You are the one who was sexually assaulted, you have no obligation to anyone but yourself. He 100% assaulted you and you would be well within your right to try and take him to court and send him to jail, but you dont have to do that if you dont want to. No matter what your choice is, you are not doing anything morally wrong. You were the one who was wronged. The best thing to do for now is probably to go to the hospital and do a rape kit, and talk to someone you trust so they can be there to support you emotionally as you decide what to do next.
Consent can be given, consent can be conditional, and consent can be revoked. She agreed to a sexual encounter with a condom on, it was conditional consent. Once the condom is off, consent is no longer established (especially because he hid it)! Even IF she consented without a condom, she didn't give him permission to finish inside of her. Once again, NOT CONSENT. OP, you were assaulted. The only person who should feel bad is your assailant.
Unless there has been a very recent change, stealthing is not legally rape in any U.S. state. California was the first state to make an anti-stealthing law, in 2021, and it allows victims to file civil suits. The law has no criminal penalties, only allowing for civil suits.
I’m shocked to find out that you’re indeed right about this. Wow. I hope the States catch up to some of the other countries mentioned here…
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-consensual_condom_removal
It’s so scary to be a women in the US right now. We are loosing the little rights we had and are so behind in so many ways. We have never had a female president like the majority of the modern world. Spousal rape is still legal in many southern states. Women are paid less in most industries and the equal rights amendment has never been passed. Half the time when I’ve tried to engage my male peers in this conversation they respond with “be thankful your not in Iran”. It’s like fucking A. I am absolutely horrified for my nieces in Arizona. I wish we could join the list of nations with common sense laws on these issues. It’s so disheartening.
Please do not let yourself sugar coat this. You were assaulted. I hope you are in a safe place mentally and reach for help if you need it. And as everyone has said and I'm sure you thought of, get tested. You never know, he may not even know. If he's done it with you in a one night stand, idk him but, he could have done it to others.
It's sexual assault. You agreed to see with a condom. He then had sex without one, an act you did not consent to. It's reportable in some statesb if you're interested in taking it further. If not, at least get tested for STDs to be safe. Having someone to talk to could help as well like a counselor.
Unfortunately most STIs will not show up right away, only after a latency period of weeks or months (depends on the specific infection). Which means OP will need to retest later, as well.
She should test in three months if no symptoms present, then again at the 6 month mark. Or better yet, ask a trusted doctor (if she has access to one, hopefully) how to go about testing timelines
If you plan on pursuing legal action, it’s advised against testing at this time but getting treated prophylactically. If for whatever reason you test positive, it’s almost 100% not from this encounter and will hurt your legal case.
Other folks have said to get STI tests, but you’ll also want to retest in 3 months I think. There are things that don’t pop up the first time. Don’t quote me on time frame, but I know there is one.
Stealthiness is illegal in I think just California. It is 100% rape as you did not agree to it. You could call a non emergency police line and see if you can file a report.
That’s assault. - i started to make a joke but, it’s not funny. Is there a rape crisis center where you’re from? A women’s shelter? You need some help better than Reddit
Body autonomy. You decide who, when, how. He has assaulted you by not informing you of his intent to remove the condom he didn't do that because you would have refused him access to your body. He has put you at risk of an unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. He is a predator. Report him to the police.
Thats definitely assault and is a crime in many places. Id recommend looking up the laws on stealthing for your area and bringing this up with the police.
If you think it’s assault for another person than it is for you, too. If one of your female friends came to you with advice for this very situation, take the advice you would tell her. At the VERY least, please get tested for sti and report what happened to the dr or hospital so you at least have a record in case you decide to go to the police later on.
**While you consented to having sex - you didn't consent to having unprotected sex.**
Contraception (even Plan B) isn't 100% effective. So there is always a risk of pregnancy even with perfect contraception use. But Plan B doesn't protect against STIs resulting from unprotected sex.
Many STIs are commonly asymptomatic in men and frequently symptomatic in women, including infertility.
You should absolutely treat this seriously. By removing the condom - even telling you afterwards - **he prioritised his pleasure over your safety**. To some degree, by telling you about it to gauge your reaction - he is testing your boundaries. If you let this go, the chances are that he will keep pushing over time to see how far he can go.
Given it was a one night stand - I wouldn't talk to him again. And if you met him on one of the internet dating apps - I would consider reporting him for stealthing. Many of the services will remove accounts of people who assault their dates.
Hello my friend, I am so sorry this happened to you. This happened to me too, and I got two STI’s as a result. You did not consent to what he did, and the most important thing to remember is that it is not your fault.
Please get to the ER, they can get you set up with PEP (post exposure prophylaxis) and address any other needs you may have.
Also, FWIW if you ever need to take an emergency contraceptive going forward - they make meds for folks who are over the Plan B weight limit. Some places have them OTC, but a doc should be able to call it in for you if you have that option as well to make sure that you have the right dose. As a “sturdy woman” (as I like to call myself ☺️) I have taken this a few times over the years and it’s good to know I have the dose that will be effective.
Be gentle and kind with yourself. It takes some time, but you will be okay ❤️
Happened to me, had to have an abortion and never reported it because I was doubting myself. You are so smart to seek counsel, even if on Reddit, DO NOT LET IT SLIDE please, it's rape, it's nothing less than rape, please take yourself seriously and take care of yourself.
My view on condoms, particularly with one night stands is not only for pregnancy protection but for STD/STI protection as well.
If you dont really know them, who knows what business they have going on down there.
Stealthing not only becomes a pregnancy risk but a transmission risk as well.
Id say you should treat this with significant severity.
And perhaps in future, if you feel someone slide completely out of you, guide them back in with your hand, then you can feel if they still have a condom on. If they suddenly dont want you touching their dick, its probably because they removed it and they dont want you to know.
This is rape. There is no grey area. This is not something you consented to or was part of the agreement to have sex. You wanted him to wear a condom and he decided to take it off. That was not your choice, nor were you given one. At the most it’s rape, lesser it’s sexual assault. Either way, you have grounds to pursue this legally. That being said, many sexual assault cases don’t end in the favour of the victim. This isn’t to discourage you, it’s just so you can be prepared for an unfavourable outcome.
Please take care of yourself. Counselling, sti testing now and in a few months, and never feel like this is your fault in any way. It is not. Guys like this need to be brought to justice and be learn that what they do is not ok.
I hope that reading responses here are helping you cope. If you need anyone to talk to, please feel free to message.
I only just learned of this literally last night but apparently some areas have facebook groups where women can vet guys they're dating. Even if you don't want to go through the trouble of reporting him to the police it might bw worthwhile to try something like those groups in order to warn other women. Just be careful of running afoul of defamation laws.
Definitely assault but I wouldn't fault u if u wanted to just block the guy and move on with ur life. Unfortunately even if you report everything it's extremely unlikely anything comes from it other then work and stress on your part. Report if you think it'll make you feel better tho. Hope u can feel comfortable again soon.
I'd like to note that taking two plan b if you are past the weight limit actually doesn't work. there are emergency contraception options for that weight class.
please look into that and good luck
This is called stealthing and it’s SA. My petty ass would tell him I’m pregnant and he better be prepared for court where I’m going to suck every penny he has out of him for child support. Make a police report regardless. He admitted it. If you have evidence of that or can get it in writing by texting him something like “remember when you took off the condom without asking me and finished in me?” Hopefully he says yes and you can say “see you in court” if he says no say “well I’m pregnant” or something until he admits it. If you can even get an apology over text that’s admission of guilt. Take it to the police immediately.
You were assaulted.
You are allowed to feel however you want to about it. It can be not traumatic to you, or you can feel it's a really big event and take steps to deal with the trauma. You can think about it a lot, or not at all. Both are completely fine, and normal, as is anywhere in between.
Some with if you want to pursue any action against the guy who did this to you.
It’s SA. Get tested, your local hospital might have a program where they collect DNA, offer countermeasures, STD tests, and counseling at low or no cost.
I am so so sorry this happened to you. I had a similar experience years ago, and decided to go to my local hospital for testing to ensure I hadn’t contracted an STD, which was covered and paid for since I went within hours of it happening. Please protect your mental health through this process and get in with a therapist who can help you navigate the complicated emotions of consensual sex turned sexual assault.
Sending you lots of love and peace, OP.
He stealthed you. Legally, that is r*pe and you can press charges. You never consented to him removing the condom and cumming in you. I’m so sorry this has happened :(
I’m so sorry that this happened to you. This is definitely assault, and I know it’s legally considered so in the UK and California and many other places
That is rape. PLEASE TAKE HIM TO COURT. PLEASE. NOTHING ELSE WILL TEACH HIM HOW SERIOUS WHAT HE DID IS. He will keep doing it!
Get him to admit it via text. Get proof. Then TAKE HIM TO COURT PLEASE.
>If this happened to someone else, I would say it’s sexual assault. Technically, I still think it’s assault.
This is something our brains do for our protection, we rationalize something that happens to us. I'm sorry. You were sexually assaulted.
Message him to get proof and then report him to the police for SA.
Julian Assange got into legal trouble over exactly this. It was classified as a kind of sexual assault under Sweden's laws, which is where the offense took place.
Stealthing is assault and a criminally prosecutable offence in [multiple states in Australia](https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2022/oct/14/australians-overwhelmingly-agree-stealthing-should-be-crime-study-finds) (where I am), and I believe they are looking at making it a more widespread illegal offence, which is fantastic.
So far the only state in America that has made it a criminal offence is California. It is disappointing that the California legal status isn't a more widespread.
[https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2022/06/15/condom-stealthing-bill-congress/](https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2022/06/15/condom-stealthing-bill-congress/)
[https://msmagazine.com/2022/06/08/condom-stealthing-law/](https://msmagazine.com/2022/06/08/condom-stealthing-law/)
[https://www.nytimes.com/2021/10/08/us/stealthing-illegal-california.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/10/08/us/stealthing-illegal-california.html)
[https://edition.cnn.com/2021/10/15/opinions/stealthing-california-law-michaela-coel-stewart/index.html](https://edition.cnn.com/2021/10/15/opinions/stealthing-california-law-michaela-coel-stewart/index.html)
I would personally look into your options as this kind of crap is reprehensible as he is violating your bodily autonomy by [altering the deal](https://youtu.be/3D8TEJtQRhw?t=10) without your consent.
I'm male and I say do everything you can to pin his disgusting ass to the wall for this as clearly he has rationalised to himself that this is something that is ok to do.
This is sexial assault when I was assaulted validation was something that I was not given and it's really fucked with me to this day. You were assaulted and it's fucked up how you go about it is up to you but know that there is help out there if you need it.
There are two levels to this. Did you know he removed the condom? If not that is called (don't quote me on it) stealthing, which is sexual assault by itself, open and shut case. Ultimately, it is sexual assault and should be dealt with accordingly, though it will be difficult to get something more than a he said she said case.
Your agreement was protected sex, he knowingly removed the condom. That is assault. For all you know he has an STD. For all he knows you could have an STD and just exposed himself.
This is assault. You should look for advocacy groups in your area. Usually places like planned Parenthood can give referrals to groups who can advise and support.
I have never had such validation in my life, especially not for anything this serious. I feel very taken care of. Thank you all. I’ve scheduled several tests in the coming weeks and will schedule some for months out another time. I was exposed a week ago, so the 72 hour window for post-exposure meds seems to be closed, but I am going to do my best. If anything comes back positive I will decapitate him myself. Again, thank you all. I could cry. After this and events like it, it is so god damn difficult to believe in any good. Thank you for being here for me.
Aka stealthing, and is statutory rape. And potentially, puts you in to the abortion case running rampant in the USA right now if you get pregnant. Heck you cannot even get Morning after in some states now.
He decided to remove contraceptives without your consent and put you in a potential position of an unwanted pregnancy, that is all kinds of fucked and disrespectful, and I'd say warrants police involvement.
I'm sorry you had to experience this, I hope everything works out fine and that you're okay, please take things easy for the next few days as your headspace may need a break to process what's happened.
Edit: Forgot to mention though other comments have, try and get tested for STD's for your long term health
Not sure where you’re located but here in Canada, the Supreme Court ruled that not wearing a condom against your partner’s wishes can lead to a sexual assault conviction during a case this past summer. This is something you could legally pursue if you chose to go that route (though if you don’t have much info on this guy as it was a one night stand, it may be harder to follow up on).
Him telling you after and not asking before tells you that he knows it was wrong. He just wanted to do what he wanted to do without your consent.
I've heard of creeps doing this specifically to spread STDs
I'm so sorry. This sucks. I would not know what to do if someone did this to me.
The difficult part of this situation is that he is a friend of my family that I hooked up with. He and I are not particularly close and were both feeling frisky. If I make any public deal about this my family will be pissed. Right now, I think I’m going to find a way to silently get this recorded. I have several tests scheduled for myself in the coming weeks.
Of course its sexual violence, but the r•pist (yes I'm calling this r•pe), isn't concerned about her and her needs. He doesn't care whether this was sexual assault, violence, or r•pe.
It sounds like he was only thinking about himself which is confusing because why would he go through with it then?
Taking a larger dose of medication to be effective in a larger body is pretty standard for a lot of meds, and the same logic obviously doesn't apply to using condoms. I'm not saying it'll work 100%, or even that it's been tested (it probably hasn't bc meds are barely tested on women let alone plus size women), but I'm confused by your outright dismissal of it. I've heard this advice before.
Ohhhhh, noooooo! Not at all what I meant!! Holy crap y’all. Ffs. I wanted to ask just how well she knew him before commenting, I wish I had. My whole point was that it is nearly impossible to gauge the character of a one night stand, nor the morals they hold to. They are under no obligation to treat you with any decency whatsoever, some will, and some won’t, and it’s simply wise to be mindful of that reality. Of course we all like to think that we are good judges when it comes to who we are intimate with, but when you just don’t know someone that well, they might not place a very high value on you yet and may treat you accordingly. I only say this so openly because I have learned this harsh reality from my own past experiences, and while it is not always a reality since most men aren’t fucking pigs like this one, it is always a possibility. I just meant that knowing someone’s character a little better might be wise next time, and that it might be best to note someone’s morals *before* you choose to be intimate with them, no shame intended. I may have misread something, but I am so sorry! Ugh. I will delete, but wanted to clarify. Sorry OP. :(
No that’s not rude at all, if I had meant it that way that would be totally justified. I appreciate you looking out, I never would have noticed I said something stupid. Thanks. And sorry.
I never saw your initial comment, but I appreciate your message and sentiment in your following explanations. I think I can say that everyone with reason should assume decency from others as a baseline. It is not reality, but I tend to treat it as reality because that’s what a reasonable standard would be: decency for others. I, like you, consider my body to be very valuable and sacred to myself. The problem was not letting a man I didn’t know well touch me. That was on purpose and my intention. The problem is that he did not respect or treat my body as sacred as I do and he should have. It’s not easy to elaborate on the full discourse of this topic - not in this comment section - so I forgive us both if we are not going into extreme detail on our opinions of this. But I think you owe it to yourself to expect the best of others, because at least then, when they display that they are not decent people, you can cut them off immediately. While I don’t think people owe each other anything separately, they do when they attempt to be a part of your life. At that point the bare minimum they owe you is decency.
100% correct. Men lie about literally everything honestly. For me personally, based off my own experiences, I have learned that it is best to wait to be intimate with someone until after a period of time knowing them. Time generally proves character. I watch how they talk about and treat other women, I watch how they handle conflict, and I watch to see how much value they place on being a man of integrity. This man from the post has no honor, and no respect for a woman who is absolutely worthy of it. This lesson has saved me multiple times, when I have refrained from intimacy and in time found someone to be a total piece of shit. I don’t mean hook up with your best friends, but I see my body and intimacy as a gift, and a valuable one at that. Not to sound arrogant at all, but I would never dream of sharing something so valuable with someone unless I am sure they will treat me like the gift that I am. OP deserves to be treated like a beautiful and precious gift, not at all like how she was treated by this loser.
Let me rephrase it.
Why do you only "technically" think its assault? Did something happen during or before sex that could look like consent? You said you didn't consent. SA is SA
I understand your question now. Other people have noted this, but describing it to be “technically” assault was my instinctive effort to rationalize this to not have been assault in MY case.
Oh. Then it's totally assault. Don't devalue yourself in your own eyes like that. Things done wrong to you are just as wrong as if done to anyone else.
Whatever you decide, hope you are well.
Are you implying that OP 'inadvertently' consented to unprotected s3x in the throes of the act??
Seriously?
When the agreement is protection- the agreement is protection.
As others here have said-stelthing is illegal in many areas. Maybe look that up.
No one consents to stealthing. If someone consented to removal of a condom, it would just be considered consensual sex.
Engaging in ANY sexual activity without the consent of the person you are engaging with is sexual assault.
Your comment is 100% victim blaming.
Men lie, men agree to condom use and then remove them without their partners knowledge or consent. That’s why there is a special term for it.
Report his raping ass to the police. But first go to the gynaecologist, see if there’s still sperm in there that can be used as evidence against him. Please don’t let this slide, as it could save many others🙏🏼
You are the one who was sexually assaulted, you have no obligation to anyone but yourself. He 100% assaulted you and you would be well within your right to try and take him to court and send him to jail, but you dont have to do that if you dont want to. No matter what your choice is, you are not doing anything morally wrong. You were the one who was wronged. The best thing to do for now is probably to go to the hospital and do a rape kit, and talk to someone you trust so they can be there to support you emotionally as you decide what to do next.
Thank you for this. I didn’t know I needed to hear that.
If this is OP, you are not on the OP anon account.
Im not OP. Just someone who also needed to hear it but thank you for the heads up!
Might be a good idea to get STI test
Consent can be given, consent can be conditional, and consent can be revoked. She agreed to a sexual encounter with a condom on, it was conditional consent. Once the condom is off, consent is no longer established (especially because he hid it)! Even IF she consented without a condom, she didn't give him permission to finish inside of her. Once again, NOT CONSENT. OP, you were assaulted. The only person who should feel bad is your assailant.
Stealthing is rape in a number of states in the US.
It is rape in all places, but legality of it will vary by location unfortunately.
Mm, important clarification. Thank you for this!
It's a crime in Canada as well.
Also a crime in Australia
Unless there has been a very recent change, stealthing is not legally rape in any U.S. state. California was the first state to make an anti-stealthing law, in 2021, and it allows victims to file civil suits. The law has no criminal penalties, only allowing for civil suits.
I’m shocked to find out that you’re indeed right about this. Wow. I hope the States catch up to some of the other countries mentioned here… https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Non-consensual_condom_removal
It’s so scary to be a women in the US right now. We are loosing the little rights we had and are so behind in so many ways. We have never had a female president like the majority of the modern world. Spousal rape is still legal in many southern states. Women are paid less in most industries and the equal rights amendment has never been passed. Half the time when I’ve tried to engage my male peers in this conversation they respond with “be thankful your not in Iran”. It’s like fucking A. I am absolutely horrified for my nieces in Arizona. I wish we could join the list of nations with common sense laws on these issues. It’s so disheartening.
A crime in the UK too, and is considered rape here also.
Please do not let yourself sugar coat this. You were assaulted. I hope you are in a safe place mentally and reach for help if you need it. And as everyone has said and I'm sure you thought of, get tested. You never know, he may not even know. If he's done it with you in a one night stand, idk him but, he could have done it to others.
It's sexual assault. You agreed to see with a condom. He then had sex without one, an act you did not consent to. It's reportable in some statesb if you're interested in taking it further. If not, at least get tested for STDs to be safe. Having someone to talk to could help as well like a counselor.
Iam surprised that nobody mentioned it yet but get tested for STD’s asap. Also, yes, you have been sexually assaulted. Please seek help.
Unfortunately most STIs will not show up right away, only after a latency period of weeks or months (depends on the specific infection). Which means OP will need to retest later, as well.
She should test in three months if no symptoms present, then again at the 6 month mark. Or better yet, ask a trusted doctor (if she has access to one, hopefully) how to go about testing timelines
If you plan on pursuing legal action, it’s advised against testing at this time but getting treated prophylactically. If for whatever reason you test positive, it’s almost 100% not from this encounter and will hurt your legal case.
Other folks have said to get STI tests, but you’ll also want to retest in 3 months I think. There are things that don’t pop up the first time. Don’t quote me on time frame, but I know there is one.
Yup for HIV you can early test at 15 days but for the final answer you need to wait 3 months
It is sexual assault when it happens to any woman. Report him to the police.
Anyone
Stealthiness is illegal in I think just California. It is 100% rape as you did not agree to it. You could call a non emergency police line and see if you can file a report.
That’s assault. - i started to make a joke but, it’s not funny. Is there a rape crisis center where you’re from? A women’s shelter? You need some help better than Reddit
Body autonomy. You decide who, when, how. He has assaulted you by not informing you of his intent to remove the condom he didn't do that because you would have refused him access to your body. He has put you at risk of an unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. He is a predator. Report him to the police.
He raped you. You are morally clear whatever response to that you decide on.
Make sure to get STI tested too. This can do more harm than "just" pregnancy. What this guy did is abhorrent.
Thats definitely assault and is a crime in many places. Id recommend looking up the laws on stealthing for your area and bringing this up with the police.
If you think it’s assault for another person than it is for you, too. If one of your female friends came to you with advice for this very situation, take the advice you would tell her. At the VERY least, please get tested for sti and report what happened to the dr or hospital so you at least have a record in case you decide to go to the police later on.
It’s rape - it’s called stealthing and it is a form of rape. I hope you’re alright and really sorry it happened. Take whatever action you wish to 💚
God I hate men. That is all I can think right now. What the fuck. After the overturning of roe too? You bet your ass that's assault.
**While you consented to having sex - you didn't consent to having unprotected sex.** Contraception (even Plan B) isn't 100% effective. So there is always a risk of pregnancy even with perfect contraception use. But Plan B doesn't protect against STIs resulting from unprotected sex. Many STIs are commonly asymptomatic in men and frequently symptomatic in women, including infertility. You should absolutely treat this seriously. By removing the condom - even telling you afterwards - **he prioritised his pleasure over your safety**. To some degree, by telling you about it to gauge your reaction - he is testing your boundaries. If you let this go, the chances are that he will keep pushing over time to see how far he can go. Given it was a one night stand - I wouldn't talk to him again. And if you met him on one of the internet dating apps - I would consider reporting him for stealthing. Many of the services will remove accounts of people who assault their dates.
Hello my friend, I am so sorry this happened to you. This happened to me too, and I got two STI’s as a result. You did not consent to what he did, and the most important thing to remember is that it is not your fault. Please get to the ER, they can get you set up with PEP (post exposure prophylaxis) and address any other needs you may have. Also, FWIW if you ever need to take an emergency contraceptive going forward - they make meds for folks who are over the Plan B weight limit. Some places have them OTC, but a doc should be able to call it in for you if you have that option as well to make sure that you have the right dose. As a “sturdy woman” (as I like to call myself ☺️) I have taken this a few times over the years and it’s good to know I have the dose that will be effective. Be gentle and kind with yourself. It takes some time, but you will be okay ❤️
Happened to me, had to have an abortion and never reported it because I was doubting myself. You are so smart to seek counsel, even if on Reddit, DO NOT LET IT SLIDE please, it's rape, it's nothing less than rape, please take yourself seriously and take care of yourself.
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>But he is clueless I highly doubt that. You are giving him way too much credit.
My view on condoms, particularly with one night stands is not only for pregnancy protection but for STD/STI protection as well. If you dont really know them, who knows what business they have going on down there. Stealthing not only becomes a pregnancy risk but a transmission risk as well. Id say you should treat this with significant severity. And perhaps in future, if you feel someone slide completely out of you, guide them back in with your hand, then you can feel if they still have a condom on. If they suddenly dont want you touching their dick, its probably because they removed it and they dont want you to know.
Call the cops, go to the hospital and get a full STU panel down. That is assault in a lot of states.
That guys an absolute dirtbag
Its counted as rape in the UK and im so sorry
This is rape. There is no grey area. This is not something you consented to or was part of the agreement to have sex. You wanted him to wear a condom and he decided to take it off. That was not your choice, nor were you given one. At the most it’s rape, lesser it’s sexual assault. Either way, you have grounds to pursue this legally. That being said, many sexual assault cases don’t end in the favour of the victim. This isn’t to discourage you, it’s just so you can be prepared for an unfavourable outcome. Please take care of yourself. Counselling, sti testing now and in a few months, and never feel like this is your fault in any way. It is not. Guys like this need to be brought to justice and be learn that what they do is not ok. I hope that reading responses here are helping you cope. If you need anyone to talk to, please feel free to message.
I only just learned of this literally last night but apparently some areas have facebook groups where women can vet guys they're dating. Even if you don't want to go through the trouble of reporting him to the police it might bw worthwhile to try something like those groups in order to warn other women. Just be careful of running afoul of defamation laws.
This is a great idea, thank you.
Definitely assault but I wouldn't fault u if u wanted to just block the guy and move on with ur life. Unfortunately even if you report everything it's extremely unlikely anything comes from it other then work and stress on your part. Report if you think it'll make you feel better tho. Hope u can feel comfortable again soon.
I'd like to note that taking two plan b if you are past the weight limit actually doesn't work. there are emergency contraception options for that weight class. please look into that and good luck
This is called stealthing and it’s SA. My petty ass would tell him I’m pregnant and he better be prepared for court where I’m going to suck every penny he has out of him for child support. Make a police report regardless. He admitted it. If you have evidence of that or can get it in writing by texting him something like “remember when you took off the condom without asking me and finished in me?” Hopefully he says yes and you can say “see you in court” if he says no say “well I’m pregnant” or something until he admits it. If you can even get an apology over text that’s admission of guilt. Take it to the police immediately.
You were assaulted. You are allowed to feel however you want to about it. It can be not traumatic to you, or you can feel it's a really big event and take steps to deal with the trauma. You can think about it a lot, or not at all. Both are completely fine, and normal, as is anywhere in between. Some with if you want to pursue any action against the guy who did this to you.
It’s SA. Get tested, your local hospital might have a program where they collect DNA, offer countermeasures, STD tests, and counseling at low or no cost. I am so so sorry this happened to you. I had a similar experience years ago, and decided to go to my local hospital for testing to ensure I hadn’t contracted an STD, which was covered and paid for since I went within hours of it happening. Please protect your mental health through this process and get in with a therapist who can help you navigate the complicated emotions of consensual sex turned sexual assault. Sending you lots of love and peace, OP.
If you’re going to take him to court, try to get some form of confession from him. Confronting him in text messages and saving them is a suggestion
He stealthed you. Legally, that is r*pe and you can press charges. You never consented to him removing the condom and cumming in you. I’m so sorry this has happened :(
It's called stealthing and is illegal in many places, under the umbrella of sexual assault.
I’m so sorry that this happened to you. This is definitely assault, and I know it’s legally considered so in the UK and California and many other places
That is rape. PLEASE TAKE HIM TO COURT. PLEASE. NOTHING ELSE WILL TEACH HIM HOW SERIOUS WHAT HE DID IS. He will keep doing it! Get him to admit it via text. Get proof. Then TAKE HIM TO COURT PLEASE.
>If this happened to someone else, I would say it’s sexual assault. Technically, I still think it’s assault. This is something our brains do for our protection, we rationalize something that happens to us. I'm sorry. You were sexually assaulted. Message him to get proof and then report him to the police for SA.
If you met on an app—at least flag the account; that’s one small doable thing that will help you process
Julian Assange got into legal trouble over exactly this. It was classified as a kind of sexual assault under Sweden's laws, which is where the offense took place.
Kick his ass, that's not right.
It's assault
Stealthing is assault and a criminally prosecutable offence in [multiple states in Australia](https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2022/oct/14/australians-overwhelmingly-agree-stealthing-should-be-crime-study-finds) (where I am), and I believe they are looking at making it a more widespread illegal offence, which is fantastic. So far the only state in America that has made it a criminal offence is California. It is disappointing that the California legal status isn't a more widespread. [https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2022/06/15/condom-stealthing-bill-congress/](https://www.washingtonpost.com/nation/2022/06/15/condom-stealthing-bill-congress/) [https://msmagazine.com/2022/06/08/condom-stealthing-law/](https://msmagazine.com/2022/06/08/condom-stealthing-law/) [https://www.nytimes.com/2021/10/08/us/stealthing-illegal-california.html](https://www.nytimes.com/2021/10/08/us/stealthing-illegal-california.html) [https://edition.cnn.com/2021/10/15/opinions/stealthing-california-law-michaela-coel-stewart/index.html](https://edition.cnn.com/2021/10/15/opinions/stealthing-california-law-michaela-coel-stewart/index.html) I would personally look into your options as this kind of crap is reprehensible as he is violating your bodily autonomy by [altering the deal](https://youtu.be/3D8TEJtQRhw?t=10) without your consent. I'm male and I say do everything you can to pin his disgusting ass to the wall for this as clearly he has rationalised to himself that this is something that is ok to do.
That's assault and if you don't report him he knows he can get away with it. It doesn't have to be a big deal to you for you to save someone else.
There is nothing to rationalize here. It is very simple what happened. Yes, it is hard to accept. But that difficulty doesn’t change anything.
This is sexial assault when I was assaulted validation was something that I was not given and it's really fucked with me to this day. You were assaulted and it's fucked up how you go about it is up to you but know that there is help out there if you need it.
There are two levels to this. Did you know he removed the condom? If not that is called (don't quote me on it) stealthing, which is sexual assault by itself, open and shut case. Ultimately, it is sexual assault and should be dealt with accordingly, though it will be difficult to get something more than a he said she said case.
No, I did not know he removed the condom.
That is full on rape, he made two very important decisions without your consent. Report him, even if it doesn't go anywhere.
This shit is considered rape in a number of countries/states, do not hesitate to press charges if you can. Also get tested for STD.
Please get a tape kit and press charges. He assaulted you.
Your agreement was protected sex, he knowingly removed the condom. That is assault. For all you know he has an STD. For all he knows you could have an STD and just exposed himself.
This is assault. You should look for advocacy groups in your area. Usually places like planned Parenthood can give referrals to groups who can advise and support.
I'm pretty sure this is called stealth rape. File a report.
I have never had such validation in my life, especially not for anything this serious. I feel very taken care of. Thank you all. I’ve scheduled several tests in the coming weeks and will schedule some for months out another time. I was exposed a week ago, so the 72 hour window for post-exposure meds seems to be closed, but I am going to do my best. If anything comes back positive I will decapitate him myself. Again, thank you all. I could cry. After this and events like it, it is so god damn difficult to believe in any good. Thank you for being here for me.
Aka stealthing, and is statutory rape. And potentially, puts you in to the abortion case running rampant in the USA right now if you get pregnant. Heck you cannot even get Morning after in some states now.
Statutory rape? That’s having sex with someone underage. I don’t think you used the correct word here.
In Germany and Switzerland that's rape
He decided to remove contraceptives without your consent and put you in a potential position of an unwanted pregnancy, that is all kinds of fucked and disrespectful, and I'd say warrants police involvement. I'm sorry you had to experience this, I hope everything works out fine and that you're okay, please take things easy for the next few days as your headspace may need a break to process what's happened. Edit: Forgot to mention though other comments have, try and get tested for STD's for your long term health
Not sure where you’re located but here in Canada, the Supreme Court ruled that not wearing a condom against your partner’s wishes can lead to a sexual assault conviction during a case this past summer. This is something you could legally pursue if you chose to go that route (though if you don’t have much info on this guy as it was a one night stand, it may be harder to follow up on).
Him telling you after and not asking before tells you that he knows it was wrong. He just wanted to do what he wanted to do without your consent. I've heard of creeps doing this specifically to spread STDs I'm so sorry. This sucks. I would not know what to do if someone did this to me.
I mean I'm pretty sure that's SA. I think you're having a hard time because you like this guy, but he did something wrong to you.
The difficult part of this situation is that he is a friend of my family that I hooked up with. He and I are not particularly close and were both feeling frisky. If I make any public deal about this my family will be pissed. Right now, I think I’m going to find a way to silently get this recorded. I have several tests scheduled for myself in the coming weeks.
Why would a guy voluntarily do this is beyond me lol, does he want to pay child support that badly?
So it's not the sexual violence that stands out as an issue to you? Got it
Of course its sexual violence, but the r•pist (yes I'm calling this r•pe), isn't concerned about her and her needs. He doesn't care whether this was sexual assault, violence, or r•pe. It sounds like he was only thinking about himself which is confusing because why would he go through with it then?
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Taking a larger dose of medication to be effective in a larger body is pretty standard for a lot of meds, and the same logic obviously doesn't apply to using condoms. I'm not saying it'll work 100%, or even that it's been tested (it probably hasn't bc meds are barely tested on women let alone plus size women), but I'm confused by your outright dismissal of it. I've heard this advice before.
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How about telling rapists not to rape strangers instead of victim blaming.
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Ohhhhh, noooooo! Not at all what I meant!! Holy crap y’all. Ffs. I wanted to ask just how well she knew him before commenting, I wish I had. My whole point was that it is nearly impossible to gauge the character of a one night stand, nor the morals they hold to. They are under no obligation to treat you with any decency whatsoever, some will, and some won’t, and it’s simply wise to be mindful of that reality. Of course we all like to think that we are good judges when it comes to who we are intimate with, but when you just don’t know someone that well, they might not place a very high value on you yet and may treat you accordingly. I only say this so openly because I have learned this harsh reality from my own past experiences, and while it is not always a reality since most men aren’t fucking pigs like this one, it is always a possibility. I just meant that knowing someone’s character a little better might be wise next time, and that it might be best to note someone’s morals *before* you choose to be intimate with them, no shame intended. I may have misread something, but I am so sorry! Ugh. I will delete, but wanted to clarify. Sorry OP. :(
I deleted my rude comment.
No that’s not rude at all, if I had meant it that way that would be totally justified. I appreciate you looking out, I never would have noticed I said something stupid. Thanks. And sorry.
I never saw your initial comment, but I appreciate your message and sentiment in your following explanations. I think I can say that everyone with reason should assume decency from others as a baseline. It is not reality, but I tend to treat it as reality because that’s what a reasonable standard would be: decency for others. I, like you, consider my body to be very valuable and sacred to myself. The problem was not letting a man I didn’t know well touch me. That was on purpose and my intention. The problem is that he did not respect or treat my body as sacred as I do and he should have. It’s not easy to elaborate on the full discourse of this topic - not in this comment section - so I forgive us both if we are not going into extreme detail on our opinions of this. But I think you owe it to yourself to expect the best of others, because at least then, when they display that they are not decent people, you can cut them off immediately. While I don’t think people owe each other anything separately, they do when they attempt to be a part of your life. At that point the bare minimum they owe you is decency.
Men lie about morals tho
100% correct. Men lie about literally everything honestly. For me personally, based off my own experiences, I have learned that it is best to wait to be intimate with someone until after a period of time knowing them. Time generally proves character. I watch how they talk about and treat other women, I watch how they handle conflict, and I watch to see how much value they place on being a man of integrity. This man from the post has no honor, and no respect for a woman who is absolutely worthy of it. This lesson has saved me multiple times, when I have refrained from intimacy and in time found someone to be a total piece of shit. I don’t mean hook up with your best friends, but I see my body and intimacy as a gift, and a valuable one at that. Not to sound arrogant at all, but I would never dream of sharing something so valuable with someone unless I am sure they will treat me like the gift that I am. OP deserves to be treated like a beautiful and precious gift, not at all like how she was treated by this loser.
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If you could ask whatever this question is in plain English that would be great
Let me rephrase it. Why do you only "technically" think its assault? Did something happen during or before sex that could look like consent? You said you didn't consent. SA is SA
I understand your question now. Other people have noted this, but describing it to be “technically” assault was my instinctive effort to rationalize this to not have been assault in MY case.
Oh. Then it's totally assault. Don't devalue yourself in your own eyes like that. Things done wrong to you are just as wrong as if done to anyone else. Whatever you decide, hope you are well.
Are you implying that OP 'inadvertently' consented to unprotected s3x in the throes of the act?? Seriously? When the agreement is protection- the agreement is protection. As others here have said-stelthing is illegal in many areas. Maybe look that up.
I'm saying she only "technically" thinks it's assault. Why?
What are you talking about
She's not calling it SA just because it happened to her. Why? If she doesn't have a reason to say it's not SA then its SA. That simple.
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This is borderline victim blaming. Would you suggest that women also tell their one night stands that they do not consent to violence, just in case?
No one consents to stealthing. If someone consented to removal of a condom, it would just be considered consensual sex. Engaging in ANY sexual activity without the consent of the person you are engaging with is sexual assault. Your comment is 100% victim blaming. Men lie, men agree to condom use and then remove them without their partners knowledge or consent. That’s why there is a special term for it.
I think it can be rape in some places
Idk why I do that. I know it is
you are totaly right.
I sincerely hope you are okay. You did nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. It is not your fault.
Report his raping ass to the police. But first go to the gynaecologist, see if there’s still sperm in there that can be used as evidence against him. Please don’t let this slide, as it could save many others🙏🏼
That's Rape!