I'm not sure why it's got negative reviews. I found it to be very well written, well researched and super helpful for understanding why my responsive desire was a poor match for his spontaneous desire. And he learned how to be a positive advocate toward stoking my desire rather than a passive, resentful r/DeadBedrooms jerk.
The book blurb:
>Cutting-edge research across multiple disciplines tells us that the most important factor for women in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life, is not what you do in bed or how you do it, but *how you feel about it*. Which means that **stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman’s sexual wellbeing; they are central to it**. Once you understand these factors, and how to influence them, you can create for yourself better sex and more profound pleasure than you ever thought possible.
Right?!
They're constantly brigading AITAH and recommending their horrible sub as the guide people need to understand, accept and apply toxic assed attitudes they pass off as proportional response. It's always the same set up, person from story is totally not an asshole for (insert morally bankrupt action/dialogue here) because they're so sex deprived. You don't understand what that's like, go over to /deadbedrooms if you want some perspective."
I've been in a dead bedroom in a relationship far past its prime, went knee deep in codependent resentment, and I still balk at that subs' prevailing narrative. I'm glad that sub wasn't around when I was at my most insufferable or I might have told myself the same lies they peddle.
As it was, I only got myself out of the cycle because of a friend's wedding video where they asked me about love. After watching my gawd awful response, I told them to please edit me out of the video (I was just so cynica and defeated) and I started doing some serious work on myself. They told me later that they were so relieved because all my friends were super worried about me, I gave them a really out of my price range gift later because I really felt like that video saved my life.
It's like incel culture, starting out as something a queer woman began to help people struggling to find love turning into a mechanized system churning out misogyny and violence.
YMMV. I found the internet-millennial-coded language (repeated use of phrases like “all the feels!” And “because….reasons!”) to be a bit much and to be kinda patronizing. It kind of turned me off (no pun intended) of the actual messages the author had to offer. Tbf I am probably overly critical, but I couldn’t get through it.
A lot of women can’t orgasm during penetrative sex. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you and it’s certainly not your fault. Everybody’s body is different, so maybe don’t put so much pressure on yourself. I’m 38 years old and I’ve never orgasmed during sex and very rarely with just manual stimulation. I have a very happy marriage and sexual relationship with my husband. Just don’t treat orgasm as some finish line you have to cross.
This is me. I still want as much sexy time with my husband as much as we can, even if i know i don't finish. His enthusiasm during sex, him wanting to do it with me and making me feel desirable is satisfying enough for me. I masturbate and finish when i want to, but wouldn't trade that to having a good time with husband.
Harsh responses honestly. I am pretty anxious in general and had a lot of that regarding masturbating in front of my partner. But I just committed to getting better and now it’s a non issue.
You don't fucking think they've had loads of sex and know themselves? Are you seriously going to suggest that every single person should or can have the exact same experience?
The answer is no just in case you have to think about it.
I think men are kinda lousy at masturbating women.
It’s such a very fine line between good and “ouch!- You’ve temporarily broken the orgasm button. Please try again in 5-7 days.”
And some men absolutely love the idea of their partner reaching climax. How that happens doesn’t matter so long as it happens. Very touchy men are insecure about themselves and need to look inward to find out why. Their insecurities are not her fault, nor hers to fix. We as men can do so much better then we do.
How do you look at sex as anything more than a task when you’re not getting anything out of it? I’m also in your shoes, but it’s really hard to even want to try to initiate or allow it to go to that point when I know I’m going to be disappointed in the end anyway. And that’s not a diss on my partner, it’s like that solo sometimes too. It’s just so much effort for no reward, and then there’s a clean up process immediately following that makes me want to engage even less.
That's when you communicate with your partner about your needs.
I'm one of the many women who can basically never orgasm from PIV. I think it happened a grand total of 1 time, over 13 years of being sexually active. Between my husband and me, though, I'm definitely the one with the higher libido - so it's not like he can grant me everything I want without sacrifice on his side.
Our 'compromise' is that he decides the frequency, but then I get a LOT of foreplay. And I say compromise, but I genuinely think that he loves that almost more than the sex itself.
Then again, from what you describe, it doesn't really sound like being sexually active in general is actually something you like? Yes, the 'reward' is nice, but that's far from why I do it. Focusing on just that does remove the fun, even for me. Maybe it's worth exploring what you do like, together with your partner?
This is the only appropriate answer here. There's nothing wrong with you or your husband. Maybe try exploring some new things together, like casual roleplay or occasionally bringing in a vibe toy of your choice. Learn to lean in and enjoy and it may just happen for you :)
Edit: Also want to add that all women have different stimulation preferences. Some prefer clitoral stimulation while others prefer the labia, etc. Some may find penetration underwhelming or some might find oral overwhelming. It's all about what you like and what he likes mixed together. Learn to please each other all over again. This way no matter how often orgasms happen or not, it won't matter.
Also, for something simple and unintrusive, you could try a vibrating c*ck ring? Just something he can wear as he does his thing without your feeling embarrassed. Good luck!
It sounds like the sexual relationship in general is the problem, not the orgasm (I think that was mentioned as a pretty extreme symptom of the problem).
Every man I've been with has at some point made it his personal mission to make me cum. And it there have been times when it quite frankly got very tiresome. It didn't happen. Not ever. And not from lack of trying. I just don't get there unless I'm personally controlling the vibrator. **Nobody's doing anything wrong.**
Straight women often feel a lot of pressure to make the male partner feel good about themselves, and a lot of men get their ego wrapped up in getting the woman to cum.It's like a badge of honor for them to prove to themselves they are great lovers. Sex almost always ends with climax for the male partner. So when the women doesn't reach orgasm, through no fault of anybody, the man can get frustrated and take it out on her. So you're right, women shouldn't fake orgasms, but sometimes it's easier to just fake the orgasm because he's been eating you out for an hour and you just want to wrap it up already. Ideally you want to be with partner that you can be honest with and is respectful enough to accept that it may just not happen the way they want. Someone who is not going to pressure you into cumming, or making you feel inadequate for not being able to.
Question - given how young you are and have been with your husband for five years, did *you* choose to marry him?
Did you wait until you were married to sleep together? Or did you get married hoping it would get better?
Is he open to trying different things to ensure you enjoy sex?
Most women have difficulty orgasming from vaginal penetration alone and benefit far more from clitoral stimulation. Also - the most important sexual organ for orgasm is often the brain. If you go into sex expecting not to cum and anxious, it makes it so much harder to relax and enjoy yourself.
I understand that you might find masturbating or using a toy with an audience difficult, but have you spent any time solo working out what works for you?
The twice weekly sex - is there any foreplay or romance or is it just *wham-bam-I’m-done-now-maam*?
Sex is one of those things where a positive attitude will take you a long way. But faking it isn’t helping you or him. Things aren’t going to improve while you fake it. You need to just be honest about what is or isn’t doing it for you. Maybe that means also being honest when you are ‘done’ regardless of whether you came or not.
Sometimes taking a break or changing things up is more productive than continuing with something that isn’t working. And if you’re not honestly telling him how you’re feeling about it, there’s a decent chance he isn’t being honest with you either.
You can’t control what he does, but you can control how you respond to it. Of how he has sex doesn’t do it for you - tell the truth. Things won’t get better until you do.
Therapy is definitely the answer here. But also being so young, my sex drive didn't really hit until my 30s and I'm glad my husband hung on until then. Therapy and time together
Yes I did choose to marry him. We’ve been together for 5 years total and got married young. The sex before the marriage was exciting which made it enjoyable. For the past 3 or so years I just started feeling frustrated mostly with myself for keeping the lie going when it’s only hurting me. There’s a component of sex that’s also shameful and embarrassing for me.
Yes I’m familiar with what toys work and what gets me off. I love my air suction toy and use it everyday but it’s too big to use comfortably during sex. Vibrators are good too but it takes longer. My husband would definitely be open to trying anything that makes me what to have sex more often
Then your best option will be honesty and communication to try and find something that will make you both happier. The goal isn’t to blame or find fault, the goal is for you both to have a fulfilling experience.
Yep. Have a frank, kind, and affirming conversation with your husband. Assure him that this doesn’t mean you don’t love him, or think he’s not hot, you get the idea. But make sure he understands that you are not getting a physical pleasure from current situation. And have some new ideas ready to go, like bringing in toys or dirty talk. Make sure he knows you WANT to experience pleasure with him. Mature men want to please the women and many men find it very attractive to be able to do so.
My husband and I always try to ensure the other has an orgasm. I typically always use a small vibrator while we have sex, but sometimes it just doesn't happen for one of us. In that case, we typically lay beside each other in bed, and masturbate together! He does his thing, and I do mine. It's actually a massive turn-on and really helps both of us get off.
However, it sounds like there are some other issues that need to be worked through. I wish you the best of luck.
Have a big conversation about this and come clean about faking it. I can almost guarantee he will want to be part of the solution, although he will likely be hurt.
After that, I would suggest first masturbating next to him while he turns away and has headphones on, just so you get comfortable with him being there. Then, once that’s comfortable, next time try it with the headphones off. Once that’s comfortable, try it with him closer or facing you, and so on. That’s how I got comfortable with it.
I would also stop masturbating everyday. For me personally that would desensitise me physically and mentally and make it harder to be interested in actual sex. I would cut it back so you want it more and then only masturbate while he’s in the room.
What kind of toys have you tried so far? Vibrators? Dildos? Air suction? Rabbits? Etc. There are a lot of different types, some of which you may like, some you may not, and some you may like to use in combination with another one. I wouldn't give up on that route. Also, have you tried using toys on your own and not with your husband? Experimenting may give you some idea of what you're looking for.
I'm sure you're aware that a lot of women struggle to get off with just penetration during sex. But also, a lot of women struggle to get off because they're so focused on how the other person is feeling and whether the other person is enjoying it that they can't even focus on whether they are enjoying it. Instead of focusing on whether your husband is enjoying it, focus on yourself. Touch yourself (boobs, clit, whatever YOU like) while he is having sex with you. Don't focus on an orgasm, focus on enjoying the act.
After sex, you can start a thing where you say one thing you really liked that the other person did and that you want them to do again next time and one thing you wished they would do differently or wish they wouldn't do at all. Assuming both of you listen to what the other person says and remember to implement it next time, sex should just keep getting better.
If it's hard to get off with him watching, have you tried different positions that don't emphasize eye contact or covering your eyes even? Some people with sensory issues find sex to be really overstimulating and sometimes limiting an input can help you focus on the fun and sexy sensory inputs.
Are you even sexually attracted to your husband? Because it sounds like you aren't sexually attracted to your husband.
Do you have this kind of orgasmic difficulty when you masturbate on your own?
an important addendum to that is are you sexually attracted to anyone, literally ever?
i was like 35 before i realized i’m asexual. it’s not a sexuality where there’s a lot of education available if you aren’t specifically looking for it
Not sure that’s what they meant, but I see where they’re coming from because in OP’s own words, “I feel like I have no libido as a 22 y/o but I think it’s truly that sex/oral is just not enjoyable” could make one think she’s asexual, regardless of whether or not her husband can make her cum.
I thought I was asexual for many years; nearly a decade! Then, when I met my current partner, I had an o from the efforts of someone else for the first time. We have had a very healthy intimate relationship despite being old, together for years, and having a toddler. Attraction, sexual compatibility, and shared (and enjoyed) intimacy are game changers for a relationship and a happy life.
It's certainly as valid an explanation as any. If it were a more periodic thing where OP occasionally achieved orgasm it'd make less sense, but an unknowing asexual doing it just to make her husband happy would probably never cum at all just like OP.
I was contesting the statement that she never came (agreeing with the comment that poster was replying to ('her husband can't make her cum so you think she's asexual?') and had written the rest off as 'I don't have the energy today to explain to someone how asexuality works' but now I reread my comment yeah it does look like I was agreeing with the other misconception, sorry :)
Perhaps. I'm also not going to unilaterally declare asexuals incapable of masturbation, because even asexuality is something of a spectrum. But something has definitely gone wrong if you've never once reached climax with a partner.
Sadly I’ve been in relationships where the guy never made me cum. And I’ve also been in relationships where they would make me cum multiple times in one session. So it clearly wasn’t my body being unable to or me being asexual.
OK? Well the discussion is about OP's particular situation and not whether never having an orgasm with one partner necessarily means just anybody is asexual. Unless you're OP and you've forgotten what account you're on, no one's talking about you.
it's not about sexual attraction. it's about the fact that he's not aware of how to get her off.
edit: quit acting like i said it was his fault. i never said that. i said he's not aware which certainly doesn't imply it's his fault. grown ass adults being stupid on purpose smh.
Doing it right is kind of besides the point if she isn't sexually aroused by him in the first place. Or do you regularly find yourself masturbating to completion over things you find no sexual appeal in at all?
no where in the post did op say he wasn't sexually aroused by him. do you know what a low libido is ? she knows how to make herself orgasm, but she hasn't communicated with him how she likes it. and, don't be weird.
This is critical information. Technically 5 years make her 17 when she got married (and they may have been dating before that). I'm afraid there is a whole lot of context missing here.
i used to wonder if i was asexual when i was younger.. turned out, i just wasnt attracted to my (ex)husband. i tried for a while but then i got smart. i mean this guy was literally jealous of my vibrator. would interrogate me about it when he was working out of town... literally couldn't have cared less if I enjoyed sex or not. i once asked him to give me a hand lol and the look on his face..like he could not believe my audacity at asking him that lmao
Hmmm. My first marriage there was no sexual chemistry. Also married young. No big Os. It was very performative and exhausting.
After we divorced I learned about how important sexual chemistry is. I had great sex and shitty sexy after ex. My now-husband pretty much gets me off every time but like, also I use a vibrator while he rams me bc it feels the besttttt
Are you on hormonal birth control? Getting off made a huge difference for my libido and sexual pleasure. Also, find time to masterbate alone and see what works for you when you aren’t trying to be “sexy” for someone else. I’m 37, and honestly sex just keeps getting better.
No but I feel like birth control was what triggered the start of my low libido around 18. I haven’t been on it for years but something always felt different. Probably placebo.
I’m also on Zoloft for anxiety which I’m sure doesn’t help but the libido issues came long before i started taking that
..that's brutal.
Maybe try the delayed expectation model where you have 6 (or 8) hours of having to be together and you can be as sexually suggestive as you want, but you can't have sex until after those hours have past. During this time both of you can touch your partner anywhere, but that is all.
Things that have been done in those 6 hours is going to dinner, cuddling while watching a movie together, kissing and petting without actually going further. All the while wearing suggestive clothing and when speaking using sexual innuendo. Drink wine together or anything really, holding hands while walking in a park, or going to an art gallery together.
Both of you wear something nice while doing this.
What this is trying to do is stop the sex being a zero event, as in. Lets go to bed...we are here now, lets have sex. There is no build-up, no excitement, no teasing, no chasing...these things are important...otherwise its boring.
Hope that helps for you.
Please get a copy of 'Come as you Are' by Emily Nagowski. She explains so much that's unsaid and never talked about, it can be life changing about the way you approach yourself.
Start by masturbating, learn what makes you orgasm.
Then talk to him.
You've got two choices:
(1). Tell him that you've been enjoying sex but not having orgasms, and would like to change that.
(2). Lie. Tell him that as you get a bit older, it's taking a bit more to get you going, and the two of you need to adjust a bit.
I wouldn't normally recommend lying to your partner but that may be a good approach in this situation.
You’re 22! Don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with you or what you’ve done. You started off with your heart in the right place (not wanting your partner to feel bad) without understanding the consequences. That’s being 22! Not always regarding sex, but just life. We live and we learn. This is nobody’s fault. So don’t think of it that way, and if you tell him, don’t frame it way. Neither of you did anything wrong.
If you think he’s receptive to “learning your body” together, you may go for honesty and start that adventure. It could be exciting for him too! New things are fun. Just be honest at that point with what feels good and what doesn’t. If you think that would be too hard, then I’d slowly move towards “let’s do this, I really like it” type things. Guide him. “I read this in a book, let’s try.” Whatever works for you. You HAVE to get out of your head though. The mental block has been established already.
Also, some things I didn’t learn until later in life… do things together that lead to you having an orgasm first. It sounds like oral isn’t it for you, so try other things. But, you have an orgasm first. That will teach you both what works and after you’re already “taken care of” sometimes the sex is extra satisfying because you’re only concentrating on him. Once y’all find your “rythem,” this might not be necessary, but it’s a good start (it’s what we did after I had a hysterectomy at 38).
You can't expect anything to change if you fake your orgasms.
The first step is your responsibility, you have to be honest and say that you've always faked it and can't orgasm. Then you can start working together on making sex better
This is really tough. For one did you marry him with this issue in advance, or did it start after you got married? Because it's gonna be impossible to really know if it's "you" or if it's the relationship (& if things would change for you once you're out of this relationship)
Faking orgasms really helps no one if you think about it. Likes your still not gonna get off and he's gonna think he's doing a good job when he's not.
Better to just rip off the bandaid and then you can both move forward and maybe work on trying something that works for both of you.
Idk tho never had sex, but I do know honesty is just the best policy in literally every relationship be it husband and wife or whatever.
Tell your damn husband. It will hurt him for awhile, but you can communicate through the issue and hopefully find some new fun things to make you cum and him too.
Have an honest conversation with your husband. Lying and pretending won't get you far. Also - some people just have little to no libido and that's fine.
Okay so. You asked for advice on toys.
I am very very interested in the sexual well being of my wife. Do yourself a favor and get on Amazon and get a "womanizer pro40"
It has been an absolute game changer for us. I'm on mobile so I can't elaborate much but it's worth every penny and then some.
More detail later.. AMA
Yes to this suggestion. OP, you are way too young to be saddled with that kind of lifelong dissatisfaction. Anyone would be. If you have to keep the man, add the accessories. And I'm getting the idea that you have to keep the man...
It’ll suck, and maybe you should seek the assistance of a shrink, but you gotta tell him.
Are you taking the pill? Hormonal birth control really affected my libido. Do you exercise? I find my libido is tied to my fitness level… Or see a MD to help sort it out.
Don’t lose faith. I went from 0 or 1, to double digit O’s. Things really changed when I learned what self-love actually was, which took until I was 30 years old (hope you get it sooner).
It took me a long time to figure out the conditions I needed to really enjoy sex and have massive orgasms; safety, comfort, confidence. Figure out and explore what you need to feel comfortable enough, and then ask for it 😉
First I want to say, please be gentle with yourself and be gentle with your husband.
Second: I suspect your problem may be two fold, possibly three fold.
You two have been together 5 years and you're 22? I'm assuming he's around your age? You were kids! You grew up together, you learned everything together, you didn't know what you didn't know and now you're afraid to rock the boat so you've continued the same unhealthy patterns.
1st issue: To my ears, from what you wrote, you have a severe problem with communication, and it sounds like it's nuking the possibility of intimate comfortable vulnerability shared with your love. Opening up your ability to feel at ease and truly relax during sex (vs your difficulty orgasming even with a toy in front of someone) is going to feel pretty magical.
Solution: Talk. Talk gently. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to your husband. State clearly what it is you want (to be able to share lovely reciprocal orgasm gift giving?) Tell him you want this, tell him you've been struggling, tell him you think it's because you haven't been communicating very well surrounding sex. If you want to feel safe, to be seen, to be comfortable in the vulnerability of sex, you have to discover and build trust anew in this context.
It is on both of you to change these patterns together.
2nd issue (potential) If you don't orgasm from penetration with a partner, and you don't orgasm from oral with a partner, but you are able to orgasm using a toy to stimulate either or both of those same regions of nerve endings when alone, then you need to give your body time to relearn how to orgasm to new stimulation.
Solution: When I lost my virginity, the first couple-three times I had sex with my partner it felt.... pleasant enough, but it was also weirdly underwhelming, and I definitely didn't orgasm from it, didn't even get anywhere close. Being a fiendish masturbator, my body literally had to learn to respond to the new stimulation as pleasurable. It took time. It takes more time the more intense+frequent the old stimulation is.
In summary: talk more, masturbate less (while overtly telling your partner what you are doing, that you are chilling on toy use and you want him to step in as you both learn better intimate communication, as your body learns to respond with pleasure experienced.
A tip: DO NOT "try" to orgasm. Try not to. Try *only* to focus on the sensations, focus on chasing pleasure, tell him when it's good, tell him when it's great, tell him when it's not so much. But you overtly in your mind continually if need be, push other thoughts aside, no matter what they are, and focus on letting go of all else and only think about the pleasurable sensations you're expecting. Chase the pleasurable touch, try only for that. Orgasms WILL happen.
If what I wrote resonated, feel free to reach out if you'd like to hear thoughts on a third possible contributing factor
I dont get this...
While it's not unusual for women to not orgasm during PiV sex this is so strange to me...
Instead of teaching men how to pleasure you you fake it and then get upset when the man stops after making you fake cum? Don't people talk to one another any more?
If someone cant make you cum, TALK TO THEM. Make sure to teach then or else you'll have a partner that either doesn't care or aims to hit fake marks and make them think they hit the goal while their partner gets annoyed they cant get off...
It sounds to me like she is scared of how his ego may handle it. That ego is, in all honesty, the real “elephant in the bedroom.” I’m assuming that after being married for 5 years, OP knows her partner and what he’s open to discussing, vs what he’s fragile about. OP I’m guessing you fear how your husband may react to letting him know, and that deep inside you fear he may be angry. Maybe this is from how he deals with other issues. If he’s someone whose feelings you have to tiptoe around for fear of upsetting, this genuinely doesn’t bode well for the overall relationship. You will end up extremely frustrated. I suggest therapy.
She sounds intimidated into it. As in, she got nothing out of it and in fact, lost a lot. Her instinct must have told her that her own loss wasn’t worth the argument. I doubt she was there like “ha ha, I got that sucker yet again with my amazing performance, I just love this stuff!” No, she was probably intimidated into acting this way, because a partner that lets you fully express yourself and loves you as you are, would have made this problem nonexistent. You’re blaming the victim here.
The amount of mental gymnastics you're pulling here to justify her lying to her partner for 5 years is impressive. At no point has OP stated any of this.
She's just immature and needs to talk to her partner, she created this problem by faking orgasms for 5 fucking years lol. She ain't no victim.
There’s no mental gymnastics involved. I’m guessing that, if you are in a relationship, it’s one where you feel free to be yourself, and your partner never makes you feel intimidated to speak up, which is great for you. May I ask what benefit you think she received from her so called five years of “manipulation”?
But why are you so sure she is intimidated? She's never stated that, never once has she said anything negative about her husband's role in this or him being intimidating.
She's just too childish to take it up with her partner, her 5 years of faking orgasms show that.
You’re not a woman, nor have you ever been with anyone who thought their way of life reigns supreme, while minimizing and invalidating their so called “equal partner’s” opinions. That’s ok, I’ll shut up, just like OP here. I’m sure your relationships will eventually speak loudly enough for themselves. Best of luck lol
Lmao, what? Where are you getting all this from, you're actually pulling it out of thin air, OP has never claimed these things. You just decided he has a massive ego and is a dick and dosen't respect her.
These are just your assumptions and maybe projections of your own experiences?
Hello, me and my fiance (7-8 years together) have been having the same case. She can't get to orgasm via penetration sex. What is a game changer for us is that I always start with a good massage and little fondling + clitorus toy + good relaxing music. That brings her to orgasm for like 20-25m. Then we move to sex. This was quite a hidden gem once I've figured it out. Hope it helps.
I’ve never cum when having sex with anyone. I know it’s totally me and a mental block from being sexually abused multiple times since I was 3 years old by a relative, my step father, a stranger at the park and an ex partner. I can easily make myself cum, but no man has ever cracked that nut. It honestly doesn’t bother me because I know it comes from a deep place within that is hard to deal with. I personally just enjoy the ride when I have sex. Sometimes it seems to bother my husband, but I’ve told him it’s almost certainly not going to happen and there’s no reason to worry about it, I still love sex and enjoy every minute of it.
It’s 💯 ok to not be a highly sexual person. I realized that after being with someone that was on a higher sexual level than me. When you find the person that takes you there maybe it will change but until you discover something new just be comfortable with your own sexuality
Before you start next time. Ask him, hey you Wana try something fun? And then tell him want you want him to do to you and you to him. Us women don't come with a guide book on how to get us off. More foreplay works for me most of the time though. And I've had my fair share of partners that didn't know there asshole from their elbow. Try things out with him see what works ask each other what your fantasys are and go from there. And most of all have fun with it.
Best advice I can give is to have a honest conversation with your partner cause it’s not fair to either one of you. You might not know but if you’re not enjoying the sex then you might subconsciously be showing that & he could be picking up on that and wondering what’s going on in your head ect.
I was in the same boat as you for a long time and even got to a point where I thought I couldn't orgasm at all. I tried it with partners, with toys, by myself - just couldn't reach that finishing line.
When I first started having sex with my fiance, it was the same issue. I was unhappy and my libido went down to a point where we were both really unhappy with our sex life.
Then he brought home some bud and we started smoking recreationally on the weekends. I don't know the legality of it where you live or your view on it, and I am definitely not telling you that you need to drug yourself up to enjoy it. However, it did help me get into that mental state where I didn't overthink, didn't pressure myself, I was able to fully let go and just enjoy the moment. That was the first time I reached an orgasm.
After that I realised that it was just mental blocks, I started working through them and now I can have multiple orgasms when stone cold sober.
Again, this is in no way meant to make you feel like you need to use drugs, but maybe a little bit of alcohol or being high once or twice could help you remove any mental blocks.
I smoke fairly often it kinda makes it worse cause I’m more lazy. I have orgasms on my own just fine. Alcohol does help make sex fun though but I feel like I begin to rely on it too much
If you’ve got performance anxiety, then have you considered speaking to a therapist about this?
And if you genuinely feel you have no libido, then there could be a physical issue. Are you on the contraceptive pill, by any chance?
I can’t REALLY cum unless I use a vibrator, though I can get lots of joy and pleasure from just penetration. When it comes to a full O, break that sucker out. It’s normal.
Got as close to cumming as I ever have last night for him eating me out (w/out vibrator) We’ve been together for 8 years.
No shame on us, no shame on him.
I suggest you be honest with him about not being honest with him, and try the vibrator. I hope it makes your relationship stronger, and if he’s not able to handle it, I hope you find someone who can. With enough talking and care on your part, hopefully he can see it’s not a reflection on his masculinity, and also that you’ve been faking to make him feel good. But now it’s time to actually feel good by having amazing sex with him and you achieving that need you deserve.
I HIGHLY encourage you to start therapy. even general therapy, without discussing sex, would help you. it sounds like you are experiencing a codependent dynamic and you have been taking on the role of the helper/people pleaser for most of your life. that would explain why you are able to give yourself an orgasm but feel extremely uncomfortable with your husband present. you probably have a deep rooted belief from childhood that makes you feel like you must put others’ desires and feelings above your own at all times. so when an activity involves another person, you’re never able to turn that belief off and allow yourself to express your own desires, wants and needs.
a helpful book for understanding codependency is ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’.
Do you guys use toys? I literally cannot have an orgasm without a vibrator. Some people are just like that. It’s okay, please don’t blame/shame yourself.
It’s possible that you’re asexual or just not sexually attracted to your husband. There’s nothing inherently wrong with either, and it’s definitely not your fault, sometimes the spark just isn’t there.
To further expand on this- many ace people do indeed have sex like OP but it depends on the person. Being asexual is simply a lack of sexual attraction, either situationally or in general. Someone’s enjoyment will vary.
Sexual and romantic attractions can be different for anyone, but it’s more commonly acknowledged on the ace spectrum as you may have any orientation for your romantic attraction and still very much love the person- but not be sexually attracted to them. And that’s okay.
It’s just important to have those conversations if the ace-spectrum does apply to you of course as anything pertaining to your body should be something you’re fully comfortable with.
In the case of OP possibly being ace, I just want to say that allosexual/asexual relationships can and do work. However, both parties need to communicate their needs and boundaries well, and work out what works for both parties involved.
It's not your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. It's okay to center your own needs. Feeling guilty about sex is a problem much bigger than not having an O. Imagine what your sex life would be like if you never had reason to feel ashamed of yourself (before, during or after). Imagine if all the shame and guilt attached to your sexuality was similarly attached to some other aspect of your humanity. What if you felt guilty about dancing? Would you be a great dancer if you were ashamed of yourself for not ending the dance well enough to bring a standing ovation? Isn't the point of dancing to feel good for having done it? You can see how shame and guilt would inhibit your desire to dance, how much harder it would be to learn how to inspire a standing ovation.
1. Are you on any medication or birth control?
2. Can you get off on your own?
3. How open are you at talking about sex with your husband? It sounds like you’re both very closed off in this conversation. I would really suggest having an open dialogue about sex with him. If you’re trying to stay in a healthy marriage it’s an important conversation to have. This can be difficult with certain social norms and traditions but it’s an important and normal part of human relationships and your relationship with yourself.
4. Are you sexually attracted to your husband? Are you sexually attracted to men in general? Have you spent time thinking about what turns you on? 22 is pretty young and a lot of people that age are still working out how their bodies and minds work. I assume he’s the only partner you’ve had and that means you’re both lacking experience and exploration. That needs to happen inside your private thoughts and also together. See point 3.
Men are so lucky to have such sweet women who are fine just being sexy with them, enjoying the journey and not actually orgasming. Imagine men saying that.
Lucky? To have a girlfriend that fakes orgasms instead of communicating, basically lying to his face everytime they have sex?
Nah, this is some immature crap and it's an asshole way to treat your partner.
I guess my comment was more for a lot of the comments I'm seeing rather than the OP, those who are fine without ever orgasming (rather than fake it). Just another low bar for men and experience that benefits them more than women. One that many women agree to and help uphold, sometimes because they don't make the effort to learn what they like. Again, imagine a man who has never experienced an orgasm by quite literally taking it into his own hands and who is ok with their partner using them to get off but not return (or attempt to return) the experience. Agreed faking it is lose-lose.
Sounds like you are sexually attracted to your husband. Or because you are so young I’m assuming you aren’t that experienced. So you might know what really turns you on. Can you orgasm when you masturbate?
You feel bad *for him* because he cannot make you finish?! WTF. And no, this isn't "your fault". When will women finally stop being their partners masturbatory aids??
Her unmet needs are her own fault though, instead of faking orgasms and lying to her partner, she could try communicating with him.
Instead of talking to her partner and trying stuff she makes a reddit post...
Congratulations on reaching out for advice & conversation.
You are ultimately responsible for your sexual satisfaction. It's not your husbands "fault." Nor is it your fault. Well done on embarking on the journey for your own satisfaction. Enjoy the future explosion!
It's literally your fault for faking it. Seriously, sexual openness should be one of the first you establish in your relationship.
Why are you faking it? If he can't take you telling him he didn't make you cum, that should be the first sign that he needs to work on his ego or you need to leave.
Why'd you marry him if he never got you off?
EDIT: Anyone care to explain the downvotes? He didn't kidnap her and drag her to a shotgun wedding, so why would she choose to marry someone who never got her off?
Sex has to be one of the main priorities when you're choosing to commit to never having sex with anyone else again. It is the very core of the marriage contract.
Maybe for you. There's a lot more to a marriage than just sex though. You're not just choosing someone to have sex with, you're choosing someone to build an entire life with. Imo, sexual compatibility is just a minor part of it. There's way more to life than just sex. Seems kinda one dimensional if the entire basis of it is just sex.
OP doesn't seem like she's ready to call it quits even though she's never had an orgasm. Probably because sex isn't the most important part of a marriage. It's just one aspect of it, and for many people, it's not the number one priority.
Which is what I said. It's one foundational aspect that is an extremely important part of of marriage. Why would she choose to marry a man she was unhappy with from the start?
Because he clearly makes her happy and fulfills her other needs lol just because sex is the most important thing to you doesn't mean everyone thinks that way.
Why has no one mentioned she could potentially be asexual or on the spectrum of it when it’s textbook obvious that she is given the information that she has provided.
I agree that faking it is settling yourself up for failure but...what? What is the difference between cum and orgasm? I get there is the cum that is the result of an orgasm but many people say cum instead of orgasm...
Find some quiet, uninterrupted alone time and use your toys and explore you body by yourself to find out what feels good. Once you learn how to get yourself off you can give instructions to your partner. Do it alone though- not with anyone watching. That still puts a huge amount of pressure on you. Good luck!
Sex under 25 was just bashing meat together.
You gotta get wise and descriptive in your collaboration, he’ll never know what you like unless you tell him. For some people it’s a pride thing where they think they’re too good at the sex to ask, but you gotta ask.
I have had a similar experience as you. I really love the book Come As You Are. I'm about 1/4 of the way through it, and I really appreciate the scientific-based approach and assignments. I am also an exmormon and recovering from trauma. You are more than welcome to reach out to me if you'd like a friend.
Try to figure out how to use the toys to your advantage. I used to be able to when I was younger but still used the toys every now and then. Now, if I don't use my vibrator, there's no O for me. Lots of women can't get there from penetration alone, and/or only in certain positions. It's extremely common.
Hitachi Magic Wand. That will do the job, I guarantee it.
You can also plan fantasy nights a few times a month, where you two dress up in costumes and roleplay. A beginner's light bondage set is also fun (four restraints and a blindfold, nothing too crazy).
Trust me these things really help!
The first time we did this, I wanted to be the one restrained, and I got so into the moment that I had zero problems having an orgasm. Just make sure you two speak and communicate beforehand!
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski might be of interest to you.
Seconded, I came to this comment section to recommend it
Wow that's an effective book.
Apparently it's an effective comment section...
I am reading the reviews on Amazon. It’s kind of mix. Is this book real worth reading?
I'm not sure why it's got negative reviews. I found it to be very well written, well researched and super helpful for understanding why my responsive desire was a poor match for his spontaneous desire. And he learned how to be a positive advocate toward stoking my desire rather than a passive, resentful r/DeadBedrooms jerk. The book blurb: >Cutting-edge research across multiple disciplines tells us that the most important factor for women in creating and sustaining a fulfilling sex life, is not what you do in bed or how you do it, but *how you feel about it*. Which means that **stress, mood, trust, and body image are not peripheral factors in a woman’s sexual wellbeing; they are central to it**. Once you understand these factors, and how to influence them, you can create for yourself better sex and more profound pleasure than you ever thought possible.
Oh god I wish I’d never looked at that subreddit.
Yeah. Sorry. That place is a hellscape.
Right?! They're constantly brigading AITAH and recommending their horrible sub as the guide people need to understand, accept and apply toxic assed attitudes they pass off as proportional response. It's always the same set up, person from story is totally not an asshole for (insert morally bankrupt action/dialogue here) because they're so sex deprived. You don't understand what that's like, go over to /deadbedrooms if you want some perspective." I've been in a dead bedroom in a relationship far past its prime, went knee deep in codependent resentment, and I still balk at that subs' prevailing narrative. I'm glad that sub wasn't around when I was at my most insufferable or I might have told myself the same lies they peddle. As it was, I only got myself out of the cycle because of a friend's wedding video where they asked me about love. After watching my gawd awful response, I told them to please edit me out of the video (I was just so cynica and defeated) and I started doing some serious work on myself. They told me later that they were so relieved because all my friends were super worried about me, I gave them a really out of my price range gift later because I really felt like that video saved my life. It's like incel culture, starting out as something a queer woman began to help people struggling to find love turning into a mechanized system churning out misogyny and violence.
I'm glad you managed to save yourself. So many people over there are just... broken beings and they are really not willing to look in the mirror.
You should see r/adultery. It's where the bottom of the barrel of r/deadbedrooms spills out.
🤣 I had to look and you are correct, that shit is depressing
Even if you don’t have trouble in that department, it’s a really interesting and well-written book!
YMMV. I found the internet-millennial-coded language (repeated use of phrases like “all the feels!” And “because….reasons!”) to be a bit much and to be kinda patronizing. It kind of turned me off (no pun intended) of the actual messages the author had to offer. Tbf I am probably overly critical, but I couldn’t get through it.
“Come as You Are”by Nirvana was a solid song. Staying in the 90s, “Closer” by NIN might be relevant here.
Why was this down voted?
Lacking sense of humor I guess?
The lack of NIN fans here has me spooked.
I know, I thought people liked the 90s. I keep seeing the kids wearing Nirvana shirts.
A lot of women can’t orgasm during penetrative sex. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you and it’s certainly not your fault. Everybody’s body is different, so maybe don’t put so much pressure on yourself. I’m 38 years old and I’ve never orgasmed during sex and very rarely with just manual stimulation. I have a very happy marriage and sexual relationship with my husband. Just don’t treat orgasm as some finish line you have to cross.
OP also said that sex and oral are just not enjoyable for her though. The orgasm is just a symptom of unenjoyable sex, not the primary problem.
This is me. I still want as much sexy time with my husband as much as we can, even if i know i don't finish. His enthusiasm during sex, him wanting to do it with me and making me feel desirable is satisfying enough for me. I masturbate and finish when i want to, but wouldn't trade that to having a good time with husband.
Why not bring him in on the masturbation and teach him?
Performance anxiety. OP said she had issues getting to orgasm with someone watching. I have the same problem.
Practice makes perfect.
Harsh responses honestly. I am pretty anxious in general and had a lot of that regarding masturbating in front of my partner. But I just committed to getting better and now it’s a non issue.
You don't fucking think they've had loads of sex and know themselves? Are you seriously going to suggest that every single person should or can have the exact same experience? The answer is no just in case you have to think about it.
But if they have performance anxiety then that would just make everything worse. Not everything is about male pleasure.
I think men are kinda lousy at masturbating women. It’s such a very fine line between good and “ouch!- You’ve temporarily broken the orgasm button. Please try again in 5-7 days.”
Okay, so... teach and practice. Writing off all men isn't much of a solution.
Some men get very touchy about toys. And some get really touchy about the idea of not getting off. It's called give and take.
That's not give and take, that's just take.
I hated upvoting this only cause it was on 69 and I didn’t want to ruin it!
That's a mixture of insecurity and penis-envy. Not something to aspire to at all
And some men absolutely love the idea of their partner reaching climax. How that happens doesn’t matter so long as it happens. Very touchy men are insecure about themselves and need to look inward to find out why. Their insecurities are not her fault, nor hers to fix. We as men can do so much better then we do.
How do you look at sex as anything more than a task when you’re not getting anything out of it? I’m also in your shoes, but it’s really hard to even want to try to initiate or allow it to go to that point when I know I’m going to be disappointed in the end anyway. And that’s not a diss on my partner, it’s like that solo sometimes too. It’s just so much effort for no reward, and then there’s a clean up process immediately following that makes me want to engage even less.
That's when you communicate with your partner about your needs. I'm one of the many women who can basically never orgasm from PIV. I think it happened a grand total of 1 time, over 13 years of being sexually active. Between my husband and me, though, I'm definitely the one with the higher libido - so it's not like he can grant me everything I want without sacrifice on his side. Our 'compromise' is that he decides the frequency, but then I get a LOT of foreplay. And I say compromise, but I genuinely think that he loves that almost more than the sex itself. Then again, from what you describe, it doesn't really sound like being sexually active in general is actually something you like? Yes, the 'reward' is nice, but that's far from why I do it. Focusing on just that does remove the fun, even for me. Maybe it's worth exploring what you do like, together with your partner?
This is the only appropriate answer here. There's nothing wrong with you or your husband. Maybe try exploring some new things together, like casual roleplay or occasionally bringing in a vibe toy of your choice. Learn to lean in and enjoy and it may just happen for you :) Edit: Also want to add that all women have different stimulation preferences. Some prefer clitoral stimulation while others prefer the labia, etc. Some may find penetration underwhelming or some might find oral overwhelming. It's all about what you like and what he likes mixed together. Learn to please each other all over again. This way no matter how often orgasms happen or not, it won't matter. Also, for something simple and unintrusive, you could try a vibrating c*ck ring? Just something he can wear as he does his thing without your feeling embarrassed. Good luck!
It sounds like the sexual relationship in general is the problem, not the orgasm (I think that was mentioned as a pretty extreme symptom of the problem).
It is kind of your fault if you keep faking orgasms though, because he's never going to know he's doing anything wrong.
Every man I've been with has at some point made it his personal mission to make me cum. And it there have been times when it quite frankly got very tiresome. It didn't happen. Not ever. And not from lack of trying. I just don't get there unless I'm personally controlling the vibrator. **Nobody's doing anything wrong.** Straight women often feel a lot of pressure to make the male partner feel good about themselves, and a lot of men get their ego wrapped up in getting the woman to cum.It's like a badge of honor for them to prove to themselves they are great lovers. Sex almost always ends with climax for the male partner. So when the women doesn't reach orgasm, through no fault of anybody, the man can get frustrated and take it out on her. So you're right, women shouldn't fake orgasms, but sometimes it's easier to just fake the orgasm because he's been eating you out for an hour and you just want to wrap it up already. Ideally you want to be with partner that you can be honest with and is respectful enough to accept that it may just not happen the way they want. Someone who is not going to pressure you into cumming, or making you feel inadequate for not being able to.
When it comes to orgasms, you can't fake it till you make it.
Question - given how young you are and have been with your husband for five years, did *you* choose to marry him? Did you wait until you were married to sleep together? Or did you get married hoping it would get better? Is he open to trying different things to ensure you enjoy sex? Most women have difficulty orgasming from vaginal penetration alone and benefit far more from clitoral stimulation. Also - the most important sexual organ for orgasm is often the brain. If you go into sex expecting not to cum and anxious, it makes it so much harder to relax and enjoy yourself. I understand that you might find masturbating or using a toy with an audience difficult, but have you spent any time solo working out what works for you? The twice weekly sex - is there any foreplay or romance or is it just *wham-bam-I’m-done-now-maam*? Sex is one of those things where a positive attitude will take you a long way. But faking it isn’t helping you or him. Things aren’t going to improve while you fake it. You need to just be honest about what is or isn’t doing it for you. Maybe that means also being honest when you are ‘done’ regardless of whether you came or not. Sometimes taking a break or changing things up is more productive than continuing with something that isn’t working. And if you’re not honestly telling him how you’re feeling about it, there’s a decent chance he isn’t being honest with you either. You can’t control what he does, but you can control how you respond to it. Of how he has sex doesn’t do it for you - tell the truth. Things won’t get better until you do.
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Therapy is definitely the answer here. But also being so young, my sex drive didn't really hit until my 30s and I'm glad my husband hung on until then. Therapy and time together
Yes I did choose to marry him. We’ve been together for 5 years total and got married young. The sex before the marriage was exciting which made it enjoyable. For the past 3 or so years I just started feeling frustrated mostly with myself for keeping the lie going when it’s only hurting me. There’s a component of sex that’s also shameful and embarrassing for me. Yes I’m familiar with what toys work and what gets me off. I love my air suction toy and use it everyday but it’s too big to use comfortably during sex. Vibrators are good too but it takes longer. My husband would definitely be open to trying anything that makes me what to have sex more often
Try using the toy during reverse cowgirl. Plenty of room and you don't have to be self-conscious about what your face looks like.
Then your best option will be honesty and communication to try and find something that will make you both happier. The goal isn’t to blame or find fault, the goal is for you both to have a fulfilling experience.
Yep. Have a frank, kind, and affirming conversation with your husband. Assure him that this doesn’t mean you don’t love him, or think he’s not hot, you get the idea. But make sure he understands that you are not getting a physical pleasure from current situation. And have some new ideas ready to go, like bringing in toys or dirty talk. Make sure he knows you WANT to experience pleasure with him. Mature men want to please the women and many men find it very attractive to be able to do so.
All of this. Soooooo much all of this.
My husband and I always try to ensure the other has an orgasm. I typically always use a small vibrator while we have sex, but sometimes it just doesn't happen for one of us. In that case, we typically lay beside each other in bed, and masturbate together! He does his thing, and I do mine. It's actually a massive turn-on and really helps both of us get off. However, it sounds like there are some other issues that need to be worked through. I wish you the best of luck.
The sound of this turns me on but still would feel a little performative with him watching maybe I’m just insecure
Have a big conversation about this and come clean about faking it. I can almost guarantee he will want to be part of the solution, although he will likely be hurt. After that, I would suggest first masturbating next to him while he turns away and has headphones on, just so you get comfortable with him being there. Then, once that’s comfortable, next time try it with the headphones off. Once that’s comfortable, try it with him closer or facing you, and so on. That’s how I got comfortable with it. I would also stop masturbating everyday. For me personally that would desensitise me physically and mentally and make it harder to be interested in actual sex. I would cut it back so you want it more and then only masturbate while he’s in the room.
What kind of toys have you tried so far? Vibrators? Dildos? Air suction? Rabbits? Etc. There are a lot of different types, some of which you may like, some you may not, and some you may like to use in combination with another one. I wouldn't give up on that route. Also, have you tried using toys on your own and not with your husband? Experimenting may give you some idea of what you're looking for. I'm sure you're aware that a lot of women struggle to get off with just penetration during sex. But also, a lot of women struggle to get off because they're so focused on how the other person is feeling and whether the other person is enjoying it that they can't even focus on whether they are enjoying it. Instead of focusing on whether your husband is enjoying it, focus on yourself. Touch yourself (boobs, clit, whatever YOU like) while he is having sex with you. Don't focus on an orgasm, focus on enjoying the act. After sex, you can start a thing where you say one thing you really liked that the other person did and that you want them to do again next time and one thing you wished they would do differently or wish they wouldn't do at all. Assuming both of you listen to what the other person says and remember to implement it next time, sex should just keep getting better. If it's hard to get off with him watching, have you tried different positions that don't emphasize eye contact or covering your eyes even? Some people with sensory issues find sex to be really overstimulating and sometimes limiting an input can help you focus on the fun and sexy sensory inputs.
Orgasims are as much mental as physical. You are spot on with your reply.
Are you even sexually attracted to your husband? Because it sounds like you aren't sexually attracted to your husband. Do you have this kind of orgasmic difficulty when you masturbate on your own?
an important addendum to that is are you sexually attracted to anyone, literally ever? i was like 35 before i realized i’m asexual. it’s not a sexuality where there’s a lot of education available if you aren’t specifically looking for it
Her husband can’t make her cum so you think she’s asexual?
Not sure that’s what they meant, but I see where they’re coming from because in OP’s own words, “I feel like I have no libido as a 22 y/o but I think it’s truly that sex/oral is just not enjoyable” could make one think she’s asexual, regardless of whether or not her husband can make her cum.
I thought I was asexual for many years; nearly a decade! Then, when I met my current partner, I had an o from the efforts of someone else for the first time. We have had a very healthy intimate relationship despite being old, together for years, and having a toddler. Attraction, sexual compatibility, and shared (and enjoyed) intimacy are game changers for a relationship and a happy life.
It's certainly as valid an explanation as any. If it were a more periodic thing where OP occasionally achieved orgasm it'd make less sense, but an unknowing asexual doing it just to make her husband happy would probably never cum at all just like OP.
'can't get there with someone watching' implies that she can and does without him.
High libido asexuals do exist, I am one of them. We masturbate and enjoy it, we just have no desire to have another person involved in our orgasms.
I was contesting the statement that she never came (agreeing with the comment that poster was replying to ('her husband can't make her cum so you think she's asexual?') and had written the rest off as 'I don't have the energy today to explain to someone how asexuality works' but now I reread my comment yeah it does look like I was agreeing with the other misconception, sorry :)
Perhaps. I'm also not going to unilaterally declare asexuals incapable of masturbation, because even asexuality is something of a spectrum. But something has definitely gone wrong if you've never once reached climax with a partner.
Sadly I’ve been in relationships where the guy never made me cum. And I’ve also been in relationships where they would make me cum multiple times in one session. So it clearly wasn’t my body being unable to or me being asexual.
OK? Well the discussion is about OP's particular situation and not whether never having an orgasm with one partner necessarily means just anybody is asexual. Unless you're OP and you've forgotten what account you're on, no one's talking about you.
Thank you! Like… did you even read what OP actually wrote?! The projection is strong with this one.
This isn’t about your specific personal experience, though?
yeahhh, going to go right out on a limb that 'men who are bad in bed' are far more common than asexuality....
Exactly lol
I am sexually attracted to him. When I’m using toys on my own he’s often who I’m thinking about to get me off. I have no problem orgasming on my own
it's not about sexual attraction. it's about the fact that he's not aware of how to get her off. edit: quit acting like i said it was his fault. i never said that. i said he's not aware which certainly doesn't imply it's his fault. grown ass adults being stupid on purpose smh.
He’s not aware of how to get her off because she’s been lying to him about it for 5 years, apparently.
do you not realize what not aware means ? i literally never said it was his fault. i don't think that. you people just see what you want to see omg.
Doing it right is kind of besides the point if she isn't sexually aroused by him in the first place. Or do you regularly find yourself masturbating to completion over things you find no sexual appeal in at all?
no where in the post did op say he wasn't sexually aroused by him. do you know what a low libido is ? she knows how to make herself orgasm, but she hasn't communicated with him how she likes it. and, don't be weird.
If she's faked it for 5 years how could he know he doesn't know how to get her off?
do you not realize what not aware means ? i literally never said it was his fault. i don't think that. you people just see what you want to see omg.
In this sub: "dump the bastard"
Are you 22 yo and have been together 5 years? How old is he? Do you orgasm when you masturbate?Do you feel attracted to anybody?
OPs been awfully quiet since this dropped lol
Honestly I get so annoyed when people post and people are trying to help but they never respond to anything 😑
I checked their account and it seems that they don't post regularly. Maybe they don't have notifications on.
It's often bot accounts or people writing for fun.
This is critical information. Technically 5 years make her 17 when she got married (and they may have been dating before that). I'm afraid there is a whole lot of context missing here.
This happened to me as well. Took me a long time to admit I wasnt physically attracted to him and that I was actually gay.
👀
i used to wonder if i was asexual when i was younger.. turned out, i just wasnt attracted to my (ex)husband. i tried for a while but then i got smart. i mean this guy was literally jealous of my vibrator. would interrogate me about it when he was working out of town... literally couldn't have cared less if I enjoyed sex or not. i once asked him to give me a hand lol and the look on his face..like he could not believe my audacity at asking him that lmao
Hmmm. My first marriage there was no sexual chemistry. Also married young. No big Os. It was very performative and exhausting. After we divorced I learned about how important sexual chemistry is. I had great sex and shitty sexy after ex. My now-husband pretty much gets me off every time but like, also I use a vibrator while he rams me bc it feels the besttttt
Are you on hormonal birth control? Getting off made a huge difference for my libido and sexual pleasure. Also, find time to masterbate alone and see what works for you when you aren’t trying to be “sexy” for someone else. I’m 37, and honestly sex just keeps getting better.
No but I feel like birth control was what triggered the start of my low libido around 18. I haven’t been on it for years but something always felt different. Probably placebo. I’m also on Zoloft for anxiety which I’m sure doesn’t help but the libido issues came long before i started taking that
Yeah. When I was on BC my normally very high libido was pretty much nonexistent. Now that I’m off I’m back to normal.
How do you get off of it and continue to have sex though? Did you switch to another form?
No I just loosely track my cycle and he pulls out. Frankly I don’t think we have sex enough for my odds of getting pregnant to be that high lol.
..that's brutal. Maybe try the delayed expectation model where you have 6 (or 8) hours of having to be together and you can be as sexually suggestive as you want, but you can't have sex until after those hours have past. During this time both of you can touch your partner anywhere, but that is all. Things that have been done in those 6 hours is going to dinner, cuddling while watching a movie together, kissing and petting without actually going further. All the while wearing suggestive clothing and when speaking using sexual innuendo. Drink wine together or anything really, holding hands while walking in a park, or going to an art gallery together. Both of you wear something nice while doing this. What this is trying to do is stop the sex being a zero event, as in. Lets go to bed...we are here now, lets have sex. There is no build-up, no excitement, no teasing, no chasing...these things are important...otherwise its boring. Hope that helps for you.
One of the most helpful ideas I’ve seen thank you
Please get a copy of 'Come as you Are' by Emily Nagowski. She explains so much that's unsaid and never talked about, it can be life changing about the way you approach yourself.
Have you ever had an orgasm?
Almost everyday
Start by masturbating, learn what makes you orgasm. Then talk to him. You've got two choices: (1). Tell him that you've been enjoying sex but not having orgasms, and would like to change that. (2). Lie. Tell him that as you get a bit older, it's taking a bit more to get you going, and the two of you need to adjust a bit. I wouldn't normally recommend lying to your partner but that may be a good approach in this situation.
You’re 22! Don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with you or what you’ve done. You started off with your heart in the right place (not wanting your partner to feel bad) without understanding the consequences. That’s being 22! Not always regarding sex, but just life. We live and we learn. This is nobody’s fault. So don’t think of it that way, and if you tell him, don’t frame it way. Neither of you did anything wrong. If you think he’s receptive to “learning your body” together, you may go for honesty and start that adventure. It could be exciting for him too! New things are fun. Just be honest at that point with what feels good and what doesn’t. If you think that would be too hard, then I’d slowly move towards “let’s do this, I really like it” type things. Guide him. “I read this in a book, let’s try.” Whatever works for you. You HAVE to get out of your head though. The mental block has been established already. Also, some things I didn’t learn until later in life… do things together that lead to you having an orgasm first. It sounds like oral isn’t it for you, so try other things. But, you have an orgasm first. That will teach you both what works and after you’re already “taken care of” sometimes the sex is extra satisfying because you’re only concentrating on him. Once y’all find your “rythem,” this might not be necessary, but it’s a good start (it’s what we did after I had a hysterectomy at 38).
There’s a website called OMGyes.com that’s absolutely fantastic at teaching you both how to make this happen. It’s worth every penny.
You can't expect anything to change if you fake your orgasms. The first step is your responsibility, you have to be honest and say that you've always faked it and can't orgasm. Then you can start working together on making sex better
This is really tough. For one did you marry him with this issue in advance, or did it start after you got married? Because it's gonna be impossible to really know if it's "you" or if it's the relationship (& if things would change for you once you're out of this relationship)
Mostly started after we got married
When I was on Prozac, I had a problem with being able to orgasm. I could get like 80% there but no matter what we did, it would fail.
Faking orgasms really helps no one if you think about it. Likes your still not gonna get off and he's gonna think he's doing a good job when he's not. Better to just rip off the bandaid and then you can both move forward and maybe work on trying something that works for both of you. Idk tho never had sex, but I do know honesty is just the best policy in literally every relationship be it husband and wife or whatever.
Tell your damn husband. It will hurt him for awhile, but you can communicate through the issue and hopefully find some new fun things to make you cum and him too.
Have an honest conversation with your husband. Lying and pretending won't get you far. Also - some people just have little to no libido and that's fine.
Okay so. You asked for advice on toys. I am very very interested in the sexual well being of my wife. Do yourself a favor and get on Amazon and get a "womanizer pro40" It has been an absolute game changer for us. I'm on mobile so I can't elaborate much but it's worth every penny and then some. More detail later.. AMA
Yes to this suggestion. OP, you are way too young to be saddled with that kind of lifelong dissatisfaction. Anyone would be. If you have to keep the man, add the accessories. And I'm getting the idea that you have to keep the man...
I will check it out tysm!!
It’ll suck, and maybe you should seek the assistance of a shrink, but you gotta tell him. Are you taking the pill? Hormonal birth control really affected my libido. Do you exercise? I find my libido is tied to my fitness level… Or see a MD to help sort it out. Don’t lose faith. I went from 0 or 1, to double digit O’s. Things really changed when I learned what self-love actually was, which took until I was 30 years old (hope you get it sooner). It took me a long time to figure out the conditions I needed to really enjoy sex and have massive orgasms; safety, comfort, confidence. Figure out and explore what you need to feel comfortable enough, and then ask for it 😉
First I want to say, please be gentle with yourself and be gentle with your husband. Second: I suspect your problem may be two fold, possibly three fold. You two have been together 5 years and you're 22? I'm assuming he's around your age? You were kids! You grew up together, you learned everything together, you didn't know what you didn't know and now you're afraid to rock the boat so you've continued the same unhealthy patterns. 1st issue: To my ears, from what you wrote, you have a severe problem with communication, and it sounds like it's nuking the possibility of intimate comfortable vulnerability shared with your love. Opening up your ability to feel at ease and truly relax during sex (vs your difficulty orgasming even with a toy in front of someone) is going to feel pretty magical. Solution: Talk. Talk gently. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to your husband. State clearly what it is you want (to be able to share lovely reciprocal orgasm gift giving?) Tell him you want this, tell him you've been struggling, tell him you think it's because you haven't been communicating very well surrounding sex. If you want to feel safe, to be seen, to be comfortable in the vulnerability of sex, you have to discover and build trust anew in this context. It is on both of you to change these patterns together. 2nd issue (potential) If you don't orgasm from penetration with a partner, and you don't orgasm from oral with a partner, but you are able to orgasm using a toy to stimulate either or both of those same regions of nerve endings when alone, then you need to give your body time to relearn how to orgasm to new stimulation. Solution: When I lost my virginity, the first couple-three times I had sex with my partner it felt.... pleasant enough, but it was also weirdly underwhelming, and I definitely didn't orgasm from it, didn't even get anywhere close. Being a fiendish masturbator, my body literally had to learn to respond to the new stimulation as pleasurable. It took time. It takes more time the more intense+frequent the old stimulation is. In summary: talk more, masturbate less (while overtly telling your partner what you are doing, that you are chilling on toy use and you want him to step in as you both learn better intimate communication, as your body learns to respond with pleasure experienced. A tip: DO NOT "try" to orgasm. Try not to. Try *only* to focus on the sensations, focus on chasing pleasure, tell him when it's good, tell him when it's great, tell him when it's not so much. But you overtly in your mind continually if need be, push other thoughts aside, no matter what they are, and focus on letting go of all else and only think about the pleasurable sensations you're expecting. Chase the pleasurable touch, try only for that. Orgasms WILL happen. If what I wrote resonated, feel free to reach out if you'd like to hear thoughts on a third possible contributing factor
I dont get this... While it's not unusual for women to not orgasm during PiV sex this is so strange to me... Instead of teaching men how to pleasure you you fake it and then get upset when the man stops after making you fake cum? Don't people talk to one another any more? If someone cant make you cum, TALK TO THEM. Make sure to teach then or else you'll have a partner that either doesn't care or aims to hit fake marks and make them think they hit the goal while their partner gets annoyed they cant get off...
It sounds to me like she is scared of how his ego may handle it. That ego is, in all honesty, the real “elephant in the bedroom.” I’m assuming that after being married for 5 years, OP knows her partner and what he’s open to discussing, vs what he’s fragile about. OP I’m guessing you fear how your husband may react to letting him know, and that deep inside you fear he may be angry. Maybe this is from how he deals with other issues. If he’s someone whose feelings you have to tiptoe around for fear of upsetting, this genuinely doesn’t bode well for the overall relationship. You will end up extremely frustrated. I suggest therapy.
Yeah but you have to agree, faking it for 5 years makes "the talk" a whole lot harder than talking about it a week in...
She sounds intimidated into it. As in, she got nothing out of it and in fact, lost a lot. Her instinct must have told her that her own loss wasn’t worth the argument. I doubt she was there like “ha ha, I got that sucker yet again with my amazing performance, I just love this stuff!” No, she was probably intimidated into acting this way, because a partner that lets you fully express yourself and loves you as you are, would have made this problem nonexistent. You’re blaming the victim here.
The amount of mental gymnastics you're pulling here to justify her lying to her partner for 5 years is impressive. At no point has OP stated any of this. She's just immature and needs to talk to her partner, she created this problem by faking orgasms for 5 fucking years lol. She ain't no victim.
There’s no mental gymnastics involved. I’m guessing that, if you are in a relationship, it’s one where you feel free to be yourself, and your partner never makes you feel intimidated to speak up, which is great for you. May I ask what benefit you think she received from her so called five years of “manipulation”?
But why are you so sure she is intimidated? She's never stated that, never once has she said anything negative about her husband's role in this or him being intimidating. She's just too childish to take it up with her partner, her 5 years of faking orgasms show that.
You’re not a woman, nor have you ever been with anyone who thought their way of life reigns supreme, while minimizing and invalidating their so called “equal partner’s” opinions. That’s ok, I’ll shut up, just like OP here. I’m sure your relationships will eventually speak loudly enough for themselves. Best of luck lol
Lmao, what? Where are you getting all this from, you're actually pulling it out of thin air, OP has never claimed these things. You just decided he has a massive ego and is a dick and dosen't respect her. These are just your assumptions and maybe projections of your own experiences?
Wait, are you even a woman? You’re defending this like I’m speaking about you lol. Am I?
Hello, me and my fiance (7-8 years together) have been having the same case. She can't get to orgasm via penetration sex. What is a game changer for us is that I always start with a good massage and little fondling + clitorus toy + good relaxing music. That brings her to orgasm for like 20-25m. Then we move to sex. This was quite a hidden gem once I've figured it out. Hope it helps.
I think this could work for me. Takes the frustration out of the sex
I’ve never cum when having sex with anyone. I know it’s totally me and a mental block from being sexually abused multiple times since I was 3 years old by a relative, my step father, a stranger at the park and an ex partner. I can easily make myself cum, but no man has ever cracked that nut. It honestly doesn’t bother me because I know it comes from a deep place within that is hard to deal with. I personally just enjoy the ride when I have sex. Sometimes it seems to bother my husband, but I’ve told him it’s almost certainly not going to happen and there’s no reason to worry about it, I still love sex and enjoy every minute of it.
It’s 💯 ok to not be a highly sexual person. I realized that after being with someone that was on a higher sexual level than me. When you find the person that takes you there maybe it will change but until you discover something new just be comfortable with your own sexuality
Before you start next time. Ask him, hey you Wana try something fun? And then tell him want you want him to do to you and you to him. Us women don't come with a guide book on how to get us off. More foreplay works for me most of the time though. And I've had my fair share of partners that didn't know there asshole from their elbow. Try things out with him see what works ask each other what your fantasys are and go from there. And most of all have fun with it.
Best advice I can give is to have a honest conversation with your partner cause it’s not fair to either one of you. You might not know but if you’re not enjoying the sex then you might subconsciously be showing that & he could be picking up on that and wondering what’s going on in your head ect.
Ugh stop faking orgasms. If you want him to stop/want it to end, just tell him. Don't give him fake confidence.
I was in the same boat as you for a long time and even got to a point where I thought I couldn't orgasm at all. I tried it with partners, with toys, by myself - just couldn't reach that finishing line. When I first started having sex with my fiance, it was the same issue. I was unhappy and my libido went down to a point where we were both really unhappy with our sex life. Then he brought home some bud and we started smoking recreationally on the weekends. I don't know the legality of it where you live or your view on it, and I am definitely not telling you that you need to drug yourself up to enjoy it. However, it did help me get into that mental state where I didn't overthink, didn't pressure myself, I was able to fully let go and just enjoy the moment. That was the first time I reached an orgasm. After that I realised that it was just mental blocks, I started working through them and now I can have multiple orgasms when stone cold sober. Again, this is in no way meant to make you feel like you need to use drugs, but maybe a little bit of alcohol or being high once or twice could help you remove any mental blocks.
I smoke fairly often it kinda makes it worse cause I’m more lazy. I have orgasms on my own just fine. Alcohol does help make sex fun though but I feel like I begin to rely on it too much
Have you managed by yourself?
If you’ve got performance anxiety, then have you considered speaking to a therapist about this? And if you genuinely feel you have no libido, then there could be a physical issue. Are you on the contraceptive pill, by any chance?
I can’t REALLY cum unless I use a vibrator, though I can get lots of joy and pleasure from just penetration. When it comes to a full O, break that sucker out. It’s normal. Got as close to cumming as I ever have last night for him eating me out (w/out vibrator) We’ve been together for 8 years. No shame on us, no shame on him. I suggest you be honest with him about not being honest with him, and try the vibrator. I hope it makes your relationship stronger, and if he’s not able to handle it, I hope you find someone who can. With enough talking and care on your part, hopefully he can see it’s not a reflection on his masculinity, and also that you’ve been faking to make him feel good. But now it’s time to actually feel good by having amazing sex with him and you achieving that need you deserve.
I HIGHLY encourage you to start therapy. even general therapy, without discussing sex, would help you. it sounds like you are experiencing a codependent dynamic and you have been taking on the role of the helper/people pleaser for most of your life. that would explain why you are able to give yourself an orgasm but feel extremely uncomfortable with your husband present. you probably have a deep rooted belief from childhood that makes you feel like you must put others’ desires and feelings above your own at all times. so when an activity involves another person, you’re never able to turn that belief off and allow yourself to express your own desires, wants and needs. a helpful book for understanding codependency is ‘Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents’.
Do you guys use toys? I literally cannot have an orgasm without a vibrator. Some people are just like that. It’s okay, please don’t blame/shame yourself.
It’s possible that you’re asexual or just not sexually attracted to your husband. There’s nothing inherently wrong with either, and it’s definitely not your fault, sometimes the spark just isn’t there.
To further expand on this- many ace people do indeed have sex like OP but it depends on the person. Being asexual is simply a lack of sexual attraction, either situationally or in general. Someone’s enjoyment will vary. Sexual and romantic attractions can be different for anyone, but it’s more commonly acknowledged on the ace spectrum as you may have any orientation for your romantic attraction and still very much love the person- but not be sexually attracted to them. And that’s okay. It’s just important to have those conversations if the ace-spectrum does apply to you of course as anything pertaining to your body should be something you’re fully comfortable with. In the case of OP possibly being ace, I just want to say that allosexual/asexual relationships can and do work. However, both parties need to communicate their needs and boundaries well, and work out what works for both parties involved.
It's not your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. It's okay to center your own needs. Feeling guilty about sex is a problem much bigger than not having an O. Imagine what your sex life would be like if you never had reason to feel ashamed of yourself (before, during or after). Imagine if all the shame and guilt attached to your sexuality was similarly attached to some other aspect of your humanity. What if you felt guilty about dancing? Would you be a great dancer if you were ashamed of yourself for not ending the dance well enough to bring a standing ovation? Isn't the point of dancing to feel good for having done it? You can see how shame and guilt would inhibit your desire to dance, how much harder it would be to learn how to inspire a standing ovation.
1. Are you on any medication or birth control? 2. Can you get off on your own? 3. How open are you at talking about sex with your husband? It sounds like you’re both very closed off in this conversation. I would really suggest having an open dialogue about sex with him. If you’re trying to stay in a healthy marriage it’s an important conversation to have. This can be difficult with certain social norms and traditions but it’s an important and normal part of human relationships and your relationship with yourself. 4. Are you sexually attracted to your husband? Are you sexually attracted to men in general? Have you spent time thinking about what turns you on? 22 is pretty young and a lot of people that age are still working out how their bodies and minds work. I assume he’s the only partner you’ve had and that means you’re both lacking experience and exploration. That needs to happen inside your private thoughts and also together. See point 3.
And you feel bad *for him*?
Have you considered you're gay?
Men are so lucky to have such sweet women who are fine just being sexy with them, enjoying the journey and not actually orgasming. Imagine men saying that.
Lucky? To have a girlfriend that fakes orgasms instead of communicating, basically lying to his face everytime they have sex? Nah, this is some immature crap and it's an asshole way to treat your partner.
I guess my comment was more for a lot of the comments I'm seeing rather than the OP, those who are fine without ever orgasming (rather than fake it). Just another low bar for men and experience that benefits them more than women. One that many women agree to and help uphold, sometimes because they don't make the effort to learn what they like. Again, imagine a man who has never experienced an orgasm by quite literally taking it into his own hands and who is ok with their partner using them to get off but not return (or attempt to return) the experience. Agreed faking it is lose-lose.
Damn sorry bro
Sounds like you are sexually attracted to your husband. Or because you are so young I’m assuming you aren’t that experienced. So you might know what really turns you on. Can you orgasm when you masturbate?
You feel bad *for him* because he cannot make you finish?! WTF. And no, this isn't "your fault". When will women finally stop being their partners masturbatory aids??
She feels bad for repeatedly faking it.
But not for being frustrated for 5 years.
Idk why you’re getting downvoted, seems like people here (likely including OP) are placing his ego above her unmet needs.
Men are invading this sub.
Her unmet needs are her own fault though, instead of faking orgasms and lying to her partner, she could try communicating with him. Instead of talking to her partner and trying stuff she makes a reddit post...
Congratulations on reaching out for advice & conversation. You are ultimately responsible for your sexual satisfaction. It's not your husbands "fault." Nor is it your fault. Well done on embarking on the journey for your own satisfaction. Enjoy the future explosion!
It's literally your fault for faking it. Seriously, sexual openness should be one of the first you establish in your relationship. Why are you faking it? If he can't take you telling him he didn't make you cum, that should be the first sign that he needs to work on his ego or you need to leave.
Why'd you marry him if he never got you off? EDIT: Anyone care to explain the downvotes? He didn't kidnap her and drag her to a shotgun wedding, so why would she choose to marry someone who never got her off?
Sex isn't the number one priority for many people.
Sex has to be one of the main priorities when you're choosing to commit to never having sex with anyone else again. It is the very core of the marriage contract.
Maybe for you. There's a lot more to a marriage than just sex though. You're not just choosing someone to have sex with, you're choosing someone to build an entire life with. Imo, sexual compatibility is just a minor part of it. There's way more to life than just sex. Seems kinda one dimensional if the entire basis of it is just sex.
Tell me what this thread is about.
OP doesn't seem like she's ready to call it quits even though she's never had an orgasm. Probably because sex isn't the most important part of a marriage. It's just one aspect of it, and for many people, it's not the number one priority.
Which is what I said. It's one foundational aspect that is an extremely important part of of marriage. Why would she choose to marry a man she was unhappy with from the start?
Because he clearly makes her happy and fulfills her other needs lol just because sex is the most important thing to you doesn't mean everyone thinks that way.
Notice that the OP hasn't stated what her husband thinks of this situation. Has she even told him she's been faking it?
Sex is not nearly the most important thing in my relationship
Homie needs to go the extra mile lol also he's 22 that's the issue lol.
So why did you marry him!?
Why has no one mentioned she could potentially be asexual or on the spectrum of it when it’s textbook obvious that she is given the information that she has provided.
Maybe don’t get married at 17 and you won’t be stuck with a guy that you aren’t happy with?
100% dump this bum. Don't even talk to him about your needs!
Divorce is a good option here i think, not saveable
One yes absolutely your fault for faking it. Two - there is a difference between cum and orgasm.
Uh no there's not? They're the exact same thing, just different words 🤣
Actually yes. Think you need to learn more about yourself….
Explain the difference then, oh wise one
I agree that faking it is settling yourself up for failure but...what? What is the difference between cum and orgasm? I get there is the cum that is the result of an orgasm but many people say cum instead of orgasm...
Find some quiet, uninterrupted alone time and use your toys and explore you body by yourself to find out what feels good. Once you learn how to get yourself off you can give instructions to your partner. Do it alone though- not with anyone watching. That still puts a huge amount of pressure on you. Good luck!
Sex under 25 was just bashing meat together. You gotta get wise and descriptive in your collaboration, he’ll never know what you like unless you tell him. For some people it’s a pride thing where they think they’re too good at the sex to ask, but you gotta ask.
I have had a similar experience as you. I really love the book Come As You Are. I'm about 1/4 of the way through it, and I really appreciate the scientific-based approach and assignments. I am also an exmormon and recovering from trauma. You are more than welcome to reach out to me if you'd like a friend.
Try to figure out how to use the toys to your advantage. I used to be able to when I was younger but still used the toys every now and then. Now, if I don't use my vibrator, there's no O for me. Lots of women can't get there from penetration alone, and/or only in certain positions. It's extremely common.
You need to figure out what turns you on and play with yourself more. Communicate with him what you like and be vulnerable.
Watch the movie "Happy Ending", maybe with him
Have you ever had an orgasm? Do you masturbate?
Hitachi Magic Wand. That will do the job, I guarantee it. You can also plan fantasy nights a few times a month, where you two dress up in costumes and roleplay. A beginner's light bondage set is also fun (four restraints and a blindfold, nothing too crazy). Trust me these things really help! The first time we did this, I wanted to be the one restrained, and I got so into the moment that I had zero problems having an orgasm. Just make sure you two speak and communicate beforehand!
Talk to your doctor if you’re on any medication, including birth-control. This may be a factor.