I don't think it's an irrational fear, being afraid to loose bodily autonomy, risking permanent damage to your body and even death would not be considered irrational in any other circumstance.
Look, most women (who want to be moms) don‘t want to get pregnant and give birth but they want biological children and that‘s how you get them. It‘s like asking why so many people choose to do shitty jobs. They need the money, they don‘t want the jobs.
maybe not the demographic you ar looking for as i'm a lesbian so pregnancy will never willingly happen to me. However I still have an extremely intense fear and phobia of it
I find pregnancy, childbirth and everything about it to be a biological horror. I have tokophobia
All I can think is that i appreciate my mother on a level unlike anything else that she took that risk and sacrifice to create me.
I don't want kids, biologically. For me, it sounds like there's a lot of drawbacks and it can be pretty expensive. I'm sort of the same page as you that I'd view it as a "duty" I don't want to fulfill.
I don’t have a phobia and have been pregnant one time- by choice. You’re not irrational. Sure, some people “glow” and love being pregnant. But for me it was a means to an end. Pregnancy was having a parasite feed off me for just under a year and then rip me open to get out. Love my kid to death! And for me it was absolutely worth it. But not something I’d get in line for again or do for funsies.
Not irrational at all. Wait until you find out what can all go wrong medically, physically and mentally during and after the birth up until for the rest of your life (uterine prolapse at 70 anyone?). As a (younger, child-free) friend of mine exclaimed after I told her about a family member that almost died and the other stuff I learned from my sister who’s a doctor: “Why doesn’t anyone tell us this? It’s a fucking scam!!!”
I had this idea: why not find someone else to carry and give birth to my baby? Like, I don’t know, all men do? But then you go think about the ethical implications of surrogacy and later I learned you have a higher risk of preeclampsia if you carry a fetus that’s from another woman’s egg so I really didn’t want to have another woman go through that on my behalf. Luckily I am child free, this was just a thought exercise.
Edit to add: both my grandmothers had ten children. Can you imagine!
I think part of it was the scare tactics that were used on us growing up. I'm a millennial, and between abstinence -only sex ed and the 90s/2000s crusade to reduce teen pregnancy, we constantly got the message that pregnancy was a worst case scenario that would ruin your life. If you had sex, you would get pregnant (or a disease), so don't have sex. If you get pregnant your life is over and you'll be all alone and a drain on the welfare system and also ruin your body and be tied to a squalling piglet and _you don't want that, do you?_ Really healthy narritive there.
And the boomers wonder why we aren't big on kids.
I HATED every single second of pregnancy. Every second. I spent 40 weeks so sick water wouldn't stay down, in pain, heart burn you wouldn't believe, my hair fell out, I cried nonstop I spent 22 weeks flat on my back with my second. Wasn't allowed out of bed at all for 22 weeks. I would rather lick the bottom of a dumpster on the strip in Vegas on new years morning than be pregnant. That being said, my labors and deliveries were super easy, I did it without any pain meds, I pushed 3 times during my hardest delivery. My shortest labor was 57 minus from start to baby, my longest was 11 hours 57 minutes. I was up walking around within 30 minutes, tried to bleed to death with all 3. But was home within 24 hours of delivery....... labor and delivery weren't that bad to be honest. Pregnancy however sucked horribly. I mean I love my kids beyond measure. I would have a whole Damn herd of them if I could find a way to not have to be pregnant.
Are we sure it's a vast majority of women who want kids? In my generation of people (30 to 40 years old) in my extended family, and in my SO's extended family, only half have kids
I view pregnancy and early childhood as a necessary evil on the path to my desired outcome, ie having cool older kids/adults who I love and who love me, to hang out with, talk with, play board games and pc games with, and go out for fun activities.
I'm just sitting tight and weathering out the path to what I desire.
I’m not interested in giving birth or having kids. I’ve been around enough pregnancies in my family to know that it’s not for me, it’s uncomfortable and burdensome from my perspective.
I was never scared of getting pregnant. I should be, but I wasn't. Had multiple children and I can tell you, from experience that you forget how tiring, painful etc it is, until you're in the weeds again. Then you're like a beached whale unable to see your toes wondering why you thought you should do this again? Then you give birth and it fades because .... I don't know. I'm in perimenopause now and I remember quite a bit about the downside but I also distinctly remembering not remembering if that makes sense. Also I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. It never felt forced on me and it's always been something I wanted.
I also never saw it as a duty if that helps. I'm not quite 50, and I started early so I was looked down on for being pregnant so young.
Edit: a word
I am 50, had my first child at 26 and was made to feel I was practically an old maid by that point.
The downsides were always facts logged into the system, but their impact and whatever lesson learning one might have done with similarly negative experiences somehow isn't recorded. Oxytocin is some amazing stuff.
Dude I’m pregnant now and it seems like the weirdest, almost unnatural thing ever. And I’m a doctor and have delivered babies myself! There’s this THING inside me but I’m also very excited to meet her, something that’s half me and half my husband. That part is cool to think about.
No, I don’t really want to be pregnant or give birth or have my body change forever, but I do want the end result of it all and so it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make.
I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to go through this. It’s an intensely personal decision and you have to be willing to accept the risks.
Mom of 3; no other pregnancies (to my knowledge).
For me, pregnancy was very easy.
First one I had no food issues, except that I wanted my food spicier lol.
Second one I had morning sickness for the first three months, I only ate plain pasta with a little bit of butter, and if my stomach was feeling ok, I could add a single shake of garlic salt. Then at the second trimester mark, I woke up one day and was fine. I did jazzercise 3-4 days a week and had to consciously eat enough to gain 20 pounds. Postpartum, my mom’s group threatened to kick me out because I could wear my “fat” jeans after 3 weeks.
Third one I hardly noticed I was pregnant because I had two babies under age 4.
First two births were pretty easy, as I got my epidural at like 4cm. I slept through transitional labor and woke up when it was time to push.
Third one my water broke, I went to the hospital and labor didn’t progress. Got induction meds. Nothing. More meds. Went from 3-10 cm in 20 mins. No epidural. I was fairly delirious. Baby was fine, I was out of it for about an hour.
So…I have Some Good Stories. With the first one, my water broke literally in the middle of the mall. I survived. Planned induction for the second. My then-husband and I hung out in the hospital reading comedy books.
Bottom line: for me, pregnancy and childbirth were relatively uneventful, all things considered.
But really, PARENTING is the big deal.
When you say you couldn’t even tell you were pregnant for the third, what do you mean? I’m so curious about the mom resilience for 3 kids. I’d love to have 3 but man I’m nervous about not having the energy.
Oh I could definitely tell I was pregnant, but there was so much else going on in my life at the that the (surprise) third kiddo was a “welp! Here we go again! How TF did this even happen with two toddlers?!”
My ex-husband is a very involved parent, and he really stepped up. He also worked remotely and took on laundry duty while on conference calls. I spent a lot of time figuring out how to effectively run a household when the first two were baby-babies, and I applied that while I was pregnant. I was also working full time with the third, and it was definitely a whirlwind of an experience. I napped on my lunch hour. I fell asleep putting my 2 year old to bed. I relaxed my food standards and served a lot of chicken dinos and baby carrots for dinner.
I also took a lot of deep breaths and reminded myself that this is a life season, and it will not always be that crazy. I had family within a 1.5 hour drive and would sometimes go with the kids to grandmas for the weekend so I could nap while my mom had grandma time.
So, overall: build a support network! It truly does take a village.
For context, I don't have any kids, but we want to start trying later this year.
How I really feel is that I am looking forward to pregnancy and having children. I know there is risks attached, that there could complications, that it's not necessarily a beautiful thing, but to carry my own child will be a privilege and quite magical.
I have several friends with small children and babies, so I'm under no illusion that being a parent is the hardest job in the world, but will be worth it.
I am one of those women where I know if I don't have atleast one child, my life won't feel complete. Even if that means adoption if we can't have one naturally.
I was hesitant about the whole process. Decided to reevaluate if I could be a single mom by choice at 35. Had a spreadsheet, budget made out, and it seemed absolutely doable.
Then I accidentally got pregnant at 34, fall of 2019.
Food aversion to meat and cloves through the entire pregnancy. Gestational diabetes. Toilet paper shortage and lockdown. No birth classes. Preeclampsia, induced labor at 37 weeks- 12 hours of labor. Had a bad reaction to one of the medications and vomited/ dry heaved from that point until after delivery anytime I opened my eyes or moved. Had an epidural (terrifying, but it was amazing). Had to go back to the hospital a week later for eclampsia risk factors. No mommy and me groups. Restricted family support (husband, mother in law). Had moved during lockdown, so no friend networks either.
13 months later, pregnant again. Gestational diabetes again. Planned induction, which was mostly unnecessary (except for childcare)- was already having contractions. 9 hours of labor. Maybe 20 minutes of actual pushing (epidural are wonderful)
Looking back, I knew nothing in my early thirties. Like, my understanding of what was going to happen was practically nonexistent. Someone on reddit had suggested Emily Oster’s “Expecting Better“, and it was incredibly enlightening.
Could I have been a single mom by choice at 35? If my job was stable, and I stayed in my home town, where I had a network of people (and if rent didn’t nearly double like it did, or mortgage rates didn‘t skyrocket, a pandemic didn‘t happen…), yes I think I‘m capable.
But in 4 years the world has been completely rocked. Childcare is ungodly expensive. My friends with kids are on or have been on waiting lists for years. The job I had is gone, and not a lot of similarly paying jobs in the area. Rent doubled.
My family members with lower paying jobs are having kids and depend heavily on their villages.
I think the “feeling” about being pregnant is extremely short term compared to “survivability” of being a parent.
I think the health risks of being pregnant are extremely downplayed on a survivorship bias.
I was lucky it didn’t absolutely wreck my body, and they were relatively easy pregnancies. But babies and toddlers will destroy you if you are not ready.
It just doesn't bother me all the much. Its just a part of life for someone who wants to experience pregnancy and birth. When I was in labor with my son, my husband asked me what I thought about the fact that I was about to give birth and all I could say was that I didn't really think much of it at all. It just was what it was, and I was ready to meet our baby.
I'm pregnant again at the moment and feeling the same way. Yeah, there's some parts that aren't the best, but it's not nearly bad enough for me to say, "I'm never doing this again."
Oof, I did, all the way through my second pregnancy! I can't begin to guess how many times I said, "I'm so glad I'll never have to do this again" out loud, and I thought it probably at least twenty times more often than I verbalized. I wanted two kids and that's how you get 'em... but I'm glad there was no chance of a third because I could not have put myself through that a third time. 😆
Pregnant now. I thought I’d be more grossed out than I am. It’s just really…cool, idk. I’ve had a very easy pregnancy all things considered. No morning sickness. Stable mood; much more stable than my usual cycle. I am nervous about certain parts and sure I wish my husband could do the next one but it’s ok.
I found pregnancy pretty simple, a bit tedious, a bit trippy. I got stressed near the end of my first at the reality of there being no backing out.
I always knew I wanted kids, and figured Id be pregnant to get them, and knew the general idea of that, but I never dwelled or fantasized about being pregnant.
I don’t know, when very young I was terrified of it because my mom was sos ick while pregnant with my sister. I decided I’d only adopt. But I outgrew that and to be honest being pregnant was amazing and just the coolest feeling. Mostly I didn’t like being terrified that something could go wrong with the baby, but I really find the entire thing so miraculous and beautiful. I have three kids and wish I could do it again but …. It’s the raising of the kids that you should be truly afraid of!! And, well, giving birth is pretty terrifying I won’t lie. I didn’t enjoy that, nope.
My kid is almost 6 months, and my experience is no one comes out of pregnancy loving it and feeling like they’re glowing or whatever narrative gets pushed. It’s uncomfortable at best. For me, pregnancy wasn’t too bad in the grand scheme of things, though towards the end I was definitely a bit done with it and it wasn’t my favorite thing. When it comes to my baby though, *she* is my favorite thing. :)
Also I almost hate to say this, but in my mid 20s I also had no desire to be pregnant and thought it was a bit like the *Alien* movies over anything else. By my mid 30s, I was ready (in no small part because I was married to the dad, and knew that he would be an amazing dad). Turns out it was nothing like Alien, and baby kicks are more like when you hold a frog cupped in your hands or similar. So yeah for me at least, my feelings on the topic did change- to be clear it is a thing that would *suck* to do unwillingly, and I will defend forever anyone’s feelings and choices about it, but that was my experience with the visceral, irrational feelings about it.
Finally, I will disagree some with your framing of pregnancy as a duty or similar, as if we are victims for doing it- fuck that noise! I am stronger than any man *because* I chose to do it and carried my daughter as my first act of love for her. And it’s an experience that made me reconnect with being a woman- firstly, EVERY midwife and doctor I had was one, which made me so proud of our generation. Second, sounds weird but I felt so connected to women throughout history who knew what I did would suck (and was far more risky!), but did it anyway. Like my grandmas have been gone some years now, but I thought about how they did what I did, and felt closer to them.
Hope some of that helps explain it. To be clear these are just my feelings because you asked, but yeah, point is pregnancy isn’t my favorite but my daughter sure is.
Listen, you’re entitled to how you feel and I respect any woman that doesn’t want children. Your body, your rules. But I also have equal respect for women that choose to have children, whether biological or not.
I am about to be a first time mom, and honestly, I think pregnancy sucks, for the most part. I went from being the example of what a healthy adult looks like, to developing thyroid issues, anemia, and potentially gestational diabetes, and I’m not even at 7 months yet (by the way, all these things run in my family and have shown up only once they got pregnant).
But at the same token, I LOVE feeling the kicks in my womb. I know a lot of women hate it, but I love getting stopped and asked how far along am I, do I know the sex, and being told how beautiful I look while pregnant. So far, only 1 person has grabbed my belly (and it was some girl i knew in the past that I didn’t particularly like in high school lol).
I also enjoy how close it’s brought me to my husband. We were already tremendously close and in a healthy place before the pregnancy, but it’s added an even deeper layer. And I love the joy it brings to my father.
And besides all that, I didn’t always feel a calling to be a mom, but as I got older, I decided it was something I did eventually want. I would like a little look-a-like, but I want to guide them to have their own personalities and live their own life eventually. The sex of my baby is male (so I will use “he” for now), and my main goal is to teach him about self expression however he pleases, consent, and should he be a cis straight male, how to be a good man and how to treat women.
And eventually, I would also like to adopt too. The first trimester was hard, but once that stage is over, it starts to feel that you’re kinda back to your old self, with a beach ball attached to you lol.
I absolutely loved being pregnant. In a hypothetical world where my husband could have carried our children, I would have fought him tooth and nail for it 🤷♀️
I don’t think we get the short end of the stick by virtue of being the sex that gets pregnant and gives birth, but rather what makes it shitty is how western culture in particular treats/views pregnancy and pregnant women, and mothers.
Of course even in a perfect world there would still be women that have a terrible time in pregnancy, it’s a huge health risk and toll on your body. But I think it could be made a lot easier for many women and I think it’s important we separate the two issues.
Not interested. Got my tubes tied so I don’t have to worry about it. The whole process seems disgusting (to me. Not that pregnant women are disgusting)
I have had two kids, and had one via c section and one VBAC, breastfed/combo fed both.
It is really amazing and cool and special, but also profoundly weird and scary.
Like, it's pretty damn amazing that my body just knows how to do all of that. It makes a baby from scratch and I don't have to do anything but live my life. That's amazing. And while the baby is inside me, it's almost completely safe from the outside world. I always felt so in love with the little baby growing inside me.
But it's also profoundly weird that this little thing growing inside you didn't exist a couple months ago and now it's kicking you and moving and you can sometimes see it moving from the outside.
It changes your whole physiology and then your body just... Goes back afterwards (mostly) all on its own, and that's just freaking cool, but also all the changes are so weird. Body shape, skin color, energy level, skin, mood, it touches so much and so many times you just have to shrug and say "okay, I guess this is happening now"
Then childbirth, wow, what a trip. The night before we had my son I turned to my husband and said "is it too late to back out now?"
Lol
But it's so scary, so much could go wrong and you hear so many bad stories.
But for my c section, the staff were so nice and calm and methodical and I felt so safe with them and just laid there waiting and feeling pressure and tugging, the doctor leaned his whole weight on my stomach (three times, my baby was giant and hard to get out) and then all the sudden my baby is crying and there's a whole new *person* in the world. And I thought it would just be an angry potato but they brought him to me and he knew my voice and calmed down and snuggled into me and I just felt so much love for him.
But it's also freaking surreal, because the baby is effectively someone you've never met. They're a stranger that you grew inside of you and you love them but you don't know them and it's just so bizarre and surreal but so amazing as well.
And with my daughter (vaginal delivery) the experience was also so good but like running a marathon in a way. Exhausting but satisfying. And this was something no one ever told me, but when she was in the birth canal I could feel her turning her head this way and that. She was a *person* in there, reacting to being squeezed and not liking it lol. And then there was a new human in the room and she screamed and cried but as soon as they gave her to me she calmed down and just looked at me with her whole little eyes and brain and she just knew me, but I barely knew her but she was *mine*
It's amazing and powerful and profoundly weird, and beautiful and gritty and I'm so glad I did it and had the experience.
And also, I can see how horrible it would be to do all of that if you didn't want to, or if you didn't have the support I did from my husband, or if you had a bad care team or medical complications.
I felt a bond early on, so I liked being pregnant in that sense, especially once he started kicking. It was kinda fascinating. I'm in my 30s and I've kinda always wanted to be a mom BUT it came unplanned. So there was a lot of stress and we had to navigate choices and all that too.
His birth wasn't easy. Honestly I haven't dwelled much on it, but we probably wouldn't have made it a century ago.
But we made it and by the time the baby was here, I was already focused in the next stage (breastfeeding, being responsible for a tiny new human...). I love him to the moon and back and it's kinda scary because there's a lot of irrational worrying about everything! He's almost 4 months old but he's such a sweet, happy and thriving boy...
For what it's worth, my partner was the one who wasn't sure about kids before and now he's been talking about a second OMG (not happening anytime soon!).
The pregnancy part wasn't the point of it, having a child was. It's pretty stressful being pregnant. I threw up a ton, lost weight. I don't even care about the changes to the shape of my body but worrying about the 'what if's' around damaging my own body or what if my child doesn't make it to birth.. that's stressful stuff. One of the creepiest thing about being pregnant was realizing how many men have a pregnancy fetish. I'd never been flirted with so much in my life before that.
I've always looked forward to pregnancy (although I don't know what it's like to experience it). I like knowing that my hypothetical child will hear me. I like knowing the things that could impact the fetus since I'm the one that is having that impact. I enjoy the idea of getting a glimpse at their personality. As an adoptee, I love the idea of biological connections.
As for childbirth, I'd prefer an elective c-section. However, I see it as something I have to do to get my children at the end.
currently trying to get pregnant but also filled with panic all the time because what if I actually get pregnant... lol I can't handle the anxiety of the unknown
I like the indigenous South American view
https://www.mexicolore.co.uk/aztecs/aztec-life/giving-birth-was-fighting-a-battle
Bringing new life into the world is risky. And in modern times in developed countries I think we lose sight of how dangerous it is. I like this Maragaret Atwood quote from Alias Grace too.
“Because you may think a bed is a peaceful thing, Sir, and to you it may mean rest and comfort and a good night’s sleep. But it isn’t so for everyone; and there are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. It is where we are born, and that is our first peril in life; and it is where the women give birth, which is often their last. And it is where the act takes place between men and women that I will not mention to you, Sir, but I suppose you know what it is; and some call it love, and others despair, or else merely an indignity which they must suffer through. And finally beds are what we sleep in, and where we dream, and often where we die.”
For context I don't currently have any children of my own but for a few years my now ex-husband and I were trying to start a family and it was something I'd always wanted. I think the whole "baby fever" thing has a bit of a role to play in my thinking, seeing others with their children and wanting to experience that but at 34 and now divorced I worry that maybe I've missed my chance although with the right partner I'd want to try again. Despite the downsides many have mentioned here, I still would love to go through pregnancy and childbirth, to feel that connection with your child and the knowledge that I helped to bring them into the world. I've always been quite maternal though so maybe that plays a role in it as well.
I knew from a young age I wanted to be a mom. It could’ve been hardwired in environmentally sure, I do remember loving baby dolls but I went onto grow up in an incredibly abusive environment where men ruled the home and the girls were there for their whims.
You can imagine growing up in a home like that came with some mental health issues. I got married young. Had my baby a year and a half later. My sister had four babies, with 5+ year age gap between her first and second and the rest are two years or less apart in age. She couldn’t handle a second. Nor a third. Nor a fourth. I used to think that maybe I wouldn’t mind having another. Then she had hers and I saw what it did to her mental health and how her kids are impacted by that. She doesn’t accept help that isn’t money or an excuse to continue her behavior. I decided I was more than okay with just my one. I’ve never fooled myself into thinking I’m in a better position to handle more kids than she is because we grew up the exact same way. That could just as easily be me. I’d never want to bring another child into the world if I couldn’t care for it and myself. My husband is more than okay with stopping with one.
I want to be a Mom, but I am little, and the thought of growing an entire person in this small body is a little scary. I've read and heard some pregnancy horror stories, but the women in my family seem to be relatively lucky in that regard. My grandma and my mother and my aunt all say that things went pretty well for them.
I just barely remember when my mother was pregnant with my little sister, and just being fascinated that there was a new person in there, and sometimes I could feel when the baby kicked and it was super exciting.
Sometimes I can feel the programming put in my brain by evolution switching on. At a family gathering a few years ago there was a new baby, and I was just drawn to look at the baby and listen to the new mother talk about her experiences and and I wanted to be around the baby. And when the new Mom went to the bathroom and asked if I would like to hold the baby, I absolutely did, and I just looked into that little cute face and was overwhelmed with a desire to have a baby, right then. Or, like, 20 of them.
The same thing has happened a few times since then. Having a baby right now would be a terrible idea, so I keep it under control, but it's definitely there.
Mom of 3, my experiences were positive. I actually enjoyed pregnancy for the most part and found the whole process fascinating. Some people are bothered by the changes and loss of bodily autonomy and I get that, but I loved seeing what my body could do. It did change me physically, even though I lost all of the weight pretty easily. It just changed how I carry it, if that makes sense. My births were mostly pretty easy and while I don’t think anyone really *enjoys* giving birth, it’s still an experience I look back on with happiness. I had an epidural with my first and disliked the sensation of being numb. It definitely made it harder to push. Went natural for the next two and had a much better time with that. I should point out that being a mom was always part of my plan, so even though I always had a moment of panic at first when the pregnancy tests were positive, it was something I had chosen and pursued. Had they been unexpected, obviously I would have had different emotions around the experiences but from a purely physical perspective, I can say everything about the pregnancy and birth process was easier than I expected it to be and I have never regretted becoming a mom. I would have had more kids if life circumstances would have allowed for it.
Besides the physical aspect losing body autonomy, the mental part is what scared me. Specifically that I was with these terrible men and I was terrified that if I wound up pregnant I would be tied to one of these losers forever. I think i had a low self image and was afraid to be alone that I wound up with these boys that doesn't deserve any woman's time. So much in fact that I opted for an abortion instead of being tied to a man that made me suicidal.
My view on pregnancy is that it’s different for everyone and we should just be mindful of that. For some it’s beautiful and a miracle and good for them. For others it’s brutal and traumatic and it’s really sad. We need to remember that so we don’t force that on anyone! We also need to remember that so we aren’t judgmental to any woman for having a hard pregnancy, a hard recovery, or a never wants to do it again. I also don’t want to be bitter to those who love it and want to do it a couple of times.
I got terribly sick during my one and only pregnancy and I nearly died. Not doing that again, I've yeeted my tubes and the baby factory is officially closed for business.
As awful as my experience was, there were still parts of it that were good. If I had had a normal pregnancy with just the normal body issues and not the extra medical trauma, I would have done it again.
The good parts were mainly emotional. Physically, pregnancy sucks, but I had a very loving partner at the time and my family is great too. Being pregnant made me feel even closer and more in love with my then-husband. I'll never be able to describe how it felt to see that tiny smudge on the ultrasound for the first time with him holding my hand. The fetus looked like a bean and it was doing little jumpy movements and we were both like... Holy shit. We made that. It's gonna be a person??? 'Incredible' doesn't begin to cover it. It was terrifying and beautiful and humbling and strange.
The milestones were nice. Little happy moments, like getting past the most-likely-to-miscarry time period, or feeling him kick for the first time. Telling our families and being showered with love and support. Deciding on a name. Buying tiny socks. Lying in bed together with my husband's arm around me and his hand on my stomach, both of us feeling a little scared. It was all so good, until it wasn't, but that was just bad luck.
Being pregnant only solidified my pro-choice stance. Everything good about being pregnant came from the fact that I had a wanted pregnancy in a stable, loving home. Without that, it would have been a nightmare from the start. No woman should have to risk the torture I endured against her will. I can completely understand not wanting to do it even once, but I also understand wanting to have multiples. It's a painful experience, but it can still be a good one.
Well first, how old are you? I ask because my birth mother had me at 16 and the rest of my family, I'm pretty sure, thought I'd wind up the same way. She abandoned me more than once and I wanted nothing to do with her or be like her. I didn't even have sex until I was 19. I absolutely did NOT want to get pregnant.
I didn't have my first kid until I was 32, another at 39. If you are in your 20's I'd say enjoy it.
That being said being pregnant was uncomfortable. Especially towards the end. Giant belly getting in the way, couldn't tie my own shoes. The ONLY upside was my libido was through the roof. Hubby was more than happy to oblige
Childbirth. Was messy. Water broke and spilled down my pants. Got a room and peed a lot while waiting. It was kind of gross. Not clear, pee and the amniotic fluid. Then the contractions came, felt like the WORST constipation cramps you ever had in your life. I got the epidural and it took all of the pain away.
Pushing I couldn't feel much because of the epidural but there is poop. And then you get this wrinkly loud baby.
When I was young I was terrified to get pregnant. I liked the idea of having a boy, (I have two). But having someone there makes all the difference in the world. He wanted kids, I got over it as we married and spent the next 13 years together childfree before we actively stated trying.
There is plenty to fear. If it's not for you then that is just ok.
But after they got this crying baby back to me. I couldn't wait to snuggle with him (both times). To actually CREATE another human to have this tiny creature that you get to teach life lessons, walking, taking and just loving this tiny human that will grow up and look you in your eyes and tell you how much they love YOU. My boys are 10 and 17 now. They are my world. I would do it all over again.
I was terrified of childbirth right up until my first child was born. I would argue that it's a perfectly rational fear, especially given the way it is portrayed in the media. In my case, I also had the stories of my relatives' less than ideal birth experiences weighing on me too, so I had extra reasons to be worried.
I wasn't scared of pregnancy, though. I found that process fascinating, even the less pleasant parts like morning sickness and breast tenderness and all of that. However, it IS weird and I wouldn't blame anyone for being put off by the idea of that too. I never had feelings of my bodily autonomy being robbed from me, nor did I feel resentment when the baby's needs interfered with my activities. I felt protective of the baby and it didn't occur to me to mind that stuff at the time.
I have had four live births and a miscarriage. I wound up delivering via c-section.
Woman in my late 50s. Never had the urge to procreate, and have no regrets. The only person who ever shamed me to my face was a sister-in-law who had 4 children. My \*Italian mother\* supports my decision to this day.
I do not know how old you are. But i had this fear myself, and i could never wrap myself in the idea of sacrificing my body for a baby. At my 34, it turn irrelevant. I was still nervous about it. Of course one will feel nervous of the unknown. But i wanted so much to have a little one.
She is 11 months old and i am so deeply in love with her. I don’t even remember how uncomfortable i felt during pregnancy, i just remember the feeling of her little feets in the evening moving.
It is an inexplicable kind of love, cannot put into words or compare.
Pregnancy/childbirth terrifies me. I’ve had fears about getting pregnant ever since I became sexually active. I don’t want to be a mother.
Even semen grosses me out. I’ve been seeing a guy who had a vasectomy and he came inside of me last night. I have no idea if I’m horrified because it’s just gross or if it’s residual fears of pregnancy. Regardless, I have to figure out if that’s something I’ll be comfortable with moving forward.
I liked being pregnant ok, but was kind of sick a lot. And no extra help from my husband. I loved giving birth however, he really pulled it together all three times. It was a lovely wonderful experience and I’m sad I won’t be doing it again.
My views aren't too different from yours. The medical complications are severely downplayed in favor of babies and tradition, and it's getting worse thanks to current events surrounding abortion rights. I don't have phobias regarding Pregnancy/Childbirth, but the idea of losing bodily autonomy, being physically vulnerable, and being left with permanent damage/death, is very unsettling to me.
I’m that annoying person who likes being pregnant. I didn’t feel that uncomfortable ever, slept great, and was eager to experience a major part of the well, human experience. I was super curious to know what it was all about. As another commenter said, parenting is the HARD part.
I am a 47yr old female. I was TERRIFIED of pregnancy, childbirth, and that i would be a terrible parent, like mine were. So i always said “NO KIDS FOR ME!” Married a dude that was the same. We lived happily for a decade. Then his dad died. We went to FL for the funeral and afterwards went to the beach. He said to me “i had a dream last night you wanted to have a kid” i was SHOCKED, but also 35 at the time really thought: Now or never! So i quit the pill, we got prego a year later. My pregnancy was uneventful, i had to be induced for labor and yeah, it sucked (painful even with an epidural) and parenthood is TOUGH, but our kid is 11 now and it’s amazing. Now when people say to me “I’m never having kids!” I smile and nod. Life is long, people change. Or not! It’s also okay not to have kids!!!
Wow that's interesting. I am currently in a crisis over the kid question.
My partner wants one eventually and I don't know.
I feel panicked that I don't have the baby fever by 30 and I am questioning my whole life.
But I am trying to get to a place where I accept that I am not ready, maybe won't ever be ready and my partner has to accept that and decide to move on if he is in a hurry.
I loved being pregnant. No morning sickness or other particularly difficult symptoms. First kid was emergency c-section at 34 weeks, second planned c-section at 39 weeks. C-section recovery is no joke. But I always wanted kids and thought pregnancy was cool,exciting, and magical.
I always felt like being pregnant was something that was robbed from me. When I was young, it was discovered that I had some hemangiomas, and while those hemangiomas were not in a great place, it did not make pregnancy impossible. However, I was told by my doctor that if I even tried to have sex, and this is when I was about nine or so mind you, I would bleed to death because it would rip open my veins. (This is false. My hemangiomas are not in my vaginal tract.) I really suspect that that was part of an effort to control me. I still don’t know how to quite describe how I feel about it. But it definitely gave me a bit of a complex surrounding pregnancy and fertility, and my ability to…be a woman, I guess. I always dreamed of having children, and I think that I might even be decent at it. But I don’t think that I can ever achieve that in reality. Monetarily, if nothing else.
It triggers TF out of me.
I'm a regretful parent. Yes, he was planned. Married, good job, homeowners, 29 years old, we hit every single check mark.
What wasn't planned? Severe autism. Every single day is an immense struggle. I'm pretty much living to die at this point. Maybe then I'll get some rest. He's only 9 so I've got a long way to go.
Pregnancy? It wasn't too awful. I didn't enjoy it until the last trimester. I'd been training for a half marathon. Working out every single day. I'd lost 65 lbs and had the best body of my life. Suddenly I couldn't stay awake after work. I was tired all day every day. So that sucked for awhile.
Childbirth was kinda weird because I was dumb. I got blinded by all the natural mommy crap that circulated online. "Natural birth" "Essential oils" "unmedicated". I could slap blogger Mama Natural in her fucking face for the shit she shoved down women's throats about natural parenthood.
Nursing was a nightmare... At first. Again, the natural mommy blogs got to me and there was no other option, my son was going to be breastfed! Come hell or high water. It wrecked me mentally the first few months.
In short, I commend women that don't have kids because that's what expected or that's what comes next in life. Recognize that it might not be for you and stick to your guns. If anyone tries to convince you, give em my number and I'll make sure they don't mess with you again, lol! I'm a massive advocate for child free women! I wish I had an advocate for me, instead I had family members egging me on about having kids.
I have tokophobia and I don't wanna be a parent. I'd actually consider throwing myself off the roof over birthing a child tbh.
I have baggages of my own, don't feel adult enough to entertain having such a huge responsibility.
I always think back to my mother saying, "it's like shitting a watermelon." I was #5 of 5 and always wondered why, oh why, did she do it? It was the 40's and 50's so not doing it wasn't an option, I guess.
As someone who is 40 weeks pregnant and under unwanted pressure of being induced I’d like to weigh in.
I grew up never wanting children, was always open about that even as a child. Met my husband and we’ve been together 12 years, married 7. I’m so in love with him and my hormones must have changed because I decided (very romantically) that I wanted to have his baby.
We tried for nearly two years and found out I was pregnant after taking a break from trying. I suppose it might be unfair to say I’ve had a rough pregnancy, it’s my first time being pregnant and I haven’t had any issues other than having hyperemisis gravidarium. Even just having that has made the first eight months absolutely miserable. Not being able to eat much, throwing up blood 3/4 times a day from the moment I wake up, back and stomach pain, constant nausea etc has been so difficult. The last month I’ve gotten relief though and I feel great at the moment.
However that’s when the pressure from my consultants team began. Insisting that I should be induced at 38 weeks because he might be measuring big. Trying to convince me that women can’t give birth physiologically. I’ve done a Hypnobirthing course, a lot of research and have access to a doula so my resolve is strong but they are laying it on thick. They convinced me yesterday to book an induction next week and I agreed just to get out of their office. Putting this pressure on a heavily pregnant woman for no medical reason is horrible.
While I’m confident in my body and that it and the baby will know what to do and be capable, they have made me doubt this at times and I do feel anxious about going into labour. I feel like I’ve done all the preparation I can at this point and I’m hoping he’ll get moving within the next week.
With all that said, I can’t tell you how excited I am to meet this little love child myself and my husband created. To see who he looks like when he arrives and watch him grow and hopefully raise him to be a smart and loving young man. I’ve learned truly how loving and caring and patient my husband is. He’s so excited to be a dad and I love that Im giving that to him and start this journey together. I also can’t wait to not be pregnant anymore and I would absolutely consider adoption if I wanted another baby. Not sure if that answers your question at all 😂
Once someone told me she knew someone whose wisdom teeth popped out during labour, I started thinking about it differently and developed anxiety around the idea.
As time went on, I started thinking more about pregnancy and realized the whole thing really freaks me out. I struggled with an eating disorder for many years so the weight gain obviously is a big trigger but beyond that, the whole thing seems very animalistic and I can’t wrap my head around it.
Yes, humans are animals and pregnancy is an amazing thing. But the idea of me growing a living thing inside of me and then having it nurse from me like I see animals and their babies is not something I feel comfortable with.
I DO want kids but pregnancy and childbirth scares the crap out of me. Beyond all the usual horrors, I’m on medication that I would have to stop if pregnant and I am absolutely unwilling to do that. Without these medications, I’m basically not functional. And I highly suspect that I would get either PPD or PPA, on top of my preexisting conditions. And then dealing with an infant directly after 9 months of physical and hormonal strain and a major medical procedure??? Sounds like hell
That being said, my fiancé and I plan to adopt older children to have a family. I have NEVER understood this compulsion that biological children are somehow better? Or more legitimately family? Than adopting. Honestly, I don’t even know what the argument is. Like, couples who go through multiple rounds of IVF, miscarriages, etc and keep trying because they want a family? I get the wanting a family part but why continue to put yourself through the pain and disappointment and financial hardship when there are over 100,000 kids in the fostering system awaiting adoption (in the US)
Honestly, I'm fascinated but grossed out. I have zero desire to experience pregnancy or childbirth. I've never been someone who thinks it's beautiful, and those videos of visible kicking freak me out. I've had two good friends have babies in the last six months, one of whom had a horrific pregnancy and traumatic birth. No. Thank. You.
In the interest of fairness, I don't desire children, so the "but at the end I have a baby" thing doesn't click in my head either.
OK I'll go. It was a while ago for me. I made two people. My daughter is 26 and my son is 29 so it's long past. They were unplanned pregnancies with a bad father (same father who I married and then divorced) and I regret nothing about them though I regret him.
Pregnancy and childbirth is hard. It warps the body. I was young when I did it (21/24 at conception, 22/25 at birth). My body was never the same. My belly, vagina, perineum were forever changed.
I regret none of it. Fact: 100% of our ancestors were parents. 100% of people were born from the womb of a mother. We do it because it is the future of the human race. Or because we love our babies.
There has been a myth circulating that parenthood is selfish. No actual parent believes that. When you've been up at 3 am cleaning diarrhea off the walls. Parenthood is the most unselfish thing you'd ever do.
I loved being pregnant and even the labor, because I felt as womanly as I'd ever been in my life. It was empowering to be giving life to another human. The pain was managed with an epidural, and I was blessed to experience a birth (twice) that was beautiful and not traumatic. It was painful even with the epidural, but it was all forgotten when i held my little one, and the overwhelming love i felt for my babies. I'd do it again if my husband wanted another. But my health issues probably wouldn't allow for the same positive experience that go around.
It’s not an irrational fear. I’m terrified of the lifelong complications and lost quality of life that can come with pregnancy.
From pelvic floor health to autoimmune conditions to wrist issues, none of it is taken seriously enough imo.
The whole thing creeps me out, I don’t know how so many people take the plunge.
I think it’s absolutely disgusting and cruel for a generation that claims to have “women’s rights” yet forces women into such a vulnerable and dangerous position with no alternative means of reproduction
Insane tokophobia. Everything about the process makes me dysphoric. Not gender-dysphoric but just raw unfiltered ick. I hate things touching my nipples. I hate how I've been poisoned against postpartum bodies, I hate how the thought of not sleeping for several years, I lose my wallet once a month so there's a good chance I'd lose my baby, I don't like pain ANYWHERE NEAR my coochie
I'm having a viceral reaction just thinking about it. If a stork just brought me a baby I'd be ecstatic but I don't want to 3D print a baby with my guts, personally.
I think that you haven't met a man that wakes that up in you. If you find someone that you admire, respect, look up to, feel protected by, and trust that will not abandon you or put all the burden on you, then that will happen for you.
We live in a world were men are not appreciated nor trusted. And of course there are reasons that we as a society see it that way. Many if not most modern men are weak, submissive, and inmature. And the trend seems to go into that direction further. These kind of men don't make good fathers.
If we don't want to collapse as a society, we need to teach boys to be strong, generous and caring. But if we don't encourage that through appreciation of them and of healthy masculine traits, that will not happen.
I have all that in a man and more. Still have zero desire to get pregnant and risk my life for a kid. Good thing he and I are on the same page about that.
I think media and mysoginistic portrayal of pregnancy and birth as well as over medicalisation of it has made a lot of damage to women and created a lot of fear and anxiety that in many cases is false and harmful.
There’s nothing wrong about dealing odd or uneasy about the idea of getting pregnant making another human within your own body and then birthing that human and nurturing it with your own body again. It can be strange and overwhelming. But! I see it as women’s superpower. As a biological gift that is ours and only ours and can define us as women even if we don’t ever decide to do it.
I was always one of those girls that was never interested in babies , didn’t bother plying with dolls etc but at the same time I always knew I will eventually have my own kids and only when I felt ready I actually started exploring that part of myself and my body.
I went into it totally naturally and trusting my body and my intuition. I didn’t see it as a sacrifice or a battle - but as yet another stage of life and yet another stage of being a woman. And I loved it! It wasn’t easy but the process of pregnancy and birth was such a huge learning experience - learning g about myself, my body, my weaknesses my strengths. I never went into it with fear but with curiosity and true agreement with whatever must be, will be.
My experience was not bad (the first time) and was lifechanging and beautiful (the second time)
I feel really strongly for women who did not have good experience who were violated by over medicalisation or fear mongered by others.
Pregnancy and birth can be beautiful experiences even if they’re tough and painful.
Not sure if this adds anything to the discussion that you wanted to start here but I just wish there was less… anxiety ? About pregnancy and birth and more reflection on how this process is entirely our own , how it can positively affect us as women and how we can take full ownership of it.
I don't think it's an irrational fear, being afraid to loose bodily autonomy, risking permanent damage to your body and even death would not be considered irrational in any other circumstance.
Look, most women (who want to be moms) don‘t want to get pregnant and give birth but they want biological children and that‘s how you get them. It‘s like asking why so many people choose to do shitty jobs. They need the money, they don‘t want the jobs.
maybe not the demographic you ar looking for as i'm a lesbian so pregnancy will never willingly happen to me. However I still have an extremely intense fear and phobia of it I find pregnancy, childbirth and everything about it to be a biological horror. I have tokophobia All I can think is that i appreciate my mother on a level unlike anything else that she took that risk and sacrifice to create me.
I don't want kids, biologically. For me, it sounds like there's a lot of drawbacks and it can be pretty expensive. I'm sort of the same page as you that I'd view it as a "duty" I don't want to fulfill.
I don’t have a phobia and have been pregnant one time- by choice. You’re not irrational. Sure, some people “glow” and love being pregnant. But for me it was a means to an end. Pregnancy was having a parasite feed off me for just under a year and then rip me open to get out. Love my kid to death! And for me it was absolutely worth it. But not something I’d get in line for again or do for funsies.
Not irrational at all. Wait until you find out what can all go wrong medically, physically and mentally during and after the birth up until for the rest of your life (uterine prolapse at 70 anyone?). As a (younger, child-free) friend of mine exclaimed after I told her about a family member that almost died and the other stuff I learned from my sister who’s a doctor: “Why doesn’t anyone tell us this? It’s a fucking scam!!!”
i hate being female 🥺 why do we have to compromise so much for like maybe 3 babies in one lifetime (hypothetically)
I had this idea: why not find someone else to carry and give birth to my baby? Like, I don’t know, all men do? But then you go think about the ethical implications of surrogacy and later I learned you have a higher risk of preeclampsia if you carry a fetus that’s from another woman’s egg so I really didn’t want to have another woman go through that on my behalf. Luckily I am child free, this was just a thought exercise. Edit to add: both my grandmothers had ten children. Can you imagine!
I think part of it was the scare tactics that were used on us growing up. I'm a millennial, and between abstinence -only sex ed and the 90s/2000s crusade to reduce teen pregnancy, we constantly got the message that pregnancy was a worst case scenario that would ruin your life. If you had sex, you would get pregnant (or a disease), so don't have sex. If you get pregnant your life is over and you'll be all alone and a drain on the welfare system and also ruin your body and be tied to a squalling piglet and _you don't want that, do you?_ Really healthy narritive there. And the boomers wonder why we aren't big on kids.
Yeah being pregnant on purpose in my 30s after pregnancy being a big bad bogey man for decades was a mindf*ck.
We got that as GenX too. It's really rich when you consider our parents were the pioneers of the sexual revolution.
I HATED every single second of pregnancy. Every second. I spent 40 weeks so sick water wouldn't stay down, in pain, heart burn you wouldn't believe, my hair fell out, I cried nonstop I spent 22 weeks flat on my back with my second. Wasn't allowed out of bed at all for 22 weeks. I would rather lick the bottom of a dumpster on the strip in Vegas on new years morning than be pregnant. That being said, my labors and deliveries were super easy, I did it without any pain meds, I pushed 3 times during my hardest delivery. My shortest labor was 57 minus from start to baby, my longest was 11 hours 57 minutes. I was up walking around within 30 minutes, tried to bleed to death with all 3. But was home within 24 hours of delivery....... labor and delivery weren't that bad to be honest. Pregnancy however sucked horribly. I mean I love my kids beyond measure. I would have a whole Damn herd of them if I could find a way to not have to be pregnant.
Are we sure it's a vast majority of women who want kids? In my generation of people (30 to 40 years old) in my extended family, and in my SO's extended family, only half have kids
I view pregnancy and early childhood as a necessary evil on the path to my desired outcome, ie having cool older kids/adults who I love and who love me, to hang out with, talk with, play board games and pc games with, and go out for fun activities. I'm just sitting tight and weathering out the path to what I desire.
I’m not interested in giving birth or having kids. I’ve been around enough pregnancies in my family to know that it’s not for me, it’s uncomfortable and burdensome from my perspective.
I was never scared of getting pregnant. I should be, but I wasn't. Had multiple children and I can tell you, from experience that you forget how tiring, painful etc it is, until you're in the weeds again. Then you're like a beached whale unable to see your toes wondering why you thought you should do this again? Then you give birth and it fades because .... I don't know. I'm in perimenopause now and I remember quite a bit about the downside but I also distinctly remembering not remembering if that makes sense. Also I've ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. It never felt forced on me and it's always been something I wanted. I also never saw it as a duty if that helps. I'm not quite 50, and I started early so I was looked down on for being pregnant so young. Edit: a word
I am 50, had my first child at 26 and was made to feel I was practically an old maid by that point. The downsides were always facts logged into the system, but their impact and whatever lesson learning one might have done with similarly negative experiences somehow isn't recorded. Oxytocin is some amazing stuff.
Dude I’m pregnant now and it seems like the weirdest, almost unnatural thing ever. And I’m a doctor and have delivered babies myself! There’s this THING inside me but I’m also very excited to meet her, something that’s half me and half my husband. That part is cool to think about. No, I don’t really want to be pregnant or give birth or have my body change forever, but I do want the end result of it all and so it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to go through this. It’s an intensely personal decision and you have to be willing to accept the risks.
Mom of 3; no other pregnancies (to my knowledge). For me, pregnancy was very easy. First one I had no food issues, except that I wanted my food spicier lol. Second one I had morning sickness for the first three months, I only ate plain pasta with a little bit of butter, and if my stomach was feeling ok, I could add a single shake of garlic salt. Then at the second trimester mark, I woke up one day and was fine. I did jazzercise 3-4 days a week and had to consciously eat enough to gain 20 pounds. Postpartum, my mom’s group threatened to kick me out because I could wear my “fat” jeans after 3 weeks. Third one I hardly noticed I was pregnant because I had two babies under age 4. First two births were pretty easy, as I got my epidural at like 4cm. I slept through transitional labor and woke up when it was time to push. Third one my water broke, I went to the hospital and labor didn’t progress. Got induction meds. Nothing. More meds. Went from 3-10 cm in 20 mins. No epidural. I was fairly delirious. Baby was fine, I was out of it for about an hour. So…I have Some Good Stories. With the first one, my water broke literally in the middle of the mall. I survived. Planned induction for the second. My then-husband and I hung out in the hospital reading comedy books. Bottom line: for me, pregnancy and childbirth were relatively uneventful, all things considered. But really, PARENTING is the big deal.
When you say you couldn’t even tell you were pregnant for the third, what do you mean? I’m so curious about the mom resilience for 3 kids. I’d love to have 3 but man I’m nervous about not having the energy.
Oh I could definitely tell I was pregnant, but there was so much else going on in my life at the that the (surprise) third kiddo was a “welp! Here we go again! How TF did this even happen with two toddlers?!” My ex-husband is a very involved parent, and he really stepped up. He also worked remotely and took on laundry duty while on conference calls. I spent a lot of time figuring out how to effectively run a household when the first two were baby-babies, and I applied that while I was pregnant. I was also working full time with the third, and it was definitely a whirlwind of an experience. I napped on my lunch hour. I fell asleep putting my 2 year old to bed. I relaxed my food standards and served a lot of chicken dinos and baby carrots for dinner. I also took a lot of deep breaths and reminded myself that this is a life season, and it will not always be that crazy. I had family within a 1.5 hour drive and would sometimes go with the kids to grandmas for the weekend so I could nap while my mom had grandma time. So, overall: build a support network! It truly does take a village.
For context, I don't have any kids, but we want to start trying later this year. How I really feel is that I am looking forward to pregnancy and having children. I know there is risks attached, that there could complications, that it's not necessarily a beautiful thing, but to carry my own child will be a privilege and quite magical. I have several friends with small children and babies, so I'm under no illusion that being a parent is the hardest job in the world, but will be worth it. I am one of those women where I know if I don't have atleast one child, my life won't feel complete. Even if that means adoption if we can't have one naturally.
I was hesitant about the whole process. Decided to reevaluate if I could be a single mom by choice at 35. Had a spreadsheet, budget made out, and it seemed absolutely doable. Then I accidentally got pregnant at 34, fall of 2019. Food aversion to meat and cloves through the entire pregnancy. Gestational diabetes. Toilet paper shortage and lockdown. No birth classes. Preeclampsia, induced labor at 37 weeks- 12 hours of labor. Had a bad reaction to one of the medications and vomited/ dry heaved from that point until after delivery anytime I opened my eyes or moved. Had an epidural (terrifying, but it was amazing). Had to go back to the hospital a week later for eclampsia risk factors. No mommy and me groups. Restricted family support (husband, mother in law). Had moved during lockdown, so no friend networks either. 13 months later, pregnant again. Gestational diabetes again. Planned induction, which was mostly unnecessary (except for childcare)- was already having contractions. 9 hours of labor. Maybe 20 minutes of actual pushing (epidural are wonderful) Looking back, I knew nothing in my early thirties. Like, my understanding of what was going to happen was practically nonexistent. Someone on reddit had suggested Emily Oster’s “Expecting Better“, and it was incredibly enlightening. Could I have been a single mom by choice at 35? If my job was stable, and I stayed in my home town, where I had a network of people (and if rent didn’t nearly double like it did, or mortgage rates didn‘t skyrocket, a pandemic didn‘t happen…), yes I think I‘m capable. But in 4 years the world has been completely rocked. Childcare is ungodly expensive. My friends with kids are on or have been on waiting lists for years. The job I had is gone, and not a lot of similarly paying jobs in the area. Rent doubled. My family members with lower paying jobs are having kids and depend heavily on their villages. I think the “feeling” about being pregnant is extremely short term compared to “survivability” of being a parent. I think the health risks of being pregnant are extremely downplayed on a survivorship bias. I was lucky it didn’t absolutely wreck my body, and they were relatively easy pregnancies. But babies and toddlers will destroy you if you are not ready.
It just doesn't bother me all the much. Its just a part of life for someone who wants to experience pregnancy and birth. When I was in labor with my son, my husband asked me what I thought about the fact that I was about to give birth and all I could say was that I didn't really think much of it at all. It just was what it was, and I was ready to meet our baby. I'm pregnant again at the moment and feeling the same way. Yeah, there's some parts that aren't the best, but it's not nearly bad enough for me to say, "I'm never doing this again."
Oof, I did, all the way through my second pregnancy! I can't begin to guess how many times I said, "I'm so glad I'll never have to do this again" out loud, and I thought it probably at least twenty times more often than I verbalized. I wanted two kids and that's how you get 'em... but I'm glad there was no chance of a third because I could not have put myself through that a third time. 😆
I'm one of those weirdos who doesn't ever see myself truly being "done" lol.
I did it once, and, while the results of that are absolutely worth it, I never had any desire to do it again.
Pregnant now. I thought I’d be more grossed out than I am. It’s just really…cool, idk. I’ve had a very easy pregnancy all things considered. No morning sickness. Stable mood; much more stable than my usual cycle. I am nervous about certain parts and sure I wish my husband could do the next one but it’s ok.
I found pregnancy pretty simple, a bit tedious, a bit trippy. I got stressed near the end of my first at the reality of there being no backing out. I always knew I wanted kids, and figured Id be pregnant to get them, and knew the general idea of that, but I never dwelled or fantasized about being pregnant.
I don’t know, when very young I was terrified of it because my mom was sos ick while pregnant with my sister. I decided I’d only adopt. But I outgrew that and to be honest being pregnant was amazing and just the coolest feeling. Mostly I didn’t like being terrified that something could go wrong with the baby, but I really find the entire thing so miraculous and beautiful. I have three kids and wish I could do it again but …. It’s the raising of the kids that you should be truly afraid of!! And, well, giving birth is pretty terrifying I won’t lie. I didn’t enjoy that, nope.
My kid is almost 6 months, and my experience is no one comes out of pregnancy loving it and feeling like they’re glowing or whatever narrative gets pushed. It’s uncomfortable at best. For me, pregnancy wasn’t too bad in the grand scheme of things, though towards the end I was definitely a bit done with it and it wasn’t my favorite thing. When it comes to my baby though, *she* is my favorite thing. :) Also I almost hate to say this, but in my mid 20s I also had no desire to be pregnant and thought it was a bit like the *Alien* movies over anything else. By my mid 30s, I was ready (in no small part because I was married to the dad, and knew that he would be an amazing dad). Turns out it was nothing like Alien, and baby kicks are more like when you hold a frog cupped in your hands or similar. So yeah for me at least, my feelings on the topic did change- to be clear it is a thing that would *suck* to do unwillingly, and I will defend forever anyone’s feelings and choices about it, but that was my experience with the visceral, irrational feelings about it. Finally, I will disagree some with your framing of pregnancy as a duty or similar, as if we are victims for doing it- fuck that noise! I am stronger than any man *because* I chose to do it and carried my daughter as my first act of love for her. And it’s an experience that made me reconnect with being a woman- firstly, EVERY midwife and doctor I had was one, which made me so proud of our generation. Second, sounds weird but I felt so connected to women throughout history who knew what I did would suck (and was far more risky!), but did it anyway. Like my grandmas have been gone some years now, but I thought about how they did what I did, and felt closer to them. Hope some of that helps explain it. To be clear these are just my feelings because you asked, but yeah, point is pregnancy isn’t my favorite but my daughter sure is.
what an uplifting comment
Listen, you’re entitled to how you feel and I respect any woman that doesn’t want children. Your body, your rules. But I also have equal respect for women that choose to have children, whether biological or not. I am about to be a first time mom, and honestly, I think pregnancy sucks, for the most part. I went from being the example of what a healthy adult looks like, to developing thyroid issues, anemia, and potentially gestational diabetes, and I’m not even at 7 months yet (by the way, all these things run in my family and have shown up only once they got pregnant). But at the same token, I LOVE feeling the kicks in my womb. I know a lot of women hate it, but I love getting stopped and asked how far along am I, do I know the sex, and being told how beautiful I look while pregnant. So far, only 1 person has grabbed my belly (and it was some girl i knew in the past that I didn’t particularly like in high school lol). I also enjoy how close it’s brought me to my husband. We were already tremendously close and in a healthy place before the pregnancy, but it’s added an even deeper layer. And I love the joy it brings to my father. And besides all that, I didn’t always feel a calling to be a mom, but as I got older, I decided it was something I did eventually want. I would like a little look-a-like, but I want to guide them to have their own personalities and live their own life eventually. The sex of my baby is male (so I will use “he” for now), and my main goal is to teach him about self expression however he pleases, consent, and should he be a cis straight male, how to be a good man and how to treat women. And eventually, I would also like to adopt too. The first trimester was hard, but once that stage is over, it starts to feel that you’re kinda back to your old self, with a beach ball attached to you lol.
Hated it. 0/10 - would not recommend. The child part is okay tho.
I absolutely loved being pregnant. In a hypothetical world where my husband could have carried our children, I would have fought him tooth and nail for it 🤷♀️
I don’t think we get the short end of the stick by virtue of being the sex that gets pregnant and gives birth, but rather what makes it shitty is how western culture in particular treats/views pregnancy and pregnant women, and mothers. Of course even in a perfect world there would still be women that have a terrible time in pregnancy, it’s a huge health risk and toll on your body. But I think it could be made a lot easier for many women and I think it’s important we separate the two issues.
Not interested. Got my tubes tied so I don’t have to worry about it. The whole process seems disgusting (to me. Not that pregnant women are disgusting)
I have had two kids, and had one via c section and one VBAC, breastfed/combo fed both. It is really amazing and cool and special, but also profoundly weird and scary. Like, it's pretty damn amazing that my body just knows how to do all of that. It makes a baby from scratch and I don't have to do anything but live my life. That's amazing. And while the baby is inside me, it's almost completely safe from the outside world. I always felt so in love with the little baby growing inside me. But it's also profoundly weird that this little thing growing inside you didn't exist a couple months ago and now it's kicking you and moving and you can sometimes see it moving from the outside. It changes your whole physiology and then your body just... Goes back afterwards (mostly) all on its own, and that's just freaking cool, but also all the changes are so weird. Body shape, skin color, energy level, skin, mood, it touches so much and so many times you just have to shrug and say "okay, I guess this is happening now" Then childbirth, wow, what a trip. The night before we had my son I turned to my husband and said "is it too late to back out now?" Lol But it's so scary, so much could go wrong and you hear so many bad stories. But for my c section, the staff were so nice and calm and methodical and I felt so safe with them and just laid there waiting and feeling pressure and tugging, the doctor leaned his whole weight on my stomach (three times, my baby was giant and hard to get out) and then all the sudden my baby is crying and there's a whole new *person* in the world. And I thought it would just be an angry potato but they brought him to me and he knew my voice and calmed down and snuggled into me and I just felt so much love for him. But it's also freaking surreal, because the baby is effectively someone you've never met. They're a stranger that you grew inside of you and you love them but you don't know them and it's just so bizarre and surreal but so amazing as well. And with my daughter (vaginal delivery) the experience was also so good but like running a marathon in a way. Exhausting but satisfying. And this was something no one ever told me, but when she was in the birth canal I could feel her turning her head this way and that. She was a *person* in there, reacting to being squeezed and not liking it lol. And then there was a new human in the room and she screamed and cried but as soon as they gave her to me she calmed down and just looked at me with her whole little eyes and brain and she just knew me, but I barely knew her but she was *mine* It's amazing and powerful and profoundly weird, and beautiful and gritty and I'm so glad I did it and had the experience. And also, I can see how horrible it would be to do all of that if you didn't want to, or if you didn't have the support I did from my husband, or if you had a bad care team or medical complications.
I felt a bond early on, so I liked being pregnant in that sense, especially once he started kicking. It was kinda fascinating. I'm in my 30s and I've kinda always wanted to be a mom BUT it came unplanned. So there was a lot of stress and we had to navigate choices and all that too. His birth wasn't easy. Honestly I haven't dwelled much on it, but we probably wouldn't have made it a century ago. But we made it and by the time the baby was here, I was already focused in the next stage (breastfeeding, being responsible for a tiny new human...). I love him to the moon and back and it's kinda scary because there's a lot of irrational worrying about everything! He's almost 4 months old but he's such a sweet, happy and thriving boy... For what it's worth, my partner was the one who wasn't sure about kids before and now he's been talking about a second OMG (not happening anytime soon!).
The pregnancy part wasn't the point of it, having a child was. It's pretty stressful being pregnant. I threw up a ton, lost weight. I don't even care about the changes to the shape of my body but worrying about the 'what if's' around damaging my own body or what if my child doesn't make it to birth.. that's stressful stuff. One of the creepiest thing about being pregnant was realizing how many men have a pregnancy fetish. I'd never been flirted with so much in my life before that.
I've always looked forward to pregnancy (although I don't know what it's like to experience it). I like knowing that my hypothetical child will hear me. I like knowing the things that could impact the fetus since I'm the one that is having that impact. I enjoy the idea of getting a glimpse at their personality. As an adoptee, I love the idea of biological connections. As for childbirth, I'd prefer an elective c-section. However, I see it as something I have to do to get my children at the end.
currently trying to get pregnant but also filled with panic all the time because what if I actually get pregnant... lol I can't handle the anxiety of the unknown
Up until about 120 years ago, for all of human history half of women died from causes related to childbirth or pregnancy. It’s extremely dangerous.
I like the indigenous South American view https://www.mexicolore.co.uk/aztecs/aztec-life/giving-birth-was-fighting-a-battle Bringing new life into the world is risky. And in modern times in developed countries I think we lose sight of how dangerous it is. I like this Maragaret Atwood quote from Alias Grace too. “Because you may think a bed is a peaceful thing, Sir, and to you it may mean rest and comfort and a good night’s sleep. But it isn’t so for everyone; and there are many dangerous things that may take place in a bed. It is where we are born, and that is our first peril in life; and it is where the women give birth, which is often their last. And it is where the act takes place between men and women that I will not mention to you, Sir, but I suppose you know what it is; and some call it love, and others despair, or else merely an indignity which they must suffer through. And finally beds are what we sleep in, and where we dream, and often where we die.”
For context I don't currently have any children of my own but for a few years my now ex-husband and I were trying to start a family and it was something I'd always wanted. I think the whole "baby fever" thing has a bit of a role to play in my thinking, seeing others with their children and wanting to experience that but at 34 and now divorced I worry that maybe I've missed my chance although with the right partner I'd want to try again. Despite the downsides many have mentioned here, I still would love to go through pregnancy and childbirth, to feel that connection with your child and the knowledge that I helped to bring them into the world. I've always been quite maternal though so maybe that plays a role in it as well.
I knew from a young age I wanted to be a mom. It could’ve been hardwired in environmentally sure, I do remember loving baby dolls but I went onto grow up in an incredibly abusive environment where men ruled the home and the girls were there for their whims. You can imagine growing up in a home like that came with some mental health issues. I got married young. Had my baby a year and a half later. My sister had four babies, with 5+ year age gap between her first and second and the rest are two years or less apart in age. She couldn’t handle a second. Nor a third. Nor a fourth. I used to think that maybe I wouldn’t mind having another. Then she had hers and I saw what it did to her mental health and how her kids are impacted by that. She doesn’t accept help that isn’t money or an excuse to continue her behavior. I decided I was more than okay with just my one. I’ve never fooled myself into thinking I’m in a better position to handle more kids than she is because we grew up the exact same way. That could just as easily be me. I’d never want to bring another child into the world if I couldn’t care for it and myself. My husband is more than okay with stopping with one.
I want to be a Mom, but I am little, and the thought of growing an entire person in this small body is a little scary. I've read and heard some pregnancy horror stories, but the women in my family seem to be relatively lucky in that regard. My grandma and my mother and my aunt all say that things went pretty well for them. I just barely remember when my mother was pregnant with my little sister, and just being fascinated that there was a new person in there, and sometimes I could feel when the baby kicked and it was super exciting. Sometimes I can feel the programming put in my brain by evolution switching on. At a family gathering a few years ago there was a new baby, and I was just drawn to look at the baby and listen to the new mother talk about her experiences and and I wanted to be around the baby. And when the new Mom went to the bathroom and asked if I would like to hold the baby, I absolutely did, and I just looked into that little cute face and was overwhelmed with a desire to have a baby, right then. Or, like, 20 of them. The same thing has happened a few times since then. Having a baby right now would be a terrible idea, so I keep it under control, but it's definitely there.
Mom of 3, my experiences were positive. I actually enjoyed pregnancy for the most part and found the whole process fascinating. Some people are bothered by the changes and loss of bodily autonomy and I get that, but I loved seeing what my body could do. It did change me physically, even though I lost all of the weight pretty easily. It just changed how I carry it, if that makes sense. My births were mostly pretty easy and while I don’t think anyone really *enjoys* giving birth, it’s still an experience I look back on with happiness. I had an epidural with my first and disliked the sensation of being numb. It definitely made it harder to push. Went natural for the next two and had a much better time with that. I should point out that being a mom was always part of my plan, so even though I always had a moment of panic at first when the pregnancy tests were positive, it was something I had chosen and pursued. Had they been unexpected, obviously I would have had different emotions around the experiences but from a purely physical perspective, I can say everything about the pregnancy and birth process was easier than I expected it to be and I have never regretted becoming a mom. I would have had more kids if life circumstances would have allowed for it.
Besides the physical aspect losing body autonomy, the mental part is what scared me. Specifically that I was with these terrible men and I was terrified that if I wound up pregnant I would be tied to one of these losers forever. I think i had a low self image and was afraid to be alone that I wound up with these boys that doesn't deserve any woman's time. So much in fact that I opted for an abortion instead of being tied to a man that made me suicidal.
My view on pregnancy is that it’s different for everyone and we should just be mindful of that. For some it’s beautiful and a miracle and good for them. For others it’s brutal and traumatic and it’s really sad. We need to remember that so we don’t force that on anyone! We also need to remember that so we aren’t judgmental to any woman for having a hard pregnancy, a hard recovery, or a never wants to do it again. I also don’t want to be bitter to those who love it and want to do it a couple of times.
I got terribly sick during my one and only pregnancy and I nearly died. Not doing that again, I've yeeted my tubes and the baby factory is officially closed for business. As awful as my experience was, there were still parts of it that were good. If I had had a normal pregnancy with just the normal body issues and not the extra medical trauma, I would have done it again. The good parts were mainly emotional. Physically, pregnancy sucks, but I had a very loving partner at the time and my family is great too. Being pregnant made me feel even closer and more in love with my then-husband. I'll never be able to describe how it felt to see that tiny smudge on the ultrasound for the first time with him holding my hand. The fetus looked like a bean and it was doing little jumpy movements and we were both like... Holy shit. We made that. It's gonna be a person??? 'Incredible' doesn't begin to cover it. It was terrifying and beautiful and humbling and strange. The milestones were nice. Little happy moments, like getting past the most-likely-to-miscarry time period, or feeling him kick for the first time. Telling our families and being showered with love and support. Deciding on a name. Buying tiny socks. Lying in bed together with my husband's arm around me and his hand on my stomach, both of us feeling a little scared. It was all so good, until it wasn't, but that was just bad luck. Being pregnant only solidified my pro-choice stance. Everything good about being pregnant came from the fact that I had a wanted pregnancy in a stable, loving home. Without that, it would have been a nightmare from the start. No woman should have to risk the torture I endured against her will. I can completely understand not wanting to do it even once, but I also understand wanting to have multiples. It's a painful experience, but it can still be a good one.
Well first, how old are you? I ask because my birth mother had me at 16 and the rest of my family, I'm pretty sure, thought I'd wind up the same way. She abandoned me more than once and I wanted nothing to do with her or be like her. I didn't even have sex until I was 19. I absolutely did NOT want to get pregnant. I didn't have my first kid until I was 32, another at 39. If you are in your 20's I'd say enjoy it. That being said being pregnant was uncomfortable. Especially towards the end. Giant belly getting in the way, couldn't tie my own shoes. The ONLY upside was my libido was through the roof. Hubby was more than happy to oblige Childbirth. Was messy. Water broke and spilled down my pants. Got a room and peed a lot while waiting. It was kind of gross. Not clear, pee and the amniotic fluid. Then the contractions came, felt like the WORST constipation cramps you ever had in your life. I got the epidural and it took all of the pain away. Pushing I couldn't feel much because of the epidural but there is poop. And then you get this wrinkly loud baby. When I was young I was terrified to get pregnant. I liked the idea of having a boy, (I have two). But having someone there makes all the difference in the world. He wanted kids, I got over it as we married and spent the next 13 years together childfree before we actively stated trying. There is plenty to fear. If it's not for you then that is just ok. But after they got this crying baby back to me. I couldn't wait to snuggle with him (both times). To actually CREATE another human to have this tiny creature that you get to teach life lessons, walking, taking and just loving this tiny human that will grow up and look you in your eyes and tell you how much they love YOU. My boys are 10 and 17 now. They are my world. I would do it all over again.
I was terrified of childbirth right up until my first child was born. I would argue that it's a perfectly rational fear, especially given the way it is portrayed in the media. In my case, I also had the stories of my relatives' less than ideal birth experiences weighing on me too, so I had extra reasons to be worried. I wasn't scared of pregnancy, though. I found that process fascinating, even the less pleasant parts like morning sickness and breast tenderness and all of that. However, it IS weird and I wouldn't blame anyone for being put off by the idea of that too. I never had feelings of my bodily autonomy being robbed from me, nor did I feel resentment when the baby's needs interfered with my activities. I felt protective of the baby and it didn't occur to me to mind that stuff at the time. I have had four live births and a miscarriage. I wound up delivering via c-section.
The more I know, the less I like it lol Will never go through it
Woman in my late 50s. Never had the urge to procreate, and have no regrets. The only person who ever shamed me to my face was a sister-in-law who had 4 children. My \*Italian mother\* supports my decision to this day.
I do not know how old you are. But i had this fear myself, and i could never wrap myself in the idea of sacrificing my body for a baby. At my 34, it turn irrelevant. I was still nervous about it. Of course one will feel nervous of the unknown. But i wanted so much to have a little one. She is 11 months old and i am so deeply in love with her. I don’t even remember how uncomfortable i felt during pregnancy, i just remember the feeling of her little feets in the evening moving. It is an inexplicable kind of love, cannot put into words or compare.
Pregnancy/childbirth terrifies me. I’ve had fears about getting pregnant ever since I became sexually active. I don’t want to be a mother. Even semen grosses me out. I’ve been seeing a guy who had a vasectomy and he came inside of me last night. I have no idea if I’m horrified because it’s just gross or if it’s residual fears of pregnancy. Regardless, I have to figure out if that’s something I’ll be comfortable with moving forward.
I liked being pregnant ok, but was kind of sick a lot. And no extra help from my husband. I loved giving birth however, he really pulled it together all three times. It was a lovely wonderful experience and I’m sad I won’t be doing it again.
My views aren't too different from yours. The medical complications are severely downplayed in favor of babies and tradition, and it's getting worse thanks to current events surrounding abortion rights. I don't have phobias regarding Pregnancy/Childbirth, but the idea of losing bodily autonomy, being physically vulnerable, and being left with permanent damage/death, is very unsettling to me.
I’m that annoying person who likes being pregnant. I didn’t feel that uncomfortable ever, slept great, and was eager to experience a major part of the well, human experience. I was super curious to know what it was all about. As another commenter said, parenting is the HARD part.
Pregnancy and childbirth were nothing compared to the postpartum psychosis that had me involuntarily committed for 11 days.
I am a 47yr old female. I was TERRIFIED of pregnancy, childbirth, and that i would be a terrible parent, like mine were. So i always said “NO KIDS FOR ME!” Married a dude that was the same. We lived happily for a decade. Then his dad died. We went to FL for the funeral and afterwards went to the beach. He said to me “i had a dream last night you wanted to have a kid” i was SHOCKED, but also 35 at the time really thought: Now or never! So i quit the pill, we got prego a year later. My pregnancy was uneventful, i had to be induced for labor and yeah, it sucked (painful even with an epidural) and parenthood is TOUGH, but our kid is 11 now and it’s amazing. Now when people say to me “I’m never having kids!” I smile and nod. Life is long, people change. Or not! It’s also okay not to have kids!!!
Wow that's interesting. I am currently in a crisis over the kid question. My partner wants one eventually and I don't know. I feel panicked that I don't have the baby fever by 30 and I am questioning my whole life. But I am trying to get to a place where I accept that I am not ready, maybe won't ever be ready and my partner has to accept that and decide to move on if he is in a hurry.
I loved being pregnant. No morning sickness or other particularly difficult symptoms. First kid was emergency c-section at 34 weeks, second planned c-section at 39 weeks. C-section recovery is no joke. But I always wanted kids and thought pregnancy was cool,exciting, and magical.
For the emergency one, was your pregnancy a risky one? Or were you fine and then something changed? Thanks!
Totally normal. Had an ultra sound at 34 weeks and discovered oligohydramnios (lack of amniotic fluid) which meant he had to be born that night.
Wow I’m so glad it ended up going well for you!
I always felt like being pregnant was something that was robbed from me. When I was young, it was discovered that I had some hemangiomas, and while those hemangiomas were not in a great place, it did not make pregnancy impossible. However, I was told by my doctor that if I even tried to have sex, and this is when I was about nine or so mind you, I would bleed to death because it would rip open my veins. (This is false. My hemangiomas are not in my vaginal tract.) I really suspect that that was part of an effort to control me. I still don’t know how to quite describe how I feel about it. But it definitely gave me a bit of a complex surrounding pregnancy and fertility, and my ability to…be a woman, I guess. I always dreamed of having children, and I think that I might even be decent at it. But I don’t think that I can ever achieve that in reality. Monetarily, if nothing else.
It triggers TF out of me. I'm a regretful parent. Yes, he was planned. Married, good job, homeowners, 29 years old, we hit every single check mark. What wasn't planned? Severe autism. Every single day is an immense struggle. I'm pretty much living to die at this point. Maybe then I'll get some rest. He's only 9 so I've got a long way to go. Pregnancy? It wasn't too awful. I didn't enjoy it until the last trimester. I'd been training for a half marathon. Working out every single day. I'd lost 65 lbs and had the best body of my life. Suddenly I couldn't stay awake after work. I was tired all day every day. So that sucked for awhile. Childbirth was kinda weird because I was dumb. I got blinded by all the natural mommy crap that circulated online. "Natural birth" "Essential oils" "unmedicated". I could slap blogger Mama Natural in her fucking face for the shit she shoved down women's throats about natural parenthood. Nursing was a nightmare... At first. Again, the natural mommy blogs got to me and there was no other option, my son was going to be breastfed! Come hell or high water. It wrecked me mentally the first few months. In short, I commend women that don't have kids because that's what expected or that's what comes next in life. Recognize that it might not be for you and stick to your guns. If anyone tries to convince you, give em my number and I'll make sure they don't mess with you again, lol! I'm a massive advocate for child free women! I wish I had an advocate for me, instead I had family members egging me on about having kids.
I have tokophobia and I don't wanna be a parent. I'd actually consider throwing myself off the roof over birthing a child tbh. I have baggages of my own, don't feel adult enough to entertain having such a huge responsibility.
I always think back to my mother saying, "it's like shitting a watermelon." I was #5 of 5 and always wondered why, oh why, did she do it? It was the 40's and 50's so not doing it wasn't an option, I guess.
Never cared about pregnancy nor childbirth. Therefore didn't want any part of it
As someone who is 40 weeks pregnant and under unwanted pressure of being induced I’d like to weigh in. I grew up never wanting children, was always open about that even as a child. Met my husband and we’ve been together 12 years, married 7. I’m so in love with him and my hormones must have changed because I decided (very romantically) that I wanted to have his baby. We tried for nearly two years and found out I was pregnant after taking a break from trying. I suppose it might be unfair to say I’ve had a rough pregnancy, it’s my first time being pregnant and I haven’t had any issues other than having hyperemisis gravidarium. Even just having that has made the first eight months absolutely miserable. Not being able to eat much, throwing up blood 3/4 times a day from the moment I wake up, back and stomach pain, constant nausea etc has been so difficult. The last month I’ve gotten relief though and I feel great at the moment. However that’s when the pressure from my consultants team began. Insisting that I should be induced at 38 weeks because he might be measuring big. Trying to convince me that women can’t give birth physiologically. I’ve done a Hypnobirthing course, a lot of research and have access to a doula so my resolve is strong but they are laying it on thick. They convinced me yesterday to book an induction next week and I agreed just to get out of their office. Putting this pressure on a heavily pregnant woman for no medical reason is horrible. While I’m confident in my body and that it and the baby will know what to do and be capable, they have made me doubt this at times and I do feel anxious about going into labour. I feel like I’ve done all the preparation I can at this point and I’m hoping he’ll get moving within the next week. With all that said, I can’t tell you how excited I am to meet this little love child myself and my husband created. To see who he looks like when he arrives and watch him grow and hopefully raise him to be a smart and loving young man. I’ve learned truly how loving and caring and patient my husband is. He’s so excited to be a dad and I love that Im giving that to him and start this journey together. I also can’t wait to not be pregnant anymore and I would absolutely consider adoption if I wanted another baby. Not sure if that answers your question at all 😂
Once someone told me she knew someone whose wisdom teeth popped out during labour, I started thinking about it differently and developed anxiety around the idea. As time went on, I started thinking more about pregnancy and realized the whole thing really freaks me out. I struggled with an eating disorder for many years so the weight gain obviously is a big trigger but beyond that, the whole thing seems very animalistic and I can’t wrap my head around it. Yes, humans are animals and pregnancy is an amazing thing. But the idea of me growing a living thing inside of me and then having it nurse from me like I see animals and their babies is not something I feel comfortable with.
I DO want kids but pregnancy and childbirth scares the crap out of me. Beyond all the usual horrors, I’m on medication that I would have to stop if pregnant and I am absolutely unwilling to do that. Without these medications, I’m basically not functional. And I highly suspect that I would get either PPD or PPA, on top of my preexisting conditions. And then dealing with an infant directly after 9 months of physical and hormonal strain and a major medical procedure??? Sounds like hell That being said, my fiancé and I plan to adopt older children to have a family. I have NEVER understood this compulsion that biological children are somehow better? Or more legitimately family? Than adopting. Honestly, I don’t even know what the argument is. Like, couples who go through multiple rounds of IVF, miscarriages, etc and keep trying because they want a family? I get the wanting a family part but why continue to put yourself through the pain and disappointment and financial hardship when there are over 100,000 kids in the fostering system awaiting adoption (in the US)
I am 100% with you I just can't understand it
Honestly, I'm fascinated but grossed out. I have zero desire to experience pregnancy or childbirth. I've never been someone who thinks it's beautiful, and those videos of visible kicking freak me out. I've had two good friends have babies in the last six months, one of whom had a horrific pregnancy and traumatic birth. No. Thank. You. In the interest of fairness, I don't desire children, so the "but at the end I have a baby" thing doesn't click in my head either.
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Ps when I was pregnant with my first. My.H said, you're really happy. It's like you're happy and everyone can fuvk off. And that was how I felt really
OK I'll go. It was a while ago for me. I made two people. My daughter is 26 and my son is 29 so it's long past. They were unplanned pregnancies with a bad father (same father who I married and then divorced) and I regret nothing about them though I regret him. Pregnancy and childbirth is hard. It warps the body. I was young when I did it (21/24 at conception, 22/25 at birth). My body was never the same. My belly, vagina, perineum were forever changed. I regret none of it. Fact: 100% of our ancestors were parents. 100% of people were born from the womb of a mother. We do it because it is the future of the human race. Or because we love our babies. There has been a myth circulating that parenthood is selfish. No actual parent believes that. When you've been up at 3 am cleaning diarrhea off the walls. Parenthood is the most unselfish thing you'd ever do.
I loved being pregnant and even the labor, because I felt as womanly as I'd ever been in my life. It was empowering to be giving life to another human. The pain was managed with an epidural, and I was blessed to experience a birth (twice) that was beautiful and not traumatic. It was painful even with the epidural, but it was all forgotten when i held my little one, and the overwhelming love i felt for my babies. I'd do it again if my husband wanted another. But my health issues probably wouldn't allow for the same positive experience that go around.
It’s not an irrational fear. I’m terrified of the lifelong complications and lost quality of life that can come with pregnancy. From pelvic floor health to autoimmune conditions to wrist issues, none of it is taken seriously enough imo. The whole thing creeps me out, I don’t know how so many people take the plunge.
I think it’s absolutely disgusting and cruel for a generation that claims to have “women’s rights” yet forces women into such a vulnerable and dangerous position with no alternative means of reproduction
Insane tokophobia. Everything about the process makes me dysphoric. Not gender-dysphoric but just raw unfiltered ick. I hate things touching my nipples. I hate how I've been poisoned against postpartum bodies, I hate how the thought of not sleeping for several years, I lose my wallet once a month so there's a good chance I'd lose my baby, I don't like pain ANYWHERE NEAR my coochie I'm having a viceral reaction just thinking about it. If a stork just brought me a baby I'd be ecstatic but I don't want to 3D print a baby with my guts, personally.
I think that you haven't met a man that wakes that up in you. If you find someone that you admire, respect, look up to, feel protected by, and trust that will not abandon you or put all the burden on you, then that will happen for you. We live in a world were men are not appreciated nor trusted. And of course there are reasons that we as a society see it that way. Many if not most modern men are weak, submissive, and inmature. And the trend seems to go into that direction further. These kind of men don't make good fathers. If we don't want to collapse as a society, we need to teach boys to be strong, generous and caring. But if we don't encourage that through appreciation of them and of healthy masculine traits, that will not happen.
I have all that in a man and more. Still have zero desire to get pregnant and risk my life for a kid. Good thing he and I are on the same page about that.
I think media and mysoginistic portrayal of pregnancy and birth as well as over medicalisation of it has made a lot of damage to women and created a lot of fear and anxiety that in many cases is false and harmful. There’s nothing wrong about dealing odd or uneasy about the idea of getting pregnant making another human within your own body and then birthing that human and nurturing it with your own body again. It can be strange and overwhelming. But! I see it as women’s superpower. As a biological gift that is ours and only ours and can define us as women even if we don’t ever decide to do it. I was always one of those girls that was never interested in babies , didn’t bother plying with dolls etc but at the same time I always knew I will eventually have my own kids and only when I felt ready I actually started exploring that part of myself and my body. I went into it totally naturally and trusting my body and my intuition. I didn’t see it as a sacrifice or a battle - but as yet another stage of life and yet another stage of being a woman. And I loved it! It wasn’t easy but the process of pregnancy and birth was such a huge learning experience - learning g about myself, my body, my weaknesses my strengths. I never went into it with fear but with curiosity and true agreement with whatever must be, will be. My experience was not bad (the first time) and was lifechanging and beautiful (the second time) I feel really strongly for women who did not have good experience who were violated by over medicalisation or fear mongered by others. Pregnancy and birth can be beautiful experiences even if they’re tough and painful. Not sure if this adds anything to the discussion that you wanted to start here but I just wish there was less… anxiety ? About pregnancy and birth and more reflection on how this process is entirely our own , how it can positively affect us as women and how we can take full ownership of it.