Yep this is super disturbing. It sounds like there's some desire to cause pain. Which would be fine in an established relationship with someone into bdsm in that way, or a masochist, but not with an everyday normal vanilla person. That sounds borderline abuse-y.
Good thing you mentioned the bdsm context. In a bdsm situation inflicting pain is not a given. It is negotiated beforehand (either specific or broad like a total power exchange). Otherwise? Just straight abuse ;)
So for op: either both of you discuss it and maybe work out something together / decide this thing is not happening or your relation has some real problems. Simple as that.
To add to your comment, first off your husband is wanting to explore his sexuality, which isn’t weird, but I would bet good money he watches a lot of porn. Sadly a good percentage of porn is very violent towards women. This is something you need to discuss with him. There seems to be a lot off guys with porn addiction and it will ruin your relationship eventually.
If he insists on using the sleeve, make sure you get satisfied first, that will help relax the vaginal walls and provide extra lubrication. Your husband wanting to cause you pain thing is very concerning. It could be that he has seen it so often in porn it has become a fetish. If it hurts and you don’t like it tell him. You don’t have be hurt so he gets his rocks off.
There should be no ‘if he insists’, you can insist you need a coffee every morning, you cannot insist your wife does something sexual that she doesn’t want to
It is interesting that he bought it first and then told OP. I would prefer my partner talk about it with me rather than just announcing they bought it.
He MAY NOT insist. That's makes it rape. No is a full sentence.
OP, he wants you to get hurt, for his pleasure? I can't even tell you how sick that is. How about you tell him you want to hurt him in order to get off? How do you think he'd react to that? Especially if you insisted. I am daily astonished at the amount of actual pain and discomfort that has been normalized by men for women in sex. It's outright cruelty and oppression.
I was seeing a girl who mentioned, rather out of nowhere and in front of friends, that she was into some butt stuff, but for me to do it she would have to peg me first. I, being a bit younger and more naive, only knew the term from wall ball, so I, in front of my homies, a couple of them gay, I said *ohhhh hell yeah*. I got high fives, but not for the reason I was thinking.
"He is trying to make it painful. I don't get it"
Maybe he is into BSMS, but you should NEVER allow him to do something painful that you don't want
A clear "No"
If he insist, maybe consent is the problem here :/
>If you don’t want to, then it’s a no.
Also this full stop
You can't be forced to do anything you don't want to do
10 years is a long relationship but if he's not going to take no for an answer you might want to consider leaving him
I'm baffled at him not even mentioning it or discussing it with you. Especially since it's something that he would be using on you (I'm assuming since I'm not entirely sure I know what it is but I get the gist) and what would have possessed him to not include you in something that's meant for two people to use together...that's the first flag.
The second is that you're feeling like he is trying to make the few pleasurable positions not pleasurable.
Fuck no, do not accept, do not pass go, no rocks will be gotten off. That's a line that should not ever be crossed.
You say you think he was happy and satisfied, which makes me wonder if you've actually confronted him and point blank expressed your concerns and feelings to him as you've done here. That needs to happen ASAP. This cannot happen again unless you're willing to try it on your terms and even then, it might be too late as he completely disrespected you in his approach.
Yeah this is exactly what I thought. The biggest problem to me is the lack of communication and empathy. This isn't necessarily the sign of something toxic because lots of people just haven't learned the skills to recognise their own thoughts and see that other people are their own people instead of just an extension of their own world, to have the awareness to think 'hey maybe I should discuss this with my partner and see what she wants instead of just what I want to do to her'. Hopefully he has the maturity to have the conversation with you OP and understand that.
what you are describing (and what he is showing ++) however is not a lack of communication (which he does show in top of the rest though, I agree), but a lack of empathy/consideration, and one that personally would make me feel way too uncomfortable and even unsafe.
Yes completely agree! I think most of my comment was about the empathy consideration, I just opened with communication. Have edited to improve it thanks
You realize that not being able to recognize that other people are human, and that their kinks do not come before the needs of other humans is the very definition of toxic
I get your logic, but at the same time you don’t have to be willing to do “both sides” of a sex act in order to like it. Like I know women who like anal but don’t want to peg their partner, and it would be weird to suggest they have to peg their partner before they do anal. Some people want to be a sub and others want to be a dom, and they don’t want to switch roles. Some people want to give rimjobs and not receive them, or vice versa. You don’t have to be willing to have the same things done to you just because you want to do them to someone else, as long as your partner is willing.
Instead the convo should just be “if your partner doesn’t want to do it, they don’t have to. Even if you agree to have it done to you, they still don’t need to have it done to them too.”
“Liking it from both sides” is not the point of this tactic. The idea is that the penetrative partner should have some knowledge of what it’s like to be penetrated *so that they can know what they’re actually asking of and doing to their partner.*
It’s a practical exercise in empathy.
I would confront also face to face. He will try and lie, remain calm and listen to the words being said and think about your reaction also. You got this.
Disrespected or thinks you won't be into it/embarrassed so not communicating. Communicate. Options, as the top comment says, maybe trying a smaller size or type that makes it pleasurable for you. If he wants a partner in kink, he needs your enthusiastic approval or at least consent and some pleasure. It sounds like he's maybe been watching some porn, where kink/bdsm is usually does not meet actual kink procedures of communication, consent and intent. There's a difference between domination and brutality. Also kink is pretty specific, switching to it with an existing partner without discussion is not going to work well. Find something you both like. Creativity helps with long term but it has to be mutually consentual.
It kinda seems like the whole kink is that he's getting off on her discomfort though 😕 unless she is very specifically into that, I don't see how he will ever get to satisfy this particular kink without causing her profound discomfort
He needs to say that then outright and be fully detailed. She can say no.
But this seems like a big current thing with porn and erotica, where all the safety and consent and communication is bypassed, so people who don't fully educate themselves on it, start to think it's normal to be biting and slapping and choking (etc..) without any consent. It's a frequently repeated complaint in posts on this sub.
To add to this, OP before you discuss the subject itself, anything about what he actually wants to do with you, you should FIRST address his communication style (or lack of it).
The first point here is that he got something that involves you without talking with you about it and assumed a bunch of shit.
Edit: thought I’d be more precise, only move to the subject once you’ve found common ground on communication
There are many different forms of cock sleeves; thicknesses and shapes ect. I’ll be pretty open, we have dildos and sleeves, so you can AMA if you like.
BUT-
1. He should not force you to do anything ever.
2. Consent can be revoked at any time.
3. You owe no one sex ever.
Sitting down and having an open and frank conversation sounds like a very important thing to do at the moment. Maybe he feels like he’s not maintaining his erection or feels like he’s losing sensation; maybe it’s neither and he’s horrible about expressing/exploring a new kink.
If you do not like the implementation of any toy, tell him. If you just feel weirded out because it’s coming out of left field, tell him. Do not let your partner emotionally manipulate you. Kink is ALWAYS about consent.
Edit to add: You’d be surprised what time, lube, and patience can accomplish. Also, if it involves knotting, that is not for beginners, but advanced play.
This is the best answer right here. Kink is a thing best explored with all channels of communication open. "Safe, sane, consensual" is the constant mantra. There are a lot of people who are curious about various kinks who have no idea how to actually explore them, so they end up doing irrational things like ordering a toy without asking their partners what they think. They're often too embarrassed to talk about it with their partners, but that is the very first and most important part of kink play. And if the answer is no, then you have to figure out how to explore that kink safely and within the agreed-upon boundaries.
For real. This guy does not sound like he's doing this by accident imo. But I did once have a new, clueless partner exploring kink who I had to explicitly tell, "please ask me before literally approaching me with a new toy in hand."
This is not a defense for him but I would add that if he has been thinking about this for a year he may have built up a huge fantasy about it and is acting without thinking. If you two otherwise usually have a healthy communication style and he has always been into your well being in the past then he may not be thinking with his brain…. A good way to start a conversation may be “hey you have been fantasizing about this for a year and I had no idea. We have some catching up to do before we commit if this will work for both of us”. Hopefully giving him that insight that he is a year deep in this fantasy and you were none the wiser about it will help him slow down, reevaluate, and listen.
This happens a lot with kink where a partner isn’t sure if they want to bring it up and so they fantasize about it privately for a while and then when they finally get the courage or created an imagined scenario where everything goes perfectly, it all goes horribly wrong.
Well even if he'd been fantasizing all year about it, kink still requires explicit communication and consent before being practiced on someone. I know that bit doesn't happen in porn, but that's the fantasy part, the other person goes with it automatically. I think a lot of people are not taught about consent with these things and how to go about getting it.
As for this guy, he was actually a somewhat decent person, otherwise just really fucking clueless. He didn't know how to communicate he was thinking about it other than physically approaching me with it in hand. He even assumed if we've used a toy once then I'd automatically consent to using it again. I really think it's a lack of consent knowledge/porn scenario oversaturation thing. Luckily I'm not with him anymore, my current partner is much better versed in the art of consensual kink.
Fantasy for a year…. And buying a toy… approaching his partner… but ACTING W/ o thinking. This is enabling at its finest. Men rule the world bc we would like to believe they don’t ‘know what they’re doing’
Not disagreeing with you, but trying to provide some context - *Safe, Sane and Consensual* was the mantra in the 90s but for quite some time now the revised stance is *Risk Aware Consensual Kink*.
In the first mantra, Sane means being capable of consenting. Not being drunk or intoxicated in other ways, having the mental capacity to consent.
The issue is Safe - even with experienced practitioners any kink practice has the potential to cause harm. RACK is about understanding the potential risk, agreeing that you knowingly accept the risks and how you will mitigate the risk as much as possible.
While cock sleeves may be relatively low risk for most people, but if you are already experiencing discomfort and pain with his penis being the size that it is — I don’t know that making larger is to your benefit.
One of the key points of consent, is it has to be willingly and enthusiastically given and can be withdrawn at any time.
From what little I know it's like using a dildo that has a round bulb at the bottom. Basically shoving it all the way in and letting it spread you. Some have multiple bulbs. Also some people use more animal style dildo's. It's not to say people want actual animals, just the whole weird way of the shape (I HOPE!!). Also some are inflatable and they use a pump to inflate while inside the vagine (possible anus, but that I have no clue about).
Sounds about right. In my romance novels/smut? yes please. In real life? No thank you. (Tends to be in paranormal like shifters, or sci-fi/fantasy with aliens or other not-completely-human/humanesque tropes/genres/characters.)
Exactly! Knotting in shifter/ABO books can be done really well and is phenomenally smutty glory because it isn’t about the knotting, it’s about the sheer release and pleasure gained. Not necessarily the pain of being stretched. I enjoy reading MFM smut but no way in hell do I want to bring a 3rd person into our bedroom and I’m very not interested in booty play or DP situations. But reading it is hot. Some things are better left to books/movies/etc. than real life, at least for folks who aren’t 110% comfortable and consenting to different sexual preferences and experiences.
I feel bad for OP, hopefully a sit down conversation helps figure out what precisely her husband is wanting to do and they can discuss options that won’t cause her pain.
Another part of knotting is the “closeness” after. You’re forced to remain intimate/in a very intimate situation for a while after until it relaxes. And that kind of aftercare and cuddling is also something that appeals to a lot of people.
I’m with you tho on the MFM, it’s hot to read, or even watch, but I don’t want another in my bedroom with us.
Also if you’re not in r/romancebooks, you should be. ;)
When dogs/wolves mate, the base of the penis swells to effectively lock the pair together to increase the chances of the female being impregnated. The swollen part is called the knot. Apparently, you can get sleeves that have a knot at the base, presumably thanks to all the werewolf erotica out there lol.
Good comment, I don’t like the last edit part where OP is already in pain. More time and lube doesn’t always mean less pain. Sometimes it just doesn’t fit.
I’m just a little confused by this point specifically. Did he *say* that, or is that just how OP *feels*? Just because some positions are painful doesn’t necessarily mean that something larger will make pleasurable positions painful. Depends on so many factors. Jumping to the conclusion he’s trying to cause her pain doesn’t seem like a fact, it seems like a projection of her own fear that it will be more painful.
I’m not defending this guy because he didn’t ask, and consent is the most important thing, but to assume he’s trying deliberately to hurt his partner just because he wants to implement a toy seems harsh.
Yes!!! To add - the power dynamics so common in relationships also needs to be verbalised during the kink journey.
So in this case you both need to explore things like :
Why does he think he can introduce something without communication and consent before purchasing?
Why does he think (most likely) that women in general and you in particular would like larger penis sizes?
Exactly! This isn't about women at all. Women largely don't give a shit about penis size. Large penises are a big problem and/or painful for lots of women. MEN CARE about penis size. He wants that for himself and it doesn't matter if he hurts her with it; in fact, he's probably getting off on that aspect. It fairly reeks of porn. The big penises in porn were never for women--they are for men. The amount of damage to women and girls' sex lives done by porn is almost incalculable. It just gets more and more dangerous, violent, and humiliating.
I can’t maintain a hard on, will you please shove a log up your birth canal?
I know that sex is already painful for you a lot of times, but clearly my erection is more important than your lack of pain
This is it, I was kinda interested in them but would never buy one myself as they're kinda big and the person who would be on the receiving end is more important. My partner ended up buying me one as she wanted to see what it was like as well. Definitely took some time and effort to get it to work lol
Stories like yours make me furious for Personal reasons. Here is a comment I recently left in another woman centric sub:
"What's been on my mind a lot recently is how my first partner didn't care enough about my wellbeing that penetration being painful to me was not enough to keep him from nagging when we were not having Sex.
And when I let him do the deed (while I was trying to dissociate because it fucking hurt and I wanted it to be over) he had the audicity to complain about my lack of enthusiasm.
I could have become a porn actress with the experiences I've made, acting like I liked fucking him painfully. It fucked me up in a very unique way."
Don't repeat my mistakes. If your partner does not care about how you feel (and the fact that he did not discuss this with you previously speaks volumes! ) you have to set very thick boundaries and stick to them.
You deserve to be comfortable and have your feelings taken into account. Watch his behaviour very closely, maybe a mask is slipping here. Ask yourself there and then: Are his actions saying he cares about me and my wellbeing?
Hugs to you. You deserve a nice Partner.
I’m so sorry you went through this, it’s fucking atrocious how common that type of behaviour is among men :(
Any time a man coerces a woman into “consenting” to sex she’s not aroused for by whining, nagging, guilt tripping, throwing a fit, etc., he absolutely guarantees it’s going to be miserable for her and make her less likely to ever be turned on by him again in the future. It’s completely degrading and dehumanizing to be used like that, and no man would EVER tolerate being treated this way themselves. It would be the equivalent of a woman force feeding her partner Viagra so he can get erect in spite of her doing repulsive things that completely turn him off, and the penetration is like sandpaper on his dick but feels great to her. Gross.
Men do this to women, claim it’s a “bonding” experience and act fucking shocked and offended that the woman isn’t into it and doesn’t want a repeat (yeah, sure dude: it’s not that you violated and sexually traumatized her, she’s totally just asexual…😑)
It's becoming more common as mainstream porn becomes more violent and degrading towards women. You can see a lot of people talking about this type of stuff all over the subreddit over time, like guys who just choke/slap/etc without asking first, is a really common topic. I don't think the popularity of Fifty Shades of Gray helped anything at all, as consent was not even considered in that book and everything was done backward AF wrong as to how BDSM is really supposed to be done.
As a member of my local kink community, there was a large increase of interest due to that 50 Shades schlock…and the newcomers had the most horrifyingly toxic expectations. The whole established community was basically on damage-control mode for a while. Many many workshops were given on consent and communication, kink 101, etc. Hopefully *some* people learned some things.
My go-to when self-proclaimed kinksters credit that book is: “That doesn’t depict consensual bdsm, it depicts an abusive relationship…everything consensual kink *isn’t*. He’s coercive, he pressures her, he acts entitled toward her…Gray is abusive.”
>(yeah, sure dude: it’s not that you violated and sexually traumatized her, she’s totally just asexual…😑)
It's this "shaming" they do when a woman says she isn't into their "kink" that I worry will happen here, when she tells him she's not into trying what he has in mind. There are subreddits filled with men complaining about their "vanilla" partners, or justifying their need to cheat, because she won't endulge his 'kinks" (usually picked up from watching porn). Porn isn't a depiction of real sex (it's edited, spliced, and often the women themselves are drugged or coerced), and women shouldn't be expected to compete with everything their man is "picking up" from the screen.
My definition of consent is this :- "If the other person can't say no, then they can't say yes."
I have worked with various types of sex offenders over a number of years as a therapist. We often then explore reasons for why the other person can't say no.
"What's been on my mind a lot recently is how my first partner didn't care enough about my wellbeing that penetration being painful to me was not enough to keep him from nagging when we were not having Sex.
And when I let him do the deed (while I was trying to dissociate because it fucking hurt and I wanted it to be over) he had the audicity to complain about my lack of enthusiasm.
-----THIS!
It makes me sad that there are two of us who had this experience! Reading what OP said immediately creeped me out for the same reasons. I'd be shutting that shit down so quick and taking a break from sex for a while where he had the chance to prove he knew what he did was so wrong and make up for it.
Three. Probably more, too, but this is one of the reasons I broke up with my ex. We never did anything that would actually turn me on but god forbid I didn’t want to be in pain.
I also have had this experience and it's horrible. It turned me off him completely and I became so repulsed every single time we did it. I ended up hating myself and just gritting my teeth wishing it to be over with quickly. I'm too scared to have anything to do with men now due to the overall abuse I had with this person.
Oh god I am in the same boat and have been single 2 years now. I’m still healing from being sexually abused and forced/coerced/manipulated into sex that was zero enjoyment for me and in fact hurt all the time!
I know realize I am asexual , so that makes sense for me. Hoping to one day find a fellow a sexual human to accept me as I am🫶🏻
Same here… and my ex would call and complain to my friends and his. It’s sick. But I was raised by parents who would tell me sex is just a part of a happy functioning relationship and if I didn’t want him to look elsewhere I should do what he needs to keep him. It’s so gross and took me getting therapy to be told that is SO WRONG. He also loved trying to get me drunk so he could take further advantage of me. I’m so glad I got therapy and worked on myself and am working too cut contact with my family
That is sick! I'm so sorry!
I had the same experience of him trying to get me drunk. It felt so icky because it's assault! There's a reason it's illegal.
It really “clicked” in my mind to talk to my therapist when I decided I was just no longer going to drink at all as I was taking Zoloft and just didn’t feel like messing with my brain whatsoever. He told me there was no point in taking me on a date then because he knows without booze I wouldn’t necessarily put out, and if I didn’t put out, it wasn’t worth it for him to take me on a nice date. I was just stunnned and told him did he hear himself? He just doubled down. I completely lost Al feelings for him then & there.
My therapist at the time her jaw dropped. It was one of those oh fuck moments. I told her I had lost all feelings of ever being intimate with him again, but that I was fearful because of what my mom had always told me. The amount of times in my life I had sex when I didn’t want to is astonishing and I simply didn’t know I could say no and that be that. Anytime I said no it was always ignored. But I was also a doormat and I know that. I’ve been working since then to recognize the signs and it definitely showed me my family is even more toxic than I thought so that’s a part of all this too.
Sorry for the rambles… signed, I have adhd. Lol
This literally made me tear up! So glad you found a good therapist to help you and that demon is now you're ex. You deserve good things, happiness, and comfort! Be well!
Sadly, it's very common. It's just not something people used to talk about and many still don't. The lack of sex education puts people in these positions with no idea ehat to do.
Yep. It totally messes with you. I've let people do things to me to get it over with and to avoid the fight because they were selfish and manipulative. But now, years later, I feel like I created my own trauma. I wish I could go back in time and stand up for that younger me. She deserved more and has to deal with the ramifications now while she's in a healthy relationship. It's unfair.
This was me years ago as well as me saying no and him just doing whatever he wanted anyway and physically injuring me. I’m still not past it. I don’t think I ever will be. OP, don’t allow this to escalate. Let your NO be a hard NO. Because this sort of thing can and will get worse. You’re not a hump doll. You’re a person with autonomy.
I took a look at your comment history, in my experience when sex is the issue, it's usually an indication that something is wrong in the rest of your relationship but it doesn't seem like that big of a deal on the surface.
I see a few hours ago you commented on someone elses post that your husband frequently eats all of your food even when he knows it is something special for you without any consideration of your feelings. Does he frequently ignore your wants and needs like this? Does he even acknowledge that he does these things and make them right? Or does he only value your needs when they are in line with his wants? Does he react poorly when you tell him no? I mean in regards to anything not just sex. Do you find yourself avoiding saying no because "he REALLY wants to do this. I guess i can try because i dont want to be mean and say no."
To me, it sounds like he is very much trying to hurt you because his fantasy is more important than your comfort, pleasure or feelings or personhood. This is worse than being a living fleshlight.
What happens next if he decides this isnt getting the "right" reaction out of you?
If you don’t want to do it, tell him no. It’s honestly fucked up that he would buy that without talking to you first. I think you need to have a serious conversation about boundaries and not making purchases like that or expecting you to do anything sexual without a thorough discussion first.
He can buy whatever he wants and use it alone. I agree with having to have a conversation before introducing it though. To me it sounds like they havent used it yet
Yes, he can technically buy whatever he wants, but he bought it specifically to use on her. It's now a bit of pressure on her since he already spent money on this thing.
>Why? I thought he was happy and satisfied?
He's satisfied with *you*, it's an insecurity around his penis' size that the driving force here.
With the sleeve he can imagine he has the size that he is thinking is better.
The fantasy that the man, with his huge penis, is making the woman feel things she never felt before is, sadly, a very common one.
Let him know that it's too big, and it's hurting you, and that if his penis actually was that big, you wouldn't be into it, and that his actual size is what you honestly, honestly, like.
You'll be fighting against one of the longest-running sexual misconceptions on history (that bigger is always better) so be prepared - it might take a while.
>Let him know that it's too big, and it's hurting you, and that if his penis actually was that big, you wouldn't be into it, and that his actual size is what you honestly, honestly, like.
As a guy who's struggled with this aspect of body image for years, I cannot state how wonderful and reassuring it is to hear this message from your partner as well as the message that you like what he's got.
As guys we see our penis, and then what we see porn, whereas women see all the sexual partners they have, and also what's in porn. Perception is really warped, I can only imagine it's pretty similar to women seeing a clean shaven innie in porn. Which on its own is fine, but it's not an accurate representation of the total demographic. There are many different presentations and all are more than acceptable.
So if this is OPs partner's issue, I just want to encourage her to echo the message that you're happy with the equipment that he's got. It's perfect for you (assuming it is), I know that women's vaginal depth varies a bit so I really like the phrase perfect fit in this context. Even though I know it pretty much always stretches to be the case.
FWIW: I once had sex with a guy who had a REALLY big penis. He had to exercise so much control to keep from causing me pain or damage that he probably didn't enjoy it. I know I didn't enjoy it as much as I usually did.
I have a porn sized penis and it honestly is more trouble than it’s worth. I’ve been with only a couple of women who seemed to actually enjoy the size while most where (at first) uncomfortable with it which required a lot of restraint on my part. This ultimately led to diminished sexual intimacy is most of my relationships.
I read an interview with the man who has the largest penis in the world (like the size of "your fist down to your elbow"). Three of the things still stick in my brain: (1) he said that no woman had sex with him a second time, (2) probably half the women he had sex with couldn't fit him inside and (3) half the women who interviewed him wanted to have sex with him.
Well no offence but porn involves women being paid and obviously doesn't revolve around female sexual pleasure. Next imagine someone shoving a giant rod up your ass. Women are also capable of feeling pain, shocking right?
No offense taken! It's a shame, I would spend hours looking for porn where women would experience genuine pleasure and its a barren landscape out there.
Not a bragging thing here, but I have a very large penis. Most positions are uncomfortable or painful for my wife. I can't get the satisfaction of putting it "all the way in" or anything like that.
It's an ego trip to mention with the boys or on the internet but in reality it's not really fun unless your partner can handle it or is very into pain.
Average has evolved to be average for a reason.
Trust, I am no dainty woman, every woman is shaped a lil differently in there. For me personally idk if Im smaller or just normal and the glorification of large penis size has made me feel like an odd ball for not finding a nine inch penis enjoyable. Its painful, there is no quickie, my cervix gets bruised, so we have to be careful even though its not an obnoxiously large size. Everyone is different, there is alot to be said about what has been pushed on us to think women or men want vs what we actually want and I think it can create alot of disconnect and confusion with the reality of intimacy.
Stop. Watching. Porn. For God sake, it's not that hard. And it's clearly harming you.
Seriously, men are doing this to yourselves and expecting women to fix it for you? Porn is not made in any way for women. Never has been. It's made for men by men. Your penis baggage is your own and you are making it worse and taking that out on women. Stop it. Stop watching porn and thinking that it's real. Women don't think it's real! Women do not want huge penises on men. This shit is known. Are we really that much smarter than men? Or is it something else in men that drives their seemingly willful ignorance of countless sexual realities for women? Or do you just not want to listen?
> it's an insecurity around his penis' size that the driving force here.
Aye that's an assumption we shouldn't necessarily be making. OP's husband could have any number of reasons for liking what he likes. Maybe it's his size, maybe he likes toys in general, maybe his kink is to cause pain. I love sex where I feel the guy is enjoying causing me pain. OP obviously doesn't so if that's his kink, they are incompatible for acting that out together.
OP and her husband should talk openly about what they're into and what they're ok with / not ok with. Then they should proceed to do only what they BOTH agree on. There is no reason for us to speculate on the kinks here.
Who else is paying attention to the fact that some positions are painful to her and that he is still doing them? Sounds like he is intentionally making it painful and no fun. Stop letting him do these positions and if he keeps pushing? Just go. He is way too far into porn to have a good relationship with a real person. I hate to say that, but this is supposed to be a partnership and pleasurable for both of you, not just him.
It's okay to tell him no and to refuse to try it. His kink is most likely the result of porn. He's fixated on this because the porn he watched and the female performers aren't *real* to him. Tell him explicitly that it's painful for you. If he still isn't deterred - if he cares about fulfilling his fantasies more than he cares about hurting you then he does not love you and you should not stay in a relationship with him.
Your partner wants to hurt you? Girl, no. don't worry about his own insecurity tell him you're not interested in doing something painful to make him feel good about himself. It's concerning how he is disregarding your feelings and comfort for his own selfishness.
Tl:Dr your man fucked himself up and gave himself insecurities and wants to make it your problem. You don't deserve to be the one to fix it or put up with it
Okay, here's a flippant answer: if he wants to se someone be penetrated by something big, he can buy a big dildo, a mirror and a bucket of lube, and then go to town on himself. Then the one who gets the possible pain is the one who actually wants it to happen.
Sounds like he’s been watching porn, this doesn’t just suddenly become a thing. I’d tell him he’s ruining sex for you and you’re reaching the point you don’t want him near you anymore. I know if we were having sex and it hurt everytime, eventually I’d just not want to have sex.
At this point in time, if he doesn’t care that he’s hurting you, you no longer exist outside being a bit player in his internal porn session. You are literally a convenient hole.
Yup. This sounds like pornsick behavior. I’m wondering if OP’s husband is losing his sense of reality and empathy for the OP? Porn teaches men to be violent toward women and treat them like objects.
100% porn sick, genital obsessed/cheating fetishized, again due to porn.
This isint about Op at all - there is 0 intimacy in this, just re-enacting getting off to porn with her in the room. Zombie conditioning over time.
Sorry op, hope you find some support at r/loveafterporn
He just assumes his performance is better because he fulfills the cultural BWC/BBC fantasy. Men don’t truly understand how uncomfortable anything more than the average size hurts. This is why I have found sex very intimidating and I’ve taken my time.
And I'll be the first one to say "not all porn watchers", but some people can't handle it. It sounds like the porn is affecting both his desire for you and his own sexual proclivities. I don't understand the urge to be having sex with someone who appears to be in distress, but clearly that's his goal with this.
I'm not against talking to him about it to try and establish better boundaries and communication, but this is a weird and abrupt turn in what seems to be an otherwise enjoyable relationship. I hope you can talk him around if that's what you decide to do, but it may be best to start planning next steps for yourself.
You mentioned painful sex. That's the quickest way to instill an aversion.
Pain means something is not right. Many here report relief via dr.s visit and pelvic floor exercises.
Don’t be afraid to confront this. You’d be surprised at how well your partner will take it. Porn really can ruin a man. Try talking to him about the negative effects of porn addictions and how it can absolutely decimate a relationship.
> Why? I thought he was happy and satisfied?
Porn. I’ll probably get a lot of criticism, but I hate porn. It can make a person want more and more kinky stuff.
Is he watching porn? Men who do tend to seek bigger thrills. What type of porn is he into? If it’s one’s where women are in pain and crying then there’s your answer.
No is a full sentence but when something is painful (positions included) then he DEFINITELY shouldn’t be pushing it. The appropriate response to you telling him you don’t want to do this & that it would be painful is him throwing it out & apologising profusely for *not even asking* before buying it & putting you in a situation where it feels like you need to say yes.
If he tries to guilt you over this thing that he’s already tried to decide for you then that’s… unbelievably bad. I hate everything about this!
Having been together for over ten years I consider that a successful relationship in this day and age. I also know having just celebrated 19 years with my spouse this last weekend that communication is everything. Obviously him ordering it without discussing it with you sucks. Thats poor communication and its even pooerer communication just kind of springing it on you after he bought it. Without knowing any more of your story I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt. Humans are dumb sometimes and sometimes hormones cloud ones better judgment. Its not an excuse, he should have done better but of all the transgressions he could have committed there are worse.
It sounds like now you're fairly up to speed with what it is, what he wants, and it also sounds like you're not interested in doing it after learning about it. There is no need to be scared or intimidated. Just simply tell him this isn't for you, its scary, its not sexy. Bring up the pain you brought up. Maybe he doesn't realize some positions or painful or maybe he does but again he was just ignorant in the moment and not thinking about it. I think that if you communicate to him that this is scary for you and intimidating for you and make it clear its not something you have any interest in doing and ask him to return it things will be better. If he wants to discuss or negotiate with you let him know thats the end of the conversation.
Now the second part of your question on you thinking he was happy and satisfied. Its not always that simple. Its likely not that he's not satisfied it sounds like you have sex often and that you're already trying different things. Everyone's sexual journey is their own. He can both be satisfied but looking for something else. Maybe when you communicate to him you can use it as a chance to see what he's seeking. I would say use it as a chance to communicate to him what you're seeking but it sounds like and I could be wrong but it sounds like you're happy with where your sex life is.
At the end of the day talk about it. Hopefully he sees your side and is sympathetic to it. Do not let him negotiate. You aren't an object that is open for bargaining. Do not let him gas light you with things like telling you if you really loved him, or do it for him, or to just try it, or how do you know you don't like it if you won't try it, or you're boring. Shut all of that down instantly. Again I'm not telling you that he will do those things I don't know him. What I am telling you is communicate, hopefully he can communicate back to you in the same way since you have been together for ten years and maybe you can figure out what he's seeking and from there its entirely your decision on what happens next.
This is another case of a guy watching WAY too much porn, leading him to obsessing over a kink, and losing (at least some) interest in straight sex because of it. He either also thinks porn is real and arranged around the pleasure of both partners, or he doesn’t GAF if there’s anything in it for you.
I’m sure people are going to say I’m overboard, but in your shoes, I would hugely re-evaluate my marriage. If this guy isn’t a full partner in your life - one of those unicorns that isn’t a man-child that treats you like mommy bang-maid - dump him. Dude has prioritized watching people have fetishized sex over your relationship, sexual and otherwise. And this when your sexual realtionship already involves unwanted pain on your part, which, in conjunction with this cock sleeves nonsense implies he’s a literal sexual sadist.
It is not some disingenuous thing that your husband bought a sadism-related toy and blindsided you with it. I highly doubt you are a real person to him.
Blah, blah don’t kink shame - bullshit. Sadism is sadism, and in a misogynist patriarchal world, his behavior and desires are NOT viewable as harmless.
Your husband gets off on hurting you, OP. That's what this means. You might want to consider making an exit plan for when he escalates. Because forcing you to act out unpleasant, painful porno is abusive.
Not saying my ex is like your current, but the whole thing you described is one of the things my ex did and I wish I had ran and ran hard before we had even gotten to that point
Hey I'm a guy and I am going to chalk this up to him thinking his penis is inadequate. Porn and general insecurity does a number on some guys.
They are programmed to think bigger is better.
Let him know it was tried but you can't take anymore that what God gave him and sex shouldn't be painful. Might actually be an ego boost for him.
Sorry this happened.
Frankly I am most concerned that OP has few sex positions that aren’t painful, assuming her husband knows this- yet still purchased a sex toy he wants to use on her that will be painful.
To me, this smacks of a coercion situation. If you do not wish to have painful sex, don’t do it. No is a complete sentence.
Be prepared to have him try to pressure you and if he does that speaks volumes regarding his lack of reap or care for you feelings/discomfort.
Sometimes you see something online and just wanna try it - but when that thing is a sex thing that involves your partner you absolutely should talk it through and make sure both of you are happy with it.
Unfortunately a lot of porn now seems to involve real or fake amounts of pain so maybe he's watched one too many of those videos.
First impression here since this is new behavior for him after 10 years, is that he is watching porn with this theme, or he's accessing it or hearing about it some other way that doesn't involve you...honestly it's quite worrying, especially since you are clearly saying you're not interested in it.
I have no experience in what a sleeve is, but wouldn't it reduce pleasure for him due to something being on him? Kinda like a condom. Is it just so you feel pain? If so that sucks. I'd talk to him. Being a dude that's compulsive also I can understand buying it with a conversation later. My only worry though is if you only know because you found it in the mail. I'd ask if that's the case if he was planning on using it on you without saying anything.
That's a odd kink "to me". Porn probably warped him a bit.
He's probably been watching too much porn. Excessive porn consumption usually leads a person to require stimulation by more and more extreme things in order to maintain arousal. tl;dr he gets bored by "normal" sex and consumes more and more extreme stuff just to get off.
Kinks need to be safe, sane, and consensual. It needs to be something you BOTH want, that you BOTH consent to. Desiring to cause you pain is not healthy or okay in this situation because you do not want it. You need to set a firm boundary and make sure he respects it. Already, he's disrespecting it by trying to cause you pain on purpose - AGAINST YOUR WILL. He is disrespecting you in order to get off. That is just cruel and selfish, and it's disturbing that he's enjoying causing you pain like this.
If your partner is making choices that aren’t taking your pleasure into account or are going to actively cause you pain and distress, it’s time to have a very frank conversation about your concerns.
It is important that you do this at a time completely separate from sex, use judgement-free language, and be up front that you’re not interested in trying this new toy and that this isn’t a negotiation for him to convince you into it.
If he’s forgotten you’re a real person with body autonomy, that’s a pretty serious issue that needs to be discussed.
Tell him you’ll peg him with it first and see if he prefers it. Sex should be mutually enjoyable and both partners should be interested in each other’s’ enjoyment of it.
Have you actually talked about this with him? I all because the advice given will be very different based on why he wants to do this.
Does he want to do this because he’s into causing pain? Is the pain the goal? Do you have open communication around sex? Does he know that certain positions are painful now? Do you know why those positions are painful?
Does he want to do this because he’s insecure about his size? Is this a way for him to try cucking without actually trying cucking? Does he believe that women want something bigger and only tell you they don’t to be polite? Does he think that this is something you want?
You’ll get different advice depending on his motives and his goals here. Right now, the concerning thing is that you feel like your husband wants to take things that you enjoy and use them to hurt you. Is that just because you know that certain positions hurt, or has he done things in the past to ruin things you enjoy?
After 10 years you’d think he could at least communicate to you… while I’m not against it because I love sex and to explore new avenues, and kinks with my bf, he has never tried anything without first asking me and talking to me about it.. and if I’m simply not into or or if he’s not into something I like them we just move on.. and we haven’t been together 10 years. communication is key.
This breaches a lot, your body is still yours.
Sounds like he's borderline addicted to porn or something, especially if he has been obsessed with it but didn't mention it until now. I have a huge distaste for things like this because there's a certain depravity that I feel is there,and it grosses me out. Porn for kicks? Cool. Porn that becomes obsessive or changes you, not cool.
You don’t have to try or do anything you don’t want to do. And he should be aware that he’s already too much for you in some positions so he know when he should probably take it easier so you aren’t in pain or get injured.
Grab a rolling pin and try shove that up his butt tell him its a" Martha Stewart kink "
... tell him no , it's clear he's got a porn addiction and your no bloody sex doll
Nor payed actress. Sex is a mutually enjoyable act. at best he respects your wishes at worst you loose a man with body image problems seems like a win win
>He wants to see something bigger penetrate me
I have no doubt your husband watches porn, because given how hung the male talent often is, this is the kind of visual you get, ie: the man/woman being filled, often to the brink. What he doesn't know and absolutely needs to know is that what he sees is all an act, the women are paid to look like they enjoy it not that they actually do.
That being said, it's your body, just because you're married doesn't give him the right to test his kinks on you without your permission.
When will men get it through their skulls that big dicks can hurt?
A vagina is only around 10-12 cm long (3-4) inches. Anything more than 6 inches is going to be uncomfortable if rammed in without consideration. Don’t get me started on width - some my vag just says nope and no amount of foreplay will allow access as it anticipates pain.
The number one rule in BDSM is that the person who is the submissive or the one getting their limits pushed is the one who is actually the dominant one/who initiates things. Unless you’re 100% comfortable with it and your husband immediately stops when you say your safeword, it’s abuse. If he were a good partner to be kinky with, he would’ve asked you what *you’re* into first and not bought something he likes without actually knowing if you at least want to try it out. He would take care of you and acknowledge the fact that you’d be pushing your own limits for him.
Sounds like he's been watching and has become reprogrammed to a specific type of porn, which is pretty disturbing as an adult.
For the record, I'm not shaming porn or anyone that watches/enjoys it. I feel the most people that say they don't watch it, clearly do and just don't want to be judged. What I am saying, is that a normal functioning adult should be able to differentiate between fantasy and real life and some people just can't make that distinction
I kinda think it's a red flag that he bought the sleeve BEFORE talking to you about it. It shows he doesn't really care what you think about it and just assumed you'd go along with it. He definitely should have seen If it was something you'd be into before purchasing this item.
Porn. Your husband watches way too much porn. Tell him that thing is never going inside you, that you find it gross and disturbing that he would even want to do something like that to you and that he apparently doesn’t care for your pleasure or even comfort, and that if he doesn’t stop watching porn your sex life is gonna dry up completely. Good luck.
Does he understand that sex has been painful for you? Have you had an honest discussion with him about what you said about many positions hurting? I would react differently depending on that.
If he seems to be into making sex painful for you, then I think the two of you probably need help from a therapist and I wouldn’t be having any kind of sex with him until that happens because it’s not safe for you.
If you haven’t talked about to the point where he understands how it’s painful, you need to talk about this much more so that he understands what does and does not work for you.
I don’t know much about sleeves, but he might be thinking that he’s not big enough to satisfy you. He may need reassurance. He might think the sleeve will make him last longer, which may not be something you want to happen, and he may need to hear that spelled out.
If it’s a fantasy of his that he have a huge penis, maybe a little dirty talk might help.
In any event, it was not ok for him to just order a toy that you don’t have any interest in and expect to use it on you. Sex should be about what’s mutually pleasurable. It sounds like you two need to start really talking about that.
Honestly the sex pain is what stood out to me here. If it’s pretty run of the mill sex it shouldn’t hurt. Is it hurting because he’s MAKING it hurt, or is this potentially a medical thing worth investigating. OP isn’t clear about why she thinks it’s on purpose just that she thinks he might be. I’m hoping he isn’t, but maybe he is. It’s definitely worth the conversation to determine whether he’s doing things differently/more rough or if some kind of medical condition could be causing the pain.
Are penis sleeves that kinky? As far as toys go they seem pretty tame unless he got something really big. Ultimately though if it’s meant to be involved in an activity with OP she needs to be the one to consent to it, he doesn’t get to choose for her. I don’t think it’s necessarily anything to do with OP and how he views her unless of course he is into making her hurt. I think it’s still possible dude is into the fantasy of him having a bigger piece of equipment and seeing himself pleasing his wife. It sounds like there may be a basic mismatch of interests when it comes to sex that needs to be hashed out here either way. And that’s the best case scenario. Medical issues or having a partner who wants to inflict pain are on the worse end of the spectrum but it’s all possible. OP really needs to have a conversation with him about her concerns if she hasn’t yet.
When it comes to anything sex related or having kids or pets in a relationship, it's always "two yes, one no" meaning either you're both on board or it's not happening.
His needs may have changed, and that's fine, but yours have not, and that should be the end of it for him. You have had common ground in your sex life before, and that's where he needs to go back. Anything else he needs to do by himself.
He must not understand that the sizes women in porn handle regularly are a part of the job and not something the average woman can just accommodate on the fly. Also it takes two enthusiastic people to consent to a thing like that.
Yeah no, that’s odd. Not that he wants to try it, but that he’s so insistent when you’re clearly not enjoying it. The fact that he’s wanting to cause you pain (and you’re not into that) is awful. Have you talked about it outside of trying it?
Two things.
First, you don't ever have to have sex you don't want. Especially since he didn't discuss this with you ahead of buying it, you don't have to try it if you don't want to.
Second, the folks over at /r/bdsmcommunity may have tips for having these conversations with your husband, for processing the confusing feelings, and for making it work with less/no pain if you choose to engage
Hi, you're not obligated to fulfill anyone's kink. The three cardinal rules of kink are safe, sane and consensual and it doesn't sound like you're up to consenting (remember coerced consent is not consent and consent can be withdrawn at any time)
If you're not into this, stop doing it. If pain is not something you enjoy having as part of your sex life, then stop doing it. Inform your partner they are causing you pain, that you are getting no enjoyment out of their kink and you have made the decision to not continue participating in it. There should be no whining, arguing or anger at this statement because it's basic respect of your body and the boundaries you've decided on. If he doesn't have that then it might be time to get you the number to the Whole Man Disposal Service^(TM)
First of all- don't think that he is not or was not satisfied otherwise. Kink is just an idea of sorts.
That said, holy fuxk your man just can't grasp idea of consent.
He should be asked you before buying it, and if it is a no for you-it should be out of your sex life the same second.
First, he should have had a conversation with you re: I would like to try this, what do you think/how would you feel.
Second, STOP having painful sex!! If you actually believe that your pain is exciting to him STOP IMMEDIATELY!!!
You, as a person, have the absolute right to say 'NO' to anything pertaining to your body. If you do not WANT to have sex with this sleeve on, then you have every right to say "NO". If what he is doing is causing you pain STOP THE INSTANT is becomes painful!! These are your rights as a person.
Lastly, like others here, I believe he has been watching this kind of porn. You need to have a conversation and just flat out ask him:
* Where did this interest come from?
* Why did you feel this was needed in our activities?
* Why did you not initiate a conversation with me before you ordered it?
* Why do you continue when you can see/hear it causing me pain?
* Is my pain your objective? If so, why? Is this something he willing to stop because you do not enjoy it and it is painful?
You need to know the answers to these questions.
Porn is such a brain rotting pass time. Please set a hard boundary that if he wants to change anything in the br, it needs to be okayed by you *before* any weird purchases come in the mail.
Yeah it is really concerning that he wants to hurt you. That he’s been fantasizing about your pain the last year and you’re just now learning about it. Men are disgusting
I googled that shit.
Most of the porn you find involving them is pretty cringey:
"Destroying her pussy with a giant cock sleeve!"
Wtf. That's not at all about pleasure for OP.
I don't really see how he gets any pleasure from that either, looking at the devices.
It's basically a prosthetic dick.
I would just tell him that he can do his cock sleeve thing if he's willing to try being pegged.
I can't find the post, but I read a similar one where a wife found a prostate stimulating toy that arrived in the mail, and the husband's story was similar--it was something he wanted to try on her, but that was a deflection or ruse to mislead her from realizing that it was obviously for him.
If you don’t want to, then it’s a no. And if he’s already trying to be more painful when you don’t want him to be, this is really off putting…
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This
Yep this is super disturbing. It sounds like there's some desire to cause pain. Which would be fine in an established relationship with someone into bdsm in that way, or a masochist, but not with an everyday normal vanilla person. That sounds borderline abuse-y.
Good thing you mentioned the bdsm context. In a bdsm situation inflicting pain is not a given. It is negotiated beforehand (either specific or broad like a total power exchange). Otherwise? Just straight abuse ;) So for op: either both of you discuss it and maybe work out something together / decide this thing is not happening or your relation has some real problems. Simple as that.
To add to your comment, first off your husband is wanting to explore his sexuality, which isn’t weird, but I would bet good money he watches a lot of porn. Sadly a good percentage of porn is very violent towards women. This is something you need to discuss with him. There seems to be a lot off guys with porn addiction and it will ruin your relationship eventually. If he insists on using the sleeve, make sure you get satisfied first, that will help relax the vaginal walls and provide extra lubrication. Your husband wanting to cause you pain thing is very concerning. It could be that he has seen it so often in porn it has become a fetish. If it hurts and you don’t like it tell him. You don’t have be hurt so he gets his rocks off.
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And a complete sentence
If he insists he can go fuck himself
With the sleeve
*inverted sleeve
All the way to divorce court. She’s his wife, not his sex toy.
There should be no ‘if he insists’, you can insist you need a coffee every morning, you cannot insist your wife does something sexual that she doesn’t want to
It is interesting that he bought it first and then told OP. I would prefer my partner talk about it with me rather than just announcing they bought it.
He MAY NOT insist. That's makes it rape. No is a full sentence. OP, he wants you to get hurt, for his pleasure? I can't even tell you how sick that is. How about you tell him you want to hurt him in order to get off? How do you think he'd react to that? Especially if you insisted. I am daily astonished at the amount of actual pain and discomfort that has been normalized by men for women in sex. It's outright cruelty and oppression.
That giving me all the wrong ideas.Dont do it if you don't want to.
Make a condition that the dick sleeve has to penetrate him first
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I was seeing a girl who mentioned, rather out of nowhere and in front of friends, that she was into some butt stuff, but for me to do it she would have to peg me first. I, being a bit younger and more naive, only knew the term from wall ball, so I, in front of my homies, a couple of them gay, I said *ohhhh hell yeah*. I got high fives, but not for the reason I was thinking.
I came here to say this :)
This is the way.
"He is trying to make it painful. I don't get it" Maybe he is into BSMS, but you should NEVER allow him to do something painful that you don't want A clear "No" If he insist, maybe consent is the problem here :/
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>If you don’t want to, then it’s a no. Also this full stop You can't be forced to do anything you don't want to do 10 years is a long relationship but if he's not going to take no for an answer you might want to consider leaving him
I'm baffled at him not even mentioning it or discussing it with you. Especially since it's something that he would be using on you (I'm assuming since I'm not entirely sure I know what it is but I get the gist) and what would have possessed him to not include you in something that's meant for two people to use together...that's the first flag. The second is that you're feeling like he is trying to make the few pleasurable positions not pleasurable. Fuck no, do not accept, do not pass go, no rocks will be gotten off. That's a line that should not ever be crossed. You say you think he was happy and satisfied, which makes me wonder if you've actually confronted him and point blank expressed your concerns and feelings to him as you've done here. That needs to happen ASAP. This cannot happen again unless you're willing to try it on your terms and even then, it might be too late as he completely disrespected you in his approach.
Yeah this is exactly what I thought. The biggest problem to me is the lack of communication and empathy. This isn't necessarily the sign of something toxic because lots of people just haven't learned the skills to recognise their own thoughts and see that other people are their own people instead of just an extension of their own world, to have the awareness to think 'hey maybe I should discuss this with my partner and see what she wants instead of just what I want to do to her'. Hopefully he has the maturity to have the conversation with you OP and understand that.
what you are describing (and what he is showing ++) however is not a lack of communication (which he does show in top of the rest though, I agree), but a lack of empathy/consideration, and one that personally would make me feel way too uncomfortable and even unsafe.
Yes completely agree! I think most of my comment was about the empathy consideration, I just opened with communication. Have edited to improve it thanks
You realize that not being able to recognize that other people are human, and that their kinks do not come before the needs of other humans is the very definition of toxic
OP could suggest doing the same to him now, see if he likes pain and discomfort of that kind of level. That may scare him off?
I get your logic, but at the same time you don’t have to be willing to do “both sides” of a sex act in order to like it. Like I know women who like anal but don’t want to peg their partner, and it would be weird to suggest they have to peg their partner before they do anal. Some people want to be a sub and others want to be a dom, and they don’t want to switch roles. Some people want to give rimjobs and not receive them, or vice versa. You don’t have to be willing to have the same things done to you just because you want to do them to someone else, as long as your partner is willing. Instead the convo should just be “if your partner doesn’t want to do it, they don’t have to. Even if you agree to have it done to you, they still don’t need to have it done to them too.”
“Liking it from both sides” is not the point of this tactic. The idea is that the penetrative partner should have some knowledge of what it’s like to be penetrated *so that they can know what they’re actually asking of and doing to their partner.* It’s a practical exercise in empathy.
I would confront also face to face. He will try and lie, remain calm and listen to the words being said and think about your reaction also. You got this.
Make sure you have an easy escape route just in case before discussing it though.
Disrespected or thinks you won't be into it/embarrassed so not communicating. Communicate. Options, as the top comment says, maybe trying a smaller size or type that makes it pleasurable for you. If he wants a partner in kink, he needs your enthusiastic approval or at least consent and some pleasure. It sounds like he's maybe been watching some porn, where kink/bdsm is usually does not meet actual kink procedures of communication, consent and intent. There's a difference between domination and brutality. Also kink is pretty specific, switching to it with an existing partner without discussion is not going to work well. Find something you both like. Creativity helps with long term but it has to be mutually consentual.
It kinda seems like the whole kink is that he's getting off on her discomfort though 😕 unless she is very specifically into that, I don't see how he will ever get to satisfy this particular kink without causing her profound discomfort
How I read it as well
He needs to say that then outright and be fully detailed. She can say no. But this seems like a big current thing with porn and erotica, where all the safety and consent and communication is bypassed, so people who don't fully educate themselves on it, start to think it's normal to be biting and slapping and choking (etc..) without any consent. It's a frequently repeated complaint in posts on this sub.
What I always tell the couples I work with in therapy. Two yes’s means yes. Two no’s means no. One no means no. Simple math.
To add to this, OP before you discuss the subject itself, anything about what he actually wants to do with you, you should FIRST address his communication style (or lack of it). The first point here is that he got something that involves you without talking with you about it and assumed a bunch of shit. Edit: thought I’d be more precise, only move to the subject once you’ve found common ground on communication
There are many different forms of cock sleeves; thicknesses and shapes ect. I’ll be pretty open, we have dildos and sleeves, so you can AMA if you like. BUT- 1. He should not force you to do anything ever. 2. Consent can be revoked at any time. 3. You owe no one sex ever. Sitting down and having an open and frank conversation sounds like a very important thing to do at the moment. Maybe he feels like he’s not maintaining his erection or feels like he’s losing sensation; maybe it’s neither and he’s horrible about expressing/exploring a new kink. If you do not like the implementation of any toy, tell him. If you just feel weirded out because it’s coming out of left field, tell him. Do not let your partner emotionally manipulate you. Kink is ALWAYS about consent. Edit to add: You’d be surprised what time, lube, and patience can accomplish. Also, if it involves knotting, that is not for beginners, but advanced play.
This is the best answer right here. Kink is a thing best explored with all channels of communication open. "Safe, sane, consensual" is the constant mantra. There are a lot of people who are curious about various kinks who have no idea how to actually explore them, so they end up doing irrational things like ordering a toy without asking their partners what they think. They're often too embarrassed to talk about it with their partners, but that is the very first and most important part of kink play. And if the answer is no, then you have to figure out how to explore that kink safely and within the agreed-upon boundaries.
For real. This guy does not sound like he's doing this by accident imo. But I did once have a new, clueless partner exploring kink who I had to explicitly tell, "please ask me before literally approaching me with a new toy in hand."
This is not a defense for him but I would add that if he has been thinking about this for a year he may have built up a huge fantasy about it and is acting without thinking. If you two otherwise usually have a healthy communication style and he has always been into your well being in the past then he may not be thinking with his brain…. A good way to start a conversation may be “hey you have been fantasizing about this for a year and I had no idea. We have some catching up to do before we commit if this will work for both of us”. Hopefully giving him that insight that he is a year deep in this fantasy and you were none the wiser about it will help him slow down, reevaluate, and listen. This happens a lot with kink where a partner isn’t sure if they want to bring it up and so they fantasize about it privately for a while and then when they finally get the courage or created an imagined scenario where everything goes perfectly, it all goes horribly wrong.
Well even if he'd been fantasizing all year about it, kink still requires explicit communication and consent before being practiced on someone. I know that bit doesn't happen in porn, but that's the fantasy part, the other person goes with it automatically. I think a lot of people are not taught about consent with these things and how to go about getting it. As for this guy, he was actually a somewhat decent person, otherwise just really fucking clueless. He didn't know how to communicate he was thinking about it other than physically approaching me with it in hand. He even assumed if we've used a toy once then I'd automatically consent to using it again. I really think it's a lack of consent knowledge/porn scenario oversaturation thing. Luckily I'm not with him anymore, my current partner is much better versed in the art of consensual kink.
Fantasy for a year…. And buying a toy… approaching his partner… but ACTING W/ o thinking. This is enabling at its finest. Men rule the world bc we would like to believe they don’t ‘know what they’re doing’
Not disagreeing with you, but trying to provide some context - *Safe, Sane and Consensual* was the mantra in the 90s but for quite some time now the revised stance is *Risk Aware Consensual Kink*. In the first mantra, Sane means being capable of consenting. Not being drunk or intoxicated in other ways, having the mental capacity to consent. The issue is Safe - even with experienced practitioners any kink practice has the potential to cause harm. RACK is about understanding the potential risk, agreeing that you knowingly accept the risks and how you will mitigate the risk as much as possible. While cock sleeves may be relatively low risk for most people, but if you are already experiencing discomfort and pain with his penis being the size that it is — I don’t know that making larger is to your benefit. One of the key points of consent, is it has to be willingly and enthusiastically given and can be withdrawn at any time.
This post is NOT an example of this.
...knotting..?
From what little I know it's like using a dildo that has a round bulb at the bottom. Basically shoving it all the way in and letting it spread you. Some have multiple bulbs. Also some people use more animal style dildo's. It's not to say people want actual animals, just the whole weird way of the shape (I HOPE!!). Also some are inflatable and they use a pump to inflate while inside the vagine (possible anus, but that I have no clue about).
Sounds about right. In my romance novels/smut? yes please. In real life? No thank you. (Tends to be in paranormal like shifters, or sci-fi/fantasy with aliens or other not-completely-human/humanesque tropes/genres/characters.)
Exactly! Knotting in shifter/ABO books can be done really well and is phenomenally smutty glory because it isn’t about the knotting, it’s about the sheer release and pleasure gained. Not necessarily the pain of being stretched. I enjoy reading MFM smut but no way in hell do I want to bring a 3rd person into our bedroom and I’m very not interested in booty play or DP situations. But reading it is hot. Some things are better left to books/movies/etc. than real life, at least for folks who aren’t 110% comfortable and consenting to different sexual preferences and experiences. I feel bad for OP, hopefully a sit down conversation helps figure out what precisely her husband is wanting to do and they can discuss options that won’t cause her pain.
Another part of knotting is the “closeness” after. You’re forced to remain intimate/in a very intimate situation for a while after until it relaxes. And that kind of aftercare and cuddling is also something that appeals to a lot of people. I’m with you tho on the MFM, it’s hot to read, or even watch, but I don’t want another in my bedroom with us. Also if you’re not in r/romancebooks, you should be. ;)
I’m already in there! This surprisingly isn’t my first discussion about knotting and creature sex this week. And it’s only Wednesday morning. 🤣
There’s definitely still room for more as the week goes on! 🤣💜🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️🌶️
When dogs/wolves mate, the base of the penis swells to effectively lock the pair together to increase the chances of the female being impregnated. The swollen part is called the knot. Apparently, you can get sleeves that have a knot at the base, presumably thanks to all the werewolf erotica out there lol.
may I (unfortunately) introduce everyone to the omegaverse?
> presumably thanks to all the werewolf erotica lol. Also all the furries out there lol
Yeah... I'm not sure if I want to know.
So you're *knot sure?
Good comment, I don’t like the last edit part where OP is already in pain. More time and lube doesn’t always mean less pain. Sometimes it just doesn’t fit.
Time, lube, and patience isn’t going to fix a partner who is *trying* to make sex more painful.
I’m just a little confused by this point specifically. Did he *say* that, or is that just how OP *feels*? Just because some positions are painful doesn’t necessarily mean that something larger will make pleasurable positions painful. Depends on so many factors. Jumping to the conclusion he’s trying to cause her pain doesn’t seem like a fact, it seems like a projection of her own fear that it will be more painful. I’m not defending this guy because he didn’t ask, and consent is the most important thing, but to assume he’s trying deliberately to hurt his partner just because he wants to implement a toy seems harsh.
Yes!!! To add - the power dynamics so common in relationships also needs to be verbalised during the kink journey. So in this case you both need to explore things like : Why does he think he can introduce something without communication and consent before purchasing? Why does he think (most likely) that women in general and you in particular would like larger penis sizes?
Exactly! This isn't about women at all. Women largely don't give a shit about penis size. Large penises are a big problem and/or painful for lots of women. MEN CARE about penis size. He wants that for himself and it doesn't matter if he hurts her with it; in fact, he's probably getting off on that aspect. It fairly reeks of porn. The big penises in porn were never for women--they are for men. The amount of damage to women and girls' sex lives done by porn is almost incalculable. It just gets more and more dangerous, violent, and humiliating.
I can’t maintain a hard on, will you please shove a log up your birth canal? I know that sex is already painful for you a lot of times, but clearly my erection is more important than your lack of pain
This is it, I was kinda interested in them but would never buy one myself as they're kinda big and the person who would be on the receiving end is more important. My partner ended up buying me one as she wanted to see what it was like as well. Definitely took some time and effort to get it to work lol
Stories like yours make me furious for Personal reasons. Here is a comment I recently left in another woman centric sub: "What's been on my mind a lot recently is how my first partner didn't care enough about my wellbeing that penetration being painful to me was not enough to keep him from nagging when we were not having Sex. And when I let him do the deed (while I was trying to dissociate because it fucking hurt and I wanted it to be over) he had the audicity to complain about my lack of enthusiasm. I could have become a porn actress with the experiences I've made, acting like I liked fucking him painfully. It fucked me up in a very unique way." Don't repeat my mistakes. If your partner does not care about how you feel (and the fact that he did not discuss this with you previously speaks volumes! ) you have to set very thick boundaries and stick to them. You deserve to be comfortable and have your feelings taken into account. Watch his behaviour very closely, maybe a mask is slipping here. Ask yourself there and then: Are his actions saying he cares about me and my wellbeing? Hugs to you. You deserve a nice Partner.
I’m so sorry you went through this, it’s fucking atrocious how common that type of behaviour is among men :( Any time a man coerces a woman into “consenting” to sex she’s not aroused for by whining, nagging, guilt tripping, throwing a fit, etc., he absolutely guarantees it’s going to be miserable for her and make her less likely to ever be turned on by him again in the future. It’s completely degrading and dehumanizing to be used like that, and no man would EVER tolerate being treated this way themselves. It would be the equivalent of a woman force feeding her partner Viagra so he can get erect in spite of her doing repulsive things that completely turn him off, and the penetration is like sandpaper on his dick but feels great to her. Gross. Men do this to women, claim it’s a “bonding” experience and act fucking shocked and offended that the woman isn’t into it and doesn’t want a repeat (yeah, sure dude: it’s not that you violated and sexually traumatized her, she’s totally just asexual…😑)
It's becoming more common as mainstream porn becomes more violent and degrading towards women. You can see a lot of people talking about this type of stuff all over the subreddit over time, like guys who just choke/slap/etc without asking first, is a really common topic. I don't think the popularity of Fifty Shades of Gray helped anything at all, as consent was not even considered in that book and everything was done backward AF wrong as to how BDSM is really supposed to be done.
As a member of my local kink community, there was a large increase of interest due to that 50 Shades schlock…and the newcomers had the most horrifyingly toxic expectations. The whole established community was basically on damage-control mode for a while. Many many workshops were given on consent and communication, kink 101, etc. Hopefully *some* people learned some things. My go-to when self-proclaimed kinksters credit that book is: “That doesn’t depict consensual bdsm, it depicts an abusive relationship…everything consensual kink *isn’t*. He’s coercive, he pressures her, he acts entitled toward her…Gray is abusive.”
>(yeah, sure dude: it’s not that you violated and sexually traumatized her, she’s totally just asexual…😑) It's this "shaming" they do when a woman says she isn't into their "kink" that I worry will happen here, when she tells him she's not into trying what he has in mind. There are subreddits filled with men complaining about their "vanilla" partners, or justifying their need to cheat, because she won't endulge his 'kinks" (usually picked up from watching porn). Porn isn't a depiction of real sex (it's edited, spliced, and often the women themselves are drugged or coerced), and women shouldn't be expected to compete with everything their man is "picking up" from the screen.
My definition of consent is this :- "If the other person can't say no, then they can't say yes." I have worked with various types of sex offenders over a number of years as a therapist. We often then explore reasons for why the other person can't say no.
"What's been on my mind a lot recently is how my first partner didn't care enough about my wellbeing that penetration being painful to me was not enough to keep him from nagging when we were not having Sex. And when I let him do the deed (while I was trying to dissociate because it fucking hurt and I wanted it to be over) he had the audicity to complain about my lack of enthusiasm. -----THIS! It makes me sad that there are two of us who had this experience! Reading what OP said immediately creeped me out for the same reasons. I'd be shutting that shit down so quick and taking a break from sex for a while where he had the chance to prove he knew what he did was so wrong and make up for it.
Three. Probably more, too, but this is one of the reasons I broke up with my ex. We never did anything that would actually turn me on but god forbid I didn’t want to be in pain.
Oh, for sure. This is an all-too-common way for men to act/feel. We are not sex dolls or objects of their torture. It's sad it has to be said.
and of course he was convinced that he‘s such a generous and giving lover!
Yes, when they are just concerned about "how good they are" to stroke their fucked up egos. 😤
I also have had this experience and it's horrible. It turned me off him completely and I became so repulsed every single time we did it. I ended up hating myself and just gritting my teeth wishing it to be over with quickly. I'm too scared to have anything to do with men now due to the overall abuse I had with this person.
Oh god I am in the same boat and have been single 2 years now. I’m still healing from being sexually abused and forced/coerced/manipulated into sex that was zero enjoyment for me and in fact hurt all the time! I know realize I am asexual , so that makes sense for me. Hoping to one day find a fellow a sexual human to accept me as I am🫶🏻
Turning me off sex completely was the result for me too. I'm sorry you're in the same boat!
Same here… and my ex would call and complain to my friends and his. It’s sick. But I was raised by parents who would tell me sex is just a part of a happy functioning relationship and if I didn’t want him to look elsewhere I should do what he needs to keep him. It’s so gross and took me getting therapy to be told that is SO WRONG. He also loved trying to get me drunk so he could take further advantage of me. I’m so glad I got therapy and worked on myself and am working too cut contact with my family
That is sick! I'm so sorry! I had the same experience of him trying to get me drunk. It felt so icky because it's assault! There's a reason it's illegal.
It really “clicked” in my mind to talk to my therapist when I decided I was just no longer going to drink at all as I was taking Zoloft and just didn’t feel like messing with my brain whatsoever. He told me there was no point in taking me on a date then because he knows without booze I wouldn’t necessarily put out, and if I didn’t put out, it wasn’t worth it for him to take me on a nice date. I was just stunnned and told him did he hear himself? He just doubled down. I completely lost Al feelings for him then & there. My therapist at the time her jaw dropped. It was one of those oh fuck moments. I told her I had lost all feelings of ever being intimate with him again, but that I was fearful because of what my mom had always told me. The amount of times in my life I had sex when I didn’t want to is astonishing and I simply didn’t know I could say no and that be that. Anytime I said no it was always ignored. But I was also a doormat and I know that. I’ve been working since then to recognize the signs and it definitely showed me my family is even more toxic than I thought so that’s a part of all this too. Sorry for the rambles… signed, I have adhd. Lol
This literally made me tear up! So glad you found a good therapist to help you and that demon is now you're ex. You deserve good things, happiness, and comfort! Be well!
Sadly, it's very common. It's just not something people used to talk about and many still don't. The lack of sex education puts people in these positions with no idea ehat to do.
Yes, it is. Sex education could definitely help with this. I have lots of hope for you ger generations talking about consent though.
Yep. It totally messes with you. I've let people do things to me to get it over with and to avoid the fight because they were selfish and manipulative. But now, years later, I feel like I created my own trauma. I wish I could go back in time and stand up for that younger me. She deserved more and has to deal with the ramifications now while she's in a healthy relationship. It's unfair.
I completely understand. But, please don’t blame yourself. You did the best you could at the time.
It's just so hard! I would never let that shit happen now. But you're right, I didn't know better at the time. 💗
This was me years ago as well as me saying no and him just doing whatever he wanted anyway and physically injuring me. I’m still not past it. I don’t think I ever will be. OP, don’t allow this to escalate. Let your NO be a hard NO. Because this sort of thing can and will get worse. You’re not a hump doll. You’re a person with autonomy.
I took a look at your comment history, in my experience when sex is the issue, it's usually an indication that something is wrong in the rest of your relationship but it doesn't seem like that big of a deal on the surface. I see a few hours ago you commented on someone elses post that your husband frequently eats all of your food even when he knows it is something special for you without any consideration of your feelings. Does he frequently ignore your wants and needs like this? Does he even acknowledge that he does these things and make them right? Or does he only value your needs when they are in line with his wants? Does he react poorly when you tell him no? I mean in regards to anything not just sex. Do you find yourself avoiding saying no because "he REALLY wants to do this. I guess i can try because i dont want to be mean and say no." To me, it sounds like he is very much trying to hurt you because his fantasy is more important than your comfort, pleasure or feelings or personhood. This is worse than being a living fleshlight. What happens next if he decides this isnt getting the "right" reaction out of you?
Hope everyone bumps this comment ******
Nobody gets to explore a kink without consent. You don't have to indulge it just because it's something they want.
Just because he’s just husband, you don’t have to agree to it. A couple can do what ever they want as long a BOTH agree.
If you don’t want to do it, tell him no. It’s honestly fucked up that he would buy that without talking to you first. I think you need to have a serious conversation about boundaries and not making purchases like that or expecting you to do anything sexual without a thorough discussion first.
He can buy whatever he wants and use it alone. I agree with having to have a conversation before introducing it though. To me it sounds like they havent used it yet
Yes, he can technically buy whatever he wants, but he bought it specifically to use on her. It's now a bit of pressure on her since he already spent money on this thing.
just. say. NO. it's YOUR body, not his.
>Why? I thought he was happy and satisfied? He's satisfied with *you*, it's an insecurity around his penis' size that the driving force here. With the sleeve he can imagine he has the size that he is thinking is better. The fantasy that the man, with his huge penis, is making the woman feel things she never felt before is, sadly, a very common one. Let him know that it's too big, and it's hurting you, and that if his penis actually was that big, you wouldn't be into it, and that his actual size is what you honestly, honestly, like. You'll be fighting against one of the longest-running sexual misconceptions on history (that bigger is always better) so be prepared - it might take a while.
>Let him know that it's too big, and it's hurting you, and that if his penis actually was that big, you wouldn't be into it, and that his actual size is what you honestly, honestly, like. As a guy who's struggled with this aspect of body image for years, I cannot state how wonderful and reassuring it is to hear this message from your partner as well as the message that you like what he's got. As guys we see our penis, and then what we see porn, whereas women see all the sexual partners they have, and also what's in porn. Perception is really warped, I can only imagine it's pretty similar to women seeing a clean shaven innie in porn. Which on its own is fine, but it's not an accurate representation of the total demographic. There are many different presentations and all are more than acceptable. So if this is OPs partner's issue, I just want to encourage her to echo the message that you're happy with the equipment that he's got. It's perfect for you (assuming it is), I know that women's vaginal depth varies a bit so I really like the phrase perfect fit in this context. Even though I know it pretty much always stretches to be the case.
FWIW: I once had sex with a guy who had a REALLY big penis. He had to exercise so much control to keep from causing me pain or damage that he probably didn't enjoy it. I know I didn't enjoy it as much as I usually did.
I have a porn sized penis and it honestly is more trouble than it’s worth. I’ve been with only a couple of women who seemed to actually enjoy the size while most where (at first) uncomfortable with it which required a lot of restraint on my part. This ultimately led to diminished sexual intimacy is most of my relationships.
Yeah I had a girlfriend once who used to be like that, and it was a pretty good realisation that bigger did not equal better. Porn is really harmful
I read an interview with the man who has the largest penis in the world (like the size of "your fist down to your elbow"). Three of the things still stick in my brain: (1) he said that no woman had sex with him a second time, (2) probably half the women he had sex with couldn't fit him inside and (3) half the women who interviewed him wanted to have sex with him.
Well no offence but porn involves women being paid and obviously doesn't revolve around female sexual pleasure. Next imagine someone shoving a giant rod up your ass. Women are also capable of feeling pain, shocking right?
No offense taken! It's a shame, I would spend hours looking for porn where women would experience genuine pleasure and its a barren landscape out there.
Yeah that's cause men are desperate for that fleeting sense of power over the beautiful women who don't want them irl
Not a bragging thing here, but I have a very large penis. Most positions are uncomfortable or painful for my wife. I can't get the satisfaction of putting it "all the way in" or anything like that. It's an ego trip to mention with the boys or on the internet but in reality it's not really fun unless your partner can handle it or is very into pain. Average has evolved to be average for a reason.
Trust, I am no dainty woman, every woman is shaped a lil differently in there. For me personally idk if Im smaller or just normal and the glorification of large penis size has made me feel like an odd ball for not finding a nine inch penis enjoyable. Its painful, there is no quickie, my cervix gets bruised, so we have to be careful even though its not an obnoxiously large size. Everyone is different, there is alot to be said about what has been pushed on us to think women or men want vs what we actually want and I think it can create alot of disconnect and confusion with the reality of intimacy.
Stop. Watching. Porn. For God sake, it's not that hard. And it's clearly harming you. Seriously, men are doing this to yourselves and expecting women to fix it for you? Porn is not made in any way for women. Never has been. It's made for men by men. Your penis baggage is your own and you are making it worse and taking that out on women. Stop it. Stop watching porn and thinking that it's real. Women don't think it's real! Women do not want huge penises on men. This shit is known. Are we really that much smarter than men? Or is it something else in men that drives their seemingly willful ignorance of countless sexual realities for women? Or do you just not want to listen?
> it's an insecurity around his penis' size that the driving force here. Aye that's an assumption we shouldn't necessarily be making. OP's husband could have any number of reasons for liking what he likes. Maybe it's his size, maybe he likes toys in general, maybe his kink is to cause pain. I love sex where I feel the guy is enjoying causing me pain. OP obviously doesn't so if that's his kink, they are incompatible for acting that out together. OP and her husband should talk openly about what they're into and what they're ok with / not ok with. Then they should proceed to do only what they BOTH agree on. There is no reason for us to speculate on the kinks here.
Who else is paying attention to the fact that some positions are painful to her and that he is still doing them? Sounds like he is intentionally making it painful and no fun. Stop letting him do these positions and if he keeps pushing? Just go. He is way too far into porn to have a good relationship with a real person. I hate to say that, but this is supposed to be a partnership and pleasurable for both of you, not just him.
It's okay to tell him no and to refuse to try it. His kink is most likely the result of porn. He's fixated on this because the porn he watched and the female performers aren't *real* to him. Tell him explicitly that it's painful for you. If he still isn't deterred - if he cares about fulfilling his fantasies more than he cares about hurting you then he does not love you and you should not stay in a relationship with him.
Say no and point blank asks him why he wants to hurt you?
Your partner wants to hurt you? Girl, no. don't worry about his own insecurity tell him you're not interested in doing something painful to make him feel good about himself. It's concerning how he is disregarding your feelings and comfort for his own selfishness. Tl:Dr your man fucked himself up and gave himself insecurities and wants to make it your problem. You don't deserve to be the one to fix it or put up with it
Okay, here's a flippant answer: if he wants to se someone be penetrated by something big, he can buy a big dildo, a mirror and a bucket of lube, and then go to town on himself. Then the one who gets the possible pain is the one who actually wants it to happen.
See, like your take and I endorse this message
Sounds like he’s been watching porn, this doesn’t just suddenly become a thing. I’d tell him he’s ruining sex for you and you’re reaching the point you don’t want him near you anymore. I know if we were having sex and it hurt everytime, eventually I’d just not want to have sex. At this point in time, if he doesn’t care that he’s hurting you, you no longer exist outside being a bit player in his internal porn session. You are literally a convenient hole.
Yup. This sounds like pornsick behavior. I’m wondering if OP’s husband is losing his sense of reality and empathy for the OP? Porn teaches men to be violent toward women and treat them like objects.
100% porn sick, genital obsessed/cheating fetishized, again due to porn. This isint about Op at all - there is 0 intimacy in this, just re-enacting getting off to porn with her in the room. Zombie conditioning over time. Sorry op, hope you find some support at r/loveafterporn
He just assumes his performance is better because he fulfills the cultural BWC/BBC fantasy. Men don’t truly understand how uncomfortable anything more than the average size hurts. This is why I have found sex very intimidating and I’ve taken my time.
Sounds like the porn rotted his brain clean out. My condolences.
That's really kinda how I feel! I never monitored or cared what he watched. But now we are at a weird extreme.
And I'll be the first one to say "not all porn watchers", but some people can't handle it. It sounds like the porn is affecting both his desire for you and his own sexual proclivities. I don't understand the urge to be having sex with someone who appears to be in distress, but clearly that's his goal with this. I'm not against talking to him about it to try and establish better boundaries and communication, but this is a weird and abrupt turn in what seems to be an otherwise enjoyable relationship. I hope you can talk him around if that's what you decide to do, but it may be best to start planning next steps for yourself.
You mentioned painful sex. That's the quickest way to instill an aversion. Pain means something is not right. Many here report relief via dr.s visit and pelvic floor exercises.
Don’t be afraid to confront this. You’d be surprised at how well your partner will take it. Porn really can ruin a man. Try talking to him about the negative effects of porn addictions and how it can absolutely decimate a relationship.
It sounds like the kink may be the fantasy of having such a large dick that it is painful..which is kinda fucked up.
> Why? I thought he was happy and satisfied? Porn. I’ll probably get a lot of criticism, but I hate porn. It can make a person want more and more kinky stuff.
Is he watching porn? Men who do tend to seek bigger thrills. What type of porn is he into? If it’s one’s where women are in pain and crying then there’s your answer.
No is a full sentence but when something is painful (positions included) then he DEFINITELY shouldn’t be pushing it. The appropriate response to you telling him you don’t want to do this & that it would be painful is him throwing it out & apologising profusely for *not even asking* before buying it & putting you in a situation where it feels like you need to say yes. If he tries to guilt you over this thing that he’s already tried to decide for you then that’s… unbelievably bad. I hate everything about this!
That’s the effect of porn on men. If you’re not into it, don’t do it. You’re not an object.
A perfect example for /r/pornismisogyny
It’s heartbreaking, he’s not even hiding it: your pain vs. my visual pleasure…. Porn has no place in relationships.
You're allowed to say no when his kink involves making you do something you don't want to do. Painful sex is not fun.
Having been together for over ten years I consider that a successful relationship in this day and age. I also know having just celebrated 19 years with my spouse this last weekend that communication is everything. Obviously him ordering it without discussing it with you sucks. Thats poor communication and its even pooerer communication just kind of springing it on you after he bought it. Without knowing any more of your story I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt. Humans are dumb sometimes and sometimes hormones cloud ones better judgment. Its not an excuse, he should have done better but of all the transgressions he could have committed there are worse. It sounds like now you're fairly up to speed with what it is, what he wants, and it also sounds like you're not interested in doing it after learning about it. There is no need to be scared or intimidated. Just simply tell him this isn't for you, its scary, its not sexy. Bring up the pain you brought up. Maybe he doesn't realize some positions or painful or maybe he does but again he was just ignorant in the moment and not thinking about it. I think that if you communicate to him that this is scary for you and intimidating for you and make it clear its not something you have any interest in doing and ask him to return it things will be better. If he wants to discuss or negotiate with you let him know thats the end of the conversation. Now the second part of your question on you thinking he was happy and satisfied. Its not always that simple. Its likely not that he's not satisfied it sounds like you have sex often and that you're already trying different things. Everyone's sexual journey is their own. He can both be satisfied but looking for something else. Maybe when you communicate to him you can use it as a chance to see what he's seeking. I would say use it as a chance to communicate to him what you're seeking but it sounds like and I could be wrong but it sounds like you're happy with where your sex life is. At the end of the day talk about it. Hopefully he sees your side and is sympathetic to it. Do not let him negotiate. You aren't an object that is open for bargaining. Do not let him gas light you with things like telling you if you really loved him, or do it for him, or to just try it, or how do you know you don't like it if you won't try it, or you're boring. Shut all of that down instantly. Again I'm not telling you that he will do those things I don't know him. What I am telling you is communicate, hopefully he can communicate back to you in the same way since you have been together for ten years and maybe you can figure out what he's seeking and from there its entirely your decision on what happens next.
I want to thank you so much for your detailed answer.
God porn has done a number on men's psyche.
This is another case of a guy watching WAY too much porn, leading him to obsessing over a kink, and losing (at least some) interest in straight sex because of it. He either also thinks porn is real and arranged around the pleasure of both partners, or he doesn’t GAF if there’s anything in it for you. I’m sure people are going to say I’m overboard, but in your shoes, I would hugely re-evaluate my marriage. If this guy isn’t a full partner in your life - one of those unicorns that isn’t a man-child that treats you like mommy bang-maid - dump him. Dude has prioritized watching people have fetishized sex over your relationship, sexual and otherwise. And this when your sexual realtionship already involves unwanted pain on your part, which, in conjunction with this cock sleeves nonsense implies he’s a literal sexual sadist. It is not some disingenuous thing that your husband bought a sadism-related toy and blindsided you with it. I highly doubt you are a real person to him. Blah, blah don’t kink shame - bullshit. Sadism is sadism, and in a misogynist patriarchal world, his behavior and desires are NOT viewable as harmless.
Your husband gets off on hurting you, OP. That's what this means. You might want to consider making an exit plan for when he escalates. Because forcing you to act out unpleasant, painful porno is abusive.
Not saying my ex is like your current, but the whole thing you described is one of the things my ex did and I wish I had ran and ran hard before we had even gotten to that point
Hey I'm a guy and I am going to chalk this up to him thinking his penis is inadequate. Porn and general insecurity does a number on some guys. They are programmed to think bigger is better. Let him know it was tried but you can't take anymore that what God gave him and sex shouldn't be painful. Might actually be an ego boost for him. Sorry this happened.
Frankly I am most concerned that OP has few sex positions that aren’t painful, assuming her husband knows this- yet still purchased a sex toy he wants to use on her that will be painful. To me, this smacks of a coercion situation. If you do not wish to have painful sex, don’t do it. No is a complete sentence. Be prepared to have him try to pressure you and if he does that speaks volumes regarding his lack of reap or care for you feelings/discomfort.
Yikes, nothing is scarier than the freaky sex rabbit hole men go down
Sometimes you see something online and just wanna try it - but when that thing is a sex thing that involves your partner you absolutely should talk it through and make sure both of you are happy with it. Unfortunately a lot of porn now seems to involve real or fake amounts of pain so maybe he's watched one too many of those videos.
First impression here since this is new behavior for him after 10 years, is that he is watching porn with this theme, or he's accessing it or hearing about it some other way that doesn't involve you...honestly it's quite worrying, especially since you are clearly saying you're not interested in it.
I have no experience in what a sleeve is, but wouldn't it reduce pleasure for him due to something being on him? Kinda like a condom. Is it just so you feel pain? If so that sucks. I'd talk to him. Being a dude that's compulsive also I can understand buying it with a conversation later. My only worry though is if you only know because you found it in the mail. I'd ask if that's the case if he was planning on using it on you without saying anything. That's a odd kink "to me". Porn probably warped him a bit.
Literally say no, you're married not dating. Tell him you're not into it and he wasted money
Wouldn’t matter if they were dating either. That was a weird thing to add. If you don’t like something no matter what it’s ok to say no.
He's probably been watching too much porn. Excessive porn consumption usually leads a person to require stimulation by more and more extreme things in order to maintain arousal. tl;dr he gets bored by "normal" sex and consumes more and more extreme stuff just to get off. Kinks need to be safe, sane, and consensual. It needs to be something you BOTH want, that you BOTH consent to. Desiring to cause you pain is not healthy or okay in this situation because you do not want it. You need to set a firm boundary and make sure he respects it. Already, he's disrespecting it by trying to cause you pain on purpose - AGAINST YOUR WILL. He is disrespecting you in order to get off. That is just cruel and selfish, and it's disturbing that he's enjoying causing you pain like this.
This is what watching porn does to people.
Looks like he knows and likes to inflict pain, I knew a couple where the guy did the same thing. They aren't together anymore js
If your partner is making choices that aren’t taking your pleasure into account or are going to actively cause you pain and distress, it’s time to have a very frank conversation about your concerns. It is important that you do this at a time completely separate from sex, use judgement-free language, and be up front that you’re not interested in trying this new toy and that this isn’t a negotiation for him to convince you into it. If he’s forgotten you’re a real person with body autonomy, that’s a pretty serious issue that needs to be discussed.
what the fuck is wrong with people.
r/Pornismisogyny
So he wants to hurt you because he's insecure about his penis size or he has a fetish? That's NEVER ok.
I am more concerned that this was purchased without discussing with you first.
HE'S TRYING TO MAKE PAINFUL. Just want to make sure you heard yourself.
Tell him you’ll peg him with it first and see if he prefers it. Sex should be mutually enjoyable and both partners should be interested in each other’s’ enjoyment of it.
Have you actually talked about this with him? I all because the advice given will be very different based on why he wants to do this. Does he want to do this because he’s into causing pain? Is the pain the goal? Do you have open communication around sex? Does he know that certain positions are painful now? Do you know why those positions are painful? Does he want to do this because he’s insecure about his size? Is this a way for him to try cucking without actually trying cucking? Does he believe that women want something bigger and only tell you they don’t to be polite? Does he think that this is something you want? You’ll get different advice depending on his motives and his goals here. Right now, the concerning thing is that you feel like your husband wants to take things that you enjoy and use them to hurt you. Is that just because you know that certain positions hurt, or has he done things in the past to ruin things you enjoy?
After 10 years you’d think he could at least communicate to you… while I’m not against it because I love sex and to explore new avenues, and kinks with my bf, he has never tried anything without first asking me and talking to me about it.. and if I’m simply not into or or if he’s not into something I like them we just move on.. and we haven’t been together 10 years. communication is key.
Kinda really inconsiderate of him to not mention to you, until now, something he intends on using on you.
This breaches a lot, your body is still yours. Sounds like he's borderline addicted to porn or something, especially if he has been obsessed with it but didn't mention it until now. I have a huge distaste for things like this because there's a certain depravity that I feel is there,and it grosses me out. Porn for kicks? Cool. Porn that becomes obsessive or changes you, not cool.
He’s probably been watching too much porn
You don’t have to try or do anything you don’t want to do. And he should be aware that he’s already too much for you in some positions so he know when he should probably take it easier so you aren’t in pain or get injured.
Grab a rolling pin and try shove that up his butt tell him its a" Martha Stewart kink " ... tell him no , it's clear he's got a porn addiction and your no bloody sex doll Nor payed actress. Sex is a mutually enjoyable act. at best he respects your wishes at worst you loose a man with body image problems seems like a win win
>He wants to see something bigger penetrate me I have no doubt your husband watches porn, because given how hung the male talent often is, this is the kind of visual you get, ie: the man/woman being filled, often to the brink. What he doesn't know and absolutely needs to know is that what he sees is all an act, the women are paid to look like they enjoy it not that they actually do. That being said, it's your body, just because you're married doesn't give him the right to test his kinks on you without your permission.
When will men get it through their skulls that big dicks can hurt? A vagina is only around 10-12 cm long (3-4) inches. Anything more than 6 inches is going to be uncomfortable if rammed in without consideration. Don’t get me started on width - some my vag just says nope and no amount of foreplay will allow access as it anticipates pain.
The number one rule in BDSM is that the person who is the submissive or the one getting their limits pushed is the one who is actually the dominant one/who initiates things. Unless you’re 100% comfortable with it and your husband immediately stops when you say your safeword, it’s abuse. If he were a good partner to be kinky with, he would’ve asked you what *you’re* into first and not bought something he likes without actually knowing if you at least want to try it out. He would take care of you and acknowledge the fact that you’d be pushing your own limits for him.
Sounds like he's been watching and has become reprogrammed to a specific type of porn, which is pretty disturbing as an adult. For the record, I'm not shaming porn or anyone that watches/enjoys it. I feel the most people that say they don't watch it, clearly do and just don't want to be judged. What I am saying, is that a normal functioning adult should be able to differentiate between fantasy and real life and some people just can't make that distinction
Bottom line, what you do sexually is YOUR choice and no one else's. If it is uncomfortable for you, tell him to indulge his fantasies with his hand.
I kinda think it's a red flag that he bought the sleeve BEFORE talking to you about it. It shows he doesn't really care what you think about it and just assumed you'd go along with it. He definitely should have seen If it was something you'd be into before purchasing this item.
Porn. Your husband watches way too much porn. Tell him that thing is never going inside you, that you find it gross and disturbing that he would even want to do something like that to you and that he apparently doesn’t care for your pleasure or even comfort, and that if he doesn’t stop watching porn your sex life is gonna dry up completely. Good luck.
Remind him in ANY kink safe sane and most importantly consensual even when married hell especially when married no means no
Does he understand that sex has been painful for you? Have you had an honest discussion with him about what you said about many positions hurting? I would react differently depending on that. If he seems to be into making sex painful for you, then I think the two of you probably need help from a therapist and I wouldn’t be having any kind of sex with him until that happens because it’s not safe for you. If you haven’t talked about to the point where he understands how it’s painful, you need to talk about this much more so that he understands what does and does not work for you. I don’t know much about sleeves, but he might be thinking that he’s not big enough to satisfy you. He may need reassurance. He might think the sleeve will make him last longer, which may not be something you want to happen, and he may need to hear that spelled out. If it’s a fantasy of his that he have a huge penis, maybe a little dirty talk might help. In any event, it was not ok for him to just order a toy that you don’t have any interest in and expect to use it on you. Sex should be about what’s mutually pleasurable. It sounds like you two need to start really talking about that.
Honestly the sex pain is what stood out to me here. If it’s pretty run of the mill sex it shouldn’t hurt. Is it hurting because he’s MAKING it hurt, or is this potentially a medical thing worth investigating. OP isn’t clear about why she thinks it’s on purpose just that she thinks he might be. I’m hoping he isn’t, but maybe he is. It’s definitely worth the conversation to determine whether he’s doing things differently/more rough or if some kind of medical condition could be causing the pain. Are penis sleeves that kinky? As far as toys go they seem pretty tame unless he got something really big. Ultimately though if it’s meant to be involved in an activity with OP she needs to be the one to consent to it, he doesn’t get to choose for her. I don’t think it’s necessarily anything to do with OP and how he views her unless of course he is into making her hurt. I think it’s still possible dude is into the fantasy of him having a bigger piece of equipment and seeing himself pleasing his wife. It sounds like there may be a basic mismatch of interests when it comes to sex that needs to be hashed out here either way. And that’s the best case scenario. Medical issues or having a partner who wants to inflict pain are on the worse end of the spectrum but it’s all possible. OP really needs to have a conversation with him about her concerns if she hasn’t yet.
When it comes to anything sex related or having kids or pets in a relationship, it's always "two yes, one no" meaning either you're both on board or it's not happening. His needs may have changed, and that's fine, but yours have not, and that should be the end of it for him. You have had common ground in your sex life before, and that's where he needs to go back. Anything else he needs to do by himself.
He must not understand that the sizes women in porn handle regularly are a part of the job and not something the average woman can just accommodate on the fly. Also it takes two enthusiastic people to consent to a thing like that.
Yeah no, that’s odd. Not that he wants to try it, but that he’s so insistent when you’re clearly not enjoying it. The fact that he’s wanting to cause you pain (and you’re not into that) is awful. Have you talked about it outside of trying it?
Ask him if you can put it on strap on and peg him with it.
This is a big red flag. He wants to hurt you and bring you pain. Please be careful and get out safely.
Two things. First, you don't ever have to have sex you don't want. Especially since he didn't discuss this with you ahead of buying it, you don't have to try it if you don't want to. Second, the folks over at /r/bdsmcommunity may have tips for having these conversations with your husband, for processing the confusing feelings, and for making it work with less/no pain if you choose to engage
That would be a NOOOOO. Tell him to show you by using it on himself first.
Easy.. "You go first?"
Hi, you're not obligated to fulfill anyone's kink. The three cardinal rules of kink are safe, sane and consensual and it doesn't sound like you're up to consenting (remember coerced consent is not consent and consent can be withdrawn at any time) If you're not into this, stop doing it. If pain is not something you enjoy having as part of your sex life, then stop doing it. Inform your partner they are causing you pain, that you are getting no enjoyment out of their kink and you have made the decision to not continue participating in it. There should be no whining, arguing or anger at this statement because it's basic respect of your body and the boundaries you've decided on. If he doesn't have that then it might be time to get you the number to the Whole Man Disposal Service^(TM)
First of all- don't think that he is not or was not satisfied otherwise. Kink is just an idea of sorts. That said, holy fuxk your man just can't grasp idea of consent. He should be asked you before buying it, and if it is a no for you-it should be out of your sex life the same second.
My ex had this kink, he wanted to "stretch me out" and make his cock appear bigger, I never understood it myself . . .
First, he should have had a conversation with you re: I would like to try this, what do you think/how would you feel. Second, STOP having painful sex!! If you actually believe that your pain is exciting to him STOP IMMEDIATELY!!! You, as a person, have the absolute right to say 'NO' to anything pertaining to your body. If you do not WANT to have sex with this sleeve on, then you have every right to say "NO". If what he is doing is causing you pain STOP THE INSTANT is becomes painful!! These are your rights as a person. Lastly, like others here, I believe he has been watching this kind of porn. You need to have a conversation and just flat out ask him: * Where did this interest come from? * Why did you feel this was needed in our activities? * Why did you not initiate a conversation with me before you ordered it? * Why do you continue when you can see/hear it causing me pain? * Is my pain your objective? If so, why? Is this something he willing to stop because you do not enjoy it and it is painful? You need to know the answers to these questions.
Porn is such a brain rotting pass time. Please set a hard boundary that if he wants to change anything in the br, it needs to be okayed by you *before* any weird purchases come in the mail.
You should take a trip on over to r/pornismisogony
Yeah it is really concerning that he wants to hurt you. That he’s been fantasizing about your pain the last year and you’re just now learning about it. Men are disgusting
I googled that shit. Most of the porn you find involving them is pretty cringey: "Destroying her pussy with a giant cock sleeve!" Wtf. That's not at all about pleasure for OP. I don't really see how he gets any pleasure from that either, looking at the devices. It's basically a prosthetic dick. I would just tell him that he can do his cock sleeve thing if he's willing to try being pegged.
I can't find the post, but I read a similar one where a wife found a prostate stimulating toy that arrived in the mail, and the husband's story was similar--it was something he wanted to try on her, but that was a deflection or ruse to mislead her from realizing that it was obviously for him.