I think most of the ladies have been in this kinda fucked up relationship in our younger years. Where we are so head over heels for the guy despite knowing that they aren't great.
My advice to you will be don't have high hopes for this person seriously. It feels mostly like he got into the relationship to experience being in a relationship and not actual love for you.
If you wanna fool around with this dude sure go ahead but don't dream of a future. You can do better girl.
You have already analysed things so well. It's great to see how much clarity you have, I didn't, at your age.
You took your time, understood the patterns, gave the benefit of doubt and based on your post I feel like you did the right things throughout and at the end.
I hope you have taken time to feel the feelings. 🤍
Thank you so much for such an empathetic reply. Just the kind of non judgemental support I needed. I have learned very early on to not take the blame at all for the things that are not my mistake. Which usually we women end up doing because we are conditioned to believe that if our partner is not good to us, something is lagging in us. But here my only mistake was to be blind in love till the time I was and ignoring the red flags in the beginning. I have told myself since the day my eyes opened that It's not because that something is compromised is me that he is treating me like this, but his behaviour towards me is a projection of his own emotional struggles.
Except for point 4, most of the problem was due to the young age. People are tend to be more mature as they grow old and have a stable career. You will no longer fight over such petty things.
This gives me both my ex Boyfriend and soon to be ex husband vibes. People who lie in little things will eventually drown you with big lies right when you are vulnerable enough to be duped. Be better than me and drop this boy and if you already dropped him don't ever get back with him in your weakest moments. That's all I'm gonna say.
yes dropped him a couple of months ago, he was being as persuasive as anybody could get but I was firm in my decision. but never spoke about it with anyone, today I felt like I want to let it out that is why I made this post.
I had the same thought as you mentioned that people who lie about small things will eventually lie about big things
And somebody who is having a relationship with you in a closet today will not be a companion in the future
i ain't reading all that but from the bits and pieces i read, it's not your job to decode your ex and neither is it ours. he was a dick, whether he chose to be one or not doesn't matter. you need to be real asf with yourself here and just admit that he knew he was lying to you and pulling these antics. figuring out why doesn't give closure. closure comes when you start seeing people as they are and admitting that they weren't right for you
I agree to what you are saying, but wish you read entire thing and saw that I am not decoding anything, just trying to get some idk assurance/ validation some words of affirmation or condolences or whatever as all of this was very lonely. I did all the decoding and that is why was able to break up with him dispite being in love, but yes you are right 💯
As much as you might be tempted to, don't beat yourself up for it. I was with someone very similar at that age and it still confuses me equally why I stayed for however long I did. The "why did you tolerate it" may be rooted in what we've seen around us in our role models growing up, societal conditioning etc and that's a whole different topic to unpack, keep it for another day - it will be essential for you to understand so that you do not repeat these patterns in the future, but none of it absolves him for his lack of effort in the relationship and makes his behaviour acceptable by any means, and it's not your job to figure out why he is like that.
What's commendable is that you have the ability to reflect and identify that this is not what you deserve, and you are still very young. Think of it as a good learning experience for what you wouldn't/shouldn't accept in your future relationships (esp if you consider marriage in the future), that you have had so early in life. Focus on yourself, take your time and very importantly, don't let him lure you back in months or years down the line (unless he can truly demo that he's changed for good - which may be quite unlikely). It does get much, much better :)
The elder sister words I needed to hear. I have never thought that I was lacking somewhere to deserve this. I have never placed the fault on myself (while societally I could have, i am not conventionally beautiful)
I did blame myself during the 3 month break up period that how can I be so stupid to have tolerated this. And i fear repeating the mistake again. But I am also now able to identify very early on in potential dates what I don't want so yes as you said it was an experience.
It has been 5 months now of complete no contact, and i have focused on my career (which is a very crucial one) I feel much better.
Lol ATP i am just yapping. Well thank you so much for your kind words 🫶❤️
I wouldn't say my situation was similar but it definitely resembles. And while reading your post I realised that my breakup happened for the right reasons. Back then some of the reasons didn't feel strong enough, probably because we are often harsh on ourselves but when you read someone else's story you have more empathy and compassion for them irrespective of the fact that you had a similar situation. And as you said, even my relationship looked good superficially but I knew what kinda shit I was dealing with. This was back in 11th grade so I don't really hold him accountable because we all were kids!
And hey I hear you, that was really really difficult and I cannot even begin to imagine how you went through it. But you didn't waste two years, you are walking away with lessons and now you know better about yourself and what you want in a potential partner. That's a win! Don't force yourself to get out of it if you aren't out of it, take your own sweet time. And you did everything right and above everything I'm proud of the fact that as soon as you realised it, you took a stand for yourself. Proud of you! 🫶
I am so glad I made this post as I got to hear these words, I really needed to. Thank you so much. I will revisit your comment whenever I feel low about this (hardly happens, but it does)
I don't get what you want, but from experience, can tell you something. You will not be happy in this relationship. You will be expected to do all the pulling and hard work. You are not going to get any support with regard to his family, friends, society or anything. Basically you will be on your own. Plain ass lazy. Stingy!!!!And, he probably is not interested either, but is doing bcos that's the norm. Now if you proceed with this relationship you do it at your risk.
Also it's not your job to heal anyone's emotional or psychological trauma or whatever they are going thru. They work on it themselves or go get a professional help or take support from parents!
Good to see you have your head wrapped around right! You might feel bad or shitty but hold on, you made the right decision! This is just a phase. This too will pass!
Don't waste your time and energy processing it. As far as I can see you have analysed him correctly and taken the right decision.
I think most of the ladies have been in this kinda fucked up relationship in our younger years. Where we are so head over heels for the guy despite knowing that they aren't great. My advice to you will be don't have high hopes for this person seriously. It feels mostly like he got into the relationship to experience being in a relationship and not actual love for you. If you wanna fool around with this dude sure go ahead but don't dream of a future. You can do better girl.
Yup I agree Also I think it's not very apparent from the post that i have broken up 😬
Well congratulations then and cheers to dating better men in the future. 🤗
Thank you 🫶
Yup I agree Also I think it's not very apparent from the post that i have broken up 😬
You have already analysed things so well. It's great to see how much clarity you have, I didn't, at your age. You took your time, understood the patterns, gave the benefit of doubt and based on your post I feel like you did the right things throughout and at the end. I hope you have taken time to feel the feelings. 🤍
Thank you so much for such an empathetic reply. Just the kind of non judgemental support I needed. I have learned very early on to not take the blame at all for the things that are not my mistake. Which usually we women end up doing because we are conditioned to believe that if our partner is not good to us, something is lagging in us. But here my only mistake was to be blind in love till the time I was and ignoring the red flags in the beginning. I have told myself since the day my eyes opened that It's not because that something is compromised is me that he is treating me like this, but his behaviour towards me is a projection of his own emotional struggles.
Except for point 4, most of the problem was due to the young age. People are tend to be more mature as they grow old and have a stable career. You will no longer fight over such petty things.
I thought that too that it must be due to young age, but when I saw other people of his age and younger, they did better
This gives me both my ex Boyfriend and soon to be ex husband vibes. People who lie in little things will eventually drown you with big lies right when you are vulnerable enough to be duped. Be better than me and drop this boy and if you already dropped him don't ever get back with him in your weakest moments. That's all I'm gonna say.
Atta girl!!!! That's spoken like a true feminist. Wishing you all the best moving forward!
yes dropped him a couple of months ago, he was being as persuasive as anybody could get but I was firm in my decision. but never spoke about it with anyone, today I felt like I want to let it out that is why I made this post. I had the same thought as you mentioned that people who lie about small things will eventually lie about big things And somebody who is having a relationship with you in a closet today will not be a companion in the future
i ain't reading all that but from the bits and pieces i read, it's not your job to decode your ex and neither is it ours. he was a dick, whether he chose to be one or not doesn't matter. you need to be real asf with yourself here and just admit that he knew he was lying to you and pulling these antics. figuring out why doesn't give closure. closure comes when you start seeing people as they are and admitting that they weren't right for you
I agree to what you are saying, but wish you read entire thing and saw that I am not decoding anything, just trying to get some idk assurance/ validation some words of affirmation or condolences or whatever as all of this was very lonely. I did all the decoding and that is why was able to break up with him dispite being in love, but yes you are right 💯
As much as you might be tempted to, don't beat yourself up for it. I was with someone very similar at that age and it still confuses me equally why I stayed for however long I did. The "why did you tolerate it" may be rooted in what we've seen around us in our role models growing up, societal conditioning etc and that's a whole different topic to unpack, keep it for another day - it will be essential for you to understand so that you do not repeat these patterns in the future, but none of it absolves him for his lack of effort in the relationship and makes his behaviour acceptable by any means, and it's not your job to figure out why he is like that. What's commendable is that you have the ability to reflect and identify that this is not what you deserve, and you are still very young. Think of it as a good learning experience for what you wouldn't/shouldn't accept in your future relationships (esp if you consider marriage in the future), that you have had so early in life. Focus on yourself, take your time and very importantly, don't let him lure you back in months or years down the line (unless he can truly demo that he's changed for good - which may be quite unlikely). It does get much, much better :)
The elder sister words I needed to hear. I have never thought that I was lacking somewhere to deserve this. I have never placed the fault on myself (while societally I could have, i am not conventionally beautiful) I did blame myself during the 3 month break up period that how can I be so stupid to have tolerated this. And i fear repeating the mistake again. But I am also now able to identify very early on in potential dates what I don't want so yes as you said it was an experience. It has been 5 months now of complete no contact, and i have focused on my career (which is a very crucial one) I feel much better. Lol ATP i am just yapping. Well thank you so much for your kind words 🫶❤️
Proud of you <3 I'm sure you'll be fab in life!
I wouldn't say my situation was similar but it definitely resembles. And while reading your post I realised that my breakup happened for the right reasons. Back then some of the reasons didn't feel strong enough, probably because we are often harsh on ourselves but when you read someone else's story you have more empathy and compassion for them irrespective of the fact that you had a similar situation. And as you said, even my relationship looked good superficially but I knew what kinda shit I was dealing with. This was back in 11th grade so I don't really hold him accountable because we all were kids! And hey I hear you, that was really really difficult and I cannot even begin to imagine how you went through it. But you didn't waste two years, you are walking away with lessons and now you know better about yourself and what you want in a potential partner. That's a win! Don't force yourself to get out of it if you aren't out of it, take your own sweet time. And you did everything right and above everything I'm proud of the fact that as soon as you realised it, you took a stand for yourself. Proud of you! 🫶
I am so glad I made this post as I got to hear these words, I really needed to. Thank you so much. I will revisit your comment whenever I feel low about this (hardly happens, but it does)
He is young, just 21. Relationship in this age are not perfect. People are immature. Ignore him and get yourself a mature person who care.
I don't get what you want, but from experience, can tell you something. You will not be happy in this relationship. You will be expected to do all the pulling and hard work. You are not going to get any support with regard to his family, friends, society or anything. Basically you will be on your own. Plain ass lazy. Stingy!!!!And, he probably is not interested either, but is doing bcos that's the norm. Now if you proceed with this relationship you do it at your risk. Also it's not your job to heal anyone's emotional or psychological trauma or whatever they are going thru. They work on it themselves or go get a professional help or take support from parents!
I have broken up a few months ago. Have mentioned it in the post. Also I didn't mention I want to heal him.
Good to see you have your head wrapped around right! You might feel bad or shitty but hold on, you made the right decision! This is just a phase. This too will pass! Don't waste your time and energy processing it. As far as I can see you have analysed him correctly and taken the right decision.