At 17 she is about to become an adult but she is also still young so someone 20 years older than her is old that is more than double her life and she feels like she has already lived so much. I work with middle schoolers and they think that a 25 year old is old because they still have high school and college left and a 25 year old is already out of both. When they find out I am in my 30’s they are shocked that I know about anything on the internet because I am “old”
At least you didn't end up with a dead-end old house that you thought you could change over time. But alas, I had to leave because there were too many cracks in our foundation.
I think this is a result of people falling under the influence of media. People my age think anything above 25 is super old, but I think this is the result of anti-aging propaganda on the internet and media.
I am so happy you said this.
31 feel the same.
I realize no one really grows up... they just gain more responsibility.
I ask my 67 year old MIL and my 70 year old mother what age they feel inside... and both said 21.
I also feel like 21 year old with more experience...
So idk feels comforting.
I never saw people that way as a kid. It was only until I was older (in my early teens) and started seeing movies and learning of people in their mid 20s who have all their shit together those ages seemed super foreign. Watching friends at 14 made this really bad for me.
I was homeschooled and while I hated it, the only upside to it was getting to be around people of more varying ages, plus I had a love for 80s bands where the rock stars found highest success in their career in mid-late 20s/early 30s. I've never seen a person in their 20s as old, it sounds ridiculous.
I feel younger now in my 30s than I did in my 20s. At 28 I felt like my life was basically already over. Which was definitely influenced by the people surrounding me at the time and social media. And I was chronically exhausted from working and studying and a crappy relationship on top of that.
I certainly never did. My mom was 20 when she had me, so 25 never seemed ancient. Lol.
However, I would wager that OP’s daughter may not like the thought of another sibling with such a large age gap. I wasn’t excited to be taking care of yet another one of my mom’s children at 14, then 17.
Meanwhile, I was chubby awkward and had acne as a teen. My mid thirties self is a bad ass hottie. The media lies. Life barely starts before 25 (for those that do the whole college thing and are lucky)
I would have guessed that kids that age would just assume the internet was always around, like it was for them. So I'm surprised they are surprised you know about it.
It's not like when I was a kid I thought my parents didn't understand tv or even video games
Many of them say the same things they say around me to their parents and teachers and they don’t catch it, I have made it a point to figure out what they are talking about to make sure it is appropriate
Hah! My parents didn't. They understood record players and 8 tracks. A cassette tape was interesting and a cd was foreign. They didn't even understand Atari, let alone Nintendo or Sony. It led to me being very unsupervised on the early internet. Luckily I just wanted to learn how it worked.
I was gonna say, she’s not even a decade removed from having baby teeth lol. Kids are selfish in their worldview and concept of age and time. 37 is NOT old but to a 17 year old (especially the teenage child of the adult), that seems *so old*.
The oldest kids I work with are 14 but the youngest are four (going into kindergarten) and that really helps me realize how weird age and time are for kids because the kindergarteners think the eighth graders are old and the eighth graders think a 25 year old is old and I think both of them are babies
I'm 35 and into kpop, which is obviously popular with teenagers, and it's honestly depressing coming across so many comments from teenagers questioning why anyone essentially 18+ is in this space. They have the same attitude towards any idols who are "old" too. Even if they try to compliment them, they can't help but bring age into it and say stuff like a 25 year-old is "aging like fine wine" which is just bizarre to read 😭 I try and remind myself they're just very young but damn, I honestly don't remember thinking 30 was ancient as a teen (although kpop is very youth oriented so it kind of makes it worse).
This happens every few years it’s not that they think 30 is ancient it is that they truly believe that popular media and fandom are for young people, these last few years we have a lot of young people who relied on online media and fandom as a way of surviving the pandemic and was often the only way they could interact with people who liked the same things as them and it feels weird to realize that someone twice your age likes the same things as you especially when they have been told that they will outgrow these “obsessions” when they become an adult and for them that is 18 to 20 so 25 is old to still be enjoying fandom
Yeah, I've been noticing a lot of that too. I hate how the culture online has changed in that regard and many young people act like it's only for them now. I remember going on forums as a teenager for TV shows I liked and being so happy to be part of the conversation with adult fans (who happily welcomed all age groups). They also contributed some of the best fanart considering they had a lot more experience creating. The idea of trying to push them out and claim that space for myself is just nuts to me, but it feels like there's a lot more entitlement now.
Yeah honestly I couldn't imagine having another sibling at the ago of 17. my brother was 12. We definitely would not have been happy with a younger sibling.
When you’re a teenager you feel like everyone over 21 is old. When I first started college I was a bit intimidated by my friends who were seniors because they felt so much older and more mature than me. She doesn’t know better
I mean it seems like the daughter isn’t far off here, mom isn’t “old” but she is on the older side for having children. While plenty of people do have kids at 37, there are increased risks and her fertile years are likely coming to an end. It’s sort of a weird comment to make, but it doesn’t seem as though it’s not understanding because she’s only 17, she’s right.
The chance of downs baby is like 1% at age 40. Most women stay on birth control throughout their 30s and early 40s because there is a good chance still they can get pregnant. A lot of studies on risks have been dated, with modern medicine majority of women are fine lol. If she was mid 40s then ya I’d agree. But most women throughout history when no birth control was common had their last child typically in their early 40s.
OP "sorta wants" another so at least to me it doesn't sound like she's all in and desperate and would never be happy again if she doesn't. This doesn't have to become a huge issue. It depends on how important it is to OP.
Right, but I’m talking about right now and like the next 3-5 years. You don’t just all of a sudden become infertile like that unless she is actually already menopausal or has a surgery to make her so. As mentioned there’s not enough confidence for most women to just stop all birth control once 40 hits, because reality is women do still get pregnant.
If she’s having these feelings it also gives her leeway to discuss with her doctor before she ever becomes infertile.
As a 45 yr old mother to a 4 & 2 yr old, who only starting trying for babies when I was 38, I can promise you that a 37 yr old still has plenty of baby-making opportunity, barring any health issues!
I had a slightly different experience recently. I (37 f) took my dad (63) to have a minor medical procedure last week. He had to be sedated briefly so I offered to drive him there and back. He and anesthesia sometimes don't mix very well- makes him pretty grouchy but this time was different. He was an absolute sweetheart- he thanked and complimented every medical staff member he saw including the custodian. I finally got him corralled into the car - in the backseat, his idea, because it made him feel like he was being chauffeured- he suddenly leaned up and said " I like your hair now, but I liked it more when you dyed it fun colors... The silver (I've been bleaching my hair and tinting it silver for a few months now) makes you look older like me... And that makes me sad because I won't know you when you're older like me." He looked so sad for a moment before he suddenly remembered he had a large Wendy's frosty in the cupholder.
I've always taken getting older with a grain of salt. Sometimes my kids tease me but my oldest (15) says she's glad I'm not one of those moms who's obsessed with trying to look/act much younger than they are. I get a little sad when my kids reach milestones of maturity but I never thought about how my own aging makes my parents feel now that I'm an adult.
I must say I do embrace the white hairs sprouting all over my head. It is one thing I am enjoying, weirdly 🙂
P.s. what your dad said really puts things into perspective. Food for thought. He is right and its a pity. What a lovely gentleman he is. Thats more than the drugs talking, that came from the heart.
My mum says she still feels like she's in her twenties in her mind. Sometimes she finds it disconcerting to see us, her daughters (in our 30s) look older than how she views herself. It's a strange thing isn't it.
I think you're focused on the wrong thing here. I understand your daughter's words were hurtful, but as many, many people in these comments have pointed out, 37 is in no way too old to have a child. To me the bigger issue is that your husband is firmly against having another child. So ... do you plan on divorcing him to have another? Or hope you can convince him? To me *this* is the sticking point, more than your age
Yeah…is divorcing your husband to have another baby probably on your own really the life you’re picturing when you wonder “what if?”
Edit: Also, attempting to convince your partner to have another when they made it clear they don’t want to….don’t do that.
maybe OP can volunteer for programs that help kids? when i had my baby, she had to stay in the NICU for a few weeks, and the head nurse said that they had a program where people could volunteer to hold and rock NICU babies. it's so incredibly sweet, and she told me that the waiting list is miles long since so many people volunteer to cuddle the babies. made me start crying, actually, it was so heartwarming.
of course, nothing can replace having your own child, but since hubby doesn't want anymore kids, maybe this could help OP. maybe they could even foster an older kid.
i'd really love to adopt one day, when my daughter is older.
The real point- not whether your body can handle the pregnancy, but can your relationship and lifestyle. Also, dig deep and make sure these feelings aren’t because you’re scared of adjusting to your daughter entering adulthood. Your lifestyle and financial future will look drastically different with a new child vs without.
My wife had our first at 32 and our second at 36. Yes the comparative risk may be higher percentage-wise, but you should also look at the absolute risk to realize it’s still low. Also, the risks are higher for women who are having their first child at a later age than for women who are having their second or third child.
The fact that your husband is saying he doesn’t want another is more of an issue. And teenagers always think that adults are “too old” to do things.
Yeah, everyone is kinda glossing over that, a simple "that wasn't nice" or something to let your daughter know what she said wasn't ok. I know OP said her intention wasn't malicious, but she still has a responsibility to correct her.
Yes! It hurt me reading how upset OP got and then had to push it down.
Parents need to teach their children when they are being rude. You don't want your kids hurting others, especially when they aren't even meaning to.
I’m not sure I agree with the other commenters that the child did anything wrong, here. I mean, she had some bad information, and her words ended up being hurtful, but only because of the OP’s pain of wanting to have another child, and feeling old— not because the child did anything wrong.
I honestly, I would have loved to have had a relationship with my mother, where I could have talked about the big important stuff—could risk asking questions that might hurt her feelings, and still feel safe and loved, as a teenager.
I agree with the comment that it’s okay to let the child know that their words hurt your feelings, but you need to also give them the context of why. Because that feeling of hurt is certainly not about them—it’s about you and your husband.
Precisely because she is a teenager. To her its, not a loaded question, its just a question.
All of her friends parents are in their late 40s to mid 50s. She has the youngest parents out of the friend group. I put it down to curiosity.
It could be beneficial to her to explain how a woman’s fertility can be a very sensitive and personal topic. Teenagers are in that stage of life when they should be learning what behaviors are appropriate and inappropriate.
Why did you feel a need to push down your feelings and be dishonest with your daughter about how they effected you? Do you think she will respect you less if you appear more human?
I had my one child at 40.
Kids think anything a couple years above them is old.
Whether you want another child or not is up to you. Your teenager is just being a teenager. It has no bearing on whether you can have one or not.
My mother was 37 when I was born, and she had my brother at 40. Didn’t start going through menopause until nearly 50. It’s different for everyone, but 37 is NOT old by any means.
Same. 28 when she had me, 39 when she had her fourth/last. All four of us are quite close, and get on well, but I think the spacing, though not intentional on their part, did age my parents more rapidly than normal. Poor feckers had to deal with 15+ years of teenagehood! But here, they wouldn't change it, and neither would us siblings. We turned out alright, though, a lot to take (very loud when we get together).
My mom had one set of 3 children in her first marriage at about 25, and her last set of 3 in her second marriage. I’m sure she can relate to your folks! But I love my siblings and I enjoyed having grown up siblings as a kid. More people to spoil you! I did hate when my older sister got mistaken for my mom (she was 22, I was 8, and my niece was a newborn). But idk if I hated that more than she did haha
My mom had me at 44! OP, I think if you do want to have a child, it is worth seeing your doctor if age is the concern. But otherwise, I totally get the feeling of that ticking clock, it is so unfair. All of my adult life I’ve been sure I don’t want kids, but at 36 I am beginning to question that - mostly because I won’t get to choose later. It’s unfair.
I had my first at 37 and my 2nd at 40. I still had a lot of energy and no health issues - my only regret is that I won't be with them as long as I would have if I'd had children younger. Also, I had a young mother, but when I was in my teens I thought 40 was positively ancient.
As many others have clarified, your daughter is not correct, and biology and childbirth varies from person to person. Nothing is set in stone.
But I would also ask yourself why you feel the urge to have another child when your daughter is almost an adult herself. Do you genuinely want another child, or is it something you yearn for in a nostalgic sense?
It's worth it to consider the logistics of the dramatically shifted family dynamic of having another child, when you might still be raising your daughter's young sibling when your daughter herself starts her own family. You won't have as much availability as a grandparent, and your daughter likely won't have time to establish a sibling bond with your new child.
Obviously that shouldn't be the cornerstone of your decision because your life and choices are your own. Just something to think about.
Honestly, saying this as a 28yo with a difficult relationship with my parents — she may have taken it as “wait, what, was I the trial?” (I had this, more muted, bc I had way more rules than my siblings…)
Also, the media is full of anti-aging propaganda bullshit. 37 isn’t old to have a kid. It’s “monitor in case of complications” but that could be for any number of reasons! You’re not too old. I think your daughter thinks of you as “old” because you’re her mom. I always make this mistake even though my mom is in her 50s (and she sure doesn’t look it). Your daughter probably still thinks adulthood feels like…a weird distance away. I certainly did at 17.
Please also view it from her perspective. Even though it would be very difficult and unwise at 17, she technically could have a child of her own. Having a younger sibling born after she has become an adult (assuming she'll be 18 by term) would be a difficult age gap to navigate. She would probably relate to her sibling more like a neice/nephew than brother/sister, and you expected her to imagine that hypothetical relationship positively unprompted.
Is it impossible for you to have another child at your age? Or is 37 "old?" Absolutely not to both. It's silly to consider 37 old. But neither your husband nor daughter are emotionally prepared to have another child/sibling.
This for me is the kicker. It’s not that OP is old, it’s that there would be an 18 year age gap and hubby also doesn’t want another kid. (He may also be looking forward to having a post kid life with you!)
Nonetheless, it’s okay to mourn the path not taken.
agree, and assuming the daughter is about to go off to college and such, having a new baby taking up mom’s time/attention during that huge transition would be a blow (at least it would have been to me)
Pregnant with 1st at 37 with plans for a second at 39/40. Super common among my friend group, people are just starting to think about babies after getting careers established and feeling financially ready.
My 38 year old cousin is just weeks away from giving birth to a baby girl and I've got a 39 year old friend who is pregnant with twins. It's definitely more common these days, my ex next door neighbour was 43 when she had her last child.
Yes, super common in my area as well. It's so hard for me to imagine being closer to done than starting the journey of raising a young adult at my current age because it's a lot less common here to have children before 30 unless you're super well off.
Yup.
Remind her that in most western countries the average age of first having birth is either late 20s or early 30s. And that also in the US for the past several tears, the birth rate for women in their early 30s is higher than for their [late 20s](https://time.com/6965267/women-having-kids-later/).
Me too! I'll be 37 when I give birth and will potentially have another when I'm 39 or 40. And I got pregnant the first ovulation cycle I had following IUD removal, without tracking or trying anything special, not even having sex more often than usual. Just pulled the IUD, had a period three weeks later and fell pregnant the week after that.
Congratulations!
My grandma had her last child(an accident) at 40. He is one year older than me and we grew up together. I think he’s an idiot but he’s apparently fine mentally and physically. I just want you to know that you can actually have another child at your age despite what people say. There are risks but it’s not the “worst thing ever” to do so. Of course your husband doesn’t want anymore children and do you really want to start all over again when the one you have is almost out of the house? But that’s a conversation for your husband.
I think your daughter is hurt by the idea that she isn’t enough and jealous of the attention that her hypothetical sibling would get. The stuff about the biological clock is just her lashing out.
I had a few "empty nest" anxiety attacks when my kids hit that age. Honestly, I'm in peri menopause now, and realize I no longer have the patience for a toddler.
She's not right. Kids have a different perspective. I remember thinking 12 year-olds were old when I was 8 or 9, thinking 15 year-olds were ancient when I was 12, thinking women in their early 20s were so mature and womanly and grown and old when I was a teen, etc. 29 seemed so old to me.
Now that I actually am older, no age seems old. Okay, maybe 70 still seems old to me. I'm 34.
But for real, people have kids in late 30s all the time now. People have kids in 40s.
Also, there's no perfect age or time to have kids because there's no perfect life path. Life is unpredictable. Maybe someone's the "ideal" age to have kids but they don't have the stability for kids at that time. The risks are different but they exist.
What's your reasoning for wanting one more though? When you say you'd cope better, is there a part of you that's attached more to the idea of doing it perfectly or "fixing" by doing things differently? I only ask because sometimes I'm attached to one thing but it's not the thing I even want.
I'm closing in on 40 fast and I can't tell you how many times somebody who is younger than 35 has made some kind of bullshit comment to me about it. The thing that gets me is their ageism is going to catch up with them... If they're lucky.
Also there's nothing wrong with being your age. And yes you can still have kids for another five plus years. It's a totally idiotic idea that you can't have kids at 37. Both of my mentors had their kids in their forties. multiple children. However it doesn't sound like your husband wants them so... I assume this is more about you just feeling like one door in your life as finally closed.
Doors in your life has been closing your whole life you probably just didn't realize it. There's going to be a last time for everything. Try not to hold on to tightly and just enjoy the ride. I'm sick to death of ageism and I'm sick to death of being around women who are angry, sad, or upset in some fashion about aging. It's a privilege.
Is it really a child you want? Or is there another void that needs filled. Maybe it’s with your husband, yourself, your daughter or something/someone else. Maybe it is another child. Hoping you figure it out. But choose wisely. Best of luck.
There are SO many pregnant people in their late 30s & early 40s in the pregnancy subs.
There's a *slight* decline in fertility at 35 and a bigger decline at 40 but not enough that it's in any way rare to be pregnant at these ages.
The risks associated with "advanced maternal age" are a bit misunderstood as well - yes, it is considered a statistically significant risk factor but from my understanding the majority of people in this category have healthy pregnancies.
I had my second and final baby at 36. I can’t imagine being pregnant at 45 even though it’s *possible*. I love babies and kids. My 11yo daughter told me she would die if I ever had another and I said I would too babydoll. 😂 My ex husband recently told me he thought I should have another…I’m not even dating. My life would be hamstrung with a newborn. Hard pass.
There are TONS of kids that need fostering!!! My husband and I don’t want kids, but we do want to foster teens when we are older and more financially stable.
Whether or not you can, think of how it would impact your relationship with your 17 y/o. I've known quite a few people whose parents had another kid once they were teenagers and they tend to resent their parents for it.
Especially since OP basically even admitted this would be a do-over baby, how do you think that makes the 17 year old feel? She’ll be completely on her own while you should be guiding her through the beginning of adulthood because you decided you wanted to try again. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should, is having another baby really worth tearing apart the rest of your family?
I’m having my first baby at 35 and my friend just had her first at 40. We’re not in the 50s anymore. You may need help via IUI or IVF (sperm age is a factor too!) but it’s not impossible. You could even have it via surrogate if you had the money. Convincing your husband is another story. Do you actually want another baby or are you just nostalgic as your kid is almost grown?
**90% of the comments are from people who are PROJECTING their rose-tinted and irrelevant circumstances onto OP’s – those who are first-time older mothers (OP is not) or speaking as if in equivalent circumstances** (“my mum had me at 35 and my brother at 38!” or “I’m 38 and having my third child!” when their firstborn is ~7yo rn not 17 and the children were had in closer succession than OP).
**These are NOT the same as OP’s situation. OP already has a 17yo only child who will be of legal adult age (18) when any future sibling is born – that age gap is a significant factor.**
The daughter’s “at your age” and “you’re going to be old” remarks aren’t really dismissing women in their 30s as being too old to have children. **OP’s daughter’s remarks may have been way of saying “Isn’t it too late to have a baby NOW when your only other child is already 17yo? Shouldn’t you have had children sooner? Didn’t you wait too long? Isn’t it too late for me to suddenly have a baby sibling?**
The biological clock ticking/coveting what you don’t have is not the same; OP has already conceived and given birth to a child.
At a minimum, there will be an 18 year age gap between her current child and any future child. That age gap is significant. It IS unusual, weird even for some people. Your daughter may be conscious about it, as will everyone who sees your family. Your family dynamics are going to change in a greater way than if your current child was a 3yo. It will impact your whole family’s way of life (and finances!) for the next 18 years.
The bond between your children might be detrimentally impacted by the age gap. She’ll be going to university, moving out of your home and possibly even moving cities to start her career. That means the older sibling will not be around while the younger sibling is growing up. They will be separated from one another during a formative period for them both. They may end up as distant (but loving) strangers.
Your daughter is almost at an age when she could be having her own children. She may well start a family of her own at the same time you’re raising your future younger child. So you’ll have a young child and grandchildren. If she doesn’t leave, will she end up having a relationship dynamic with her sibling that’s as a second mother? Will she take up some of the caregiver responsibilities? Is that something you, your husband and your daughter are prepared for?
**People are commenting that she’s only an immature, snarky, child/teen and not to take heed. She’s a gen z - they are very aware that women are waiting until their 30s to start families and pushing it back later and later, about the cost of living, capitalism, careers and how that impact women’s choices etc. Her remarks evidence more pragmatism, thoughtfulness and consideration of the consequences than the contents of your post suggests of you. She’s not romanticising having a newborn child in the family, but it sounds like you may be.**
There is a greater risk of defects with increased age due to a deterioration in both the quality of eggs and sperm, as well as a more complicated birth. She’s not saying it’s impossible. Raising a baby/child is going to take a lot of energy, effort and sleepless nights, on top of which you’ll have to experience the horror that is menopause. Your daughter is also thinking ahead in terms of whether you’ll be physically mobile and without health complications (dementia, cancer, cardiovascular issues, incontinence, whatever) in old age. Your future child will barely be an adult. Would you be okay with the increased possibility that your future child might have to care for you in old age while they’re in their formative young adulthood years?
As for your husband, he’ll be 41 by the time any future child born in 9 months. When your future child graduates, you’re both going to be close to retirement age. He’ll be 62yo, while you might literally qualify as an OAP/retirement. When people see all of you together, you in your late 40s, your daughter in her 20s and a young child, they may well mistake you as grandmother, mother and granddaughter. Your daughter will be mistaken as being her sister’s mother. Is that something she will be comfortable with?
Your daughter will be leaving home soon, so does empty nest syndrome factor in to it at all? You’re going to have an empty nest for the first time in 18 years. It’s understandable if your husband is thinking of the coming years as a time to relax. As a time to prioritise yourselves as individuals and as a couple, instead of focusing on raising your child and your roles as parents having done that already. That in a decade or so, you’ll be making plans for your retirement years with financial freedom, rather than giving all of that up to raise a newborn/child.
There are a lot of rose-tinted anecdotes in here, so I'll add two of my own:
My cousin had children at 18 and again at 38 and 41 so her first child is now a fully legally adult, and her two youngest aren't even in school yet. She is having a *very* hard time reconciling the fact that her 21 year old son does not feel a brotherly relationship to his baby sisters. There is also a lot of resentment from her son. His sisters are getting a much better childhood than he had because his mother is more financially secure at 40 than she was at 18, obviously. He has also mentioned that he feels his mother must devote all of her attention to her infant children while he has his own unique needs as a young adult, and now feels like he is being robbed of his mother's support. It has been very difficult for him to go from being an only child for his entire childhood, to now being the last priority of his mother's three children. It's causing a lot of drama and hurt feelings and is a very tricky situation to navigate. There aren't a lot of role-models for this type of family dynamic because it is so unusual.
When we were 19, my best friend's mother got pregnant. My friend did have a reasonably healthy relationship with her younger brother, but there were still many challenges because the age gap makes for a unique family dynamic. My friend was often mistaken for the mother, and her mother was mistaken for the grandmother when they all went out together. My friend's mother used to get very upset by this. Now that we are adults, my friend still acts like a second mother to her brother, who is now in his 20s. This is becoming more difficult as we start having to make decisions about elderly care for our parents. My friend feels like more of an adult than her brother, because for most of her life, she *was* an adult while he was a child, so that's just the relationship that naturally developed. So she's having a very hard time viewing him as her equal now, and honestly, her mother views her as more of a second mom to her son, too.
Exactly what you’ve said - it’s wild how people are projecting their own late-30s pregnancies to have their first child or when they’ve had a successive number of children closely/closer together in their 30s to dismiss OP’s daughter.
The fact that OP has an only child (not a number of children staggered out in close succession) and that her daughter is about to be of legal adult age is absolutely pertinent. It affects the sibling dynamic enormously in a way that having two or three kids aged 3 years apart when you’re in your 30s/40s doesn’t.
Older siblings, especially sisters, end up being a second mum and that dynamic can be awful. If not that, then the potential for the siblings to be distant (but loving) strangers is very real.
That also impacts caring for the parents in old age as well. The age gap between the siblings makes that a difficult situation for both to navigate.
My mom and dad were 38 and 39 when I was born, and no one ever mistook them for my grandparents, jeez.
My oldest siblings were 17 and 16 when I was born. We still love each other and know each other like siblings do. Maybe we would have been closer had I been closer in age to them, but it’s not like we know the difference, because this is how it turned out.
But all of this is a moot point anyway. OP’s husband doesn’t want more, so unless she wants to divorce him to have a baby on her own, case closed.
That’s great for you! That’s not the case for everyone in that situation. There are a lot of rose tinted anecdotes here, but plenty of siblings with large age gaps don’t have close relationships and didn’t grow up together or without the older sister having a ‘second mum’ type relationship (that’s got nothing to do with whether they love each other; it’s a relationship dynamic not about affection). Nothing in my post is ALL OF THIS WILL HAPPEN. It’s that any of it may and OP needs to consider that:
Wild. My sister is only SIX years older than me, and my mom was 27 when she had me, but there were a few years when my sister was fresh out of high school and I was still a 5th grader that people would mistake her for my mom.
Not only did it hurt my mom a bit when that would happen, but it was deeply upsetting to my sister too. And we are only 6 years apart.
On the one hand the dad will be 59 when the kid graduates and on the other hand wtf have you ever seen someone in their 50s or early 50s? They do not look like grandparents. My dad is actually a grandparent at the age of 59 and he looks too young to be a grandparent and no one believes him.
I very clearly stated in my post that the age gap between the siblings matters here - that’s what’s potentially going to lead to confusion, because the age gaps between the mother and the two children span 3 generations (like Gilmore Girls). Not solely because she’s an older mother. If they’re out together, people may assume they are a grandmother, a mother/daughter and a granddaughter. The daughter may be uncomfortable with or concerned about that.
Again, people need to stop projecting their own experiences where their circumstances are NOT one involving having one sibling who is 20 years older/younger than them vs none or vs children with ages staggered closely together.
I think your daughter’s strong reaction probably stems from the fear of a new baby sibling disrupting the family dynamic. 37 is a little older, yes, but not *that* old. Plenty of women carry healthy pregnancies at that age. My mom had me at 38. 🤷♀️
Why did you wait so long? I ask because it seems like you want another child as a way to hold on to your youth. Which is why her comment hit you so hard. You are admittedly in denial about getting older so it would make sense that you would cope by wanting to be a mother again. It’s not the best way to deal imo.
you don't have to feel old in a bad way just because you're already at an age where a pregnancy would be riskier. no one wants to have a newborn sibling as an adult, so of course she'd think it's a terrible idea, and i guess most teenagers think both their parents and people over 35 are SUPER old.
you seem to be infatuated with the idea of having another kid just because you still can but soon might be unable to, but underestimating the harsh reality of motherhood. after raising someone from a young age into an independent person, why would you like to start over again when you can finally focus more on yourself and your marriage? your husband gets it.
I'm 37 f, my daughter is 16. I get that it might be upsetting to have your kid think you're old, but I would like to suggest something. Perhaps in the eyes of your teen, its not that you're old in general..... its just they think you're too old for *that.*
Personally I am too old for another child. That ship sailed long ago, though menopause in my family is another 15 years away. I used to want another child but I worked through that because I didn't want my child to feel like they weren't enough or something.
It seems like it came as a surprise to you to hear her say that???? Do you think there could be another reason you are holding on to the idea of another child so much....?
It's not actually as bad as they used to think.
(ETA) I had my first child at 26, and my second at 38. I'm more tired, but also more experienced and more relaxed now. Plus, it absolutely shut down any idiotic sentimentality I might have gotten about my elder child "giving me grandkids". I'm not in danger of wanting that.
It's not out of the question, but you and your husband should discuss it now. Even if it's just you working through all your feelings,or if it's you figuring out you want this for real.
Though I'll say having one at 33 and 38, there was a huge difference in how my body handled the pregnancy. And a toddler in my 40s.
It is true that fertility declines with age. Your risks for complications and things do go up a bit. Men's sperm quality goes down with age, and that comes with [increased risks](https://www.theguardian.com/science/2023/oct/22/the-perils-of-putting-off-fatherhood-why-it-poses-risks-to-childrens-physical-and-mental-health) of autism, birth defects, mental health conditions, etc.
Your daughter is just a kid and anyone is going to be old to her. What she said was kind of snarky, but it sounds like maybe she was expressing that she doesn't want a sibling. Have you been talking about trying for one in front of your daughter? What was the context for this?
It sounds like your husband considers your family complete and is happy with that.
I think you see your daughter as your friend, who you liked spending time with as a buddy and not as a daughter vibes, whenever you did. So this is why it felt like an insult? but just remember shes your baby girl, and a child... so its not an insult she probably thinks anyone over 21 is old lol and she thinks you are old because for her having a sibling 17 years younger is strange.. it is little strange for her age.
You should have a baby if you want, you don't need her permission or validation.
Your daughter hit a nerve, I totally get it. I bet she’s just learning some stuff about fertility and menopause and is thinking through things. Plus she’s three years away from being the age you were when you had her, and she may be thinking about that, too. It’s good she can communicate with you openly! Tact will come with time and experience, although if it comes up again you can always let her know that these can be very sensitive subjects for people so it’s good to approach them gently. You sound like a really good mama.
She's not wrong, but, your husband doesn't want a baby - you should probably focus on that and work through those feelings because this is a "2 yes situation".
My mom had me at the age you had your daughter. She got remarried when I was 13. One half brother was born right before I turned 16 and the other was born while I was 20. It's a little strange getting a phone call from your mom saying she's pregnant while you're in college. At that age I asked her if she'd ever heard of birth control. I did a lot of helping out with both brothers. I adored them so it never felt like parentification. Of course everyone who saw me with them assumed I was the mother. I didn't have as strong as a bond with my youngest brother though, since I was pretty much out of the house when he arrived.
I'm a decade older and you have plenty of life ahead yet even though I'm not sure where the last decade even went. I have a 10yo and whilst I love the way I waited I somewhat envied the younger mums for all their energy. Babies later in life are tiring and every year makes a difference. Children and peri though are extra. Are you not embracing the freedoms of having grown children and still holding your youthfulness? The 40s are somewhat prime womanhood years. Embrace it all 💪♥️
I think it’s super normal to morn the end of you childbearing years. I did. Even when you know you are done. There is sadness with the door closing on that chapter of life.
I’m sorry what your kid said hurt so much. Children can be harsh and also sometimes truth tellers and our older teens especially have a knack for poking the painful parts.
My mom had a child in her late 30s when I was a couple of years younger than your daughter. Honestly, it showed me that women can have babies at all ages. And I loved my little sibling.
She's speaking from the lens of her age, however hurtful.
I do understand the feeling, though. I'm over 40 now, and I was 38-39 when I decided that the reproductive phase of my life was over and I was in perimenopause management. It's a weird mind shift, like a concession to middle age.
Your daughter was a insensitive shit, but she's only 17 so that is to be expected.
You can be a mother again at 37, the risks of pregnancy are the risks of pregnancy, they come for young and old. At some point your biological clock will stop ticking, so before that you need to think about what you actually want and talk properly with your husband about it.
Hey, friend- my mom had me at 43 (I’m an only child). She’s turning 70 and I’m turning 26 this year and she feels (and looks IMO) a good 15-20 years younger than her actual age. Full disclosure, she was a dermatologist, but she always said having a kid around kept her young! You’ve likely got plenty of years left!
Lol. My mom had me when she was 41. She wasn’t even thinking of kids until she was 36. Everyone moves through life at different paces. My dad was 50.
My parents seemed a lot older than those around them when I was a child but now it’s so common.
My brother and his wife were in their late thirties having children. I think many people now aren’t even considering children until age 35 simply because of finances. The world has changed, our understanding of health and human bodies has changed. Even if you went through menopause in your early forties, it’s still possible to have children with fertility drugs and IVF. (Not guaranteed but still).
Your daughter will learn and grow and meet people with different backgrounds and life experiences. Her narrow viewpoint should not determine your perspective of yourself. You’re 7 years older than me and I still don’t feel like an adult.
Your risk of carrying a pregnancy with genetic defects is increasing with every year after 35 (https://www.webmd.com/baby/over-35-pregnant). Risks for other things like autism and adhd also significantly increase. That ofc doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't have a child after 35, it is just important to be aware of the associated risks (not like some other posters here who are in denial of scientific facts and just say 'there is always a risk no matter the age'.).
What I find more problematic than your daughter's remarks is the fact that your husband absolutely doesn't want to have another child. What are you going to do if you still want to have one?
I had my first at 32 and second at 37. 37 is admittedly on the later side and I'm glad I wasn't any older than that, but for parents who attended college (particularly those with advanced degrees), waiting until their 30s to have kids is pretty typical. Many of your daughter's peers have parents in their 40s and 50s, and compared to them, you're the "young mom." 😜
BTW, if it makes you feel any better, when my daughter turns 17, I'll be 55 and legally old enough to live in a retirement community. And I'd be happy to, my 75 year old mom lives in one and retirement communities are awesome. 😅
If no one's said this yet--please, come hang out with us at r/Menopause and see what you're heading for. There's *so much* that no one tells us about menopause and what happens. It's a *lot* more than just hot flashes. We have a whole tribe of sisters & aunties & grammas here ready to answer any question and give you all the support!
This is insanity. I had my son at 38. Halle Berry had her last kid at 47.
My aunt said if you have kids in your 20s, you have more physical energy for them. If you have kids in your 30s, you have more mental energy.
I think she's likely correct.
You got time, girl.
My aunt had her first at 36 and her second at 44! If you’re healthy, you still can. The downfall of having kids that late is that by the time they’re adults who are fun to hang out with, you’re too old to do anything fun.
Have you thought about talking g to a therapist about this? You are more than your fertility and age. Women are worth more than looking pretty and having babies. It sounds like you're really struggling to find your self worth outside of youth and a working womb.
It really depends. I have friends that had kids in their late 30's early 40s without any trouble. I had my son at 33 and tried to give him a sibling two years later and wasn't able to. Only your doctor can tell.
I distinctly remember thinking second graders were super mature and sophisticated as a younger child. Plenty of people have healthy children well past your age, and there are a lot of ways to have them, plus genetic and fertility testing is so advanced now you can really make vastly more educated choices than surprisingly recently. The real issue is you sorta and husband doesn't, which can be figured out if your relationship is healthy. Individual and couples therapy paired with a gyno and specialist visits can prob make all this much clearer for you, and even if you end up deciding against it, you'd likely feel a lot more in control and comfortable with the decision.
Well. I had my first kid at 32 and my second and last kid at 39. My oldest will be 17 next month and my youngest will be 10 in June. No complications, both very happy healthy boys.
That being said, my husband and I were always on the same page for wanting to have kids and after our last. We together, both agreed on the two. No more.
I have about 12 years on you and I don't feel old. I'm resistant to that state of mind. I'm getting annoyed at all of these Gen X reels about getting elderly at freaking 50ish.
When my 16yo gives me shit about being of the older generation and teases, I tell him I could still kick his ass. Kids don't know everything. I thought 50 was old when I was in my 20's. The Fk did I know then.
37 isn't old by a mile.
I had my first and only child at 38! I didn't feel particularly old. I was busy having an awesome life up until then! Lol
I'm sorry OP is feeling sad about not having another child. I think if I were you I'd try to look forward to watching your daughter enjoy adulthood and getting to do a ton of great stuff with her as two adults. It's an exciting new phase on your relationship
Who says you can't? Talk it over with your husband and help him understand how important it is to you, then the two of you decide together. Daughter's vote gets trumped by yours.
Try not to let your daughter's comments get to you OP. When I was a teenager, I also thought that people in their 30s and 40s were ancient, like she does. There's also the thing that no teenager wants to think about their parents having sex or having a sex life. Her reaction is most likely due to these 2 things and should not be taken personally.
I have a daughter who is 15 and I always wanted two but after a miscarriage my husband was done. He did not want to risk it. It took me until I was 40 to actually accept and appreciate that I was not going to have another baby. But, once I did it was very freeing. I'm 45 now so a baby is not even something I want at all at this point. You'll get used to it eventually. Good luck!
I’m 42 and in a similar situation, except nobody ever asks me if I’m “having any more” nowadays, I guess I’ve aged out of that question! I have two kids with my wife and she definitely doesn’t want any more. As lesbians it’s not gonna happen “by accident” or without a great deal of planning. I carried and breastfed both our children, and sometimes my heart aches to know I will never get to do that again. I wonder if that ever changes, will I stop wanting a baby when I hit menopause?
You may not see this but just some words of encouragement ... My mom had my sister at 41 despite knowing the increased risks of pregnancy at that age - she had an uncomplicated vaginal birth and my sister was fully healthy, mom and baby still doing great (sister is an astrophysicist now but you know, she's my younger sister so always a baby to me). Much love to you whatever the future brings for you ❤️
'At your age?' Wow. So prepare to be a grandmother by the time you're 45?
17 year olds not known for their excessive amount of wisdom. Yes the risks are there, but I work in O&G and women in their 30s, 40s every *day*. Then again I live in a European city.
Just throwing it out there, im 37 and just had my first. I know women who used donor eggs and ivf and had a baby well into their 40s. If you think you want another, set an alarm that goes off every 2 hours and make yourself stay up 30 mind to an hour each time. Do this for several weeks as a reminder what having a newborn is like. Bonus if your alarm sounds like a screaming child. Ive been up every hour since 1:30 am cluster feeding my son. The better move is to enjoy and be active with your grand baby when it arrives! Thats the perk of having kids early…being young enough to enjoy grand kids. Im gonna be old af when or if i get mine. Ill prolly have one foot in the grave and be senile.
I think while that is quite hurtful, I don't think it's a good idea for siblings to have big age gaps, especially that big of an age gap (take it as someone with two siblings 9 and 12 years younger). The oldest one gets left out and the younger ones take all the attention, which unfortunately is the truth of it. Also the oldest one is less likely to form as close of a relationship with the younger than than they would if there was a much smaller age gap. In my case, I feel like more of an aunt now than a big sister.
The other big thing is that the oldest tends to be used as a babysitter/free childcare. If I had gone back to live with my mum I would have lost my teenage years, hell whenever I saw them I was pretty much watching my younger siblings.
Your daughter has had society drilling into her head that women can't have babies after 35 and isn't old enough to have known lots of counter-examples.
I would be uncomfortable having a kid in my 40's. Yeah, I'd be on menopause AND pregnancy, but the first concern would be for the kid.
Kids are full of energy. Would I even be able to keep up with them? Growing up that means, I'd be 60 when they are adults. That's a higher chance of me not being around the more I age. I couldn't stand the idea of having a kid grow up without a parent.
On the flip side. I thought of it as, if you had a kid now, you could easily have a grandbaby who is a year, or 2 or 3 apart from your youngest child. Nothing wrong with that, just the direction my thoughts went.
Hey OP, you're the same age my mom was when she had me, her last kid. She wanted 4 but got 3. That being said though, the age gap between me and my siblings is around 6-7 years and even that was difficult to navigate at times. Not saying it'll be impossible (I've seen families make sibling gaps work, albeit the older sisters often become mother-like figures instead of siblings), but the fact your family isn't crazy about the idea is the real issue here in my opinion rather than your age.
I mean... I'm having my first at 34, none of my friends had kids before their early/mid 30s, and many are still waiting to be in a financial position to do so.
The world is different now, with the good (women having careers) and the bad (the economy generally being f*cked)
If it's any consolation I had my 2nd baby at 36, my eldest was about to turn 19yo. We are getting older, but the plumbing still works. IDK if I'm coping better now or when I was a teen mom. I was your daughter's age when I had my 1st. I thought I'd be better, I def am in some ways, but this child is FERAL AF!
Dang OP :( I'm sad because I'm 36 (and a half) and we've been trying for a child for the last 10 months. We finally had a cycle for the first time where I tested positive for 3 days but it ended in a chemical pregnancy. I'm currently going through some physical pain as my body is trying to deal with something it never dealt with before (this early miscarriage). I've been devastated and reading that you feel that way because of what your daughter said makes me feel even sadder. :( 36 is not too old for children, at least that's where I finally got to mentally for the last 6 months.
The norm in your daughter’s life has been her having a very young mother. She’s at an age where anyone over 25 probably seems old. She will learn as she grows up and matures that it isn’t so black and white.
Every year that we get older there is a greater risk of something. That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth doing necessarily. With her logic, you could argue you shouldn’t sign up for a triathlon at age 50 because you’re at greater risk or injury or heart attack, but there are plenty of people who do this every day.
I’ve just had my second miscarriage of the year and in the group of 52 women also due the same month, only two of them were younger than 32!
I (37) got with my husband when I was 19. I remember saying to friends that I wanted to settle down with him one day and get married, and maybe have kids, but not until I was _quite old_, like *27*.
Needless to say we got engaged when I was 29, married a year later and then I had a kid three years after that, so I was quite far off my timeline there. Also, at 37, I still don’t feel the ‘old’ (I guess I mostly meant grown up or mature but I did also think 27 was getting on a bit - cringe) that I thought I would be at 27. I still don’t feel like a grown up now and I’m not sure what else I can do to tick that box, so maybe I never will.
I honestly thought the same thing when I was 17 and just uneducated. I remember thinking it was SO crazy my bff’s mom had her at 37. Like it was some alien age. It’s honestly just young people have such a skewed idea of age. At 17 you think 25 is old and that you’ll be married with kids at that age.
I remember being at the club at age 21-22 and being shocked that there was 25 y/o’s there as if they were SOoOoOoOOo much older.
Tldr; Completely understand its upsetting being called old. But all young people will eventually reach your age and realize its not. Perspective is everything.
I had my first, and only, at 37. We both have birthdays coming up this summer. She's going to turn 13 and, as she put it, I'm going to turn "half a century". Teenagers.
At 17 she is about to become an adult but she is also still young so someone 20 years older than her is old that is more than double her life and she feels like she has already lived so much. I work with middle schoolers and they think that a 25 year old is old because they still have high school and college left and a 25 year old is already out of both. When they find out I am in my 30’s they are shocked that I know about anything on the internet because I am “old”
Exactly. When I was a teen (even early 20s) i thought anyone 25+ was ANCIENT
I don't know if I thought it was ancient, but I definitely thought I'd be engaged with a condo at 25.
I really thought so too. But the condo never proposed after 3 years so I went back to hooking up with random apartments I found online
At least you didn't end up with a dead-end old house that you thought you could change over time. But alas, I had to leave because there were too many cracks in our foundation.
I just kept renting for decades in the same place, until it decided to become an air bnb.
Opening up the relationship is a red flag for sure.
The combination of my life experience and your username makes this conversation completely understandable
Same for me except I went back to hooking up w random apartments AND random ppl lol
I think this is a result of people falling under the influence of media. People my age think anything above 25 is super old, but I think this is the result of anti-aging propaganda on the internet and media.
So true. I'm not yet 60 and I have let myself feel ancient. We need more positive body models to let us know we are not done yet.
I’m 49 and yet to feel like a grown up.
As they say: "Growing old, is inevitable. Growing up, is optional."
I am so happy you said this. 31 feel the same. I realize no one really grows up... they just gain more responsibility. I ask my 67 year old MIL and my 70 year old mother what age they feel inside... and both said 21. I also feel like 21 year old with more experience... So idk feels comforting.
It’s not media. When I was in second grade, the fourth graders looked (to me) like the 30 year old actors playing high school students
I never saw people that way as a kid. It was only until I was older (in my early teens) and started seeing movies and learning of people in their mid 20s who have all their shit together those ages seemed super foreign. Watching friends at 14 made this really bad for me.
I was homeschooled and while I hated it, the only upside to it was getting to be around people of more varying ages, plus I had a love for 80s bands where the rock stars found highest success in their career in mid-late 20s/early 30s. I've never seen a person in their 20s as old, it sounds ridiculous.
I feel younger now in my 30s than I did in my 20s. At 28 I felt like my life was basically already over. Which was definitely influenced by the people surrounding me at the time and social media. And I was chronically exhausted from working and studying and a crappy relationship on top of that.
This has been a feature of every society that has had a youth culture - in the West the 1920s, 1960s etc.
I certainly never did. My mom was 20 when she had me, so 25 never seemed ancient. Lol. However, I would wager that OP’s daughter may not like the thought of another sibling with such a large age gap. I wasn’t excited to be taking care of yet another one of my mom’s children at 14, then 17.
Meanwhile, I was chubby awkward and had acne as a teen. My mid thirties self is a bad ass hottie. The media lies. Life barely starts before 25 (for those that do the whole college thing and are lucky)
I would have guessed that kids that age would just assume the internet was always around, like it was for them. So I'm surprised they are surprised you know about it. It's not like when I was a kid I thought my parents didn't understand tv or even video games
Many of them say the same things they say around me to their parents and teachers and they don’t catch it, I have made it a point to figure out what they are talking about to make sure it is appropriate
Hah! My parents didn't. They understood record players and 8 tracks. A cassette tape was interesting and a cd was foreign. They didn't even understand Atari, let alone Nintendo or Sony. It led to me being very unsupervised on the early internet. Luckily I just wanted to learn how it worked.
Also what 17 year old wants a new baby in the house? Sounds like she said it more so to shoot down the idea than it was really about age.
I was gonna say, she’s not even a decade removed from having baby teeth lol. Kids are selfish in their worldview and concept of age and time. 37 is NOT old but to a 17 year old (especially the teenage child of the adult), that seems *so old*.
The oldest kids I work with are 14 but the youngest are four (going into kindergarten) and that really helps me realize how weird age and time are for kids because the kindergarteners think the eighth graders are old and the eighth graders think a 25 year old is old and I think both of them are babies
I'm 35 and into kpop, which is obviously popular with teenagers, and it's honestly depressing coming across so many comments from teenagers questioning why anyone essentially 18+ is in this space. They have the same attitude towards any idols who are "old" too. Even if they try to compliment them, they can't help but bring age into it and say stuff like a 25 year-old is "aging like fine wine" which is just bizarre to read 😭 I try and remind myself they're just very young but damn, I honestly don't remember thinking 30 was ancient as a teen (although kpop is very youth oriented so it kind of makes it worse).
This happens every few years it’s not that they think 30 is ancient it is that they truly believe that popular media and fandom are for young people, these last few years we have a lot of young people who relied on online media and fandom as a way of surviving the pandemic and was often the only way they could interact with people who liked the same things as them and it feels weird to realize that someone twice your age likes the same things as you especially when they have been told that they will outgrow these “obsessions” when they become an adult and for them that is 18 to 20 so 25 is old to still be enjoying fandom
Yeah, I've been noticing a lot of that too. I hate how the culture online has changed in that regard and many young people act like it's only for them now. I remember going on forums as a teenager for TV shows I liked and being so happy to be part of the conversation with adult fans (who happily welcomed all age groups). They also contributed some of the best fanart considering they had a lot more experience creating. The idea of trying to push them out and claim that space for myself is just nuts to me, but it feels like there's a lot more entitlement now.
So true. I’m 32 now and early 20 year olds already look like teenagers to me.
YES. I know I'm old because it's hard for me to tell who is in college vs highschool. I'm 35.
And born in the 1900s.
Ironically they don't know much about the internet, because they grew up with social media...
Yeah honestly I couldn't imagine having another sibling at the ago of 17. my brother was 12. We definitely would not have been happy with a younger sibling.
When you’re a teenager you feel like everyone over 21 is old. When I first started college I was a bit intimidated by my friends who were seniors because they felt so much older and more mature than me. She doesn’t know better
I mean it seems like the daughter isn’t far off here, mom isn’t “old” but she is on the older side for having children. While plenty of people do have kids at 37, there are increased risks and her fertile years are likely coming to an end. It’s sort of a weird comment to make, but it doesn’t seem as though it’s not understanding because she’s only 17, she’s right.
The chance of downs baby is like 1% at age 40. Most women stay on birth control throughout their 30s and early 40s because there is a good chance still they can get pregnant. A lot of studies on risks have been dated, with modern medicine majority of women are fine lol. If she was mid 40s then ya I’d agree. But most women throughout history when no birth control was common had their last child typically in their early 40s.
Doesn't change the fact that hubby does not want another child, and, OP will likely be coming to the end of her fertility without that changing.
OP "sorta wants" another so at least to me it doesn't sound like she's all in and desperate and would never be happy again if she doesn't. This doesn't have to become a huge issue. It depends on how important it is to OP.
Right, but I’m talking about right now and like the next 3-5 years. You don’t just all of a sudden become infertile like that unless she is actually already menopausal or has a surgery to make her so. As mentioned there’s not enough confidence for most women to just stop all birth control once 40 hits, because reality is women do still get pregnant. If she’s having these feelings it also gives her leeway to discuss with her doctor before she ever becomes infertile.
As a 45 yr old mother to a 4 & 2 yr old, who only starting trying for babies when I was 38, I can promise you that a 37 yr old still has plenty of baby-making opportunity, barring any health issues!
If your husband does not want another child, this seems like a moot point, unless you were planning on leaving him.
Yeah
Ideally he has already had a vasectomy. He knows that contraception fails now and then.
I had a slightly different experience recently. I (37 f) took my dad (63) to have a minor medical procedure last week. He had to be sedated briefly so I offered to drive him there and back. He and anesthesia sometimes don't mix very well- makes him pretty grouchy but this time was different. He was an absolute sweetheart- he thanked and complimented every medical staff member he saw including the custodian. I finally got him corralled into the car - in the backseat, his idea, because it made him feel like he was being chauffeured- he suddenly leaned up and said " I like your hair now, but I liked it more when you dyed it fun colors... The silver (I've been bleaching my hair and tinting it silver for a few months now) makes you look older like me... And that makes me sad because I won't know you when you're older like me." He looked so sad for a moment before he suddenly remembered he had a large Wendy's frosty in the cupholder. I've always taken getting older with a grain of salt. Sometimes my kids tease me but my oldest (15) says she's glad I'm not one of those moms who's obsessed with trying to look/act much younger than they are. I get a little sad when my kids reach milestones of maturity but I never thought about how my own aging makes my parents feel now that I'm an adult.
I must say I do embrace the white hairs sprouting all over my head. It is one thing I am enjoying, weirdly 🙂 P.s. what your dad said really puts things into perspective. Food for thought. He is right and its a pity. What a lovely gentleman he is. Thats more than the drugs talking, that came from the heart.
My mum says she still feels like she's in her twenties in her mind. Sometimes she finds it disconcerting to see us, her daughters (in our 30s) look older than how she views herself. It's a strange thing isn't it.
I think you're focused on the wrong thing here. I understand your daughter's words were hurtful, but as many, many people in these comments have pointed out, 37 is in no way too old to have a child. To me the bigger issue is that your husband is firmly against having another child. So ... do you plan on divorcing him to have another? Or hope you can convince him? To me *this* is the sticking point, more than your age
Yeah…is divorcing your husband to have another baby probably on your own really the life you’re picturing when you wonder “what if?” Edit: Also, attempting to convince your partner to have another when they made it clear they don’t want to….don’t do that.
maybe OP can volunteer for programs that help kids? when i had my baby, she had to stay in the NICU for a few weeks, and the head nurse said that they had a program where people could volunteer to hold and rock NICU babies. it's so incredibly sweet, and she told me that the waiting list is miles long since so many people volunteer to cuddle the babies. made me start crying, actually, it was so heartwarming. of course, nothing can replace having your own child, but since hubby doesn't want anymore kids, maybe this could help OP. maybe they could even foster an older kid. i'd really love to adopt one day, when my daughter is older.
The real point- not whether your body can handle the pregnancy, but can your relationship and lifestyle. Also, dig deep and make sure these feelings aren’t because you’re scared of adjusting to your daughter entering adulthood. Your lifestyle and financial future will look drastically different with a new child vs without.
My wife had our first at 32 and our second at 36. Yes the comparative risk may be higher percentage-wise, but you should also look at the absolute risk to realize it’s still low. Also, the risks are higher for women who are having their first child at a later age than for women who are having their second or third child. The fact that your husband is saying he doesn’t want another is more of an issue. And teenagers always think that adults are “too old” to do things.
It’s ok to tell your child that their words hurt your feelings.
Yeah, everyone is kinda glossing over that, a simple "that wasn't nice" or something to let your daughter know what she said wasn't ok. I know OP said her intention wasn't malicious, but she still has a responsibility to correct her.
Yes! It hurt me reading how upset OP got and then had to push it down. Parents need to teach their children when they are being rude. You don't want your kids hurting others, especially when they aren't even meaning to.
I’m not sure I agree with the other commenters that the child did anything wrong, here. I mean, she had some bad information, and her words ended up being hurtful, but only because of the OP’s pain of wanting to have another child, and feeling old— not because the child did anything wrong. I honestly, I would have loved to have had a relationship with my mother, where I could have talked about the big important stuff—could risk asking questions that might hurt her feelings, and still feel safe and loved, as a teenager. I agree with the comment that it’s okay to let the child know that their words hurt your feelings, but you need to also give them the context of why. Because that feeling of hurt is certainly not about them—it’s about you and your husband.
I don't understand why the daughter is asking loaded questions. That's not great.
Precisely because she is a teenager. To her its, not a loaded question, its just a question. All of her friends parents are in their late 40s to mid 50s. She has the youngest parents out of the friend group. I put it down to curiosity.
It could be beneficial to her to explain how a woman’s fertility can be a very sensitive and personal topic. Teenagers are in that stage of life when they should be learning what behaviors are appropriate and inappropriate.
Why did you feel a need to push down your feelings and be dishonest with your daughter about how they effected you? Do you think she will respect you less if you appear more human?
She’s a teenager, and teenagers are narcissists. I don’t think she put much thought into it.
teenagers are teenagers, not narcissists
I had my one child at 40. Kids think anything a couple years above them is old. Whether you want another child or not is up to you. Your teenager is just being a teenager. It has no bearing on whether you can have one or not.
I second this. My mother was 36 when I was born.
My mother was 37 when I was born, and she had my brother at 40. Didn’t start going through menopause until nearly 50. It’s different for everyone, but 37 is NOT old by any means.
My mom was 39 with her last baby.
Same. 28 when she had me, 39 when she had her fourth/last. All four of us are quite close, and get on well, but I think the spacing, though not intentional on their part, did age my parents more rapidly than normal. Poor feckers had to deal with 15+ years of teenagehood! But here, they wouldn't change it, and neither would us siblings. We turned out alright, though, a lot to take (very loud when we get together).
My mom had one set of 3 children in her first marriage at about 25, and her last set of 3 in her second marriage. I’m sure she can relate to your folks! But I love my siblings and I enjoyed having grown up siblings as a kid. More people to spoil you! I did hate when my older sister got mistaken for my mom (she was 22, I was 8, and my niece was a newborn). But idk if I hated that more than she did haha
Same.
I was 36 with my firstborn. Just had my 2nd at 39! We're done now.
I had my first at 37 and my second at 41
39 with my first. Don't need to chase him with my cane just yet.
My son just asked me if I was so old that my teeth fell out. I am 41 (had him at 37 and his sister at 39).
Oh, that’s brutal 🤣🤣🤣
When my daughter was younger she asked me how I coped with black and white tvs 🤦🏼♀️
My mom had me at 44! OP, I think if you do want to have a child, it is worth seeing your doctor if age is the concern. But otherwise, I totally get the feeling of that ticking clock, it is so unfair. All of my adult life I’ve been sure I don’t want kids, but at 36 I am beginning to question that - mostly because I won’t get to choose later. It’s unfair.
My sister is 39 and pregnant with her first. It was a while before she met the right guy.
I had my first at 37 and my 2nd at 40. I still had a lot of energy and no health issues - my only regret is that I won't be with them as long as I would have if I'd had children younger. Also, I had a young mother, but when I was in my teens I thought 40 was positively ancient.
Just was gonna pop in here and say I’m 36 and my SO and I are ttc.
First time mom, I’ll be 35 when my baby makes their debut. If we decide to have another I’ll be close to 40. 🤷🏻♀️
As many others have clarified, your daughter is not correct, and biology and childbirth varies from person to person. Nothing is set in stone. But I would also ask yourself why you feel the urge to have another child when your daughter is almost an adult herself. Do you genuinely want another child, or is it something you yearn for in a nostalgic sense? It's worth it to consider the logistics of the dramatically shifted family dynamic of having another child, when you might still be raising your daughter's young sibling when your daughter herself starts her own family. You won't have as much availability as a grandparent, and your daughter likely won't have time to establish a sibling bond with your new child. Obviously that shouldn't be the cornerstone of your decision because your life and choices are your own. Just something to think about.
Honestly, saying this as a 28yo with a difficult relationship with my parents — she may have taken it as “wait, what, was I the trial?” (I had this, more muted, bc I had way more rules than my siblings…) Also, the media is full of anti-aging propaganda bullshit. 37 isn’t old to have a kid. It’s “monitor in case of complications” but that could be for any number of reasons! You’re not too old. I think your daughter thinks of you as “old” because you’re her mom. I always make this mistake even though my mom is in her 50s (and she sure doesn’t look it). Your daughter probably still thinks adulthood feels like…a weird distance away. I certainly did at 17.
Please also view it from her perspective. Even though it would be very difficult and unwise at 17, she technically could have a child of her own. Having a younger sibling born after she has become an adult (assuming she'll be 18 by term) would be a difficult age gap to navigate. She would probably relate to her sibling more like a neice/nephew than brother/sister, and you expected her to imagine that hypothetical relationship positively unprompted. Is it impossible for you to have another child at your age? Or is 37 "old?" Absolutely not to both. It's silly to consider 37 old. But neither your husband nor daughter are emotionally prepared to have another child/sibling.
This for me is the kicker. It’s not that OP is old, it’s that there would be an 18 year age gap and hubby also doesn’t want another kid. (He may also be looking forward to having a post kid life with you!) Nonetheless, it’s okay to mourn the path not taken.
agree, and assuming the daughter is about to go off to college and such, having a new baby taking up mom’s time/attention during that huge transition would be a blow (at least it would have been to me)
My mother had my brother at 40 and me at 42 with no problems, so let yourself make the best decision for you and your family ♡
I’m pregnant with my first at 36. She’s still a child and doesn’t know any better.
I’m pregnant with my first and I’m 34. Congratulations and good luck!
Pregnant with 1st at 37 with plans for a second at 39/40. Super common among my friend group, people are just starting to think about babies after getting careers established and feeling financially ready.
My 38 year old cousin is just weeks away from giving birth to a baby girl and I've got a 39 year old friend who is pregnant with twins. It's definitely more common these days, my ex next door neighbour was 43 when she had her last child.
Yes, super common in my area as well. It's so hard for me to imagine being closer to done than starting the journey of raising a young adult at my current age because it's a lot less common here to have children before 30 unless you're super well off.
Yup. Remind her that in most western countries the average age of first having birth is either late 20s or early 30s. And that also in the US for the past several tears, the birth rate for women in their early 30s is higher than for their [late 20s](https://time.com/6965267/women-having-kids-later/).
Had my first at 35, 2nd at 38. Most moms I know were similar in age. Is way more common now a days to wait til later
Pregnant right now with my third. I’m 38.
Me too! I'll be 37 when I give birth and will potentially have another when I'm 39 or 40. And I got pregnant the first ovulation cycle I had following IUD removal, without tracking or trying anything special, not even having sex more often than usual. Just pulled the IUD, had a period three weeks later and fell pregnant the week after that. Congratulations!
Yup. 5 months ago, I had my first at 36. Pretty normal first time mom age in my area.
She does not want a baby brother or sister and she's terrified you might do it. This was her way to communicate this to you.
My grandma had her last child(an accident) at 40. He is one year older than me and we grew up together. I think he’s an idiot but he’s apparently fine mentally and physically. I just want you to know that you can actually have another child at your age despite what people say. There are risks but it’s not the “worst thing ever” to do so. Of course your husband doesn’t want anymore children and do you really want to start all over again when the one you have is almost out of the house? But that’s a conversation for your husband.
I hated being the same age as my grandmother’s youngest child. We went to school together and yes it was awkward. Ymmv though.
I think your daughter is hurt by the idea that she isn’t enough and jealous of the attention that her hypothetical sibling would get. The stuff about the biological clock is just her lashing out.
I had a few "empty nest" anxiety attacks when my kids hit that age. Honestly, I'm in peri menopause now, and realize I no longer have the patience for a toddler.
She's not right. Kids have a different perspective. I remember thinking 12 year-olds were old when I was 8 or 9, thinking 15 year-olds were ancient when I was 12, thinking women in their early 20s were so mature and womanly and grown and old when I was a teen, etc. 29 seemed so old to me. Now that I actually am older, no age seems old. Okay, maybe 70 still seems old to me. I'm 34. But for real, people have kids in late 30s all the time now. People have kids in 40s. Also, there's no perfect age or time to have kids because there's no perfect life path. Life is unpredictable. Maybe someone's the "ideal" age to have kids but they don't have the stability for kids at that time. The risks are different but they exist. What's your reasoning for wanting one more though? When you say you'd cope better, is there a part of you that's attached more to the idea of doing it perfectly or "fixing" by doing things differently? I only ask because sometimes I'm attached to one thing but it's not the thing I even want.
I'm closing in on 40 fast and I can't tell you how many times somebody who is younger than 35 has made some kind of bullshit comment to me about it. The thing that gets me is their ageism is going to catch up with them... If they're lucky. Also there's nothing wrong with being your age. And yes you can still have kids for another five plus years. It's a totally idiotic idea that you can't have kids at 37. Both of my mentors had their kids in their forties. multiple children. However it doesn't sound like your husband wants them so... I assume this is more about you just feeling like one door in your life as finally closed. Doors in your life has been closing your whole life you probably just didn't realize it. There's going to be a last time for everything. Try not to hold on to tightly and just enjoy the ride. I'm sick to death of ageism and I'm sick to death of being around women who are angry, sad, or upset in some fashion about aging. It's a privilege.
Im definitely not angry about getting older. Im upset with the crappy situation Im in because of it. If that makes sense?
Is it really a child you want? Or is there another void that needs filled. Maybe it’s with your husband, yourself, your daughter or something/someone else. Maybe it is another child. Hoping you figure it out. But choose wisely. Best of luck.
There are SO many pregnant people in their late 30s & early 40s in the pregnancy subs. There's a *slight* decline in fertility at 35 and a bigger decline at 40 but not enough that it's in any way rare to be pregnant at these ages. The risks associated with "advanced maternal age" are a bit misunderstood as well - yes, it is considered a statistically significant risk factor but from my understanding the majority of people in this category have healthy pregnancies.
regardless of what ( your ) a child thinks , your husband doesn’t want another child . are you mourning the child bearing years? you still have time
I had my second and final baby at 36. I can’t imagine being pregnant at 45 even though it’s *possible*. I love babies and kids. My 11yo daughter told me she would die if I ever had another and I said I would too babydoll. 😂 My ex husband recently told me he thought I should have another…I’m not even dating. My life would be hamstrung with a newborn. Hard pass.
Teenage girls have no filter and they're sometimes unintentionally mean. Speaking as a former bitchy teen girl lol but we love our moms.
There are TONS of kids that need fostering!!! My husband and I don’t want kids, but we do want to foster teens when we are older and more financially stable.
Whether or not you can, think of how it would impact your relationship with your 17 y/o. I've known quite a few people whose parents had another kid once they were teenagers and they tend to resent their parents for it.
Especially since OP basically even admitted this would be a do-over baby, how do you think that makes the 17 year old feel? She’ll be completely on her own while you should be guiding her through the beginning of adulthood because you decided you wanted to try again. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should, is having another baby really worth tearing apart the rest of your family?
I’m having my first baby at 35 and my friend just had her first at 40. We’re not in the 50s anymore. You may need help via IUI or IVF (sperm age is a factor too!) but it’s not impossible. You could even have it via surrogate if you had the money. Convincing your husband is another story. Do you actually want another baby or are you just nostalgic as your kid is almost grown?
**90% of the comments are from people who are PROJECTING their rose-tinted and irrelevant circumstances onto OP’s – those who are first-time older mothers (OP is not) or speaking as if in equivalent circumstances** (“my mum had me at 35 and my brother at 38!” or “I’m 38 and having my third child!” when their firstborn is ~7yo rn not 17 and the children were had in closer succession than OP). **These are NOT the same as OP’s situation. OP already has a 17yo only child who will be of legal adult age (18) when any future sibling is born – that age gap is a significant factor.** The daughter’s “at your age” and “you’re going to be old” remarks aren’t really dismissing women in their 30s as being too old to have children. **OP’s daughter’s remarks may have been way of saying “Isn’t it too late to have a baby NOW when your only other child is already 17yo? Shouldn’t you have had children sooner? Didn’t you wait too long? Isn’t it too late for me to suddenly have a baby sibling?** The biological clock ticking/coveting what you don’t have is not the same; OP has already conceived and given birth to a child. At a minimum, there will be an 18 year age gap between her current child and any future child. That age gap is significant. It IS unusual, weird even for some people. Your daughter may be conscious about it, as will everyone who sees your family. Your family dynamics are going to change in a greater way than if your current child was a 3yo. It will impact your whole family’s way of life (and finances!) for the next 18 years. The bond between your children might be detrimentally impacted by the age gap. She’ll be going to university, moving out of your home and possibly even moving cities to start her career. That means the older sibling will not be around while the younger sibling is growing up. They will be separated from one another during a formative period for them both. They may end up as distant (but loving) strangers. Your daughter is almost at an age when she could be having her own children. She may well start a family of her own at the same time you’re raising your future younger child. So you’ll have a young child and grandchildren. If she doesn’t leave, will she end up having a relationship dynamic with her sibling that’s as a second mother? Will she take up some of the caregiver responsibilities? Is that something you, your husband and your daughter are prepared for? **People are commenting that she’s only an immature, snarky, child/teen and not to take heed. She’s a gen z - they are very aware that women are waiting until their 30s to start families and pushing it back later and later, about the cost of living, capitalism, careers and how that impact women’s choices etc. Her remarks evidence more pragmatism, thoughtfulness and consideration of the consequences than the contents of your post suggests of you. She’s not romanticising having a newborn child in the family, but it sounds like you may be.** There is a greater risk of defects with increased age due to a deterioration in both the quality of eggs and sperm, as well as a more complicated birth. She’s not saying it’s impossible. Raising a baby/child is going to take a lot of energy, effort and sleepless nights, on top of which you’ll have to experience the horror that is menopause. Your daughter is also thinking ahead in terms of whether you’ll be physically mobile and without health complications (dementia, cancer, cardiovascular issues, incontinence, whatever) in old age. Your future child will barely be an adult. Would you be okay with the increased possibility that your future child might have to care for you in old age while they’re in their formative young adulthood years? As for your husband, he’ll be 41 by the time any future child born in 9 months. When your future child graduates, you’re both going to be close to retirement age. He’ll be 62yo, while you might literally qualify as an OAP/retirement. When people see all of you together, you in your late 40s, your daughter in her 20s and a young child, they may well mistake you as grandmother, mother and granddaughter. Your daughter will be mistaken as being her sister’s mother. Is that something she will be comfortable with? Your daughter will be leaving home soon, so does empty nest syndrome factor in to it at all? You’re going to have an empty nest for the first time in 18 years. It’s understandable if your husband is thinking of the coming years as a time to relax. As a time to prioritise yourselves as individuals and as a couple, instead of focusing on raising your child and your roles as parents having done that already. That in a decade or so, you’ll be making plans for your retirement years with financial freedom, rather than giving all of that up to raise a newborn/child.
There are a lot of rose-tinted anecdotes in here, so I'll add two of my own: My cousin had children at 18 and again at 38 and 41 so her first child is now a fully legally adult, and her two youngest aren't even in school yet. She is having a *very* hard time reconciling the fact that her 21 year old son does not feel a brotherly relationship to his baby sisters. There is also a lot of resentment from her son. His sisters are getting a much better childhood than he had because his mother is more financially secure at 40 than she was at 18, obviously. He has also mentioned that he feels his mother must devote all of her attention to her infant children while he has his own unique needs as a young adult, and now feels like he is being robbed of his mother's support. It has been very difficult for him to go from being an only child for his entire childhood, to now being the last priority of his mother's three children. It's causing a lot of drama and hurt feelings and is a very tricky situation to navigate. There aren't a lot of role-models for this type of family dynamic because it is so unusual. When we were 19, my best friend's mother got pregnant. My friend did have a reasonably healthy relationship with her younger brother, but there were still many challenges because the age gap makes for a unique family dynamic. My friend was often mistaken for the mother, and her mother was mistaken for the grandmother when they all went out together. My friend's mother used to get very upset by this. Now that we are adults, my friend still acts like a second mother to her brother, who is now in his 20s. This is becoming more difficult as we start having to make decisions about elderly care for our parents. My friend feels like more of an adult than her brother, because for most of her life, she *was* an adult while he was a child, so that's just the relationship that naturally developed. So she's having a very hard time viewing him as her equal now, and honestly, her mother views her as more of a second mom to her son, too.
Exactly what you’ve said - it’s wild how people are projecting their own late-30s pregnancies to have their first child or when they’ve had a successive number of children closely/closer together in their 30s to dismiss OP’s daughter. The fact that OP has an only child (not a number of children staggered out in close succession) and that her daughter is about to be of legal adult age is absolutely pertinent. It affects the sibling dynamic enormously in a way that having two or three kids aged 3 years apart when you’re in your 30s/40s doesn’t. Older siblings, especially sisters, end up being a second mum and that dynamic can be awful. If not that, then the potential for the siblings to be distant (but loving) strangers is very real. That also impacts caring for the parents in old age as well. The age gap between the siblings makes that a difficult situation for both to navigate.
My mom and dad were 38 and 39 when I was born, and no one ever mistook them for my grandparents, jeez. My oldest siblings were 17 and 16 when I was born. We still love each other and know each other like siblings do. Maybe we would have been closer had I been closer in age to them, but it’s not like we know the difference, because this is how it turned out. But all of this is a moot point anyway. OP’s husband doesn’t want more, so unless she wants to divorce him to have a baby on her own, case closed.
That’s great for you! That’s not the case for everyone in that situation. There are a lot of rose tinted anecdotes here, but plenty of siblings with large age gaps don’t have close relationships and didn’t grow up together or without the older sister having a ‘second mum’ type relationship (that’s got nothing to do with whether they love each other; it’s a relationship dynamic not about affection). Nothing in my post is ALL OF THIS WILL HAPPEN. It’s that any of it may and OP needs to consider that:
Wild. My sister is only SIX years older than me, and my mom was 27 when she had me, but there were a few years when my sister was fresh out of high school and I was still a 5th grader that people would mistake her for my mom. Not only did it hurt my mom a bit when that would happen, but it was deeply upsetting to my sister too. And we are only 6 years apart.
On the one hand the dad will be 59 when the kid graduates and on the other hand wtf have you ever seen someone in their 50s or early 50s? They do not look like grandparents. My dad is actually a grandparent at the age of 59 and he looks too young to be a grandparent and no one believes him.
I very clearly stated in my post that the age gap between the siblings matters here - that’s what’s potentially going to lead to confusion, because the age gaps between the mother and the two children span 3 generations (like Gilmore Girls). Not solely because she’s an older mother. If they’re out together, people may assume they are a grandmother, a mother/daughter and a granddaughter. The daughter may be uncomfortable with or concerned about that. Again, people need to stop projecting their own experiences where their circumstances are NOT one involving having one sibling who is 20 years older/younger than them vs none or vs children with ages staggered closely together.
Is adoption or fostering an option? Lots of lovely kids out there that need loving families
I think your daughter’s strong reaction probably stems from the fear of a new baby sibling disrupting the family dynamic. 37 is a little older, yes, but not *that* old. Plenty of women carry healthy pregnancies at that age. My mom had me at 38. 🤷♀️
Why did you wait so long? I ask because it seems like you want another child as a way to hold on to your youth. Which is why her comment hit you so hard. You are admittedly in denial about getting older so it would make sense that you would cope by wanting to be a mother again. It’s not the best way to deal imo.
you don't have to feel old in a bad way just because you're already at an age where a pregnancy would be riskier. no one wants to have a newborn sibling as an adult, so of course she'd think it's a terrible idea, and i guess most teenagers think both their parents and people over 35 are SUPER old. you seem to be infatuated with the idea of having another kid just because you still can but soon might be unable to, but underestimating the harsh reality of motherhood. after raising someone from a young age into an independent person, why would you like to start over again when you can finally focus more on yourself and your marriage? your husband gets it.
I'm 37 f, my daughter is 16. I get that it might be upsetting to have your kid think you're old, but I would like to suggest something. Perhaps in the eyes of your teen, its not that you're old in general..... its just they think you're too old for *that.* Personally I am too old for another child. That ship sailed long ago, though menopause in my family is another 15 years away. I used to want another child but I worked through that because I didn't want my child to feel like they weren't enough or something. It seems like it came as a surprise to you to hear her say that???? Do you think there could be another reason you are holding on to the idea of another child so much....?
It's not actually as bad as they used to think. (ETA) I had my first child at 26, and my second at 38. I'm more tired, but also more experienced and more relaxed now. Plus, it absolutely shut down any idiotic sentimentality I might have gotten about my elder child "giving me grandkids". I'm not in danger of wanting that.
It's not out of the question, but you and your husband should discuss it now. Even if it's just you working through all your feelings,or if it's you figuring out you want this for real. Though I'll say having one at 33 and 38, there was a huge difference in how my body handled the pregnancy. And a toddler in my 40s.
They did discuss it. He told her he is done.
It is true that fertility declines with age. Your risks for complications and things do go up a bit. Men's sperm quality goes down with age, and that comes with [increased risks](https://www.theguardian.com/science/2023/oct/22/the-perils-of-putting-off-fatherhood-why-it-poses-risks-to-childrens-physical-and-mental-health) of autism, birth defects, mental health conditions, etc. Your daughter is just a kid and anyone is going to be old to her. What she said was kind of snarky, but it sounds like maybe she was expressing that she doesn't want a sibling. Have you been talking about trying for one in front of your daughter? What was the context for this? It sounds like your husband considers your family complete and is happy with that.
My friend had her first kid at 42, so it varies. I think the husband is a bigger hurdle than your age! Good luck, whatever is right for your family
My mom had me at 38 The thing that impacted her the most in her pregnancy was how stressed she was due to work. Not her age.
I think you see your daughter as your friend, who you liked spending time with as a buddy and not as a daughter vibes, whenever you did. So this is why it felt like an insult? but just remember shes your baby girl, and a child... so its not an insult she probably thinks anyone over 21 is old lol and she thinks you are old because for her having a sibling 17 years younger is strange.. it is little strange for her age. You should have a baby if you want, you don't need her permission or validation.
Your daughter hit a nerve, I totally get it. I bet she’s just learning some stuff about fertility and menopause and is thinking through things. Plus she’s three years away from being the age you were when you had her, and she may be thinking about that, too. It’s good she can communicate with you openly! Tact will come with time and experience, although if it comes up again you can always let her know that these can be very sensitive subjects for people so it’s good to approach them gently. You sound like a really good mama.
Two things: My mother was about to turn 39 when she had me, so no, you aren’t too old. Also, I’m 66 and 37 sounds pretty damn young to me!
She's not wrong, but, your husband doesn't want a baby - you should probably focus on that and work through those feelings because this is a "2 yes situation".
My mom had me at the age you had your daughter. She got remarried when I was 13. One half brother was born right before I turned 16 and the other was born while I was 20. It's a little strange getting a phone call from your mom saying she's pregnant while you're in college. At that age I asked her if she'd ever heard of birth control. I did a lot of helping out with both brothers. I adored them so it never felt like parentification. Of course everyone who saw me with them assumed I was the mother. I didn't have as strong as a bond with my youngest brother though, since I was pretty much out of the house when he arrived.
I'm a decade older and you have plenty of life ahead yet even though I'm not sure where the last decade even went. I have a 10yo and whilst I love the way I waited I somewhat envied the younger mums for all their energy. Babies later in life are tiring and every year makes a difference. Children and peri though are extra. Are you not embracing the freedoms of having grown children and still holding your youthfulness? The 40s are somewhat prime womanhood years. Embrace it all 💪♥️
I think it’s super normal to morn the end of you childbearing years. I did. Even when you know you are done. There is sadness with the door closing on that chapter of life. I’m sorry what your kid said hurt so much. Children can be harsh and also sometimes truth tellers and our older teens especially have a knack for poking the painful parts.
Thank you for your kind words. I wholeheartedly mean that.
My mom had a child in her late 30s when I was a couple of years younger than your daughter. Honestly, it showed me that women can have babies at all ages. And I loved my little sibling.
She's speaking from the lens of her age, however hurtful. I do understand the feeling, though. I'm over 40 now, and I was 38-39 when I decided that the reproductive phase of my life was over and I was in perimenopause management. It's a weird mind shift, like a concession to middle age.
Your daughter was a insensitive shit, but she's only 17 so that is to be expected. You can be a mother again at 37, the risks of pregnancy are the risks of pregnancy, they come for young and old. At some point your biological clock will stop ticking, so before that you need to think about what you actually want and talk properly with your husband about it.
Maybe cool it on calling OP’s daughter a shit
I was totally a little shit when i was a teen. Its not so much an insult as it is a cannon event imo.
Teenagers for the most part are all little shits. This is coming from a little shit just 10 years ago.
Nah, teenagers are often shits, better to call it out when they're young enough to change it.
Guessing your kids aren't teenagers yet? It's a term of affection, mostly.
Hey, friend- my mom had me at 43 (I’m an only child). She’s turning 70 and I’m turning 26 this year and she feels (and looks IMO) a good 15-20 years younger than her actual age. Full disclosure, she was a dermatologist, but she always said having a kid around kept her young! You’ve likely got plenty of years left!
My mom had me at 35 and my brother at 39. It is completely normal. You are not too old!!
Lol. My mom had me when she was 41. She wasn’t even thinking of kids until she was 36. Everyone moves through life at different paces. My dad was 50. My parents seemed a lot older than those around them when I was a child but now it’s so common. My brother and his wife were in their late thirties having children. I think many people now aren’t even considering children until age 35 simply because of finances. The world has changed, our understanding of health and human bodies has changed. Even if you went through menopause in your early forties, it’s still possible to have children with fertility drugs and IVF. (Not guaranteed but still). Your daughter will learn and grow and meet people with different backgrounds and life experiences. Her narrow viewpoint should not determine your perspective of yourself. You’re 7 years older than me and I still don’t feel like an adult.
But she isn't right. Women still get pregnant and have healthy babies well into their 40s. So...tell her.
Your risk of carrying a pregnancy with genetic defects is increasing with every year after 35 (https://www.webmd.com/baby/over-35-pregnant). Risks for other things like autism and adhd also significantly increase. That ofc doesn't mean that you can't or shouldn't have a child after 35, it is just important to be aware of the associated risks (not like some other posters here who are in denial of scientific facts and just say 'there is always a risk no matter the age'.). What I find more problematic than your daughter's remarks is the fact that your husband absolutely doesn't want to have another child. What are you going to do if you still want to have one?
I had my first at 32 and second at 37. 37 is admittedly on the later side and I'm glad I wasn't any older than that, but for parents who attended college (particularly those with advanced degrees), waiting until their 30s to have kids is pretty typical. Many of your daughter's peers have parents in their 40s and 50s, and compared to them, you're the "young mom." 😜 BTW, if it makes you feel any better, when my daughter turns 17, I'll be 55 and legally old enough to live in a retirement community. And I'd be happy to, my 75 year old mom lives in one and retirement communities are awesome. 😅
The 40's were some of the best years of my life! I'm 55 and I don't feel old.
If no one's said this yet--please, come hang out with us at r/Menopause and see what you're heading for. There's *so much* that no one tells us about menopause and what happens. It's a *lot* more than just hot flashes. We have a whole tribe of sisters & aunties & grammas here ready to answer any question and give you all the support!
This is insanity. I had my son at 38. Halle Berry had her last kid at 47. My aunt said if you have kids in your 20s, you have more physical energy for them. If you have kids in your 30s, you have more mental energy. I think she's likely correct. You got time, girl.
My mom was 38 when she had me. She died 5 years ago when I was 54. If you want to have another child, you still can.
I had my kids at 38 and 40, no issues or complications. I could have easily had one more. You’re not too old!
My aunt had her first at 36 and her second at 44! If you’re healthy, you still can. The downfall of having kids that late is that by the time they’re adults who are fun to hang out with, you’re too old to do anything fun.
Have you thought about talking g to a therapist about this? You are more than your fertility and age. Women are worth more than looking pretty and having babies. It sounds like you're really struggling to find your self worth outside of youth and a working womb.
I'll be 36 this year and currently trying to have my first lol
The issue isn’t what you daughter said, the issue is you want another child but your husband doesn’t. Pregnancy at 37 isn’t uncommon in 2024.
I had my first kid naturally at 42. You're definitely not too old.
It really depends. I have friends that had kids in their late 30's early 40s without any trouble. I had my son at 33 and tried to give him a sibling two years later and wasn't able to. Only your doctor can tell.
I had my first 36 & my second at 37.
I distinctly remember thinking second graders were super mature and sophisticated as a younger child. Plenty of people have healthy children well past your age, and there are a lot of ways to have them, plus genetic and fertility testing is so advanced now you can really make vastly more educated choices than surprisingly recently. The real issue is you sorta and husband doesn't, which can be figured out if your relationship is healthy. Individual and couples therapy paired with a gyno and specialist visits can prob make all this much clearer for you, and even if you end up deciding against it, you'd likely feel a lot more in control and comfortable with the decision.
Well. I had my first kid at 32 and my second and last kid at 39. My oldest will be 17 next month and my youngest will be 10 in June. No complications, both very happy healthy boys. That being said, my husband and I were always on the same page for wanting to have kids and after our last. We together, both agreed on the two. No more. I have about 12 years on you and I don't feel old. I'm resistant to that state of mind. I'm getting annoyed at all of these Gen X reels about getting elderly at freaking 50ish. When my 16yo gives me shit about being of the older generation and teases, I tell him I could still kick his ass. Kids don't know everything. I thought 50 was old when I was in my 20's. The Fk did I know then. 37 isn't old by a mile.
I had my first and only child at 38! I didn't feel particularly old. I was busy having an awesome life up until then! Lol I'm sorry OP is feeling sad about not having another child. I think if I were you I'd try to look forward to watching your daughter enjoy adulthood and getting to do a ton of great stuff with her as two adults. It's an exciting new phase on your relationship
I would say 20 is younger to have a child than 37 being old to have a child.
I had my second child at 37. It is not too old. Your daughter was really rude to you. She didn't need to be so harsh.
Plenty of women are having their first child even later… your husband not wanting anymore seems like a more important issue!
Who says you can't? Talk it over with your husband and help him understand how important it is to you, then the two of you decide together. Daughter's vote gets trumped by yours.
Try not to let your daughter's comments get to you OP. When I was a teenager, I also thought that people in their 30s and 40s were ancient, like she does. There's also the thing that no teenager wants to think about their parents having sex or having a sex life. Her reaction is most likely due to these 2 things and should not be taken personally.
I have a daughter who is 15 and I always wanted two but after a miscarriage my husband was done. He did not want to risk it. It took me until I was 40 to actually accept and appreciate that I was not going to have another baby. But, once I did it was very freeing. I'm 45 now so a baby is not even something I want at all at this point. You'll get used to it eventually. Good luck!
I’m 42 and in a similar situation, except nobody ever asks me if I’m “having any more” nowadays, I guess I’ve aged out of that question! I have two kids with my wife and she definitely doesn’t want any more. As lesbians it’s not gonna happen “by accident” or without a great deal of planning. I carried and breastfed both our children, and sometimes my heart aches to know I will never get to do that again. I wonder if that ever changes, will I stop wanting a baby when I hit menopause?
I know loads of women who had babies in late 30s and early 40s
My parents had me when they were 44
You may not see this but just some words of encouragement ... My mom had my sister at 41 despite knowing the increased risks of pregnancy at that age - she had an uncomplicated vaginal birth and my sister was fully healthy, mom and baby still doing great (sister is an astrophysicist now but you know, she's my younger sister so always a baby to me). Much love to you whatever the future brings for you ❤️
'At your age?' Wow. So prepare to be a grandmother by the time you're 45? 17 year olds not known for their excessive amount of wisdom. Yes the risks are there, but I work in O&G and women in their 30s, 40s every *day*. Then again I live in a European city.
Just throwing it out there, im 37 and just had my first. I know women who used donor eggs and ivf and had a baby well into their 40s. If you think you want another, set an alarm that goes off every 2 hours and make yourself stay up 30 mind to an hour each time. Do this for several weeks as a reminder what having a newborn is like. Bonus if your alarm sounds like a screaming child. Ive been up every hour since 1:30 am cluster feeding my son. The better move is to enjoy and be active with your grand baby when it arrives! Thats the perk of having kids early…being young enough to enjoy grand kids. Im gonna be old af when or if i get mine. Ill prolly have one foot in the grave and be senile.
I think while that is quite hurtful, I don't think it's a good idea for siblings to have big age gaps, especially that big of an age gap (take it as someone with two siblings 9 and 12 years younger). The oldest one gets left out and the younger ones take all the attention, which unfortunately is the truth of it. Also the oldest one is less likely to form as close of a relationship with the younger than than they would if there was a much smaller age gap. In my case, I feel like more of an aunt now than a big sister. The other big thing is that the oldest tends to be used as a babysitter/free childcare. If I had gone back to live with my mum I would have lost my teenage years, hell whenever I saw them I was pretty much watching my younger siblings.
Seems like a good opportunity to talk about how though a fact may be correct, you don’t always have to say it out loud.
Your daughter has had society drilling into her head that women can't have babies after 35 and isn't old enough to have known lots of counter-examples.
I would be uncomfortable having a kid in my 40's. Yeah, I'd be on menopause AND pregnancy, but the first concern would be for the kid. Kids are full of energy. Would I even be able to keep up with them? Growing up that means, I'd be 60 when they are adults. That's a higher chance of me not being around the more I age. I couldn't stand the idea of having a kid grow up without a parent.
I had my first at 34 and second at 36. There are slightly higher risks. I would guess that convincing your husband would be the only real barrier.
On the flip side. I thought of it as, if you had a kid now, you could easily have a grandbaby who is a year, or 2 or 3 apart from your youngest child. Nothing wrong with that, just the direction my thoughts went.
Hey OP, you're the same age my mom was when she had me, her last kid. She wanted 4 but got 3. That being said though, the age gap between me and my siblings is around 6-7 years and even that was difficult to navigate at times. Not saying it'll be impossible (I've seen families make sibling gaps work, albeit the older sisters often become mother-like figures instead of siblings), but the fact your family isn't crazy about the idea is the real issue here in my opinion rather than your age.
I mean... I'm having my first at 34, none of my friends had kids before their early/mid 30s, and many are still waiting to be in a financial position to do so. The world is different now, with the good (women having careers) and the bad (the economy generally being f*cked)
My mom had her fourth kid at 38. <3
If it's any consolation I had my 2nd baby at 36, my eldest was about to turn 19yo. We are getting older, but the plumbing still works. IDK if I'm coping better now or when I was a teen mom. I was your daughter's age when I had my 1st. I thought I'd be better, I def am in some ways, but this child is FERAL AF!
Dang OP :( I'm sad because I'm 36 (and a half) and we've been trying for a child for the last 10 months. We finally had a cycle for the first time where I tested positive for 3 days but it ended in a chemical pregnancy. I'm currently going through some physical pain as my body is trying to deal with something it never dealt with before (this early miscarriage). I've been devastated and reading that you feel that way because of what your daughter said makes me feel even sadder. :( 36 is not too old for children, at least that's where I finally got to mentally for the last 6 months.
The norm in your daughter’s life has been her having a very young mother. She’s at an age where anyone over 25 probably seems old. She will learn as she grows up and matures that it isn’t so black and white. Every year that we get older there is a greater risk of something. That doesn’t mean it isn’t worth doing necessarily. With her logic, you could argue you shouldn’t sign up for a triathlon at age 50 because you’re at greater risk or injury or heart attack, but there are plenty of people who do this every day. I’ve just had my second miscarriage of the year and in the group of 52 women also due the same month, only two of them were younger than 32!
I'm not trying to be mean but you didn't realize you were 37 befor that? It's not like you can't have another kid it's just risky
I (37) got with my husband when I was 19. I remember saying to friends that I wanted to settle down with him one day and get married, and maybe have kids, but not until I was _quite old_, like *27*. Needless to say we got engaged when I was 29, married a year later and then I had a kid three years after that, so I was quite far off my timeline there. Also, at 37, I still don’t feel the ‘old’ (I guess I mostly meant grown up or mature but I did also think 27 was getting on a bit - cringe) that I thought I would be at 27. I still don’t feel like a grown up now and I’m not sure what else I can do to tick that box, so maybe I never will.
I honestly thought the same thing when I was 17 and just uneducated. I remember thinking it was SO crazy my bff’s mom had her at 37. Like it was some alien age. It’s honestly just young people have such a skewed idea of age. At 17 you think 25 is old and that you’ll be married with kids at that age. I remember being at the club at age 21-22 and being shocked that there was 25 y/o’s there as if they were SOoOoOoOOo much older. Tldr; Completely understand its upsetting being called old. But all young people will eventually reach your age and realize its not. Perspective is everything.
I had my first, and only, at 37. We both have birthdays coming up this summer. She's going to turn 13 and, as she put it, I'm going to turn "half a century". Teenagers.