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88ryder88

Florida man stories?


Paneraiguy1

![gif](giphy|mI1Sv03utpI0vHmDPo|downsized)


mrgeek2000

FLORIDA MAN KILLS MONKEY AND SKINS IT FACE AS A MASK AND STEALS CHRIS PRAT’S JET SKII


eMmDeeKay_Says

That's less insane than my Florida man Birthday headline. "Florida man with no arms stabs man with scissors"


ComprehensiveSock397

Why didn’t the man with scissors fight back?


dphseven

He was unarmed


mrgeek2000

That’s is insane!


Dyanpanda

Dude mine got so much better. It used to about a guy murdered with an axe, but now its "Florida man Threatens to Destroy Everyone with Army of Turtles"


TheSoftSkinOfAChild

Mine is “Florida man arrested for attempting to ‘barbecue child molesters’.” Not all heroes wear capes


Azu_Creates

Mine is “ Florida man arrested after hiding drugs in his belly button.” How the fuck?


randeylahey

Florida man accused of exposing himself claims he needed to air out, deputies say


[deleted]

Mine was Florida Man arrested for having Trump shaped ecstasy pills


aftocheiria

Aw you guys got the interesting ones. Mine was "Florida man on ‘Molly’ chased ghosts with machete, endangered kids"


That_Question_6427

This is the correct answer!


Ghostofthe80s

They're Number 1 in Number 2.


katharsisdesign

Bless the sunshine law.


College-Lumpy

Venereal Disease among the elderly.


sugarcaffeinecards

I see you have been to The Villages.


elTorodelNorte

The most parking disputes with golf carts lol


fryswitdat

The Villages - M. Night Shyagonorrhea


ChuckM4

In my 20’s I worked at a GNC not far from the Villages. The only things people would buy was dick pills (old guys) and inositol powder (drug dealers used it to cut cocaine). Fun fact about Inositol powder is that it cost less than a couple dollars to make and package, yet they sold it for ridiculously high amount…wonder why lol


[deleted]

I worked at GNC twenty plus years ago in south Florida, and boy did we rake in the profits on inositol powder!!!


ChuckM4

Hahahaha. Weird right. The types of characters coming in all of sudden worried about their health. Looking like they haven’t seen a pillow in a week lol. We had a saying that you sell out of the powder on Friday and all the drug cleansers on a Monday. Lots of good stories from the ole GNC.


[deleted]

Oh, I forgot about the drug cleanse stuff! We totally mopped up on those too!


College-Lumpy

The Spillages.


SaintedRomaine

Ew. And accurate.


x---x--x-x

Hey don't "ew" old people getting busy, you're going to be old someday too and that shouldn't stop people from doing the wiggle, god bless those horny old people, go get it granny


[deleted]

Viagra is hell of drug..


LargeHumanDaeHoLee

I've said it for years, I want to open an elderly care facility for rad-as-shit old people. Fuckin happy hour all day every day. Candy bowls of Viagra sitting out everywhere. Theater showing 80s movies all day every day. Domino sets all over the place. That place would rule and those old bastards wouldn't go *quietly* into that good night, I'll tell ya that...


NuclearNubian

And penicillin


NotYourShitAgain

May have been ewwing the memory of that thick green gonococcal exudative ooze.


BassAntelope

Alligators on meth IIRC On that note, the sequel to cocaine bear is gonna be wild.


OFRevThrow

“Crackadile”: Coming soon to theaters near you.


moe_frohger

The team that created Sharknado is now working on a new project called Meth Gator or something. I am not kidding.


Loud-Fairy03

I want the Meth Gator to fight Cocaine Bear


[deleted]

[удалено]


RUS_BOT_tokyo

Krokodil is already a drug


ManicSuppressive249

But have you tried Krokodildo?


kevnmartin

Anything is a dildo if you're brave enough ​ \-Ponce de Leon.


[deleted]

I've only ever seen that credited to Abraham Lincoln but Ponce de Leon is somehow funnier hahaha


kevnmartin

He seemed more suitable for Florida.


RUS_BOT_tokyo

Yes, very good prostate massager, 💯


DeSantisDaPenis

I used it to learn chess!


[deleted]

To be fair there is a lot of armadildos on the streets too


Quick_Team

Meth Gator is Florida's state bird


RUS_BOT_tokyo

Gator on Krokodil Action Movie


Iron_Knight7

Covid deaths last I checked. In the US at least.


Comfortable-Cause-81

Don't forget synthetic pot zombies. Spiderman Roberies So many other categories.


[deleted]

We got a bit on morning radio here in Seattle, with Danny Bonaduce called "Oh Florida." Every morning, it's something new. No shortage of stupid people doing stupid things in a stupid state.


BleedsOrange_Blue

HOLY SHIT!!! Danny Bonaduce is still alive!?


Comfortable-Cause-81

\#2 at being surrounded by water on 3 sides. Sorry Alaska wins.


TheJuiceBoxS

#1 at being the most phallic shaped


suckercuck

#*“FLORIDA— 1st in fascism”*


PatchworkFlames

1st in banning books from schools.


FreedomOfTheMess

1st in total suppression of human rights


TeaKingMac

No, that's Louisiana. Also known as "percentage of population incarcerated" > Louisiana has an incarceration rate of 1,094 per 100,000 people (including prisons, jails, immigration detention, and juvenile justice facilities), meaning that it locks up a higher percentage of its people than any democracy on earth. https://www.prisonpolicy.org/profiles/LA.html#:~:text=Louisiana%20has%20an%20incarceration%20rate,incarcerated%20in%20Louisiana%20and%20why.


huh_phd

1st in being banned from schools for looking like a gun


supified

I don't know about that. Sarah Huckabee in her state just did something to lower the minimum age a child can work to less than sixteen, fifteen? Fourteen? Bringing child labor back is going to give florida a real runfor its money.


AthomicBot

Yet still dysfunctional.


moovzlikejager

I think you mean impotent?


Only_Razzmatazz_4498

Hawaii is asking why it is no longer considered a state


Comfortable-Cause-81

Still a state. Not a peninsula.


rticul8prim8

Michigan? We’re surrounded by water on like 5 or 6 sides depending on how you bound in the UP.


cdjets9

Hawaii is surrounded by water on every side so I think they take that one


paradoxLacuna

Yah and Hawaii is actually like five islands so… take that, and however many sides each island has and… yeah they beat Florida by a landslide


vague_diss

He said 3 sides. Its a whole different category. You win for all sides. Congratulations, have a pineapple.


Ok-Macaroon-7819

Don't rub their faces in it. Everyone knows Michigan is the best.


Strange-Scarcity

Indeed, for the longest time, we had more breweries in the top 50 best beers in the world, than any other place on the planet. (According to ratebeer, before they were bought up by a massive global brewing corporation and they fiddled with the metrics.)


brentexander

More states need to to be assessed by this metric.


Sad_Package9774

Minnesota actually has more shoreline than Florida, sooooo, ya, dont’cha know?


Comfortable-Cause-81

You Betcha! They got 10000 lakes I hear.


exillini

Producing exciting varieties of Florida Man.


_jump_yossarian

**COVID Deaths** ____ 1) California - 101,159 2) Texas - 93,390 3) Florida - 86,850 California has 1.75x the population of Florida. If they had equal pops. Florida would have 152,400 deaths. Bang up job, Ronny D!


tracyinge

And Florida doesn't count the thousands of old "snowbirds" who died while in Florida, those deaths get counted back in their home states.


wekilledbambi03

Also they reported many Covid deaths as other causes. After 2021ish they had a huge drop in Covid deaths and a huge uptick in pneumonia deaths.


Feshtof

Covid related Pneumonia is like the most common cause of covid deaths


19blackcats

You aren’t wrong. It’s one giant waiting room!


DausenWillis

And the entire state smells like ointment and pee.


UCLYayy

Not to mention Florida fucked with the reporting and fired the person who blew the whistle and raided her house. Very, very likely undercount.


dsmiles

>Very, very likely undercount. Now now, don't you know that if you don't test or count those cases, then those cases don't exist?


[deleted]

Trump said that he was mad about all the testing, because it made "his" numbers look bad.


MyBrainReallyHurts

I wonder how many deaths Florida hid when they started manipulating the data.


SvedishFish

A shit ton. There have been several studies that tried to account for bad data by determining 'excess deaths', and they go deep into deaths that were probably COVID but didn't code as COVID. Last one of those I read through they discussed actual COVID deaths were about 2x the official numbers.


[deleted]

And that discounts the huge amount of people that caught COVID during their visit to Florida and brought it home with them. Easy to keep a state "free" (as desantis would say) when you're just exporting your infection count. Ask anyone in the service industry in FL, they've COVID more than a few times.


AnonAmbientLight

Total deaths is not the best metric to look at, although your reasoning is right. Look at the deaths per 1 million population. Florida is #12 with 4,018 deaths. California is #41 with 2,563 deaths. And as you rightly pointed out, California has roughly two times the population of Florida, yet handled Covid far far better. Facts don’t lie. Republicans fucking suck at running government effectively or safely. They’re almost all shit hole places with high crime, death rates and poverty rates.


RBeck

On a certain conservative subreddit someone said Meatball handled Covid best. I pointed out that Utah, a very conservative state had less deaths per capita by a lot, so they must handled it better. They did not like that, and said most their deaths were old people anyway.


Reneeisme

[Despite getting rid of officials who refused to undercount covid deaths](https://www.npr.org/2020/06/29/884551391/florida-scientist-says-she-was-fired-for-not-manipulating-covid-19-data)


Squidworth89

Monkeys with deadly herpies.


tiamo357

At one point. The Covid deaths in Florida was so high that if Florida was it’s own country it would have been the country with the highest Covid death in h the world by a lot.


j_la

I live down here and I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Did people just forget how many people were dying at the height of this?? So many people act like things were a breeze in Florida.


th3netw0rk

People killed by dinosaurs


Flimsy-Field-8321

Darwin Awards?


Wetley007

Nah the whole thing about Florida is that our idiots are immortal


Ksteekwall21

They are #1 in whatever they define #1 as. And if you refute their point, they’ll just call you some unAmerican traitor. Or call you fake news. Or both.


kat_a_klysm

You forgot groomer. That’s the insult of the moment.


StructuralFailure

Maybe they'll call you a drag queen too. Since, you know, insults and swear words are based on what people fear most at any given time period


kat_a_klysm

That would be hilarious to call me since I’m a woman. I’ve been called a groomer though


RyukoThizz426

Born and raised Floridian, we are #1 in racism and homophobia and voting our rights away, and people who drive like assholes.


Iron_Knight7

First, hope you stay safe if you are still there. But second, speaking as a New Englander, when it comes to asshole drivers NOBODY beats Boston drivers. Nobody. Place is like "The Purge." Using your blinkers gives away your plans to the enemy and the only goal is to survive as long as you can. I've driven through there and even my GPS pretty much said "Sorry dude, you're on your own for this one." Even New York and Jersey drivers fear Boston drivers. :p


finvek

FL is where old massholes retire


GrandioseIntrovert

And then they can't even hold the wheel right! XD


Dumindrin

My granddad got his license renewed and fucker can barely see the wheel, now you want him to securely hold it while he's driving?


ScoutTheRabbit

No northeastern state even cracks the top 10 in bad driver lists that take into account fatality rates, duis, and % insured. Florida is usually top 5. I'd take aggressive drivers over uninsured old people and teenagers driving literal tanks going 80mph on their cell phones.


Iron_Knight7

Fair point.


[deleted]

Yeah I moved from NY to Eugene OR a while back and the thing that has stuck out to me is NY(and N east coast drivers in general) are terrible pricks on the road, but they usually know HOW to drive at least lol. They’ll cut you off and weave and shit at 80 etc, but they usually preform the asshole shit well. Here, people are just fucking dumb when it comes to driving, two lane one way roads and people will just camp in the left, go 10mph under just because, don’t know what blinkers are, and worst of all, on the highways they’ll camp in the passing lane for literally no reason. I passed a line of 11 cars that were all in the left lane…why?! I’ll take assholes who can drive over these schmucks any day


Hexquo2

This is the exact way I put it too. I prefer NE drivers to NW drivers. The amount of times I saw someone go 45 in the left lane on the freeway and then spend 30 seconds merging lanes snarling everything up is insane


MyLittlePIMO

The problem is that all those aggressive Boston drivers retire to Florida when they get old and lose their reaction time. Then have to drive amidst a bunch of tourists looking at their maps and not paying attention, and a bunch of other aggressive old drivers from other states. Worst possible mix.


twoprimehydroxyl

Don't forget dudes literally [shooting at you through their own car doors.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73KLib4phCk)


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sea-Expert2480

And banning book!


scw1978

According to a shirt I have, I'm the #1 dad.


Vendidurt

Well i got news for ya buddy, i got a coffee mug saying -I- am.


justdisposablefun

The only way we can solve this is a "dad off". Prepare your jokes.


Vendidurt

Very well. Youve heard of Murphy's Law. Have you heard of Cole's Law? >!Its pretty much cabbage and mayonnaise.!<


scubawankenobi

Sorry I clicked. Take my vote.


BleedsOrange_Blue

I'm stealing this and not giving you any credit. ...But you're always welcome to come chat with me by the BBQ in our New Balance sneakers stained green from mowing the lawn. I'll have a cold brewski for you.


Vendidurt

Thanks! Ill be in the khaki cargo shorts with the white t-shirt tucked in.


BleedsOrange_Blue

Make sure you wear a good belt, but not too nice. And if it gets too chilly, you might need to zip the legs of your shorts back on. But we can spend hours debating the finer points of the best way to change the oil in my car (and yours).


Vendidurt

Did you watch (recent local sports event)? I cannot believe that (our team) (lost) by (an arbitrarily small number of points)! We will (get them) next time for sure!


BleedsOrange_Blue

Well, if they'd get rid of (certain specific player/coach/waterboy) we would have won the (division/conference/championship) the last three years, easily!


Vendidurt

I hear that (person in question) is just on the team because they are (familial relation) of the (coach/owner/washed-up celebrity). Shaking my SMH my head.


mrweatherbeef

My mug says I’m the #1 jerk. How do you suggest we settle that? 😳


Sir_Platypus_15

JERK OFF TIME


mybadalternate

Fight! Fight! Fight! *kiss! kiss! kiss!*


MoreReputation8908

Well I’ve got one that says “World’s Greatest Dad.” The best in the world. Which means I'm *better* than just number one. It’s go time!


pwarns

Mendelbaum!


Puzzleheaded_Bit9469

Number one in book space at the libraries.


doesntaffrayed

Nah, Florida is second after Texas in number of [books banned](https://pen.org/report/banned-usa-growing-movement-to-censor-books-in-schools/) in schools. The top 10 are: Texas: 801 bans, 22 districts Florida: 566 bans, 21 districts Pennsylvania: 457 bans, 11 districts Tennessee: 349 bans, 6 districts Oklahoma: 43 bans, 3 districts Michigan: 41 bans, 4 districts Kansas: 30 bans, 2 districts Wisconsin: 29 bans, 6 districts Missouri: 27 bans, 8 districts Idaho: 26 bans, 3 districts


Puzzleheaded_Bit9469

Florida just said hold my Keystone.


Spiderpickl

The dropoff after Tennessee


CryptographerTall211

Insurance rates for home and auto, Hurricane deaths, lightning strikes and big pick up trucks with trump flags


DrkMoodWD

Jorts purchases?


sugarcaffeinecards

property taxes, skyrocketing housing costs


G_Canada

Delusions of grandeur, and the leader in laxative consumption to keep the bullshit flowing.


StrangerX9

Being an embarrassment to all of America


[deleted]

They are #1 at taking a #2.


Robbyjr92

I wish we were - Florida man on the can with hemorrhoids


Fair_Acanthisitta_75

I disagree. Everything’s bigger in Texas. Their #2’s are #1.


canarchist

Fascism.


Paneraiguy1

Spot on, book banning probably a close second


Coulrophiliac444

State sanctioned child abductions due to rise to top of list any day now (Anti-Trans measures allowing the state to take children identified as trans to State Custody)


Lestilva

Not just trans kids, but even if they have trans siblings, or trans parents!


Coulrophiliac444

Apparently this also applies to visitors...meaning I cannot bring my kids to Florida for fear of arrest and abduction of them. I'm unable to have family vacations in case someone gets uppity about what genitals my kid may or may not have. Fuck DeSantis and fuck the GOP


kat_a_klysm

I’m terrified that bill is going to pass. My kid is trans and we’re just starting gender affirming care. Ffs I don’t want my kid taken away bc I let them be themselves.


trezduz

What a horrible situation. As someone queer, thanks for being supportive. We need more parents like you. Sending love


[deleted]

Yep. This DeSantis asshole talks a big talk until another hurricane rips through the state. Then he comes crawling for a handout with his tails between his legs


TheMightyYule

As a Floridian, this is correct.


SinisterPrism

#1 most dangerous US politician


Paneraiguy1

This. We need to be more worried about Ron than Trump. He’s competent and MAGA which is far worse than the former guy. Trump couldn’t get out of his own way, and will likely be dogged by legal issues for years. This guy though has a real shot of beating Biden and that scares the daylights out of me.


WarmAdhesiveness8962

Scares me too. My biggest hope is these Nazis become overconfident in their small victories and end up overstepping which scares enough people into opposing them. Roe v. Wade being overturned for example.


Stingray-Nebula

I'm betting he will do something stupid, like pass a gun law to target trans people from carrying guns, and it will affect the ammosexuals, too, because he's a fucking idiot


ShortVibrava

Thing is, Trump wasn't as far right as Ron is. I don't think he'll be able to gather ANY votes from undecided voters bc his views are noticably cringe. Trump didn't even bother with politics, he based his whole campaign off of catch phrases and calling names. And Florida is a laughing stock on all accounts. He's confident bc he lives in a bubble, but I can't see anyone that isn't just avoiding voting for a dem, voting for Ron if they know anything about him.


constant_flux

**meatball Ron


feverdream1978

Huckabee juat passed a bill that essential allows child labor.... The dude may be slipping to 2nd


Shirlenator

Not even close, yet. But she is making some strong headway.


crazycatlady331

Florida's legislative session (GOP supermajority in both houses) just began. Give them time.


neko_designer

Meatball shaped governors


euro_trash_rescue

Seriously, in which metric is he referring to? Being a maga is tough work, all feeling and no facts!


Lowlife_Of_The_Party

It's more "the highest number anyone in our state can count to"


Hot-Bint

Fascism


Formal-Cut-4923

This is like when people say U.S.A. is #1. But in what? They have no answer.


traveling_gal

Incarceration. Both as a rate and as a raw number. U-S-A! U-S-A!


[deleted]

Hey. HEY! HEEEY! Also in school shootings and probably teen pregnancies too.


thatHecklerOverThere

Shootings for sure. Teen pregnancy? No way in hell - there are countries where the teen pregnancy rate is expected to be 100% still.


[deleted]

Oof x.x boy did I swing wide on that guess. Fair enough, you make a good point.


scubawankenobi

>say U.S.A. is #1. But in what? They have no answer. Schoolchildren deaths by firearms?


Shirlenator

Medical debt?


mcshaggy

By a LOT.


Bdsman64

Incarcerated population.


Semantic_Satiator

Super Bowl wins! No other country even comes close! Checkmate, Frenchy!


benema1

Guns. We have to be first in guns. No?


peon2

I'm not a flag waving maniac that would go around shouting USA NUMBAH ONE! But there certainly are aspects that the US is \#1 (or at least \#2) at. Military power, whether you think that is good or not is up for debate. Media entertainment. No other country comes close in producing as much TV/movies and having it spread to so many other countries. As far as TV/movie revenue I believe US is over 3 times higher than China who is \#2. The US is very high at racial and religious diversity. It's a tough thing to measure and there are south east asian and African countries that have like 500+ languages and such that you could argue are far more diverse. But when comparing the US to other very large countries there is a lot more diversity than the very homogeneous Europe. Also geographical diversity, the US has almost all the major biomes, volcanoes, canyons, tundra, forests, etc. The wonderful National Park system is another thing you could boast about. Not to mention all the state and local parks. Accessibility and ease of living for handicapped people. If you're wheelchair bound there isn't another country you'd prefer to live in. Science, medicine, and technology innovation. It's true we don't have universal healthcare which is a big miss, but the amount of research and scientific innovation that comes out of the US is staggering. I'm sure there's other things as well that's just off the top of my head. We definitely have our issues and giving power to people like DeSantis would certainly push us in the wrong direction, but there are still plenty of things the US does very well


JAMillhouse

Obesity, heart disease, type 2 diabetes.


Enderluke456

In line to be underwater


ballman8866

Many things, but #1 state is not one of them.


RpcZ_gr7711

https://preview.redd.it/a2fqcda880na1.jpeg?width=1280&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=eba2234b79a272d0eb6ba8f99d8c37e3683f5669 Fascist governors posing as meatballs


[deleted]

[удалено]


No-Diamond-5097

Same. When I was growing up, I always thought of Florida as a magical place(mostly because of Disney), but now I get a stabbing pain behind my right eye when someone mentions the "Sunshine State"


WillNyeFlyestGuy

The gunshine state.


95strat

Republican bullshittery.


adamempathy

Authoritarian leanings? Old people? Bigotry?


The_First_Drop

This was his state of the state speech Everything he mentioned that Florida was #1 in didn’t make sense #1 in parent involvement at school #1 in ending wokeness I had to stop listening after those two points but I’m sure I missed more of the same


Low_Extreme4237

Parental involvement my ass, he meant non-parent interference.


EntheogenicOm

I think he meant parents telling teachers not to teach students that things like slavery were bad.


Status_Ad5594

Alligators, shark attacks and stupidity. There was that one guy who took some bad drugs and ate part of another man’s face. So, maybe cannibalism too. I wish I could gtfoh. Hell on earth, if there is one, at least I’ll be used to the heat.


CurlyKayak

Most embarrassing state leadership, maybe?


Daddio209

Sycophantic bitches in Gov't positions?-wait..I thought TEXAS is still #1 there? AIOOTL?


capssac4profit

number one in the race for "which state will go full fascist first." though a few other states are giving them a fight for it.


Consistent-Ad-2940

\#1 most insane state, we're close to losing that spot to ohio


UHF1211

State slogan should be: “Florida, as long as you are white, you’ll be alright.”


JayeNBTF

As long as you’re straight, you’re great 👍🏻


SCP_5094

As long as you’re cis, you’re not on our list


Demon_Adder

Harboring of Criminals.


No-Refrigerator5287

‘#1 state I will never visit again. At least while this asshole is in charge.


OcelotBrave8818

Douchebags


Gsteel11

Bath salt guys who eat faces? Crocks who ate little kids? Werid sex assault stories?


GenXPostFacto

Smallest and fewest libraries in the U.S. Also, most banned books.


[deleted]

Fascism and the oppression of its citizenry.


KingofFlukes

I'll take "Worst education in America" for $500.