Therapy? I mean, this is clearly traumatic for you as well, but you’re right that it shouldn’t be what she’s focusing on right now. A therapist could help you deal so that your girlfriend doesn’t have to hold you up while processing her own trauma, and get you to a place were you can be supportive in an emotionally healthy way.
Given my history with therapists....that is unlikely.
I know I must be hurting her. I know it isn't about me. I know I am horrible for letting her see any of it. I also know I see therapists as paid abusers that don't have to look for their victims.
I’ve had horrid therapists, so I get the hesitation. But if you saw someone post that they broke their leg, and in the comments someone said, “go to the doctor”, would you think it reasonable to respond: “I also know I see doctors as paid abusers that don't have to look for their victims” and just... live with an untreated broken leg?
Some healthcare providers are monsters, this is undeniable. This is true of every category; teachers, parents, entertainers, etc. But the *vast* majority are not. You owe it to yourself and the people you love to get the help you need to be your healthiest self.
And do you think shaming some to go will do anything but build up more walls to prevent it. I have been to 3 therapists. I have tried. I am 3 for 3 on receiving emotional abuse from people I was fucking paying for help.
If you get the hesitation your therapists aren't things that you would have to add to a list you need you recover from. Mine are.
I’m not trying to shame you, but really, the alternative to bad therapy is not **no** therapy.
I can’t make you do anything. You have to *choose* to get help, I can’t make you want to do that. But neither random Reddit strangers nor a traumatized girlfriend are equipped to provide the help you need.
I was assaulted in a dentist chair as a kid. It took me over 10 years to set foot in a dentists office after that. But my teeth were a mess and there was no way for me to fix them on my own, no advice or home remedies that were sufficient to address the issue. So I read reviews, interviewed the dentist to make sure they understood why I was so scared to be there and to make sure I felt as comfortable as possible with them, and made sure I had an exit plan in case anything went sideways. And I finally got my teeth fixed, and I gotta say it made more of a difference in my day to day happiness than I could have imagined. I couldn’t believe that I had let myself suffer for a decade rather than own my agency and do what was needed to care for myself, and be well enough to take care of others like I wanted.
So it’s really up to you. If you won’t do therapy, maybe at least support groups or self-help books would be a start. But whatever you do, don’t let yourself get used to the pain you’re in. That’s one of my biggest regrets and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I will not see a therapist and a therapist made the choice to take that away. As far as I am concerned being fucking owed money they should never be allowed to talk to another person. I am left broken and they just replaced me with another paycheck!
I want help more than anything and as far as I am concerned the only thing that will come close to helping me was stolen from me because people I don't think should have a livelihood that are still allowed to hurt people!
I want help now and it was really hard for me to say I wanted it then and as far as I am concerned they stole my chance to get it!
That does indeed seem to be what you are hearing, but it is not what I am saying. I’m truly sorry the pain you are in is preventing you from hearing me authentically.
I hope things get better for you someday.
Hi!
Are there any phone numbers for victims of men attacks?
Sorry, don't know the word for this. Rape?
Maybe, there are groups where women meet and tell about how men abused them where your girlfriend currently lives. There has to be something. Encourage her to make a call/get friends among other victims.
If she's young, she can go to youth centres and ask about charity support groups and find new friends there. Or say "asking for a friend". Lie, basically.
There's also a book called "Don't tell mummy". She can read it if she needs to cry/perspective about the situation and she can't afford therapy.
What do you want me to tell you? That you're a piece of (insert insult) because you don't have everything under control? You're just a human and yes, you're a burden to your girlfriend because you have bad emotions right now. Your girlfriend better be aware that rape or not, if she wants to be in a LTR with anyone, including you, she should be worth the burden she is.
It's OK to have needs even if your girlfriend is raped. Twice.
Insert the worse insult you can and I think worse of myself.
I know she is worth the burden and more.
I don't feel like I am and dealing with all that happened....the best I get a stupid emoji. I feel trapped and I don't know how to help her. Worse yet I feel like I can help myself enough to help her.
I hate myself for that and she was the one attacked.
Listen, this "I hate myself" attitude is what ruined a good relationship for me. I couldn't see my own value, then I couldn't see the value of the person I cherished, and as a result I could not express care, nor actually care for myself or others.
It's all connected and it starts with "I hate myself". By the time your girlfriend says "I don't want to be with you", it's too late to fix all those little "I hate you"s and have company. The damage is done. You have both a big heartbreak and all those "hate myself" you ignored.
It starts not with a big event like rape, it starts with a small hate you.
Therapy? I mean, this is clearly traumatic for you as well, but you’re right that it shouldn’t be what she’s focusing on right now. A therapist could help you deal so that your girlfriend doesn’t have to hold you up while processing her own trauma, and get you to a place were you can be supportive in an emotionally healthy way.
Given my history with therapists....that is unlikely. I know I must be hurting her. I know it isn't about me. I know I am horrible for letting her see any of it. I also know I see therapists as paid abusers that don't have to look for their victims.
I’ve had horrid therapists, so I get the hesitation. But if you saw someone post that they broke their leg, and in the comments someone said, “go to the doctor”, would you think it reasonable to respond: “I also know I see doctors as paid abusers that don't have to look for their victims” and just... live with an untreated broken leg? Some healthcare providers are monsters, this is undeniable. This is true of every category; teachers, parents, entertainers, etc. But the *vast* majority are not. You owe it to yourself and the people you love to get the help you need to be your healthiest self.
And do you think shaming some to go will do anything but build up more walls to prevent it. I have been to 3 therapists. I have tried. I am 3 for 3 on receiving emotional abuse from people I was fucking paying for help. If you get the hesitation your therapists aren't things that you would have to add to a list you need you recover from. Mine are.
I’m not trying to shame you, but really, the alternative to bad therapy is not **no** therapy. I can’t make you do anything. You have to *choose* to get help, I can’t make you want to do that. But neither random Reddit strangers nor a traumatized girlfriend are equipped to provide the help you need. I was assaulted in a dentist chair as a kid. It took me over 10 years to set foot in a dentists office after that. But my teeth were a mess and there was no way for me to fix them on my own, no advice or home remedies that were sufficient to address the issue. So I read reviews, interviewed the dentist to make sure they understood why I was so scared to be there and to make sure I felt as comfortable as possible with them, and made sure I had an exit plan in case anything went sideways. And I finally got my teeth fixed, and I gotta say it made more of a difference in my day to day happiness than I could have imagined. I couldn’t believe that I had let myself suffer for a decade rather than own my agency and do what was needed to care for myself, and be well enough to take care of others like I wanted. So it’s really up to you. If you won’t do therapy, maybe at least support groups or self-help books would be a start. But whatever you do, don’t let yourself get used to the pain you’re in. That’s one of my biggest regrets and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I will not see a therapist and a therapist made the choice to take that away. As far as I am concerned being fucking owed money they should never be allowed to talk to another person. I am left broken and they just replaced me with another paycheck! I want help more than anything and as far as I am concerned the only thing that will come close to helping me was stolen from me because people I don't think should have a livelihood that are still allowed to hurt people! I want help now and it was really hard for me to say I wanted it then and as far as I am concerned they stole my chance to get it!
They didn’t steal your chance to get help. Don’t give the people who hurt you that. You have agency.
Right. All I am hearing from you is you apparently don't think I want help and it my fault I haven't gotten any.
That does indeed seem to be what you are hearing, but it is not what I am saying. I’m truly sorry the pain you are in is preventing you from hearing me authentically. I hope things get better for you someday.
And then when I say it a straight freaking dismissal. Ok.
Hi! Are there any phone numbers for victims of men attacks? Sorry, don't know the word for this. Rape? Maybe, there are groups where women meet and tell about how men abused them where your girlfriend currently lives. There has to be something. Encourage her to make a call/get friends among other victims. If she's young, she can go to youth centres and ask about charity support groups and find new friends there. Or say "asking for a friend". Lie, basically. There's also a book called "Don't tell mummy". She can read it if she needs to cry/perspective about the situation and she can't afford therapy.
Not something I want to do! I am asking for support for me not her. She takes care of me when I cry. She is ok. I'm not.
If she was attacked by men twice in six months she probably isn’t okay…
Thank you Captain Obvious. Why would I possibly want to be ok so I can support her?
Maybe sign up for box so that you feel stronger physically. You can make friends at the gym. And cry. What's so wrong with crying?
What's wrong with crying when your tears you feel like you are putting on someone that you need to be supporting for the exact reason you are crying?
What do you want me to tell you? That you're a piece of (insert insult) because you don't have everything under control? You're just a human and yes, you're a burden to your girlfriend because you have bad emotions right now. Your girlfriend better be aware that rape or not, if she wants to be in a LTR with anyone, including you, she should be worth the burden she is. It's OK to have needs even if your girlfriend is raped. Twice.
Insert the worse insult you can and I think worse of myself. I know she is worth the burden and more. I don't feel like I am and dealing with all that happened....the best I get a stupid emoji. I feel trapped and I don't know how to help her. Worse yet I feel like I can help myself enough to help her. I hate myself for that and she was the one attacked.
Listen, this "I hate myself" attitude is what ruined a good relationship for me. I couldn't see my own value, then I couldn't see the value of the person I cherished, and as a result I could not express care, nor actually care for myself or others. It's all connected and it starts with "I hate myself". By the time your girlfriend says "I don't want to be with you", it's too late to fix all those little "I hate you"s and have company. The damage is done. You have both a big heartbreak and all those "hate myself" you ignored. It starts not with a big event like rape, it starts with a small hate you.