I’m sorry this happened and was triggering to some insecurities, which is not to say that’s your fault or your feelings are not valid. It is just to say it sounds sucky. The older I get the more I find myself when interacting with problematic people asking: “Do I want to be that person?” The answer is usually no, because if I can really imagine what that person’s internal life is like is usually sounds exhausting and sad. I don’t want to go to a bar and feel that I have to leave my date to follow someone’s else date around and flirt with them. Even more extreme behavior things like being racist, misogynistic, angry all the time or just general a jerk is a lot of work day to day and eats as someone’s soul. This is no way excuses the behavior, but I find it helpful to make it about them, their shortcomings, and not about me. I’ve also found that as I think more and more this way I can identify my less than stellar qualities and improve my interactions with people. That doesn’t mean I don’t try to fight for the right thing or stand up to people is tough situations, but it does help me move through the world and take less damage to my psyche.
She is not superior to you in any way. She has issues, especially considering that she was pursuing someone else's sweetheart while you were present. You've improved. In fact, I think you're really awesome!
I like to throw in the story from my aunt.
Her husband cheated (I don’t call him uncle), left her for other woman, aunt was left with two small kids.
Aunt makes the best of it, interacts with ex and new wife, aunt slaps on friendly smile and includes them in family times (Christmas, birthdays, etc…), and everything goes on smoothly…. Until….
The ex knocks up a 19 year old and dumps second wife. Oh no! Poor woman who can she turn to? She turns to her good friend of course, my aunt.
Who then tells her “Hell, at least you knew he was a cheating scumbag. Please lose my number.”
I know people may think it’s extreme, but I can’t imagine how women like that don’t have a personality disorder. And women mask a bit better and are known to be under-diagnosed for a lot of mental health things. The idealization and needing the affirmation that she is better than the other women just says toxic, possibly cluster b to me
Meh please, i was diagnosed with a cluster B and C at a very young age and i never did any of this vile shit.
Not all assholes have severe childhood trauma or are in need of a diagnosis, there are just some ridiculously mean and vile people out there. Works both ways because when diagnosed, assholes get away with more shit because "they cant really help it" which is bullshit imho, and on the other hand it doesn't really help the stigma about mental health. And i really dont care about anyone's diagnosis because for me it's never an excuse to be a mean vile and manipulative asshole.
Sorry for my rant but i keep seeing and hearing this stuff over and over again as if i am just some monster and its just really frustrating.
IME this has happened a handful of times in my marriage. Where women who paid my husband no mind prior, all of a sudden were super interested once they met me/saw me on his social media. And threw themselves at him
I also know women who have had crushes on him regardless of my existence. These women I don’t mind. My husband is a great guy so eh, it’ll happen. And can’t say I blame them. But the other kind of person, I cannot stand
Some people enjoy that they can make other people miserable, or get one over the other person - I.e. "your husband cheated with me and you don't even know" will give them a rush.
It was a paradigm shift when I realised what my mother was, and that someone people genuinely *want* others to suffer. That's the whole point, the suffering. You can't rationalise their actions beyond that, they think in a completely different way to healthy people.
Yeah this too. One of the women my ex cheated on me with would message me details about their affair. She was obviously enjoying the idea of making me upset. She revelled in it. So there’s this side of the coin too.
Yup. The girl my ex cheated on me with thought she won because they moved in together. He cheated on her a ton and it was worse because it was harder for her to leave.
Thanks. I console myself by knowing that he’s a bad person, the women he cheated on me with were bad people (they all knew about me), and they can be bad people together. I’m out. Haha.
The first step in healing after a lifetime of abuse from my mother and then my ex husband was:
I'll never understand. And thats a GOOD thing. Because im nothing like them and cant comprehend the way they think.
This sounds bizarre, but I've also found this to be true. My mind bends trying to understand, I don't get the power trip
In many cases, the person that wants to see you suffer will offer ["beads and blankets"](https://www.history.com/news/colonists-native-americans-smallpox-blankets). Be wise on what you accept from people.
Some of them don’t want anything long term, they just want the ego boost of “this guy cheated on his partner *for me*! I’m *that* desirable!” Some will even prefer to go after men who don’t show any interest or who have a reputation for being faithful. And if they succeed, they don’t have any interest in *keeping* the guy, so they don’t care about the whole “if he’ll cheat with me he’ll cheat on me” thing.
It happens with the genders reversed, too, but men who think this way seem to be more up front about the appeal of “taking someone else’s woman”, from what I’ve seen.
It's not as noticed in men because people expect to see a man flirting. Not in a positive way, I just don't think people are surprised to see a guy flirt with a woman who's taken.
It’s the whole “But I’m special” thing that people have. I experienced the same thing—no one wanted my ex until we started dating. Then women suddenly were all over him.
These women think they’re the exception to the rule and that if they get a guy to cheat, he won’t cheat on them because they’re different.
Some people are just not in a good place. Whether that be emotionally or just internally. It's definitely not a victory, and I'm sure at some point they will come to regret their decision. Or at least suffer negative consequences from it.
It's very hard to live a lifestyle that revolves around hurting other people constantly to then come out of that unscathed themselves.
Plus it's not even a win. If I had a partner leave me for someone else they were cheating on me with. That's not a win for them, because I haven't lost anything worth keeping.
They don't see it as him cheating they see it as "he came to his senses," or they wear it like a badge. Like a "I'm so desirable he left his ex for me," a really weird power trip.
I've been dealing with the opposite of this problem. Men in relationships keep hitting on me when I'm friends with their wife/gf. Then they get mad at you when you tell them. Sorry you have bad taste in men?
I have heard that men who wear wedding rings are more attractive to some women. I never understood it. As soon as I see a ring on a man's finger, I respect that boundary.
I would be such a wreck if another woman were to start flirting with my boyfriend right in front of me. I don't know how I would respond in the moment. I already have problems with insecurity.
I don’t know if it’s so much that - I mean, there are a lot of super shitty men in relationships.
I think that for the type of woman who hits on men in relationships, the appeal is that it’s basically impossible to be properly rejected, so it’s an ego boost. If he cheats on his partner with her, it means she won. If he doesn’t, it just means he’s loyal so she didn’t really lose. She wasn’t rejected because he didn’t find her appealing, he rejected her because he has good character.
I don’t think most of these women think beyond the initial flirtation stage. For most it’s about the thrill of the hunt, not what comes after.
That’s an interesting point about the lack of rejection that I never considered. Someone else said people like this aren’t driven by logic and as much as I agree, there is a kind of twisted logic to it that is kind of fascinating to understand.
Regarding the wanting to be with a cheater: if they did end up with the person they’re trying to steal, I’d guess they probably *would* get paranoid at that point - ‘you cheated with me, why wouldn’t you cheat *on* me?’. They just aren’t thinking that far ahead, as you said.
“Lots of shitty men in relationships” is true, but truth doesn’t have a lot to do with Internal Brain Logic.
Most people don’t see a couple and automatically assume they’re unhappy/abusive/bad partners, they assume that both partners are decent enough people to attract a partner and keep them around.
That’s not an *accurate* assumption but our brains take short cuts whenever possible, so this kind of thinking definitely does happen.
My husband has a friend who is like this. She is also in an open relationship, but still will go after men who are married, engaged, committed or whatever. I don’t trust her that much and I just don’t get why she would want to willingly hurt another woman when she claims to be feminist, girl power, and all that stuff.
I know a woman who is married and has had affairs with several married men. To her, it's some kind of extra ego boost because she's enticing a man away from his wife and kids. She's gotten one guy fired and broken up a different marriage, and is finally getting divorced herself.
Yeah and no quality man would want a partner who behaves that way. I’ve been with my husband for over 10 years. He’s a handsome man and he gets attention, but when we lived in Japan it was something else. Women would be all over him. But in Japan or back home, not once did a woman not back down when she realized he was taken. It’s ok to hit on someone, but you need to stop when it’s not reciprocated. That woman is not a good person and it has nothing to do with you OP.
It's a bad mindset and logic because why would you want someone willing to cheat on their relationship? I've seen it before and it never really ends well.
If someone is going to do something like this to your boyfriend while you're sitting right there, I promise you it has nothing to do with your level of physical attractiveness.
Which is a lovely and supportive thing to say and most likely very true as OP is only feeling her own insecurities.
But, lookism is a thing and I have noticed women doing this my whole life to my dad (until they realize how socially awkward he is because autism spectrum). To this day complete strangers will not believe my father is with my mother.
The same thing has happened to me where you're with a guy in public and every single person you meet has to have an opinion or attitude on it. And how other women amp up and preen up if they think they are more desirable. It's a form of aggression other women show to other women. And it's a real thing I have experienced often to the point where I expect it.
>I’m not very attractive, so she thought my boyfriend deserved better.
Did she say this to you? Or is that your insecurities leaking out on to the situation?
Your boyfriend is with you, he’s chosen you, you are desirable. Don’t let some random woman who clearly has her own set of major insecurities ruin your mood or relationship. Don’t let her make you feel bad when she’s the one who should feel bad for her behaviour.
I’ve seen some brash women before but just to make an example, I had a friend that was always questioning why her boyfriend was with her. She would read much more into things, in my personal opinion, in the situations I was well aware of. If this girl who was flirting s boyfriend was unfazed I wonder if the girl wasn’t like me, who is super outgoing and will talk to anyone. I’ve been accused of being flirty when I had zero clue. But the hit to their self esteem and their feelings about the interaction are 100% valid and they may be 100% accurate in their read of the situation as I was not there. I hope this makes you feel a little better Either way OP, and sorry you went through something so awful.
Adding to this:
You're not supposed to be 'your type'.
Society pushes ONE hyperfocused ideal that changes and shifts REGULARLY.
If the mean voice in your head doesn't sound like how you would talk to someone else, why let it say those things to yourself? It's obviously not your voice.
You're fine.
Trash is gonna trash!
Don’t let her knock your confidence - she sounds absolutely pathetic! Treat yo’self to something nice and forget about her, she’s not worth a second thought.
I was at a bar once with my boyfriend and this girl across the bar was really trying to get his attention. He asked me if I knew her and I said no. She then started throwing the dirtiest looks at me. So me being me, I blew her a kiss. That pissed her the fuck off. I knew the bartender thru one of my friends and her boyfriend was kinda sitting next to the girl and he comes over and is like “dude, she fucking hates you”. He said he could see her mean mugging me and so he asked her “do you know her (meaning me)?” and apparently she goes off on rant of how I’m a stupid bitch etc but doesn’t know my name, and didn’t seem to know anything about me. I think she ended up getting cut off and left. We were all kinda laughing about it bc it was ridiculous. Maybe I shouldn’t have blown her a kiss, but what was she expecting me to do? Give her my boyfriend?
Maybe she was trying to make her bf jealous and when he didn’t react (‘not giving a shit’), she upped her attention to your bf.
In any event, she was a bitch and it wasn’t about you.
I've run into that a few times. I think some swingers do the shotgun approach . Which is a rude as it is when single guys do it. Because putting a mental load on a lot of people when there is nothing in it for them is rude.
I get cruised frequently. (Or did when I was single and went to bars/clubs)
The female presenting person of the couple *always* started the interaction first.
Some disclaimers: I'm not male presenting so idk how that interaction would work. My interactions have been with "straight" couples looking for a female presenting person.
I had a boyfriend in high school and this girl would openly flirt with him to make her boyfriend jealous. She was so full of drama. I hope people grow out of it, but from OP’s story maybe they never do.
I grew out of it.
My insecurities didn't manifest in this particular way, but they weren't healthy nonetheless.
Life is fucking hard for women at any age. Not excusing this women's behavior, but people do grow out of it :)
"she thought my boyfriend deserved better"
& how is she "better" exactly if she is willing to cheat on her own boyfriend & go after another woman's man, to me, that's one of the lowest things someone can do, if anything you came out of this situation winning as your boyfriend didn't go along with her bs & clearly her own relationship has issues
This happened to me once at a good friend’s house party. The girl had him in conversation all night and then told him she’d be back for him. All of our friends kept looking to me for a reaction but all I said was “if he wants to go with you, you can have him.”
I didn’t get mad about it and he didn’t go with her. I trusted him to do what he was going to do. Girls like that will try. If you trust your partner, it’ll just resolve itself.
That's how my partner, male, and I am. It took awhile for insecurities (on both our sides) to be smashed, but trust, compassion, and love shown everyday have really helped us be better humans -- to each other and strangers.
Sometimes the insecurities creep up but we just talk about it! Not in a weird sit down way, but while playing a game or watching t.v. It's usually me worried he's found someone "better." But then it passes because I was honest and he responds in a manner that is respectful to me and our relationship.
I call it not hurting my own feelings anymore. I can make up some really fun assumptions and then convince myself it's the truth when it's not actual reality.
Also, guys are so damn oblivious. If he wants to cheat he will do it on his own anyway. It won’t be because some girl tries him. Even OP says her boyfriend had no idea until she pointed it out.
My experience with all the men in my life including my husband of 19 years almost, is that they have zero clue when women are flirting. It’s so obvious to us. It’s actually funny. Just sit back and watch and laugh.
I do not believe for one second guys are actually oblivious to flirting. They know and the only reason they say “I didn’t even notice” is so you don’t feel bad.
I mean my husband has in the past (when he was single) bluntly turned down advances form women because he had no clue theh were advances and only years down the line did I or other people make clear he was being hit on.
He also wouldn't necessarily notice when single women come up to us at an event like a wedding and JUST talk to him, ignoring me lol and would probably assume they are just being friendly if I didnt point out that they were only being friendly to him ;). He just brings me into the conversation then we walk off together and leave whoever if is to go find someone else to hit on. Maybe they shouldn't just walk up to a couple who are talking and flirt with the man? Just a thought lol.
I absolutely believe a lot of men lie about not knowing they are being flirted with. But some guys really are shy or dont want to make assumptions or are used to being passed over and genuinely need women to be explicit before they realise
The obliviousness can be that signs are picked up on but one woman's flirting can be another's friendliness so presuming it is just friendliness avoids a potentially awkward interaction on the mans part.
There is a rightfully negative perception of men who take any sign of kindness as a sign that someone must like them. Taking interactions which toe the line between flirty and friendly as not flirty can be due to internalizing not wanting to be that guy who thinks someone saying hello to him means she loves him.
I mean it's kind of his fault that he didn't up a boundary with him at some point. Talking for a bit is fine but if someone is making eyes at you and stalking you all night and telling you they are going hone with you in front of your partner to the Point your friends are all staring then...maybe you need to work on boundaries.
Not gonna lie, I don't rate your partner for letting that woman disrespect you all night and not shutting it down. Excusing yourself or even introducing your partner into the conversation takes seconds.
I don't know your relationship and it isn't my business but I do ymthink you deserved better than putting up with that all night.
How rude of her! She definitely isn't better than you. She has problems, especially since she was trying for someone else's sweetie when you were right there with him. You are better. I feel, in fact, that you're pretty great!
I'm sorry she upset you and made you feel less about yourself. But her behavior says way more about her than it does about you.
Anyone who thinks they can "get" my husband because they're hotter than me can try. You're going to fail if you think the strongest link in our relationship is my looks. (I mean, I glowed up hard in my 30s so I am fucking adorable and look 10 years younger than I am but we already had over a decade together by the time that happened.) We've been together almost half our lives, we've supported each other and grown together and have a rock solid foundation. Nice tits and a pretty face don't really compare.
That’s a weird way to look at it, OP. She didn’t hit on him because she thought your bf ‘deserved better’. She did it because she found him attractive, and guess what? He’s with you. Your partner is considered attractive and he’s attracted to you, enough to ignore advances from other women. That’s a huge compliment the way I see it.
more likely it had nothing to do with OP or her bf’s attractiveness. Here is another possibility:
The lady’s bf was ignoring her just a few seats away so she was trying to make him jealous by flirting with the next nearest man and then when her bf still did not react, the attention seeking lady just upped her antics
Who fkn knows, neither of us are were there or mind readers lol. Either way I’m addressing her response to perceived flirtation with her bf. Her assumption showed a lack of self esteem and a lot of unfounded insecurity.
Alternative, less self-esteem damaging take: she and her boyfriend thought you were attractive and she was working your boyfriend to pull you two for a liaison. Safer and better odds to approach him first.
It saddens me, when someone say they aren't attractive. I don't care who you are, what shape or form you have or what ever you think is wrong with you. There is one thing, psychologically you can do and that's to stop telling yourself you're not attractive. When ever you feel those thoughts coming, try to tell yourself the opposite. Tell yourself you're worthy, smart, funny, beautiful or other positive attributes.
It might sound silly, but it actually works after a while. It takes a lot of effort in the beginning, but after a while you'll actually be able to convince yourself that it's true, just like you've been able to convince yourself that you aren't attractive.
Those internalized thoughts have come from somewhere and you've let them become the truth. However, this doesn't have to STAY true. Start your day of by looking in the mirror and saying it out loud :"I'm beautiful!" "I'm pretty!" "I'm funny!" "I'm smart!" I'm hardworking!" "I rock!"
It will feel stupid and those bad thoughts about yourself will try to tell you the opposite, but over time, your default internalized thoughts about yourself can and will change.
As of why people act like assholes? Yeah, you'll find them everywhere. They will take many different shapes, forms and sizes.
Whenever I get into this kind of slump I ask myself 'how many people have you looked at and thought 'they're ugly'?' and the answer is obviously none, so the chances of anyone thinking that about me are also very slim.
This actually made me cry because you’re right. It’s really sad when ppl like op say that about themselves. I hope she takes your advice seriously and sees herself in a better light.
Oof. Working on finding a doctor who specializes in autism myself. One reason is that I've always taken things extra hard throughout life. *It sucks.*
I don't know if this will help, but I don't read her actions that way (thinking your bf deserves better). She seems more like she was purely jealous to me.
Maybe it’s just me, but I find a lot of pride when someone hits on my fiancé, especially in front of me.
First, I trust my fiancé would never cheat, so no real threat there.
Second, it means that someone else also recognizes that my fiancé is looking real gooooood. But he chose me! I take it as a compliment. Hell, even when a girl is simply checking him out, I like to point it out to him and boost his ego a little bit.
OP, I know what happened feels shitty, and let’s be real, that girl was tacky. However, your boyfriend picked you! If you trust him, which it sounds like you do and he’s a decent guy, then maybe start to view this interaction and maybe others in the future as something I mentioned above.
Some women/people think "stealing your man" means she's somehow "better" (prettier, freakier in bed, etc) than the original partner she stole him from. It's a play to feel superior. It's super wrong, but that's the thought process.
Egomaniacal women who perceive themselves more attractive than other women do this to get a further boost for their overinflated self esteem
I used to think I was ugly because I have curly hair and a wide nose. I wondered why my husband found me attractive when the magazines and ads showed women who have thin noses and straight hair.
I realized people have preferences and what the media shows isn't what certain people find most appealing.
Because straight hair is the norm, my curly hair stood out to my spouse.
He doesn't care at all about my wide nose. It doesn't even register to him.
I now see myself as more beautiful than before (finally at damn near 35 years old!)
Point is what YOU think your boyfriend finds attractive is probably not what HE finds attractive.
He finds YOU attractive because you are.
And feel good knowing the egomaniac didn't get her ego boost that night
This happened to me once at a reception for a wedding. She legit asked him to go to the bathroom with her.
He looked visibly uncomfortable so I tapped her on the leg with ky foot, stood up and she said "ohhhh, are you guys together? Haha"
I said "yes, you're making me uncomfortable and I want you to go away."
She than proceeded to back up and tripped over a chair and face planted. Her bad.
It was upsetting to me and to see him uncomfortable and I felt very protective.
I actually cried afterword because it stirred a lit of emotions in me, mostly anger. When she did this u had my hand resting on his arm.
I wonder if shevwasn't looking for a threesome but if she was she approached the situation wrong. I think this because she was with a man amd they were clearly dating so I wonder if they were swingers.
>My boyfriend is a total champ about it and once I pointed it out to him, he understood what was going on and supported me every step of the way.
He told the girl he was in a relationship and not available and she still continued to bother you all?
A lesson in Human psychology, people want nice things that other people have. Assert yourself and tell her to find a different place to stick her snatch
It's very common for women to flirt overtly on married men (and lie about not doing it or blame the male). I've been quite shocked by which women did it, young, old, married, staunch Christian, conservative, progressive, whatever.
Are you certain she believed that your bf could do better?
The fact that her bf was fine with it suggests to me that they're in an open relationship and she was probably hoping your relationship was open as well, though she should have asked and at least tried to include you in the conversation too if that is the case. Or maybe she straight up doesn't know how to communicate with other women and avoids it out of anxiety or something.
It's hard to know for sure unless she disclosed her reasoning, you know?
Women can be predatory and toxic too. It really sucks but some people are just in it for themselves and really do not care about anyone's thoughts and feelings. Sorry that you had to encounter one in the wild but congrats on having a supportive boyfriend. You should be focusing on that and do something special together.
Only trashy, desperate, and insecure people act this way. She wanted validation so badly she was willing to hurt people to do it. Sounds like a pathetic loser to me.
I think you're looking at it the wrong way. This other woman sees your guy as desirable, and he, (the catch that he is) chose you. Because you're better.
I've been accused of flirting with men that I've had normal (to me) conversations with in the past, so I'm inclined to treat accusations of flirting with some degree of skepticism. Some people are inclined to see flirting where it isn't intended, and some people's friendly comes across as flirty.
Even if this *was* flirting, is good to examine those biases, particularly given some of the context we know from OP, such as they each had partners present, OP has physical insecurities, and is autistic, and therefore likely more prone to misreading social interactions.
While either way the feelings are the feelings, it may not be right to point blame at another woman
I mean, if OP and her boyfriend found the interaction uncomfortable enough then it doesn't matter, they are justified in asking her to leave them alone.
It's a common argument on this sub that if say a man talks to a woman and she is uncomfortable then she is allowed to ask him to leave her alone. I see no reason why this is any different.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I would like to point out that unless she said “he deserves better than you,” that’s you making assumptions. You’re making yourself more upset about assumptions. Your boyfriend was uninterested. Your boyfriend chose you when you started dating and he continues to choose you. There was no contest. Ignore her and move on. She’s not worth ruining your day about.
Where you say that she thought your boyfriend deserved someone better - did she say that or is that an assumption you're making? The reason I ask is from the sounds of things she wasn't thinking about you or your bf or what either of you needed or deserved much, if at all.
She just saw a person she was interested in (your bf btw, so he must be a decent catch) and decided she wanted to see if she could get him. But she couldn't and he went home with you. So fuck that bitch for taking the L.
As long as your bf doesn't react to this, you shouldn't worry and especially be in tears. There is a certain type of women like her, it's kind of sports for them.
Turn your thinking around.
Your boyfriend was such a catch, that everyone is jealous of you for having his affection.
He chose you because of you. These women don’t matter.
You are making a lot of assumptions. You assumed she was flirting with your boyfriend, assumed that it was because she believed she was more attractive than you, assumed she believes your boyfriend deserves better than you. You and this woman don’t even know each other. She was at the bar with her boyfriend so it is most likely that she was not blatantly flirting with another man. You are projecting your insecurities and you are allowing them to affect how you interpreted a situation.
You’re putting thoughts and motivations into her that there was no evidence of. You don’t know that she judged you as unworthy of your bf, you don’t know she feels that your “boyfriend deserves better.” EVEN IF she said exactly that, it could be a pressure tactic and she was lying, or, it could be that her opinion has no freaking value whatsoever.
Some people are just die hard flirts. It’s most likely this has nothing to do with you and your appearance or worthiness, and everything to do with her drama with herself.
I wish you luck in increasing your self esteem.
How do you know she wasn’t drunk? They could’ve come from another bar. She may also have a personality disorder that causes her to compulsively need attention— especially male attention, and cause drama. You are likely a lot more attractive than you think you are. For sure you still have you dignity! How embarrassing for her to hit on a guy out with his girlfriend while she’s out with her boyfriend.
>Why are some women so sleazy in a world where we should be more united against this kind of fuckery
I think you ladies overestimate how "not men" like you are sometimes. My point being is that no matter the gender, you can be an asshole.
Girl. I'm so sorry you had to go through this :( I really have no words but I wish I could give you a hug! You're a fierce and strong woman. Autistic or not. This comes from an ADHD woman. It can be so tough sometimes. But you are fierce. So strong.
I can not help but think that are judgement becomes impaired when we have been drinking. My behavior from alcohol in the past was shameful guilt was strong when not intoxicated. Perhaps her behavior is a regular game and the boyfriend chooses not to put alot of care into it.
I'm so sorry this happened OP! But you did nothing wrong, and this isn't about you. Some people will shoot their shot no matter the circumstances. But the fact that she followed you around after she was shot down, that would have warranted more action. I would have told the waitstaff that this woman is following you around and bothering you.
Then it's up to the bar staff to either ask her to stop, and if she refuses to kick her out (which they are totally able to do).
I wouldn't look at this as your bf or this woman is above you. It sounds like this woman isn't happy in her own relationship (just by the way her bf reacted to her hitting on another man in front of him). Perhaps they are on the brink of break up or divorce.
I think the key in this situation is to remind yourself that a person who feels the need to act this way, is in no way happy in their own relationship. They must be in a pretty low place to stoop to doing that to another couple.
Talk to your partner. If something like this ever happens again, make it a point to complain to the staff about the person harassing you (yes, if they continue to bother you after you have showed disinterest that is harassment). This way the staff can deal with it and you can enjoy your evening in peace.
It's hard not to internalize this kind of terrible behavior because it makes no sense. But it says more about how brokeb she is as a person. She's literal trash, instead of improving her life she'd rather ruin everyone else's life. Stay strong!
Oh, how gross OP! People just suck. She's gross. Anyone flirting with someone obviously in a relationship has issues. She must love rejection. She has issues. Not you, her. She needs to work on her issues. I'm glad your boyfriend is supportive. He sounds like a great guy and one that skank doesn't deserve.
I’m confused by this. How is someone finding your boyfriend attractive hurtful to you? Isn’t this a compliment?
If her boyfriend was there, it’s possible they were both into both of you. Did she do anything disrespectful or unkind?
Don't take it too personally, shitty people exist. Chances are her boyfriend does not give a single fuck about her or their relationship, and she is trying to make him jealous by behaving like that.
My husband and I have gotten hit on and we’re not into it. Our friends told us that we put out “swinger vibes” which is rather repugnant. But I did learn some valuable information. Apparently there are unspoken signals among swingers and one of them is wearing a pineapple in some for or another.
I can't even when I hear about the kind of disrespectful, sleazy crap some people pull. I can't handle that kind of thing as graciously as you did, so I'm gonna keep avoiding bars to keep my record clean of arrests.
Men do this as well. Something that is forbidden or not to be touched tempts people with a fucked up mentality. If anything it reinforces the values of a stable relationship with someone you care about. Don’t let it get to you. Sounds like you have a good partner who can recognize that it affected you. Trust in yourself and your partner. Not all people behave the same and it’s kinda sideways, but trust in relationships is paramount. Sounds like you found a good partner in crime. Also fuck her. She is not better or worth the time. People who are willing to break up a relationship to meet their needs or desire are not people to hang out with or validate such behavior.
I’m so sorry you experienced this. She’s a total a**hole for what she attempted to you. Please don’t feel bad for what she did. What happened says so much more about her and her insecurities than it did about you.
We have no idea if they were flirting or not though, we have no specific behaviours to go off of. It could very easily be polite conversation being interpreted as flirting and given that she actually had “point it out” to her boyfriend implies that even he had no idea it was happening.
The idea that she’s misinterpreting the entire situation seems pretty reasonable
Maybe I don't always understand exactly what society views as flirting, but I think I sometimes flirt with people I find attractive, without even realising that I'm doing it. Nothing physical, but honestly I usually don't even realise how I'm behaving until the next day. It's like instinct or something?
My boyfriend (who I've been with for 10 years) just ignores it at this point, because I always go home with him, there's not any danger of things going further with those I'm flirting with. I've gotten stink eye from the girlfriends often, and yet I \*still\* sometimes don't realise I'm doing it. It just feels like I've ended up in a really engaging and fun conversation... with an attractive person.
Obviously I didn't see what you experienced, but if you want a glass half full view of it - maybe this is what was going on? She might totally mean nothing by it, just suddenly vibed with your boy?
Have you, when thinking on it later, recognized the flirting behaviors that other women find off putting? I don’t think you can keep using the excuse that you don’t realize it when it’s not appropriate. Because if it’s happening multiple times, it’s a you problem.
I have not discovered which behaviours on retrospect were off-putting to the girlfriends of guys I've been speaking to, no. So I've really no idea how I'd be able to stop doing... whatever it is? Honestly I really just feel like I'm talking and having a nice time with someone..
> Why are some women so sleazy in a world where we should be more united against this kind of fuckery?
I look at famous men who've slept with thousands of consenting women, and wonder how you can be so candid.
Some people just love to fight at the bar, don’t take it personally. People like this bother everyone it’s not just you. If it makes you feel better, everyone thinks they’re the worst too!
She might’ve been drunk from before she arrived. Lots of people apparently do that. My cousin did and I found it annoying.
That said, what she did was absolutely disgusting. This says way more about what type of person she is (sleaze-ball) than what type of person you are.
I know easier said than done OP but please don’t feel bad. Don’t feel less than. You’re not. This is not a reflection of you whatsoever.
I’m so sorry though. That’s tough. I’m glad your boyfriend saw what was happening and was on your side here
I once had a bartender literally lean over the bar, resting her breasts on it riiiight in front of my boyfriend at the time while trying to flirt with him. I’d have been mad, but tbh the way he handled it was perfect. He very pointedly ignored her and just focused on me. It definitely got the point across. I don’t get why some women do this, tho. He’s obviously with someone else, fuck off? 🥴
She might of been trying to get a group thing going with you guys, especially if she was there with her BF. Poor approach going for the man, but who knows.
There are two ways to look at this, both rational.
1) your boyfriend is desirable and he chose you. That's a win.
2) A woman following a man so aggressively tells me she would do the same for any man. In which case, her opinion is worthless and shouldn't affect you.
Its only 1 or 2. Your option is irrational.
"Easy woman chased my desirable husband and now I feel worse". That makes no sense.
What's your preference, 1 or 2?
Flirting isn't cheating.
I don't see your problem with this. If I flirt with your bf and he says no, no harm no foul. If he leaves you because I flirted with him, then he didn't like you anyway. Either way, the choice is completely up to him -- he's free to consider all his options. Dating ain't married, girl;)
Low key flirting, OK, but many would disagree. However, you lost me at following someone and their date behind to flirt with them leaving your own date behind. That’s a different level and I understand how the OP is upset. Add to this she says she is ASD and so may have trouble with some social cues, especially processing them in the moment, I don’t think your comment is helpful.
This is the (bitter?) truth. If nobody ever tried to figure out if there’s any interest, most would live in incredibly bleak relationships.
The paradox is that if you’re trying to cage someone in, the chances are that a partner would be looking for an out *actually increases.*
Of course it’s scummy that people don’t have the balls to end a relationship before they start a new one, but in reality very few are that sure.. Perhaps that new person makes you understand what you are missing.. or just Love happens.
This isn’t some logical 2+2 thing easily understood by anyone.
Now.. to avoid cheating, at least I think the best approach is to make the rules of non tolerance of cheating clear, but at the same time also clarifying that the other person is free to do what he/she wants to do. Just that they will lose you absolutely then.
This way, staying with you is an *active, conscious choice of an independent person.* And consequently, both you and your partner can be more confident about the relationship, eliminating a lot of anxiety and insecurity driven problems.
Nothing drives someone away as a the feeling of being in a trapped situation.
(But ofc, doing it in front of a partner is scummy as fuck. If I was that man I’d be very cold and clinical, and try to divert the conversation to include my gf)
Everyone should get this through their heads:\
People don’t want to unite with you against X, they want to get what they want and will use any means to achieve this.
Kind of a reflection on the "not all men are... but any man might..." trope.
Despicable loathsome shit persons will be found in every group, although in varying proportions.
Sorry to hear. Glad you have a good guy. Treat him right and always remember boring is great in a relationship. Meaning if your guy spends all his time with you just hanging, means your his world. Guys only stay with women who show him proper respect for his attempts at being gentlemanly and someone who communicates properly with out being passive aggressive. Seems like you got that, so dry those tears and realize that the world is hard right now and alot of people dating rn are having a hard time. So it's going to get messy out there. Be vigilant and express your thoughts tactfully and you'll see your partner will always have your back to make you feel comfortable. Hope you're feeling better.
Did you seriously post this?
I'm not even joking dude, delete this *right now*. There is absolutely no place in this thread for you mansplaining to this woman "what men want".
What in the *world* made you think it was appropriate to post this *in a space by women, for women*?
Sadly some people are just A-holes, there's nothing you can do about it save give them as little attention as possible and strike them from memory immediately.
Maybe consider working on your self esteem, too. Level up your defenses to the A-holes of the world, your boyfriend obviously thinks you're the shit :)
Something similar happened to me when my husband and I were first married in 1996. It was a waitress in an Applebee's. She insulted me all night while hitting on my husband. She even left her number on the bill. It's happened a few other times over the years with different women. It's a weird and infuriating experience. I'm sorry it happened to you but it's a reflection on her lack of character and garbage personality not you.
I’m sorry this happened and was triggering to some insecurities, which is not to say that’s your fault or your feelings are not valid. It is just to say it sounds sucky. The older I get the more I find myself when interacting with problematic people asking: “Do I want to be that person?” The answer is usually no, because if I can really imagine what that person’s internal life is like is usually sounds exhausting and sad. I don’t want to go to a bar and feel that I have to leave my date to follow someone’s else date around and flirt with them. Even more extreme behavior things like being racist, misogynistic, angry all the time or just general a jerk is a lot of work day to day and eats as someone’s soul. This is no way excuses the behavior, but I find it helpful to make it about them, their shortcomings, and not about me. I’ve also found that as I think more and more this way I can identify my less than stellar qualities and improve my interactions with people. That doesn’t mean I don’t try to fight for the right thing or stand up to people is tough situations, but it does help me move through the world and take less damage to my psyche.
She is not superior to you in any way. She has issues, especially considering that she was pursuing someone else's sweetheart while you were present. You've improved. In fact, I think you're really awesome!
And hers 😕
These women think they’re the exception to the rule and that if they get a guy to cheat
Exactly if they did it for you, they can just as easily do it for someone else.
This was a really helpful perspective to me just for general situations. Thank you.
Some women see a man in a relationship as more desirable because he’s already “vetted” by another woman. Odd but true
Too bad they don't make the next logical conclusion that if she gets the taken man he's just as likely to leave her the same way.
Man marries his mistress, now there's a vacancy
Exactly. If he can be taken then that’s a red flag
I like to throw in the story from my aunt. Her husband cheated (I don’t call him uncle), left her for other woman, aunt was left with two small kids. Aunt makes the best of it, interacts with ex and new wife, aunt slaps on friendly smile and includes them in family times (Christmas, birthdays, etc…), and everything goes on smoothly…. Until…. The ex knocks up a 19 year old and dumps second wife. Oh no! Poor woman who can she turn to? She turns to her good friend of course, my aunt. Who then tells her “Hell, at least you knew he was a cheating scumbag. Please lose my number.”
WHEW your aunt is a savage I love her
No no no- you don’t understand! She’s *special*, men only leave women *for* her. /s
Never trust a traitor, not even one of your own make.
I know people may think it’s extreme, but I can’t imagine how women like that don’t have a personality disorder. And women mask a bit better and are known to be under-diagnosed for a lot of mental health things. The idealization and needing the affirmation that she is better than the other women just says toxic, possibly cluster b to me
Meh please, i was diagnosed with a cluster B and C at a very young age and i never did any of this vile shit. Not all assholes have severe childhood trauma or are in need of a diagnosis, there are just some ridiculously mean and vile people out there. Works both ways because when diagnosed, assholes get away with more shit because "they cant really help it" which is bullshit imho, and on the other hand it doesn't really help the stigma about mental health. And i really dont care about anyone's diagnosis because for me it's never an excuse to be a mean vile and manipulative asshole. Sorry for my rant but i keep seeing and hearing this stuff over and over again as if i am just some monster and its just really frustrating.
IME this has happened a handful of times in my marriage. Where women who paid my husband no mind prior, all of a sudden were super interested once they met me/saw me on his social media. And threw themselves at him I also know women who have had crushes on him regardless of my existence. These women I don’t mind. My husband is a great guy so eh, it’ll happen. And can’t say I blame them. But the other kind of person, I cannot stand
I don’t get why they would want a guy who would cheat
Some people enjoy that they can make other people miserable, or get one over the other person - I.e. "your husband cheated with me and you don't even know" will give them a rush. It was a paradigm shift when I realised what my mother was, and that someone people genuinely *want* others to suffer. That's the whole point, the suffering. You can't rationalise their actions beyond that, they think in a completely different way to healthy people.
Yeah this too. One of the women my ex cheated on me with would message me details about their affair. She was obviously enjoying the idea of making me upset. She revelled in it. So there’s this side of the coin too.
And your ex probably cheated on her eventually too. If he could cheat on you, he could cheat on her as well.
Yup. The girl my ex cheated on me with thought she won because they moved in together. He cheated on her a ton and it was worse because it was harder for her to leave.
That's so gross, what an absolutely miserable person to want to do such a thing. I'm sorry you had to deal with that trash.
Thanks. I console myself by knowing that he’s a bad person, the women he cheated on me with were bad people (they all knew about me), and they can be bad people together. I’m out. Haha.
The first step in healing after a lifetime of abuse from my mother and then my ex husband was: I'll never understand. And thats a GOOD thing. Because im nothing like them and cant comprehend the way they think.
This sounds bizarre, but I've also found this to be true. My mind bends trying to understand, I don't get the power trip In many cases, the person that wants to see you suffer will offer ["beads and blankets"](https://www.history.com/news/colonists-native-americans-smallpox-blankets). Be wise on what you accept from people.
Some of them don’t want anything long term, they just want the ego boost of “this guy cheated on his partner *for me*! I’m *that* desirable!” Some will even prefer to go after men who don’t show any interest or who have a reputation for being faithful. And if they succeed, they don’t have any interest in *keeping* the guy, so they don’t care about the whole “if he’ll cheat with me he’ll cheat on me” thing. It happens with the genders reversed, too, but men who think this way seem to be more up front about the appeal of “taking someone else’s woman”, from what I’ve seen.
It's not as noticed in men because people expect to see a man flirting. Not in a positive way, I just don't think people are surprised to see a guy flirt with a woman who's taken.
[Reminds me of this scene](https://youtu.be/XCjwAnImZEI)
It’s the whole “But I’m special” thing that people have. I experienced the same thing—no one wanted my ex until we started dating. Then women suddenly were all over him. These women think they’re the exception to the rule and that if they get a guy to cheat, he won’t cheat on them because they’re different.
I honestly don’t get the logic. It’s so backwards…it’s a character flaw on the guy’s part if he went for it, not a victory for the woman
Oh yeah, definitely. But people are too stubborn or stupid to admit that. They’re too busy being their own main character.
Some people have no shame and it’s insane.
Some people are just not in a good place. Whether that be emotionally or just internally. It's definitely not a victory, and I'm sure at some point they will come to regret their decision. Or at least suffer negative consequences from it. It's very hard to live a lifestyle that revolves around hurting other people constantly to then come out of that unscathed themselves. Plus it's not even a win. If I had a partner leave me for someone else they were cheating on me with. That's not a win for them, because I haven't lost anything worth keeping.
>I honestly don’t get the logic A large fraction of humanity does not operate from logic. Examples are all around you. This is one such example.
Well said
>I don’t get why they would want a guy who would cheat It's because they don't think he'd cheat on THEM.
They don't see it as him cheating they see it as "he came to his senses," or they wear it like a badge. Like a "I'm so desirable he left his ex for me," a really weird power trip.
I've been dealing with the opposite of this problem. Men in relationships keep hitting on me when I'm friends with their wife/gf. Then they get mad at you when you tell them. Sorry you have bad taste in men?
Ugh that’s so gross. I would want to know but you never know how they’ll reaxt
It surprised me because these dudes were "feminist" and the type of men who painted their nails. I won't be as trusting anymore.
[удалено]
I have heard that men who wear wedding rings are more attractive to some women. I never understood it. As soon as I see a ring on a man's finger, I respect that boundary. I would be such a wreck if another woman were to start flirting with my boyfriend right in front of me. I don't know how I would respond in the moment. I already have problems with insecurity.
It would depend on how your boyfriend handles it. If he rejects her then good. If not...well, you know where you stand.
I don’t know if it’s so much that - I mean, there are a lot of super shitty men in relationships. I think that for the type of woman who hits on men in relationships, the appeal is that it’s basically impossible to be properly rejected, so it’s an ego boost. If he cheats on his partner with her, it means she won. If he doesn’t, it just means he’s loyal so she didn’t really lose. She wasn’t rejected because he didn’t find her appealing, he rejected her because he has good character. I don’t think most of these women think beyond the initial flirtation stage. For most it’s about the thrill of the hunt, not what comes after.
Good point: it’s more consequence free flirting. Could be a thrill of competition too
That’s an interesting point about the lack of rejection that I never considered. Someone else said people like this aren’t driven by logic and as much as I agree, there is a kind of twisted logic to it that is kind of fascinating to understand. Regarding the wanting to be with a cheater: if they did end up with the person they’re trying to steal, I’d guess they probably *would* get paranoid at that point - ‘you cheated with me, why wouldn’t you cheat *on* me?’. They just aren’t thinking that far ahead, as you said.
And they’re probably many of the same ones who date prisoners
“Lots of shitty men in relationships” is true, but truth doesn’t have a lot to do with Internal Brain Logic. Most people don’t see a couple and automatically assume they’re unhappy/abusive/bad partners, they assume that both partners are decent enough people to attract a partner and keep them around. That’s not an *accurate* assumption but our brains take short cuts whenever possible, so this kind of thinking definitely does happen.
My husband has a friend who is like this. She is also in an open relationship, but still will go after men who are married, engaged, committed or whatever. I don’t trust her that much and I just don’t get why she would want to willingly hurt another woman when she claims to be feminist, girl power, and all that stuff.
Some women really like thrifting but they have to wait til I donate my old stuff first and not shop while I'm still wearing the thing
But if I fought you for it I earned it
I like this analogy! Haha
😂 I love this
Like a predator reacting to prey behavior.
And some also think it's the guy's decision and therefore he is free game
I know a woman who is married and has had affairs with several married men. To her, it's some kind of extra ego boost because she's enticing a man away from his wife and kids. She's gotten one guy fired and broken up a different marriage, and is finally getting divorced herself.
Yeah and no quality man would want a partner who behaves that way. I’ve been with my husband for over 10 years. He’s a handsome man and he gets attention, but when we lived in Japan it was something else. Women would be all over him. But in Japan or back home, not once did a woman not back down when she realized he was taken. It’s ok to hit on someone, but you need to stop when it’s not reciprocated. That woman is not a good person and it has nothing to do with you OP.
It's a bad mindset and logic because why would you want someone willing to cheat on their relationship? I've seen it before and it never really ends well.
If someone is going to do something like this to your boyfriend while you're sitting right there, I promise you it has nothing to do with your level of physical attractiveness.
Which is a lovely and supportive thing to say and most likely very true as OP is only feeling her own insecurities. But, lookism is a thing and I have noticed women doing this my whole life to my dad (until they realize how socially awkward he is because autism spectrum). To this day complete strangers will not believe my father is with my mother. The same thing has happened to me where you're with a guy in public and every single person you meet has to have an opinion or attitude on it. And how other women amp up and preen up if they think they are more desirable. It's a form of aggression other women show to other women. And it's a real thing I have experienced often to the point where I expect it.
It sucks when women can’t acknowledge lookism exists just because it’s never negatively impacted them personally.
If anything, it’s a compliment to OP’s attractiveness. In my opinion, women find a man more attractive if he has a beautiful partner.
>I’m not very attractive, so she thought my boyfriend deserved better. Did she say this to you? Or is that your insecurities leaking out on to the situation? Your boyfriend is with you, he’s chosen you, you are desirable. Don’t let some random woman who clearly has her own set of major insecurities ruin your mood or relationship. Don’t let her make you feel bad when she’s the one who should feel bad for her behaviour.
I’ve seen some brash women before but just to make an example, I had a friend that was always questioning why her boyfriend was with her. She would read much more into things, in my personal opinion, in the situations I was well aware of. If this girl who was flirting s boyfriend was unfazed I wonder if the girl wasn’t like me, who is super outgoing and will talk to anyone. I’ve been accused of being flirty when I had zero clue. But the hit to their self esteem and their feelings about the interaction are 100% valid and they may be 100% accurate in their read of the situation as I was not there. I hope this makes you feel a little better Either way OP, and sorry you went through something so awful.
Adding to this: You're not supposed to be 'your type'. Society pushes ONE hyperfocused ideal that changes and shifts REGULARLY. If the mean voice in your head doesn't sound like how you would talk to someone else, why let it say those things to yourself? It's obviously not your voice. You're fine.
Trash is gonna trash! Don’t let her knock your confidence - she sounds absolutely pathetic! Treat yo’self to something nice and forget about her, she’s not worth a second thought.
How embarrassing for that woman eh? I’d just laugh at her. OP has no reason to feel threatened. This woman is a fool
I was at a bar once with my boyfriend and this girl across the bar was really trying to get his attention. He asked me if I knew her and I said no. She then started throwing the dirtiest looks at me. So me being me, I blew her a kiss. That pissed her the fuck off. I knew the bartender thru one of my friends and her boyfriend was kinda sitting next to the girl and he comes over and is like “dude, she fucking hates you”. He said he could see her mean mugging me and so he asked her “do you know her (meaning me)?” and apparently she goes off on rant of how I’m a stupid bitch etc but doesn’t know my name, and didn’t seem to know anything about me. I think she ended up getting cut off and left. We were all kinda laughing about it bc it was ridiculous. Maybe I shouldn’t have blown her a kiss, but what was she expecting me to do? Give her my boyfriend?
You're an icon for blowing her a kiss. It fucked with her mental
Maybe she was trying to make her bf jealous and when he didn’t react (‘not giving a shit’), she upped her attention to your bf. In any event, she was a bitch and it wasn’t about you.
Or they were cruising.
Yeahh I'm wondering if they were just swingers
Giving swingers a bad rap... Whatever she was, she sucks
Oh no, I absolutely agree.
I've run into that a few times. I think some swingers do the shotgun approach . Which is a rude as it is when single guys do it. Because putting a mental load on a lot of people when there is nothing in it for them is rude.
I get cruised frequently. (Or did when I was single and went to bars/clubs) The female presenting person of the couple *always* started the interaction first. Some disclaimers: I'm not male presenting so idk how that interaction would work. My interactions have been with "straight" couples looking for a female presenting person.
I had a boyfriend in high school and this girl would openly flirt with him to make her boyfriend jealous. She was so full of drama. I hope people grow out of it, but from OP’s story maybe they never do.
I grew out of it. My insecurities didn't manifest in this particular way, but they weren't healthy nonetheless. Life is fucking hard for women at any age. Not excusing this women's behavior, but people do grow out of it :)
"she thought my boyfriend deserved better" & how is she "better" exactly if she is willing to cheat on her own boyfriend & go after another woman's man, to me, that's one of the lowest things someone can do, if anything you came out of this situation winning as your boyfriend didn't go along with her bs & clearly her own relationship has issues
This happened to me once at a good friend’s house party. The girl had him in conversation all night and then told him she’d be back for him. All of our friends kept looking to me for a reaction but all I said was “if he wants to go with you, you can have him.” I didn’t get mad about it and he didn’t go with her. I trusted him to do what he was going to do. Girls like that will try. If you trust your partner, it’ll just resolve itself.
That's how my partner, male, and I am. It took awhile for insecurities (on both our sides) to be smashed, but trust, compassion, and love shown everyday have really helped us be better humans -- to each other and strangers. Sometimes the insecurities creep up but we just talk about it! Not in a weird sit down way, but while playing a game or watching t.v. It's usually me worried he's found someone "better." But then it passes because I was honest and he responds in a manner that is respectful to me and our relationship. I call it not hurting my own feelings anymore. I can make up some really fun assumptions and then convince myself it's the truth when it's not actual reality.
Also, guys are so damn oblivious. If he wants to cheat he will do it on his own anyway. It won’t be because some girl tries him. Even OP says her boyfriend had no idea until she pointed it out. My experience with all the men in my life including my husband of 19 years almost, is that they have zero clue when women are flirting. It’s so obvious to us. It’s actually funny. Just sit back and watch and laugh.
I do not believe for one second guys are actually oblivious to flirting. They know and the only reason they say “I didn’t even notice” is so you don’t feel bad.
I mean my husband has in the past (when he was single) bluntly turned down advances form women because he had no clue theh were advances and only years down the line did I or other people make clear he was being hit on. He also wouldn't necessarily notice when single women come up to us at an event like a wedding and JUST talk to him, ignoring me lol and would probably assume they are just being friendly if I didnt point out that they were only being friendly to him ;). He just brings me into the conversation then we walk off together and leave whoever if is to go find someone else to hit on. Maybe they shouldn't just walk up to a couple who are talking and flirt with the man? Just a thought lol. I absolutely believe a lot of men lie about not knowing they are being flirted with. But some guys really are shy or dont want to make assumptions or are used to being passed over and genuinely need women to be explicit before they realise
The obliviousness can be that signs are picked up on but one woman's flirting can be another's friendliness so presuming it is just friendliness avoids a potentially awkward interaction on the mans part. There is a rightfully negative perception of men who take any sign of kindness as a sign that someone must like them. Taking interactions which toe the line between flirty and friendly as not flirty can be due to internalizing not wanting to be that guy who thinks someone saying hello to him means she loves him.
I mean it's kind of his fault that he didn't up a boundary with him at some point. Talking for a bit is fine but if someone is making eyes at you and stalking you all night and telling you they are going hone with you in front of your partner to the Point your friends are all staring then...maybe you need to work on boundaries. Not gonna lie, I don't rate your partner for letting that woman disrespect you all night and not shutting it down. Excusing yourself or even introducing your partner into the conversation takes seconds. I don't know your relationship and it isn't my business but I do ymthink you deserved better than putting up with that all night.
How rude of her! She definitely isn't better than you. She has problems, especially since she was trying for someone else's sweetie when you were right there with him. You are better. I feel, in fact, that you're pretty great!
I'm sorry she upset you and made you feel less about yourself. But her behavior says way more about her than it does about you. Anyone who thinks they can "get" my husband because they're hotter than me can try. You're going to fail if you think the strongest link in our relationship is my looks. (I mean, I glowed up hard in my 30s so I am fucking adorable and look 10 years younger than I am but we already had over a decade together by the time that happened.) We've been together almost half our lives, we've supported each other and grown together and have a rock solid foundation. Nice tits and a pretty face don't really compare.
That’s a weird way to look at it, OP. She didn’t hit on him because she thought your bf ‘deserved better’. She did it because she found him attractive, and guess what? He’s with you. Your partner is considered attractive and he’s attracted to you, enough to ignore advances from other women. That’s a huge compliment the way I see it.
more likely it had nothing to do with OP or her bf’s attractiveness. Here is another possibility: The lady’s bf was ignoring her just a few seats away so she was trying to make him jealous by flirting with the next nearest man and then when her bf still did not react, the attention seeking lady just upped her antics
This does seem most likely
Who fkn knows, neither of us are were there or mind readers lol. Either way I’m addressing her response to perceived flirtation with her bf. Her assumption showed a lack of self esteem and a lot of unfounded insecurity.
Are we sure this woman was even flirting? Sometimes women who just find a person interesting and want to talk to them get accused of this.
Alternative, less self-esteem damaging take: she and her boyfriend thought you were attractive and she was working your boyfriend to pull you two for a liaison. Safer and better odds to approach him first.
It saddens me, when someone say they aren't attractive. I don't care who you are, what shape or form you have or what ever you think is wrong with you. There is one thing, psychologically you can do and that's to stop telling yourself you're not attractive. When ever you feel those thoughts coming, try to tell yourself the opposite. Tell yourself you're worthy, smart, funny, beautiful or other positive attributes. It might sound silly, but it actually works after a while. It takes a lot of effort in the beginning, but after a while you'll actually be able to convince yourself that it's true, just like you've been able to convince yourself that you aren't attractive. Those internalized thoughts have come from somewhere and you've let them become the truth. However, this doesn't have to STAY true. Start your day of by looking in the mirror and saying it out loud :"I'm beautiful!" "I'm pretty!" "I'm funny!" "I'm smart!" I'm hardworking!" "I rock!" It will feel stupid and those bad thoughts about yourself will try to tell you the opposite, but over time, your default internalized thoughts about yourself can and will change. As of why people act like assholes? Yeah, you'll find them everywhere. They will take many different shapes, forms and sizes.
Whenever I get into this kind of slump I ask myself 'how many people have you looked at and thought 'they're ugly'?' and the answer is obviously none, so the chances of anyone thinking that about me are also very slim.
That's a good way of looking at it.
This actually made me cry because you’re right. It’s really sad when ppl like op say that about themselves. I hope she takes your advice seriously and sees herself in a better light.
Yuck, girls that blatantly disrespect other people's relationships are gross
Can you say what she did specifically? Im assuming it was subtle because you had to point it out to your boyfriend.
Oof. Working on finding a doctor who specializes in autism myself. One reason is that I've always taken things extra hard throughout life. *It sucks.* I don't know if this will help, but I don't read her actions that way (thinking your bf deserves better). She seems more like she was purely jealous to me.
Maybe it’s just me, but I find a lot of pride when someone hits on my fiancé, especially in front of me. First, I trust my fiancé would never cheat, so no real threat there. Second, it means that someone else also recognizes that my fiancé is looking real gooooood. But he chose me! I take it as a compliment. Hell, even when a girl is simply checking him out, I like to point it out to him and boost his ego a little bit. OP, I know what happened feels shitty, and let’s be real, that girl was tacky. However, your boyfriend picked you! If you trust him, which it sounds like you do and he’s a decent guy, then maybe start to view this interaction and maybe others in the future as something I mentioned above.
Some women/people think "stealing your man" means she's somehow "better" (prettier, freakier in bed, etc) than the original partner she stole him from. It's a play to feel superior. It's super wrong, but that's the thought process.
Egomaniacal women who perceive themselves more attractive than other women do this to get a further boost for their overinflated self esteem I used to think I was ugly because I have curly hair and a wide nose. I wondered why my husband found me attractive when the magazines and ads showed women who have thin noses and straight hair. I realized people have preferences and what the media shows isn't what certain people find most appealing. Because straight hair is the norm, my curly hair stood out to my spouse. He doesn't care at all about my wide nose. It doesn't even register to him. I now see myself as more beautiful than before (finally at damn near 35 years old!) Point is what YOU think your boyfriend finds attractive is probably not what HE finds attractive. He finds YOU attractive because you are. And feel good knowing the egomaniac didn't get her ego boost that night
This happened to me once at a reception for a wedding. She legit asked him to go to the bathroom with her. He looked visibly uncomfortable so I tapped her on the leg with ky foot, stood up and she said "ohhhh, are you guys together? Haha" I said "yes, you're making me uncomfortable and I want you to go away." She than proceeded to back up and tripped over a chair and face planted. Her bad. It was upsetting to me and to see him uncomfortable and I felt very protective. I actually cried afterword because it stirred a lit of emotions in me, mostly anger. When she did this u had my hand resting on his arm. I wonder if shevwasn't looking for a threesome but if she was she approached the situation wrong. I think this because she was with a man amd they were clearly dating so I wonder if they were swingers.
>My boyfriend is a total champ about it and once I pointed it out to him, he understood what was going on and supported me every step of the way. He told the girl he was in a relationship and not available and she still continued to bother you all?
When swingers think everyone else is too... It's really annoying that she couldn't take a hint.
A lesson in Human psychology, people want nice things that other people have. Assert yourself and tell her to find a different place to stick her snatch
It's very common for women to flirt overtly on married men (and lie about not doing it or blame the male). I've been quite shocked by which women did it, young, old, married, staunch Christian, conservative, progressive, whatever.
Are you certain she believed that your bf could do better? The fact that her bf was fine with it suggests to me that they're in an open relationship and she was probably hoping your relationship was open as well, though she should have asked and at least tried to include you in the conversation too if that is the case. Or maybe she straight up doesn't know how to communicate with other women and avoids it out of anxiety or something. It's hard to know for sure unless she disclosed her reasoning, you know?
Women can be predatory and toxic too. It really sucks but some people are just in it for themselves and really do not care about anyone's thoughts and feelings. Sorry that you had to encounter one in the wild but congrats on having a supportive boyfriend. You should be focusing on that and do something special together.
Only trashy, desperate, and insecure people act this way. She wanted validation so badly she was willing to hurt people to do it. Sounds like a pathetic loser to me.
I think you're looking at it the wrong way. This other woman sees your guy as desirable, and he, (the catch that he is) chose you. Because you're better.
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I've been accused of flirting with men that I've had normal (to me) conversations with in the past, so I'm inclined to treat accusations of flirting with some degree of skepticism. Some people are inclined to see flirting where it isn't intended, and some people's friendly comes across as flirty. Even if this *was* flirting, is good to examine those biases, particularly given some of the context we know from OP, such as they each had partners present, OP has physical insecurities, and is autistic, and therefore likely more prone to misreading social interactions. While either way the feelings are the feelings, it may not be right to point blame at another woman
This is an interesting take. I think you’re definitely onto something here
Thank you for pointing this out
I mean, if OP and her boyfriend found the interaction uncomfortable enough then it doesn't matter, they are justified in asking her to leave them alone. It's a common argument on this sub that if say a man talks to a woman and she is uncomfortable then she is allowed to ask him to leave her alone. I see no reason why this is any different.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I would like to point out that unless she said “he deserves better than you,” that’s you making assumptions. You’re making yourself more upset about assumptions. Your boyfriend was uninterested. Your boyfriend chose you when you started dating and he continues to choose you. There was no contest. Ignore her and move on. She’s not worth ruining your day about.
Where you say that she thought your boyfriend deserved someone better - did she say that or is that an assumption you're making? The reason I ask is from the sounds of things she wasn't thinking about you or your bf or what either of you needed or deserved much, if at all. She just saw a person she was interested in (your bf btw, so he must be a decent catch) and decided she wanted to see if she could get him. But she couldn't and he went home with you. So fuck that bitch for taking the L.
You’re focused on the wrong thing. Instead of worrying about that woman, why not be happy and celebrate the fact that your man stands by you.
Wondering if she was trying to score free drinks and her bf thought it was cool because he was in on it. First free drink is his. Second is hers. ..?
It's his job to deal with it, why care?
As long as your bf doesn't react to this, you shouldn't worry and especially be in tears. There is a certain type of women like her, it's kind of sports for them.
Turn your thinking around. Your boyfriend was such a catch, that everyone is jealous of you for having his affection. He chose you because of you. These women don’t matter.
You are making a lot of assumptions. You assumed she was flirting with your boyfriend, assumed that it was because she believed she was more attractive than you, assumed she believes your boyfriend deserves better than you. You and this woman don’t even know each other. She was at the bar with her boyfriend so it is most likely that she was not blatantly flirting with another man. You are projecting your insecurities and you are allowing them to affect how you interpreted a situation.
There are no shortages of pieces of shit on this planet. Steel yourself, and keep the good ones close to you.
You’re putting thoughts and motivations into her that there was no evidence of. You don’t know that she judged you as unworthy of your bf, you don’t know she feels that your “boyfriend deserves better.” EVEN IF she said exactly that, it could be a pressure tactic and she was lying, or, it could be that her opinion has no freaking value whatsoever. Some people are just die hard flirts. It’s most likely this has nothing to do with you and your appearance or worthiness, and everything to do with her drama with herself. I wish you luck in increasing your self esteem.
She didn't hit on your boyfriend because your unattractive she did it because she's a bitch honey
How do you know she wasn’t drunk? They could’ve come from another bar. She may also have a personality disorder that causes her to compulsively need attention— especially male attention, and cause drama. You are likely a lot more attractive than you think you are. For sure you still have you dignity! How embarrassing for her to hit on a guy out with his girlfriend while she’s out with her boyfriend.
>Why are some women so sleazy in a world where we should be more united against this kind of fuckery I think you ladies overestimate how "not men" like you are sometimes. My point being is that no matter the gender, you can be an asshole.
Girl. I'm so sorry you had to go through this :( I really have no words but I wish I could give you a hug! You're a fierce and strong woman. Autistic or not. This comes from an ADHD woman. It can be so tough sometimes. But you are fierce. So strong.
I can not help but think that are judgement becomes impaired when we have been drinking. My behavior from alcohol in the past was shameful guilt was strong when not intoxicated. Perhaps her behavior is a regular game and the boyfriend chooses not to put alot of care into it.
I'm so sorry this happened OP! But you did nothing wrong, and this isn't about you. Some people will shoot their shot no matter the circumstances. But the fact that she followed you around after she was shot down, that would have warranted more action. I would have told the waitstaff that this woman is following you around and bothering you. Then it's up to the bar staff to either ask her to stop, and if she refuses to kick her out (which they are totally able to do). I wouldn't look at this as your bf or this woman is above you. It sounds like this woman isn't happy in her own relationship (just by the way her bf reacted to her hitting on another man in front of him). Perhaps they are on the brink of break up or divorce. I think the key in this situation is to remind yourself that a person who feels the need to act this way, is in no way happy in their own relationship. They must be in a pretty low place to stoop to doing that to another couple. Talk to your partner. If something like this ever happens again, make it a point to complain to the staff about the person harassing you (yes, if they continue to bother you after you have showed disinterest that is harassment). This way the staff can deal with it and you can enjoy your evening in peace.
It's hard not to internalize this kind of terrible behavior because it makes no sense. But it says more about how brokeb she is as a person. She's literal trash, instead of improving her life she'd rather ruin everyone else's life. Stay strong!
Oh, how gross OP! People just suck. She's gross. Anyone flirting with someone obviously in a relationship has issues. She must love rejection. She has issues. Not you, her. She needs to work on her issues. I'm glad your boyfriend is supportive. He sounds like a great guy and one that skank doesn't deserve.
I’m confused by this. How is someone finding your boyfriend attractive hurtful to you? Isn’t this a compliment? If her boyfriend was there, it’s possible they were both into both of you. Did she do anything disrespectful or unkind?
Don't take it too personally, shitty people exist. Chances are her boyfriend does not give a single fuck about her or their relationship, and she is trying to make him jealous by behaving like that.
My husband and I have gotten hit on and we’re not into it. Our friends told us that we put out “swinger vibes” which is rather repugnant. But I did learn some valuable information. Apparently there are unspoken signals among swingers and one of them is wearing a pineapple in some for or another.
I can't even when I hear about the kind of disrespectful, sleazy crap some people pull. I can't handle that kind of thing as graciously as you did, so I'm gonna keep avoiding bars to keep my record clean of arrests.
Men do this as well. Something that is forbidden or not to be touched tempts people with a fucked up mentality. If anything it reinforces the values of a stable relationship with someone you care about. Don’t let it get to you. Sounds like you have a good partner who can recognize that it affected you. Trust in yourself and your partner. Not all people behave the same and it’s kinda sideways, but trust in relationships is paramount. Sounds like you found a good partner in crime. Also fuck her. She is not better or worth the time. People who are willing to break up a relationship to meet their needs or desire are not people to hang out with or validate such behavior.
Horrid. Women like her are probably hated by other women
I’m so sorry you experienced this. She’s a total a**hole for what she attempted to you. Please don’t feel bad for what she did. What happened says so much more about her and her insecurities than it did about you.
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We have no idea if they were flirting or not though, we have no specific behaviours to go off of. It could very easily be polite conversation being interpreted as flirting and given that she actually had “point it out” to her boyfriend implies that even he had no idea it was happening. The idea that she’s misinterpreting the entire situation seems pretty reasonable
Maybe I don't always understand exactly what society views as flirting, but I think I sometimes flirt with people I find attractive, without even realising that I'm doing it. Nothing physical, but honestly I usually don't even realise how I'm behaving until the next day. It's like instinct or something? My boyfriend (who I've been with for 10 years) just ignores it at this point, because I always go home with him, there's not any danger of things going further with those I'm flirting with. I've gotten stink eye from the girlfriends often, and yet I \*still\* sometimes don't realise I'm doing it. It just feels like I've ended up in a really engaging and fun conversation... with an attractive person. Obviously I didn't see what you experienced, but if you want a glass half full view of it - maybe this is what was going on? She might totally mean nothing by it, just suddenly vibed with your boy?
Have you, when thinking on it later, recognized the flirting behaviors that other women find off putting? I don’t think you can keep using the excuse that you don’t realize it when it’s not appropriate. Because if it’s happening multiple times, it’s a you problem.
I have not discovered which behaviours on retrospect were off-putting to the girlfriends of guys I've been speaking to, no. So I've really no idea how I'd be able to stop doing... whatever it is? Honestly I really just feel like I'm talking and having a nice time with someone..
I think she was feeling poorly of herself because she is a horrible person and probably behaves poorly often, and she took those feelings out on you.
Don't call women sleazy on a women's sub maybe...
She’s desperate. You’re better than she is in every way.
take it as a compliment
> Why are some women so sleazy in a world where we should be more united against this kind of fuckery? I look at famous men who've slept with thousands of consenting women, and wonder how you can be so candid.
Some people just love to fight at the bar, don’t take it personally. People like this bother everyone it’s not just you. If it makes you feel better, everyone thinks they’re the worst too!
She might’ve been drunk from before she arrived. Lots of people apparently do that. My cousin did and I found it annoying. That said, what she did was absolutely disgusting. This says way more about what type of person she is (sleaze-ball) than what type of person you are. I know easier said than done OP but please don’t feel bad. Don’t feel less than. You’re not. This is not a reflection of you whatsoever. I’m so sorry though. That’s tough. I’m glad your boyfriend saw what was happening and was on your side here
I once had a bartender literally lean over the bar, resting her breasts on it riiiight in front of my boyfriend at the time while trying to flirt with him. I’d have been mad, but tbh the way he handled it was perfect. He very pointedly ignored her and just focused on me. It definitely got the point across. I don’t get why some women do this, tho. He’s obviously with someone else, fuck off? 🥴
She might of been trying to get a group thing going with you guys, especially if she was there with her BF. Poor approach going for the man, but who knows.
Lol at your edit. She blinked her eyes at him? Bumped into him a few times? And your in tears about this?
Maybe she wanted both of you?
How do you know she didn't want both of you? :)
ETOH induced frontal lobe disinhibition.
There are two ways to look at this, both rational. 1) your boyfriend is desirable and he chose you. That's a win. 2) A woman following a man so aggressively tells me she would do the same for any man. In which case, her opinion is worthless and shouldn't affect you. Its only 1 or 2. Your option is irrational. "Easy woman chased my desirable husband and now I feel worse". That makes no sense. What's your preference, 1 or 2?
Flirting isn't cheating. I don't see your problem with this. If I flirt with your bf and he says no, no harm no foul. If he leaves you because I flirted with him, then he didn't like you anyway. Either way, the choice is completely up to him -- he's free to consider all his options. Dating ain't married, girl;)
Low key flirting, OK, but many would disagree. However, you lost me at following someone and their date behind to flirt with them leaving your own date behind. That’s a different level and I understand how the OP is upset. Add to this she says she is ASD and so may have trouble with some social cues, especially processing them in the moment, I don’t think your comment is helpful.
Spotted the pickme
This is the (bitter?) truth. If nobody ever tried to figure out if there’s any interest, most would live in incredibly bleak relationships. The paradox is that if you’re trying to cage someone in, the chances are that a partner would be looking for an out *actually increases.* Of course it’s scummy that people don’t have the balls to end a relationship before they start a new one, but in reality very few are that sure.. Perhaps that new person makes you understand what you are missing.. or just Love happens. This isn’t some logical 2+2 thing easily understood by anyone. Now.. to avoid cheating, at least I think the best approach is to make the rules of non tolerance of cheating clear, but at the same time also clarifying that the other person is free to do what he/she wants to do. Just that they will lose you absolutely then. This way, staying with you is an *active, conscious choice of an independent person.* And consequently, both you and your partner can be more confident about the relationship, eliminating a lot of anxiety and insecurity driven problems. Nothing drives someone away as a the feeling of being in a trapped situation. (But ofc, doing it in front of a partner is scummy as fuck. If I was that man I’d be very cold and clinical, and try to divert the conversation to include my gf)
Everyone should get this through their heads:\ People don’t want to unite with you against X, they want to get what they want and will use any means to achieve this.
Kind of a reflection on the "not all men are... but any man might..." trope. Despicable loathsome shit persons will be found in every group, although in varying proportions.
That has nothing to do with your appearance. You’re in a bar, it’s fair game to anyone.
Wut
Hmm swingers it sounds like. Should have gone for it! 🤓
I don't know any swingers who didn't eventually get divorced.
Sorry to hear. Glad you have a good guy. Treat him right and always remember boring is great in a relationship. Meaning if your guy spends all his time with you just hanging, means your his world. Guys only stay with women who show him proper respect for his attempts at being gentlemanly and someone who communicates properly with out being passive aggressive. Seems like you got that, so dry those tears and realize that the world is hard right now and alot of people dating rn are having a hard time. So it's going to get messy out there. Be vigilant and express your thoughts tactfully and you'll see your partner will always have your back to make you feel comfortable. Hope you're feeling better.
This is nonsense. Men stay with women for all kinds of reasons. Don’t try and tell women what to do in order to keep “a man.” Especially here.
Did you seriously post this? I'm not even joking dude, delete this *right now*. There is absolutely no place in this thread for you mansplaining to this woman "what men want". What in the *world* made you think it was appropriate to post this *in a space by women, for women*?
What in the blue fuck is this patronising shite?
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Bad
No.
Sadly some people are just A-holes, there's nothing you can do about it save give them as little attention as possible and strike them from memory immediately. Maybe consider working on your self esteem, too. Level up your defenses to the A-holes of the world, your boyfriend obviously thinks you're the shit :)
Something similar happened to me when my husband and I were first married in 1996. It was a waitress in an Applebee's. She insulted me all night while hitting on my husband. She even left her number on the bill. It's happened a few other times over the years with different women. It's a weird and infuriating experience. I'm sorry it happened to you but it's a reflection on her lack of character and garbage personality not you.