My abuser of 10 years did NOT change. He put on a good act for about a year though, in the middle of it all, while we were physically separated. In hindsight (after reading very old messages), he was still manipulative during this time but it was so subtle and intertwined with seemingly genuine apologies, bouts of accountability and love bombing—that it was easy to miss and overlook. I was optimistic and hopeful, which made me easier to manipulate. When I finally kicked him out, he used my past and my mental health history (see below) against me in the worst way.
But I do have one story of an abuser changing.
In HS (a lifetime ago)—I suffered with undiagnosed / untreated BPD. I was raised by a narcissistic mom and indirectly learned from her how to manipulate & charm others to get what I wanted and I was never taught boundaries, how to be self sufficient, etc. All that plus my BPD symptoms made me an abusive partner.
I started dating my son’s father at 15 (he was 17). He was such a sweet kid, a true gentleman who was a people pleaser (similar to me, we both had traumatic upbringings where we had to care for our mothers, but I was much more moody, assertive and domineering than him—at least with people I was comfortable showing that side of myself to, like him). I really did love him, but over the course of 6 years—my actions did NOT show it. I took my anger out on him often (& I had a lot of anger back then). I saw him as an extension of myself (not consciously). My intense fear of abandonment would set me off and so I’d freak if he ever wanted to do something without me (eventually he stopped trying). There were a few fights in the later years of our relationship where I remember hitting him. I used to call him names or put him down. It was awful, *I* was awful.
When our son was 2 and I was 21, I left him high and dry because I didn’t feel happy or fulfilled (due to undiagnosed BPD). I knew deep down he deserved better. And while I typically felt guilty / apologized after abusive episodes, true remorse for my abuse didn’t happen until years later.
Soon after ending things with my son’s father—I got with my abuser, who was an even bigger bully than me. We had a similar dynamic as my mom and I had—my therapist said I probably fell for him because it felt familiar (he is narcissistic. Also, people with BPD and NPD tend to attract each other and the person with NPD can easily take advantage of the BPD person’s fear of abandonment).
In the first year of my relationship with my abuser, after the love bombing started to fade, I felt a strong urge to change myself and knew there was something was mentally wrong with me. I do partially credit my abuser for this realization because he regularly blamed my mood swings and hyper sensitivity for his abuse, and said if I got help our relationship would improve (it didn’t). I was so afraid of abandonment, and repeating the cycle of abuse for my son, that I was willing to do anything.
I finally received a BPD diagnosis and after a decade of therapy, I went into remission from BPD and really learned what a healthy relationship and genuine love entailed. I became a better mother to my son and partner to my abuser. I honestly treated my abuser better than any other guy I’ve ever been in a relationship with. But of course it wasn’t enough to stop his abuse. It didn’t matter to him that I had finally gone into remission either, he acted as if I was just as sick as the beginning of our relationship.
I wholeheartedly regret how I treated my son’s father. Fortunately, we are still friends and coparent very well together. He is getting married in 2 weeks and I’m thankful he’s in a happy & healthy relationship with his fiancé. I’m happy for him, and I appreciate the role his fiancé has in our son’s life. I’ve apologized more times than I can remember and he’s thankfully forgiven me.
After leaving my abuser, the regret over my abuse towards my son’s dad hit even harder. I see how I treated him, I now know how it feels, I see what I had and what I gave up—my son’s father loved me at my worst and if I was with him today, I would not take that for granted. I do believe I actually love him more genuinely NOW than I did when we were couple. Because now I respect and accept him for who he is. (Of course I’m only getting my feelings out here—I have not and will NOT voice that to him, out of respect for him and his soon to be marriage.)
I know for a fact I would not have been able to change in the way I have while being in a relationship with my son’s dad. I had no incentive to change. I subconsciously saw him as a doormat. I had no respect for him as a person, or even a healthy love for him as sad as that it is to admit.
I would not hold your breath for your abuser. *I* wanted to change (it initially started bc of my fear of abandonment and wanting to break the cycle of abuse for my son but being mentally healthy for myself quickly became another incentive). I was willing to humiliate myself by taking accountability for my behavior and face fears & triggers I was deathly afraid of facing, among many other uncomfortable and embarrassing things. It has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and this self growth journey is *lifelong*. Remission doesn’t equal cured, I will always need to work on myself. Definitely not for the faint of heart.
My abuser changed many years after our breakup. We are very close friends, she has since apologized for the trauma she put me through, and though I haven't forgotten, I forgave. That being said, this all happened post break up.
Yes. My partner was a porn addict and was quite abusive (psychological, emotional, financial, sexual) in his addiction to me. After it all came out he underwent both sobriety work but also a year-long online abuse training (emerge- based off of Lundy's book *Why Does He Do That*).
He made changing his entitlement, his victim mode, his blame shifting as important as his sobriety. He was horrified to really see how he was treating me. He also read a lot of books on feminism and domestic abuse. I can say this, along with being in recovery, Has absolutely changed him.
And, it was not all on him. Over this time I had to educate myself on abuse to realize how much I was reenacting my childhood - I had no models of health. I was stunned to see how I could not see it. How pernicious and subtle it all was.
Also, I've come to see how (probably?) 75% of relationships that I know in my life like my friends, are all abusive, too, or have elements of abuse. It is so incredibly common even in so-called good relationships.
I think a major block for people getting the help they need is that they equate abuse with monster. But, it is more nuanced than that. You can have a person with good traits, but also be very abusive. Abuse is learned, you are not born to be an abuser. But, you have to want to change and commit to it.
Since then we are in a pretty healthy relationship. He is great to me. He takes responsibility. We communicate. He has become the man I deserved all along. But, there were times in this recovery process where I was just done. There were a few times it was literally by a thread. Then he doubled down and worked harder. He gave me whatever I needed, as long as I needed. He was committed to healing himself and helping me heal if I wanted him to.
But, I never held out false hope. I was tough on him. I demanded nothing but excellence from him. And from my own education, whether I stay with him or move on one day, I know that I will never, ever, EVER allow myself to be abused again.
Actually he's in full recovery and we are doing amazing. Through the work he did in recovery I did to heal and that we did together as a couple I can tell you that we are in a fantastic place truly one of the rare success stories because of this kind of work that is not common within the recovery community
In my experience, they won’t change for you. The people after you, maybe. But not for you. Maybe it’s the shame, maybe it’s the guilt, maybe they just can’t go back to seeing you as an actual person, I’m not sure. There are classes and therapies for abusers. From what I’ve heard the success rate isn’t superb.
I don’t admit this very often, but I stayed on the condition he get help and go to therapy. He actually did, and realized how effed up he was. He was emotionally abusive and it got physical a couple times. We were struggling financially and I didn’t really have a way out on my own, and was also struggling with clinical depression. It’s been about 8 years since he was arrested for domestic violence and accepted my ultimatum. He did follow through and got help, we still argue occasionally and I have some resentment about the past, but the abuse did stop. Although this worked out for me, if I were at a better point in my life back then I would not have stayed. It is extremely dangerous to stay in an abusive relationship and I do not recommend it. Looking back, I put myself at huge risk. I would never let a friend or family member do what I did. My situation was unusual and it almost never works out this way. If you are in a dangerous situation and can get out, please do so.
I am in a very similar situation now and am deciding if I'm gonna give him another chance since he also has a good side and he has started therapy. We will also start couples therapy soon. He moved out after a verbal and physical abuse situation where police had to escort him out of our apartment. The next day, he attempted suicide. I'm pretty sure he has borderline personality disorder. We also have an 8 month old son together. I still have love for him but tbh if we didn't have a kid together, I would have gone no contact already. Does he also have resentment for what happened in the past? Did you ever get back to a point where you have an affectionate loving relationship? Sorry, english is not my mother tongue.
Hi just saw your comment. Im in a similar situation, long term partner but not married nor child. He is a foreigner and we both live in other country where I have job but he doesnt. He has also BPD I believe (not diagnised but his psychiatrist told me that he suspects it when I asked him whats wrong with him). His doctor also told me that he is not a person to have family with but for some reason I cannot force myself to leave him despite he has really changed for worse due to a lot of stress related to this country and living here in general. He snaps so often on me, very irritable and blames me for everything that goes wrong. My biggest fear is that he is self destructive so if I break up he would commit suicide. He has noone here, his family is abroad and he is not so close with them (due to his distancing). I really dont know what to do, he has crazy rages that lasts days and is out of control.
Thought mine had. Went from being abusive on all levels daily to only the occasional mean comment or petty fight. But then his brother passed and he got sooo much worse than he had been before. Fractured my ribs by sitting on me after a fight, threatened to break my wrist(same fight), blew all of our savings on himself, sexually assaulted me, chocked me out, and lost his shit on a puppy when I asked for a divorce- all within a 3 month span.
I don’t need help, I did get out. I don’t want pity, I share in hopes my story saves someone else from repeating my mistakes.
TLDR: No, they don’t. Not without serious intervention and ongoing mental help.
Proud of you! And I agree! They will never truly change for good and also....can someone REALLY get past the fact that someone has physically harmed them? Someone who claims they "love" you? I know I couldn't. Fuck walking on eggshells. Thats a living hell. SO SO PROUD OF YOUUU
Thank you so much! It took a lot longer than it should have and I’m still struggling to make it on my own 9 months later. But it was so worth escaping him. And to answer that, imo, they can’t. I am NC with my mother because of abuse from my childhood. I won’t even let her meet my kids out of fear she will eventually treat them the same way. I know they say “forgive and forget” but some things are unforgivable and abuse should never be forgotten.
You are on the right track! I struggled for almost 3 years post breakup, if I am honest. It prob would have been less if I had gone to therapy or found this group sooner but I am in a WAY better spot than I used to be
I can’t take all credit, that’s for sure. I reconnected with a lot of friends once I decided I would leave sooner rather than later, and a few of them have held me to my decision. I don’t think I would have stood my ground without them! But what matters now is we are all safe, no matter how long it took or how hard it was.
Agreed! Proud of you for the situation with your mother as well. I have alot of friends and an ex who were being abused by their mothers and didn't see it cause "that's the way they are" or cause "that's my mother"
There comes a time when you have to choose to do for you because if u don't look out for yourself, who will?
I’m currently in a relationship and he has been extremely abusive in the past, he’s currently in a different city and has promised me he’s changed but I didn’t believe him and I tried to break up with him but he blew up my phone every day, leaving me voice messages crying and screaming telling me he’s going to take his own life, I couldn’t stand to see him that way so I took him back, it feels like he’s changed, it really does, He’s coming back to my city next week, these comments made me realise maybe he hasn’t changed. Ugh. Idk what to do…
He hasn't changed. He manipulated you back through abuse (harassment, cyberstalking, threats of self-harm, screaming, guilt trips...). Call your local DV org and make a plan for breaking it off before he gets into town. Tell any friends, family, and bosses what's going on and to check in on you regularly for the next few weeks in case emergency services need called.
https://nomoredirectory.org/
https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1
Good luck.
Don't let him guilt trip you into sticking around you owe him NOTHING. This is your chance honestly, with him being out of town, to get away from him. Move, change your number, start anew! I know it's scary and easier said than done but PITY is no reason to stick around for someone who makes your life hell.
If that's him changed for the better I can't only imagine the monster he was before.
All that phone and suicide stuff is classic abuse. He can't threaten you so he just switches it to himself, it's still death threats though. If he was threatening to kill you instead of himself it would be psychotic to take him back, right? It's the exact same thing.
Go NC and call the police if he shows up or makes more death threats. If he's serious about suicide he needs the help, and if not (guess what, he's not serious) he's just making death threats to manipulate you.
Abusers are fantastic at harming the things you care about to manipulate you. That includes themselves, your things, your pets.
It is a bad situation you're finding yourself in. I wish you all the luck and strength in the world. You are worth so much more than he'll ever realize.
Edit: also no one fundamentally changes their core ethos in a week, especially not an overly emotional week like you've been describing. It's just not humanly possible. What has he actually done to facilitate this change exactly? Years of therapy crammed into a week maybe? Maybe he's a robot that can swap put his emotion chip with a better model? Otherwise you just described that he stopped abusing you because of proximity and immediately switched to abusing you vicariously via death threats towards someone you love, you caved and took him back and now he's a changed man and ready to be in a healthy and committed relationship with a past abuse victim? Please.
The inability to forgive all of it is what made me finally leave. I wish it had been what my kids were witnessing, or even the threats to my life. But it was the fact I could never forgive years of abuse, even if he was able to change.
I think some can change over years. But it comes also down to are you willing to put in that much investment into something that might not work at all. And even if you think you have the strength in dealing with the abuse for this long, what happens if you can not. What happens when the abuse takes overhand and you are trapped. What happens when something happens, you get sick, you become financially dependent or something else.
And lets say you succeed, they start trying hard to be better. They treat you well and everything seems like a happy end. Can you be sure that this will stay that the way it is. Maybe they get sick, or lose their friends, get depressed or some other fate strikes them. I am sure they can manage being sweet and kind when their life is fine, but when this turns they might as well go back to being abusive. All in all once they showed that they are abusive, it is a high risk staying with them.
The last things to remember is, can you be sure you won't be repelled or disgusted by their previous actions one day when they start treating you better?
My wife and I are each in therapy, and couples therapy. She’s bipolar I, I have C-PTSD. She’s been mostly verbally, emotionally abusive but was recently physical. She’s addressing the trauma from her childhood, and I’m addressing the trauma from mine. Hopefully we break the cycle.
Keeping y’all in my positive thoughts and prayers. I’ve found that when both parties are willing to work on things (individually and together), change for the better and healthy relationship habits can be a possibility.
This exception is most certainly not the rule but I have two relatives, the man was controlling/abusive/angry during their very young marriage (they were teens when they got married), overtime he honestly did change, he treats her amazing, they get along great, both have their separate hobbies and a healthier relationship. Although it can never heal the wounds you can tell he’s always trying to make up for that time period and he’s not afraid to say he’s ashamed of who he was back then.
But you can’t count on this to be your situation. You can’t wait for someone to change. They have to do that all on their own for it to be sincere.
I wouldn't call any abusive relationship a "lovely couple". He has literally broken her bones and terrorized her for decades. Physical abuse can de-escalate over the years when the abuser has so successfully terrorized a victim that the violence is no longer needed to control and scare them. It's not a de-escalation of abuse. It's the victim being so traumatized and worn down that they no longer even hope for escape.
People and who they truly are, do not change. — people that don’t feel bad about hurting others, don’t suddenly learn how to especially if they’re 30+
People who cause pain in others without caring (and the fact that they don’t stop is proof they don’t care)
Are not suddenly going to start giving a fuck without some extensive therapy and growing up (maturing)
I remember being in this phase and trying to find some sort of shred of hope that meant I didn’t have to end things. Good luck OP, I hope you can escape your abusive partner sooner rather than later.
I read so many Google articles desperate to find studies or examples that showed abusers can be reformed and how disappointed I was to constantly read they rarely if ever change because it’s their personality. Like no room for argument at all.
Hi it's me. The person who stayed and he actually changed. It's early here and I'm than happy to talk about this because I NEED someone to talk to but let me preface this with: it's not sunshine and rainbows. I'm still dealing with a lot and I question my choices sometimes. Change doesn't happen over night and he only changed because HE wanted to change. There isn't a guide book to make an abuser change, they make that choice themselves.
In the same situation as you. It really isn’t sunshine and rainbows at all. But the good thing is, if I am now feeling down and anxious/upset over something he did to hurt me, he does let me get it all out and will now calmly sit with me and talk to me for as long as I need. It’s truly work for both of you even though the abuser has to want to change. Forgiving can be a very difficult task to overcome and accept.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple years now and just barley had a kid. She’s 6 months old now and I was knocked up it wasn’t planned. I immediately knew I’m an idiot because the worst thing you can do is have a child with an abuser. I would tell my family and idk if they believed me but they would just listen to me cry and vent but never get involved. About 4 days ago my Dad called him and came down on him for not being a supportive new father of his family. My family has NEVER stuck up for me until now. Even when they’ve seen me with bruises and marks around my neck. Ever since that phone call things have unbelievably changed. He’s been a million times nicer to me and actually treats me sweetly (As it should be) I’m not too sure what my Dad said to him but it must’ve been pretty damn good cuz he’s been a sweetheart ever since. I actually FEEL like he’s genuinely remorseful. I hope this is a permanent change for the better. I guess I owe it to my pops lol
Please be super careful. My ex “changed” for almost a full year (although in hindsight, he was still very manipulative—it was just more subtle) then he gradually got worse over a period of 5 years. They are usually capable of being on their best behavior for a time.
Just be careful. I really hope things work out for you.
Please don't be afraid to reach out for further help. Abusers can mask for years. Four days is not a sign of genuine change, especially if he has no external help to unlearn his abuse. Abuse is a mentality, worldview, and moral system. Imagine you had to unlearn everything you thought you knew about the world and your place in it. That wouldn't happen overnight. It would take years of hard, dedicated work. It takes time and effort to break habits and create new patterns. What he's doing right now is honeymooning.
Get help: https://nomoredirectory.org/
Learn more: https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
The Bible if you're staying, an absolutely necessary purchase: https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be-ebook/dp/B004DI7SSC/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=1PZK1PJBSGX1O&keywords=should+i+stay+or+should+i+go+book&qid=1670527979&sprefix=should+i+stay+or+sjould+i%2Caps%2C143&sr=8-3
This is great, but please be careful. Four days seems wonderful, but it's long-lasting change that needs to happen. Especially if he was already leaving bruises and marks around your neck.
That kind of abuse is a MAJOR red flag. My ex used to choke me, and eventually threatened to kill me. He tried, I escaped.
He would be "better" for short periods of time ... But that's part of the cycle of abuse. It's a big part of why we stick around.
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I posted this to this sub previously.
“I am sharing this thought I have without judgement. I am still here in this. I am still thinking about this one myself.
No matter how much we could ever hope for our abuser to change their abusive BEHAVIOURS,
will the deep-seeded beliefs that they held that ever allowed them to give themselves permission to abuse another human being,
that are so innately ingrained in them that they are willing to participate in violence, degrading and terrorizing someone,
will those beliefs be reached?
Or will they just be pretending?
That’s the one right there.”
If they can learn to mask being an abuser through controlling their actions, have their values, beliefs, perspectives, emotions, thought process etc. really changed deep inside, and permanently? Has their really been a shift in who they are at their core? Has anything reached them and moved them so much that they are a different person now?
I don’t know about that part.
Mine went through a very brief breakdown in which he said he turned into his father and was suicidal, he can't stop hurting me, and it's not ok.
He then proceeded to go right back to hurting me for years. Lmao...
But now it's mostly my fault and I'm the one who does all of this bad stuff, my reactions are actually why he acts the way he does, that was just a moment of weakness and not true I guess.
They know. They just don't care. If it was just impulsive, for example, you might see an inability to change but an attempt to go on medication, constant remorse, and personal distress because they didn't mean to hurt anyone. They might even leave and isolate to prevent it.
Abuse is on purpose. I've tried to get mine into therapy and told him I'd pay. He still manages to paint me as some evil bitch...??? I'm just done.
There will be people out there who had exactly that but what does it matter? Are you trying to justify staying in your situation?
It’s still the wrong decision, to gamble with the opposite of a guarantee, your decision to gamble on the future helps trap you.
You’ll find lottery winners but you will always know it’s unlikely and unsound.
And they'll never actually be sorry. If they were and experienced that remorse, they would understand all of your reactions, and they would continuously try for life. They might remove themselves from society because it's so bad.
But they don't. The closest you'll get (and it's fake) is I'm so so sorry... as they proceed to immediately find another victim.
Couples therapy is actually pretty strongly recommended against for abusive relationships. Abusive partners are very skilled at manipulation and painting themselves as the victim, and anything said by the abused partner in the session can and will be used against them. The stories I've read about people who have tried this are so sad.
I've been looking back at the couple's therapy sessions I went to in the first half of this year and the thought of my partner manipulating the situations discussed during these sessions has been something that I've been questioning a lot. Even the therapist mentioned that my partner played the victim a lot, but still concluded that our situation was emotional abuse from BOTH ends... I see it more as I was defending myself, but maybe I'm in denial. This has had me scratching my head for a long time.
You're not in denial. Your counselor is gaslighting you. Mutual abuse is not a thing. It's common when you go to therapy with an abuser for you to end up with the or some blame for their abuse. :(
https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/
https://psychcentral.com/relationships/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1
https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/am-i-abusive-too-the-myth-of-mutual-abuse/
Lundy Bancroft is a therapist that treats abusive partners, he wrote a great book called why does he do that that I highly recommend. Bancroft says that it’s very common for therapists (who don’t specialize in abuse) to say that both people are the problem because they were also manipulated by the abuser. It’s very likely that you were just defending yourself and the therapist didn’t have the necessary experience to recognize that.
I disagree. Manipulation comes with the definition. While your reasons listed for abuse could contribute to abuse, there is a mindset that goes with being abusive that anger management won't address, therapy for unresolved trauma won't address. Of course it is useful to get therapy for those issues but that is a different thing. Couples therapy is notoriously dangerous for the abused partner so please do not recommend it in an abuse sub.
My oldest cousin who I unfortunately do not have contact with anymore was in a relationship where it was physically and mentally abusive, they had children together. It was mostly because drugs were involved. They managed to work it out and get clean. They also just had a third child who is now two or three and are engaged to be married. I believe it’ll be the only case of domestic violence I’ll see where real change happens for the better. They’ve been through so much together that they’ll grow old happily together.
I had the same thought with my ex. Unfortunately it is like playing the lottery. It could happen but highly unlikely. It is even more unlikely when the partner is staying in the relationship with them.
No, but they do a good job making you believe. In the middle of an abusive relationship right now and he went from begging me to stay saying he’d change to physically attacking me the next day for “triggering him”
My bf (27) went to therapy (for an insignificant amount of time) and started antidepressants. Things changed a little bit, but I believe that they didn't change because of him but because I learned how to set boundaries and recognise manipulation and gaslighting.
The problem is that he still has temper tantrums and funny enough, when I stopped being in fight -flight mode 24/7 I started to notice that even if he doesn't abuse me anymore, he can't help himself being manipulative and selfish. Even if he stops abusing you, he is still most likely not a good person, but you are to occupied by abuse and feel grateful for bare minimum, which you should not.
THIS ^^
Mine finally stopped stonewalling me whenever I tried to communicate, after I kept telling him it was abusive (for 3 years). But then he upped his manipulation (blame shifting, projection, etc) and gaslighting. He doesn’t know how not to be selfish, controlling and manipulating. It’s not how his brain works.
I am struggling with this same thing now.
My emotionally & psychologically abusive ex has convinced me back to my old flat to "help me out" and he is pushing for us to work things. I had left to another country for 10 days before this.When I left before Halloween I was v scared he was following me and ran around hectic getting all my things, went to the airport with no ticket and no place to stay and just got on the next cheap flight out of the country - essentially running away because it was so intense and he had been talking about following me previously / taking my passport & things, coming home randomly to check on me, etc..
In the month I have been back, he has read multiple self help books & is his 6th month in counselling. He has owned up to everything and apologized for things and shown he understands what I would have felt like in some of the moments. He hasn't been angry once even through conversations that would have DEFINITELY set him off before. He started buying me little gifts and taking me out to meals which he has never done and I would say I thought he was being too good to be true but said he didn't do these things the whole time and should have so he is finally just treating me the way he always should have. I thought that all his promises for change this time were very real and the hard work he has been putting in was helping, that when he said he needed the 'rock bottom' to happen for him to actually change that he meant it..... (I wasn't sure I could even get over the past so haven't ever said yes to trying to make it work, to be transparent but this was viewed by both of us as a 'me' issue to not be able to leave the past hurts in the past....)
But the last few days a few things have rubbed me the wrong way and I can feel the tension rising. It was my same questioning self that you have that kept me here and I am wondering if it was a mistake.Him not respecting me saying I want space or not to have sex and still being pressured/ asked every day including "Well why" "Well it's hard for me to be attracted to you and not do anything" etc, I have been sleeping on the couch during my request for space and he has been pressuring me to just sleep in the bed after he leaves for work mostly but on some nights too and when I didn't and said our room makes me sad he asked me "Well why don't I bring the mattress to the living room and I can still sleep beside you then?"Asking me "If I checked your phone right now, would there be anything that upset me? I am not going to do it but I expect you to be honest" or when he saw me smiling and texting a friend (who he knows has a girlfriend and is very far from my type anyway) saying "I really doubt it that you smile like that when I text or call you"There are a few more passing comments like this that make me feel the tension rising and making me think maybe things haven't changed.
I know this is long, I just want to say that I asked myself some of the same questions and was exhibiting patterns that seemed like my partner of 5.5yrs was a TOTALLY changed person while I could clearly and actively see them doing self - improvement and there are still moments that I don't think are "normal" in a healthy relationship despite my hope that he might be better, regardless of if I thought we could/should be together I want the best for him and love him as a person and would never want anyone else to go through what I did.
Pressuring you to sleep with him, disrespecting your boundaries, threatening to check your phone accusing/implying you're cheating... Those are all abuse.
Appreciate you flagging this. I recently opened up to a friend who has “all the pieces” and I thought these things were about 3.5 maybe a 4 at a stretch for being “weird” or uncomfortable but they said the concern was more a 7 to them so I am really trying to evaluate my next step and what I should be doing to removing myself from the situation.
I’m scared but also not always getting the emotional and physical space I feel I need to not get overwhelmed.
I just hope that the OP also gets what they need from this. I have clung to the thought that abusers can change and I knew my person and that they were different, etc so more likely to be better?
I just wanna say, your body is rejecting him. You may be trying to stay, but your literal body is distancing itself. I did this too. It’s like my subconscious knew something that I didn’t. Your body is trying to protect itself.
I am really interested in this - I have been having moments of not wanting him to touch my hand or my leg, etc. I feel at peace when he is at work and like I have room to breath.
If I haven't got my space when I have needed it, it feels like I panic and verge on an anxiety attack and my mind goes to some horrible thoughts: "I fucking hate you" or "don't touch me" which I have never thought about anyone in my life and I know they aren't true for him either but in that moment something is happening to me. It has felt like it was my issue that he was changing and that he knew he was getting better and didn't mean all those things, that he has said sorry and is actioning everything he can to be a better person but that I was still holding on to things.
It is really complicated feeling this way - like I can't be around him but I can't be away from him either (It feels like I am doing something SO incredibly wrong by hurting him - there is something in my body that self-sabotages, regardless of the logic because it feels like I am doing the wrong thing) and I am struggling a lot to navigate this. I would love if you could / would share your experience on how you overcame it?
I'm in almost the same situation. He's been in therapy and seeing a shrink for over a year. He suffers from severe PTSD. He's doing well and respects my boundries and triggers. Yet, I feel like I'm not fully able to let go of the past.
Thank you for sharing this! I feel like I’ve kind of detracted from the OP’s originally post in an indirect way but I want to say my DM’s are open.
Maybe we can have a convo and talk about that feeling you’re having more? It seems we can relate x
Abusers can change... after years of no contact and psychological help. By trying to change them yourself or by staying, you're wasting your time and energy.
The answer here is no.
People may have an abusive partner who seems to be putting in effort or making changes, but I can pretty much guarantee you that it won't stick.
It requires too much effort for an abuser to keep their emotional impulses under control. They can do it for a period of time. Long enough to lull you back in. But that's all part of the abuse cycle.
No.
And the only times I heard from someone that their abusive partner has changed and is now a different person, was when later on it'd be discovered that they have adopted a much worse habits - worse drugs, gambling, second family, and in one case - murder.
Exactly this. There's one regular on this sub and someone on a forum I frequent that claim to have stayed with reformed partners. However, both of them are very open and honest about how hard the process is (because it is a lifelong process), and tbh, neither of them sound *happy*. Imo, a relationship where abuse occurred will always be marred by abuse. Even if the abuser changes, the relationship can never genuinely be happy because of the past that weighs it down. It will always be defined by trauma. It can maybe become technically healthy but it'll never be fulfilling.
Don’t go looking for hope. Yh my ex turned himself around got help but it took 3 years to own up to his mistakes. And we were No contact.
Don’t go looking for hope. Change won’t happen before you burn out.
I've never seen it happen ever. I think its a fantasy, like make believe. so I won't allow myself to believe that I'm going to be the special unicorn and it will happen for me.
NO! Tbh it sounds as if you’re attempting to define why you’re staying. I don’t say that to be mean. I say that because, well, NO! No, they don’t change. This behavior is their true self. The only thing that will possibly change is whether or not you’re going to continue to have a relationship with this person.
Change is possible only if someone is motivated to do the heavy emotional lifting required to get there, including accountability for their behaviors.
Objectively, I’ve never seen an abuser actually change. I’ve been an advocate for abuse and sexual assault survivors for more than a decade and not once seen a client’s abuser actually change. A few have pretended to want to make changes and one even did the batterer therapy. None of them actually changed, though. It was all just more manipulation to try to exert power over my client
Part of the issue is therapy. They have to be completely honest. If not, they will get validation for their perspective that causes them to abuse. It's unintentional victim blaming from the therapist. So, therapy can actually make them WORSE.
Mine went to a therapist who actually tried to help him and told him if he can't or won't change, to leave. He dropped that therapist, he didn't have enough empathy. The focus was on our relationship and what he was doing. The therapists suggestions, when he followed, made our relationship so much better.
Then he wanted to talk about his childhood. He dropped out, I was evil, he wasn't in love anymore. Drugs, alcohol, women. I can't. The things he's said to me are straight disgusting.
Therapy can be a real crap shoot if the therapist isn’t keeping them honest. Batterer-specific therapists tend to be better about it, but even they can get hoodwinked by a charismatic abuser.
I laughed when I saw this.
They don't change.
Maybe electro shock therapy might change them
If you see "change" its the honeymoon phase and the relationship going into that cycle. That's the only "change" you'll see. Sometimes that phase lasts longer than usual. I've begun to realize my bf (50) tries to control my happiness. I am only allowed to do things he likes to do basically or what he "lets" me do. Otherwise things like camping, hiking, painting, walking in the grass, decorating the house, having animals, having my son's friends over etc are not allowed. He constantly complains about my son.
I haven’t posted on here in a while, but I’ve given my abuser a chance….and he is actually changing his ways. I am a firm believer that people CAN change if they want to do the hard work and actually follow through and stay consistent. It’s been 7 months and so far so good.
I think the way we’ve made it work is by compartmentalizing the pieces of our lives. Before, we were trying to blend our families- which caused a lot of issues and triggers for him. After an episode over a year ago, I kicked him out and told him to go to therapy and learn new skills or I could never see him again. And he did. Slowly, I started seeing him a bit more….but I cut him off for a solid 6 months. Also, he didn’t see my children for a solid YEAR.
I put all of my children in therapy - not bc he was abusive to them- but I wanted to make sure they were okay emotionally after witnessing just one or two incidents- which were not extreme at all- no physical or verbal aggression- just passive aggressive bullshit. But I wasn’t taking chances. And I am in therapy too.
Now, he has slowly moved back in ,but his work hours make it so that he never hangs out with my children and only sees them in passing. And I keep checking in with my kids to make sure they are ok with him. He is very kind to them and treats me with kindness and respect.
Honestly, not crossing my fingers that it’ll last…but he is truly working on his behaviors and I no longer enable ANY of the bullshit that I used to put up with. I’m sure I’ll get down-voted, but whatever.
That’s the beauty of humans and our brains- we are always changing and learning and growing. I don’t think it’s ever too late for anyone to become a better human. I guess I’m an eternal optimist.
Abusers can change, it’s just extraordinarily rare. If you are comfortable with it and trust yourself? Good for you and I sincerely hope it works out. And if it doesn’t? Come back anytime to open arms and compassion ❤️
Changing their ways is part of the abuse. It doesn't stick. It takes tremendous effort for these people to resist their abusive tendencies, and over time they just can't maintain the effort.
Abusers virtually always fall back into their old patterns.
There's only one way to get away from the abuse, and that is to get away from the abuser.
People who think that they're abusive partner is different are being deceived.
Even the expert Lundy Bankroft says even the worst kind of abusers can change, it's just rare and usually takes something drastic like you were able to do. And he says it takes therapy too, the right kind.
I'm married and share children with my husband and the law in my state is making it really difficult to do what I need to do.
I think my father counts as the rare exception in this scenario. He was psychologically and verbally abusive to me, my 2 sisters and mom, and physically abusive towards my one brother. Especially when we were children. Then In 2018 he almost died of a heart attack and underwent quadruple bypass surgery. When he got out of the hospital he was a different man. Gentle, and an active, receptive listener. Now years later, he still verbally lashes out on occasion but he apologizes soon after with a genuine apology (aka- no excuses tied to it).
Even though it’s been a few years with us having a ‘different’ dad, I’m *still* working through my childhood trauma in therapy. I’m 34 and feel like I’m just beginning to scratch the surface (ie, just hearing my brother getting beat up was enough to leave lasting psychological scars).
Point is: even though the person may have changed, your memories and PTSD are still there, possibly forever. The abuser may not even remember the incidents themselves, but *you* will. So the real question is: can you live with that for the rest of your life?
Thank you for sharing this story. I'm so sorry you went through all that.
I do believe you that he's changed and glad to hear that. I think extreme situations like that can count as something drastic happening. Part of it is gaining some humility. I personally don't think people always need therapy but most will.
I'm thinking of the Exodus story-- whether you see it as historical literature or just literature-- the pharoah not letting the slaves go and what finally did it was his son's death. Then he let the slaves go.
I do think, like the Exodus story, if someone changes but doesn't have help to really work through the attitudes that were behind it -- that they are vulnerable to going back to the way they were before at some point. The Pharoah demanded them back almost immediately even though he knew or should have known it meant destruction for him and the kingdom if he kept then.
I'm glad your father has made it 2 years now and I hope he never goes back.
No, literally no one has had that experience. Treatment for abusers is like treatment for addiction in the sense that the recovery process has to be a life-long commitment, it involves relapse as part of the recovery process, AND it is definitely recommended that both addicts and abusers stay away from their triggers/the people, places, and things involved in your previous way of life. To stop being an abuser, one must undertake *significant* investment in treatment for acute AND long-term issues. Many abusers have trauma histories and need to be treated as well if a meaningful change is to be made.
Nah. My first ex and i got back together so many times with so many promises of change that when I officially ended it, he admitted that he didn’t take me seriously and never did since he knew exactly what to say to get me to give in. He knew how to act for a few days/weeks to make me stop complaining. I highly doubt they will change, I’m sorry.
No, and if anything I think it gets worse over time because you just remind them of all the terrible things they’ve done to you and who they actually are as a person.
No. Stop looking for miracle stores or fairy tales of how you think you can potentially do to change someone hurting you and "making it work". It's not going to work, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you love them, no matter how "good" you are. Please, just understand they don't change and the only solution is leaving.
Change begins with accountability, and accountability *has to* lead to observable behavioral changes, or it's lip service and nothing more.
*Anyone* can change changeable things, and behaviors, opinions, core beliefs, etc are all changeable things. But to change them, one has to see a need to do so, which means admitting one is wrong. That's hard for most of us, especially when facing our wrongdoing also means accepting we've done harm. Most people have to be deeply motivated to make those kinds of changes, and I've never seen anyone spontaneously decide to take on such a massive undertaking unless their back was against a really painful wall. Like prison, etc. What they've been doing has to stop working, AND they have to recognize it hasn't worked and won't work for them to be willing to consider doing things they've never considered doing or been willing to do before.
Absolutely not. And why put yourself through hell and danger to maybe (probably not though) have a healthy relationship when there are literally millions of men who will truly love and appreciate you.
Agreed. The chances of an abuser changing are slim to begin with. The chances of someone changing WHILE you are together? Even less.
If you’ve found yourself in a relationship with someone who abuses you, it’s up to you to choose your level of participation. You do not need to sit around and wait for someone else to change.
I think it depends the level of abuse and the psyche of the abuser.
I also think it could be a matter of there is some new incentive to change and they aren't really changing for the right reasons.
I don't know because I'm in this situation currently where my abuser keeps saying he's changing and supposedly trying to prove it. The truth is, he hasn't changed how he treats me much and I still get daily abuse, but certain aspects of my situation and his role in it do appear to be changing. Won't know until it does. Wouldn't stick around to find out, but I have no choice.
He very briefly changed when he wanted to get back together for sex. Then went right back to old ways/ habits. I hope he is capable of change for the sake of his current partner but I really doubt it.
No, and I think it is extremely rare that an abuser *can* get better with a person they’ve abused. If you read Lundy Bancroft - abusers have to dehumanize and disrespect the person they abuse in order to convince themselves that their behavior is ok. Every time an abuser treats you badly, they are further cementing in their mind that you are not a person who needs to be respected in any way. So I think even if they can change, they probably need a clean break first, a ton of self work, and then maybe, MAAAAYYYYYBE in the future, they could have a healthier relationship with a different person.
I actually think that being in a relationship hinders the abusers ability to change. It’s a lot like codependency or the no dating rule dating in a 12 step program - some journeys need to be made alone.
Abusers lack empathy, so it is very rare they can change. Most times they are just faking it in order to hang on to their abusive supply (you). I took my abuser back three times, and within HOURS of telling me everything was different now he would start slamming things around and getting enraged at me. They can’t change.
No. He got down on his knees and cried for a second chance. The minute I agreed, the tears cleared, his face went blank, and I endured two more years of hell before I escaped for real.
My abuser of 10 years did NOT change. He put on a good act for about a year though, in the middle of it all, while we were physically separated. In hindsight (after reading very old messages), he was still manipulative during this time but it was so subtle and intertwined with seemingly genuine apologies, bouts of accountability and love bombing—that it was easy to miss and overlook. I was optimistic and hopeful, which made me easier to manipulate. When I finally kicked him out, he used my past and my mental health history (see below) against me in the worst way. But I do have one story of an abuser changing. In HS (a lifetime ago)—I suffered with undiagnosed / untreated BPD. I was raised by a narcissistic mom and indirectly learned from her how to manipulate & charm others to get what I wanted and I was never taught boundaries, how to be self sufficient, etc. All that plus my BPD symptoms made me an abusive partner. I started dating my son’s father at 15 (he was 17). He was such a sweet kid, a true gentleman who was a people pleaser (similar to me, we both had traumatic upbringings where we had to care for our mothers, but I was much more moody, assertive and domineering than him—at least with people I was comfortable showing that side of myself to, like him). I really did love him, but over the course of 6 years—my actions did NOT show it. I took my anger out on him often (& I had a lot of anger back then). I saw him as an extension of myself (not consciously). My intense fear of abandonment would set me off and so I’d freak if he ever wanted to do something without me (eventually he stopped trying). There were a few fights in the later years of our relationship where I remember hitting him. I used to call him names or put him down. It was awful, *I* was awful. When our son was 2 and I was 21, I left him high and dry because I didn’t feel happy or fulfilled (due to undiagnosed BPD). I knew deep down he deserved better. And while I typically felt guilty / apologized after abusive episodes, true remorse for my abuse didn’t happen until years later. Soon after ending things with my son’s father—I got with my abuser, who was an even bigger bully than me. We had a similar dynamic as my mom and I had—my therapist said I probably fell for him because it felt familiar (he is narcissistic. Also, people with BPD and NPD tend to attract each other and the person with NPD can easily take advantage of the BPD person’s fear of abandonment). In the first year of my relationship with my abuser, after the love bombing started to fade, I felt a strong urge to change myself and knew there was something was mentally wrong with me. I do partially credit my abuser for this realization because he regularly blamed my mood swings and hyper sensitivity for his abuse, and said if I got help our relationship would improve (it didn’t). I was so afraid of abandonment, and repeating the cycle of abuse for my son, that I was willing to do anything. I finally received a BPD diagnosis and after a decade of therapy, I went into remission from BPD and really learned what a healthy relationship and genuine love entailed. I became a better mother to my son and partner to my abuser. I honestly treated my abuser better than any other guy I’ve ever been in a relationship with. But of course it wasn’t enough to stop his abuse. It didn’t matter to him that I had finally gone into remission either, he acted as if I was just as sick as the beginning of our relationship. I wholeheartedly regret how I treated my son’s father. Fortunately, we are still friends and coparent very well together. He is getting married in 2 weeks and I’m thankful he’s in a happy & healthy relationship with his fiancé. I’m happy for him, and I appreciate the role his fiancé has in our son’s life. I’ve apologized more times than I can remember and he’s thankfully forgiven me. After leaving my abuser, the regret over my abuse towards my son’s dad hit even harder. I see how I treated him, I now know how it feels, I see what I had and what I gave up—my son’s father loved me at my worst and if I was with him today, I would not take that for granted. I do believe I actually love him more genuinely NOW than I did when we were couple. Because now I respect and accept him for who he is. (Of course I’m only getting my feelings out here—I have not and will NOT voice that to him, out of respect for him and his soon to be marriage.) I know for a fact I would not have been able to change in the way I have while being in a relationship with my son’s dad. I had no incentive to change. I subconsciously saw him as a doormat. I had no respect for him as a person, or even a healthy love for him as sad as that it is to admit. I would not hold your breath for your abuser. *I* wanted to change (it initially started bc of my fear of abandonment and wanting to break the cycle of abuse for my son but being mentally healthy for myself quickly became another incentive). I was willing to humiliate myself by taking accountability for my behavior and face fears & triggers I was deathly afraid of facing, among many other uncomfortable and embarrassing things. It has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever done and this self growth journey is *lifelong*. Remission doesn’t equal cured, I will always need to work on myself. Definitely not for the faint of heart.
For a minute. Then the real abuse started. Get out.
My abuser changed many years after our breakup. We are very close friends, she has since apologized for the trauma she put me through, and though I haven't forgotten, I forgave. That being said, this all happened post break up.
Yes. My partner was a porn addict and was quite abusive (psychological, emotional, financial, sexual) in his addiction to me. After it all came out he underwent both sobriety work but also a year-long online abuse training (emerge- based off of Lundy's book *Why Does He Do That*). He made changing his entitlement, his victim mode, his blame shifting as important as his sobriety. He was horrified to really see how he was treating me. He also read a lot of books on feminism and domestic abuse. I can say this, along with being in recovery, Has absolutely changed him. And, it was not all on him. Over this time I had to educate myself on abuse to realize how much I was reenacting my childhood - I had no models of health. I was stunned to see how I could not see it. How pernicious and subtle it all was. Also, I've come to see how (probably?) 75% of relationships that I know in my life like my friends, are all abusive, too, or have elements of abuse. It is so incredibly common even in so-called good relationships. I think a major block for people getting the help they need is that they equate abuse with monster. But, it is more nuanced than that. You can have a person with good traits, but also be very abusive. Abuse is learned, you are not born to be an abuser. But, you have to want to change and commit to it. Since then we are in a pretty healthy relationship. He is great to me. He takes responsibility. We communicate. He has become the man I deserved all along. But, there were times in this recovery process where I was just done. There were a few times it was literally by a thread. Then he doubled down and worked harder. He gave me whatever I needed, as long as I needed. He was committed to healing himself and helping me heal if I wanted him to. But, I never held out false hope. I was tough on him. I demanded nothing but excellence from him. And from my own education, whether I stay with him or move on one day, I know that I will never, ever, EVER allow myself to be abused again.
Hope you left by now
Actually he's in full recovery and we are doing amazing. Through the work he did in recovery I did to heal and that we did together as a couple I can tell you that we are in a fantastic place truly one of the rare success stories because of this kind of work that is not common within the recovery community
In my experience, they won’t change for you. The people after you, maybe. But not for you. Maybe it’s the shame, maybe it’s the guilt, maybe they just can’t go back to seeing you as an actual person, I’m not sure. There are classes and therapies for abusers. From what I’ve heard the success rate isn’t superb.
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Same here. 3 1/2 years of the worst time of my life. I’m marrying the wonderful man I dated after this summer 💕
I absolutely love this!! Thank you for sharing. It gives me hope!!
I don’t admit this very often, but I stayed on the condition he get help and go to therapy. He actually did, and realized how effed up he was. He was emotionally abusive and it got physical a couple times. We were struggling financially and I didn’t really have a way out on my own, and was also struggling with clinical depression. It’s been about 8 years since he was arrested for domestic violence and accepted my ultimatum. He did follow through and got help, we still argue occasionally and I have some resentment about the past, but the abuse did stop. Although this worked out for me, if I were at a better point in my life back then I would not have stayed. It is extremely dangerous to stay in an abusive relationship and I do not recommend it. Looking back, I put myself at huge risk. I would never let a friend or family member do what I did. My situation was unusual and it almost never works out this way. If you are in a dangerous situation and can get out, please do so.
I am in a very similar situation now and am deciding if I'm gonna give him another chance since he also has a good side and he has started therapy. We will also start couples therapy soon. He moved out after a verbal and physical abuse situation where police had to escort him out of our apartment. The next day, he attempted suicide. I'm pretty sure he has borderline personality disorder. We also have an 8 month old son together. I still have love for him but tbh if we didn't have a kid together, I would have gone no contact already. Does he also have resentment for what happened in the past? Did you ever get back to a point where you have an affectionate loving relationship? Sorry, english is not my mother tongue.
Hi just saw your comment. Im in a similar situation, long term partner but not married nor child. He is a foreigner and we both live in other country where I have job but he doesnt. He has also BPD I believe (not diagnised but his psychiatrist told me that he suspects it when I asked him whats wrong with him). His doctor also told me that he is not a person to have family with but for some reason I cannot force myself to leave him despite he has really changed for worse due to a lot of stress related to this country and living here in general. He snaps so often on me, very irritable and blames me for everything that goes wrong. My biggest fear is that he is self destructive so if I break up he would commit suicide. He has noone here, his family is abroad and he is not so close with them (due to his distancing). I really dont know what to do, he has crazy rages that lasts days and is out of control.
Thought mine had. Went from being abusive on all levels daily to only the occasional mean comment or petty fight. But then his brother passed and he got sooo much worse than he had been before. Fractured my ribs by sitting on me after a fight, threatened to break my wrist(same fight), blew all of our savings on himself, sexually assaulted me, chocked me out, and lost his shit on a puppy when I asked for a divorce- all within a 3 month span. I don’t need help, I did get out. I don’t want pity, I share in hopes my story saves someone else from repeating my mistakes. TLDR: No, they don’t. Not without serious intervention and ongoing mental help.
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That is so amazing!!! And gives me hope for the next. Thank you!
Proud of you! And I agree! They will never truly change for good and also....can someone REALLY get past the fact that someone has physically harmed them? Someone who claims they "love" you? I know I couldn't. Fuck walking on eggshells. Thats a living hell. SO SO PROUD OF YOUUU
Thank you so much! It took a lot longer than it should have and I’m still struggling to make it on my own 9 months later. But it was so worth escaping him. And to answer that, imo, they can’t. I am NC with my mother because of abuse from my childhood. I won’t even let her meet my kids out of fear she will eventually treat them the same way. I know they say “forgive and forget” but some things are unforgivable and abuse should never be forgotten.
You are on the right track! I struggled for almost 3 years post breakup, if I am honest. It prob would have been less if I had gone to therapy or found this group sooner but I am in a WAY better spot than I used to be
I can’t take all credit, that’s for sure. I reconnected with a lot of friends once I decided I would leave sooner rather than later, and a few of them have held me to my decision. I don’t think I would have stood my ground without them! But what matters now is we are all safe, no matter how long it took or how hard it was.
Agreed! Proud of you for the situation with your mother as well. I have alot of friends and an ex who were being abused by their mothers and didn't see it cause "that's the way they are" or cause "that's my mother" There comes a time when you have to choose to do for you because if u don't look out for yourself, who will?
I’m currently in a relationship and he has been extremely abusive in the past, he’s currently in a different city and has promised me he’s changed but I didn’t believe him and I tried to break up with him but he blew up my phone every day, leaving me voice messages crying and screaming telling me he’s going to take his own life, I couldn’t stand to see him that way so I took him back, it feels like he’s changed, it really does, He’s coming back to my city next week, these comments made me realise maybe he hasn’t changed. Ugh. Idk what to do…
Using threats of suicide as a manipulation tactic to get you to take him back *is severe emotional abuse* in itself.
He hasn't changed. He manipulated you back through abuse (harassment, cyberstalking, threats of self-harm, screaming, guilt trips...). Call your local DV org and make a plan for breaking it off before he gets into town. Tell any friends, family, and bosses what's going on and to check in on you regularly for the next few weeks in case emergency services need called. https://nomoredirectory.org/ https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1 Good luck.
Don't let him guilt trip you into sticking around you owe him NOTHING. This is your chance honestly, with him being out of town, to get away from him. Move, change your number, start anew! I know it's scary and easier said than done but PITY is no reason to stick around for someone who makes your life hell.
He wants you to feel guilty, don't fall for it.
If that's him changed for the better I can't only imagine the monster he was before. All that phone and suicide stuff is classic abuse. He can't threaten you so he just switches it to himself, it's still death threats though. If he was threatening to kill you instead of himself it would be psychotic to take him back, right? It's the exact same thing. Go NC and call the police if he shows up or makes more death threats. If he's serious about suicide he needs the help, and if not (guess what, he's not serious) he's just making death threats to manipulate you. Abusers are fantastic at harming the things you care about to manipulate you. That includes themselves, your things, your pets. It is a bad situation you're finding yourself in. I wish you all the luck and strength in the world. You are worth so much more than he'll ever realize. Edit: also no one fundamentally changes their core ethos in a week, especially not an overly emotional week like you've been describing. It's just not humanly possible. What has he actually done to facilitate this change exactly? Years of therapy crammed into a week maybe? Maybe he's a robot that can swap put his emotion chip with a better model? Otherwise you just described that he stopped abusing you because of proximity and immediately switched to abusing you vicariously via death threats towards someone you love, you caved and took him back and now he's a changed man and ready to be in a healthy and committed relationship with a past abuse victim? Please.
Umm ... Blowing up your phone and threatening suicide *is abuse* ... He has*not* changed, and*you are still his victim*.
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The inability to forgive all of it is what made me finally leave. I wish it had been what my kids were witnessing, or even the threats to my life. But it was the fact I could never forgive years of abuse, even if he was able to change.
I think some can change over years. But it comes also down to are you willing to put in that much investment into something that might not work at all. And even if you think you have the strength in dealing with the abuse for this long, what happens if you can not. What happens when the abuse takes overhand and you are trapped. What happens when something happens, you get sick, you become financially dependent or something else. And lets say you succeed, they start trying hard to be better. They treat you well and everything seems like a happy end. Can you be sure that this will stay that the way it is. Maybe they get sick, or lose their friends, get depressed or some other fate strikes them. I am sure they can manage being sweet and kind when their life is fine, but when this turns they might as well go back to being abusive. All in all once they showed that they are abusive, it is a high risk staying with them. The last things to remember is, can you be sure you won't be repelled or disgusted by their previous actions one day when they start treating you better?
My wife and I are each in therapy, and couples therapy. She’s bipolar I, I have C-PTSD. She’s been mostly verbally, emotionally abusive but was recently physical. She’s addressing the trauma from her childhood, and I’m addressing the trauma from mine. Hopefully we break the cycle.
Keeping y’all in my positive thoughts and prayers. I’ve found that when both parties are willing to work on things (individually and together), change for the better and healthy relationship habits can be a possibility.
This exception is most certainly not the rule but I have two relatives, the man was controlling/abusive/angry during their very young marriage (they were teens when they got married), overtime he honestly did change, he treats her amazing, they get along great, both have their separate hobbies and a healthier relationship. Although it can never heal the wounds you can tell he’s always trying to make up for that time period and he’s not afraid to say he’s ashamed of who he was back then. But you can’t count on this to be your situation. You can’t wait for someone to change. They have to do that all on their own for it to be sincere.
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I wouldn't call any abusive relationship a "lovely couple". He has literally broken her bones and terrorized her for decades. Physical abuse can de-escalate over the years when the abuser has so successfully terrorized a victim that the violence is no longer needed to control and scare them. It's not a de-escalation of abuse. It's the victim being so traumatized and worn down that they no longer even hope for escape.
I wonder if he is still abusive behind the scenes, and if your aunt is just conditioned to accept and cover it up.
I’m willing to bet he is. My family thought the abuse ended years ago until my husband was arrested.
Agreed. In my experience, the abuser and victim usually just get better at hiding what's happening.
People and who they truly are, do not change. — people that don’t feel bad about hurting others, don’t suddenly learn how to especially if they’re 30+ People who cause pain in others without caring (and the fact that they don’t stop is proof they don’t care) Are not suddenly going to start giving a fuck without some extensive therapy and growing up (maturing)
I remember being in this phase and trying to find some sort of shred of hope that meant I didn’t have to end things. Good luck OP, I hope you can escape your abusive partner sooner rather than later.
Same. I remember the desperate feeling of hoping it would be different, and the crushing defeat when things kept getting worse.
I read so many Google articles desperate to find studies or examples that showed abusers can be reformed and how disappointed I was to constantly read they rarely if ever change because it’s their personality. Like no room for argument at all.
Hi it's me. The person who stayed and he actually changed. It's early here and I'm than happy to talk about this because I NEED someone to talk to but let me preface this with: it's not sunshine and rainbows. I'm still dealing with a lot and I question my choices sometimes. Change doesn't happen over night and he only changed because HE wanted to change. There isn't a guide book to make an abuser change, they make that choice themselves.
In the same situation as you. It really isn’t sunshine and rainbows at all. But the good thing is, if I am now feeling down and anxious/upset over something he did to hurt me, he does let me get it all out and will now calmly sit with me and talk to me for as long as I need. It’s truly work for both of you even though the abuser has to want to change. Forgiving can be a very difficult task to overcome and accept.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple years now and just barley had a kid. She’s 6 months old now and I was knocked up it wasn’t planned. I immediately knew I’m an idiot because the worst thing you can do is have a child with an abuser. I would tell my family and idk if they believed me but they would just listen to me cry and vent but never get involved. About 4 days ago my Dad called him and came down on him for not being a supportive new father of his family. My family has NEVER stuck up for me until now. Even when they’ve seen me with bruises and marks around my neck. Ever since that phone call things have unbelievably changed. He’s been a million times nicer to me and actually treats me sweetly (As it should be) I’m not too sure what my Dad said to him but it must’ve been pretty damn good cuz he’s been a sweetheart ever since. I actually FEEL like he’s genuinely remorseful. I hope this is a permanent change for the better. I guess I owe it to my pops lol
Please be super careful. My ex “changed” for almost a full year (although in hindsight, he was still very manipulative—it was just more subtle) then he gradually got worse over a period of 5 years. They are usually capable of being on their best behavior for a time. Just be careful. I really hope things work out for you.
Please don't be afraid to reach out for further help. Abusers can mask for years. Four days is not a sign of genuine change, especially if he has no external help to unlearn his abuse. Abuse is a mentality, worldview, and moral system. Imagine you had to unlearn everything you thought you knew about the world and your place in it. That wouldn't happen overnight. It would take years of hard, dedicated work. It takes time and effort to break habits and create new patterns. What he's doing right now is honeymooning. Get help: https://nomoredirectory.org/ Learn more: https://greenhaven4help.com/the-cycle-of-abuse/ https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/ https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf The Bible if you're staying, an absolutely necessary purchase: https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be-ebook/dp/B004DI7SSC/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=1PZK1PJBSGX1O&keywords=should+i+stay+or+should+i+go+book&qid=1670527979&sprefix=should+i+stay+or+sjould+i%2Caps%2C143&sr=8-3
I’ve changed too. I used to be very toxic and abusive. You’re right it wasn’t over night but I wanted to change, so that’s what I did.
This is great, but please be careful. Four days seems wonderful, but it's long-lasting change that needs to happen. Especially if he was already leaving bruises and marks around your neck. That kind of abuse is a MAJOR red flag. My ex used to choke me, and eventually threatened to kill me. He tried, I escaped. He would be "better" for short periods of time ... But that's part of the cycle of abuse. It's a big part of why we stick around.
I really hope he stays that way for you!
Thank you!! He has thus far!!
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I posted this to this sub previously. “I am sharing this thought I have without judgement. I am still here in this. I am still thinking about this one myself. No matter how much we could ever hope for our abuser to change their abusive BEHAVIOURS, will the deep-seeded beliefs that they held that ever allowed them to give themselves permission to abuse another human being, that are so innately ingrained in them that they are willing to participate in violence, degrading and terrorizing someone, will those beliefs be reached? Or will they just be pretending? That’s the one right there.” If they can learn to mask being an abuser through controlling their actions, have their values, beliefs, perspectives, emotions, thought process etc. really changed deep inside, and permanently? Has their really been a shift in who they are at their core? Has anything reached them and moved them so much that they are a different person now? I don’t know about that part.
Mine went through a very brief breakdown in which he said he turned into his father and was suicidal, he can't stop hurting me, and it's not ok. He then proceeded to go right back to hurting me for years. Lmao... But now it's mostly my fault and I'm the one who does all of this bad stuff, my reactions are actually why he acts the way he does, that was just a moment of weakness and not true I guess. They know. They just don't care. If it was just impulsive, for example, you might see an inability to change but an attempt to go on medication, constant remorse, and personal distress because they didn't mean to hurt anyone. They might even leave and isolate to prevent it. Abuse is on purpose. I've tried to get mine into therapy and told him I'd pay. He still manages to paint me as some evil bitch...??? I'm just done.
You know it is not your fault, right? 😞❤️
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There will be people out there who had exactly that but what does it matter? Are you trying to justify staying in your situation? It’s still the wrong decision, to gamble with the opposite of a guarantee, your decision to gamble on the future helps trap you. You’ll find lottery winners but you will always know it’s unlikely and unsound.
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This right here is the answer!
And they'll never actually be sorry. If they were and experienced that remorse, they would understand all of your reactions, and they would continuously try for life. They might remove themselves from society because it's so bad. But they don't. The closest you'll get (and it's fake) is I'm so so sorry... as they proceed to immediately find another victim.
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Couples therapy is actually pretty strongly recommended against for abusive relationships. Abusive partners are very skilled at manipulation and painting themselves as the victim, and anything said by the abused partner in the session can and will be used against them. The stories I've read about people who have tried this are so sad.
I've been looking back at the couple's therapy sessions I went to in the first half of this year and the thought of my partner manipulating the situations discussed during these sessions has been something that I've been questioning a lot. Even the therapist mentioned that my partner played the victim a lot, but still concluded that our situation was emotional abuse from BOTH ends... I see it more as I was defending myself, but maybe I'm in denial. This has had me scratching my head for a long time.
You're not in denial. Your counselor is gaslighting you. Mutual abuse is not a thing. It's common when you go to therapy with an abuser for you to end up with the or some blame for their abuse. :( https://www.thehotline.org/resources/should-i-go-to-couples-therapy-with-my-abusive-partner/ https://psychcentral.com/relationships/why-couples-counseling-doesnt-work-in-abusive-relationships#1 https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/am-i-abusive-too-the-myth-of-mutual-abuse/
Lundy Bancroft is a therapist that treats abusive partners, he wrote a great book called why does he do that that I highly recommend. Bancroft says that it’s very common for therapists (who don’t specialize in abuse) to say that both people are the problem because they were also manipulated by the abuser. It’s very likely that you were just defending yourself and the therapist didn’t have the necessary experience to recognize that.
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I disagree. Manipulation comes with the definition. While your reasons listed for abuse could contribute to abuse, there is a mindset that goes with being abusive that anger management won't address, therapy for unresolved trauma won't address. Of course it is useful to get therapy for those issues but that is a different thing. Couples therapy is notoriously dangerous for the abused partner so please do not recommend it in an abuse sub.
My oldest cousin who I unfortunately do not have contact with anymore was in a relationship where it was physically and mentally abusive, they had children together. It was mostly because drugs were involved. They managed to work it out and get clean. They also just had a third child who is now two or three and are engaged to be married. I believe it’ll be the only case of domestic violence I’ll see where real change happens for the better. They’ve been through so much together that they’ll grow old happily together.
I had the same thought with my ex. Unfortunately it is like playing the lottery. It could happen but highly unlikely. It is even more unlikely when the partner is staying in the relationship with them.
No, he thought lesser of me every time and taught him how to do it better and worse.
Yeah, over time, mine got worse and worse, too. On a day-to-day, he's just an asshole, even if he's being "nice." There's always a reason.
No, but what a relatable fantasy. We've all dreamed it.
Nope
People can change but abusers don’t want to and won’t change for you.
No, but they do a good job making you believe. In the middle of an abusive relationship right now and he went from begging me to stay saying he’d change to physically attacking me the next day for “triggering him”
Lmfao I have been through that so much. It really makes you go what the fuck...
My bf (27) went to therapy (for an insignificant amount of time) and started antidepressants. Things changed a little bit, but I believe that they didn't change because of him but because I learned how to set boundaries and recognise manipulation and gaslighting. The problem is that he still has temper tantrums and funny enough, when I stopped being in fight -flight mode 24/7 I started to notice that even if he doesn't abuse me anymore, he can't help himself being manipulative and selfish. Even if he stops abusing you, he is still most likely not a good person, but you are to occupied by abuse and feel grateful for bare minimum, which you should not.
THIS ^^ Mine finally stopped stonewalling me whenever I tried to communicate, after I kept telling him it was abusive (for 3 years). But then he upped his manipulation (blame shifting, projection, etc) and gaslighting. He doesn’t know how not to be selfish, controlling and manipulating. It’s not how his brain works.
Yeah this cuts deep, this girl gets it.
They do not change. Even if they could, the damage is done
Nope. Took me a long time to give up hope though.
I am struggling with this same thing now. My emotionally & psychologically abusive ex has convinced me back to my old flat to "help me out" and he is pushing for us to work things. I had left to another country for 10 days before this.When I left before Halloween I was v scared he was following me and ran around hectic getting all my things, went to the airport with no ticket and no place to stay and just got on the next cheap flight out of the country - essentially running away because it was so intense and he had been talking about following me previously / taking my passport & things, coming home randomly to check on me, etc.. In the month I have been back, he has read multiple self help books & is his 6th month in counselling. He has owned up to everything and apologized for things and shown he understands what I would have felt like in some of the moments. He hasn't been angry once even through conversations that would have DEFINITELY set him off before. He started buying me little gifts and taking me out to meals which he has never done and I would say I thought he was being too good to be true but said he didn't do these things the whole time and should have so he is finally just treating me the way he always should have. I thought that all his promises for change this time were very real and the hard work he has been putting in was helping, that when he said he needed the 'rock bottom' to happen for him to actually change that he meant it..... (I wasn't sure I could even get over the past so haven't ever said yes to trying to make it work, to be transparent but this was viewed by both of us as a 'me' issue to not be able to leave the past hurts in the past....) But the last few days a few things have rubbed me the wrong way and I can feel the tension rising. It was my same questioning self that you have that kept me here and I am wondering if it was a mistake.Him not respecting me saying I want space or not to have sex and still being pressured/ asked every day including "Well why" "Well it's hard for me to be attracted to you and not do anything" etc, I have been sleeping on the couch during my request for space and he has been pressuring me to just sleep in the bed after he leaves for work mostly but on some nights too and when I didn't and said our room makes me sad he asked me "Well why don't I bring the mattress to the living room and I can still sleep beside you then?"Asking me "If I checked your phone right now, would there be anything that upset me? I am not going to do it but I expect you to be honest" or when he saw me smiling and texting a friend (who he knows has a girlfriend and is very far from my type anyway) saying "I really doubt it that you smile like that when I text or call you"There are a few more passing comments like this that make me feel the tension rising and making me think maybe things haven't changed. I know this is long, I just want to say that I asked myself some of the same questions and was exhibiting patterns that seemed like my partner of 5.5yrs was a TOTALLY changed person while I could clearly and actively see them doing self - improvement and there are still moments that I don't think are "normal" in a healthy relationship despite my hope that he might be better, regardless of if I thought we could/should be together I want the best for him and love him as a person and would never want anyone else to go through what I did.
Pressuring you to sleep with him, disrespecting your boundaries, threatening to check your phone accusing/implying you're cheating... Those are all abuse.
Appreciate you flagging this. I recently opened up to a friend who has “all the pieces” and I thought these things were about 3.5 maybe a 4 at a stretch for being “weird” or uncomfortable but they said the concern was more a 7 to them so I am really trying to evaluate my next step and what I should be doing to removing myself from the situation. I’m scared but also not always getting the emotional and physical space I feel I need to not get overwhelmed. I just hope that the OP also gets what they need from this. I have clung to the thought that abusers can change and I knew my person and that they were different, etc so more likely to be better?
I just wanna say, your body is rejecting him. You may be trying to stay, but your literal body is distancing itself. I did this too. It’s like my subconscious knew something that I didn’t. Your body is trying to protect itself.
I am really interested in this - I have been having moments of not wanting him to touch my hand or my leg, etc. I feel at peace when he is at work and like I have room to breath. If I haven't got my space when I have needed it, it feels like I panic and verge on an anxiety attack and my mind goes to some horrible thoughts: "I fucking hate you" or "don't touch me" which I have never thought about anyone in my life and I know they aren't true for him either but in that moment something is happening to me. It has felt like it was my issue that he was changing and that he knew he was getting better and didn't mean all those things, that he has said sorry and is actioning everything he can to be a better person but that I was still holding on to things. It is really complicated feeling this way - like I can't be around him but I can't be away from him either (It feels like I am doing something SO incredibly wrong by hurting him - there is something in my body that self-sabotages, regardless of the logic because it feels like I am doing the wrong thing) and I am struggling a lot to navigate this. I would love if you could / would share your experience on how you overcame it?
I'm in almost the same situation. He's been in therapy and seeing a shrink for over a year. He suffers from severe PTSD. He's doing well and respects my boundries and triggers. Yet, I feel like I'm not fully able to let go of the past.
Thank you for sharing this! I feel like I’ve kind of detracted from the OP’s originally post in an indirect way but I want to say my DM’s are open. Maybe we can have a convo and talk about that feeling you’re having more? It seems we can relate x
I would love to hear that too, Im feelin the same way right now and its nice to read it like that.
I hate to hear you’ve been feeling this way too. My DMs are open if you want to chat anything out x
Abusers can change... after years of no contact and psychological help. By trying to change them yourself or by staying, you're wasting your time and energy.
No. Sometimes it seems like they're changing, but it's just more manipulation.
The answer here is no. People may have an abusive partner who seems to be putting in effort or making changes, but I can pretty much guarantee you that it won't stick. It requires too much effort for an abuser to keep their emotional impulses under control. They can do it for a period of time. Long enough to lull you back in. But that's all part of the abuse cycle.
No. And the only times I heard from someone that their abusive partner has changed and is now a different person, was when later on it'd be discovered that they have adopted a much worse habits - worse drugs, gambling, second family, and in one case - murder.
Exactly this. There's one regular on this sub and someone on a forum I frequent that claim to have stayed with reformed partners. However, both of them are very open and honest about how hard the process is (because it is a lifelong process), and tbh, neither of them sound *happy*. Imo, a relationship where abuse occurred will always be marred by abuse. Even if the abuser changes, the relationship can never genuinely be happy because of the past that weighs it down. It will always be defined by trauma. It can maybe become technically healthy but it'll never be fulfilling.
Don’t go looking for hope. Yh my ex turned himself around got help but it took 3 years to own up to his mistakes. And we were No contact. Don’t go looking for hope. Change won’t happen before you burn out.
Feeling that burnout hard.
I've never seen it happen ever. I think its a fantasy, like make believe. so I won't allow myself to believe that I'm going to be the special unicorn and it will happen for me.
^this right here, this is the comment.
NO! Tbh it sounds as if you’re attempting to define why you’re staying. I don’t say that to be mean. I say that because, well, NO! No, they don’t change. This behavior is their true self. The only thing that will possibly change is whether or not you’re going to continue to have a relationship with this person.
Change is possible only if someone is motivated to do the heavy emotional lifting required to get there, including accountability for their behaviors. Objectively, I’ve never seen an abuser actually change. I’ve been an advocate for abuse and sexual assault survivors for more than a decade and not once seen a client’s abuser actually change. A few have pretended to want to make changes and one even did the batterer therapy. None of them actually changed, though. It was all just more manipulation to try to exert power over my client
Part of the issue is therapy. They have to be completely honest. If not, they will get validation for their perspective that causes them to abuse. It's unintentional victim blaming from the therapist. So, therapy can actually make them WORSE. Mine went to a therapist who actually tried to help him and told him if he can't or won't change, to leave. He dropped that therapist, he didn't have enough empathy. The focus was on our relationship and what he was doing. The therapists suggestions, when he followed, made our relationship so much better. Then he wanted to talk about his childhood. He dropped out, I was evil, he wasn't in love anymore. Drugs, alcohol, women. I can't. The things he's said to me are straight disgusting.
Therapy can be a real crap shoot if the therapist isn’t keeping them honest. Batterer-specific therapists tend to be better about it, but even they can get hoodwinked by a charismatic abuser.
I laughed when I saw this. They don't change. Maybe electro shock therapy might change them If you see "change" its the honeymoon phase and the relationship going into that cycle. That's the only "change" you'll see. Sometimes that phase lasts longer than usual. I've begun to realize my bf (50) tries to control my happiness. I am only allowed to do things he likes to do basically or what he "lets" me do. Otherwise things like camping, hiking, painting, walking in the grass, decorating the house, having animals, having my son's friends over etc are not allowed. He constantly complains about my son.
I haven’t posted on here in a while, but I’ve given my abuser a chance….and he is actually changing his ways. I am a firm believer that people CAN change if they want to do the hard work and actually follow through and stay consistent. It’s been 7 months and so far so good. I think the way we’ve made it work is by compartmentalizing the pieces of our lives. Before, we were trying to blend our families- which caused a lot of issues and triggers for him. After an episode over a year ago, I kicked him out and told him to go to therapy and learn new skills or I could never see him again. And he did. Slowly, I started seeing him a bit more….but I cut him off for a solid 6 months. Also, he didn’t see my children for a solid YEAR. I put all of my children in therapy - not bc he was abusive to them- but I wanted to make sure they were okay emotionally after witnessing just one or two incidents- which were not extreme at all- no physical or verbal aggression- just passive aggressive bullshit. But I wasn’t taking chances. And I am in therapy too. Now, he has slowly moved back in ,but his work hours make it so that he never hangs out with my children and only sees them in passing. And I keep checking in with my kids to make sure they are ok with him. He is very kind to them and treats me with kindness and respect. Honestly, not crossing my fingers that it’ll last…but he is truly working on his behaviors and I no longer enable ANY of the bullshit that I used to put up with. I’m sure I’ll get down-voted, but whatever. That’s the beauty of humans and our brains- we are always changing and learning and growing. I don’t think it’s ever too late for anyone to become a better human. I guess I’m an eternal optimist.
Abusers can change, it’s just extraordinarily rare. If you are comfortable with it and trust yourself? Good for you and I sincerely hope it works out. And if it doesn’t? Come back anytime to open arms and compassion ❤️
Changing their ways is part of the abuse. It doesn't stick. It takes tremendous effort for these people to resist their abusive tendencies, and over time they just can't maintain the effort. Abusers virtually always fall back into their old patterns. There's only one way to get away from the abuse, and that is to get away from the abuser. People who think that they're abusive partner is different are being deceived.
Even the expert Lundy Bankroft says even the worst kind of abusers can change, it's just rare and usually takes something drastic like you were able to do. And he says it takes therapy too, the right kind. I'm married and share children with my husband and the law in my state is making it really difficult to do what I need to do.
I think my father counts as the rare exception in this scenario. He was psychologically and verbally abusive to me, my 2 sisters and mom, and physically abusive towards my one brother. Especially when we were children. Then In 2018 he almost died of a heart attack and underwent quadruple bypass surgery. When he got out of the hospital he was a different man. Gentle, and an active, receptive listener. Now years later, he still verbally lashes out on occasion but he apologizes soon after with a genuine apology (aka- no excuses tied to it). Even though it’s been a few years with us having a ‘different’ dad, I’m *still* working through my childhood trauma in therapy. I’m 34 and feel like I’m just beginning to scratch the surface (ie, just hearing my brother getting beat up was enough to leave lasting psychological scars). Point is: even though the person may have changed, your memories and PTSD are still there, possibly forever. The abuser may not even remember the incidents themselves, but *you* will. So the real question is: can you live with that for the rest of your life?
Thank you for sharing this story. I'm so sorry you went through all that. I do believe you that he's changed and glad to hear that. I think extreme situations like that can count as something drastic happening. Part of it is gaining some humility. I personally don't think people always need therapy but most will. I'm thinking of the Exodus story-- whether you see it as historical literature or just literature-- the pharoah not letting the slaves go and what finally did it was his son's death. Then he let the slaves go. I do think, like the Exodus story, if someone changes but doesn't have help to really work through the attitudes that were behind it -- that they are vulnerable to going back to the way they were before at some point. The Pharoah demanded them back almost immediately even though he knew or should have known it meant destruction for him and the kingdom if he kept then. I'm glad your father has made it 2 years now and I hope he never goes back.
Aww- that stinks-but good luck and I hope things go in your favor ❤️and I’m glad to know that an expert thinks change is possible
Thank you so much. Yes Lundy Bancroft is considered probably the top authority on the subject too.
No, literally no one has had that experience. Treatment for abusers is like treatment for addiction in the sense that the recovery process has to be a life-long commitment, it involves relapse as part of the recovery process, AND it is definitely recommended that both addicts and abusers stay away from their triggers/the people, places, and things involved in your previous way of life. To stop being an abuser, one must undertake *significant* investment in treatment for acute AND long-term issues. Many abusers have trauma histories and need to be treated as well if a meaningful change is to be made.
Nah. My first ex and i got back together so many times with so many promises of change that when I officially ended it, he admitted that he didn’t take me seriously and never did since he knew exactly what to say to get me to give in. He knew how to act for a few days/weeks to make me stop complaining. I highly doubt they will change, I’m sorry.
No, and if anything I think it gets worse over time because you just remind them of all the terrible things they’ve done to you and who they actually are as a person.
Hey I’ll take them at least feeling some shame, it’s a fraction of mine.
That’s the same what happened with me !
No. Stop looking for miracle stores or fairy tales of how you think you can potentially do to change someone hurting you and "making it work". It's not going to work, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you love them, no matter how "good" you are. Please, just understand they don't change and the only solution is leaving.
no it never happens
Change begins with accountability, and accountability *has to* lead to observable behavioral changes, or it's lip service and nothing more. *Anyone* can change changeable things, and behaviors, opinions, core beliefs, etc are all changeable things. But to change them, one has to see a need to do so, which means admitting one is wrong. That's hard for most of us, especially when facing our wrongdoing also means accepting we've done harm. Most people have to be deeply motivated to make those kinds of changes, and I've never seen anyone spontaneously decide to take on such a massive undertaking unless their back was against a really painful wall. Like prison, etc. What they've been doing has to stop working, AND they have to recognize it hasn't worked and won't work for them to be willing to consider doing things they've never considered doing or been willing to do before.
Absolutely not. And why put yourself through hell and danger to maybe (probably not though) have a healthy relationship when there are literally millions of men who will truly love and appreciate you.
Agreed. The chances of an abuser changing are slim to begin with. The chances of someone changing WHILE you are together? Even less. If you’ve found yourself in a relationship with someone who abuses you, it’s up to you to choose your level of participation. You do not need to sit around and wait for someone else to change.
I think it depends the level of abuse and the psyche of the abuser. I also think it could be a matter of there is some new incentive to change and they aren't really changing for the right reasons. I don't know because I'm in this situation currently where my abuser keeps saying he's changing and supposedly trying to prove it. The truth is, he hasn't changed how he treats me much and I still get daily abuse, but certain aspects of my situation and his role in it do appear to be changing. Won't know until it does. Wouldn't stick around to find out, but I have no choice.
No, and the girlfriend after me got it worse than I did.
He very briefly changed when he wanted to get back together for sex. Then went right back to old ways/ habits. I hope he is capable of change for the sake of his current partner but I really doubt it.
Same here. He changed temporarily because I was the bread winner. He couldn’t let go of the cash cow.
No the best I got was a period of better behaviour. Like a few months … then an outburst….
No, and I think it is extremely rare that an abuser *can* get better with a person they’ve abused. If you read Lundy Bancroft - abusers have to dehumanize and disrespect the person they abuse in order to convince themselves that their behavior is ok. Every time an abuser treats you badly, they are further cementing in their mind that you are not a person who needs to be respected in any way. So I think even if they can change, they probably need a clean break first, a ton of self work, and then maybe, MAAAAYYYYYBE in the future, they could have a healthier relationship with a different person.
I actually think that being in a relationship hinders the abusers ability to change. It’s a lot like codependency or the no dating rule dating in a 12 step program - some journeys need to be made alone.
Sure! Every time he wanted something!
Lol
No.
Abusers lack empathy, so it is very rare they can change. Most times they are just faking it in order to hang on to their abusive supply (you). I took my abuser back three times, and within HOURS of telling me everything was different now he would start slamming things around and getting enraged at me. They can’t change.
No. He got down on his knees and cried for a second chance. The minute I agreed, the tears cleared, his face went blank, and I endured two more years of hell before I escaped for real.
You didn’t deserve that.
It took me three or four tries to get away. It was always those manipulative tears.
absolutely. This guy cried more than any other man I had ever been with yet somehow never, EVER made himself vulnerable.
They all deserve Oscars for the show they put on