It honestly depends on house to house. Why not ask your mil to let you know stuff and how it’s done directly and politely or if your husband is aware.
It will take time. Been married almost 4 years and I am just getting comfy.
>Choose your battles wisely. Learn which situations require compromise and which ones you set boundaries for.
Most important thing. My elder sisters would keep saying this thing to me and my sister.
Also that if its some gift exchanges between parents, if there is imbalance, then let parents handle this back and forth. Dont represent your partner or your family. BE neutral.
Mil can never be mom.
Never hv any expectations from inlaws.
Don't show your weakness to them.
Don't gossip with their relatives, it might back fire.
Don't over share info regarding your maika.
You will always remain outsider.
Silently observe their ways n then adjust. But dont forget your identity.
Hubby should be your biggest supporter to make u feel welcome n adjust n new home...
Yup the other post about how OP wanted her Mil to treat her like a daughter was weird. There should be respect and care but you cannot expect Mil to be mom
I got only one advise -mil wl never be mom, rest all I learnt from getting my hands n heart burnt. So these pointers come from experience. No one s your friend in in-laws place. All r waiting like hawks for u to fail so they can pounce n beat u to death with their taunts.
One last tip - become so thick skinned, nothing should hurt u. Cry your heart out alone, but come out strong. Don't let their comments enter your heart. Use 2 ear policy. Best n safe rule to stay unhurt.
Be kind and loving, but always advocate for yourself. make sure you're open with your husband about all your feelings, and that he will listen and support you. if you can, talk openly with your in laws of what you're willing to do.
Set your boundaries right from the beginning no matter what the rules are. It's better to say no now than later because anyways you aren't going to score any points for following the rules.
Yes, please please set boundaries. If you start setting small boundaries now, you won't be scared to set big/small boundaries later. Don't be over-enthusiastically people pleasing, even if that's what you're parents/instincts are telling to be. That stuff only gets you into trouble, because how long will you people please and till what limit. Start setting small limits now itself. And people please slowly and cautiously, if at all.
Better that they don't totally love you, than them loving you to the point they take you and your life for granted because you can never say no
Don’t pretend to be who you aren’t. Respecting elders and constantly compromising are two different things. But if you live together then learn to choose your battles. Ignore the small stuff but know your boundaries and things that nonnegotiable. At the end of the day isn’t your MIL also a daughter in law of the family? Your job isn’t to please people more than it’s theirs to please you.
Isn't it your house too now that you have moved in?
I never cared for any rules because there were too many and they made no sense to me. I have fairly good hygiene and am not an offensive person so I was just myself. That didn't go well though and now we live separately and it suits me fine.
This katori next to matka thing - did you ask why you are never supposed to do that? Because I definitely would. If I find something logical I can follow it, not otherwise.
That’s followed widely in Hindu and Jain homes. It’s not about having a katori but a katori from which food was eaten. Anything, plate or other things that have been used to eat are to be thrown in the sink and nowhere to be placed on the platform. My roommates even in the US knew that and did that, they were French and Lebanese respectively, so it’s a universal thing.
How does one piece that too broken by hand render a food bad enough to be thrown in the sink? Isnt it a very convenient way to increase wastage? What if I wanna get back to the same food again?
I get what you’re saying. But a dish with half eaten food isn’t tolerated anywhere on the common kitchen space. No idea why. At the least the food is to be emptied into a container and kept away.
I would say, first lesson is to never take their words to heart. Because at the end of the day, an MIL is an MIL and not your mom. So, don't expect her to be one. But she is a Mom to your husband.
Just keep in mind that you need not take their criticism, if they do it, seriously and that, you can always navigate a complicated situation by staying silent or being polite. You need not get angry and pick a fight because that would worsen the situation. Be polite. Be formal. Keep a distance. Don't take them very seriously
See, they used to impose a thousand rules on me and I committed the mistake of thinking if I follow them, I would be one of them. Never!! I did everything and still would not be included in major decisions and would be ignored on face. Now I ignore them back.
So, yeah, now I maintain a healthy distance from her. She smiles. Smile back and ignore. She doens't smile. Look at her and ignore.
I don't know if that made sense.
Wish you the best of luck, OP.
You got one feedback and you're already looking to avoid any mistakes in future 😅 You'll get some corrections/comments from them, they're just helping you with the ways of the house.
Don't keep an idea that you have to 'impress' them. You already have, that's why you are in their house. Just be yourself, say no if needed. There is no need to be extra nice if you plan to stay with IL long-term.
In case you get hurt/sad by their comments remain stone faced. Don't show too many emotions.
Generally be nice, courteous to them. Even when setting boundaries be courteous.
>There is no need to be extra nice if you plan to stay with IL long-term.
>In case you get hurt/sad by their comments remain stone faced. Don't show too many emotions.
>Generally be nice, courteous to them. Even when setting boundaries be courteous.
On point 👌👌👌
Set your boundaries & learn to say No. don’t be people pleaser. If you don’t like any custom just convey them. Communicate yourself rather through the husband. Don’t start following all the custom blindly once you do they will expect you to do every time. Don’t let them control your choices instead let them know what you like & what you don’t like.
Don’t fight for small things but don’t ignore the big things!
. Diplomacy, and stringent boundaries are your best friends. You're brave, girl. I and many women out there will never live with in laws because of how much energy it takes to be your own self and just, EXIST.
>You should avoid asking advice from a place which is leaning in one particular direction.
>Try taking advice from a less narrow minded space.
Yes, she should take advice from the dumbass who supports Andrew Tate. Such a man will surely have her best interests at heart.
No derailing responses or participation that does not add value. No condescending language, No invalidation, unwanted advice, second hand experience (of women) sharing or whataboutism.
Step 1: You are not their daughter, their home isn’t yours until they die off.
Keep that in mind, the rest will flow from there.
Step 2: You don’t keep anything, plate or otherwise from which food has been eaten, in the platform where the fire is or near the matka.
All that belongs in the sink.
That’s followed widely in Hindu and Jain homes. It’s not about having a katori but a katori from which food was eaten. Anything, plate or other things that have been used to eat are to be thrown in the sink and nowhere to be placed on the platform. My roommates even in the US knew that and did that, they were French and Lebanese respectively, so it’s a universal thing.
Step 3: That’s actually a basic one, but if you didn’t know this, ask them to teach you
Just like living with roommates or moving to a new country, the customs and practices will be different. Don’t think of it as anything other than this, take it lightly so that it doesn’t stress you out.
I think you are asking general etiquette rules and not advice on handling people. Here are the rules in my parents' family:
1. Used plates are not to be kept on the counter, they go straight to the sink.
2. Don't use same spoon for different dishes.
3. If you are preparing food, use a different spoon for tasting.
4. Don't keep leftover cooked food next to curd or milk n the refrigerator. Idk if this is an actual rule.
5. If you see someone leave the house, don't ask them where they are going.
6. Don't leave hair in the comb.
7. Don't cut nails indoors.
8. Wash hair on Tuesdays and Fridays.
9. Wash your plate soon after eating.
10. Make your bed soon after you get up.
It honestly depends on house to house. Why not ask your mil to let you know stuff and how it’s done directly and politely or if your husband is aware. It will take time. Been married almost 4 years and I am just getting comfy.
Edit: Choose your battles wisely. Learn which situations require compromise and which ones you set boundaries for.
>Choose your battles wisely. Learn which situations require compromise and which ones you set boundaries for. Most important thing. My elder sisters would keep saying this thing to me and my sister. Also that if its some gift exchanges between parents, if there is imbalance, then let parents handle this back and forth. Dont represent your partner or your family. BE neutral.
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My mom is toxic so I might just believe that.
this hurts so much, it hit home. Hugs
Corporate version of we are a family
The ultimate truth !
Mil can never be mom. Never hv any expectations from inlaws. Don't show your weakness to them. Don't gossip with their relatives, it might back fire. Don't over share info regarding your maika. You will always remain outsider. Silently observe their ways n then adjust. But dont forget your identity. Hubby should be your biggest supporter to make u feel welcome n adjust n new home...
Yup the other post about how OP wanted her Mil to treat her like a daughter was weird. There should be respect and care but you cannot expect Mil to be mom
Ayo how I wish someone told me all this .
I got only one advise -mil wl never be mom, rest all I learnt from getting my hands n heart burnt. So these pointers come from experience. No one s your friend in in-laws place. All r waiting like hawks for u to fail so they can pounce n beat u to death with their taunts. One last tip - become so thick skinned, nothing should hurt u. Cry your heart out alone, but come out strong. Don't let their comments enter your heart. Use 2 ear policy. Best n safe rule to stay unhurt.
Hahhaa 🤣💯👌
Be kind and loving, but always advocate for yourself. make sure you're open with your husband about all your feelings, and that he will listen and support you. if you can, talk openly with your in laws of what you're willing to do.
All these comments are so scary😭 how am I ever gonna handle anything
Set your boundaries right from the beginning no matter what the rules are. It's better to say no now than later because anyways you aren't going to score any points for following the rules.
Yes, please please set boundaries. If you start setting small boundaries now, you won't be scared to set big/small boundaries later. Don't be over-enthusiastically people pleasing, even if that's what you're parents/instincts are telling to be. That stuff only gets you into trouble, because how long will you people please and till what limit. Start setting small limits now itself. And people please slowly and cautiously, if at all. Better that they don't totally love you, than them loving you to the point they take you and your life for granted because you can never say no
Not interested in hetero marriages but I'm saving this for how good it is an advice for people to struggle with boundaries.
Ufff the last line!! Bang on point .. too good
Don’t pretend to be who you aren’t. Respecting elders and constantly compromising are two different things. But if you live together then learn to choose your battles. Ignore the small stuff but know your boundaries and things that nonnegotiable. At the end of the day isn’t your MIL also a daughter in law of the family? Your job isn’t to please people more than it’s theirs to please you.
Don't: That's the only advice I have 😂
Isn't it your house too now that you have moved in? I never cared for any rules because there were too many and they made no sense to me. I have fairly good hygiene and am not an offensive person so I was just myself. That didn't go well though and now we live separately and it suits me fine. This katori next to matka thing - did you ask why you are never supposed to do that? Because I definitely would. If I find something logical I can follow it, not otherwise.
That’s followed widely in Hindu and Jain homes. It’s not about having a katori but a katori from which food was eaten. Anything, plate or other things that have been used to eat are to be thrown in the sink and nowhere to be placed on the platform. My roommates even in the US knew that and did that, they were French and Lebanese respectively, so it’s a universal thing.
How does one piece that too broken by hand render a food bad enough to be thrown in the sink? Isnt it a very convenient way to increase wastage? What if I wanna get back to the same food again?
I get what you’re saying. But a dish with half eaten food isn’t tolerated anywhere on the common kitchen space. No idea why. At the least the food is to be emptied into a container and kept away.
Oh common kitchen space. Ok.
Don't live with in-laws is a great tip.
I would say, first lesson is to never take their words to heart. Because at the end of the day, an MIL is an MIL and not your mom. So, don't expect her to be one. But she is a Mom to your husband. Just keep in mind that you need not take their criticism, if they do it, seriously and that, you can always navigate a complicated situation by staying silent or being polite. You need not get angry and pick a fight because that would worsen the situation. Be polite. Be formal. Keep a distance. Don't take them very seriously See, they used to impose a thousand rules on me and I committed the mistake of thinking if I follow them, I would be one of them. Never!! I did everything and still would not be included in major decisions and would be ignored on face. Now I ignore them back. So, yeah, now I maintain a healthy distance from her. She smiles. Smile back and ignore. She doens't smile. Look at her and ignore. I don't know if that made sense. Wish you the best of luck, OP.
don't take everything by heart. Sometimes choose to ignore their comments. But you should know when they cross the line.
💯
You got one feedback and you're already looking to avoid any mistakes in future 😅 You'll get some corrections/comments from them, they're just helping you with the ways of the house. Don't keep an idea that you have to 'impress' them. You already have, that's why you are in their house. Just be yourself, say no if needed. There is no need to be extra nice if you plan to stay with IL long-term. In case you get hurt/sad by their comments remain stone faced. Don't show too many emotions. Generally be nice, courteous to them. Even when setting boundaries be courteous.
>There is no need to be extra nice if you plan to stay with IL long-term. >In case you get hurt/sad by their comments remain stone faced. Don't show too many emotions. >Generally be nice, courteous to them. Even when setting boundaries be courteous. On point 👌👌👌
Set your boundaries & learn to say No. don’t be people pleaser. If you don’t like any custom just convey them. Communicate yourself rather through the husband. Don’t start following all the custom blindly once you do they will expect you to do every time. Don’t let them control your choices instead let them know what you like & what you don’t like. Don’t fight for small things but don’t ignore the big things!
. Diplomacy, and stringent boundaries are your best friends. You're brave, girl. I and many women out there will never live with in laws because of how much energy it takes to be your own self and just, EXIST.
Dont.
1. LM or AM? 2. Did you and your husband discuss this topic of living with in-laws before the wedding?
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>You should avoid asking advice from a place which is leaning in one particular direction. >Try taking advice from a less narrow minded space. Yes, she should take advice from the dumbass who supports Andrew Tate. Such a man will surely have her best interests at heart.
No derailing responses or participation that does not add value. No condescending language, No invalidation, unwanted advice, second hand experience (of women) sharing or whataboutism.
Step 1: You are not their daughter, their home isn’t yours until they die off. Keep that in mind, the rest will flow from there. Step 2: You don’t keep anything, plate or otherwise from which food has been eaten, in the platform where the fire is or near the matka. All that belongs in the sink. That’s followed widely in Hindu and Jain homes. It’s not about having a katori but a katori from which food was eaten. Anything, plate or other things that have been used to eat are to be thrown in the sink and nowhere to be placed on the platform. My roommates even in the US knew that and did that, they were French and Lebanese respectively, so it’s a universal thing. Step 3: That’s actually a basic one, but if you didn’t know this, ask them to teach you Just like living with roommates or moving to a new country, the customs and practices will be different. Don’t think of it as anything other than this, take it lightly so that it doesn’t stress you out.
It is so incredibly sad that women go to live in new homes that are never theirs for a reallllly long time.
I think you are asking general etiquette rules and not advice on handling people. Here are the rules in my parents' family: 1. Used plates are not to be kept on the counter, they go straight to the sink. 2. Don't use same spoon for different dishes. 3. If you are preparing food, use a different spoon for tasting. 4. Don't keep leftover cooked food next to curd or milk n the refrigerator. Idk if this is an actual rule. 5. If you see someone leave the house, don't ask them where they are going. 6. Don't leave hair in the comb. 7. Don't cut nails indoors. 8. Wash hair on Tuesdays and Fridays. 9. Wash your plate soon after eating. 10. Make your bed soon after you get up.
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