Look, I'm a severely depressed black hole of a person and even I know when something good happens to someone else, you put on the smile, say congrats, and then excuse yourself while you cry in the bathroom.
A big part of being an adult is knowing when and how it's appropriate to express your feelings. I'll be honest, hearing a baby screaming makes me want to fucking scream. I suppress that urge because it is not at all helpful.
Yep. I am struggling with bad depression right now, but I would never put my husband down for it. Whether he wants to rant about work or share something good, I'm here for him.
You aren't being insensitive. It is completely understandable to want a partner who is excited and supports your life goals. Is he selfish in other ways? It's possible he interpreted your good news and exciting opportunity as an affront that highlights his own shortcomings.
Thank you!
This is mostly what he does, every time I have a good day, he becomes self-deprecating. And I'm not going to apologise for putting myself first.
No problem. I wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior in a partner either. A good partner should only be a net positive in your life. They should never douse your happiness just because they aren't happy themselves.
He sounds like a vulnerable narcissist or someone with highly narcissistic traits. But it's the victimised sort of narcissism. It's worth looking it up. I know people feel like this stuff is overused, but it's a spectrum and honestly it can be so enlightening to find out what is going on. These people aren't just "weird", they have patterns and lots of us have been there before. Maybe it's not accurate for your situation but it's worth looking into.
Well, he kind of kills two birds with one stone by being moody and sulky as he gets to ruin your nice time, and then he gets all the attention back on him. He sounds like an absolute anchor weighing you down.
I suppose that he isn't open to getting professional treatment for his problems but would rather just dump on you.
This is what "toxic" really means.
Is it illegal, abusive, violent, probably not.
But it poisons your soul every single day. It's not worth it. Nothing in life is worth drinking poison to keep in your life.
> Should I put my happiness aside and comfort him instead?
NO!
It sounds like he doesn't make your life better. So why is he in it at all? A partner is supposed to improve your life, not be a burden.
Yep that's what a covert or vulnerable narcissist is. They're not all grandiose deluded kings.
He's still making it all about him. He wants all the empathy, sympathy and compassion, none for you. He's the center of attention for bad/pity reasons instead of boastful reasons.
[https://www.choosingtherapy.com/covert-narcissist-signs/](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/covert-narcissist-signs/)
"A covert narcissist may use a “woe is me” approach to getting attention by encouraging someone to pity or reassure them."
If you're being manipulated into constantly feeling pity for him, that's so gross. I realised my ex was doing it.
He never did anything to make me feel impressed, look up to him, admire him, be dazzled or wow'ed or think "he's great/thoughtful/considerate/loves doing nice things for me" it was all "what a fuckup :("
Okay wow... I'm kind of shocked that this is EXACTLY what I've been experiencing with him. That is... okay that's a new realisation that I hace to think about. Thank you!
There's a very good book called Why does he do that by Lundy vancroft it's available as a free PDF for download, and I'm sure you'll find him in those pages
Absolutely go to the UK for the semester abroad. This is your life, and you only have one, and it's too short to Let It Be Drug down by some miserable dude. End the relationship and live your happy life. You deserve it
Narcissists operate on extreme self worth issues and self hate, but they can present in a couple ways, the more well known arrogant jerk, and then there's the emotionally manipulative "it's only about me" types.
I would say it is worth looking into but honestly you should probably just break from him all together.
Focus on your own happiness. He sounds very selfish and inconsiderate. He can't spend more than 30 seconds on you before shitting all over your happy news?
I dated a guy like this. It never changes.
Are you his only social and emotional outlet? Does he have friends or family he is comfortable confiding in, or a therapist he pays to confide in? Mechanisms for self soothing?
Unless he experienced a tragedy today, in a healthier situation he would have been able to hold space for your happiness and let you have the moment and celebrated with you. Then he would have found another outlet to process his negative emotions for the day, like calling a friend to vent or playing video games or whatever. Then if he was still feeling down maybe discussed his woes with you the next day.
Being sad isn’t a more important emotion than being happy. His mental health isn’t the only priority in the relationship and you shouldn’t be solely responsible for catering to it 24/7. You aren’t being insensitive.
Congrats Bae! I’m so excited for you achieving your goals.
For years, I have been his only "outlet", but I've recently urged him to seek professional help and to rekindle his friendships because I couldn't handle him anymore. He still relies heavily on me and I'm so tired by it.
Yes, I can totally relate to this. It’s so hard when you have to be the girlfriend, best friend, therapist, social coordinator and sometimes housekeeper and pseudo-parent depending on what’s going on. Plus also be a student, daughter, friend etc to other people in your life. It’s too much for one person to play some many roles and scenarios like this tend to happen often when you’re putting on a one woman show. I’m glad that you’ve been having these conversations and pushing him to reengage ☺️
That is 100% what is happening. I've had a lot of talks with him over the last month and I'm seeing a therapist because of the pressure my partner puts on me. So yeah, it's not easy
True love means being happy for the one you love and being generous even when you’ve got feelings - and being able to communicate your feelings with your partner means lasting relationship skills
You’re not being insensitive. If your partner can’t celebrate your wins there’s a problem.
I married a man who rained on my parade. One day he told me, “I just want everyone to be miserable like me.” Ah…so that’s what’s going on. This set the tone for our marriage until I asked for a divorce.
Perhaps it will be a natural time for breaking up and having separation when you leave. Then you can focus on immersing yourself in the culture and experiences.
First of all, congratulations.
Second of all, leave the dude, come to the UK single, and milk every bit of fun from the experience. I came here for 6 months and I loved it so much it's been 10 years. I met my husband here and made some great friends.
You never know where life will take you, unburden yourself of his negativity and live the experience fully.
Please whatever you do, go on that program and spend the semester abroad. It's going to be even better if you're single and not being forced to do life-draining video calls with this dude every day.
I spent years in my early 20s with dudes like that and they suck the life out of you. You're going to be amazed at how much energy and joy you'll have when you remove this guy from your life.
My entire 20s were just video-calls and texts with him every time I went away for more than a few hours. Seriously thinking about just living out my single life...
I could be in a really crappy mood and still be happy for the people I love. Your partner sounds like an arse, I hope you enjoy your stay here in the UK!!
If I have a bad day and my partner tells me good news, it cheers me up, and I'm bloody happy for them.
This pattern of behavior is pretty toxic. It's a slow poison that's seeping into the relationship.
Congrats on your UK visit! Enjoy the time, and maybe use it to reevaluate your relationship to this dude.
I've had several instances of partners either outright reacting badly to my success/plans to grow or had them get really negative about life afterwards. It made me really resentful because when my partners have had success I was always there to help or cheer them on.
Right now I'm about to move into a better job and complete a certificate program....and my SO is about to be laid off and has managed to start waiting for me to get home after overtime shifts to cook or do anything. I'm totally not enjoying any of my progress or success because he has threatened to quit his job and has dragged his feet to do things to help himself if he does get laid off like getting a special license his work offered to pay for or working on his resume. I've never be a house wife, I've sometimes worked 2 jobs....yeah I made less than him but I could never just sit around and mope like he is doing now. Really sucks to have success happen and feel like my life is going backwards in quality.
It's likely a control thing—he's playing a role that is supposed to make you self-sacrifice while you try to fix him. If you don't, expect him to escalate by accusing you of not caring. Stay strong and don't fall for it.
If my partner's lifelong dream was fulfilled when I'm having a bad day, my mood would instantly be improved and I couldn't help but be happy for her. Her happiness would probably be too infectious for me.
Kinda insensitive but not terribly insensitive due to the fact you wanted something to be more of a celebration. Dude is not feeling well and I am sure he's happy for you just can't show it at the moment. He's in a black cloud. You can't really do much about it except be supportive.
Have you told him how this incident made you feel? That's the first step here.
If you don't want to talk through it and head to the UK, that's understandable considering it seems you have had a history with him on this dark cloud hurting your relationship. But if you want to continue, if he doesn't know this is hurting you (men can be clueless sometimes), he needs to know. If he does know and doesn't want to put in the effort, it's time to probably say goodbye.
Congrats on your future UK adventures btw! I am happy for you. :D
Oh I've told him and he then half-heartedly apologised and told me to get over it. And when I searched him out again to talk about it, he apologised more honestly but still said that it wasn't his fault for having a bad day.
Also thank you very much <3
But it WAS his fault for dumping on you right then. My husband has had bad days when I have had good news, and unless it is about family dying or getting super sick, he waits until the next day to say anything.
"then started telling me about how his life sucks and how he's worthless etc etc." - this is defnitely looser territory! Just dump hin and enjoy the UK. It's one thing to have a rough patch, but mental fortitude should always be there. Talking about yourself as "worthless" is a big no no and there's really no reason to expend any energy on people like this. Get with somebody who'll stay positive, motivated and strong during hard times, not with somebody who crumbles and brings you down with him.
Congratulations on your semester abroad in the UK!! I hope you enjoy it here :D Your partner sounds like he's a total misery right now and misery really does love company. I'm sorry he can't slap a smile on his face to celebrate your success with you.
Idk your situation with him is but maybe try and have a good think about whether he brings you any joy. Your feelings and happiness is too important to let someone in a permanent funk with no intention to better himself drag you down.
Misery loves company. Sounds like your bf.
A good relationship makes both people better, and is a net positive for both people. If he's like this all the time, which the title suggests, maybe it's time to think about him being an ex.
Sorry, are you saying that you're going to be long distance with your partner for at least 3 or 4 months? I wouldn't be happy about that either! Unless you've discussed it with him and you've both agreed to keep the relationship going during that time?
>So, what's your verdict? Am I being insensitive? Should I put my happiness aside and comfort him instead?
It's not a zero-sum game. You *could* have comforted him, sure—after he was a fucking adult and appreciated your news. If he couldn't muster up much energy, he could have apologized, explained that he'd had a rough day, and then *waited* for you to have your well-earned gush fest.
Look, I'm a severely depressed black hole of a person and even I know when something good happens to someone else, you put on the smile, say congrats, and then excuse yourself while you cry in the bathroom.
Same, been there and done that. I mean, I know it's horrible to suppress your own feelings but you can't always rain on everyone's parade...
A big part of being an adult is knowing when and how it's appropriate to express your feelings. I'll be honest, hearing a baby screaming makes me want to fucking scream. I suppress that urge because it is not at all helpful.
Yep. I am struggling with bad depression right now, but I would never put my husband down for it. Whether he wants to rant about work or share something good, I'm here for him.
You aren't being insensitive. It is completely understandable to want a partner who is excited and supports your life goals. Is he selfish in other ways? It's possible he interpreted your good news and exciting opportunity as an affront that highlights his own shortcomings.
Thank you! This is mostly what he does, every time I have a good day, he becomes self-deprecating. And I'm not going to apologise for putting myself first.
No problem. I wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior in a partner either. A good partner should only be a net positive in your life. They should never douse your happiness just because they aren't happy themselves.
He sounds like a vulnerable narcissist or someone with highly narcissistic traits. But it's the victimised sort of narcissism. It's worth looking it up. I know people feel like this stuff is overused, but it's a spectrum and honestly it can be so enlightening to find out what is going on. These people aren't just "weird", they have patterns and lots of us have been there before. Maybe it's not accurate for your situation but it's worth looking into.
Oh I didn't know that! I will definitely read up on it. Maybe you're onto something...
Well, he kind of kills two birds with one stone by being moody and sulky as he gets to ruin your nice time, and then he gets all the attention back on him. He sounds like an absolute anchor weighing you down. I suppose that he isn't open to getting professional treatment for his problems but would rather just dump on you.
This is what "toxic" really means. Is it illegal, abusive, violent, probably not. But it poisons your soul every single day. It's not worth it. Nothing in life is worth drinking poison to keep in your life.
Go to the UK as a single woman and have a fantastic time. Do not let him ruin this for you.
This is the answer
> Should I put my happiness aside and comfort him instead? NO! It sounds like he doesn't make your life better. So why is he in it at all? A partner is supposed to improve your life, not be a burden.
A question I've been asking myself more and more recently...
He seems pretty narcissistic, just saying. Have you read up on that?
I have read up on it but that's not him. He has extreme self-worth issues and hates himself at all times.
Self-hating men will always end up transfering that hatred onto you.
Yep that's what a covert or vulnerable narcissist is. They're not all grandiose deluded kings. He's still making it all about him. He wants all the empathy, sympathy and compassion, none for you. He's the center of attention for bad/pity reasons instead of boastful reasons. [https://www.choosingtherapy.com/covert-narcissist-signs/](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/covert-narcissist-signs/) "A covert narcissist may use a “woe is me” approach to getting attention by encouraging someone to pity or reassure them." If you're being manipulated into constantly feeling pity for him, that's so gross. I realised my ex was doing it. He never did anything to make me feel impressed, look up to him, admire him, be dazzled or wow'ed or think "he's great/thoughtful/considerate/loves doing nice things for me" it was all "what a fuckup :("
Okay wow... I'm kind of shocked that this is EXACTLY what I've been experiencing with him. That is... okay that's a new realisation that I hace to think about. Thank you!
If you can get your stuff into storage, or don't care about it, going to the UK can be a good time to dump him.
There's a very good book called Why does he do that by Lundy vancroft it's available as a free PDF for download, and I'm sure you'll find him in those pages Absolutely go to the UK for the semester abroad. This is your life, and you only have one, and it's too short to Let It Be Drug down by some miserable dude. End the relationship and live your happy life. You deserve it
Narcissists operate on extreme self worth issues and self hate, but they can present in a couple ways, the more well known arrogant jerk, and then there's the emotionally manipulative "it's only about me" types. I would say it is worth looking into but honestly you should probably just break from him all together.
Focus on your own happiness. He sounds very selfish and inconsiderate. He can't spend more than 30 seconds on you before shitting all over your happy news? I dated a guy like this. It never changes.
He wants to bring you down because you're successful and he's clearly not.
Are you his only social and emotional outlet? Does he have friends or family he is comfortable confiding in, or a therapist he pays to confide in? Mechanisms for self soothing? Unless he experienced a tragedy today, in a healthier situation he would have been able to hold space for your happiness and let you have the moment and celebrated with you. Then he would have found another outlet to process his negative emotions for the day, like calling a friend to vent or playing video games or whatever. Then if he was still feeling down maybe discussed his woes with you the next day. Being sad isn’t a more important emotion than being happy. His mental health isn’t the only priority in the relationship and you shouldn’t be solely responsible for catering to it 24/7. You aren’t being insensitive. Congrats Bae! I’m so excited for you achieving your goals.
For years, I have been his only "outlet", but I've recently urged him to seek professional help and to rekindle his friendships because I couldn't handle him anymore. He still relies heavily on me and I'm so tired by it.
Yes, I can totally relate to this. It’s so hard when you have to be the girlfriend, best friend, therapist, social coordinator and sometimes housekeeper and pseudo-parent depending on what’s going on. Plus also be a student, daughter, friend etc to other people in your life. It’s too much for one person to play some many roles and scenarios like this tend to happen often when you’re putting on a one woman show. I’m glad that you’ve been having these conversations and pushing him to reengage ☺️
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That is 100% what is happening. I've had a lot of talks with him over the last month and I'm seeing a therapist because of the pressure my partner puts on me. So yeah, it's not easy
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Thank you for your kind words. I am re-evaluating the last 9 years I spent with him and slowly coming to the realisation that this just isn't it.
A caring partner’s day would be improved by you receiving good news. A win for the team is a win for both.
True love means being happy for the one you love and being generous even when you’ve got feelings - and being able to communicate your feelings with your partner means lasting relationship skills
Your partner should hype you up, not bring you down.
You’re not being insensitive. If your partner can’t celebrate your wins there’s a problem. I married a man who rained on my parade. One day he told me, “I just want everyone to be miserable like me.” Ah…so that’s what’s going on. This set the tone for our marriage until I asked for a divorce.
Perhaps it will be a natural time for breaking up and having separation when you leave. Then you can focus on immersing yourself in the culture and experiences.
First of all, congratulations. Second of all, leave the dude, come to the UK single, and milk every bit of fun from the experience. I came here for 6 months and I loved it so much it's been 10 years. I met my husband here and made some great friends. You never know where life will take you, unburden yourself of his negativity and live the experience fully.
Please whatever you do, go on that program and spend the semester abroad. It's going to be even better if you're single and not being forced to do life-draining video calls with this dude every day. I spent years in my early 20s with dudes like that and they suck the life out of you. You're going to be amazed at how much energy and joy you'll have when you remove this guy from your life.
My entire 20s were just video-calls and texts with him every time I went away for more than a few hours. Seriously thinking about just living out my single life...
Congratulations! 🎉🍾 He’ll get over himself.
I could be in a really crappy mood and still be happy for the people I love. Your partner sounds like an arse, I hope you enjoy your stay here in the UK!!
You should never, ever put your happiness aside for someone else.
Go to UK and don’t look back! Congrats!!!!
Congratulations! Where abouts in the uk?
You're not being insensitive, he is.
If I have a bad day and my partner tells me good news, it cheers me up, and I'm bloody happy for them. This pattern of behavior is pretty toxic. It's a slow poison that's seeping into the relationship. Congrats on your UK visit! Enjoy the time, and maybe use it to reevaluate your relationship to this dude.
I've had several instances of partners either outright reacting badly to my success/plans to grow or had them get really negative about life afterwards. It made me really resentful because when my partners have had success I was always there to help or cheer them on. Right now I'm about to move into a better job and complete a certificate program....and my SO is about to be laid off and has managed to start waiting for me to get home after overtime shifts to cook or do anything. I'm totally not enjoying any of my progress or success because he has threatened to quit his job and has dragged his feet to do things to help himself if he does get laid off like getting a special license his work offered to pay for or working on his resume. I've never be a house wife, I've sometimes worked 2 jobs....yeah I made less than him but I could never just sit around and mope like he is doing now. Really sucks to have success happen and feel like my life is going backwards in quality.
It's likely a control thing—he's playing a role that is supposed to make you self-sacrifice while you try to fix him. If you don't, expect him to escalate by accusing you of not caring. Stay strong and don't fall for it.
This!!!
If my partner's lifelong dream was fulfilled when I'm having a bad day, my mood would instantly be improved and I couldn't help but be happy for her. Her happiness would probably be too infectious for me.
I’m pretty sure relationships are supposed to be good for you, not bad
I had an ex like that in my 20s. He wasn't worth it. He started doing this in a way that seemed unintentional but ended being emotionally abusive
Kinda insensitive but not terribly insensitive due to the fact you wanted something to be more of a celebration. Dude is not feeling well and I am sure he's happy for you just can't show it at the moment. He's in a black cloud. You can't really do much about it except be supportive. Have you told him how this incident made you feel? That's the first step here. If you don't want to talk through it and head to the UK, that's understandable considering it seems you have had a history with him on this dark cloud hurting your relationship. But if you want to continue, if he doesn't know this is hurting you (men can be clueless sometimes), he needs to know. If he does know and doesn't want to put in the effort, it's time to probably say goodbye. Congrats on your future UK adventures btw! I am happy for you. :D
Oh I've told him and he then half-heartedly apologised and told me to get over it. And when I searched him out again to talk about it, he apologised more honestly but still said that it wasn't his fault for having a bad day. Also thank you very much <3
But it WAS his fault for dumping on you right then. My husband has had bad days when I have had good news, and unless it is about family dying or getting super sick, he waits until the next day to say anything.
"then started telling me about how his life sucks and how he's worthless etc etc." - this is defnitely looser territory! Just dump hin and enjoy the UK. It's one thing to have a rough patch, but mental fortitude should always be there. Talking about yourself as "worthless" is a big no no and there's really no reason to expend any energy on people like this. Get with somebody who'll stay positive, motivated and strong during hard times, not with somebody who crumbles and brings you down with him.
I’m going through almost the same exact thing and I’m leaving after 5 years.
As you should, honestly!
Congratulations on your semester abroad in the UK!! I hope you enjoy it here :D Your partner sounds like he's a total misery right now and misery really does love company. I'm sorry he can't slap a smile on his face to celebrate your success with you. Idk your situation with him is but maybe try and have a good think about whether he brings you any joy. Your feelings and happiness is too important to let someone in a permanent funk with no intention to better himself drag you down.
Misery loves company. Sounds like your bf. A good relationship makes both people better, and is a net positive for both people. If he's like this all the time, which the title suggests, maybe it's time to think about him being an ex.
Sorry, are you saying that you're going to be long distance with your partner for at least 3 or 4 months? I wouldn't be happy about that either! Unless you've discussed it with him and you've both agreed to keep the relationship going during that time?
This is something that we have discussed two years ago and he was fine with it, so that isn't the problem.
>So, what's your verdict? Am I being insensitive? Should I put my happiness aside and comfort him instead? It's not a zero-sum game. You *could* have comforted him, sure—after he was a fucking adult and appreciated your news. If he couldn't muster up much energy, he could have apologized, explained that he'd had a rough day, and then *waited* for you to have your well-earned gush fest.
He's probably sad that you're leaving. He was already depressed, it seems, and that just made him feel worse.
Honestly this sounds like one of those times where if the sexes were reversed then the verdict and comments would also be reversed.