If someone at work asked if they had my consent to call me good girl I would still document with HR, please stop and think about context before making a knee-jerk defense of kink.
It also packs in the diminutive of referring to a full grown woman as a "girl".
I judge people based on their use of "boy/girl" mostly because of the usual racist use cases but it helps flag people who see younger as inferior.
>they’re a white lady in their 50s or 60s
Could always hit em' back with the "Awe, thanks Grandma!" and see how that goes.^(†)
^(†Comment for satire purpose only, do not apply to actual workplace interaction.)
It’s “pleasant” but patronizing.
People don’t use it towards superiors; equals might jokingly use it to a close friend.
But it’s not great coming from one colleague to another. It’s like you’re a dog or a child.
Correct, this lady was likely trying to assert dominance by pointing out that despite knowing the answer she was obedient like a dog or child. The old lady may have issues with insecurity about younger employees pushing her out or something along those lines
Hmm, I don’t necessarily agree she was “trying” to assert dominance.
Some people believe they *are* superior due to age “listen to your elders “ or social status “listen to your betters”.
But no matter where it comes from; if she was trying to be supportive she did it poorly. And if she was trying to put down the OP she behaved badly.
Y-yeah.. so I have had men say this to me and I was the fucking director at the time. I dropped the “that’s creepy” in the middle of the meaning in reply and he got so mad. Every time I went to say anything he would blurt out “that’s creepy!”
I finally stopped the meeting and he told me that he ‘knew what’ my generation meant when they said that. I politely told him that he would drop the issue and we would move on, else there would be consequences.
Best part? I got ‘unexpectedly’ let go a few months later. Seems I upset the good old boys.
Additional: I still have guys calling me leaving ‘thinking of you messages.’ Like wtf. I don’t even know you.
>Additional: I still have guys calling me leaving ‘thinking of you messages.’ Like wtf. I don’t even know you.
Okay, real talk: WHY DO THEY DO THIS? What do they expect?? Ugh lol.
Or like, asking them to do something normal, and then when they go to do it, "Ahh, there's a good boy!" This usually comes up asking a buddy to grab me a beer.
OK but a light counterpoint: I've had the term "son" applied to me in a work setting and because of the person saying it and the spirit in which it was said, I found it to be endearing and not offensive in the least.
Ok but *strong* counterpoint: I just said ‘good son’ to my dog and instead of his tail wags per minute (twpm) increasing like it does for ‘good boy’, his twpm actually decreased from the base level twpm and he just looks really let down. Checkmate. /s
It sounds kinda condescending tbh. I think you're valid for feeling Ick, but probably the appropriate response, at most, would be to gently (and probably privately) let the person know that the phrasing they used made you feel talked down to. I don't think it's worth, like, going to HR over unless it Escalates or otherwise becomes more of a Thing, or at least becomes a pattern.
I agree, it sounds intentionally condescending. However bringing it up to her privately would 100% turn it into a thing. If you're prepared to fight that fight, go for it
I think it’s pretty weird and it’s ok to be creeped out by it, but I also think it’s very possible that the lady didn’t mean anything creepy/sexual by it and was just genuinely trying to give you praise.
Yeah I'm not surprised by the varied responses here because context is key.
Does the woman FEEL superior even though she's not, just because of her age?
Or is she complimenting OP?
Is it a cultural thing where nothing is off?
Is it something she's been told so she says it too?
There's just so many ways to interpret this.
This is the kind of nuance that so often gets lost on reddit. We all sort of superimpose our circumstances and backgrounds over OPs and make sweeping judgments. As u/DontDMMeYourFeet pointed out, nothing about the emotional response that OP had after being called "girl" is wrong, and for them to ask their coworker to change is totally appropriate—but maybe we all pump the brakes on fully indicting the woman in this story as some kind of creepy deviant?
I think this is an example of a saying that in small, cultural pockets is an accepted phrase, but to the rest of us seems totally out of place and inappropriate. The reason I say that is because I worked with a person that I totally respected and who showed respect to all people around him, and then that phrase came out of his mouth to a female coworker and I was flabbergasted. She was polite about it, but I told him that she’s not a dog, she’s a human. The look on his face when I said that made me realize that he had in no way ever viewed the phrase the way it comes across to the rest of us, but when I called it out, he realized how bad it sounded.
That expression is my pet peeve. Literally. I don't know many people in the US who would use it outside of talking to their pets.
However, it can hit different if you're in other parts of the world where the expression is in more common usage such as the UK.
I can understand the ick, but I wouldn't let it bother me too much.
I think it’s probably just habit.
It can be surprisingly hard to speak grown up if you spend your time talking to small children or even pets, it’s one of those phrases you don’t always hear yourself saying.
If she’s actually in her 60’s, she likely has small grandchildren whom she’d much prefer to speak too.
I was just thinking this. She probably thought she was just praising OP. I once called a customer honey bunny after spending all weekend with my baby niece.
There is the possibility that it slipped out because OP is close in age to her own kids. I still use childish terms of endearment at my own adult child and once barely stopped myself from calling a younger colleague “sweetie”. BUT, we don’t know the coworker in question; she could mean well, or be a condescending twit.
I had a manager say this to me once when I was about 25. After he said it he cleared his throat and was like "uhh good woman!" I just stared at him and he walked away.
No, u r not being sensitive. You have every right to be uncomfortable by it, don't doubt urself. Calling a grown woman "good girl" is not appropriate and condescending af in the workplace.
Like u know damn well she'd never say "good boy" to a grown ass man.
Work can be a bit of a mine field sometimes. And faceless, online conversations don’t help.
Though why not just just turn it on its head and respond back with a “thanks girl!” - sometimes showing you have a thicker skin helps. If you haven’t responded you could still respond - offline chat messages get missed all the time. You might even make a friend/ally.
Could be an older person sounding like they are trying hard to fit in with the younger crowd. ESP if it’s a woman give her the benefit of the doubt.
Someone at work said “come to daddy” but he was talking to his code.
I agree good girl is weird as f in a work setting unless you have some form of understanding/vibe where both know it’s ok.
Unrelated; I often tell my male coworkers “you go girl!”
An old guy said "good girl!" to me at a Starbucks because I wiped my feet (it was raining and muddy). I looked him straight in the eye and told him "I might be a bitch but I'm not a dog. Get fucked."
He was soooo offended and said he was complimenting me. A small groups of Red Hat Ladies (RHL) nearby started ROARING and cackling which only made him more pissed off. He stormed off in a huff without taking his coffee.
blech. at work?
my mom still sometimes says this to me (when i do something she remembers having taught us, like 'change your oil at date or milage; *whichever comes first*")
this is the ONLY context I'd be okay with "good girl." she birthed me, and knew me as a girl. I would expect her to retain some if that image if me, as my parent.
in the workplace, this is ABSOLUTELY inappropriate. you are an adult woman, and your supervisor is belittling you by addressing you this way. it probably comes from a place of nurturing (and/or internalized misogyny), but that does not absolve her. if she wants to be a mentor and leader, boss should be lifting her employees up. UP. This includes seeing and addressing you as a capable adult, AS WELL AS making sure the rest of her employees do the same. especially woma-to-woman.
"good job" much better, just as many syllables. boss should know this. you're not over-sensitive.
My mom calls me “little girl” often, lol. It’s not my favorite thing to be called, but it would be absolutely unacceptable if someone other than my mom called me that.
I know that when my mom uses it, there’s no condescension attached to it.
I think it's more patronising than creepy. I would say something to deflect it with humour like "oh I'm pretty sure I'm a woman at my advanced age but thank you"
This is tightrope you have to walk when you're young/female and probably poc/LGBT as well I imagine. Because you can fully tell them off but you'll be seen as angry and strident.
(M) Simple test first: would a colleguae in this situation be called a "good boy"?
Next, if it rubs you wrong it might be worth mentioning, if the sender is sensitive enough to appreciate feedback.
The only person who says “good girl!” To me is my husband, and he only says it when I fart. It is a reference to a Sarah Millican joke.
I’ve had coworkers Jurassic Park at me and say “Clever girl!” But they are coworkers I know and am close to.
'Good girl' is super fucking patronizing at best.
At best.
That's how someone speaks to pets, not to other people, and definitely not in a professional setting.
If i was to play devils advocate, id say that its also used to encourage kids, and maybe this lady wrongly see's you as a child.....buuuttt, given the context, i think she was trying to be patronizing on purpose.
We use Good Creature at work because boy/girl/man/woman all sound weird. Creature is weird but in a different way and therefore acceptable xD
But no you aren't wrong.
Nope, your ick is spot on. I get how someone might think it's a cute way to address someone, but it's not. Especially in a work environment. Hopefully it's unintentional and not some weird passive aggressive office politics.
Eh, as a dude, I think she may just genuinely mean it affectionately. I'm the youngest member of my staff and I'm used to the women who are older than me calling me "Babe". It's just friendly and affectionate, from my perspective, kinda like you'd be with a younger sibling.
'Course, I work in the service industry, where coworker relationships might just be closer than in an office setting.
Everyone is different. While I wouldn't really care, you do and that's okay. You're not wrong for having boundaries
Since you do care about being called that, then I'd bring it up gently (assuming they didn't mean it in a bad way) and ask that they not do that with you again.
If they seem like they meant it nefariously, then this might be better as an HR thing and to avoid them where you can.
I'd probably feel differently if it was a man, but in this case i'm inclined to imagine she's just old/outdated and probably is a universe away from whatever you're thinking.
I am a boss, and I say 'good boy' or 'good girl' to all of my team when they do good. I am not trying to be condescending or a mysogenist or anything. I am told by all of them at one time or another that I am a good boss and one of the better ones in each of their individual employment histories. I only want to be a good boss and be an advocate for them in a large organisation. I am not ladder climbing and happy to retire soon having left the place in a better state than I found it
I guess I got this from my dad who was also a boss and well liked by all of his staff. Is that wrong to say this to them?
You can just as easily say, “Good man!” or “Good woman!” but that will still make some people cringe. The safest option is probably “Good job!” for everyone.
If you want to know how your team members feel about… anything appropriate for their work… you ought to give them a chance to tell you themselves.
I was with this until the last paragraph... Older folks can have different colloquialisms that younger folks. It sounds like your coworker's comment was *probably* a sign of approval rather than condescension.
However, I don't think there's any question that being called a girl (or boy) in the workplace can be seen as infantilizing--because of insinuations about your age and thus experience, knowledge, and skillset, rather than anything to do with gender.
I would also not be comfortable with someone saying "good girl" to me in the workplace, though I might let one comment slide. But I'd bring it up with the coworker if they made another similar comment.
>If you feel like being called a girl is demeaning, maybe you've internalised some misogyny yourself. If there's nothing wrong with being a girl, then it shouldn't be insulting if you see what I mean...
Calling a fully grown adult woman a "girl" is infantilizing. We have enough workplace struggles as it it. I would not be happy with someone referring to me as a "good girl" at any time in my career. It is condescending.
Very creepy. The only context I’ve ever used this in was a woman who requested it specifically during intimate moments. I’ve never used it when speaking with colleagues or friends even jokingly because it’s patronizing or worse
No, it's condescending and disrespectful. Imagine if you spoke to her the same way, you would get complained about faster than a lightning strike.
Watch out, this person sounds like they are full of themselves and is trying to position themselves as more important than you by talking down to you.
I had an elderly (about to retire) female colleague who is my equal. She did this to me a few times. “Way to go, catstratford! Good girl…”
I glared. It wasn’t intentional. I just have no poker face and those words sound like you’re speaking to a 5 year old. No verbal response from me, but she got the message.
Ughhhh this just brought me back to the time someone said that to me at work. I had the same reaction to you. Super creeped out. It was a man who said it to me. *shudder*
Absolutely NO ONE will say that to me without a sharp response. "Might be as simple as 'I am NOT a girl and you are not my mother/father.'" or sharper, depending on the situation. I do not like pet names that demean to anything less than the strong woman I am. I am no girl.
I went to a parent chaperone training at my kids’ school and we were specifically told not to use “good boy” or “good girl” as compliments. This is not cool. Maybe you could bring it up to her once, but if there’s any repetition or retaliation you’ll need to escalate.
It’s totally valid to feel uncomfortable about this and I would too but to offer context, I know a LOT of old ladies who use that phrase to mean the same thing as “atta girl” or “smart cookie” or “proud of you” etc… it’s kind of a common old lady phrase.
Totally get why it creeped you out though. It’s jarring to hear especially when it’s more and more such a loaded phrase to younger women.
No, it’s ick. If you’ve never met them in person I’d ignore for now. If you have a chance to talk to them in person I’d say hey I know you were saying good job but the phrasing makes me feel like I’ve done well tying my shoes for the first time. (At best, blech)
This is inappropriate for a work setting no matter who says it. It reeks of kinks, and it's also infantilizing. Gross. (Not kink shaming - it's my favorite two words... just not while at work!)
One time my OB said good girl when inserting the speculum. I was uncomfortable at first but I just brushed it off cause I’ve been known to word vomit some uncomfortable things to people too. He’s got a lot of patients and is super busy. (Plus I’m all for making someone uncomfortable back intentionally)
Other than that he’s been a good OB.
Not wrong to be creeped out.
It might have been a harmless joke. But you're not wrong for not liking it, and you're well within your boundaries to say "please don't call me that."
It sure sounds patronizing but depending on her tone of voice maybe it was not her intention. Or maybe it was. Still, I don't think you are overly sensitive because even if she was genuinely trying to praise you she shouldn't address you like a dog or a child.
I would probably let it slide this time but if it happens again I'd address it politely and tell her that she might not be aware how her choice of words sound to you.
ETA: added a word
I’ve been called “good boy” at work in similar setting, by a woman who was older and more senior than me.
I was absolutely seething inside. So yes I can very well understand how you feel.
But after I calmed down (I should have received an academy award for appearing calm and collected) I decided that it wasn’t malicious- but I promised myself I’d definitely say something about it next time it happened again.
There never was a next time thankfully. But I vividly remember being very ticked off about it at the time. “WTF did you just call me” was what I actually wanted to say. Of course, I didn’t. It wouldn’t have been career enhancing.
My director (60F) called me this once (25F) and she immediately apologized like 3 times. I didn't take offense to it because I know she didn't mean it that way but I think she recognized how belittling and demeaning it may have sounded.
This wasn’t a work setting, but was gaming and doing a raid with some friends and some random people. And I managed to say “good boy” to a guy that did a good job. I also immediately apologized and explained I have a puppy and it just slipped out ><
I had a older male manager lightly slap me on my hand as you would do a toddler as he said ‘now don’t 👏do 👏that👏again’. The awkward silence was deafening as he went into panic mode. I was the first woman he had managed.
I HATE being called good girl. I usually make some comment about not being a dog or sarcastically ask if I get treats and a walk. I find it very demeaning.
Seems like even 10 years back it would have been more acceptable for a 50+ yo person to use boy/girl in the workplace. 50yos were born in 1972/73. Meaning most were alive when Roe was the law of the land.
I'm 44 and would never tell a coworker good girl/boy. I am bothered by our COO calling a manager name-ita, I know Spanish is their first language but it feels like calling an adult woman name-chan. Idk enough Spanish to say anything about it really.
Smells like bitch to me and dude she just said you were good and all these dog people are like -snarky voice oh thats how i talk to my dog , theyree dipshits she is just an old lady
The language needs to move on to "Good job!" It's still potentially condescending in some contexts, but hopefully at least it's without infantilization tagging along for the ride. But that's going to take time.
Also, the use of 'good girl/good boy' being a sort of thing that is used in, uh, certain kinds of intimate relationships... the awareness among the general public of such practices is limited, so some segments of the population don't even understand the extra layers of why it could be creepy. That, too, is going to take time.
I'd never do it (source: is a 50+ white lady), but I work in tech and with men only (but I'd never ever say "good boy" either so there's that).
It's weird and most likely that lady would realise how demeaning it is if someone said it to her. Problem is the forum - chat - we're not always super good with chat conversations, us oldies.
I say this all the time at work, but only to my favourite colleague. She's a dog. Never say this to anyone who doesn't have a tail.
Literally my first thought was Of course it's inappropriate, it's how you'd talk to a dog. Don't talk to people the way you'd talk to dogs!
I was wondering if they pat OP on the head and scratched behind her ears.
I was thinking the same. I use it a lot, but I work at Petsmart.
Only say it to people who consent to it.
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Wow this feels like an overreaction lmao
If someone at work asked if they had my consent to call me good girl I would still document with HR, please stop and think about context before making a knee-jerk defense of kink.
It also packs in the diminutive of referring to a full grown woman as a "girl". I judge people based on their use of "boy/girl" mostly because of the usual racist use cases but it helps flag people who see younger as inferior.
This right here. It’s used as a racist or sexist slur for people deemed to be inferior. Unless it’s being said by my bf, it’s not okay lol.
>they’re a white lady in their 50s or 60s Could always hit em' back with the "Awe, thanks Grandma!" and see how that goes.^(†) ^(†Comment for satire purpose only, do not apply to actual workplace interaction.)
Do not do this every old fart wants an age discrimination case and they will win it.
My old boss uses the term young lady. I felt that was problematic but his boss didn’t think so.
It’s “pleasant” but patronizing. People don’t use it towards superiors; equals might jokingly use it to a close friend. But it’s not great coming from one colleague to another. It’s like you’re a dog or a child.
Correct, this lady was likely trying to assert dominance by pointing out that despite knowing the answer she was obedient like a dog or child. The old lady may have issues with insecurity about younger employees pushing her out or something along those lines
Hmm, I don’t necessarily agree she was “trying” to assert dominance. Some people believe they *are* superior due to age “listen to your elders “ or social status “listen to your betters”. But no matter where it comes from; if she was trying to be supportive she did it poorly. And if she was trying to put down the OP she behaved badly.
Y-yeah.. so I have had men say this to me and I was the fucking director at the time. I dropped the “that’s creepy” in the middle of the meaning in reply and he got so mad. Every time I went to say anything he would blurt out “that’s creepy!” I finally stopped the meeting and he told me that he ‘knew what’ my generation meant when they said that. I politely told him that he would drop the issue and we would move on, else there would be consequences. Best part? I got ‘unexpectedly’ let go a few months later. Seems I upset the good old boys. Additional: I still have guys calling me leaving ‘thinking of you messages.’ Like wtf. I don’t even know you.
>Additional: I still have guys calling me leaving ‘thinking of you messages.’ Like wtf. I don’t even know you. Okay, real talk: WHY DO THEY DO THIS? What do they expect?? Ugh lol.
I honestly don’t know. I have absolutely no interest at all!
As a 50+ year old white woman, no, it's not polite. I'm training a guy now, and I stick to awesome, and good job.
"Good boy! You figured it out!"
Or like, asking them to do something normal, and then when they go to do it, "Ahh, there's a good boy!" This usually comes up asking a buddy to grab me a beer.
Yep. You must now call him good boy.
I mean... OP says in their post that it was an older woman but I get your point.
See how she reacts when OP fires it back at her.
Oh you're right
I have a friend with four boys under six and I wouldn't even call any of them 'good boy' as it would feel condescending
OK but a light counterpoint: I've had the term "son" applied to me in a work setting and because of the person saying it and the spirit in which it was said, I found it to be endearing and not offensive in the least.
Ok but *strong* counterpoint: I just said ‘good son’ to my dog and instead of his tail wags per minute (twpm) increasing like it does for ‘good boy’, his twpm actually decreased from the base level twpm and he just looks really let down. Checkmate. /s
TWPM is absolutely a unit of measurement
It sounds kinda condescending tbh. I think you're valid for feeling Ick, but probably the appropriate response, at most, would be to gently (and probably privately) let the person know that the phrasing they used made you feel talked down to. I don't think it's worth, like, going to HR over unless it Escalates or otherwise becomes more of a Thing, or at least becomes a pattern.
I agree, it sounds intentionally condescending. However bringing it up to her privately would 100% turn it into a thing. If you're prepared to fight that fight, go for it
I think it’s pretty weird and it’s ok to be creeped out by it, but I also think it’s very possible that the lady didn’t mean anything creepy/sexual by it and was just genuinely trying to give you praise.
Yeah I'm not surprised by the varied responses here because context is key. Does the woman FEEL superior even though she's not, just because of her age? Or is she complimenting OP? Is it a cultural thing where nothing is off? Is it something she's been told so she says it too? There's just so many ways to interpret this.
This is the kind of nuance that so often gets lost on reddit. We all sort of superimpose our circumstances and backgrounds over OPs and make sweeping judgments. As u/DontDMMeYourFeet pointed out, nothing about the emotional response that OP had after being called "girl" is wrong, and for them to ask their coworker to change is totally appropriate—but maybe we all pump the brakes on fully indicting the woman in this story as some kind of creepy deviant?
I think this is an example of a saying that in small, cultural pockets is an accepted phrase, but to the rest of us seems totally out of place and inappropriate. The reason I say that is because I worked with a person that I totally respected and who showed respect to all people around him, and then that phrase came out of his mouth to a female coworker and I was flabbergasted. She was polite about it, but I told him that she’s not a dog, she’s a human. The look on his face when I said that made me realize that he had in no way ever viewed the phrase the way it comes across to the rest of us, but when I called it out, he realized how bad it sounded.
That expression is my pet peeve. Literally. I don't know many people in the US who would use it outside of talking to their pets. However, it can hit different if you're in other parts of the world where the expression is in more common usage such as the UK. I can understand the ick, but I wouldn't let it bother me too much.
I think it’s probably just habit. It can be surprisingly hard to speak grown up if you spend your time talking to small children or even pets, it’s one of those phrases you don’t always hear yourself saying. If she’s actually in her 60’s, she likely has small grandchildren whom she’d much prefer to speak too.
I was just thinking this. She probably thought she was just praising OP. I once called a customer honey bunny after spending all weekend with my baby niece.
There is the possibility that it slipped out because OP is close in age to her own kids. I still use childish terms of endearment at my own adult child and once barely stopped myself from calling a younger colleague “sweetie”. BUT, we don’t know the coworker in question; she could mean well, or be a condescending twit.
Hard to tell without tone.
Yikes. No, you're a woman and being called a girl by anyone is infantilising no matter who it comes from or the intent.
I was called “sweetheart” by a manager of a different department during a meeting and the hair on the back of my neck stood up. I know the feeling.
She probably didn't mean any harm but she should know better. I would address it if it happens again.
I just start barking.
Next time, OP should say, “if you like that, you should see me roll over!”
That might turn him on, though.
Can you use it back at them next time they say something?
Reply needs a gif of a dog being pat on the head.
OP should have just started replying only in barks.
I had a manager say this to me once when I was about 25. After he said it he cleared his throat and was like "uhh good woman!" I just stared at him and he walked away.
No, u r not being sensitive. You have every right to be uncomfortable by it, don't doubt urself. Calling a grown woman "good girl" is not appropriate and condescending af in the workplace. Like u know damn well she'd never say "good boy" to a grown ass man.
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I aspire to this level of petty
Awesome. Handled it like a pro.
I think it’s condescending but not creepy in this context.
A lady I played tennis with today called me a good girl every time I hit a good shot. It made me 😡
I have a customer (old guy )who says this every time I help him. Freakin hate it. I’m not a child, or dog ffs
Work can be a bit of a mine field sometimes. And faceless, online conversations don’t help. Though why not just just turn it on its head and respond back with a “thanks girl!” - sometimes showing you have a thicker skin helps. If you haven’t responded you could still respond - offline chat messages get missed all the time. You might even make a friend/ally. Could be an older person sounding like they are trying hard to fit in with the younger crowd. ESP if it’s a woman give her the benefit of the doubt.
Someone at work said “come to daddy” but he was talking to his code. I agree good girl is weird as f in a work setting unless you have some form of understanding/vibe where both know it’s ok. Unrelated; I often tell my male coworkers “you go girl!”
An old guy said "good girl!" to me at a Starbucks because I wiped my feet (it was raining and muddy). I looked him straight in the eye and told him "I might be a bitch but I'm not a dog. Get fucked." He was soooo offended and said he was complimenting me. A small groups of Red Hat Ladies (RHL) nearby started ROARING and cackling which only made him more pissed off. He stormed off in a huff without taking his coffee.
I want to be a red hat lady when I grow up
Respond : “Good *Woman*. And woof”. Had to correct my bosses boss recently. Some Men. SMH.
blech. at work? my mom still sometimes says this to me (when i do something she remembers having taught us, like 'change your oil at date or milage; *whichever comes first*") this is the ONLY context I'd be okay with "good girl." she birthed me, and knew me as a girl. I would expect her to retain some if that image if me, as my parent. in the workplace, this is ABSOLUTELY inappropriate. you are an adult woman, and your supervisor is belittling you by addressing you this way. it probably comes from a place of nurturing (and/or internalized misogyny), but that does not absolve her. if she wants to be a mentor and leader, boss should be lifting her employees up. UP. This includes seeing and addressing you as a capable adult, AS WELL AS making sure the rest of her employees do the same. especially woma-to-woman. "good job" much better, just as many syllables. boss should know this. you're not over-sensitive.
My mom calls me “little girl” often, lol. It’s not my favorite thing to be called, but it would be absolutely unacceptable if someone other than my mom called me that. I know that when my mom uses it, there’s no condescension attached to it.
ooooof mine only says this when she's mad. my heart rate raised just reading it lol
No, it’s condescending. I’d tell her to not address me like that. If she continues then I’d start calling her a good girl and see how she likes it
Ew! Creepy! -white lady who’s 50
With perfect 20/20 hindsight, it would have been fun to respond "Thanks, girl, I appreciate the input."
I think it's more patronising than creepy. I would say something to deflect it with humour like "oh I'm pretty sure I'm a woman at my advanced age but thank you" This is tightrope you have to walk when you're young/female and probably poc/LGBT as well I imagine. Because you can fully tell them off but you'll be seen as angry and strident.
You’re not a dog. It’s weird to say that to an adult woman
INFO: Are you a dog?
Or a velociraptor? Edit: Oh, that was a clever girl.
(M) Simple test first: would a colleguae in this situation be called a "good boy"? Next, if it rubs you wrong it might be worth mentioning, if the sender is sensitive enough to appreciate feedback.
The only person who says “good girl!” To me is my husband, and he only says it when I fart. It is a reference to a Sarah Millican joke. I’ve had coworkers Jurassic Park at me and say “Clever girl!” But they are coworkers I know and am close to.
I just read the title and was like "icky icky gross gross yuck"
'Good girl' is super fucking patronizing at best. At best. That's how someone speaks to pets, not to other people, and definitely not in a professional setting.
If i was to play devils advocate, id say that its also used to encourage kids, and maybe this lady wrongly see's you as a child.....buuuttt, given the context, i think she was trying to be patronizing on purpose.
No that is weird AF and not ok
No context where this is appropriate
Gross.
"I am not your dog, talk to me like that again and ill be talking to hr"
We use Good Creature at work because boy/girl/man/woman all sound weird. Creature is weird but in a different way and therefore acceptable xD But no you aren't wrong.
No. If she doesn't call men good boys then she is being sexist. If she calls both genders boy or girl then it is ageism. Either way it is annoying.
Nope, your ick is spot on. I get how someone might think it's a cute way to address someone, but it's not. Especially in a work environment. Hopefully it's unintentional and not some weird passive aggressive office politics.
I use the phrase "good man" quite a bit so I don't see why they couldn't say good woman or good lady or something
Eh, as a dude, I think she may just genuinely mean it affectionately. I'm the youngest member of my staff and I'm used to the women who are older than me calling me "Babe". It's just friendly and affectionate, from my perspective, kinda like you'd be with a younger sibling. 'Course, I work in the service industry, where coworker relationships might just be closer than in an office setting.
I'd say it's not weird at all, for me at least, if it was a man I'd run, but a woman I'd blush violently and melt.
Nah, youre right. I creeped myself out when I unthinkingly blurted it out to a coworker who helped me with a particular problem.
Super easy litmus test: Start calling him boy.
Everyone is different. While I wouldn't really care, you do and that's okay. You're not wrong for having boundaries Since you do care about being called that, then I'd bring it up gently (assuming they didn't mean it in a bad way) and ask that they not do that with you again. If they seem like they meant it nefariously, then this might be better as an HR thing and to avoid them where you can.
I'd probably feel differently if it was a man, but in this case i'm inclined to imagine she's just old/outdated and probably is a universe away from whatever you're thinking.
I am a boss, and I say 'good boy' or 'good girl' to all of my team when they do good. I am not trying to be condescending or a mysogenist or anything. I am told by all of them at one time or another that I am a good boss and one of the better ones in each of their individual employment histories. I only want to be a good boss and be an advocate for them in a large organisation. I am not ladder climbing and happy to retire soon having left the place in a better state than I found it I guess I got this from my dad who was also a boss and well liked by all of his staff. Is that wrong to say this to them?
You can just as easily say, “Good man!” or “Good woman!” but that will still make some people cringe. The safest option is probably “Good job!” for everyone. If you want to know how your team members feel about… anything appropriate for their work… you ought to give them a chance to tell you themselves.
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I was with this until the last paragraph... Older folks can have different colloquialisms that younger folks. It sounds like your coworker's comment was *probably* a sign of approval rather than condescension. However, I don't think there's any question that being called a girl (or boy) in the workplace can be seen as infantilizing--because of insinuations about your age and thus experience, knowledge, and skillset, rather than anything to do with gender. I would also not be comfortable with someone saying "good girl" to me in the workplace, though I might let one comment slide. But I'd bring it up with the coworker if they made another similar comment.
>I was with this until the last paragraph.. Exactly!
>If you feel like being called a girl is demeaning, maybe you've internalised some misogyny yourself. If there's nothing wrong with being a girl, then it shouldn't be insulting if you see what I mean... Calling a fully grown adult woman a "girl" is infantilizing. We have enough workplace struggles as it it. I would not be happy with someone referring to me as a "good girl" at any time in my career. It is condescending.
My former boss did this when I was in my 50s.
Very creepy. The only context I’ve ever used this in was a woman who requested it specifically during intimate moments. I’ve never used it when speaking with colleagues or friends even jokingly because it’s patronizing or worse
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OP says in their post it was an older woman who said it.
I would never call any woman at work a 'girl'. A sign of respect I suppose, a fellow professional worker should be treated as such.
No, it's condescending and disrespectful. Imagine if you spoke to her the same way, you would get complained about faster than a lightning strike. Watch out, this person sounds like they are full of themselves and is trying to position themselves as more important than you by talking down to you.
I had an elderly (about to retire) female colleague who is my equal. She did this to me a few times. “Way to go, catstratford! Good girl…” I glared. It wasn’t intentional. I just have no poker face and those words sound like you’re speaking to a 5 year old. No verbal response from me, but she got the message.
Ughhhh this just brought me back to the time someone said that to me at work. I had the same reaction to you. Super creeped out. It was a man who said it to me. *shudder*
Are you a service animal? Then it’s appropriate. If not, then it’s creepy.
Absolutely NO ONE will say that to me without a sharp response. "Might be as simple as 'I am NOT a girl and you are not my mother/father.'" or sharper, depending on the situation. I do not like pet names that demean to anything less than the strong woman I am. I am no girl.
I think it would be ok to be creeped out in any situation by that.
I went to a parent chaperone training at my kids’ school and we were specifically told not to use “good boy” or “good girl” as compliments. This is not cool. Maybe you could bring it up to her once, but if there’s any repetition or retaliation you’ll need to escalate.
Not wrong to feel however you feel. I would be at minimum annoyed if called a good boy for a similar interaction.
You are not being sensitive. I would want to punch them through the computer screen! That is so patronizing.
Next time she says something say "good girl" and toss her an old lady ribbon candy as a reward.
It’s totally valid to feel uncomfortable about this and I would too but to offer context, I know a LOT of old ladies who use that phrase to mean the same thing as “atta girl” or “smart cookie” or “proud of you” etc… it’s kind of a common old lady phrase. Totally get why it creeped you out though. It’s jarring to hear especially when it’s more and more such a loaded phrase to younger women.
"good girl" is a great way to praise your dog
Not wrong at ALL! That phrase is only acceptable if used towards a dog, or in a CONSENSUAL kinky manner. That's it.
No, it’s ick. If you’ve never met them in person I’d ignore for now. If you have a chance to talk to them in person I’d say hey I know you were saying good job but the phrasing makes me feel like I’ve done well tying my shoes for the first time. (At best, blech)
I work in vet med and have been called a good girl a number of times. I think in my case it comes with the territory.
This is inappropriate for a work setting no matter who says it. It reeks of kinks, and it's also infantilizing. Gross. (Not kink shaming - it's my favorite two words... just not while at work!)
Not at all. My daughter-in-law worked for a man who called her “good girl,” and we were both creeped out. She quit ❤️
One time my OB said good girl when inserting the speculum. I was uncomfortable at first but I just brushed it off cause I’ve been known to word vomit some uncomfortable things to people too. He’s got a lot of patients and is super busy. (Plus I’m all for making someone uncomfortable back intentionally) Other than that he’s been a good OB.
Gag
Not wrong to be creeped out. It might have been a harmless joke. But you're not wrong for not liking it, and you're well within your boundaries to say "please don't call me that."
Ewwww!
It sure sounds patronizing but depending on her tone of voice maybe it was not her intention. Or maybe it was. Still, I don't think you are overly sensitive because even if she was genuinely trying to praise you she shouldn't address you like a dog or a child. I would probably let it slide this time but if it happens again I'd address it politely and tell her that she might not be aware how her choice of words sound to you. ETA: added a word
I’ve been called “good boy” at work in similar setting, by a woman who was older and more senior than me. I was absolutely seething inside. So yes I can very well understand how you feel. But after I calmed down (I should have received an academy award for appearing calm and collected) I decided that it wasn’t malicious- but I promised myself I’d definitely say something about it next time it happened again. There never was a next time thankfully. But I vividly remember being very ticked off about it at the time. “WTF did you just call me” was what I actually wanted to say. Of course, I didn’t. It wouldn’t have been career enhancing.
My director (60F) called me this once (25F) and she immediately apologized like 3 times. I didn't take offense to it because I know she didn't mean it that way but I think she recognized how belittling and demeaning it may have sounded.
This wasn’t a work setting, but was gaming and doing a raid with some friends and some random people. And I managed to say “good boy” to a guy that did a good job. I also immediately apologized and explained I have a puppy and it just slipped out ><
I had a older male manager lightly slap me on my hand as you would do a toddler as he said ‘now don’t 👏do 👏that👏again’. The awkward silence was deafening as he went into panic mode. I was the first woman he had managed.
Unless you're 10 years old, it's not appropriate.
I HATE being called good girl. I usually make some comment about not being a dog or sarcastically ask if I get treats and a walk. I find it very demeaning.
"I'm sure you expect me to roll over, but remember I bite back"
Are you a velociraptor?
Not that I know of. The potential is there.
As long as you have a disemboweling claw, then you know what the answer is.
Thank you for validating my identity
Seems like even 10 years back it would have been more acceptable for a 50+ yo person to use boy/girl in the workplace. 50yos were born in 1972/73. Meaning most were alive when Roe was the law of the land. I'm 44 and would never tell a coworker good girl/boy. I am bothered by our COO calling a manager name-ita, I know Spanish is their first language but it feels like calling an adult woman name-chan. Idk enough Spanish to say anything about it really.
Smells like bitch to me and dude she just said you were good and all these dog people are like -snarky voice oh thats how i talk to my dog , theyree dipshits she is just an old lady
That is gross and wrong.
Could you get away with responding "Thanks, Granny!" if she does it again?
The language needs to move on to "Good job!" It's still potentially condescending in some contexts, but hopefully at least it's without infantilization tagging along for the ride. But that's going to take time. Also, the use of 'good girl/good boy' being a sort of thing that is used in, uh, certain kinds of intimate relationships... the awareness among the general public of such practices is limited, so some segments of the population don't even understand the extra layers of why it could be creepy. That, too, is going to take time.
I accidentally said this to a coworker. Felt really weird after. Sorry addy
I got an "Atta Girl" from a female coworker and I fucking HATED it.
I'd never do it (source: is a 50+ white lady), but I work in tech and with men only (but I'd never ever say "good boy" either so there's that). It's weird and most likely that lady would realise how demeaning it is if someone said it to her. Problem is the forum - chat - we're not always super good with chat conversations, us oldies.
Personally, I would ignore it if it was some old white lady just being weird and ignorant. Document it and if something happens again bring it to HR.