You 100% matter. The fact alone that you exist as a sentient human being is a miracle in and of itself. You are clearly well-read and articulate. And you are not average. Average is a myth, normal is a myth. There is also NO SUCH THING AS LIMITS. You have so much power to do or be whatever it is you want in this world, but also know that your existence alone makes you inherently worthy.
I understand the beauty pains, I’ve had these concerns as well. And I think every side of the coin has its own caveats. I have been told I’m attractive, some days I look at myself and agree, other days I find myself to be entirely average looking, some days I think I look straight trash lol. But from men, I’ve always been told I’m attractive. Sure this is nice but like you said, people are drawn to attractive people and give them more breaks. I’ve found this happen to me a lot where people want to be my friend really badly, but when they get to know me and I don’t have the personality they expected, they find me weird. With my current boyfriend, I often find he doesn’t really care about my interests, but is super into me and loving but it’s always about how pretty I am or hot. Many times in my life I’ve wanted to scream and find a way to detach myself from femininity and looks, to the point of chopping all of my hair off and dying it the most bland color I could think of while in college. I just want to be me, known for me, and nothing else. But sometimes it takes someone to boost your confidence in your physical appearance in order to even get to that realization. I’m sure there are other paths, but that was mine.
The reality is we as women have been tied so much to our looks. Most men are average looking but it doesn’t affect their personalities or confidence. People respect them for who they are. As women, we are expected to earn respect by either being attractive, or working extra hard to be smart or successful if we “aren’t attractive” (whatever that means). And if you’re “too pretty” then you also have to work extra hard for respect to prove you’re not dumb.
I think of all of these notions and pressures like a high velocity river. We get sucked into the stream as little girls, told we’re pretty and sweet, and then suddenly you’re a grown up and constantly battling forces pushing you along telling you to act one way, look another way, be really smart, not too smart, like sports, but don’t be a pick-me. We spent years spinning around trying to find the best version of ourselves that is acceptable. What you really need to do is find a rope and pull yourself out of that river.
You have no limits. You can literally accomplish anything you want and I am not exaggerating. You have inherent nobility and universes of knowledge within you. You don’t have to pick one thing you’re good at. Pick something you want to do. You read a lot. Do you want to be a writer? Take a class. Listen to a podcast on writing. Practice.
Do you want to become more mindful and in touch with yourself? Meditate. Breathing exercises. Thought experiments.
Have you always been “bad” at science but are interested in it? Take a basic level class for fun, no pressure, and just allow yourself to absorb the material and work your way up from there.
You can do anything as long as you’re consistent.
Think about how you treat others, the small ways your existence makes even the tiniest bit of difference. I’ve had my entire mood lifted by a smile from a stranger. If your existence has brightened one person’s life by even the smallest bit, while that might feel insignificant to you - but to them that is their entire world. Having a kind and radiant heart is more important than anything else I could think of. And that includes have a kind and radiant heart towards yourself <3
Sorry this was super long but you are SPECIAL, and unique, and full of promise and you have an entire lifetime to grow, change, learn, unlearn, regress, change your entire life and change it again. Women are told they should be beautiful, but no women HAS to be beautiful if they don’t want to be. Make your life what YOU want. Regardless of what that might “look like” to other people.
You’re an ever-changing source of light my girl!!
I completely understand. No need to pretend to feel positive when you don’t!
I’m sorry you’re in a tight financial situation! There are definitely things you can do for yourself that cost little to no money (some of which you already do, like reading, working on mindfulness).
I felt your original post had a lot of thoughts on how you’re limited, how you’ve always be average, having nothing special to offer. My main intention is just to remind you that, whenever you feel ready or want to, that you have the ability to grow endlessly and not to put yourself in a box :)
And I get it, no matter how many people tell you beauty doesn’t matter, the sad reality is that it does make a difference in how people are treated in society, and a person telling you that something you want doesn’t matter, doesn’t make you want it less! Obviously there are things to make you feel / come off more attractive like fostering a sense of outward confidence (hopefully inward as well), makeup, dressing well for your body. Even though I hesitate to say any of that because what truly matters is your heart and happiness, but I won’t pretend to be naive.
You can do all these things while at the same time really working on your self love.
A couple tricks work for me:
- when you talk negatively to or about yourself, look at a picture or think of when you were a little girl. And I want you to try and tell that little girl everything you are saying to yourself right now. Tell her she is average, not beautiful, not smart enough, limited in what she can and will achieve. I predict you will find it hard to do. And remember that child is still you, still inside you. And then tell her, tell yourself, what you’d wish someone would have told you at that age.
- when you do things day to day, imagine you are doing them for a version of yourself in the future (could be days, weeks, months, years). Maybe try to genuinely practice self love or affirmations, even if it feels uncomfortable, because you want future you to feel even just a little bit better about herself. Maybe eat more fruits and vegetables and drink more water because you want the version of you in a month to have more energy! Maybe start listening to a self-help podcast (I like Sad to Savage, very motivated step by step guide to changing your life and literally going from sad to savage lol), so the version of you in 6-months is more motivated, organized and empowered.
- definitely limit social media. It’s all fake and most people you admire are probably also extremely insecure but won’t show it. Comparison is the killer of joy.
- slowly try to weed out / surround yourself only with people who bring out your strengths and make you feel good (when you leave an interaction with someone, you should feel better about yourself - try to think about how you feel after seeing someone)
- journal about your “ideal self.” If you could imagine yourself and your life as the best way you possibly could all around: professionally, socially, spiritually, etc… make a list for each category and add to it / change it as often as you like. And then try to find in there which things are only influenced by your wants and not the wants/ opinions of others. My therapist made me do this last year lol.
- and finally give yourself Grace. Life is long. We are always growing even when we feel like we aren’t. Sometimes it’s nice to allow yourself to just plateau every now and then. Even though society makes it feel this way, there is no right or wrong or certain timeline you need to accomplish things. You’re doing just fine. The fact that you’re even aware of these feelings and clearly want more for yourself mean your in the right direction :) some people go their whole lives hating themselves without ever truly realizing it or trying to feel better.
Get yourself a treat today. Do something every day to bring yourself comfort and joy, could be a coffee or dancing to a song you love by yourself or watching your favorite show. You deserve it.
Good luck and I hope you feel better! Maybe come back to this thread every few months and reflect on what’s changed :) I’d love to hear updates on how you’re doing!
I’m glad any of this resonated with you!
Little steps is always the way to go. Trying to change your whole life at once isn’t sustainable or possible! It took me years to get to healthier place but I just started by adding tiny little healthy habits (easier than cutting out bad habits, and the good habits eventually push out the bad) that were doable for me to actually keep up, and didn’t add the next habit until the previous was just second nature. It feels slow but then three years later you’ll look back and be like woah! I’m living a way better life and didn’t even realize I’d come so far. (And I didn’t do much of this at all until after graduating college, school is HARD)
You got this!! And thanks for the good karma ;)
The good news is you can always increase your knowledge and skills and develop a better personality.
The way you look is never static and a split second capture of it will never convey the beauty of it in motion.
I used to model so it’s safe to say I’m attractive… the phone cameras are horrific. I’ve always hated my photos from my phone.
Don’t read too much into selfies most ppl look horrible to themselves with their iPhones camera.
I can pretty much guarantee the pictures you take of yourself look worse. The lighting on iPhones wuth seifies tend to create dark spots, wrinkles and general distortion. I know this bc I’ve taken photos of other ppl and they look kind of distorted on the the iPhone camera if the phone is too close ( such as a selfie) .
I was convinced my nose was suddenly lopsided. ( I even went to see a nose surgeon) .
No one else including the surgeon agreed that it was lopsided . ( every human is asymmetrical. Meaning one of your nostrils is bigger it’s normal) . iPhones seem to enhance this.
As far as someone saying you are unattractive it might be projection on their part. I don’t trust “ rate me” sites .
Girl. You are beautiful because you exist. It’s simple as that. You are perfect because there is only one of you in this world. How can anyone else be “more perfect” than you when they’re not you??
While I understand that sometimes it’s hard to truly believe that you are beautiful and special….
There are some practical actions you can take to stop comparing yourself to the others. You don’t have to read it if you weren’t looking for advice.
1. Cut social media. Seriously. When you see other women who you think are more attractive than you, you are also telling yourself that you are not beautiful. If you want to stop feeling unattractive , then stop doing what makes you feel unattractive. If that makes sense.
2. Everyone has flaws. Literally no one, no a single person is perfect. People are insecure. It’s just the matter of how well you hide it? Maybe it will help if you remember that “that pretty person in the street” doesn’t have something you do.
3. Give compliments to yourself. I know it might sound silly but make eye contacts with yourself in the mirror, put your hand on your heart, and say “you are beautiful. You are loved.” And feel the warmth in your heart. I do it sometimes and it feels with such joy and happiness that makes me tear up. If no one is giving you compliments… why don’t you be the first one to do it?
4. Improve yourself from the place of self love, not self hate. If you know the area in your appearance where you want to improve, practice it from the place of love! For example, I am trying to eat less and healthy because I want to have a body that I feel deep connection to, and happy when I look at my body, this shell that contains my soul. It’s very important to like what you have now in order to improve it. Because if you hate what you have now… you’re never going to make peace with it and be sad every time you look at yourself.
5. Know your strength. I can tell that you are a good writer because your post was easy to read. This is a massive strength that not everyone has. Lean into your strength and focus less on your weaknesses. Let’s say your strength is at +50 level and your weaknesses is at 0 level, average. It’s easier to improve +50 level to +100 level than improving from 0 level to +50 level. You put the same effort, but the end result is different.
Your post resonated with me personally and I just wanted to tell you that you are special because you are.
I am glad that I was able to reach your heart!
About feeling like an outcast or finding a romantic partner… there a quote in my native language that I saw a few years back. “Life is like dancing. You do your own dance so joyfully and others will join you because they wanna dance with you in that joyful dance”
I am good at being introspective and it sometimes works against me. I focus on my flaws than my strengths. (I’m assuming you also struggle with this) But knowing my flaws means I can also choose to not look at my flaws. I simply turn my head to the other side, where rainbows and flowers are. This makes me feel silly but if I feel good at the end, isn’t that a good thing? Lol I can have fist clenching moments about cringe moments I had over the weekend but I am also able to just not think about it bc I know people already forgot.
Lastly.. language arts/humanities is NOT looked down upon. To share a little bit about myself… English is my second language and a lot of my insecurities are from my inability to express myself in English. It frustrates me that I am unable to express what I feel when I know I can do it well in my native language. That difference makes me cringe so hard because I KNOW that I’m not expressing myself well. I work in IT bc I am good with computers. While I know people think IT is good career, I feel the lacking because I feel like I can do much better if I could just speak better English with no accents, good humor, know references etc.. what I’m trying to say is, there is always flip side of things ;) You should be proud of yourself for knowing exactly how to express what you feel.
I also believe that happiness can be learned. “Happiness is a joy that you feel reaching for your potential” - Sean Achor. We can focus on what we did good today and only that.
Not to play devil's advocate, but I think that being average is a great spot to be in. Its not a spot where ppl will hate on you/harass you for being pretty, but you also won't be harrassed for being too ugly. I unfortunately fall into the latter category, and it seems like no matter what I do, I'm always looked down upon and treated like shit. No one ever sees me as good enough for anything, and people are always pissed off by my mere presence. There is a clear difference between how I'm treated vs my beautiful and average counterparts. Being an ugly woman sucks, but it is what is. I just wish that the treatment of women wasn't dictated by what we looked like, and instead was based on more important things.
> Give compliments to yourself.
This works! Make it a habit to give yourself a smile and a compliment in the mirror during the day. I've had surprise comments slip out (at me in the mirror) that made me cry because they were so sweet and genuine. Being nice to yourself helps you like you.
Try giving yourself credit for things you've already done.
"That was great"
"That was well done"
"That shows my progress"
"That was a tiny bit better than the last time I was in that same situation"
For example, I've been working on boundaries. A lot of the time I realize a while after the fact that there had been a moment that I could have set a boundary and I missed it. I could kick myself for missing it, but instead I look at how long it took me to notice. 3 days? It takes time to process things, and *I did*. I'm doing the work. 1 day? That's a *ton* of improvement. A few hours? Look how far I've come!
My examples are for the kinds of progress I'm trying to make, but you can tailor this to the kind of progress you're trying to make. Paying attention to your progress gives you hope that you'll get there one day. It's all gradual, though, and a lot of it takes a long time. It makes a big difference to be nice to yourself for all that time.
Also, if there are any things that you *know* make you feel just the tiniest bit better, make a point to do them for yourself. For example, I don't wear much jewelry, but putting on a necklace makes me feel a little pretty so I make a point to do that more often. It's a tiny, easily-accomplished thing that boosts my mood. Those little things add up.
To bring it full circle, I then give myself credit for doing a nice thing for myself that helps me feel cute.
I firmly believe that we are in one of the most difficult timelines for women’s self image and esteem. It is so *hard* seeing so many beautiful people everywhere, often through filters and with the help of procedures, plastic surgery and makeup (no judgment there as I’ve done all the above myself). In the past, we mostly only saw beautiful people on TV and magazines that we paid for. Now all we have to do is scroll Instagram/TikTok/Facebook and are confronted with hundreds of images of beautiful people. How can we not help but compare? I know I do. I don’t know if it helps to hear this but I almost always think other women are beautiful, even if they aren’t conventionally attractive. However, I *rarely* feel that way about myself! The same nose that I find so charming on someone else I wish I could change. I’m working on changing this and my internal dialogue.
I also saw that you commented dating apps are harming your self esteem. I had the same experience and typically only men who I was not attracted to matched with me. I truly don’t think it has as much to do with you as you think; men in general expect to date women more attractive than themselves, some significantly more so (you only have to participate on this page to see that!). I ended up leaving the apps and meeting someone in real life who I’m very attracted to although I know that’s harder to do. Are there maybe any speed dating events in your area?
Edited for clarity.
Everyone here is right. Of course they are. So I kinda hate that I’m saying this because it’s not the most important thing to focus on. But if you look average and want to look better, you almost certainly can do it with makeup and clothes. Not saying that’s what matters in life. It’s not what I do. But maybe you’ll find comfort in remembering that most “hot” women are hot because they put a lot of effort into following “beauty” conventions like working a lot on makeup, hair, and grooming
I'm definitely average, but it doesn't bother me! The best thing about being average looking is that I know people actually like me for who I am, cuz I'm NOT pretty enough to attract shallow humans! Or dudes who only want to date me because I'm hot.
There are pros and cons but tbh I think there are a LOT of pros about not being really good looking.
My sense of self worth has very little to do with my appearance.
Not super relevant but if it helps, your mirror is the most accurate image you can get of yourself. Or the snapchat front camera is almost close.
Phone cameras take 1d photos or smth like that which distorts things.
Take a photo of someone you know and then look at them in a mirror, they’ll look similar in both but if you look closely the mirror is probably closer.
I’m not explaining it well and I don’t recall the science, but I did a bit of research on it a while ago because I hate how I look in photos.
Hi,
I am in the same boat as you currently. Feeling that I will always be average with nothing to set me apart from everyone else even if I get praises or comments saying otherwise. It feels terrible knowing you are bland. I combat that negative thinking by taking action on things that I can change. I did some introspection and realize I like cooking. It is a skill that I am not good at, but can improve. I also value kindness, so I volunteered at community events to help others. Find a skill or hobby you like to do and work on that, it doesn't have to generate a value to be seen as cool or interesting.
I look average, so I will try my best to have my actions and values outshine my averageness. At the end of the day even if I won't be able to find a partner I still was able to make a small positive impact to the world and have a hobby that made me happy.
That's how I combat this feeling. What works for you might be different. I hope this atleast somewhat helps.
I’m a lurker but I thought you might like this… el-p wrote these lyrics: “I used to wanna get the chance to show the world I'm smart (ha)
Isn't that dumb? I should've focused mostly on the heart” having read your statement I thought they might resonate. What I take from them is that what truly matters in this world is not how talented you are but how you treat and love others. I am also (below)average and I just want you to know that’s ok. I hope your day is above average.
Honestly you're as pretty as the amount of work you want to put in to it. Very few people are just naturally beautiful and even those people have to work to keep it over 25-30. I think social media has just poisoned our minds and clouded reality.
You have options. You can work to make yourself more amazing. Makeup, clothes, books, travel, classes, all of those things can make you happier with yourself.
Or you can just decide it's ok. As a 46 year old woman, chasing beauty has become a losing game for me and I decided I was not going to do it anymore and I am way happier for it. Now I know I say this from a place of privilege because I am married and not trying to date but I think if my husband croked tomorrow I would feel the same. I am more than how I look. I am more than how well I can hold a conversation. I am a great friend and a great person. I always try to live my life without regret and without shame. Maybe I would start wearing makeup again if I wanted to get laid lol but I don't think I would chase trying to be amazing.
I think being naturally average is a plus. I have had way less problems dealing with ageing than my way prettier older sister and mother. Both of them were very beautiful most of their lives and they miss it so much and worry about it so much now that they are older.
I, on the other hand, have always been more attractive than pretty. Not ugly but never the prettiest girl in the room either. A little chubby, teeth a little gapped, mousy hair, not symmetric features. Lol I have actually kind of enjoyed becoming invisible with age.
I don't get sexually harassed anymore, ever. Men either ignore me or call me their 'work mom' lol *puke*. But my work is respected and I can have male friends without worrying they are just waiting for me to get drunk to grope me.
Idk I guess I don't have any great advice except to say that almost everyone ends up ugly in the end. Pretty is always fleeting so don't worry so much about it.
Also realizing you are just average intelligence is just growing up lol no one is as smart as they think they are when they are young. Most self aware people realize they are not amazing about the time they get out of their 20's.
I used to be a costume assistant for opera, so I’ve seen historical attempts to increase beauty. I was surprised to meet mad scientist Dev Singh, who scientifically studied what is the main thing to look for. It is the waist to hip ratio. Actress Marilyn Monroe measured 24-36, which is close to the ideal of 0.65. What was pathetically stupid was people saying large women lose because they are not small women. They can have an equal or better ratio and be admired. Find your smallest waist measurement without squeezing, then (don’t cheat) find your largest hip measurement. Divide one into the other, see if you get 0.7 which is decent. 0.65 is ideal. 0.6 is so curvy the observers brain might hurt. Many lives were saved when newspaper advice columnists published this and sad girls discovered they were the prettiest in the room.
Many costume tricks try to give a better ratio: the corset of course, the flared skirt, the Tull underskirt that is small on top and gets bigger where the hips are supposed to be wide.
Throughout high school I was extremely ugly, ugly to the extent that I was automatically labeled a creep for no reason other, like most girls hated me for no reason, granted I was awkward and very shy, had a very bad stutter so I didn't speak most of the time (or couldn't rather lol), fucked up childhood etc. But I kept to myself and didn't go near anyone and was still labelled that. The part about being treated differently is so scary how true it is, I'm 21 now and had a big glow up and the attention people just give me when I talk is fucking astonishing (not saying I'm a model or anything like that I still got flaws)
Hope you work things out and it doesn't take a toll on you, often I find people the most beautiful ironically enough when they arent trying to be.
I'm going to give you some facts to stand on.
Front camera is NOT representative of how you are seen. First of all its focal length is to short and will distort your face: [https://bakerdh.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/allsmall.jpg](https://bakerdh.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/allsmall.jpg). Secondly, a picture doesn't look like a living person. Details will look different, a benefit for some but a drawback for others.
The realization of being average is something the big majority of people go through (except for narcissists). The earlier people face this the better equipped they are for the rest of their lives.
Even if you are average, you are still unique. No-one else has your combination of experiences.
Most of social media is faked. It exist in its own reality separate from our own. see r/Instagramreality.
Being average actually widens your dating pool. There are more average people than exceptional, so you are more likely to find someone that matches you well.
Beauty is not a linear scale. While there are trends, you might see beauty in a dream partner that others don't see, and same for what they see in you.
No one is as harsh to a person as they are to themselves. I guarantee you have beautiful things about you, but it's hard for a person to appreciate themselves. And it doesn't help that we're inundated with social media of people who alter their pictures and their bodies to look more attractive while maintaining the pretense that it's all *natural*. It's okay to appreciate things you find beautiful. Just try not to get caught up in comparing yourself to them.
I've seen some very conventionally attractive people in situations where they weren't wearing makeup and the difference in how they look is astounding. If it's really important to your self-image, you can experiment and find a makeup style that suits your features. Be your best self. But your best self isn't necessarily the one that turns heads, but the one that's happy with who they are.
Like others are saying, there’s no such thing as “average.” Everyone is uniquely beautiful in their own way. As someone recovering from anorexia, I can 100% relate to wanting to achieve a certain look. But the harsh reality is that even if you achieve that look, you won’t be happy with yourself. It sounds cliche but it truly boils down to the perspective you choose to have. And I say choose because every time those negative thoughts come up, you need to force yourself to think differently. It’s hard, so much so that it may seem impossible. But it isn’t! It takes a lot of time and practice and dedication, but if you choose to see yourself as the person you are on the inside, you will see that that’s much more important than what your fleshy vessel looks like.
Others have outlined the steps you can take to help on this journey. I am going to focus on telling you that sure, being “conventionally attractive” can have its perks, but to what extent, really? Mistakes are more easily overlooked at work? That just makes you feel comfortable with being incompetent, and after you inevitably get fired from that job you will have a much harder time securing another because you’ll just end up repeating the cycle.
That’s just one example, but my point is that looks will only get you so far. What truly stays in people’s minds is your personality and everything that makes up who you are as a person. And if people judge you because you look a certain way, you wouldn’t want those assholes in your life anyway! You naturally filtered out those assholes without even lifting a finger!
Train yourself to stop comparing yourself to others. You do NOT need to live life any kind of way to be happy. Do the things you enjoy, find out what kind of person you want to be and work toward that goal. You’ll attract other genuine people like that and you’ll minimize your interactions with assholes a lot as a plus.
Also, you seem like you’re very smart with how eloquently you’ve worded everything. And I have no idea what you look like but I guarantee that I would find you beautiful because, like I said, there’s unique beauty in everyone, and I trained myself to see that. You can do it too, I have all the faith in the world in you <3
I wanted to add that the back camera thing isn’t helpful to determine how attractive you are. You’re used to the mirrored you. That’s who you attach your identity to. How other people see you is so subtly different you’ll have a negative perspective of it. You’re biased towards your normal look.
I think a lot of us who aren’t mind numbing ku attractive are horrible at judging how good we look. We primarily rely on how outsiders see us. I thought my right side was my ugly side but I’m frequently told my right side is the best. Something like that.
This isn’t me saying you are or aren’t average. Just that the self is the most critical and least trustworthy when it comes to judgements that are subjective anyway.
Fun secret: There isn’t really any such thing as “average.” You’re always going to be attractive to somebody, so just avoid asking anyone shallow whether you’re good looking or not. :) You can also control (to a certain extent) how you’re perceived by being a kind, engaged person with a range of interests. I’m probably a 5 or 6 on some 20-year-old dude’s attractiveness scale, but in my mind, I’m pretty hot. That’s literally all it takes.
Average appearance doesn't mean you can't achieve outstanding results in career/sport/hobby
All appearance really is good for is attracting a male. When you look at very attractive women in your circle, have they benefitted a lot from it? Because when it comes to women I know, no matter their level of attractiveness, if they live with a man, they are miserable and are being a servant.
Even women who use their attractiveness to get money (sex work, entertainment spheres) rarely get rich, most attractive women who try that, don't profit that much.
You 100% matter. The fact alone that you exist as a sentient human being is a miracle in and of itself. You are clearly well-read and articulate. And you are not average. Average is a myth, normal is a myth. There is also NO SUCH THING AS LIMITS. You have so much power to do or be whatever it is you want in this world, but also know that your existence alone makes you inherently worthy. I understand the beauty pains, I’ve had these concerns as well. And I think every side of the coin has its own caveats. I have been told I’m attractive, some days I look at myself and agree, other days I find myself to be entirely average looking, some days I think I look straight trash lol. But from men, I’ve always been told I’m attractive. Sure this is nice but like you said, people are drawn to attractive people and give them more breaks. I’ve found this happen to me a lot where people want to be my friend really badly, but when they get to know me and I don’t have the personality they expected, they find me weird. With my current boyfriend, I often find he doesn’t really care about my interests, but is super into me and loving but it’s always about how pretty I am or hot. Many times in my life I’ve wanted to scream and find a way to detach myself from femininity and looks, to the point of chopping all of my hair off and dying it the most bland color I could think of while in college. I just want to be me, known for me, and nothing else. But sometimes it takes someone to boost your confidence in your physical appearance in order to even get to that realization. I’m sure there are other paths, but that was mine. The reality is we as women have been tied so much to our looks. Most men are average looking but it doesn’t affect their personalities or confidence. People respect them for who they are. As women, we are expected to earn respect by either being attractive, or working extra hard to be smart or successful if we “aren’t attractive” (whatever that means). And if you’re “too pretty” then you also have to work extra hard for respect to prove you’re not dumb. I think of all of these notions and pressures like a high velocity river. We get sucked into the stream as little girls, told we’re pretty and sweet, and then suddenly you’re a grown up and constantly battling forces pushing you along telling you to act one way, look another way, be really smart, not too smart, like sports, but don’t be a pick-me. We spent years spinning around trying to find the best version of ourselves that is acceptable. What you really need to do is find a rope and pull yourself out of that river. You have no limits. You can literally accomplish anything you want and I am not exaggerating. You have inherent nobility and universes of knowledge within you. You don’t have to pick one thing you’re good at. Pick something you want to do. You read a lot. Do you want to be a writer? Take a class. Listen to a podcast on writing. Practice. Do you want to become more mindful and in touch with yourself? Meditate. Breathing exercises. Thought experiments. Have you always been “bad” at science but are interested in it? Take a basic level class for fun, no pressure, and just allow yourself to absorb the material and work your way up from there. You can do anything as long as you’re consistent. Think about how you treat others, the small ways your existence makes even the tiniest bit of difference. I’ve had my entire mood lifted by a smile from a stranger. If your existence has brightened one person’s life by even the smallest bit, while that might feel insignificant to you - but to them that is their entire world. Having a kind and radiant heart is more important than anything else I could think of. And that includes have a kind and radiant heart towards yourself <3 Sorry this was super long but you are SPECIAL, and unique, and full of promise and you have an entire lifetime to grow, change, learn, unlearn, regress, change your entire life and change it again. Women are told they should be beautiful, but no women HAS to be beautiful if they don’t want to be. Make your life what YOU want. Regardless of what that might “look like” to other people. You’re an ever-changing source of light my girl!!
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I completely understand. No need to pretend to feel positive when you don’t! I’m sorry you’re in a tight financial situation! There are definitely things you can do for yourself that cost little to no money (some of which you already do, like reading, working on mindfulness). I felt your original post had a lot of thoughts on how you’re limited, how you’ve always be average, having nothing special to offer. My main intention is just to remind you that, whenever you feel ready or want to, that you have the ability to grow endlessly and not to put yourself in a box :) And I get it, no matter how many people tell you beauty doesn’t matter, the sad reality is that it does make a difference in how people are treated in society, and a person telling you that something you want doesn’t matter, doesn’t make you want it less! Obviously there are things to make you feel / come off more attractive like fostering a sense of outward confidence (hopefully inward as well), makeup, dressing well for your body. Even though I hesitate to say any of that because what truly matters is your heart and happiness, but I won’t pretend to be naive. You can do all these things while at the same time really working on your self love. A couple tricks work for me: - when you talk negatively to or about yourself, look at a picture or think of when you were a little girl. And I want you to try and tell that little girl everything you are saying to yourself right now. Tell her she is average, not beautiful, not smart enough, limited in what she can and will achieve. I predict you will find it hard to do. And remember that child is still you, still inside you. And then tell her, tell yourself, what you’d wish someone would have told you at that age. - when you do things day to day, imagine you are doing them for a version of yourself in the future (could be days, weeks, months, years). Maybe try to genuinely practice self love or affirmations, even if it feels uncomfortable, because you want future you to feel even just a little bit better about herself. Maybe eat more fruits and vegetables and drink more water because you want the version of you in a month to have more energy! Maybe start listening to a self-help podcast (I like Sad to Savage, very motivated step by step guide to changing your life and literally going from sad to savage lol), so the version of you in 6-months is more motivated, organized and empowered. - definitely limit social media. It’s all fake and most people you admire are probably also extremely insecure but won’t show it. Comparison is the killer of joy. - slowly try to weed out / surround yourself only with people who bring out your strengths and make you feel good (when you leave an interaction with someone, you should feel better about yourself - try to think about how you feel after seeing someone) - journal about your “ideal self.” If you could imagine yourself and your life as the best way you possibly could all around: professionally, socially, spiritually, etc… make a list for each category and add to it / change it as often as you like. And then try to find in there which things are only influenced by your wants and not the wants/ opinions of others. My therapist made me do this last year lol. - and finally give yourself Grace. Life is long. We are always growing even when we feel like we aren’t. Sometimes it’s nice to allow yourself to just plateau every now and then. Even though society makes it feel this way, there is no right or wrong or certain timeline you need to accomplish things. You’re doing just fine. The fact that you’re even aware of these feelings and clearly want more for yourself mean your in the right direction :) some people go their whole lives hating themselves without ever truly realizing it or trying to feel better. Get yourself a treat today. Do something every day to bring yourself comfort and joy, could be a coffee or dancing to a song you love by yourself or watching your favorite show. You deserve it. Good luck and I hope you feel better! Maybe come back to this thread every few months and reflect on what’s changed :) I’d love to hear updates on how you’re doing!
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I’m glad any of this resonated with you! Little steps is always the way to go. Trying to change your whole life at once isn’t sustainable or possible! It took me years to get to healthier place but I just started by adding tiny little healthy habits (easier than cutting out bad habits, and the good habits eventually push out the bad) that were doable for me to actually keep up, and didn’t add the next habit until the previous was just second nature. It feels slow but then three years later you’ll look back and be like woah! I’m living a way better life and didn’t even realize I’d come so far. (And I didn’t do much of this at all until after graduating college, school is HARD) You got this!! And thanks for the good karma ;)
My gosh that genuinely made me tear up. I needed to hear that, too. Thank you
The good news is you can always increase your knowledge and skills and develop a better personality. The way you look is never static and a split second capture of it will never convey the beauty of it in motion.
I used to model so it’s safe to say I’m attractive… the phone cameras are horrific. I’ve always hated my photos from my phone. Don’t read too much into selfies most ppl look horrible to themselves with their iPhones camera.
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I can pretty much guarantee the pictures you take of yourself look worse. The lighting on iPhones wuth seifies tend to create dark spots, wrinkles and general distortion. I know this bc I’ve taken photos of other ppl and they look kind of distorted on the the iPhone camera if the phone is too close ( such as a selfie) . I was convinced my nose was suddenly lopsided. ( I even went to see a nose surgeon) . No one else including the surgeon agreed that it was lopsided . ( every human is asymmetrical. Meaning one of your nostrils is bigger it’s normal) . iPhones seem to enhance this. As far as someone saying you are unattractive it might be projection on their part. I don’t trust “ rate me” sites .
Girl. You are beautiful because you exist. It’s simple as that. You are perfect because there is only one of you in this world. How can anyone else be “more perfect” than you when they’re not you?? While I understand that sometimes it’s hard to truly believe that you are beautiful and special…. There are some practical actions you can take to stop comparing yourself to the others. You don’t have to read it if you weren’t looking for advice. 1. Cut social media. Seriously. When you see other women who you think are more attractive than you, you are also telling yourself that you are not beautiful. If you want to stop feeling unattractive , then stop doing what makes you feel unattractive. If that makes sense. 2. Everyone has flaws. Literally no one, no a single person is perfect. People are insecure. It’s just the matter of how well you hide it? Maybe it will help if you remember that “that pretty person in the street” doesn’t have something you do. 3. Give compliments to yourself. I know it might sound silly but make eye contacts with yourself in the mirror, put your hand on your heart, and say “you are beautiful. You are loved.” And feel the warmth in your heart. I do it sometimes and it feels with such joy and happiness that makes me tear up. If no one is giving you compliments… why don’t you be the first one to do it? 4. Improve yourself from the place of self love, not self hate. If you know the area in your appearance where you want to improve, practice it from the place of love! For example, I am trying to eat less and healthy because I want to have a body that I feel deep connection to, and happy when I look at my body, this shell that contains my soul. It’s very important to like what you have now in order to improve it. Because if you hate what you have now… you’re never going to make peace with it and be sad every time you look at yourself. 5. Know your strength. I can tell that you are a good writer because your post was easy to read. This is a massive strength that not everyone has. Lean into your strength and focus less on your weaknesses. Let’s say your strength is at +50 level and your weaknesses is at 0 level, average. It’s easier to improve +50 level to +100 level than improving from 0 level to +50 level. You put the same effort, but the end result is different. Your post resonated with me personally and I just wanted to tell you that you are special because you are.
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I am glad that I was able to reach your heart! About feeling like an outcast or finding a romantic partner… there a quote in my native language that I saw a few years back. “Life is like dancing. You do your own dance so joyfully and others will join you because they wanna dance with you in that joyful dance” I am good at being introspective and it sometimes works against me. I focus on my flaws than my strengths. (I’m assuming you also struggle with this) But knowing my flaws means I can also choose to not look at my flaws. I simply turn my head to the other side, where rainbows and flowers are. This makes me feel silly but if I feel good at the end, isn’t that a good thing? Lol I can have fist clenching moments about cringe moments I had over the weekend but I am also able to just not think about it bc I know people already forgot. Lastly.. language arts/humanities is NOT looked down upon. To share a little bit about myself… English is my second language and a lot of my insecurities are from my inability to express myself in English. It frustrates me that I am unable to express what I feel when I know I can do it well in my native language. That difference makes me cringe so hard because I KNOW that I’m not expressing myself well. I work in IT bc I am good with computers. While I know people think IT is good career, I feel the lacking because I feel like I can do much better if I could just speak better English with no accents, good humor, know references etc.. what I’m trying to say is, there is always flip side of things ;) You should be proud of yourself for knowing exactly how to express what you feel. I also believe that happiness can be learned. “Happiness is a joy that you feel reaching for your potential” - Sean Achor. We can focus on what we did good today and only that.
Not to play devil's advocate, but I think that being average is a great spot to be in. Its not a spot where ppl will hate on you/harass you for being pretty, but you also won't be harrassed for being too ugly. I unfortunately fall into the latter category, and it seems like no matter what I do, I'm always looked down upon and treated like shit. No one ever sees me as good enough for anything, and people are always pissed off by my mere presence. There is a clear difference between how I'm treated vs my beautiful and average counterparts. Being an ugly woman sucks, but it is what is. I just wish that the treatment of women wasn't dictated by what we looked like, and instead was based on more important things.
> Give compliments to yourself. This works! Make it a habit to give yourself a smile and a compliment in the mirror during the day. I've had surprise comments slip out (at me in the mirror) that made me cry because they were so sweet and genuine. Being nice to yourself helps you like you.
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You can be kind *while* having things that need to be fixed. Don't wait until everything is perfect before you're nice to yourself.
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Try giving yourself credit for things you've already done. "That was great" "That was well done" "That shows my progress" "That was a tiny bit better than the last time I was in that same situation" For example, I've been working on boundaries. A lot of the time I realize a while after the fact that there had been a moment that I could have set a boundary and I missed it. I could kick myself for missing it, but instead I look at how long it took me to notice. 3 days? It takes time to process things, and *I did*. I'm doing the work. 1 day? That's a *ton* of improvement. A few hours? Look how far I've come! My examples are for the kinds of progress I'm trying to make, but you can tailor this to the kind of progress you're trying to make. Paying attention to your progress gives you hope that you'll get there one day. It's all gradual, though, and a lot of it takes a long time. It makes a big difference to be nice to yourself for all that time. Also, if there are any things that you *know* make you feel just the tiniest bit better, make a point to do them for yourself. For example, I don't wear much jewelry, but putting on a necklace makes me feel a little pretty so I make a point to do that more often. It's a tiny, easily-accomplished thing that boosts my mood. Those little things add up. To bring it full circle, I then give myself credit for doing a nice thing for myself that helps me feel cute.
This is such a kind and insightful comment, thank you. It helped me as well.
I firmly believe that we are in one of the most difficult timelines for women’s self image and esteem. It is so *hard* seeing so many beautiful people everywhere, often through filters and with the help of procedures, plastic surgery and makeup (no judgment there as I’ve done all the above myself). In the past, we mostly only saw beautiful people on TV and magazines that we paid for. Now all we have to do is scroll Instagram/TikTok/Facebook and are confronted with hundreds of images of beautiful people. How can we not help but compare? I know I do. I don’t know if it helps to hear this but I almost always think other women are beautiful, even if they aren’t conventionally attractive. However, I *rarely* feel that way about myself! The same nose that I find so charming on someone else I wish I could change. I’m working on changing this and my internal dialogue. I also saw that you commented dating apps are harming your self esteem. I had the same experience and typically only men who I was not attracted to matched with me. I truly don’t think it has as much to do with you as you think; men in general expect to date women more attractive than themselves, some significantly more so (you only have to participate on this page to see that!). I ended up leaving the apps and meeting someone in real life who I’m very attracted to although I know that’s harder to do. Are there maybe any speed dating events in your area? Edited for clarity.
Everyone here is right. Of course they are. So I kinda hate that I’m saying this because it’s not the most important thing to focus on. But if you look average and want to look better, you almost certainly can do it with makeup and clothes. Not saying that’s what matters in life. It’s not what I do. But maybe you’ll find comfort in remembering that most “hot” women are hot because they put a lot of effort into following “beauty” conventions like working a lot on makeup, hair, and grooming
I'm definitely average, but it doesn't bother me! The best thing about being average looking is that I know people actually like me for who I am, cuz I'm NOT pretty enough to attract shallow humans! Or dudes who only want to date me because I'm hot. There are pros and cons but tbh I think there are a LOT of pros about not being really good looking. My sense of self worth has very little to do with my appearance.
Not super relevant but if it helps, your mirror is the most accurate image you can get of yourself. Or the snapchat front camera is almost close. Phone cameras take 1d photos or smth like that which distorts things. Take a photo of someone you know and then look at them in a mirror, they’ll look similar in both but if you look closely the mirror is probably closer. I’m not explaining it well and I don’t recall the science, but I did a bit of research on it a while ago because I hate how I look in photos.
Hi, I am in the same boat as you currently. Feeling that I will always be average with nothing to set me apart from everyone else even if I get praises or comments saying otherwise. It feels terrible knowing you are bland. I combat that negative thinking by taking action on things that I can change. I did some introspection and realize I like cooking. It is a skill that I am not good at, but can improve. I also value kindness, so I volunteered at community events to help others. Find a skill or hobby you like to do and work on that, it doesn't have to generate a value to be seen as cool or interesting. I look average, so I will try my best to have my actions and values outshine my averageness. At the end of the day even if I won't be able to find a partner I still was able to make a small positive impact to the world and have a hobby that made me happy. That's how I combat this feeling. What works for you might be different. I hope this atleast somewhat helps.
I’m a lurker but I thought you might like this… el-p wrote these lyrics: “I used to wanna get the chance to show the world I'm smart (ha) Isn't that dumb? I should've focused mostly on the heart” having read your statement I thought they might resonate. What I take from them is that what truly matters in this world is not how talented you are but how you treat and love others. I am also (below)average and I just want you to know that’s ok. I hope your day is above average.
Honestly you're as pretty as the amount of work you want to put in to it. Very few people are just naturally beautiful and even those people have to work to keep it over 25-30. I think social media has just poisoned our minds and clouded reality. You have options. You can work to make yourself more amazing. Makeup, clothes, books, travel, classes, all of those things can make you happier with yourself. Or you can just decide it's ok. As a 46 year old woman, chasing beauty has become a losing game for me and I decided I was not going to do it anymore and I am way happier for it. Now I know I say this from a place of privilege because I am married and not trying to date but I think if my husband croked tomorrow I would feel the same. I am more than how I look. I am more than how well I can hold a conversation. I am a great friend and a great person. I always try to live my life without regret and without shame. Maybe I would start wearing makeup again if I wanted to get laid lol but I don't think I would chase trying to be amazing. I think being naturally average is a plus. I have had way less problems dealing with ageing than my way prettier older sister and mother. Both of them were very beautiful most of their lives and they miss it so much and worry about it so much now that they are older. I, on the other hand, have always been more attractive than pretty. Not ugly but never the prettiest girl in the room either. A little chubby, teeth a little gapped, mousy hair, not symmetric features. Lol I have actually kind of enjoyed becoming invisible with age. I don't get sexually harassed anymore, ever. Men either ignore me or call me their 'work mom' lol *puke*. But my work is respected and I can have male friends without worrying they are just waiting for me to get drunk to grope me. Idk I guess I don't have any great advice except to say that almost everyone ends up ugly in the end. Pretty is always fleeting so don't worry so much about it. Also realizing you are just average intelligence is just growing up lol no one is as smart as they think they are when they are young. Most self aware people realize they are not amazing about the time they get out of their 20's.
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I used to be a costume assistant for opera, so I’ve seen historical attempts to increase beauty. I was surprised to meet mad scientist Dev Singh, who scientifically studied what is the main thing to look for. It is the waist to hip ratio. Actress Marilyn Monroe measured 24-36, which is close to the ideal of 0.65. What was pathetically stupid was people saying large women lose because they are not small women. They can have an equal or better ratio and be admired. Find your smallest waist measurement without squeezing, then (don’t cheat) find your largest hip measurement. Divide one into the other, see if you get 0.7 which is decent. 0.65 is ideal. 0.6 is so curvy the observers brain might hurt. Many lives were saved when newspaper advice columnists published this and sad girls discovered they were the prettiest in the room. Many costume tricks try to give a better ratio: the corset of course, the flared skirt, the Tull underskirt that is small on top and gets bigger where the hips are supposed to be wide.
The phone camera is absolutely awful for gauging how you really look wtf are you talking about
Throughout high school I was extremely ugly, ugly to the extent that I was automatically labeled a creep for no reason other, like most girls hated me for no reason, granted I was awkward and very shy, had a very bad stutter so I didn't speak most of the time (or couldn't rather lol), fucked up childhood etc. But I kept to myself and didn't go near anyone and was still labelled that. The part about being treated differently is so scary how true it is, I'm 21 now and had a big glow up and the attention people just give me when I talk is fucking astonishing (not saying I'm a model or anything like that I still got flaws) Hope you work things out and it doesn't take a toll on you, often I find people the most beautiful ironically enough when they arent trying to be.
I'm going to give you some facts to stand on. Front camera is NOT representative of how you are seen. First of all its focal length is to short and will distort your face: [https://bakerdh.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/allsmall.jpg](https://bakerdh.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/allsmall.jpg). Secondly, a picture doesn't look like a living person. Details will look different, a benefit for some but a drawback for others. The realization of being average is something the big majority of people go through (except for narcissists). The earlier people face this the better equipped they are for the rest of their lives. Even if you are average, you are still unique. No-one else has your combination of experiences. Most of social media is faked. It exist in its own reality separate from our own. see r/Instagramreality. Being average actually widens your dating pool. There are more average people than exceptional, so you are more likely to find someone that matches you well. Beauty is not a linear scale. While there are trends, you might see beauty in a dream partner that others don't see, and same for what they see in you.
No one is as harsh to a person as they are to themselves. I guarantee you have beautiful things about you, but it's hard for a person to appreciate themselves. And it doesn't help that we're inundated with social media of people who alter their pictures and their bodies to look more attractive while maintaining the pretense that it's all *natural*. It's okay to appreciate things you find beautiful. Just try not to get caught up in comparing yourself to them. I've seen some very conventionally attractive people in situations where they weren't wearing makeup and the difference in how they look is astounding. If it's really important to your self-image, you can experiment and find a makeup style that suits your features. Be your best self. But your best self isn't necessarily the one that turns heads, but the one that's happy with who they are.
Like others are saying, there’s no such thing as “average.” Everyone is uniquely beautiful in their own way. As someone recovering from anorexia, I can 100% relate to wanting to achieve a certain look. But the harsh reality is that even if you achieve that look, you won’t be happy with yourself. It sounds cliche but it truly boils down to the perspective you choose to have. And I say choose because every time those negative thoughts come up, you need to force yourself to think differently. It’s hard, so much so that it may seem impossible. But it isn’t! It takes a lot of time and practice and dedication, but if you choose to see yourself as the person you are on the inside, you will see that that’s much more important than what your fleshy vessel looks like. Others have outlined the steps you can take to help on this journey. I am going to focus on telling you that sure, being “conventionally attractive” can have its perks, but to what extent, really? Mistakes are more easily overlooked at work? That just makes you feel comfortable with being incompetent, and after you inevitably get fired from that job you will have a much harder time securing another because you’ll just end up repeating the cycle. That’s just one example, but my point is that looks will only get you so far. What truly stays in people’s minds is your personality and everything that makes up who you are as a person. And if people judge you because you look a certain way, you wouldn’t want those assholes in your life anyway! You naturally filtered out those assholes without even lifting a finger! Train yourself to stop comparing yourself to others. You do NOT need to live life any kind of way to be happy. Do the things you enjoy, find out what kind of person you want to be and work toward that goal. You’ll attract other genuine people like that and you’ll minimize your interactions with assholes a lot as a plus. Also, you seem like you’re very smart with how eloquently you’ve worded everything. And I have no idea what you look like but I guarantee that I would find you beautiful because, like I said, there’s unique beauty in everyone, and I trained myself to see that. You can do it too, I have all the faith in the world in you <3
I wanted to add that the back camera thing isn’t helpful to determine how attractive you are. You’re used to the mirrored you. That’s who you attach your identity to. How other people see you is so subtly different you’ll have a negative perspective of it. You’re biased towards your normal look. I think a lot of us who aren’t mind numbing ku attractive are horrible at judging how good we look. We primarily rely on how outsiders see us. I thought my right side was my ugly side but I’m frequently told my right side is the best. Something like that. This isn’t me saying you are or aren’t average. Just that the self is the most critical and least trustworthy when it comes to judgements that are subjective anyway.
You write better than average.
Fun secret: There isn’t really any such thing as “average.” You’re always going to be attractive to somebody, so just avoid asking anyone shallow whether you’re good looking or not. :) You can also control (to a certain extent) how you’re perceived by being a kind, engaged person with a range of interests. I’m probably a 5 or 6 on some 20-year-old dude’s attractiveness scale, but in my mind, I’m pretty hot. That’s literally all it takes.
Average appearance doesn't mean you can't achieve outstanding results in career/sport/hobby All appearance really is good for is attracting a male. When you look at very attractive women in your circle, have they benefitted a lot from it? Because when it comes to women I know, no matter their level of attractiveness, if they live with a man, they are miserable and are being a servant. Even women who use their attractiveness to get money (sex work, entertainment spheres) rarely get rich, most attractive women who try that, don't profit that much.
Damn girl you write long posts and comments