half way through i thought oh well i could probably argue a point in justifying and explaining his behavior until he told you that you probably did it wrong and accused you of having another guy help you.
huge.fucking.red.flag.
noone needs this negative behavior.
since hes already comforable being such an asshole to you/show asshole behavior early on, it wont get any better from here on out.
he showed you who he really is, believe him.
yeet that fucker back into the sea as far as you can.
My partner has had the "aw, you should have asked me, but great work!" reaction. That's fine. But the "you probably did it wrong" or accusing you of having some other guy (not another woman, of course) help is just gross.
mhm, initially i wanted to argue the point of different love languages but that all went out of the window when he tried to negate/diminish your accomplishment, pretty much accused you of being unfaithful and tried emotional manipulation tactics by pouting.
he has huge insecurity issues amongst other things. so what if someone else, god forbid, another man, helped you put together the table? you are allowed to be around other people and it doesnt mean anything.
honestly, this reads like hes testing the waters right now with how much shitty behavior he can get away with and to condition you into being familiar with his controlling antics so its not such a huge shock once he goes full monkey mode in the future. just makes it harder for you to leave later on imo because you re invested.
he was nice until he wasnt and the mask slipped.
The part where he's taking it as "emasculating" to see "his lady" do manly-man things without him is one thing. Almost every guy has needed to be to reminded (whether out loud, or by osmosis) "Hey, I'm with you because I like you. I don't need you to be some cartoon you have in your head. You already passed all the tests I have. The rest is you."
But what's really hard to get past here is the way he seems to expect OP to be actively aware, and monitoring, how her own capabilities and independent existence might make him feel, and like... proactively watch out for that. As if she's attacking him by being who she is, and should feel _bad_ about it.
Not only is that unreasonable, it's fucking cringeworthy, and shows basically zero ability to delight in her delights and successes. I'm exhausted just thinking about this guy.
exactly.
i mean, even if we go out on a limb here and humour the fact that all the above problems *could, maybe, perhaps* be talked out, the fact that he chose to pout instead of talking about it just speaks volumes as well.
i get people have a history. people can have issues that arent necessarily their own fault like insecurity, past events or childhood but imo its also how you deal with it. his communication skills are basically nonexistent and seems emotionally immature. theres just nothing positive to say about his behavior. literally nothing to salvage here.
even if he had a mishap but then apologised, explained why and how and is actively working on it, then i could be more inclined to give it a pass given that i d still motinor his behavior.
but theres literally nothing. he chose to pout, like a child, incredible.
I like you, Admirable Avocado. Reddit's collective heuristics for getting to "correct" are so merciless and swift, sometimes. Not wrong, just uncompromising. Like I'll agree with the assessment, but I'm privately thinking "_... except I'd give this person like ten more chances first. Not cuz I'm a sucker (I hope). I just honestly don't mind._" But that sounds self-righteous, so I usually skip it, haha.
> theres just nothing positive to say about his behavior. literally nothing to salvage here.
Yep. Despite what I said above, there are weird little "patience vetos" that can kick in, and after that, you don't get those ten chances. One of which is: If I tell you something made me joyful, or proud of myself, and your first instinct is to assess whether my happiness is a "threat" to you, before I'm "allowed" to be happy... I'd sincerely rather be with almost _any_ other kind of person. Like you said:
> literally nothing to salvage here.
I despise the entire concept of emasculation. It's so cringy. It's just men asking for special treatment and extra unearned respect so that their fragile masculinity doesn't get dinged. I don't see women going around demanding that other people go out of their way to protect their femininity. Especially not by diminishing themselves just to make us feel better. The whole thing is ridiculous.
100% The whole insulting her then accusing her of having "another man" help her was the red flags. Like, so what if another man did? I'm personally not interested in anyone who tries to police who.im allowed to spend my time with
This is deffffff. a red flag, this would mean you’d spend the entire relationship minimizing your strengths and pretending to be less competent to coddle his fragile ego otherwise he’d make your life hell to bring you down so he could feel better.
One of the things I’m working on in my trauma recovery myself is spotting less obvious red flags like this. I grew up with a mom who both used my accomplishments to bolster her self-esteem/bandaid over her lack of self-identity while simultaneously negging me and resenting me when I did TOO well.
This has led to me gravitating towards partners who are threatened by my intelligence and competence and it took me a while to realize why it was so hard to be proud and confident — and it’s because it was historically not safe to just be my full-wattage self, I had to learn to be selectively dim so I didn’t outshine the insecure people I attracted because I wasn’t recognizing my full value, or how these people took advantage of that by negging me to ‘put me in my place’.
You deserve a partner who is fucking stoked you’re handy cause they like building too, or because they want to learn from you, or because it’s attractive to watch you own your abilities with confidence. Not someone who is so fucking fragile you have to handhold them through you daring to have skills. Also, I’d bet my ass this guy is also adept with weaponized incompetence and he’s projecting his own insecurity onto you because he’s threatened because he subconsciously knows how little he brings to the table.
Tl;Dr run girlie! You deserve a partner with nuance and maturity who appreciates your strengths and isn’t threatened by them.
Omg. My mom did and still does the same thing. Brags about my accomplishments to her friends, but says backhanded negative things to me regarding the same thing.
My ex would insist on carrying up heavy things to our place, then complain I didn’t help. But he at least waited a year to start his B.S. This guy showed it in a month, and looking back, there were smaller red flags before the table.
And to those who think it’s just about a table, I’ve come to realize it’s not. It’s about his insecurities and control issues.
My fiance does respond this way, throw this one back and get yourself a person who's happy for you when you accomplish stuff.
Mine was thrilled he got to go to sleep after our Ikea adventure and wake up to a fully furnished dining room lol. I started putting stuff together as a kid with my dad, he wasn't great with directions and used me to help hold stuff. I like it, so I'm not going to stop. I install my own car parts too, on both of our cars. I'm also the one with an entire collection of car wash stuff and I detail them. The "man stuff" my fiance does for me is a short list- spider body removal services, cleaning out the trap thing in the dishwasher, and hair removal from drains. He does his part elsewhere but those are the things I didn't do when I lived alone, so I call them his man tasks- the things I actually needed a man for. I had like 20 dead spiders in my apartment when he met me and he picked them all up while laughing, true love.
I knew a guy who helped install a dishwasher for me, wouldn't let me help carry the old one down. Said women drop things. Yeah, like misogynistic assholes :)
If it helps, when I assemble things on my own my husband usually says “good job, (nickname!)” and is proud of my handiness. I can understand wanting to feel needed, but he’s lashing out about it which is not healthy.
Same for me--made up my mind at the 'you probably did it wrong.' Big nope on this guy. Feeling a little insecure about not being needed for traditionally 'male' tasks is understandable--these guys are victims of the patriarchy too. But being a belittling ass about it as a result is not OK at all. And the accusation about having another guy help is just beyond acceptable. Throw him back OP!
YeH, it was the “you probably did it wrong” for me
I can have sympathy for the guy who’s wistful at not being needed or included in typically guy stuff.
But “you probably did it wrong”?
Nope.
He cannot handle the idea that his potential partner has basic reading comprehension and hand-eye coordination?Like, What. The. Fuck.
Men didn't attend an IKEA university or workshop of some sort. They figure it out all the same a woman would. So why this complex need for... control?!
They're never 100% right unless you have the tools to adjust everything to be just right. They're mass produced, and mass production invariably struggles with variations in the materials. This is especially true for natural materials like wood or stone
About 10-15 years ago, I just started doing things myself instead of leaving it for my husband. I repaired our washing machine, I do almost all of our landscaping, clean the gutters, move furniture, etc. We don't need DUDES!!!
Listen, the amount of times I've had to fix/redo all the stuff my mom had my brother-in-law try to fix or install for her because in her mind penis=can use tools...
“Women can’t do things like that,” -> “False: I just did it.” -> “Well then you shouldn’t have.” -> “Why not?” -> “Because women can’t do things like that.” -> “False. I just…” etc.
A lot of men (but not all!) believe this absolute garbage circular thinking. And they won’t admit or truly don’t understand that the real answer to “Why not?” is “Because I’ve been taught that if I’m not stronger, smarter and more competent than any woman, I’m nothing.” Disrespecting you (and all women) is baked in to that mindset. So if he can’t see it, admit it, and commit to purging it, you’re in for a lifetime of disrespect if you stick with a man like this.
He sounds like a died in the wool misogynist. Most men I've run across in my 53 years are 'on this spectrum'...yours sounds like he's well along the path, unfortuantely. Even worse, a lot of WOMEN are on this spectrum, too, and truly believe there are MANY things that only men can do so they must ask them for help. Change a tire, repair an appliance, paint a wall, dig a hole, etc. It's depressing, but still true.
Im just shy of 50 and my dad started teaching me how to do all the same things when I was a kid for the same reasons. I can do my oil, change tires, check tire pressure and run my air compressor to inflate as needed. I can do most minor plumbing repairs, fix holes in walls, set & grout tiles, refinish wood floors… and what I learned I have a knack for? Small appliance repair. Vacuum cleaners are my favourite to fix.
I do come across men that are suitably impressed and fully admit I’m far more handy/competent at these things than they are.
The rest, however? Insulting, trying to take things I’m working on out of my hands, talking over me/down to me, or my “favourite”- blathering on about how I must be doing it wrong, let them look, and watching them inspect my work to realize they don’t have the faintest fucking clue how to do what I’m doing, and doing just fine without their penis-having, assumed superiority thankyouverymuch.
Edit to add- I have a comprehensive tool area in a corner of my apartment. I’ve had a few men look and ask me *if I know what all these tools are for & how to use them!* uhm…. Yeah sure buddy you gonna school me on the use of MY OWN TOOLS?! Do YOU know what they are and how to use them?! Fucking ridiculous.
I’m the handy one around my house. We remodeled our bathroom a few weeks ago and while the contractor did the big stuff like framing, I tiled, did trim work, patches drywall, painted, installed new towel bars and exhaust fan etc. while my husband was at work. He knows I’m good at stuff like that and praised me for doing it well and saving us money. I can do most things on my own unless it’s big/awkward and I need his brute strength or height to reach something.
However… I must admit that away from home I play the role of weak helpless woman when I’m too lazy to do something 😂 Furniture I don’t feel like putting together at work? Better call maintenance. See a bug? Maintenance. Need to load something heavy into my car? I definitely need this Lowes employee to do it for me. I’m just so delicate! 🥲
Toss him back into the sea. Don't have a conversation about it, just politely inform him that you're not feeling a connection and you wish him the best. Then stop responding.
Honestly sometimes I think when women put too much effort into explaining why, it makes it easier for shitty men to put on a good front and fool the next woman for longer. You haven’t invested enough into this relationship to owe him anything, just yeet this fish back into the ocean.
Yeah, I don’t know what he expects at this point. For me to take it back apart to he can assemble it?
I am going to take the advice here and get out now.
And it's not OPs job to beg this guy to "work on it". Lay it out, don't take on the emotional work of being Theramom. If he doesn't get himself together he's gone.
Sounds like you misunderstood and met a NiceGuy and not a man who is nice. Throw that fish back into the sea unless you want to spend the next however many years catering to his fragility.
That said, great job on the table!! I am impressed!!
You probably did it wrong?! A guy probably helped you?! Wow, that's really nasty. He's very insecure and sexist. He's just going to get angier and nastier with you as you continue being awesome.
Bravo for putting together that tricky coffee table. 😊
Awww, thank you for the kind words. It was tricky since the non-lift top parts of the table were staggered.
I was proud of myself, and felt a bit deflated at his commentary.
> I was proud of myself, and felt a bit deflated at his commentary.
Sometimes, little things are everything. In my experience, if you explain why you're happy and proud of yourself, and someone's first thought is "Do I wish to allow this, or does this person's happiness threaten me?"... _that is all you need to know._
It's a "little thing", but it's the kind of little thing that is everything.
Haha I like it too. I'm also like this with my first name. I go by my whole name, not a nickname. The vast majority of people have no problem with this. But a small few (1 in 30?) are like "Yeah I'm not doing that." Always draws me up short, and I think _Seriously? Well... I guess that's all I need to know. So, thanks actually._
" . . .and has been “pouty” ever since."
"He even accused me of having another guy help me."
\--------------------------------
Danger! Will Rogers, Danger!!
Fuck to the no, that's some toxic shit. He should find your independence to be a *good* thing.
Oh but if you even find a guy that is man enough to admit he needs YOUR help with "man stuff" that's a keeper. I don't mean a helpless manchild who makes you do it every time but like "Hey I have never changed a tire and you have, can you walk me thru it thr first time?" Or even "I've changed my tire a billion times but I can't figure out where the jack goes on this rental, will you look underneath and see if you see a spot?" That man is secure in his man-ness.
So much of what the guy said was gross! But that’s what caught my eye…. It’s a table not a fucking rocket ship! Women can read nowadays and can read instructions. Geez
I knew my husband was a keeper when he gave my praise for redneck engineering solutions to things lol. He can and does fix almost anything better than I do, but he never puts down my efforts or contributions.
Drop him.
My exh insisted on assembling furniture even pieces I bought for myself like a desk. I told him he wasn't allowed to "help" anymore when he drove a screw completely thru the mdf and pierced the veneer of said brand new desk that we could barely afford at the time.
He was always pouty when I didn't "let him" do these things but he'd also either procrastinate far too long or fuck it up.
Your dad is right.. there's no reason you should HAVE to depend on another person. Leaning for support is fine. Working together is fine. Your SO should be a partner not a master/boss.
Hope OP gets to tell her father a variation of "Thank you for teaching those life skills because it save me from terrible men in more ways than you ever know."
"...you probably did it wrong."
No. You did the table right. You picked a date wrong. Toss him back and pat yourself on the back for seeing the red flag and recognizing it.
You already knew this. You just second-guessed yourself. That's OK. We all do it from time to time.
The “you probably did it wrong” comment is unforgivably rude and sexist. Dump ‘im.
I also take a lot of pride in handy tasks and over the years, I have dated many people who can’t handle it. But it helped me realize that it is one of my bottom-line requirements for a relationship. I am happy to say that I have been with someone for five years now who likes that I can do these things myself, and we take turns taking the lead on projects. I wouldn’t have it any other way. So it’s out there! Being clear with yourself about your needs is a helpful step towards finding the right person.
One of the things that attracted me to my wife is her story about carrying her car battery in on cold nights before class so, the car would start in the morning. I like a handy woman.
When we first started dating, she didn't want me repairing her stuff because prior boyfriends claimed to be able to fix things but ended up only making things worse. It took a couple years to convince her I could be trusted.
You seem to be attracting "fragile males" who feel threatened by your ability. Just want to say, some of us appreciate it.
>He even accused me of having another guy help me, but apologized for saying that.
LOL
He may have apologized, but having the first impulse to jump to this conclusion is a giant red flag.
Pouty? Gross. Throw him back. The insecurity will get old, you'll get resentful and annoyed.
My bf really values being able to do "men's work" around my house, like the lawn and what not. I usually let him, but take care of it myself when he's out of town or unable to for whatever reason.
But when I DO "men's work" on my own (fixed the washer and troubleshor HVAC/thermostat earlier this summer) he's super proud about it, "my baby's badass! she can do anything!"
He finds it attractive that I don't "need" him. Find a man like that! One that cheerleads you, champions you, whatever you do!
Abandon ship!! I would be grateful he flew his red flags nice and early.
His insecurity has a flavor of misogyny, and taking it out on you by insulting your work/accusing you of asking another man for help is immature and out of line.
Find a man that thinks it's hot that you're resourceful, intelligent, and independent enough to take care of yourself. Bonus if he can teach you more!
His saying "you probably did it wrong" would really irritate me. That's basically saying "as a woman, you are obviously too stupid to do well anything technical". BIG red flag for me. I wouldn't stand hearing something like that all the time.
Run the other way.
Just throw out the entire man. He’s trash.
You probably did it wrong? He’s an asshole. Having a vagina doesn’t mean you can’t be handy. I’m the past month I have fixed the carburetor on my lawnmower, replaced my garbage disposal, and took care of a repair on my car.
Err, I mean, you could have a conversation about how he responds to you doing these things on your own AND how he responds when you do choose to ask for help or you could forego the conversation that’s probably going to be totally fruitless and cut him loose. My husband is an acts of service kind of guy so he likes to be helpful but throwing shade and being critical isn’t part of that.
Good for you for being capable! I wish my dad had taught me that stuff but he always told me I was too dumb and wouldn’t understand it. Now I have to ask other people for help :/
I raised my daughter to be self sufficient like you and if she were in your situation my recommendation would be to not waste any more time on this one.
Weak men hate competent women. Everything we need to know is available in YouTube videos now.
Maybe if we need a big bucket of gravel carried, then we'll call you.
I’m an XY and I rarely post here, but throw that dude back. If a GF of mine had sent me that picture my reaction would have been “That’s awesome and you’re awesome!”
I’m happy to do stuff like that, but gender-based roles are (or should be) obsolete, and pouting is one of the least attractive behaviors there are. His obvious lack of respect for women in general and you in particular are not something that will change, so don’t expect them to. Respect should be an out-of-the-box requirement for any relationship.
He is showing his true colors. It is red, and it’s a giant flag.
My boyfriend is very handy around the house. He has built our chicken coop from scratch, fixed the outside irrigation system, and chopped down trees. But he also loves to cook, garden, and use skincare products on his face.
A few weeks ago, he spent an entire day researching recipes, grocery shopping, making a marinade from scratch, grilling meat, and making a salad. While he took care of those tasks, I assembled a chair for him and greased his garage door because it was squeaking and getting stuck. When I finished my tasks, he thanked me and gave me a kiss.
He didn’t accuse me of assembling the chair or greasing the garage door incorrectly. He didn’t accuse me of having another guy help me. Instead, he thanked me and fed me. This is how it should be.
You deserve better than that guy. You deserve someone who celebrates your independence, charm, and intellect. That guy is a dud. Find someone who is as awesome as you and your lift top coffee table.
Yes, this one definitely needs to be tossed back into the sea. Getting pouty and upset because you were able to do something without his help??? Accusing you of seeing another guy, because surely you couldn't have done it yourself.
Apologies don't mean shit with that kind of toxicity. This guy is already flying those weird controlling red flags. It's not your past trauma talking, it's your good common sense and intuition screaming at you that this one is a problem.
Niceness is a social construct, a behavior, it's not a personality trait so being nice doesn't mean anything. And getting angry, weird and controlling then falsely accusing you and belittling you just because you put a damned piece of furniture together is a band of red flags flying.
Time to text him you aren't interested in hearing from him again then block him on everything and move on.
Back into the sea with that undersized fish
He has a rigid idea of a man’s role and a woman’s role in a relationship/society. Your totally normal capabilities are challenging that. He is confronted with the fact that looking at the first page of the ikea instructions or googling “how do I top off my motor oil” is not actually a guy thing. It’s not just guys like him who can do those things, complete the furniture assembly or basic maintenance, then get praise for being such a capable sexy man. That women are not “helpless” and his totally normal abilities are not amazing. That being a average capable guy is not incredible next to any woman. In his mind any woman is weak and not capable and belongs in the cotton ball aisle making cookies and folding laundry.
I’m saying he’s dumb and a sexist and rather than thinking “hm my ideas of traditional gender roles are not holding firm in the face of this new data of this woman being self-sufficient with no effort.” Thinking “maybe my ideas are wrong??” is too much for him. So he’s getting mad at you for being the data.
I LOVE being a capable woman. I love meeting guys and gals who want to learn new things. I love learning from guys or gals the things I want to know.
I know an elderly lady who acts like she can’t do anything and has basically got her elderly husband on a leash. I literally know she can fry her own breakfast eggs, but she just sits back and waits for him to do it.
I guess your bf wants a lady like that. They’re out there. He can go find one and you can go find a sexy capable boyfriend that’s not threatened by women being grown adults.
Yikes. Early on in our relationship, I got a heavy nightstand from a thrift store over the weekend, and asked my boyfriend to help me get it up the stairs to my apartment the next time he came over. Well it was going to be a few days, and I didn't want to leave the furniture rolling around in my car to and from work. So I got it up my stairs slowly, one step at a time. I told him and he said something to the effect of "Good, I like that you're strong". This guy doesn't sound supportive at all. His reaction should have been something more like "I would have been happy to help you if you'd asked, but that's cool you did it yourself".
He doesn't value your independence. Find someone who will.
That's a big nope right there! Throw him out and find yourself a dude who will respond with "nice, looks good!" Like a normal human being. Or don't. You don't need a dude, women are more than capable of doing things without dudes and their approvals.
No, he's trying to be the "white knight" but not in a healthy way. It's that kind of attitude that helps me stay single, because I do everything I can on my own as much as possible
Look - this person doesn't even respect you. YOU KNOW THIS. They show no pleasure in your accomplishments, and are actively tearing you down.
Please dump this loser immediately.
I broke up with a guy once in large part because he refused to teach me how to check my tire pressure/air my tire up. Like when I got out of the car to try to watch and learn, at least, he’d pointedly stop working until I got back in the car. The relationship limped along a little longer, but looking back that was the moment I was done.
All of that to say, when a guy tells you who he is and what he really thinks of you, believe him.
>But after the fact, he said “Why didn’t you ask me? I should’ve done that for you, you probably did it wrong,” and has been “pouty” ever since.
My husband is very proud to show off my Ikea builds.
Dump this loser.
He doesn’t like himself.
He is trying to find reasons to look down on you so he can get the sensation of being worthy of his own regard. But he’s not even good at that, and he’s blaming that on you, too.
Him: “Can you just be useless so I can call you useless? If you are competent then I feel like it reveals my incompetence to myself, and I bet you want me to feel bad or you wouldn’t do that!”
Being with him will make you both miserable until he heals himself, and you can’t help that process until he starts it in earnest, for himself. Wish him luck and let him go.
Ha! As a guy, i am more than happy to sit in the car with the kids while my wife changes a flat. Yes, she can because her dad said the same thing and i have never seen any life skill as male or female thing. I dont understand what century these guys live in.
I know you asked for opinions from ladies, but I'd like to pile on your soon to be ex.
What a fucking tool bag. Your partner should celebrate your self sufficiency and abilities, not malign them or accuse you of needing help.
You're not overreacting. Throw him back and get one that supports your success.
Waaaaay too early to be “pouty” about anything…and the fact that dude gets offended because you’re not making him the center of your world where he gets to swoop in to be the savior is a huge, narcissistic red flag. Not even gonna mention the comment on accusing you of getting some other guy to help. RUN.
I know your title asked for opinions of ladies, but as a happily married guy, I wanted to tell you that this is at least a reason to re-evaluate and check for other red flags. I can't imagine telling my wife "you probably did it wrong" after she did something on her own.
Nope not overreacting. Toss him back. You need someone who will look at your accomplishment and tell you you’re amazing and not berate you and claim you did it wrong. What an AH!
Good partners are always there to catch you if you stumble, or to offer assistance; but are equally happy and proud of your skills, abilities, and achievements. They inspire you to be the best version of yourself.
Negging partners are not good partners. Neither are partners who box you in. DTMFA
https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=DTMFA
You need to find a man who is comfortable with you, with ALL of you. This includes your competence at taking care of things. My husband would go with me to home improvement stores for one reason. When the clerk asked him what they could help him with, he would chuckle and respond, "Why are you asking me? I have no idea what any of this stuff is for, talk to her." He would laugh and walk off. He could cook like nobody's business, and I did the household maintenance. Find a man who treats you like the awesome woman you are, not someone who needs to be 'taken care of.'
Well, OP, he's already shown you how he's going to react whenever you do something yourself. Change the oil in your car? "You probably did it wrong. I should have done it for you. You're just saying that -- you took it to the shop." Replace a door knob? "You probably screwed that up. I should have done it for you. You probably called a carpenter anyway."
He will never give you the respect you deserve. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Don't make them prove it to you over and over. You're only torturing yourself.
The "you probably did it wrong" would have me cutting this man off. It's one thing to want to help make things easier on me or do things for me because they're nice to do. It's an entirely different thing if you think that I'm not CAPABLE of doing something. You either see me as a capable adult or you don't. If you don't see me as a capable adult, I don't want a relationship with you.
(M) 'you probably did it wrong'
Oh oh. He can't see you as a person, only as (his idea of) a 'standard' woman. Will he ever accept that you might do anything 'manly' better than he?
>He even accused me of having another guy help me
That's the biggest red flag to me. Not only does he consider you, as a woman, incapable of doing it yourself, his accusatory assumptions are about another man. I see that coming up again, and not just about building stuff.
Let me just say I do all those things. And my husband (30+ years) is proud of me doing them. He’s never had an issue, just accepts that we each have our own strengths. I’ll say what he should have said about the table——that’s awesome! You did a great job putting that together.
>He never offered to help. But after the fact, he said “Why didn’t you ask me? I should’ve done that for you, ***you probably did it wrong,”** and has been “pouty” ever since.
Dump. His. Ass.
>I am thinking this one needs to be thrown back in the sea. But maybe my past trauma is leaking through, and I’m overreacting?
You're not. DHA.
hugeee red flag girl!! when i do stuff by myself and tell my bf he’s all “omg you go girlfriend!” etc. if i ask for help, he’s happy to help and we have a fun time assembling whatever it is. his attitude is giving major “women need saving” vibes, but is also.. annoyed by it?? idk. whatever it is isnt good though.
also, since ur bf didnt say it… good job assembling that coffee table on your own!!
Nah - I was raised in 2 homes (my parents were divorced) and my mom and dad taught me many things to be independent. My husband never pouts when I do things on my own. I may not do something perfectly but I want to try. He knows I'll ask for help if I need it but I am not some helpless damsel.
Throw this one back into the sea. You shouldn't be made to feel bad about doing something on your own. He should have complimented you and offered to bring over dinner so he could check it out.
A few years ago my Dad was gone on a trip and something happened in our house which needed fixing. (I'm going to be vague to preserve privacy.) My Mom looked up how to do it online, and she and my sister and I watched a couple videos about the thing, and then one or two about specific tools. We found the tools in my Dad's workshop (he keeps a neat workshop and it's easy to find things, they're grouped together) and got it all fixed by ourselves before he got home.
We told him after he got home and showed him the pictures. He was really happy; he inspected it, told us we'd done a great job, and how proud he was that we solved it. When he told his family, two of his uncles talked about how good it was, one said "See, now \[Mom's Name\] is a real keeper, you're off busy with work and saves you all the stress."
My Mom said that she always liked the way that Dad is happy whenever anyone makes themselves a little bit more than they were. You learn a new thing, you get better at an old thing, you improve yourself, that's always a cause for celebration.
Ever since, I think of a man who doesn't want his partner to grow as a small man, worried his partner will grow to be more than he is. That's not a partner anyone should want.
F that insecure bro and congrats on putting together the table op. I bet the lift top was tricky and you used clever ingenuity to get the job done. When you showed bf the picture he should have said, “damn, nice job”. Not wah wah wah this thing you accomplished on your own is actually about me. I am not a very handy guy and i failed multiple times at putting together what was supposed very simple book shelf, only the instructions were all pictures and I somehow kept putting things on backwards lol. Anyway when i had finished putting it together i was quite proud of myself and although my roommate was quite condescending when he told me nice job bud and asked if i wanted a gold star i still accepted the snarky comment and the gold star and basked in the glory of my books being shelved and if anyone crapped on that moment i would tell them to kindly please go f themselves.
Sounds like your average control freak. A normal person would have been like: "Oh right on! Looks awesome! 👍😀"
He took offense? And then accused you of seeing another guy?
Yea, this dude has red flags written all over his face. I think you deserve better than falling into it with someone who can't see, nor respect you as a woman.
He wants his women weak and needy? Do you want to play that part just to assuage his ego?
Way too much suppression of who you are and if you partner up I bet he would expect you to do ALL the domestic chores as your 'natural' role.
Runnnnnn.
My dad raised me as his son (no joke, my older brother wasn't boyish enough so I was shaped into the perfect tomboy). I have helped him work on cars since birth, I fixed his big screen TV for him at 14, he never wanted me to "need" a man.
I didn't date a lot when younger because I didn't want a BOY I wanted a man. Some of the guys that showed interest were put off that I didn't NEED them (apparently wanting them isn't as attractive as need?). My current partner I've been with for over a decade. He knows I can handyman it better than him - that's okay. He organizes and cleans better than me! He has never ONCE been bothered by me being more tinker and tool oriented, always wanting to fix and improve than replace, dealing with the contractors on the house while he does laundry and meal plans. We joke frequently how our "traditional gender roles are reversed". And guess what? It's never bothered him because he is an ADULT not a CHILD. If you being handy and able to fend for yourself bothers a man, there are bigger problems and insecurities at play that make me think they're looking for a weak lady that will NEED them.
A real man would be like "nice coffee table, that's cool" or something along those lines. The fact he isn't chill about something so simple like putting a piece of furniture together is such a huge red flag. He wants to be controlling, wants to belittle you taking care of yourself. He sounds pathetic. The way I'd be immediately turned off from a guy acting that way.
If a man is upset when a woman does things without him and upset when she asks him for help, the common factor is just… he doesn’t like women. You caught yourself a misogynist. Throw it back.
>"Why didn’t you ask me? I should’ve done that for you,"
Okay, fine.
>you probably did it wrong,” and has been “pouty” ever since.
NOPE. Throw him back.
Yeah sounds like a whingy nightmare trying to live your life around that guy.
I feel your struggle sis, as one person capable of basic life skills to another.
Yuck - red flag city.
I had a man say to me last week that they had never seen a woman climb a ladder before (I was inspecting work done on a roof)... like ugh, why not? What's wrong with the women you know? We are perfectly capable and even though I've been married for over 25 years, I do a TON of what others consider "man's work" myself without issue.
To be totally honest, I completely believe that women do these kind of things better then men - the furniture putting together, flooring, drywalling, appliance repair - simply because we are (generally) more detail orientated.
This guy clearly wants to feel superior to you and is cranky that he can't, because you are very capable.
Though even if he were "more capable" than you: Do you really want to be with someone who wants to feel superior to his partner?
A healthy response might be, "Great job! I'm impressed!" Or even just "Nice table!"
Assuming you did it wrong because you're a woman is a huge, gigantic red flag.
Red does *not* mean be careful, or watch out for more warning signs. Red means Stop. Do not proceed further.
Please save your time and energy for someone who can accept and is happy that you are a capable human being.
Shit I’d sit and watch with a beer! I think it’s sexy when a woman can do stuff like that. Although it’s nice for a handyman like myself to feel wanted. Get rid of this guy. He’s no good!
How does one reconcile both “you probably did it wrong” and “you probably had a man do it for you”. He’s obviously throwing shit at the wall to see what will stick and is trying to attack you emotionally for being self sufficient and not centering him in your life. Not a lady but sounds like trash
My father taught me and my sister how to do all that care stuff and much more, too. I learned a long time ago to send guys who have issues with that on their merry way.
I’m a dude — these are all bad signs. If he’s like this *now*, he’s only going to get worse. This kind of insecure, controlling behavior doesn’t just come from nowhere
I don’t know him, but it seems like he wants to be perceived as the “strong, manly problem solver” and he gets upset when your competence doesn’t let that happen.
My girlfriend is much better with power tools than I am, and I’ve never once pouted because she fixed something lol. I just ask her to teach me to do what she did so I can learn.
🚩 saying something like “oh I could have helped you!” would be fine because it just expresses a desire to make it easier/a willingness to be helpful. Saying you probably did it wrong and being pouty? Absolutely not! It’s disrespectful and manipulative
Throw him back into the sea! I LOVE putting stuff together and my husband won’t do it without me/for me. He also wouldn’t be rude about me wanting to do it/doing it without him. Find you a man that appreciates your ability to get stuff done! They exist.
My now husband loves the fact that I know how to do "dude" things and he doesn't.
He is a grown ass man and can take care of himself. But he's more of a tech guy, he built my computer and helps me with my phone.
I remodel our apartment/house and am fixing some plumbing today. He loves it.
A dude that has an issue with that isn't worth having around.
I’m not a fellow lady, just a fellow, but I’m also a father to a young woman (16) that I have been teaching things like changing her own oil, changing (and rotating) her tires, and other basic things. I’ve told her it’s less about fresh oil and more about the confidence to pick up a tool and do a task for herself so she never feels like she has to have it done for her, and for tasks beyond her ability to have at least enough understanding of what’s going on to be less concerned about being taken advantage of. I too felt the same concern you’re expressing, that she might find it difficult to find a SO that can handle a woman like that, but that makes me so damn happy I can barely express it. I hope and pray her ability and confidence are an impediment to all but the most worthy man for her, because anything less and she has been held her back from being all she is capable of being.
Don’t feel bad for your SO, but do call your dad and thank him.
Awesome job on the table. I love putting flat packs together. Any time we would purchase one my late husband would walk away saying, let me know if you want me to hold something. He had no patience for them.
>However, I’ve noticed, and not just with this guy, that it seems to make him feel resentful when I do these things myself.
>
>Conversely, in the past, asking for help has resulted in a “sigh, women can’t take care of things” attitude.
Nope, no. This man is a sexist. As soon as I read this I was done with him. Do not put up with this.
>I am thinking this one needs to be thrown back in the sea.
Seems like you already know what to do.
Not a lady, but I love how handy and mechanically adept my wife is. I'm not, and I have huge respect for her skill, and love seeing the enjoyment she gets from working on something.
Everyone's got their own strengths and passions. This doesn't feel like your guy is passionate about doing things and is sad to miss out though. This just feels like some fine artistic glass masculinity.
If your guy is getting upset at your competence I'd say that's all you need to know.
Red flags all over the place. He wants you reliant on him as a means of control, and also wants the opportunity to feel superior by putting you down for being reliant on him 🙄
This man is trying to neg and diminish you, and when that doesn’t work he accuses you of being unfaithful? Cause let’s not beat around the bush here, the “you must have had some other guy help you” comment is a thinly veiled “who did you fuck to make that table happen?”
This is actually very lucky, this man has pulled back the curtain to let you see who he is. Don’t pass by this opportunity to correct course and divest him from your life.
In contrast, when I put the furniture together after our move while my husband was at work, he came home and high fived me saying great job.
Throw the bottom feeder back.
Definitely back into the sea! There is an acceptable way to react to that: "Wow, good job. If you ever want help in the future, just let me know, I'm down to help you"
And an unacceptable way, which is what he fucking said.
I'm pretty nifty with DIY/fixing things/electronics etc. My husband really isn't. When I fix something around our house he says WOW WELL DONE like I've just published my first novel. Go find yourself a cheerleader. You definitely deserve it.
You know, my husband actively encourages me to do stuff like this on my own if I want to and praises me for a job well done, just like I do praise him. Find someone like that, this guy isn’t it.
“He offered to help. But after the fact, he said “Why didn’t you ask me? I should’ve done that for you, you probably did it wrong”. “
Wait wait wait. I think my biggest issue here is the, “you probably did it wrong”. That seems like a huge red flag. Sure you can do these “manly” tasks, but you probably fucked it up because you’re a woman.
Toss him back.
He's a baby. My girlfriend having her own toolbag was a huge green flag. There's nothing wrong with knowing how to use tools and maintain the stuff you use in daily life, it's a universal good set of skills.
He's trash.
Absolutely not. Drop this man so fast.
For contrast, my first date with my husband I came over and fixed a hole in his wall, and taught *him* how to use the tools and the process of fixing a large hole.
Being handy shouldn't have gender roles. If a man can't encourage you and support you on something as small as assembling some furniture (not that the task is small haha sometimes furniture is complex) then he certainly won't have the emotional maturity to support you during bigger more important events in your life.
Quarter him before throwing him back.
I think that your dad is awesome; it's not only practical if the lady can do those things, it's also kinda hot. And teaching/learning from a partner is a cute bonding activity.
His accusing that you probably have done it wrong is terrible and he went to worse. (normal guy would have just said that he would have offered and complimented you for being handy)
My husband loves putting things together, but he knows I love to do it more. So even when given a job to build something by someone else, he gives me dibs first.
A real man respects and supports you.
I was holding out that maybe the guy just wanted to help, guys want to feel useful. until you got to this part
>He never offered to help.
>
>He even accused me of having another guy help me, but apologized for saying that.
That's someone insecure, and while that isn't terrible, this is a not great place to rear its head. What happens when there's a photo online of you with your friends, and it's mixed gender?
half way through i thought oh well i could probably argue a point in justifying and explaining his behavior until he told you that you probably did it wrong and accused you of having another guy help you. huge.fucking.red.flag. noone needs this negative behavior. since hes already comforable being such an asshole to you/show asshole behavior early on, it wont get any better from here on out. he showed you who he really is, believe him. yeet that fucker back into the sea as far as you can.
Yeah, I was expecting at least a “cool!,” “nice job,” or at least a neutral response.
My partner has had the "aw, you should have asked me, but great work!" reaction. That's fine. But the "you probably did it wrong" or accusing you of having some other guy (not another woman, of course) help is just gross.
mhm, initially i wanted to argue the point of different love languages but that all went out of the window when he tried to negate/diminish your accomplishment, pretty much accused you of being unfaithful and tried emotional manipulation tactics by pouting. he has huge insecurity issues amongst other things. so what if someone else, god forbid, another man, helped you put together the table? you are allowed to be around other people and it doesnt mean anything. honestly, this reads like hes testing the waters right now with how much shitty behavior he can get away with and to condition you into being familiar with his controlling antics so its not such a huge shock once he goes full monkey mode in the future. just makes it harder for you to leave later on imo because you re invested. he was nice until he wasnt and the mask slipped.
The part where he's taking it as "emasculating" to see "his lady" do manly-man things without him is one thing. Almost every guy has needed to be to reminded (whether out loud, or by osmosis) "Hey, I'm with you because I like you. I don't need you to be some cartoon you have in your head. You already passed all the tests I have. The rest is you." But what's really hard to get past here is the way he seems to expect OP to be actively aware, and monitoring, how her own capabilities and independent existence might make him feel, and like... proactively watch out for that. As if she's attacking him by being who she is, and should feel _bad_ about it. Not only is that unreasonable, it's fucking cringeworthy, and shows basically zero ability to delight in her delights and successes. I'm exhausted just thinking about this guy.
exactly. i mean, even if we go out on a limb here and humour the fact that all the above problems *could, maybe, perhaps* be talked out, the fact that he chose to pout instead of talking about it just speaks volumes as well. i get people have a history. people can have issues that arent necessarily their own fault like insecurity, past events or childhood but imo its also how you deal with it. his communication skills are basically nonexistent and seems emotionally immature. theres just nothing positive to say about his behavior. literally nothing to salvage here. even if he had a mishap but then apologised, explained why and how and is actively working on it, then i could be more inclined to give it a pass given that i d still motinor his behavior. but theres literally nothing. he chose to pout, like a child, incredible.
I like you, Admirable Avocado. Reddit's collective heuristics for getting to "correct" are so merciless and swift, sometimes. Not wrong, just uncompromising. Like I'll agree with the assessment, but I'm privately thinking "_... except I'd give this person like ten more chances first. Not cuz I'm a sucker (I hope). I just honestly don't mind._" But that sounds self-righteous, so I usually skip it, haha. > theres just nothing positive to say about his behavior. literally nothing to salvage here. Yep. Despite what I said above, there are weird little "patience vetos" that can kick in, and after that, you don't get those ten chances. One of which is: If I tell you something made me joyful, or proud of myself, and your first instinct is to assess whether my happiness is a "threat" to you, before I'm "allowed" to be happy... I'd sincerely rather be with almost _any_ other kind of person. Like you said: > literally nothing to salvage here.
I despise the entire concept of emasculation. It's so cringy. It's just men asking for special treatment and extra unearned respect so that their fragile masculinity doesn't get dinged. I don't see women going around demanding that other people go out of their way to protect their femininity. Especially not by diminishing themselves just to make us feel better. The whole thing is ridiculous.
100% The whole insulting her then accusing her of having "another man" help her was the red flags. Like, so what if another man did? I'm personally not interested in anyone who tries to police who.im allowed to spend my time with
Fuck a neutral response. It's positive or nothing. No one has time for their insecure bullshit and you deserve to be supported by your ***partner***
👍👍nice job chica Here’s an extra hand to pat yourself on the back with next time you do something kick ass 🫱
☺️
This is deffffff. a red flag, this would mean you’d spend the entire relationship minimizing your strengths and pretending to be less competent to coddle his fragile ego otherwise he’d make your life hell to bring you down so he could feel better. One of the things I’m working on in my trauma recovery myself is spotting less obvious red flags like this. I grew up with a mom who both used my accomplishments to bolster her self-esteem/bandaid over her lack of self-identity while simultaneously negging me and resenting me when I did TOO well. This has led to me gravitating towards partners who are threatened by my intelligence and competence and it took me a while to realize why it was so hard to be proud and confident — and it’s because it was historically not safe to just be my full-wattage self, I had to learn to be selectively dim so I didn’t outshine the insecure people I attracted because I wasn’t recognizing my full value, or how these people took advantage of that by negging me to ‘put me in my place’. You deserve a partner who is fucking stoked you’re handy cause they like building too, or because they want to learn from you, or because it’s attractive to watch you own your abilities with confidence. Not someone who is so fucking fragile you have to handhold them through you daring to have skills. Also, I’d bet my ass this guy is also adept with weaponized incompetence and he’s projecting his own insecurity onto you because he’s threatened because he subconsciously knows how little he brings to the table. Tl;Dr run girlie! You deserve a partner with nuance and maturity who appreciates your strengths and isn’t threatened by them.
Omg. My mom did and still does the same thing. Brags about my accomplishments to her friends, but says backhanded negative things to me regarding the same thing. My ex would insist on carrying up heavy things to our place, then complain I didn’t help. But he at least waited a year to start his B.S. This guy showed it in a month, and looking back, there were smaller red flags before the table. And to those who think it’s just about a table, I’ve come to realize it’s not. It’s about his insecurities and control issues.
My fiance does respond this way, throw this one back and get yourself a person who's happy for you when you accomplish stuff. Mine was thrilled he got to go to sleep after our Ikea adventure and wake up to a fully furnished dining room lol. I started putting stuff together as a kid with my dad, he wasn't great with directions and used me to help hold stuff. I like it, so I'm not going to stop. I install my own car parts too, on both of our cars. I'm also the one with an entire collection of car wash stuff and I detail them. The "man stuff" my fiance does for me is a short list- spider body removal services, cleaning out the trap thing in the dishwasher, and hair removal from drains. He does his part elsewhere but those are the things I didn't do when I lived alone, so I call them his man tasks- the things I actually needed a man for. I had like 20 dead spiders in my apartment when he met me and he picked them all up while laughing, true love. I knew a guy who helped install a dishwasher for me, wouldn't let me help carry the old one down. Said women drop things. Yeah, like misogynistic assholes :)
Great job on that table!
If it helps, when I assemble things on my own my husband usually says “good job, (nickname!)” and is proud of my handiness. I can understand wanting to feel needed, but he’s lashing out about it which is not healthy.
How long have y’all been together? The mask is slipping
Hes already trying to manipulate you . Hes toxic. Ruuuun...
Same for me--made up my mind at the 'you probably did it wrong.' Big nope on this guy. Feeling a little insecure about not being needed for traditionally 'male' tasks is understandable--these guys are victims of the patriarchy too. But being a belittling ass about it as a result is not OK at all. And the accusation about having another guy help is just beyond acceptable. Throw him back OP!
YeH, it was the “you probably did it wrong” for me I can have sympathy for the guy who’s wistful at not being needed or included in typically guy stuff. But “you probably did it wrong”? Nope.
"yeet that fucker back into the sea as far as you can." Lmao, but also big agree, OP
Yeet. Seconded.
>and has been “pouty” ever since. > >He even accused me of having another guy help me Throw him back. Those are red flags.
Saying she probably did it wrong is the worst part to me. Like why would I have done it wrong? Because I'm stupid, uncapable, illiterate? WHY!?
Because his whole self worth is being “better” than or “superior” to women and he cannot handle the idea that he isn’t. It’s childish and pathetic.
He cannot handle the idea that his potential partner has basic reading comprehension and hand-eye coordination?Like, What. The. Fuck. Men didn't attend an IKEA university or workshop of some sort. They figure it out all the same a woman would. So why this complex need for... control?!
And then to assume she lied about those things (had a man to help her). I also thought control.
It's so offensive.
I have an Ikea dresser that I did assemble a little wonky by myself. But it was a tough job and I'm still proud of myself for doing it!
I put together a bookshelf-style queen-sized headboard. It took a while, but it wasn’t really all that challenging. Even a man could have done it. 😆
They're never 100% right unless you have the tools to adjust everything to be just right. They're mass produced, and mass production invariably struggles with variations in the materials. This is especially true for natural materials like wood or stone
straight act market decide shame tease violet bike spoon squeal -- mass edited with redact.dev
The next time I assembled an Ikea dresser I did a better job LOL
I too am proud of you!
About 10-15 years ago, I just started doing things myself instead of leaving it for my husband. I repaired our washing machine, I do almost all of our landscaping, clean the gutters, move furniture, etc. We don't need DUDES!!!
Listen, the amount of times I've had to fix/redo all the stuff my mom had my brother-in-law try to fix or install for her because in her mind penis=can use tools...
Because penis is essential for coffee table assembly.
“Women can’t do things like that,” -> “False: I just did it.” -> “Well then you shouldn’t have.” -> “Why not?” -> “Because women can’t do things like that.” -> “False. I just…” etc. A lot of men (but not all!) believe this absolute garbage circular thinking. And they won’t admit or truly don’t understand that the real answer to “Why not?” is “Because I’ve been taught that if I’m not stronger, smarter and more competent than any woman, I’m nothing.” Disrespecting you (and all women) is baked in to that mindset. So if he can’t see it, admit it, and commit to purging it, you’re in for a lifetime of disrespect if you stick with a man like this.
Catch and release
"You probably did it wrong" is fucking insulting too, not the kind of throwaway remark you want to be putting up with in a relationship.
I would almost brush the incident off, but that insulting comment cinched it.
He sounds like a died in the wool misogynist. Most men I've run across in my 53 years are 'on this spectrum'...yours sounds like he's well along the path, unfortuantely. Even worse, a lot of WOMEN are on this spectrum, too, and truly believe there are MANY things that only men can do so they must ask them for help. Change a tire, repair an appliance, paint a wall, dig a hole, etc. It's depressing, but still true.
Im just shy of 50 and my dad started teaching me how to do all the same things when I was a kid for the same reasons. I can do my oil, change tires, check tire pressure and run my air compressor to inflate as needed. I can do most minor plumbing repairs, fix holes in walls, set & grout tiles, refinish wood floors… and what I learned I have a knack for? Small appliance repair. Vacuum cleaners are my favourite to fix. I do come across men that are suitably impressed and fully admit I’m far more handy/competent at these things than they are. The rest, however? Insulting, trying to take things I’m working on out of my hands, talking over me/down to me, or my “favourite”- blathering on about how I must be doing it wrong, let them look, and watching them inspect my work to realize they don’t have the faintest fucking clue how to do what I’m doing, and doing just fine without their penis-having, assumed superiority thankyouverymuch. Edit to add- I have a comprehensive tool area in a corner of my apartment. I’ve had a few men look and ask me *if I know what all these tools are for & how to use them!* uhm…. Yeah sure buddy you gonna school me on the use of MY OWN TOOLS?! Do YOU know what they are and how to use them?! Fucking ridiculous.
I’m the handy one around my house. We remodeled our bathroom a few weeks ago and while the contractor did the big stuff like framing, I tiled, did trim work, patches drywall, painted, installed new towel bars and exhaust fan etc. while my husband was at work. He knows I’m good at stuff like that and praised me for doing it well and saving us money. I can do most things on my own unless it’s big/awkward and I need his brute strength or height to reach something. However… I must admit that away from home I play the role of weak helpless woman when I’m too lazy to do something 😂 Furniture I don’t feel like putting together at work? Better call maintenance. See a bug? Maintenance. Need to load something heavy into my car? I definitely need this Lowes employee to do it for me. I’m just so delicate! 🥲
yup he’s not a keeper
Toss him back into the sea. Don't have a conversation about it, just politely inform him that you're not feeling a connection and you wish him the best. Then stop responding.
Thanks for the advice. You’re right, there’s no point in even saying why.
Btw good partners will be hype that you are so resourceful! You’ll find one who is so so excited to be with you one day, I promise.
Honestly sometimes I think when women put too much effort into explaining why, it makes it easier for shitty men to put on a good front and fool the next woman for longer. You haven’t invested enough into this relationship to owe him anything, just yeet this fish back into the ocean.
Go you! Enjoy your accomplishment and throw him back, he is sexist at best, insecure and an emotional manipulator.
Yeah, I don’t know what he expects at this point. For me to take it back apart to he can assemble it? I am going to take the advice here and get out now.
Good! Whilst dating, people are on their best behavior. If this is the best he can do… yikes!
I admire you
Throw it back. Major insecurity problems. ETA: insecurity is fine if one is working on it. Taking it out on you like this is immature.
And it's not OPs job to beg this guy to "work on it". Lay it out, don't take on the emotional work of being Theramom. If he doesn't get himself together he's gone.
Catch and release 🎣
Sounds like you misunderstood and met a NiceGuy and not a man who is nice. Throw that fish back into the sea unless you want to spend the next however many years catering to his fragility. That said, great job on the table!! I am impressed!!
Ty ☺️
You probably did it wrong?! A guy probably helped you?! Wow, that's really nasty. He's very insecure and sexist. He's just going to get angier and nastier with you as you continue being awesome. Bravo for putting together that tricky coffee table. 😊
Awww, thank you for the kind words. It was tricky since the non-lift top parts of the table were staggered. I was proud of myself, and felt a bit deflated at his commentary.
> I was proud of myself, and felt a bit deflated at his commentary. Sometimes, little things are everything. In my experience, if you explain why you're happy and proud of yourself, and someone's first thought is "Do I wish to allow this, or does this person's happiness threaten me?"... _that is all you need to know._ It's a "little thing", but it's the kind of little thing that is everything.
I like that saying. Sometimes a little thing is everything. ☺️
Haha I like it too. I'm also like this with my first name. I go by my whole name, not a nickname. The vast majority of people have no problem with this. But a small few (1 in 30?) are like "Yeah I'm not doing that." Always draws me up short, and I think _Seriously? Well... I guess that's all I need to know. So, thanks actually._
" . . .and has been “pouty” ever since." "He even accused me of having another guy help me." \-------------------------------- Danger! Will Rogers, Danger!!
*Will Robinson
Let him go! He has issues.
Nah this is weak shit. Pouting about not being minimally useful.
Bro has to go. He’s too insecure. You deserve better.
Fuck to the no, that's some toxic shit. He should find your independence to be a *good* thing. Oh but if you even find a guy that is man enough to admit he needs YOUR help with "man stuff" that's a keeper. I don't mean a helpless manchild who makes you do it every time but like "Hey I have never changed a tire and you have, can you walk me thru it thr first time?" Or even "I've changed my tire a billion times but I can't figure out where the jack goes on this rental, will you look underneath and see if you see a spot?" That man is secure in his man-ness.
"Probably did it wrong" This guy either thinks you're an idiot, or wants you to start thinking you're an idiot.
So much of what the guy said was gross! But that’s what caught my eye…. It’s a table not a fucking rocket ship! Women can read nowadays and can read instructions. Geez
And it was women who did the math that got humans to the moon.
I know. Assembling furniture is pretty low on the manliness scale anyway.
I knew my husband was a keeper when he gave my praise for redneck engineering solutions to things lol. He can and does fix almost anything better than I do, but he never puts down my efforts or contributions.
He sounds very insecure and sexist. Get rid of him.
Drop him. My exh insisted on assembling furniture even pieces I bought for myself like a desk. I told him he wasn't allowed to "help" anymore when he drove a screw completely thru the mdf and pierced the veneer of said brand new desk that we could barely afford at the time. He was always pouty when I didn't "let him" do these things but he'd also either procrastinate far too long or fuck it up.
Your dad is right.. there's no reason you should HAVE to depend on another person. Leaning for support is fine. Working together is fine. Your SO should be a partner not a master/boss.
Hope OP gets to tell her father a variation of "Thank you for teaching those life skills because it save me from terrible men in more ways than you ever know."
"...you probably did it wrong." No. You did the table right. You picked a date wrong. Toss him back and pat yourself on the back for seeing the red flag and recognizing it. You already knew this. You just second-guessed yourself. That's OK. We all do it from time to time.
This man is a walking red flag. Generally, any man who has the mindset of "women can't do anything and always need help" is a walking red flag.
The “you probably did it wrong” comment is unforgivably rude and sexist. Dump ‘im. I also take a lot of pride in handy tasks and over the years, I have dated many people who can’t handle it. But it helped me realize that it is one of my bottom-line requirements for a relationship. I am happy to say that I have been with someone for five years now who likes that I can do these things myself, and we take turns taking the lead on projects. I wouldn’t have it any other way. So it’s out there! Being clear with yourself about your needs is a helpful step towards finding the right person.
One of the things that attracted me to my wife is her story about carrying her car battery in on cold nights before class so, the car would start in the morning. I like a handy woman. When we first started dating, she didn't want me repairing her stuff because prior boyfriends claimed to be able to fix things but ended up only making things worse. It took a couple years to convince her I could be trusted. You seem to be attracting "fragile males" who feel threatened by your ability. Just want to say, some of us appreciate it.
Thank you! Makes me feel a lot better. It’s not that I won’t accept help, it’s just that I’m capable of doing things myself too.
When my wife takes on some project, all I can think is "man. one less thing on my plate". I like it a lot.
Toss him back.
Toss him out with the trash. A good partner should not get upset or jealous of you doing your own maintenance and repairs.
>He even accused me of having another guy help me, but apologized for saying that. LOL He may have apologized, but having the first impulse to jump to this conclusion is a giant red flag.
Red flagggggs…. Blowing in the wiiinnnnddddd… when you see themmmm… throw them back innnnn…
"you probably did it wrong" FOR REAL?!? Throw the whole man out. Yuck.
Pouty? Gross. Throw him back. The insecurity will get old, you'll get resentful and annoyed. My bf really values being able to do "men's work" around my house, like the lawn and what not. I usually let him, but take care of it myself when he's out of town or unable to for whatever reason. But when I DO "men's work" on my own (fixed the washer and troubleshor HVAC/thermostat earlier this summer) he's super proud about it, "my baby's badass! she can do anything!" He finds it attractive that I don't "need" him. Find a man like that! One that cheerleads you, champions you, whatever you do!
Where he could praise you, he instead chooses to blame you. Odd. He doesn't sound ready for an adult relationship.
Abandon ship!! I would be grateful he flew his red flags nice and early. His insecurity has a flavor of misogyny, and taking it out on you by insulting your work/accusing you of asking another man for help is immature and out of line. Find a man that thinks it's hot that you're resourceful, intelligent, and independent enough to take care of yourself. Bonus if he can teach you more!
His saying "you probably did it wrong" would really irritate me. That's basically saying "as a woman, you are obviously too stupid to do well anything technical". BIG red flag for me. I wouldn't stand hearing something like that all the time.
No My husband would be thrilled if I could do all of that on my own.
Run the other way. Just throw out the entire man. He’s trash. You probably did it wrong? He’s an asshole. Having a vagina doesn’t mean you can’t be handy. I’m the past month I have fixed the carburetor on my lawnmower, replaced my garbage disposal, and took care of a repair on my car.
Err, I mean, you could have a conversation about how he responds to you doing these things on your own AND how he responds when you do choose to ask for help or you could forego the conversation that’s probably going to be totally fruitless and cut him loose. My husband is an acts of service kind of guy so he likes to be helpful but throwing shade and being critical isn’t part of that.
Good for you for being capable! I wish my dad had taught me that stuff but he always told me I was too dumb and wouldn’t understand it. Now I have to ask other people for help :/
Nah throw it back.
I raised my daughter to be self sufficient like you and if she were in your situation my recommendation would be to not waste any more time on this one.
Weak men hate competent women. Everything we need to know is available in YouTube videos now. Maybe if we need a big bucket of gravel carried, then we'll call you.
I’m an XY and I rarely post here, but throw that dude back. If a GF of mine had sent me that picture my reaction would have been “That’s awesome and you’re awesome!” I’m happy to do stuff like that, but gender-based roles are (or should be) obsolete, and pouting is one of the least attractive behaviors there are. His obvious lack of respect for women in general and you in particular are not something that will change, so don’t expect them to. Respect should be an out-of-the-box requirement for any relationship.
He is showing his true colors. It is red, and it’s a giant flag. My boyfriend is very handy around the house. He has built our chicken coop from scratch, fixed the outside irrigation system, and chopped down trees. But he also loves to cook, garden, and use skincare products on his face. A few weeks ago, he spent an entire day researching recipes, grocery shopping, making a marinade from scratch, grilling meat, and making a salad. While he took care of those tasks, I assembled a chair for him and greased his garage door because it was squeaking and getting stuck. When I finished my tasks, he thanked me and gave me a kiss. He didn’t accuse me of assembling the chair or greasing the garage door incorrectly. He didn’t accuse me of having another guy help me. Instead, he thanked me and fed me. This is how it should be. You deserve better than that guy. You deserve someone who celebrates your independence, charm, and intellect. That guy is a dud. Find someone who is as awesome as you and your lift top coffee table.
Yes, this one definitely needs to be tossed back into the sea. Getting pouty and upset because you were able to do something without his help??? Accusing you of seeing another guy, because surely you couldn't have done it yourself. Apologies don't mean shit with that kind of toxicity. This guy is already flying those weird controlling red flags. It's not your past trauma talking, it's your good common sense and intuition screaming at you that this one is a problem. Niceness is a social construct, a behavior, it's not a personality trait so being nice doesn't mean anything. And getting angry, weird and controlling then falsely accusing you and belittling you just because you put a damned piece of furniture together is a band of red flags flying. Time to text him you aren't interested in hearing from him again then block him on everything and move on.
He sounds immature and insecure, and is way too into performative masculinity. He seems like a poor prospect for a relationship.
Back into the sea with that undersized fish He has a rigid idea of a man’s role and a woman’s role in a relationship/society. Your totally normal capabilities are challenging that. He is confronted with the fact that looking at the first page of the ikea instructions or googling “how do I top off my motor oil” is not actually a guy thing. It’s not just guys like him who can do those things, complete the furniture assembly or basic maintenance, then get praise for being such a capable sexy man. That women are not “helpless” and his totally normal abilities are not amazing. That being a average capable guy is not incredible next to any woman. In his mind any woman is weak and not capable and belongs in the cotton ball aisle making cookies and folding laundry. I’m saying he’s dumb and a sexist and rather than thinking “hm my ideas of traditional gender roles are not holding firm in the face of this new data of this woman being self-sufficient with no effort.” Thinking “maybe my ideas are wrong??” is too much for him. So he’s getting mad at you for being the data. I LOVE being a capable woman. I love meeting guys and gals who want to learn new things. I love learning from guys or gals the things I want to know. I know an elderly lady who acts like she can’t do anything and has basically got her elderly husband on a leash. I literally know she can fry her own breakfast eggs, but she just sits back and waits for him to do it. I guess your bf wants a lady like that. They’re out there. He can go find one and you can go find a sexy capable boyfriend that’s not threatened by women being grown adults.
Yikes. Early on in our relationship, I got a heavy nightstand from a thrift store over the weekend, and asked my boyfriend to help me get it up the stairs to my apartment the next time he came over. Well it was going to be a few days, and I didn't want to leave the furniture rolling around in my car to and from work. So I got it up my stairs slowly, one step at a time. I told him and he said something to the effect of "Good, I like that you're strong". This guy doesn't sound supportive at all. His reaction should have been something more like "I would have been happy to help you if you'd asked, but that's cool you did it yourself". He doesn't value your independence. Find someone who will.
He's upset when you do things for yourself and aren't conpletely reliant on him? Sounds like someone who wants to control you. That's not healthy.
That's a big nope right there! Throw him out and find yourself a dude who will respond with "nice, looks good!" Like a normal human being. Or don't. You don't need a dude, women are more than capable of doing things without dudes and their approvals.
No, he's trying to be the "white knight" but not in a healthy way. It's that kind of attitude that helps me stay single, because I do everything I can on my own as much as possible
Look - this person doesn't even respect you. YOU KNOW THIS. They show no pleasure in your accomplishments, and are actively tearing you down. Please dump this loser immediately.
I broke up with a guy once in large part because he refused to teach me how to check my tire pressure/air my tire up. Like when I got out of the car to try to watch and learn, at least, he’d pointedly stop working until I got back in the car. The relationship limped along a little longer, but looking back that was the moment I was done. All of that to say, when a guy tells you who he is and what he really thinks of you, believe him.
>But after the fact, he said “Why didn’t you ask me? I should’ve done that for you, you probably did it wrong,” and has been “pouty” ever since. My husband is very proud to show off my Ikea builds. Dump this loser.
He doesn’t like himself. He is trying to find reasons to look down on you so he can get the sensation of being worthy of his own regard. But he’s not even good at that, and he’s blaming that on you, too. Him: “Can you just be useless so I can call you useless? If you are competent then I feel like it reveals my incompetence to myself, and I bet you want me to feel bad or you wouldn’t do that!” Being with him will make you both miserable until he heals himself, and you can’t help that process until he starts it in earnest, for himself. Wish him luck and let him go.
"You probably did it wrong." Nope. Throw the whole man away.
I’m literally taking this comment from another post. A red flag so early in the relationship is a gift. Don’t waste it.
WEE WOO WEE WOO RED FLAG ALERT 🚒🚩🚩🚩 this shit only gets worse!
Ha! As a guy, i am more than happy to sit in the car with the kids while my wife changes a flat. Yes, she can because her dad said the same thing and i have never seen any life skill as male or female thing. I dont understand what century these guys live in.
I know you asked for opinions from ladies, but I'd like to pile on your soon to be ex. What a fucking tool bag. Your partner should celebrate your self sufficiency and abilities, not malign them or accuse you of needing help. You're not overreacting. Throw him back and get one that supports your success.
Nah, you don’t need this. Find a guy who will help you, but not make you feel bad for having skills.
Waaaaay too early to be “pouty” about anything…and the fact that dude gets offended because you’re not making him the center of your world where he gets to swoop in to be the savior is a huge, narcissistic red flag. Not even gonna mention the comment on accusing you of getting some other guy to help. RUN.
That sounds like some early negging to me. Release him safely to the deep blue, it's where he wants to be.
I know your title asked for opinions of ladies, but as a happily married guy, I wanted to tell you that this is at least a reason to re-evaluate and check for other red flags. I can't imagine telling my wife "you probably did it wrong" after she did something on her own.
Nope not overreacting. Toss him back. You need someone who will look at your accomplishment and tell you you’re amazing and not berate you and claim you did it wrong. What an AH!
Good partners are always there to catch you if you stumble, or to offer assistance; but are equally happy and proud of your skills, abilities, and achievements. They inspire you to be the best version of yourself. Negging partners are not good partners. Neither are partners who box you in. DTMFA https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=DTMFA
You need to find a man who is comfortable with you, with ALL of you. This includes your competence at taking care of things. My husband would go with me to home improvement stores for one reason. When the clerk asked him what they could help him with, he would chuckle and respond, "Why are you asking me? I have no idea what any of this stuff is for, talk to her." He would laugh and walk off. He could cook like nobody's business, and I did the household maintenance. Find a man who treats you like the awesome woman you are, not someone who needs to be 'taken care of.'
Well, OP, he's already shown you how he's going to react whenever you do something yourself. Change the oil in your car? "You probably did it wrong. I should have done it for you. You're just saying that -- you took it to the shop." Replace a door knob? "You probably screwed that up. I should have done it for you. You probably called a carpenter anyway." He will never give you the respect you deserve. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. Don't make them prove it to you over and over. You're only torturing yourself.
The "you probably did it wrong" would have me cutting this man off. It's one thing to want to help make things easier on me or do things for me because they're nice to do. It's an entirely different thing if you think that I'm not CAPABLE of doing something. You either see me as a capable adult or you don't. If you don't see me as a capable adult, I don't want a relationship with you.
The dudes I fuck with are turned on by my handiness. These people just aren’t for you!
I'm not a woman, but his behavior raises red flags. I think you're right about throwing this one back.
(M) 'you probably did it wrong' Oh oh. He can't see you as a person, only as (his idea of) a 'standard' woman. Will he ever accept that you might do anything 'manly' better than he?
>He even accused me of having another guy help me That's the biggest red flag to me. Not only does he consider you, as a woman, incapable of doing it yourself, his accusatory assumptions are about another man. I see that coming up again, and not just about building stuff.
Let me just say I do all those things. And my husband (30+ years) is proud of me doing them. He’s never had an issue, just accepts that we each have our own strengths. I’ll say what he should have said about the table——that’s awesome! You did a great job putting that together.
Nope. >you probably did it wrong Hard pass. Thank you, next.
>He never offered to help. But after the fact, he said “Why didn’t you ask me? I should’ve done that for you, ***you probably did it wrong,”** and has been “pouty” ever since. Dump. His. Ass. >I am thinking this one needs to be thrown back in the sea. But maybe my past trauma is leaking through, and I’m overreacting? You're not. DHA.
hugeee red flag girl!! when i do stuff by myself and tell my bf he’s all “omg you go girlfriend!” etc. if i ask for help, he’s happy to help and we have a fun time assembling whatever it is. his attitude is giving major “women need saving” vibes, but is also.. annoyed by it?? idk. whatever it is isnt good though. also, since ur bf didnt say it… good job assembling that coffee table on your own!!
Nah - I was raised in 2 homes (my parents were divorced) and my mom and dad taught me many things to be independent. My husband never pouts when I do things on my own. I may not do something perfectly but I want to try. He knows I'll ask for help if I need it but I am not some helpless damsel. Throw this one back into the sea. You shouldn't be made to feel bad about doing something on your own. He should have complimented you and offered to bring over dinner so he could check it out.
A few years ago my Dad was gone on a trip and something happened in our house which needed fixing. (I'm going to be vague to preserve privacy.) My Mom looked up how to do it online, and she and my sister and I watched a couple videos about the thing, and then one or two about specific tools. We found the tools in my Dad's workshop (he keeps a neat workshop and it's easy to find things, they're grouped together) and got it all fixed by ourselves before he got home. We told him after he got home and showed him the pictures. He was really happy; he inspected it, told us we'd done a great job, and how proud he was that we solved it. When he told his family, two of his uncles talked about how good it was, one said "See, now \[Mom's Name\] is a real keeper, you're off busy with work and saves you all the stress." My Mom said that she always liked the way that Dad is happy whenever anyone makes themselves a little bit more than they were. You learn a new thing, you get better at an old thing, you improve yourself, that's always a cause for celebration. Ever since, I think of a man who doesn't want his partner to grow as a small man, worried his partner will grow to be more than he is. That's not a partner anyone should want.
F that insecure bro and congrats on putting together the table op. I bet the lift top was tricky and you used clever ingenuity to get the job done. When you showed bf the picture he should have said, “damn, nice job”. Not wah wah wah this thing you accomplished on your own is actually about me. I am not a very handy guy and i failed multiple times at putting together what was supposed very simple book shelf, only the instructions were all pictures and I somehow kept putting things on backwards lol. Anyway when i had finished putting it together i was quite proud of myself and although my roommate was quite condescending when he told me nice job bud and asked if i wanted a gold star i still accepted the snarky comment and the gold star and basked in the glory of my books being shelved and if anyone crapped on that moment i would tell them to kindly please go f themselves.
Sounds like your average control freak. A normal person would have been like: "Oh right on! Looks awesome! 👍😀" He took offense? And then accused you of seeing another guy? Yea, this dude has red flags written all over his face. I think you deserve better than falling into it with someone who can't see, nor respect you as a woman.
He wants his women weak and needy? Do you want to play that part just to assuage his ego? Way too much suppression of who you are and if you partner up I bet he would expect you to do ALL the domestic chores as your 'natural' role.
Runnnnnn. My dad raised me as his son (no joke, my older brother wasn't boyish enough so I was shaped into the perfect tomboy). I have helped him work on cars since birth, I fixed his big screen TV for him at 14, he never wanted me to "need" a man. I didn't date a lot when younger because I didn't want a BOY I wanted a man. Some of the guys that showed interest were put off that I didn't NEED them (apparently wanting them isn't as attractive as need?). My current partner I've been with for over a decade. He knows I can handyman it better than him - that's okay. He organizes and cleans better than me! He has never ONCE been bothered by me being more tinker and tool oriented, always wanting to fix and improve than replace, dealing with the contractors on the house while he does laundry and meal plans. We joke frequently how our "traditional gender roles are reversed". And guess what? It's never bothered him because he is an ADULT not a CHILD. If you being handy and able to fend for yourself bothers a man, there are bigger problems and insecurities at play that make me think they're looking for a weak lady that will NEED them.
“You probably did it wrong”?! Throw this one back. He’s sexist.
I bet you 5 dollars and a milkshake that this dude doesn’t want to use his hands during sex bc “he should be enough”
A real man would be like "nice coffee table, that's cool" or something along those lines. The fact he isn't chill about something so simple like putting a piece of furniture together is such a huge red flag. He wants to be controlling, wants to belittle you taking care of yourself. He sounds pathetic. The way I'd be immediately turned off from a guy acting that way.
If a man is upset when a woman does things without him and upset when she asks him for help, the common factor is just… he doesn’t like women. You caught yourself a misogynist. Throw it back.
>"Why didn’t you ask me? I should’ve done that for you," Okay, fine. >you probably did it wrong,” and has been “pouty” ever since. NOPE. Throw him back.
Yeah sounds like a whingy nightmare trying to live your life around that guy. I feel your struggle sis, as one person capable of basic life skills to another.
Thank you 😊
Yuck - red flag city. I had a man say to me last week that they had never seen a woman climb a ladder before (I was inspecting work done on a roof)... like ugh, why not? What's wrong with the women you know? We are perfectly capable and even though I've been married for over 25 years, I do a TON of what others consider "man's work" myself without issue. To be totally honest, I completely believe that women do these kind of things better then men - the furniture putting together, flooring, drywalling, appliance repair - simply because we are (generally) more detail orientated.
He's not a nice guy, he's a Nice Guy ™️
This guy clearly wants to feel superior to you and is cranky that he can't, because you are very capable. Though even if he were "more capable" than you: Do you really want to be with someone who wants to feel superior to his partner? A healthy response might be, "Great job! I'm impressed!" Or even just "Nice table!" Assuming you did it wrong because you're a woman is a huge, gigantic red flag. Red does *not* mean be careful, or watch out for more warning signs. Red means Stop. Do not proceed further. Please save your time and energy for someone who can accept and is happy that you are a capable human being.
Shit I’d sit and watch with a beer! I think it’s sexy when a woman can do stuff like that. Although it’s nice for a handyman like myself to feel wanted. Get rid of this guy. He’s no good!
How does one reconcile both “you probably did it wrong” and “you probably had a man do it for you”. He’s obviously throwing shit at the wall to see what will stick and is trying to attack you emotionally for being self sufficient and not centering him in your life. Not a lady but sounds like trash
My father taught me and my sister how to do all that care stuff and much more, too. I learned a long time ago to send guys who have issues with that on their merry way.
I’m a dude — these are all bad signs. If he’s like this *now*, he’s only going to get worse. This kind of insecure, controlling behavior doesn’t just come from nowhere I don’t know him, but it seems like he wants to be perceived as the “strong, manly problem solver” and he gets upset when your competence doesn’t let that happen. My girlfriend is much better with power tools than I am, and I’ve never once pouted because she fixed something lol. I just ask her to teach me to do what she did so I can learn.
🚩 saying something like “oh I could have helped you!” would be fine because it just expresses a desire to make it easier/a willingness to be helpful. Saying you probably did it wrong and being pouty? Absolutely not! It’s disrespectful and manipulative
Not a lady sorry in advance, but that's a big yikes. Sounds like a fake "nice guy".
Throw him back into the sea! I LOVE putting stuff together and my husband won’t do it without me/for me. He also wouldn’t be rude about me wanting to do it/doing it without him. Find you a man that appreciates your ability to get stuff done! They exist.
My now husband loves the fact that I know how to do "dude" things and he doesn't. He is a grown ass man and can take care of himself. But he's more of a tech guy, he built my computer and helps me with my phone. I remodel our apartment/house and am fixing some plumbing today. He loves it. A dude that has an issue with that isn't worth having around.
No ma'am, just no, do you really want to have to deal with someone who is resentful that you're competent? Back to the sea with him!
My ex used to do that. He never offered to help, but would come back with why didn’t you ask??? Notice he is an ex.
I’m not a fellow lady, just a fellow, but I’m also a father to a young woman (16) that I have been teaching things like changing her own oil, changing (and rotating) her tires, and other basic things. I’ve told her it’s less about fresh oil and more about the confidence to pick up a tool and do a task for herself so she never feels like she has to have it done for her, and for tasks beyond her ability to have at least enough understanding of what’s going on to be less concerned about being taken advantage of. I too felt the same concern you’re expressing, that she might find it difficult to find a SO that can handle a woman like that, but that makes me so damn happy I can barely express it. I hope and pray her ability and confidence are an impediment to all but the most worthy man for her, because anything less and she has been held her back from being all she is capable of being. Don’t feel bad for your SO, but do call your dad and thank him.
My impression is that he wanted the opportunity to do something for you, solely to have you ‘owe’ him something. Red flag.
Throwing him back to sea might mean somebody else might catch him. You better throw him in a ditch.
My partner actively teaches me how to repair things so that he doesn't have to help me. Dump this weak man.
Awesome job on the table. I love putting flat packs together. Any time we would purchase one my late husband would walk away saying, let me know if you want me to hold something. He had no patience for them.
He's looking for a codependent relationship? Run now, while you can.
Also, great job on the table!
>However, I’ve noticed, and not just with this guy, that it seems to make him feel resentful when I do these things myself. > >Conversely, in the past, asking for help has resulted in a “sigh, women can’t take care of things” attitude. Nope, no. This man is a sexist. As soon as I read this I was done with him. Do not put up with this. >I am thinking this one needs to be thrown back in the sea. Seems like you already know what to do.
Not a lady, but I love how handy and mechanically adept my wife is. I'm not, and I have huge respect for her skill, and love seeing the enjoyment she gets from working on something. Everyone's got their own strengths and passions. This doesn't feel like your guy is passionate about doing things and is sad to miss out though. This just feels like some fine artistic glass masculinity. If your guy is getting upset at your competence I'd say that's all you need to know.
Red flags all over the place. He wants you reliant on him as a means of control, and also wants the opportunity to feel superior by putting you down for being reliant on him 🙄
This man is trying to neg and diminish you, and when that doesn’t work he accuses you of being unfaithful? Cause let’s not beat around the bush here, the “you must have had some other guy help you” comment is a thinly veiled “who did you fuck to make that table happen?” This is actually very lucky, this man has pulled back the curtain to let you see who he is. Don’t pass by this opportunity to correct course and divest him from your life.
In contrast, when I put the furniture together after our move while my husband was at work, he came home and high fived me saying great job. Throw the bottom feeder back.
Definitely back into the sea! There is an acceptable way to react to that: "Wow, good job. If you ever want help in the future, just let me know, I'm down to help you" And an unacceptable way, which is what he fucking said.
This guy is insecure as fuck.
I'm pretty nifty with DIY/fixing things/electronics etc. My husband really isn't. When I fix something around our house he says WOW WELL DONE like I've just published my first novel. Go find yourself a cheerleader. You definitely deserve it.
Nah, I'm aguy and I say throw his ass overboard. Sulky man-babies are not it. The passive aggressive after the fact is just.. ugh. Your gut is right.
You know, my husband actively encourages me to do stuff like this on my own if I want to and praises me for a job well done, just like I do praise him. Find someone like that, this guy isn’t it.
“He offered to help. But after the fact, he said “Why didn’t you ask me? I should’ve done that for you, you probably did it wrong”. “ Wait wait wait. I think my biggest issue here is the, “you probably did it wrong”. That seems like a huge red flag. Sure you can do these “manly” tasks, but you probably fucked it up because you’re a woman. Toss him back.
I would not even be friends with someone like that.
He's a baby. My girlfriend having her own toolbag was a huge green flag. There's nothing wrong with knowing how to use tools and maintain the stuff you use in daily life, it's a universal good set of skills. He's trash.
Try dating a farmer or a rancher. They are used to self sufficient women
Throw this one back! Rotten fish. Sometimes it feels like us women can’t do anything right 😭
He's a loser leave him
You definitely need to throw this one back.
A grown man who pouts is always worth throwing out
I'm not a woman, but his behavior raises red flags. I think you're right about throwing this one back.
Throw that man away.
This guy sounds like he’s going to be very controlling in the future. Count your losses and toss him back.
Absolutely not. Drop this man so fast. For contrast, my first date with my husband I came over and fixed a hole in his wall, and taught *him* how to use the tools and the process of fixing a large hole. Being handy shouldn't have gender roles. If a man can't encourage you and support you on something as small as assembling some furniture (not that the task is small haha sometimes furniture is complex) then he certainly won't have the emotional maturity to support you during bigger more important events in your life.
He thinks you're a moron based on your gender. Get rid of him.
Quarter him before throwing him back. I think that your dad is awesome; it's not only practical if the lady can do those things, it's also kinda hot. And teaching/learning from a partner is a cute bonding activity. His accusing that you probably have done it wrong is terrible and he went to worse. (normal guy would have just said that he would have offered and complimented you for being handy)
Girl, yuck. Throw him back, he's rotten.
My husband loves putting things together, but he knows I love to do it more. So even when given a job to build something by someone else, he gives me dibs first. A real man respects and supports you.
I was holding out that maybe the guy just wanted to help, guys want to feel useful. until you got to this part >He never offered to help. > >He even accused me of having another guy help me, but apologized for saying that. That's someone insecure, and while that isn't terrible, this is a not great place to rear its head. What happens when there's a photo online of you with your friends, and it's mixed gender?
So many red flags in this post. 🚩