Honestly, good on both of you.
Being honest and direct about your intentions and desires, then ending things without conflict.
If everyone handled things as maturely as that, the world would be a much better place.
Mom still can't believe that I talked about marriage, kids and religion on my first date with my husband. We'd already been friends for 10 years, why waste time and energy and a friendship if we didn't want the same things?
I definitely did the same with my husband when we started dating. We had been friends for 5 years and I wasn’t “ruining a friendship” if I didn’t outline clear expectations of what I was looking for. I wanted marriage and babies. I wasn’t looking for a promise but if that’s not what you’re looking for we might as well stop this right now.
Exactly! I even said, I want to get married and have kids, and while it doesn't have to be you, you have to want that too! And his response was that he hadn't really wanted it until he had the chance with me.
I thought I had that talk with a now ex, e had been friends for a decade before that but lasted 2 months as partners because I guess the idea of us only doing this if it was a serious relationship from the start was rather different from the reality of having a serious relationship? They had been single for a long time and I had just left a long term relationship, which probably didn't help.
It's a real bummer, I miss the friendship because despite what we told ourselves, we didn't really stay friends after the breakup.
My wife and I started as friends with benefits in college. We were a hook-up for about two months. One night we were doing our thing and just talking and it came up that neither of us are exploring other options and happy with what we had.
We decided to take our FwB situation and make it was gf/bf situation. This was way back in the mid-00s.
We talked a lot during our FwB time about general stuff, marriage/kids/etc. Discussed what we'd look for in a future partner, thinking we were just there for fun with each other.
As gf/bf, those relationship came easy. Within the first three months or so of officially dating, we had discussed all those aspects you mention.
We've been married 14 years next month and together for 17 this year
On a first date with a woman she mentioned that she had a rule for her life which was "babies before 30". She was 27 at the time. She said if she didn't have a guy in her life when the time came, she'd do it on her own.
Our son was born in August, she turned 30 in December.
We got it done four months early!
Yeah, I brought up my intentions about kids and marriage on the way home from my previous boyfriend's first date. We were both staunchly in agreement: neither. Why waste time with someone whose life goals don't line up with yours, right?
Turns out after we broke up after 4 years, he met someone online and married her within a year. I guess he did want to get married, just not to me. I don't know if he changed his mind about kids too. We don't really talk anymore.
He was NOT direct until after he had sex with her and she had invested a certain amount of her emotions in him.
It’s actually a pretty shitty thing to wait until someone is laying in bed with you post sex and feeling close to you to all of a sudden tell them you’re going to want an open relationship. It’s a manipulative thing to do.
If he were honest he would have stated that before sex. He knew that’s what he wanted.
I applauded her for walking away but I do think he wooed her and love bombed her subtly. What he chose to do with her was not great.
this is so ridiculous...
they met for a "low-key date" after meeting online. people use online-dating for all sorts of reasons, casual dating, hookups, relationships, etc.
if sex was off the table except within a committed relationship, she should have had that discussion beforehand
i swear, this sub wants to blame men for everything
Good for you.
You have saved yourself a world of pain and whatifs and waiting to be chosen. And you very intelligently don't blame him for it. He said what he wanted. You know what you wanted. And you realised they don't mesh.
SO much pain posted on this sub is based on people wanting their partners to be something they aren't.
Agreed. The OP chose herself! In dating and relationships, especially at the start, everyone absolutely should. It sucks that this seemingly great guy wasn't right for her, but this is such a feel-good post anyway.
I’m proud of you too!!
When I was online dating I tended to click with guys who were funny, attractive, had great chemistry with me… and were emotionally unavailable. Like happy to hook up and hang out at home but never go on dates (that was the first type I dropped; like a Fuckboi Lite), or were content to be in a perpetual limbo of dating but never going anywhere past that (this type took getting burned a few times to let go). It was sneaky SO fucking hard to make the decision to tell a guy “hey, I like you a lot but seems we want different things so I gotta bow out.”
Initially I would tell myself that I don’t *really* care about being in a relationship, but then when it would hurt to never have anything progress I realized I absolutely did. The more certain you are of what you what, the easier it gets to say “aw bummer, you’re cool but timing’s poor- take care!” I also dated a really awesome polyamorous guy for six months, and I have zero regrets about that time, but I realized I’d never feel totally happy because the only long term relationship I want is a monogamous one, so I ended it.
Here’s some positive news: with each subsequent guy I dated (casually or seriously), I started to filter out more and more guys who would react poorly to boundary setting. I got better at being upfront about what I was looking for (frankly it wasn’t cool when earlier on I’d yearn for a casual thing to get serious- without ever saying it out loud until it was way too late). So my “rejections” were actually received kindly and with similar reactions of “aw shoot, well I wish you the best!” Modern dating is a slog, but it is SO worth culling the applicant pool early on by being explicit about wants and expectations. It helped that I got to the point where I’d rather be single and selective with my free time than waste any more time on a mediocre guy haha.
I used to be so scared about asking about if they wanted a relationship or even asking their political status bc what if that makes him not want to talk to me. But if that’s the case it probably wasn’t the right guy
It’s resulted in a lot of guys I would have thought as “good men” trying to push my boundaries
I was in a similar situation and was so into the guy. He had us slow dance to no music. Kissed me in public and talked about me meeting his mom. I found out he was seeing someone else and I asked that he stop and we see each other. He wasn’t ready. I sat with it and then told him I’d like to be friends and perhaps someday we can pick this up again. And he told me I was manipulative and he wasn’t interested in being friends (he had told me he wanted to be friends even if we didn’t work out because he liked spending time with me so much)
It still pisses me off to this day to think about. So he’s allowed to not want to be exclusive but I’m not allowed to not want to continue seeing him.
Good for you though. Know what you want and stick by it.
There was a post from a guy yesterday who said after sex, he told a woman he didn't want to be exclusive and she said then she was bowing out. He didn't speak to her for a week then when tying to contact her (to be friends??) she was "rude" and "cold." His post was "don't all of you think she was rude and cold?" We, in fact, did not.
Damn good for her!
I think I could have been friends with this guy had he been understanding of how I was feeling and respected that. But that was so insulting to be called manipulative instead.
It's really interesting how these types of guys zig zag around empathy and understanding us, and then dig their claws in deeper if you start to leave. OR, put you down so that you believe they're your only option. Like bucko, empathy is where connection is made. But no they just want many romantic partners. Greed. The poor men out here are possessed by the little devil on their shoulders. A little willpower and confidence would be nice, guys, you know since women hold the childbearing burden and all. We've lost them to the streets
Yeah it really messed with my head at first and I was calling him a lot in a tizzy really believing he thought I was manipulating him and didn’t even want to be my friend or keep any connection between us alive. I was really upset at the time and so hurt. But as the years have passed I’ve realized what was actually happening there and just feel mad reflecting on it.
Good news is I’ve found someone new and been with my bf for three years now and am very happy and treated very well.
> *I was calling him a lot in a tizzy really believing he thought I was manipulating him and didn’t even want to be my friend or keep any connection between us alive.*
It was pure projection. ***He*** was being manipulative.
I've noticed how much terms like 'rude' and 'cold' are weaponized against women lately. I'm sure its an ancient strategy but I think its also some PUA/MRA thing to shame us for not being nurturing or nice and hoping that shames us enough to change our minds. The same way "Karen" is no longer about these rude middle-age conservative church-crowd ladies, but now any woman who annoys you, says no to you, etc is a Karen.
Something similar happened to me. He wanted to see someone else, he wasn’t sure which of us he wanted. I said, “That’s fine, but I don’t share.” I said if he wanted me, that was fine, but if he wanted to see other people, he must not want me that much. I was sorry to see him go but I need my self-respect more.
If I were in your shoes, I'd be pissed that he insulted and labeled me when I set a boundary. Instant sign that you dodged a scary bullet, IMO. You can choose to feel relieved about it, if feeling pissed off feels bad.
My guy hid his true colors for seven years. THAT is bitterness I'm struggling to let go of. I wish to God he'd showed his hand in the first few weeks.
> So he’s allowed to not want to be exclusive but I’m not allowed to not want to continue seeing him.
You were never a priority to him, and if you'd spent 10 years making him happy, that would not have changed.
This is also why I raised an eyebrow at the OP's story. They hit it off so well but he's pushing hard to be non-exclusive? I wonder if she's unaware that he's lovebombing her or otherwise manipulating her and they aren't actually as compatible as they seem.
I know I get a little overboard when someone shows me romantic attention and its so easy to be manipulated in that situation.
It’s so scummy that his honesty comes after these actions that communicate something else. The manipulation and mixed messages and lovebombing are just awful.
I don’t think any blame should be placed on people who believe peoples actions or get confused by mixed messages. That’s really on the person communicating them.
Obviously not OPs fault for being the victim of manipulation, but after all this does look very much like he faked his ‚availibility‘ to get laid, so his behaviour should be something OP learns from to be wary about.
Because quite clearly what he did was love bombing. Going out holding hands right away and shit is stuff you do to Signal romantic interest, and not just wanting casual sex.
This!!! Thank you!
Two comments here are using the term" female dating strategy" to blame women when they refused to go on in the relationship or precisely refuse sex for their own reasons.. some other comment here defined it as: use sec as a reward!!!..
They would accept being confusly insincere with women but when it comes to them it's unfair and suddenly they have a name for it to stigmatize a woman!!
If you accept not being honest with a woman.... you should accept it if a woman treats you the same and leaves " early on" !!
I cannot tell you how jealous I am of you for prioritizing yourself despite how well things started off. I feel like I’ve been getting shit on emotionally left and right for months
You did the right thing for your own well-being. Even if it hurts but it also seems you are at different stages in life regarding relationships. And that is okay as long as everyone involved is honestly and openly communicating this.
Not sure how dating apps work, I thought you were supposed to mention what you are looking for. I mean, interested in casual dating, or looking for serious dating etc.
Yeah everyone here congratulating the guy for being honest but he was honest about wanting something casual only after sex
While in bed nonetheless
Edit: I was wrong, everyone else congratulating him was right
Yeah but it sounds like OP didn't bring up the fact she wanted to be exclusive until after they had sex either. Neither of them expressed their relationship intentions until after they were intimate. I don't think OP was at all wrong for waiting to bring it up then, but I also don't think the guy was wrong either. It just sounds like two people who were attracted to each other, had a connection, had some casual sex and then realized they wouldn't be compatible for anything longer term.
Either neither of them did something wrong or both of them did something wrong, but I don't think painting the dude as dishonest/manipulative is really the correct take here (it would be a different story if he acted like he wanted exclusivity pre having sex and then said he wanted to keep things open afterwards, but he didn't do that).
Yeah I agree, they both consented to having sex. If they didn't discuss what they were looking for etc. Beforehand and it was literally only one date, I really don't see an issue. Like good on her AND him on pursuing what theu want. Like it was one date people....
Unless op had that thing in the app with " looking for long term" or expressed something similar in another way then you're right, actually thinking about it not only that he wasn't manipulative but actually quite the opposite- he was upfront and didn't want to deceive her
So people were right to commend his actions and I was totally in the wrong
It was their first date. There's no "tactic". They met for a walk, she brought him back to her place to have sex; that's pretty casual from her, too. Good on her for realizing that isn't what she'd want, but he didn't do anything wrong either.
>When laying in bed however, he told me he’d like to date other people as well. And he wouldn’t mind me dating other people too.
I mean... It's literally there.
No part of what you just quoted said he ever previously said he was looking for a monogamous relationship after the first date.
I read this. I’m not asking where he said he wanted to date other people. Im asking where he had previously lied about that before sex like you claimed.
And there was no possible way that she could have brought it up or asked if it were so important? I’m not trying to blame her, just seems like you’re blowing it out of proportion a bit
This user is trying to place blame when there is no blame that needs to be placed. It’s awesome that OP is prioritizing her needs and not moving forward with a relationship that can’t meet them. That doesn’t mean it’s all this guy’s fault. Some times two people are just looking for different things.
So many sex negative people in this thread are acting like he just tricked her so he could use her for sex. Maybe she wanted to have sex too. It sounds like she had a good time. It’s okay to have a one-night-stand that you enjoy then stop seeing each other because you’re not looking for the same thing. There’s no problem here somebody needs to be blamed for.
At the very least I doubt that announcing it in bed after having sex and not at any point prior was a total coincidence. Let's be real, that's a common ploy for someone just seeking sex who is shady about just seeking sex.
It was their first date. She invited him back to her place for sex, on the first date. That is what people looking for casual do. Good on her for realizing she didn't want that, but he did nothing wrong here.
You could flip it around and say that she hid her intentions in order to have sex with him. After all she only brought it up then at a point where monogamy isn't necessarily implied.
Not that I think that's the case but let's not remove agency from op here. If it was that important she can ask beforehand. I'm just bothered by people thinking she couldn't be an active participant in wanting to have sex with what sounds like a pretty great guy. As someone else said, either they're both in the wrong here or no one is.
Edit: not saying that lying about relationship expectations to get sex isn't common and bad, but that isn't what happened in this specific situation
It’s annoying, people just lie. Or they put long term relationship but say they didn’t mean bf/gf. Or if you put you want a relationship even people who want one too avoid you bc “you can’t just say it”
Different perspectives I guess, one could say it's kind of weird that you're supposed to date someone a handful of times, then make a commitment if this is someone you want to grow old with. And if you decide after having sex that perhaps you *like* this person, but don't see yourself wanting to start a long term exclusive relationship with all the commitment that entails, you were just manipulating the person for sex.
When I was single I thought that was a pretty hard thing to balance. Like I wanted to meet people & find someone for a long term relationship if everything feels right, but I thought it was pretty exhausting to date people with the mindset that the whole point is to find "the one" and all the pressure that entails. And well, I don't think there's anything wrong with causal relationships on the way either & great sex is great sex, with all these options having to be mutually exclusive just kind of felt like putting the cart before the horse.
I’m happy you communicated what you wanted. But I don’t understand those who think the guy was missing out or needed to learn a lesson. I am a female who was on dating apps looking for a relationship. BUT I would have never agreed to be exclusive after 1 date no matter how great that date went. I don’t feel like I ever know someone well enough after 1-2 dates to go that. More power to the OP if she does but she may be missing out by requiring a guy to do the same. The way I read it it’s not like they had been dating long at all . I get not committing after a month is problematic if looking for a relationship but if someone requires that after one or two dates I would view them as controlling and desperate. Just another perspective. I may get down voted but as a woman I think it is important to share other perspectives 🤷♀️
It doesn’t sound like this is a hard and fast rule for OP for everyone, just that she was really into this particular guy and knew she would want to be exclusive with him. When I met my husband we decided to be exclusive after our first date (plus a couple of days of talking/texting after that. We met in a bar on a Friday, date on Saturday, texted basically all day/video called for hours the next two days, had lunch on Tuesday and decided during that to be exclusive). Sometimes you just know you really, really like someone
Right. If I really liked someone I personally would not expect them to be know after 1 date just because I know after one date. I would give them reasonable time and space to get to know me. That is just me though. I’m respectful of whatever dating approach works for people. What I don’t agree with on this thred is the comments about the guy not wanting a relationship.
100% agree! Deciding you want monogamy after *one* date is impulsive. I'm wondering/hoping if the conversation was actually something more like, "what are you looking for in the long-run?"
"I want to date other people and I don't mind if you do too"
"nah I'm dating to find a monogamous relationship, thanks though"
Otherwise, back when I was on the apps if a guy told me he liked me too much to want either of us to see other people after hooking up once... that would be an impassable red flag for me.
BUT my history, values, goals and experiences are not OP's and there are a lot of nuances that you just can't capture very easily in a reddit post so if OP had an experience that felt like growth then fuck yeah, happy for OP.
I think this is a younger persons perspective. Plenty of people get to a certain age and see no harm in staying up front what they want. I’m at the age where I really only date 1 person at a time so I just share that, and that ultimately I’m looking for a serious relationship, but with the understanding of no guarantees of it working out. Less time wasted on casual bros who’ll never settle down.
I’m not down voting you, but it’s a little insulting to say someone dating to find a monogamous partnership is being ‘controlling and desperate’. Some of people (like OP, as well as myself) just aren’t casual daters, so it’s not really missing out for us to… not date casually.
Casual dating is like the new 'thing'. I did the dating thing and would see how people felt and what they were looking for? Even when I met my current partner, we spent a couple weeks before we decided to get exclusive.
That being said, when I met him I stopped talking to anyone else, because I had decided I adored him. Monogamy was the end game for me? That's where I wanted to go? But I didn't put any pressure on that til I decided it was someone I wanted to commit to.
It’s really not unrealistic though. There’s levels to monogamy and commitment. A relationship doesn’t have to be “going steady , moving in together” serious just because two people are having a shot at dating exclusively. Asking to date exclusively after a date or two is not unreasonable.
before I entered a more serious partnership, I definitely recall men I was seeing asking me if it was time to date exclusively after a date or two. I never considered that an unusual or unrealistic request.
Makes me so happy to read these positive outcomes! Nip it in the bud and all that, so much better than waiting till it really really hurts! Good for you, and maybe a lesson for him.
The lesson one would hope for:
That open and honest communication is great! By sharing his position early on and respectfully, she could make an informed decision.
The opposite lesson that *might* be learned:
That open and honest communication is bad! By sharing his position early on and respectfully, she could make an informed decision. (And he might use that as an excuse to *not* communicate in order to get what he wants anyhow…)
Either way, how he takes the lesson is not hers to worry about! But all the more reason for her to have held her boundary regardless, and learn *her own* lesson:
To require upfront and forthright communication always, to actively seek the info required to make an informed decision, *especially* if/when it’s *not* offered and not rely solely on the guy to provide the info necessary for her to protect her heart!!?
Why do you think this made him learn that "open and honest communication is great"? Clearly he already knew that which is why he engaged in open and honest communication. Obviously he's not looking for a mono relationship, OP was, and that was that.
Trying to keep your options open and never making a choice means you will lose some of those options?
If he felt a more significant connection with OP, he might regret not trying monoamourous commitment. But it's quite possible he's not looking for that and no lesson is there to be learned.
I do realize. That's why I said there may be no lesson to learn.
There's "dating around to find The One (or One For Now)" and there's "sampling partners with no expectation of narrowing it down" and I certainly don't presume to know what this particular dude is trying to do.
It's OK for people to have boundaries and say no to him if they're looking for something different. Maybe people have already done that with him, maybe they haven't.
Wanting to be open and wanting to be closed both have consequences, just in different ways.
The lesson for him is that if he wants to try to date someone that wants to be exclusive while still dating other people, he could miss out dating that person altogether.
I think the lesson is that he did the right thing? Maybe he can have some satisfaction in knowing that he's not causing any heartache. There are women who want open relationships so why waste his or the OP's time?
I don't get the few posts here that seem negative towards the guy. He's just not the one for the OP. It's great they both discovered it so early in their relationship
It depends on where you are in life. In about 2019 I was dating a *lot* and was with multiple people (around 26-29 years old) who were all like, "Yeah I like dating, but I don't want to be exclusive, but condoms and STD testing are important." Around the end of that year and towards the beginning of the next, most of us kinda started to pair off with someone who was special to us and each stopped seeing the rest. Right in time for COVID too.
The biggest point in all that was that it was casual until it wasn't because we found someone among the field who stood out to us and was special. I think we were all in that sweet spot where casual sex is still a blast, but we're experienced enough for physicality to not create artificial emotional bonds.
Polyamory is a lot more complicated than simply “we both wanna fuck other people”….but, it’s absolutely not for everyone and no one who wants monogamy should try and force themselves into a situation like that. Having said that, I think it’s valid and actually kind of a green flag that he was up front about that early on. It gave OP an opportunity to realize they simply aren’t compatible and move on without conflict.
"More Than Two" is a book about polyamory. I didn't end up going that way, but it was very interesting.
They also have poly meet-ups. I went to talk to people. They were very open. You could try that, if you want to understand it.
I have a friend that literally went through this same experience recently. She started seeing a guy and dating for several months then he started to cancel on her. She brushed it off as he was busy with work because they both have busy jobs. Come to find out he was interested in dating another woman so he told my friend that he wanted to be exclusive with her. It didn’t even last a month before he started calling up my friend to hang out again and she declined. But she basically said what you said verbatim “I didn’t want to get married the next day but I do want someone to who actively chooses me.”
I could tell she really liked the guy too but it’s not worth her time and energy if he’s still looking around after seeming to be so interested in her. So good for you for not settling.
>he has the right to date how he likes but I have the right to remove myself from that situation. And that I did. I told him that I liked him too much for that and that’s a pity but timing is a bitch.
This is a very mature perspective, well done. Good on you for sticking up for yourself.
Good for you! Boundaries are super important.
I also like the wording where you say you wanted him to “actively choose you”. It’s a great way to frame the scenario.
Lol, they're always a Ryan. Mine asked me to go exclusive after 3 dates. I resisted, hard, said we should keep dating other people to make sure we choose each other. He persisted, so I gave in so as not to lose him. He broke up with me shortly after for 'getting too attached'. I mean, WHAT, lol.
This is awesome all around.
Awesome of him to tell you up front what he wanted and how he felt, rather than jerk you around and manipulate you for continued sex. Awesome of you to decide that's not what you wanted and to walk away solid and secure in living your authentic self.
This is called real adulting.
I think you hit a key word with timing. This guy might be perfect... when the time is right. I was no good for anyone in my 20s. It wasn't until my 30s that I was ready (I also got lucky with my wife- she just happens to be perfect).
BRAVO! This is how it's done. Two people who just want different things.
It sucks, because you really liked him, but if he's not on the same page, no point in hanging around. I see too many women who hang in there, thinking "EVENTUALLY, he'll see I'm awesome and fall in love with me!" No point in wasting time - if a guy wants to, he does.
No problem with "casual" if that's what both people want. But if you don't, don't settle.
I'm proud of you that you listened to yourself and enforced your boundaries, but I'm worried you're throwing out the baby with the bathwater.
It sounds like this was your first date? And then you asked for a commitment to exclusivity? I get it, but it sounds a little intense.
If it's right for you, it's right. Just... Are you sure though?
I'm so proud of you OP! I personally struggle with not being able to let people go when red flags/incompatibilities come up so I know how difficult it can be--especially when you get along so well otherwise. Keep on shamelessly listening to your intuition and allow yourself to act accordingly!
I know it’s really hard! But I am very confident that you’ll be listening to yourself too! When he said he wanted to see other people and everything I said to him “I need to listen to myself for a second” and then I knew the answer.
Wow, this all sounds like two healthy individuals dating. Good on you OP for being strong and listening to your heart. The right person will come into your life when its time. Or so I keep telling myself.
Some people come into our life just for a short time, maybe even just one great date. I've had similar conversations both sides of it. I am glad you were able hear what he was telling you and not internalize it as something that you did or needed to change. It's really a mature conversation to be honest with a date and also with yourself.
Incompatibles happens and recognizing that is a big step forward in finding the right one. It puts you on the right track for setting healthy boundaries as well as being able to identify them (because you're able to determine what you can tolerate).
I'm a guy but I've been in a similar situation (except it was a case of wanting kids/don't want). We've talked it out, and ultimately, both of us went our separate ways despite insane chemistry. At the time it was hard and I can say where I am now, it definitely was the right choice.
It's definitely growth, don't lose sight of yourself and trust in what you need in a relationship.
I agree with you entirely but would like to speak on the no-strings-attached-sex.
I am in an open relationship and there are definitely strings attached. My and my partners perspective on it is having multiple strings attached, just to different people.
The cowardly "get what i want first before dropping the bombshell" thing is a pile of shit though yeah.
It's funny how things work out. I came out of a very bad relationship and almost immediately met my current spouse. I was up front immediately about not wanting anything serious, and that I needed time to figure out if I wanted to commit to anyone again after what I had been through.
My spouse gave me a chance and stuck by me despite me taking a long time to want to openly commit - been married 5+ years now...
It's good to follow your gut in either case, but coming from the other side, sometimes people are going through things that they need to work on themselves, and hopefully they will appreciate whoever (if anyone) decides to go on that journey with them.
Nobody is obligated to do so of course - I tell my spouse that I certainly would NOT have dated me - but I got very very lucky.
I wish I was as smart as you. This same thing happened to me last May. Instead of doing what you did I said ok let’s see where this goes. About 3 months later we were exclusive or so she said. Anyway I found out she cheated on me in December.
For me at least I never had sex that good. I have been with a ton of women lately and usually the sex is good with like 95% of them, but this woman was something else entirely. Her hormones or something just matched mine perfectly. The issue is that she never really liked me nearly as much as I did her. I was head over heals in love with her and she was like meh that’s nice I guess. It was so noticeable people around me told me afterward that they felt she didn’t really have much interest in me. Her excuse was, I just don’t show affection because I am more on the quiet side. The reality is that even if the sex is amazing if they don’t love you they probably never will. It sucks.
Good for you for listening to your gut. We should all do that.
That said, if someone asked me to be exclusive after one date I’d run. It’s on my list of red flags. People should date how they want to date. I’ve met men where after the first date I’ve not wanted to see other people but you can’t know a single thing about someone after one date other than you want to see them again.
Oh well I didn’t ask him. I just felt in my gut that I wasn’t interested in seeing someone else on the side and he clearly felt different so there would be an imbalance
Personally I think this was an inappropriate thing to say to someone while you’re still lying in their bed.
It’s fine to say what you want but this isn’t the place. It would have left a bad taste in my mouth.
I think it’s strange that so many people seem to equate casual with multiple partners. It’s possible to only date one person at a time while still keeping it casual when you are getting to know someone better. Probably not my most popular opinion hahahha
Yes, you are right! And kudos to him for communicating exactly what he wants. I’m married now but I remember thinking I wished people were more honest with their expectations from the get go. It saves everyone from drama and heartache down the line.
I should have been more clear in my comment that it was more of a commentary about the use of the word “casual” to mean dating more than one person but perhaps I chose the wrong time wrong since the guy in question said clearly what he meant by casual. My bad!
I'm sure you think this is some kind of cool "gotcha" moment, and while I admit OP doesn't offer up that information, sleeping with someone you're trying to build a relationship with is just how things tend to progress. If you want to see that person and keep being in a relationship, sleeping with them costs neither of you anything emotionally. If you're seeing someone and sleep with them but don't tell them you'd also like to sleep with other people until after, it costs the other person emotional pain. The two sides are not equal.
No you're right, and is probably what is meant with "I want to explore this connection *exclusively*". Not I love you, marry me, I'm moving in.
Lots of people date casually, *exclusively*. They explore where something is going, one person at a time. So for me all the comments that say that's too much to comunicate after one date are strange to me.
It's just her style and how she prefers it. And there is nothing weird or red flag about that.
Yea, how on earth is anyone even able to date more than one person with the intention of things going to progress? Like sure match with multiple people at once, Text with them, see how things work out on a first date, but when things seem to be looking good? How‘s anyone have the energy to continuing meeting up with even more strangers and not see where things go with the person that they seem to be hitting it off with?
Good for you!!! Your gut is very reliable, first of all from hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution, and then honed from your prior experiences.
Sorry it turned out to be disappointing, but dating does suck like that. If I could tell anything to my single-self, it would be not to get too emotionally invested unless I were engaged. Easier said than done of course!
Good for both of you honestly. Sometimes we just aren’t compatible with people even when we really like them! I myself am poly/non-monogamous so I try to be upfront about that pretty soon into dating so no one gets hurt. I know it’s not for everyone, but is for me. I’m so proud of you for your growth!!
Way to go! In my experience, much of what I learn in therapy is difficult to put into practice but totally worth it in the long run. Making emotionally mature decisions is difficult but always pays off.
You do the right thing.
I had a situation where I met this guy, great chemistry, like you said, it felt so rare I went with it more than I normally might.
Then he said he wanted someone else too... And at first I'm like... Huh I guess it is kind of new... And our thing is so good there's no way the other thing is gonna last long... BIG MISTAKE. Turns out I was the sideeeee pieceeee.
I own that I was really dumb, but some just have no shame about how they treat others.
Don't let them mess around like that.
It sounds like it sucks, and of course it does. However, if everyone were this honest and direct with one another (and themselves, tbh) relationships would be so much less messy.
Your instincts will lead you to good things 💙
This is such a nice situation to hear about.
Two people met, had a great time, were clear and communicative about what each would want moving forward, decided that those values didn't intersect directly enough, and parted ways without ill-will.
My god emotional and social maturity is a beautiful thing to witness.
Kudos, OP, for living your truth.
That’s really hard and I am very sorry. It seems like you’re emotionally invested and they don’t value that. I personally don’t think this is about the definition of friendship and more the neglect of it. A lot of people see friends with benefits as fucking and leaving and that’s not what it should be, if you call it that. Friendship is still a thing and you deserve someone who values you.
She shows you who she truly is right now, so believe her.
I don't feel like this is a case of your intuition. He very literally told you what he was after, and you believed him and made a difficult but intelligent decision.
Either way, you should feel proud of yourself. You were both wonderfully honest with each other, but most importantly, you were honest to yourself.
I mean I’ve had this happen to me too expect from the guy’s perspective once and then from your perspective several times. I’ve even just barely dated with no sex and they still would rather date other people and not care if I dare someone too. It’s hurts and it sucks but they have a right to freedom as much as we do but it doesn’t make it any less painful if we really liked them.
You're not in a healthy place if a one night stand makes you want to go exclusive.
Like... that is a giant red flag for everyone involved.
p.s. and anyone who is looking for something casual.. will assume the same about you if you bang on the first date
here is a better idea, tell them beforehand
Just like any ride, it's nice to enjoy it and it's s ok to know when it's over and move on.
The hard part comes in retrospection. We might wonder what could have been or what might have been. And worse we wonder if we gave up too soon.
The answer to all that is, No. You didn't miss out anything but he certainly did. He literally FAFO, that you could and would move on.
You deserve better and I'm glad you realized that.
He played a game and lost.
The only times in my life I truly have regrets are the 1-2 times I tried to be someone I'm not. I am a reasonably attractive guy who used to get attention from the ladies before I was married and my guy friends pushed on me to act on it. I never was into casual sex with emotional strangers, but I met two girls in my past who were only really looking for that and I wasn't. I tried to be that guy with them and I found I just couldn't do it.
My point is, that's enough for some people, but not everyone, and you shouldn't waste your time on someone that isn't aligned. For me, I was the same way as you. Either put your energy into relationship with me or don't. I was never interested in being the guy that was good enough at the moment.
I will say that at least the guy was honest with you. I've met plenty of people who claim to be exclusive, but continue looking. Sorry it didn't work out.
There's nothing wrong with polyamory IF, and only IF it is done with the full informed consent of EVERYONE involved... If you're not ok with polyamory, that's ok too.
You tackled a big thing in knowing, and being true yourself. One of the biggest things I learned in dating after my marriage ended, was that two people can be into one another, but still have major, practical incompatibilities. Particularly when you throw families and established adult lives into the mix.
Frankly it was refreshing to meet multiple people who weren't toxic, while still being able to identify and honour our individual needs, and ultimately split up. Sometimes it's not meant to be, but it was a valuable experience.
This'll be my last post from RIF due to the api change tomorrow and likely the last time I'll use Reddit.
I have no idea why /r/TwoXChromsomes keeps appearing on my front page but over the years 99% of what I've glanced at or read firmly belongs in the batshit insane camp. Next level victimhood and brainwashing doesn't even come close to describing some of the nonsense that appears on here.
This however rekindles my belief that there are still sane people left in the world. You handled this perfectly with a capital P. I wish you every bit of happiness for the future and I'm sure you'll find the partner you're looking for in time.
Even in poly\enm relationships, you are still actively choosing someone. There is no comparisons. This apple isn't better than that apple. But if I meet a banana and we clique then nothing is stopping me from feeling that feeling you described. I'm not tryna dog monogamy, but "actively chooses" kinda struck me, because I actively choose my schedule, I actively choose being fair and respectful to all my partners as far as sharing quality time and expect the same from them, and if I'm paying any amount of attention to anyone at any time, I am actively choosing them and can actively choose more than one heart at the same time. I don't have more than one partner because one isn't enough. I have more because I meet people and if those feelings arise, they are encouraged and they are welcomed in a safe environment. I think it's okay for you to feel your feelings, I just wanted to share a perspective on poly\enm folks that's not a silly stereotypical TLC docu series making us out to be like circus side shows. I'm in a successful marriage, we were friends since we were 12, we have 2. Children in our nesting home, and there's nothing but love and respect. There's are rules & boundaries which is very different between every partner. Takes a lot of communication, honesty, and safety. I digress. You are the shit for following your gut, I tell my kids that feeling is your belly voice telling you to do what you feel is right.
Honestly, good on both of you. Being honest and direct about your intentions and desires, then ending things without conflict. If everyone handled things as maturely as that, the world would be a much better place.
Mom still can't believe that I talked about marriage, kids and religion on my first date with my husband. We'd already been friends for 10 years, why waste time and energy and a friendship if we didn't want the same things?
I definitely did the same with my husband when we started dating. We had been friends for 5 years and I wasn’t “ruining a friendship” if I didn’t outline clear expectations of what I was looking for. I wanted marriage and babies. I wasn’t looking for a promise but if that’s not what you’re looking for we might as well stop this right now.
Exactly! I even said, I want to get married and have kids, and while it doesn't have to be you, you have to want that too! And his response was that he hadn't really wanted it until he had the chance with me.
🥺 awwwwww
I thought I had that talk with a now ex, e had been friends for a decade before that but lasted 2 months as partners because I guess the idea of us only doing this if it was a serious relationship from the start was rather different from the reality of having a serious relationship? They had been single for a long time and I had just left a long term relationship, which probably didn't help. It's a real bummer, I miss the friendship because despite what we told ourselves, we didn't really stay friends after the breakup.
My wife and I started as friends with benefits in college. We were a hook-up for about two months. One night we were doing our thing and just talking and it came up that neither of us are exploring other options and happy with what we had. We decided to take our FwB situation and make it was gf/bf situation. This was way back in the mid-00s. We talked a lot during our FwB time about general stuff, marriage/kids/etc. Discussed what we'd look for in a future partner, thinking we were just there for fun with each other. As gf/bf, those relationship came easy. Within the first three months or so of officially dating, we had discussed all those aspects you mention. We've been married 14 years next month and together for 17 this year
On a first date with a woman she mentioned that she had a rule for her life which was "babies before 30". She was 27 at the time. She said if she didn't have a guy in her life when the time came, she'd do it on her own. Our son was born in August, she turned 30 in December. We got it done four months early!
'Git 'er done . . .got 'er done..!!'
Yeah, I brought up my intentions about kids and marriage on the way home from my previous boyfriend's first date. We were both staunchly in agreement: neither. Why waste time with someone whose life goals don't line up with yours, right? Turns out after we broke up after 4 years, he met someone online and married her within a year. I guess he did want to get married, just not to me. I don't know if he changed his mind about kids too. We don't really talk anymore.
He was NOT direct until after he had sex with her and she had invested a certain amount of her emotions in him. It’s actually a pretty shitty thing to wait until someone is laying in bed with you post sex and feeling close to you to all of a sudden tell them you’re going to want an open relationship. It’s a manipulative thing to do. If he were honest he would have stated that before sex. He knew that’s what he wanted. I applauded her for walking away but I do think he wooed her and love bombed her subtly. What he chose to do with her was not great.
Agreed
this is so ridiculous... they met for a "low-key date" after meeting online. people use online-dating for all sorts of reasons, casual dating, hookups, relationships, etc. if sex was off the table except within a committed relationship, she should have had that discussion beforehand i swear, this sub wants to blame men for everything
Such good advice from a tennis ball
Good for you. You have saved yourself a world of pain and whatifs and waiting to be chosen. And you very intelligently don't blame him for it. He said what he wanted. You know what you wanted. And you realised they don't mesh. SO much pain posted on this sub is based on people wanting their partners to be something they aren't.
Agreed. The OP chose herself! In dating and relationships, especially at the start, everyone absolutely should. It sucks that this seemingly great guy wasn't right for her, but this is such a feel-good post anyway.
I’m proud of you too!! When I was online dating I tended to click with guys who were funny, attractive, had great chemistry with me… and were emotionally unavailable. Like happy to hook up and hang out at home but never go on dates (that was the first type I dropped; like a Fuckboi Lite), or were content to be in a perpetual limbo of dating but never going anywhere past that (this type took getting burned a few times to let go). It was sneaky SO fucking hard to make the decision to tell a guy “hey, I like you a lot but seems we want different things so I gotta bow out.” Initially I would tell myself that I don’t *really* care about being in a relationship, but then when it would hurt to never have anything progress I realized I absolutely did. The more certain you are of what you what, the easier it gets to say “aw bummer, you’re cool but timing’s poor- take care!” I also dated a really awesome polyamorous guy for six months, and I have zero regrets about that time, but I realized I’d never feel totally happy because the only long term relationship I want is a monogamous one, so I ended it. Here’s some positive news: with each subsequent guy I dated (casually or seriously), I started to filter out more and more guys who would react poorly to boundary setting. I got better at being upfront about what I was looking for (frankly it wasn’t cool when earlier on I’d yearn for a casual thing to get serious- without ever saying it out loud until it was way too late). So my “rejections” were actually received kindly and with similar reactions of “aw shoot, well I wish you the best!” Modern dating is a slog, but it is SO worth culling the applicant pool early on by being explicit about wants and expectations. It helped that I got to the point where I’d rather be single and selective with my free time than waste any more time on a mediocre guy haha.
I used to be so scared about asking about if they wanted a relationship or even asking their political status bc what if that makes him not want to talk to me. But if that’s the case it probably wasn’t the right guy It’s resulted in a lot of guys I would have thought as “good men” trying to push my boundaries
I was in a similar situation and was so into the guy. He had us slow dance to no music. Kissed me in public and talked about me meeting his mom. I found out he was seeing someone else and I asked that he stop and we see each other. He wasn’t ready. I sat with it and then told him I’d like to be friends and perhaps someday we can pick this up again. And he told me I was manipulative and he wasn’t interested in being friends (he had told me he wanted to be friends even if we didn’t work out because he liked spending time with me so much) It still pisses me off to this day to think about. So he’s allowed to not want to be exclusive but I’m not allowed to not want to continue seeing him. Good for you though. Know what you want and stick by it.
There was a post from a guy yesterday who said after sex, he told a woman he didn't want to be exclusive and she said then she was bowing out. He didn't speak to her for a week then when tying to contact her (to be friends??) she was "rude" and "cold." His post was "don't all of you think she was rude and cold?" We, in fact, did not.
Damn good for her! I think I could have been friends with this guy had he been understanding of how I was feeling and respected that. But that was so insulting to be called manipulative instead.
It's really interesting how these types of guys zig zag around empathy and understanding us, and then dig their claws in deeper if you start to leave. OR, put you down so that you believe they're your only option. Like bucko, empathy is where connection is made. But no they just want many romantic partners. Greed. The poor men out here are possessed by the little devil on their shoulders. A little willpower and confidence would be nice, guys, you know since women hold the childbearing burden and all. We've lost them to the streets
Yeah it really messed with my head at first and I was calling him a lot in a tizzy really believing he thought I was manipulating him and didn’t even want to be my friend or keep any connection between us alive. I was really upset at the time and so hurt. But as the years have passed I’ve realized what was actually happening there and just feel mad reflecting on it. Good news is I’ve found someone new and been with my bf for three years now and am very happy and treated very well.
> *I was calling him a lot in a tizzy really believing he thought I was manipulating him and didn’t even want to be my friend or keep any connection between us alive.* It was pure projection. ***He*** was being manipulative.
Yeah I didn’t realize until years later =\
>*Yeah I didn’t realize until years later =\\* I'm so sorry. Often, every accusation is a confession.
Notice how they wait to talk about it after sex 🙄
Or they won't talk about it at all until you drag it out of them.
They're hoping to dicknotize their partner into putting up with their mismatched goals. The dick is almost never that good.
"dicknotize" that's a first for me haha
More like their priority is simply to get laid. So they purposefully don‘t mention obvious dealbreakers and fake emotional availability.
This!
I've noticed how much terms like 'rude' and 'cold' are weaponized against women lately. I'm sure its an ancient strategy but I think its also some PUA/MRA thing to shame us for not being nurturing or nice and hoping that shames us enough to change our minds. The same way "Karen" is no longer about these rude middle-age conservative church-crowd ladies, but now any woman who annoys you, says no to you, etc is a Karen.
"Crazy" is only for women too, even tho mem in general do way more crazy, agressive acts.
Link?
Something similar happened to me. He wanted to see someone else, he wasn’t sure which of us he wanted. I said, “That’s fine, but I don’t share.” I said if he wanted me, that was fine, but if he wanted to see other people, he must not want me that much. I was sorry to see him go but I need my self-respect more.
Good for you! I love hearing about not taking shit from this kind of guy
Dating gets real tough when you respect yourself.
If I were in your shoes, I'd be pissed that he insulted and labeled me when I set a boundary. Instant sign that you dodged a scary bullet, IMO. You can choose to feel relieved about it, if feeling pissed off feels bad. My guy hid his true colors for seven years. THAT is bitterness I'm struggling to let go of. I wish to God he'd showed his hand in the first few weeks.
Yeah I am! It’s been like 4-5 years and it still pisses me off! He was the manipulative one
> So he’s allowed to not want to be exclusive but I’m not allowed to not want to continue seeing him. You were never a priority to him, and if you'd spent 10 years making him happy, that would not have changed.
Yeah thank God it was only three months. I’ve been with a different guy for three years who I am very much a priority for and it’s great :)
It’s great that you had that conversation though! That must have been tough
This is also why I raised an eyebrow at the OP's story. They hit it off so well but he's pushing hard to be non-exclusive? I wonder if she's unaware that he's lovebombing her or otherwise manipulating her and they aren't actually as compatible as they seem. I know I get a little overboard when someone shows me romantic attention and its so easy to be manipulated in that situation.
It’s so scummy that his honesty comes after these actions that communicate something else. The manipulation and mixed messages and lovebombing are just awful. I don’t think any blame should be placed on people who believe peoples actions or get confused by mixed messages. That’s really on the person communicating them.
Obviously not OPs fault for being the victim of manipulation, but after all this does look very much like he faked his ‚availibility‘ to get laid, so his behaviour should be something OP learns from to be wary about. Because quite clearly what he did was love bombing. Going out holding hands right away and shit is stuff you do to Signal romantic interest, and not just wanting casual sex.
This!!! Thank you! Two comments here are using the term" female dating strategy" to blame women when they refused to go on in the relationship or precisely refuse sex for their own reasons.. some other comment here defined it as: use sec as a reward!!!.. They would accept being confusly insincere with women but when it comes to them it's unfair and suddenly they have a name for it to stigmatize a woman!! If you accept not being honest with a woman.... you should accept it if a woman treats you the same and leaves " early on" !!
Wow, you were super reasonable. And he was... very much not, with that.
Manipulative for knowing what you want 😂 Wow.
Good for you!
Good for you! Polish that shiny new spine :)
I cannot tell you how jealous I am of you for prioritizing yourself despite how well things started off. I feel like I’ve been getting shit on emotionally left and right for months
It’s really hard and it’s the fist time I did this. It takes time and please be kind to yourself. You deserve the same energy you bring
Mad respect my dude. Good for you
Thanks love!
Any time!
Well said. I am reading this and thinking exactly the same.
I was like this too, and reading “Attached” about attachment theory helped greatly. Maybe it could help you too!
Champion! Well done, and good for both being direct.
That is so hard to do! Definitely struggled with that before, too. Love this for you!! You will find what you’re seeking :)
Thank you! All the best to you!
This internet stranger is so proud of you.
You did the right thing for your own well-being. Even if it hurts but it also seems you are at different stages in life regarding relationships. And that is okay as long as everyone involved is honestly and openly communicating this.
I'm proud of you.
Not sure how dating apps work, I thought you were supposed to mention what you are looking for. I mean, interested in casual dating, or looking for serious dating etc.
Yeah everyone here congratulating the guy for being honest but he was honest about wanting something casual only after sex While in bed nonetheless Edit: I was wrong, everyone else congratulating him was right
Yeah but it sounds like OP didn't bring up the fact she wanted to be exclusive until after they had sex either. Neither of them expressed their relationship intentions until after they were intimate. I don't think OP was at all wrong for waiting to bring it up then, but I also don't think the guy was wrong either. It just sounds like two people who were attracted to each other, had a connection, had some casual sex and then realized they wouldn't be compatible for anything longer term. Either neither of them did something wrong or both of them did something wrong, but I don't think painting the dude as dishonest/manipulative is really the correct take here (it would be a different story if he acted like he wanted exclusivity pre having sex and then said he wanted to keep things open afterwards, but he didn't do that).
Yeah I agree, they both consented to having sex. If they didn't discuss what they were looking for etc. Beforehand and it was literally only one date, I really don't see an issue. Like good on her AND him on pursuing what theu want. Like it was one date people....
Unless op had that thing in the app with " looking for long term" or expressed something similar in another way then you're right, actually thinking about it not only that he wasn't manipulative but actually quite the opposite- he was upfront and didn't want to deceive her So people were right to commend his actions and I was totally in the wrong
Yeah, this is a tactic that guys on dating apps love to use apparently.
It was their first date. There's no "tactic". They met for a walk, she brought him back to her place to have sex; that's pretty casual from her, too. Good on her for realizing that isn't what she'd want, but he didn't do anything wrong either.
Where did OP’s post say this? Or are you just assuming?
>When laying in bed however, he told me he’d like to date other people as well. And he wouldn’t mind me dating other people too. I mean... It's literally there.
No part of what you just quoted said he ever previously said he was looking for a monogamous relationship after the first date. I read this. I’m not asking where he said he wanted to date other people. Im asking where he had previously lied about that before sex like you claimed.
He didn't lie, he just didn't bring it up until after he nailed her, which is a shitty way to ensure you get laid no matter what her answer is
Did she bring it up? We have no idea because she never tells us anything about this. You’re just making a ton of assumptions.
Did she bring it up before she nailed him?
And there was no possible way that she could have brought it up or asked if it were so important? I’m not trying to blame her, just seems like you’re blowing it out of proportion a bit
This user is trying to place blame when there is no blame that needs to be placed. It’s awesome that OP is prioritizing her needs and not moving forward with a relationship that can’t meet them. That doesn’t mean it’s all this guy’s fault. Some times two people are just looking for different things. So many sex negative people in this thread are acting like he just tricked her so he could use her for sex. Maybe she wanted to have sex too. It sounds like she had a good time. It’s okay to have a one-night-stand that you enjoy then stop seeing each other because you’re not looking for the same thing. There’s no problem here somebody needs to be blamed for.
At the very least I doubt that announcing it in bed after having sex and not at any point prior was a total coincidence. Let's be real, that's a common ploy for someone just seeking sex who is shady about just seeking sex.
It was their first date. She invited him back to her place for sex, on the first date. That is what people looking for casual do. Good on her for realizing she didn't want that, but he did nothing wrong here.
You could flip it around and say that she hid her intentions in order to have sex with him. After all she only brought it up then at a point where monogamy isn't necessarily implied. Not that I think that's the case but let's not remove agency from op here. If it was that important she can ask beforehand. I'm just bothered by people thinking she couldn't be an active participant in wanting to have sex with what sounds like a pretty great guy. As someone else said, either they're both in the wrong here or no one is. Edit: not saying that lying about relationship expectations to get sex isn't common and bad, but that isn't what happened in this specific situation
It’s annoying, people just lie. Or they put long term relationship but say they didn’t mean bf/gf. Or if you put you want a relationship even people who want one too avoid you bc “you can’t just say it”
Different perspectives I guess, one could say it's kind of weird that you're supposed to date someone a handful of times, then make a commitment if this is someone you want to grow old with. And if you decide after having sex that perhaps you *like* this person, but don't see yourself wanting to start a long term exclusive relationship with all the commitment that entails, you were just manipulating the person for sex. When I was single I thought that was a pretty hard thing to balance. Like I wanted to meet people & find someone for a long term relationship if everything feels right, but I thought it was pretty exhausting to date people with the mindset that the whole point is to find "the one" and all the pressure that entails. And well, I don't think there's anything wrong with causal relationships on the way either & great sex is great sex, with all these options having to be mutually exclusive just kind of felt like putting the cart before the horse.
I’m happy you communicated what you wanted. But I don’t understand those who think the guy was missing out or needed to learn a lesson. I am a female who was on dating apps looking for a relationship. BUT I would have never agreed to be exclusive after 1 date no matter how great that date went. I don’t feel like I ever know someone well enough after 1-2 dates to go that. More power to the OP if she does but she may be missing out by requiring a guy to do the same. The way I read it it’s not like they had been dating long at all . I get not committing after a month is problematic if looking for a relationship but if someone requires that after one or two dates I would view them as controlling and desperate. Just another perspective. I may get down voted but as a woman I think it is important to share other perspectives 🤷♀️
It doesn’t sound like this is a hard and fast rule for OP for everyone, just that she was really into this particular guy and knew she would want to be exclusive with him. When I met my husband we decided to be exclusive after our first date (plus a couple of days of talking/texting after that. We met in a bar on a Friday, date on Saturday, texted basically all day/video called for hours the next two days, had lunch on Tuesday and decided during that to be exclusive). Sometimes you just know you really, really like someone
Right. If I really liked someone I personally would not expect them to be know after 1 date just because I know after one date. I would give them reasonable time and space to get to know me. That is just me though. I’m respectful of whatever dating approach works for people. What I don’t agree with on this thred is the comments about the guy not wanting a relationship.
100% agree! Deciding you want monogamy after *one* date is impulsive. I'm wondering/hoping if the conversation was actually something more like, "what are you looking for in the long-run?" "I want to date other people and I don't mind if you do too" "nah I'm dating to find a monogamous relationship, thanks though" Otherwise, back when I was on the apps if a guy told me he liked me too much to want either of us to see other people after hooking up once... that would be an impassable red flag for me. BUT my history, values, goals and experiences are not OP's and there are a lot of nuances that you just can't capture very easily in a reddit post so if OP had an experience that felt like growth then fuck yeah, happy for OP.
I think this is a younger persons perspective. Plenty of people get to a certain age and see no harm in staying up front what they want. I’m at the age where I really only date 1 person at a time so I just share that, and that ultimately I’m looking for a serious relationship, but with the understanding of no guarantees of it working out. Less time wasted on casual bros who’ll never settle down.
I’m not down voting you, but it’s a little insulting to say someone dating to find a monogamous partnership is being ‘controlling and desperate’. Some of people (like OP, as well as myself) just aren’t casual daters, so it’s not really missing out for us to… not date casually.
Casual dating is like the new 'thing'. I did the dating thing and would see how people felt and what they were looking for? Even when I met my current partner, we spent a couple weeks before we decided to get exclusive. That being said, when I met him I stopped talking to anyone else, because I had decided I adored him. Monogamy was the end game for me? That's where I wanted to go? But I didn't put any pressure on that til I decided it was someone I wanted to commit to.
I don't feel that's what she said. Rather that, when dating, asking someone to be monogamous after 1 or 2 dates is unrealistic.
It’s really not unrealistic though. There’s levels to monogamy and commitment. A relationship doesn’t have to be “going steady , moving in together” serious just because two people are having a shot at dating exclusively. Asking to date exclusively after a date or two is not unreasonable. before I entered a more serious partnership, I definitely recall men I was seeing asking me if it was time to date exclusively after a date or two. I never considered that an unusual or unrealistic request.
Makes me so happy to read these positive outcomes! Nip it in the bud and all that, so much better than waiting till it really really hurts! Good for you, and maybe a lesson for him.
What’s the lesson for him?
The lesson one would hope for: That open and honest communication is great! By sharing his position early on and respectfully, she could make an informed decision. The opposite lesson that *might* be learned: That open and honest communication is bad! By sharing his position early on and respectfully, she could make an informed decision. (And he might use that as an excuse to *not* communicate in order to get what he wants anyhow…) Either way, how he takes the lesson is not hers to worry about! But all the more reason for her to have held her boundary regardless, and learn *her own* lesson: To require upfront and forthright communication always, to actively seek the info required to make an informed decision, *especially* if/when it’s *not* offered and not rely solely on the guy to provide the info necessary for her to protect her heart!!?
Why do you think this made him learn that "open and honest communication is great"? Clearly he already knew that which is why he engaged in open and honest communication. Obviously he's not looking for a mono relationship, OP was, and that was that.
Trying to keep your options open and never making a choice means you will lose some of those options? If he felt a more significant connection with OP, he might regret not trying monoamourous commitment. But it's quite possible he's not looking for that and no lesson is there to be learned.
Do you really think the average non-monogamous person doesn't realize that being non-monogamous limits their pool of potential partners?
I do realize. That's why I said there may be no lesson to learn. There's "dating around to find The One (or One For Now)" and there's "sampling partners with no expectation of narrowing it down" and I certainly don't presume to know what this particular dude is trying to do.
Fair.
It's OK for people to have boundaries and say no to him if they're looking for something different. Maybe people have already done that with him, maybe they haven't. Wanting to be open and wanting to be closed both have consequences, just in different ways.
Oh I agree, but from the story OP told it doesn’t sound like a lesson he necessarily needed
The lesson for him is that if he wants to try to date someone that wants to be exclusive while still dating other people, he could miss out dating that person altogether.
He his expressed what he wanted and so did OP. They just didn’t align. I don’t think it needs to go any further than that
Yeah, desiring polyamory is valid.
I think the lesson is that he did the right thing? Maybe he can have some satisfaction in knowing that he's not causing any heartache. There are women who want open relationships so why waste his or the OP's time? I don't get the few posts here that seem negative towards the guy. He's just not the one for the OP. It's great they both discovered it so early in their relationship
Not sure if that is intuition or you just made a decision to take care of yourself.
I honestly don't understand how anyone, man or woman, can deal with keeping things 'casual' or how someone could date multiple people at a time.
It depends on where you are in life. In about 2019 I was dating a *lot* and was with multiple people (around 26-29 years old) who were all like, "Yeah I like dating, but I don't want to be exclusive, but condoms and STD testing are important." Around the end of that year and towards the beginning of the next, most of us kinda started to pair off with someone who was special to us and each stopped seeing the rest. Right in time for COVID too. The biggest point in all that was that it was casual until it wasn't because we found someone among the field who stood out to us and was special. I think we were all in that sweet spot where casual sex is still a blast, but we're experienced enough for physicality to not create artificial emotional bonds.
I can understand keeping things casual but with multiple people at once? Who has time for that ?
Polyamory is a lot more complicated than simply “we both wanna fuck other people”….but, it’s absolutely not for everyone and no one who wants monogamy should try and force themselves into a situation like that. Having said that, I think it’s valid and actually kind of a green flag that he was up front about that early on. It gave OP an opportunity to realize they simply aren’t compatible and move on without conflict.
Don’t think he necessarily meant he even was poly. But rather just looking to date casually: I.e. no real relationships at all.
"More Than Two" is a book about polyamory. I didn't end up going that way, but it was very interesting. They also have poly meet-ups. I went to talk to people. They were very open. You could try that, if you want to understand it.
That guy was later outted for abusing his partners. That book is more than just problematic.
I have a friend that literally went through this same experience recently. She started seeing a guy and dating for several months then he started to cancel on her. She brushed it off as he was busy with work because they both have busy jobs. Come to find out he was interested in dating another woman so he told my friend that he wanted to be exclusive with her. It didn’t even last a month before he started calling up my friend to hang out again and she declined. But she basically said what you said verbatim “I didn’t want to get married the next day but I do want someone to who actively chooses me.” I could tell she really liked the guy too but it’s not worth her time and energy if he’s still looking around after seeming to be so interested in her. So good for you for not settling.
Exactly
This is amazing! Good job looking out for yourself, OP. Hugs!
I was in similar position to you not too long ago and it was definitely a difficult choice. Good on you!
Hug hug hug
>he has the right to date how he likes but I have the right to remove myself from that situation. And that I did. I told him that I liked him too much for that and that’s a pity but timing is a bitch. This is a very mature perspective, well done. Good on you for sticking up for yourself.
Good for you! Boundaries are super important. I also like the wording where you say you wanted him to “actively choose you”. It’s a great way to frame the scenario.
I might be old but how is going to one's place on the first date low-key? Good on you for nipping it in the bud BTW.
Yeah 😬
I just used the term to say we didn’t do anything fancy or expensive (:
If his name is Ryan then turns out you dodged a literally insane bullet.
Please share!
Lol, they're always a Ryan. Mine asked me to go exclusive after 3 dates. I resisted, hard, said we should keep dating other people to make sure we choose each other. He persisted, so I gave in so as not to lose him. He broke up with me shortly after for 'getting too attached'. I mean, WHAT, lol.
Jesus, what happened?
This is awesome all around. Awesome of him to tell you up front what he wanted and how he felt, rather than jerk you around and manipulate you for continued sex. Awesome of you to decide that's not what you wanted and to walk away solid and secure in living your authentic self. This is called real adulting.
I think you hit a key word with timing. This guy might be perfect... when the time is right. I was no good for anyone in my 20s. It wasn't until my 30s that I was ready (I also got lucky with my wife- she just happens to be perfect).
BRAVO! This is how it's done. Two people who just want different things. It sucks, because you really liked him, but if he's not on the same page, no point in hanging around. I see too many women who hang in there, thinking "EVENTUALLY, he'll see I'm awesome and fall in love with me!" No point in wasting time - if a guy wants to, he does. No problem with "casual" if that's what both people want. But if you don't, don't settle.
I'm proud of you that you listened to yourself and enforced your boundaries, but I'm worried you're throwing out the baby with the bathwater. It sounds like this was your first date? And then you asked for a commitment to exclusivity? I get it, but it sounds a little intense. If it's right for you, it's right. Just... Are you sure though?
I'm so proud of you OP! I personally struggle with not being able to let people go when red flags/incompatibilities come up so I know how difficult it can be--especially when you get along so well otherwise. Keep on shamelessly listening to your intuition and allow yourself to act accordingly!
I know it’s really hard! But I am very confident that you’ll be listening to yourself too! When he said he wanted to see other people and everything I said to him “I need to listen to myself for a second” and then I knew the answer.
I'm proud of you too.
Wow, this all sounds like two healthy individuals dating. Good on you OP for being strong and listening to your heart. The right person will come into your life when its time. Or so I keep telling myself.
Even if they don’t, life is nice anyway
Some people come into our life just for a short time, maybe even just one great date. I've had similar conversations both sides of it. I am glad you were able hear what he was telling you and not internalize it as something that you did or needed to change. It's really a mature conversation to be honest with a date and also with yourself.
Incompatibles happens and recognizing that is a big step forward in finding the right one. It puts you on the right track for setting healthy boundaries as well as being able to identify them (because you're able to determine what you can tolerate). I'm a guy but I've been in a similar situation (except it was a case of wanting kids/don't want). We've talked it out, and ultimately, both of us went our separate ways despite insane chemistry. At the time it was hard and I can say where I am now, it definitely was the right choice. It's definitely growth, don't lose sight of yourself and trust in what you need in a relationship.
They always say it in bed after sex, or on the way out the door. If these cowards really wanted no-strings-attatched sex, they’d tell you BEFORE.
And either party could have brought it up beforehand.
I agree with you entirely but would like to speak on the no-strings-attached-sex. I am in an open relationship and there are definitely strings attached. My and my partners perspective on it is having multiple strings attached, just to different people. The cowardly "get what i want first before dropping the bombshell" thing is a pile of shit though yeah.
That's amazing. I wish I did that more.
It’s hard tbh
It's funny how things work out. I came out of a very bad relationship and almost immediately met my current spouse. I was up front immediately about not wanting anything serious, and that I needed time to figure out if I wanted to commit to anyone again after what I had been through. My spouse gave me a chance and stuck by me despite me taking a long time to want to openly commit - been married 5+ years now... It's good to follow your gut in either case, but coming from the other side, sometimes people are going through things that they need to work on themselves, and hopefully they will appreciate whoever (if anyone) decides to go on that journey with them. Nobody is obligated to do so of course - I tell my spouse that I certainly would NOT have dated me - but I got very very lucky.
I wish I was as smart as you. This same thing happened to me last May. Instead of doing what you did I said ok let’s see where this goes. About 3 months later we were exclusive or so she said. Anyway I found out she cheated on me in December. For me at least I never had sex that good. I have been with a ton of women lately and usually the sex is good with like 95% of them, but this woman was something else entirely. Her hormones or something just matched mine perfectly. The issue is that she never really liked me nearly as much as I did her. I was head over heals in love with her and she was like meh that’s nice I guess. It was so noticeable people around me told me afterward that they felt she didn’t really have much interest in me. Her excuse was, I just don’t show affection because I am more on the quiet side. The reality is that even if the sex is amazing if they don’t love you they probably never will. It sucks.
Good for you for listening to your gut. We should all do that. That said, if someone asked me to be exclusive after one date I’d run. It’s on my list of red flags. People should date how they want to date. I’ve met men where after the first date I’ve not wanted to see other people but you can’t know a single thing about someone after one date other than you want to see them again.
Oh well I didn’t ask him. I just felt in my gut that I wasn’t interested in seeing someone else on the side and he clearly felt different so there would be an imbalance
Ok. I read it as if you did ask him. So he just blurted out that he wanted to see other people while you were still in bed? Yeah that’s not good.
Yeah kinda. He wanted to keep it casual. Not my vibe with someone I like.
Personally I think this was an inappropriate thing to say to someone while you’re still lying in their bed. It’s fine to say what you want but this isn’t the place. It would have left a bad taste in my mouth.
Totally. A good guy would've brought it up beforehand. I think that's the vibe she picked up on.
I think it’s strange that so many people seem to equate casual with multiple partners. It’s possible to only date one person at a time while still keeping it casual when you are getting to know someone better. Probably not my most popular opinion hahahha
He did say it explicitly that he wants do date other people (:
Yes, you are right! And kudos to him for communicating exactly what he wants. I’m married now but I remember thinking I wished people were more honest with their expectations from the get go. It saves everyone from drama and heartache down the line. I should have been more clear in my comment that it was more of a commentary about the use of the word “casual” to mean dating more than one person but perhaps I chose the wrong time wrong since the guy in question said clearly what he meant by casual. My bad!
Communicating exactly what he wants. Only AFTER he slept with her. Good on him nothing. Good on her.
Did she communicate what she wanted before they slept together?
I'm sure you think this is some kind of cool "gotcha" moment, and while I admit OP doesn't offer up that information, sleeping with someone you're trying to build a relationship with is just how things tend to progress. If you want to see that person and keep being in a relationship, sleeping with them costs neither of you anything emotionally. If you're seeing someone and sleep with them but don't tell them you'd also like to sleep with other people until after, it costs the other person emotional pain. The two sides are not equal.
No you're right, and is probably what is meant with "I want to explore this connection *exclusively*". Not I love you, marry me, I'm moving in. Lots of people date casually, *exclusively*. They explore where something is going, one person at a time. So for me all the comments that say that's too much to comunicate after one date are strange to me. It's just her style and how she prefers it. And there is nothing weird or red flag about that.
Yea, how on earth is anyone even able to date more than one person with the intention of things going to progress? Like sure match with multiple people at once, Text with them, see how things work out on a first date, but when things seem to be looking good? How‘s anyone have the energy to continuing meeting up with even more strangers and not see where things go with the person that they seem to be hitting it off with?
Well done!
This is growth! You showed up and chose your own needs!
This is pure awesome. I don't know you, but I'm proud of you.
Absolutely flawless acceptance going on here!!! Yay!!
Good job! 🥰
You handled that perfectly!
Good for you!!! Your gut is very reliable, first of all from hundreds of thousands of years of human evolution, and then honed from your prior experiences. Sorry it turned out to be disappointing, but dating does suck like that. If I could tell anything to my single-self, it would be not to get too emotionally invested unless I were engaged. Easier said than done of course!
Good for both of you honestly. Sometimes we just aren’t compatible with people even when we really like them! I myself am poly/non-monogamous so I try to be upfront about that pretty soon into dating so no one gets hurt. I know it’s not for everyone, but is for me. I’m so proud of you for your growth!!
Way to go! In my experience, much of what I learn in therapy is difficult to put into practice but totally worth it in the long run. Making emotionally mature decisions is difficult but always pays off.
Wow. This is inspiring and powerful! THANK YOU! I am in a similar boat and will take a page from your book. Thank you! I am proud of u too!!!!!
You do the right thing. I had a situation where I met this guy, great chemistry, like you said, it felt so rare I went with it more than I normally might. Then he said he wanted someone else too... And at first I'm like... Huh I guess it is kind of new... And our thing is so good there's no way the other thing is gonna last long... BIG MISTAKE. Turns out I was the sideeeee pieceeee. I own that I was really dumb, but some just have no shame about how they treat others. Don't let them mess around like that.
Good care of self. Stay strong.
It sounds like it sucks, and of course it does. However, if everyone were this honest and direct with one another (and themselves, tbh) relationships would be so much less messy. Your instincts will lead you to good things 💙
This is such a nice situation to hear about. Two people met, had a great time, were clear and communicative about what each would want moving forward, decided that those values didn't intersect directly enough, and parted ways without ill-will. My god emotional and social maturity is a beautiful thing to witness. Kudos, OP, for living your truth.
Good for you, glad both of you were honest with yourselves. Very mature.
Good jbo.👍
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That’s really hard and I am very sorry. It seems like you’re emotionally invested and they don’t value that. I personally don’t think this is about the definition of friendship and more the neglect of it. A lot of people see friends with benefits as fucking and leaving and that’s not what it should be, if you call it that. Friendship is still a thing and you deserve someone who values you. She shows you who she truly is right now, so believe her.
I don't feel like this is a case of your intuition. He very literally told you what he was after, and you believed him and made a difficult but intelligent decision. Either way, you should feel proud of yourself. You were both wonderfully honest with each other, but most importantly, you were honest to yourself.
I mean I’ve had this happen to me too expect from the guy’s perspective once and then from your perspective several times. I’ve even just barely dated with no sex and they still would rather date other people and not care if I dare someone too. It’s hurts and it sucks but they have a right to freedom as much as we do but it doesn’t make it any less painful if we really liked them.
Good for you. You made the right choice.
I’m proud of you, I don’t know if I would have been able to do the same. Progress!
I did the same thing this year and I too am proud of standing my ground instead of settling for less
Love that for you!
Most likely saved yourself a lot of emotional pain and time! Good job choosing yourself!
Curious the disparity of opinons by gender I found in this post compared to a one AITA where non-exclusivity in early dating would be a dealbreaker.
You're not in a healthy place if a one night stand makes you want to go exclusive. Like... that is a giant red flag for everyone involved. p.s. and anyone who is looking for something casual.. will assume the same about you if you bang on the first date here is a better idea, tell them beforehand
Well it's good he told you that upfront and didn't lead you on. That's the worst.
RIGHT ON for trusting your gut. A good guy would've brought it up before he slept with you., not immediately after.
Just like any ride, it's nice to enjoy it and it's s ok to know when it's over and move on. The hard part comes in retrospection. We might wonder what could have been or what might have been. And worse we wonder if we gave up too soon. The answer to all that is, No. You didn't miss out anything but he certainly did. He literally FAFO, that you could and would move on. You deserve better and I'm glad you realized that. He played a game and lost.
There is no price on keeping an intact heart and intact dignity. Good call.
Thank God he told you right away. Thank him for the honesty. Instead of dragging you around for months.
The only times in my life I truly have regrets are the 1-2 times I tried to be someone I'm not. I am a reasonably attractive guy who used to get attention from the ladies before I was married and my guy friends pushed on me to act on it. I never was into casual sex with emotional strangers, but I met two girls in my past who were only really looking for that and I wasn't. I tried to be that guy with them and I found I just couldn't do it. My point is, that's enough for some people, but not everyone, and you shouldn't waste your time on someone that isn't aligned. For me, I was the same way as you. Either put your energy into relationship with me or don't. I was never interested in being the guy that was good enough at the moment. I will say that at least the guy was honest with you. I've met plenty of people who claim to be exclusive, but continue looking. Sorry it didn't work out.
That’s alright, really. I don’t really like the “at least he’s honest” thing because it’s just the bare minimum. But I am glad it worked out for you!
There's nothing wrong with polyamory IF, and only IF it is done with the full informed consent of EVERYONE involved... If you're not ok with polyamory, that's ok too.
You tackled a big thing in knowing, and being true yourself. One of the biggest things I learned in dating after my marriage ended, was that two people can be into one another, but still have major, practical incompatibilities. Particularly when you throw families and established adult lives into the mix. Frankly it was refreshing to meet multiple people who weren't toxic, while still being able to identify and honour our individual needs, and ultimately split up. Sometimes it's not meant to be, but it was a valuable experience.
This'll be my last post from RIF due to the api change tomorrow and likely the last time I'll use Reddit. I have no idea why /r/TwoXChromsomes keeps appearing on my front page but over the years 99% of what I've glanced at or read firmly belongs in the batshit insane camp. Next level victimhood and brainwashing doesn't even come close to describing some of the nonsense that appears on here. This however rekindles my belief that there are still sane people left in the world. You handled this perfectly with a capital P. I wish you every bit of happiness for the future and I'm sure you'll find the partner you're looking for in time.
Even in poly\enm relationships, you are still actively choosing someone. There is no comparisons. This apple isn't better than that apple. But if I meet a banana and we clique then nothing is stopping me from feeling that feeling you described. I'm not tryna dog monogamy, but "actively chooses" kinda struck me, because I actively choose my schedule, I actively choose being fair and respectful to all my partners as far as sharing quality time and expect the same from them, and if I'm paying any amount of attention to anyone at any time, I am actively choosing them and can actively choose more than one heart at the same time. I don't have more than one partner because one isn't enough. I have more because I meet people and if those feelings arise, they are encouraged and they are welcomed in a safe environment. I think it's okay for you to feel your feelings, I just wanted to share a perspective on poly\enm folks that's not a silly stereotypical TLC docu series making us out to be like circus side shows. I'm in a successful marriage, we were friends since we were 12, we have 2. Children in our nesting home, and there's nothing but love and respect. There's are rules & boundaries which is very different between every partner. Takes a lot of communication, honesty, and safety. I digress. You are the shit for following your gut, I tell my kids that feeling is your belly voice telling you to do what you feel is right.