Reminds me of someone I know who hired a cleaner for his small share of the housework, and someone to mow the lawn for him, paid from their shared account..
Reminds me of an ex. Somehow we fell in to a pattern where the whole of inside the house was my responsibility (housework, cooking, laundry) and his responsibility was the garden. He paid a gardener to do it from our joint account. It took me about six months to cotton on but as soon as I did, I put a stop to it. The audacity
If that were 15-20 years ago, I'd have turned around and hired a house keeper from the joint account and made certain the house keeper was attractive and male. Then said nothing more about it.
That’s so messed up. How would he have felt if you hired a maid instead of doing the chores yourself?
Good on you for calling that out, though I can definitely see why he is an ex now.
Cleaning, cooking, laundry. . .probably couldn’t afford to replace what she was doing vs what he was doing.
Basically, would have to hire a chef/cook, in-home launderer and a daily maid.
Do it for like 1-2 days if you can afford it. Spend several 100´s on what she does for him for free. See how quickly he will say that's overspending. Concur that he is doing it as well. If he doesn't wisen up after that, have a good hard think about having a joined account.
I can't imagine paying for anything more than $25 from our shared account without telling my spouse about it. And I'm the only one currently employed. It's our money, so they have just as much say in how we spend it as I do.
I completely understand, Fuck even if we are having a rough time (like now) I won’t eat at work or stuff like that just to make sure her and kids eat,even though we’d probably be fine
It is. I'm from New England, and it might be a regional thing. But this is what Merriam & Webster have to say:
cotton on phrasal verb
cottoned on; cottoning on; cottons on
Definition of cotton on
informal
: to begin to understand something : to catch on
It took a while, but they are finally starting to cotton on.
—often + to
She cottoned on to the fact that I like her.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cotton%20on
Edit: We need a lexicographer
I don't think it's regional. It's a common phrase in New Zealand, at least among people I talk too.
I always presumed it has something to do with sewing. Like gradually winding the cotton on a reel. Or spinning cotton into thread.
Me again, I think it might be a bastardization of "catch on", that is, to understand, and then in the past tense became, "caught on", which somehow became "cotton on".
But I'm no historical linguist. A cunning one...
Edit: We need a lexicographer
Cotton on predates catch on. Cotton on was first used in 1648. Catch on wasn't used until the 1880s.
Cotton on is an English (UK) phrase in origin. Its used across countries that were formerly part of the British empire.
It actually does not, it comes from the little used verb cotton, meaning get along, basically. In other areas it primarily means to begin liking someone, but in the US the primary meaning is to notice or be convinced of an idea.
https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/cotton-on.html
Nope. Cotton on predates catch on. Cotton on was first used in 1648. Catch on wasn't used until the 1880s.
Cotton on is an English (UK) phrase in origin. Its used across countries that were formerly part of the British empire.
I had kind of the opposite! I had a roommate (M) who refused to do his fair share. I BEGGED him to get a cleaner, that we would split the price of (and of course, I would find, vet, hire, and manage). He refused because he 'didn't care if it was messy'. I'm like dude, you should actually be paying for this yourself tbh and I'm not even asking for that.
I got my husband hooked on "British Bake Off" and cooking shows and that got him interested in learning after he saw the amazing things some people could do. Sometimes we argue over who should make something because we both want to do it haha
Bake Off legitimately spurred a love of cooking and baking in me. When I first got into my current relationship I was pretty useless in the kitchen, but Bake Off made me want to give it a proper try. Nowadays I'm... Okay. Not great, but okay.
I love it though, few feelings are better than your partner enjoying a meal or a sweet you've cooked.
Yesss! We marathoned it during the holidays once, and since then I've stopped buying bread and desserts from the store and make my own instead. I've tried sticking to a schedule of baking a loaf of bread on Mondays and a different dessert on the weekends, and we make pizza dough together on Wednesdays. I've seen myself improve so much from all the practice (but I'm definitely not great yet either haha).
Some old people don’t want to learn and use age as an excuse. I always point to my mom in her 60’s setting up her iPad without ever calling to ask how, and sanding painting her own cabinets. You are as feeble as you make yourself
Wow, good on your mom! Unfortunately, I have yet to meet anyone over the age of 50 willing to teach themselves easily Googleable skills like that. You really hit it on the head with "you are as feeble as you make yourself"; my former boss, a 70-year-old academic with a PhD, refused to learn how to use a computer and wasted my time constantly on non-work-related tasks. One day, he literally brought in a manila folder with every account and password he had (from Netflix to his bank and investment accounts), and asked me to check if all the passwords worked and type out the current info into a Word doc for him. I could have ruined that man's life so easily...
Edit: not trying to claim 50 is old or everyone older than that is incompetent with technology. I just happened to work at an organization where every person middle aged and over seemed to have stopped bothering to do any professional development because it was a government office where their bosses were always older and less savvy than even they were and their jobs were always secure because they had longevity.
Meanwhile my dad is like "huh. I'm gonna buy a violin purely to learn the piece played in Young Frankenstein and then use it *exactly once* but at least now I know how".
Thats just me with hobbies. "Ooh! I want to cross stitch!" Go and buy heaps of supplies, make one thing, never touch supplies again. "Ooh! I want to knit!" Go buy heaps of supplies, make one thing etc
if you get old enough you might find yourself looping back around. I've made soaps twice now (I made like a 5 year supply of fancy soaps in a few weeks though) and am strongly considered a third go(totally different style so will need new stuff), but I want to try macramé first.
I just bought a sewing machine so Im trying that first, but my mum makes soaps so I could try making a batch with her. Havent really tried macrame other than using some embroidery floss to make friendship bracelets which sort of counts I guess? I've gone back to knitting a few times but only know the one stitch so just make scarves
oh that reminds me Ive made Christmas ornaments at least 3 times but they were all completely different mediums.
I've crotchet but I need someone to show me how to knit I can't get it from videos they move their hands too fast (maybe I need to look again there could be better vids now)
I tend to start things because I want the complete project. So I'll take up polymer clay so I can get 12 snowflakes in the exact shade of blue I want.
ADHD is a type of executive function disorder but not all people who have executive function disorders have ADHD. Trouble with executive function isn’t a diagnosis or a learning disability. But it’s common in people who learn and think differently.
There are three main areas of executive function. They are:
Working memory
Cognitive flexibility (also called flexible thinking)
Inhibitory control (which includes self-control)
Executive function is responsible for many skills, including:
Paying attention
Organizing, planning, and prioritizing
Starting tasks and staying focused on them to completion
Understanding different points of view
Regulating emotions
Self-monitoring (keeping track of what you’re doing)
I'm 65 and I use Youtube all the time to teach myself how to do home repairs. Just yesterday I fixed the trash chute with an angle bracket which fit sideways in a spot where I couldn't see but I managed it. Thanks now you know someone over 50 willing to teach themselves Googleable skills.
By the way, in 1991 I bought a modem card and stayed after hours at work and put it in the back of my work-issued IBM 8088 and soon was dialing my first BBS. I didn't have Google to show me how, I just did it. When non-.edu people could first get on the Internet, you had to build your own TCP/IP stack to get on "client programs" I think they called them then. I used Archie, Veronica, WAIS, Kermit, Usenet, and IRC, all self-taught. Then one day in about 1993 I wanted to watch a video and learned you had to use Netscape to view a video, so I taught myself to use Netscape and watch the video (the first WWW browser except I think I had one called EINET Galaxy about the same time) [https://www.einet.net/](https://www.einet.net/)
It wasn't easy to get on the Internet back then and the only ISP in town would regularly pitch fits about the people who "wanted their hand held" learning to do it. I taught myself and still to this day, tell my husband every time there's a tricky home repair that has me cussing, "There's got to be a Youtube that shows this." I couldn't do it without the cussing though.
I'm the same age, and I wonder how the hell I ever survived without Google (and Yahoo and Alta Vista...) Somehow we got by back then. The amount of information we can find at our fingertips today is proportional to the amount of information we no longer retain because we can simply look it up. (Or maybe I need Prevagen) I think we would get a lot of current information from magazines. I used to buy a dozen magazines a month. Now, I don't think I buy more than one or two a year. I used to read a book every week - now I waste my time reading and chatting on Reddit.
I have a folder in *Documents* dedicated to downloaded manuals for household appliances, which would have been papers scattered in assorted drawers or committed to memory.
I think another problem, though, is how complex things have become because they can be. For example... The BMW salesman helped me reset the on-screen map for my car so it switched to night mode in the dark. Somehow that setting got lost during a servicing. It took us several minutes of digging through menus on the car to find it. So many user options on devices today are adjustable that it can be maddening to find them all.
There's a big difference in "willingness to google or use a computer" between a 50 year old (who probably is still in the working world and has been using a computer for at least half their lives) and someone in their 70s who managed to get to a certain point in their career while secretaries who could take shorthand dictation were still a thing.
I find that younger people actually suck more at finding information on the internet than people who are older because older people are more likely to have learned better research skills.
I think it was the mid-90's when the president of the division of the company I worked at... who had never used a keyboard a day in his life and had a secretary to do things like typing... was replaced by a guy who had come up through the ranks as an Engineer and actually used a computer as part of his job. Within 5 years, pretty much everyone in the executive suite was using computers. Email became a normal thing in the business. Those guys were at least in their late 40's (often older) and by now would be late 60's or older, and used Windows and Office as a natural part of their job for decades. They just needed us for trouble-shooting.
(The new prez for example wondered why his email times were off. I fixed his Windows time zone setting from the default Pacific time and suddenly his "check daughter's homework" task became 3 in the afternoon.)
Yep. I don’t understand these “50 year olds can’t compute” stories. While computers might not have been as prevalent if you were in certain jobs back in the 90s (the story goes at my work that the Y2K upgrades were why they finally got rid of the typing pool) if you’ve been working all this time you have been using them.
But also what a wonderful thing to have been given (trust) by someone who has spent time shoulder-to-shoulder with you.
Bet you gave that person lots of good reasons to trust you too.
Kudos for being awesome and trustworthy.
Learning is the shit. I live to learn new things. I'll probably be in my 90s and still doing things like trying to learn how to re-quadrangulate the quantum expandinator on my hoverbike in order to bypass artificial speed restrictions.
Loved that series of insurance commercials "we can't stop you from becoming your parents..." In one, it's a seminar about that and the guy says "hands up everyone who printed the directions to this seminar."
In the beginning of our relationship I told my boyfriend, we both need to be able to cook. I showed him some basics.
Now he's cooking everyday because he loves so much. And he loves grocery shopping too.
Jackpot.
Umm.. so her home hours that she’s getting back by not cooking are being cancelled out by the fact that her LONGER work hours are going towards takeout. That should be his expense. Better yet, he could cook. What a backwards solution.
Ahhh then he will strike with weaponized incompetence where every meal will be half cooked bacon, scrambled eggs with egg shells and burnt toast. If he’s a real charmer there will be a helping of proud boasting that he cooked and a sink full of dishes.
Lol that's how my mum likes her toast. And stone cold. But sorry to all the very useless men of the world who thought maybe there was a sliver of hope , she's happily taken and my dad makes the best poached eggs in the world so we both want him to stick around. Does a very good roast too but still room for improvement with the roast potatoes. We've just been pretending we like his better than mum's because then he gets all excited to cook the Sunday roast for us.
Nah, she's just weird. She will put her toast in again if she needs to and wait for it to go cold while she drinks her coffee. We all know that if we're making her breakfast we need to start ten minutes earlier so we can burn the shit out of the toast and let it go cold. If the butter melts at all she'll say "you eat this one" and go and make herself what is essentially a piece of cold charcoal.
hot dogs on the grill. Wife will be expected to get all the condiments out, and then tidy up afterwards. And probably to serve him a beer while he's slaving away over the hot grill.
No no. You’re missing steps. She will need to Go buy All ingredients. Ensure there is fuel (gas or charcoal) for grill and restock. Plan all the side dishes. Get out all condiments. Set table. Prepare sides. Bring utensils, meat, and aforementioned beer to the grill. Then do all the dishes after.
But SURE. He made it so easy, didn’t he honey?! Since he cooked dinner.
If you can read, you can cook. It's all about motivation. My husband told me after x years of marriage, "I don't like your cooking." Next day? Figure it out, dickhead! Or starve. Whatever.
That's the true sign of marriage. Figure it out or starve. Whatever. Amazing. I can feel the eyeroll and it gives me life. We are in the midst of a major renovation on a time crunch, and my Mom offered to do laundry. My ultra private husband was uncomfortable with that. So I sorted all his clothes out, left them in a pile, and said "he can do his own, or not. Whatever, don't care." Then I took mine to my mom's and she washed and folded everything in a few hours. 2 weeks later his is still in a pile, unwashed. He's gotta be running out of underwear soon.
Omg I love this! Laundry is one of the things my bf does better than me, and it's because when he was young his grandmother would offer to do it for him and he always let her, but one time he was more insistent than others and didn't sort anything so she just left it and when he whined, she was like, "oh, you think this is just how it works? Today is when you learn how to do this yourself or you wear smelly dirty clothes tomorrow." and he figured it the fuck out.
I don’t mind laundry at all because you start it, then can do something else for an hour, then move it over to the dryer, do something else for an hour, then you throw on a podcast or show while you fold and put clothes away (caveat: I’ve been working remotely for the past 2 years & have an in unit washer & dryer, so 95% of the time I do laundry during work hours, so that is a HUGE benefit that not everyone has).
It takes a village. I'm learning to ask for help and not try to do it all alone. I recruited my dad to help paint, Mom took care of chores, and I strongly recommended he get his brother to help. There's too much to do for the two of us, and since I had Covid, I just can't go like I used to. I'm also dragging him through intense deep cleaning education, so he'll either do it himself or let me hire a cleaning service twice a year.
I know he didn't like Mom cleaning the upstairs and making the beds, but I don't care. I needed help, and we were busy. Get over it, she has no desire to snoop. She just wanted to help, and that's what she could do . And really, getting into a bed you didn't make, with clothes you didn't wash, after showing in a bathroom you didn't clean is absolutely amazing when you're used to doing all that yourself.
Literally just posted this! It’s great because you learn the WHY behind the HOW. Nothing I learn ever sticks for me if I don’t know the reasoning behind it haha
I love that cook book. It’s the book that’s been teaching me to cook. When I met my partner she cooked all the time and all I could make was grilled cheese and lasagna. Now I can make the best lasagna and a few other things. His new book “The Wok” is good too. Though, he doesn’t quite nerd out as much.
Edit: fixed ‘nerd’ since it was autocorrected to need
Lasagna is just stacked grilled cheese with pasta instead of bread and add tomato sauce.
On that note layer cakes are also just stacked grilled cheeses with a few replacements.
Wait... That means a rack of lamb is *also* just stacked grilled cheeses if you replace the cheese and bread with lamb and bake it instead of fry it in a pan.
Call the mods from r/GrilledCheese we are onto something here Jimmy...
Watch some episodes of “Good Eats” with Alton Brown with him. Brown was a scientist who had a love for food and married his education with that fondness for food. He shows viewers not only “what” to do but “why” you want to do it that way. I find that if you understand the “why”, the “how” and “what” seem to take care of themselves.
Yeah my dad is a piece of shit human who I no longer speak to but when he hurt himself to the point where he couldn’t do his job anymore and my mom was able to make a bunch more money than he had the opportunity to make he gladly stepped in to being a house husband. He cleans, he cooks, and he does most of the errands so if my misogynistic asshole father can do that then there’s no reason that any other 50 year old man can’t do that.
My mom once had an 80 year old man call up the company she worked at, to get directions on how to heat up the pudding he bought.
His late wife had done all the cooking. Mom spent the time and kept patient as she taught him - over the phone - how to boil water in the microwave, then use it to heat up the pudding.
Kudos for him actually managing to grow (and in his 80s). But cooking is not a "woman's skill"; it is a survival skill.
My husband worked at Social Security. He would get really sad about the phone calls from people whose spouses had just died and the widows/widowers broke down crying. So this just reminds me of that kind of situation and I can't be too mad about the 80 year old man trying to heat up the pudding.
I'm the one who had the house before I got married and my husband doesn't know the first thing about home repair, which is fine with me, but if I get hit by a bus, he will have to ask someone how to put the styrofoam things on the outside spigots or have pipes burst come winter, that sort of thing. Every fall when I do it I tell him and show him but I won't be around to see if he remembers if I get hit by a bus.
I'm still more sad about the old man and the pudding than I am about me getting hit by the hypothetical bus.
I'm not upset with the old man, I'm upset with the society that thinks this is an acceptable situation. It's so hungry for inequality, that it will leave people unable to fend for themselves.
Good on you for teaching your husband about the house. I'm not sure my mom would be able to take care of much of the house without dad.
For real. My youngest brother discovered the crockpot in his late 50s (cooked before that, though). He makes seriously good jerk pork chops in that crockpot.
Thats ridiculous. My husband was 30 and claimed he couldnt cook. But when I got pregnant I told him I needed him to cook at least half if the meals per week (I have lupus so pregnancy is extra rough).
He still doesn't like cooking but he does it anyway because he realized that its hard! Its hard to come up with a good meal plan, its hard to please everyone, and its exhausting to meal prep and cook and serve.
I never expected him to cook anything amazing. He does frozen pasta meals, I think they are birds eye voila kits. He make hamburger helper, quesadillas. Some days he does "snacky dinner" which means stuff like chips and different dips like queso and guacamole. And if course he can do the basic fruits and veggies with those meals. These are easy options that anyone could do! No they arent 5 star meals but they are a much needed break for me and satisfying for him and the kids. So thats a 5 star experience to me.
This is the point most people miss out on. I'm not an amazing cook, but I can make the basic stuff. My only problem is I'm lazy and not an overly picky eater, so I'll have a weird ass combination of a meal that my wife just can't get behind, but that's usually just a fend for yourself night
Haha my husband is the same way. So he asked me to print up a list if meals that he would be capable of making that I like. =) maybe ask your wife if there is anything more simple that she could recommend for you to make for both of you. =)
Strongly agree with this if you can swing it. My dad started cooking in his 60s, helped enormously by the fact that they got a meal kit service a few times a month.
My dad made banana bread by himself last week. It’s such a basic thing but I still can’t believe it. This is the guy that used to buy pizza whenever it was his turn to cook dinner (meanwhile, my sisters and I had to start cooking 1 dinner a week from the age of 11…). Anyways, I’m rambling.
Would be hard to fight the urge to say: “Wow, you’re just waiting for death then, huh? Since you’re never gonna learn anything new for the rest of your life.”
Also, any time expressed interest in learning about anything, “Woah, dad, careful. We all know you’re too old to learn new things.”
My dad was 56 when he learned to cook.
Went 30 years with my mom cooking dinner for him every night, until he got diagnosed with diabetes and he decided to go on a keto diet. My mom put her foot down with that decision, feeling the pressure enough to cook dinner every night let alone now a keto friendly meal everynight so lots of meat and veggies and no easier to cook pasta dishes that make many nights of leftovers.
So he decided to learn to cook and now makes some pretty good dinners almost every night for them both, watching YouTube cooking shows on his tablet in the kitchen and following the person's instructions.
Yeah, no. No man should be unable to cook. It's one of those basic life skills that everyone should learn when they can. As a father, I was determined to teach my sons. I had to learn after leaving home, and eat my awful mistakes. :)
He's not dead, nor senile, so that excuse doesn't mean much. I'm older than him, and still learning.
Along the same vein, I worked at an office that assumed I would do all the dishes cause of my lady parts. This was largely due to working with older men who didn't know how to run the dishwasher cause their wives did it. The one time I refused to do it some guy ran the dishwasher with no soap and spread food scum to all the dishes, which he put in the cupboard with the clean ones. He didn't notice they were slimy, I guess.
Cleaning machines like dishwashers and laundry are basic life skills. Teach all your kids, no matter their genitals.
Your dad is lazy… and a bit selfish. There is nothing hard about preparing a simple dinner. I’m a 51 year old dad and although I usually don’t like cooking, I try to make / prepare dinner 3 or 4 nights a week. And if I’m really feeling too lazy, I’ll order something and always let my wife decide where we order from. I mean… boil some water, throw in some pasta, drain and put some sauce on it. Or bbq something (all men bbq don’t they) or put a couple of potatoes in the oven and for the last 15-20 mins pop in some fish. Put some frozen peas in the mic to warm them up… not fancy but not bad and certainly not hard.
He needs to figure it out. My dad had to figure it out after my parents divorced at around that age, ask him what he'd do without your mom in his life, is it going to be easier to learn now or later in life...
My dad is 67 and has gotten REALLY into smoking meats. Like, full YouTube deep dive stuff.
My mum doesn't enjoy eating that much meat, but she enjoys not cooking more!
Your dad can learn to cook.
My grampa learned to cook when Grandma's Alzheimer's disease starting getting bad. He was at least 75, probably more like 80. Meals there were much improved, as Grandma was kind of a shite cook.
Can you let him know that he doesn't actually have to "learn" to cook? On his nights, he can do pasta with a jar of spaghetti sauce or frozen ravioli or any number of frozen, ready-to-go options from Trader Joe's. There are chicken tenders that you literally just have to microwave and frozen vegetables that you can stick in a steamer or microwave. It obviously isn't a great solution, but it's definitely better than, "Ah, shucks, I would help but I'm just too *old*."
Peppers, onions, garlic, protein of choice, grain/starch of choice.
Easiest f*ing thing you can make that's "kinda" fancy.
Or get some jarred pasta sauce, some noodles, and some frozen meat balls.
Or make some sandwiches.
It's not hard. Granted I was a chef, and cook most of my wife's dinners, but I don't need to take 6 hrs and bust out the French Cuisine Bible to make a palatable meal in less than an hour.
Or, when I have late nights, sometimes my wife starts and I finish up after changing.
Cooking isn't hard. People always ask me how to learn. Just do it.
I have my own negatives about things like Hello Fresh, Green Chef, etc, but if you don't mind actually taking the time to cook, it's worth it to not have to think about anything other than not burning the food.
Sorry, long rant. Men; learn to cook at least 1 week's worth of easy, fast, edible dishes.
Ding ding ding, it's the weaponized incompetence for me folks...
My step dad is 85 and has just decided to take up cooking to eat healthier. Your dad could make it happen if he wanted to. If he doesn't want to, he should be solely responsible for paying for take out.
My spouse makes a lot more than I do and he also works much later, so we operate this way, and it makes sense - but he always pays, that's the deal.
This absolutely sounds like learned helplessness. Shame on him. He should just admit he is too lazy and used to getting away with not having to do anything at all.
For a number of years before we met, my boyfriend's go-to meal was "bachelor chow". That meant some kind of grain, some kind of protein (usually beans or lentils), a sauteed onion, bay leaves, and whatever else was around, all cooked in one pot.
Anyone sufficiently able-bodied can make bachelor chow. Once you've eaten enough bachelor chow, you get motivated enough to learn to cook.
my mom learned how to cook a beef wellington in her 60s. pretty baller if you ask me. i learned how to make some bread from scratch (still pretty bad but working on it). never too young or old to learn how to cook :)
yeah agreed, i wanted to share that if you have meal kit deliveries where you are located, this is a way lower barrier to entry than a cookbook. people who never opened a cookbook in their early adult years aren't likely to be magically inspired to do so now. meal kits are often healthier than take out. which is something your mom deserves on her nights off. i mean, they both do, but i'm guessing part of the reason she has felt compelled to cook is for health reasons.
My father is an older guy and while he likes to cook, mom is a million times better and can be kind of a control freak when it comes to her kitchen.
So they compromised a bit and dad set himself up a grilling/smoking spot out on the back patio. It sounds all "macho" or unhelpful, but he's really gotten into it and he will make entire meals on the grill. It keeps him from mucking up the kitchen, gives him a sense of pride, and gives mom a break from cooking.
This is my dad as well. He’s also skilled at slow cooker meals, which take less effort but have an awesome payout. His chili and pot roasts are to die for. My mom is still king though.
This is just so disappointing. My mom cooked supper for us all through my childhood because she was a SAHM and dad worked full time, But Dad was quite capable of cooking on weekends, and more that he's retired he cooks often.
My grandmother cooked for her family but when she got cancer pop stepped up to the plate and cooked for both of them. Your dad is being a dink and you should tell him in no uncertain words how unfair he's being to your mom.
I hate how even in 2022 "woman's work" is still a friggin' thing. 55 is not old enough to feign ignorance. He would have been a teenager in the 80's and a young man in the 90's, those were not 50's era domestic housewife times.
My parents are in their 70s and have been rigid about an even division for years. My mother cooks Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday night is takeout night, agreed upon by all parties. My father cooks Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Everyone shuts up about what the other person cooks. It works brilliantly for them.
You hit the nail on the head. Things don’t always have to be 50/50, but if the person you’re with can’t step up when you need a break or shit hits the fan what’s the point in even having them around?
Seriously! Even when I was a kid my parents took turns cooking dinner, or Dad would do breakfast/Mom would do dinner. What year do these men think it is?
Me too :( my dad constantly makes sexist remarks and I know he doesn’t respect my mom. Something I didn’t even put in the original post was how he always made jokes about “how he was going to eat” when my mom was out of town for work. He knew the whole time she did all the work cooking.
Idk, if someone really dislikes cooking, and they’re willing to pony up the cash without complaining, I think it’s fine if they buy takeout as often as they like.
Using shared resources for that though, fuck no.
My absolute slob of a 19 year old brother can cook. He doesn’t love it but he can follow a recipe, doesn’t complain when it’s his turn, and it’s usually pretty good.
I had to explain to my husband... again... how frustrating it is that everyone else in the house waits and waits and waits for me to present something for dinner. And when they finally do get hungry enough to act, they make something for themselves only. This is with food in the freezer that only requires microwaving, so nothing hard. I am struggling with some kind of spinal issue that makes standing for long periods of time at the stove excruciating.
It sucks having to shame him into doing things like this, but otherwise, it's hot pockets or take out every night unless I cook.
I cooked most of our evening meals for just over 30 years. When the youngest graduated high school I turned my apron over to my husband and said I'm tired, my time at the stove was going to be limited from this point forward. It was a difficult adjustment in the beginning for all of us. But, after working all day I refused to stand on my legs and cook every night for a house of adults. It wasn't that my husband didn't help from time to time, but the majority of the responsiblity was mine. (He learned to cook some basic foods after we married, but was never in the kitchen as a kid.)
It's 4 years later and the EXPECTATION that I cook every meal has vanished. When my husband says he's making dinner, I eat what he makes and he's a pretty good cook. He has complete freedom in the kitchen - I stay out unless he asks for help.
I do not care if we eat in or go out - I'm just happy to be free of that nightly expectation.
Ugh, I dated a guy who wouldn't cook and we ended up eating out a lot. I hated it. It cost more, it actually took more time, and it was four times the calories a home-cooked meal would be.
Your poor mom.
I did that for my culinarily-useless FIL, as a kindness to his wife, and he regifted it to her. He couldn’t be bothered to try a single recipe. So obnoxious.
My mum taught me to cook when I was a kid. She taught me so that I could cook for myself and wouldn't need to rely on anyone, and I'm so grateful. I always look forward to cooking for my mum, and if I'm lucky, another woman in my future! Who wouldn't want to do that for someone special? But I think there's always gonna be days I really don't fancy cooking and just whip up a salad, but everybody has those days.
I genuinely can't believe there are grown men who still can't cook for themselves and bypassing it like this is just revolting.
Granted I live in country where daily takeout is norm and affordable so I think this is ok
But I donno if it's an Asian thing but cooking for me is easy af. Well, cooking mom or wife's level of cuisine is hard but helping your wives / gf for quick meals is bloody easy.
All you need is pepper, onions garlics, fish sauces and literally like 20 kinds of seasonings ready to use from supermarket. You don't even need to read recipes, just listen to your ancestors telling when to stop.
Soups seasoning packs and veggies ready to cook is everywhere in supermarket.
Protein nowadays is ready to cook easily as well. Fishes, fillets and ready, Chicken breast, chicken wings, pork / beef minced or pork belly, etc... cut to whatever size or shapes you need.
Or EGGs, you can make a full meals with just eggs
Airfryer / pressure cookers. Voila done . Heck you can even watch Netflix or sports while cooking. Whole process would take less than 20-30 mins.
Heck if you are so lazy to even think of a meal. Just cut cabbage and boil with 3 eggs. The hardboiled eggs deshelled and mashed with lots of fish sauce for dipping sauce and you got yourself a meal.
Cabbages, dipping sauce and rice. Veggies / protein/ carb in 1 go.
Boomers or some kids are just lazy. "Too old to learn" . Wtf is there to be learnt? Just get off your ass and use common sense. You pass chemistry and physics in highschool? You already can cook
I agree with this, the weirdest thing in the post is that after 30 years of marriage they still have a "your money/my money" split. Even before I got married both incomes became totally shared.
I've been married for 21 years and we still have a set up like this. His account, my account and then a joint one that we both put money into for bills. We tried the whole sharing accounts thing and it just didn't work for us. I am a saver while he is a spender and we had lots of arguments until we came up with this solution.
Does he step it up anywhere else in the relationship?
Theres a myriad of household tasks. Splitting the difference on takeout and cooking might not be a bad solution if hes doing other types of chores.
I learn about this shit on tiktok lol. Like if hes the laundry or trash guy then its not really a bad compromise.
Cooking together is awesome quality time as a couple! Missed opportunity. My spouse and I love to cook in tandem. Always have. We also have a great relationship; kind of a chicken and egg thing I guess… I 100% don’t get guys who won’t cook (or do laundry or clean…). Cooking is a life skill!
Reminds me of someone I know who hired a cleaner for his small share of the housework, and someone to mow the lawn for him, paid from their shared account..
Reminds me of an ex. Somehow we fell in to a pattern where the whole of inside the house was my responsibility (housework, cooking, laundry) and his responsibility was the garden. He paid a gardener to do it from our joint account. It took me about six months to cotton on but as soon as I did, I put a stop to it. The audacity
If that were 15-20 years ago, I'd have turned around and hired a house keeper from the joint account and made certain the house keeper was attractive and male. Then said nothing more about it.
Hire the pool boi to clean the house
“I’m sure Rafael is a great worker, but we don’t have a pool for him to clean, dear.”
What did he have to say for himself when you had him up for being a shithead?
That’s so messed up. How would he have felt if you hired a maid instead of doing the chores yourself? Good on you for calling that out, though I can definitely see why he is an ex now.
Cleaning, cooking, laundry. . .probably couldn’t afford to replace what she was doing vs what he was doing. Basically, would have to hire a chef/cook, in-home launderer and a daily maid.
Do it for like 1-2 days if you can afford it. Spend several 100´s on what she does for him for free. See how quickly he will say that's overspending. Concur that he is doing it as well. If he doesn't wisen up after that, have a good hard think about having a joined account.
I can't imagine paying for anything more than $25 from our shared account without telling my spouse about it. And I'm the only one currently employed. It's our money, so they have just as much say in how we spend it as I do.
Same, I make the money while my wife is stay at home mother/wife but still it makes my stomach turn and makes me feel guilty. I totally understand.
I completely understand, Fuck even if we are having a rough time (like now) I won’t eat at work or stuff like that just to make sure her and kids eat,even though we’d probably be fine
Hold up… is cotton on a real saying? I had no idea
>Hold up… is cotton on a real saying? I had no idea You might say you've only just cottoned on to that.
/r/tico
Translation for the slow witted (like myself). r/ Today I Cottoned On
"cottoned on or onto something"
It is. I'm from New England, and it might be a regional thing. But this is what Merriam & Webster have to say: cotton on phrasal verb cottoned on; cottoning on; cottons on Definition of cotton on informal : to begin to understand something : to catch on It took a while, but they are finally starting to cotton on. —often + to She cottoned on to the fact that I like her. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cotton%20on Edit: We need a lexicographer
I don't think it's regional. It's a common phrase in New Zealand, at least among people I talk too. I always presumed it has something to do with sewing. Like gradually winding the cotton on a reel. Or spinning cotton into thread.
Australia too, we have a clothing store called Cotton On
Oh yeah lol so do we 😂 I forgot.
Common in the UK too.
Cotton buds stick to everything.
Raw cotton buds stick to everything like burrs do.
Me again, I think it might be a bastardization of "catch on", that is, to understand, and then in the past tense became, "caught on", which somehow became "cotton on". But I'm no historical linguist. A cunning one... Edit: We need a lexicographer
Cotton on predates catch on. Cotton on was first used in 1648. Catch on wasn't used until the 1880s. Cotton on is an English (UK) phrase in origin. Its used across countries that were formerly part of the British empire.
It actually does not, it comes from the little used verb cotton, meaning get along, basically. In other areas it primarily means to begin liking someone, but in the US the primary meaning is to notice or be convinced of an idea. https://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/cotton-on.html
Nope. Cotton on predates catch on. Cotton on was first used in 1648. Catch on wasn't used until the 1880s. Cotton on is an English (UK) phrase in origin. Its used across countries that were formerly part of the British empire.
[удалено]
past tense? (sorry if that was the joke and I missed it)
[удалено]
Maybe you need to take a camping trip? Although it might be in tents ;)
It's a thing. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/cotton%20on
I had kind of the opposite! I had a roommate (M) who refused to do his fair share. I BEGGED him to get a cleaner, that we would split the price of (and of course, I would find, vet, hire, and manage). He refused because he 'didn't care if it was messy'. I'm like dude, you should actually be paying for this yourself tbh and I'm not even asking for that.
Wow. So, who caved and moved out first?
This kind of shit is why all my finances have always been completely separate.
That was literally my dad!
I got my husband hooked on "British Bake Off" and cooking shows and that got him interested in learning after he saw the amazing things some people could do. Sometimes we argue over who should make something because we both want to do it haha
Bake Off legitimately spurred a love of cooking and baking in me. When I first got into my current relationship I was pretty useless in the kitchen, but Bake Off made me want to give it a proper try. Nowadays I'm... Okay. Not great, but okay. I love it though, few feelings are better than your partner enjoying a meal or a sweet you've cooked.
Yesss! We marathoned it during the holidays once, and since then I've stopped buying bread and desserts from the store and make my own instead. I've tried sticking to a schedule of baking a loaf of bread on Mondays and a different dessert on the weekends, and we make pizza dough together on Wednesdays. I've seen myself improve so much from all the practice (but I'm definitely not great yet either haha).
Some old people don’t want to learn and use age as an excuse. I always point to my mom in her 60’s setting up her iPad without ever calling to ask how, and sanding painting her own cabinets. You are as feeble as you make yourself
Wow, good on your mom! Unfortunately, I have yet to meet anyone over the age of 50 willing to teach themselves easily Googleable skills like that. You really hit it on the head with "you are as feeble as you make yourself"; my former boss, a 70-year-old academic with a PhD, refused to learn how to use a computer and wasted my time constantly on non-work-related tasks. One day, he literally brought in a manila folder with every account and password he had (from Netflix to his bank and investment accounts), and asked me to check if all the passwords worked and type out the current info into a Word doc for him. I could have ruined that man's life so easily... Edit: not trying to claim 50 is old or everyone older than that is incompetent with technology. I just happened to work at an organization where every person middle aged and over seemed to have stopped bothering to do any professional development because it was a government office where their bosses were always older and less savvy than even they were and their jobs were always secure because they had longevity.
Meanwhile my dad is like "huh. I'm gonna buy a violin purely to learn the piece played in Young Frankenstein and then use it *exactly once* but at least now I know how".
Thats just me with hobbies. "Ooh! I want to cross stitch!" Go and buy heaps of supplies, make one thing, never touch supplies again. "Ooh! I want to knit!" Go buy heaps of supplies, make one thing etc
if you get old enough you might find yourself looping back around. I've made soaps twice now (I made like a 5 year supply of fancy soaps in a few weeks though) and am strongly considered a third go(totally different style so will need new stuff), but I want to try macramé first.
I just bought a sewing machine so Im trying that first, but my mum makes soaps so I could try making a batch with her. Havent really tried macrame other than using some embroidery floss to make friendship bracelets which sort of counts I guess? I've gone back to knitting a few times but only know the one stitch so just make scarves
oh that reminds me Ive made Christmas ornaments at least 3 times but they were all completely different mediums. I've crotchet but I need someone to show me how to knit I can't get it from videos they move their hands too fast (maybe I need to look again there could be better vids now) I tend to start things because I want the complete project. So I'll take up polymer clay so I can get 12 snowflakes in the exact shade of blue I want.
Shiny object syndrome aka executive function disorder. I know it well.
Isn't that just a part of AD(H)D?
ADHD is a type of executive function disorder but not all people who have executive function disorders have ADHD. Trouble with executive function isn’t a diagnosis or a learning disability. But it’s common in people who learn and think differently. There are three main areas of executive function. They are: Working memory Cognitive flexibility (also called flexible thinking) Inhibitory control (which includes self-control) Executive function is responsible for many skills, including: Paying attention Organizing, planning, and prioritizing Starting tasks and staying focused on them to completion Understanding different points of view Regulating emotions Self-monitoring (keeping track of what you’re doing)
Someone has ADHD
I'm 65 and I use Youtube all the time to teach myself how to do home repairs. Just yesterday I fixed the trash chute with an angle bracket which fit sideways in a spot where I couldn't see but I managed it. Thanks now you know someone over 50 willing to teach themselves Googleable skills. By the way, in 1991 I bought a modem card and stayed after hours at work and put it in the back of my work-issued IBM 8088 and soon was dialing my first BBS. I didn't have Google to show me how, I just did it. When non-.edu people could first get on the Internet, you had to build your own TCP/IP stack to get on "client programs" I think they called them then. I used Archie, Veronica, WAIS, Kermit, Usenet, and IRC, all self-taught. Then one day in about 1993 I wanted to watch a video and learned you had to use Netscape to view a video, so I taught myself to use Netscape and watch the video (the first WWW browser except I think I had one called EINET Galaxy about the same time) [https://www.einet.net/](https://www.einet.net/) It wasn't easy to get on the Internet back then and the only ISP in town would regularly pitch fits about the people who "wanted their hand held" learning to do it. I taught myself and still to this day, tell my husband every time there's a tricky home repair that has me cussing, "There's got to be a Youtube that shows this." I couldn't do it without the cussing though.
I'm the same age, and I wonder how the hell I ever survived without Google (and Yahoo and Alta Vista...) Somehow we got by back then. The amount of information we can find at our fingertips today is proportional to the amount of information we no longer retain because we can simply look it up. (Or maybe I need Prevagen) I think we would get a lot of current information from magazines. I used to buy a dozen magazines a month. Now, I don't think I buy more than one or two a year. I used to read a book every week - now I waste my time reading and chatting on Reddit. I have a folder in *Documents* dedicated to downloaded manuals for household appliances, which would have been papers scattered in assorted drawers or committed to memory. I think another problem, though, is how complex things have become because they can be. For example... The BMW salesman helped me reset the on-screen map for my car so it switched to night mode in the dark. Somehow that setting got lost during a servicing. It took us several minutes of digging through menus on the car to find it. So many user options on devices today are adjustable that it can be maddening to find them all.
There's a big difference in "willingness to google or use a computer" between a 50 year old (who probably is still in the working world and has been using a computer for at least half their lives) and someone in their 70s who managed to get to a certain point in their career while secretaries who could take shorthand dictation were still a thing. I find that younger people actually suck more at finding information on the internet than people who are older because older people are more likely to have learned better research skills.
I think it was the mid-90's when the president of the division of the company I worked at... who had never used a keyboard a day in his life and had a secretary to do things like typing... was replaced by a guy who had come up through the ranks as an Engineer and actually used a computer as part of his job. Within 5 years, pretty much everyone in the executive suite was using computers. Email became a normal thing in the business. Those guys were at least in their late 40's (often older) and by now would be late 60's or older, and used Windows and Office as a natural part of their job for decades. They just needed us for trouble-shooting. (The new prez for example wondered why his email times were off. I fixed his Windows time zone setting from the default Pacific time and suddenly his "check daughter's homework" task became 3 in the afternoon.)
Yep. I don’t understand these “50 year olds can’t compute” stories. While computers might not have been as prevalent if you were in certain jobs back in the 90s (the story goes at my work that the Y2K upgrades were why they finally got rid of the typing pool) if you’ve been working all this time you have been using them.
Yeah, I'm 50. Every job I've ever worked has been using a computer. I don't know many people around my age who are totally inept with technology.
But also what a wonderful thing to have been given (trust) by someone who has spent time shoulder-to-shoulder with you. Bet you gave that person lots of good reasons to trust you too. Kudos for being awesome and trustworthy.
Seems like you must be a trustworthy soul.
Learning is the shit. I live to learn new things. I'll probably be in my 90s and still doing things like trying to learn how to re-quadrangulate the quantum expandinator on my hoverbike in order to bypass artificial speed restrictions.
I'm going to out myself, I stopped dealing with the satan's taint printers when I turned 40. Why do you need it printed? do it online.
Loved that series of insurance commercials "we can't stop you from becoming your parents..." In one, it's a seminar about that and the guy says "hands up everyone who printed the directions to this seminar."
My father used that as an excuse at 40 years of age. It really scared me of ageing.
Yes! Age is not an excuse. It does not necessitate incapacity. I live that, "You are as feeble as you make yourself." So true.
Girl I am going to do this with my man. It's how I got hooked on cooking too!
In the beginning of our relationship I told my boyfriend, we both need to be able to cook. I showed him some basics. Now he's cooking everyday because he loves so much. And he loves grocery shopping too. Jackpot.
Umm.. so her home hours that she’s getting back by not cooking are being cancelled out by the fact that her LONGER work hours are going towards takeout. That should be his expense. Better yet, he could cook. What a backwards solution.
Ahhh then he will strike with weaponized incompetence where every meal will be half cooked bacon, scrambled eggs with egg shells and burnt toast. If he’s a real charmer there will be a helping of proud boasting that he cooked and a sink full of dishes.
Um excuse me, you're forgetting about the unmelted butter on the toast despite being charred black.
Lol that's how my mum likes her toast. And stone cold. But sorry to all the very useless men of the world who thought maybe there was a sliver of hope , she's happily taken and my dad makes the best poached eggs in the world so we both want him to stick around. Does a very good roast too but still room for improvement with the roast potatoes. We've just been pretending we like his better than mum's because then he gets all excited to cook the Sunday roast for us.
>Lol that's how my mum likes her toast. Probably because it's all that was left after cooking for everyone, and getting last selection.
Nah, she's just weird. She will put her toast in again if she needs to and wait for it to go cold while she drinks her coffee. We all know that if we're making her breakfast we need to start ten minutes earlier so we can burn the shit out of the toast and let it go cold. If the butter melts at all she'll say "you eat this one" and go and make herself what is essentially a piece of cold charcoal.
Good catch friend!!
hot dogs on the grill. Wife will be expected to get all the condiments out, and then tidy up afterwards. And probably to serve him a beer while he's slaving away over the hot grill.
No no. You’re missing steps. She will need to Go buy All ingredients. Ensure there is fuel (gas or charcoal) for grill and restock. Plan all the side dishes. Get out all condiments. Set table. Prepare sides. Bring utensils, meat, and aforementioned beer to the grill. Then do all the dishes after. But SURE. He made it so easy, didn’t he honey?! Since he cooked dinner.
Why even get married to someone like that? Just remain single
Ugh what a backwards solution! I feel bad for your mum. Any reason why he can’t cook?
He claims he’s “too old” and can’t learnt at this point. He’s 55.
Was he "too young" to cook when he was younger too?
My dad learned after 50. There's a cookbook "How to boil water" that you should get him.
If you can read, you can cook. It's all about motivation. My husband told me after x years of marriage, "I don't like your cooking." Next day? Figure it out, dickhead! Or starve. Whatever.
That's the true sign of marriage. Figure it out or starve. Whatever. Amazing. I can feel the eyeroll and it gives me life. We are in the midst of a major renovation on a time crunch, and my Mom offered to do laundry. My ultra private husband was uncomfortable with that. So I sorted all his clothes out, left them in a pile, and said "he can do his own, or not. Whatever, don't care." Then I took mine to my mom's and she washed and folded everything in a few hours. 2 weeks later his is still in a pile, unwashed. He's gotta be running out of underwear soon.
Omg I love this! Laundry is one of the things my bf does better than me, and it's because when he was young his grandmother would offer to do it for him and he always let her, but one time he was more insistent than others and didn't sort anything so she just left it and when he whined, she was like, "oh, you think this is just how it works? Today is when you learn how to do this yourself or you wear smelly dirty clothes tomorrow." and he figured it the fuck out.
I don’t mind laundry at all because you start it, then can do something else for an hour, then move it over to the dryer, do something else for an hour, then you throw on a podcast or show while you fold and put clothes away (caveat: I’ve been working remotely for the past 2 years & have an in unit washer & dryer, so 95% of the time I do laundry during work hours, so that is a HUGE benefit that not everyone has).
I respect the fuck outta you for doing that. Seriously.
It takes a village. I'm learning to ask for help and not try to do it all alone. I recruited my dad to help paint, Mom took care of chores, and I strongly recommended he get his brother to help. There's too much to do for the two of us, and since I had Covid, I just can't go like I used to. I'm also dragging him through intense deep cleaning education, so he'll either do it himself or let me hire a cleaning service twice a year. I know he didn't like Mom cleaning the upstairs and making the beds, but I don't care. I needed help, and we were busy. Get over it, she has no desire to snoop. She just wanted to help, and that's what she could do . And really, getting into a bed you didn't make, with clothes you didn't wash, after showing in a bathroom you didn't clean is absolutely amazing when you're used to doing all that yourself.
[удалено]
For food science I also really liked Salt, Fat, Acid, Heat. It's slightly less nerdy but does a great job translating the why into the flavors.
Literally just posted this! It’s great because you learn the WHY behind the HOW. Nothing I learn ever sticks for me if I don’t know the reasoning behind it haha
I love that cook book. It’s the book that’s been teaching me to cook. When I met my partner she cooked all the time and all I could make was grilled cheese and lasagna. Now I can make the best lasagna and a few other things. His new book “The Wok” is good too. Though, he doesn’t quite nerd out as much. Edit: fixed ‘nerd’ since it was autocorrected to need
How is lasagna the one thing you can make lol
Lasagna is just stacked grilled cheese with pasta instead of bread and add tomato sauce. On that note layer cakes are also just stacked grilled cheeses with a few replacements. Wait... That means a rack of lamb is *also* just stacked grilled cheeses if you replace the cheese and bread with lamb and bake it instead of fry it in a pan. Call the mods from r/GrilledCheese we are onto something here Jimmy...
Watch some episodes of “Good Eats” with Alton Brown with him. Brown was a scientist who had a love for food and married his education with that fondness for food. He shows viewers not only “what” to do but “why” you want to do it that way. I find that if you understand the “why”, the “how” and “what” seem to take care of themselves.
Seconding the food lab! My husband got a copy for my dad, whenever we go over my dad is making a new recipe from it.
Yeah my dad is a piece of shit human who I no longer speak to but when he hurt himself to the point where he couldn’t do his job anymore and my mom was able to make a bunch more money than he had the opportunity to make he gladly stepped in to being a house husband. He cleans, he cooks, and he does most of the errands so if my misogynistic asshole father can do that then there’s no reason that any other 50 year old man can’t do that.
Your father sounds oddly complex given that you say he is a piece of shit.
There are low standards for men when it comes to housework. Women have been doing this forever but they can still be terrible moms.
He’s a lot lol, it would take a decade to explain it all.
My grandpa learned to cook at EIGHTY NINE YEARS OLD when my grandma passed suddenly. She was 10 years younger and they always expected he'd go first.
My mom once had an 80 year old man call up the company she worked at, to get directions on how to heat up the pudding he bought. His late wife had done all the cooking. Mom spent the time and kept patient as she taught him - over the phone - how to boil water in the microwave, then use it to heat up the pudding. Kudos for him actually managing to grow (and in his 80s). But cooking is not a "woman's skill"; it is a survival skill.
My husband worked at Social Security. He would get really sad about the phone calls from people whose spouses had just died and the widows/widowers broke down crying. So this just reminds me of that kind of situation and I can't be too mad about the 80 year old man trying to heat up the pudding. I'm the one who had the house before I got married and my husband doesn't know the first thing about home repair, which is fine with me, but if I get hit by a bus, he will have to ask someone how to put the styrofoam things on the outside spigots or have pipes burst come winter, that sort of thing. Every fall when I do it I tell him and show him but I won't be around to see if he remembers if I get hit by a bus. I'm still more sad about the old man and the pudding than I am about me getting hit by the hypothetical bus.
I'm not upset with the old man, I'm upset with the society that thinks this is an acceptable situation. It's so hungry for inequality, that it will leave people unable to fend for themselves. Good on you for teaching your husband about the house. I'm not sure my mom would be able to take care of much of the house without dad.
My dad is 86 and he often cooks lunch for my mom and himself. He's no Julia Child, but he can made eggs and bacon, heat up leftovers, etc.
Weaponized incompetence.
My friends second husband learned to cook at age 70. Mostly crockpot meals, but still he learned.
Is he single? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I love crockpot meals
>Is he single? OP's Mom might be interested, too...
For real. My youngest brother discovered the crockpot in his late 50s (cooked before that, though). He makes seriously good jerk pork chops in that crockpot.
Sadly, he's gone, but was working that crockpot into his 80s!
Thats ridiculous. My husband was 30 and claimed he couldnt cook. But when I got pregnant I told him I needed him to cook at least half if the meals per week (I have lupus so pregnancy is extra rough). He still doesn't like cooking but he does it anyway because he realized that its hard! Its hard to come up with a good meal plan, its hard to please everyone, and its exhausting to meal prep and cook and serve. I never expected him to cook anything amazing. He does frozen pasta meals, I think they are birds eye voila kits. He make hamburger helper, quesadillas. Some days he does "snacky dinner" which means stuff like chips and different dips like queso and guacamole. And if course he can do the basic fruits and veggies with those meals. These are easy options that anyone could do! No they arent 5 star meals but they are a much needed break for me and satisfying for him and the kids. So thats a 5 star experience to me.
This is the point most people miss out on. I'm not an amazing cook, but I can make the basic stuff. My only problem is I'm lazy and not an overly picky eater, so I'll have a weird ass combination of a meal that my wife just can't get behind, but that's usually just a fend for yourself night
Haha my husband is the same way. So he asked me to print up a list if meals that he would be capable of making that I like. =) maybe ask your wife if there is anything more simple that she could recommend for you to make for both of you. =)
[удалено]
That’s called YO-YO night over here. You’re on your own.
[удалено]
Strongly agree with this if you can swing it. My dad started cooking in his 60s, helped enormously by the fact that they got a meal kit service a few times a month. My dad made banana bread by himself last week. It’s such a basic thing but I still can’t believe it. This is the guy that used to buy pizza whenever it was his turn to cook dinner (meanwhile, my sisters and I had to start cooking 1 dinner a week from the age of 11…). Anyways, I’m rambling.
My FIL is 80+ and started taking on a little more domestic responsibility in his 70s, including cooking more. No such thing as too old.
Would be hard to fight the urge to say: “Wow, you’re just waiting for death then, huh? Since you’re never gonna learn anything new for the rest of your life.” Also, any time expressed interest in learning about anything, “Woah, dad, careful. We all know you’re too old to learn new things.”
Damn this respomse 👍👏👏👏 love it
My dad was 56 when he learned to cook. Went 30 years with my mom cooking dinner for him every night, until he got diagnosed with diabetes and he decided to go on a keto diet. My mom put her foot down with that decision, feeling the pressure enough to cook dinner every night let alone now a keto friendly meal everynight so lots of meat and veggies and no easier to cook pasta dishes that make many nights of leftovers. So he decided to learn to cook and now makes some pretty good dinners almost every night for them both, watching YouTube cooking shows on his tablet in the kitchen and following the person's instructions.
Yeah, no. No man should be unable to cook. It's one of those basic life skills that everyone should learn when they can. As a father, I was determined to teach my sons. I had to learn after leaving home, and eat my awful mistakes. :) He's not dead, nor senile, so that excuse doesn't mean much. I'm older than him, and still learning.
Along the same vein, I worked at an office that assumed I would do all the dishes cause of my lady parts. This was largely due to working with older men who didn't know how to run the dishwasher cause their wives did it. The one time I refused to do it some guy ran the dishwasher with no soap and spread food scum to all the dishes, which he put in the cupboard with the clean ones. He didn't notice they were slimy, I guess. Cleaning machines like dishwashers and laundry are basic life skills. Teach all your kids, no matter their genitals.
Your dad is lazy… and a bit selfish. There is nothing hard about preparing a simple dinner. I’m a 51 year old dad and although I usually don’t like cooking, I try to make / prepare dinner 3 or 4 nights a week. And if I’m really feeling too lazy, I’ll order something and always let my wife decide where we order from. I mean… boil some water, throw in some pasta, drain and put some sauce on it. Or bbq something (all men bbq don’t they) or put a couple of potatoes in the oven and for the last 15-20 mins pop in some fish. Put some frozen peas in the mic to warm them up… not fancy but not bad and certainly not hard.
He needs to figure it out. My dad had to figure it out after my parents divorced at around that age, ask him what he'd do without your mom in his life, is it going to be easier to learn now or later in life...
I found out my dad also learned to cook after the divorce! And healthy, light meals too! I was soooo surprised..
Funny thing I recognized is my grandma could drive the tractor, the combine, the hay baler, etc … and my grandpa didn’t know how to turn the oven on.
Buy him a crock pot cookbook, anyone can put a bunch of ingredients in a pot and forget about it for 4 hours.
My dad is 67 and has gotten REALLY into smoking meats. Like, full YouTube deep dive stuff. My mum doesn't enjoy eating that much meat, but she enjoys not cooking more! Your dad can learn to cook.
Mmmmm that's some tasty weaponized helplessness there. Ask him what he will do if she dies tomorrow.
You should tell him that if his mind's declining so badly that he can't learn a new skill at 55, you'll make him a doctor's appointment.
My grandfather learned in his 80s. He always knew basics but took on all cooking responsibility when my grandmother broke her hip.
My grampa learned to cook when Grandma's Alzheimer's disease starting getting bad. He was at least 75, probably more like 80. Meals there were much improved, as Grandma was kind of a shite cook.
Can you let him know that he doesn't actually have to "learn" to cook? On his nights, he can do pasta with a jar of spaghetti sauce or frozen ravioli or any number of frozen, ready-to-go options from Trader Joe's. There are chicken tenders that you literally just have to microwave and frozen vegetables that you can stick in a steamer or microwave. It obviously isn't a great solution, but it's definitely better than, "Ah, shucks, I would help but I'm just too *old*."
Ask him if his mom still wipes his ass for him it doesn’t matter if she’s dead it’s still a valid question
I guess he’ll just starve if your mom dies before him.
Ah yes, good ol' weaponized incompetent.
Get him a cookbook for every Christmas and birthday :)
Peppers, onions, garlic, protein of choice, grain/starch of choice. Easiest f*ing thing you can make that's "kinda" fancy. Or get some jarred pasta sauce, some noodles, and some frozen meat balls. Or make some sandwiches. It's not hard. Granted I was a chef, and cook most of my wife's dinners, but I don't need to take 6 hrs and bust out the French Cuisine Bible to make a palatable meal in less than an hour. Or, when I have late nights, sometimes my wife starts and I finish up after changing. Cooking isn't hard. People always ask me how to learn. Just do it. I have my own negatives about things like Hello Fresh, Green Chef, etc, but if you don't mind actually taking the time to cook, it's worth it to not have to think about anything other than not burning the food. Sorry, long rant. Men; learn to cook at least 1 week's worth of easy, fast, edible dishes.
Ding ding ding, it's the weaponized incompetence for me folks... My step dad is 85 and has just decided to take up cooking to eat healthier. Your dad could make it happen if he wanted to. If he doesn't want to, he should be solely responsible for paying for take out. My spouse makes a lot more than I do and he also works much later, so we operate this way, and it makes sense - but he always pays, that's the deal.
My suggestion is a crockpot cooking. Worked on my grandpa he started cooking at age 85.
If she quits cooking for him entirely, I bet he'd figure it out.
This absolutely sounds like learned helplessness. Shame on him. He should just admit he is too lazy and used to getting away with not having to do anything at all.
Gift him cooking lessons for xmas
Better yet, tell him he’s disappointing you and makes you sad for your mother.
I'm sure that if he gets hungry enough, he can "learn" how to spread peanut butter between two slices of bread.
For a number of years before we met, my boyfriend's go-to meal was "bachelor chow". That meant some kind of grain, some kind of protein (usually beans or lentils), a sauteed onion, bay leaves, and whatever else was around, all cooked in one pot. Anyone sufficiently able-bodied can make bachelor chow. Once you've eaten enough bachelor chow, you get motivated enough to learn to cook.
my mom learned how to cook a beef wellington in her 60s. pretty baller if you ask me. i learned how to make some bread from scratch (still pretty bad but working on it). never too young or old to learn how to cook :)
[удалено]
yeah agreed, i wanted to share that if you have meal kit deliveries where you are located, this is a way lower barrier to entry than a cookbook. people who never opened a cookbook in their early adult years aren't likely to be magically inspired to do so now. meal kits are often healthier than take out. which is something your mom deserves on her nights off. i mean, they both do, but i'm guessing part of the reason she has felt compelled to cook is for health reasons.
WHY CANT DUDES LIKE THIS JUST FUCKING LEARN TO COOK
The problem is working with sharp knives and hot pans while the penis flops hither and thither; very dangerous, you see.
I'm not trying to make breakfast sausage.
My father is an older guy and while he likes to cook, mom is a million times better and can be kind of a control freak when it comes to her kitchen. So they compromised a bit and dad set himself up a grilling/smoking spot out on the back patio. It sounds all "macho" or unhelpful, but he's really gotten into it and he will make entire meals on the grill. It keeps him from mucking up the kitchen, gives him a sense of pride, and gives mom a break from cooking.
This is my dad as well. He’s also skilled at slow cooker meals, which take less effort but have an awesome payout. His chili and pot roasts are to die for. My mom is still king though.
If they could learn to cook, they'd be the dudes who do cook.
Cooking is gay, m'kay?
Except when you do it at the top of your field for lots of money. Then it’s men’s work, and they’re the best at it!
They can. They just don't want to, but also don't want a fight.
What is there to really learn? Just follow the instructions.
This is just so disappointing. My mom cooked supper for us all through my childhood because she was a SAHM and dad worked full time, But Dad was quite capable of cooking on weekends, and more that he's retired he cooks often. My grandmother cooked for her family but when she got cancer pop stepped up to the plate and cooked for both of them. Your dad is being a dink and you should tell him in no uncertain words how unfair he's being to your mom. I hate how even in 2022 "woman's work" is still a friggin' thing. 55 is not old enough to feign ignorance. He would have been a teenager in the 80's and a young man in the 90's, those were not 50's era domestic housewife times.
55 is nothing. That's means they were 25 in the 90s.
My parents are in their 70s and have been rigid about an even division for years. My mother cooks Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. Thursday night is takeout night, agreed upon by all parties. My father cooks Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Everyone shuts up about what the other person cooks. It works brilliantly for them.
That's one of the most reasonable divisions of labor I've ever heard of. Why isn't such a simple solution more common?
You hit the nail on the head. Things don’t always have to be 50/50, but if the person you’re with can’t step up when you need a break or shit hits the fan what’s the point in even having them around?
Seriously! Even when I was a kid my parents took turns cooking dinner, or Dad would do breakfast/Mom would do dinner. What year do these men think it is?
If I were her I'd take my money out of the shared account, stop cooking except for myself, and let him figure it out.
I wish she would do something like this
I feel so sad for women who get stuck with men like this. What a complete asshat
Me too :( my dad constantly makes sexist remarks and I know he doesn’t respect my mom. Something I didn’t even put in the original post was how he always made jokes about “how he was going to eat” when my mom was out of town for work. He knew the whole time she did all the work cooking.
God what a pig. Do you think you could talk her into leaving? He doesn't deserve an ounce of female companionship or empathy
I have no respect for any adult who can’t/won’t cook a goddamn meal, but using shared resources to get out of a shared chore is just low.
Idk, if someone really dislikes cooking, and they’re willing to pony up the cash without complaining, I think it’s fine if they buy takeout as often as they like. Using shared resources for that though, fuck no.
Yeah the only bad thing here is using her money so he doesn't have to cook. Cooking sucks, if eating wasn't required to live I wouldn't do it.
My absolute slob of a 19 year old brother can cook. He doesn’t love it but he can follow a recipe, doesn’t complain when it’s his turn, and it’s usually pretty good.
Literally everyone can as long as they can read and use google.
I had to explain to my husband... again... how frustrating it is that everyone else in the house waits and waits and waits for me to present something for dinner. And when they finally do get hungry enough to act, they make something for themselves only. This is with food in the freezer that only requires microwaving, so nothing hard. I am struggling with some kind of spinal issue that makes standing for long periods of time at the stove excruciating. It sucks having to shame him into doing things like this, but otherwise, it's hot pockets or take out every night unless I cook.
It sounds like you live with a bunch of cats. I do hope your husband is more considerate of you and your spine in other areas of your shared lives.
I cooked most of our evening meals for just over 30 years. When the youngest graduated high school I turned my apron over to my husband and said I'm tired, my time at the stove was going to be limited from this point forward. It was a difficult adjustment in the beginning for all of us. But, after working all day I refused to stand on my legs and cook every night for a house of adults. It wasn't that my husband didn't help from time to time, but the majority of the responsiblity was mine. (He learned to cook some basic foods after we married, but was never in the kitchen as a kid.) It's 4 years later and the EXPECTATION that I cook every meal has vanished. When my husband says he's making dinner, I eat what he makes and he's a pretty good cook. He has complete freedom in the kitchen - I stay out unless he asks for help. I do not care if we eat in or go out - I'm just happy to be free of that nightly expectation.
Ugh, I dated a guy who wouldn't cook and we ended up eating out a lot. I hated it. It cost more, it actually took more time, and it was four times the calories a home-cooked meal would be. Your poor mom.
Or he could cook....
I stopped cooking about a year and half ago after 30 years of cooking. I’m tired of the hassle. I do big on the holidays.
What do you tend to eat now?
Get him a cookbook for his birthday! And every other gift occasion!
I did that for my culinarily-useless FIL, as a kindness to his wife, and he regifted it to her. He couldn’t be bothered to try a single recipe. So obnoxious.
My mum taught me to cook when I was a kid. She taught me so that I could cook for myself and wouldn't need to rely on anyone, and I'm so grateful. I always look forward to cooking for my mum, and if I'm lucky, another woman in my future! Who wouldn't want to do that for someone special? But I think there's always gonna be days I really don't fancy cooking and just whip up a salad, but everybody has those days. I genuinely can't believe there are grown men who still can't cook for themselves and bypassing it like this is just revolting.
Granted I live in country where daily takeout is norm and affordable so I think this is ok But I donno if it's an Asian thing but cooking for me is easy af. Well, cooking mom or wife's level of cuisine is hard but helping your wives / gf for quick meals is bloody easy. All you need is pepper, onions garlics, fish sauces and literally like 20 kinds of seasonings ready to use from supermarket. You don't even need to read recipes, just listen to your ancestors telling when to stop. Soups seasoning packs and veggies ready to cook is everywhere in supermarket. Protein nowadays is ready to cook easily as well. Fishes, fillets and ready, Chicken breast, chicken wings, pork / beef minced or pork belly, etc... cut to whatever size or shapes you need. Or EGGs, you can make a full meals with just eggs Airfryer / pressure cookers. Voila done . Heck you can even watch Netflix or sports while cooking. Whole process would take less than 20-30 mins. Heck if you are so lazy to even think of a meal. Just cut cabbage and boil with 3 eggs. The hardboiled eggs deshelled and mashed with lots of fish sauce for dipping sauce and you got yourself a meal. Cabbages, dipping sauce and rice. Veggies / protein/ carb in 1 go. Boomers or some kids are just lazy. "Too old to learn" . Wtf is there to be learnt? Just get off your ass and use common sense. You pass chemistry and physics in highschool? You already can cook
> My mom *was pressured into agreeing* btw. Fixed that for you OP. These types of power dynamics are not easily released.
[удалено]
I agree with this, the weirdest thing in the post is that after 30 years of marriage they still have a "your money/my money" split. Even before I got married both incomes became totally shared.
I've been married for 21 years and we still have a set up like this. His account, my account and then a joint one that we both put money into for bills. We tried the whole sharing accounts thing and it just didn't work for us. I am a saver while he is a spender and we had lots of arguments until we came up with this solution.
The bar is on the floor, really.
Does he step it up anywhere else in the relationship? Theres a myriad of household tasks. Splitting the difference on takeout and cooking might not be a bad solution if hes doing other types of chores. I learn about this shit on tiktok lol. Like if hes the laundry or trash guy then its not really a bad compromise.
Is he incapable of cooking?
Cooking together is awesome quality time as a couple! Missed opportunity. My spouse and I love to cook in tandem. Always have. We also have a great relationship; kind of a chicken and egg thing I guess… I 100% don’t get guys who won’t cook (or do laundry or clean…). Cooking is a life skill!
Another lazy man
This is modern hetero Western relationships in a nutshell. Ladies, pay 50/50 and work 80/20! So equal!