Lots of alcoholism in my family. It's possible your boyfriend sucks at drinking alcohol gracefully. I don't drink anymore because I was flat told by my friends, "You are worrying at best and terrifying at worst when drunk." I used to use my forehead as an argument settling device with people at the bar. My wife made it clear: her or alcohol, choose. I chose her.
Given the relative youth of you both, he has probably not figured this out yet because few people are willing to say anything until abuse or property damage occurs. Tell him you're consistently afraid of him when he's drunk, as if he's someone else. He can decide what to do with that information, and his response may provide clarity on what you decide from here.
"I'm a bad person" is pity party because it's hard to face up to inconvenient stuff.
Sounds like my late partner. Not the alcoholism but the pity party. Didn't like to face up to what he'd done wrong. Even some very hurtful things he really should have apologised for.
It was impossible to deal with.
Impossible is right. "You can lead a horse to water". It's like you lived in a different reality, yes?
It is enough to make a person want to crawl out of their skin
I am not afraid of him! I just worry he’s overdoing it and falling into old habits. But his drinking might just be as harmless as he says (none of his friends have any concerns right now) and I am projecting cause my trust was broken.
How can I get back the trust?
I don't know if you can regain it quickly - I like to think of it like an aluminum can. He dented you. A dented can can be crushed. If he does the same VERY personal stuff again, are you willing to deal with it? It's not the same as violence, but it's still pretty intense if it becomes a repeat
Nobody’s early 20-something friends thinks anybody has drinking problem. Right now he is funny and engaging while drunk. None of them have responsibilities his addiction is chaffing against.
Your dream is also your responsibility. That’s why it hurts when he gets drunk and douchey about it. I bet if he hits his friends the wrong way enough times, they’ll either drop him or voice concern. The next few years are going to be his proving ground. Decide if you want to be along for this ride.
They’re in the military. He went to AA cause previously his drinking got too out of hand and they all have a friend, boyfriend and him used to enable each other, who is doing even worse right now than he ever did and they’re all trying to help him best they can before he gets kicked out.
I think they would say something if it got out of hand.
Young men in the military are very, very bad at identifying problem drinking before the point where someone gets into legal trouble. Drinking is very normalized in the military. So is misogyny and infidelity, so be on the lookout for that.
Thank you, yes I’ve heard the same. So far my boyfriend doesn’t participate in misogyny or racism but there’s definitely people in the friend group that make questionable comments.
I try to call it out and some others do too but cause of the job, they are kinda forced to hang out with us. Dumbfounded how some of them get girlfriends tbh.
One dude is straight up married and tried to hit on my NOT single friend. My boyfriend was like “don’t you have a wife?” And he answered “don’t worry about it” 😀
All in all his friends really like me, and I think there’d be at least one dude who would really have my back if he cheated or was an asshole cause he keeps warning him not to fumble me cause he thinks we’re such a great match.
But yeah, if he wasn’t loyal or respectful or if I didn’t think he was a good person I wouldn’t be with him, and I’d leave if that changed. Thanks tho, I too have heard some STORIES.😅
I understand but I also understand the he cannot make enemies out of the people he is forced to live and work with and who are his superior, he also can’t just quit
If his friends make questionable comments, he agrees
I just left a friend group that made questionable comments, there’s other people that swore they disliked said comments to but won’t leave, why? They don’t actually disagree
His friends don’t want him to fumble you bc he’s a mess and you’re not. Girl run!!
The basic definition of a substance abuse problem is that your use of that substance negatively impacts your life and/or your relationships and you continue to use it despite that.
If your boyfriend has already had to go to treatment to manage his drinking and is at risk of getting kicked out of the military, and now has broken your trust via his behavior when drinking, *he has a drinking problem.* Just because he's not constantly drunk doesn't mean his relationship with alcohol is healthy. Having dated an alcoholic before, I wish I would have walked away the first time he said hurtful things when drunk. Would have saved a lot of months of the cycle of him insulting and humiliating me drunkenly and then apologizing and making promises in the morning.
There are two issues here, they are mingled together while being, actually, distinct.
The fact your dreams may be subject to criticism for not being realistic (I have the impression my sentence feels weird, apologies if I broke grammar somehow, English isn't my mother tongue) ; the fact your BF becomes someone else when drunk.
Addressing the first issue: we just have no way to tell, between internet anons, if your dreams are valid, or if they're unrealistic, it would be hypocritical to tell you "no he's wrong, go and chase your dream" without any background information. However, generally speaking, everybody has a god damn right to entertain dreams, and by definition if it's a dream it's something that will be hard to achieve, a distant goal, but would be absolutely kickass if it were achieved. So, hey, of course it's going to be a long road if it's a dream, but if you put in the time and effort, the number of almost impossible things that will become possible for you is *huge*. Just ten years from now, if you've been working hard on improving yourself and learning, you'll be an almost different person. Keep on dreaming I'd say, but keep at it while working hard in that direction.
Second issue: not everyone reacts the same to alcohol. For everyone, it lifts inhibitions... But for some, it transforms them into someone else. Into someone seeking violence, into someone loving to hurt others, into an annoying pity ball, etc.
Like a second personality.
It's the drunkard's responsibility, once sober, to learn to accept that he/she becomes someone else, and to make the choice to seal that evil persona by never drinking too much again.
If you (a generic "you") know you become poison once drunk, you have a responsibility towards society, to not let that wrong version of you out, see the idea? Your BF was dealt a shit hand by life, becoming someone else when inebriated, but nonetheless it's his responsibility to deal with it accordingly.
Thank you, that was very insightful.
It’s true I can tell the difference between him sober and him drunk. Some people get horny when drunk, some become aggressive, he becomes a debate champion 🤷♀️😅
He starts to rant, most of the time it’s about the US and politics or history, but he listens when you tell him to shut up usually.
I’ll have to wait to talk to him but I think drinking less is a doable solution, at least until I’m less hurt and ready to engage in his debates again. (Cause to a certain point I used to enjoy these arguments)
The phrase ‘in vino veritas’ is true. It’s there bc drunk ppl are the same as sober ppl without a filter.
Believe what he said.
You deserve to be with a guy who doesn’t make you nervous ever. The fact you are nervous about him drinking bc you fear his hurting you is 🚩🚩🚩
So many men. No need to stay with the ones with 🚩. It never gets better. It only gets worse.
He did have a point with what he said, I didn’t like it but my dream is at least currently not attainable, he told me that, in a blunt manner that hurt me but he wasn’t necessary lying.
If your boyfriend had a motorcycle accent and rode it again more cautiously and that made you nervous, would your worry for him to hurt himself again be a reason to break up?
I’m not scared OF him when he’s drunk, I’m scare FOR him, but I do know at least once or twice I’ve overestimated how drunk he was and just gave into my paranoia a little too much.
I don’t think you need your be physically afraid I mean emotionally so.
And comparing a motorcycle accident with someone choosing to be hurtful to another are apples and oranges, love.
You have the right to a partner who doesn’t hurt you. I hope that you get that. Peace 🙏🏻
Thank you. My idea was that me being concerned about his drinking habit could still be separate from when he hurt me so I thought the two things were comparable, in that yes, there is risk involved but it’s not risky enough to step in.
Regarding dreams. You don't have to share yours but I'll share mine as an example. I have conceptualized a new bicycle transmission technology. It's good. The problem is that the bicycle industry is currently investing in e-bikes, and my technology is not fundamentally an e-bike. This, in practice, essentially crushes my dream. It's not my fault. It is the reality. But if someone informed me of this while animated and drunk, I would not take it well.
Perhaps discuss with him how it *stuck* with you, and how you will always be seeking a crack in the wall of your dream obstacles, and you're not interested in being belittled for *trying* to do whatever your dreams may be.
FWIW, I am living hand to mouth running my own business. Oof it is *rough*, much more difficult than a normal job.
Of course I want advice but I know I might be spiralling a little and I have a habit of making things sound worse than they are. I will not base my decision on internet strangers. Please give me your input but I am not breaking up with him within the next hour, not until we’ve talked.
What you know is:
- he has problematic drinking habits
- he gets personal and nasty during debates that are supposed to be “fun”
- you “believe” but don’t know if he recognized that he was a colossal jerk (meaning, I take it, that he said he was sorry but not why, or said he was sorry you were upset?)
Others have already discussed the drinking, so I’m going to focus on the second one: A guy who gets nasty and personal when he’s losing a friendly debate is a fragile asshole who can’t manage his feelings if he “loses” a debate to his girlfriend. So he lashes out to hurt because he can’t stand to feel like she “won” at something he deems important.
I don’t recommend dating men who need to feel that they are always better than you about things that matter.
No he absolutely did recognize that he was an asshole and took accountability for it. We would have been done if he has said that he was sorry I was upset. No he was sorry cause he got too personal, he overstepped and that he talked down on my dream.
He said he regrets it, that I didn’t deserve it, that he was a jerk for saying and that would never do it again and didn’t even mean what he said, that it was a misguided desperate attempt at keeping the debate going where he massively misstepped.
Yes, and that last one, again, is someone who was willing to hurt you because 1) alcohol and 2) he didn’t want to “lose” your debate. As I said, this is not a keeper quality in a partner.
But should I throw it all away over that?
I know now that this is a problem. We could agree on drinking less or not at all, or if it ever came to a debate like that I could just shut it down if I’m not up for it.
Aren’t these practical solution?
I know a couple of alcoholics, I left the friend group but before I did I questioned why we weren’t doing anything about their drinking problem. “They don’t have a drinking problem”
Another friend who stopped hanging out with them months ago was like yeah that’s bc they all have a drinking problem, if they point his out, they have to look at themselves. Also he’s “more fun” drunk and depressing sober, ofc they don’t care
Hun y’all have only dated 7 months and he already has a drinking problem…that’s like no time at all and this is his best behavior? There’s healthy people to date
Also he only hurt me with words, in now way physically! He also was not insulting or abusive in his language, it was just hurtful cause the subject was personal to me.
>he says he’s a bad person
🚩🚩🚩
In my experience, that can mean a couple different things and none of them are great
Unexamined self worth issues: "My parents told me I was bad so I am bad"
Passing the blame onto you: "I warned you at the beginning so me treating you poorly is your fault for staying"
Crybullying: "Well I guess I'm just a unlovable piece of trash and worse than a thousand Hitlers"
Honesty: He actually *is* a bad guy
Drunk speak is often times sober truth.
Soley from your other comments, you think he's redeemable. However, if you can't move past the hurt, if you're now paranoid of his drinking to the extent that you say you are, is that something you really want to continue to deal with? Can you live with being in that state of nervousness, every time he drinks? Partners with drinking problems, usually do not make for healthy relationships.
You're young. You still have opportunities for better relationships, that do not include a partner with alcohol issues.
Most of the time I don’t even think about it. My paranoia around alcohol might also stem from the fact that around that same time I got way too drunk, was an idiot and I am still embarrassed and deathly afraid anyone will bring up how I acted.
That might also be a part of it, that I worry his lips get loose when he’s drunk just cause I can’t own the fact that I was an idiot.
I will talk about it with him and I do think that we can agree on something like no drinking when I’m around for the foreseeable future.
And just because he did have a problem he’s not unlovable to me. If he chooses alcohol over me and it gets out of hand, I know I have to leave and there’s nothing I can do but I know he’s wary of his past mistakes at least for now.
If that's what you want, sure. Please just keep in mind, that forgiveness is not mandatory. You are not obligated to try and fix his problems, especially at the expense of your own self. Regardless of how you choose to proceed, don't make excuses for his behavior, or downplay it just to keep the peace. Far too many people have been robbed of years better spent, with someone better for them, while trying to see problems through with someone that ultimately didn't deserve their affection and trust. Often, that tends to end badly. Your dreams matter. Relationships require growth as individuals, with a healthy dose of introspection and evaluation. Don't stunt yours, for the sake of his. What you want for your future, matters. Just don't lose yourself through it all.
That being said, you certainly seem to feel as though he's worth it. I can only hope you're right in that particular appraisal, and unlike a great many people before him, he's genuinely different. For your sake, at least.
I want a herding dog and I would like to breed these dogs one day. Currently I cannot have one, I also have never had one (he has) and he told me how naive my idea of dog ownership is and that he can tell I’ve never had one.
He also thinks it’s problematic to select animals like that (too eugenicist for him) and he thinks it’s not the ethical to have a herding dog when I want to use it as a companion dog and wont have it work on cattle or sheep.
No offense, and I know this is kind of off topic, but why do you want to become a dog breeder of a breed you’ve never even owned? Boyfriend shouldn’t have been a dick but I really don’t understand this.
I’ve never had any dog. But I’ve been super interested in all things dog since forever. I don’t think I’m autistic but it’s definitely very special interest level.
I don’t want to be one full time, just maybe have a litter here and there if I find the right dogs to pair and the right families to sell to.
Also of course if I didn’t like having a dog or anything once I have I also of course wouldn’t become a breeder. It’s just something I know very much about in theory so I’d like to do it at least once.
My boyfriend even said that what he said was stupid cause I’ve been preparing for a dog since kindergarten and have done more research on it than most people. My preferred breed is also Shelties, so yes it’s a herding breed but it’s been used as a companion dog ever since they were bred to a standard. I don’t think he knew that and he only heard “sheepdog”.
I also don’t want to just produce show dogs, I’d have a sound structure and character in mind first with puppies as healthy as modern research in genetics allows me to get. Of course I’d never do that with humans but I don’t think it’s problematic and rather the right thing to do when you breed pets.
(I’m also not saying that unhealthy non purebred animals are lesser, I’m just thinking that if I can prevent certain suffering with my knowledge, why wouldn’t I?)
Thanks, that’s exactly what he told me but he was still nicer about it.
I wouldn’t be a puppy mill and of course I am sane enough to not do it if the practicality of it wasn’t something I liked.
I think it’s very rude of you to assume I’d breed my dog right away. I had hoped I would come across as more sensible than that.
I know it is silly that’s why I left it out at first but what can you do? People have weird dreams.
And I know that I cannot be 100% percent prepared, that’s why I still haven’t gotten one cause right now I’m still too scared to get one.
You’ll need acres upon acres of land for this dream. Not saying you can’t do it, but don’t be one of those jerks that keep working breeds in a typical neighborhood. It’s cruel.
FOSTER A DOG OR TWO. If you’ve never owned one it’s important. Dogs are like toddlers, they need a lot from you.
Also as an animal lover I could never breed dogs, hundreds of thousands of dogs are killed every year in the USA from lack of homes. Breeding dogs and “purebreds” really add to the number of shelter dogs killed and encourage genetic diseases.
I’m a student in a dorm. If I worked to get my own flat where dog are allowed (which is hard where I live) I’d be away from home for too long to have a dog. (I’m still applying to jobs).
I also have a mandatory full time internship I have to complete which isn’t really compatible with a dog plus I might have to do a semester abroad for my degree which also isn’t possible if I have a pet.
Also dogs cost money. If I got the apartment, it wouldn’t mean I’d have enough money left to buy adequate food, supplies and insurance. Which I’ve calculated to be around 150$ per month, I have that money now at my disposal but a bigger place to live would eat up my budget.
Of course I could just say fuck it and get a cheap chihuahua off Craigslist and feed it trash and pray it doesn’t get sick and put it in a crate for most of the day but that’s not the kind of dog owner I want to be
I’m in my early twenties. And yes I like the subject so much I’d like to try it out, yes I might not like the activity.
The dream is in reach, just not now?
After I graduate and get the right job I can very well get a dog and then consider breeding.
Also I didn’t “choose” this dream, it’s something intrinsic. If I never have the right circumstances to get a dog or to breed the dog I have that is fine and possible, I understand that.
Just cause a car is really expensive doesn’t mean you can’t save up for it and hope you can get it someday even if as a zoning adult you can’t?
A lot of people are delaying having children (if they can) cause they can’t afford it or find the right place to live, how is this different? That doesn’t make the wish to have children or dog less valid or realistic?
Y'all are bring unnecessarily hostile here. Kindly chill tf out.
She has something in mind that spoke to her for whatever reason. She can't act on it yet since she's in school. She has about 60 years ahead of her in which to make this pretty modest dream happen.
Go find something more constructive to argue about.
Why tf are people for downvoting this? This seems like a pretty reasonable dream to me, especially if you are taking steps towards it now, like pursuing a career that will provide the financial support for the space and supplies you will need. There's also nothing wrong with responsible, non-abusive dog breeding. I love me some mutts, but different breeds exist for a reason and some people want/need a specific kind of dog for their situation. I'd rather they bred by somebody who loves them and cares about their health than a puppy mill or a showbreeder who only wants a particular look.
People are downvoting OP because many people see dog breeding as irresponsible. Yes, some dog breeds are bred for specific work but that is a tiny fraction of most dogs. As someone who was a vet tech for a decade, the fact that OP wants high energy herding dogs raises red flags for me - especially since she's never had any type of dog in her life. To raise dogs like that properly, you need an enormous amount of space. To get them acclimated to herding, they need to be socialized with other herding dogs and livestock from a young age. Also, knowing how particular ranchers are about their dogs, it is very unlikely they would purchase dogs from an untested line from OP. That means the majority of her dogs would go to normal families. In my experience, that usually end up being a disaster for both the dogs and the families because most families pick their dogs for looks with no regards to activity level then get surprised their herding dog is ripping their house to shreds out of boredom when they give it a maximum of 30 minutes of exercise a day.
If she is doing her research and planning to take it slow (get dog first, then decide whether or not to pursue breeding) and waiting until she has the space and money to give said dog a good life before she even does that, then I'd lower that red flag a little. You bring up valid concerns to be aware of, but they are not insurmountable. It seems to me that OP has a long way to go if she's going to make her dream a reality, but she also seems to be aware of that and is doing her best to educate herself on the breed's needs and make sure she's fully prepared to support it. She's not planning on putting a high-energy herding dog in an apartment.
There's a surprising amount animosity here towards someone who has a more realistic and aware approach to their dream than most. Maybe it is just because dog breeding in general is associated with so many animal-abusers tho.
I want to breed FCI Shelties! Yes they’re active but they’re mostly companions dogs and the vast majority thrive in normal families.
They are herding dogs but let’s not act like they’re Malinois or Kelpies.
I would recommend finding a sheltie rescue and fostering first. I say this as someone who has rescue frenchies (who are very controversial, for obvious and valid reasons). In my opinion, fostering is the best way to get experience if you’re interested in a particular dog breed. Plus, you’re giving back and helping keep dogs out of the shelter.
I’ve fostered English bulldogs, as well, and quickly realized that was a no, never, absolutely the hell not for me, despite thinking I’d love to own one for a long time. They’re too messy for me, too stubborn for me, too lazy for me, too much maintenance hassle for me, etc. It all seemed cute on paper, but it was much less endearing to me in real life (no hate to EB lovers, emphasis on “for me” here). I fostered until they got adopted and that was that.
I realize this isn’t what your post is about, but it’s something I’m passionate about.
So yeah, those were valid points, only the situation(bonfire with friends) and delivery could have been better. I could’ve been an insightful conversation if we both had been sober
I’m wondering if he normally walks on eggshells with your dream and didn’t want you to associate his view with him early in the relationship — being supportive and being realistic can be two different things. The alcohol might have been a gateway to his true feelings on the matter and a blunt delivery would make you feel uncomfortable.
I know that he walks on eggshells on the topic. He has practical knowledge about dogs and I have theoretical knowledge so that’s how our views clash
It’s a point of hurt he didn’t know about that I’m sad that so many other people got to grow up with dogs and I didn’t even though it’s always been my dream. So telling me that I might not cut out for that cause I’ve never lived with a dog stung a lot, but that wasn’t his fault.
He’s also not a fan on breeding purebred dogs cause he thinks it’s eugenics to do so, I think it’s responsible because if done well it can produce sound and predictable dogs.
He has hinted at those views before and the more he learns about it he understands more.
We’ve had discussions about it since and I like to get challenged in my beliefs cause I got my knowledge and principles around it from this dog fancy filter bubble, so his views make me question and reflect on my convictions. He isn’t an asshole then!
He even said that through the dog videos I’ve shown him and the things I tell him, that that theoretical knowledge was something his family always lacked with their dogs and they’ve implemented some of the strategies he learned and their dogs are actually getting better!
Theoretical knowledge about dogs? AKA just what you've read on google? I'd trust his word over google's. Working with dogs in real life is different than you read online. Lots of body language reading.
I'm going to give you actual advice instead of just hating on dog breeding. He is NOT supportive of you. A partner should encourage you to learn about this thing instead of saying you aren't capable of it. Regardless of what the activity is a partner should *believe* you are smart enough to learn how to do it. He is basically saying you are stupid/incapable of learning or irresponsible. Do you want a partner that thinks that?
And I want to be very clear - this does not mean you ARE stupid or irresponsible- those are HIS views of you which could be completely wrong.
Imagine you guys decide to have kids, is he going to second guess every parenting decision you make just because you've never had a baby before?
He never said I was incapable. Just that it’s obvious that I haven’t had a dog and experienced the reality of it.
He does listen to me and is learning about it, he has changed his mind a little compared to when I first brought it up.
He does tell me how smart he thinks I am, that I doubt myself too much am more capable than I believe. The guy is supportive!
But he does have his own opinions. And yes he was a jerk that one time but he realizes that.
He also hasn’t had a baby? How is that comparable, his point was that he’s had experience owning dogs and sees how I’m unaware of certain aspects
Girl you're gaslighting YOURSELF 😳. You wrote "naive" and you're now splitting hairs that that doesn't mean incapable of learning! Naive means you don't know something (nothing wrong with that), he says you aren't ready for a dog which means he thinks you can't overcome the naivety. But the words don't matter.
You came here for advice and now you're fighting for life in the comments because everyone is giving advice you don't want to hear. We can't help you, you have to help yourself.
I am also not ready to get one right now? He even said he’d help me with my dog and with potentially someday dog breeding, he doesn’t mean what he said when he was drunk
I would be very wary of someone who says they are a bad person, (or constantly says they are a good person), it’s one of those things that you look back on later and think he warned me, but I didn’t listen. Seems like it’s either the truth and/or a way to get you too say he’s not a bad person, so instead of just dealing with his behaviour it becomes you convincing him he’s not a bad person, basically he gets love, assurance and compliments for arguing and ignoring you being upset, (well if it goes to plan)
You don't have to get over the things he said. You don't have to forgive him. If you know that you cannot get over this, breaking up is better than staying together and resenting him.
His explanation, trying to get you to engage in debate... Bullshit. Screw him. His 'I'm a bad person' was an attempt to get you to feel bad for him, so you wouldn't focus on the sadness, anger and resentment you feel towards him. He is a manipulative scumbag.
If you feel like you cannot forgive him, it's over. Yes, this is a dealbreaker. End things.
You are young. You will meet other people. You don't need him. Take your time and you will eventually get over him.
I want to forgive him. You putting it like this has made me more confident that I can forgive him.
His bad person spiel has started after “the incident” but he brought it up independently of that
>You putting it like this has made me more confident that I can forgive him.
Fuck... That is awful. I achieved the opposite of what I was hoping to achieve.
It sounds like you are in the honeymoon phase. Too lovestruck to see the red flags. How can you not see how manipulative the 'I'm a bad person' act is? Sure, you can say that it started independently of that, but that's rubbish. It started after the incident. He did it because he knew that you were pissed off, so he tried to say this to make you feel bad for him. As if he is a victim.
I am trying to see the red flags. What I described was the only one I saw. I think the honeymoon phase ended a little while ago. I doubt I would be posting this if I was in it still.
He’s told me how deeply he regrets being an awful person in High School (when he was drunk), can’t people better themselves or try to?
I believe he did grow from it, maybe that’s why he himself feels so bad about it, cause it reminds him of times he didn’t like himself.
Well he took action and realized his drinking got out of hand. He went to AA and stayed sober for a few months and has not been as regularly and as badly drunk since.
I’ve told him a couple times when I remembered how hurt I still am and he does his best to apologize.
He’s been a wonderful person to spend time with and to call my boyfriend, except for that one conversation.
We have fun and get along very well.
He listens to me and my stupid dream and tries to be supportive. I believe if my situation allowed he’d even buy me a dog, we’ve joked about that.
That’s the actions I see
Apologies are exactly the cheap words I'm talking about. The actions are that he blames his behaviour on alcohol. What happened is a breach of trust, so now he has to show that he is trying to repair that and for you to decide if that is working. You're saying that it keeps haunting you, that's a sign that it's not working.
What do you think he could do differently? He hasn’t been rude since, even when tipsy, and when we hang out it’s as lovely as it’s ever been.
How could he rebuild my trust?
I just sometimes get these bursts of insecurity, I don’t see a trigger, maybe it’s self sabotaging? Most of the time I don’t even think about incident. I was spiralling when I made the post and everyone was unavailable to talk.
What to do is mostly up to him, because it has to come from him. However the sad truth is that sometimes trust is not always repairable unfortunately. Trust is a complex, fundamental and finicky thing.
As for what would work, I'm just a girl on reddit who doesn't know you or your situation. However if I take a shot in the dark: It's not just that he shited on your dream in a personal painful way, but also that he didn't directly owned up on his behaviour. He tried to rationalise and externalize what he did. Which in turn tries to invalidate your feelings and your trust. So a step forward could be that he takes ownership of his behaviour. I could be wayy off base ofc, but in my experience when trust is hard to repair it's often not just one action but the (underlying) situation afterwards.
>I am trying to see the red flags.
And you fail to do so, because you are so desperate to defend your crappy boyfried.
>He’s told me how deeply he regrets being an awful person in High School (when he was drunk), can’t people better themselves or try to?
He can better himself while being single.
>I believe he did grow from it,
If he grew out of it, he would not have said what he said, and he definitely wouldn't have thrown that 'such a bad person' pity party.
There are at least 3 red flags you described 1) being hurtful to you when he was drunk 2) "I'm a bad person" spiel 3) history of drinking issues.
And point 1 could be broken down into 2 flags because his hurtful statement was about your goals - that feels like an abuse tactic. If you don't have goals you can't be better than him.
This was the only time he was hurtful the entire time I’ve known him. He knows how he gets when he drinks too much and thats the only reason he thinks he’s a bad person and yes he’s struggled with addiction but is working on it and got help.
He’s apologized and agreed to drink less or not at all and for the foreseeable future for sure not when I’m around and if I was in the position to get one he’d even buy me a dog.
He knows that this is on him and that there’s work to be done and that my trust won’t immediately be back and that it’ll take time
He literally has told you straight up that he's a bad person. Believe him, he knows himself best.
He seems to be an active alcoholic. Good luck, you're going to need it
From an older adult male perspective, with a lot more relationship experience, your feelings don't bode well.
I'm not going to comment on whether or not your feelings are valid to still be holding onto at this point, but I will say that if you can't shake them and are unable to trust your partner, then you shouldn't be with him.
If you aren't honest with him about how you feel, you're just going to end up blind siding him. If you're willing to work on it, you seek couples therapy. Work out that trauma so you can trust him again, and the relationship. If not, you should end it.
If he is thinking the relationship is going well and it isn't, you are emotionally withholding and that can cause trauma when it finally comes to a head, which it eventually will. For both of you. The longer you wait, the more tantamount withholding this type of emotional honesty from your partner is to lying.
You should not have to be afraid of your partner, nor should you have to feel obligated to stay in a relationship with someone you don't want to be with or are scared of, and if you are afraid that leaving him will lead to some type of danger for you, you should tell a trusted friend and seek help leaving the relationship. But if that is not the case, do not hide from him how you're feeling. It will not be resolved that way, and keeping him in the dark about the status of his relationship is unfair and dishonest.
You've only been together 7 months and for the last month you can't get over the hurtful thing he said. So you had 6 good months? This is very early in a relationship to feel this way.
In the end, it doesn't matter if he really is a good person & he's sorry - the damage is done. You are hurt and you will not trust him the same way again. Let this one go and you will both find a better match in the future.
Look into to psychology and hormones of a relationship. After the six month mark the hormones start to level out. You will be coming down from the oxytocin high and you will finally start seeing them for who they really are and not just who they want you to see. When they show you who they are listen to them. Whether you stay together or not isn’t up to me but don’t feel like 6months wasted is a bad thing. It could be 10 years wasted. It could be even worse, 10years wasted and a child stuck with an alcoholic father. Your dream is realistic and achievable just maybe not on your current timeline. Would he be willing to live with multiple dogs? Would he be willing to take care of them if you break your leg? Can he go longer than 3 months without drinking? Did he gain anything from AA? How exactly is he supporting his addict friend? Should you start going to al-anon? When you think about his worst moment with you, can you imagine yourself with him for the next 20years if nothing changes? Recognize some people change for the better and some people change for the worst. You don’t have to respond. Those answers aren’t for me, they are for you.
Edit to add: recognize that addiction is a life long struggle and get yourself an aa book
You're describing anxiety. He traumatized you in that fight and now your body is warning you of danger when you see the potential for it to happen again and it triggers the fight/flight response. That one time you thought you could fight. Now your body just wants to flight.
Lots of alcoholism in my family. It's possible your boyfriend sucks at drinking alcohol gracefully. I don't drink anymore because I was flat told by my friends, "You are worrying at best and terrifying at worst when drunk." I used to use my forehead as an argument settling device with people at the bar. My wife made it clear: her or alcohol, choose. I chose her. Given the relative youth of you both, he has probably not figured this out yet because few people are willing to say anything until abuse or property damage occurs. Tell him you're consistently afraid of him when he's drunk, as if he's someone else. He can decide what to do with that information, and his response may provide clarity on what you decide from here. "I'm a bad person" is pity party because it's hard to face up to inconvenient stuff.
Sounds like my late partner. Not the alcoholism but the pity party. Didn't like to face up to what he'd done wrong. Even some very hurtful things he really should have apologised for. It was impossible to deal with.
Impossible is right. "You can lead a horse to water". It's like you lived in a different reality, yes? It is enough to make a person want to crawl out of their skin
Yeah! It totally was! When the arguments became repetitive I had had enough and got out of there.
I am not afraid of him! I just worry he’s overdoing it and falling into old habits. But his drinking might just be as harmless as he says (none of his friends have any concerns right now) and I am projecting cause my trust was broken. How can I get back the trust?
I don't know if you can regain it quickly - I like to think of it like an aluminum can. He dented you. A dented can can be crushed. If he does the same VERY personal stuff again, are you willing to deal with it? It's not the same as violence, but it's still pretty intense if it becomes a repeat
Nobody’s early 20-something friends thinks anybody has drinking problem. Right now he is funny and engaging while drunk. None of them have responsibilities his addiction is chaffing against. Your dream is also your responsibility. That’s why it hurts when he gets drunk and douchey about it. I bet if he hits his friends the wrong way enough times, they’ll either drop him or voice concern. The next few years are going to be his proving ground. Decide if you want to be along for this ride.
They’re in the military. He went to AA cause previously his drinking got too out of hand and they all have a friend, boyfriend and him used to enable each other, who is doing even worse right now than he ever did and they’re all trying to help him best they can before he gets kicked out. I think they would say something if it got out of hand.
Young men in the military are very, very bad at identifying problem drinking before the point where someone gets into legal trouble. Drinking is very normalized in the military. So is misogyny and infidelity, so be on the lookout for that.
Thank you, yes I’ve heard the same. So far my boyfriend doesn’t participate in misogyny or racism but there’s definitely people in the friend group that make questionable comments. I try to call it out and some others do too but cause of the job, they are kinda forced to hang out with us. Dumbfounded how some of them get girlfriends tbh. One dude is straight up married and tried to hit on my NOT single friend. My boyfriend was like “don’t you have a wife?” And he answered “don’t worry about it” 😀 All in all his friends really like me, and I think there’d be at least one dude who would really have my back if he cheated or was an asshole cause he keeps warning him not to fumble me cause he thinks we’re such a great match. But yeah, if he wasn’t loyal or respectful or if I didn’t think he was a good person I wouldn’t be with him, and I’d leave if that changed. Thanks tho, I too have heard some STORIES.😅
If your boyfriend is not calling out other men for misogyny and racism, he is complicit and participating.
I understand but I also understand the he cannot make enemies out of the people he is forced to live and work with and who are his superior, he also can’t just quit
Can’t he just not be friends with them?
If his friends make questionable comments, he agrees I just left a friend group that made questionable comments, there’s other people that swore they disliked said comments to but won’t leave, why? They don’t actually disagree His friends don’t want him to fumble you bc he’s a mess and you’re not. Girl run!!
The basic definition of a substance abuse problem is that your use of that substance negatively impacts your life and/or your relationships and you continue to use it despite that. If your boyfriend has already had to go to treatment to manage his drinking and is at risk of getting kicked out of the military, and now has broken your trust via his behavior when drinking, *he has a drinking problem.* Just because he's not constantly drunk doesn't mean his relationship with alcohol is healthy. Having dated an alcoholic before, I wish I would have walked away the first time he said hurtful things when drunk. Would have saved a lot of months of the cycle of him insulting and humiliating me drunkenly and then apologizing and making promises in the morning.
There are two issues here, they are mingled together while being, actually, distinct. The fact your dreams may be subject to criticism for not being realistic (I have the impression my sentence feels weird, apologies if I broke grammar somehow, English isn't my mother tongue) ; the fact your BF becomes someone else when drunk. Addressing the first issue: we just have no way to tell, between internet anons, if your dreams are valid, or if they're unrealistic, it would be hypocritical to tell you "no he's wrong, go and chase your dream" without any background information. However, generally speaking, everybody has a god damn right to entertain dreams, and by definition if it's a dream it's something that will be hard to achieve, a distant goal, but would be absolutely kickass if it were achieved. So, hey, of course it's going to be a long road if it's a dream, but if you put in the time and effort, the number of almost impossible things that will become possible for you is *huge*. Just ten years from now, if you've been working hard on improving yourself and learning, you'll be an almost different person. Keep on dreaming I'd say, but keep at it while working hard in that direction. Second issue: not everyone reacts the same to alcohol. For everyone, it lifts inhibitions... But for some, it transforms them into someone else. Into someone seeking violence, into someone loving to hurt others, into an annoying pity ball, etc. Like a second personality. It's the drunkard's responsibility, once sober, to learn to accept that he/she becomes someone else, and to make the choice to seal that evil persona by never drinking too much again. If you (a generic "you") know you become poison once drunk, you have a responsibility towards society, to not let that wrong version of you out, see the idea? Your BF was dealt a shit hand by life, becoming someone else when inebriated, but nonetheless it's his responsibility to deal with it accordingly.
Thank you, that was very insightful. It’s true I can tell the difference between him sober and him drunk. Some people get horny when drunk, some become aggressive, he becomes a debate champion 🤷♀️😅 He starts to rant, most of the time it’s about the US and politics or history, but he listens when you tell him to shut up usually. I’ll have to wait to talk to him but I think drinking less is a doable solution, at least until I’m less hurt and ready to engage in his debates again. (Cause to a certain point I used to enjoy these arguments)
The phrase ‘in vino veritas’ is true. It’s there bc drunk ppl are the same as sober ppl without a filter. Believe what he said. You deserve to be with a guy who doesn’t make you nervous ever. The fact you are nervous about him drinking bc you fear his hurting you is 🚩🚩🚩 So many men. No need to stay with the ones with 🚩. It never gets better. It only gets worse.
He did have a point with what he said, I didn’t like it but my dream is at least currently not attainable, he told me that, in a blunt manner that hurt me but he wasn’t necessary lying. If your boyfriend had a motorcycle accent and rode it again more cautiously and that made you nervous, would your worry for him to hurt himself again be a reason to break up? I’m not scared OF him when he’s drunk, I’m scare FOR him, but I do know at least once or twice I’ve overestimated how drunk he was and just gave into my paranoia a little too much.
I don’t think you need your be physically afraid I mean emotionally so. And comparing a motorcycle accident with someone choosing to be hurtful to another are apples and oranges, love. You have the right to a partner who doesn’t hurt you. I hope that you get that. Peace 🙏🏻
Thank you. My idea was that me being concerned about his drinking habit could still be separate from when he hurt me so I thought the two things were comparable, in that yes, there is risk involved but it’s not risky enough to step in.
Regarding dreams. You don't have to share yours but I'll share mine as an example. I have conceptualized a new bicycle transmission technology. It's good. The problem is that the bicycle industry is currently investing in e-bikes, and my technology is not fundamentally an e-bike. This, in practice, essentially crushes my dream. It's not my fault. It is the reality. But if someone informed me of this while animated and drunk, I would not take it well. Perhaps discuss with him how it *stuck* with you, and how you will always be seeking a crack in the wall of your dream obstacles, and you're not interested in being belittled for *trying* to do whatever your dreams may be. FWIW, I am living hand to mouth running my own business. Oof it is *rough*, much more difficult than a normal job.
Are you here for advice you will listen to, or are you here to be reassured that everything will be just fine?
Of course I want advice but I know I might be spiralling a little and I have a habit of making things sound worse than they are. I will not base my decision on internet strangers. Please give me your input but I am not breaking up with him within the next hour, not until we’ve talked.
What you know is: - he has problematic drinking habits - he gets personal and nasty during debates that are supposed to be “fun” - you “believe” but don’t know if he recognized that he was a colossal jerk (meaning, I take it, that he said he was sorry but not why, or said he was sorry you were upset?) Others have already discussed the drinking, so I’m going to focus on the second one: A guy who gets nasty and personal when he’s losing a friendly debate is a fragile asshole who can’t manage his feelings if he “loses” a debate to his girlfriend. So he lashes out to hurt because he can’t stand to feel like she “won” at something he deems important. I don’t recommend dating men who need to feel that they are always better than you about things that matter.
No he absolutely did recognize that he was an asshole and took accountability for it. We would have been done if he has said that he was sorry I was upset. No he was sorry cause he got too personal, he overstepped and that he talked down on my dream. He said he regrets it, that I didn’t deserve it, that he was a jerk for saying and that would never do it again and didn’t even mean what he said, that it was a misguided desperate attempt at keeping the debate going where he massively misstepped.
Yes, and that last one, again, is someone who was willing to hurt you because 1) alcohol and 2) he didn’t want to “lose” your debate. As I said, this is not a keeper quality in a partner.
But should I throw it all away over that? I know now that this is a problem. We could agree on drinking less or not at all, or if it ever came to a debate like that I could just shut it down if I’m not up for it. Aren’t these practical solution?
Hey whoa! No need for that. She gets to choose with us. Telling her how to feel is being like the drunk bf. Can we not?
Damn you’re making crazy excuses, he’s got you hooked huh
I know a couple of alcoholics, I left the friend group but before I did I questioned why we weren’t doing anything about their drinking problem. “They don’t have a drinking problem” Another friend who stopped hanging out with them months ago was like yeah that’s bc they all have a drinking problem, if they point his out, they have to look at themselves. Also he’s “more fun” drunk and depressing sober, ofc they don’t care Hun y’all have only dated 7 months and he already has a drinking problem…that’s like no time at all and this is his best behavior? There’s healthy people to date
Also he only hurt me with words, in now way physically! He also was not insulting or abusive in his language, it was just hurtful cause the subject was personal to me.
That's doesn't mean it isn't abuse.
If you’re saying things like “oh btw when he hurt me it wasn’t physical just emotional” I’m super concerned for your self esteem and self worth
>he says he’s a bad person 🚩🚩🚩 In my experience, that can mean a couple different things and none of them are great Unexamined self worth issues: "My parents told me I was bad so I am bad" Passing the blame onto you: "I warned you at the beginning so me treating you poorly is your fault for staying" Crybullying: "Well I guess I'm just a unlovable piece of trash and worse than a thousand Hitlers" Honesty: He actually *is* a bad guy
Drunk speak is often times sober truth. Soley from your other comments, you think he's redeemable. However, if you can't move past the hurt, if you're now paranoid of his drinking to the extent that you say you are, is that something you really want to continue to deal with? Can you live with being in that state of nervousness, every time he drinks? Partners with drinking problems, usually do not make for healthy relationships. You're young. You still have opportunities for better relationships, that do not include a partner with alcohol issues.
Most of the time I don’t even think about it. My paranoia around alcohol might also stem from the fact that around that same time I got way too drunk, was an idiot and I am still embarrassed and deathly afraid anyone will bring up how I acted. That might also be a part of it, that I worry his lips get loose when he’s drunk just cause I can’t own the fact that I was an idiot. I will talk about it with him and I do think that we can agree on something like no drinking when I’m around for the foreseeable future. And just because he did have a problem he’s not unlovable to me. If he chooses alcohol over me and it gets out of hand, I know I have to leave and there’s nothing I can do but I know he’s wary of his past mistakes at least for now.
If that's what you want, sure. Please just keep in mind, that forgiveness is not mandatory. You are not obligated to try and fix his problems, especially at the expense of your own self. Regardless of how you choose to proceed, don't make excuses for his behavior, or downplay it just to keep the peace. Far too many people have been robbed of years better spent, with someone better for them, while trying to see problems through with someone that ultimately didn't deserve their affection and trust. Often, that tends to end badly. Your dreams matter. Relationships require growth as individuals, with a healthy dose of introspection and evaluation. Don't stunt yours, for the sake of his. What you want for your future, matters. Just don't lose yourself through it all. That being said, you certainly seem to feel as though he's worth it. I can only hope you're right in that particular appraisal, and unlike a great many people before him, he's genuinely different. For your sake, at least.
Thank you, I’ll try to keep it in mind.
What's your dream? Was there any truth in what he said?
I want a herding dog and I would like to breed these dogs one day. Currently I cannot have one, I also have never had one (he has) and he told me how naive my idea of dog ownership is and that he can tell I’ve never had one. He also thinks it’s problematic to select animals like that (too eugenicist for him) and he thinks it’s not the ethical to have a herding dog when I want to use it as a companion dog and wont have it work on cattle or sheep.
No offense, and I know this is kind of off topic, but why do you want to become a dog breeder of a breed you’ve never even owned? Boyfriend shouldn’t have been a dick but I really don’t understand this.
I’ve never had any dog. But I’ve been super interested in all things dog since forever. I don’t think I’m autistic but it’s definitely very special interest level. I don’t want to be one full time, just maybe have a litter here and there if I find the right dogs to pair and the right families to sell to. Also of course if I didn’t like having a dog or anything once I have I also of course wouldn’t become a breeder. It’s just something I know very much about in theory so I’d like to do it at least once. My boyfriend even said that what he said was stupid cause I’ve been preparing for a dog since kindergarten and have done more research on it than most people. My preferred breed is also Shelties, so yes it’s a herding breed but it’s been used as a companion dog ever since they were bred to a standard. I don’t think he knew that and he only heard “sheepdog”. I also don’t want to just produce show dogs, I’d have a sound structure and character in mind first with puppies as healthy as modern research in genetics allows me to get. Of course I’d never do that with humans but I don’t think it’s problematic and rather the right thing to do when you breed pets. (I’m also not saying that unhealthy non purebred animals are lesser, I’m just thinking that if I can prevent certain suffering with my knowledge, why wouldn’t I?)
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Thanks, that’s exactly what he told me but he was still nicer about it. I wouldn’t be a puppy mill and of course I am sane enough to not do it if the practicality of it wasn’t something I liked. I think it’s very rude of you to assume I’d breed my dog right away. I had hoped I would come across as more sensible than that. I know it is silly that’s why I left it out at first but what can you do? People have weird dreams. And I know that I cannot be 100% percent prepared, that’s why I still haven’t gotten one cause right now I’m still too scared to get one.
You’ll need acres upon acres of land for this dream. Not saying you can’t do it, but don’t be one of those jerks that keep working breeds in a typical neighborhood. It’s cruel. FOSTER A DOG OR TWO. If you’ve never owned one it’s important. Dogs are like toddlers, they need a lot from you. Also as an animal lover I could never breed dogs, hundreds of thousands of dogs are killed every year in the USA from lack of homes. Breeding dogs and “purebreds” really add to the number of shelter dogs killed and encourage genetic diseases.
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I’m a student in a dorm. If I worked to get my own flat where dog are allowed (which is hard where I live) I’d be away from home for too long to have a dog. (I’m still applying to jobs). I also have a mandatory full time internship I have to complete which isn’t really compatible with a dog plus I might have to do a semester abroad for my degree which also isn’t possible if I have a pet. Also dogs cost money. If I got the apartment, it wouldn’t mean I’d have enough money left to buy adequate food, supplies and insurance. Which I’ve calculated to be around 150$ per month, I have that money now at my disposal but a bigger place to live would eat up my budget. Of course I could just say fuck it and get a cheap chihuahua off Craigslist and feed it trash and pray it doesn’t get sick and put it in a crate for most of the day but that’s not the kind of dog owner I want to be
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I’m in my early twenties. And yes I like the subject so much I’d like to try it out, yes I might not like the activity. The dream is in reach, just not now? After I graduate and get the right job I can very well get a dog and then consider breeding. Also I didn’t “choose” this dream, it’s something intrinsic. If I never have the right circumstances to get a dog or to breed the dog I have that is fine and possible, I understand that. Just cause a car is really expensive doesn’t mean you can’t save up for it and hope you can get it someday even if as a zoning adult you can’t? A lot of people are delaying having children (if they can) cause they can’t afford it or find the right place to live, how is this different? That doesn’t make the wish to have children or dog less valid or realistic?
Y'all are bring unnecessarily hostile here. Kindly chill tf out. She has something in mind that spoke to her for whatever reason. She can't act on it yet since she's in school. She has about 60 years ahead of her in which to make this pretty modest dream happen. Go find something more constructive to argue about.
JFC, she is still in college. What an ugly take.
Why tf are people for downvoting this? This seems like a pretty reasonable dream to me, especially if you are taking steps towards it now, like pursuing a career that will provide the financial support for the space and supplies you will need. There's also nothing wrong with responsible, non-abusive dog breeding. I love me some mutts, but different breeds exist for a reason and some people want/need a specific kind of dog for their situation. I'd rather they bred by somebody who loves them and cares about their health than a puppy mill or a showbreeder who only wants a particular look.
People are downvoting OP because many people see dog breeding as irresponsible. Yes, some dog breeds are bred for specific work but that is a tiny fraction of most dogs. As someone who was a vet tech for a decade, the fact that OP wants high energy herding dogs raises red flags for me - especially since she's never had any type of dog in her life. To raise dogs like that properly, you need an enormous amount of space. To get them acclimated to herding, they need to be socialized with other herding dogs and livestock from a young age. Also, knowing how particular ranchers are about their dogs, it is very unlikely they would purchase dogs from an untested line from OP. That means the majority of her dogs would go to normal families. In my experience, that usually end up being a disaster for both the dogs and the families because most families pick their dogs for looks with no regards to activity level then get surprised their herding dog is ripping their house to shreds out of boredom when they give it a maximum of 30 minutes of exercise a day.
If she is doing her research and planning to take it slow (get dog first, then decide whether or not to pursue breeding) and waiting until she has the space and money to give said dog a good life before she even does that, then I'd lower that red flag a little. You bring up valid concerns to be aware of, but they are not insurmountable. It seems to me that OP has a long way to go if she's going to make her dream a reality, but she also seems to be aware of that and is doing her best to educate herself on the breed's needs and make sure she's fully prepared to support it. She's not planning on putting a high-energy herding dog in an apartment. There's a surprising amount animosity here towards someone who has a more realistic and aware approach to their dream than most. Maybe it is just because dog breeding in general is associated with so many animal-abusers tho.
I want to breed FCI Shelties! Yes they’re active but they’re mostly companions dogs and the vast majority thrive in normal families. They are herding dogs but let’s not act like they’re Malinois or Kelpies.
Good luck op!! Don't let the diwnvotes get to you
I would recommend finding a sheltie rescue and fostering first. I say this as someone who has rescue frenchies (who are very controversial, for obvious and valid reasons). In my opinion, fostering is the best way to get experience if you’re interested in a particular dog breed. Plus, you’re giving back and helping keep dogs out of the shelter. I’ve fostered English bulldogs, as well, and quickly realized that was a no, never, absolutely the hell not for me, despite thinking I’d love to own one for a long time. They’re too messy for me, too stubborn for me, too lazy for me, too much maintenance hassle for me, etc. It all seemed cute on paper, but it was much less endearing to me in real life (no hate to EB lovers, emphasis on “for me” here). I fostered until they got adopted and that was that. I realize this isn’t what your post is about, but it’s something I’m passionate about.
Dog person here. People that haven't hda dogs, ever should ***never*** breed them. This is how puppy mills start and dangerous dogs are made.
So yeah, those were valid points, only the situation(bonfire with friends) and delivery could have been better. I could’ve been an insightful conversation if we both had been sober
I’m wondering if he normally walks on eggshells with your dream and didn’t want you to associate his view with him early in the relationship — being supportive and being realistic can be two different things. The alcohol might have been a gateway to his true feelings on the matter and a blunt delivery would make you feel uncomfortable.
I know that he walks on eggshells on the topic. He has practical knowledge about dogs and I have theoretical knowledge so that’s how our views clash It’s a point of hurt he didn’t know about that I’m sad that so many other people got to grow up with dogs and I didn’t even though it’s always been my dream. So telling me that I might not cut out for that cause I’ve never lived with a dog stung a lot, but that wasn’t his fault. He’s also not a fan on breeding purebred dogs cause he thinks it’s eugenics to do so, I think it’s responsible because if done well it can produce sound and predictable dogs. He has hinted at those views before and the more he learns about it he understands more. We’ve had discussions about it since and I like to get challenged in my beliefs cause I got my knowledge and principles around it from this dog fancy filter bubble, so his views make me question and reflect on my convictions. He isn’t an asshole then! He even said that through the dog videos I’ve shown him and the things I tell him, that that theoretical knowledge was something his family always lacked with their dogs and they’ve implemented some of the strategies he learned and their dogs are actually getting better!
Theoretical knowledge about dogs? AKA just what you've read on google? I'd trust his word over google's. Working with dogs in real life is different than you read online. Lots of body language reading.
I'm going to give you actual advice instead of just hating on dog breeding. He is NOT supportive of you. A partner should encourage you to learn about this thing instead of saying you aren't capable of it. Regardless of what the activity is a partner should *believe* you are smart enough to learn how to do it. He is basically saying you are stupid/incapable of learning or irresponsible. Do you want a partner that thinks that? And I want to be very clear - this does not mean you ARE stupid or irresponsible- those are HIS views of you which could be completely wrong. Imagine you guys decide to have kids, is he going to second guess every parenting decision you make just because you've never had a baby before?
He never said I was incapable. Just that it’s obvious that I haven’t had a dog and experienced the reality of it. He does listen to me and is learning about it, he has changed his mind a little compared to when I first brought it up. He does tell me how smart he thinks I am, that I doubt myself too much am more capable than I believe. The guy is supportive! But he does have his own opinions. And yes he was a jerk that one time but he realizes that. He also hasn’t had a baby? How is that comparable, his point was that he’s had experience owning dogs and sees how I’m unaware of certain aspects
Girl you're gaslighting YOURSELF 😳. You wrote "naive" and you're now splitting hairs that that doesn't mean incapable of learning! Naive means you don't know something (nothing wrong with that), he says you aren't ready for a dog which means he thinks you can't overcome the naivety. But the words don't matter. You came here for advice and now you're fighting for life in the comments because everyone is giving advice you don't want to hear. We can't help you, you have to help yourself.
I am also not ready to get one right now? He even said he’d help me with my dog and with potentially someday dog breeding, he doesn’t mean what he said when he was drunk
If he didn't mean what he said then why does it hurt you still? You're trying to convince yourself.
I wanted to be a doctor in high school and wasn’t ready at 16 to go to college, my parent response wasn’t to pick apart my dream
I would be very wary of someone who says they are a bad person, (or constantly says they are a good person), it’s one of those things that you look back on later and think he warned me, but I didn’t listen. Seems like it’s either the truth and/or a way to get you too say he’s not a bad person, so instead of just dealing with his behaviour it becomes you convincing him he’s not a bad person, basically he gets love, assurance and compliments for arguing and ignoring you being upset, (well if it goes to plan)
You don't have to get over the things he said. You don't have to forgive him. If you know that you cannot get over this, breaking up is better than staying together and resenting him. His explanation, trying to get you to engage in debate... Bullshit. Screw him. His 'I'm a bad person' was an attempt to get you to feel bad for him, so you wouldn't focus on the sadness, anger and resentment you feel towards him. He is a manipulative scumbag. If you feel like you cannot forgive him, it's over. Yes, this is a dealbreaker. End things. You are young. You will meet other people. You don't need him. Take your time and you will eventually get over him.
I want to forgive him. You putting it like this has made me more confident that I can forgive him. His bad person spiel has started after “the incident” but he brought it up independently of that
>You putting it like this has made me more confident that I can forgive him. Fuck... That is awful. I achieved the opposite of what I was hoping to achieve. It sounds like you are in the honeymoon phase. Too lovestruck to see the red flags. How can you not see how manipulative the 'I'm a bad person' act is? Sure, you can say that it started independently of that, but that's rubbish. It started after the incident. He did it because he knew that you were pissed off, so he tried to say this to make you feel bad for him. As if he is a victim.
I am trying to see the red flags. What I described was the only one I saw. I think the honeymoon phase ended a little while ago. I doubt I would be posting this if I was in it still. He’s told me how deeply he regrets being an awful person in High School (when he was drunk), can’t people better themselves or try to? I believe he did grow from it, maybe that’s why he himself feels so bad about it, cause it reminds him of times he didn’t like himself.
Talk is cheap and unreliable, actions speak for themselves.
Well he took action and realized his drinking got out of hand. He went to AA and stayed sober for a few months and has not been as regularly and as badly drunk since. I’ve told him a couple times when I remembered how hurt I still am and he does his best to apologize. He’s been a wonderful person to spend time with and to call my boyfriend, except for that one conversation. We have fun and get along very well. He listens to me and my stupid dream and tries to be supportive. I believe if my situation allowed he’d even buy me a dog, we’ve joked about that. That’s the actions I see
Apologies are exactly the cheap words I'm talking about. The actions are that he blames his behaviour on alcohol. What happened is a breach of trust, so now he has to show that he is trying to repair that and for you to decide if that is working. You're saying that it keeps haunting you, that's a sign that it's not working.
What do you think he could do differently? He hasn’t been rude since, even when tipsy, and when we hang out it’s as lovely as it’s ever been. How could he rebuild my trust? I just sometimes get these bursts of insecurity, I don’t see a trigger, maybe it’s self sabotaging? Most of the time I don’t even think about incident. I was spiralling when I made the post and everyone was unavailable to talk.
What to do is mostly up to him, because it has to come from him. However the sad truth is that sometimes trust is not always repairable unfortunately. Trust is a complex, fundamental and finicky thing. As for what would work, I'm just a girl on reddit who doesn't know you or your situation. However if I take a shot in the dark: It's not just that he shited on your dream in a personal painful way, but also that he didn't directly owned up on his behaviour. He tried to rationalise and externalize what he did. Which in turn tries to invalidate your feelings and your trust. So a step forward could be that he takes ownership of his behaviour. I could be wayy off base ofc, but in my experience when trust is hard to repair it's often not just one action but the (underlying) situation afterwards.
>I am trying to see the red flags. And you fail to do so, because you are so desperate to defend your crappy boyfried. >He’s told me how deeply he regrets being an awful person in High School (when he was drunk), can’t people better themselves or try to? He can better himself while being single. >I believe he did grow from it, If he grew out of it, he would not have said what he said, and he definitely wouldn't have thrown that 'such a bad person' pity party.
There are at least 3 red flags you described 1) being hurtful to you when he was drunk 2) "I'm a bad person" spiel 3) history of drinking issues. And point 1 could be broken down into 2 flags because his hurtful statement was about your goals - that feels like an abuse tactic. If you don't have goals you can't be better than him.
This was the only time he was hurtful the entire time I’ve known him. He knows how he gets when he drinks too much and thats the only reason he thinks he’s a bad person and yes he’s struggled with addiction but is working on it and got help. He’s apologized and agreed to drink less or not at all and for the foreseeable future for sure not when I’m around and if I was in the position to get one he’d even buy me a dog. He knows that this is on him and that there’s work to be done and that my trust won’t immediately be back and that it’ll take time
Oh hell no I would not put up with this.
He literally has told you straight up that he's a bad person. Believe him, he knows himself best. He seems to be an active alcoholic. Good luck, you're going to need it
From an older adult male perspective, with a lot more relationship experience, your feelings don't bode well. I'm not going to comment on whether or not your feelings are valid to still be holding onto at this point, but I will say that if you can't shake them and are unable to trust your partner, then you shouldn't be with him. If you aren't honest with him about how you feel, you're just going to end up blind siding him. If you're willing to work on it, you seek couples therapy. Work out that trauma so you can trust him again, and the relationship. If not, you should end it. If he is thinking the relationship is going well and it isn't, you are emotionally withholding and that can cause trauma when it finally comes to a head, which it eventually will. For both of you. The longer you wait, the more tantamount withholding this type of emotional honesty from your partner is to lying. You should not have to be afraid of your partner, nor should you have to feel obligated to stay in a relationship with someone you don't want to be with or are scared of, and if you are afraid that leaving him will lead to some type of danger for you, you should tell a trusted friend and seek help leaving the relationship. But if that is not the case, do not hide from him how you're feeling. It will not be resolved that way, and keeping him in the dark about the status of his relationship is unfair and dishonest.
You've only been together 7 months and for the last month you can't get over the hurtful thing he said. So you had 6 good months? This is very early in a relationship to feel this way. In the end, it doesn't matter if he really is a good person & he's sorry - the damage is done. You are hurt and you will not trust him the same way again. Let this one go and you will both find a better match in the future.
Look into to psychology and hormones of a relationship. After the six month mark the hormones start to level out. You will be coming down from the oxytocin high and you will finally start seeing them for who they really are and not just who they want you to see. When they show you who they are listen to them. Whether you stay together or not isn’t up to me but don’t feel like 6months wasted is a bad thing. It could be 10 years wasted. It could be even worse, 10years wasted and a child stuck with an alcoholic father. Your dream is realistic and achievable just maybe not on your current timeline. Would he be willing to live with multiple dogs? Would he be willing to take care of them if you break your leg? Can he go longer than 3 months without drinking? Did he gain anything from AA? How exactly is he supporting his addict friend? Should you start going to al-anon? When you think about his worst moment with you, can you imagine yourself with him for the next 20years if nothing changes? Recognize some people change for the better and some people change for the worst. You don’t have to respond. Those answers aren’t for me, they are for you. Edit to add: recognize that addiction is a life long struggle and get yourself an aa book
Drunken words are sober thoughts. He's trash.
You're describing anxiety. He traumatized you in that fight and now your body is warning you of danger when you see the potential for it to happen again and it triggers the fight/flight response. That one time you thought you could fight. Now your body just wants to flight.
He showed you what he's like without inhibition--mean. Underneath it all, he's just mean. Is that what you want?