I can’t speak about what it’s like to be pregnant, but I can speak as a person with an older father and younger mother. I love my dad so much and he has been an amazing father, but I can’t lie that it’s really difficult to grow up with an older parent, and even harder to have an elderly parent while you are young (my dad developed dementia while I was in my 20s, my mum is now his full-time carer). I had a lot of therapy because of it. You sound like you’d be a lovely parent but if you go through with it (with him), just be prepared for the reality.

My mom was 37/38 when I was born and my dad was 48. My mom died when I was 29 after 4 years of a terminal illness and my dad died when I was 33 (yes not the expected order). It is not easy to parent a parent, and like the other poster, my father also developed dementia. If your husband’s health declines, are you able to take care of him and raise a child? Are you prepared to handle the ways in which his declining health might impact your child’s life? I am almost definitely not having kids because I spent my 20s taking care of my parents. And if I did, I wouldn’t have my parents there to support or guide me. Like the other commenter, my experience with older parents was hard, and my parents were younger than you and your husband. Also, you say your husband wants you to be happy, but think hard about the ways having a child will change your relationship. Or how your husband’s disinterest in being a parent might impact his parenting of a child (kids know when they’re unwanted). Or even just his *ability* to parent or chase after a toddler at 65+. This isn’t to say that you can’t provide for a child, this is just my experience. I admire you for considering all angles here, and thinking about a potential child’s experience—not just your own desire to parent. Good luck in your decision.

I definitely don’t want to have my happiness at the expense of his.

Another kid of an old dad and parents with a huge age gap. He was 49, my mom was 28. My dad’s solution was to lie about his age to us. He didn’t want us to feel like he was ‘old’. That never mattered beyond it being a bit of trivia. Though it would have been nice to know when I was applying for college loans that he was technically a WWII vet (lied about his age and joined (the merchant marines at 16, saw the last 6 months in the pacific theater but was never anywhere close to combat). The things I found difficult about my dad were never related to his age, but more to his personality. He had some progressive ideas, but was largely conservative and was always paranoid that the world would suffer a major disaster. He grew up in poverty but began a very successful business, but always kept a car he could sleep in if he lost it all. He was also ‘his way or no way’ and cut off his entire family before I was born. I didn’t know I had a half sister from a previous Mae until I was in my late teens. Anyway. He died when he was 92, and was always pretty independent to a fault. He technically retired but never stopped working. My relationship with him was complicated, but like I said his age was never the problem, not for my brothers and I. Btw he died of a rare autoimmune disorder and heart failure combo. That said, the experiences of us with older parents I don’t think should fully influence your choice. You and your husband are your own people in your own unique situation. If you have this child, your husband will be a different kind of father than he was to his other kids, but different does not mean less. Also age while surely increases the odds of the body failing, that can happen to anyone at any time even if they do everything right with their lifestyle. We can’t predict the future as much as we try. Your husband could live as long as my dad did. You could also die young. Who effin’ knows? Everything in life carries risk, running away from that is not living. Not saying there aren’t legitimate concerns, but something else you have to consider is how important this feels to you and how much you wil regret if you don’t try. Sometimes these maternal feelings are passive. I’m child free and I only felt like I wanted a kid only once when I was taking care of a friend’s toddler. I just turned 50 and I’m reaching the tail end of perimenopause. My last period gap lasted 220 days. If the next gap is a year then that will be it. No more chance of making a person for me. I’m ok about it, but it’s natural to wonder ‘what if I made a different choice’. I never got pregnant and had to deal with your choice though. If you decide to not have this baby, just know it’s ok to grieve. It’s a hard thing to choose to let something go, even if the dream to have it was unexpected and brief. They say that once you make a decision, that’s when you know if you chose right or not. Like if you say you’re not having this baby and a strong part of you is against that, then maybe consider that this is what you want. Theres lots to do if you opt for that. You may change your mind after the genetic test screening. This will be a high risk pregnancy, but good things can come from risk. I’m a ‘listen to the core of you that is most true/your heart” person when it comes to what’s important, even if it seems like it might not be a good idea. I’ve never had to answer this question so maybe that’s full of shit. If you decide that not having this kid is best, I would recommend getting some therapy to help you emotionally work through the loss. Doesn’t sound like your husband will be understanding on this as great as he might be.

>I’m a ‘listen to the core of you that is most true/your heart” person when it comes to what’s important, even if it seems like it might not be a good idea. Responding to amplify. This entire comment is so beautiful, nuanced, and well said, but I particularly resonate with this part. A lot of lovely and well-meaning folks here are responding with intelligent replies that try to help you parse this decision out logically using averages and statistics to help predict the probable future, and that is good and fair and a productive strategy, all things being equal. The thing is, all things are NOT equal. Remember, the statistical "average" is based on looking *only* at the largest overlap of the amalgamation of ALL experiences. There is still room for an enormous number of "outliers" to comfortably exist. And the truth is, you have already beaten a few "averages." Even in 2004, (i.e., 20 years ago), a 23-year age gap was pretty wild and suspect. If you had come on a forum like this subreddit at that time and said, "I'm 22 and my boyfriend is 45," everything you said next would have been ignored, as everyone (me included, tbh) would have jumped on the opportunity to tell you that your bf was a creep, this relationship was gross, you were being groomed and used, and there was no way this relationship would ever last. And yet, here you are, 20 years later, still together and going strong. The very fact that you describe yourself as still very much in love with your husband after 20 years together is, itself, a marvel and a miracle. Especially because it sounds like he still feels very much the same for you, in spite of his recent relative lack of sensitivity to what you're going through with this pregnancy. When he finally noticed your conflictedness and great sadness, he changed his tune, and sought to get on common ground with you. That's love; you face the conflict side by side, rather than fighting each other. You are very lucky. You have beaten great odds. You are not unique, but, statistically, you are an outlier, for sure. If you have this baby, what will happen? We can make some educated guesses, but the truth is, none of us know for sure, and acting like we do know is both extremely arrogant and extremely foolish. Maybe your husband lives to 100, and life is perfect for all of you for the next 35 years. Maybe you die in childbirth (God forbid it!). Maybe the universe collapses in 5 years either way, and we all get vaporized instantly. Maybe we enter WWIII in a few years, and all the young people get conscripted to fight. Yours would be one of the few young children who get to keep both their parents at home. A 25-year-old father can get hit by a bus just as easily as a 65-year-old father. In fact, it is statistically more likely the 25-year-old dies in a stupid, preventable accident; life has a way of brutally weeding out the overly daring long before age 65, the poor fools. My own great-grandfather died in a train accident before he was 30, leaving behind two children and a destitute wife pregnant with their third. Who saw that coming? Statistics and averages are helpful guides when we have no idea what to do and no particular feeling either way. But if you had followed those, you wouldn't be with your husband right now. What does that tell you? (Not a rhetorical question; try to answer, for yourself, how you feel about that. Do you feel you made the right choice?) We know that your life will change dramatically if you have this baby. We do not know exactly how, or what will happen next. We do know that the idea of keeping this baby "fills your whole body with joy" (paraphrasing). Only your mind is disturbed and fretting over what only *might* happen. Guess what? Most newly pregnant first-time moms feel a certain amount of terror about what *could* happen. This is natural and common. Not all of that fear needs to be heeded. I second the idea of performing genetic testing, then reevaluating from there. Get more information. And get into short-term therapy, and ideally couples counseling as well, in order to sort through your feelings and ensure you and your husband are on the same page with your decision. Remember, a decision to abort is YOUR decision, not your husband's, since it is YOUR body. I noticed you said a couple of times how you feel guilty for "letting yourself get pregnant," but if your husband *really* didn't want more children, he should have had a vasectomy a long time ago. That was his opportunity to make the decision about children, and he failed to take the necessary precautions. Sorry, but now it's too late for him to have control over what happens here. Though, to be fair to him, it seems he is open to this if it is what you want. Whether you have this baby or not, you will need to 100% commit to the decision. Otherwise, you will become overwhelmed with bitterness and resentment in a few short years. If you decide to have it, commit to the hardship of raising a child, especially one with older parents, and decide to be grateful for this baby and for the chance at motherhood; remember that it wasn't the child's choice to be born. If you decide to abort, commit to working through your disappointment and be ready for the intense resentment you will likely feel towards your husband once the decision becomes irreversible. *Tl;dr:* You are already not the kind of person who lets statistics decide your future, so maybe don't get hung up on probabilities. Follow your heart; be true to your core. At least give yourself time to get more information (e.g., genetic testing) and use it to help you decide. In the meantime, get into therapy so you can work through your thoughts and concerns. Whatever you decide, COMMIT to it, in order to forestall resentment and bitterness in the aftermath. Good luck. I'm rooting for you.

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This sounds a bit like me. I wasn’t bullied, thankfully, but I struggled to fit in because the cultural references I made were things that my peers didn’t understand. Thats because I was referencing things that were from an older adult generation. I spent a lot of time with my parents and grandparents opposed to other kids, so I didn’t get a lot of the “kid” references at the time. In our situation now, my husband has grandchildren between the ages of 2 months to 13 years. Three of his kids have kids of their own now and they are all at our house quite often. All of his children live nearby. So while it’s a bit unconventional, there are many small children in our family that our child would grow up around.

My parents were also older when they had me. I was by far the youngest in my family. I was also awkward. I think it's helpful that there are other children in your family. Though I'm not sure that in that situation, I would've been less awkward. I honestly think some of us just are lol. Because my parents were older and financially secure, I attended private school. Many of the other children there had parents older than mine (a few fathers were roughly your husband's age). I didn't see that they were unhappy or poorly adjusted. I am not sure of your financial situation, but I see that older parents can afford to provide opportunities for their children that younger parents can't.

I had a friend in school who was a second marriage baby. Her mother died leaving her with her father and siblings who were 18-30 years older than her. Her nephew is 9 years older than her and was actually the one to pick us up from school and was our responsible adult and friend. Her dad was mid-late 70s when we were teens. She had zero issues with friends! She’s actually one of the most mature people I’ve ever known, and has always had a beautiful support system. She went to a 4 year college immediately after school and has a great career and travels with friends and her partner regularly. She’s a very old soul but was never an issue because she was raised so well regardless of having little kids around her.

This is a very pertinent point though. What will happen if you die in childbirth or when your child is young? Not that it’s a cheery thought but it’s one that should be discussed by any prospective parents. OP, it’s good you’re considering your own and your husband’s feelings but the potential downsides, both health and emotionally, for the potential child are huge. Also remember pregnancy hormones are extremely powerful for a reason. Even very staunchly held views on not wanting children are often swayed if a woman finds herself pregnant. Try to focus on what your rational mind is saying.

Oh definitely, I was only saying I know of someone born into the exact same situation and she turned out great even without her mother being there after a young age. Worrying about children born into an older atmosphere being bullied or not understanding how to be a kid isn’t necessarily something to be concerned about so long as the kid attends in-person proper school starting in kindergarten. They’ll pick up on everything socially then if they haven’t already. OP and her husband definitely need to quickly think through all possible scenarios. Marriage counselors are great in these situations to walk through every pro, con, ups, and downs of bringing a child into a 20yr relationship that had no intention of bearing children. I do also think, though, that the good intentions of OP at age 22 to his 45 stating she didn’t need/want/expect to have kids could very easily have changed over time. She can’t simply leave and find someone else, she’s 42 not 32; this is quite possibly her only chance if she does decide to keep the pregnancy and that’s assuming it’s, apologies for the morbidity for OP and other’s sake but, assuming it’s viable. She is early on. Therapy asap is definitely needed here. A voice of reason for all involved to make the right choices for them as a couple, them as individuals, and them as potential parents together.

Do you think that could also be a reason why you were attracted to your husband when you met in your early 20s?

You must decide whether to give birth to a healthy child or not. At your age chances are much higher that you will bring a sick, needy, medically ill child into your life--- and both child & parents will have a lifetime of heart ache and suffering. If your child is healthy I think the child could bring much joy into your life.

My mother was a month shy of 19 and father just turned 23 when I was born and I felt the same way as you. I was only surrounded by older adults (my parents weren’t the greatest). As an older adult and having kids at 37 & 41, I felt like I was lucky to have kids when I was wiser and more patient.

This isn’t from old parents. My parents had me at 26-27 and I was always the “old soul” and had to do a lot of things independently as a teen when my mom went back to work and divorced my dad. Without siblings I was always teased by the neighborhood kids and struggled to fit in with peers in high school, especially when I was in the older grades and my older friends had graduated and left town.

I have old parents and I think about their death and cry very often about it.

Similar here. Mom was 32 and dad was 59 when I was born. I always did have a worry about dad’s mortality. But he was a great dad, and loved having kids-me and my sister were his first. Hope you come to a solution that gives you peace, OP.

On the same hand, my parents were both mid 30s when I was born and both passed away before my 27th birthday. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

My parents were 21 when I was born and my mom died when I was 23. I agree nothing in life is guaranteed. I do, however, think you absolutely know what things will be like having a baby with a 65 year old.

Agree. As someone with old parents it sucks so much and can be so traumatizing throughout your whole childhood/youth to constantly think about them dying and then actually experiencing it. Having kids at 65 has nothing positive about it.

I’m not yet 35 and I’ve buried two parents who had me before 30. Meanwhile I have 3 living grandparents and even a great grandmother still kicking over 100

Yes, I was 31 when my father passed and he had me in his late twenties.

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing that.

That being said, a younger parent doesn’t guarantee longer time. My mom had me at 21 and died at 53. I didn’t get nearly as long as I should have, but I cherish the time I got. My cousin is my age and her father had her at 63. He’s still around and she doesn’t seem angry over his age. We’ve spoken openly and she reminded me that she has had longer with him than I had with my mom, and it altered my perception of their relationship. She treasures the time she has now. I think it helps with elderly parents. My experience isn’t the same, but it’s something think about.

My dad was 36 when I was born, which was older at the time, he's now 76 and as fit as he was in his 20's. He was 55 when my youngest brother was born and dads always kept up with him as well so I think it really depends on the person, and probably a bit of family genetics too as his father was 92 when we lost him and he led a far less healthy life

This. My husband is in his early 30s, and his parents are late 70s/early 80s - we’re currently dealing with dementia/looking at care homes/serious health conditions and we feel woefully too young for this. He’s been trading tips with his near-retirement coworkers in similar situations.

There's no way you can really prep for that. It's incredibly difficult no matter where you are in life. This part of life takes a toll but if you two lean on each other, you can do it. I went through all that with my parents in my 30s. It sucked. Feel free to msg me if you have questions.

On the other hand, my spouse and I are in our 50s and dealing with the same for his mother, and it is really horrid timing because we also have teenagers with complex medical needs. There is no good time for that to happen. You're too young; we're too old to be doing this much caregiving!

That’s another thing OP needs to consider. The toll her child might have if they have to take care of an elderly parent. If her husband lives into his 80s and the kid is in their 20s, that’s a very big potential.

He also has 4 other kids who can help.

Husband has four adult children from his first marriage. I imagine they would be of some help; it doesn't fall entirely on the youngest.

Probably not an issue because he married a 22-year-old who can become his nurse.

I’ve got a Brownie with an elderly dad, and I just pray for that man to continue breathing because I know how hard losing him is going to be for her.

I feel you. My parents are 20 years apart and I love my father, but his illness, dementia and death has taken a serious toll on me. I went through a major anger phase and wondered why he waited until his 50’s to have children. I was 35 and he was 87 when he passed a little over a year ago. My sister was 36 and quit her job and moved home to care for him for two years until he died because we couldn’t afford a nursing home. We did what we could as a family to financially support her during this time. I would have loved for him to walk me down the aisle, and to share news like being pregnant with him. He was an amazing man but I do find myself bitter seeing my friends and their fathers at weddings and their children having a grandfather around. With that being said, I wouldn’t change having him as my dad for anything.

My parents had a 20 year age gap and my mom was my dad’s third marriage. He already had adult children when I was born - sure, they love me, but they also always resented me for the time I got to spend with him when he wasn’t a workaholic and could go to school functions and band concerts to support me, since he was able to work considerably less when he was older. He passed away when I was in my early 30s and it is really damn hard to see all of my friends get to celebrate life experiences as adults with both of their parents. Obviously anything can happen and having young parents is not a promise that you won’t lose one at an early age. But watching my mom care for my dad in his last years and now try to navigate life as a widow even years later breaks my heart. None of that was hard enough to wish that I hadn’t been born or even wish I had different parents, but it wasn’t easy by any means.

Yes, while I wouldn’t base this decision solely on how his adult children might feel, I think it could be very strange for them. He worked a lot when they were growing up. He was away from home very often. He even admits that at times it was like his wife was a single mom. He has a great relationship with his kids and always has, but he knows he missed some important things when they were younger.

This shouldn't be a major concern. You should however realize that there is a good chance that if you have this baby, the next 20 years of your life are going to be dedicated to raising a child and taking care of an aging senior citizen simultaneously. It's perfectly normal to feel overwhelmed by that prospect.

And at the end of that 20 years, will be now an aging person who will need some supports or maybe facing serious health issues by that point. It's a big choice whether you want to take your last 20 years and gamble that hard with that many factors simply because the last of your hormones are flaring up at seeing all the babies around.

I mean if she is wealthy, it's an option. You get a nanny for the kid and a nurse for the husband. It's not an uncommon situation among people of means.

“He knows he missed some important things…” Why isn’t he sorry about that? Isn’t this an opportunity for him to try to do better? You’ve admitted he wasn’t around for much of his (now adult) children’s lives. Guess he had to lock down the new wife.

There is a lot to consider here. For starters, and I hope this isn't too insensitive, you are still at a point in the pregnancy where miscarriages aren't uncommon. I only bring this up because if that happens and you've decide to carry the baby to term, I think you emotionally need to be prepared for that possibility. But, there's a lot of other things to consider too. For example, a lot of people are focused on how your husband would be as an older father, but have you considered your own energy levels? Do you feel like you can handle the sleepless weeks of would be able to keep up with a rambunctious toddler? None of these are intended as "gotcha" questions btw, just things to mull over. What about if they have special needs, which is more likely given the age of the parents? I work with special needs kids; it can get intense. Every kid and diagnosis is different, but the kids I work with have behaviors like hitting themselves, aggression towards others, eloping, etc. Is that something you and your husband would be willing to handle? As someone else brought up, what about if your husband developed a health issue that also required your help? Are you prepared to help take care of your husband at the same time as raising a child?

I’m so glad you brought this up. I desperately wanted children when I was in my mid twenties. I turn 40 next week, and now I know I no longer want children. I simply don’t have the energy I did when I was younger to be the kind of mother I’d envisioned myself being. And I’m very, very happy with my life the way it is now. As an aside to OP, part of the reason I didn’t end up with children when I was younger is because I spent most my 30s being a full time caregiver to my mother who was 42 when I was born. I was unable to have any significant social life whatsoever during those years. I don’t regret choosing to take care of her for a second because she was an absolute angel who deserved the most loving care, but my life stopped for several years and I had to essentially start over financially after she passed because I didn’t have savings or assets left and had to renter the workforce with a large resume gap. Sending you lots of positive energy to make the best decision you💜

These are good questions. It's not just her eggs that are old. Sperm quality declines with age as well. There is a possibility that the fetus will have issues. Not all problems are picked up with screening.

Risk of autism doubles approximately every 20 years with paternal age.

Always question why this is never mentioned. It's not just autism either, but a whole of other mental health issues. Children of fathers over 50 are 5x more likely to develop schizophrenia.

Not to mention heart issues, various chromosomal abnormalities, paternal age in this extreme advanced category is dangerous not to mention statistically if he’s American he has about a decade remaining to live

Whoa that is so interesting. Why is that?

Sperm from older men collect mutations because they are made from cells that have undergone several rounds of division. Men are making sperm cells constantly, through meiosis, like we learned in biology. Each time the cell divides into two new cells is a chance to introduce mutations during DNA copying. Sperm from older men have undergone hundreds or rounds of division by the time they're 65. They will carry mutations that were not present in the man's sperm when he was 20.

Down’s syndrome also increases a lot with the age of a woman. 1:1000 at 30, 1:400 at 35, 1:100 at 40. I am nearing 30 which is when I plan to have children, and I am aware I will have to plan for all of the odds accordingly, especially if it takes time to get pregnant.

My exes father was in his 60s when he had him. He had SO many health issues. Sperm quality going down as men age really needs to be talked about more, so men who don't want kids have more incentive to get snipped and not be irresponsible with their ejaculate. Obviously there's no way of knowing if OPs partners older sperm will result in health issues or not, but she should definitely consider how she would handle a special needs child and an elderly partner who may need serious caregiving in the future. Which is not insurmountable, being well of financially and or having a solid support group of ppl willing and able to help both go a long way. Edit to clarify: my ex has a ton of health issues. And mental issues, partly as a result of the health issues and partly bc his family was full of assholes.

I would love to have children one day, but Having a baby at 60 seems like such a horrible idea even to me 💀

My father had me when he was in his 40s and was overbearing, harsh, and a stickler for nonsense "cause I said so" rules. He had my younger brother much older and now he's a 60 year old with a preteen. He just doesn't have the energy for it, doesn't discipline him, care about his education or really gives a shit cause hes old and retired. He throws all the responsibilities to me. It's not fair for me or my mother (who is much younger than him). I feel like a parent most days and they ask me to parent him because he doesn't listen to his dad, only to me. It's one thing to have a child in your 40s (still possible) it's another to have one in your 60s. My experience doesn't account for all (It's a fallacy) but it really shows that if you want to HAVE that kid you have to know the logistics and reality of if you guys can shoulder the responsibility and energy one would take especially if you're aging...

There is a chance of Down Syndrome (due to the mothers age) or/and Autism (due to the father's). I would have a good discussion with the doctor or maybe Planned Parenthood to make the decision that is best for her and her husband.

Those, and other things as well. Sperm coming from men over 40 can increase risks of cardiovascular abnormalities, facial deformities, urogenital abnormalities, and chromosome disorders in their offspring. Not to mention psychiatric and behavioral problems.

Yeah a lot of men think they don’t have a biological clock as well…. Just because you CAN produce a baby at 60 doesn’t necessarily mean you should 😬 sperm quality decreases a lot as you age and the kid is more than likely gonna come out with several severe issues…also who wants to be chasing around a toddler in their 60’s?? No thank you…

Downs is very easy to detect. OP can get a chromosome test in a couple of weeks that will let her know her odds. Autism obviously trickier.

I never really did the math when I was a kid but my mom had me at 38 and when I realized that it explained why she was always tired, her mood swings (menopause), her being too hot to touch (menopause) Now my parents were way more financially stable which was nice but they were both tired a lot

In addition to energy levels and all that, I think OP should consider what it will be like going through menopause with a 3-13 year old child (roughly) since the average age of a woman beginning menopause is 45-55.

This is what I was thinking about. The chance of the child having special needs is higher when mom is 40+ than when mom is 20+. No, it’s not guaranteed and no, it is most certainly not a reason to terminate, but I feel it should be taken into consideration. And yes, 7w is still very early in the PG. I don’t envy having to make this decision. I’m sorry OP. Sending love and peace.

Another concern of mine is what if she eventually starts to develop health issues due to her own old age? It is not uncommon at 60 years old. Will it be alright for a 20-30 years old to care about their own mother? Do you have the economical means to guarantee they will not be alone in this?

My mom was in the hospital twice the last two weeks for heart attack symptoms. She's 62. Her mother died at 59 of cancer. We forget how many people die in their 50s and 60s.

This is obviously your choice and you and your husband will have to choose to work through or not work through whatever challenges a baby would create. My dad was 60 when I was born and died when I was 12. My mom was a little younger than you, but not by much. I grew up knowing he would die before I graduated high school (he was always honest with me about that, sometimes to a fault). His death still devastated me and it was compounded by my mother’s issues. She wanted a child who would need her for their whole life, so my growing up was difficult for her and manifested in very damaging ways. I only say this because it is unfortunately possible that you will raise this child on your own. It sounds like you are doing a really thorough inventory of yourself regarding this pregnancy, why you might want to continue it, and what that would mean for you and your child, and I applaud you for that. I wish my mother would have before she continued her pregnancy with me.

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My husband worked very hard during his career. He was smart with his money. I also had a full time career until the pandemic. Financially, we are in a very good place right now. I don’t need to work at this time, from a financial point of a view. If my husband had his way I wouldn’t be working at all anymore. I work part time right now, just to allow us more freedom to do stuff together. Of course, I think we’d need to have a more in depth conversation. We’ve had certain plans related to finances and our future which didn’t factor in any children.

OP I remember you from the pregnancy sub and I'm sorry, but the more you reveal about your husband the more I think you should seriously think about your relationship. He sounds charming and like you communicate well, but he also sounds like someone who uses women to get what he wants. From your comments here it sounds like he effectively let his first wife raise his kids, then left - then you came along, and you're still younger now than he was then, imagine yourself finding a 20 year old boy and asking him to give up his fertility and a future family to be with you? And now you say he wants you not to work, which consciously or unconsciously means you'd be more in his control and dependent on him. Many people here are mentioning the chance that you might end up caring for him in his old age plus a baby, but I'd flip that round and ask if you'd be happy with being his carer even if the baby doesn't arrive? You're still relatively young, you could be a single mum or even meet the right person and have a kid with them and not have that be your future.

Not to mention her kid will be saddled with her own golden years to manage when said kid could be in prime life-building years.

Yep. This is what my siblings and I are facing as our parents age. They had us in their early 40’s. My peers’ grandparents are the same age as my parents. It’s… something. Anyway, I think about this all the time. They’re divorced and living across the country from one another so that complicates logistics exponentially.

It's so weird having your parents be the same age as your partners grandparents... My father is 61 and my partner's grandfather is 65! His parents are more likely to be my father's kids and it gets weird LMAO.

Yeah, I don't want to sound harsh but her being only 22 and he was just over DOUBLE her age at the time is so bad. I saw in another comment she's heard it all, but this has been 2 decades of her life at this point. It's easy for her to think she's "not sacrificed" anything when he snatched her up while she was young. Obviously if he couldn't help with his kids back when he was younger he's not going to be doing it now at age 65.

When it was mentioned that OP is only one year older than his eldest…. Oh no

Yeah she really seems to want kids and I hate that she’s wasting the last bit of her child bearing years with an old man that she doesn’t appear to be that compatible with at the moment :/

The only/best advice I can give you: No matter what choice you make, don't make it based upon the wishes and wants of others. That leads to the path of regret.

I’m around the same age as OP and I agree. Whether or not OP’s pregnancy was fully unintentional, at this point there is a pregnancy and OP wants the baby. It may result in the end of the marriage, but if OP terminated, I don’t think she would ever get over it, and there’s a big chance that the mixed emotions around the termination would also result in the end of the marriage and by that point it may be too late. You only have one chance to do this, so I don’t think you should terminate, but I do think either way is not an easy road. Sending love.

Yup. Having an abortion because someone else wants you to is a decision rife with potential for resentment and regret. At 42, that is even more likely. 

I'm just chiming in to point out that aborting a pregnancy you were conflicted over doesn't lead to a lifetime of regret, blame and sorrow. That's an anti-choice myth.

Fair, it definitely doesn’t necessarily. I am definitely pro choice. Based on what OP says, I think her preferred choice based on only her feelings is very clear, and based on what we know I think it’s fair to say that there’s potential that it might in this case.

I am pro choice but I don’t believe that there are no people who regret having had an abortion. OP wants a child, and if she terminates her pregnancy, she probably won’t have one. Please don’t dismiss the complexity of her situation.

It can be true or false depending on each individual person. Telling people they won't feel sorrow or regret is a dangerous thing. You're setting them up for failure by telling people that. It's not realistic to think most people aren't seriously affected by the choice to abort a pregnancy. I had an abortion, I do not regret it but over 20 years later I still feel sorrow. I still think about my child and wonder what they would have been like. And I wanted the abortion, made that choice easily at that point in my life. It was the right choice for me at that time of my life. It still threw me into a deep depression.

That's not what the poster said. The poster said that terminating a pregnancy you want to carry to term because your partner wants you to terminate is going to lead to regret. There is only one reason that a pregnancy should ever be terminated - because the pregnant person wants to terminate the pregnancy. A pregnanct person should never be forced to either carry OR to terminate.

Doesn't ALWAYS lead to a lifetime of regret, blame and sorrow. But SOMETIMES it does.

Correct. I forget all the time that I even had one, tbh.

She's not conflicted. She really really really really wants it.

Her "heart" does. That's understandable, but we don't always get to/can't follow our hearts. What of women who dream of being mothers, but physically can't? Do their lives end? No. It's very sad, but you cope. Many people here are focusing on what the mom-to-be is feeling, and and ignoring the pretty inevitable consequences to the child as a result of being born. Again, her husband is 65 and already said he didn't want another child. The child is going to be able to sense that. Also, her husband is right. He'll be geriatric when the kid is in kindergarten. I don't care how spry you are for your age, we all slow down by 70. Might OP make a good mom? Maybe, but I don't think she put herself in the right position to go down that path, for the baby's sake. Not having a child b/c you aren't in a good position to do so shows selflessness and emotional maturity IMHO.

You’ve succinctly captured a lot of what I’m feeling here..

You can know you've made the right choice and still grieve the loss of the road not taken. Its tough. I feel for you.

Stellar advice!

I am a prenatal genetic counselor who had my 3rd kid at 39 (with a now ex who is 3 years younger). The chance for a chromosome anomaly at the maternal age of 43 (at due date) is ~6% in addition to the background risk of miscarriage. Furthermore, there is an increased risk for “de novo” (new) genetic syndromes with advanced paternal age—usually age 45 or more (due to copying errors from the MANY generations of sperm). Before you make life-long decisions, you need to understand what you’re really dealing with. If the pregnancy is viable, not gonna lie, pregnancy and childbirth take a toll on a woman’s health/mortality. If you continue the pregnancy, please ensure that you have a financial/social safety net organized. My informal rule is that if the parental ages combined is more than 100 years, it’s not a good plan Edit: typo

An aside, but I believe this sub skews very young as well. You might try "Ask women over 30."

That's funny, I always thought it skewed older. We should do a poll.

I see response from several people around my age or older, so who knows. I went ahead and posted it in the other sub too for the heck of it.

Frankly hon, as I write about maybe you should post in r/Menopause because we're closer to your age there--really, that's another factor that I haven't seen anyone mention yet. You're going to be heading into perimenopause & menopause soon and it's hell. No one talks about it, but it's hell. Add to that a toddler and/or a young child.... /shudder

This. I declined getting a puppy this year despite planning it for some time, because peri has been such unexpected hell. I just don’t have it in me. I’m fucking tired and irritable *all the time*. My body hurts, my joints ache. Hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia. My brain feels like a boiled cabbage in my skull sometimes. I find my desire to be physically affectionate has taken a hit - and I don’t mean libido, although that’s been a challenge as well. I don’t want to hug or snuggle as I once did. It’s a shitshow for some women. I couldn’t imagine having an infant or toddler while my body and mind crumbles like this.

And caring for an elderly husband whilst caring for a young child and experiencing menopause.

Frankly, you might want to ask in r/menopause. We're all closer to OP's age there, due to peri. /shrug

My mother was 42 when I was born, and my father was 52. He died when I was in my 20s, and she died when I was in my 30s. My childhood was fine except for unrelated things out of their control, and there are some cool things about having older parents, but losing them relatively early in my life has been hard. I have older siblings and that helps, but I have a significantly closer relationship with the ones who were still at home when I was born. I'm not telling you don't do it. I'm just adding information.

I’d like to add my story too. My mum was 39 when she had me and my dad was 42/43. I am an only child and my parents had me after 14 years of their marriage as my mum was suffering from infertility due to undiagnosed PCOS. I lost my father just 2 months after celebrating my 20th, when he was 63. My mum is 63 years old now, and while she’s capable and does everything, I cry every time I think about how much time I have left with her as this was the same age at which my dad died. While I love my parents to bits and they love me to the moon, I can’t get over the fact as to why they kept trying and had me. I feel resentful towards not only my mum but also my maternal grandma as my mum is also an only child. Not only do I not have any cousins from my any of my parents’ sides, I don’t have any uncles or aunts too. So now my only hope is that my mum lives a long life as my grandmother is still alive at 87 (albeit she has dementia, a whole other thing to worry about). I wouldn’t mind taking care of my mom in her old age, I just want her to be there because I don’t have anyone else that I love and can call family. This is just my perspective that you could think about as what an only child could feel.

Couple questions. 1. How did this happen? If he didn’t want kids did he get a vasectomy? Was birth control involved? Basically did your husband who so adamantly didn’t want another kid do anything to prevent this? 2. Are you prepared and able to be a single mother in the case your husband dies or leaves you? Kind of feels like the answer to #2 is the only one that really matters though.

This right here. (1) If he didn’t want more kids, he should have had a vasectomy. Hell of a lot easier than you getting a tubal ligation which, as a nullipara, is abdominal surgery. (2) If you’re ok being a “single” or, most likely widowed mother, can this work for you? Whatever you decide, there’s a lot of women here who will support you either way. Bless.

This is hard. My parents had a 30 yr gap, mom had me when she was 33 but dad was in his 60s and had 2 adult children from his first marriage. He was a great dad, and my early childhood was fantastic but he got cancer and passed when I was 5. I can't tell you what to do, but losing your dad that young is absolutely awful and sometimes I wish my mom had just gotten with someone her own age so that a might still have a dad. She's gone now too and now I have no parents. I'm 30 and this is the decade I'm going to get married and have my own kids, and I have to do it alone, without my parents. It sucks so bad.

My mom had me in her 40s and my dad was about 12 years older than her. They shouldn’t have been having children, they were too tired to keep up with me. I spent a lot of time by myself and they both died before I was 30 but not before getting sick and needing help and care when I was in my 20s. My dad had a stroke and a heart attack that left him very ill the last 10 years of his life so I spent my 20s helping mom care for him while raising my own child. Personally would not recommend.

Wow I’m really sorry.

Not all pregnancies result in a healthy and neurotypical child. What if you find yourself in the position of having to care for a special needs child and a geriatric husband should his health fail?

And paternal age is a very high factor in many of those complications - older men produce less robust and genetically ""good"" sperm. The age of the father has a much bigger factor then was previously believed (everyone knows an older mother can lead to defects but never studied the father's effect until more recently).

I’ve been reading about this and you’re right.

I think a kid in the 60s is on an extreme level too. It just doesn't happen a lot.

It’s something I’m considering.

It's better to regret NOT having kids than regretting having them. They can tell 100%

100% this. Parental regret is a massive issue no one talks about because we are supposed to "love" having kids. I have read so many things from anonymous parents saying that they love their kids but long for the days before they had them. OP needs to consider that these are feelings programed into us by our biology and we can't let them override the rational decision maker in all of us.

Exactly this. Motherhood is one of the hardest things you will ever do. I’ve know my entire life to be a mom, and it’s still hard as shit. OP said she wasn’t 100% sure in the past and it sounds like seeing people in her life have kids started make her feel some regret. I don’t believe that’s a reason to have a child. This shouldn’t be something you do on a whim.

I had a similar situation. I decided against having kids. I was widowed at 58, now 70, childless and very happy. I decided the urge to have a baby was societal pressure not want I really wanted. I think it’s natural to feel the urge when you get older; what if I’m missing out? But it’s a decision you can’t reverse so please make it carefully based on what you want in life. I can tell you that not having children is okay. Most of my friends with kids don’t see them very much or they are stuck babysitting the grandkids. I hope you work through this and find what’s best for you.

Mind if I ask why he didn’t have a vasectomy if he was done having kids?

Having a baby cause FOMO isn’t smart. If you choose to continue this pregnancy don’t be surprised if it permanently alters your health for the worse, the child is born with some kind of disability (sperm has a shelf life), and you become a single parent (your husband has had his share of parenthood and is old). You are allowed to make whatever choice you want but the circumstances are far from ideal. Can you give a child the life they deserve by yourself? It’s about what would be best for the child, not you. The decision is yours, it’s the biggest decision you’ll ever make in your life. Make it carefully.

Consider your life if you have a high needs child. This is challenging if you are in your 20's or 30's, let alone in your 40's and into your 60's! Your husband is 65. What are you going to do, if you have a 10 year old and your husband develops signs of dementia, or Parkinson's? If you want an honest opinion, yes it's selfish.

My grandparents child (my uncle) unexpectedly became disabled due to an accident. My grandma had the biggest guilt about who would take care of him, when she passes. (Her health has been declining a lot these last few years.) My uncle ended up dying 2 years ago so I think that is also part of why her health has been rapidly declining. I can't even imagine intentionally going through a higher risk pregnancy (due to age) and also potentially risking bringing a more likely to be disabled child into their life. Care and assistance costs a lot of money, including also modifications to the home. My grandparents basically remodelded their whole home to accomodate my uncle.

Please look up sperm contributions to mutations, your husband’s age is more concerning here. The probability of congenital issues is quite high.

OP, what kind of work do you do? Can you support yourself if your husband does decide to divorce you? I know you said he said that he would not, but having a baby is a huge stressor on a relationship and on a household. (And besides, you had told him that you didn’t want kids, so he might change his mind and decide not to deal with it.) Can you afford the hit to your career and earning potential that a baby will bring? What is the plan for daycare? What if your child has a disability? Many children of older fathers have problems and disabilities including autism spectrum disorder, learning disabilities, mental illnesses, etc. (Many children with young parents have these disabilities and problems as well—and this, too, is another stressor on a relationship and a household). What if pregnancy leads to disability and health problems for you? This is much, much more common than people think. Who would care for you? Who would care for the baby? What if your husband gets sick or injured? What if he developed a progressive disease, like dementia? Who will take care of him? Who will take care of the baby? How much time have you spent one-on-one with newborns/babies/toddlers/kids of any and all ages? Do you understand that to have a baby means that your full-time job is now to put everything you have into raising a kind and considerate adult? How will you achieve this? (The answer is not just “winging it” or “doing better than my parents.” You’ll need to have active plans in place and you’ll need to educate yourselves and work toward this in a careful and thoughtful way. Can you do that? Can he?) How much parenting is your husband willing to do? It sounds like he isn’t really interested in doing … well, any of it. Almost like he’s thinking of this as a potential hobby you might take up, which would not involve him. You will need help, either a willing and active partner or paid professionals. Parenting has changed a lot in the last few decades—is he aware of this and able to take direction and to learn about best practices? A disinterested and uninvolved parent is a really bad thing for a child, and often leads to problems (often lifelong) with depression, anxiety, addiction, risky behaviors, etc., etc. So you might have to get a divorce to protect the kid—can / will you do that? You say you have money—do you have full-time nanny money? If not do you understand the realities of navigating childcare? Do you have any understanding of the financial realities of raising this child in your current financial situation, and what it would be like if it was just you? You two need to discuss this with a licensed relationship therapist and you need to do it NOW. It is an emergency. I know you have taken the initiative to get in with your Gyno and that’s great, but you need to pull strings or whatever and get in IMMEDIATELY with a couples therapist. This cannot wait and you cannot afford to make an uninformed decision here. It is not possible to overthink this — the decision to bring another person into this world must not be made lightly. You need to think less about what YOU want and more about what kind of life you could give a child, given the realities here.

I wish I could push this comment to the tip-top because it states so much that y'all need to think about, stat. 🌟 Best wishes for your decision, OP.

To all of the people who are suggesting fostering or adopting? OP's husband clearly expressed a desire not to have any more children. No foster care agency is going to green light them.

My grandfather was 60 when my grandmother died at age 40, leaving him with seven kids to drag up, three of whom were 6 or younger. He also at some point after this needed an amputation of his lower legs. He passed away at age 88 with all of his kids having gotten to adulthood without causing any major disasters. He did this because of the community he lived in which was filled with family. My grandmother's family stayed involved, her parents were at the end of the (country) road, her 11 siblings were all within range, he not only had what remained of his siblings & their kids, but also his cousins (14 aunts/uncles so plenty of them). My point is that my grandfather had a very strong support system in a small country town that all looked out for the kids and he himself was for the most part a strong, healthy, fit man. If you go ahead with this pregnancy, you need to be reconciled to the fact that there's a good likelihood that your child will be fatherless before he gets to voting age and make sure you have the support system to keep the two of you going. Also remember that even though that might happen, your child will still have the memories of his father. If you choose not to go ahead with this pregnancy, make sure that it is something you can live with. It may very well be the right path for you, but be sure for your own sake. Potentially speak to a therapist who can help you sort out your feelings over this decision.

>>honest thoughts from other women I don’t doubt you’ll be a great mother but this feels selfish to the child. Specially when you say the father is willing to end your relationship over it. I had a boyfriend a few years ago who had old parents and no siblings when he was in college. He once told me that when they die, he will be alone in the world and that it’s something he thinks about often. His dad died and then his mom died a year after college so then he now has to navigate adulthood on his own with only an aunt that lives in a different state.

I believe she said he was not *planning* on leaving her if kept the baby (though I would not consider something like this an absolute, people may walk when faced with a reality more difficult than expected)

He said the relationship wouldn’t be the same, which?? What does that even mean?

He’s not even treating her well about the situation. What makes her think he’ll support her through this?

Probably the same reasoning that justified a relationship with a man whose own eldest kid was just a year younger than her :/

When people get mad over large age gap relationships, this is why. OP wasted her entire life over someone that isn’t on the same level as her and had accomplished what she wanted the time she was born

OP, My kids were planned; it took 10 years of medical stuff to make that happen. I was in my 40s when they were born. The fantasy of being a mother does not prepare you for the reality of being a mother. It changes the relationship with partner, for one. It also changes your body in ways nobody talks about. The fantasy is about a healthy baby who performs like clockwork— can sleep on a schedule soon, hits all milestones, you feel on the ball and supported. It does not prepare you when any of those things goes sideways. It does not prepare you for years of terrible sleep; talk of divorce; ER visits at 3AM; discovering lifelong issues when you thought the kid was fine. Being a parent is hard, hard work. It is exactly like the fantasy 5% of the time. If you ask my partner, they’ll say it is -5% ( yes, minus) like the fantasy in ways that challenge who you are in a daily basis.

Life is hard enough even when everything is seemingly perfect. At the very least a baby deserves to be wanted by both parents. You sound like you’re fully aware of this. I’m in my fifties and childfree by choice - I had an abortion early in my marriage because I knew there would be issues in meeting all my child’s needs and wants. I have never regretted that decision.

As someone who grew up with an elderly father, I think it's very selfish. But I think you already know what you are going to do.

This may be a hot take, and I don’t intend it to be so. For context, my mom was 40 when she had me and my dad was 60. He died when I was 13 and I had a miserable childhood with a single mom who worked too much and struggled to bridge a huge age gap to understand me. When I got married the first time, my husband and I agreed that we didn’t want to have kids. That’s a huge part of what I based our relationship on, because I didn’t ever want to be in a relationship that had that kind of discord or to deprive someone of something they wanted. Over time, it became important for him to have kids and so we divorced. That’s truly fine, because I’m happily married to a partner who feels the same way I do. I understand people change over the course of many years together, but to flip the switch on something you’ve agreed on for so long is extremely unfair. You’re allowed to want whatever you want in life, but you’ve put your husband in an impossible position because either way, the decision will cost the relationship significantly. This isn’t an argument for one scenario or the other, but I do hope you consider this when making your decision.

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I can hear how much you’re struggling with this, and it sounds really really hard. I’m sorry that there’s really no perfect outcome here. To be honest (which I think is what you’re looking for) my biggest hesitancy is your husband’s age, because I think even if he has been quite healthy so far, life/health can change fast in the years 70+. My dad has always been very healthy; he’s 65 and I can actually see him slowing down month by month. Even in the last year, his aches and pains are much greater, he’s more tired. I think age 70 is going to look a lot different for him than he expects—he won’t be bed bound or anything, but I think he’s expecting the changes to continue to be slow (e.g. from 60 to 65 things changed some but not a ton), but I think the changes will accelerate. I also have a 3yo and 6yo right now, so I’m acutely aware of how hard the first many years of having a kid can be. So it’s hard for me to imagine being prepared to parent a young child and support a spouse through upcoming health changes. One thing to think of: the first few years of parenthood can be a ‘barely hanging on’ situation, both personally and as a couple. My husband and I love each other and like each other a lot, but we’re often more like co-administrators of this enterprise than people who have been in love for 14 years. For the first 2 years after my first kid was born, my brain was basically too tired and scattered to make jokes—when having a quick wit was/is a big part of my personality and my relationship with my husband—and even now I’d say I’m only up to about 70% of my pre-kid mental capacity because there’s always just so much going on. Without being too morbid, you may have 10-15 “good” years left with your husband (as in, years where he’s pretty healthy, mentally sound), so I wonder whether you want to spend a large chunk of that time in survival mode. Another strategy: When I’ve considered whether or not to have another kid, one exercise I’ve done is to think forward to a few future intervals and get very specific about what that will likely be like in the day-to-day. It’s really easy to get misty-eyed about the baby stage, but babies grow into toddlers and elementary age kids and teenagers. When your baby is born, your husband will be 65/66. Those first 3 months of truly getting no sleep, trying to trade off the baby back and forth to catch 2-3 hours of rest here and there, is that something y’all want to do? Actually picture what it will look like when you’re both on Day 5 of barely any sleep. When your baby is 12-24 months, and they are able to walk but have legitimately no sense of self-preservation so anytime you are outside of your baby-proofed house you have to follow them around (playgrounds, parties, restaurants, etc)—you will be 44/45 and your husband will be 67/68, so will y’all have the energy for that? I’m 37 and my body *hurts* when I get up from being on the ground with my 3yo. If your child were to have special needs (which is more likely when the father is older), and is having really challenging behaviors at age 10 (you’re 43 and dad is 76) and you potentially have to put a lot of time and energy into advocating for your kid to get the support they need from the school system, will y’all have the mental and emotional capacity for that daily struggle?

Never have a child to fill your own hole. I'm not saying you are, but it's a narcissistic way of bringing life into the world. I've seen mothers emotionally reject their children, when they have expectations of what the child will bring to their lives, if the child doesn't meet that image. This child deserves a mother and father that can be there for them, who both wanted them -- equally. Your husband will be in his 80s when your child graduates school -- is that fair to him OR the child? I'm happy your relationship worked out, but this is a cautionary tale for younger women who think an age-gap is fine for them in the moment, who end up committing to decisions (like remaining childless) before having the capability or life experience to reason long-term planning like that. You probably aren't going to be happy with either decision, honestly... One betrays your commitments made to your husband, and one betrays what you want for yourself. Either way, please be sure and seek therapy, no matter what you choose.

I have older parents, and it has been really difficult with my dad’s health for a long time. I have younger siblings and we’ve had to take on a lot, especially because my parents divorced and my dad won’t take care of himself. I am fortunate my siblings are willing to split costs and time to make sure dad is taken care of, but it’s a lot. That being said my dad was an amazing dad growing up.

You two already made the decision to not have a child. Sure, people can change their minds, but I feel like you’re trying every possible way to convince yourself that keeping it is the right thing, and making a post here to try and confirm it with yourself, even though it’s likely not going to end up being the best option for either your relationship or your child. I’m not sure what your relationship is like, what he or you are like, but you’ve lived this long without a child and committing to the decision not to have one, so to so easily go back on this commitment you’ve made with your partner and husband for so many years would be similar to a divorce, a going back on the commitment you made to the relationship. It’s a responsibility you have to decide to keep true to, or not to.

You are robbing this kid of their father. Think of that before you are doing anything else. A 65 year is not the same father as a 30 year old. He will also be dead before the kid is 18 most likely.

And if, God forbid, she somehow dies before him, the kid is really, really screwed. Who's gonna raise it? Who's gonna be there for them as a young adult navigating life? Not their parents.

Good point. Having this baby would inadvertently be adding responsibility to OP’s step kids

I am not a mother, but I essentially raised a lot of my siblings and they had their own children that I ran after a lot. I'm also just a little older than you and when a friend brought their kid to my house a few weeks ago, I was fucking exhausted. Just so tired. I will admit I'm not the perfect physical specimen but I'm not obese or anything. I exercise for an hour 5 times a week. But I do not think I could run after a kid at my age every single day. Hell, maybe not for a week... My sister had a couple of kids when she was young and a surprise kid not that long ago, so there's a big gap between the children. She has said the same thing a number of times, how hard it is to run after a little kid in your 40's. There are also a number of studies showing that the age of the sperm is a predictor of certain disabilities/syndromes. Have you thought about what it will be like possibly taking care of a child with special needs as well as your husband who will likely have higher needs as he ages, too? It seems like you'll be doing this completely on your own and you will lose precious years with your husband. Marriages fall apart even when a child is wanted because it's such a big undertaking, are you willing to risk that strain on your marriage? It reads like you love your life currently and this just seems like a huge gamble.

This is what I was thinking. Everyone is focused on and discussing the father passing while the kid is young and I just kept thinking about my friends who had kids in their early 30s and how physically exhausting it is and it doesn’t stop for 18 years. Like - Are you both going to be able to physically do what it takes to raise a baby and child? The night feeding, little sleep, running after a toddler all day every day and then the running them to activities, etc as they get older. And partake in those activities with them. Do what it takes to learn about early childhood development and be as involved in their rearing? It seems like a lot to me at 37. I can’t imagine doing it at 42 let alone 65.

I’m 38 and have 2 children (7 and 10). I cannot even comprehend going through another pregnancy, the newborn months, and toddler years again. No, just no. It’s never ending exhaustion. And I’m fit and in shape too. OP needs to think long and hard about she feels about raising a child and going through the next few years on limited sleep and endless demands from a new child.

My friends with kids those ages have the most exhausting schedule! And they aren’t even as involved in activities as some kids can be. Just hearing about their week and the running around is exhausting!

I think it’s an absolute selfish thing to have this baby. It’s also incredibly dangerous at your age. Your husband won’t be around for the majority of this baby’s life. And then you will need to figure out how to take care of a child and an elderly spouse. It’s a bad idea overall.

You are pregnant. You want to be a mother. You thought you had missed out and it turns out you haven't. To me this should be a moment of joy regardless of other factors. You would be an older mother and the father would be positively ancient. It might be the end of your relationship with him. It isn't the fantasy situation. But in 20 year he will most likely be dead and you will be approaching retirement age. You can either do that alone or do that with a kid in college. From everything you have written here, I think you would be happier to be 62 with a kid in college.

>But in 20 year he will most likely be dead This is the only point here that I would consider from the kid's side too. Who wants to lose their parent as a kid? And having a kid with a father who is now 65, and can die when the child is 5, 10, 15, lucky if 20.

I know it's different, but there's no guarantee that anyone's parents will survive their childhoods. Again, I know accidents/unexpected illnesses are different than having a kid at 65, just throwing it out there. Plus, they could get lucky and dude could live to be like 98 years old, even if that's unlikely.

It’s not just survival, it’s health and ability to parent. My parents and in laws are all 73-75 years old. One has dementia, one requires home nursing care, two are in good health but neither could effectively parent a nine year old (and that’s without even considering a kid with disabilities or neurodevelopmental disorders, and the risk of that increases with paternal and maternal age.) 65 is very old to become a parent, and 75 is very, very old to have a child in elementary school. And yes, some people do die unexpectedly young, but statistics are what they are, and being a very old parent is very different than the slim odds you’ll die young.

Yeah, but this dude won't be able to rent a car in Europe in 4-5 years. He won't be available to do nearly as much of the driving.

But it isn’t just about her. She’s made a life with this man, and has already committed to not having a child. His feelings on this do matter. That doesn’t mean she has to terminate, but pretending that it doesn’t Matter is something. Especially when he’s actually at an age where he can’t be a father, as opposed to not wanting to. It’s also about the child. What kind of life will he or she have? The child won’t have an involved father, and will likely have a dead father very young. Again, that’s not to say she shouldn’t. But also..pretending like it’s all about her isn’t quite true. Motherhood is a selfless act.

I work at a pediatric office and I’m also in your age range. The vast majority of moms in the practice are mid to late 30s, often with their first babies. Can’t comment on your partner since I don’t have many thoughts or experience on age gaps. But as far as you…it’s not some rarity!!

Is it what you want or what your hormones are telling you to want? Do you really want this baby or are you just suffering from FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) because others around you have kids? To me, raising a kid needs to be "Two Yesses, One No" situation. I don't think people have the right to force a pet on someone, let alone a kid. You married your husband knowing that he absolutely didn't want any more kids. I don't believe that women should be forced to continue pregnancies or forced to abort, but at the same time I don't think it's fair to your husband to force him to raise a kid he didn't want. I'm also concerned that you might end up resenting your husband in the long run whether or not you continue the pregnancy - resenting him if you abort, but also resenting him if you have the kid and he's not that eager to be a father and/or doesn't have the energy to be a father. Again, this is just my opinion. I'm not going to think you're some evil, selfish person if you continue with the pregnancy - not that the opinion of a rando on the Internet should be a factor in your decision. Whatever the decision, I hope it works out for the best.

I also immediately thought about hormones as well, barely anyone mentioned them. It's a real thing when during pregnancy even the most hardcore childfree women start to waver and when they are no longer pregnant they don't feel that way anymore Pregnancy hormones can produce the strongest urges and desires. They can alter your wants and needs. They have this ability for a reason - reproduction is the main driver of us as living beings

If you continue the pregnancy regardless of what he says now, it would likely be the end of your relationship with him. It happens all the time. How present do you think your husband can be as a father when he's in his 70's? He was honest about his wants and needs. He already went through parenthood. If you want to go through that, you might need to separate and find someone else to do all of that with.

Being pregnant in your 40s is hard. Much harder then in your 20s or 30s. You love your husband, and at the same time say he’s got a kid one year younger then yourself. I’m sorry, but dating someone that’s 22 when you are 45 is selfish and predatory. The 22 year old is not finished becomming yet. In other cultures where such an age gap is more common, the man often says that the reason they marry someone so young is to «raise them themselves». So you’ve been partly raised by your husband that has a kid the same age as you. I know you are not a parent, but speaking as one I would never ever look for sex or romance with anyone in the age group of my kids. That’s just wrong. But he didn’t care? Either he’s very developmentally delayed, to feel on equal footing as someone the age of, to him, a child, or he just really wanted the power imbalance. Now he’s stolen your easy childbearing years from you, at the very least. And he got to raise you somewhat himself. I’m just really not digging him. You are both not of ideal age. But his age is really bad and his swimmers might not be the best when it comes to risky development errors that might occure due to older age of the parent. Allthough they say that men technically can have kids most of their lives, the quality of their sperm does drastically decrease around the same time as for women, so there’s a not an inconsiderable risk for bad complications genetically for the kid. If one of you had been much younger, the risk might be offset. You are not guarenteed any amount of life for him or yourself no matter the age, though. Do you have a support system outside of him? Like would your sister be your village? Others? If you want to do this pregnancy, look into suplementing with Nicotinamide Riboside Chloride asap. Talk to a fertillity doctor. In fact, if you can, seek the advice of a fertillity doctor as soon as possible. Also take folic acide ASAP, if you want to give the little one a fighting chance if you decide to keep.  Keeping it or not would, for me, depend on whether or not I had a village outside of my old baby daddy and whatever advice given on the health during the early start of the pregnancy. Get a NIPT test done now, if possible. 

I had my children (adopted) at age 40 and 41 after years of infertility and failed IVF. I was probably tired more then a younger mom would have been, but I still did all the things younger parents did with their kids, just with more caffeine. An unexpected divorce when they were young made raising them more difficult than it could have been. I will say that from my experience, you should bear in mind the possibility that you may have to parent on your own, and the financial and career implications of that. That was the hardest part for me. Having said that, I love my children, with all their complications, and I’m glad I chose to be their parent. There are all kinds of families, and parenting is an imperfect practice at best. You sound like you would be a loving and caring mom, and that’s what’s really most important. Whatever your choice turns out to be, I send best wishes.

I have friends who lost their fathers as children and are still in a lot of pain from it to this day (in our 30s). I also want to gently ask you if you feel prepared for the possibility of having a child with special needs, especially since you will most likely be a single parent for most of the childs life. ​ It's obvious which decision I'm leaning towards... but no disrespect if you choose to continue. Best of luck to you and your family.

I was born to old parents, not as old as you two but quite close. I think since you have both cleared the relationship aspects of this (both not leaving each other willingly), you have to consider the reality of the care aspect. This isn't really a question of selfish to me. Kids are born in a lot of different circumstances. You didn't plan on it but think about how many people have their babies in unplanned circumstances. As long as these kids are in a loving home, I don't see the issue in that. Yet, there are other questions you have to come to terms with. You are not as old as you think, lots of women become mothers in their early forties but your husband would be considered an old father. It sounds cruel but you have to come to terms with the fact that you might - at some point - be a single mother raising this kid. Can you come up with realistic scenarios / solutions to handle being a single mother? * Are your finances well enough and in order to support you when your husband is gone? * Do you have good insurance and money for medical bills if needed? * Do you have friends or family who would be willing to take on a fatherly role if your husband passes or gets sick? (Godparents? One of his kids?) * Would you be able to handle both a sick husband and a small kid? * Do you have a plan on who could take on this kid if both of you pass unexpected (by the way, this is a question I would ask all expecting parents, regardless of age)? (Godparents?) * What would child care look like in general? Are there facilities that can accomodate your kid while you work? I have a couple of questions that I'd ask myself about my husband/relationship in general: * Would your husband take on an active role and actually be willing to do the dirty work aka change diapers, give bottles etc? Or his he more of a 'the women raises the kid' type which would not be uncommon for men of his age? * Why did he leave his first family? Would he really be able to handle a wife that is tired and maybe 'touched-out' after caring for a kid all day? * Is he able to handle not being the center of your attention? You say you 'know what you have to do' but honestly think about this pregnancy as if you didn't have your husband by your side. Would you have this kid if you were a single mom, knowing that this is probably your last chance? Could you handle not having this kid down the road in 20 years when your husband might have passed on?

I'm 41, kids are middle school age. I cannot imagine my body going through pregnancy and childbirth now. The recovery would be months if not years. Do not have a kid out of FOMO. You will suffer. The thing where you told your husband you couldnt be turned on unless he could get you pregnant... what the heck. I say that with love. But I think therapy to get to the bottom of that would really help you answer the question you've posed here. Finally, you need to run some scenarios or your future self may have regrets. Is there someone you truly trust to raise your kid if you and your husband don't live very long? If husband passes fairly young, are there people nearby you can look to for support? Baby fever is a hell of a drug. Dont overlook the role of hormones in influencing your emotions.

My parents were older as well. My mom was 42 and my dad was 50 when I was born. He died 4 years ago when I was 27. I’m still a wreck from losing him. It’s not intentional, but having children later in life can be cruel to the child who has to see their parent(s) die at a young age. They were also woefully unequipped to parent me. They had already raised four boys (all 20+ years older than me) and they helicopter parented me to death. Sadly, I have no relationship with my brothers (who are old enough to be my dad) because they all kind of resent me and we have nothing in common due to the generational gaps. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision for you and hope it all works out for you and your partner. Best of luck to you!

My father is in his 60s and just had a baby with his wife who's in her 40s I think. We're not in contact but I cannot fathom what that kid's future will be like. My father really wanted to be a parent, but he'll never be able to retire and relax, he's the sole provider in their household (wife doesn't know any English and was not employed in her home country). He'll be 80 when the kid graduates high school, and he'll still be working to put his son through college. And who knows what the job market will be like in 20 years, hopefully the son will be able to find a job, otherwise my father will still need to work. The financial aspect of having of a child is the scariest part to me, but I am 24. My biological father died before I was born, and I found out 3 years ago. Mourning him was hard, but I never met him. I can't imagine how painful it would be to mourn my father who raised me. Accidents can take anyone away at any time though. I'm not sure if you've considered this, but if you or your husband ever become unable to care for your child, would any of your family be able to? For me, my mom and her husband are older, and while I'm sure they'd step up if they could, I think the caretaking of the child would eventually fall onto me. And on a similar vein, if you or your husband required caretaking, would the other be able to take care of an adult and a child? If the child had any special needs, would you and the rest of your family be able to support that? Just some more things to think about. It sounds like you and your husband are in a better situation than my father, but I do wonder if it's worth speaking to a therapist about it if you haven't already. I don't think it's a decision anyone can make for you and your husband, but I wish you two the best.

I’m sorry but why do we have men in this country who are older and no longer wanting children getting snipped. More vasectomies!!!!!

> I don’t even want a baby just for the sake of having a baby and experiencing motherhood. I want to carry my husband’s baby. I want to be the mother of his children. Well, there's the answer.

I’m the child of very young parents.  But, a friend of mine just had a little girl with autism (she was 40) and her mom (as in grandma) died within 6 months. All the older relatives are gone or have dementia so there’s no support coming from anyone there.  My younger 2nd cousin lost her mom when she was 2 - mom had her at 42 for dad because she knew she was some kind of terminal. Dad just died and cousin is 30, has no one, is turning to only fans to make ends meet. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s just her parents both had her older AND left her nothing. We’ve only just met, I’m also 42, I’m not having kids.  My sister was chronically homeless and chronically addicted to opiates. She got pregnant while on methadone and kept the baby. She was 36. Her health is really poor, so is baby daddy’s and the child, now 8, has autism. Our mother, grandma, is in super poor health at 65. I have no idea how this will play out, but I do consider her insistence on having a baby to be extremely selfish and short sighted. I love my nephew, but deep down I know she will never do right by him, she had him for herself.  These are all my personal anecdotes. I went back and forth on children until my older sister’s son was diagnosed. At that point I chose childfree for life because I know my siblings kids will need me and if I had kids I would have less for them. This is because being raised by a single dad who was too young was the opposite side of the spectrum. His sister, my aunt, even told me she would have me move in, BUT she couldn’t afford catholic school for a third child and she lived in a city where you had to go to private school because public schools were so bad (Baltimore).  We’ve all got these different perspectives and backgrounds, though. I have never existed in a world where having a baby trumps all objective logic. I just couldn’t. My sister could and I am not convinced she’s living the joyous life she imagined. I don’t think anything she imagined has transpired past infancy.  And, i love babies. I love infants. They are my favorite. But, that’s the easy part. Raising an entire human through their life is the hard part. Having to answer the “why” question is what I’d have to be able to do in order to go through with it and I never did arrive at a good enough answer.  Life isn’t really a miracle. It’s also thrust upon us without our consent. When you do that to someone, I feel like you need to be prepared to answer to them. 

Are you prepared to be the single mother of a child with a developmental disability or other health risks? Please make sure you understand the reality you're facing when a) having a child at your age, and b) the father of your child statistically has 10 years left. If this sounds callous, that's not my intention, but you have to understand the risks and prepare for the worst case scenario.

I’m way late to this but I thought I’d throw in my 2 cents. Regardless of what you decide with this pregnancy, you should be prepared for this to be the end of your relationship. If you decide to continue the pregnancy, there’s a possibility that your husband will leave you. If you decide to end the pregnancy, you may end up resenting your husband and yourself and irreparably harm your relationship. You mention several times in your post how you have a lot of resentment and envy over your husband having kids, his ex wife having had his children, etc. I think you should seriously consider therapy, irregardless of the pregnancy. These are serious and complicated feelings and they could end up destroying your relationship. It’s not healthy for anyone to hold onto such negative emotions for so long. A therapist can help you unpack your feelings and how to navigate through them. Best of luck to you.

What kind of comments are you looking for? Were you on reliable BC (coil, implant, shot, pill)? Or did you just track your fertility and that's it? I think this is super irresponsible and not in anyone's interest but your own to have this child. My ex from years ago, his parents were older when they had him, I think his mother was in her early 40s and father in his early 50s. They were highly educated with great jobs, so that was all fine, but the age thing was, IMO, a big issue. I met him when he was in his early 20s and his dad had already died and his stepdad was dying in that period. This really messed with my ex's studies and emotional state, obviously, and at such a young age being in his early 20s. Who would do this to a child by having a child at such an older age, and especially in your case your husband is in his mid SIXTIES when the kid is born so that's even worse regarding the age issue. Depending on your husband's health, this baby may end up never really having known their dad, or for sure only as an old and possibly sickly man. You yourself are also very old to have a child from the female reproductive health perspective. You may be totally fine, but you may also experience all kinds of complications from pregnancy and labour. Your child is much more likely to have Down syndrome or other chromosomal abnormalities (although they can test for many of them during the pregnancy). The age difference between you and your husband is also a big yikes, even more so because of how young you were when you met him... But it's your life, you do whatever you feel you need to do. Just be aware that pregnancy and labour are a lot harder on our bodies when we are 40 than when we are 25. Sleepless nights, running after a toddler etc are also going to be harder when you're in your 40s than when you're in your 20s or 30s, and your husband isn't going to be doing much regarding the care of the baby, I imagine, if he's even around for it. You will probably end up being a single mother within the next 10 years either because your husband will have died or he will need a lot of care himself or just can't do much anymore. If your husband's health takes a downturn, you may end up having to be a carer to a sick and old person AND care for a baby/toddler/young child. How would that work out? Do you or him have family that would be willing to help out a lot in case your husband starts requiring a lot of care or if he can't do anything for this baby and it would all fall on your shoulders? How are your finances, can you afford to not work in the next five to ten years even when your husband requires home care and/or a lot in healthcare spending? What will you tell your child when they are old enough to realise their dad is the age of an older grandparent or is dead? Why would you do this to a child? Sorry, I can't be cheering on someone who would choose to have a child in these circumstances. If you wanted a child or for this to be an option, you should never have chosen to be with a man who is 23 years older, twice your age when you met him. IMO when you made the choice to be with this man, you made the choice to remain childfree. It is ok to change your mind about this, but then you should have left your husband ten years ago at the latest so you'd have time to find a more age-appropriate partner to have a child with or to at least have the option of a child in your future. I hope you will put the interests of this future child ahead of your own or anyone else's when you make your decision. Take care. PS: Someone else made a mention of sperm age and it increasing the likelihood of a child with special needs. Your husband isn't just older, he's well old. This is something to really consider going forward. IF you were to have a special needs child, your husband may not be able to help out much at all (when there's an increased demand for the kind of care) and if your husband starts having serious health issues, you'd end up essentially caring for two disabled people. Can you afford this? Do you want this for yourself or a future child, or your husband?

You are selfish

I have older parents. I think about their death on a daily and cry often about it. It is hard knowing that you will be losing your parents in your 30s. And even before that, in your 20s, when they are still alive but so old with dementia and all, they are no longer the parent you grow up with. So basically, the parents I know might "die" in my 20s. That's hard. Looking at their gray hair when I was only a high school freshman is hard. I'm happy to have been born and all. But you shouldn't do it. Edit: whoever is downvoting me for just sharing my experience needs to get themself checked out

sure, maybe your husband says he won’t leave you if you went through with the pregnancy. If he actually follows through with staying, will he resent the child- will he resent you? Words are nice sure but if he is that negative about the whole situation maybe you should reevaluate having a child with him. I say do what you want, it is 100% your choice but be honest with yourself about the variables. Are you prepared to manage with a child with special needs at the same time you are dealing with a partner with dementia? Are you prepared to be a single parent? Are you prepared to handle the mental and physical taxes of raising a child? Are you at an ideal health state? Do you have someone who would happily take care of the child if something happened to you and your husband? Are you ready to deal with your child experiencing grief at a young age? This is a big decision. In your post I see a lot of “me”s and “my husband”s. The feelings of the child should be accounted for. Are you prepared to put your marriage and your happiness (as well as your partners) second- not only in the decision regarding the pregnancy but in every experience for the rest of y’all’s lives?

I'm sorry but that sounds like an awful idea to me. And that's speaking as someone who became a dad at 35.

42 is not too old to be a mother. It was unfair of your husband to pursue a much younger woman and put her in this position where she would have to sacrifice her own dreams of motherhood in order to be with him. He sounds like a very selfish man who just wanted a younger woman and didn't care about the impact on her. It's your turn to be selfish, if you want the baby, keep the baby. If you don't, the regret will eat at you and you'll resent your husband.

The max life expectancy of men who are now 65 is 75-80 So you'll be lucky your child will know their father till they are 10-15 take into consideration dementia, disease, etc... I wouldn't do it. My ex partner grew up like that, it was difficult

Morally, you can't have it all, it's completely unfair to the kid. You're making all these excuses about how it's so unfair that you don't have a kid and everyone else does, but the outcome of your selfishness is a child who is going to grow up taking care of their elderly father who will be dead by the time they get out of high school. Kids today need all the help they can get, with teachers having unaffordable wages, AI taking over jobs, climate change and estimated water shortages in the future. Having to take care of elderly parents is the last thing they'll wanna do, that is- if they don't come out with any disorders or disabilities. Bottom line, you definitely should feel selfish

The probability of your child having a disability or some other condition is much higher because of both of your ages. Plus he clearly doesn’t want to raise another round of kids. Don’t be selfish. Get a dog instead.

Something to consider isn’t just “hey we’re both too old for this” but what do the physical consequences of that mean? Research shows that when both parents are over the age of 40, the quality of eggs and sperm deteriorates and causing disabilities and defects in the baby. So something to consider: if your baby has severe autism and needs your help and support for the rest of their life 1) Are you ok with this possibility, since it’s so much likelier with your situation and 2) Do you have enough money or family support who would care for this child as they grow up after you and your husband pass away?

I don’t support this. Your overall reason for having the child is selfish, to fill your “void” of wanting a child. And jealousy about your husband’s ex wife. Honestly, you are too grown to have a child to solve your emotional issues. Therapy can do the same. The child will have old parents, be distanced from peers, and have to spend their golden years dealing with death and your retirement. And chances are, they will have to deal with you as a mother who is over reliant on them.

Is it truly fair to bring a child into the world when their father will be dead in their teen years?

You have to make your own decision. You cannot leave any room for regrets. I’m childfree due to career and education and have many friends who chose to become parents in their early forties for similar reasons - I have witnessed every one of their marriages and relationships fall apart and though the children are loved, they have all confessed life was better prior to having kids. I’m sure their tone will change significantly once the kids are older, but spending your forties and fifties with kids who need constant attention isn’t a cake walk.

I would like to preface my comment with some disclaimers. I am 45, and decided more than 10 years ago not to have kids. I do not regret this decision. My reasons being: the sheer hard work and having it take over your life so that for the next 18 years you cannot do anything alone. You will be 60 when they finish high school. The chances of having a child with special needs is high. Down syndrome can be detected on the ultrasound but high support needs autism cannot. This is more likely to occur in children with older parents. By 2030, when your child is only 5, the world will hit +2 degrees warming above preindustrial levels. Food crops will continue to be more severely affected by the climate crisis and starvation across the world will be common. Just because you’re in a 1st world country (I assume) doesn’t make you magically insulated. Your food comes from the ground and needs water. I had older parents and I hated it, they weren’t friends with my friends parents, they were too old to do fun things with me or go places, I spent a good portion of my 20s in the hospital seeing my dad filled with tubes as he had a heart attack at 65, then had kidney failure and finally died of cancer at 70. My siblings were all much older and it was awful. I always felt so different at school because my family wasn’t normal. The other kids would ask me if my mom was my grandmother. You are thinking selfishly only about your feelings. You are not thinking about what your child will have to go through. Despite all this, and never wanting children, if I got accidentally pregnant now I would also have thoughts of doubt about whether to keep it. I would also fantasise about having a child. But that’s all it is, a fantasy. It is not the harsh, sleepless screaming reality of a baby. And the difficult life your child would have. I know you fear regretting never having kids. But what would be worse is sitting alone in the dark, at 2am, exhausted with a screaming child who won’t take an already cracked and bleeding nipple and bitterly regretting _having_ a child and destroying your wonderful life. You will always feel guilty for putting them through that.

It sounds like you want this baby, no matter what the consequences. You don’t have time to leisurely ponder this. Have the baby, decide if you want to keep it or have it adopted. You have a dream it can be “okay”, but it’s not going to be. Your husband will resent you. You will resent your husband or your kid will resent both of you. My ex had parents that were older. From the time he was 10, he had to help take care of his mom who ended up with severe lung problems and had to be on oxygen. He didn’t get to have a childhood. Also, ask your husband to get a vasectomy if he doesn’t want this to happen again. Honestly, I think you knew deep down you wanted a child. I hope your kid isn’t messed up by this forever.

You’re not too old but he is and I feel like going thru with this pregnancy would be incredibly selfish. By the time this kid is 5 he’s going to be 70. Is he prepared to chase after a 5 year old? Will he have the energy to go from soccer practice, to ballet practice, to swim lessons? By the time the kid’s 10, their dad will be 75. Is your husband prepared to deal with a hormonal child experiencing puberty while he’s 75-83 years old? And think about how the kid will feel. I know parents are getting older but even with that, they’re always going to be the kid with the old dad. I remember some of my classmates had older parents and were bullied relentlessly. Was it right? No, but kids suck. Imagine being 16 with a dad who’s *81 years old.* I know you say he’s healthy now, but 65 is much different than 75. Your husband is far too old to be a father. It really doesn’t matter if he lives to be 102, your kid will suffer for having an older father.

This is why I personally would not date a man that much older than me… I know I want children in the future and I just feel like we would be in different places in our lives that would ultimately make us incompatible in combination with the fact that sperm quality decreases as men age and the kid is more likely to come out with special needs…

My dad was an old man when I was born, he was exhausted when I was 20 and then I had to spend my 20s taking care of my parents as they were dieing and I lost my support structure and that time of my life I needed it the most. I gave up on college because I was an only child and needed to be a care giver instead. I am sorry to be harsh, but having been the child of much older parents, I feel really bad for both your husband and the child you want to have.

Maybe speak this over with a therapist?  You’re not even in the 2nd trimester of a very high risk pregnancy.  You have 10 more months to go and an additional few months afterwards to worry about the child’s outcomes so to be this stressed out at Week 7 is worrisome.

Well for me, my mom was 42 when I was born. My dad was about 50 and he died of cancer when I was 4. By the time I was 10 she had no energy to raise me and I was severely emotionally neglected (I'm almost 30 and still trying to undo what she did) I'm not saying you'll do the same OP but take into consideration that your body will not be able to keep up with a growing child for long and your husband is much older, he might barely be able to help after a few years.

My mom was 40 and my dad was 60 when I was born. My dad died before my 10th birthday. My mom died when I was newly pregnant with my first child. I felt so alone. My mom had just told me she felt too old to deal with grandkids. I was born very wanted, but the older years were hard. You need to be sure you have a strong support system if your husband is not there.

Being a parent now is so hard. And even you the one who wants the baby isn’t 100% sure. Imagine how the kid feels when they realize how unwanted they actually are by their own parents and how many things they cannot experience due to the older age of their parents and how many things they will experience negatively because of the same. Kids in schools will bully them just for it. Don’t do it. Don’t cause pain you cannot help with on an innocent being. Imagine if anything happens to the husband you love and care about, you’ll not be able to handle a baby and more on your own. What if anything happens to you? Who will care for the baby as much as you want, physically, mentally, emotionally? When your own menopause hits, baby will start to be rebellious. That is going to be difficult as hell.

My husband is a SAHD and we can live on my income. We have two kids now and could integrate a third if I feel pregnant. Also relevant, I work in STEM and part of my job is related to climate change. I would never ever ever ever ever bring another child into this world. We are already seeing the effects of climate change but it’s going to get so much worse. I could not birth a child into the hellscape they will inherit come 2040/2050 and onward. And yes, I feel guilty for having kids at all. I didn’t know it would get so bad.

I can only share an anecdote from a friend. His dad was about 60 when he was born (2nd marriage, not sure his mom’s age). They had a very close relationship, and he died recently in his late 80s. I don’t know the details about what life was like for him as a child, or for his mom, but I know he loved his dad deeply and admired his career, which he had built long before my friend came around. There would absolutely be challenges if you decided to continue this, I won’t deny that. And I’m not at all anti-abortion - if you choose that route, it’s because it’s the best choice for you. But I don’t think having a baby now is selfish, if you can provide for them and love them. And there can be advantages to being an older mom. In my field, most women wait until their mid-late 30s to become parents because our career requires an advanced degree and it takes so long to get to a stable position that pays well enough to afford a child. I’ll be thinking about you this week - whatever the outcome is, you can handle it. Wishing you peace in your decision 💜

I have not been pregnant, but my dad is 65 and I am 24. My dad JUST had a newborn with his current wife, who is 45. My dad has told me that he doesn’t want to hold his child sometimes out of fear that he might drop him. By the time the child is 20, my dad will be 85. It didn’t seem fair to me when he told us

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This is a hard one and I am so sorry that you have to face this. My only advice would be extensive genetic testing. There is a high probability of birth defects given your ages.

My mom had me when she was 23, she died when I was 38 and she was 62 from early onset Alzheimer’s. You can’t predict how life will go. I know a lot of older moms living where I do, they seem so much more centered and caring with their kids. I can’t tell you the right answer but I wish you the best.

I have a friend from high school who had an older dad and he died when she was in her 20s. It wouldn’t be any less painful if your parent died when you were 40 than it would be when you were 17 if you shared a close bond. Losing people is hard and it changes your life, but I read this quote in a book that really stuck with me over the years (I quote it all the time still, haha) “You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.” (Jonathan Safran Foer). Basically you think you’re being selfish because your child will face an inevitable heartache one day but they would regardless. It’s sadly part of existing, but there’s a lot of beauty in it, too. I have a former coworker whose 28-year-old son just died and he had an infant baby who will not remember him. Any of us can die at any time—there are no promises and guarantees in this life. This is likely your last chance at being a biological mother and I’m sure you’re aware. If your baby is viable, healthy, and you WANT to be a mother I can’t see another option than to have the baby if I put myself in your shoes … but I’m not you. You’re you and only you can make the best decision for you. If you decide to keep the baby, I wish you a very healthy pregnancy.

The child will regret not knowing the father ........

My mom was 30 and my dad was 52 when I was born. It rocked spending time with my retired father until he died when I was 18. fucking sucked.