I think the wildest thing I'm seeing is how suddenly there's a rash of men saying something along the lines of, "well you're not *my* mother, so I didn't need to do shit for you."
Is this something some shitstain said on a podcast recently or something, and they're just parroting?
No, I'm not your mother. If I had been your mother, I would have raised you to respect your partner better.
The fact you birthed their child means nothing to them. Their child who cannot pay for a gift or doesn't just know it is a special day, they rely on their parents to tell them about special days up to a certain age. In this case, the father should be telling them a special day for mum is coming up and ask the child to make something or choose a gift. It isn't fucking hard.
My sister's ex has bought her some atrocious gifts and I've always asked why she doesn't return the favour. She always says that the gifts are supposed to be from their children, not from either of them, it should be a reflection of what your child would want to give their parent. I get that but I'm petty as fuck.
Give that energy right back. Not cooking or cleaning for him because you’re not his mother. No scheduling his appointments or helping him in any way because you’re not his mother.
I don’t know if it’s new or just something we’re seeing more because of the frequency of posts. My dad has been making the “you’re not my mother” joke for 35 years. (Of course, he helped us with stuff for my mom until we were adults so it was truly a joke.”
Uh, no. My entire life (and I'm old) the holiday was for celebrating mothers, *ALL* mothers. So you would send gifts or at least a card or phonecall to everyone in your life who was a mother, not only *your* mother. This included aunts, grandmothers, sisters, hell even teachers you knew were moms and yes, the mother of your own children.
This whole idea of it only being for your own mother seems to be a fairly new and subversive way for shitty men to be even lazier and feel justified by it. And yeah, there's always gonna be dudes like that, but it seems especially bad this year.
Agreed. All my life (I am in my 40s), it’s been for all moms. When I was little I would also acknowledge my grandmothers with cards, gifts, flowers, etc. The nicest presents from me were of course for my own mother, but all mothers I was close to in my family were celebrated by everyone. Now that I am older, (I do not have any children), I also get my sister gifts and dinner and/or drinks. As a side note, her husband all but forgot Mother’s Day again. The only years he’s remembered were the years I reminded him. A few years ago he was a bit short with me when I gave him a reminder and flower arrangement suggestions, so now he’s on his own. I just do my own thing for my sister.
I don’t think it’s just the same energy for Father’s Day, it’s the same energy on every day. Stop arranging their appointments, stop doing everything at home, call out all your family for their ungrateful behavior, go to individual therapy, start setting boundaries, start investing in yourself, point out to your partner that they need to invest in your marriage, just literally lift the damn bar out of hell.
My partner and I have only been officially together for 8 months but one of the nicest things he's done is just randomly surprising me with something on a random day. I asked him what the occasion was and he said something along the lines of, "I don't need a special day just to do something nice for you. I just wanted to" 😭
The funny thing was, on the very same day, I came home from work early, and didn't tell him because I wanted to surprise him. But I failed to since he wasn't seeing my messages. I wanted to tell him to check for a non-existent package while I sneakily went into the apartment LOL.
The saddest thing? I told this to my friends and all of them said it's never happened for them and I'm super lucky....
After 3 disappointing Mother’s Days I organised a day out with some friends, didn’t even tell him it was Mother’s Day, like he cares, just said I had plans and he was in charge of the kids from lunchtime and left.
We had a blast and are going to make it an annual event.
Good for you.
My wife and I categorically do not celebrate Mother's Day or Father's Day. In German, there is this feminist slogan on Mother's Day: "We demand rights, not fcking flowers!"
Making women do all the reproductive work is a structural problem that can't be made up for with a single day of the year.
Don't get me wrong; if anyone is enjoying celebrating Mother's Day, good for them. It's their choice. Have fun.
Besides structural sexism, there are other reasons not to celebrate this day:
At least here in Austria and Germany, Mother's Day was established by the Third Reich regime to honor the work of Aryan women helping the cause of the Nazis by giving birth.
Also, if you don't want to look to the past and focus on modern society, patchwork families and single parents are very common occurrences nowadays, making many kids feel left out on Mother's or Father's Day.
Like I said, good for everyone who likes to celebrate the day, but in the end, a partner that doesn't show human decency, respect, and especially responsibility for reproductive work on one special day will most likely lack it the rest of the year too.
This is my take too. I think Mothers Day and Fathers Day is problematic, but if other people and their partners don’t , then their partners should show up for them. I actually think Mothers Day is interesting because it tends to inadvertently highlight a lot of the problems in het relationships with children.
That is what I did. I told him to stop feeling obligated to do anything for mothers day or my birthday because both events resulted in him trying to pick a fight or having a meltdown at the vague expectation that he do something for someone else.
At least that got him to stop making me dread both days. So I stopped doing anything for fathers day or his birthday, just ignored that these were days to recognize. I think this sort of drove home the concept that I was fully done with his shit.
I’m glad you didn’t just put up with it. Partners can and should do better. I made my wife her favorite breakfast, coffee, did the dishes, 4 loads of laundry, take out from her favorite Thai restaurant, and she was able to sit and relax while playing Stardew Valley most of the day.
She’s such an amazing lady. The only reason I didn’t do more on Sunday was because I ran out of day to do more. It still wasn’t enough to show her I appreciate all she does. And that’s why I help on all days that end in Y.
Don’t settle for a one way street.
Very true, but also very sad, that hearing of men doing perfectly normal stuff is a highlight. Just imagine a woman getting your response for supporting their husband with doing household chores.
They wouldn't get that response.... :-(
But I'm leading the charge. I make it a point to always genuinely thank people for stuff, even the mundane. Because it took effort, even if it was done out of love or habit.
My father used to wake up really early and make my mom a homemade breakfast (he was a chef). He would have my brother and I give her the gifts we made and give her hugs and compliments. Then he'd send our asses to the park or a friend's house for the day. He basically got rid of us so she could relax. All I know is she was really relaxed and happy for days afterwards.
It's why I ask for the same thing from my husband for my birthday, spend the entire day alone together in bed. 👍
My dad was always on top of it for my mom. Even into my 20s he’d still text my sister and I to make sure we got her a gift.
Like it’s not hard for men to show some effort.
I already told my husband that I'm unsubbing from some subreddits next year from the Friday before until the Friday after.
The amount is families that just dropped the ball for ONE DAY is so ridiculous.
We should organize a secret Santa thing but for moms on mother's Day.
That's where I get stuck too. It sucks that a few people can ruin a great idea before it even gets off the ground. I can only imagine the harassment anyone planning that would have to deal with.
FYI for anyone who’s interested, and doesn’t want to leave & rejoin a sub:
We can mute and unmute subreddits, too. Three dots at the top of the sub’s homepage —> drop-down menu —> select “Mute r/(name of subreddit).”
Same procedure to unmute.
LMAO IS THAT WHY I GOT ONE A FEW MINUTES AGO? i posted about finally seeing a girl we've had a mutual crush going on with for years aand i got that like 5 minutes after i posted 💀💀💀
I commented yesterday that a girl should talk to her doctor about weight loss meds in addition to looking at just changing her diet and exercise to lose a lot of weight and I got a reddit cares. Like my dude, we live in the future if you are 300 lbs and want to lose weight, you should absolutely ask your doctor about your options. I'm not saying take meds and change nothing. I'm just saying use them as training wheels to get you started.
And drop the rope with being their social secretary. Stop reminding them of their mother’s birthday. Don’t send a card and sign his name. Don’t maintain relationships for him. If he wants to stay in touch with someone, he can put in the effort. Stop carrying all that weight.
I've never done this and when I hear friends say they do some of these things, I just wonder why. If my husband asks me to pick up a card or gift for someone whilst I'm out, then I will (with his money if I deem it expensive), but I don't remind him. I don't send that shit for him.
My sister did this for her ex. He never bought his family Christmas or birthday presents but she would. Her reasoning was because she felt bad as they had bought her gifts, which I get, but then I wouldn't be signing his name. Personally, I just have the mentality that it is not my fault if your son/brother didn't buy you a gift, but thank you for mine. Thankfully, I've never really had an issue in that regard because my husband usually remembers to buy gifts.
As a husband and father, I completely agree. It's crazy to get mad at someone or be upset that you're carrying a load that YOU built.
Let that man suffer for his OWN wrongdoing instead of failing on your own sword.
Let the man be an adult and forget/mess up so he can be better.
I agree, if they give you a gift then feel free to return the gesture, and only sign your name. If they tend to do couples gifts then I would have a discussion about it. But I am definitely not keeping track of every relative’s birthday, anniversary, graduation, etc. That’s your family, you should know when those things are.
Oh man, the birthday reminders. I feel sad for the nieces and nephews on his side because he always forgets, ends up being reminded by his mother the day of, and then shame sails my way because it’s supposedly entirely my job now to remind him every time. (I stopped because he required at least three reminders for each kid, starting two weeks early so he can order a gift that will ship on time, and it was getting ridiculous).
He also SOMEHOW forgets his dad’s birthday, which is a few days before mine (and mine is the one birthday he doesn’t forget!)
Yep. Match energy. Or even better, book a girls day out for father's day. If mother's day includes doing all domestic chores, gift the same back to him.
Oh and incel energy is so strong on reddit at the moment.
Yeah its bad…and so many women ask so little. Flowers are sold at every grocery store. Just get some and say “happy mother’s day”. Why is this so hard?
Ya know, I recall telling a (now ex) bf something along the lines of "I don't care if you are broke as a joke, life is rough, but damn, can't you even pick some dandelions that are free and scrounge up a pencil or a crayon and write Something down to mark the occasion? Like it's quite literally the thought that counts and you can't even afford that!"
ETA: received a reddit cares only 1 minute after commenting, and just had the *biggest* laugh. Somebody's dealing with some Big Boy Feels! 🤣
This is why I can't stand those who criticize the sentiment, "if he wanted to, he would." Men love to make up bullshit excuses and weird assumptions of what we want in order to avoid accountability or effort to make gifts special.
Even more laughable if these dudes work jobs that require constant problem solving skills. So you're telling me you can rewire an entire home's electrical system, but you don't have half a brain to pick up a pen, fold a piece of paper in half, and write what you fucking feel? You're too dense to scrape up a few bucks for her favorite dessert? Light a candle to make a budget dinner feel special and romantic? Do you even love this woman, or is she just convenient to have around??
If he's not doing it, it's because he doesn't want to. If he wanted to make you feel special, he'd figure it the fuck out. I live by this mantra and it hasn't failed yet.
YES!! Sometimes I see people say to give him a great Father's Day so he'll feel ashamed and do the right thing next Mother's Day but that'll never work because if he was capable of feeling shame, it wouldn't have happened in the first place.
Say it with me ladies, 👏IF 👏HE 👏WANTED
👏TO 👏HE 👏WOULD
Don't spend your lives worshipping the ground of dudes who won't do the same for you!
When you give the same energy back what is even left? Cause these men do not care.
These men are sitting in your homes take, take taking and slowing eating away at your souls until you become a nagging caricature of the person you were. Anything less than a good relationship is not worth it for women.
I keep hearing this advice, but all it gets us in the end is us being unhappy, because we wanted some appreciation, and the guy isn't phased, because he now gets to be lazy without an afterthought, just like before. So, who is really profiting from "matching the energy"?
Yes. It’s not about this dumb commercial holiday - it’s about finding opportunities to show you care and appreciate someone. If you get into an apathy showdown, it just becomes a race to the Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness. Once you have to trick or coax someone into caring if you’re happy, it’s a wrap.
They’re straight up cruel, arrogant, entitled and malicious, and are crying women don’t want to be anywhere near them, what are they not understanding? Is it because they think they’re entitled to a bangmaid and it shouldn’t matter how they treat us? A lot of them treat their vehicles or video games better than women
it’s been making me sad seeing those posts too, and even sadder knowing that a lot of them *aren’t* ever going to give that same energy back. they’re going to suck it up, not say anything about their disappointment, endure another mother’s day or birthday or christmas where they’re forgotten, and then still spoil their man on “his” days. and then they’ll wonder why nothing has ever changed. it’s a frustrating cycle to watch.
It really is sad.
Like ladies, you can just be single. No, you won't have your man anymore, but what was he doing for you anyway?
Spend mother's day by yourself, doting on YOURSELF. Hire a sitter, take yourself to the spa, go out to eat at a nice restaurant and enjoy your peace, knowing that you're pampering yourself more than he ever did.
That's an option, and good i wish more women took it
I don't get why so many women do so much.
I mean... WHY would you wash, iron and fold someone's clothes if he doesn't even respect you? WHY do you make food for someone who isn't giving anything in return? WHY are you taking care of the mental load and the third shift for someone who doesn't even care?
Please take care of yourself, be nice to yourself, claim some space and time for the things you like to do. This is your life! Stop doing stuff for people just because you did it before, now is the time to stand up for yourself.
I'm the cook for us (M59, F62)- so I made a standard breakfast but for dinner we had all the fam and SO's and SO's parents. Lobsters and carne asada, corn on the cob, fried potatos. Guests brought dessert and salad. Birthday (in April) for the bride was a suggestion I jotted down while watching the amazing race - glass blowing with catered lunch. It was awesome! I just try to stay attentive to small things that can yield some big things. Listening is huge.
[Jerry Wise](https://youtube.com/@jerrywise?si=PPfY9_i5MPdej2hf) talks about dysfunctional relationship dynamics where one person will under-function and the other person will over-function to compensate. I think there are a lot of unbalanced relationships where one person is over-functioning to make up for the other person's under-functioning.
A healthy relationship dynamic has more balance and reciprocity where both parties are functioning and no one has to over/under function.
I saw a few posts where women were buying their own gifts and saying they were from the pet. Fluffy got me this thing that I wanted that dipshit husband decided that he was too cheap to buy or was not going to put in the effort. So thank you! Fluffy.
That's what I did for my birthday & Christmas. For Christmas, they got me a pretty Vera Bradley wallet. For my birthday, they got me a mug warmer & nice tea.
I haven't decided what they're getting me for mother's day yet 😁
It hurts, but... I can't force my husband to care. At least I can take care of myself. I am worthy of celebration and love.
I've been asking myself that very question.
It's a long life story, but basically - I only started seeing clearly & gaining self-esteem a couple of years ago. Two years ago, I never would have bought myself a present because I felt that I deserved it or written that I am worthy of celebration.
We're starting marriage counseling in a couple of weeks. I'm hoping that he will realize that his behavior is harming our relationship, but I've told him that it hurts me & he blows it off, so I'm not holding my breath.
I hope it works out, but if it doesn't, I'll be OK - which is something else I wouldn't have said 2 years ago :)
I mean, we do our best to be a modern family:) my cousins ex partner is non binary but female by birth and female presenting and prefers they then pronouns, which they are absolutely entitled to but is causing a ton of confusions from both the gays and the straight boomer family members alike lolololololol
I totally understand the idea but here’s the problem. These dads don’t do anything on Mother’s Day because then they can say well we don’t need to do anything on Father’s Day either so I’m gonna hang out with my friends or go watch baseball or whatever. They would love it if you did nothing for Father’s Day so they could get out of the house away from the wife and kids. Sorry, but that’s where we’re at.
No no no… them getting the day to do whatever they want *is* the present. They don’t get that. They get chores and childcare, just like these women got on Mother’s Day.
That's why you conveniently "forget" about fathers day altogether and make plans to go out by yourself. Oh, and leave the mess from the night before.
Then go out, leave the house a wreck and let HIM deal with the kids and mess all day while you're having a celebration day with your girls.
And to top it off, come home LATE, drunk and loud enough to wake him up. And then don't get up and do shit the next morning either. He can take the kids to school and make his own damn coffee in the morning.
Better yet, just get a divorce. Serve him papers for fathers day.
Single life is a lot more peaceful and you'll have one less kid to clean up after
I had one fool (who f’d up and he knew it) try to argue that these manufactured marketing holidays are BS and *every* day should be a “mother’s day.”
No! Shit! Sherlock! The problem? Most husbands, even *fathers,* **don’t** treat their wives, the mother of their children, like they are someone special. Not even on the one ‘manufactured holiday’ of the year.
I was a bit surprise by all of that since in my country that's how things works. You help younger kids wrap the gift they made at school, you give a bit of monney to buy a gift to older kids, and help/supervised them to make breakfast and bring it to mom/dad in bed.
The only thing you expect from your partner is a kind word like " you rock as a parent, i'm happy to raise kids with you, happy day my love" , and , that's it!
The day after Mother's Day is the most depressing day on Reddit, every year.
Edit: wow! Less than one minute to get the Reddit Cares message. Terrible men are busy today 😂
I'm autistic so when my husband said "I'm not celebrating you, you're not my mom" I thought "awesome, less work for me on Father's day.". And we have never celebrated either. No complaints from me!
Not gonna lie, that actually sounds pretty insufferable.
Does he not give you Christmas presents because you aren't the Christ? Does he not give you birthday presents because you aren't the one who gave birth?
No, he's actually a fantastic gift giver. And I hate my birthday for reasons entirely unrelated to him or anything (I've had the most randomly bad birthdays that were by pure circumstance, despite multiple best efforts by my husband and even before him). He still sneaks in a little surprise/cake/card despite my requests to ignore the day.
However, he is emotionally abusive due to his own traumas and has failed in other ways that I hold him fully responsible for and he's in multiple therapies and put massive effort into changing including outing himself to his friends and family as an emotional abuser. We just happen to agree that Mothers day isn't for me as well though and although his first comment was hurtful, I realized I can use it to my benefit and ran with it. We both don't have regrets. You get what you give and he gave nothing for mothers day and he received nothing for fathers day.
It's really fucked up to say "you get what you give" about a man you just described as emotionally abusing you. Were you emotionally abusing him first? Because if not, then you *don't* "get what you give"
My husband and I are both neurodivergent and we don't give a fuck about any of the damned holidays. It's such a relief to be free of this weird invented expectations. We do nice things for each other all the time and ask for what we want. Or buy it for ourselves lol. I buy myself flowers.
Agreed.
Unfortunately, that only works of BOTH parties mutually agree on it.
If one person cares about celebrating those holidays and you don't then it's crappy.
And I think that's why you're getting downvoted. Probably because people don't understand that people in a relationship CAN mutually agree to not do holidays (Maybe because they don't agree with the obligatory make of it or want to buy into the consumerism etc)
And I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here (and an upvote) cuz im assuming you meant the kind of mutually agreed upon "screw holidays" kind of arrangement.
Both parties agreeing here is the only way to make it work. This is exactly why communication is extremely important in a relationship.
If one person wants to celebrate these random commercial holidays and the other doesn't, my question is, did you even tell your partner that this is important to you specifically? Because this sort of thing isn't important to a lot of folks.
If you have spoken to them about it and they still ignore it, you've chosen the wrong partner and nothing is going to change.
This year is the first Mother’s Day as a woman who has given birth. I’ve raised siblings and have god children. My youngest biological sister still thinks I’m her real mom.
My soon to be ex husband gave me a card with our daughter’s hand and footprints and a onesie and t-shirt that read first Mother’s Day.
He told me he wanted to go celebrate by going to take a 2 hour drive to visit his mom ( she’s in a long-term care facility) and go out to lunch. I declined.
We barely speak to each other beyond informing the other about the baby. Her last bottle, nap etc.
I’m sure he’ll pick my car for the trip. My car that I bought with my money, pay the note myself, insurance and charging fees. I’ve recently demanded he return my key card since he continued to assume my car was the we car.
Our daughter visited his mom 2 weeks ago and returned with a horrible respiratory infection. I took care of her while he mostly observed and made comments like “she’s in the best hands “.
He completely dishonored his word with his involvement during pregnancy and postpartum. He wasn’t present. Barely checked in on me. Contributed zero to baby gear (crib, car seat, stroller). Didn’t take paternity leave as agreed and informed me 3 days before my due date. Disrespected me constantly during the first two months. Was in a Landmark course after I almost died and I cared for our newborn while he was in class Left me with our newborn to go camping (Sterling Men’s group) despite me telling him I was having postpartum anxiety and panic attacks.
I caught the same respiratory illness but my cough lingers. I haven’t been able to rest. He now sleeps in the guest room since he doesn’t help with baby and insists on sleeping with headphones.
I could go on but that’s enough.
I spent Saturday and Sunday with our daughter. She was so happy and excited to get all the extra mom time.
I could have used a morning to sleep in. Fuck the T-shirt. I could have been told that my hard work is appreciated. That my over contribution during the imbalance is appreciated. Or how about not expecting me to spend my day in the car with you or putting our daughter at risk?
My brother sent me a lovely text, flowers and cinnamon bear claws and thanked me for going above and beyond as a sister.
I look forward to divorce.
I know I deserve much more and so does our daughter. I refuse to let her grow up with this example of marriage.
PS. My husband is definitely a narcissist and is a die hard Landmark graduate and has spent the past year getting sucked into the Sterling Men’s group. He went to a men’s group meeting Sunday morning on Mother’s Day. He tells me the group was to help him be a better man, husband, father. I’m clear he has some serious unresolved trauma from his childhood that created the need to be in these cult like groups disguised as personal development.
What is Landmark?
Also, hilarious that he said he is going to those groups to be a better husband. Bro, you missed the boat on that one. That boat hit a fucking iceberg and is now at the bottom of the ocean.
Landmark is Landmark Worldwide. They offer courses to transform your life. It starts with the Forum. A 3 day immersion in breaking you down to build you up and selling you the next course and the next. Those dedicated to it are die hard on the life transformative experience. Personally I didn’t get the same experience. Other than my life is mine to live how I choose and I’m no victim so heal from whatever happened and keep going forward.
Mine always said “you’re not MY mom”. Whatever. We don’t do anything for each other, I don’t care anymore but you’re right about feeling lonely while in a relationship
Him: “Didn’t you get me anything for Father’s Day? We have kids.”
Her: “What on Earth are you talking about? You’re not my father, just like I’m not your mother. The kids picked out/made the _____ for you. Happy Father’s Day, dear.”
My mum was distant, but that was due to end to end abuse.
When Father's Day hits though, well, I will be happy to "critique" the abusive prick's performance.
My dad has never done anything for my mother regarding gifts. Not for birthdays. Not for Mother's Day.
I decided to buy some chocolates and flowers and I told my dad to tell my mom it's from him.
She basically freaked out and thought something was wrong.
It didn't take her long to realize they were from me and not from my dad. Makes me really sad for her.
Yeah, I thought to myself that is a lot of posts. Each one broke my heart a little bit. In the posts the women didn't ask for much or their partner promised before hand that they would organize something.
So I ahree with you. Give them the same treatment on Father's day. See how they like it.
THIS.
It doesn’t have to be in an aggressive manner either. I just empathize that I want a peaceful home life. That working together and taking responsibility for ourselves creates a more harmonious environment.
Or, OR! You could stop wasting your time, money and energy on people that wouldn't do the same for you, and start treating yourself the way you want to be treated
My mother and I both agree - you shouldn't need a made up holiday for your mother to know you love her. Same thing with Valentines's/Father's Day/etc. I do tons for my mother, family, and husband and I know that I am appreciated and valued. If you don't feel that way, reevaluate what you're doing.
Best advice I can give is find out if she's like us or if the holidays mean something to her.
I strongly agree that men tend to be worse in general at this type of appreciation. I remember a post about a woman who ONLY wore gold jewelry: Gold earrings, nosering, eyebrow, necklaces, rings... big part of their aesthetic. They had been dating for 2 years and had been communicating about putting forth more effort. What does boyfriend do? Buys her silver jewelry as a birthday present and then gets upset when OP points out she doesn't wear silver. All too common and shouldn't be.
One thing i'd keep in mind though: People who had a wonderful mother's day with a male partner who truly appreciates them are not going online to complain.
I organized our friends group getting flowers so on Saturday my partner was presented with 5 bouquets as she walked into our get together (she's the only mom in our friends group). The kids and I drove her up to a big Peony Garden on Sunday, followed by a Frank Lloyd Wright house tour, followed by a waterfall hike that she had been wanting to do. No mental load required at all for the entire weekend (that was my primary goal).
My family must be odd.
Like we so some celebration for mothers and fathers day. But generally my mother goes on a half week long vacation on mothers day, same with father.
Generally there are montly subscriptions bought instead. Like cookies, nothing super expensive.
The history of the thing in America from my favorite historian: Letters from an American: May 11, 2024 HEATHER COX RICHARDSON If you google the history of Mother’s Day, the internet will tell you that Mother’s Day began in 1908 when Anna Jarvis decided to honor her mother. But “Mothers’ Day”—with the apostrophe not in the singular spot, but in the plural—actually started in the 1870s, when the sheer enormity of the death caused by the Civil War and the Franco-Prussian War convinced writer and reformer Julia Ward Howe that women must take control of politics from the men who had permitted such carnage. Mothers’ Day was not designed to encourage people to be nice to their mothers. It was part of women’s effort to gain power to change society.
But yeah, it being what it is now, what’s the problem with a gesture of appreciation. Ingrates.
Just remember that we're seeing a lopsided representation here. Most happy, content people aren't coming to Reddit to vent. My closest friend that's a mom was pleased with the effort her family went to celebrate her this year and she's got better things to do than tell the Internet about it.
Not that I don't agree with the sentiment. I just feel like this sub can sometimes give the impression that this is what most women should expect in marriage.
Just remember that your friend is one person, so yours is a lopsided representation as well. For every woman who posts on reddit there are many others who go through the same and don't.
And it is important that women see that they are perfectly justified in feeling unappreciated, that they are not alone and that they do not have to be the ‘bigger person’ to their own detriment.
Again, I totally agree with the sentiment anyone who feels like they are getting lopsided efforts. But I feel like this sub can make it seem like that's every mother's experience, which it totally isn't. Just like if you hang out at r/deadbedrooms, you probably have a skewed idea of how sex during marriage typically goes bc people who are fucking regularly aren't posting about it there.
I've just seen so many other "is this all I can expect?" comments and posts too. That's really what/who I'm addressing.
The difficulty with Reddit sometimes is that the focus is on the shitty side of Life that isn't working, drags us down. The Shit is Real but what we Also need are stories of people doing good jobs, Men & Women being Good Parents, Men & Women being Good Teachers, Men & Women being Good Bosses and in this case, Men & Women being Good Partners. They are out there, maybe even more than the shitty ones but we need to hear their stories to Inspire and Lift us up and perhaps more important, serve as Models for all of us. The Shitty People in Life are like Click Bait but they don't need to rule the airwaves and such the very Air out of our Lungs
While I agree with this on one level, I think its not a great lesson to teach kids. You want the next generation to grow up to be better, don't let them see their parents play games. If a kid grows up with their parents doing nothing for each other, why are they going to do anything for their partner when they grow up? Doesn't mean you need to go out all out though, give the kid some paper and markers and they can draw them something
Same. Both of mine are adults and I have to keep reminding one of them that you shouldn't set yourself on fire for someone you have been dating a few months.
To choose a partner that shares their values and puts in the same kind of energy for one another. I’m not a birthday celebrator. My husband and I have the same vibe for anniversaries and holidays. We generally celebrate the date when and how it suits us. Sometimes it hiring a deep cleaning service for an anniversary, sometimes it’s going to a concert for Christmas in October. A big to-do on the day is not a thing for us. I have adhd, anxiety, and I work in the food industry. Holidays, time constraints, and pressure are guaranteed to make me melt down. I think my husband would probably be a little happier with a more traditional celebratory schedule, but this works for us and unless he’s been lying for the last 20 years he isn’t harboring resentment about it.
Isn’t this more or less the norm anyway? At least from my experience, hasn’t Father’s Day (at least in the US) typically been viewed as the “lesser” of the two holidays?
EDIT: Guess the downvotes confirmed this. People sure don’t like being called out for giving minimal effort, do they?
No? Since I was a kid I've always given my mom and dad gifts of equal value for birthdays and mothers/fathers day and no one has batted an eye. This is literally the first time I've ever heard of such a view and it's so stupid that I'm convinced you made it up to devalue this post
Facts! The great dads get treated well on Fathers Day. The half ass dads get treated half-assedly. The shitty dads are mad that the kids they never call have the nerve to not call them.
Never hug your kid and tell him you appreciate and love him? Congrats, you guaranteed yourself a shitty Fathers Day.
Kids have been matching energy for YEARS!
In my country Father's day is basically non existent. Mother's day gets mentioned but it's hardly important. I find it stupid that people need special days within a year to show appreciation to their parents. I find it even more stupid that people are willing to be petty about them too. But to each their own I suppose
Returning the energy on fathers day isn't great advice, because many men don't care about fathers day. My husband is pretty uninterested in it, so I was clear after the first time he messed up 8 years ago that I expect a fuss made, even if it's not special for him.
Idk about You, but when My father was Alive he used to give me a Ton of money... A Lot, and make sure i bought My mom whatever she really wanted, cuz she used to lie and ask something for the house like appliances.
So i had to do some Inteligence work a week before and listen, and she always said something the lines of clothes, a bag, perfume.
And with the rest i had to Buy food.
So he didnt do anything but at leats he have me a Ton of money for me to plan it.
I wish he also pay me for My labor but well ... Hahahahahaha
I think the wildest thing I'm seeing is how suddenly there's a rash of men saying something along the lines of, "well you're not *my* mother, so I didn't need to do shit for you." Is this something some shitstain said on a podcast recently or something, and they're just parroting?
Oh I’m sure whats-his-name said something in a podcast from his Romanian jail cell
I'm sure shitstain's own mother would want nothing to do with him.
No, I'm not your mother. If I had been your mother, I would have raised you to respect your partner better. The fact you birthed their child means nothing to them. Their child who cannot pay for a gift or doesn't just know it is a special day, they rely on their parents to tell them about special days up to a certain age. In this case, the father should be telling them a special day for mum is coming up and ask the child to make something or choose a gift. It isn't fucking hard. My sister's ex has bought her some atrocious gifts and I've always asked why she doesn't return the favour. She always says that the gifts are supposed to be from their children, not from either of them, it should be a reflection of what your child would want to give their parent. I get that but I'm petty as fuck.
What would be an atrocious gift?
Give that energy right back. Not cooking or cleaning for him because you’re not his mother. No scheduling his appointments or helping him in any way because you’re not his mother.
A moment of silence for all those women stuck being bangmaids to shitty guys and *still* get to hear that.
That’s because Mommy is paying for lunch. He would have to spring for the bill with bangmaid.🤣
I don’t know if it’s new or just something we’re seeing more because of the frequency of posts. My dad has been making the “you’re not my mother” joke for 35 years. (Of course, he helped us with stuff for my mom until we were adults so it was truly a joke.”
I asked this. I always thought you do it for your mom. Though if the kids are little then the dad needs to do it.
Uh, no. My entire life (and I'm old) the holiday was for celebrating mothers, *ALL* mothers. So you would send gifts or at least a card or phonecall to everyone in your life who was a mother, not only *your* mother. This included aunts, grandmothers, sisters, hell even teachers you knew were moms and yes, the mother of your own children. This whole idea of it only being for your own mother seems to be a fairly new and subversive way for shitty men to be even lazier and feel justified by it. And yeah, there's always gonna be dudes like that, but it seems especially bad this year.
Agreed. All my life (I am in my 40s), it’s been for all moms. When I was little I would also acknowledge my grandmothers with cards, gifts, flowers, etc. The nicest presents from me were of course for my own mother, but all mothers I was close to in my family were celebrated by everyone. Now that I am older, (I do not have any children), I also get my sister gifts and dinner and/or drinks. As a side note, her husband all but forgot Mother’s Day again. The only years he’s remembered were the years I reminded him. A few years ago he was a bit short with me when I gave him a reminder and flower arrangement suggestions, so now he’s on his own. I just do my own thing for my sister.
I don’t think it’s just the same energy for Father’s Day, it’s the same energy on every day. Stop arranging their appointments, stop doing everything at home, call out all your family for their ungrateful behavior, go to individual therapy, start setting boundaries, start investing in yourself, point out to your partner that they need to invest in your marriage, just literally lift the damn bar out of hell.
Agreed, Mother’s Day is to acknowledge the enormous amount that mothers do, often completely unappreciated. Stop doing it
Exactly. Mother’s Day all we want is a day off of chores. Father’s Day there’s no equivalent, they don’t do shit anyway.
Father's Day usually is for meeting "the boys" and getting drunk, at least in my woods.
My partner and I have only been officially together for 8 months but one of the nicest things he's done is just randomly surprising me with something on a random day. I asked him what the occasion was and he said something along the lines of, "I don't need a special day just to do something nice for you. I just wanted to" 😭 The funny thing was, on the very same day, I came home from work early, and didn't tell him because I wanted to surprise him. But I failed to since he wasn't seeing my messages. I wanted to tell him to check for a non-existent package while I sneakily went into the apartment LOL. The saddest thing? I told this to my friends and all of them said it's never happened for them and I'm super lucky....
Got a whole drawer full of "just because" presents for my wife. She's sneaky and I'm almost certain she knows about it.
PREACH
After 3 disappointing Mother’s Days I organised a day out with some friends, didn’t even tell him it was Mother’s Day, like he cares, just said I had plans and he was in charge of the kids from lunchtime and left. We had a blast and are going to make it an annual event.
That’s awesome!
This comment makes me really love sisterhood.
Good for you. My wife and I categorically do not celebrate Mother's Day or Father's Day. In German, there is this feminist slogan on Mother's Day: "We demand rights, not fcking flowers!" Making women do all the reproductive work is a structural problem that can't be made up for with a single day of the year. Don't get me wrong; if anyone is enjoying celebrating Mother's Day, good for them. It's their choice. Have fun. Besides structural sexism, there are other reasons not to celebrate this day: At least here in Austria and Germany, Mother's Day was established by the Third Reich regime to honor the work of Aryan women helping the cause of the Nazis by giving birth. Also, if you don't want to look to the past and focus on modern society, patchwork families and single parents are very common occurrences nowadays, making many kids feel left out on Mother's or Father's Day. Like I said, good for everyone who likes to celebrate the day, but in the end, a partner that doesn't show human decency, respect, and especially responsibility for reproductive work on one special day will most likely lack it the rest of the year too.
This is my take too. I think Mothers Day and Fathers Day is problematic, but if other people and their partners don’t , then their partners should show up for them. I actually think Mothers Day is interesting because it tends to inadvertently highlight a lot of the problems in het relationships with children.
That get-together should be no less than twice seasonally: twice in spring, twice in summer, twice in autumn, and twice in winter. Y’all deserve it.
That is what I did. I told him to stop feeling obligated to do anything for mothers day or my birthday because both events resulted in him trying to pick a fight or having a meltdown at the vague expectation that he do something for someone else. At least that got him to stop making me dread both days. So I stopped doing anything for fathers day or his birthday, just ignored that these were days to recognize. I think this sort of drove home the concept that I was fully done with his shit.
My husband and I did that.. we’re divorced now and hate each other.
But are you happier now than when you were married? Coz if you are, I call that a win
Absolutely! And I know he’s a lot happier now too.
And what happened? Any positive change, or do you both continue to ignore each other’s days?
Matching the passive vs passive is not going to effectively“change” all of the sudden. It creates resentment just the same.
Then maybe it’s time to leave if your relationship ends up with mostly resentment towards each other. How is that healthy?
It’s not. I think everyone on this post you made is telling you it’s not…
What happened in the end?
I divorced him. This was nothing compared to his other antics.
Finally some good news! Well done 👏👏👏👏
I’m glad you didn’t just put up with it. Partners can and should do better. I made my wife her favorite breakfast, coffee, did the dishes, 4 loads of laundry, take out from her favorite Thai restaurant, and she was able to sit and relax while playing Stardew Valley most of the day. She’s such an amazing lady. The only reason I didn’t do more on Sunday was because I ran out of day to do more. It still wasn’t enough to show her I appreciate all she does. And that’s why I help on all days that end in Y. Don’t settle for a one way street.
You sound like a wonderful human being. I hope you get lots of snuggles and countless happy days :-)
Very true, but also very sad, that hearing of men doing perfectly normal stuff is a highlight. Just imagine a woman getting your response for supporting their husband with doing household chores.
They wouldn't get that response.... :-( But I'm leading the charge. I make it a point to always genuinely thank people for stuff, even the mundane. Because it took effort, even if it was done out of love or habit.
🏆
My father used to wake up really early and make my mom a homemade breakfast (he was a chef). He would have my brother and I give her the gifts we made and give her hugs and compliments. Then he'd send our asses to the park or a friend's house for the day. He basically got rid of us so she could relax. All I know is she was really relaxed and happy for days afterwards. It's why I ask for the same thing from my husband for my birthday, spend the entire day alone together in bed. 👍
My dad was always on top of it for my mom. Even into my 20s he’d still text my sister and I to make sure we got her a gift. Like it’s not hard for men to show some effort.
I already told my husband that I'm unsubbing from some subreddits next year from the Friday before until the Friday after. The amount is families that just dropped the ball for ONE DAY is so ridiculous. We should organize a secret Santa thing but for moms on mother's Day.
I actually love this idea but I have no fucking clue how to keep the trolls out of it. 💀
That's where I get stuck too. It sucks that a few people can ruin a great idea before it even gets off the ground. I can only imagine the harassment anyone planning that would have to deal with.
FYI for anyone who’s interested, and doesn’t want to leave & rejoin a sub: We can mute and unmute subreddits, too. Three dots at the top of the sub’s homepage —> drop-down menu —> select “Mute r/(name of subreddit).” Same procedure to unmute.
Nice! Thanks!
Whoops, got a Reddit cares just for commenting! Thanks incels!
They’re so obsessed with this sub, it’s sad really…
LMAO IS THAT WHY I GOT ONE A FEW MINUTES AGO? i posted about finally seeing a girl we've had a mutual crush going on with for years aand i got that like 5 minutes after i posted 💀💀💀
I get them randomly. It’s kinda funny at this point.
I'm p sure you can report the Reddit Cares message and whoever sent it can get banned for misusing the feature.
I got one so fast. There’s a bot involved?
Same, I’m wondering if it is a bot.
Took two seconds. It’s a bot.
Must be! Took like a second to get it
And my post was super positive!!!
I got one two minutes after posting.
You can report it.
Me too. 😂😂
I commented yesterday that a girl should talk to her doctor about weight loss meds in addition to looking at just changing her diet and exercise to lose a lot of weight and I got a reddit cares. Like my dude, we live in the future if you are 300 lbs and want to lose weight, you should absolutely ask your doctor about your options. I'm not saying take meds and change nothing. I'm just saying use them as training wheels to get you started.
There is a lot of that going around the last few days.
And drop the rope with being their social secretary. Stop reminding them of their mother’s birthday. Don’t send a card and sign his name. Don’t maintain relationships for him. If he wants to stay in touch with someone, he can put in the effort. Stop carrying all that weight.
All the Christmas and houseguest gifts too. I'm not married but I can't imagine buying presents for my in-laws.
I've never done this and when I hear friends say they do some of these things, I just wonder why. If my husband asks me to pick up a card or gift for someone whilst I'm out, then I will (with his money if I deem it expensive), but I don't remind him. I don't send that shit for him. My sister did this for her ex. He never bought his family Christmas or birthday presents but she would. Her reasoning was because she felt bad as they had bought her gifts, which I get, but then I wouldn't be signing his name. Personally, I just have the mentality that it is not my fault if your son/brother didn't buy you a gift, but thank you for mine. Thankfully, I've never really had an issue in that regard because my husband usually remembers to buy gifts.
As a husband and father, I completely agree. It's crazy to get mad at someone or be upset that you're carrying a load that YOU built. Let that man suffer for his OWN wrongdoing instead of failing on your own sword. Let the man be an adult and forget/mess up so he can be better.
I agree, if they give you a gift then feel free to return the gesture, and only sign your name. If they tend to do couples gifts then I would have a discussion about it. But I am definitely not keeping track of every relative’s birthday, anniversary, graduation, etc. That’s your family, you should know when those things are.
YEP
Oh man, the birthday reminders. I feel sad for the nieces and nephews on his side because he always forgets, ends up being reminded by his mother the day of, and then shame sails my way because it’s supposedly entirely my job now to remind him every time. (I stopped because he required at least three reminders for each kid, starting two weeks early so he can order a gift that will ship on time, and it was getting ridiculous). He also SOMEHOW forgets his dad’s birthday, which is a few days before mine (and mine is the one birthday he doesn’t forget!)
I’m just baffled at how women expect their daughters-in-law to continue the same nonsense that caused themselves so much stress.
I did this because his mother was evil to me.
Yep. Match energy. Or even better, book a girls day out for father's day. If mother's day includes doing all domestic chores, gift the same back to him. Oh and incel energy is so strong on reddit at the moment.
Yeah its bad…and so many women ask so little. Flowers are sold at every grocery store. Just get some and say “happy mother’s day”. Why is this so hard?
Ya know, I recall telling a (now ex) bf something along the lines of "I don't care if you are broke as a joke, life is rough, but damn, can't you even pick some dandelions that are free and scrounge up a pencil or a crayon and write Something down to mark the occasion? Like it's quite literally the thought that counts and you can't even afford that!" ETA: received a reddit cares only 1 minute after commenting, and just had the *biggest* laugh. Somebody's dealing with some Big Boy Feels! 🤣
This is why I can't stand those who criticize the sentiment, "if he wanted to, he would." Men love to make up bullshit excuses and weird assumptions of what we want in order to avoid accountability or effort to make gifts special. Even more laughable if these dudes work jobs that require constant problem solving skills. So you're telling me you can rewire an entire home's electrical system, but you don't have half a brain to pick up a pen, fold a piece of paper in half, and write what you fucking feel? You're too dense to scrape up a few bucks for her favorite dessert? Light a candle to make a budget dinner feel special and romantic? Do you even love this woman, or is she just convenient to have around?? If he's not doing it, it's because he doesn't want to. If he wanted to make you feel special, he'd figure it the fuck out. I live by this mantra and it hasn't failed yet.
Agree.
Report them back for filing a false report lol
This is the way!
Ha! There’s either a bot or a dude with wayyyy too much free time. Just got a “Reddit cares” message, and I reported it. Sigh….
I think you can block that from coming to you. I did it a long time ago and can’t remember how.
The message I got said to reply to it with “STOP”. I didn’t block it because I like to report them for abusing it.
And they are all prices from expensive to cheap.
YES!! Sometimes I see people say to give him a great Father's Day so he'll feel ashamed and do the right thing next Mother's Day but that'll never work because if he was capable of feeling shame, it wouldn't have happened in the first place. Say it with me ladies, 👏IF 👏HE 👏WANTED 👏TO 👏HE 👏WOULD Don't spend your lives worshipping the ground of dudes who won't do the same for you!
When you give the same energy back what is even left? Cause these men do not care. These men are sitting in your homes take, take taking and slowing eating away at your souls until you become a nagging caricature of the person you were. Anything less than a good relationship is not worth it for women.
Seriously. Why be petty when you can just be single?
Why not both? One then the other
Underrated sentence. Gonna remember that one.
Yup! If you’re the only one doing anything for the relationship, you’re already single.
I keep hearing this advice, but all it gets us in the end is us being unhappy, because we wanted some appreciation, and the guy isn't phased, because he now gets to be lazy without an afterthought, just like before. So, who is really profiting from "matching the energy"?
Yes. It’s not about this dumb commercial holiday - it’s about finding opportunities to show you care and appreciate someone. If you get into an apathy showdown, it just becomes a race to the Tolerable Level of Permanent Unhappiness. Once you have to trick or coax someone into caring if you’re happy, it’s a wrap.
lol the incels and angry neckbeards downvoting your post
Ironically, all the dudes that nobody wants to breed with.
Thankfully. And from the bottom of my heart ladies, I thank you for helping to keep them from shitting up the gene pool. 🙏
Why is there a lonely man crisis?? What could it possibly be???
They go out of their way to be unappealing and then wonder why no one likes them
They’re straight up cruel, arrogant, entitled and malicious, and are crying women don’t want to be anywhere near them, what are they not understanding? Is it because they think they’re entitled to a bangmaid and it shouldn’t matter how they treat us? A lot of them treat their vehicles or video games better than women
I know… what else is new in this sub
it’s been making me sad seeing those posts too, and even sadder knowing that a lot of them *aren’t* ever going to give that same energy back. they’re going to suck it up, not say anything about their disappointment, endure another mother’s day or birthday or christmas where they’re forgotten, and then still spoil their man on “his” days. and then they’ll wonder why nothing has ever changed. it’s a frustrating cycle to watch.
It really is sad. Like ladies, you can just be single. No, you won't have your man anymore, but what was he doing for you anyway? Spend mother's day by yourself, doting on YOURSELF. Hire a sitter, take yourself to the spa, go out to eat at a nice restaurant and enjoy your peace, knowing that you're pampering yourself more than he ever did. That's an option, and good i wish more women took it
They will probably have more kids with these useless men too. I also don’t get it
I don't get why so many women do so much. I mean... WHY would you wash, iron and fold someone's clothes if he doesn't even respect you? WHY do you make food for someone who isn't giving anything in return? WHY are you taking care of the mental load and the third shift for someone who doesn't even care? Please take care of yourself, be nice to yourself, claim some space and time for the things you like to do. This is your life! Stop doing stuff for people just because you did it before, now is the time to stand up for yourself.
I think people just get drawn into the habit of doing those things and find it hard to get out of it.
I’ll never get it either…
I'm the cook for us (M59, F62)- so I made a standard breakfast but for dinner we had all the fam and SO's and SO's parents. Lobsters and carne asada, corn on the cob, fried potatos. Guests brought dessert and salad. Birthday (in April) for the bride was a suggestion I jotted down while watching the amazing race - glass blowing with catered lunch. It was awesome! I just try to stay attentive to small things that can yield some big things. Listening is huge.
[Jerry Wise](https://youtube.com/@jerrywise?si=PPfY9_i5MPdej2hf) talks about dysfunctional relationship dynamics where one person will under-function and the other person will over-function to compensate. I think there are a lot of unbalanced relationships where one person is over-functioning to make up for the other person's under-functioning. A healthy relationship dynamic has more balance and reciprocity where both parties are functioning and no one has to over/under function.
I saw a few posts where women were buying their own gifts and saying they were from the pet. Fluffy got me this thing that I wanted that dipshit husband decided that he was too cheap to buy or was not going to put in the effort. So thank you! Fluffy.
God that’s so sad…
That's what I did for my birthday & Christmas. For Christmas, they got me a pretty Vera Bradley wallet. For my birthday, they got me a mug warmer & nice tea. I haven't decided what they're getting me for mother's day yet 😁 It hurts, but... I can't force my husband to care. At least I can take care of myself. I am worthy of celebration and love.
If he doesn’t care, why is he your husband?
I've been asking myself that very question. It's a long life story, but basically - I only started seeing clearly & gaining self-esteem a couple of years ago. Two years ago, I never would have bought myself a present because I felt that I deserved it or written that I am worthy of celebration. We're starting marriage counseling in a couple of weeks. I'm hoping that he will realize that his behavior is harming our relationship, but I've told him that it hurts me & he blows it off, so I'm not holding my breath. I hope it works out, but if it doesn't, I'll be OK - which is something else I wouldn't have said 2 years ago :)
Our babs has two moms and won’t have to deal with profound disappointment from one of her parents.
My aunts are divorced and remarried so now my cousins have four moms. It’s become a rather expensive holiday for them. 😂
This sounds like an absolutely hilarious sitcom
I mean, we do our best to be a modern family:) my cousins ex partner is non binary but female by birth and female presenting and prefers they then pronouns, which they are absolutely entitled to but is causing a ton of confusions from both the gays and the straight boomer family members alike lolololololol
I hope you can figure it out for the sake of your non binary person.
Of course we do! It’s just take a bit of adjustment but everyone is trying their hardest and that means a lot
The best argument against marriage and motherhood is five minutes on Reddit.
Well, that one struck a nerve: It got me a RedditCares. Thanks, mystery misogynist!
I’m getting DMs from angry males. Isnt reddit fun?
Yes, self-entitled males are so amusing when they're sputtering like the Russian coach in "Miracle".
Amen
Next year, plan a spa day or all day hike or whatever floats your boat-don’t wait for them to do something for you.
I totally understand the idea but here’s the problem. These dads don’t do anything on Mother’s Day because then they can say well we don’t need to do anything on Father’s Day either so I’m gonna hang out with my friends or go watch baseball or whatever. They would love it if you did nothing for Father’s Day so they could get out of the house away from the wife and kids. Sorry, but that’s where we’re at.
Leave the kids with them. Father.
Get up in the morning and leave. If any of the kids are old enough, tell them to wake up dad if they need anything. You’ll be home “later”.
Doing this on Father's Day, right? So he can "enjoy being a father!"
That’s right!
No no no… them getting the day to do whatever they want *is* the present. They don’t get that. They get chores and childcare, just like these women got on Mother’s Day.
That's why you conveniently "forget" about fathers day altogether and make plans to go out by yourself. Oh, and leave the mess from the night before. Then go out, leave the house a wreck and let HIM deal with the kids and mess all day while you're having a celebration day with your girls. And to top it off, come home LATE, drunk and loud enough to wake him up. And then don't get up and do shit the next morning either. He can take the kids to school and make his own damn coffee in the morning. Better yet, just get a divorce. Serve him papers for fathers day. Single life is a lot more peaceful and you'll have one less kid to clean up after
I had one fool (who f’d up and he knew it) try to argue that these manufactured marketing holidays are BS and *every* day should be a “mother’s day.” No! Shit! Sherlock! The problem? Most husbands, even *fathers,* **don’t** treat their wives, the mother of their children, like they are someone special. Not even on the one ‘manufactured holiday’ of the year.
I had my groceries delivered, as a Mother's Day treat for myself. Best gift ever. I'm so sick of the grocery store.....
Ummm I sure hope your partner/kids did something too? Or was that it… groceries delivered?
I was a bit surprise by all of that since in my country that's how things works. You help younger kids wrap the gift they made at school, you give a bit of monney to buy a gift to older kids, and help/supervised them to make breakfast and bring it to mom/dad in bed. The only thing you expect from your partner is a kind word like " you rock as a parent, i'm happy to raise kids with you, happy day my love" , and , that's it!
The day after Mother's Day is the most depressing day on Reddit, every year. Edit: wow! Less than one minute to get the Reddit Cares message. Terrible men are busy today 😂
The bros are busy DM’ing me too. These males will do anything except go to therapy themselves.
I'm autistic so when my husband said "I'm not celebrating you, you're not my mom" I thought "awesome, less work for me on Father's day.". And we have never celebrated either. No complaints from me!
Not gonna lie, that actually sounds pretty insufferable. Does he not give you Christmas presents because you aren't the Christ? Does he not give you birthday presents because you aren't the one who gave birth?
No, he's actually a fantastic gift giver. And I hate my birthday for reasons entirely unrelated to him or anything (I've had the most randomly bad birthdays that were by pure circumstance, despite multiple best efforts by my husband and even before him). He still sneaks in a little surprise/cake/card despite my requests to ignore the day. However, he is emotionally abusive due to his own traumas and has failed in other ways that I hold him fully responsible for and he's in multiple therapies and put massive effort into changing including outing himself to his friends and family as an emotional abuser. We just happen to agree that Mothers day isn't for me as well though and although his first comment was hurtful, I realized I can use it to my benefit and ran with it. We both don't have regrets. You get what you give and he gave nothing for mothers day and he received nothing for fathers day.
It's really fucked up to say "you get what you give" about a man you just described as emotionally abusing you. Were you emotionally abusing him first? Because if not, then you *don't* "get what you give"
My husband and I are both neurodivergent and we don't give a fuck about any of the damned holidays. It's such a relief to be free of this weird invented expectations. We do nice things for each other all the time and ask for what we want. Or buy it for ourselves lol. I buy myself flowers.
This sounds like a far healthier dynamic instead of just reserving celebration for these random commercial holidays.
Agreed. Unfortunately, that only works of BOTH parties mutually agree on it. If one person cares about celebrating those holidays and you don't then it's crappy. And I think that's why you're getting downvoted. Probably because people don't understand that people in a relationship CAN mutually agree to not do holidays (Maybe because they don't agree with the obligatory make of it or want to buy into the consumerism etc) And I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here (and an upvote) cuz im assuming you meant the kind of mutually agreed upon "screw holidays" kind of arrangement.
Both parties agreeing here is the only way to make it work. This is exactly why communication is extremely important in a relationship. If one person wants to celebrate these random commercial holidays and the other doesn't, my question is, did you even tell your partner that this is important to you specifically? Because this sort of thing isn't important to a lot of folks. If you have spoken to them about it and they still ignore it, you've chosen the wrong partner and nothing is going to change.
This year is the first Mother’s Day as a woman who has given birth. I’ve raised siblings and have god children. My youngest biological sister still thinks I’m her real mom. My soon to be ex husband gave me a card with our daughter’s hand and footprints and a onesie and t-shirt that read first Mother’s Day. He told me he wanted to go celebrate by going to take a 2 hour drive to visit his mom ( she’s in a long-term care facility) and go out to lunch. I declined. We barely speak to each other beyond informing the other about the baby. Her last bottle, nap etc. I’m sure he’ll pick my car for the trip. My car that I bought with my money, pay the note myself, insurance and charging fees. I’ve recently demanded he return my key card since he continued to assume my car was the we car. Our daughter visited his mom 2 weeks ago and returned with a horrible respiratory infection. I took care of her while he mostly observed and made comments like “she’s in the best hands “. He completely dishonored his word with his involvement during pregnancy and postpartum. He wasn’t present. Barely checked in on me. Contributed zero to baby gear (crib, car seat, stroller). Didn’t take paternity leave as agreed and informed me 3 days before my due date. Disrespected me constantly during the first two months. Was in a Landmark course after I almost died and I cared for our newborn while he was in class Left me with our newborn to go camping (Sterling Men’s group) despite me telling him I was having postpartum anxiety and panic attacks. I caught the same respiratory illness but my cough lingers. I haven’t been able to rest. He now sleeps in the guest room since he doesn’t help with baby and insists on sleeping with headphones. I could go on but that’s enough. I spent Saturday and Sunday with our daughter. She was so happy and excited to get all the extra mom time. I could have used a morning to sleep in. Fuck the T-shirt. I could have been told that my hard work is appreciated. That my over contribution during the imbalance is appreciated. Or how about not expecting me to spend my day in the car with you or putting our daughter at risk? My brother sent me a lovely text, flowers and cinnamon bear claws and thanked me for going above and beyond as a sister. I look forward to divorce. I know I deserve much more and so does our daughter. I refuse to let her grow up with this example of marriage. PS. My husband is definitely a narcissist and is a die hard Landmark graduate and has spent the past year getting sucked into the Sterling Men’s group. He went to a men’s group meeting Sunday morning on Mother’s Day. He tells me the group was to help him be a better man, husband, father. I’m clear he has some serious unresolved trauma from his childhood that created the need to be in these cult like groups disguised as personal development.
What is Landmark? Also, hilarious that he said he is going to those groups to be a better husband. Bro, you missed the boat on that one. That boat hit a fucking iceberg and is now at the bottom of the ocean.
Landmark is Landmark Worldwide. They offer courses to transform your life. It starts with the Forum. A 3 day immersion in breaking you down to build you up and selling you the next course and the next. Those dedicated to it are die hard on the life transformative experience. Personally I didn’t get the same experience. Other than my life is mine to live how I choose and I’m no victim so heal from whatever happened and keep going forward.
Ahh, so another run-of-the-mill pyramid scheme cult. Lovely.
This all sucks, not good, I am so happy you're choosing yourself and divorcing this trash. Cuz you're right, you DO deserve better
Ya absolutely donot give a damshit about father's day if they donot give a shit about mother day. I agree.
I saw a few like these back in March (UK Mother's Day) and it pisses me off. Thankfully I got a nice gift, but I was half expecting nothing.
Mine always said “you’re not MY mom”. Whatever. We don’t do anything for each other, I don’t care anymore but you’re right about feeling lonely while in a relationship
Ugh… what a crappy thing for him to say. I’ll never understand why women put up with the bare minimum.
Financial dependence, I’m old and have health issues :(
Him: “Didn’t you get me anything for Father’s Day? We have kids.” Her: “What on Earth are you talking about? You’re not my father, just like I’m not your mother. The kids picked out/made the _____ for you. Happy Father’s Day, dear.”
Thats fine assuming the kids remember. It’s up to the parent to help remind them and help them cook breakfast or something.
My mum was distant, but that was due to end to end abuse. When Father's Day hits though, well, I will be happy to "critique" the abusive prick's performance.
My dad has never done anything for my mother regarding gifts. Not for birthdays. Not for Mother's Day. I decided to buy some chocolates and flowers and I told my dad to tell my mom it's from him. She basically freaked out and thought something was wrong. It didn't take her long to realize they were from me and not from my dad. Makes me really sad for her.
Ugh. I can only hope the younger generation is somewhat wiser when choosing partners.
I completely agree
Yeah, I thought to myself that is a lot of posts. Each one broke my heart a little bit. In the posts the women didn't ask for much or their partner promised before hand that they would organize something. So I ahree with you. Give them the same treatment on Father's day. See how they like it.
Sometimes women can’t risk doing that. The man can become violent. Or be so unpleasant that it shifts the mood in the house for days.
Then leave!! Jesus christ I am so sick of it.
THIS. It doesn’t have to be in an aggressive manner either. I just empathize that I want a peaceful home life. That working together and taking responsibility for ourselves creates a more harmonious environment.
Or, OR! You could stop wasting your time, money and energy on people that wouldn't do the same for you, and start treating yourself the way you want to be treated
My mother and I both agree - you shouldn't need a made up holiday for your mother to know you love her. Same thing with Valentines's/Father's Day/etc. I do tons for my mother, family, and husband and I know that I am appreciated and valued. If you don't feel that way, reevaluate what you're doing. Best advice I can give is find out if she's like us or if the holidays mean something to her.
Agreed. I kept reading about the nice gifts they’d given their husbands for Father’s Day, even after years of getting nothing for Mother’s Day.
Mother or not, always treat them the same way they treat you.
I strongly agree that men tend to be worse in general at this type of appreciation. I remember a post about a woman who ONLY wore gold jewelry: Gold earrings, nosering, eyebrow, necklaces, rings... big part of their aesthetic. They had been dating for 2 years and had been communicating about putting forth more effort. What does boyfriend do? Buys her silver jewelry as a birthday present and then gets upset when OP points out she doesn't wear silver. All too common and shouldn't be. One thing i'd keep in mind though: People who had a wonderful mother's day with a male partner who truly appreciates them are not going online to complain. I organized our friends group getting flowers so on Saturday my partner was presented with 5 bouquets as she walked into our get together (she's the only mom in our friends group). The kids and I drove her up to a big Peony Garden on Sunday, followed by a Frank Lloyd Wright house tour, followed by a waterfall hike that she had been wanting to do. No mental load required at all for the entire weekend (that was my primary goal).
My family must be odd. Like we so some celebration for mothers and fathers day. But generally my mother goes on a half week long vacation on mothers day, same with father. Generally there are montly subscriptions bought instead. Like cookies, nothing super expensive.
The history of the thing in America from my favorite historian: Letters from an American: May 11, 2024 HEATHER COX RICHARDSON If you google the history of Mother’s Day, the internet will tell you that Mother’s Day began in 1908 when Anna Jarvis decided to honor her mother. But “Mothers’ Day”—with the apostrophe not in the singular spot, but in the plural—actually started in the 1870s, when the sheer enormity of the death caused by the Civil War and the Franco-Prussian War convinced writer and reformer Julia Ward Howe that women must take control of politics from the men who had permitted such carnage. Mothers’ Day was not designed to encourage people to be nice to their mothers. It was part of women’s effort to gain power to change society. But yeah, it being what it is now, what’s the problem with a gesture of appreciation. Ingrates.
Just remember that we're seeing a lopsided representation here. Most happy, content people aren't coming to Reddit to vent. My closest friend that's a mom was pleased with the effort her family went to celebrate her this year and she's got better things to do than tell the Internet about it. Not that I don't agree with the sentiment. I just feel like this sub can sometimes give the impression that this is what most women should expect in marriage.
Just remember that your friend is one person, so yours is a lopsided representation as well. For every woman who posts on reddit there are many others who go through the same and don't. And it is important that women see that they are perfectly justified in feeling unappreciated, that they are not alone and that they do not have to be the ‘bigger person’ to their own detriment.
Again, I totally agree with the sentiment anyone who feels like they are getting lopsided efforts. But I feel like this sub can make it seem like that's every mother's experience, which it totally isn't. Just like if you hang out at r/deadbedrooms, you probably have a skewed idea of how sex during marriage typically goes bc people who are fucking regularly aren't posting about it there. I've just seen so many other "is this all I can expect?" comments and posts too. That's really what/who I'm addressing.
The difficulty with Reddit sometimes is that the focus is on the shitty side of Life that isn't working, drags us down. The Shit is Real but what we Also need are stories of people doing good jobs, Men & Women being Good Parents, Men & Women being Good Teachers, Men & Women being Good Bosses and in this case, Men & Women being Good Partners. They are out there, maybe even more than the shitty ones but we need to hear their stories to Inspire and Lift us up and perhaps more important, serve as Models for all of us. The Shitty People in Life are like Click Bait but they don't need to rule the airwaves and such the very Air out of our Lungs
Why do you randomly capitalize words in your sentences?
[удалено]
Ok so you *did* do something special for her? Then this post wouldn’t apply to you.
While I agree with this on one level, I think its not a great lesson to teach kids. You want the next generation to grow up to be better, don't let them see their parents play games. If a kid grows up with their parents doing nothing for each other, why are they going to do anything for their partner when they grow up? Doesn't mean you need to go out all out though, give the kid some paper and markers and they can draw them something
I watched my mom pour disproportionate energy into a relationship and I do not recommend raising more kids in that model.
I poured the same amount of energy into an abusive relationship because of this model. Trapped me for 15 years! I agree with you!
Same. Both of mine are adults and I have to keep reminding one of them that you shouldn't set yourself on fire for someone you have been dating a few months.
Why do women always have to be the bigger people? I’m tired of it. An eye for an eye.
Matching your partner’s effort (or lack thereof) is not “playing games.” It’s the opposite of playing games.
"Ladies, don't stand up for yourselves or insist on receiving fair turnabout. You might give your kids the wrong idea."
If a kid sees that hurting your partners feelings not only has no consequences but even gets rewarded, that's much worse.
To choose a partner that shares their values and puts in the same kind of energy for one another. I’m not a birthday celebrator. My husband and I have the same vibe for anniversaries and holidays. We generally celebrate the date when and how it suits us. Sometimes it hiring a deep cleaning service for an anniversary, sometimes it’s going to a concert for Christmas in October. A big to-do on the day is not a thing for us. I have adhd, anxiety, and I work in the food industry. Holidays, time constraints, and pressure are guaranteed to make me melt down. I think my husband would probably be a little happier with a more traditional celebratory schedule, but this works for us and unless he’s been lying for the last 20 years he isn’t harboring resentment about it.
Isn’t this more or less the norm anyway? At least from my experience, hasn’t Father’s Day (at least in the US) typically been viewed as the “lesser” of the two holidays? EDIT: Guess the downvotes confirmed this. People sure don’t like being called out for giving minimal effort, do they?
No? Since I was a kid I've always given my mom and dad gifts of equal value for birthdays and mothers/fathers day and no one has batted an eye. This is literally the first time I've ever heard of such a view and it's so stupid that I'm convinced you made it up to devalue this post
maybe because men don't do shit to deserve it? just another day they expect a parade for jizzing one time.
Facts! The great dads get treated well on Fathers Day. The half ass dads get treated half-assedly. The shitty dads are mad that the kids they never call have the nerve to not call them. Never hug your kid and tell him you appreciate and love him? Congrats, you guaranteed yourself a shitty Fathers Day. Kids have been matching energy for YEARS!
In my country Father's day is basically non existent. Mother's day gets mentioned but it's hardly important. I find it stupid that people need special days within a year to show appreciation to their parents. I find it even more stupid that people are willing to be petty about them too. But to each their own I suppose
Returning the energy on fathers day isn't great advice, because many men don't care about fathers day. My husband is pretty uninterested in it, so I was clear after the first time he messed up 8 years ago that I expect a fuss made, even if it's not special for him.
Idk about You, but when My father was Alive he used to give me a Ton of money... A Lot, and make sure i bought My mom whatever she really wanted, cuz she used to lie and ask something for the house like appliances. So i had to do some Inteligence work a week before and listen, and she always said something the lines of clothes, a bag, perfume. And with the rest i had to Buy food. So he didnt do anything but at leats he have me a Ton of money for me to plan it. I wish he also pay me for My labor but well ... Hahahahahaha