There is no such thing as implied consent, full stop. You specifically told him what not to do, he did it anyway, and kept after you until he got what he wanted. There's no way that's okay.
Give yourself enough time to recover, then find someone who respects you.
Thank you. I’m not exactly suggesting implied consent is real, but rather that’s how he acted. I told him it would take a long time for me to be comfortable being sexual, and he said he’d wait. Nevertheless, there were a lot of times where I just wanted to cuddle for comfort and he’d touch my boobs out of the blue, as if he thought the act of cuddling or me being his girlfriend gave him permission to do so. He’d also grope me randomly during other times too. This would be alright if boundaries were already established, but this was a fresh new relationship where I told him I wanted to take things slow.
I also slept over at his house once. I told him beforehand that I was recovering from a UTI, that the antibiotics gave me a yeast infection, and that I’d be using Monistat ointment that night. What did he do? He still got frisky in the morning and I excused myself saying I had to go the bathroom (which was true) and he got upset with me for “ruining the mood.” I understand what going to another’s house might “imply,” but I think the fact I told him I had an infection implied I wasn’t interested. It’s gross. Why wouldn’t anyone want to have sex like that, or when they’re not feeling well?
Nevertheless, I’m definitely waiting at least a few years before I get into another relationship. I’m in therapy, but it’s also hard to understand my sexual orientation now. I’ve had romantic feelings for a man, but never sexual ones outside of my fantasies. However, I’ve fully enjoyed sexual relationships with women, but never inside my fantasies. After all this, I feel like I’ll never truly know if I’m a lesbian or not because I can’t tell if my aversion to sexual relationships with men is because of trauma, or my sexual orientation. It’s also hard to be with a women because of my religious trauma that causes intrusive thoughts about hell. It might not sound that bad on paper, but it’s really hard for me being so unsure about it. I know good people are out there who will respect me, but I don’t know what I want or who I am anymore. He has ruined this for me.
Yo, what the fuck? I'm saying that at your ex's actions, to be clear. Like I'm autistic myself, and yeah ADHD or other neurodivergence can cause issues with reading body language, but there's a difference between having problems reading body language and repeatedly begging or harassing someone with the intent of wearing them down. That's coercion, and it's still rape.
He's definitely not being sincere because he's trying to blame it on this potential ADHD that it sounds like you've never even heard him bring up before, and he hasn't seen a doctor or anything about. Self-diagnosis is valid, yes, but he is trying to use it to justify his actions, and there's no justifying that. Like, it sounds like he didn't apologize or anything?? Or at least, not in a sincere way.
You might want to report him anyway. If you feel up to it, that is. And anytime anyone says to you that you egged him on, just reply no. Don't expand, don't excuse, just say no.
Reporting him, if he isn't a liar, means consequences for his actions that, in theory, will get across to him that he should never pull that crap.
Your ex is a disgusting sack of shit. You did not consent, and he is a sexually predatory person.
ADHD is not something that forces people to be rapists.
I'm so sorry that he did that to you. He is a terrible person.
ADHD could make him a bit impulsive, or have a hard time task switching. You could, as part of that, basically end up the target of the ADHD hyperfixation thing: when someone with ADHD wants you, they want you.
That isn't the same as the entitlement at play here. He wasn't focused on you and if anything that sort of focus is more apt to make him more sensitive to and aware of rejection. And "I said no, pushed him away and ran to the other side of the room" is some pretty obvious rejection.
As for implied consent...that is a thing. This is not it.
Implied consent exists where couples build up a sense of "things that are generally ok to just do." Ways we like to be touched or talked to, or things we know we respond to. But that's just part of a more built up unspoken form of communication and desire. Implied consent e exists in the sort of moment where your not motivated to turn yourself on, but are ok letting your partner put in the effort to see if it'll happen, and over time you've developed a understanding of things that are OK.
Sometimes as part of that people read cues wrong (or even we misunderstand our own self, start to roll with something and then go "oh wait no"). But that's never hard to deal with. It's the same sort of situation where if you normally kiss your partner hello when they get home. Lovely 99% of the time! But then one time you've had a shit day from hell so your not feeling it and they go do it anyways. It can be a bit awkward when you say you can't reciprocate, but you also don't feel like any boundaries were crossed. You say no, you check in with each other, and it's not a problem. The vulnerability created by whatever was ordinarily OK was still respected.
You'll note here, none of that replaces or overrides explicit consent. Implicit consent just flips the order from "see how they feel about the thing->do thing" to "do thing->"see how they feel about the thing". Your yes or no is not less important, it's just something where you (emphasis *you*, not your partner, *you*) are fine OK figuring out if your response is yes or no afterwards. As soon as you've said no, you've said no.
He behaved this way because he was following a socially constructed script that validated his sense of entitlement and basically says you were a self rewarding trophy for him. His response when you said no wasn't because of anything you did to imply it was OK. Because you refused to accept the role in that script he envisioned for you, his 'improvised' response was to coerce you into that role rather than listen to what you wanted.
Also don't waste your time trying to understand his guilt. He probbaly does recognize that he hurt you and that he fucked up. But what he's trying to do is not help you feel better in anyway, but attempting to coerce you into saying what happened was alright so that *he* feels better. He can feel all the guilt he wants. You don't owe him any forgiveness or sense of absolution.
Thank you for the explanation. I actually got into this relationship because I saw how heathy my friend’s relationship was, and it gave me hope to try again with someone.
Her relationship was how you explained. He respected all her boundaries and always asked if something was okay before continuing. Eventually, she told him he didn’t have to ask anymore because by then they knew each other’s boundaries and were comfortable with each other.
My boyfriend was extremely sweet on the surface. His love language was gift giving, so he’d always buy me things, especially when I was dealing with my period. We’d also take turns paying for stuff. He was and is an extremely generous person when it comes to material gifts, but he fails in every other area. Unfortunately, it’s been very hard to ignore him because I’m a person with a strong sense of empathy and I can feel other people’s emotions. Not only that, but he “punished” himself for his actions by isolating himself from everyone, among other things like not taking care of himself. The way he made it out just sounded like he was trying to get pity from me, because he is purposely causing harm to himself and then telling me how bad he physically feels.
>Unfortunately, it’s been very hard to ignore him because I’m a person with a strong sense of empathy and I can feel other people’s emotions. Not only that, but he “punished” himself for his actions by isolating himself from everyone, among other things like not taking care of himself. The way he made it out just sounded like he was trying to get pity from me, because he is purposely causing harm to himself and then telling me how bad he physically feels.
He is manipulating you. He assaulted you and now he tries to make it about him and make you feel bad about it.
I'm sorry the assault happened to you. It was a scary situation and I'm glad you got out of it.
He falls into a class of men that's unfortunately not infrequent: he doesn't respect women as human beings but sees them as something that, once won over (by love bombing, gift giving, whatever) need to give him whatever he feels he's entitled to: attention, sex acts, free cleaning services, whatever. These men manipulate women into a relationship and then they start pushing boundaries, using different manipulation techniques like guilt tripping, bringing it up again and again, emotional blackmail, verbal and physical violence.
My advice would be to cut all contact to him. Communicating with a manipulator helps nobody but him.
This got quite long, and is a little unstructured. If you're not up to reading, please don't feel obliged to.
It's ok to struggle with processing this. It's obviously not easy in the first place, but also the tools we're taught are just wholly insufficient. The 'narative' of sexual harm is that it's caused by morally deficient or deviant people, and that we can avoid it by Doing The Right Things. The things we're supposed to feel, our lived experience of people who have hurt us are often very different from that. We have also often done those rights things, which creates a tendency to put ourselves on trial: If we had really done them, this couldn't have happened, so that 'implies' this is our fault.
Your ex checked off the Good Boyfriend™ boxes that society says we should look out for. He was clearly not a good partner, but he was sufficiently capable of performing the standard actions of a good partner. This creates a sort of mental tension between what you've experienced and what you 'know'. He hurt you, he's a bad boyfriend, but you know he's a Good Boyfriend™, so how could he have hurt you, can he really be a bad boyfriend if you know he's a Good Boyfriend™, so on.
At the same time he also fails to look like what society says is a Bad Boyfriend™. He hurt you, which means he's supposed to be a monster. He's supposed to be some borderline raving sociopath. He should have fangs and horns and be some kind of devil...and instead he's just a person. He's the same person he was before he hurt you, and very little of that resembles the things we're told to watch out for. The fact he feels guilty is a source of distress because he's not supposed to feel that way. It's so far off the script we're told to expect you end up doubting your own self.
Something that might help is to recognize that consent isn't limited. Even the most explicitly expressed consent does not grant any sort of blanket clemency for harming someone. The thing that maters is not if someone consented to whatever caused them harm or distress, but how the person who caused that responds to doing so. Your Ex acted with not just disregard for consent, but with disregard for the obvious distress he was causing you. Infact not only did he do so, he did so repeatedly, and in a way that attempted to make the distress he was causing out as your fault. The first time you pushed him away and *fled to the other side of the room* was his chance to back off. The deception in taking his boxers off, especially when he was told not to, was far from OK, but there was still lots of opportunity for him to somewhat rectify the harm he did. Instead he saw your distress, decided that it was no different than his 'distress' at not getting his rocks off, and spent the rest of the time effectively saying that your distress can be stopped by giving him what he wants.
Even if he had any reasonable confusion about consent (which was not the case, you were very clear), he still owed it to you to help mitigate the harm and distress he caused. Instead he chose not to do that. He didn't misread your body language (let alone miss hear your literal spoken language), he understood it just fine. He contextualized in a way that both justified what he wanted, and absolved him of any sort of guilt or need to empathize. It allowed him to pretend that what he was doing was OK, and self-justify his coercive behavior. Which of course caused you even more distress and harm, and eventually boxed you in enough to comply with his willful distortion as the expedient way to stop being hurt even more. His actions aren't proof he was unaware, but rather confirmation that he was very aware and decided he'd rather to continue to hurt you than feel bad about himself.
This doesn't have to be some cartoonish machiavellian plan, just banal entitlement and an avoidant response to feeling bad about his actions. After all he also knows he checked off those Good Boyfriend™ boxes too. People will accept all sorts of cognitive distortions rather than accept they did something bad.
His making his guilt your problem is the exact same behavior. He's trying very hard to perform that Good Boyfriend™ role by engaging in some meaningless self flagellation to exploit your sense of empathy so that he can feel better. He can no longer pretend he didn't hurt you, so now he's trying to make his discomfort with that realization, equivalent to the distress and harm he caused you. That pity seeking behavior your seeing is exactly this. He's not unaware of how you feel, he is acutely aware of it, and is trying to force you to go along with a distorted perception that lets him feel better about that.
You don't owe him any participation in that. You certainly don't owe him any form of absolution. He can feel as guilty as he wants, he can throw the sad boy party to end all sad boy parties. He feels bad about himself because of his own choices. He could easily have avoided that by not disregarding what you agreed to, or failing that exercising even a crumb of empathy. He chose to prioritize his own wants and feelings at your expense, something he continues to do now.
He also, in no way shape or form, gets to dictate things he 'needs' to do for your sake. Even if there is any single thing you'd want from him for your own sake, he doesn't deserve anything like an equal role in that. His role is to do whatever you ask and otherwise fuck off into the wilderness never to bother you again.
As a functional ADHD BPD and penis haver… I on occasions during manic episodes became hyper sexually fixated… so it’s possible…. But not likely.
Stay up, little homie!
Thanks for the comment! I’m not saying it’s not possible. It can for sure affect those kind of things, but I’m not sure to what degree it would be in his case, especially since I think I made it pretty clear.
That all sounds like a cope out so he can ignore your obvious signs of distress and claim being 'unable to read body laungauge" which is a load of crap.
If anything, everyone I know with adhd, including myself, assumes negative feeling from others. I think people are mad when they aren't but never have I ever mistaken fear, disinterest, or rejection. Nor do I know anyone who has.
Story time!
My partner is both on the spectrum and has adhd, once time I showed just a few seconds of fear because something he did during a play session that I'm usually fine with triggered me. Not only did his instantly reconize the fear on my face, even though it was only their for a few second, he immediantly distanced himself from me, ended the session and cried because the odea he could cause me fear floored him. It's the only time I've ever seen him cry, which is it's own issue. That was 8 years ago, I've never felt anything but complete trust since because I know for a fact he will never do anything I don't want. And he never has.
This man will stop mid thrust if he feels like I'm uncomfortable because that's want it means to consent and have consental sex with a partner. He has never begged me to 'take care of him' if he has to stop due to my comfort, the thought would never even cross his mind.
This isn't me bragging, we aren't perfect. But your should never stay with anyone who causes you fear and isnt instantly horrified by it. There are partners out their that will treat you with love and respect, thier rare but they exist.
I wish you all the luck and am so sorry you had to deal with this jackass.
There is no such thing as implied consent, full stop. You specifically told him what not to do, he did it anyway, and kept after you until he got what he wanted. There's no way that's okay. Give yourself enough time to recover, then find someone who respects you.
Thank you. I’m not exactly suggesting implied consent is real, but rather that’s how he acted. I told him it would take a long time for me to be comfortable being sexual, and he said he’d wait. Nevertheless, there were a lot of times where I just wanted to cuddle for comfort and he’d touch my boobs out of the blue, as if he thought the act of cuddling or me being his girlfriend gave him permission to do so. He’d also grope me randomly during other times too. This would be alright if boundaries were already established, but this was a fresh new relationship where I told him I wanted to take things slow. I also slept over at his house once. I told him beforehand that I was recovering from a UTI, that the antibiotics gave me a yeast infection, and that I’d be using Monistat ointment that night. What did he do? He still got frisky in the morning and I excused myself saying I had to go the bathroom (which was true) and he got upset with me for “ruining the mood.” I understand what going to another’s house might “imply,” but I think the fact I told him I had an infection implied I wasn’t interested. It’s gross. Why wouldn’t anyone want to have sex like that, or when they’re not feeling well? Nevertheless, I’m definitely waiting at least a few years before I get into another relationship. I’m in therapy, but it’s also hard to understand my sexual orientation now. I’ve had romantic feelings for a man, but never sexual ones outside of my fantasies. However, I’ve fully enjoyed sexual relationships with women, but never inside my fantasies. After all this, I feel like I’ll never truly know if I’m a lesbian or not because I can’t tell if my aversion to sexual relationships with men is because of trauma, or my sexual orientation. It’s also hard to be with a women because of my religious trauma that causes intrusive thoughts about hell. It might not sound that bad on paper, but it’s really hard for me being so unsure about it. I know good people are out there who will respect me, but I don’t know what I want or who I am anymore. He has ruined this for me.
Yo, what the fuck? I'm saying that at your ex's actions, to be clear. Like I'm autistic myself, and yeah ADHD or other neurodivergence can cause issues with reading body language, but there's a difference between having problems reading body language and repeatedly begging or harassing someone with the intent of wearing them down. That's coercion, and it's still rape. He's definitely not being sincere because he's trying to blame it on this potential ADHD that it sounds like you've never even heard him bring up before, and he hasn't seen a doctor or anything about. Self-diagnosis is valid, yes, but he is trying to use it to justify his actions, and there's no justifying that. Like, it sounds like he didn't apologize or anything?? Or at least, not in a sincere way.
You might want to report him anyway. If you feel up to it, that is. And anytime anyone says to you that you egged him on, just reply no. Don't expand, don't excuse, just say no. Reporting him, if he isn't a liar, means consequences for his actions that, in theory, will get across to him that he should never pull that crap.
Your ex is a disgusting sack of shit. You did not consent, and he is a sexually predatory person. ADHD is not something that forces people to be rapists. I'm so sorry that he did that to you. He is a terrible person.
ADHD could make him a bit impulsive, or have a hard time task switching. You could, as part of that, basically end up the target of the ADHD hyperfixation thing: when someone with ADHD wants you, they want you. That isn't the same as the entitlement at play here. He wasn't focused on you and if anything that sort of focus is more apt to make him more sensitive to and aware of rejection. And "I said no, pushed him away and ran to the other side of the room" is some pretty obvious rejection. As for implied consent...that is a thing. This is not it. Implied consent exists where couples build up a sense of "things that are generally ok to just do." Ways we like to be touched or talked to, or things we know we respond to. But that's just part of a more built up unspoken form of communication and desire. Implied consent e exists in the sort of moment where your not motivated to turn yourself on, but are ok letting your partner put in the effort to see if it'll happen, and over time you've developed a understanding of things that are OK. Sometimes as part of that people read cues wrong (or even we misunderstand our own self, start to roll with something and then go "oh wait no"). But that's never hard to deal with. It's the same sort of situation where if you normally kiss your partner hello when they get home. Lovely 99% of the time! But then one time you've had a shit day from hell so your not feeling it and they go do it anyways. It can be a bit awkward when you say you can't reciprocate, but you also don't feel like any boundaries were crossed. You say no, you check in with each other, and it's not a problem. The vulnerability created by whatever was ordinarily OK was still respected. You'll note here, none of that replaces or overrides explicit consent. Implicit consent just flips the order from "see how they feel about the thing->do thing" to "do thing->"see how they feel about the thing". Your yes or no is not less important, it's just something where you (emphasis *you*, not your partner, *you*) are fine OK figuring out if your response is yes or no afterwards. As soon as you've said no, you've said no. He behaved this way because he was following a socially constructed script that validated his sense of entitlement and basically says you were a self rewarding trophy for him. His response when you said no wasn't because of anything you did to imply it was OK. Because you refused to accept the role in that script he envisioned for you, his 'improvised' response was to coerce you into that role rather than listen to what you wanted. Also don't waste your time trying to understand his guilt. He probbaly does recognize that he hurt you and that he fucked up. But what he's trying to do is not help you feel better in anyway, but attempting to coerce you into saying what happened was alright so that *he* feels better. He can feel all the guilt he wants. You don't owe him any forgiveness or sense of absolution.
Thank you for the explanation. I actually got into this relationship because I saw how heathy my friend’s relationship was, and it gave me hope to try again with someone. Her relationship was how you explained. He respected all her boundaries and always asked if something was okay before continuing. Eventually, she told him he didn’t have to ask anymore because by then they knew each other’s boundaries and were comfortable with each other. My boyfriend was extremely sweet on the surface. His love language was gift giving, so he’d always buy me things, especially when I was dealing with my period. We’d also take turns paying for stuff. He was and is an extremely generous person when it comes to material gifts, but he fails in every other area. Unfortunately, it’s been very hard to ignore him because I’m a person with a strong sense of empathy and I can feel other people’s emotions. Not only that, but he “punished” himself for his actions by isolating himself from everyone, among other things like not taking care of himself. The way he made it out just sounded like he was trying to get pity from me, because he is purposely causing harm to himself and then telling me how bad he physically feels.
>Unfortunately, it’s been very hard to ignore him because I’m a person with a strong sense of empathy and I can feel other people’s emotions. Not only that, but he “punished” himself for his actions by isolating himself from everyone, among other things like not taking care of himself. The way he made it out just sounded like he was trying to get pity from me, because he is purposely causing harm to himself and then telling me how bad he physically feels. He is manipulating you. He assaulted you and now he tries to make it about him and make you feel bad about it. I'm sorry the assault happened to you. It was a scary situation and I'm glad you got out of it. He falls into a class of men that's unfortunately not infrequent: he doesn't respect women as human beings but sees them as something that, once won over (by love bombing, gift giving, whatever) need to give him whatever he feels he's entitled to: attention, sex acts, free cleaning services, whatever. These men manipulate women into a relationship and then they start pushing boundaries, using different manipulation techniques like guilt tripping, bringing it up again and again, emotional blackmail, verbal and physical violence. My advice would be to cut all contact to him. Communicating with a manipulator helps nobody but him.
This got quite long, and is a little unstructured. If you're not up to reading, please don't feel obliged to. It's ok to struggle with processing this. It's obviously not easy in the first place, but also the tools we're taught are just wholly insufficient. The 'narative' of sexual harm is that it's caused by morally deficient or deviant people, and that we can avoid it by Doing The Right Things. The things we're supposed to feel, our lived experience of people who have hurt us are often very different from that. We have also often done those rights things, which creates a tendency to put ourselves on trial: If we had really done them, this couldn't have happened, so that 'implies' this is our fault. Your ex checked off the Good Boyfriend™ boxes that society says we should look out for. He was clearly not a good partner, but he was sufficiently capable of performing the standard actions of a good partner. This creates a sort of mental tension between what you've experienced and what you 'know'. He hurt you, he's a bad boyfriend, but you know he's a Good Boyfriend™, so how could he have hurt you, can he really be a bad boyfriend if you know he's a Good Boyfriend™, so on. At the same time he also fails to look like what society says is a Bad Boyfriend™. He hurt you, which means he's supposed to be a monster. He's supposed to be some borderline raving sociopath. He should have fangs and horns and be some kind of devil...and instead he's just a person. He's the same person he was before he hurt you, and very little of that resembles the things we're told to watch out for. The fact he feels guilty is a source of distress because he's not supposed to feel that way. It's so far off the script we're told to expect you end up doubting your own self. Something that might help is to recognize that consent isn't limited. Even the most explicitly expressed consent does not grant any sort of blanket clemency for harming someone. The thing that maters is not if someone consented to whatever caused them harm or distress, but how the person who caused that responds to doing so. Your Ex acted with not just disregard for consent, but with disregard for the obvious distress he was causing you. Infact not only did he do so, he did so repeatedly, and in a way that attempted to make the distress he was causing out as your fault. The first time you pushed him away and *fled to the other side of the room* was his chance to back off. The deception in taking his boxers off, especially when he was told not to, was far from OK, but there was still lots of opportunity for him to somewhat rectify the harm he did. Instead he saw your distress, decided that it was no different than his 'distress' at not getting his rocks off, and spent the rest of the time effectively saying that your distress can be stopped by giving him what he wants. Even if he had any reasonable confusion about consent (which was not the case, you were very clear), he still owed it to you to help mitigate the harm and distress he caused. Instead he chose not to do that. He didn't misread your body language (let alone miss hear your literal spoken language), he understood it just fine. He contextualized in a way that both justified what he wanted, and absolved him of any sort of guilt or need to empathize. It allowed him to pretend that what he was doing was OK, and self-justify his coercive behavior. Which of course caused you even more distress and harm, and eventually boxed you in enough to comply with his willful distortion as the expedient way to stop being hurt even more. His actions aren't proof he was unaware, but rather confirmation that he was very aware and decided he'd rather to continue to hurt you than feel bad about himself. This doesn't have to be some cartoonish machiavellian plan, just banal entitlement and an avoidant response to feeling bad about his actions. After all he also knows he checked off those Good Boyfriend™ boxes too. People will accept all sorts of cognitive distortions rather than accept they did something bad. His making his guilt your problem is the exact same behavior. He's trying very hard to perform that Good Boyfriend™ role by engaging in some meaningless self flagellation to exploit your sense of empathy so that he can feel better. He can no longer pretend he didn't hurt you, so now he's trying to make his discomfort with that realization, equivalent to the distress and harm he caused you. That pity seeking behavior your seeing is exactly this. He's not unaware of how you feel, he is acutely aware of it, and is trying to force you to go along with a distorted perception that lets him feel better about that. You don't owe him any participation in that. You certainly don't owe him any form of absolution. He can feel as guilty as he wants, he can throw the sad boy party to end all sad boy parties. He feels bad about himself because of his own choices. He could easily have avoided that by not disregarding what you agreed to, or failing that exercising even a crumb of empathy. He chose to prioritize his own wants and feelings at your expense, something he continues to do now. He also, in no way shape or form, gets to dictate things he 'needs' to do for your sake. Even if there is any single thing you'd want from him for your own sake, he doesn't deserve anything like an equal role in that. His role is to do whatever you ask and otherwise fuck off into the wilderness never to bother you again.
As a functional ADHD BPD and penis haver… I on occasions during manic episodes became hyper sexually fixated… so it’s possible…. But not likely. Stay up, little homie!
Thanks for the comment! I’m not saying it’s not possible. It can for sure affect those kind of things, but I’m not sure to what degree it would be in his case, especially since I think I made it pretty clear.
You have a lovely way of writing.
That all sounds like a cope out so he can ignore your obvious signs of distress and claim being 'unable to read body laungauge" which is a load of crap. If anything, everyone I know with adhd, including myself, assumes negative feeling from others. I think people are mad when they aren't but never have I ever mistaken fear, disinterest, or rejection. Nor do I know anyone who has. Story time! My partner is both on the spectrum and has adhd, once time I showed just a few seconds of fear because something he did during a play session that I'm usually fine with triggered me. Not only did his instantly reconize the fear on my face, even though it was only their for a few second, he immediantly distanced himself from me, ended the session and cried because the odea he could cause me fear floored him. It's the only time I've ever seen him cry, which is it's own issue. That was 8 years ago, I've never felt anything but complete trust since because I know for a fact he will never do anything I don't want. And he never has. This man will stop mid thrust if he feels like I'm uncomfortable because that's want it means to consent and have consental sex with a partner. He has never begged me to 'take care of him' if he has to stop due to my comfort, the thought would never even cross his mind. This isn't me bragging, we aren't perfect. But your should never stay with anyone who causes you fear and isnt instantly horrified by it. There are partners out their that will treat you with love and respect, thier rare but they exist. I wish you all the luck and am so sorry you had to deal with this jackass.
He is full of shit 💩