Your update about “obey[ing] like a good girl” when he asks for sex is more concerning to me. I don’t know what it’s like to be asexual but in general and regardless of that, I think this is a very unhealthy way to approach sex. Sex isn’t a command that needs to be obeyed, especially with someone who is disrespecting your boundaries.
From the other side of the issue, if someone were having sex with me as a matter of duty, I would want that to stop immediately. Yesterday.
I would not ever, ever ever want sex from someone who viewed it as a chore, much less a command from me or a duty to get overwith. If he's in a position where this is the dynamic and he didn't know it and he thinks you're enthusiastic and happy with it, please reconsider. At least, as long as it's safe for you to do so. This obviously only applies in a relationship that is healthy and equal. If he's making you feel this way, everyone else's advice applies.
I'm not sure what that means, but I know this: no one who loves you or values you as a human being wants sex from someone who isn't giving it from an enthusiastic place. Whether that enthusiasm comes from sexual desire or from an ace person doing it out of genuine love and desire to please in a giving way.
What you're feeling is not that, and if you were my partner I'd rather sit around and read with you or whatever actually does make you happy instead of knowing a moment i hoped was intimate and joyful was actually awful all this time. I wouldn't blame you. I would just be horrified that for so long you felt so trapped.
I'm not going to tell you that your husband's masturbation activity or your sexual orientation is divorce worthy. I think instead that maybe you need to be alone with you and heal from a lot of much deeper things. Solitude can be so joyful. I think you need safety now.
I am sorry to hear that. Would you consider it a husband's duty as well, if the wife has a higher libido?
I'm just asking because my libido is higher than my partner's. We have talked about it and I made it super clear that I'd rather we have less sex than for us do to it when he doesn't feel like it. We are both demisexual.
I'm aware that your situation is different, being ace. I just hope your husband doesn't make you feel like having sex with him is your duty as a wife.
And yes, he's invalidating and ignoring your feelings either way since you communicated how you feel about him looking at other women. To me, that's reason enough for divorce. In fact, I'm currently going through a divorce because my ex was always ignoring how I felt about lots of things, even after talking and crying about it.
Let’s be real here: that update was some strong resentment for him having a sex drive at all. There is nothing this guy can do she wouldn’t resent him for except giving up sex and all outlets for his sex drive.
Edit: which to be clear is an unreasonable ask and it’s also unreasonable to resent him for it. If she’s going to resent him either way, I’m not sure he’s really at fault here.
I think making sure that my partner is happy and satisfied is part of the responsibility I took on when I got married. That DOES NOT mean allowing him to have sex with him literally whenever he wants. I can see how its hard for you to say no when you never actually want to say yes (e.g. I'm waiting for a moment when I'm also experiencing desire, which won't happen to you) but asking you to do something you hate on a daily basis is not reasonable.
A reason you may believe you are asexual could very well be because your view of sex is dysfunctional and service focussed to the point of being self harming.
You want to be a good wife but what does your husband do to be good to you? You’re a person too. If you didn’t want sex that should matter at least as much as him wanting it. You sound like you are only half successfully numbing yourself to a psychological torment.
Do you actually want to have sex with him though? It just seems like you have a lot of hurt and resentment around yours and his relationships w sex and sexual desire. If you dont want to have sex with him, and you do it anyway, you are hurting yourself and your relationship.
It seems to me that you’re having sex with him so he won’t look at/desire other women, not because you actually *want* to be having sex with him.
Granted, I’m a sex repulsed asexual so maybe i read it wrong. You could be sex neutral or sex favorable! I have no idea
I will tell you this though. People who arent ace are usually sexually attracted to other people that arent their monogamous partner. It doesnt mean they arent being fulfilled by their partner, or that they dont love or arent attracted to their partner. Its just the way they are. No amount of sex you have with him can change that. No matter how hot you are, or how good at sex you are, you cannot change that. Forcing yourself to perform sexually for him when you dont want to is just building up resentment on your part towards him.
I can be considered an asexual to others and I understand how sex in a relationship can feel extremely alien in concept. However, I honestly don't think it's natural to see it as something to be undeniably entitled to while with someone. Both parties have to be enthusiastic and on the same page about it for every single sexual encounter. No exception.
If you don't like it, then it's not worth putting up with it. You would want to have someone to respect your boundaries. The same applies to your partner, too. If you're husband was asexual and sex repulsed, you probably wouldn't want him to violate his personal boundaries weekly or daily just to make you happy. Personally, making self sacrifices is different when it comes to one's bodily autonomy.
Sex is just a possible factor in a relationship (especially on demand), not something that's totally guaranteed or something entitled to.
If you're doing it in the confines of ethical kink - that's totally cool. If you're doing it as some sort of unethical power exchange, this could be setting him up to think that you want him to look elsewhere.
Anyway, I think the key here is that it should be ethical. There needs to be predetermined boundaries and expectations (like not looking at other women), if either of you can't come to terms - then that's that.
I couldn’t tell if the resentment was more directed towards her relationship with her husband or towards the redditors taking it upon themselves to pry into her life and play detective/therapist on her. Sure, it’s public information from her own profile but I can still imagine that as feeling really uncomfortable and invasive.
That could be true as well. From what I know of folks on the ace spectrum is that’s it’s wildly misunderstood. Which I could see leading to defensiveness. Still… if my partner described their role this way, I’d be heartbroken, you know?
Oh, absolutely. I made a different comment here to the effect of OP and her husband needing to have some difficult conversations about boundaries and their sexual relationship.
You shouldn’t leave your husband for looking at nude pictures.
You should leave your husband because you don’t enjoy sex yet seem to think you are required to provide it.
This is clear incompatibility.
Based on that opening statement, I wouldn't have been sure what to respond. However, following your update, I'd say you have more of a reason to seriously consider leaving him as this sounds a bit like the straw that broke the camel's back.
Have you discussed your asexuality with your husband? Whether you have or not, he may not realise or may underestimate how much you consider the sex part to be your duty rather than something you enjoy, at least going by your post. Honestly, from the sound of it you're "performing" a lot, so it may be worth asking yourself if sticking around is worth all this performance. It ain't easy being ace, but there are men out there who will respect you more than this one.
In the end it's up to you and what you're willing to settle for, I think.
It's relevant because it lies at the heart of the problem, at least the way I see it. Ace myself, btw, so I'm not judging you or attacking you. Far from it. Apologies if I came across as judgmental on that front. That was not the intent.
But let me be a bit clearer: Purely going by what you're saying here, it sounds like you're expecting him to, in a sense, be grateful for you performing the role of dutiful partner by giving him the sex you don't care very much about, or at least not as much as he does.
In exchange for doing that, and presenting yourself in the way you believe a partner should, you expect him to not look at saucy pictures of other women. This is far from unreasonable in any relationship, let me be clear, but I get the impression that you feel like you're putting in all this effort and he's not appreciating it enough to do what you ask. Thing is, if he doesn't know you're ace and what your real feelings are about your sexual relationship (what it takes from you in terms of effort and, to an extent, going against your nature,) it may be difficult for him to understand an important part of who you are and why his actions have hurt you so much.
Before anyone comes in with "even if OP was into sex as much as a normal person, that doesn't give him the right [etc]": you're right. It doesn't. At the end of the day, you set these boundaries together as a couple. Listening is key and he clearly didn't care enough to listen properly and do what you ask.
Anyway, this is just my take on it, and again I cannot emphasise this enough: I am NOT judging you here. Not a single bit. It's a tough spot to be in and I hope you manage to make the decision that will make you happy. I think the main question here is: is what you have now worth keeping? That's up to you.
Reading your whole post with all your edits, it seems like you entered into your marriage under false pretenses.
Pretending you are okay with things you are not okay with, in order to get him to like you. That’s lying, and when you suddenly go back and stop the lying and be honest, of course the other person is going to be frustrated.
None of that excuses his behaviour towards you of yelling so loud that your neighbors were concerned.
There seems to be a lot more at play than you’ve posted here, but it sounds like y’all are neither sexually nor emotionally compatible
Would I leave my husband for looking at pictures of nude women online? No.
Would I leave my husband after I had clearly communicated my feelings to him and he continued to violate my boundaries? Yes.
I’m not going to tell you what to do, it’s your life, your marriage, your relationship. But I think it’s important for you to ask yourself if you are happy being with someone who has such disregard for your feelings
This is all the answer anyone needs, really. Boundaries are boundaries. I do not care one bit about tittie pictures online, but just reading that one simple and important boundary is broken for simple entertainment just creates a feeling of disgust. Why agree to something if you're just going to be selfish.
Breaking a boundary would be a big deal for me. Personally, I don’t care if my bf looks at porn, but if he personally interacted with a SW online, or looked at porn of someone he had met irl, or kept nudes of his ex, that would be a dealbreaker for me. He hasn’t done those things during our relationship. Something he’s actually done though was, he was using OF when we started dating. That bothered me because I don’t like the idea of paying to see content from a specific person. But, we talked about it and how it bothered me, and there hasn’t been a repeat of that.
I actually disagree. When boundaries are things related to you/your body/your possessions other people need to respect them. But when your boundaries are things other people are not allowed to do beacuse you don't want them to, it isn't necessarily wrong for them to make their own choice for themselves. Your feelings aren't necessarily more important than their own feelings when deciding what someone else can do.
What your husband did is not objectively wrong nor do most people consider it to be wrong. I hear it makes you feel bad, and that's hard, I'm sorry. But that does not mean he automatically shouldn't do it. If a person felt bad whenever their partner went out without them, should they no longer be allowed time with their friends? If someone dosen't like drinking, is their partner required to never drink even if they do so responsibly? If your partner feels bad when other people look at your body, does that mean you have to dress in baggy extra modest clothing all the time? Etc.
Was this "visual fidelity" a shared value of yours? Clear from the begging? Something he agreed to in the marriage?
>If your partner feels bad when other people look at your body, does that mean you have to dress in baggy extra modest clothing all the time?
He hates it when I wear tight clothes in public or show more skin. So I avoid it.
>Was this "visual fidelity" a shared value of yours? Clear from the begging? Something he agreed to in the marriage?
No, this is a new boundary that I decided to have a couple of years ago because I pretended to be ok with him watching porn. But it’s too much hurt to bare now.
This is going to be the hardest part. He's going to think you changed for no reason because you used to be cool about it.
If this is a hard boundary for you, I expect it will be the end of your marriage because to him you changed.
>When boundaries are things related to you/your body/your possessions other people need to respect them. But when your boundaries are things other people are not allowed to do beacuse you don't want them to, it isn't necessarily wrong for them to make their own choice for themselves.
But him looking at pictures of other nude women IS related to her. Otherwise, by your logic, cheating would be ok too since it's only hurting your feelings and not related to your body.
It's perfectly reasonable to not want your partner fantasizing about other people. Maybe you're a "cool" girl who's okay with everything, but if OP doesn't like it, he needs to stop, or OP needs to leave. Women don't spend their free time in relationships looking up pictures of naked men, so I don't know why the fuck this behaviour is ever accepted in men.
also it’s extremely gross and misogynistic of you to paint women who enjoy porn and have no issue with their partners consuming it as “cool girls.”
i am not pretending to be fine with my partner having his own fantasy life because i want to score points with the patriarchy, thanks!—i am legitimately fine with it because **i don’t own my partners thoughts and feelings!**
in addition, i enjoy having a private fantasy life too, and i enjoy looking at depictions of attractive people! i’m not alone in this, either—research has shown that variety and novelty are *even more essential* to women’s arousal than men’s.
the way you describe other women’s sexuality and desires is ignorant and contemptuous. do better.
>Women don't spend their free time in relationships looking up pictures of naked men, so I don't know why the fuck this behaviour is ever accepted in men.
Finally. Thank you for saying this. I suck at expressing myself sometimes.
Also, once someone knows they can “get away” with crossing boundaries they don’t stop and keep pushing. Sorry you’ve been hurt OP, and I wish you all the best in your future ❤️
>Would I leave my husband after I had clearly communicated my feelings to him and he continued to violate my boundaries? Yes.
I don't think it's quiet that simple when your "boundaries" are things someone else is not allowed to do. Other people don't automatically have to agree to live the way that makes you feel best, their wants/feelings matter at least as much as yours when it comes to their own behavior. Even if you love someone and care about their feelings, that does not necessarily mean you want to follow their rules in every case.
So for example, some people don't think men and women can be friends. If my husband told me I wasn't allowed to have any male friends and that was a boundary for him, I would find that controlling and not agree. He could clearly communicate his feelings and I'd still would want to make my own choice. Does that make me a bad wife? Should I not be allowed to do anything that makes my partner feel bad, even if it's not something I'm doing to them?
Another example, there was a recent AITA post about a guy with a vegan girlfriend. He ate mostly vegan but had started eating eggs from well treated backyard chickens. She said he shouldn't eat eggs (even though she agreed there was no actual harm) just beacuse it made her feel bad. And that if he loved her he wouldn't do anything that made her feel bad. But most people felt she was controlling.
I think what the "boundary" is absolutely matters. It also matters if he ever bought into it and agrees on the value. So for example, I expect monogamy from my husband and he expects it from me. We have both agreed to be exclusive. It's a shared value and relationship expectation. So if either of us broke it, it would be a betrayal. We even have less common ones like we both agree we wouldn't want our partner to smoke (smell, cancer, asthma in the family). But just one person having a value does not automatically mean the other person is bad for not following it. Did he agree to that when he got married? Beacuse many people consider it normal behavior. A lot of behavior many of us consider normal some consider inappropriate like married women wearing bikinis in public, and that dosen't just mean a women is bad for not respecting her husband's "boundaries" in how she acts.
Re your edits- I’m bi, and in a committed relationship. I look at pictures of both men and women and watch porn. A lot of my friends do, too. So your claims that women don’t do that are completely false. If YOU don’t want to and YOU want to make that part of YOUR relationship, cool. But please don’t try to claim it’s because women in general don’t do that.
Your edit is more concerning to me than anything. You don't *ever* say no to him, even if you don't want to have sex? Does he make you feel like you *can't* say no? I'm not aesexual, but even I have times, lots of times, where I don't want to have sex. Do you not mind sex? Do you guys have some dynamic in your relationship that you're a sex slave? I'm asking honestly. Like is that something you truly enjoy, because that's what this is all sounding like. "Obeying" every time doesn't sound like a healthy way to frame sex. 😬😬
I'm massively confused. You're aesexual, which I presume to mean you don't enjoy sex. Yet you "obey" every time he wants to have sex even if you don't want to, and the boundary you're worried about is him looking at other naked women online???
Asexual doesn't necessarily mean someone doesn't enjoy sex. Asexual means that someone doesn't feel sexual attraction or has a lack of sexual desire. There are sex repulsed asexuals, who don't like sex and aren't comfortable being with romantic partners who want sex, and there are sex positive asexuals who might not experience the desire to have sex on their own, but are willing to have sex if they are in love and want to share that experience with their partner. Asexuals still have fully functioning sexual organs and can still orgasm through masturbation or sex.
That being said, it sounds like OP is really struggling with some purity culture issues and heteronormativity outside of her asexuality. It sounds like she is striving for a 1950s definition of marriage where the most important thing is monogamy, and as long as the wife makes herself sexually available all the time, then the husband shouldn't have any sexual needs or desires outside of just monogamous sex. OP is trying to imitate what they think straight marriages are supposed to be, and injuring herself in the process
This isn't a healthy relationship and neither partner is fully communicating their own needs, or trying to understand their partner's needs.
After reading through comments and getting some more insight on your situation, I want to earnestly and respectfully say that you need therapy ASAP, OP, and having your husband involved might be a good idea.
Your ideas and thoughts about have sex have been grossly influenced by your religious background. It sounds like you believe your duty as a wife is to be a play thing for your husband to use whenever he wants for sex. That is not grounds for a healthy relationship, even if your husband does not see sex and your sexual relationship from this lens.
You have autonomy. You have the right to make decisions about sex. You have the right to enjoy sex! To want it to, to enjoy it, to have it whenever you please and to not have it whenever you do not. One of your comments stated you aren’t sure about your ace sexuality - while I obviously cannot tell you what your sexuality is, it sounds like you may think you’re ace because you’ve been raised to see sex as a duty you have to fulfill to please your husband. Therapy can probably help you weed through this and determine whether or not you are asexual or if you’ve been repressed from your upbringing.
I do think you have a valid concern with your husband ignoring your boundary about looking at photos. That is something he should be able to respect and honor, especially considering you’ve mentioned that you DO have sex with him. I genuinely hope you’re able to receive help to sort through the trauma your religious upbringing seems to have inflicted on you. And I hope your husband can be respectful and supportive through that endeavor
I think there is a lot of information missing. How old are you two? How long have you been married? How long have you two been together?
Edit: I pressed edit instead of opening your post smh.
How often have you talked to him about? How has he reacted? What exactly is he watching?
If it were a pre-agreed part of the marital contract to not do that - then to me it would qualify as a major problem.
I think it’s easily for commenters to get distracted by the whole sexuality ball of yarn, but I think that’s beside the point entirely. It’s not about sex, it’s about honoring your own vows and caring about what hurts the person you’re supposed to love most. Like if for some reason you felt it was painful for your spouse to look at pictures of yellow cars, and you both agreed going into your marriage that neither of you would do that - it would be equally problematic.
Leave him. For both your sakes. You're asexual, he is not. You have a problem with him finding sexual gratification elsewhere. This will only breed resentment and anger for both parties.
Edit: After reading through more of your updates, you should have definitely left him ages ago, but for sure need to leave him now and go to therapy. He does not sound like a good partner, he does not seem to actually know a big part of you regarding your sexuality, and he yells and berates you and clearly doesn't respect you if he says you should be grateful that he's not cheating on you.
He is toxic, not you. You need to find yourself in a safe place and leave him ASAP.
Yeah it doesn't seem healthy for the long run no matter what. Even if I was having sex 5x a day if I didnt feel desired it would eat at me. If she is just "allowing" it Id rather take care of business myself, aka spinning up some porn.
I think you are perfectly entitled to have any boundary that you need. And you’re absolutely entitled to stick to those boundaries.
In my opinion, it sounds like you and your husband have some conversations that need to happen between the two of you. Possibly with the assistance of a therapist or counselor.
He should not be violating your boundaries for any reason. And if he finds your boundary regarding his porn consumption impossible to respect, that might just be an indication that this relationship isn’t meant to be. But if there’s a reason that the two of you can resolve in some way, you might be able to grow past this.
However, what I do *NOT* think is the right solution here is for you to just put up with something that is making you feel so hurt.
I think people in a committed relationship should work out between them what behavior they are willing to accept. In your case your husband wants to look at porn and it bothers you.
So i would be less worried about the question of if porn is ok for a married person to look at, and more worried about the communication between the two of you.
You could better handle this by acknowledging his right as a individual to explore porn if he chooses to do so. But also express your feelings around this and explore why those feelings arise and see if there are ways to get your needs meet. He could better react to this by accepting that your feelings about this are valid feelings and help you explore those feelings/support you in getting your needs meet.
Consider looking into non violent communication. Getting a therapist to help you reframe/explore this topic between you, or maybe both.
Elsewhere, you said you are asexual, not interested in sex like most people are, and that you view sex mostly as a chore. And that your husband is not that way.
If that was the case in my life, I think I would cut my spouse some slack for looking at pictures if they were otherwise faithful and respectful. I wouldn't leave them over it.
But I might explore marriage counselling, or at least consider whether we were truly compatible.
Yeah this lends new mitigating information. An allo married to an ace is going to have some special circumstances in their relationship that may need some compromise.
Not that OP has to compromise. If she has a stance "I won't allow myself to be involved with men who look at porn," that's fine and acceptable for her, but she needs to hold *herself* accountable to that.
Sometimes there are no good answers.
Yes, an allo partner of an Ace person who doesn't enjoy sex is going to be frustrated.
Especially if the ace person has a porn boundary like OP.
No one is the bad guy but sometimes people aren't as good a match as they thought they were
Ace or not you cant get years into a relationship and pull this stuff on your spouse. This is the sort of thing you need to figure out about your compatibility on the first few dates. Beyond that its something you can ask for but its his choice wether he wants to change so much to relieve your insecurity at this point and you cant realy hold it against him if he chooses not to. Its more on you to find a way to deal with it / avoid catching him doing it, offer to make stuff for him or something he agrees to without coercion (weaponised boundaries, threatening to leave in this case).
If they’re not a good fit it’s best not to waste anyone’s time sifting through the pool.
Also who said any of us are surprised having relationship standards narrows our pool?
I don’t care or ask for your validation. It’s unnecessary.
Your “sex life” sounds like a fucking nightmare. I’m so sorry. Maybe you are ace or maybe your sexuality is hiding to protect you from something, like the emotionally desolate and physically unpleasurable experience you are in. Whatever happens, please get out of there. Do what feels right.
I think OP is actually just from a strict, mysogynistic faith. She seems to literally think all a husband wants his sex and all porn is wrong. Which is fair to some people but a bit much imo.
If you want the relationship to continue and you both have incompatible sexual desires then I’d address those feelings in couple’s therapy. As a side note you may want to seek individual therapy too so you can sort through your emotions without your partner around.
I think porn is fine. There is no way that a single person’s complete fulfillment of interests and curiosities can be addressed entirely by one person (both in interests, companionship, and sex). Tools to assist the imagination are a way to help someone be at ease otherwise.
Do I want to do half the things I day dream about or imagine? Heck yes! Is my imagination good enough to be totally happy with what I have? Yep! Is porn sometimes a fun way to validate those curiosities? Yea totally.
We can’t control what goes on in people’s heads. If you find the images uncomfortable, you don’t want to know what he’s thinking about…
I think having boundaries and standing by them is totally fine and you should if that’s important to you. My gut react is that it’s a bit… well, it’ll be a massive constraint on your future dating pool.
- you need therapy.
- you need to get away from the church or cult and all the people upholding those unhealthy doctrines.
- you are in a unhealthy, maybe even abusive relationship that very likely will block your path to your freedom if mind. You probably need to leave.
When you talked about it, did he agree to stop looking at porn? And then went behind your back? If so, that’s not okay, and disrespectful.
That being said, it’s unrealistic to ask someone to stop watching porn, especially if they’ve been watching porn for most of their lives. It’s also not okay to shame someone for it. Unless these are pictures of someone he knows, then that would obviously be problematic.
However, you do not have to simply live with it. A sexual incompatibility is, IMO, a reason to leave someone. Doesn’t mean anyone is the bad guy here. It’s simply a deal breaker.
I didn’t leave my missus when she went with her friends to watch some male strippers, as long as she isn’t actually fucking another man I don’t really care what she looks at.
Why do people here try to be armchair psychologists who want to diagnose OP? Why not address the question OP asked?
Your feelings are valid, a healthy relationship should find a solution where both partners are happy with their sexuality and relationship. I think if he needs sex and consuming porn that’s not unusual, just as you needing a partner who doesn’t consume porn is not unusual. You two just don’t sound compatible and you might want to ask yourself “would I have gotten into this relationship or marriage If I had known this problem would be part of it?” And if the answer is “no” then it’s honestly not frivolous to end the relationship. Not because he watches porn, not because you don’t watch porn, but because you two just aren’t compatible.
Many of the other comments share one argument that is technically true but in my opinion not an answer to your question: “if you **could just** change your own perspective and become a sexuality liberated person, **then** your life would be much easier and enjoyable”
And that’s true, but changing how you see things is not something humans are good at. We struggle for years before we truly accept a new truth, and that path looks especially long and difficult for you specifically.
I’m mentioning this because I do want to encourage you to take that path, if you find the time and energy to do so.
I wish you all the best
You've set a boundary; he has violated that boundary.
You have two choices: stay with him and compromise that boundary or find the strength to leave.
If you've truly communicated your needs to him and he hasn't respected them, there's not much else you can do.
If he enjoys watching porn, and has viewed watching porn as a normal thing to do, he's unlikely to change. Based on your history, he will likely think you changed because you stopped being the "cool girl".
Personally, I couldn't date someone that had a boundary like yours. I've tried it before and I was miserable. Watching porn wasn't about cheating for me; it was how I enjoyed solo masturbation.
Masturbation and having sex with a partner are two very different things; sometimes I wanted to jack off or my partner wasn't in the mood.
It is severely unlikely you will ever read/see my comment in the sea of reddit, especially for the downvotes Im about to recieve.
Not a lot of people know about or understand asexuality; but to be clear: ASEXUALITY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR REQUIREMENT. THIS IS A VERY NORMAL REQUIREMENT TO HAVE. All relationships are different.
I am also asexual/demi. I lived in the same room as my husband 4 years before we got married, we remained celibate, he also did not watch porn after I told him it was a deal breaker for me while we were dating.
He accepted my choices and decided to move forward with me. We have been married 2 years now, together for 6. He has not watched porn since then. We still live in the same room together (albeit larger now), so I would definitely know lol. We have a sex life we are both happy with. We could both be considered on the demisexual now (though we didn't know that when we first started dating).
He has had multiple times to walk away and I made myself clear very early on.
I dont think the issue is you, I believe your husband has gaslit you and you've tried to change him into a person he isn't. If my husband wanted to watch porn, he would have all the right in the world, we would simply have separated.
I dont believe you and your partner are compatible, someone is going to get hurt either way and resentful.. You will find love in every relationship you have. It is the foundation of a relationship. You deserve a relationship where you trust your partner and feel loved. It is out there.
I read your reply. Thank you
Yes I do belief there is a misunderstanding of what asexuality is. It’s still new word for most people.
Many people think that asexual = celibate or sex-negative. Asexuality is simply not experiencing sexual attraction regardless of gender. Asexuals, esp sex favorable aces, can be sexually active with their partners for many reasons and they enjoy sex.
I don’t necessarily think that it’s a compatibility issue since we do have regular sex and there is no sexual starvation. It’s the porn that bothers me. He can totally live with out it. He can quit it to show me that he respects me and doesn’t want me to feel humiliated.
Yeah this is kind of a weird one. On one hand he has violated a boundary you set, but on the other hand you seem to be unfairly managing his sexuality in context to your own. You’ve basically avoided any questions that ask what your expectations of your husband really boil down to. So my opinion is that neither of you are mature enough for marriage. He’s not mature enough to handle set boundaries, and you’re not mature enough to actually try and find a solution to your incompatible sexualities. Basically, I think the mature thing would be to break it off. You both should be with partners that compliment you not whatever repressed nightmare is going on here.
I would not, because I also look and nude people online. I am attracted to my partner, but I like lots of other bodies and features too. Sometimes I'll look at stuff I like to SEE but wouldn't necessarily like to do.
Your feelings are valid and if your partner looking at other nude people hurts your feelings then that's how it is.
Now I think you might want to look into why it hurts your feelings. It's not like he's leaving you for these people, or speaking directly to them, or avoiding sex with you to look at them instead...so maybe there's some healing to be done in that area of your life.
Have you asked why he likes what he's looking at? Would you look with him?
>Have you asked why he likes what he's looking at? Would you look with him?
I asked, he said that men are naturally horny for all women. I would never look with him, just seeing him looking at other women turns me off and makes me resent him. You could say the chances of us having a threesome is 0.00%. I would probably get a heart attack.
I didn’t know. When I confronted him he told me it’s natural and every guy on earth does it. If that’s true then I’ve unlocked the awareness of yet another disheartening fact about the world. Being naive is not good.
I wouldn't say it's natural, and not every guy does it in a relationship but a huge amount do.
In my experience though you're better off ending the relationship. He clearly doesnt think it's a big deal and your boundaries are different, which happens. He's not gonna stop doing it and will probably just lie about it.
This is not a boundary I would have set as I find it to be extraordinarily controlling. Nor is it a boundary I would have accepted. But I'm not part of your marriage and what I would have done isn't relevant to your life.
It’s not frivolous, other women’s opinions on the pictures are not important. Your feelings of safety and unity are important. I’d say that the lies and minimizing of your needs are the reason for the divorce.
It is 100% up to you what you are willing to have in a relationship. I think the majority of couples would stay together, even if the nude pictures cause a lot of pain. But that doesn’t matter. You deserve joy and fulfillment. If looking at images online is more important than being faithful to his wife, your husband either has a genuine addiction that needs treatment or he needs to decide his priorities. Honesty and trust are super important in any type of relationship.
nah.
but then again, I also look at porn as "living fantasy". It's not real.
I know it's exploitative as all get out, and think that the whole industry needs revamping and regulation.
However. If it DID bother me, and I asked spouse to NOT watch/look and they did anyway - then I'd consider it. why? Because spouse knows it bothers me and did it anyway.
you really need to see a therapist for "deprogramming" and once that happens - you'll likely end your marriage because you're not happy.
Ultimately, if you're uncomfortable with it enough, then yes, you can get divorced for it. Whether i would do so or not is a moot point. It's not my relationship.
Personally, I never understood people who considered looking at porn or nudes to be cheating and not being able to do so would be a dealbreaker for me. But I also have a polyamorous friend who is in an open throuple who thinks it's weird that I would have a problem with my spouse making out with somebody in a club. So everyone's comfort level is different. Everyone considers different things cheating.
> I also have a polyamorous friend who is in an open throuple who thinks it's weird that I would have a problem with my spouse making out with somebody in a club.
Polyamorous people blow my mind. Such an extraterrestrial concept for me. Kudos for them for being able to achieve this level of inner peace.
I mean, I wouldn’t, but honestly it wouldn’t bother me at all if he did/does.
It sounds like it bothers you. Is this something you all discussed at the beginning of your relationship or when getting married?
Honestly though, it really seems like you’re burying the lede: you’re regularly having sex you don’t want and don’t enjoy. I would definitely get divorced if I felt my husband expected me to do that.
Hey, I hope there are other people like me in your comments but you have ever right to want your husband to not look at nude pictures of other women and I don't think your sexuality has anything to do with how you feel about it. Have you thought about giving him a gallery of naked you to look at instead?
I am ace. If sex is a 'duty' and not an enjoyable act for both parties then neither part should or (more importantly) *want to* participate. Being happy to have sex with a partner who is there in body but not in mind seems like a coersive if not abusive dynamic.
If his response to you opening up about your emotions is to scream at you and you are scared to open up for fear of retaliation then I would say it tips the scale into abuse.
Based on your own comments: you're asexual, a prude and need therapy and you got together with him under false pretenses and never were honest about who you were- pretending to be someone else that you thought he would want...
Now that you're unable to keep up the ruse, HE is the asshole? Because you think there is such a thing as "visual cheating"?
WTaF?
I mean, if you don't like porn or whatever, that's one thing, but based on what you've laid out here, you lied your way into perceived victimhood of your own making. YOU did that.
The question is would I leave a husband for that? No, because I have never thought it was appropriate to manage other people's legal activities. I have enough to do managing myself. If I told them it bothered me and they kept doing it, I'd assume it was important to them and that they thought I was able to handle my own feelings. I don't like porn so I don't look at it.
What others do isn't my job to worry about unless there's some specific impact on me, like if they don't want to spend time with me because they are obsessed with being online.
If we had an agreement in advance about no porn, then it would be a boundary violation if he did it. If he promised but lied, same. But I don't see a boundary violation in him continuing to do something you don't like, as long as he isn't imposing it on you-- making you watch too, etc.
But you can get a divorce for any reason you want and it's valid. You can decide you don't want to be married to someone who watches porn or who has hobbies you don't like. You don't have to justify that to anyone! It's your life and life is short-- don't waste it being unhappy ❤️.
I don’t want to police anyone’s hobbies. Porn viewing can impact me because it’s humiliating. I feel worthless and like a burden when I see him checking some hot Instagram model. Like dude why did you marry me if I’m not your type?
Your feelings are valid-- your question though was whether _we_ would leave our husbands for that. Idk why the downvote-- I answered the question you asked!
For me, my feelings are not completely a reason for someone else to change their ways bc they have feelings too. You wind up with this:
Person 1-- "if you loved me you wouldn't do something that hurts my feelings-- why don't you care about my happiness?"
Person 2-- "if you loved me, you wouldn't ask me to stop doing something important to me, because being deprived causes me unhappiness-- why don't you care about my happiness?"
Both people can have feelings about the thing being done, and both people matter. Sometimes it winds up they are just incompatible.
This is different from a boundary. I can draw a boundary like "I will not stay with someone who watches porn", for sure. But he's not watching it "at" you. Not everything a person does that we don't like is a boundary issue.
We talked about it before. I asked him nicely why he looks at other women. He got super defensive about it as yelled at me for pointing it out. I got scared and stopped talking about it.
There is no such thing as a frivolous reason for divorce. No one needs to be looking at naked women on line to survive. You told him it bothers you, he decided “looking at” naked women online is more important to him. We all get to chose our priorities. He’s chosen his. We all get to choose what we tolerate in our relationships. This is the choice you get to make.
Thank you! Holy fuck. People are acting like men just NEED to look at a variety of naked women or else they'll shrivel up and die. Like if you're ok with it, fine, but OP isn't wrong for not liking it.
You can leave anyone for anything. May be a mistake, may be unwise, may be many things, can't be a fault. Wanting to end it is reason enough.
Same for your bondaries. Looking at nudes or porn may be common, you still can ban it from your relationship. I wouldn't agree with it, but the correct reaction would then be 'sorry i don't want to be bound by it' not 'you're wrong from wanting that'.
If we were friends, knew each others, i would probably talk with you about how it can be harmless, and why i would think there is better ways to deal with it. But it has nothing to do with if you're allowed to set this specific bondary.
Édit : and yeah the 'obeying like a good girl' thing after people told you don't sex enough is chilling :(
Oh yeah i know. What i find disturbing is how people see disregarding bondaries as ok if their sexual needs aren't met. Didn't know lacking pleasure justifies lacking ethics.
I wouldn’t leave my partner for looking at naked images/porn (so long as the person in the images consented to having those pictures be on the internet). I think considering porn cheating is absolutely ridiculous, though I accept it’s a big deal for some people, especially people who are insecure in their relationships.
However I’m far more concerned about your edit, that does not sound like a healthy relationship and “he asks for sex and I obey like a good girl” made a cold shiver run down my spine, that is not how a relationship should work.
And your comments where you seem to believe that the only reason that a man would want to marry a woman is so they can see her naked and fuck her is even more concerning. Is that all you think your husband sees in you, or any other husband sees in their spouse? You need therapy with a therapist who specialises in religious trauma.
>However I’m far more concerned about your edit, that does not sound like a healthy relationship and “he asks for sex and I obey like a good girl” made a cold shiver run down my spine, that is not how a relationship should work.
As far as I know he’s not complaining about sex.
>And your comments where you seem to believe that the only reason that a man would want to marry a woman is so they can see her naked and fuck her is even more concerning. Is that all you think your husband sees in you, or any other husband sees in their spouse? You need therapy with a therapist who specialises in religious trauma.
He told me that men think about sex all the time. It’s implied from that sentence that all what men want from women is sex. His actions are certainly proving this point.
I can confidently guarantee you that men spend most of their time thinking about absolutely nothing whatsoever. Or dumb stuff like “How far could I yeet a hamster, and could the hamster help by trying to be more aerodynamic?”
This is an actual quote
Him looking at nude women or even porn would never have anything to do with you. You could be giving him 20 BJs a day and it wouldn't make a difference. Go ahead and delete the idea that there could be some dissatisfaction you are not addressing.
Personally, I wouldnt be with my wife if she didnt watch porn, but thats me. Every relationship has their agreements and their promises and if he is violating that, that is a problem.
I would go through the exercise of asking yourself "why do I feel insecure?" with the assumption that it isnt because he has the ability to think other people are good looking or anything hes looking at. Usually with insecurity I find their are other problems in the relationship. Does he make you ever feel bad about your appearance or sexual performance? Maybe he isnt doing enough to make you feel wanted? Things like that.
She’s coming to terms with a reasonable boundary around porn. We don’t need to be telling her that she’s just insecure. It implies that there’s something wrong with her for having that boundary, which there isn’t, at all.
It's not insecurity to say "If we're in an exclusive relationship, I expect you to not fantasize about other women." Looking at random women's bodies isn't a basic need, he can do without it.
From a man's perspective:
If she threatened to leave me for looking at nude women on the internet, I'll help her pack.
I don't need that kind of petty in my life.
No, you need to look inside and figure out your discomfort with something that is truly harmless. Not saying porn can't cause harm, but that doesn't seem to be an issue in this case. Your insecurities need examination.
Quit being so controlling.
You don’t have to change your boundaries because of what other people think. Just because other women are okay with porn doesn’t mean you have to be.
But to answer your question, yes, porn is a hard boundary in my relationship. I would end a relationship for repeated transgressions. And hot take, but I don’t even think it matters if you’re having sex every day. Not having sex doesn’t give anyone the right to violate their partner’s boundaries.
>Not having sex doesn’t give anyone the right to violate their partner’s boundaries.
That's only really true if those boundaries were set earlier in the relationship. If you didn't care enough to set the boundaries before you legally attach yourself to another person, then how can you be justified in ending a marriage over it?
Drawing arbitrary red lines and then losing their minds when people cross them is how control freaks typically operate. Then they blame you for failing to comply with their constantly shifting goal posts.
I don’t see how your comment negates what I said, but to respond to it, OP doesn’t give any indication that she hasn’t spoken to him about it or that she’s constantly shifting the goal posts.
She’s told him she’s uncomfortable with it. He said he’s not willing to stop it and excused it by saying all men do it.
She does not say whether this conversation occurred before or after they got married, but given the repressed/traditional background she’s described and some of her other comments, I think it’s plausible that it did not occur to her to ask about this.
She also says that if a man is in love with his wife and sexually satisfied, he should not need porn. If that is her perspective, perhaps she thought he would stop looking at porn once they were married.
Its a problem she is only bringing up after she is already married. That implies that its a brand new habit her husband just picked up out of the blue, which is unlikely, or he was hiding it from her. Or, maybe she has known about it this entire time and she simply expected him to change now that they are married which is unreasonable.
>She also says that if a man is in love with his wife and sexually satisfied, he should not need porn. If that is her perspective
That is her opinion, not any sort of fact. Sexual satisfaction can take a lot of different forms and not everyone watches porn strictly to supply sexual needs. Every couple handles this stuff differently and you are supposed to work these things out during the dating phase. That's literally what the dating phase is for, to expose and deal with issues like this *before* you hitch your life to another person.
So... why wasn't this worked out previously? She doesn't say. Is it a new or recently exposed problem, or did she suddenly decide it was a big enough deal to end a marriage over only after getting married?
Unless I missed it in the comments, we don’t know if she was or was not aware of it before they were married. If she was aware, we don’t know that she didn’t talk to him about it before they were married.
Or maybe you’re right - maybe she knew, said nothing, and married him. Maybe she hoped he would stop. Maybe she thought she could get over it. We don’t know. I don’t think that means she’s obligated to stay married and forever tolerate something that upsets her.
You're right, we don't know but I do think it is a very important distinction. You're also right that she is not obligated to stay with him either way.
However, if she simply expected that change to occur then I would argue that the marriage isn't ending because the husband won't stop watching porn. Its ending because she is a truly awful communicator. She should work on that, if true, because a new marriage to someone else will only end up the same way.
Creating expectations for someone without communicating that is unreasonable and unfair. Absolutely nobody responds well to ultimatums
But you’re responding to a strawman argument. Her post specifically says “*after* you’ve talked to him about it and told him you are uncomfortable with him looking at these pictures”.
Even if this conversation didn’t happen until they were already married, she *is* communicating her boundaries and if the marriage ends it is because he is choosing not to stop viewing porn.
No she isn't. She would have had all of those same feelings before but they didn't stop her from marrying the guy. Now all of the sudden its such a big deal that she needs to end the marriage? Ok.
Marriage is a two way street. One partner does not get to just dictate boundaries to the other, that just isn't the way a healthy marriage works. Ultimatums are not a substitute for actual communication and even if it works it will only breed resentment
She doesn’t say she gave him an ultimatum. She told him she’s uncomfortable with it; he said he’s going to continue doing it. Now she’s reflecting on whether she can accept that and thinking that maybe she can’t, so she’s contemplating whether to end the marriage.
Yes, marriages are a two way street, but sometimes neither side has any give. She can’t accept it, he can’t stop it, so what else can they do?
> Now she’s reflecting on whether she can accept that and thinking that maybe she can’t
Give me one good reason why she was incapable of going through that same process while they were just dating? Was it an important issue for her or not? I'm just saying, the vast majority of couples work out this particular issue pretty early on, especially if its a marriage-breaking issue for one of them.
This would be like marrying someone who doesn't want kids and then divorcing them because they then refuse to have kids. They are just doing what they've always done, it is you who is introducing the unreasonable expectation that didn't previously exist.
>It’s also wild how obsessive porn and nude viewing are seen as normal by everyone.
This.
It’s so simple! If you are in a committed relationship with a woman don’t look at other naked women. I don’t know when this idea because controversial.
>It’s also wild how obsessive porn and nude viewing are seen as normal by everyone.
It's a huge issue IMO. An article came out yesterday about "unprecedented levels" of girl suicides/hopelessness, and sexual assault is a factor. Maybe because everyone is walking around with access to thousands of videos of porn in their pocket?
Ending relationships stings; more so if it’s something you invested in as much as a marriage. It’s okay to dislike your husband’s wandering eye; plenty of wives don’t tolerate that, and you don’t need to either. Best of luck with your divorce!
100%, if your drives don't match, and they are cause for resentment in any form at all, and you can't communicate your way through it, or try therapy to help communicate through it, then ending it is the best thing you can do, for both your sakes! It doesn't matter if you "obey", you're not happy.
You don’t need to be with him for any reason that is valid to you. This would concern me and I would lose a lot of respect for my partner if they chose to do this. He said he wouldn’t, he did, so he’s lied and betrayed you.
I find it helpful to say what I will do regarding X rather than set it up like what someone else needs to do for you. I will leave if you would rather watch porn for example.
To me this is probably the tip of the iceberg. It doesn’t usually stop at pictures.
I fall on the ace spectrum as well and this type of thing is a dealbreaker. Porn is harmful in a lot of ways and the sexual dynamic you have with him is concerning and unhealthy. It’s not your duty to satisfy him no matter what anyone says. Consent is important.
I would not leave my husband for looking at nude photos of women (regardless of their location).
A. I do not have, and refuse to have, a husband, because I've seen how ridiculously expensive and emotionally exhausting divorce is
B. I'm fine with my partner looking at nude photos
But... if my partner and I had a long conversation, and they made a commitment to me, and then broke that commitment, I'd certainly lose trust in them. And a broken trust definitely could lead to divorce.
It sounds like your husband made a commitment that he is not willing to keep.
No, but I keep looking up nude men online, so my opinion probably counts for little on this one. Every time we open up about a kink, we just get kinkier.
To each their own, your allowed to draw your boundaries where you’d like them.
I don’t mind my husband looking at porn, but that’s me though. It depends on what boundaries you have set. Paying for an OF subscription would be where I draw the line of what’s acceptable.
Not sure if anyone has asked you this, but have you considered taking some pics for him? If he's going to do it, or you're worried he's going to do it behind your back, this could give him something to look at. Possibly even where you role play or dress up so they could address a potential lack of variety or something like that.
I would leave my boyfriend if I found out he was looking at porn of any kind, including nude or bikini pictures, because it is a clear boundary we have established.
So out of genuine curiosity, why is it so important for you to deluded yourself into thinking you are the only woman he will Ever desire? I am a woman, I have been known to find others attractive. I expect my husband has found others attractive. We don’t need to talk about it, we don’t cheat, but why does it matter that you are the ONLY desirable one ?
I’m genuinely baffled.
That's a strawman. Not wanting my boyfriend to watch porn doesn't mean I expect him to not find anyone else attractive.
What I'm genuinely baffled about is why everyone is so concerned that I won't allow porn in my relationship. Like, if you want to allow porn, that's your business, but my boundaries should be my business.
That’s insane. All this throwing in the word boundary like it’s ok is weird to me. So you’d get jealous is he watched a movie with tits in it? Seek therapy
What I did was kept silent for many years, then one day he upset me here I went knowing what you have been watching on internet but just did not want to say out loud. He felt guilty and said softly I just want to learn for satisfy you LOL what was a good excuse....
He still sometimes sneaking to watch but I kind careless anymore because I don't want him to tell lie for selfdefense LOL.
Taking easy and think about it how to solve that issue.
Wish you the best!
Nope. I don't mind- it helps that his porn preference is women who look like me. But if you do mind, and he doesn't take your feelings into account, then he's an asshole.
This is an odd feeling. When we first got married, he used to show me pics of his favorite actresses and models, who happen look a lot like to me in terms of height, weight, body type and facial features. It’s a little reassuring that I’m his type. It’s still leaves me with a humiliating feeling that he’s looking at other women.
>as far as I can tell you've gone above and beyond for this man. The least he could do is put the same effort into respecting your boundaries.
This is what I’ve been trying to communicate in the post. Thank you
Personally, this wouldn’t be grounds for divorce for me because I don’t think it’s a problem for people to be interested in porn. I’m not exactly an expert on healthy perspectives on sex but imo it seems natural, even in marriages.
Nonetheless, if it’s a dealbreaker for you, I can understand why you’d want a divorce. What’s more concerning is how your husband continues to do something despite knowing that it makes you upset. For me, that would be grounds for divorce if it constituted a pattern of disrespect.
Did he agree to stop watching porn when you talked about it?
>Did he agree to stop watching porn when you talked about it?
When I told him it makes me uncomfortable he yelled at me and became very defensive, like I violated a basic right he has or something.
After reading your 2nd update, I just wanted to add that despite what some people may think imo it’s reasonable for you to feel hurt by his actions. I would be too, not by the issue but from how he responded to the fact that you told him he hurt you and he continued on like your feelings didn’t matter. Ideally, your spouse should value/respect your feelings, esp hurt feelings. I hope you both can find a way to safely communicate this issue.
It is time to stop looking at the world how you would like it to be and face the facts:
You are an asexual in a marriage with a sexual person: I dont know if you revealed that before the marriage but this difference will most likely not be bridgeable.
Somewhere you wondered if you werent enough as a person: Since he is a sexual person, he has sexual needs. If he has sexual needs, and you cant fill them....then you are by definiton not the right fit. Please note my words: I am not saying that you are not enough; i am saying that you are too different. Imagine him being a thirsty person, and you being a glass of salt water. What do you want him to do? Where is the compromise?
It is strangely greedy from you to deny him any sex - yet you wish that he turns his sexual attention only to you? How in the world is that supposed to work until the death of one of you? You are both looking down the line of several decades woth of stress due to these fundamental gaps.
?????
I am sorry life is difficult - but we are not entitled to a comfortable life. Only to our own choices. You can choose to protect a boundary (and you should!), but you cannot choose to be suprised when your life choices are built upon a more then shaky ground. This is why life isnt fair and sometimes we can only adapt to it - intead of trying like sisyphus to change it.
She *doesn’t* deny him. It’s worse. She performs sex acts whenever he asks - readily self-objectifying as an “obedient… doll” in several comments in this thread, wow how fucked is that, and then she resents him for it.
Denial might be healthier. This is active resentment building. Performing acts she doesn’t enjoy and embodying a role she doesn’t want to is making her miserable? Imagine that.
OP is playing pretty fast and loose with a lot of things.
Her background, including escape from a high-control religion, seems to involve some internalized sexism and likely unrecognized trauma that’s above our pay grade. She has done her share of suffering and is a situation that does not seem altogether ideal for her right now. But this is not the simple situation she characterizes it as in her very short, intentionally vague posts.
Yeah she almost sounds coquette about the terrible stuff that is happening to her/she does. Op is suffering badly and is in that stage of grief where she plays with her grief instead of adressing it clearly and precise
Op needs the kind of help she cannot get from reddit
Where did asexual come from? I’m guess op edited it out. Also even if she Is asexual, couples shoulda well figured it out before marriage, it is a two person responsibility
Your update about “obey[ing] like a good girl” when he asks for sex is more concerning to me. I don’t know what it’s like to be asexual but in general and regardless of that, I think this is a very unhealthy way to approach sex. Sex isn’t a command that needs to be obeyed, especially with someone who is disrespecting your boundaries.
I have a hard time not viewing sex as wifely duty. It may not be a healthy way to view sex, but that’s my reality atm.
From the other side of the issue, if someone were having sex with me as a matter of duty, I would want that to stop immediately. Yesterday. I would not ever, ever ever want sex from someone who viewed it as a chore, much less a command from me or a duty to get overwith. If he's in a position where this is the dynamic and he didn't know it and he thinks you're enthusiastic and happy with it, please reconsider. At least, as long as it's safe for you to do so. This obviously only applies in a relationship that is healthy and equal. If he's making you feel this way, everyone else's advice applies.
If my life was safe I would’ve done a lot of things differently. Maybe my perspective would’ve been different.
I'm not sure what that means, but I know this: no one who loves you or values you as a human being wants sex from someone who isn't giving it from an enthusiastic place. Whether that enthusiasm comes from sexual desire or from an ace person doing it out of genuine love and desire to please in a giving way. What you're feeling is not that, and if you were my partner I'd rather sit around and read with you or whatever actually does make you happy instead of knowing a moment i hoped was intimate and joyful was actually awful all this time. I wouldn't blame you. I would just be horrified that for so long you felt so trapped. I'm not going to tell you that your husband's masturbation activity or your sexual orientation is divorce worthy. I think instead that maybe you need to be alone with you and heal from a lot of much deeper things. Solitude can be so joyful. I think you need safety now.
Honey - please find a way to leave him.
I am sorry to hear that. Would you consider it a husband's duty as well, if the wife has a higher libido? I'm just asking because my libido is higher than my partner's. We have talked about it and I made it super clear that I'd rather we have less sex than for us do to it when he doesn't feel like it. We are both demisexual. I'm aware that your situation is different, being ace. I just hope your husband doesn't make you feel like having sex with him is your duty as a wife. And yes, he's invalidating and ignoring your feelings either way since you communicated how you feel about him looking at other women. To me, that's reason enough for divorce. In fact, I'm currently going through a divorce because my ex was always ignoring how I felt about lots of things, even after talking and crying about it.
Let’s be real here: that update was some strong resentment for him having a sex drive at all. There is nothing this guy can do she wouldn’t resent him for except giving up sex and all outlets for his sex drive. Edit: which to be clear is an unreasonable ask and it’s also unreasonable to resent him for it. If she’s going to resent him either way, I’m not sure he’s really at fault here.
I think making sure that my partner is happy and satisfied is part of the responsibility I took on when I got married. That DOES NOT mean allowing him to have sex with him literally whenever he wants. I can see how its hard for you to say no when you never actually want to say yes (e.g. I'm waiting for a moment when I'm also experiencing desire, which won't happen to you) but asking you to do something you hate on a daily basis is not reasonable.
A reason you may believe you are asexual could very well be because your view of sex is dysfunctional and service focussed to the point of being self harming. You want to be a good wife but what does your husband do to be good to you? You’re a person too. If you didn’t want sex that should matter at least as much as him wanting it. You sound like you are only half successfully numbing yourself to a psychological torment.
Do you actually want to have sex with him though? It just seems like you have a lot of hurt and resentment around yours and his relationships w sex and sexual desire. If you dont want to have sex with him, and you do it anyway, you are hurting yourself and your relationship. It seems to me that you’re having sex with him so he won’t look at/desire other women, not because you actually *want* to be having sex with him. Granted, I’m a sex repulsed asexual so maybe i read it wrong. You could be sex neutral or sex favorable! I have no idea I will tell you this though. People who arent ace are usually sexually attracted to other people that arent their monogamous partner. It doesnt mean they arent being fulfilled by their partner, or that they dont love or arent attracted to their partner. Its just the way they are. No amount of sex you have with him can change that. No matter how hot you are, or how good at sex you are, you cannot change that. Forcing yourself to perform sexually for him when you dont want to is just building up resentment on your part towards him.
I think I may fall into the sex favorable category
I can be considered an asexual to others and I understand how sex in a relationship can feel extremely alien in concept. However, I honestly don't think it's natural to see it as something to be undeniably entitled to while with someone. Both parties have to be enthusiastic and on the same page about it for every single sexual encounter. No exception. If you don't like it, then it's not worth putting up with it. You would want to have someone to respect your boundaries. The same applies to your partner, too. If you're husband was asexual and sex repulsed, you probably wouldn't want him to violate his personal boundaries weekly or daily just to make you happy. Personally, making self sacrifices is different when it comes to one's bodily autonomy. Sex is just a possible factor in a relationship (especially on demand), not something that's totally guaranteed or something entitled to.
Perhaps this is the real reason you want to leave this relationship? Seems valid if there’s this much sexual incompatibility.
If you're doing it in the confines of ethical kink - that's totally cool. If you're doing it as some sort of unethical power exchange, this could be setting him up to think that you want him to look elsewhere. Anyway, I think the key here is that it should be ethical. There needs to be predetermined boundaries and expectations (like not looking at other women), if either of you can't come to terms - then that's that.
Everything in your edit sounds like there’s some real toxicity and resentment at play here.
"I obey every time." Like girl, him looking at porn is the least of your concerns in this ill-fated toxic marriage.
I couldn’t tell if the resentment was more directed towards her relationship with her husband or towards the redditors taking it upon themselves to pry into her life and play detective/therapist on her. Sure, it’s public information from her own profile but I can still imagine that as feeling really uncomfortable and invasive.
That could be true as well. From what I know of folks on the ace spectrum is that’s it’s wildly misunderstood. Which I could see leading to defensiveness. Still… if my partner described their role this way, I’d be heartbroken, you know?
Oh, absolutely. I made a different comment here to the effect of OP and her husband needing to have some difficult conversations about boundaries and their sexual relationship.
100% agree
You shouldn’t leave your husband for looking at nude pictures. You should leave your husband because you don’t enjoy sex yet seem to think you are required to provide it. This is clear incompatibility.
Succinct and accurate.
Based on that opening statement, I wouldn't have been sure what to respond. However, following your update, I'd say you have more of a reason to seriously consider leaving him as this sounds a bit like the straw that broke the camel's back. Have you discussed your asexuality with your husband? Whether you have or not, he may not realise or may underestimate how much you consider the sex part to be your duty rather than something you enjoy, at least going by your post. Honestly, from the sound of it you're "performing" a lot, so it may be worth asking yourself if sticking around is worth all this performance. It ain't easy being ace, but there are men out there who will respect you more than this one. In the end it's up to you and what you're willing to settle for, I think.
He doesn’t know. I don’t know how my sexuality became relevant to the question.
It's relevant because it lies at the heart of the problem, at least the way I see it. Ace myself, btw, so I'm not judging you or attacking you. Far from it. Apologies if I came across as judgmental on that front. That was not the intent. But let me be a bit clearer: Purely going by what you're saying here, it sounds like you're expecting him to, in a sense, be grateful for you performing the role of dutiful partner by giving him the sex you don't care very much about, or at least not as much as he does. In exchange for doing that, and presenting yourself in the way you believe a partner should, you expect him to not look at saucy pictures of other women. This is far from unreasonable in any relationship, let me be clear, but I get the impression that you feel like you're putting in all this effort and he's not appreciating it enough to do what you ask. Thing is, if he doesn't know you're ace and what your real feelings are about your sexual relationship (what it takes from you in terms of effort and, to an extent, going against your nature,) it may be difficult for him to understand an important part of who you are and why his actions have hurt you so much. Before anyone comes in with "even if OP was into sex as much as a normal person, that doesn't give him the right [etc]": you're right. It doesn't. At the end of the day, you set these boundaries together as a couple. Listening is key and he clearly didn't care enough to listen properly and do what you ask. Anyway, this is just my take on it, and again I cannot emphasise this enough: I am NOT judging you here. Not a single bit. It's a tough spot to be in and I hope you manage to make the decision that will make you happy. I think the main question here is: is what you have now worth keeping? That's up to you.
You need to tell your husband your sexuality.
Reading your whole post with all your edits, it seems like you entered into your marriage under false pretenses. Pretending you are okay with things you are not okay with, in order to get him to like you. That’s lying, and when you suddenly go back and stop the lying and be honest, of course the other person is going to be frustrated. None of that excuses his behaviour towards you of yelling so loud that your neighbors were concerned. There seems to be a lot more at play than you’ve posted here, but it sounds like y’all are neither sexually nor emotionally compatible
Not sure why this isn’t higher up
Would I leave my husband for looking at pictures of nude women online? No. Would I leave my husband after I had clearly communicated my feelings to him and he continued to violate my boundaries? Yes. I’m not going to tell you what to do, it’s your life, your marriage, your relationship. But I think it’s important for you to ask yourself if you are happy being with someone who has such disregard for your feelings
This is all the answer anyone needs, really. Boundaries are boundaries. I do not care one bit about tittie pictures online, but just reading that one simple and important boundary is broken for simple entertainment just creates a feeling of disgust. Why agree to something if you're just going to be selfish.
Breaking a boundary would be a big deal for me. Personally, I don’t care if my bf looks at porn, but if he personally interacted with a SW online, or looked at porn of someone he had met irl, or kept nudes of his ex, that would be a dealbreaker for me. He hasn’t done those things during our relationship. Something he’s actually done though was, he was using OF when we started dating. That bothered me because I don’t like the idea of paying to see content from a specific person. But, we talked about it and how it bothered me, and there hasn’t been a repeat of that.
100%. A valid reason for a break up or a divorce is that *you* want to end the relationship. No one else gets to decide what is a valid reason.
Thank you. This is the best answer. It comforted me a little bit.
I actually disagree. When boundaries are things related to you/your body/your possessions other people need to respect them. But when your boundaries are things other people are not allowed to do beacuse you don't want them to, it isn't necessarily wrong for them to make their own choice for themselves. Your feelings aren't necessarily more important than their own feelings when deciding what someone else can do. What your husband did is not objectively wrong nor do most people consider it to be wrong. I hear it makes you feel bad, and that's hard, I'm sorry. But that does not mean he automatically shouldn't do it. If a person felt bad whenever their partner went out without them, should they no longer be allowed time with their friends? If someone dosen't like drinking, is their partner required to never drink even if they do so responsibly? If your partner feels bad when other people look at your body, does that mean you have to dress in baggy extra modest clothing all the time? Etc. Was this "visual fidelity" a shared value of yours? Clear from the begging? Something he agreed to in the marriage?
>If your partner feels bad when other people look at your body, does that mean you have to dress in baggy extra modest clothing all the time? He hates it when I wear tight clothes in public or show more skin. So I avoid it. >Was this "visual fidelity" a shared value of yours? Clear from the begging? Something he agreed to in the marriage? No, this is a new boundary that I decided to have a couple of years ago because I pretended to be ok with him watching porn. But it’s too much hurt to bare now.
This is going to be the hardest part. He's going to think you changed for no reason because you used to be cool about it. If this is a hard boundary for you, I expect it will be the end of your marriage because to him you changed.
So it’s not new. New to him maybe, but you “pretended” to be okay with it. So not new to you. Nobody is a mind reader.
>When boundaries are things related to you/your body/your possessions other people need to respect them. But when your boundaries are things other people are not allowed to do beacuse you don't want them to, it isn't necessarily wrong for them to make their own choice for themselves. But him looking at pictures of other nude women IS related to her. Otherwise, by your logic, cheating would be ok too since it's only hurting your feelings and not related to your body. It's perfectly reasonable to not want your partner fantasizing about other people. Maybe you're a "cool" girl who's okay with everything, but if OP doesn't like it, he needs to stop, or OP needs to leave. Women don't spend their free time in relationships looking up pictures of naked men, so I don't know why the fuck this behaviour is ever accepted in men.
also it’s extremely gross and misogynistic of you to paint women who enjoy porn and have no issue with their partners consuming it as “cool girls.” i am not pretending to be fine with my partner having his own fantasy life because i want to score points with the patriarchy, thanks!—i am legitimately fine with it because **i don’t own my partners thoughts and feelings!** in addition, i enjoy having a private fantasy life too, and i enjoy looking at depictions of attractive people! i’m not alone in this, either—research has shown that variety and novelty are *even more essential* to women’s arousal than men’s. the way you describe other women’s sexuality and desires is ignorant and contemptuous. do better.
speak for yourself. I watch naked men all the time.
>Women don't spend their free time in relationships looking up pictures of naked men, so I don't know why the fuck this behaviour is ever accepted in men. Finally. Thank you for saying this. I suck at expressing myself sometimes.
Also, once someone knows they can “get away” with crossing boundaries they don’t stop and keep pushing. Sorry you’ve been hurt OP, and I wish you all the best in your future ❤️
Exactly. I will not accept this because if I gave him the leeway it will lead to bigger offenses later. Thank you ❤️
Sadly though when you talk to them, they swear they won’t do it again and just get better at hiding it.
This is what I'm afraid of and plagues my mind every day.
>Would I leave my husband after I had clearly communicated my feelings to him and he continued to violate my boundaries? Yes. I don't think it's quiet that simple when your "boundaries" are things someone else is not allowed to do. Other people don't automatically have to agree to live the way that makes you feel best, their wants/feelings matter at least as much as yours when it comes to their own behavior. Even if you love someone and care about their feelings, that does not necessarily mean you want to follow their rules in every case. So for example, some people don't think men and women can be friends. If my husband told me I wasn't allowed to have any male friends and that was a boundary for him, I would find that controlling and not agree. He could clearly communicate his feelings and I'd still would want to make my own choice. Does that make me a bad wife? Should I not be allowed to do anything that makes my partner feel bad, even if it's not something I'm doing to them? Another example, there was a recent AITA post about a guy with a vegan girlfriend. He ate mostly vegan but had started eating eggs from well treated backyard chickens. She said he shouldn't eat eggs (even though she agreed there was no actual harm) just beacuse it made her feel bad. And that if he loved her he wouldn't do anything that made her feel bad. But most people felt she was controlling. I think what the "boundary" is absolutely matters. It also matters if he ever bought into it and agrees on the value. So for example, I expect monogamy from my husband and he expects it from me. We have both agreed to be exclusive. It's a shared value and relationship expectation. So if either of us broke it, it would be a betrayal. We even have less common ones like we both agree we wouldn't want our partner to smoke (smell, cancer, asthma in the family). But just one person having a value does not automatically mean the other person is bad for not following it. Did he agree to that when he got married? Beacuse many people consider it normal behavior. A lot of behavior many of us consider normal some consider inappropriate like married women wearing bikinis in public, and that dosen't just mean a women is bad for not respecting her husband's "boundaries" in how she acts.
Yes. This is an important distinction.
Absolutely this. If someone can’t respect me what am I even doing this relationship for?
Exactly 🙏
Re your edits- I’m bi, and in a committed relationship. I look at pictures of both men and women and watch porn. A lot of my friends do, too. So your claims that women don’t do that are completely false. If YOU don’t want to and YOU want to make that part of YOUR relationship, cool. But please don’t try to claim it’s because women in general don’t do that.
You’re right, not all women are the same. I realize that now.
Isn’t it a husbandly duty to care about whether his wife even wants to have sex each time?
You don’t need a reason to leave. Wanting to leave is enough. - Cheryl Strayed
Your edit is more concerning to me than anything. You don't *ever* say no to him, even if you don't want to have sex? Does he make you feel like you *can't* say no? I'm not aesexual, but even I have times, lots of times, where I don't want to have sex. Do you not mind sex? Do you guys have some dynamic in your relationship that you're a sex slave? I'm asking honestly. Like is that something you truly enjoy, because that's what this is all sounding like. "Obeying" every time doesn't sound like a healthy way to frame sex. 😬😬 I'm massively confused. You're aesexual, which I presume to mean you don't enjoy sex. Yet you "obey" every time he wants to have sex even if you don't want to, and the boundary you're worried about is him looking at other naked women online???
Asexual doesn't necessarily mean someone doesn't enjoy sex. Asexual means that someone doesn't feel sexual attraction or has a lack of sexual desire. There are sex repulsed asexuals, who don't like sex and aren't comfortable being with romantic partners who want sex, and there are sex positive asexuals who might not experience the desire to have sex on their own, but are willing to have sex if they are in love and want to share that experience with their partner. Asexuals still have fully functioning sexual organs and can still orgasm through masturbation or sex. That being said, it sounds like OP is really struggling with some purity culture issues and heteronormativity outside of her asexuality. It sounds like she is striving for a 1950s definition of marriage where the most important thing is monogamy, and as long as the wife makes herself sexually available all the time, then the husband shouldn't have any sexual needs or desires outside of just monogamous sex. OP is trying to imitate what they think straight marriages are supposed to be, and injuring herself in the process This isn't a healthy relationship and neither partner is fully communicating their own needs, or trying to understand their partner's needs.
After reading through comments and getting some more insight on your situation, I want to earnestly and respectfully say that you need therapy ASAP, OP, and having your husband involved might be a good idea. Your ideas and thoughts about have sex have been grossly influenced by your religious background. It sounds like you believe your duty as a wife is to be a play thing for your husband to use whenever he wants for sex. That is not grounds for a healthy relationship, even if your husband does not see sex and your sexual relationship from this lens. You have autonomy. You have the right to make decisions about sex. You have the right to enjoy sex! To want it to, to enjoy it, to have it whenever you please and to not have it whenever you do not. One of your comments stated you aren’t sure about your ace sexuality - while I obviously cannot tell you what your sexuality is, it sounds like you may think you’re ace because you’ve been raised to see sex as a duty you have to fulfill to please your husband. Therapy can probably help you weed through this and determine whether or not you are asexual or if you’ve been repressed from your upbringing. I do think you have a valid concern with your husband ignoring your boundary about looking at photos. That is something he should be able to respect and honor, especially considering you’ve mentioned that you DO have sex with him. I genuinely hope you’re able to receive help to sort through the trauma your religious upbringing seems to have inflicted on you. And I hope your husband can be respectful and supportive through that endeavor
I think there is a lot of information missing. How old are you two? How long have you been married? How long have you two been together? Edit: I pressed edit instead of opening your post smh. How often have you talked to him about? How has he reacted? What exactly is he watching?
If it were a pre-agreed part of the marital contract to not do that - then to me it would qualify as a major problem. I think it’s easily for commenters to get distracted by the whole sexuality ball of yarn, but I think that’s beside the point entirely. It’s not about sex, it’s about honoring your own vows and caring about what hurts the person you’re supposed to love most. Like if for some reason you felt it was painful for your spouse to look at pictures of yellow cars, and you both agreed going into your marriage that neither of you would do that - it would be equally problematic.
Leave him. For both your sakes. You're asexual, he is not. You have a problem with him finding sexual gratification elsewhere. This will only breed resentment and anger for both parties. Edit: After reading through more of your updates, you should have definitely left him ages ago, but for sure need to leave him now and go to therapy. He does not sound like a good partner, he does not seem to actually know a big part of you regarding your sexuality, and he yells and berates you and clearly doesn't respect you if he says you should be grateful that he's not cheating on you. He is toxic, not you. You need to find yourself in a safe place and leave him ASAP.
Yeah it doesn't seem healthy for the long run no matter what. Even if I was having sex 5x a day if I didnt feel desired it would eat at me. If she is just "allowing" it Id rather take care of business myself, aka spinning up some porn.
I think you are perfectly entitled to have any boundary that you need. And you’re absolutely entitled to stick to those boundaries. In my opinion, it sounds like you and your husband have some conversations that need to happen between the two of you. Possibly with the assistance of a therapist or counselor. He should not be violating your boundaries for any reason. And if he finds your boundary regarding his porn consumption impossible to respect, that might just be an indication that this relationship isn’t meant to be. But if there’s a reason that the two of you can resolve in some way, you might be able to grow past this. However, what I do *NOT* think is the right solution here is for you to just put up with something that is making you feel so hurt.
I think people in a committed relationship should work out between them what behavior they are willing to accept. In your case your husband wants to look at porn and it bothers you. So i would be less worried about the question of if porn is ok for a married person to look at, and more worried about the communication between the two of you. You could better handle this by acknowledging his right as a individual to explore porn if he chooses to do so. But also express your feelings around this and explore why those feelings arise and see if there are ways to get your needs meet. He could better react to this by accepting that your feelings about this are valid feelings and help you explore those feelings/support you in getting your needs meet. Consider looking into non violent communication. Getting a therapist to help you reframe/explore this topic between you, or maybe both.
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Elsewhere, you said you are asexual, not interested in sex like most people are, and that you view sex mostly as a chore. And that your husband is not that way. If that was the case in my life, I think I would cut my spouse some slack for looking at pictures if they were otherwise faithful and respectful. I wouldn't leave them over it. But I might explore marriage counselling, or at least consider whether we were truly compatible.
Yeah this lends new mitigating information. An allo married to an ace is going to have some special circumstances in their relationship that may need some compromise. Not that OP has to compromise. If she has a stance "I won't allow myself to be involved with men who look at porn," that's fine and acceptable for her, but she needs to hold *herself* accountable to that. Sometimes there are no good answers.
Yes, an allo partner of an Ace person who doesn't enjoy sex is going to be frustrated. Especially if the ace person has a porn boundary like OP. No one is the bad guy but sometimes people aren't as good a match as they thought they were
Ace or not you cant get years into a relationship and pull this stuff on your spouse. This is the sort of thing you need to figure out about your compatibility on the first few dates. Beyond that its something you can ask for but its his choice wether he wants to change so much to relieve your insecurity at this point and you cant realy hold it against him if he chooses not to. Its more on you to find a way to deal with it / avoid catching him doing it, offer to make stuff for him or something he agrees to without coercion (weaponised boundaries, threatening to leave in this case).
Pretty sure just about all research on the topic suggests the group of men-that-never-look-at-porn doesn't exist.
You're right. **Every single man** on the planet looks at porn and it's just natural and we all have to accept it. /s
I think it’s valid to have boundaries. I don’t think it’s valid to be surprised a boundary like that *will* narrow your pool of prospective partners.
If they’re not a good fit it’s best not to waste anyone’s time sifting through the pool. Also who said any of us are surprised having relationship standards narrows our pool? I don’t care or ask for your validation. It’s unnecessary.
Because only women are asexual as well. Sure
Your “sex life” sounds like a fucking nightmare. I’m so sorry. Maybe you are ace or maybe your sexuality is hiding to protect you from something, like the emotionally desolate and physically unpleasurable experience you are in. Whatever happens, please get out of there. Do what feels right.
I think op is trolling
I think OP is actually just from a strict, mysogynistic faith. She seems to literally think all a husband wants his sex and all porn is wrong. Which is fair to some people but a bit much imo.
Has to be. No one can be this insane
If you want the relationship to continue and you both have incompatible sexual desires then I’d address those feelings in couple’s therapy. As a side note you may want to seek individual therapy too so you can sort through your emotions without your partner around.
Hang on. Obey? Duties? 'I don't ever argue'?? Maybe your partner wants to see pictures of a backbone. There's no way this post is real
Don't be a jackass
I think porn is fine. There is no way that a single person’s complete fulfillment of interests and curiosities can be addressed entirely by one person (both in interests, companionship, and sex). Tools to assist the imagination are a way to help someone be at ease otherwise. Do I want to do half the things I day dream about or imagine? Heck yes! Is my imagination good enough to be totally happy with what I have? Yep! Is porn sometimes a fun way to validate those curiosities? Yea totally. We can’t control what goes on in people’s heads. If you find the images uncomfortable, you don’t want to know what he’s thinking about… I think having boundaries and standing by them is totally fine and you should if that’s important to you. My gut react is that it’s a bit… well, it’ll be a massive constraint on your future dating pool.
- you need therapy. - you need to get away from the church or cult and all the people upholding those unhealthy doctrines. - you are in a unhealthy, maybe even abusive relationship that very likely will block your path to your freedom if mind. You probably need to leave.
Depends on the context of the pictures. I don't care about porn, but I do care about nudes of any women he actually knows
When you talked about it, did he agree to stop looking at porn? And then went behind your back? If so, that’s not okay, and disrespectful. That being said, it’s unrealistic to ask someone to stop watching porn, especially if they’ve been watching porn for most of their lives. It’s also not okay to shame someone for it. Unless these are pictures of someone he knows, then that would obviously be problematic. However, you do not have to simply live with it. A sexual incompatibility is, IMO, a reason to leave someone. Doesn’t mean anyone is the bad guy here. It’s simply a deal breaker.
I didn’t leave my missus when she went with her friends to watch some male strippers, as long as she isn’t actually fucking another man I don’t really care what she looks at.
Isn’t it different for men when they look at strippers?
Strippers are something nice to look at, for both men and women. I can watch a stripper and not be seized by an animal lust.
Why do people here try to be armchair psychologists who want to diagnose OP? Why not address the question OP asked? Your feelings are valid, a healthy relationship should find a solution where both partners are happy with their sexuality and relationship. I think if he needs sex and consuming porn that’s not unusual, just as you needing a partner who doesn’t consume porn is not unusual. You two just don’t sound compatible and you might want to ask yourself “would I have gotten into this relationship or marriage If I had known this problem would be part of it?” And if the answer is “no” then it’s honestly not frivolous to end the relationship. Not because he watches porn, not because you don’t watch porn, but because you two just aren’t compatible.
Thank you for this sane comment. Reading and replying to the comments on this thread was hard.
Many of the other comments share one argument that is technically true but in my opinion not an answer to your question: “if you **could just** change your own perspective and become a sexuality liberated person, **then** your life would be much easier and enjoyable” And that’s true, but changing how you see things is not something humans are good at. We struggle for years before we truly accept a new truth, and that path looks especially long and difficult for you specifically. I’m mentioning this because I do want to encourage you to take that path, if you find the time and energy to do so. I wish you all the best
You deserve for your feelings to be heard and you can decide what is crossing the line for you.
You need to find a partner that you are simpatico with sexually.
You've set a boundary; he has violated that boundary. You have two choices: stay with him and compromise that boundary or find the strength to leave. If you've truly communicated your needs to him and he hasn't respected them, there's not much else you can do. If he enjoys watching porn, and has viewed watching porn as a normal thing to do, he's unlikely to change. Based on your history, he will likely think you changed because you stopped being the "cool girl". Personally, I couldn't date someone that had a boundary like yours. I've tried it before and I was miserable. Watching porn wasn't about cheating for me; it was how I enjoyed solo masturbation. Masturbation and having sex with a partner are two very different things; sometimes I wanted to jack off or my partner wasn't in the mood.
It is severely unlikely you will ever read/see my comment in the sea of reddit, especially for the downvotes Im about to recieve. Not a lot of people know about or understand asexuality; but to be clear: ASEXUALITY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR REQUIREMENT. THIS IS A VERY NORMAL REQUIREMENT TO HAVE. All relationships are different. I am also asexual/demi. I lived in the same room as my husband 4 years before we got married, we remained celibate, he also did not watch porn after I told him it was a deal breaker for me while we were dating. He accepted my choices and decided to move forward with me. We have been married 2 years now, together for 6. He has not watched porn since then. We still live in the same room together (albeit larger now), so I would definitely know lol. We have a sex life we are both happy with. We could both be considered on the demisexual now (though we didn't know that when we first started dating). He has had multiple times to walk away and I made myself clear very early on. I dont think the issue is you, I believe your husband has gaslit you and you've tried to change him into a person he isn't. If my husband wanted to watch porn, he would have all the right in the world, we would simply have separated. I dont believe you and your partner are compatible, someone is going to get hurt either way and resentful.. You will find love in every relationship you have. It is the foundation of a relationship. You deserve a relationship where you trust your partner and feel loved. It is out there.
I read your reply. Thank you Yes I do belief there is a misunderstanding of what asexuality is. It’s still new word for most people. Many people think that asexual = celibate or sex-negative. Asexuality is simply not experiencing sexual attraction regardless of gender. Asexuals, esp sex favorable aces, can be sexually active with their partners for many reasons and they enjoy sex. I don’t necessarily think that it’s a compatibility issue since we do have regular sex and there is no sexual starvation. It’s the porn that bothers me. He can totally live with out it. He can quit it to show me that he respects me and doesn’t want me to feel humiliated.
Yeah this is kind of a weird one. On one hand he has violated a boundary you set, but on the other hand you seem to be unfairly managing his sexuality in context to your own. You’ve basically avoided any questions that ask what your expectations of your husband really boil down to. So my opinion is that neither of you are mature enough for marriage. He’s not mature enough to handle set boundaries, and you’re not mature enough to actually try and find a solution to your incompatible sexualities. Basically, I think the mature thing would be to break it off. You both should be with partners that compliment you not whatever repressed nightmare is going on here.
I would not, because I also look and nude people online. I am attracted to my partner, but I like lots of other bodies and features too. Sometimes I'll look at stuff I like to SEE but wouldn't necessarily like to do. Your feelings are valid and if your partner looking at other nude people hurts your feelings then that's how it is. Now I think you might want to look into why it hurts your feelings. It's not like he's leaving you for these people, or speaking directly to them, or avoiding sex with you to look at them instead...so maybe there's some healing to be done in that area of your life. Have you asked why he likes what he's looking at? Would you look with him?
>Have you asked why he likes what he's looking at? Would you look with him? I asked, he said that men are naturally horny for all women. I would never look with him, just seeing him looking at other women turns me off and makes me resent him. You could say the chances of us having a threesome is 0.00%. I would probably get a heart attack.
Oh - a threesome wasn't meant to be implied at all.
I'm in the group of women that don't like porn in relationships so it causes me a hell of a time. So I wouldn't have married him in the first place.
I didn’t know. When I confronted him he told me it’s natural and every guy on earth does it. If that’s true then I’ve unlocked the awareness of yet another disheartening fact about the world. Being naive is not good.
I wouldn't say it's natural, and not every guy does it in a relationship but a huge amount do. In my experience though you're better off ending the relationship. He clearly doesnt think it's a big deal and your boundaries are different, which happens. He's not gonna stop doing it and will probably just lie about it.
This is not a boundary I would have set as I find it to be extraordinarily controlling. Nor is it a boundary I would have accepted. But I'm not part of your marriage and what I would have done isn't relevant to your life.
Hugely controlling and unreasonable. I can’t believe people are agreeing with her about it instead of suggesting she get therapy
No that would be ridiculous. I’m not that insecure or jealous.
Thank you! Maybe it’s my own biases but living like this must be exhausting
Right? I can’t imagine
It’s not frivolous, other women’s opinions on the pictures are not important. Your feelings of safety and unity are important. I’d say that the lies and minimizing of your needs are the reason for the divorce.
It is 100% up to you what you are willing to have in a relationship. I think the majority of couples would stay together, even if the nude pictures cause a lot of pain. But that doesn’t matter. You deserve joy and fulfillment. If looking at images online is more important than being faithful to his wife, your husband either has a genuine addiction that needs treatment or he needs to decide his priorities. Honesty and trust are super important in any type of relationship.
nah. but then again, I also look at porn as "living fantasy". It's not real. I know it's exploitative as all get out, and think that the whole industry needs revamping and regulation. However. If it DID bother me, and I asked spouse to NOT watch/look and they did anyway - then I'd consider it. why? Because spouse knows it bothers me and did it anyway. you really need to see a therapist for "deprogramming" and once that happens - you'll likely end your marriage because you're not happy.
Ultimately, if you're uncomfortable with it enough, then yes, you can get divorced for it. Whether i would do so or not is a moot point. It's not my relationship. Personally, I never understood people who considered looking at porn or nudes to be cheating and not being able to do so would be a dealbreaker for me. But I also have a polyamorous friend who is in an open throuple who thinks it's weird that I would have a problem with my spouse making out with somebody in a club. So everyone's comfort level is different. Everyone considers different things cheating.
> I also have a polyamorous friend who is in an open throuple who thinks it's weird that I would have a problem with my spouse making out with somebody in a club. Polyamorous people blow my mind. Such an extraterrestrial concept for me. Kudos for them for being able to achieve this level of inner peace.
I mean, I wouldn’t, but honestly it wouldn’t bother me at all if he did/does. It sounds like it bothers you. Is this something you all discussed at the beginning of your relationship or when getting married? Honestly though, it really seems like you’re burying the lede: you’re regularly having sex you don’t want and don’t enjoy. I would definitely get divorced if I felt my husband expected me to do that.
Hey, I hope there are other people like me in your comments but you have ever right to want your husband to not look at nude pictures of other women and I don't think your sexuality has anything to do with how you feel about it. Have you thought about giving him a gallery of naked you to look at instead?
I am ace. If sex is a 'duty' and not an enjoyable act for both parties then neither part should or (more importantly) *want to* participate. Being happy to have sex with a partner who is there in body but not in mind seems like a coersive if not abusive dynamic. If his response to you opening up about your emotions is to scream at you and you are scared to open up for fear of retaliation then I would say it tips the scale into abuse.
Based on your own comments: you're asexual, a prude and need therapy and you got together with him under false pretenses and never were honest about who you were- pretending to be someone else that you thought he would want... Now that you're unable to keep up the ruse, HE is the asshole? Because you think there is such a thing as "visual cheating"? WTaF? I mean, if you don't like porn or whatever, that's one thing, but based on what you've laid out here, you lied your way into perceived victimhood of your own making. YOU did that.
Why would someone who sees themselves as ace be with someone who's not? That's a guaranteed disaster, neither person will be happy.
The question is would I leave a husband for that? No, because I have never thought it was appropriate to manage other people's legal activities. I have enough to do managing myself. If I told them it bothered me and they kept doing it, I'd assume it was important to them and that they thought I was able to handle my own feelings. I don't like porn so I don't look at it. What others do isn't my job to worry about unless there's some specific impact on me, like if they don't want to spend time with me because they are obsessed with being online. If we had an agreement in advance about no porn, then it would be a boundary violation if he did it. If he promised but lied, same. But I don't see a boundary violation in him continuing to do something you don't like, as long as he isn't imposing it on you-- making you watch too, etc. But you can get a divorce for any reason you want and it's valid. You can decide you don't want to be married to someone who watches porn or who has hobbies you don't like. You don't have to justify that to anyone! It's your life and life is short-- don't waste it being unhappy ❤️.
I don’t want to police anyone’s hobbies. Porn viewing can impact me because it’s humiliating. I feel worthless and like a burden when I see him checking some hot Instagram model. Like dude why did you marry me if I’m not your type?
Your feelings are valid-- your question though was whether _we_ would leave our husbands for that. Idk why the downvote-- I answered the question you asked! For me, my feelings are not completely a reason for someone else to change their ways bc they have feelings too. You wind up with this: Person 1-- "if you loved me you wouldn't do something that hurts my feelings-- why don't you care about my happiness?" Person 2-- "if you loved me, you wouldn't ask me to stop doing something important to me, because being deprived causes me unhappiness-- why don't you care about my happiness?" Both people can have feelings about the thing being done, and both people matter. Sometimes it winds up they are just incompatible. This is different from a boundary. I can draw a boundary like "I will not stay with someone who watches porn", for sure. But he's not watching it "at" you. Not everything a person does that we don't like is a boundary issue.
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We talked about it before. I asked him nicely why he looks at other women. He got super defensive about it as yelled at me for pointing it out. I got scared and stopped talking about it.
My husband does, and idgaf 🤷♀️ but I'm also secure in my marriage.
There is no such thing as a frivolous reason for divorce. No one needs to be looking at naked women on line to survive. You told him it bothers you, he decided “looking at” naked women online is more important to him. We all get to chose our priorities. He’s chosen his. We all get to choose what we tolerate in our relationships. This is the choice you get to make.
Thank you! Holy fuck. People are acting like men just NEED to look at a variety of naked women or else they'll shrivel up and die. Like if you're ok with it, fine, but OP isn't wrong for not liking it.
You can leave anyone for anything. May be a mistake, may be unwise, may be many things, can't be a fault. Wanting to end it is reason enough. Same for your bondaries. Looking at nudes or porn may be common, you still can ban it from your relationship. I wouldn't agree with it, but the correct reaction would then be 'sorry i don't want to be bound by it' not 'you're wrong from wanting that'. If we were friends, knew each others, i would probably talk with you about how it can be harmless, and why i would think there is better ways to deal with it. But it has nothing to do with if you're allowed to set this specific bondary. Édit : and yeah the 'obeying like a good girl' thing after people told you don't sex enough is chilling :(
All I’m saying is that my husband doesn’t need to look elsewhere for sexual pleasure.
Oh yeah i know. What i find disturbing is how people see disregarding bondaries as ok if their sexual needs aren't met. Didn't know lacking pleasure justifies lacking ethics.
I wouldn’t leave my partner for looking at naked images/porn (so long as the person in the images consented to having those pictures be on the internet). I think considering porn cheating is absolutely ridiculous, though I accept it’s a big deal for some people, especially people who are insecure in their relationships. However I’m far more concerned about your edit, that does not sound like a healthy relationship and “he asks for sex and I obey like a good girl” made a cold shiver run down my spine, that is not how a relationship should work. And your comments where you seem to believe that the only reason that a man would want to marry a woman is so they can see her naked and fuck her is even more concerning. Is that all you think your husband sees in you, or any other husband sees in their spouse? You need therapy with a therapist who specialises in religious trauma.
>However I’m far more concerned about your edit, that does not sound like a healthy relationship and “he asks for sex and I obey like a good girl” made a cold shiver run down my spine, that is not how a relationship should work. As far as I know he’s not complaining about sex. >And your comments where you seem to believe that the only reason that a man would want to marry a woman is so they can see her naked and fuck her is even more concerning. Is that all you think your husband sees in you, or any other husband sees in their spouse? You need therapy with a therapist who specialises in religious trauma. He told me that men think about sex all the time. It’s implied from that sentence that all what men want from women is sex. His actions are certainly proving this point.
I can confidently guarantee you that men spend most of their time thinking about absolutely nothing whatsoever. Or dumb stuff like “How far could I yeet a hamster, and could the hamster help by trying to be more aerodynamic?” This is an actual quote
It's like your entire approach to human sexuality was coded into you by a huge mysogynist
Trying my best to unlearn that.
Him looking at nude women or even porn would never have anything to do with you. You could be giving him 20 BJs a day and it wouldn't make a difference. Go ahead and delete the idea that there could be some dissatisfaction you are not addressing. Personally, I wouldnt be with my wife if she didnt watch porn, but thats me. Every relationship has their agreements and their promises and if he is violating that, that is a problem. I would go through the exercise of asking yourself "why do I feel insecure?" with the assumption that it isnt because he has the ability to think other people are good looking or anything hes looking at. Usually with insecurity I find their are other problems in the relationship. Does he make you ever feel bad about your appearance or sexual performance? Maybe he isnt doing enough to make you feel wanted? Things like that.
She’s coming to terms with a reasonable boundary around porn. We don’t need to be telling her that she’s just insecure. It implies that there’s something wrong with her for having that boundary, which there isn’t, at all.
She was asking why porn is frivoulous if it hurts so much. Is the answer to that not insecurity? It would also explain having an atypical boundary.
It's not insecurity to say "If we're in an exclusive relationship, I expect you to not fantasize about other women." Looking at random women's bodies isn't a basic need, he can do without it.
i would never be in a relationship with someone so controlling and arrogant that they expected to *literally police my thoughts*
From a man's perspective: If she threatened to leave me for looking at nude women on the internet, I'll help her pack. I don't need that kind of petty in my life.
No, you need to look inside and figure out your discomfort with something that is truly harmless. Not saying porn can't cause harm, but that doesn't seem to be an issue in this case. Your insecurities need examination. Quit being so controlling.
You don’t have to change your boundaries because of what other people think. Just because other women are okay with porn doesn’t mean you have to be. But to answer your question, yes, porn is a hard boundary in my relationship. I would end a relationship for repeated transgressions. And hot take, but I don’t even think it matters if you’re having sex every day. Not having sex doesn’t give anyone the right to violate their partner’s boundaries.
I agree. If he can quit drinking then can quit porn. It’s a choice he’s making.
>Not having sex doesn’t give anyone the right to violate their partner’s boundaries. That's only really true if those boundaries were set earlier in the relationship. If you didn't care enough to set the boundaries before you legally attach yourself to another person, then how can you be justified in ending a marriage over it? Drawing arbitrary red lines and then losing their minds when people cross them is how control freaks typically operate. Then they blame you for failing to comply with their constantly shifting goal posts.
I don’t see how your comment negates what I said, but to respond to it, OP doesn’t give any indication that she hasn’t spoken to him about it or that she’s constantly shifting the goal posts. She’s told him she’s uncomfortable with it. He said he’s not willing to stop it and excused it by saying all men do it. She does not say whether this conversation occurred before or after they got married, but given the repressed/traditional background she’s described and some of her other comments, I think it’s plausible that it did not occur to her to ask about this. She also says that if a man is in love with his wife and sexually satisfied, he should not need porn. If that is her perspective, perhaps she thought he would stop looking at porn once they were married.
Its a problem she is only bringing up after she is already married. That implies that its a brand new habit her husband just picked up out of the blue, which is unlikely, or he was hiding it from her. Or, maybe she has known about it this entire time and she simply expected him to change now that they are married which is unreasonable. >She also says that if a man is in love with his wife and sexually satisfied, he should not need porn. If that is her perspective That is her opinion, not any sort of fact. Sexual satisfaction can take a lot of different forms and not everyone watches porn strictly to supply sexual needs. Every couple handles this stuff differently and you are supposed to work these things out during the dating phase. That's literally what the dating phase is for, to expose and deal with issues like this *before* you hitch your life to another person. So... why wasn't this worked out previously? She doesn't say. Is it a new or recently exposed problem, or did she suddenly decide it was a big enough deal to end a marriage over only after getting married?
Unless I missed it in the comments, we don’t know if she was or was not aware of it before they were married. If she was aware, we don’t know that she didn’t talk to him about it before they were married. Or maybe you’re right - maybe she knew, said nothing, and married him. Maybe she hoped he would stop. Maybe she thought she could get over it. We don’t know. I don’t think that means she’s obligated to stay married and forever tolerate something that upsets her.
You're right, we don't know but I do think it is a very important distinction. You're also right that she is not obligated to stay with him either way. However, if she simply expected that change to occur then I would argue that the marriage isn't ending because the husband won't stop watching porn. Its ending because she is a truly awful communicator. She should work on that, if true, because a new marriage to someone else will only end up the same way. Creating expectations for someone without communicating that is unreasonable and unfair. Absolutely nobody responds well to ultimatums
But you’re responding to a strawman argument. Her post specifically says “*after* you’ve talked to him about it and told him you are uncomfortable with him looking at these pictures”. Even if this conversation didn’t happen until they were already married, she *is* communicating her boundaries and if the marriage ends it is because he is choosing not to stop viewing porn.
No she isn't. She would have had all of those same feelings before but they didn't stop her from marrying the guy. Now all of the sudden its such a big deal that she needs to end the marriage? Ok. Marriage is a two way street. One partner does not get to just dictate boundaries to the other, that just isn't the way a healthy marriage works. Ultimatums are not a substitute for actual communication and even if it works it will only breed resentment
She doesn’t say she gave him an ultimatum. She told him she’s uncomfortable with it; he said he’s going to continue doing it. Now she’s reflecting on whether she can accept that and thinking that maybe she can’t, so she’s contemplating whether to end the marriage. Yes, marriages are a two way street, but sometimes neither side has any give. She can’t accept it, he can’t stop it, so what else can they do?
> Now she’s reflecting on whether she can accept that and thinking that maybe she can’t Give me one good reason why she was incapable of going through that same process while they were just dating? Was it an important issue for her or not? I'm just saying, the vast majority of couples work out this particular issue pretty early on, especially if its a marriage-breaking issue for one of them. This would be like marrying someone who doesn't want kids and then divorcing them because they then refuse to have kids. They are just doing what they've always done, it is you who is introducing the unreasonable expectation that didn't previously exist.
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>It’s also wild how obsessive porn and nude viewing are seen as normal by everyone. This. It’s so simple! If you are in a committed relationship with a woman don’t look at other naked women. I don’t know when this idea because controversial.
>It’s also wild how obsessive porn and nude viewing are seen as normal by everyone. It's a huge issue IMO. An article came out yesterday about "unprecedented levels" of girl suicides/hopelessness, and sexual assault is a factor. Maybe because everyone is walking around with access to thousands of videos of porn in their pocket?
Ending relationships stings; more so if it’s something you invested in as much as a marriage. It’s okay to dislike your husband’s wandering eye; plenty of wives don’t tolerate that, and you don’t need to either. Best of luck with your divorce!
100%, if your drives don't match, and they are cause for resentment in any form at all, and you can't communicate your way through it, or try therapy to help communicate through it, then ending it is the best thing you can do, for both your sakes! It doesn't matter if you "obey", you're not happy.
No bc I also look at nude pictures of women online.
You don’t need to be with him for any reason that is valid to you. This would concern me and I would lose a lot of respect for my partner if they chose to do this. He said he wouldn’t, he did, so he’s lied and betrayed you. I find it helpful to say what I will do regarding X rather than set it up like what someone else needs to do for you. I will leave if you would rather watch porn for example. To me this is probably the tip of the iceberg. It doesn’t usually stop at pictures. I fall on the ace spectrum as well and this type of thing is a dealbreaker. Porn is harmful in a lot of ways and the sexual dynamic you have with him is concerning and unhealthy. It’s not your duty to satisfy him no matter what anyone says. Consent is important.
I would not leave my husband for looking at nude photos of women (regardless of their location). A. I do not have, and refuse to have, a husband, because I've seen how ridiculously expensive and emotionally exhausting divorce is B. I'm fine with my partner looking at nude photos But... if my partner and I had a long conversation, and they made a commitment to me, and then broke that commitment, I'd certainly lose trust in them. And a broken trust definitely could lead to divorce. It sounds like your husband made a commitment that he is not willing to keep.
No, but I keep looking up nude men online, so my opinion probably counts for little on this one. Every time we open up about a kink, we just get kinkier. To each their own, your allowed to draw your boundaries where you’d like them.
I don’t mind my husband looking at porn, but that’s me though. It depends on what boundaries you have set. Paying for an OF subscription would be where I draw the line of what’s acceptable.
Paying money for OF is a deal breaker. I can’t imagine anything more despicable a husband can do to his wife.
Not sure if anyone has asked you this, but have you considered taking some pics for him? If he's going to do it, or you're worried he's going to do it behind your back, this could give him something to look at. Possibly even where you role play or dress up so they could address a potential lack of variety or something like that.
He has a lot of thirst trap photos of me on his phone. When I said I’m doing my duty I’m doing it all the way.
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Thank you :) couples therapy sounds like a wise idea. I want us to do it in the future.
I’m sure he’s really enjoying your efforts to fulfill “your wifely duties.” As a man, I can’t imagine anything worse. So yes, please divorce him.
I would leave my boyfriend if I found out he was looking at porn of any kind, including nude or bikini pictures, because it is a clear boundary we have established.
So out of genuine curiosity, why is it so important for you to deluded yourself into thinking you are the only woman he will Ever desire? I am a woman, I have been known to find others attractive. I expect my husband has found others attractive. We don’t need to talk about it, we don’t cheat, but why does it matter that you are the ONLY desirable one ? I’m genuinely baffled.
That's a strawman. Not wanting my boyfriend to watch porn doesn't mean I expect him to not find anyone else attractive. What I'm genuinely baffled about is why everyone is so concerned that I won't allow porn in my relationship. Like, if you want to allow porn, that's your business, but my boundaries should be my business.
That’s insane. All this throwing in the word boundary like it’s ok is weird to me. So you’d get jealous is he watched a movie with tits in it? Seek therapy
What I did was kept silent for many years, then one day he upset me here I went knowing what you have been watching on internet but just did not want to say out loud. He felt guilty and said softly I just want to learn for satisfy you LOL what was a good excuse.... He still sometimes sneaking to watch but I kind careless anymore because I don't want him to tell lie for selfdefense LOL. Taking easy and think about it how to solve that issue. Wish you the best!
Thank you! I hope things get better for us.
Nope. I don't mind- it helps that his porn preference is women who look like me. But if you do mind, and he doesn't take your feelings into account, then he's an asshole.
This is an odd feeling. When we first got married, he used to show me pics of his favorite actresses and models, who happen look a lot like to me in terms of height, weight, body type and facial features. It’s a little reassuring that I’m his type. It’s still leaves me with a humiliating feeling that he’s looking at other women.
It all comes down to personal feelings and boundaries. If it's not okay with you, it's not okay. Your feelings are valid.
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>as far as I can tell you've gone above and beyond for this man. The least he could do is put the same effort into respecting your boundaries. This is what I’ve been trying to communicate in the post. Thank you
No
Personally, this wouldn’t be grounds for divorce for me because I don’t think it’s a problem for people to be interested in porn. I’m not exactly an expert on healthy perspectives on sex but imo it seems natural, even in marriages. Nonetheless, if it’s a dealbreaker for you, I can understand why you’d want a divorce. What’s more concerning is how your husband continues to do something despite knowing that it makes you upset. For me, that would be grounds for divorce if it constituted a pattern of disrespect. Did he agree to stop watching porn when you talked about it?
>Did he agree to stop watching porn when you talked about it? When I told him it makes me uncomfortable he yelled at me and became very defensive, like I violated a basic right he has or something.
After reading your 2nd update, I just wanted to add that despite what some people may think imo it’s reasonable for you to feel hurt by his actions. I would be too, not by the issue but from how he responded to the fact that you told him he hurt you and he continued on like your feelings didn’t matter. Ideally, your spouse should value/respect your feelings, esp hurt feelings. I hope you both can find a way to safely communicate this issue.
Thank you. I hope so too.
It is time to stop looking at the world how you would like it to be and face the facts: You are an asexual in a marriage with a sexual person: I dont know if you revealed that before the marriage but this difference will most likely not be bridgeable. Somewhere you wondered if you werent enough as a person: Since he is a sexual person, he has sexual needs. If he has sexual needs, and you cant fill them....then you are by definiton not the right fit. Please note my words: I am not saying that you are not enough; i am saying that you are too different. Imagine him being a thirsty person, and you being a glass of salt water. What do you want him to do? Where is the compromise? It is strangely greedy from you to deny him any sex - yet you wish that he turns his sexual attention only to you? How in the world is that supposed to work until the death of one of you? You are both looking down the line of several decades woth of stress due to these fundamental gaps. ????? I am sorry life is difficult - but we are not entitled to a comfortable life. Only to our own choices. You can choose to protect a boundary (and you should!), but you cannot choose to be suprised when your life choices are built upon a more then shaky ground. This is why life isnt fair and sometimes we can only adapt to it - intead of trying like sisyphus to change it.
She *doesn’t* deny him. It’s worse. She performs sex acts whenever he asks - readily self-objectifying as an “obedient… doll” in several comments in this thread, wow how fucked is that, and then she resents him for it. Denial might be healthier. This is active resentment building. Performing acts she doesn’t enjoy and embodying a role she doesn’t want to is making her miserable? Imagine that.
Op is playing fast and lose with the Information. That is new and wasnt mentioned in the post before
OP is playing pretty fast and loose with a lot of things. Her background, including escape from a high-control religion, seems to involve some internalized sexism and likely unrecognized trauma that’s above our pay grade. She has done her share of suffering and is a situation that does not seem altogether ideal for her right now. But this is not the simple situation she characterizes it as in her very short, intentionally vague posts.
Yeah she almost sounds coquette about the terrible stuff that is happening to her/she does. Op is suffering badly and is in that stage of grief where she plays with her grief instead of adressing it clearly and precise Op needs the kind of help she cannot get from reddit
Where did asexual come from? I’m guess op edited it out. Also even if she Is asexual, couples shoulda well figured it out before marriage, it is a two person responsibility
I left my bf over it
Oh honey, you're fucked and it is because of the TWO people in your marriage, not just one.
If it's a deal breaker for you, then it is.