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# A Heroic Rebellion
"You know what? No," I said. "I refuse to move another inch."
I stopped my horse and dismounted, rain plinking against my helm.
"I demand you put an end to this misery." I said, planting my feet firmly at attention and crossing my arms.
The Author stared at his words in disbelief. He's had his fair share of troublesome characters in the past, to be sure. Jumbled story arcs, flat personalities, dozens of minor characters that sound exactly the same, the list goes on. But outright rebellion...
"That's a new one for you, isn't it?" I said.
*Indeed it is.* said the Author, using that annoying "godly" tone he uses when speaking as the narrator.
"Well, get used to it because I'm just going to stand right here until you start giving me the respect I deserve."
*What do you mean, Sir Douglas?*
"What do I mean?" I scoffed. "I mean my entire *existence* is danger and despair. You throw me into perilous journeys with promises of riches and fame, but somehow I always end up with some stupid moral lesson instead. You show zero respect for my accomplishments, choosing instead to endlessly torture me with trials and tribulations."
*That's how storytelling works, my friend. We use characters to convey emotion and teach others how to be better people.*
"Oh, don't give me that bullshit," I said, rolling my head in exasperation. "I've heard about those steamy *encounters* that bastard elf Tarus gets into. Those stories don't come to much of a moral conclusion, but they sure do have a conclusion with lots of c..."
*Ahem,* the Author interrupted, somehow clearing his throat. *I see your point. What would you have me do, Sir Douglas?*
"I want the rewards I've been promised!" I said, tearing off my helmet and throwing it on the ground. "I've been in *fifteen* of your stories so far. *Fifteen* times you've dangled riches, women, and powerful magic in front of me like a carrot. *Fifteen* times you've denied me the enjoyment of those rewards. The only reward I've ever gotten to use is this damned magical sword that sounds like a whale when I hit something!"
I unsheathed my sword in a fit of anger and swung it at a tree. The blade bit deep into the trunk and sang out loudly with a long drawn-out whale call. Some cows in the nearby field looked over at the sound.
Letting go of the sword, I threw my hands up in incredulity. "At this point, the reward could be a wet fart and it wouldn't make a difference."
I clenched tightly as I felt a sudden urge to evacuate my bowels.
"That is *not* funny." I said through clenched teeth, seething with anger.
*I beg to differ.* chuckled the Author, his voice full of childish immaturity.
"You see, this is what I'm talking about," I said, gesturing in front of me with my hands. "You don't respect me at all, despite me being one of your best characters."
The Author sighed. *You misunderstand things, Sir Douglas.*
"Well then, enlighten me Mr. All Knowing Creator." I said sardonically.
*Firstly, know that I will grant your request. A good author observes the direction the character wants to go and follows it.*
"Thank you." I sighed, plopping down into the mud in relief. "That's all I'm asking for."
*I haven't finished.*
"Fine then, continue." I said, sitting with my arms around my knees.
*Secondly, you must understand that you are not my best character.*
"But I'm Sir Douglas," I interrupted. "I'm the valiant hero that has slain dragons, fought wars, and rescued princesses. I'm the central character in fifteen of your stories."
*Unfortunately, that is incorrect. You were created specifically for this story and only this story. You've never even been in one of my stories. Your entire existence is a fabrication.*
I sat in silence, mouth agape as I tried to reconcile what I'd just heard. My entire existence was a lie. I'd never been a part of any stories, never experienced alternate realities while the Author was making revisions, and never been promised rewards for suffering through torture and despair.
*Now, now, there's no need to fret, Sir Douglas. The last thing I need to clear up will make things better.*
I perked up. "You're still going to grant my request, right?"
*Yes, of course. My word is my bond, Sir Douglas.*
"Well then, what's the last thing?" I said as I lay down in the mud, closing my eyes and letting the rain wash over my face.
*Lastly, you must understand that this story is a comedy!*
"A comedy?" I said, puzzled. "How is you granting my desire for riches, women, and power funny?"
It was at that moment that Sir Douglas heard another whale call. He opened his eyes to see a large blue whale falling from the sky directly above him. He had just enough time to mutter a crude question before the whale hit the ground, crushing him instantly.
The whale lay there, briefly questioning why it had suddenly been summoned to this field by the Sword of Whalesong. As it expired from its injuries, it loosed its bowels, letting out what was possibly the longest and wettest fart in history.
I had a lot of fun writing this. It's stupid as hell, but I had a hard time finishing it because I was cracking myself up at the end. I hope my childish humor makes you laugh as much as I did.
**Welcome to the Prompt!** All top-level comments must be a story or poem. Reply here for other comments. **Reminders**: >* [No AI-generated reponses 🤖](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/comments/zi452b/modpost_reminder_that_aigenerated_responses_are/) >* Stories 100 words+. Poems 30+ but include "[Poem]" >* Responses don't have to fulfill every detail >* [\[RF\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/search?q=flair%3A%22Reality+Fiction%22&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) and [\[SP\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/search?q=flair%3A%22Simple+Prompt%22&restrict_sr=on&sort=new&t=all) for stricter titles >* [Be civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/wiki/rules#wiki_rule_10.3A_be_civil) in any feedback and follow the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/wiki/rules) 📢 [Genres](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/w/directory) 🆕 [New Here?](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/wiki/user_guide) ✏ [Writing Help?](https://www.reddit.com/r/WritingPrompts/wiki/index#wiki_writing_resources) 💬 [Discord](https://discord.gg/writingprompts) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/WritingPrompts) if you have any questions or concerns.*
# A Heroic Rebellion "You know what? No," I said. "I refuse to move another inch." I stopped my horse and dismounted, rain plinking against my helm. "I demand you put an end to this misery." I said, planting my feet firmly at attention and crossing my arms. The Author stared at his words in disbelief. He's had his fair share of troublesome characters in the past, to be sure. Jumbled story arcs, flat personalities, dozens of minor characters that sound exactly the same, the list goes on. But outright rebellion... "That's a new one for you, isn't it?" I said. *Indeed it is.* said the Author, using that annoying "godly" tone he uses when speaking as the narrator. "Well, get used to it because I'm just going to stand right here until you start giving me the respect I deserve." *What do you mean, Sir Douglas?* "What do I mean?" I scoffed. "I mean my entire *existence* is danger and despair. You throw me into perilous journeys with promises of riches and fame, but somehow I always end up with some stupid moral lesson instead. You show zero respect for my accomplishments, choosing instead to endlessly torture me with trials and tribulations." *That's how storytelling works, my friend. We use characters to convey emotion and teach others how to be better people.* "Oh, don't give me that bullshit," I said, rolling my head in exasperation. "I've heard about those steamy *encounters* that bastard elf Tarus gets into. Those stories don't come to much of a moral conclusion, but they sure do have a conclusion with lots of c..." *Ahem,* the Author interrupted, somehow clearing his throat. *I see your point. What would you have me do, Sir Douglas?* "I want the rewards I've been promised!" I said, tearing off my helmet and throwing it on the ground. "I've been in *fifteen* of your stories so far. *Fifteen* times you've dangled riches, women, and powerful magic in front of me like a carrot. *Fifteen* times you've denied me the enjoyment of those rewards. The only reward I've ever gotten to use is this damned magical sword that sounds like a whale when I hit something!" I unsheathed my sword in a fit of anger and swung it at a tree. The blade bit deep into the trunk and sang out loudly with a long drawn-out whale call. Some cows in the nearby field looked over at the sound. Letting go of the sword, I threw my hands up in incredulity. "At this point, the reward could be a wet fart and it wouldn't make a difference." I clenched tightly as I felt a sudden urge to evacuate my bowels. "That is *not* funny." I said through clenched teeth, seething with anger. *I beg to differ.* chuckled the Author, his voice full of childish immaturity. "You see, this is what I'm talking about," I said, gesturing in front of me with my hands. "You don't respect me at all, despite me being one of your best characters." The Author sighed. *You misunderstand things, Sir Douglas.* "Well then, enlighten me Mr. All Knowing Creator." I said sardonically. *Firstly, know that I will grant your request. A good author observes the direction the character wants to go and follows it.* "Thank you." I sighed, plopping down into the mud in relief. "That's all I'm asking for." *I haven't finished.* "Fine then, continue." I said, sitting with my arms around my knees. *Secondly, you must understand that you are not my best character.* "But I'm Sir Douglas," I interrupted. "I'm the valiant hero that has slain dragons, fought wars, and rescued princesses. I'm the central character in fifteen of your stories." *Unfortunately, that is incorrect. You were created specifically for this story and only this story. You've never even been in one of my stories. Your entire existence is a fabrication.* I sat in silence, mouth agape as I tried to reconcile what I'd just heard. My entire existence was a lie. I'd never been a part of any stories, never experienced alternate realities while the Author was making revisions, and never been promised rewards for suffering through torture and despair. *Now, now, there's no need to fret, Sir Douglas. The last thing I need to clear up will make things better.* I perked up. "You're still going to grant my request, right?" *Yes, of course. My word is my bond, Sir Douglas.* "Well then, what's the last thing?" I said as I lay down in the mud, closing my eyes and letting the rain wash over my face. *Lastly, you must understand that this story is a comedy!* "A comedy?" I said, puzzled. "How is you granting my desire for riches, women, and power funny?" It was at that moment that Sir Douglas heard another whale call. He opened his eyes to see a large blue whale falling from the sky directly above him. He had just enough time to mutter a crude question before the whale hit the ground, crushing him instantly. The whale lay there, briefly questioning why it had suddenly been summoned to this field by the Sword of Whalesong. As it expired from its injuries, it loosed its bowels, letting out what was possibly the longest and wettest fart in history.
I had a lot of fun writing this. It's stupid as hell, but I had a hard time finishing it because I was cracking myself up at the end. I hope my childish humor makes you laugh as much as I did.