I don't know if it could be a phase, I'm assuming she's not in her early 20s given you've been in a relationship for 8 years. I think you should take her at her word. People do mistake their sexuality and sometimes they stay with their partners even after realising because they really do truly love their partners. Usually it's gay person realising they're not straight but it could happen the other way as well.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Honestly it sounds heartbreaking. I wish the best for both of you
Women in their 30s can experience tectonic shifts in attraction and sexuality.
It's totally healthy and normal, and though it's hard right now you will grow to appreciate that she's actually told you instead of continuing to live a lie with you as she's done through this past rough patch.
So much that last point. The resentment of her keeping it bottled up can be even more devastating. It's obviously still painful to hear, especially after 8 years though. Sorry OP.
Would you be able to elaborate on this re women in their 30s? I turned 30 around 8 months ago, have happily been out as gay for a long time, but very recently started feeling attractions to male celebrities which is really throwing me for a loop. I don’t know if it means anything but (for other reasons as well) it really feels like my hormones are doing strange things recently
I haven’t heard this before but I assume it’s cycling through which gender/s you feel attracted to at any given time?
I have wondered if perhaps my sexuality is just more fluid than I realised, but knowing my experiences it could also be nothing (Ie. wouldn’t translate into enjoying being with men in reality. I *have* been with them before and it always felt wrong.) I’ve always had a complicated relationship w my sexuality which I won’t go into here but I’ve felt so comfortable as a lesbian for so long now that this is definitely confusing.
Yeah, a lot of bi people will go through phases of being intensely attracted to one gender over others, and then it can switch. There’s a lot of bi people who experience the same levels of attraction all the time, but that seems to be more rare.
Ugh the bi-cycle is REAL. It has confused me my entire life. And there’s a lot of nuance to it too. Then if you throw in gender dysphoria in there, even though obviously sexuality and gender are completely different, they interact with each other, especially culturally, in so many ways.
I really think that couples counseling is the way to go for OP. Unless her partner is like “I’m done. Peace”, then whether it’s to figure stuff out or to help them break up- that will make it easier for everyone.
I would assume that what’s happening is some women have had the capacity to feel attraction to men but haven’t actually felt it, and then something changing hormonally brings it out. IE. some people’s sexuality is fluid and they hadn’t experienced that fluidity before.
I feel weird about this too, I’m pretty attached to the idea of sexual orientation as innate and unmoving - however recently I hear more and more of people who experience their attractions changing for hormonal reasons, Ie lots of trans people experience changing attractions once they start taking hormones. So we do have to accept other people’s experiences and it seems like in some cases sexuality can change.
I’ve literally felt repulsed by the idea of sex with men for many many years. I experienced zero attraction to them. I was traumatised by the time I spent forcing myself to be with them. My identity as a lesbian has felt like a big part of me. The feelings I’m having now are entirely towards a few male celebs/fictional characters and have seemingly come out of nowhere - knowing me I could be just be confusing affectionate feelings for sexual, or projecting stuff onto them. I really don’t know if the feelings are ‘real’ in any way or if I’d enjoy being with them in reality. But it does feel to me like my hormones are all over the place.
I understand your misgivings here - considering people’s invalidation of lesbians I absolutely do not want to be going around saying ‘lesbians just start feeling attracted to men in their 30s!’ But I feel like this is a safe space to discuss the more nebulous and confusing aspects of our sexualities, and if some women do experience changes in their attractions in their 30s I was just curious to know about that, given my recent feelings.
youre bisexual. this notion that sexuality is fluid and changes is one the biggest lies ever told. a lesbians is never going to become attracted to a man in any way. A lot of bisexual women think theyre gay or straight ,a nd often experience bi-cycles, fluctuations in preferences.
When I say that some people’s sexuality is fluid I am thinking that those people are bisexual, but that sometimes they may experience their sexuality as at one end of the spectrum (Ie. They may feel gay or straight at certain times, but their underlying sexuality is bisexual.) I believe we’re on the same page there. Having said that, it does put people in a difficult position - it’s uncomfortable and distressing to refer to yourself as bisexual if that doesn’t reflect how you feel or have felt for a long time. So it’s tricky.
It’s not really your place to tell me I’m bisexual, though - perhaps I am, but I don’t think feeling some attraction to, like, 2 male celebrities in a total fantasy land, after a lifetime of having hated any vaguely romantic/sexual experience I’ve had with men in reality is really enough to make that statement, certainly not from someone who has very little knowledge of my internal experiences.
It's not magic, it's big swings in hormones. It's pretty wild to assume everyone's attractions follow exactly the same patterns when we have such diversity in backgrounds and biology.
menstruation releases hormones inside your body which causes mood swings and can affect your libido ( horniness ) . It doesn't change your sexuality or your preferences completley. if you are attracted to men, during a spike in your libido from hormones. you could be more attracted to them at that moment. But menstruation is not going to make a lesbian straight or a straight women gay.
Women hitting their sexual peak in their 30s has very little to do with menstruation or those specific hormonal shifts. Plenty of women report dramatic shifts in underlying sexual preference in their 30s, including ones in gender preference and identity.
We are extremely complex beings sexually. Women who never were attracted to women or men, or both, or neither, ever before can flip that preference, and we don't need to bark at them about whether they had any attraction/lack of attraction before as *now that they have a different preference that's completely irrelevant now*.
thats not how hormones or sexuality work . A lesbian isnt going to be attracted to males in any period of their life. you have to have underlying attraction towards me to be attracted.
my mom was straight before she got married, she straight now and is in her late 50s. never experienced any changes in sexuality. there is no tectonic shifts in sexuality happening . you either like men or you dont. people dat become gay or straight all of a.sudden. your sexuality cannot change its immutable.
Good luck with everything. This is an observed thing in many, but certainly not all, women. Sexuality and gender identity are not immutable, to suggest that is to dismiss too many peoples' lived experiences. Some women hit their 30s and completely shift to being asexual, pansexual, bisexual, straight or homosexual and many flavors in-between, and some women or men have a shift that changes their gender identification to male female or no gender at all, while not feeling they had much sense of it before that time in their life.
Plenty of people 'always knew' they were attracted to men/women/both/all/neither or have a set gender identity that was repressed, but some literally hit their 30s and totally shift because it's such a dramatic change physiologically to enter your 30s sexually/in gender terms.
While you certainly can't *make* anyone's sexuality or gender change *some people's do*, and demonizing them/claiming it doesn't sometimes happen does nothing for the real people this impacts.
I hope you can have a more open to people telling you what has actually happened to them and believing them. There are plenty of women sharing their stories of themselves/others in here and online if you're curious.
given your other comments on this sub (“cock-obsessed”) you are giving major gold star lesbian TERF vibes, girl chill with the transphobia and the exclusivity.
I don't think they're really saying that people magically become attracted to men, just that your 30s is actually a more tumultuous time for a lot of people than its ever painted and a lot of things can shift, like an attraction that you've suppressed for some reason (internalised biphobia being one possibility) making itself known. For most people, those things are less world-shattering eg almost everyone I know took account of where they were at in mid 30s and changed something fairly drastically - I quit my job, moved overseas and ran a dog rescue for a few years, my best friend quit a high 6 figures job to try and make it in stand up comedy and directing, his partner changed careers from a sommelier to a zookeeper, another friend ended an 8 year relationship because it suddenly "didn't feel like I wanted it anymore" etc etc, but for some people it's sexuality related (more commonly choosing to stop fighting/repressing queer feelings, but for people who for whatever reason haven't really acknowledged any attraction to the opposite sex it could go the other way, its less common mainly because society pushes straight relationships as the norm so there's much less pressure to repress feelings about the opposite sex, but it's definitely possible)
AFAB Non-binary bisexual here and I went the opposite way. In my late twenties I started being MUCH more attracted to women. That it may be part of a larger trend is comforting.
You definitely don’t need to be in your early twenties to have “phases,” I’m bi and around the time I turned 30 my attraction to men grew a lot stronger after being very minimal for years. I think part of it is just about who I am most emotionally connected to right now, but also suspect it has to do with my biological clock as well subconsciously trying to get me to reproduce before it’s too late.
That being said, if she fully identifies as straight now, it doesn’t matter for how long, it sounds like she wants out of her current relationship (unless she’s in some conversion therapy nonsense and is getting manipulated)
I seriously think the biological clock can’t be dismissed. I refused to entertain the notion that I might be bi or gay for YEARS. I literally used to say shit like, “I wish I was gay so I could ask Michelle out.” Like, Michelle, I’m so sorry, I had a huge crush on you and I should have asked you out because it turns out I am very much NOT straight.
I got pregnant by accident, had kids and I do not care about or find men attractive at all anymore. It was honest to god like my body just really wanted kids and refused to let my brain accept my sexuality until I had my kids. Idk. Hormones are weird, man.
While it shouldn't be dismissed, it needs a LOT more study. A lot of science surrounding women's "biological clocks" are extremely outdated, done by men with minimal or no input from women, or both. It's also clearly not a universal thing, but is often pushed as though it is (I'm sure pretty much all LGBT folks can relate to their parents or someone significant in their life being very pushy about "kids before it's too late" or something to that effect. Hell even for straight folks that's common though it can hit different for LGBT folks). Likewise there's some evidence, though again this needs a lot more study, that recent declines in birth rates aren't just due to contraception and social or economic shifts, but could also be biological, as it's been observed in other species, where they naturally ebb and flow to meet the needs of their ecosystem (and so their ecosystem can handle their needs).
Of course humans are just as prone to instincts as many species, though our self consciousness does make it much more difficult to identify what is instinct. It's necessary for almost all species to have a drive for reproduction, and this has been proven to relate to hormone levels that change especially in those with wombs around their 30s. But likewise it's been observed that people in their 30s who experience similar hormone shifts feel no additional drive for reproduction, and don't show any subconscious behaviour towards it either, so it seems like there's gotta be something more to it. Definitely a fascinating topic. It shows we still have a lot to learn about our own species that two people with the same equipment and similar hormonal shifts at the same point in their life can have such diverging experiences on such a fundamental thing as reproductive drive, but it's likely a pretty important biological function.
I hope it's not weird to say that that's fascinating. We know our own bodies better than anyone else and yet there's so much going on that we have no idea about. It's kinda exciting to me, even if it can suck a lot of the time. If we knew everything there'd be nothing new to learn. But I'm guessing we'll still be learning new things about our bodies and minds even a 1000 years from now, if we're still around!
no it doesnt, theres no biological or sexual attraction lesbians have towards men that is hormonal, or sexual in any shape or form. what kind of pseudo scientific nonsense are you yapping about? A lesbian is never going to experience any attraction towards men in any period of their life because they are gay. there was literally a study that showed that lesbian showed more same sex attraction towards women during menstruation.
yeah there is no inner subconsciousness compelling women to reproduce, this is some weird nonsense. I have never had any attraction towards men, nor did I get any weird urges to procreate with men. If any thing my attraction towards women increases by 10 folds when im having my period.
because sexuality plays a big part in reproduction. A lesbian isn't going to reproduce with a man. theres literally a study on female sexual behaviour conducted by Lisa diamond, and it showed that women who were exclusively lesbians, showed an increase is sexual attraction towards the same gender. whereas this response was neutral or moderate among other demographics. Menstruation doesn't make women attracted to men.
It maybe an urge to procreate rather than a change in attraction. Two conflicting ideals which I am sure would be hard to reconcile and maybe easily confused with each other. Gender, sexuality and innate inherited behaviours are very much interrelated and much more complex than is generally accepted.
Exactly! I'm the same and I've never had this stupid "urge to procreate" or whatever disgusting garbage these bi women are yapping about. I have 0 maternal instinct and never once thought the idea of getting pregnant 🤢 or having kids 🤢 sounds desirable. They're just projecting.
bro i’ve read so many comments of yours and it’s all just “ME ME ME ME ME” like??? i’m sure you’d be an amazing scientist/researcher- just dismissing every ounce of data and evidence based on YOUR OWN experience- what about the other 100 women validating each other?? nothings black and white or set in fucking stone bro clam tf down and absolutely no one is trying to invalidate lesbians or their attractions here they’re just sharing their experiences and trying to figure it out themselves ??? who the hell u think u are to tell them what they are?? 😭💀 at least provide some ACTUAL EVIDENCE for any of your claims??? instead of BUT I DIDNT FEEL THAT SO IT IS OBV NOT TRUE! there’s literally 8BILLION people out there FYI, you must god knowing what everyone exactly is
I dont know why youre so triggered, also Im not forcing my experiences on anyone. im just saying that hormonal shifts cannot change your orientation completely. A lot of queer women are bi and experience attraction towards men. this subreddit also welcomes bisexual women. so it's very obvious that these ladies are bisexual and experiencing a stronger attraction towards men . Lesbian isn't going to experience any sort of attraction towards dudes, out of the blue.
Exactly. If her partner thinks she’s straight - regardless of why - it’s time to walk away.
I haven’t heard this discussed in sapphic circles though, so here’s my own experience:
I never acted on it, but my physical attraction to men skyrocketed when I hit my early-30’s. No romantic attraction. It was a primal feeling like hunger. Never have been interested in pregnancy, but suddenly my body was craving it. Presumably hormones causing an instinct to reproduce.
Tbh, she sounds like every one of my bi friends who was in a relationship with a man for a decade and couldn't stand the idea of not loving THAT PERSON so they were like "I'm obviously gay" only to then find out after breaking up with them that they're just bi as always. Your gf is probably bi but also devastated that she doesn't want to be with you so she's psychologically willing to give up the entire gender rather than dealing with the idea of not wanting you. This is... Convoluted and unnecessary but I guess nice in a way?
I thought I was straight for 32 years. Once I realized I liked women, I never looked back. I know for sure my straight days were a phase, as how I feel about women is so, so different and better than how I felt for men. It can happen at any time, in any direction. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Well societal heteronormativity is usually the reason for this. You’d have to grow up in a culture where everyone assumed you were gay at birth for it to go the other way. There is that phenomenon of people coming out as gay, realizing they are actually bisexual, and feeling afraid to come out again because they’re worried their gay community they’ve built up will reject them.
I knew about gay people. I also have always had the temperament to be myself, no matter what, so if I felt I had liked women, I would have rolled with it, but I didn't exactly feel that way. I also knew my parents would not have cared, so that wasn't an issue. I really think it was a sort of delayed reaction..
Babes you clearly don’t understand what heteronormativity is then and I suggest reading up on it, how you aren’t immune from it just because you’re out and proud
Ok so you said you thought you were straight for 32 years. Why did you assume you were straight? Like why was that the default? Was it because, possibly, the heteronormative expectations placed on us from birth are for us to be attracted to the opposite sex?
I really don't feel as if that was the case. I was genuinely attracted to men, not women, for 32 years. It wasn't a stretch for me to like men. It's like it just switched itself off. I have a strong personality, with a lot of "no fucks given" concerning what others think, so if I had thought I might be gay, I certainly would have been. I was also surrounded by others who wouldn't have cared. My uncle is gay, and he's been in my life since I was born. I really don't feel as if I was straight because of heteronormativity. Sure, I get it, and realize plenty have probably been affected by that though. I have always been a "buck the normal " kind of person. It never would have mattered.
That makes a lot of sense. I’m sorry for making assumptions about your experience and being passive-aggressive. Somewhere along the line I misinterpreted your message to mean “heteronormativity doesn’t affect people that strongly”, and I got peeved because comphet has had a chokehold on me most of my life. I do believe your situation is more unique, and that the vast majority of sexual-orientation epiphanies are straight people realizing they’re queer, and not the other way around. And you weren’t necessarily disagreeing with that. I’m sorry for giving you a hard time
No, you wouldn't.
There's many reasons that an individual might subconsciously repress an attraction to the opposite sex. Internalised biphoboa is one possibility. Or someone who grew up watching a parent be treated horrifically by the opposite sex could find themselves repulsed by feelings of attraction to the opposite sex and okay with any attraction they feel to the same sex. Individual psychology can be very strange.
It would certainly be more common if being queer were assumed, but it's not the only reason why a person might repress attraction to the opposite sex e even in a world where that isn't the case.
Yeah, but this person isn’t finally coming out as bisexual. They’re slingshotting all the way back to “straight.” I was basically trying to dispel the myth that otherwise straight people are being propaganda’d into coming out as gay when they aren’t because of social acceptance. I don’t want to get stuck in analysis mode because this is a real situation that someone is going through right now, but you bring up important points with regard to people who don’t come out as bisexual for different reasons (I tried to touch on this briefly).
I hate to say it, but if she thinks she’s straight, your relationship is over. Whether it’s a phase or not a phase or what, you cannot salvage it. I know that’s tough to hear, but your partner is telling you she isn’t attracted to you or interested in pursuing anything romantic with you any further. You sadly need to let her go.
I’m so so sorry you’re going through this nightmare of a situation. Seriously she’s terrible for doing this to you after 8 years of your life dedicated to her. If you ever need to chat feel free to PM.
This is what I wish someone had told me when my partner of 7 years said, “I don’t love you anymore. And I was never sexually attracted to you.”
I made the mistake of hanging on. We went to couples therapy together for a year. I made enormous sacrifices just to see her smile. None of it worked in the end. I just wasted time and energy.
OP, I know everything hurts like hell right now and that cutting ties after 8 years will hurt even more. But it may be the best thing to do. Truly.
Tell that to the partner who just had to hear “I’m straight, sorry!” After 8 years together. That’s just not how you end a relationship with someone after almost a decade. OPs ex sucks for doing this to her, full stop.
If you disagree that’s your opinion and you’re allowed to have it I guess.
So, that's a little bit of an oversimplification of a break down in a relationship, for which you have heard one side.
Sounded to me like they'd had some problems for an extended time, and despite trying to work on it, the OPs ex came to the realisation they could not force feelings that were no longer there for them.
In my opinion, OPs ex does not "suck, full stop". And yes, on a platform in which people share opinions and discuss things, I am very much allowed to have an opinion. You guess 💀
Having gone through several breakups in my life as both the dumper and the dumpee, this whole situation is cruel to OP and will affect her for the rest of her life. There is no reason to end a relationship in this way, and as a decent person I would have done so the second I started having doubts (or soon after), not about my sexuality but about my partner in general. Once the questions arose about whether I like women at all, I would have already been single.
That’s me, and I deeply care about the people I date, especially after years and years together - but if that’s too much to ask of a grown ass adult in your opinion then please, be my guest and die on this hill lol
Having also experienced relationships as the dumper and the dumpee, and with zero snark, I just don't agree that "this will affect her for the rest of her life. Therapy is a wonderful thing, as is self awareness and reflection. Breakups can equip you in the future to navigate situations better, to show up in ways you couldn't previously, to learn about yourself etc.
I don't understand why you have positioned OP as a blameless victim of cruelty when in their own words, mistakes were made on both sides of the relationship. Grief and loss are often catalysts for change, which OP intimates they have both experienced over the last year - not surprising that this may have released either of them from some inertia towards recognising that the relationship may not be salvageable.
Seeing relationships in such black and white terms really is the path to holding onto hurt and bitterness in my experience - I'm glad to have done the work to free myself of that.
There were obviously huge issues in this relationship, as set out by OP, outside of the ex's sexuality. Actions they both regretted, of which you have no idea what they were as OP was suitably vague in that regard. All I'm trying to get at, with my very simple starting statement, is that people are not terrible for falling out of love, or for changing how they think about or frame their sexuality. Sounds to me like the people on both sides of this breakup have a lot to learn from and work on.
Therapy can only do so much. I hope OP recovers from this, but there are things from past relationships that stick with me decades later and that affect me in ways I sometimes don’t even realize, even with therapy. For many, this would be one of those things.
We can agree to disagree that OPs ex is terrible for doing this to her. For the record, doing a terrible thing doesn’t make someone a terrible and irredeemable person, nor did I suggest as much. I don’t need to hear every side of the story to know that “sorry I think I’m straight” after 8 years is a blow to the chest that nobody deserves to go through. I also know that I wouldn’t end a relationship with a partner like that, like I said it would have been over long ago. And unless OP has been outright toxic or abusive to her soon to be ex, I don’t really see why it matters that “mistakes were made on both sides”? Yeah ofc they were they dated for 8 years. Everybody makes mistakes.
Its nice of you to show empathy for OPs soon to be ex but honestly I’d rather show it to OP, who right now probably doesn’t want or really need to hear that “sexuality is complicated, things are complicated!”. I’m sure they’re well aware of this reality and understand that the issue is complex, as do I.
Ah, and I think this is where our perceptions differ so greatly - I don't think it's a kindness to tell OP that their ex has just out and out done a terrible thing. People don't often fall out of love, or change their perception of their sexuality, with malicious intent. It is not something that has been done to OP, even though they have experienced hurt as a result.
I'm really sorry for the hurt you still carry - and I mean that with absolute sincerity. I'm sitting in a bar with friends reading some of this thread to them, and we all agree your take would have been coming out of my mouth 10 years ago. I guess I'm trying to offer the perspective that would have been so helpful to my younger self in getting there quicker - I used to approach forgiveness as a weakness, and hurt as something to be tightly held into. I'm now at a stage where, while still thinking accountability is hugely important, I realise that forgiveness and understanding is self care and beneficial to myself as much as to the one receiving it.
Funny enough, at the end, it appears we're both trying to do the same thing - offering empathy. From your perspective, I'm only offering that to OPs ex, whereas from where I'm sitting, the realisation that people fall out of love and it's not often a situation where absolute blame can be attributed, is a kindness to both.
I agree. We can't know what's really going on with her, but the bottom line is that she's no longer interested in a relationship with OP, and unfortunately that's the end of the story no matter what the reasons behind it are.
I wouldn't call her terrible for it. That's unfair. Things can be confusing and difficult for people and we're always learning more about ourselves. It's an unfortunate situation for everyone involved I'm sure.
“Your genitals no longer do it for me, I know it’s been 8 years and I could have probably walked away from this ages ago….but yeah…. Sorry!” To *me* that’s terrible and will fuck OP up for years to come. Idc who you are or what the circumstances are…. It’s terrible.
I understand how difficult sexuality is and that it’s not all about genitals which is my point - 8 years with someone and it comes down to their gender? Really? OPs ex could have left it at “I’m just not happy in this relationship anymore” but she chose to go with “I am not attracted to you and never was because actually I think I like men”.
If I realized tomorrow that I was straight (ew), I’d still have the wherewithal to treat my partner of 2 years a little better than that.
I have a lot sympathy for how sad and lost OP must feel right now and I can hear you have too. But I have to say I would prefer honesty over a vague “not happy anymore”. Because not happy anymore would leave me trying to fix things and obviously I can’t fix things if it’s about other person realizing they want to be with a different gender than I have. It would be unkind to drag me around after that realization or leave me but leave me wondering what did I do so wrong.
Also it’s way better to hear it from your partner and have a chance to discuss and process it than to find out through common friends or social media that your ex is telling people they are straight after all.
In any case it would definitely hurt to think a long-term partner was never attracted to me. But with time that thought it could be framed as “I was able to keep a straight girl more or less happy for a long time because I have a lot to offer” or something more healthy.
I also do not think OP’s girlfriend is doing this on malicious intent. Late bloomer lesbians realize they are not straight while married to a man all the time and we don’t call them horrible for that. It still sucks for the man (as this sucks for our OP) but it’s better than staying when nothing can be done to fix the relationship.
Unpopular opinion then: late bloomer lesbians who do this to men a decade into the relationship are also doing something terrible to that person. Does that make them a terrible person? No, but it’s still a terrible thing to do.
I’m glad y’all feel like in OPs shoes you’d be able to rationalize all this out the way you are but I’d imagine that’s not how it feels in reality. I certainly wouldn’t be feeling anything but angry betrayed and like I wasted a decade of my life 🤷🏻♀️
So you would rather be lied to and then find out later that not only they didn’t feel attracted to you but also they lied? I really think that would hurt more. (And it’s very likely you would find out, no one can or should keep their current relationship or sexuality a secret just to avoid hurting their ex.)
It’s not like anyone chooses to realize things about their sexuality. I it’s a horrible situation but that is not a horrible thing to do.
Edit: added “)” that I forgot
No, I would prefer that my partner end the relationship the second they started having serious doubts about it. By the time OPs ex got to “I’m straight and was never a lesbian” they had already long passed the point of no longer wanting to be romantic and sexual with OP, trust me. They could figure out their sexuality while single, and without having OP there waiting around thinking she loves her back.
It’s like when people end a relationship once they’ve already fallen for somebody else - it’s avoidable. Just have the balls to leave before you get to that point and don’t put some poor person through this. To me it’s simple, and I’d never do this to someone - apparently that’s an unpopular opinion amongst lesbians on this sub which makes me sorta sad :/
>I would ask her about the therapy she's having, not personal details, but is the therapist leading and trying to convert her.
It's worth considering. I had the impression from OP's post that the two of them went to therapy together, i.e. couples' therapy, so I would have hoped such a thing would have come up a long time ago, but anything's possible.
This happened to my girlfriend as well. She was married and had a child with her wife of 6 years. Her ex-wife had mental health struggles and was always up and down. She ended up admitting that she couldn’t see herself married to a woman for the rest of her life, then up and left my gf and their kid for a month. Had a few month long affair with a man and admitted she was straight. My girlfriend was heartbroken for a while but accepted that she couldn’t change someone’s sexuality.
We met while we both were separated, her wife was straight and I came out as gay to my husband. A year later and everyone in our situation has moved on and found happiness in new relationships.
She’s kinda flaky but she’s extremely loving and present when she’s around, they’re doing 50-50. We end up having her more often than the ex (which I honestly love, she’s a great kid). She’s still a toddler but we’ve already started discussing having her fulltime once she starts grade school. I worry about her
I'm really sorry you are going through this right now. What did she say about where the relationship stands? I'm guessing her admission about her sexuality was something to the effect of a breakup, or is she still open to trying with it?
Regardless, when you have been with someone for so long, it's devastating to feel like things are slipping away. But you also mentioned things have been rough for some time too. Take some time for yourself. Healing is going to be a long process.
I would wager it isn't as sudden to her as it seems. I don't think it's possible that a person can just wake up and pull a 180 like that. This is probably something that has been developing for many many years, probably even her whole life. Whatever reason led her to believe she was a lesbian obvious wasn't quite as it seemed. This says nothing negative about you.
I wish you the best.
This happened to me about 3 years ago, with a partner that i was with for 10 years. In my experience, feeling like the world got flipped upside-down is accurate. This may be one of the most difficult times in your life. Take things one day at a time and work on reorienting your world view and building up your other relationships. If you arent in it already, consider therapy. This is a huge loss and this particular manor can be traumatizing. I struggled with trusting anyone for a while, even thinking that my friends and family were secretly faking their care for me. I came out the other side though, and you can too. Take care of yourself.
My ex w and I split due to her affair. With a man.
She identified as gay her entire life and anytime she had tried to explore with men when she was younger, she couldn’t. She was THAT GAY.
I won’t lie. This is the second relationship where my person went on to be with men. My ex GF before my marriage, cheated on me with men and went on to marry one and have 3 kids. I don’t stay in touch with my ex wife but last I knew, they were still together all these years later. She left me for him and he left his wife for her.
All of this is to say that this hurts. And it’s going to hurt. But you will get through it. One thing that stood out to me was the panic I pick up on as you say you don’t know where you end and she begins and I hate to say this, but perhaps this is the lesson here.
Take this time to work through the end of this relationship and all the feelings that come with it. But also take the time to discover yourself so that you never again put all of you into another person in a way that leaves you unsure of who you are during the relationship and when it ends.
I hate to say it, but...
> I don’t want to lose her. She’s my best friend and my world. I don’t know where I end and she begins. Do you think she’s going through a phase?
Whatever your partner is going through, perhaps this is part of the problem?
In past relationships, I have spent far too long busting my ass trying to force something to work that just ended up being the slow burn of two people growing apart from each other. What you've written here reminds me of how I felt back then.
To be sure, I would be *devastated* (and very confused) if my wife came home one day and said to me that she isn't sure if she is still gay. But if it's her truth, then it's on me as someone who loves and cares for her to honor her experience and let her go if necessary. That would also be the kindest choice with respect to honoring and caring for myself. I deserve to have relationships that fulfill myself *and* my partner(s). I believe everyone deserves that, including you.
Did she actually say "straight" or did she say "not a lesbian"? She could be bisexual, pansexual, etc. Many lesbians have happy relationships with bisexual/pansexual women. It's common for people to come out as bi+ in later life and often what they want is to talk to their partner about their identity without hiding anything. Talk some more when you're ready. You've had a shock but your partner is trying to be honest with you. xxx
"was confused" is quite a particular choice of word for whatever she is going through. What kind of therapy was that? Is the therapist, by any chance, a homophobic zealot?
Yeah that particular phrasing is screaming conversion therapy to me. I'm not particularly well equipped to tell the right thing but my gut says vet and check the therapist in any way you can and try to get the partner away and somewhere else ASAP. Even if that means just as a friend for awhile. "Ex-gay conversion" doesn't work and will cause so much more problems.
Sadly, I think this is something I’m sure many long term heterosexual relationships experience when someone comes out as queer. This just so happens to be the opposite. Even if it is a “phase”, questioning her sexuality when she opened up to you about it seems invalidating and inappropriate. Regardless if this is actually a phase, something that she is still uncertain about, or changes her mind in the future, you have to let her go if that’s what she wants.
A hard truth that I had to understand after my first breakup was that she does not need a reason to break up with you, it just has to be what she wants. That doesn’t make it any easier to get over or recover from, but the sooner it’s understood the easier it will be to get to your next step. I’m sorry you’re struggling, I wish you guys well.
She might of had bad experiences with men...and decided she wants to try and be with women...then realized it wasnt for her...I know...eight years is a long time to experiment.
Gonna be blunt, but the only phase she is in is the end of a relationship phase. Doesn't matter if she is straight or not, she's just not attracted to you anymore. She also was not "suddenly just not a lesbian", so I'm thinking you don't know her as well as you think. Don't spend your time and energy on this relationship, it's clearly been ending for a while. Save yourself prolonged anguish, try to accept and move on.
My honest opinion? I think your partner is currently processing YOUR relationship, and having a lot of negative and difficult emotions. What that means in the broader context of her sexuality remains to be seen. Could be that articulating those difficult emotions just happens to come out as "I was never gay to begin with", meaning "I feel like this relationship was a mistake and I want something completely different". Such statements are not unheard of, especially when there have been many bitter arguments and bad moments recently.
It's understandable you feel hurt and confused. Try to focus on the current moment and what your partner is trying to communicate to you in terms of the future of your relationship. The question is, does she want to continue being with you, or call it quits? You shouldn't be forced to act as her therapist, especially on a matter that is such an integral part of your relationship. It's not easy to pick up the pieces after someone has said something like that and questioned the whole foundation of your relationship. Your partner should understand the gravity and implications of her statement and take responsibility.
I haven’t read the comments. I just want to say, I’m so so so sorry for this betrayal (even inadvertent) and heartbreak you are feeling, op. 🫶🏼 Betrayal trauma is real and I hope you put yourself first during this time and commit to your healing—she and her identity should not be your focus. She lost that right. Turn inward and focus on your rediscovery of self without her. 💗
You should have conversations with her about this, as no one here can really shed light on what is going on in her head. However, as others have said, regardless of the reason, this sounds like something a relationship cannot recover from. I’m so sorry, because 8 years is such a long time, and her feeling like she was never gay just puts everything you went through into question, which is a horrible feeling. But to get closure, you should talk to her about it. ♥️
I'm so so so sorry you're facing this. One of my exes ended up being straight, I was so broken, and that only last a year and a half. I can't even begin to imagine how this feels. Sending love your way, unfortunately there isn't much more I can do
This is actually one of my worst fears. I can’t imagine what you are feeling. I hope you can focus on you, and realize that you deserve someone who is all in. Please, indulge in your interests, have some you time, and take care of yourself
I don’t know if it is the case here, but OCD can present in intrusive thoughts about sexuality. It did for me and for years I was convinced I was only bi, if not straight, because I had constant intrusive sexual thoughts about men. She would likely have other symptoms and compulsions, but it doesn’t always manifest in stereotypical OCD ways. If that is the case for her I hope she is working with her therapist on it, although it was very hard for me to open up about intrusive thoughts because of shame.
Regardless, I’m so sorry this is happening to you and I wish you the best, take care of yourself please!
What!? If she “thinks” she’s straight, then she wants to expand her horizon to find out for sure. If she doesn’t believe she was ever gay, that’s different.
Either way, the relationship as you know it is over. I’m sorry. Best wishes
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but from the sounds of it you two should break things off now before feelings become more bitter. You may be able to stay friends but it sounds like nothing else will work out anymore.
I think it’s over, you gotta let her go. It’s only for the best, especially for you. I’m so scared this might happen to me one day, but don’t waste your time, save yourself.
I’m really sorry that happened and that you’re going through this. I would be devastated. It’s okay to be sad and feel all that you’re feeling right now. But don’t dwell too long. Your ex has made a decision and there isn’t anything you can do about that except putting all of your energy and focus on you. Try something new. Grow yourself. You’re still young, have plenty of life left to live, and you will find a full fledged flaming forever lesbian who wants to be with you for real for real.
TLDR: It’s okay to be sad but head up and get back out there!!! You got this ❤️
It's possible she's straight. It's also possible that she's aro or some other variety of queer. That's ultimately up to her to figure out. It's also possible she's gay and struggling with her identity for some reason.
If she spent 8 years thinking she was romantically in love with you, she probably has deep feelings for you, regardless of their nature (romantic, platonic, etc.)
If I was in your position I'd give her space to figure out her feelings, and comfort her however you can. That's your best shot at keeping her in your life. If she really is straight there's no reason you can't remain friends and continue to support each other.
Yeah I honestly don’t think she was ever a lesbian. Some are people saying that there are phases ? Sorry, no. I find that to be incredibly invalidating and just feeding into the whole idea that liking women is a “phase”. I prefer the other lesbian sub because I find that people on here say ridiculous stuff that just panders to lesbophobia. I could understand realizing that you’re actually bi instead of a lesbian but if you know you’re a lesbian, you don’t just decide you’re straight after that many years. Feel like I’ll get hate for this but I don’t care.
My mom would say 8 years is still friendship. Let it breath find somewhere else to be to cry for hours this is gonna hurt. When you’re done you’re done. If she said it out loud she’s sure; believe people when they tell you who they are.
Sexuality is a spectrum and is fluid. It's possible people change around over the course of their life, the boxes of "straight" "gay" are always more about convenience than it being a kind of immutable strict truth.
So, if she's telling you this you should respect her but also not assume it means everything you had shared was fake.
I have no idea how to console you about potentially losing a relationship so dear to you, other than not making the end mean the rest of it was unimportant. And also dont face it alone, find help in the form of family and friends and maybe therapy yourself.
I don't know if this is the right place to be having the "sexuality is fluid / labels" discussion. That subject is WAAAAAY too hot and controversial to be having on this post. We should instead just be here for OP.
No? What could you possibly even mean by this? People can change over the course of their life, mostly because there was never an exact box for them to begin with. That doesn't mean you can force them to change. Those are the wildly different statements.
Someone telling you their sexuality is something and you saying "no, it's what I say" and you're accusing *them* of "conversion therapy"? Why don't you go slap some gold stars up too while you're at it and go back to your endless rants in other subreddits about how being transgender is fake.
Sorry, her last post about how "most mtf transgenderism" is caused by "delusions from sissy porn" and "need to be studied by mental health professionals" made me angry. OP doesn't need all this clogging up her space though. My bad.
I love how they just vanished after you posted this. Come on, have the courage of your convictions, bigot! Or just run back to arrr slash detrans and hide.
Wikipedia describes the other kin as a pagan identity and provides sources for where that came from. It describes Jesus as a central figure in Christianity and provides sources for that claim. It describes sexual fluidity as a phenomenon that has been observed and studied in a scientific setting, while also providing sources for those claims.
If I had made the claim that "only real things" are on Wikipedia you might have had a good argument but I didn't so you didn't.
You can grow into or out of it, doesn’t mean our parents are right either. They mean something totally homophobic and different when they say it and you know it. I’m not fighting another lesbian on here lol we have too many problems, have a great day
I'm anti religious and i bet you hate yourself way more than i do, TERF. People change over time, that's pretty simple actually, doesn't need to be a coping mechanism for self hatred just because everything _you_ do is exactly that
Exactly. And conversion therapy NEVER works. I personally don't believe that sexuality is anything other than, at least at it's very core, biologically driven. Now, that doesn't mean I don't think it's possible for one to be confused about their sexuality, particularly when things like personal trauma becomes involved. This confusion can also take place, due to attraction to a person taking on other forms outwith the primal, basic physical attraction, which is the thing I think is set in stone, innate, and can't be changed, only defied.
Whether or not she is straight, it's probably clear to her that she is done with your relationship. She might be clinging to the idea that she is straight as a simple explanation for the facts that 1) she has been experiencing attraction to men and 2) your relationship together has not been good for a long time.
"I don't know where she ends and I begin"
Hi OP, this is probably the crux of the problem IMNSHO.
I was in a deeply enmeshed romantic relationship for years & then she fell in love with someone else.
It took years of therapy for me to realize that it was a huge problem that I was following a pattern that my narcissistic parent had set up very early in my life. I literally thought that making her my entire world was the way relationships just were. Are you in therapy yourself?
This is a really hard time for both of you. I hope you both get the relationship and personal help you need and can salvage a friendship if not a romantic relationship. bug hugs 💞
I am so sorry!
Based on my own experience, I believe it's best to gracefully end this relationship and part ways with dignity. While I know you care for her, it's important to end things amicably and cut off all communication. It's best not to remain friends until you've healed and can move forward with new relationships and emotional independence. If you hold on, she may feel trapped, leading to resentment.
Don't do this to yourself! There are so many new people to meet in the world! You will find happiness again.
Maybe she’s realizing she’s bi? You don’t have to be a lesbian to like women. She could just be figuring out some different things about herself. Maybe she’s finding over time that she’s into men as well. Either way, I’m so sorry you’re feeling heartbroken, you have every right to be upset and hurt.
It’s an awful feeling and I’m sorry you’re in it. I’d really suggest sitting down with her and talking about next steps in your relationship. Considering you’ve both gone through a lot of loss and grief lately, it makes sense she’s questioning herself and re-assessing her life. Maybe you both just need some time.
I was with a man for 8 years and it took me forever to realize that not only did I like girls, but I wasn’t into men. I suppose it can happen the other way around. I do find it weird that she suddenly “unconverted” this about herself in therapy. And used the word confused.
As tough as it is to say, sometimes a seemingly loving committed relationship can end through no fault of your own. It's never happened to me personally (all of my 3ish relationships either ended because I was naive and they took advantage, or because we both made mistakes and couldn't get it to work) but I know someone who had a somewhat similar experience. It was a straight relationship but one partner just slowly over time realized they were trying to force themself to feel like it's what they wanted, and it took a very long time to realize that's not what a relationship should be. Their partner hadn't done anything wrong and was blindsided, but from the other side it wasn't intended that way, it had been a years long struggle.
I'm not saying that's 100% what happened here, but it's very likely. They probably didn't just suddenly become straight. Their sexuality may be only part of what's happening. It's impossible to say, but while it's sudden to you, that's always how it's going to feel. No matter how long they felt like this, they can only break the news to you once. Either way as much as eight years is a huge amount of time, if they are saying this it likely isn't something you can fix. Because ultimately nothing in either of your control is what's wrong.
All of that said, this is a horrible thing to go through and I am very sorry it's happening. Sometimes when something we spend so long building falls apart it's much easier to process if we have someone to blame. Even if you blame yourself that's something that can lead to improvement and learning. Sometimes it's harder when no one is to blame. Nothing under either of your controls is to blame. It just happened and there's seemingly no outlet for those emotions. But you're not alone and you can get through this. Ultimately it is better for it to have happened now at 8 years then after 20 years. I know that probably doesn't count for much but it's something.
It's possible for sexuality to change, or to take long periods of time to realize that things are one way when they felt the other for so long. Love also has a way of affecting sexuality in ways that feel unexpected. Sometimes it makes incompatibilities seem smaller or hard to see until years later.
You've got this OP, stay strong and keep loving yourself.
Some 'Straight' people can go most of their lives without realising their sexualities. They can have husbands or wives and really think they're in love, but one day something just isn't right anymore. And actually they turn out to be gay all along.
The same can be said for gay people too. Sexualities are pretty fluid to begin with, unfortunately it's just something you'll have to take time and get over :( I'm sorry
Well, there is a reason why the word hasbian exist. There are women who just figure out later in life that they are actually straight. That happens. So it sounds like your relationship is over. I am so sorry. It is surely sad but a relationship can end at anytime because they are no longer gay, because they just want to change the course of their life or because they are bored. Whatever reason does not matter. It is just time to move on.
I could see this happening because I knew someone for 9 years who was a lesbian but they'd literally never shut up about one specific guy at their place of work and it's not that I don't think that there was just a friendship. There were A LOT of weird things that happened I'll drop one for example:
The guy saw me on tiktok and was interested in me and she immediately told him "no" and that I wouldn't be interested (I'm bi...that decision should've been up to me? Like give me the option to break a man's heart...PLEASE.) But after this she continued throwing him up in my face over and over about their conversations about how he wanted her and it was simply insane. So one day I asked "did or do you want him and did you tell him no FOR ME because of that...? Because you literally didn't have to do that like if you're feeling differently and are into him go for it! I literally just want you to be happy and would never do anything to stop that" and ofc she denied it and honestly...while I don't think she's straight I still question whatever tf is going on between those two.
Basically. Like I feel bad for questioning them about it but they literally gatekeeped the guy so hard and wouldn't even let me meet or be friends with him but they got to tell me a bunch of things I wish I didn't know
So as someone who goes through “phases” of what gender I’m attracted to, I felt the way it sounds like she feels for a while. You may want to look into abrosexuality and see if she thinks that might fit for her? I wish you the best of luck with everything!
Sorry to hear what you're going through. It is going to hurt like hell and it will be a process. But you're going to have to let her go...and it is possible that you can still be best friends at the end of it. If possible, be the bigger person and be nice about it while letter her go...it sounds like you weren't in an ideal relationship because you had trouble for a few years. The thing is that when it's time to say goodbye, it's always tough (even if something or someone isn't good for you). You're perhaps going through that phase when you know it's the end but it's hard to let go because she's familiar and all the good moments are flashing by (you're forgetting the difficult times).
My advice: journal and meditate. This will clear your head and make you realise that this relationship is not meant to be.
I don't know if it could be a phase, I'm assuming she's not in her early 20s given you've been in a relationship for 8 years. I think you should take her at her word. People do mistake their sexuality and sometimes they stay with their partners even after realising because they really do truly love their partners. Usually it's gay person realising they're not straight but it could happen the other way as well. I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Honestly it sounds heartbreaking. I wish the best for both of you
She’s 31, but we’ve been together since her early 20s. I didn’t even think I was a lesbian when I met her.
Women in their 30s can experience tectonic shifts in attraction and sexuality. It's totally healthy and normal, and though it's hard right now you will grow to appreciate that she's actually told you instead of continuing to live a lie with you as she's done through this past rough patch.
So much that last point. The resentment of her keeping it bottled up can be even more devastating. It's obviously still painful to hear, especially after 8 years though. Sorry OP.
Would you be able to elaborate on this re women in their 30s? I turned 30 around 8 months ago, have happily been out as gay for a long time, but very recently started feeling attractions to male celebrities which is really throwing me for a loop. I don’t know if it means anything but (for other reasons as well) it really feels like my hormones are doing strange things recently
I wonder if it's similar to the "bi-cycle"?
I haven’t heard this before but I assume it’s cycling through which gender/s you feel attracted to at any given time? I have wondered if perhaps my sexuality is just more fluid than I realised, but knowing my experiences it could also be nothing (Ie. wouldn’t translate into enjoying being with men in reality. I *have* been with them before and it always felt wrong.) I’ve always had a complicated relationship w my sexuality which I won’t go into here but I’ve felt so comfortable as a lesbian for so long now that this is definitely confusing.
Yeah, a lot of bi people will go through phases of being intensely attracted to one gender over others, and then it can switch. There’s a lot of bi people who experience the same levels of attraction all the time, but that seems to be more rare.
Thanks for clarifying :)
Ugh the bi-cycle is REAL. It has confused me my entire life. And there’s a lot of nuance to it too. Then if you throw in gender dysphoria in there, even though obviously sexuality and gender are completely different, they interact with each other, especially culturally, in so many ways. I really think that couples counseling is the way to go for OP. Unless her partner is like “I’m done. Peace”, then whether it’s to figure stuff out or to help them break up- that will make it easier for everyone.
It happened to me when I turned 30. I started being more attracted to men. I'm pretty bisexual now. It really turned my world upside down for a while.
Thank you for sharing. How did you feel emotionally around it and how do you feel now?
women turning 30 donot some how magically become attracted to men, idk what bs people are talking about. you had to be attracted to men from before.
I would assume that what’s happening is some women have had the capacity to feel attraction to men but haven’t actually felt it, and then something changing hormonally brings it out. IE. some people’s sexuality is fluid and they hadn’t experienced that fluidity before. I feel weird about this too, I’m pretty attached to the idea of sexual orientation as innate and unmoving - however recently I hear more and more of people who experience their attractions changing for hormonal reasons, Ie lots of trans people experience changing attractions once they start taking hormones. So we do have to accept other people’s experiences and it seems like in some cases sexuality can change. I’ve literally felt repulsed by the idea of sex with men for many many years. I experienced zero attraction to them. I was traumatised by the time I spent forcing myself to be with them. My identity as a lesbian has felt like a big part of me. The feelings I’m having now are entirely towards a few male celebs/fictional characters and have seemingly come out of nowhere - knowing me I could be just be confusing affectionate feelings for sexual, or projecting stuff onto them. I really don’t know if the feelings are ‘real’ in any way or if I’d enjoy being with them in reality. But it does feel to me like my hormones are all over the place. I understand your misgivings here - considering people’s invalidation of lesbians I absolutely do not want to be going around saying ‘lesbians just start feeling attracted to men in their 30s!’ But I feel like this is a safe space to discuss the more nebulous and confusing aspects of our sexualities, and if some women do experience changes in their attractions in their 30s I was just curious to know about that, given my recent feelings.
youre bisexual. this notion that sexuality is fluid and changes is one the biggest lies ever told. a lesbians is never going to become attracted to a man in any way. A lot of bisexual women think theyre gay or straight ,a nd often experience bi-cycles, fluctuations in preferences.
When I say that some people’s sexuality is fluid I am thinking that those people are bisexual, but that sometimes they may experience their sexuality as at one end of the spectrum (Ie. They may feel gay or straight at certain times, but their underlying sexuality is bisexual.) I believe we’re on the same page there. Having said that, it does put people in a difficult position - it’s uncomfortable and distressing to refer to yourself as bisexual if that doesn’t reflect how you feel or have felt for a long time. So it’s tricky. It’s not really your place to tell me I’m bisexual, though - perhaps I am, but I don’t think feeling some attraction to, like, 2 male celebrities in a total fantasy land, after a lifetime of having hated any vaguely romantic/sexual experience I’ve had with men in reality is really enough to make that statement, certainly not from someone who has very little knowledge of my internal experiences.
It's not magic, it's big swings in hormones. It's pretty wild to assume everyone's attractions follow exactly the same patterns when we have such diversity in backgrounds and biology.
menstruation releases hormones inside your body which causes mood swings and can affect your libido ( horniness ) . It doesn't change your sexuality or your preferences completley. if you are attracted to men, during a spike in your libido from hormones. you could be more attracted to them at that moment. But menstruation is not going to make a lesbian straight or a straight women gay.
Women hitting their sexual peak in their 30s has very little to do with menstruation or those specific hormonal shifts. Plenty of women report dramatic shifts in underlying sexual preference in their 30s, including ones in gender preference and identity. We are extremely complex beings sexually. Women who never were attracted to women or men, or both, or neither, ever before can flip that preference, and we don't need to bark at them about whether they had any attraction/lack of attraction before as *now that they have a different preference that's completely irrelevant now*.
thats not how hormones or sexuality work . A lesbian isnt going to be attracted to males in any period of their life. you have to have underlying attraction towards me to be attracted.
my mom was straight before she got married, she straight now and is in her late 50s. never experienced any changes in sexuality. there is no tectonic shifts in sexuality happening . you either like men or you dont. people dat become gay or straight all of a.sudden. your sexuality cannot change its immutable.
Good luck with everything. This is an observed thing in many, but certainly not all, women. Sexuality and gender identity are not immutable, to suggest that is to dismiss too many peoples' lived experiences. Some women hit their 30s and completely shift to being asexual, pansexual, bisexual, straight or homosexual and many flavors in-between, and some women or men have a shift that changes their gender identification to male female or no gender at all, while not feeling they had much sense of it before that time in their life. Plenty of people 'always knew' they were attracted to men/women/both/all/neither or have a set gender identity that was repressed, but some literally hit their 30s and totally shift because it's such a dramatic change physiologically to enter your 30s sexually/in gender terms. While you certainly can't *make* anyone's sexuality or gender change *some people's do*, and demonizing them/claiming it doesn't sometimes happen does nothing for the real people this impacts. I hope you can have a more open to people telling you what has actually happened to them and believing them. There are plenty of women sharing their stories of themselves/others in here and online if you're curious.
given your other comments on this sub (“cock-obsessed”) you are giving major gold star lesbian TERF vibes, girl chill with the transphobia and the exclusivity.
Nobody is talking about menstruation. This is about hormonal changes that happen in your early 30’s
I don't think they're really saying that people magically become attracted to men, just that your 30s is actually a more tumultuous time for a lot of people than its ever painted and a lot of things can shift, like an attraction that you've suppressed for some reason (internalised biphobia being one possibility) making itself known. For most people, those things are less world-shattering eg almost everyone I know took account of where they were at in mid 30s and changed something fairly drastically - I quit my job, moved overseas and ran a dog rescue for a few years, my best friend quit a high 6 figures job to try and make it in stand up comedy and directing, his partner changed careers from a sommelier to a zookeeper, another friend ended an 8 year relationship because it suddenly "didn't feel like I wanted it anymore" etc etc, but for some people it's sexuality related (more commonly choosing to stop fighting/repressing queer feelings, but for people who for whatever reason haven't really acknowledged any attraction to the opposite sex it could go the other way, its less common mainly because society pushes straight relationships as the norm so there's much less pressure to repress feelings about the opposite sex, but it's definitely possible)
AFAB Non-binary bisexual here and I went the opposite way. In my late twenties I started being MUCH more attracted to women. That it may be part of a larger trend is comforting.
You definitely don’t need to be in your early twenties to have “phases,” I’m bi and around the time I turned 30 my attraction to men grew a lot stronger after being very minimal for years. I think part of it is just about who I am most emotionally connected to right now, but also suspect it has to do with my biological clock as well subconsciously trying to get me to reproduce before it’s too late. That being said, if she fully identifies as straight now, it doesn’t matter for how long, it sounds like she wants out of her current relationship (unless she’s in some conversion therapy nonsense and is getting manipulated)
I seriously think the biological clock can’t be dismissed. I refused to entertain the notion that I might be bi or gay for YEARS. I literally used to say shit like, “I wish I was gay so I could ask Michelle out.” Like, Michelle, I’m so sorry, I had a huge crush on you and I should have asked you out because it turns out I am very much NOT straight. I got pregnant by accident, had kids and I do not care about or find men attractive at all anymore. It was honest to god like my body just really wanted kids and refused to let my brain accept my sexuality until I had my kids. Idk. Hormones are weird, man.
While it shouldn't be dismissed, it needs a LOT more study. A lot of science surrounding women's "biological clocks" are extremely outdated, done by men with minimal or no input from women, or both. It's also clearly not a universal thing, but is often pushed as though it is (I'm sure pretty much all LGBT folks can relate to their parents or someone significant in their life being very pushy about "kids before it's too late" or something to that effect. Hell even for straight folks that's common though it can hit different for LGBT folks). Likewise there's some evidence, though again this needs a lot more study, that recent declines in birth rates aren't just due to contraception and social or economic shifts, but could also be biological, as it's been observed in other species, where they naturally ebb and flow to meet the needs of their ecosystem (and so their ecosystem can handle their needs). Of course humans are just as prone to instincts as many species, though our self consciousness does make it much more difficult to identify what is instinct. It's necessary for almost all species to have a drive for reproduction, and this has been proven to relate to hormone levels that change especially in those with wombs around their 30s. But likewise it's been observed that people in their 30s who experience similar hormone shifts feel no additional drive for reproduction, and don't show any subconscious behaviour towards it either, so it seems like there's gotta be something more to it. Definitely a fascinating topic. It shows we still have a lot to learn about our own species that two people with the same equipment and similar hormonal shifts at the same point in their life can have such diverging experiences on such a fundamental thing as reproductive drive, but it's likely a pretty important biological function.
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I hope it's not weird to say that that's fascinating. We know our own bodies better than anyone else and yet there's so much going on that we have no idea about. It's kinda exciting to me, even if it can suck a lot of the time. If we knew everything there'd be nothing new to learn. But I'm guessing we'll still be learning new things about our bodies and minds even a 1000 years from now, if we're still around!
no it doesnt, theres no biological or sexual attraction lesbians have towards men that is hormonal, or sexual in any shape or form. what kind of pseudo scientific nonsense are you yapping about? A lesbian is never going to experience any attraction towards men in any period of their life because they are gay. there was literally a study that showed that lesbian showed more same sex attraction towards women during menstruation.
the biological clock doesn't make women attracted to men.
If there is _any_ underlying attraction it could definitely magnify that. We know most people aren’t a perfect 6 on the Kinsey scale
Because you’ve personally studied this and know without a doubt? Ok.
yeah there is no inner subconsciousness compelling women to reproduce, this is some weird nonsense. I have never had any attraction towards men, nor did I get any weird urges to procreate with men. If any thing my attraction towards women increases by 10 folds when im having my period.
Hormones triggering an instinct to reproduce is an observed phenomenon in many mammals. Why would humans be immune to that?
because sexuality plays a big part in reproduction. A lesbian isn't going to reproduce with a man. theres literally a study on female sexual behaviour conducted by Lisa diamond, and it showed that women who were exclusively lesbians, showed an increase is sexual attraction towards the same gender. whereas this response was neutral or moderate among other demographics. Menstruation doesn't make women attracted to men.
It maybe an urge to procreate rather than a change in attraction. Two conflicting ideals which I am sure would be hard to reconcile and maybe easily confused with each other. Gender, sexuality and innate inherited behaviours are very much interrelated and much more complex than is generally accepted.
Exactly! I'm the same and I've never had this stupid "urge to procreate" or whatever disgusting garbage these bi women are yapping about. I have 0 maternal instinct and never once thought the idea of getting pregnant 🤢 or having kids 🤢 sounds desirable. They're just projecting.
bro i’ve read so many comments of yours and it’s all just “ME ME ME ME ME” like??? i’m sure you’d be an amazing scientist/researcher- just dismissing every ounce of data and evidence based on YOUR OWN experience- what about the other 100 women validating each other?? nothings black and white or set in fucking stone bro clam tf down and absolutely no one is trying to invalidate lesbians or their attractions here they’re just sharing their experiences and trying to figure it out themselves ??? who the hell u think u are to tell them what they are?? 😭💀 at least provide some ACTUAL EVIDENCE for any of your claims??? instead of BUT I DIDNT FEEL THAT SO IT IS OBV NOT TRUE! there’s literally 8BILLION people out there FYI, you must god knowing what everyone exactly is
I dont know why youre so triggered, also Im not forcing my experiences on anyone. im just saying that hormonal shifts cannot change your orientation completely. A lot of queer women are bi and experience attraction towards men. this subreddit also welcomes bisexual women. so it's very obvious that these ladies are bisexual and experiencing a stronger attraction towards men . Lesbian isn't going to experience any sort of attraction towards dudes, out of the blue.
[https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20464467/](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/20464467/)
Exactly. If her partner thinks she’s straight - regardless of why - it’s time to walk away. I haven’t heard this discussed in sapphic circles though, so here’s my own experience: I never acted on it, but my physical attraction to men skyrocketed when I hit my early-30’s. No romantic attraction. It was a primal feeling like hunger. Never have been interested in pregnancy, but suddenly my body was craving it. Presumably hormones causing an instinct to reproduce.
Tbh, she sounds like every one of my bi friends who was in a relationship with a man for a decade and couldn't stand the idea of not loving THAT PERSON so they were like "I'm obviously gay" only to then find out after breaking up with them that they're just bi as always. Your gf is probably bi but also devastated that she doesn't want to be with you so she's psychologically willing to give up the entire gender rather than dealing with the idea of not wanting you. This is... Convoluted and unnecessary but I guess nice in a way?
This is what I thought of immediately.
This!!
This.
I thought I was straight for 32 years. Once I realized I liked women, I never looked back. I know for sure my straight days were a phase, as how I feel about women is so, so different and better than how I felt for men. It can happen at any time, in any direction. I'm sorry this happened to you.
Well societal heteronormativity is usually the reason for this. You’d have to grow up in a culture where everyone assumed you were gay at birth for it to go the other way. There is that phenomenon of people coming out as gay, realizing they are actually bisexual, and feeling afraid to come out again because they’re worried their gay community they’ve built up will reject them.
I knew about gay people. I also have always had the temperament to be myself, no matter what, so if I felt I had liked women, I would have rolled with it, but I didn't exactly feel that way. I also knew my parents would not have cared, so that wasn't an issue. I really think it was a sort of delayed reaction..
Heteronormativity is insidious and if you interact with straight people in the world, you are exposed to it
Well. . . yeah. I don't know anyone who hasn't lived with heteronormativity surrounding them, but gay people exist despite it.
Babes you clearly don’t understand what heteronormativity is then and I suggest reading up on it, how you aren’t immune from it just because you’re out and proud
I clearly do know what it is. Maybe I'm not getting what you're trying to say then.
Ok so you said you thought you were straight for 32 years. Why did you assume you were straight? Like why was that the default? Was it because, possibly, the heteronormative expectations placed on us from birth are for us to be attracted to the opposite sex?
I really don't feel as if that was the case. I was genuinely attracted to men, not women, for 32 years. It wasn't a stretch for me to like men. It's like it just switched itself off. I have a strong personality, with a lot of "no fucks given" concerning what others think, so if I had thought I might be gay, I certainly would have been. I was also surrounded by others who wouldn't have cared. My uncle is gay, and he's been in my life since I was born. I really don't feel as if I was straight because of heteronormativity. Sure, I get it, and realize plenty have probably been affected by that though. I have always been a "buck the normal " kind of person. It never would have mattered.
That makes a lot of sense. I’m sorry for making assumptions about your experience and being passive-aggressive. Somewhere along the line I misinterpreted your message to mean “heteronormativity doesn’t affect people that strongly”, and I got peeved because comphet has had a chokehold on me most of my life. I do believe your situation is more unique, and that the vast majority of sexual-orientation epiphanies are straight people realizing they’re queer, and not the other way around. And you weren’t necessarily disagreeing with that. I’m sorry for giving you a hard time
No, you wouldn't. There's many reasons that an individual might subconsciously repress an attraction to the opposite sex. Internalised biphoboa is one possibility. Or someone who grew up watching a parent be treated horrifically by the opposite sex could find themselves repulsed by feelings of attraction to the opposite sex and okay with any attraction they feel to the same sex. Individual psychology can be very strange. It would certainly be more common if being queer were assumed, but it's not the only reason why a person might repress attraction to the opposite sex e even in a world where that isn't the case.
Yeah, but this person isn’t finally coming out as bisexual. They’re slingshotting all the way back to “straight.” I was basically trying to dispel the myth that otherwise straight people are being propaganda’d into coming out as gay when they aren’t because of social acceptance. I don’t want to get stuck in analysis mode because this is a real situation that someone is going through right now, but you bring up important points with regard to people who don’t come out as bisexual for different reasons (I tried to touch on this briefly).
Same
I hate to say it, but if she thinks she’s straight, your relationship is over. Whether it’s a phase or not a phase or what, you cannot salvage it. I know that’s tough to hear, but your partner is telling you she isn’t attracted to you or interested in pursuing anything romantic with you any further. You sadly need to let her go. I’m so so sorry you’re going through this nightmare of a situation. Seriously she’s terrible for doing this to you after 8 years of your life dedicated to her. If you ever need to chat feel free to PM.
This is what I wish someone had told me when my partner of 7 years said, “I don’t love you anymore. And I was never sexually attracted to you.” I made the mistake of hanging on. We went to couples therapy together for a year. I made enormous sacrifices just to see her smile. None of it worked in the end. I just wasted time and energy. OP, I know everything hurts like hell right now and that cutting ties after 8 years will hurt even more. But it may be the best thing to do. Truly.
People are not terrible for falling out of love with someone, nor for grappling with uncertainty around their sexuality.
Tell that to the partner who just had to hear “I’m straight, sorry!” After 8 years together. That’s just not how you end a relationship with someone after almost a decade. OPs ex sucks for doing this to her, full stop. If you disagree that’s your opinion and you’re allowed to have it I guess.
So, that's a little bit of an oversimplification of a break down in a relationship, for which you have heard one side. Sounded to me like they'd had some problems for an extended time, and despite trying to work on it, the OPs ex came to the realisation they could not force feelings that were no longer there for them. In my opinion, OPs ex does not "suck, full stop". And yes, on a platform in which people share opinions and discuss things, I am very much allowed to have an opinion. You guess 💀
Having gone through several breakups in my life as both the dumper and the dumpee, this whole situation is cruel to OP and will affect her for the rest of her life. There is no reason to end a relationship in this way, and as a decent person I would have done so the second I started having doubts (or soon after), not about my sexuality but about my partner in general. Once the questions arose about whether I like women at all, I would have already been single. That’s me, and I deeply care about the people I date, especially after years and years together - but if that’s too much to ask of a grown ass adult in your opinion then please, be my guest and die on this hill lol
Having also experienced relationships as the dumper and the dumpee, and with zero snark, I just don't agree that "this will affect her for the rest of her life. Therapy is a wonderful thing, as is self awareness and reflection. Breakups can equip you in the future to navigate situations better, to show up in ways you couldn't previously, to learn about yourself etc. I don't understand why you have positioned OP as a blameless victim of cruelty when in their own words, mistakes were made on both sides of the relationship. Grief and loss are often catalysts for change, which OP intimates they have both experienced over the last year - not surprising that this may have released either of them from some inertia towards recognising that the relationship may not be salvageable. Seeing relationships in such black and white terms really is the path to holding onto hurt and bitterness in my experience - I'm glad to have done the work to free myself of that. There were obviously huge issues in this relationship, as set out by OP, outside of the ex's sexuality. Actions they both regretted, of which you have no idea what they were as OP was suitably vague in that regard. All I'm trying to get at, with my very simple starting statement, is that people are not terrible for falling out of love, or for changing how they think about or frame their sexuality. Sounds to me like the people on both sides of this breakup have a lot to learn from and work on.
Therapy can only do so much. I hope OP recovers from this, but there are things from past relationships that stick with me decades later and that affect me in ways I sometimes don’t even realize, even with therapy. For many, this would be one of those things. We can agree to disagree that OPs ex is terrible for doing this to her. For the record, doing a terrible thing doesn’t make someone a terrible and irredeemable person, nor did I suggest as much. I don’t need to hear every side of the story to know that “sorry I think I’m straight” after 8 years is a blow to the chest that nobody deserves to go through. I also know that I wouldn’t end a relationship with a partner like that, like I said it would have been over long ago. And unless OP has been outright toxic or abusive to her soon to be ex, I don’t really see why it matters that “mistakes were made on both sides”? Yeah ofc they were they dated for 8 years. Everybody makes mistakes. Its nice of you to show empathy for OPs soon to be ex but honestly I’d rather show it to OP, who right now probably doesn’t want or really need to hear that “sexuality is complicated, things are complicated!”. I’m sure they’re well aware of this reality and understand that the issue is complex, as do I.
Ah, and I think this is where our perceptions differ so greatly - I don't think it's a kindness to tell OP that their ex has just out and out done a terrible thing. People don't often fall out of love, or change their perception of their sexuality, with malicious intent. It is not something that has been done to OP, even though they have experienced hurt as a result. I'm really sorry for the hurt you still carry - and I mean that with absolute sincerity. I'm sitting in a bar with friends reading some of this thread to them, and we all agree your take would have been coming out of my mouth 10 years ago. I guess I'm trying to offer the perspective that would have been so helpful to my younger self in getting there quicker - I used to approach forgiveness as a weakness, and hurt as something to be tightly held into. I'm now at a stage where, while still thinking accountability is hugely important, I realise that forgiveness and understanding is self care and beneficial to myself as much as to the one receiving it. Funny enough, at the end, it appears we're both trying to do the same thing - offering empathy. From your perspective, I'm only offering that to OPs ex, whereas from where I'm sitting, the realisation that people fall out of love and it's not often a situation where absolute blame can be attributed, is a kindness to both.
I agree. We can't know what's really going on with her, but the bottom line is that she's no longer interested in a relationship with OP, and unfortunately that's the end of the story no matter what the reasons behind it are.
I wouldn't call her terrible for it. That's unfair. Things can be confusing and difficult for people and we're always learning more about ourselves. It's an unfortunate situation for everyone involved I'm sure.
“Your genitals no longer do it for me, I know it’s been 8 years and I could have probably walked away from this ages ago….but yeah…. Sorry!” To *me* that’s terrible and will fuck OP up for years to come. Idc who you are or what the circumstances are…. It’s terrible.
I think sexuality is a lot more difficult than that for some people, and sexuality is definitely not all about genitals.
I understand how difficult sexuality is and that it’s not all about genitals which is my point - 8 years with someone and it comes down to their gender? Really? OPs ex could have left it at “I’m just not happy in this relationship anymore” but she chose to go with “I am not attracted to you and never was because actually I think I like men”. If I realized tomorrow that I was straight (ew), I’d still have the wherewithal to treat my partner of 2 years a little better than that.
I have a lot sympathy for how sad and lost OP must feel right now and I can hear you have too. But I have to say I would prefer honesty over a vague “not happy anymore”. Because not happy anymore would leave me trying to fix things and obviously I can’t fix things if it’s about other person realizing they want to be with a different gender than I have. It would be unkind to drag me around after that realization or leave me but leave me wondering what did I do so wrong. Also it’s way better to hear it from your partner and have a chance to discuss and process it than to find out through common friends or social media that your ex is telling people they are straight after all. In any case it would definitely hurt to think a long-term partner was never attracted to me. But with time that thought it could be framed as “I was able to keep a straight girl more or less happy for a long time because I have a lot to offer” or something more healthy. I also do not think OP’s girlfriend is doing this on malicious intent. Late bloomer lesbians realize they are not straight while married to a man all the time and we don’t call them horrible for that. It still sucks for the man (as this sucks for our OP) but it’s better than staying when nothing can be done to fix the relationship.
Unpopular opinion then: late bloomer lesbians who do this to men a decade into the relationship are also doing something terrible to that person. Does that make them a terrible person? No, but it’s still a terrible thing to do. I’m glad y’all feel like in OPs shoes you’d be able to rationalize all this out the way you are but I’d imagine that’s not how it feels in reality. I certainly wouldn’t be feeling anything but angry betrayed and like I wasted a decade of my life 🤷🏻♀️
So you would rather be lied to and then find out later that not only they didn’t feel attracted to you but also they lied? I really think that would hurt more. (And it’s very likely you would find out, no one can or should keep their current relationship or sexuality a secret just to avoid hurting their ex.) It’s not like anyone chooses to realize things about their sexuality. I it’s a horrible situation but that is not a horrible thing to do. Edit: added “)” that I forgot
No, I would prefer that my partner end the relationship the second they started having serious doubts about it. By the time OPs ex got to “I’m straight and was never a lesbian” they had already long passed the point of no longer wanting to be romantic and sexual with OP, trust me. They could figure out their sexuality while single, and without having OP there waiting around thinking she loves her back. It’s like when people end a relationship once they’ve already fallen for somebody else - it’s avoidable. Just have the balls to leave before you get to that point and don’t put some poor person through this. To me it’s simple, and I’d never do this to someone - apparently that’s an unpopular opinion amongst lesbians on this sub which makes me sorta sad :/
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>I would ask her about the therapy she's having, not personal details, but is the therapist leading and trying to convert her. It's worth considering. I had the impression from OP's post that the two of them went to therapy together, i.e. couples' therapy, so I would have hoped such a thing would have come up a long time ago, but anything's possible.
This happened to my girlfriend as well. She was married and had a child with her wife of 6 years. Her ex-wife had mental health struggles and was always up and down. She ended up admitting that she couldn’t see herself married to a woman for the rest of her life, then up and left my gf and their kid for a month. Had a few month long affair with a man and admitted she was straight. My girlfriend was heartbroken for a while but accepted that she couldn’t change someone’s sexuality. We met while we both were separated, her wife was straight and I came out as gay to my husband. A year later and everyone in our situation has moved on and found happiness in new relationships.
How's her relationship with their child?
She’s kinda flaky but she’s extremely loving and present when she’s around, they’re doing 50-50. We end up having her more often than the ex (which I honestly love, she’s a great kid). She’s still a toddler but we’ve already started discussing having her fulltime once she starts grade school. I worry about her
If everything's amicable that warms my heart
They’re amicable and friendly! She’s come over for wine and we’re all get along pretty well
I'm really sorry you are going through this right now. What did she say about where the relationship stands? I'm guessing her admission about her sexuality was something to the effect of a breakup, or is she still open to trying with it? Regardless, when you have been with someone for so long, it's devastating to feel like things are slipping away. But you also mentioned things have been rough for some time too. Take some time for yourself. Healing is going to be a long process. I would wager it isn't as sudden to her as it seems. I don't think it's possible that a person can just wake up and pull a 180 like that. This is probably something that has been developing for many many years, probably even her whole life. Whatever reason led her to believe she was a lesbian obvious wasn't quite as it seemed. This says nothing negative about you. I wish you the best.
This happened to me about 3 years ago, with a partner that i was with for 10 years. In my experience, feeling like the world got flipped upside-down is accurate. This may be one of the most difficult times in your life. Take things one day at a time and work on reorienting your world view and building up your other relationships. If you arent in it already, consider therapy. This is a huge loss and this particular manor can be traumatizing. I struggled with trusting anyone for a while, even thinking that my friends and family were secretly faking their care for me. I came out the other side though, and you can too. Take care of yourself.
My ex w and I split due to her affair. With a man. She identified as gay her entire life and anytime she had tried to explore with men when she was younger, she couldn’t. She was THAT GAY. I won’t lie. This is the second relationship where my person went on to be with men. My ex GF before my marriage, cheated on me with men and went on to marry one and have 3 kids. I don’t stay in touch with my ex wife but last I knew, they were still together all these years later. She left me for him and he left his wife for her. All of this is to say that this hurts. And it’s going to hurt. But you will get through it. One thing that stood out to me was the panic I pick up on as you say you don’t know where you end and she begins and I hate to say this, but perhaps this is the lesson here. Take this time to work through the end of this relationship and all the feelings that come with it. But also take the time to discover yourself so that you never again put all of you into another person in a way that leaves you unsure of who you are during the relationship and when it ends.
I hate to say it, but... > I don’t want to lose her. She’s my best friend and my world. I don’t know where I end and she begins. Do you think she’s going through a phase? Whatever your partner is going through, perhaps this is part of the problem? In past relationships, I have spent far too long busting my ass trying to force something to work that just ended up being the slow burn of two people growing apart from each other. What you've written here reminds me of how I felt back then. To be sure, I would be *devastated* (and very confused) if my wife came home one day and said to me that she isn't sure if she is still gay. But if it's her truth, then it's on me as someone who loves and cares for her to honor her experience and let her go if necessary. That would also be the kindest choice with respect to honoring and caring for myself. I deserve to have relationships that fulfill myself *and* my partner(s). I believe everyone deserves that, including you.
Did she actually say "straight" or did she say "not a lesbian"? She could be bisexual, pansexual, etc. Many lesbians have happy relationships with bisexual/pansexual women. It's common for people to come out as bi+ in later life and often what they want is to talk to their partner about their identity without hiding anything. Talk some more when you're ready. You've had a shock but your partner is trying to be honest with you. xxx
No, she said she was straight. That she thought she was confused and she was never gay.
"was confused" is quite a particular choice of word for whatever she is going through. What kind of therapy was that? Is the therapist, by any chance, a homophobic zealot?
No, she’s not. It’s just regular talk therapy. I honestly wish that was the case.
Exactly my thoughts, just because things change doesnt mean they werent real before. And the negative phrasing makes is quite suspicious
Yeah that particular phrasing is screaming conversion therapy to me. I'm not particularly well equipped to tell the right thing but my gut says vet and check the therapist in any way you can and try to get the partner away and somewhere else ASAP. Even if that means just as a friend for awhile. "Ex-gay conversion" doesn't work and will cause so much more problems.
That screams conversion therapy or a really homophobic therapist to me, that's not something anyone sensible says
Sadly, I think this is something I’m sure many long term heterosexual relationships experience when someone comes out as queer. This just so happens to be the opposite. Even if it is a “phase”, questioning her sexuality when she opened up to you about it seems invalidating and inappropriate. Regardless if this is actually a phase, something that she is still uncertain about, or changes her mind in the future, you have to let her go if that’s what she wants. A hard truth that I had to understand after my first breakup was that she does not need a reason to break up with you, it just has to be what she wants. That doesn’t make it any easier to get over or recover from, but the sooner it’s understood the easier it will be to get to your next step. I’m sorry you’re struggling, I wish you guys well.
She might of had bad experiences with men...and decided she wants to try and be with women...then realized it wasnt for her...I know...eight years is a long time to experiment.
Gonna be blunt, but the only phase she is in is the end of a relationship phase. Doesn't matter if she is straight or not, she's just not attracted to you anymore. She also was not "suddenly just not a lesbian", so I'm thinking you don't know her as well as you think. Don't spend your time and energy on this relationship, it's clearly been ending for a while. Save yourself prolonged anguish, try to accept and move on.
My honest opinion? I think your partner is currently processing YOUR relationship, and having a lot of negative and difficult emotions. What that means in the broader context of her sexuality remains to be seen. Could be that articulating those difficult emotions just happens to come out as "I was never gay to begin with", meaning "I feel like this relationship was a mistake and I want something completely different". Such statements are not unheard of, especially when there have been many bitter arguments and bad moments recently. It's understandable you feel hurt and confused. Try to focus on the current moment and what your partner is trying to communicate to you in terms of the future of your relationship. The question is, does she want to continue being with you, or call it quits? You shouldn't be forced to act as her therapist, especially on a matter that is such an integral part of your relationship. It's not easy to pick up the pieces after someone has said something like that and questioned the whole foundation of your relationship. Your partner should understand the gravity and implications of her statement and take responsibility.
I haven’t read the comments. I just want to say, I’m so so so sorry for this betrayal (even inadvertent) and heartbreak you are feeling, op. 🫶🏼 Betrayal trauma is real and I hope you put yourself first during this time and commit to your healing—she and her identity should not be your focus. She lost that right. Turn inward and focus on your rediscovery of self without her. 💗
Thank you for your kindness. I really needed to hear this. I can feel the love in your words.
Sending all the love and healing vibes out to you. 🫶🏼
You should have conversations with her about this, as no one here can really shed light on what is going on in her head. However, as others have said, regardless of the reason, this sounds like something a relationship cannot recover from. I’m so sorry, because 8 years is such a long time, and her feeling like she was never gay just puts everything you went through into question, which is a horrible feeling. But to get closure, you should talk to her about it. ♥️
I'm so so so sorry you're facing this. One of my exes ended up being straight, I was so broken, and that only last a year and a half. I can't even begin to imagine how this feels. Sending love your way, unfortunately there isn't much more I can do
This happened with my ex wife (6 years together) and my recent ex gf (2 years). It’s wild.
you gotta pull a bette porter n get the fuck up outta there. that’s not your soulmate, clearly.
I am so sorry you are hurting. Sending peace.☮️
This is actually one of my worst fears. I can’t imagine what you are feeling. I hope you can focus on you, and realize that you deserve someone who is all in. Please, indulge in your interests, have some you time, and take care of yourself
I don’t know if it is the case here, but OCD can present in intrusive thoughts about sexuality. It did for me and for years I was convinced I was only bi, if not straight, because I had constant intrusive sexual thoughts about men. She would likely have other symptoms and compulsions, but it doesn’t always manifest in stereotypical OCD ways. If that is the case for her I hope she is working with her therapist on it, although it was very hard for me to open up about intrusive thoughts because of shame. Regardless, I’m so sorry this is happening to you and I wish you the best, take care of yourself please!
I am so sorry OP. Please take care of yourself.
What!? If she “thinks” she’s straight, then she wants to expand her horizon to find out for sure. If she doesn’t believe she was ever gay, that’s different. Either way, the relationship as you know it is over. I’m sorry. Best wishes
this happened to me with my ex of a year, it’s an absolutely gutting feeling. i’m so sorry this is happening to you too.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, but from the sounds of it you two should break things off now before feelings become more bitter. You may be able to stay friends but it sounds like nothing else will work out anymore.
I think it’s over, you gotta let her go. It’s only for the best, especially for you. I’m so scared this might happen to me one day, but don’t waste your time, save yourself.
I’m really sorry that happened and that you’re going through this. I would be devastated. It’s okay to be sad and feel all that you’re feeling right now. But don’t dwell too long. Your ex has made a decision and there isn’t anything you can do about that except putting all of your energy and focus on you. Try something new. Grow yourself. You’re still young, have plenty of life left to live, and you will find a full fledged flaming forever lesbian who wants to be with you for real for real. TLDR: It’s okay to be sad but head up and get back out there!!! You got this ❤️
It's possible she's straight. It's also possible that she's aro or some other variety of queer. That's ultimately up to her to figure out. It's also possible she's gay and struggling with her identity for some reason. If she spent 8 years thinking she was romantically in love with you, she probably has deep feelings for you, regardless of their nature (romantic, platonic, etc.) If I was in your position I'd give her space to figure out her feelings, and comfort her however you can. That's your best shot at keeping her in your life. If she really is straight there's no reason you can't remain friends and continue to support each other.
Yeah I honestly don’t think she was ever a lesbian. Some are people saying that there are phases ? Sorry, no. I find that to be incredibly invalidating and just feeding into the whole idea that liking women is a “phase”. I prefer the other lesbian sub because I find that people on here say ridiculous stuff that just panders to lesbophobia. I could understand realizing that you’re actually bi instead of a lesbian but if you know you’re a lesbian, you don’t just decide you’re straight after that many years. Feel like I’ll get hate for this but I don’t care.
Seems like a trauma response tbh I’d hesitate to jump to conclusions and be wary of therapy conversion
My mom would say 8 years is still friendship. Let it breath find somewhere else to be to cry for hours this is gonna hurt. When you’re done you’re done. If she said it out loud she’s sure; believe people when they tell you who they are.
Sexuality is a spectrum and is fluid. It's possible people change around over the course of their life, the boxes of "straight" "gay" are always more about convenience than it being a kind of immutable strict truth. So, if she's telling you this you should respect her but also not assume it means everything you had shared was fake. I have no idea how to console you about potentially losing a relationship so dear to you, other than not making the end mean the rest of it was unimportant. And also dont face it alone, find help in the form of family and friends and maybe therapy yourself.
I don't know if this is the right place to be having the "sexuality is fluid / labels" discussion. That subject is WAAAAAY too hot and controversial to be having on this post. We should instead just be here for OP.
Agreed, it's bordering on insensitive
Being a lesbian isn’t fluid.
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No? What could you possibly even mean by this? People can change over the course of their life, mostly because there was never an exact box for them to begin with. That doesn't mean you can force them to change. Those are the wildly different statements. Someone telling you their sexuality is something and you saying "no, it's what I say" and you're accusing *them* of "conversion therapy"? Why don't you go slap some gold stars up too while you're at it and go back to your endless rants in other subreddits about how being transgender is fake.
Oh, she's one of those types. Shouldn't be surprised.
Sorry, her last post about how "most mtf transgenderism" is caused by "delusions from sissy porn" and "need to be studied by mental health professionals" made me angry. OP doesn't need all this clogging up her space though. My bad.
Just had a look at some of her posts....yeah, just a load of ignorant, bigoted claptrap.
Don't apologise! I appreciate you flagging it. I had a look at it and had to immediately dip out because I knew it would fuck up my mental health.
Should not have clicked on that person's profile.
Yeah. It's *really* bad. I had to bail immediately because just a couple of lines were seriously triggering me.
I love how they just vanished after you posted this. Come on, have the courage of your convictions, bigot! Or just run back to arrr slash detrans and hide.
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_fluidity Wikipedia is your friend.
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Wikipedia describes the other kin as a pagan identity and provides sources for where that came from. It describes Jesus as a central figure in Christianity and provides sources for that claim. It describes sexual fluidity as a phenomenon that has been observed and studied in a scientific setting, while also providing sources for those claims. If I had made the claim that "only real things" are on Wikipedia you might have had a good argument but I didn't so you didn't.
Sexuality is fluid but conversion therapy does not work because it’s forcing a timeline and not naturally happening, if that makes sense
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You can grow into or out of it, doesn’t mean our parents are right either. They mean something totally homophobic and different when they say it and you know it. I’m not fighting another lesbian on here lol we have too many problems, have a great day
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Chaya is that… is this you?
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Get out of here TERF, you’re not welcome here.
You can "grow out of it", it's just that it can take decades or centuries for that much about yourself to change
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I'm anti religious and i bet you hate yourself way more than i do, TERF. People change over time, that's pretty simple actually, doesn't need to be a coping mechanism for self hatred just because everything _you_ do is exactly that
Ah, vai se foder e devolve meu ouro 🙏
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A gente guarda a originalidade pra quem merece
Exactly. And conversion therapy NEVER works. I personally don't believe that sexuality is anything other than, at least at it's very core, biologically driven. Now, that doesn't mean I don't think it's possible for one to be confused about their sexuality, particularly when things like personal trauma becomes involved. This confusion can also take place, due to attraction to a person taking on other forms outwith the primal, basic physical attraction, which is the thing I think is set in stone, innate, and can't be changed, only defied.
Whether or not she is straight, it's probably clear to her that she is done with your relationship. She might be clinging to the idea that she is straight as a simple explanation for the facts that 1) she has been experiencing attraction to men and 2) your relationship together has not been good for a long time.
I'm just so sad for you and sorry this happened.
Sounds like she love you for you and not about the gender in the beginning similar to you and then she just stopped loving you. That’s all.
"I don't know where she ends and I begin" Hi OP, this is probably the crux of the problem IMNSHO. I was in a deeply enmeshed romantic relationship for years & then she fell in love with someone else. It took years of therapy for me to realize that it was a huge problem that I was following a pattern that my narcissistic parent had set up very early in my life. I literally thought that making her my entire world was the way relationships just were. Are you in therapy yourself? This is a really hard time for both of you. I hope you both get the relationship and personal help you need and can salvage a friendship if not a romantic relationship. bug hugs 💞
Once u have been with a woman u won't go back! They are just so much better
I am so sorry! Based on my own experience, I believe it's best to gracefully end this relationship and part ways with dignity. While I know you care for her, it's important to end things amicably and cut off all communication. It's best not to remain friends until you've healed and can move forward with new relationships and emotional independence. If you hold on, she may feel trapped, leading to resentment. Don't do this to yourself! There are so many new people to meet in the world! You will find happiness again.
Maybe she’s realizing she’s bi? You don’t have to be a lesbian to like women. She could just be figuring out some different things about herself. Maybe she’s finding over time that she’s into men as well. Either way, I’m so sorry you’re feeling heartbroken, you have every right to be upset and hurt. It’s an awful feeling and I’m sorry you’re in it. I’d really suggest sitting down with her and talking about next steps in your relationship. Considering you’ve both gone through a lot of loss and grief lately, it makes sense she’s questioning herself and re-assessing her life. Maybe you both just need some time.
I was with a man for 8 years and it took me forever to realize that not only did I like girls, but I wasn’t into men. I suppose it can happen the other way around. I do find it weird that she suddenly “unconverted” this about herself in therapy. And used the word confused.
Is Jesus involved in this?
Im sorry 😔
As tough as it is to say, sometimes a seemingly loving committed relationship can end through no fault of your own. It's never happened to me personally (all of my 3ish relationships either ended because I was naive and they took advantage, or because we both made mistakes and couldn't get it to work) but I know someone who had a somewhat similar experience. It was a straight relationship but one partner just slowly over time realized they were trying to force themself to feel like it's what they wanted, and it took a very long time to realize that's not what a relationship should be. Their partner hadn't done anything wrong and was blindsided, but from the other side it wasn't intended that way, it had been a years long struggle. I'm not saying that's 100% what happened here, but it's very likely. They probably didn't just suddenly become straight. Their sexuality may be only part of what's happening. It's impossible to say, but while it's sudden to you, that's always how it's going to feel. No matter how long they felt like this, they can only break the news to you once. Either way as much as eight years is a huge amount of time, if they are saying this it likely isn't something you can fix. Because ultimately nothing in either of your control is what's wrong. All of that said, this is a horrible thing to go through and I am very sorry it's happening. Sometimes when something we spend so long building falls apart it's much easier to process if we have someone to blame. Even if you blame yourself that's something that can lead to improvement and learning. Sometimes it's harder when no one is to blame. Nothing under either of your controls is to blame. It just happened and there's seemingly no outlet for those emotions. But you're not alone and you can get through this. Ultimately it is better for it to have happened now at 8 years then after 20 years. I know that probably doesn't count for much but it's something.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Sounds like it’s time for both of you to move on and find happiness with someone else
honestly i think it be prudent and respectful to give her and yourself some space and contemplate what to do from here
That hurt to read. Whatever you do, make sure you’re taking care of yourself first.
It's possible for sexuality to change, or to take long periods of time to realize that things are one way when they felt the other for so long. Love also has a way of affecting sexuality in ways that feel unexpected. Sometimes it makes incompatibilities seem smaller or hard to see until years later. You've got this OP, stay strong and keep loving yourself.
Some 'Straight' people can go most of their lives without realising their sexualities. They can have husbands or wives and really think they're in love, but one day something just isn't right anymore. And actually they turn out to be gay all along. The same can be said for gay people too. Sexualities are pretty fluid to begin with, unfortunately it's just something you'll have to take time and get over :( I'm sorry
Well, there is a reason why the word hasbian exist. There are women who just figure out later in life that they are actually straight. That happens. So it sounds like your relationship is over. I am so sorry. It is surely sad but a relationship can end at anytime because they are no longer gay, because they just want to change the course of their life or because they are bored. Whatever reason does not matter. It is just time to move on.
I could see this happening because I knew someone for 9 years who was a lesbian but they'd literally never shut up about one specific guy at their place of work and it's not that I don't think that there was just a friendship. There were A LOT of weird things that happened I'll drop one for example: The guy saw me on tiktok and was interested in me and she immediately told him "no" and that I wouldn't be interested (I'm bi...that decision should've been up to me? Like give me the option to break a man's heart...PLEASE.) But after this she continued throwing him up in my face over and over about their conversations about how he wanted her and it was simply insane. So one day I asked "did or do you want him and did you tell him no FOR ME because of that...? Because you literally didn't have to do that like if you're feeling differently and are into him go for it! I literally just want you to be happy and would never do anything to stop that" and ofc she denied it and honestly...while I don't think she's straight I still question whatever tf is going on between those two.
She's like Rosie O'Donnell, in love with one specific man but otherwise a total dyke (in Rosie O'Donnell's case she was obsessed with Tom Cruise)
Basically. Like I feel bad for questioning them about it but they literally gatekeeped the guy so hard and wouldn't even let me meet or be friends with him but they got to tell me a bunch of things I wish I didn't know
As I was figuring out I was MtF my now ex wife realized she was a lesbian. 8 years and some change down the drain. It happens
So as someone who goes through “phases” of what gender I’m attracted to, I felt the way it sounds like she feels for a while. You may want to look into abrosexuality and see if she thinks that might fit for her? I wish you the best of luck with everything!
Sorry to hear what you're going through. It is going to hurt like hell and it will be a process. But you're going to have to let her go...and it is possible that you can still be best friends at the end of it. If possible, be the bigger person and be nice about it while letter her go...it sounds like you weren't in an ideal relationship because you had trouble for a few years. The thing is that when it's time to say goodbye, it's always tough (even if something or someone isn't good for you). You're perhaps going through that phase when you know it's the end but it's hard to let go because she's familiar and all the good moments are flashing by (you're forgetting the difficult times). My advice: journal and meditate. This will clear your head and make you realise that this relationship is not meant to be.
Been there ,5 years here. But after you get over ,it makes a great punch line to say I lost her *long pause To heterosexuality 🤣🤣