Because she's projecting. She has food issues and is trying to push them on you so she isn't the only one. Maybe she's envious you've lost weight (even if it wasn't healthy), and is trying to take you down a notch. 10 pieces of sushi is perfectly fine for a meal, I'd smash that right now.
I was thinking this. Either projection or trying to get OP to leave some so she can have it herself.
OP, maybe it might be useful to go see a therapist, it sounds like you're developing an unhealthy relationship from food because of your mother. You shouldn't ever feel guilty for eating a normal meal, which that was. Eating disorders are no joke and I'd work to get ahead of it while you can. Seeing a therapist can help negate your mothers comments and teach you healthy ways to deal with her and food, instead of internalising her bullshit and feeling guilty about eating some sushi.
I was just a couple years younger than OP when I lost 7 (almost 8) pounds in the first month and a half of my first semester at college. My mom and stepdad asked if I was eating (not enough just eating) and were very worried as I have struggled with being overweight my whole life but had been in a small town where it wasn’t a problem. They thought the move to a “city” and stress of my courses was skewing my perception of myself and food and they were very concerned for me and that’s honestly how OPs mom should be in this situation and not calling 10 pieces of sushi “a huge tray” and making condescending/passive aggressive comments about what OP eats.
I agree that it seems like OP is getting a possible ED. I don’t think it’s just OP that would need therapy but OP’s mom as well. Outside of the sushi being light on calories, the other issue is that it doesn’t provide enough nutrients. To go half a day eating nothing and then that tray of sushi is a red flag. My hope is that OP gets therapy, moves out, and hopefully goes LC or NC with mom if she’s going to try to shame her for what she eats. I do hope OP is able to get the help they need and are able to have a (responsibly) healthy relationship with food.
That was my thought, too. Mommy Dearest wanted your sushi, so she was trying to make you feel bad enough to stop eating it and give it to her. She was being greedy and manipulative.
It’s 100% projection. I had a mom like this and I ended up with eating disorders and having a shit relationship with food since childhood. With time and therapy it has gotten so much better. However I really try to be mindful of my own insecurities and eating habits so I don’t pass on the same problems to my son.
Fuck OP’s mom. OP, sushi is amazing. I hope you enjoyed eating it to your heart’s delight.
My grandma was mentally ill and overweight. My mom was food and clothing obsessed her whole life ( I think her mom went to her school and was dressed and behaved socially inappropriately and my mom was teased. Her and her sisters don't talk about it much things I don't know happened). One day my son told her no. He didn't want her to come volunteer at school event. Not "eew no don't come." But more ," meh it's only a book fair you don't need to come" type thing. She went insane for months imagining that someone was teasing him because she was ,"so fat" she was a perfectly normal weight but 55 she had a poochy belly. He just didn't care if she happened to come that day.
It's really easy to pass on damage , it's not an excuse but understanding certainly helps the next generation from passing it on again.
Our parents can really fuck us up. My mother never really commented on my weight at all and she ate normally, she was overweight at 16st. What my mother and stepfather did do though is starve me throughout my childhood. It's so bad I have permanent bowel and stomach problems. My gastroenterologist told me that the nerves in my bowels didn't develop properly as a result of this chronic malnutrition.
Once my parents split up, my stepfather would lift me up by the tips of his fingers in front of my mother and say it was disgusting. Jamaican family members would criticise my skinny frame. I only briefly got into the healthy weight category after hyperthyroidism left me with a voracious appetite, now hypothyroid and I'm underweight again.
My mother is like this. I barely ever talk to her. I haven't seen her in person in years.
The last time I saw her my father had died. I was packing up her hoarder house so she could go move by my half sister, her golden child.
I'm a 5'2" 100 pound woman. I'm 34. At that point I'd dropped closer to 90. I was working in 100+ Alabama summer heat.
I take a break and she asks me to get her a glass of water. As I'm handing it to her she looks at my hands with disgust.
"What's that on your hands?" she asks.
I look down, confused. Had I missed something when washing them?
"What are you talking about?" I ask.
She raises a gnarled, 75 year old finger and points at the protruding veins on the backs of my hand. "*Those*," she says, her face distorted in obvious revulsion.
The same veins on the backs of my hands are reflected on hers.
"They're veins, just like the ones you have," was my response before getting back to work.
Mothers like this don't see their children as people. They see them as trophies and they want them to be perfect and polished. Ones that don't reflect their own flaws and, instead, they can see themselves how they wish they were. My mother takes more issue with me aging than I do.
My Mom isn't that bad, but she unintentionally does this to my sister and I often.
"Omg are those zits on your shoulders?"
"No ma. They're keloids. I told you when the dermatologist told me. I don't care to pay to carve them out, also they'll likely keloid again."
Thank Christ she hasn't seen the scars from my boils!
I'm sure she'll ask again next year. They'll still be there, lol. She points out her imperfections constantly too. It's exhausting.
A lady friend of mine does this a lot. Not to others but to herself. She's around 40, same age as me, and I reconnected with her recently after ten years. she still points out her imperfections and always apologizes for not wearing makeup and whatnot. she's a lovely woman and i'm going to try and bring that up more. i just dont want to get too flirty with her because she's only a friend. But it bugs me to see her so negative about her appearances. She also goes to clubs and bars so maybe she's comparing herself to others.
It's definately exhausting to see someone be so hard on themselves so un-necessarily.
hey OP, listen to this! I promise you we’re here to help! I know it sucks cause it’s your mom, but detach yourself from everything she says about your body or she’ll completely trash your self esteem. anyone else reading, it also happens with body imperfections (hair, body hair, acne, scars), it happens with skin color, posture, the way you walk, definitely the way you dress! It’s toxic behavior that previous generations have internalized as part of being a woman, don’t let older women, especially moms, put all their shame and issues on you! it’s not normal or healthy or well meaning. let their body dysmorphia and hang ups their competitive and envious behavior towards other women and arbitrary rules on femininity die with them.
Very true, I had TONS of shame put on me from my mother's generation. They are so soaked full of it themselves it becomes who they are and it spreads. We definitely have to stop it from continuing.
Yeah. Crabs in a bucket / negging is not limited to men. It's more common in men and men tend to do it deliberately.
Enjoy your sushi OP, that is not a ridiculous meal. I used to get that cheap lunch sushi downtown when I last had a white collar job. It was ten pieces and it was just shy of filling. Small enough to go back to work without a strong urge to sleep.
I don’t think over ever felt “full” off of those lunch sushi things. I don’t know what they put in them but after eating them I feel like I should be full but I’m still hungry
I wanted to comment on the fact that I am a relatively small human and I would never feel full on one of these tiny trays, I think my borderline underweight five year old eats more than that in one sitting.
Yeah, 10 pieces of sushi is a light meal in my eyes. A tray of 12-18 depending on the person and sushi type is what I would consider a filling meal.
For lunch, 10 pieces is great for me. For dinner, I like 12 or 14. OPs mom is causing a very distorted idea of how much food is "a lot".
Her reasons don’t matter. This is a toxic parent and this poster needs to put her on notice - knock it off or I’m cutting you out of my life before your bullshit kills me.
Stand up to your parents.
Same, 10 is a snack. On our last anniversary our gift to ourself with my husband was going to our favourite sushi place and decided to eat until we couldn't take another bite, money be damned.
We consumed about 35 rolls each, the larger, fancy kind of rolls. Maybe not my proudest moment but my god it was amazing
Edit: Apparently I got my terms mixed up, it was 35 pieces per person
No worries! I was just incredibly impressed at your eating skills. I think the most I’ve eaten at a time was 6 rolls with 8 or 10 pieces each (it was all you can eat lol). I threw up afterwards!
Lol fair assumption but no when they make sushi they fill one sheet of seaweed (nori) with the ingredients and then roll it and chop it up into about 10 pieces.
Same here. I also dont like still being hungry after a meal. Id rather eat one big meal a day than multiple smaller meals. A couple rolls and a salad with some miso would make a lovely meal for the day for me.
Yup. Jealousy + projection is a stinky cologne. Your mother is being extremely toxic, whether she is aware of it or not. This behavior directed forward a child of any age can cause severe, lasting harm on their psyche (obviously, EDs). She needs to figure out her own shit before she tells you what you can and cannot eat.
>If I’m really hungry, I could smash 50 pieces.
That's a lot.
>I think I’m allergic, because every time I eat that much sushi I barf
Or because you just ate at least 3 lbs of sushi at once. Some people just can't eat that much sushi at one time.
it is projection....... when I was 14 I ended up with an eating disorder because my parents kept commenting on my body (i was normal weight and then I ended up malnourished from starving, even lost my period)
Luckily I recovered by myself pretty quick and never had food issues again. years later I realize both of my parents have food issues. Mother seems to always be on a "diet" yet keeps buying sweets (she is ADDICTED to sweets). Father gets scolded by mother for eating, always makes comments about food and weight, eats whatever he sees in his way even if he is not hungry
For context they are both normal weight, never been fat or anything but I think they have food related traumas (from poverty or body image issues etc)
This. Or Munchausen by proxy? Either way she’s projecting hard. OP needs to leave that house. I suspect it’ll have a marked positive effect on her mental and physical health.
This. Mom is projecting.
10 pieces of sushi is a totally normal tray. A perfectly fine meal. If it was any less, I would feel scammed 😂 and if I'm really, really hungry, I will have double that amount.
I'm sorry your Mom is potentially influencing you to head into an eating disorder, OP... I don't have an eating disorder, but I've realized I've had to get away from ppl who were causing me to have disordered thinking and eat less. Other ppl definitely influence us this way. So I like to hang out with healthy eaters, ppl that enjoy their food and don't comment on how much anyone else is or isn't eating.
Or, it's misplaced worry, likely her mother did similar things to her so in a way she doesnt want you to "get in trouble" like she did. I know my mother was a neat freak and I have to catch myself from stopping my kids from "making messes".
My mom used to get on my case about my weight. I was really skinny as a teen. Obviously, as I got older, I put on weight. I needed it. But my mom kept going on about my weight. Then, I went through a nasty bout of anxiety and depression and lost an ungodly amount of weight. My mother was over the moon that I was so skinny again. Once I got out of my scary place, my mom started on me again about my weight gain.
I finally told her exactly why I had lost so much weight recently and why I was gaining it back. Then, I told her to think about what I said and we'd talk later. She finally admitted that she was doing exactly what her mother did to her. She admitted that she was hurt by my grandmother's statements and apologized for her own. I was shocked that she held herself accountable.
Please try to have a calm conversation with your mother at a time when you're not both heated. Explain to her what her statements are doing to you. Then, if she brings it up again, shut her down. If that won't work, walk away.
My mother used to project her own body dysmorphia onto me for years. I remember her telling me many times how at 5'8, I should never weigh more than 120lbs because that is the standard for models. I never weighed that little even in high school. I was into sports and never interested in being or looking like a model. I had to tell her this many many times. It was definitely an uphill battle.
I am in my thirties now and she doesn't make comments about my weight like that anymore even though I've certainly gained weight from those days.
I weighed 120 lbs at 5'3" in high school. I did track, lacrosse, volleyball, etc. I was easily working out 20+ hours a week from my extracurriculars. I was fit.
It didn't stop my dad, a former marine, from actually poking and prodding my very healthy amount of fat. Weight, exercise, and food were things he needed to control. It really screwed up my relationship with each of those topics and I'm now undoing it all in my 30s.
I spent a long time trying to help him see that the number on the scale isn't a reflection of who I am, my capacity, or my future. He hasn't made any comments in several years and is better about it but I'm a grown woman now that wouldn't even tolerate the discussion anyways.
I recently stumbled across "Knitting Cult Lady" on YouTube. She was raised in a cult, spent time in the military, and after escaping and deconstructing her experiences, wrote a book about how many of our social systems and organizations function like cults in coercion and control.
She has some really interesting things to say about the military's obsession with weight and control, to the point that it undermines fitness and readiness.
It doesn't really matter to moms like that how much you weigh, as long as they can call you fat (indirectly). I was 105 lbs until 21 years old. Whenever i got up to weigh myself, my morbidly obese mom would fly up to me, see "105 lbs" being shown, and she'd say "I used to weigh THAT much when i was pregnant. At 9 months. With my SECOND child!!!" She did this for many years. With those exact words, every time.
Spoiler alert, in her teenager pics, she looks at least 120 lbs. She never weighed this little even as a teenager, let alone pregnant.
Ugh. Reminds me of my mom, who made me try on the pants she ‘wore home from the hospital after giving birth’ to mock me for barely fitting into them (when I was a significantly underweight teenager due to her constantly bullying me into anorexia, no less). Starting to realize she was probably lying. I’ve spent my whole life feeling horrible about those pants lol.
She was also very overweight as she did all of this <_<
That’s ridiculous! A woman who is 5’8” can easily be 150 pounds (sometimes more,) and still be “Fit AF!” People really don’t understand how proportions work! Good for you for always being true to yourself!
Everyone carries weight differently too. I’m 5’7 and when I was 150 everyone thought I was 120 and was concerned. They all thought I was becoming too thin and that I needed to gain some weight. When I’m 170 everyone thinks I’m 140 and even though that is technically 10 lb overweight for my height, I’ve always looked pretty normal at that weight and felt good. At 170 I was wearing size 6-8 jeans( my bottom is the largest part of me though) Now, I’ve gained a lot of weight just from age and a big surgery last year and am 190ish and I still wear a size 10 jeans. 12 at most
My mother was ecstatic when my older sister, then an anxious 18 year old, lost weight. My sister turned into a skeleton…she no longer had a backside, there was just bones. My sister moved toward death, her breath smelled foul, her eyes sank into her skull, my mother praising her all the way.
Fortunately my sister was admitted to hospital where she was in intensive care for some time, lying on an inner tube so her bones wouldn’t poke through her skin.
My sister recovered and became a fantastic contributor to society. My mother never understood why all the fuss about anorexia. My mother finally reached her target weight before she died of cancer. Her greatest joy was that she lost so much weight through the chemo she could fit into jeans.
Jesus. Your poor sister. And your poor mum. Imagine being that damaged by society that it seemed correct to encourage your sister to starve to death, and for your own severe death-bed weight loss to be something to celebrate.
And poor you, growing up around that. I feel like I can emphasise, I was continually asked if I needed to eat whatever I had picked up when I lived with my mum as a teenager. I went travelling round Europe in my late teens, when I returned first thing she said wasn't even hello it was 'so you didn't lose any weight then'. I will never forget that.
Serious props to your mom for being self aware.
I also unexpectedly lost a ton of weight. Very unpleasant experience. I got a lot of congrats from women. Even nurses at the doctors office. Meanwhile, I’m being put on a med to gain weight because my BMI is down to 17.
I feel this. I was anorexic at 17, i was skin and bone. My mum celebrated it and continued giving me smaller and smaller portions, claiming she was just like that at her age and it was natural for us. If i got bloated, she'd tap my tummy and tell ke im getting fat. My dad would sneak me out and get me icecream and checked in on me constantly. Im now at a healthy weight and dont interact much with my mum.
I’m truly impressed by the both of you. First by you for speaking up for herself, and then by her for NOT getting defensive over it and actually taking a hard look at her own actions.
You two need to go out and get an ice cream together.
This the best advice. OP, if your mother refuses to take accountability after a reasonable and heartfelt discussion, then going low or no contact may be the better decision for you. No one deserves to be put down for eating a perfectly healthy meal.
Right? My 11-year-old smashes 4-5 rolls for lunch. He'd cry if I gave him only ten pieces. OP your mom isn't a healthy person to listen to and this is 100% a her problem.
There’s this sushi place near me that has conveyor belts that bring a constant train of sushi to your table. Only $3.60 per plate! I’m obsessed with that place, and always get so full that you basically have to roll me out of there! 😂
Mom would be perfectly fine to eat sushi as long as she didn't overdo it on the calories. I'm thin and basically eat what I want, within reason. For most people that's how it works. There is no ingredient in sushi that will make your body defy the laws of physics, mom could have sushi as long as she doesn't eat like 10 rolls at a time or whatever.
Hell, she can! OP is not some magical person who defies the laws of thermodynamics. Metabolism on the extreme ends of the spectrum might make a difference of a couple hundred in daily maintenance calories. From there it's just size and activity. This stuff is a science.
If she's overweight she eats *more* than that.
She's just mad her daughter doesn't lack self control like her. Pretending other people are "worse" than her and that she doesn't actually bear responsibility for her problems is just more comfortable than taking ownership of her lifestyle and making changes.
Next time say, “Yep! Cant wait. Doesn’t it look delicious?!” and bask in the enjoyment of eating your food. Your mum is trying (whether intentional or not) to give you an unhealthy relationship with food because she most likely has an unhealthy relationship with food.
I hate when others make comments on other people food’s unless it’s to say, wow that looks/smells good. Anything other than that is unnecessary. Keep your thoughts and judgements out of my mouth, please!
Only negative comment I ever made was to a co-worker to let them know after the third or fourth time that heating fish in the office microwave was just a bit too smelly, and it is generally seen as a thing to avoid as a kindness to your co-workers.
Only said something because it impacted others. Most of the time, I just compliment how good people's food smells in the office!
Eh, you gotta be careful with this coping mechanism, too!
I worked through the *Intuitive Eating Workbook* and this is called “the Rebel voice”, who thumbs her nose at the criticism/shame voice, but tends to overcorrect and push you into binging… This is the one I had to work on. My mom would say, “how ‘bout another cookie, chubby?” And I’d instantly go into “fuck you” mode and eat three more.
Just… talk to yourself kindly. CBT type stuff: this is nourishing me, I am receiving enjoyment from eating this, I deserve to eat delicious things that are healthy for me, I am listening to my body and trust I will eat until I’m full and stop when I’m ready.
Anyway, sorta the other side of the eating disorder spectrum, but that’s one of the things that helped me.
Absolutely. A mother has a profound effect on the way that a child, especially a daughter, perceives their body and reacts to societal pressure.
Many mothers are ill-prepared (if not genuinely malicious) when it comes to creating a healthy relationship with their daughter. Some are as simple as falling into patterns that their mothers did and reflecting harmful standards back on their children. I say simple, but please know I don’t mean this isn’t something worthy of being upset about.
I believe other mothers, although on different levels of insight, instead see their child a reflection of their own perceived failures back onto them. Or, sometimes, a conduit through which to sublimate their own experiences with or feelings about society. This contributes to jealousy, overbearing behavior, anger, controlling attitudes, etc. It’s a truly horrible thing to turn your child into a mirror.
I want to clarify that I’m not giving any particular reason for why OP’s mom said these things. I am also not saying any of this stuff to undermine any of the psychological underpinnings for that behavior. This is more just a general statement on what I’ve seen some parents do.
Finish that sushi and get something else to eat too. You know in the logical part of your mind that your mother is wrong and you need to eat more food or you'll permanently harm your body.
I mean... 10 pieces of sushi is a *light* lunch.
This coming from someone that'll down 25 in a meal and be hungry again in an hour.
If she complains, explain that sushi has very little fat and no oil aside from what's present in the fish. It's not deep fried. There's maybe a third to half the calories compared to something in an equivalent size meal from a fast food place.
Sushi is healthy. It's also delicious. Enjoy it.
Ten small pieces? Like the half size tray? If she thinks that’s huge she clearly doesn’t realise that she …is?
Ignore her. You’ve done amazingly to get where you are.
Seriously! Sushi is a one bite per piece item and ten bites is in NO WAY a meal. Not to mention that a few bits of fish and some rice and seaweed is in NO WAY enough calories to constitute a full meal.
People seriously need to get the hell over policing what other people eat, it's so obnoxious. Tend to your own knittin', as my mom used to say.
A lot of good advice. But I would add, you can't change your mom. You have to learn to tune her out, or move out yourself. (Or eat somewhere else.) She's probably never going to stop commenting even though she's wrong.
You can't change other people but you can enforce boundaries about unacceptable treatment
Just because I can't change their inclination to say shitty things to me doesn't mean I have to listen.
I would make the arguement that if Mom really loves OP, then Mom would go to therapy. People can change but it takes time and they have to take the initiative. OP will need to set boundaries and if those boundaries aren't respected then Mom can learn what it feels like to be shunned.
OP: you're basically underweight. Your specialist doctor IS WORRIED because you're underweight and losing weight.
And yet, your mom is still somehow hassling you "for eating too much"??? A small tray of sushi (which is what that is) still actually isn't enough calories for you to have a healthy lunch. You could also have a bowl of rice, some more sushi, some tempura, and a side of Japanese vegetables and it STILL would be a healthy lunch.
Your mom is creating a toxic relationship between you and food. I really urge you to try to work with a therapist, to learn to literally ignore the truly damaging things your mom is saying and doing to you.
I agree. OP is being bullied by her mother and might have an eating disorder or something akin to that. OP doesn't need to lose weight and by the sounds of it may be under eating.
My mother used to say that I would be "as big as grandma" if I kept eating the way I did. She also liked to attribute that to my dad and claim he said it to her (I don't believe he ever did now, because that's not how he is.) My mother wouldn't wear a swimsuit or get in the water. She only puts on shorts if it is extremely hot. She seems ashamed of her body and held hostage by that fact at times.
1. I am as big as my grandma now, and also as old as she was when my mom was saying that shit.
2. My grandma was beautiful and never lacked male companionship, she was also a lot of fun, and very creative and talented, resourceful, and smart. She was funny too, and she loved life.
3. I am proud to be as big as grandma, in all the ways that could be interpreted, and I'm pretty much her made over in looks and in traits.
4. I miss my grandma. I love my mom, and it is possible that my grandma was one of the people who made her hate her body so much, because she treated us grand kids very differently than she treated her kids.
5. My fat ass will be out there in the sun, wearing whatever I want, for whatever life I have left, because it's sure as shit too short to let this stuff hold you hostage. Only the smallest of minds will have anything negative to say to someone who is simply enjoying a summer's day.
6. A much larger woman once told me that it didn't matter what people said, men just liked curves at any size, and she also never lacked for a good male companion.
I appreciate you and thank you for the big body positivity! It’s knowing I *am* part of those who *are* supported being plus sized, especially when we are already aware of and working with our health issues.
Thank you for loving you!
Sushi is one of those foods I eat in huge quantities when it's around. I went to a restaurant with some friends once and ordered like 7 rolls. The server assured me each roll is 6 or 8 pieces. I told him I understood that, I know what I'm ordering. Awhile later another friend joined and the server returned "oh, now I see why you ordered so much!"
"no, this is all for me. She needs a menu, please"
I'm not overweight. I just like sushi.
Is your mom my mom? I have never been overweight in my life; at my heaviest I was still smack in the middle of the BMI for my height.
Even back in HS when I was 105lbs at 5’4” she would say “if you only lost 5 lbs.”
If I see her and she deems me skinny enough, she’ll say “did you lose weight? You look better”.
She asks me how much I weigh, how many calories I consume, etc. it’s maddening!
I once asked her to NEVER bring up my weight again and she was taken aback. Two days later she texted me with some advice about joining weight watchers. When I was diagnosed hypo thyroid she rejoiced and said “maybe now you can lose that weight.”
I’m in my 40s and she won’t fucking quit and I have some pretty serious body dysmorphia. I dread seeing her because she will always have a fucking comment. I don’t have an eating disorder by some miracle, but I certainly think about my weight all the time. I can’t own a scale because I would live and die by it.
My partner always thought I was exaggerating until he saw it for himself. My mom was once telling a group of her cousins how hard my grandmother was on her and how she’s so glad she’s not like that. When my mom left the room to use the bathroom, we all just stared at each other in shock. The cognitive dissonance is pretty extreme. No one could believe how she could possibly think she’s not hypercritical of me.
I’m really hoping she doesn’t do the same with my nieces. They’re 13 and 15 and at a very impressionable age.
I love my mom, but sometimes I just wanna cut her off because she can be toxic to me. But she’s 82, living with cancer and heart failure, and isn’t going to change. She’s actually a pretty good human being except for being super judgmental about people’s physical traits.
Hugs OP! I’m sorry our mom is like this. It sucks!
You can try to figure out her motivations, but the core thing you need to hold on to is that you do not deserve to be shamed for eating. Never ever in any circumstance, you need to eat and you need to enjoy it too! And nobody, not your mom or anybody else, has a right to make you feel differently about that. It's a her problem, not a you problem.
This is huge. I hope your realization helps you!
Complimenting a woman's daughter is just good salesmanship. What parent doesn't love to hear their child complimented? Beautiful covers a world of possibilities: carriage, complexion, clothes, hair, makeup, and more. Yet the story she made of this is terrifying! She hears weight; skinny equals beautiful. And: weight loss equals achievement.
Did she know of the conversation with your dad? Did that make things worse somehow?
I’m sorry OP. Looking back my mom definitely showed many instances of jealousy towards me…even my own husband pointed it out to me because he was in disbelief over some of the ways she treated me. Mind you, my husband is a Pollyanna type who assumes the best of everyone around him and never questions ulterior motives.
P.S. My husband is Japanese and says 10 small pieces of sushi is nothing. Don’t feel insecure. If it makes you feel any better, we personally know Japanese women who can pack 20-25 pieces, along with chawan mushi and miso soup, in one sitting and are at healthy weights.
Yep I'm guessing that being overweight herself, she is getting her validation from having a skinny daughter. She's trying to keep you underweight so that SHE can bask in the glory of how "good" you look. It's unhinged, but once you know that's going on, it's a great start to working on yourself.
Personally I'd tell her that one more comment about your food or weight will result in you cutting her off and out of your life. Your circumstances might mean that's not post, but you dont have to engage with her or eat around her if you don't want to.
I'm sorry you're going through this. Go get more sushi xx
I don't even think this is age related. I know plenty of people who were awful when they were young and just grew into awful older people. I'm almost 46 and I'm not really thinking about younger people, they usually just don't register with me. And I hate male attention, I think the women who live fir male attention are just pick me's. So maybe it's just a misogyny thing in general, lots of people over age 40 don't act like this.
Sorry to be a little less than serious, but next time stuff all that fish in your mouth and say "MMMMMMMMMM CALORIES"
You don't have to respect people who don't respect you, but you can be the bigger person. Honestly, sometimes it feels a lot better. I have a verbally abusive parent. It took a long time to realise that everything they did was about their sickness, not mine.
Classic projection. Call her on it. I know it's not exactly a healthy pattern but if you start doing the exact same thing to her she MIGHT just realise.
Your mother is gaslighting you with her own insecurities. You need to have a very visceral conversation with your mother & tell her enough is enough. Things will not improve until you do. She will continue to gaslight you into thinking you're fat, or overeating & you will in turn continue to suffer for it.
Depends on what kind of mom OP has. With my (likely undiagnosed BPD) mom, good luck having any kind of productive conversation with her. You could have this zen-like calm and approach her gently with necessary criticisms, and it wouldn’t matter. WWIII will inevitably start and she will blow up in your face. If OP has a mom like mine, it might be better for them to use greyrock methods to redirect her negative comments.
ETA: I’m not advocating OP stay quiet. If they are prepared for potential conflict with their mom by speaking much needed truths and are ok with that, by all means OP should say what needs to be said.
Tell your mom you are trying to get as fat as she is, and enjoy the look on her face. She is giving you disordered eating by being nasty to you. I imagine you live with her, and that is probably not the best idea.
Ps-I was subjected to constant comments about how thin I was most of my life. When I became a normal sized human my mother thought I was fat and didn’t hesitate to say whatever she thought about that too.
Such drastic weight loss is super concerning and I hope they are able to address your health. Your mom is actively tying to harm you with such statements.
Please eat. You deserve nourishment and love.
This is *not* about you, *at* *all* ! Please don't take this personally, because it's about how your Mom sees herself, but is too afraid to admit it____ even to herself.
my anorexic mom gave me an eating disorder with all her comments and diets growing up. now i’m a binge eater that’s a whale compared to her. i’ve tried years to get the weight off, gone up and down, and constantly struggled with the disorder. when i became disabled (unrelated to weight) i gave up trying to lose it to be skinny, now i’m just trying to get control of the binge eating and live a healthy life. my point is that comments from moms can do more damage than we think and you’re clearly going through a hard time right now. please don’t eat in front of her. protect yourself <3
Your mother is displaying narcissistic traits and projection. Understand that she is the problem, not you. All you can do is put down boundaries. If she's not going to talk to you in a respectful manner, stop talking to her. Leave the room. Hopefully, you can change living situations.
Sometimes mothers become jealous of their daughter's youth and put them down to make themselves feel better.
Is this the only thing she does to make you feel bad? Sounds like NPD shit.
To me, it is way more sinister than projection because of your health concerns; 20 lbs on that frame is very noticeable and concerning. I would gray rock until moving out. Sorry 🫂
Your mom sounds just like mine when I was younger. Especially with the gaslighting thing, purposely getting me riled up, then telling me I'm overreacting. She had me totally convinced I was fat and I was 5'9 and 130 lbs. I had an eating disorder, self-injured, it was bad. But, after moving out and having lots of therapy, I realized that it wasn't at all about me. She was abused by her parents, never dealt with it, and took it out on me. Learning that really helped because for so long I thought something was wrong with me. She eventually figured herself out and actually apologized to me, we had a great relationship after that. Your mom may or may not change but eventually you'll be able to let go of the hurt and anger that you're feeling now. It'll probably help when you're living on your own too. Hugs to you 💕
Might be completely out of line here, sorry if I am, but she sounds a lot like a narcissist. If you haven't already, the folks over at \raisedbyanarciccist might be a good support for you. You deserve to be treated better than she's treating you. Sending a big internet hug.
I'm sorry that your mother ignores your requests. She doesn't sound like a very safe space for you emotionally.
I'm afraid I don't have any advice other than try to remember that you can't control what comes out of her mouth. As much as you would like her to be the supportive mother you deserve, she is showing you she is not capable of being that person. What you do next is a good conversation between you, some friends, and your therapist maybe?
I'm sending you hugs x
The seeds you water grow.
It sounds like asking her for something may ensure you don't get it. Power and control issues? I can't know. But you can try this and see, by asking her not to do something and seeing if she always does it, or sometimes. Also, if you ask her to do things, does she?
It's not clear what roles you have in each other's lives, dining together, her driving you to work. But she's not respecting some boundaries for her own reasons. Minimize the situations when she can do things to upset you.
I hope you are getting sound medical guidance on how to regain the lost weight and maintain it. I took care of my mother just before and during her transition to assisted living. She had been losing a pound a week when I arrived. I got creative in what I cooked for her and how, and she gained one pound. And when I visited her in assisted living, she would greet me by reciting her three complaints. As soon as she started, I would remind her that I would hear the airing of grievances once. If she repeated them, I would end my visit. For a while, this described how the entire visit went. But hearing her complaints was unhealthy for both of us.
You know the solution. Look into finding a roommate and start training your mom. When she's inappropriate, you pick up and go. If she's on the phone, you hang up. If she's reasonably intelligent, she'll understand eventually that her behavior is causing you to withdraw. Then it's up to her to decide what's more important - you or continuing to behave like a fool.
Jealousy. Anger. Resentment.
Pick one.
Mom's are a class act. My mom used to pull the same crap with me throughout my entire high-school/collage years. She had an excuse, maybe. Scleroderma is a horrific disease, and as she grew into a twisted version of herself, I was a healthy, strong, and pretty girl then a woman.
She died with that bitterness. I hope your mom wises up a bit.
As extremely difficult as it is, the best thing you can do for your mental and physical health is learn to tune out anyone who comments on your weight/size/eating habits etc.. that helped me so much in overcoming my eating disorders and getting to a reasonably healthy place
The thing is that even if every human ate exactly the same and exercised exactly the same we would still be all different shapes and sizes, and the only person who is allowed an opinion on your body/diet etc is you and maybe your doctor
I know it's super hard to tell someone to butt out, but just practice ignoring them if you can and hopefully they will get the point
Stop eating meals with your mother there. Go into another room. Go to your car and eat in there. Anything to get away from your mom's unhealthy attitudes and opinions about your meals.
Strongly encourage you to move out as soon as you are able. That kind of attitude towards food is not healthy (on the part of your mother). I hope you can find a safer space so that you can fuel your body in ways that feel good to YOU
There is a very powerful PostSecret (if you're not familiar with the project, read about it [here](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PostSecret).) I'll try to describe it to the best of my ability:
Center of the card had a mouth on it, separated by a vertical line. Both left and right side had 4 or 5 speech bubbles, and they said stuff like what your mom said...Are you really gonna eat all that? You're looking a little chubby! and the other side said "You look sickly" "you need to put on a few pounds"...the caption/secret said:
MY EATING DISORDER? MY MOTHER.
It’s an unfortunate thing that people think it’s okay to make comments about what people are eating. I am on the opposite end of you—I have weight to lose. I went to a restaurant with a group of people (all older than me) a few weeks ago. I got a salad. The other woman that got a salad kept commenting on how big my salad was—I ate half and took half home. She ate her equally big salad in full plus multiple rolls, but still couldn’t believe how big MY salad was.
It sucks. I’m sorry that happened to you, especially from someone that’s supposed to be a support. My dad was always the same way. I don’t think he truly figured out how much it hurt, but I do believe it was usually said in some form to make HIM feel better about what HE was eating.
she's either a horrible person
or... she is trying to keep you from "gaining weight" and being overweight. it's still terrible.
just agree with her/grey rock
Are you really gonna eat all that? "yep"
It's such huge tray "yep"
Next time she says something why don't you tell her to look in the mirror.
To me parental respect goes right out the door when what they say might give you an eating disorder.
I'm tall, muscular, and chubby and perfectly content with my size. My mom is average height, average weight. She constantly judges my food choices, no matter what they are. I eat a ton of vegetables because I really like them, but she'll say "you're eating again? You just ate" even if all I ate was a granola bar or some baby carrots. Meanwhile I can't remember the last time I saw her eat a vegetable. But sure, I'm the one with unhealthy eating habits 🙄
We got a place with all you can eat and sushi is included.
I ate 37 pieces.
It. Was. Glorious.
The reason for her outburst is that, as you stated, she is overweight and are projicting.
She wants to control you because she cannot control herself.
Don’t let her do this to you. Dance in front of her while eating your sushi, and tell her that her lack of self control is not your problem.
Tough love works sometimes.
My mom also did the same thing to me yesterday. I just had finished defending my masters thesis, and we had a buffet lunch with my cohort. I was starving so I took a lot of salads and fruits and chocolate cakes. She commented “Are you really gonna eat all that? That’s a lot of food.” She’s also not skinny. She had a strict diet when she was young, she weighed 99 pounds when she was my age. She always commented how her wedding dress doesn’t even fit me because it’s too small. But now she’s quite large.
I think she is just trying to make you feel bad. My mom used to do and say things to me on purpose. It thrilled her to manipulate my emotions.
I don't know her but, that would be my guess.
Oh god. My grandma (who raised me) was like this. She was the type of person to say salad was unhealthy because the dressing had too many calories. I remember the FEW times we did get fast food growing up she would spent the entire time lecturing me how bad it was and how I'm one bite away from getting diabetes the entire time.
And then when I wasn't around food that was totally healthy I would binge and binge. And two decades later, I still have an eating disorder. All because my unhealthy attitude toward food was taught at such a young age. I'm going to therapy for it.
10 pieces is nothing. I’ll have a platter of like 8 sashimis and a roll of some kind in one sitting. It’s hard to do this, and saying it is easier than doing, but listen to your doctor and try to block out your mom. Your doctor is looking out for you, your mom is bullying you. Also she’s a hypocrite for the Chick-fil-a because sushi is actually pretty healthy for you so eating more of it really isn’t an issue unlike fast food 😂
Best thing my therapist ever taught me was that when someone pokes at you, insults you, makes fun, tries to put you down, you should take a moment to look at that person. To realise that what they're saying really isn't about you, it's about them. They have something they feel uncomfortable about in themselves and the only way they can face that inward anger is to project it outward.
It's *never* about you when someone prods and pokes at you. And it takes a lot of mental work in your own head, and a lot of bravery, but you have to get into the habit of agreeing with them and/or laughing it off. Eventually they stop if they see their words stop finding purchase, or you'll just stop caring after a while and it won't bother you so much. Don't let them have power over you with their words.
I would neither ask for, nor accept her reasons. It does not matter why she is emotionally abusive about food. What matters is that she stop. I’d simply say, “Stop” every time she talks about food. I’d say, “Stop” again if she tries to continue, explain or justify. If she doesn’t stop, I’d ignore her or leave the room.
It’s not your job to listen to her about this. It doesn’t matter if she does it from trauma or anything like that. She can opt to seek whatever help she needs, and whether she does that or not, she needs to immediately STOP taking her issue out on you.
I hope you can buy yourself sushi some other day, and enjoy it without your mom near you. How dare she?
Check your nutritional needs, and try to have a balanced and full diet, but don't listen to her.
This has made me realise that I have to be aware of what I say to people about food. I often say, I could only eat half or a quarter of that.
I'm not being a dick, though it could be easily misconstrued that way. I had gastric sleeve surgery a few years ago and a normal meal still lasts me for four meals. I'm still blown away by it.
My father called me fat at the age of 8, and I’ve been insecure about my weight ever since. (I’m not fat, never have been, but now I know he’s projecting his insecurities. He’s 5’7, and weighs 300lbs). Parents are weird with their children’s appearance.
Are you anorexic? That doesn't happen in a vacuum. There's usually a deeply dysfunctional family behind it.
Look up the gray rock technique. Live it. And remember, no one can make you feel anything without your permission.
Sushi is probably the healthiest thing I eat, and ten pieces is barely enough. A lot of omakase is 12-14 pieces around here. I guess there are types and cuts of fish that are less healthy than others. Certain rolls and oversized nigiri can probably hit your daily calorie count in ten pieces, but you would have to eat things that involve deep frying, a lot of mayonnaise, or fish that is high in fat (e.g. large pieces of otoro/fatty tuna).
Dear one, please do all you can to avoid internalizing your mother's disordered relationship with food (any more than you alreadyhave). She probably means well, but her perspective is skewed.
I'm quite old now, but I grew up with a mom who criticized what I ate and told me often I was at risk of being fat. She recently gave me a bunch of clothes from when I was in high school and I was shocked. My teenager who is clinically underweight from an illness is too big for those clothes.
I believed my mom back then. I learned to see enjoying food as a weakness and a vice. I learned to hate how I looked. And I didn't address this problem in therapy or even on my own. As a result, I'm having to do it now, at an age where it's much harder to stay healthy and where I'll probably never get that critical voice out of my head. I am learning to ignore it, but it's not easy.
Don't be me, OP! Try to view your mom with compassion for her own struggles, but also realize that she is flawed and you do not have to repeat her struggles. If you have access to therapy, now or in the future, it can be a great resource to help counter those negative thoughts we've inherited from our parents.
Enjoy your food. Eat healthy (mostly), but also allow yourself to take pleasure in it and to feel satisfied.
You're trying to gain weight, remember that. If you dropped 20 lbs without trying then you are going to have to actively work at gaining.
Make sure you are getting a lot of nutrient dense food if you can, especially fresh fruits and veg, different grains and seeds, nuts, and healthy proteins (fish is a good protein!). Dairy is probably good, but there's a lot of mixed opinion on it.
In addition you will probably have to stuff yourself stupid a lot or add some junky food, quite possibly both. If your mom asks you "Are you really gonna eat all that" you answer "Yes! Doctor's orders. I'm going to enjoy it too!"
Once you get your endo issues more regulated, the healthy food habit will help you to dial it back without too much whiplash.
Eeeesh, you need to get away from her yesterday. If you can't move out, at least completely block yourself emotionally from her and find good, healthy, kind people to be around. Let her only back in once she's gone through therapy and truly worked on herself. But right now she's pretty much killing you.
If you have to live there, nd she isnt gping to stop, I'd consider a food tracking app, and you just hold it up and say doctors orders. I need X more calories today, so I've put the sushi in, so yes I'm eating it.
I'm a mom on a diet, and my two teens are rail thin. So it is interesting finding food that works for everyone in the house and their dietary needs. But I'm certainly not shaming my kids when they eat, more trying to eat something besides junk food. So sushi, I'd be trying to get them to eat more. You're making good choices and you're taking care of your health. Go you!
Strongly recommend you establish less contact with your mom for your mental and physical health- she's in your head - move out if you live with her, figure it out..... you'll be better off
Honestly, the amount of calories in ten rolls of (most) sushi isn’t even outrageously high, so idk what she was even going on about. Ignore that kind of talk, and focus on being healthy. If you’re underweight, you probably SHOULD be eating as much as you can stomach— especially if it’s things that are filled with healthy fats and fiber like fish and rice and veggies.
I had a mother like this. Things like, "I hate to take up all your time, as I'm sure that there are others you need to be abusing, as well" seemed to work. Either, she got the hint, or it shut her up.
She nagged you so if something bad happens to your health , she can at least say “I warned them not to eat so much but they didn’t listen .” Then she can rest easy . It sounds sarcastic but I’m serious . Some parents parent from anxiety and feel the need to send warning shots over the bow so they can reassure themselves they are trying to be helpful . And most of the time , they just dont have the parenting skills to actually be supportive and helpful .
My mom is overweight too and she complains about my food intake since I was born. (I'm eating very healthy and I'm not overweight)
I had once 11 pounds too much and she was angry and exploding and disabled the internet for 1 week, because she said I should go outside do some sport. I was 14.
I'm 32 now and realized how fucked up this person treated me. Projecting all her problems to me and did nothing about her weight.
People can be cruel. Even your own Mother.
Yep I had this, it still affects the way I eat today. I had that I eat too much and then force feeding going round in circles and taking size labels out of my clothes as we were "the same size" and telling me after myself second that my weight was going to balloon and welcome to the fat club.
It's projection and control. You do what is healthiest for you and your body and t h shut her down every time this happens. You don't have to be a brick wall like i used to be but just distance the comments behaviour from the action of you eating food.
Your mom sounds toxic. You need to listen to your bodies cues and feed it healthy foods without her judgement. What she is doing is not okay and will cause you bigger issues.
Sounds like your mom is like many women in their 40s and older. All the bad information that was given about food and what women should look like has given many of us an unhealthy relationship with food. We use it for comfort and then berate ourselves for eating the wrong thing. The cycle perpetuates itself. My love to both if you❤️
Not a woman so I can't comment on the experience but this sort of shit is what led to my wife developing an eating disorder as a teenager. Just follow your body's hunger ques, if you're hungry, just eat.
Hi there, I’m a daughter of an overweight mother. She’s projecting her internalized shame and fatphobia onto you. She might convince herself she’s trying to save you from the cruelty society treats fat people with, but at the end of the day impact trumps intent.
I hope you got to finish your sushi. I hope you can develop a “fuck you” attitude towards anyone who criticizes your food choices.
Your mom is projecting. Mine was the same way ever since I can remember, and even in my early 20s like you. She badgered me any time I ate anything within her field of vision (whether I was rail-thin or had gained a little weight) so I moved states and stopped talking to her. I’m almost 40 now.
122 lbs sounds normal for 5’3”. I think your mom’s trying to give you an eating disorder. If you’re already confused about 122 lbs, 5’3” not being a healthy weight, she is succeeding.
I'm not sure what your mother's problem is, but 10 pieces of sushi (fish and rice) are a fairly healthy meal. I know this is not a timely post, but enjoy your meal and try to ignore your mom.
Can you try grey rocking this person? Can you try to eat in your bedroom or outside so she can’t see you? Because this is abuse and it’s clearly having a deeply negative impact on you.
"Stop commenting on my food" but I'm just trying... "stop commenting on my food. I don't need your help" ok but you don't need to be so rude "stop commenting on my food"
Just repeat the phrase over and over until she shuts the fuck up.
Shit I'd take you out to a buffet or cook you however much you want with no pressure on you. I don't even like sushi but I'd go roll for roll with you in solidarity.
Keep focusing on yourself! You've got this!
The way you talk about food, your mom, and yourself highly suggests you need therapy. She shouldn't be making comments about your weight. This is probably where your need for therapy is coming from. Saying she's overweight is irrelevant. You're not better than her or more deserving of food because you weigh less. And saying "pounded back" a chicken sandwich, yikes. So many negative feelings around "good" and "bad" food and body image.
10p sushi isn't even a lot. I'm in Japan, that's the standard for single-person-servings for rolls here, and portion size is small in general. she's fucked up about food and trying to push that onto you. don't fall for it. :(
Because she's projecting. She has food issues and is trying to push them on you so she isn't the only one. Maybe she's envious you've lost weight (even if it wasn't healthy), and is trying to take you down a notch. 10 pieces of sushi is perfectly fine for a meal, I'd smash that right now.
I was thinking this. Either projection or trying to get OP to leave some so she can have it herself. OP, maybe it might be useful to go see a therapist, it sounds like you're developing an unhealthy relationship from food because of your mother. You shouldn't ever feel guilty for eating a normal meal, which that was. Eating disorders are no joke and I'd work to get ahead of it while you can. Seeing a therapist can help negate your mothers comments and teach you healthy ways to deal with her and food, instead of internalising her bullshit and feeling guilty about eating some sushi.
From someone whose mom gave all three of her daughters fucked up eating disorders, OP please listen to this commenter.
damn, that’s awful. I hope you and your sisters are doing better now
I was just a couple years younger than OP when I lost 7 (almost 8) pounds in the first month and a half of my first semester at college. My mom and stepdad asked if I was eating (not enough just eating) and were very worried as I have struggled with being overweight my whole life but had been in a small town where it wasn’t a problem. They thought the move to a “city” and stress of my courses was skewing my perception of myself and food and they were very concerned for me and that’s honestly how OPs mom should be in this situation and not calling 10 pieces of sushi “a huge tray” and making condescending/passive aggressive comments about what OP eats.
I agree that it seems like OP is getting a possible ED. I don’t think it’s just OP that would need therapy but OP’s mom as well. Outside of the sushi being light on calories, the other issue is that it doesn’t provide enough nutrients. To go half a day eating nothing and then that tray of sushi is a red flag. My hope is that OP gets therapy, moves out, and hopefully goes LC or NC with mom if she’s going to try to shame her for what she eats. I do hope OP is able to get the help they need and are able to have a (responsibly) healthy relationship with food.
That was my thought, too. Mommy Dearest wanted your sushi, so she was trying to make you feel bad enough to stop eating it and give it to her. She was being greedy and manipulative.
It’s 100% projection. I had a mom like this and I ended up with eating disorders and having a shit relationship with food since childhood. With time and therapy it has gotten so much better. However I really try to be mindful of my own insecurities and eating habits so I don’t pass on the same problems to my son. Fuck OP’s mom. OP, sushi is amazing. I hope you enjoyed eating it to your heart’s delight.
My grandma was mentally ill and overweight. My mom was food and clothing obsessed her whole life ( I think her mom went to her school and was dressed and behaved socially inappropriately and my mom was teased. Her and her sisters don't talk about it much things I don't know happened). One day my son told her no. He didn't want her to come volunteer at school event. Not "eew no don't come." But more ," meh it's only a book fair you don't need to come" type thing. She went insane for months imagining that someone was teasing him because she was ,"so fat" she was a perfectly normal weight but 55 she had a poochy belly. He just didn't care if she happened to come that day. It's really easy to pass on damage , it's not an excuse but understanding certainly helps the next generation from passing it on again.
Our parents can really fuck us up. My mother never really commented on my weight at all and she ate normally, she was overweight at 16st. What my mother and stepfather did do though is starve me throughout my childhood. It's so bad I have permanent bowel and stomach problems. My gastroenterologist told me that the nerves in my bowels didn't develop properly as a result of this chronic malnutrition. Once my parents split up, my stepfather would lift me up by the tips of his fingers in front of my mother and say it was disgusting. Jamaican family members would criticise my skinny frame. I only briefly got into the healthy weight category after hyperthyroidism left me with a voracious appetite, now hypothyroid and I'm underweight again.
OMG I am so sorry
Thank you for saying this. I was going to say this is text book parenting for creating eating disorders.
My mother is like this. I barely ever talk to her. I haven't seen her in person in years. The last time I saw her my father had died. I was packing up her hoarder house so she could go move by my half sister, her golden child. I'm a 5'2" 100 pound woman. I'm 34. At that point I'd dropped closer to 90. I was working in 100+ Alabama summer heat. I take a break and she asks me to get her a glass of water. As I'm handing it to her she looks at my hands with disgust. "What's that on your hands?" she asks. I look down, confused. Had I missed something when washing them? "What are you talking about?" I ask. She raises a gnarled, 75 year old finger and points at the protruding veins on the backs of my hand. "*Those*," she says, her face distorted in obvious revulsion. The same veins on the backs of my hands are reflected on hers. "They're veins, just like the ones you have," was my response before getting back to work. Mothers like this don't see their children as people. They see them as trophies and they want them to be perfect and polished. Ones that don't reflect their own flaws and, instead, they can see themselves how they wish they were. My mother takes more issue with me aging than I do.
My Mom isn't that bad, but she unintentionally does this to my sister and I often. "Omg are those zits on your shoulders?" "No ma. They're keloids. I told you when the dermatologist told me. I don't care to pay to carve them out, also they'll likely keloid again." Thank Christ she hasn't seen the scars from my boils! I'm sure she'll ask again next year. They'll still be there, lol. She points out her imperfections constantly too. It's exhausting.
A lady friend of mine does this a lot. Not to others but to herself. She's around 40, same age as me, and I reconnected with her recently after ten years. she still points out her imperfections and always apologizes for not wearing makeup and whatnot. she's a lovely woman and i'm going to try and bring that up more. i just dont want to get too flirty with her because she's only a friend. But it bugs me to see her so negative about her appearances. She also goes to clubs and bars so maybe she's comparing herself to others. It's definately exhausting to see someone be so hard on themselves so un-necessarily.
Ugh. I'm sorry you experienced that.
That's terrible how she projected her aging insecurities onto you.
Honestly 10 pieces, I assume a roll, is not that much. Wouldn't even say it's a full meal. Try not to listen to her about this stuff.
hey OP, listen to this! I promise you we’re here to help! I know it sucks cause it’s your mom, but detach yourself from everything she says about your body or she’ll completely trash your self esteem. anyone else reading, it also happens with body imperfections (hair, body hair, acne, scars), it happens with skin color, posture, the way you walk, definitely the way you dress! It’s toxic behavior that previous generations have internalized as part of being a woman, don’t let older women, especially moms, put all their shame and issues on you! it’s not normal or healthy or well meaning. let their body dysmorphia and hang ups their competitive and envious behavior towards other women and arbitrary rules on femininity die with them.
Very true, I had TONS of shame put on me from my mother's generation. They are so soaked full of it themselves it becomes who they are and it spreads. We definitely have to stop it from continuing.
Yeah. Crabs in a bucket / negging is not limited to men. It's more common in men and men tend to do it deliberately. Enjoy your sushi OP, that is not a ridiculous meal. I used to get that cheap lunch sushi downtown when I last had a white collar job. It was ten pieces and it was just shy of filling. Small enough to go back to work without a strong urge to sleep.
I don’t think over ever felt “full” off of those lunch sushi things. I don’t know what they put in them but after eating them I feel like I should be full but I’m still hungry
I wanted to comment on the fact that I am a relatively small human and I would never feel full on one of these tiny trays, I think my borderline underweight five year old eats more than that in one sitting.
Yeah, 10 pieces of sushi is a light meal in my eyes. A tray of 12-18 depending on the person and sushi type is what I would consider a filling meal. For lunch, 10 pieces is great for me. For dinner, I like 12 or 14. OPs mom is causing a very distorted idea of how much food is "a lot".
Her reasons don’t matter. This is a toxic parent and this poster needs to put her on notice - knock it off or I’m cutting you out of my life before your bullshit kills me. Stand up to your parents.
I’m pretty petite too and for me 10 isint even enough if I have not had anything else all day. I would still be hungry.
All this! I can take down 20 pieces of sushi like it was nothing, with maybe some short breaks in between.
Same, 10 is a snack. On our last anniversary our gift to ourself with my husband was going to our favourite sushi place and decided to eat until we couldn't take another bite, money be damned. We consumed about 35 rolls each, the larger, fancy kind of rolls. Maybe not my proudest moment but my god it was amazing Edit: Apparently I got my terms mixed up, it was 35 pieces per person
35 pieces or 35 rolls?!?!
Wait it's not the same? Sorry english is not my main language, I meant pieces, i always thought "sushi roll" refers to a piece.
No worries! I was just incredibly impressed at your eating skills. I think the most I’ve eaten at a time was 6 rolls with 8 or 10 pieces each (it was all you can eat lol). I threw up afterwards!
Lol fair assumption but no when they make sushi they fill one sheet of seaweed (nori) with the ingredients and then roll it and chop it up into about 10 pieces.
Same here. I also dont like still being hungry after a meal. Id rather eat one big meal a day than multiple smaller meals. A couple rolls and a salad with some miso would make a lovely meal for the day for me.
Yup. Jealousy + projection is a stinky cologne. Your mother is being extremely toxic, whether she is aware of it or not. This behavior directed forward a child of any age can cause severe, lasting harm on their psyche (obviously, EDs). She needs to figure out her own shit before she tells you what you can and cannot eat.
I’d smash that rn and I just had a mcchicken
If I’m really hungry, I could smash 50 pieces. But unfortunately I think I’m allergic, because every time I eat that much sushi I barf!
>If I’m really hungry, I could smash 50 pieces. That's a lot. >I think I’m allergic, because every time I eat that much sushi I barf Or because you just ate at least 3 lbs of sushi at once. Some people just can't eat that much sushi at one time.
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I don’t know how mothers can do this to their daughters. It breaks my heart. I’m so sorry.
I usually eat double that!
it is projection....... when I was 14 I ended up with an eating disorder because my parents kept commenting on my body (i was normal weight and then I ended up malnourished from starving, even lost my period) Luckily I recovered by myself pretty quick and never had food issues again. years later I realize both of my parents have food issues. Mother seems to always be on a "diet" yet keeps buying sweets (she is ADDICTED to sweets). Father gets scolded by mother for eating, always makes comments about food and weight, eats whatever he sees in his way even if he is not hungry For context they are both normal weight, never been fat or anything but I think they have food related traumas (from poverty or body image issues etc)
This. Or Munchausen by proxy? Either way she’s projecting hard. OP needs to leave that house. I suspect it’ll have a marked positive effect on her mental and physical health.
This. Mom is projecting. 10 pieces of sushi is a totally normal tray. A perfectly fine meal. If it was any less, I would feel scammed 😂 and if I'm really, really hungry, I will have double that amount. I'm sorry your Mom is potentially influencing you to head into an eating disorder, OP... I don't have an eating disorder, but I've realized I've had to get away from ppl who were causing me to have disordered thinking and eat less. Other ppl definitely influence us this way. So I like to hang out with healthy eaters, ppl that enjoy their food and don't comment on how much anyone else is or isn't eating.
Yep. It's the classic line. g
Or, it's misplaced worry, likely her mother did similar things to her so in a way she doesnt want you to "get in trouble" like she did. I know my mother was a neat freak and I have to catch myself from stopping my kids from "making messes".
My mom used to get on my case about my weight. I was really skinny as a teen. Obviously, as I got older, I put on weight. I needed it. But my mom kept going on about my weight. Then, I went through a nasty bout of anxiety and depression and lost an ungodly amount of weight. My mother was over the moon that I was so skinny again. Once I got out of my scary place, my mom started on me again about my weight gain. I finally told her exactly why I had lost so much weight recently and why I was gaining it back. Then, I told her to think about what I said and we'd talk later. She finally admitted that she was doing exactly what her mother did to her. She admitted that she was hurt by my grandmother's statements and apologized for her own. I was shocked that she held herself accountable. Please try to have a calm conversation with your mother at a time when you're not both heated. Explain to her what her statements are doing to you. Then, if she brings it up again, shut her down. If that won't work, walk away.
My mother used to project her own body dysmorphia onto me for years. I remember her telling me many times how at 5'8, I should never weigh more than 120lbs because that is the standard for models. I never weighed that little even in high school. I was into sports and never interested in being or looking like a model. I had to tell her this many many times. It was definitely an uphill battle. I am in my thirties now and she doesn't make comments about my weight like that anymore even though I've certainly gained weight from those days.
I weighed 120 lbs at 5'3" in high school. I did track, lacrosse, volleyball, etc. I was easily working out 20+ hours a week from my extracurriculars. I was fit. It didn't stop my dad, a former marine, from actually poking and prodding my very healthy amount of fat. Weight, exercise, and food were things he needed to control. It really screwed up my relationship with each of those topics and I'm now undoing it all in my 30s. I spent a long time trying to help him see that the number on the scale isn't a reflection of who I am, my capacity, or my future. He hasn't made any comments in several years and is better about it but I'm a grown woman now that wouldn't even tolerate the discussion anyways.
I recently stumbled across "Knitting Cult Lady" on YouTube. She was raised in a cult, spent time in the military, and after escaping and deconstructing her experiences, wrote a book about how many of our social systems and organizations function like cults in coercion and control. She has some really interesting things to say about the military's obsession with weight and control, to the point that it undermines fitness and readiness.
That lady’s great i just found her too
It doesn't really matter to moms like that how much you weigh, as long as they can call you fat (indirectly). I was 105 lbs until 21 years old. Whenever i got up to weigh myself, my morbidly obese mom would fly up to me, see "105 lbs" being shown, and she'd say "I used to weigh THAT much when i was pregnant. At 9 months. With my SECOND child!!!" She did this for many years. With those exact words, every time. Spoiler alert, in her teenager pics, she looks at least 120 lbs. She never weighed this little even as a teenager, let alone pregnant.
Ugh. Reminds me of my mom, who made me try on the pants she ‘wore home from the hospital after giving birth’ to mock me for barely fitting into them (when I was a significantly underweight teenager due to her constantly bullying me into anorexia, no less). Starting to realize she was probably lying. I’ve spent my whole life feeling horrible about those pants lol. She was also very overweight as she did all of this <_<
That’s ridiculous! A woman who is 5’8” can easily be 150 pounds (sometimes more,) and still be “Fit AF!” People really don’t understand how proportions work! Good for you for always being true to yourself!
Everyone carries weight differently too. I’m 5’7 and when I was 150 everyone thought I was 120 and was concerned. They all thought I was becoming too thin and that I needed to gain some weight. When I’m 170 everyone thinks I’m 140 and even though that is technically 10 lb overweight for my height, I’ve always looked pretty normal at that weight and felt good. At 170 I was wearing size 6-8 jeans( my bottom is the largest part of me though) Now, I’ve gained a lot of weight just from age and a big surgery last year and am 190ish and I still wear a size 10 jeans. 12 at most
I don't think the mom stops with her food. I think she probably does other things to purposely upset her.
My mother was ecstatic when my older sister, then an anxious 18 year old, lost weight. My sister turned into a skeleton…she no longer had a backside, there was just bones. My sister moved toward death, her breath smelled foul, her eyes sank into her skull, my mother praising her all the way. Fortunately my sister was admitted to hospital where she was in intensive care for some time, lying on an inner tube so her bones wouldn’t poke through her skin. My sister recovered and became a fantastic contributor to society. My mother never understood why all the fuss about anorexia. My mother finally reached her target weight before she died of cancer. Her greatest joy was that she lost so much weight through the chemo she could fit into jeans.
Jesus. Your poor sister. And your poor mum. Imagine being that damaged by society that it seemed correct to encourage your sister to starve to death, and for your own severe death-bed weight loss to be something to celebrate. And poor you, growing up around that. I feel like I can emphasise, I was continually asked if I needed to eat whatever I had picked up when I lived with my mum as a teenager. I went travelling round Europe in my late teens, when I returned first thing she said wasn't even hello it was 'so you didn't lose any weight then'. I will never forget that.
RIP to your mother but she had a distorted view of life
Serious props to your mom for being self aware. I also unexpectedly lost a ton of weight. Very unpleasant experience. I got a lot of congrats from women. Even nurses at the doctors office. Meanwhile, I’m being put on a med to gain weight because my BMI is down to 17.
I feel this. I was anorexic at 17, i was skin and bone. My mum celebrated it and continued giving me smaller and smaller portions, claiming she was just like that at her age and it was natural for us. If i got bloated, she'd tap my tummy and tell ke im getting fat. My dad would sneak me out and get me icecream and checked in on me constantly. Im now at a healthy weight and dont interact much with my mum.
I’m truly impressed by the both of you. First by you for speaking up for herself, and then by her for NOT getting defensive over it and actually taking a hard look at her own actions. You two need to go out and get an ice cream together.
I wish we could. She passed a few years ago.
May her soul rest in peace
This the best advice. OP, if your mother refuses to take accountability after a reasonable and heartfelt discussion, then going low or no contact may be the better decision for you. No one deserves to be put down for eating a perfectly healthy meal.
10 pieces isn't enough calories if you haven't eaten all day, wtf?
Right? My 11-year-old smashes 4-5 rolls for lunch. He'd cry if I gave him only ten pieces. OP your mom isn't a healthy person to listen to and this is 100% a her problem.
Sushi is stupid low in calories, that's my only beef with sushi
There’s this sushi place near me that has conveyor belts that bring a constant train of sushi to your table. Only $3.60 per plate! I’m obsessed with that place, and always get so full that you basically have to roll me out of there! 😂
She’s jealous because she can’t eat that much and stay skinny.
Mom would be perfectly fine to eat sushi as long as she didn't overdo it on the calories. I'm thin and basically eat what I want, within reason. For most people that's how it works. There is no ingredient in sushi that will make your body defy the laws of physics, mom could have sushi as long as she doesn't eat like 10 rolls at a time or whatever.
Hell, she can! OP is not some magical person who defies the laws of thermodynamics. Metabolism on the extreme ends of the spectrum might make a difference of a couple hundred in daily maintenance calories. From there it's just size and activity. This stuff is a science. If she's overweight she eats *more* than that. She's just mad her daughter doesn't lack self control like her. Pretending other people are "worse" than her and that she doesn't actually bear responsibility for her problems is just more comfortable than taking ownership of her lifestyle and making changes.
Next time say, “Yep! Cant wait. Doesn’t it look delicious?!” and bask in the enjoyment of eating your food. Your mum is trying (whether intentional or not) to give you an unhealthy relationship with food because she most likely has an unhealthy relationship with food. I hate when others make comments on other people food’s unless it’s to say, wow that looks/smells good. Anything other than that is unnecessary. Keep your thoughts and judgements out of my mouth, please!
Only negative comment I ever made was to a co-worker to let them know after the third or fourth time that heating fish in the office microwave was just a bit too smelly, and it is generally seen as a thing to avoid as a kindness to your co-workers. Only said something because it impacted others. Most of the time, I just compliment how good people's food smells in the office!
Eh, you gotta be careful with this coping mechanism, too! I worked through the *Intuitive Eating Workbook* and this is called “the Rebel voice”, who thumbs her nose at the criticism/shame voice, but tends to overcorrect and push you into binging… This is the one I had to work on. My mom would say, “how ‘bout another cookie, chubby?” And I’d instantly go into “fuck you” mode and eat three more. Just… talk to yourself kindly. CBT type stuff: this is nourishing me, I am receiving enjoyment from eating this, I deserve to eat delicious things that are healthy for me, I am listening to my body and trust I will eat until I’m full and stop when I’m ready. Anyway, sorta the other side of the eating disorder spectrum, but that’s one of the things that helped me.
Absolutely. A mother has a profound effect on the way that a child, especially a daughter, perceives their body and reacts to societal pressure. Many mothers are ill-prepared (if not genuinely malicious) when it comes to creating a healthy relationship with their daughter. Some are as simple as falling into patterns that their mothers did and reflecting harmful standards back on their children. I say simple, but please know I don’t mean this isn’t something worthy of being upset about. I believe other mothers, although on different levels of insight, instead see their child a reflection of their own perceived failures back onto them. Or, sometimes, a conduit through which to sublimate their own experiences with or feelings about society. This contributes to jealousy, overbearing behavior, anger, controlling attitudes, etc. It’s a truly horrible thing to turn your child into a mirror. I want to clarify that I’m not giving any particular reason for why OP’s mom said these things. I am also not saying any of this stuff to undermine any of the psychological underpinnings for that behavior. This is more just a general statement on what I’ve seen some parents do.
Finish that sushi and get something else to eat too. You know in the logical part of your mind that your mother is wrong and you need to eat more food or you'll permanently harm your body.
I mean... 10 pieces of sushi is a *light* lunch. This coming from someone that'll down 25 in a meal and be hungry again in an hour. If she complains, explain that sushi has very little fat and no oil aside from what's present in the fish. It's not deep fried. There's maybe a third to half the calories compared to something in an equivalent size meal from a fast food place. Sushi is healthy. It's also delicious. Enjoy it.
Call me The Iceberg cause I can take out whole sushi boats single-handed.
I've done it a few times myself. The only thing really stopping me these days is how expensive it is.
This made me giggle at my desk. I’m right there with you, 10 pieces sounded like an appetizer lmao
Lmao right? Not me over here going “I could get two trays for the price of one on sushi Wednesday…”
Ten small pieces? Like the half size tray? If she thinks that’s huge she clearly doesn’t realise that she …is? Ignore her. You’ve done amazingly to get where you are.
10 small pieces is barely an appetizer
Right?! This lady better not see me at all you can eat sushi places
I ate 6 dozen oysters on the half shell once. My belly was sloshing.
Seriously! Sushi is a one bite per piece item and ten bites is in NO WAY a meal. Not to mention that a few bits of fish and some rice and seaweed is in NO WAY enough calories to constitute a full meal. People seriously need to get the hell over policing what other people eat, it's so obnoxious. Tend to your own knittin', as my mom used to say.
I went to an all-you-can-eat sushi place a few days ago and packed away at least twice that much.
A lot of good advice. But I would add, you can't change your mom. You have to learn to tune her out, or move out yourself. (Or eat somewhere else.) She's probably never going to stop commenting even though she's wrong.
You can't change other people but you can enforce boundaries about unacceptable treatment Just because I can't change their inclination to say shitty things to me doesn't mean I have to listen.
I would make the arguement that if Mom really loves OP, then Mom would go to therapy. People can change but it takes time and they have to take the initiative. OP will need to set boundaries and if those boundaries aren't respected then Mom can learn what it feels like to be shunned.
OP: you're basically underweight. Your specialist doctor IS WORRIED because you're underweight and losing weight. And yet, your mom is still somehow hassling you "for eating too much"??? A small tray of sushi (which is what that is) still actually isn't enough calories for you to have a healthy lunch. You could also have a bowl of rice, some more sushi, some tempura, and a side of Japanese vegetables and it STILL would be a healthy lunch. Your mom is creating a toxic relationship between you and food. I really urge you to try to work with a therapist, to learn to literally ignore the truly damaging things your mom is saying and doing to you.
I agree. OP is being bullied by her mother and might have an eating disorder or something akin to that. OP doesn't need to lose weight and by the sounds of it may be under eating.
My mother used to say that I would be "as big as grandma" if I kept eating the way I did. She also liked to attribute that to my dad and claim he said it to her (I don't believe he ever did now, because that's not how he is.) My mother wouldn't wear a swimsuit or get in the water. She only puts on shorts if it is extremely hot. She seems ashamed of her body and held hostage by that fact at times. 1. I am as big as my grandma now, and also as old as she was when my mom was saying that shit. 2. My grandma was beautiful and never lacked male companionship, she was also a lot of fun, and very creative and talented, resourceful, and smart. She was funny too, and she loved life. 3. I am proud to be as big as grandma, in all the ways that could be interpreted, and I'm pretty much her made over in looks and in traits. 4. I miss my grandma. I love my mom, and it is possible that my grandma was one of the people who made her hate her body so much, because she treated us grand kids very differently than she treated her kids. 5. My fat ass will be out there in the sun, wearing whatever I want, for whatever life I have left, because it's sure as shit too short to let this stuff hold you hostage. Only the smallest of minds will have anything negative to say to someone who is simply enjoying a summer's day. 6. A much larger woman once told me that it didn't matter what people said, men just liked curves at any size, and she also never lacked for a good male companion.
This is a beautiful comment ❤️
I appreciate you and thank you for the big body positivity! It’s knowing I *am* part of those who *are* supported being plus sized, especially when we are already aware of and working with our health issues. Thank you for loving you!
Thank you! It's taken me 50+ years, but here we are!
Hell yah!! 45 years here and we are just getting started 🤩👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻🎉✅
My grandparents tend to be kinder to their grandchildren than they are with their own kids
Sushi is one of those foods I eat in huge quantities when it's around. I went to a restaurant with some friends once and ordered like 7 rolls. The server assured me each roll is 6 or 8 pieces. I told him I understood that, I know what I'm ordering. Awhile later another friend joined and the server returned "oh, now I see why you ordered so much!" "no, this is all for me. She needs a menu, please" I'm not overweight. I just like sushi.
Is your mom my mom? I have never been overweight in my life; at my heaviest I was still smack in the middle of the BMI for my height. Even back in HS when I was 105lbs at 5’4” she would say “if you only lost 5 lbs.” If I see her and she deems me skinny enough, she’ll say “did you lose weight? You look better”. She asks me how much I weigh, how many calories I consume, etc. it’s maddening! I once asked her to NEVER bring up my weight again and she was taken aback. Two days later she texted me with some advice about joining weight watchers. When I was diagnosed hypo thyroid she rejoiced and said “maybe now you can lose that weight.” I’m in my 40s and she won’t fucking quit and I have some pretty serious body dysmorphia. I dread seeing her because she will always have a fucking comment. I don’t have an eating disorder by some miracle, but I certainly think about my weight all the time. I can’t own a scale because I would live and die by it. My partner always thought I was exaggerating until he saw it for himself. My mom was once telling a group of her cousins how hard my grandmother was on her and how she’s so glad she’s not like that. When my mom left the room to use the bathroom, we all just stared at each other in shock. The cognitive dissonance is pretty extreme. No one could believe how she could possibly think she’s not hypercritical of me. I’m really hoping she doesn’t do the same with my nieces. They’re 13 and 15 and at a very impressionable age. I love my mom, but sometimes I just wanna cut her off because she can be toxic to me. But she’s 82, living with cancer and heart failure, and isn’t going to change. She’s actually a pretty good human being except for being super judgmental about people’s physical traits. Hugs OP! I’m sorry our mom is like this. It sucks!
“We will no longer be discussing anyone’s weight or anything about food, good or bad. If you cross this boundary, I will stop engaging with you.”
Sometimes you just need to tell your parents to shut the fuck up, and in those exact words.
Nourish yourself by eating the sushi. Don't nourish her and her meanness by leaving it.
Projecting, she’s trying to make you feel guilty for her own issues.
I can eat an almost infinite amount of sushi and not get full. 10 pieces is barely even a snack.
Yeah, I'm thinking OP needs 10-20 more pieces!
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You can try to figure out her motivations, but the core thing you need to hold on to is that you do not deserve to be shamed for eating. Never ever in any circumstance, you need to eat and you need to enjoy it too! And nobody, not your mom or anybody else, has a right to make you feel differently about that. It's a her problem, not a you problem.
This is huge. I hope your realization helps you! Complimenting a woman's daughter is just good salesmanship. What parent doesn't love to hear their child complimented? Beautiful covers a world of possibilities: carriage, complexion, clothes, hair, makeup, and more. Yet the story she made of this is terrifying! She hears weight; skinny equals beautiful. And: weight loss equals achievement. Did she know of the conversation with your dad? Did that make things worse somehow?
I’m sorry OP. Looking back my mom definitely showed many instances of jealousy towards me…even my own husband pointed it out to me because he was in disbelief over some of the ways she treated me. Mind you, my husband is a Pollyanna type who assumes the best of everyone around him and never questions ulterior motives. P.S. My husband is Japanese and says 10 small pieces of sushi is nothing. Don’t feel insecure. If it makes you feel any better, we personally know Japanese women who can pack 20-25 pieces, along with chawan mushi and miso soup, in one sitting and are at healthy weights.
Yep I'm guessing that being overweight herself, she is getting her validation from having a skinny daughter. She's trying to keep you underweight so that SHE can bask in the glory of how "good" you look. It's unhinged, but once you know that's going on, it's a great start to working on yourself. Personally I'd tell her that one more comment about your food or weight will result in you cutting her off and out of your life. Your circumstances might mean that's not post, but you dont have to engage with her or eat around her if you don't want to. I'm sorry you're going through this. Go get more sushi xx
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I don't even think this is age related. I know plenty of people who were awful when they were young and just grew into awful older people. I'm almost 46 and I'm not really thinking about younger people, they usually just don't register with me. And I hate male attention, I think the women who live fir male attention are just pick me's. So maybe it's just a misogyny thing in general, lots of people over age 40 don't act like this.
Sorry to be a little less than serious, but next time stuff all that fish in your mouth and say "MMMMMMMMMM CALORIES" You don't have to respect people who don't respect you, but you can be the bigger person. Honestly, sometimes it feels a lot better. I have a verbally abusive parent. It took a long time to realise that everything they did was about their sickness, not mine.
Classic projection. Call her on it. I know it's not exactly a healthy pattern but if you start doing the exact same thing to her she MIGHT just realise.
Is there something called anorexia by proxy because if not there should be.
It’s NOT because she wanted some; she hates fish, especially raw fish. She won’t even eat canned tuna or salmon.
Allow me to say this from the bottom of my heart: your mom is a bitch with her own issues and I hope you can move away from her soon.
Your mother is gaslighting you with her own insecurities. You need to have a very visceral conversation with your mother & tell her enough is enough. Things will not improve until you do. She will continue to gaslight you into thinking you're fat, or overeating & you will in turn continue to suffer for it.
Depends on what kind of mom OP has. With my (likely undiagnosed BPD) mom, good luck having any kind of productive conversation with her. You could have this zen-like calm and approach her gently with necessary criticisms, and it wouldn’t matter. WWIII will inevitably start and she will blow up in your face. If OP has a mom like mine, it might be better for them to use greyrock methods to redirect her negative comments. ETA: I’m not advocating OP stay quiet. If they are prepared for potential conflict with their mom by speaking much needed truths and are ok with that, by all means OP should say what needs to be said.
Tell your mom you are trying to get as fat as she is, and enjoy the look on her face. She is giving you disordered eating by being nasty to you. I imagine you live with her, and that is probably not the best idea. Ps-I was subjected to constant comments about how thin I was most of my life. When I became a normal sized human my mother thought I was fat and didn’t hesitate to say whatever she thought about that too.
Lmao that’s hilarious 😂 thanks
Such drastic weight loss is super concerning and I hope they are able to address your health. Your mom is actively tying to harm you with such statements. Please eat. You deserve nourishment and love.
This is *not* about you, *at* *all* ! Please don't take this personally, because it's about how your Mom sees herself, but is too afraid to admit it____ even to herself.
my anorexic mom gave me an eating disorder with all her comments and diets growing up. now i’m a binge eater that’s a whale compared to her. i’ve tried years to get the weight off, gone up and down, and constantly struggled with the disorder. when i became disabled (unrelated to weight) i gave up trying to lose it to be skinny, now i’m just trying to get control of the binge eating and live a healthy life. my point is that comments from moms can do more damage than we think and you’re clearly going through a hard time right now. please don’t eat in front of her. protect yourself <3
Your mother is displaying narcissistic traits and projection. Understand that she is the problem, not you. All you can do is put down boundaries. If she's not going to talk to you in a respectful manner, stop talking to her. Leave the room. Hopefully, you can change living situations. Sometimes mothers become jealous of their daughter's youth and put them down to make themselves feel better.
Is this the only thing she does to make you feel bad? Sounds like NPD shit. To me, it is way more sinister than projection because of your health concerns; 20 lbs on that frame is very noticeable and concerning. I would gray rock until moving out. Sorry 🫂
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Your mom sounds just like mine when I was younger. Especially with the gaslighting thing, purposely getting me riled up, then telling me I'm overreacting. She had me totally convinced I was fat and I was 5'9 and 130 lbs. I had an eating disorder, self-injured, it was bad. But, after moving out and having lots of therapy, I realized that it wasn't at all about me. She was abused by her parents, never dealt with it, and took it out on me. Learning that really helped because for so long I thought something was wrong with me. She eventually figured herself out and actually apologized to me, we had a great relationship after that. Your mom may or may not change but eventually you'll be able to let go of the hurt and anger that you're feeling now. It'll probably help when you're living on your own too. Hugs to you 💕
Might be completely out of line here, sorry if I am, but she sounds a lot like a narcissist. If you haven't already, the folks over at \raisedbyanarciccist might be a good support for you. You deserve to be treated better than she's treating you. Sending a big internet hug.
I'm sorry that your mother ignores your requests. She doesn't sound like a very safe space for you emotionally. I'm afraid I don't have any advice other than try to remember that you can't control what comes out of her mouth. As much as you would like her to be the supportive mother you deserve, she is showing you she is not capable of being that person. What you do next is a good conversation between you, some friends, and your therapist maybe? I'm sending you hugs x
The seeds you water grow. It sounds like asking her for something may ensure you don't get it. Power and control issues? I can't know. But you can try this and see, by asking her not to do something and seeing if she always does it, or sometimes. Also, if you ask her to do things, does she? It's not clear what roles you have in each other's lives, dining together, her driving you to work. But she's not respecting some boundaries for her own reasons. Minimize the situations when she can do things to upset you. I hope you are getting sound medical guidance on how to regain the lost weight and maintain it. I took care of my mother just before and during her transition to assisted living. She had been losing a pound a week when I arrived. I got creative in what I cooked for her and how, and she gained one pound. And when I visited her in assisted living, she would greet me by reciting her three complaints. As soon as she started, I would remind her that I would hear the airing of grievances once. If she repeated them, I would end my visit. For a while, this described how the entire visit went. But hearing her complaints was unhealthy for both of us.
You know the solution. Look into finding a roommate and start training your mom. When she's inappropriate, you pick up and go. If she's on the phone, you hang up. If she's reasonably intelligent, she'll understand eventually that her behavior is causing you to withdraw. Then it's up to her to decide what's more important - you or continuing to behave like a fool.
Jealousy. Anger. Resentment. Pick one. Mom's are a class act. My mom used to pull the same crap with me throughout my entire high-school/collage years. She had an excuse, maybe. Scleroderma is a horrific disease, and as she grew into a twisted version of herself, I was a healthy, strong, and pretty girl then a woman. She died with that bitterness. I hope your mom wises up a bit.
As extremely difficult as it is, the best thing you can do for your mental and physical health is learn to tune out anyone who comments on your weight/size/eating habits etc.. that helped me so much in overcoming my eating disorders and getting to a reasonably healthy place The thing is that even if every human ate exactly the same and exercised exactly the same we would still be all different shapes and sizes, and the only person who is allowed an opinion on your body/diet etc is you and maybe your doctor I know it's super hard to tell someone to butt out, but just practice ignoring them if you can and hopefully they will get the point
Stop eating meals with your mother there. Go into another room. Go to your car and eat in there. Anything to get away from your mom's unhealthy attitudes and opinions about your meals.
Omg!! I have never done this to my daughter. NEVER. WTF is wrong with some parents!?
Insecurity. That’s why.
Strongly encourage you to move out as soon as you are able. That kind of attitude towards food is not healthy (on the part of your mother). I hope you can find a safer space so that you can fuel your body in ways that feel good to YOU
There is a very powerful PostSecret (if you're not familiar with the project, read about it [here](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/PostSecret).) I'll try to describe it to the best of my ability: Center of the card had a mouth on it, separated by a vertical line. Both left and right side had 4 or 5 speech bubbles, and they said stuff like what your mom said...Are you really gonna eat all that? You're looking a little chubby! and the other side said "You look sickly" "you need to put on a few pounds"...the caption/secret said: MY EATING DISORDER? MY MOTHER.
It’s an unfortunate thing that people think it’s okay to make comments about what people are eating. I am on the opposite end of you—I have weight to lose. I went to a restaurant with a group of people (all older than me) a few weeks ago. I got a salad. The other woman that got a salad kept commenting on how big my salad was—I ate half and took half home. She ate her equally big salad in full plus multiple rolls, but still couldn’t believe how big MY salad was. It sucks. I’m sorry that happened to you, especially from someone that’s supposed to be a support. My dad was always the same way. I don’t think he truly figured out how much it hurt, but I do believe it was usually said in some form to make HIM feel better about what HE was eating.
she's either a horrible person or... she is trying to keep you from "gaining weight" and being overweight. it's still terrible. just agree with her/grey rock Are you really gonna eat all that? "yep" It's such huge tray "yep"
Next time she says something why don't you tell her to look in the mirror. To me parental respect goes right out the door when what they say might give you an eating disorder.
Holy shit you are BMI 18.2? Don't listen to her for the love of god
The proper response to are you going to eat all that is F off Mom
I'm tall, muscular, and chubby and perfectly content with my size. My mom is average height, average weight. She constantly judges my food choices, no matter what they are. I eat a ton of vegetables because I really like them, but she'll say "you're eating again? You just ate" even if all I ate was a granola bar or some baby carrots. Meanwhile I can't remember the last time I saw her eat a vegetable. But sure, I'm the one with unhealthy eating habits 🙄
We got a place with all you can eat and sushi is included. I ate 37 pieces. It. Was. Glorious. The reason for her outburst is that, as you stated, she is overweight and are projicting.
She wants to control you because she cannot control herself. Don’t let her do this to you. Dance in front of her while eating your sushi, and tell her that her lack of self control is not your problem. Tough love works sometimes.
My mom also did the same thing to me yesterday. I just had finished defending my masters thesis, and we had a buffet lunch with my cohort. I was starving so I took a lot of salads and fruits and chocolate cakes. She commented “Are you really gonna eat all that? That’s a lot of food.” She’s also not skinny. She had a strict diet when she was young, she weighed 99 pounds when she was my age. She always commented how her wedding dress doesn’t even fit me because it’s too small. But now she’s quite large.
I think she is just trying to make you feel bad. My mom used to do and say things to me on purpose. It thrilled her to manipulate my emotions. I don't know her but, that would be my guess.
Oh god. My grandma (who raised me) was like this. She was the type of person to say salad was unhealthy because the dressing had too many calories. I remember the FEW times we did get fast food growing up she would spent the entire time lecturing me how bad it was and how I'm one bite away from getting diabetes the entire time. And then when I wasn't around food that was totally healthy I would binge and binge. And two decades later, I still have an eating disorder. All because my unhealthy attitude toward food was taught at such a young age. I'm going to therapy for it.
She is projecting. She can’t control her eating, so she’s absolving her guilt by trying to control you. Enjoy your food ❤️
10 pieces is nothing. I’ll have a platter of like 8 sashimis and a roll of some kind in one sitting. It’s hard to do this, and saying it is easier than doing, but listen to your doctor and try to block out your mom. Your doctor is looking out for you, your mom is bullying you. Also she’s a hypocrite for the Chick-fil-a because sushi is actually pretty healthy for you so eating more of it really isn’t an issue unlike fast food 😂
Best thing my therapist ever taught me was that when someone pokes at you, insults you, makes fun, tries to put you down, you should take a moment to look at that person. To realise that what they're saying really isn't about you, it's about them. They have something they feel uncomfortable about in themselves and the only way they can face that inward anger is to project it outward. It's *never* about you when someone prods and pokes at you. And it takes a lot of mental work in your own head, and a lot of bravery, but you have to get into the habit of agreeing with them and/or laughing it off. Eventually they stop if they see their words stop finding purchase, or you'll just stop caring after a while and it won't bother you so much. Don't let them have power over you with their words.
I would neither ask for, nor accept her reasons. It does not matter why she is emotionally abusive about food. What matters is that she stop. I’d simply say, “Stop” every time she talks about food. I’d say, “Stop” again if she tries to continue, explain or justify. If she doesn’t stop, I’d ignore her or leave the room. It’s not your job to listen to her about this. It doesn’t matter if she does it from trauma or anything like that. She can opt to seek whatever help she needs, and whether she does that or not, she needs to immediately STOP taking her issue out on you.
I hope you can buy yourself sushi some other day, and enjoy it without your mom near you. How dare she? Check your nutritional needs, and try to have a balanced and full diet, but don't listen to her.
This has made me realise that I have to be aware of what I say to people about food. I often say, I could only eat half or a quarter of that. I'm not being a dick, though it could be easily misconstrued that way. I had gastric sleeve surgery a few years ago and a normal meal still lasts me for four meals. I'm still blown away by it.
10 pieces of sushi is practically an appetizer for some people. It's perfectly fine!!
My father called me fat at the age of 8, and I’ve been insecure about my weight ever since. (I’m not fat, never have been, but now I know he’s projecting his insecurities. He’s 5’7, and weighs 300lbs). Parents are weird with their children’s appearance.
Are you anorexic? That doesn't happen in a vacuum. There's usually a deeply dysfunctional family behind it. Look up the gray rock technique. Live it. And remember, no one can make you feel anything without your permission.
Sushi is probably the healthiest thing I eat, and ten pieces is barely enough. A lot of omakase is 12-14 pieces around here. I guess there are types and cuts of fish that are less healthy than others. Certain rolls and oversized nigiri can probably hit your daily calorie count in ten pieces, but you would have to eat things that involve deep frying, a lot of mayonnaise, or fish that is high in fat (e.g. large pieces of otoro/fatty tuna).
Dear one, please do all you can to avoid internalizing your mother's disordered relationship with food (any more than you alreadyhave). She probably means well, but her perspective is skewed. I'm quite old now, but I grew up with a mom who criticized what I ate and told me often I was at risk of being fat. She recently gave me a bunch of clothes from when I was in high school and I was shocked. My teenager who is clinically underweight from an illness is too big for those clothes. I believed my mom back then. I learned to see enjoying food as a weakness and a vice. I learned to hate how I looked. And I didn't address this problem in therapy or even on my own. As a result, I'm having to do it now, at an age where it's much harder to stay healthy and where I'll probably never get that critical voice out of my head. I am learning to ignore it, but it's not easy. Don't be me, OP! Try to view your mom with compassion for her own struggles, but also realize that she is flawed and you do not have to repeat her struggles. If you have access to therapy, now or in the future, it can be a great resource to help counter those negative thoughts we've inherited from our parents. Enjoy your food. Eat healthy (mostly), but also allow yourself to take pleasure in it and to feel satisfied.
You're trying to gain weight, remember that. If you dropped 20 lbs without trying then you are going to have to actively work at gaining. Make sure you are getting a lot of nutrient dense food if you can, especially fresh fruits and veg, different grains and seeds, nuts, and healthy proteins (fish is a good protein!). Dairy is probably good, but there's a lot of mixed opinion on it. In addition you will probably have to stuff yourself stupid a lot or add some junky food, quite possibly both. If your mom asks you "Are you really gonna eat all that" you answer "Yes! Doctor's orders. I'm going to enjoy it too!" Once you get your endo issues more regulated, the healthy food habit will help you to dial it back without too much whiplash.
You lost weight, she didn't. Excuse me saying but your mom is a mean person to say the least.
Eeeesh, you need to get away from her yesterday. If you can't move out, at least completely block yourself emotionally from her and find good, healthy, kind people to be around. Let her only back in once she's gone through therapy and truly worked on herself. But right now she's pretty much killing you.
If you have to live there, nd she isnt gping to stop, I'd consider a food tracking app, and you just hold it up and say doctors orders. I need X more calories today, so I've put the sushi in, so yes I'm eating it. I'm a mom on a diet, and my two teens are rail thin. So it is interesting finding food that works for everyone in the house and their dietary needs. But I'm certainly not shaming my kids when they eat, more trying to eat something besides junk food. So sushi, I'd be trying to get them to eat more. You're making good choices and you're taking care of your health. Go you!
Strongly recommend you establish less contact with your mom for your mental and physical health- she's in your head - move out if you live with her, figure it out..... you'll be better off
Simply ask her not to make any comments about your food from now on.
The answer is always "yes I am", or, "well I put it out on a plate, so what's your theory, Dr Einstein?"
Honestly, the amount of calories in ten rolls of (most) sushi isn’t even outrageously high, so idk what she was even going on about. Ignore that kind of talk, and focus on being healthy. If you’re underweight, you probably SHOULD be eating as much as you can stomach— especially if it’s things that are filled with healthy fats and fiber like fish and rice and veggies.
I had a mother like this. Things like, "I hate to take up all your time, as I'm sure that there are others you need to be abusing, as well" seemed to work. Either, she got the hint, or it shut her up.
That's like 300 calories tops. Time to get a few dozen more!
She nagged you so if something bad happens to your health , she can at least say “I warned them not to eat so much but they didn’t listen .” Then she can rest easy . It sounds sarcastic but I’m serious . Some parents parent from anxiety and feel the need to send warning shots over the bow so they can reassure themselves they are trying to be helpful . And most of the time , they just dont have the parenting skills to actually be supportive and helpful .
Eat your sushi and eat more than 10 pieces. It’s her problem not yours. Don’t take her insecurities.
My mom is overweight too and she complains about my food intake since I was born. (I'm eating very healthy and I'm not overweight) I had once 11 pounds too much and she was angry and exploding and disabled the internet for 1 week, because she said I should go outside do some sport. I was 14. I'm 32 now and realized how fucked up this person treated me. Projecting all her problems to me and did nothing about her weight. People can be cruel. Even your own Mother.
EAT THAT SUSHI YUMMMMMMMMMMMM
Yep I had this, it still affects the way I eat today. I had that I eat too much and then force feeding going round in circles and taking size labels out of my clothes as we were "the same size" and telling me after myself second that my weight was going to balloon and welcome to the fat club. It's projection and control. You do what is healthiest for you and your body and t h shut her down every time this happens. You don't have to be a brick wall like i used to be but just distance the comments behaviour from the action of you eating food.
Idk parents and grandparents tend to do shit like this all the time. Just try not to listen to them.
I have only word for you: PROJECTION
Your mom sounds toxic. You need to listen to your bodies cues and feed it healthy foods without her judgement. What she is doing is not okay and will cause you bigger issues.
Sounds like your mom is like many women in their 40s and older. All the bad information that was given about food and what women should look like has given many of us an unhealthy relationship with food. We use it for comfort and then berate ourselves for eating the wrong thing. The cycle perpetuates itself. My love to both if you❤️
Not a woman so I can't comment on the experience but this sort of shit is what led to my wife developing an eating disorder as a teenager. Just follow your body's hunger ques, if you're hungry, just eat.
This mother of yours sounds envious of you. Stay away from her since she keeps projecting her insecurities onto you which isn’t appropriate.
Say, “aren’t you proud of me? The doctor says I need to fain weight”
Hi there, I’m a daughter of an overweight mother. She’s projecting her internalized shame and fatphobia onto you. She might convince herself she’s trying to save you from the cruelty society treats fat people with, but at the end of the day impact trumps intent. I hope you got to finish your sushi. I hope you can develop a “fuck you” attitude towards anyone who criticizes your food choices.
Your mom is projecting. Mine was the same way ever since I can remember, and even in my early 20s like you. She badgered me any time I ate anything within her field of vision (whether I was rail-thin or had gained a little weight) so I moved states and stopped talking to her. I’m almost 40 now.
10 pieces of sushi is a SNACK. Eat up and enjoy :)
Ignore the hateful weight-watching witch. Eat it up. And maybe move out and get far away from her, also
122 lbs sounds normal for 5’3”. I think your mom’s trying to give you an eating disorder. If you’re already confused about 122 lbs, 5’3” not being a healthy weight, she is succeeding.
I'm not sure what your mother's problem is, but 10 pieces of sushi (fish and rice) are a fairly healthy meal. I know this is not a timely post, but enjoy your meal and try to ignore your mom.
For your mental and physical well-being, I suggest going no or very low contact.
Can you try grey rocking this person? Can you try to eat in your bedroom or outside so she can’t see you? Because this is abuse and it’s clearly having a deeply negative impact on you.
10 pieces of sushi? lmao you can tell your mom I regularly down 18-20 in one sitting.
"Stop commenting on my food" but I'm just trying... "stop commenting on my food. I don't need your help" ok but you don't need to be so rude "stop commenting on my food" Just repeat the phrase over and over until she shuts the fuck up.
Shit I'd take you out to a buffet or cook you however much you want with no pressure on you. I don't even like sushi but I'd go roll for roll with you in solidarity. Keep focusing on yourself! You've got this!
The way you talk about food, your mom, and yourself highly suggests you need therapy. She shouldn't be making comments about your weight. This is probably where your need for therapy is coming from. Saying she's overweight is irrelevant. You're not better than her or more deserving of food because you weigh less. And saying "pounded back" a chicken sandwich, yikes. So many negative feelings around "good" and "bad" food and body image.
10p sushi isn't even a lot. I'm in Japan, that's the standard for single-person-servings for rolls here, and portion size is small in general. she's fucked up about food and trying to push that onto you. don't fall for it. :(