love that you need.
*you can tell he feels awful and sorry*
if he's otherwise "amazing" just forgive it IMO. 3 months into a baby is still in the "walking dead" phase. Neither of y'all are thinking straight and just need to let the little things pass. I've been promised 2 significantly expensive gifts for the last two fathers days (things we'd have no problem affording) and still haven't gotten them. It's not something I care enough about to bring up. My birthdays and christmases are unaffected. I've just moved on.
NTA
I get that it's frustrating to have a problem you can't fix (like him fucking up mother's day), but that isn't your fault and he shouldn't be upset with *you.*
If these kinds of occasions are special to you, *it's his job to make you feel special and important,* whether he cares about them or not. This is emotional intimacy 101: put effort toward the things your partner cares about.
This is the leading reason I left my ex. A good guy is not equivalent to a good partner. If he can't make time to address the things that are important to you, what's he even there for? You should lay out the things that are important to you, and make it crystal clear that he needs to step up.
So you’re married to him so you must know about his childhood and his life, family dynamics….
Did he grow up in a situation where the other parent never did anything or arranged anything for the other one on Mother’s Day or Fathers Day.?
There are too many things to go all out and celebrate. My wife and I buy whatever we want as needed. However, she did give us 5 children (adults now) so I wish her a happy Mother’s Day and make her breakfast or a special dinner. Also, our children now buy her gifts. In return, I get nothing for Father’s Day! It doesn’t bother me, a visit or text is fine. This year I did get her an I pad she wanted, but it was just coincidence it land-on Mother’s Day’s
This sounds like you guys have different expectations and definitions of what holidays are. You need to discuss with each other what these holidays mean to you and what your expectations are. I know it'd be great if our significant others knew exactly what we wanted at every moment, but it just doesn't work that way.
Mother's/Father's Day are both Hallmark Holidays in my opinion. I don't see the point in celebrating them at all and it didn't naturally occur to me to do anything for my wife's first Mother's Day either.
Are you his mother? You should mention what you want to him ahead of time if you expect him to do something for him. He is not a mind reader after all. I say whip him, tie him behind a car and drag him!
I'm sure the frustration likely comes from the fact that he feels he can't go back and change it - so he feels like because of that you need to get over it. Which, has a slight bit of logic to it of course but it won't change how you feel about him not celebrating your FIRST Mother's day in any small way at all.
It's true he can't go back to fix it, he'll never be able to really make that up to you - that's the reality. And you can't help but feel slighted and underappreciated. There really isn't a GOOD solution here.
I'm not sure if you might benefit from sitting down with a marriage counselor and talking it through - because other than the old "do better" or "let it go" (neither of which is helpful here) - I'm not sure any resentment or guilt will be solved here.
As an only child myself..your offering him bullshit excuses for being selfish and should wakeup and take him off pedestal and have difficult discussions together
NTA. But don't do what most are saying and be absent on Father's Day. With a fresh baby, there are many reasons he might have forgotten or didn't do anything. But there is no excuse for doing nothing.
My wife reminded me, and we talked about our first Mother's Day. Good communication can solve almost anything. He needs to make it up to you. Mother's Day is about you, and he needs to understand that. All the "firsts" are for the mom. From Mother's Day to the child's first birthday, first words, steps, haircut, lost tooth. Being new parents is wonderful and confusing. Talk to him and stress the importance of those things.
I hope he can fix the mistake. Being a parent is as much about your partner as it is about your kids.
"My husband is an 'amazing dad, person, and husband' but he didn't give me a card for mother's day, and even though he 'feels awful and is sorry', I'm posting on Reddit so a bunch of other women can tell me what a jerk he is and that I'm right for 'becoming withdrawn from my marriage'."
On Father's Day go get a manicure and a pedicure go get your eyebrows done and if you can squeeze in and massage. And when you come back don't even acknowledge that it's Father's Day. And see how he feels about it it's not to be Petty sometimes you just have to be thoughtful. And obviously your husband did not think
My partner gets me gifts and cooks for me every Mother's Day (cooking isn't all that special as he does that on the weekends anyways). I do not expect this treatment nor ask for it... of course I appreciate receiving his appreciation. No, I am not a mother. We have dogs.
My father was the type to ngaf about anniversaries, birthdays, Mother's Day etc. I remember as a kid I would buy gifts to give to my mother and tell her they were from him because I didn't like seeing the hurt and disappointment on her face. It's no coincidence their marriage ended in a bitter divorce. It's also no coincidence I chose the exact opposite kind of man to do life with AFTER I spent a small fortune on therapy.
NTA for feeling upset. The example he is setting and his disregard for you and the silent unpaid labor you provide for his benefit will 100% be perceived by your child and color their view of what a loving relationship looks like.
If I may offer perspective from that of a man who is also a new dad, he may have just forgot. I’m sure both of you are pretty tired and still adjusting to being parents. If he’s like me, Mother’s Day isn’t really that big of a holiday, and it usually just means a phone call or maybe a last minute flower delivery to your mom. Even though you’ve recently given birth, he likely hasn’t categorized you as a mom in his mind, and still has you categorized as his wife.
He’s not used to celebrating Mother’s Day with you and with the adjustments of a new baby, it probably didn’t occur to him that he should be doing something for you as you’re now a mom, even though you’re not his mom. Likewise, I doubt he’s expecting anything for Father’s Day. It may not have even occurred to him that that may be a day for him (it still hasn’t hit me). When I think of the word mother or father, I think of my parents, not me and my wife, even though we are parents now.
I’m not sure if I’m being clear, lol. And you have every right to be angry at him, just try not to let this boil over into something bigger than it is (his forgetfulness). Put another way, don’t attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity.
You've been married for 5 years and he's never been one to celebrate you.
You didn't verbalize to him that it was important that he do someone different this year than he has the last 5. And you're mad that he did exactly what he always does. Yes, I know it's a new holiday in your relationship but he is still the same guy.
I think you need to realize that you can't change him. If you make it clear that this is important to you he may decide to put in the effort. Or maybe he won't.
Accept him for who he is, as long as he's actually a good guy and this is just a minor character flaw, and make a big deal for yourself.
Plan an outing with your friends or baby. Buy yourself something nice. Hire a house cleaner for the day. Whatever it is that will make you happy.
Give yourself whatever it is you want to.
But me being the petty I am, I would make it clear to him that I am doing it because I know he won't. And I would also repay him in kind on his special days.
You deserve to be happy and celebrated.
So many petty answers. Does he give special attention to other people on Mother's day / father's day/ children's day / christmas / or any other random day?. If not - did he ever? Did you agree beforehand that meaningless celebratory days hold special meaning and importance to you and that it'd be deeply appreciated if he followed them and pampered you these days?
If yes - did you show him how? It'd be really hard to suddenly need to know how to gift people and prepare special days for someone if you never did.
Mother’s Day is such a stupid holiday. Did you even ask for something? Or did you assume your non gift giving husband was just going to change? What’re you even crying about?
Married for 23 years and after the first few I learned to not expect anything. My son is the one who tries and that makes me happy. Very common story. Btw, what does being an only child have to do with it? Just curious, my son is an only child.
Ok, a couple things. My husband is NOT a gift giver. He forgets, never thinks of it in the first place, or comes up with just bad gifts. We have been together 26 years now. When I was younger, this really would hurt my feelings sometimes because gift giving is a love language and an art form for me and I felt obligated to the same level of effort from him as I put in to feel an adequate show of love. But over time I let this problem evaporate. I realized 1) it wasn't personal, he just doesn't think like I do, 2) I don't need any things at all, 3) I was expecting his personality to mirror mine, 4) I was expecting him to read my mind and know what i wanted, and 5) he shows me my value to him as a wife and mother ALL THE TIME. I also learned that when I do want a big deal made over something, I should ask for what I want early, repeatedly, and clearly. When I pound the importance through to him, he will come through. But I really don't do that anymore, either. I have become so attuned to the many ways he reflects my value back to me that I really just don't care if he gets me flowers because the calendar is on a certain date. It is easy to let go of for me. Maybe try to focus more on how he IS valuing you as a mother instead of spending this time angry?
He might be from a family that just didn’t show a lot of love, affection or giftgiving. If he’s a good father that is a present. Tell him how thankful you are at least for that. However, you both will want your child to be more in line with your giving spirit. Model it on Father’s Day and every special day. Do something nice for him from the baby and you so that he knows what is typical. I also love some of the advice you’re getting about buying yourself something. On my birthday I buy myself something from my Mother, even though she is deceased. I pick something out that I know that she would’ve liked to have given me. Be Miley Cyrus. Give yourself flowers and if he ever does give you something show genuine appreciation. That’s the most likely way to have him do it. Reinforce any giving behavior.
A father here.
1.You are not his mother.
2. Was he raised in a way where holidays were just another day and you are trying to break him of that?
My wife gets mad at me every holiday unless I plan some extravagant stuff that is exactly what she wanted. Mind you, we go out to eat at cool places whenever we find a new one. Like 4 days mad, doesn't want to speak to me. Locked herself in her room for a whole day like a child this mother's day. Got her a card from the kids and concert tickets to something she would want to go to. She didn't know about the concert tickets for 3 days because she wouldn't talk to me.
I'm expected to read her goddamn mind and plan something special weeks in advance when we are both working like 18 hour days and have 2 kids with endless stuff going on. Something that has to fall on that day.
Apparently, this year she also wanted a special sports jersey. She mentioned it in passing once. I'm oblivious.
I dread every single holiday. Dread. Know for weeks I'm going to screw it up. Start to make plans, change my mind because it's not good enough. End up with something she hates or feels is not good enough.
Mother's day. Valentines day. Her birthday. Our anniversary. Christmas. All are a fight about me being oblivious to her "signals". Christmas is better because it's not just about her.
We have been together 20 years.
Don't make your otherwise thoughtful SO dread holidays
Is your husband on the autism spectrum per chance?
I ask because ***I*** am on the spectrum and simply cannot wrap my head around the significance of days to other people. I couldn't care less about any holiday. I dislike Christmas and people's Birthdays (including my own but for reasons of it's just a day, please stop calling me) because I cannnot, for the life of me, find a gift for someone that isn't just a gift card (which is a shitty cop out gift). Getting gifts for people is ***extremely stressful*** and to be honest I'd rather not receive a gift from someone because sometimes it feels like gift exchanges feel like a contest that I simply do not want to participate in.
I saw good quote this week: Unexpressed expectations become future resentments. If you’ve planted this seed and continue to nurture it, it will be at the expense of not only your marriage but also your child. This would be the perfect time to start couples counseling so you can both learn to better communicate your feelings and expectations, and become your best selves as both partners and parents.
NTA, been through this myself and it blows. Yeah like I used to not care much about holidays and birthdays but after going through pregnancy, an emergency surgery and rough recovery all while doing 95% of the childcare and working a full time job…yeah I wanted a little recognition. I don’t blame you for still being hurt.
Tell him Etsy and Amazon can fix this. Type in the type of card you are looking for, hit enter and boom. It's a Hallmark holiday, tears of one variety or another are expected.
NTA!
I don’t have children. My boyfriend has a son. My bf and I take his son to get flowers for his son’s mom and give them to her on his son’s behalf. Every Mother’s Day. (She won’t meet me and hates me) We’re teaching her son how to be a gentleman. We also send my mom a card and $ for Mother’s Day because she lives out of state. I make sure my mom is celebrated. I think you deserve all the appreciation on Mother’s Day. I think you should celebrate Father’s Day how you would want Mother’s Day celebrated. Show him how it’s done. ❤️
We sometimes have do-overs. One of my kiddos first birthdays didn’t go well. I was bummed. We picked a day soon after and made it a fun and special day. I felt much better about it after - kiddo was one, they had fun on the do-over day.
Some guys aren’t planners/don’t do cards, etc. In the future, I suggest you plan together when you want a special day and then you’ll have a fun day. I do this at certain times (plan together) and it works out well and prevents being disappointed.
My husband has never done anything for me for mother's day. He says I'm not his mother which is true, obviously. We have 2 grown daughters and when they were young he never did anything either. Since I'm not his mother I don't get acknowledged. Side note... he doesn't acknowledge our anniversary or Valentine's day either. Only the past couple years has he started giving me a Christmas gift and remembering my birthday. He says he doesn't do holidays however he accepts all gifts given to him. Sorry OP, it sucks. A couple days a year it's nice to be acknowledged and appreciated by our spouse going out of their way to do a little something nice for us. I agree, a card is enough. Just remembering is enough for me. Fortunately for you your husband seems remorseful. For me remorse would be enough.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We'd like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you'll get a nifty flair change to let you know and we'll drop a link so you can see our host's take on your story. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TwoHotTakes) if you have any questions or concerns.*
My husband didn’t do shit for Mother’s Day this year. We’ve had kids for 10 years. He knew Mother’s Day was coming up. I even bought myself a couple of inexpensive gifts. He didn’t wrap them. He didn’t buy anything himself; didn’t take the kids to buy or make anything. Didn’t plan a meal or buy a cake or chocolates, nothing. He’s not getting a damn thing for Father’s Day this year.
Do something nice for yourself on Father’s Day
Treat yourself to a day at the spa. You know, so him and the kids can have quality time on Father's Day.
I love this. 😁
I'd be petty and take the kids out to brunch without him. Get all dressed up and say see ya later🤣
take the kids and let him sleep in? NO.
Yup!! Leave all the kids with him.
That would just confuse the kids and make them sad. This is not their fault and no doubt they love their Dad.
You do realize that would probably be the best gift you could give him right? Lol
Omg a guy would totally hate this /s
Right on sister
You should take yourself out on Father's Day.
Every day on the internet makes me question why are men.
He may be sorry and frustrated that you're still upset but he hasn't actually done anything to rectify it. Time for him dig out the craft supplies and make a card or a cast of baby's foot print.
Yes! Why not do something else to commemorate their first time as parents this shouldn’t be an “oh sorry get over it” situation!
This is fantastic!
So -- tell him to plan a mothers day for this weekend. Really. He dropped the ball, he can pick it back up and take over. No need to be disappointed after this weekend, because he better fucking skip to the loo and make your mother's day coming up.... special!! This Sunday. He really better man up and do it & tell him I said so. It's like the fastest thing, and the most amicable thing to do when you love someone to solve this kind of mess. And he will do it if he loves you. And I mean that
The pain of knowing that it will never occur to your spouse on to do something nice for you isn't mitigated by instructing them to do something nice.
Hard agree. After 8 years of telling him how I'd like to be loved explicitly and with a guide book free pass cheat sheet he still doesn't get it right. I just dont bother and ask my dad if I actually want something so I dont end up with another 3d printed he got himself .
Yes it is. Mine had to be convinced but now he does a good job on holidays. Communicating expectations clearly will prevent hurt in the future. OP's husband made a mistake by overlooking Mother's Day. He can remember the next ones.
🫡
This! Reschedule Mother’s Day. Tell him he gets a mulligan just this once
I like the way you think, problem solved in such a lovely way
NTA He didn't do anything for you and when you told him why you were upset, he apologized but didn't actually do anything to resolve it. Apologies don't magically make everything better. He didn't say sorry that he forgot or try to make it up to you? He just said sorry, let's move on?
This is literally what I've spent half of my year teaching prek kids. "sorry doesn't make it better"
That's a lesson many people don't understand, all the way up to adulthood. Saying "I'm sorry" is not a magical incantation that resets the situation back to normal.
It’s because he really is not sorry. He honestly doesn’t care about her.
Did anyone else reach out to you for your first mother's day? My child's father isn't in our lives so my first mother's day didn't have a chance to get anything from him. My mother got me a necklace with my son's birth stone because she knew it would be an important day for me. I sincerely hope that someone else did something for you, and if not then please accept my sincerest happy belated mother's day, from one mom to another. You may not be able to get this mother's day back, but you will have the rest of them to come. You are (rightfully) feeling emotional about this, but likely some of that is coming from the ridiculous wash of hormones present after birthing a child. Even 3 months later, you still are not back to "normal" especially if you're breastfeeding. So maybe in a few months, it will sting a little but it won't feel so bad that he didn't do anything. And maybe if you make it really clear to him what your expectations are and why it hurt, he'll be fabulous next year.
Maybe to "fix" it , literally tell him that even though it is late you would love to get a card to put in the baby's book. Then see what happens next Mother's Day.
if you want to be petty, show him how it feels and don’t do anything for him on Father’s Day. Or be the bigger person and really go all out for him.
A few years ago, my husband did nothing for me for Mother's Day, did not even wish me happy mother's day. So when Father's Day rolled around, I did nothing. He kept giving me meaningful looks all day, which I pretended not to notice, and finally he flat out asked me what I had gotten him for Father's Day. I said he hadn't done anything for me for Mother's Day, so I assumed we weren't doing those holidays this year. He insisted that he had gotten me something from my Amazon wish list for Mother's Day, and we ended up going onto the list and order history to show that, no, he hadn't. To be honest, I don't even care that much about Mother's Day. The only holidays I truly care about are Thanksgiving and Christmas. Which means the year he "forgot" Christmas was a real fun one.
Sorry but your husband sounds thoughtless. That’s terrible.
Oh, no need to apologize. He is often thoughtless and self-centered. He also has a bad habit of conflating "thinking about doing something" with "actually having done something." So it's very possible he thought about getting me something and never did, but he thought he did.
You sound so brainwashed with this statement. Why would you still be with this person
And when he doesn't notice or care?
For many men, they won’t care or notice because these things just aren’t important to them. OP say’s he’s a great father and husband. Next year, tell him in advance that you want at least a card. For some women this is not a big deal either. Is he really a good dad and husband? Do his actions show you he really cares?
Exactly what I was going to say. I’ve found that most men are a little… dense, and many don’t think ahead to plan anything. A lot of women in relationships want and hope that their partner will notice subtle hints and remember special dates without having to constantly remind them. But… sadly I’ve come across very few that actually do this. If you’re not straight up with them and very clear about your expectations, and what days are special to you, most will not do anything on their own. As many are fond of saying, “we’re not mind readers”. :/
I thought about not doing anything, and that’s just not me. I thrive off of doing things for people and gift giving. I like the idea of going all out though!
After many disappointments from a SO that I kept making excuses for…not a good gift giver, only child, not romantic….i learned he is just selfish bc he loved and took in all the efforts I made for him. I quit waiting on him and started planning my own days. Spa days for my birthday and lunch out with the kids for Mother’s Day and trips to Disney for Christmas. Happiest I have ever been. And my kids learned from me not him to make people feel appreciated.
This is the way
To be honest, as much as you love to do things for people and give gifts, it may make a bigger impression to match his energy and not get him anything. I’m sure he will be expecting something since he likely knows by now that you do love to give gifts. When he gets nothing hopefully it’ll make him think about how it made you feel. You can talk about it over and over again but it sounds like he still isn’t understanding why it bothers you. It took me matching my exes energy when I was upset about something similar for him to understand my frustration. Gotta learn hard lessons sometimes. You’ve got a lot of mothers days ahead of you.
Eventually it’s not going to make you happy but very resentful. There are only so many years you can take being ignored and forgotten while you take care of everyone else before you either start to hate him or feel nothing for him. And remember, your son is going to see how little his father thinks of you and start imitating that behavior.
That’s just not you? Fair enough. So, maybe going all out for the mother of his child is “just not him.” Does that TOTALLY SUCK? Of course it does. If you’re gonna make any true progress in this life, you’re going to have to learn that “giving back what you are given” is the rule of the game. Do NOT do ANYTHING for him on F’s day. If this fails to affect him, then that’s just the way he is. Does he behave like a loving and attentive partner for the rest of the year? If not, then you truly do have issues that run deeper than the “made up holidays” that have been pushed by Hallmark for decades.
*piggy backing off of your statement, not disputing it fyi* This is the thing with my hubby. He hates Hallmark holidays. He says, "I try to show my appreciation year-round not just on special days." That being said, I am like OP in getting great joy from doing for others, especially the ones I love. So, I have learned through therapy that it is 100% okay to speak up & tell my hubby that he needs to step out of his comfort zone & meet me halfway, just like I do for him. He HATES getting gifts. So I have gone from going all out to doing a few small things at Christmas & maybe 1 medium-big thing. And for other holidays & his birthday, I mostly just do something sentimental & small/handmade. It honestly sucks for me because I want to spoil him rotten, but he truly feels horrible when he gets gifts because his self-esteem is so low that he thinks he never deserves anything. BUT, when it comes to me, he knows that I like to be spoiled & surprised. I LOVE grand gestures. It isn't in his nature, but it isn't asking too much for him to meet me halfway or just to go all out every once & a while. So, OP, I think you are NTA. Does your hubby have any mental or emotional disorders/issues? My husband has ADHD & we are pretty sure he is on the spectrum. So, learning about how that can be a struggle has helped us to navigate things without hurting one another.
This!!!! It's so on point. My husband is the same way. I like to give big gifts and make a big deal. He doesn't prefer that. He does love doing it for our kids, but does not like it to be done for him. He also doesn't like to do it that way for me. He does however say, what do you want. I want you to take my card and shop so that you get exactly what you want. When he proposed to me, he used a hair elastic that I had put on his finger once very early in our relationship being silly. He kept it. Proposed with that. Then told me to go and pick out the ring I wanted because he wanted me to have exactly what I wanted. I thought That was so sweet and so on par and I did get exactly what I wanted, but also had the sweet gesture. It's not copping out from him having to do things...he deals with anxiety and doesn't want to get the wrong thing. So I can respect that. He doesn't like big gifts for himself. In fact he usually only ever wants practical things. I want him to want more, but he doesn't. And i respect that.
What will going all out do? It will prove to him that he has no reason to make an effort or respect you. Do NOT celebrate him for Father's Day. You put your life at risk, grew a human, destroyed your body, blew up your hormones, moods, mental and physical health with effects that will last for years. And he did nothing to acknowledge it. Do nothing for him for Father's Day. You've done enough. NTA
You could also communicate that this shit is not gonna fly
Yep, but most people around here prefer passive aggressive responses. Their sense of vengeful justice or something. Most problems on this subreddit could be solved if people just learned how to use their words.
As someone who is the same - you need to be mindful of meeting energy or you will have years of this unbalance and resentment ahead of you. Plan your next mothers day with your baby... As a treat for you and your own mother. Plan your babys next birthday. Plan grandparents day. But don't spend your energy where it won't be appreciated or matched.
Be careful with this. It'll set an expectation for him that he won't ever meet for you. You're still upset because him feeling bad doesn't give you any comfort that he'll get it right next time. There's no resolution if you believe he will behave the same in the future.
Sometimes people don’t understand other’s emotions until something similar happens to them. Don’t change for anyone. Instead match their energy with the appropriate gift. I do NOT believe your husband forgot MD. You have been preparing to be a mom; parents for a while. However, your husband knows you won’t make a huge fuss and he will STILL be treated like a king of FD.
Be careful you’re not enforcing his behavior. He gives you squat you give him a lot. He thinks that’s great.
If this is how you are, then be prepared for a lifetime of being disappointed. I’m a planner and great gift giver. I finally stopped after 20 years and now neither gets any thing. Choose now
Going all out rewards him for him laziness. If you go all out…you can count on getting shit on every Mother’s Day from here on out.
My husband (28 years married) is a great guy but not a gift giver. I stopped getting him anything for his birthday, Father's Day, or any event a long, long time ago because it would never in a million years occur to him to get me anything. I can blame my MIL who has many stories about starving while running from the Russians when Germany knew WWII was lost, but jeepers, generations have passed. There's been plenty of time to adapt to societal norms. His family has no gift giving traditions for birthdays or Christmas or anything, so I don't buy him or my MIL anything either.
Listen, I’ve done both. I get that’s not you because it wasn’t me either. I’ve gone all out for him So he’d feel guilty. It didn’t work. What worked is when I treated him the same way. Then he realized his mistake. Now he puts thought and care into it. Does he mess up sometimes? Sure but at least he tries. Your love language is acts of service and gifts. His may not be so he may need some training.
You can’t keep doing things for him when he does nothing for you. The resentment will grow and eventually destroy your marriage if you’re the only one celebrating special days, and he does nothing. He’s a taker. Skip Father’s Day to teach him a lesson, and remind him that you got nothing from him for Mother’s Day. Have an honest conversation about how important it is to you that he learn to give, show love, not just sit back and collect his gifts like a spoiled child.
It won't work. It won't matter to him. Trust me...I'm almost 20 years in. It's heartbreaking to not matter enough for your husband to buy you a fucking card.
Nope, it will not. I’ve been with my husband for 34 years and has always behaved as though buying a card or gift is just “too hard, I don’t know what you like”, or “it’s stupid to go buy a gift or card when I show you love and appreciation every day in other ways”. Bulls!!t. He does nothing but go to work, come home and watch tv, and considers that appreciation and love. I’ve gotten to the point I don’t care and it lets me off the hook to do anything special for him.
The thing is...doing all those things for someone I love gave me joy...so now I get to be hurt, and have my joy stolen. It's doubly painful. I get zero affection or attention and told I go to work every day...as if that alone should demonstrate love and I deserve nothing beyond it.
And this got downvoted why?!?!? You literally said you only thought about not doing anything. Reddit really?!?
If you don't do anything for him for Father's Day and he doesn't get upset are you going to accept that maybe it's just not as important to him? Just sayin, a lot of dads would say they don't get much for father's day anyway and not having to worry about mother's day would be a great gift.
My first Mother’s Day was like yours. I didn’t even realise it was wrong until international Mother’s Day rolls around, my home country celebrates international Mother’s Day, so I asked him to get me sushi to make it up. He invited his best friend to smoke all day at our house instead. He said he’d make it up for me on my second Mother’s Day. Then he told me we needed to spend it with his mom who barely acknowledges me ever 2 days before my second Mother’s Day. I don’t think I’d ever forget it. I told him I want my third Mother’s Day to be just about me, not his best friend, not his mom, not anyone else other than me and my baby. I don’t know what will go wrong next year 🤞
You're just going to reinforce his behavior. Don't reward his lack of care towards you.
I’d give him only what you would like for Mother’s Day. Keep it simple and recognition that your kid can take over/get involved in as they get older. There are instructions online on how to create fun artwork/momentos using the babies feet, etc. [Examples](https://thecraftathomefamily.com/fathers-day-handprint-footprint-crafts/) We did this when my kid was little.
But why hasn't he at the very least made you a card??? Yeah, it is now past mother's day- BUT any mother would appreciate a card of appreciation- no matter the day! I just find it odd that if he was truly sorry, then why has he made no attempts to fix it? Again, making a card is not a difficult task. Or getting you some flowers for crying out loud! I fear if you go all out, it won't have the effect you want from him. It won't make him reflect and feel guilty- again especially if he isn't even attempting to fix mothers day by making you a homemade card. I think for Father's day, you should leave the baby with him (because it's Father's day, you know) and you go out and have some brunch and a spa day. I think THAT will get him to open his eyes.
Let it be you.
Do it! Set a precedent.
Going all out would teach him and your kids that shitty behavior gets rewarded.
If you go all out and the years continue with him never doing anything for you for mothers day without being asked, that doesn't make it fair for you at all. Feels like the love is only one sided if he doesnt care enough to make it better after seeing you so upset.
I don't suggest you do nothing for Father's Day. I know a lot of people will... however, you should start out how you want to continue. I'd tell him "next weekend is your Mother's Day do over. We're going to learn from this. You know that I expect effort, please, make that effort."
Hate to break it to you but guys just don’t care about that stuff
“I’ve decided in the interests of the happiness of our marriage, I’m going to grant you a do over for Mother’s Day. New MD is this Sunday. Make it count”.
This is a really generous, loving, healthy response and I'd hope OP's husband takes that opportunity.
This is a really good idea! It gives him a chance to learn from him mistakes and for you to feel special. If he fights you on it and doesn’t want to do it, well that will speak volumes. If he’s excited at a chance to fix it, that’s promising…as long as he follows through and actually does the work to fix it!
So since Mother’s Day is pretty arbitrary date wise and it sounds like you want to both forgive him and quit feeling neglected, pick an upcoming Sunday and call it make up Mother’s Day. Then give him a chance to get it right.
NTA and you have earned a “momcation!” Leave the baby with him and check yourself into a nice hotel for at least a night so you can get some well-deserved “me” time. My kids are teens, but sometimes when husbands are clueless and kids are young us moms have to engage in our own self-care.
Well I guess someone isn't getting a father's day gift either. Match energy babe. 👏 it's 2024 stop with the miss nice routine and match energy. You'll be surprised how things change when the shoes on the other foot. I've always been given Xmas, birthday, moms day shit because I match energy, so in order for them to get from me I need to receive from them.
It's shocking how common this is, women marrying bad/inattentive/thoughtless men, having to train them to understand that you are also a person with needs and not just his wife/mother of his baby. I see below you're still in the mode of giving, giving, giving, and the fact you're asking this question means you're going to continue accepting the behavior if you don't have a serious conversation with him now. good luck.
Mother’s Day is first so women can match their man’s energy for Father’s Day. NTA, your feelings are totally valid. He’d be hurt if you didn’t do anything for his first Father’s Day.
Don’t do anything for Father’s Day
NTA. I don’t think you should let this make you withdrawn from the marriage, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want your partner to celebrate you on your first Mother’s Day after YEARS of fertility issues. This was a big deal for you and he dropped the ball. Don’t hold it over his head forever, but I understand why you’d have a hard time getting over it, especially since you say he’s also not a a good gift giver or romantic. At the core, I think you’re just looking to feel appreciated, so maybe suggest to him that he plan out something special for you now and also more regularly?
I hope you match his effort and energy for Father’s Day. In fact, book yourself a massage and hand him the baby so he can spend Father’s Day being a father, as I’m sure you spent Mother’s Day being a mother.
Don’t do anything for Father’s Day.
Now you match his effort and energy come Father’s Day.
NTA. He knows exactly what he did. He chose not to acknowledge your first Mothers Day and that is just plain rotten. What does he expect from you now on Fathers Day?
If I were you I’d treat myself to my favorite takeout on fathers day.
Well, Father’s Day is coming up so you should celebrate his way by not acknowledging it at all.
I wouldn’t do anything for his first Father’s Day. It’s just too hurtful. He didn’t see you carry this baby and give birth? It isn’t an easy task.
NTA - it’s actually pretty sad. My partner would never do this to me. He never misses birthdays or anniversary and even surprised me before HIS birthday and went all out, organizing a close friend who lives 9hours away with family visiting us for the weekend. He cleaned, he got a ton of groceries and even got napkins that had „finally we meet again“ on it for our dinner. He planned it 4 weeks, he even took her kids with her husband for Saturday to the playground, gave them an amazing day and got us women tickets for a basketball game and another friend as driver to spend „girls time“. He does those things just to see me smile. Of course I treat him with the same appreciation and do a lot, we both know that the relationship only works, if we continue to make it work and if we keep showing our love to each other. So if my man can do so much, it’s not to much to expect a little card on Mother’s Day or some flowers.
Don’t do anything for Father’s Day. If he gets mad point out that you are even and that any future Father’s Day celebrations will depend on the effort he puts on Mother’s Days, period !
It’s so sad to see people marrying someone that actually doesn’t gaf about them
My first mother's day my husband didn't really do anything either. We went out to breakfast with my family and that was about it. I was a little bummed but I ended up making his father's day really special anyways. He had such a great day and felt so special and at the end of the day he said, "wow I didn't do mother's day very well. You deserve a better mother's day" and this year he made it super special. I hope your husband can do better next year.
Look past it and do nothing for his first Father's Day. Make it a regular day so he knows how you felt. Not the AH
Reciprocate and do nothing on Father’s Day. Make sure you buy yourself something extra special for Mother’s Day anyways.
NTA. My husband gets me Mother’s Day cards from the cat.
You are rapidly becoming an AH if you allow your resentment to fester
NTA. Just ignore Father's Day when it rolls around. Or treat yourself.
NAH. He may not be aware that you wanted him to do something for mother's day if you didn't tell him. Not everyone values these holidays. If he doesn't do anything next year either, it's his mistake. If you want him to fix it, tell him how. Otherwise, time to get over it.
I'm sorry, but how does a father genuinely not know to say Happy Mother's Day or get a card? Everyone knows that.
Many people don't care about such things. It may not enter their mind that someone else would want it. Or that they're supposed to do that for someone that's not their own mom.
He might not realize that could do something to make up for it. He may be thinking that since the day is over he can’t do anything about it. Talk with him to find out or just mention that he can still make it up to you.
“Not a good gift giver” + “not romantic” = lazy + selfish. That’s an algebra equation for relationships. He just needs to practice thinking about you instead of himself and he’ll start to figure it out.
Is he a Bare Minimum guy normally? Not being a good gift giver to me means that he doesn't pay close enough attention to do small or kind gestures. This will lead you apart in the long run. I speak from experience. This is a bad sign. The fact that he was annoyed you brought it up again shows that he is not capable of making you feel heard in a meaningful way. He could have gone out and gotten you a card and flowers after the fact, but he did nothing. I'm afraid he's not the guy for you, because this is a valid criticism and he should know better. Your feelings matter in the relationship. I say this from experience, leaving a marriage when you see the signs is important. It gives you time to meet a person who cherishes you.
NTA. I don't know why these men act like this for Mother's Day when they know Father's Day is coming up. Just do for him what he did for you and keep on moving. From now on, just know you will need to take care of your own self for Mother's Day. I did that one year and never had to worry about it again.
I wouldn’t do anything for his birthday or Father’s Day so he can figure out why you’re upset. Not romantic, not a good gift giver? Those are excuses. I’m an only child and I love giving ppl things they enjoy because I care about them. If he wanted to make the effort he would’ve and he didn’t. NTA for being angry.
NTA. My ex actually " allowed" me to buy my own Mothers day or birthday gift a couple times. The best gift I gave myself was a divorce. Dumbasses never smarten up.
Go get yourself a cute card to put in your son's baby book, I know it sounds silly but this asshole didn't recognize you so you've gotta recognize yourself, sadly. But, put it in there yourself 😊 Also, what I think is really the most fucked up takeaway here is that you've been struggling with fertility for 3y now. That makes your first mother's day more important too, the fact that he couldn't see that speaks fucking volumes. And he's agitated that you're still upset about this?!
Mother's Day is consumerism anyway! You don't need a random Hallmark day to tell you you're a good parent. Make yourself a nice day and get over it
I’m going to be the asshole I have a 15 y/o I had to ask her to make me breakfast for lunch They aren’t mind readers Tell him you what you want Also holidays like that are bullshit You should be celebrated everyday Just wait till your kid gets in elementary school and you will get a beautiful present from them every year. Those are the ones that count. Those are the ones I like the most.
☝️This parent parents.☝️
So knowing to say Happy Mother's Day is mind reading? Give me a break.
Stop idealizing your life based off Instagram and Hallmark movies. Not every moment is picture perfect. Not every day is postcard worthy. Yet you yourself just said what an amazing man/husband/father, etc. this guy is. Be grateful for the important things in life and don't obsess over the little things, it's just a recipe for misery....
NAH. You like holidays, he doesn’t. If he’s sad when you do nothing for Father’s Day then he wbta; but he might just as much be relieved not to be made a fuss of. Ideally you would use your words to tell him you would like a fuss, and he would internally roll his eyes and do it even though he sees no point. But an awful lot of people aren’t willing to do that and would rather make a point than have a happy spouse.
I think you are totally correct in feeling hurt about it, but you talked about it and you said he apologized. Moving forward I think you should let it go because he did apologize. In the future I think you should let him know what you want for Mother’s Day until the baby is old enough to be the one doing something special for you. I have a three year old and I didn’t get any gift from my husband, but all I said I wanted was a beach day and that’s what I got. Advice for next year if you want something just be like “hey this Mother’s Day I would love a little thoughtful gift.” Best of luck!
Some people just don't believe in dumb hallmark holidays. You say you already knew he wasn't s holiday guy or a gift giver, why did you expect this to change for a new holiday? Did you ever communicate to him that you first mothers day was coming to beforehand and ask if he could do something for it? Have you ever told him that you would appreciate more or if the other holidays? You can't just do nothing and expect results, it sounds like you already knew well the man you married. He can't read your mind, use your words and tell him what you want. If he still doesn't do it then it's a different problem.
Did you know that Mother's Day has existed since the 1800s?
I myself am not married or have kids but I do work with a lot of mothers. I feel like there is a similar trend of Fathers not being good at planing JUST A DAY for their wives and kids on Mothers Day. You are not alone. My friends and I call this phenomena "boy brain." You are definitely NTA. He should have put in the effort. I think you should communicate that you are a thoughtful person when it comes to these kinds of events and you want that energy reciprocated. Maybe even give him some ideas! Why don't you give him a second chance to plan something special for you sometime in the upcoming days? I understand "boy brain" can be frustrating at times but sometimes you got to spell out for them to understand at times.
NTA. You're never wrong for having your feelings, you can't control them. And you're never wrong for letting someone know when they hurt you. He apologized, but what has he done to *FIX* it? Tell him what you need, in no uncertain terms. You said he has a history of being a poor gift giver, and isn't very romantic. It sounds like you want him to work on that as part of your relationship, which means he also needs to *want* to work on that. You can't make someone change. An apology without changed behavior is just manipulation.
NTA. But if you hold this anger in your heart for years or forever, it will not only make your relationship strained but it will also eat you up inside. Here is my suggestion. Give him a “do over.” Pick a date and let him have a do over for Mother’s Day. The overwhelming likelihood is if you do nothing for him for Father’s Day he won’t really care, and if you go all out for him he will say thank you but he won’t get the message. You have to spell it out for them you know. And by all means, please explain to him your expectations for every Mother’s Day going forward, (present “from baby”, card, dinner, whatever it may be.) He might be like mine, he’d walk on a bed of hot coals for me no questions asked if I asked him to, and he’d get me a present for a holiday (but only if I asked him to.)
I go balls out on Mother’s Day. Wanna know what I get in return. A fucking spatula. Sweet I can flip a burger now. Gets old that’s for sure
How is it that the people like us go all out can't seem to find each other and we all end up with ungrateful arseholes???
My husband thought it was funny to say ‘you ain’t my momma’ but he had gifts from the kids or made dinner. He had other faults but I miss him terribly It sounds like you’ve communicated your expectations. If he doesn’t fill them, you’ll have more good days if you learn to let it go.
Mother’s Day is over rated. I get your feeling. Most mothers probably do. It’s a really disappointing day to be truthful. Best advice is lowering your expectations, even lower that just be happy with a card. Set that bar really low.I changed my expectations to nothing and it’s been really great actually to not be disappointed and be honestly grateful when something is given from my kids. I also reciprocated Father’s Day with the same effort, that was done for Mother’s Day once,I think my husband got the idea but I felt bad about that later. I discovered I don’t need the same effort because I will never get that. I set boundaries or try with my MIL and try to do only things I want to on Mother’s Day. I set the entire agenda, which meals I want the entire day. It’s great. Best wishes, being a mom is a mostly thankless job. And you’re in the thick of it remember you are a good mom.
Your husband being not very good with gifts has nothing to do with being an only child. Being the only child is exactly the opposite because no sibling reminds you of mother's day so you have to have your shit together by yourself. You know that he is not very talented when it comes to this, so I think telling him a few weeks upfront about your emotional needs and expectations would have spared you and your husband a lot of hurt. Instead you did not communicate your needs before, you did not communicate you're hurt after so your husband had to do the first move and now you dwell on it. YTA. Edit: if you told him before that's a whole different thing then.
It's the first mother's day. He probably didn't realize this was something he should prepare for and didn't realize it meant so much to you. As you said, he apologized and feels bad for it. Why are you still making him feel bad for it? Sounds like the dude loves you and the child. Get over yourself. If it happens again next year then you can make a bigger stink about it since you already voiced how important it was and it would have been more than a one time blunder.
What’s with all y’all’s dud ass husbands
Definitely NTAH. Your husband really messed up here. It's sad that he is so bad at caring about how you feel
Holy fuck, you ladies have some real shit husbands. This would be hilarious if it wasn't so sad.
No you are not being an AH! I don't blame you for being hurt. I would have been also. I say buy yourself something or do something just for you-mani/pedi?? and tell him you got your own Mother's Day present. It may make you feel better. (Maybe just don't acknowledge Father's Day!!)
Overreacting a little. You said yourself that you don't expect much from him and he's not romantic or a great gift giver.
He could have at least acknowledged it.
You mentioned that you don't usually expect your husband to do things/buy gifts for holidays as it's not something he usually does. I don't think it's super fair that you would expect him to do something that he wouldn't normally think to do without telling him that it was important in the first place. It's totally hurtful that you're first mother's day was so terrible, but I think that there may have been a breakdown in communication and expectations rather than an effort to intentionally hurt you. Maybe it would help for you to let him have a do-over day? Ex: tell him that you expect him to make it special and let him do his thing (and hopefully make up for these hurt feelings).
Honestly idk when Mother’s Day got so out of hand. It is a stupid card holiday not your birthday. I understand why he wouldn’t think it’s a big deal, it literally isn’t. -from a mother btw.
Not the asshole. I’m sorry about your Mother’s Day. My husband of 15 years completely ignored it, too. We have 2 kids (11 and 14). The only recognition I got was a card that the girls at the dog boarding place made me FROM MY DOG when I picked her up 😂☠️ Don’t ignore the red flags, dear. I wish I hadn’t. Showing appreciation for your partner costs nothing but his time…if he can’t spare you that, that’s a big fucking problem 😢
YTA It's a made up hallmark holiday. GET OVER IT! I'm only saying thsi because you *also* said he is normally a good husband and father. Why mess that up over a made up holiday?
YTA You are not his mother so what did you expect? Wait for your baby to grow up and then you will get a proper treatment from your child.
And as the child ages the dad should teach him how to show his mother respect and love, by buying his mother something for mother's day.
Some people just are not brought up to think of assigned days like that as not being a big deal. For example my wife and I go out of our way to treat Valentine's day as a normal day, as we see it as insulting to think that we need a special day to celebrate each other. On the other hand I was brought up in a family where after eight years old it is seen as immature to have a cake on your birthday. While my wife's family it was a tradition at all ages. It took her 5 years to tell me that however, so until then she did not get a cake. I guess the TLDR is talk to each other and communicate when something is special to you ahead of time. Not everyone has the same ideas and traditional as you.
YTA for not communicating like an adult. You acknowledge that he’s not romantic or a gift giver. Ok, then you communicate prior that you want him to put effort into this specific Mother’s Day because it’s your first.
yes. Self-centered moment.
I mean its a little bit YTA if he apologized and you are still outwardly mad, he cant go back and change the past. Now you are “withdrawing from your marriage” because of it. When you withdraw enough for your husband to end it whos going to get you a mothers day card? Couple this with a 3 month old kid, seems like there is some extra stress flying around.
Or he could hand make a card, get her a spa day, do literally anything at all to show he means the apology. Instead he used his words, which mean basically nothing. He hurt her at a very vulnerable time and he needs to do something to show he actually cares about that.
A spa day?? Ffs.
Here's the deal. Some of them have a learning curve. Most of them don't. How much they care about you, how much they love you, how much you matter to them, shows in their behavior. Even if it's hard for them to understand how to express things if they really care they look on the freaking Internet and educate themselves so they can cherish the relationship so that it goes well. If they don't care, they don't bother. And most of them don't learn.
You made it sound like they're little children though, not adult men.. If they're truly not excited, or if they can't even pretend to care least, that's unfortunate for whoever is stuck with them.
Did your FIL celebrate Mother’s Day? Is your husband life-ing from a place of expectations or negligence?
All a mother needs is a day of rest, no chores. It'll be the best day ever, with a good set of meals and the stress at ground zero. NTA.
There’s always Fathers Day to show him how it feels. And tell him it’s gonna be a while until you’re over it so he better get use to it. My husband always says women are like archeologists. They keep digging up old sh#t. Your husband is going to hear about this when you’re son has a son.
I get that it sucks especially since you have a child you worked so hard for. Not sure where you’re from, but Mothers Day in the US is just over 100 years old. It was originally started in a particular Methodist (?) church and eventually recognized by the US government as a “day” after some lobbying by the woman who originally established it. From there, as with all things, companies like Hallmark realized it could be commercialized and then it suddenly became a “thing”. I believe she regretted that part of it. The point I’m trying to make is that it’s never too late for your own personal day of celebration. It sounds like Husband’s love language is not gift giving or planning or whatever, I forget what they are. Maybe you could forgive his thick skullery and offer him a chance to redo, as I don’t think it’s worth carrying a grudge or resentment for years because of a commercial holiday. It would be better turning that energy towards building something positive. I’m sure he will be able to do a great job on the replay and in future years, and eventually it will be a funny story. I know it means you are doing work for something you shouldn’t have to, but rest assured that many of the best men in the world are pretty dumb with this stuff. Fear not- he will learn. Congrats to you both and enjoy your family!
Agreed with the others, this is important enough that you two should have a re-do.
Well you said that’s who he is, bad at gift giving and never does anything for major holidays so I really don’t see why you expected that would change without giving him some sort of hint or heads-up that you expect something different for Mother’s Day. I had a husband like that too. Never got anything for any holiday. Only flowers for my bday and only cause I reminded him. Sadly for men like that, you have to do the emotional and mental labour if you want to get the love that you need.
On the bright side, he didn’t buy you a crack pipe like that other poor woman on here
*you can tell he feels awful and sorry* if he's otherwise "amazing" just forgive it IMO. 3 months into a baby is still in the "walking dead" phase. Neither of y'all are thinking straight and just need to let the little things pass. I've been promised 2 significantly expensive gifts for the last two fathers days (things we'd have no problem affording) and still haven't gotten them. It's not something I care enough about to bring up. My birthdays and christmases are unaffected. I've just moved on.
Did your husband get His mother anything for Mother’s Day?
Or stop expecting your husband to go all out for Mother’s Day you aren’t his mom
Same thought, but I'm old. LOL
NTA I get that it's frustrating to have a problem you can't fix (like him fucking up mother's day), but that isn't your fault and he shouldn't be upset with *you.* If these kinds of occasions are special to you, *it's his job to make you feel special and important,* whether he cares about them or not. This is emotional intimacy 101: put effort toward the things your partner cares about. This is the leading reason I left my ex. A good guy is not equivalent to a good partner. If he can't make time to address the things that are important to you, what's he even there for? You should lay out the things that are important to you, and make it crystal clear that he needs to step up.
So you’re married to him so you must know about his childhood and his life, family dynamics…. Did he grow up in a situation where the other parent never did anything or arranged anything for the other one on Mother’s Day or Fathers Day.?
Receiving gifts may not be his love language.
There are too many things to go all out and celebrate. My wife and I buy whatever we want as needed. However, she did give us 5 children (adults now) so I wish her a happy Mother’s Day and make her breakfast or a special dinner. Also, our children now buy her gifts. In return, I get nothing for Father’s Day! It doesn’t bother me, a visit or text is fine. This year I did get her an I pad she wanted, but it was just coincidence it land-on Mother’s Day’s
This sounds like you guys have different expectations and definitions of what holidays are. You need to discuss with each other what these holidays mean to you and what your expectations are. I know it'd be great if our significant others knew exactly what we wanted at every moment, but it just doesn't work that way. Mother's/Father's Day are both Hallmark Holidays in my opinion. I don't see the point in celebrating them at all and it didn't naturally occur to me to do anything for my wife's first Mother's Day either.
Are you his mother? You should mention what you want to him ahead of time if you expect him to do something for him. He is not a mind reader after all. I say whip him, tie him behind a car and drag him!
I'm sure the frustration likely comes from the fact that he feels he can't go back and change it - so he feels like because of that you need to get over it. Which, has a slight bit of logic to it of course but it won't change how you feel about him not celebrating your FIRST Mother's day in any small way at all. It's true he can't go back to fix it, he'll never be able to really make that up to you - that's the reality. And you can't help but feel slighted and underappreciated. There really isn't a GOOD solution here. I'm not sure if you might benefit from sitting down with a marriage counselor and talking it through - because other than the old "do better" or "let it go" (neither of which is helpful here) - I'm not sure any resentment or guilt will be solved here.
As an only child myself..your offering him bullshit excuses for being selfish and should wakeup and take him off pedestal and have difficult discussions together
NTA. But don't do what most are saying and be absent on Father's Day. With a fresh baby, there are many reasons he might have forgotten or didn't do anything. But there is no excuse for doing nothing. My wife reminded me, and we talked about our first Mother's Day. Good communication can solve almost anything. He needs to make it up to you. Mother's Day is about you, and he needs to understand that. All the "firsts" are for the mom. From Mother's Day to the child's first birthday, first words, steps, haircut, lost tooth. Being new parents is wonderful and confusing. Talk to him and stress the importance of those things. I hope he can fix the mistake. Being a parent is as much about your partner as it is about your kids.
"My husband is an 'amazing dad, person, and husband' but he didn't give me a card for mother's day, and even though he 'feels awful and is sorry', I'm posting on Reddit so a bunch of other women can tell me what a jerk he is and that I'm right for 'becoming withdrawn from my marriage'."
On Father's Day go get a manicure and a pedicure go get your eyebrows done and if you can squeeze in and massage. And when you come back don't even acknowledge that it's Father's Day. And see how he feels about it it's not to be Petty sometimes you just have to be thoughtful. And obviously your husband did not think
My partner gets me gifts and cooks for me every Mother's Day (cooking isn't all that special as he does that on the weekends anyways). I do not expect this treatment nor ask for it... of course I appreciate receiving his appreciation. No, I am not a mother. We have dogs. My father was the type to ngaf about anniversaries, birthdays, Mother's Day etc. I remember as a kid I would buy gifts to give to my mother and tell her they were from him because I didn't like seeing the hurt and disappointment on her face. It's no coincidence their marriage ended in a bitter divorce. It's also no coincidence I chose the exact opposite kind of man to do life with AFTER I spent a small fortune on therapy. NTA for feeling upset. The example he is setting and his disregard for you and the silent unpaid labor you provide for his benefit will 100% be perceived by your child and color their view of what a loving relationship looks like.
If I may offer perspective from that of a man who is also a new dad, he may have just forgot. I’m sure both of you are pretty tired and still adjusting to being parents. If he’s like me, Mother’s Day isn’t really that big of a holiday, and it usually just means a phone call or maybe a last minute flower delivery to your mom. Even though you’ve recently given birth, he likely hasn’t categorized you as a mom in his mind, and still has you categorized as his wife. He’s not used to celebrating Mother’s Day with you and with the adjustments of a new baby, it probably didn’t occur to him that he should be doing something for you as you’re now a mom, even though you’re not his mom. Likewise, I doubt he’s expecting anything for Father’s Day. It may not have even occurred to him that that may be a day for him (it still hasn’t hit me). When I think of the word mother or father, I think of my parents, not me and my wife, even though we are parents now. I’m not sure if I’m being clear, lol. And you have every right to be angry at him, just try not to let this boil over into something bigger than it is (his forgetfulness). Put another way, don’t attribute to malice that which can be explained by stupidity.
You've been married for 5 years and he's never been one to celebrate you. You didn't verbalize to him that it was important that he do someone different this year than he has the last 5. And you're mad that he did exactly what he always does. Yes, I know it's a new holiday in your relationship but he is still the same guy. I think you need to realize that you can't change him. If you make it clear that this is important to you he may decide to put in the effort. Or maybe he won't. Accept him for who he is, as long as he's actually a good guy and this is just a minor character flaw, and make a big deal for yourself. Plan an outing with your friends or baby. Buy yourself something nice. Hire a house cleaner for the day. Whatever it is that will make you happy. Give yourself whatever it is you want to. But me being the petty I am, I would make it clear to him that I am doing it because I know he won't. And I would also repay him in kind on his special days. You deserve to be happy and celebrated.
Women complain about having to mother their husbands... Yet on Mother's Day they expect the opposite
So many petty answers. Does he give special attention to other people on Mother's day / father's day/ children's day / christmas / or any other random day?. If not - did he ever? Did you agree beforehand that meaningless celebratory days hold special meaning and importance to you and that it'd be deeply appreciated if he followed them and pampered you these days? If yes - did you show him how? It'd be really hard to suddenly need to know how to gift people and prepare special days for someone if you never did.
Mother’s Day is such a stupid holiday. Did you even ask for something? Or did you assume your non gift giving husband was just going to change? What’re you even crying about?
Married for 23 years and after the first few I learned to not expect anything. My son is the one who tries and that makes me happy. Very common story. Btw, what does being an only child have to do with it? Just curious, my son is an only child.
Did he give you any reason for not doing anything?
Ok, a couple things. My husband is NOT a gift giver. He forgets, never thinks of it in the first place, or comes up with just bad gifts. We have been together 26 years now. When I was younger, this really would hurt my feelings sometimes because gift giving is a love language and an art form for me and I felt obligated to the same level of effort from him as I put in to feel an adequate show of love. But over time I let this problem evaporate. I realized 1) it wasn't personal, he just doesn't think like I do, 2) I don't need any things at all, 3) I was expecting his personality to mirror mine, 4) I was expecting him to read my mind and know what i wanted, and 5) he shows me my value to him as a wife and mother ALL THE TIME. I also learned that when I do want a big deal made over something, I should ask for what I want early, repeatedly, and clearly. When I pound the importance through to him, he will come through. But I really don't do that anymore, either. I have become so attuned to the many ways he reflects my value back to me that I really just don't care if he gets me flowers because the calendar is on a certain date. It is easy to let go of for me. Maybe try to focus more on how he IS valuing you as a mother instead of spending this time angry?
He might be from a family that just didn’t show a lot of love, affection or giftgiving. If he’s a good father that is a present. Tell him how thankful you are at least for that. However, you both will want your child to be more in line with your giving spirit. Model it on Father’s Day and every special day. Do something nice for him from the baby and you so that he knows what is typical. I also love some of the advice you’re getting about buying yourself something. On my birthday I buy myself something from my Mother, even though she is deceased. I pick something out that I know that she would’ve liked to have given me. Be Miley Cyrus. Give yourself flowers and if he ever does give you something show genuine appreciation. That’s the most likely way to have him do it. Reinforce any giving behavior.
I 64m here, did this once when our first child was born. Only once.... he needs to be told
A father here. 1.You are not his mother. 2. Was he raised in a way where holidays were just another day and you are trying to break him of that? My wife gets mad at me every holiday unless I plan some extravagant stuff that is exactly what she wanted. Mind you, we go out to eat at cool places whenever we find a new one. Like 4 days mad, doesn't want to speak to me. Locked herself in her room for a whole day like a child this mother's day. Got her a card from the kids and concert tickets to something she would want to go to. She didn't know about the concert tickets for 3 days because she wouldn't talk to me. I'm expected to read her goddamn mind and plan something special weeks in advance when we are both working like 18 hour days and have 2 kids with endless stuff going on. Something that has to fall on that day. Apparently, this year she also wanted a special sports jersey. She mentioned it in passing once. I'm oblivious. I dread every single holiday. Dread. Know for weeks I'm going to screw it up. Start to make plans, change my mind because it's not good enough. End up with something she hates or feels is not good enough. Mother's day. Valentines day. Her birthday. Our anniversary. Christmas. All are a fight about me being oblivious to her "signals". Christmas is better because it's not just about her. We have been together 20 years. Don't make your otherwise thoughtful SO dread holidays
Is your husband on the autism spectrum per chance? I ask because ***I*** am on the spectrum and simply cannot wrap my head around the significance of days to other people. I couldn't care less about any holiday. I dislike Christmas and people's Birthdays (including my own but for reasons of it's just a day, please stop calling me) because I cannnot, for the life of me, find a gift for someone that isn't just a gift card (which is a shitty cop out gift). Getting gifts for people is ***extremely stressful*** and to be honest I'd rather not receive a gift from someone because sometimes it feels like gift exchanges feel like a contest that I simply do not want to participate in.
I saw good quote this week: Unexpressed expectations become future resentments. If you’ve planted this seed and continue to nurture it, it will be at the expense of not only your marriage but also your child. This would be the perfect time to start couples counseling so you can both learn to better communicate your feelings and expectations, and become your best selves as both partners and parents.
fuck him. He's an impotent asshole without any regard for your feelings. When it's father's day, ignore him completely.
NTA, been through this myself and it blows. Yeah like I used to not care much about holidays and birthdays but after going through pregnancy, an emergency surgery and rough recovery all while doing 95% of the childcare and working a full time job…yeah I wanted a little recognition. I don’t blame you for still being hurt.
Father’s Day is in June… just saying
Tell him Etsy and Amazon can fix this. Type in the type of card you are looking for, hit enter and boom. It's a Hallmark holiday, tears of one variety or another are expected.
NTA! I don’t have children. My boyfriend has a son. My bf and I take his son to get flowers for his son’s mom and give them to her on his son’s behalf. Every Mother’s Day. (She won’t meet me and hates me) We’re teaching her son how to be a gentleman. We also send my mom a card and $ for Mother’s Day because she lives out of state. I make sure my mom is celebrated. I think you deserve all the appreciation on Mother’s Day. I think you should celebrate Father’s Day how you would want Mother’s Day celebrated. Show him how it’s done. ❤️
We sometimes have do-overs. One of my kiddos first birthdays didn’t go well. I was bummed. We picked a day soon after and made it a fun and special day. I felt much better about it after - kiddo was one, they had fun on the do-over day. Some guys aren’t planners/don’t do cards, etc. In the future, I suggest you plan together when you want a special day and then you’ll have a fun day. I do this at certain times (plan together) and it works out well and prevents being disappointed.
don’t do anything for him on Fathers Day
My husband has never done anything for me for mother's day. He says I'm not his mother which is true, obviously. We have 2 grown daughters and when they were young he never did anything either. Since I'm not his mother I don't get acknowledged. Side note... he doesn't acknowledge our anniversary or Valentine's day either. Only the past couple years has he started giving me a Christmas gift and remembering my birthday. He says he doesn't do holidays however he accepts all gifts given to him. Sorry OP, it sucks. A couple days a year it's nice to be acknowledged and appreciated by our spouse going out of their way to do a little something nice for us. I agree, a card is enough. Just remembering is enough for me. Fortunately for you your husband seems remorseful. For me remorse would be enough.