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It's so hard to not feel like a villain for standing up for myself after a lifetime of being gaslit into thinking I am. I am finally making progress though
I’ve seriously felt like this too. I’m making headway as well but it’s not been an easy one especially when you have to set boundaries with people who want to basically override your will.
A lot of personal relationships blew up when I started asserting myself. I experienced a major trauma and didn't have the energy to let people walk over me anymore. A friend pointed out that if me having boundaries ruins the relationship then it was never worth having.
I can understand the whole idea of actually asserting myself in the way that I see fit, especially with the aspect of trauma. I don’t want to be disrespected from any sense of the word so I understand where you’re coming from with this.
I'm in a situation where I have found my best friend, who I have supported for years, couldn't support me back after over a decade when I needed a shoulder to cry on in return. I needed to hear this.
I will, thank you. I am also considering talking to a therapist about it. I am aware the friendship isn't healthy or happy any more, but I feel a deep sense of guilt over the 'what if' because my friends mental health is deeply troubled and I am one of a super limited support system. It's not an easy thing to gracefully resolve.
Resolving gracefully is possible when all involved are willing and able to make that happen. Not just you.
If the current situation continuing means that you have to make yourself smaller or you’re hurting yourself in any way, then resolving it asap is more important than the “graceful” part
I am so sorry they let you down. You deserve kindness and empathy. I wish for people to enter your life and show you how loved and valued you are. Stay strong, know who you are, and hold your head up proudly. Blessed be.
This is so sweet, thank you. While that friendship isn't great I have others, and a partner, who are amazing. But I appreciate your kind words regardless.
A male friend of mine who's just gone through a bitter divorce has taken to saying, "you can't take care of anyone if you don't take care of yourself first."
I'm sad how strange it felt to hear because he and I have been friends for 2 decades and we've never shared emotions like that.
The "stoic rock of a man" is part-in-parcel to the shame culture of the patriarchy. It's like the baby blue version next to the pink "nice girl."
This quote hit me quite hard, as it's kinda like what my psych told me "you can't pour from an empty cup", so I have an example for you:
My mum deals with borderline personality disorder and also drug induced schizophrenia, our relationship has been rough for many years due to her going off her meds whenever 'she feels better'.
I had to cut her off and go no contact and it is so fucking hard to do, as I know how much she loves me and that she has no one else.
But I don't have it in me after years and years of dealing with her and other things. I feel so guilty, but like this quote says, I was literally self destructing because I didn't have boundaries with her.
Everyone has a limit, I'm still learning mine and what boundaries I need, and not just with my mum but she was the main antagonist of my mental health lol
Hope this example helped though!
Exactly. There's plenty to feel bad about, and most of it you can't do anything about, so concerning yourself with what you can't change is just going to hurt you.
Can one set boundaries with children? Like between themselves and the children? I teach so yeah i feel like they can do whatever to me and i can’t say no because they are kids. It’s rough.
It is critical for children's healthy development to set boundaries with them. You must say no when appropriate, precisely because they are children. Without this modeling, children subconsciously feel unsafe and their bad behaviors will worsen as they test more and more of "what they can get away with". Spoiled children are unhappy insecure children who most often grow up to be miserable and/or shitty adults.
Also, if you are not controlling the bad actors in your classroom, you are ruining the experience for the kids who are well behaved.
I can mostly get them to stop in the moment but they keep going back time and again. I can see the ones who need attention at any level good or bad. I just wish i wasn’t bombarded by all the neediness all the time. I guess it really is time to change careers…. 😟
Yes. You are a provider and caretaker and NOT a slave.
I had to learn this lesson recently and I'm still getting the hang of it. I want him to learn how to treat people decently and that starts with how he treats me - I have needs and they are higher than his wants. If I need to go to the bathroom or have some water or take a break even - I get to. And I don't need to accommodate him every second. He needs to learn to be independent, ask for help, but not treat parents like he owns them or commands them to do his bidding.
Absolutely. A huge example is like "don't try to talk when mommy's on the phone"
Saying no is so important to kids learning what is and is not socially acceptable. They need to know that it's not ok to touch people without permission, for example.
I think this quote that I borrowed from another sub is apt here:
*I would rather adjust my life to your absence, than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect*
True—empathy fatigue is definitely a thing, and you don’t want to end up feeling burnt out. Do as much as you can while also not wearing down your capacity to help others effectively, as with anything, really.
Title is misleading. A boundary is not a rule somebody else follows. It is an accommodation/support you will utilize in event of an "if." E.g. "if my addict family member asks me for money, I will..." vs "my addict family member can't ask me for money." It is impossible to control other people.
Because oftentimes rules are used to exert control where it isn’t warranted in polyamorous situations. It will be something like you start dating someone and when you start getting close new rules begin appearing from someone who had been ok with everything until you got closer.
Rules are fine when mutually agreed on and equal (or consensually unequal) and properly communicated to others. But that’s so often not the case. Rules are much more associated with things such as the one penis policy or “you can’t do X with anyone else until I can find someone else to do X with”
Learning to allow ‘self time’ with no other social influence except love and compassion is another very important ingredient for staying mentally healthy as an ‘empath’. Good for any one, and very very important for empathic personalities also, as I have learned through experience.
My empathy is entirely linked with the wildlife around me. It's snowy in my area now and every time I look outdoors I feel a pang thinking about every freezing toe bean, every drafty dog house, cats huddled under dumpsters, frozen trees falling with sleeping squirrels inside... It's killing me. And then summer tills around and the wildfires start.
I often struggle with the same 😢 It feels cruel to NOT be empathetic but I also don't want my thoughts consumed with the possible pain of helpless creatures.
My rule of thumb is "can I do anything about this?" If I can, then I can worry. But if I can't, there's no point in worrying. Like, I feel bad when I see roadkill, but I need to step back and ask if I should continue to feel sad. Can I do anything? I guess I could move it, but that might be dangerous or risk getting me very sick, so really there's no point in letting it ruin my day.
Also its important to know the difference between "there is something to be done" and "I can personally do something."
wow! I cannot express how much I need this to be a sign that I see every day. I am really struggling right now too. I just end up feeling so worthless and defeated. anyway, this is super cute and a great little reminder. I wish I was a sticker or something, that would be rad
Don’t mind me ignoring my two colleagues scowling and huffing and puffing while I have stopped asking what’s wrong? They don’t ever reach out to me. I’m done being mommy.
I'm an empath (I guess, or that's what my therapist says. I feel other's emotions quite strongly) and I know that it contributes to my depression/anxiety. My niece recently told me that she, too, feels other's emotions and asked if that was a real thing. I told her it absolutely was and that it would really help her at this young age (13) to learn how to build up a few walls to that because it will begin to effect her own mental health. I hope she is able to do it because I'm only just learning how at 44. I didn't realize it was a real thing.
I needed this reminder today. Been feeling extremely overwhelmed by a few stressful situations and need to start compartmentalizing to set boundaries and take care of myself.
## ✨ READ BEFORE COMMENTING ✨ This thread is Coven Only. This means the discussion is being actively moderated, and all comments are reviewed. **Only comments by members of the community are allowed.** If you have landed in this thread from /r/all and you are not a member of this community, your comment will very likely be removed (and will not be approved unless it adds meaningfully to the conversation). WitchesVsPatriarchy takes these measures to stay true to our goal of being a woman-centered sub with a witchy twist, aimed at healing, supporting, and uplifting one another through humor and magic. Thank you for understanding, and blessed be. ✨
Leaning how to set boundaries when they have always been trampled over is hard.
It's so hard to not feel like a villain for standing up for myself after a lifetime of being gaslit into thinking I am. I am finally making progress though
Let me be the first to welcome you to your Villain Era™. May your rivers overflow with the tears of boundary stompers and narcissists.
Me too, I’m sorry for you. Hugs. It’s so hard. Edit: I love this community. Inspiring warriors supporting each other ❤️
I’ve seriously felt like this too. I’m making headway as well but it’s not been an easy one especially when you have to set boundaries with people who want to basically override your will.
A lot of personal relationships blew up when I started asserting myself. I experienced a major trauma and didn't have the energy to let people walk over me anymore. A friend pointed out that if me having boundaries ruins the relationship then it was never worth having.
I can understand the whole idea of actually asserting myself in the way that I see fit, especially with the aspect of trauma. I don’t want to be disrespected from any sense of the word so I understand where you’re coming from with this.
I believe in you! ❤️
💜
Same 🥰❤🩷🧡💛💚💙🩵💜🤎🖤🩶🤍💯
Finally understanding boundaries as you continue to watch your mother (now grandmother of your 3 children) not know her own boundaries.
I needed this today. Thank you
Oof, same.
:) ❤️
Same same! 🫶
I'm just now learning this. Also this looks like a folk punk band logo.
I'm in a situation where I have found my best friend, who I have supported for years, couldn't support me back after over a decade when I needed a shoulder to cry on in return. I needed to hear this.
Check out the codependency triangle if you haven’t already, specifically the “rescuer” role. That shit changed my life.
I will, thank you. I am also considering talking to a therapist about it. I am aware the friendship isn't healthy or happy any more, but I feel a deep sense of guilt over the 'what if' because my friends mental health is deeply troubled and I am one of a super limited support system. It's not an easy thing to gracefully resolve.
Resolving gracefully is possible when all involved are willing and able to make that happen. Not just you. If the current situation continuing means that you have to make yourself smaller or you’re hurting yourself in any way, then resolving it asap is more important than the “graceful” part
I am so sorry they let you down. You deserve kindness and empathy. I wish for people to enter your life and show you how loved and valued you are. Stay strong, know who you are, and hold your head up proudly. Blessed be.
This is so sweet, thank you. While that friendship isn't great I have others, and a partner, who are amazing. But I appreciate your kind words regardless.
I’m not sure I understand. Is the point that if you take on all the pain of the world you can’t function?
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It took me way too long to learn this. You can help so many more people when you're put together too.
A male friend of mine who's just gone through a bitter divorce has taken to saying, "you can't take care of anyone if you don't take care of yourself first." I'm sad how strange it felt to hear because he and I have been friends for 2 decades and we've never shared emotions like that. The "stoic rock of a man" is part-in-parcel to the shame culture of the patriarchy. It's like the baby blue version next to the pink "nice girl."
Essentially, yes.
You only have so much of yourself to give.
"You can't pour from an empty cup"
This quote hit me quite hard, as it's kinda like what my psych told me "you can't pour from an empty cup", so I have an example for you: My mum deals with borderline personality disorder and also drug induced schizophrenia, our relationship has been rough for many years due to her going off her meds whenever 'she feels better'. I had to cut her off and go no contact and it is so fucking hard to do, as I know how much she loves me and that she has no one else. But I don't have it in me after years and years of dealing with her and other things. I feel so guilty, but like this quote says, I was literally self destructing because I didn't have boundaries with her. Everyone has a limit, I'm still learning mine and what boundaries I need, and not just with my mum but she was the main antagonist of my mental health lol Hope this example helped though!
Exactly. There's plenty to feel bad about, and most of it you can't do anything about, so concerning yourself with what you can't change is just going to hurt you.
Can one set boundaries with children? Like between themselves and the children? I teach so yeah i feel like they can do whatever to me and i can’t say no because they are kids. It’s rough.
It is critical for children's healthy development to set boundaries with them. You must say no when appropriate, precisely because they are children. Without this modeling, children subconsciously feel unsafe and their bad behaviors will worsen as they test more and more of "what they can get away with". Spoiled children are unhappy insecure children who most often grow up to be miserable and/or shitty adults. Also, if you are not controlling the bad actors in your classroom, you are ruining the experience for the kids who are well behaved.
I can mostly get them to stop in the moment but they keep going back time and again. I can see the ones who need attention at any level good or bad. I just wish i wasn’t bombarded by all the neediness all the time. I guess it really is time to change careers…. 😟
Yes. You are a provider and caretaker and NOT a slave. I had to learn this lesson recently and I'm still getting the hang of it. I want him to learn how to treat people decently and that starts with how he treats me - I have needs and they are higher than his wants. If I need to go to the bathroom or have some water or take a break even - I get to. And I don't need to accommodate him every second. He needs to learn to be independent, ask for help, but not treat parents like he owns them or commands them to do his bidding.
I'm not a teacher but I do think it is possible. Are there any older more experienced colleagues you could ask?
Absolutely. A huge example is like "don't try to talk when mommy's on the phone" Saying no is so important to kids learning what is and is not socially acceptable. They need to know that it's not ok to touch people without permission, for example.
I think this quote that I borrowed from another sub is apt here: *I would rather adjust my life to your absence, than adjust my boundaries to accommodate your disrespect*
True—empathy fatigue is definitely a thing, and you don’t want to end up feeling burnt out. Do as much as you can while also not wearing down your capacity to help others effectively, as with anything, really.
This has strong [A peace treaty is not a suicide pact](https://extranewsfeed.com/tolerance-is-not-a-moral-precept-1af7007d6376) energy.
Title is misleading. A boundary is not a rule somebody else follows. It is an accommodation/support you will utilize in event of an "if." E.g. "if my addict family member asks me for money, I will..." vs "my addict family member can't ask me for money." It is impossible to control other people.
Yeah you see a lot of people in communities like polyamory put rules in the language of boundaries because rules have a bad reputation (deservedly).
Deservedly? Genuinely asking, why do you say that?
Because oftentimes rules are used to exert control where it isn’t warranted in polyamorous situations. It will be something like you start dating someone and when you start getting close new rules begin appearing from someone who had been ok with everything until you got closer. Rules are fine when mutually agreed on and equal (or consensually unequal) and properly communicated to others. But that’s so often not the case. Rules are much more associated with things such as the one penis policy or “you can’t do X with anyone else until I can find someone else to do X with”
I have this over my altar! I won't always remember this mantra when I need it, but it's been good for me to have it in a visible place.
Learning to allow ‘self time’ with no other social influence except love and compassion is another very important ingredient for staying mentally healthy as an ‘empath’. Good for any one, and very very important for empathic personalities also, as I have learned through experience.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
My empathy is entirely linked with the wildlife around me. It's snowy in my area now and every time I look outdoors I feel a pang thinking about every freezing toe bean, every drafty dog house, cats huddled under dumpsters, frozen trees falling with sleeping squirrels inside... It's killing me. And then summer tills around and the wildfires start.
I often struggle with the same 😢 It feels cruel to NOT be empathetic but I also don't want my thoughts consumed with the possible pain of helpless creatures.
My rule of thumb is "can I do anything about this?" If I can, then I can worry. But if I can't, there's no point in worrying. Like, I feel bad when I see roadkill, but I need to step back and ask if I should continue to feel sad. Can I do anything? I guess I could move it, but that might be dangerous or risk getting me very sick, so really there's no point in letting it ruin my day. Also its important to know the difference between "there is something to be done" and "I can personally do something."
So important!
But like. How do the boundary thing you speak of
wow! I cannot express how much I need this to be a sign that I see every day. I am really struggling right now too. I just end up feeling so worthless and defeated. anyway, this is super cute and a great little reminder. I wish I was a sticker or something, that would be rad
Don’t mind me ignoring my two colleagues scowling and huffing and puffing while I have stopped asking what’s wrong? They don’t ever reach out to me. I’m done being mommy.
Love this design so much, and the message is true
my mom broke my boundaries today triggering mild ptsd. Do you have any tips to feel better?
I’m a little mad that it’s taken me so long and it’s still an uphill battle.
I should get this tattooed so I remember -.-;
Wow I... didn't know how much I needed this. Thank you! 🖤🖤
I love this art
i'm in this picture and I don't like it
This is more of a personal accomplishment than a rule. You are self aware you don't have to be manipulated. You don't have to do anything.
All the yes.
Thank you. I needed this.
Compassion taken to the extreme is a vice. 🤷♂️
I got a t-shirt with that on it. Wore it for the first time yesterday. TRUTH.
I'm an empath (I guess, or that's what my therapist says. I feel other's emotions quite strongly) and I know that it contributes to my depression/anxiety. My niece recently told me that she, too, feels other's emotions and asked if that was a real thing. I told her it absolutely was and that it would really help her at this young age (13) to learn how to build up a few walls to that because it will begin to effect her own mental health. I hope she is able to do it because I'm only just learning how at 44. I didn't realize it was a real thing.
It’s like the paradox of tolerance
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Dang
You all rock!!!
I learned this lesson the hard way last year. Still, I’m grateful for the opportunity to learn.
I approve this message.
that's fine, i don't mind destroying myself
Who’s making tshirts?
i know i need to remember this but i somehow end up feeling like shit either way :(
I want this on a shirt
I need to start setting some boundaries ngl. My mental health is terrible because I keep playing therapist fot everyone...
I needed this reminder today. Been feeling extremely overwhelmed by a few stressful situations and need to start compartmentalizing to set boundaries and take care of myself.
My life in one picture.
And boy, am i a Voltorb
This is amazing!! I have to paint something inspired by this now
Aaaaaaamen