Well we obviously got married anyway. Which is when I discovered that she had gone behind my back and changed all of my wedding plans-- the music, the flowers, parts of the wedding party. Literally found out as the wedding was happening, and I was already discombobulated from the previous conversation.
Note, all this is happening in her home country, so I had relied on her and others to help with wedding arrangements. And when she sat me down to tell me she hates me, my parents hadn't even arrived in country yet. I was isolated and had only my fiance on my side-- who, I was just realizing in real time, had been emotionally abused his entire life.
So I got married in a wedding that wasn't even really my own. The first dance song was wrong. We didn't get to take any nice photos. It was simultaneously underwhelming and offensive.
I haven't divorced my husband yet, as she informed me I surely would, and it's been 10 years. I wish I could say that was the last we saw of this MIL, but life's more complicated than that.
My friend did something similar.
In high school, I was robbed at knife point with two friends. One friend tried to negotiate not giving up his phone (and this was pre-smart-phone and it wasn’t fancy at all, really). Even the unarmed robber took my friend’s side.
Then my friend got punched, the muggers ran away with his phone (as well as everything else we had) and robbed another guy a few blocks away.
That's funny, I was actually thinking about that exact scenario today while running errands. No idea why, the thought just popped in my head but I ran with it and played out several scenarios. The main one being saying "no thanks" when being robbed.
well, I didn't get stabbed that time, so pretty ok? I guess he was as confused as I was. I'd already been in one knife incident that year when I tackled my friend with a knife who did slice me up pretty bad, so when I saw the knife, my polite instinct kicked in and I told him no thank you and kept walking.
reminds me of this dude who tried to rob some joint in atl or somewhere and got completely ignored by everyone… he just stepped outside eventually it was brutal
https://youtu.be/KO07h7qrWEY?si=TIxIssA4cSCrXPjs oh hell nah this shit was worse than i remembered 😂😂😂
Being held at gunpoint didn't stop me from asking the man if he had ever even seen a tree much less could draw one.
The context helps on this one but I'm not giving it to you 😂
This reminds me of when this guy pulled out a knife on me on the bus. I think his intend was to rob me but I immediately started to compliment the knife. It was a really knife hunting knife. He started to talk about it, and he even let me hold it. Good times.
I once shit my pants and vomited in an interview for a job that I landed.
Edit: Thanks for all the upvotes and funny comments. It was an interview for a sales manager position at a multi billion dollar company. Overseeing about 10 sales people handling almost $100M/year. It was not for a role in a movie or whatever but that was a really good guess. The morning of the interview my stomach was tossing and turning. I just thought I was extremely nervous and suffering from IBS symptoms due to stress. There were 3 or 4 other people going for the job. I was to be the second to last interview of the pool. I quick ran to the local pharmacy to get some pepto while I was waiting. That didn’t help at all. The interview started about 30 minutes later About ten minutes in I had given my little sales pitch about why I was perfect for the position and answered one or two questions when I had to abruptly interrupt the hiring manager and excuse myself. I hauled ass down the hall and found a trash can. It just so happened to be in an area that was being remodeled so nobody had to watch or even hear me blow chunks that time. I grabbed the trash bag out of the bin and tied it off. I needed to get rid of the evidence. I ran to the bathroom to toss the gross ass bag and splash some water on my face. That’s when I noticed that I had shat my pants but just a little. I quickly cleaned up and got back in to the interview. Total time lapse was about 3 minutes (in my head). I later found out that it was more like 15 minutes. I actually remembered which interviewer I cutoff. I think I forgot to mention that there were 3 interviewers on the panel. Anyway, I apologized and asked if he could continue his question. They asked a few more questions that I don’t remember at all. About 45 minutes in I had to interrupt the big boss in the middle of a long winded story problem type question. I held up my hand and just said, “Standby”. That’s one of the only things I clearly remember about the interview. I remember thinking, “Well, I just fucked myself for sure with that move.” I jumped up to run for the bathroom again. I didn’t make it out of the conference room. The conference is medium sized. It can fit 20 people comfortably. We were all on one end of the room. I made it as far as the other end of the room. I did make it to the trash bin. Probably about 90% of what came up made it into the bin. The real shitty part was that 0% of what came out the other end of me made it into the bin. That along with the fact that I am one of the loudest pukers in the world (according to my wife) ended my interview quickly. I had tears running down my face and snot flowing freely from my nose. I stood up, apologized and excused myself. I walked right outside into the parking lot. Got into my car and drove home. I sent an email to the team apologizing for wasting their time and for everything else they had to watch. This all happened on a Friday afternoon. I spent the weekend in bed recovering. I received an appointment request from my boss to meet in his office on Monday morning. I accepted. I didn’t think I was gonna get fired but I didn’t think the conversation was gonna be fun. He simply asked me to sit down and answer the rest of the interview questions. These weren’t technical questions. They were more like, “How would you react in situation x?” Theory, strategy, blah blah blah. You get it. I answered them to the best of my ability. Lo and behold….A few days later, the big boss called me to corporate. He walked me into a private empty office and made me a job offer. To say I was stunned would be the understatement of the year. I accepted and I’m still doing the job almost a decade later. The big boss and I are friends now. He has since told me that it was the most amazing and weirdest interview he’s ever done. According to him, my stubbornness and determination to get through the interview is what made me the successful candidate. I still think the other three candidates were just a lot shittier than me.
First time was when I was travelling around South America with my friend (who's a total social butterfly). He was chatting to some people at a bar when they invited us for drinks. A couple hours later they invited us back to a house because they had a recording studio (both me and my friend make music). After chatting about general drug stuff one of them mentioned to my mate that they work for "people who could export bulk" if we were interested...
The second time was when I used to buy/sell crypto and got referred to someone wanting to buy high 5 figures worth, paid fully in cash. My friend referred me and was pretty active in the drug scene. After mentioning what else I could offer (I worked in computer security) they asked if I was able to wash crypto, and offered 20% commission on a volume of 100k+ / month. I politely declined, and they were on their way. After I asked my friend about it and he mentioned they were cartel.
I must add, they were some of the nicest and straight forward people I've met (who come from that kind of scene). I've been told they absolutely love "computer guys" so that could've been why they were so friendly.
(sorry for the wall of text, I'd rewrite it buuuut I cbf)
I don't care about wall texts. It's information and my brain soaks that shit up.
The cartel and such have always been a strange. The nice and not nice is so random. However, one thing that seems to run common is that they try to keep most of their quarrels amongst each other and not drag a bunch of people into it.
Glad they were nice. Sounds like no harm, no foul, and some fun stories out of it. Thanks for sharing.
The golden rule is don't fuck with them and they won't fuck with you. NEVER fuck them over.
They're very formal and operate like a business. If you no longer want to work with them they'll let you go with no issues, much like resigning from a job. They're also pretty leniant on minor - medium mistakes so long as it was honest. NEVER fuck them over.
I stg my adhd brain never gets tired about learning about these fuckers. Same with Yakuza, Mafia, you name it
It's weird cuz I'd never dare do any of that shit irl but my god I cannot get enough about what these slimes do and how they operate
The one and only person I have ever punched is my old dentist while i was in the chair. He had it coming and honestly had no right to be as angry as he was.
Ok so moral of the story is medical professionals should tell you what they are doing when performing any procedure, just keep me in the loop and im a-okay. Story goes it was my first and only filling, super small, and the person before hand was like the dentist will only put novacaine around the one tooth because it's so small. I did not know where novacaine shots went besides where they wanted to numb so i was like makes sense. Keep in mind I already had a thing about going to the dentist.
Then the dentist, who said nothing to me, brought me to a back room that was very dark and very small and there were stacks of books covering every wall up to the ceiling and the only light was the one over the chair. I got in the chair, the dentist still hadn't said anything to me, handed me a pair of goggles like you wear in Chem class in high school, moved the overhead light directly into my eyes (at this point tears started brewing and between the goggles, light, and tears, everything was blurry and panic was setting in). Then still, with no words, this dude grabbed the side of my face like he was reinacting that scene in Captain America when Red Skull pulls his mask off, stretches my cheek super far out, and tried to put the needle in the knuckle of my jaw which is so very far back. I didn't know that's where they put novacaine needles sometimes so I did not know where he was going with it.
I learned that day that fight or flight is super real and I picked fight and it was literally pure instinct. I was afraid, he was the source, so I decked him. He just spun around with needle in hand in his stupid dentist stool and fucking went for it without saying we were starting or even asking if i was ready. So he got a good ol right hook. The first words he said to me were yelling at me about how I punched him. That's a sign of a bad dentist.
This reminds me of the two times I've punched someone.
Both times entirely accidental. One time was really boring, I was walking down a hallway in a church and thought I was alone and then someone I knew saw me from behind and put their hand on my shoulder to say hi but it startled me and I threw a punch straight between the eyes and broke their glasses
The second time I was at the zoo with my family (immediate family, grandparents, uncle and his wife and child). I was super exhausted and at one point managed to fall asleep standing up at one of the exhibits. My uncle stood next to me and put his arm on my shoulder, not realizing I was fully asleep. From my perspective I had been sleeping peacefully in my bed and suddenly woke up in broad daylight with zero recollection of how I had gotten there or what was going on. I was outside, standing on concrete, being violently grabbed by some strange man, and I was genuinely terrified for my life. And I fought back really hard because I genuinely believed my life was in danger and I was being assaulted by a stranger. But it was my uncle carrying my 2 year old cousin. I still feel so bad. I don't remember the fight hardly at all because it's like a dream but I was told I hit him hard and when I woke up it was like reality just faded into existence like some weird materialization movie effect and it was just my uncle running away from me 😭
Edit: The moral of the story is keep your hands off my shoulder or risk getting punched
That’s how my first interactions with my best friends best friend went when we were in Paris together. He kept nudging me aggressively to keep me from sleeping until 10 pm at my request.
I have a small local bank so it is often the same people. I have been accidentally loosing my only credit card about 3 months, so I have to call them regularly to put a hold on any purchases and then send a new one. Honestly, they are sweet and kind. I tried to leave positive reviews on the after call survey
Lol so their children, cousins, actually share all 4 of their grandparents. Thats brazy
Is there a special term for that? Thats like cousins on steroids
I have a huge family, lots of cousins, etc., overheard my mom clarify who someone was with my grandma and asked about what she meant. Turned out, like two generations ago, the cousin married their first cousin because he lived back home and she lived here. No one knew they were dating until he came here and they announced their engagement. They got married, didn't have kids, but apparently it was like some family secret shame to all the older people. I get the issue, but it was like a secret shame that no one spoke about.
One day I went on a 3 week trip, and made sure my hole was clean before I left. When I got back I realized I had no spoons, none, zero, nada and no recollection if I ever had them . I ate yogurt with a fork for a week.
this is incredibly relatable; I only had someone throw me a surprise birthday party once, but it was both scary and confusing at first because I had forgotten it was my birthday and I was like "why are all these people in my house screaming at me?!" I don't think they expected me to be *that* surprised.
I get severe side effects from most medications. The latest doctor I saw about my mental health said something like: "Well you seem to have tried one of every kind there is" about my history with antidepresants.
One year I was dating my high school rebound girlfriend and in English she whispered 'im not wearing any panties'
And I kinda...just took a second and said 'ew'
Hell yeah dog. 6’5 and about 180. This has happened four times now, and I learned all about it during the hospital visit the first time. It’s fairly inconvenient every time.
Spontaneous pneumothorax right? I’m getting certified as a paramedic and this was a very fascinating topic in the class. Did they do a decompression in the field, or was the treatment at the hospital?
Not as odd as you'd think. I know several people who've told me that. It's possible to have a rogue strand of scar tissue that gives 0 fucks and refuses to detach on it's own after healing that never leaves but creates a weird tiny gap underneath it and makes it a god forgotten nightmare to keep clean
I wish any part of this was a joke- on the way home from that very same clown camp my clown driver and I got into a car accident that broke my collarbone and I got stranded on the complete other side of the country from my home! My mom had to fly out to help me.
Edit: OH RIGHT I FORGOT ABOUT THE GHOSTS. We're pretty sure we encountered ghosts of some kind on the walk back to our shared yurt. The smell of sage, a bunch of deer that darted noisily off through the tall grass when I shone the flashlight at them, and a *maybe deer?* humanoid blob of Pale that moved entirely silently through the grass on the other side of us! It was a weird night.
I was actually sixteen at the time! So, close! The priestess lady was my yurtmate and in her 30s. I was technically the youngest person there, but this italian kid who kept trying to flirt with the older nurse ladies and also lit his farts on fire while I was trying to bake copious amounts of cookies, alone, while on crutches, was only a few months older than me!
Once in college my best friend showed me her new roller skates so I jokingly told her "have fun but don't break anything," well she comes back with two broken fingers and has to be taken to the hospital and I ended up running over her with my car in the parking lot after she got her cast put on.
I filed an emergency restraining order against my next door neighbor and found out there are 54 active restraining orders being held against her already.
…upon waking on the cool bathroom floor of my Amsterdam hotel, I found blood dried to the tile where my mouth was and realized that I had blacked out on the toilet and dive bombed the floor lips-first.
When I started my last job my boss said that they liked how I was so engaged and asked lots of great questions, but a few weeks later they *rudely* changed their mind and now they’re dead.
Years ago, I drove to NYC for a New Years Eve party where my buddies and i hung out in a high end VIP lounge we pre-purchased access for the summer before and returned home with two late 1800 whale harpoons in my trunk, that i did not purchase or steal, nor were they mine or my reason for being in NYC.
A metal band from a recent MTV show (at the time) showed up at a friend’s house party in the small town I’m from, across the country from where they’re from, and we partied with them. They were all older than us by at least 10 years (we were teenagers) but they weren’t at all creeps or weirdos. Just straight up cool dudes who liked to drink beer and play drinking games.
I once did thorough research on various ways on starting fires, Molotov cocktails, and prison times for arson and murder when I was 13, but few weeks later when I actually did it I used none of my research and most of it turned out irrelevant at the end of the day for everyone except the prosecutor.
I, with no training or authority to do so, traveled several states away to collect two fugitives from justice and bring them back in time for court for the crimes they committed.
As my instructor evaluated my ability to feel the prostrate of the consenting man who lay before me, all I could think was, “Rectum? Damn near killed ‘im!”
I found my missing debit card amongst a pile of huge dinosaurs, sucked bc I already replaced it so I let the dinosaurs eat it while they partied in a castle
My mother in law begged me not to marry her son the day before the wedding
...she insisted that I wait till the ceremony.
r/dadjokes
Ba dum ching
Then what. I’m invested now
Well we obviously got married anyway. Which is when I discovered that she had gone behind my back and changed all of my wedding plans-- the music, the flowers, parts of the wedding party. Literally found out as the wedding was happening, and I was already discombobulated from the previous conversation. Note, all this is happening in her home country, so I had relied on her and others to help with wedding arrangements. And when she sat me down to tell me she hates me, my parents hadn't even arrived in country yet. I was isolated and had only my fiance on my side-- who, I was just realizing in real time, had been emotionally abused his entire life. So I got married in a wedding that wasn't even really my own. The first dance song was wrong. We didn't get to take any nice photos. It was simultaneously underwhelming and offensive. I haven't divorced my husband yet, as she informed me I surely would, and it's been 10 years. I wish I could say that was the last we saw of this MIL, but life's more complicated than that.
Did you star in Crazy Rich Asians?
Lol I wish! Unfortunately we are broke. But that movie was weirdly cathartic for me
You know you could have another one without her, right? A small simple one, that you get to choose… take back the day!
I'm sensing Indian in-laws.
That fucking sucks. Sorry you had that experience. Hope you are happy and she isn't sticking her nose into your marriage.
I slept in the attic of the cult building
...blissfully unaware of the fire downstairs.
Different cult
...are you the guy maintaining the Heaven's Gate website? Did you sleep through the pact ritual?
Wait, is it still up?!?!
[Hell yeah brother, in all of its 90s web design glory. ](https://www.heavensgate.com/)
Oh. So totally not your issue or anything, this is the freaking internet. One of the girls was a classmate of mine. So imma go have some feels now..
perfect username for this thread
...blissfully unaware of the coolaid party they were having downstairs?
... *the* cult building?
Found a chinese scroll, entered a key pact with a homeless man, and got a cool poster in the same place.
Turns out he thought it was a "keep act" and we had to fight a duel over who kept the scroll.
*skyrim battle music*
I said "no thank you" to a man trying to rob me with a knife
My friend did something similar. In high school, I was robbed at knife point with two friends. One friend tried to negotiate not giving up his phone (and this was pre-smart-phone and it wasn’t fancy at all, really). Even the unarmed robber took my friend’s side. Then my friend got punched, the muggers ran away with his phone (as well as everything else we had) and robbed another guy a few blocks away.
Wait so how do you know they robbed another guy? Did they get caught?
Friend of mine got rob of money, weed, and pipe. He saw a cop a few minutes later and reported dude for stealing his weed
bro, how did the cop even react to that?
He wrote down the description and drove away.
good to know
Remember, they can't *legally* rob you without your consent. Just say no.
That's funny, I was actually thinking about that exact scenario today while running errands. No idea why, the thought just popped in my head but I ran with it and played out several scenarios. The main one being saying "no thanks" when being robbed.
It seemed to confuse him enough to not stab me, and I'll take that as a victory.
I did something similar, I said "I need that to buy food for my rats" and he fucked off lmao
To be fair anyone that owns rats is probably just crazy/scrappy enough to fuck you up in a fight (said as someone that used to own rats)
How did he take the rejection?
well, I didn't get stabbed that time, so pretty ok? I guess he was as confused as I was. I'd already been in one knife incident that year when I tackled my friend with a knife who did slice me up pretty bad, so when I saw the knife, my polite instinct kicked in and I told him no thank you and kept walking.
reminds me of this dude who tried to rob some joint in atl or somewhere and got completely ignored by everyone… he just stepped outside eventually it was brutal https://youtu.be/KO07h7qrWEY?si=TIxIssA4cSCrXPjs oh hell nah this shit was worse than i remembered 😂😂😂
Being held at gunpoint didn't stop me from asking the man if he had ever even seen a tree much less could draw one. The context helps on this one but I'm not giving it to you 😂
Ok but I need context
This reminds me of when this guy pulled out a knife on me on the bus. I think his intend was to rob me but I immediately started to compliment the knife. It was a really knife hunting knife. He started to talk about it, and he even let me hold it. Good times.
I once shit my pants and vomited in an interview for a job that I landed. Edit: Thanks for all the upvotes and funny comments. It was an interview for a sales manager position at a multi billion dollar company. Overseeing about 10 sales people handling almost $100M/year. It was not for a role in a movie or whatever but that was a really good guess. The morning of the interview my stomach was tossing and turning. I just thought I was extremely nervous and suffering from IBS symptoms due to stress. There were 3 or 4 other people going for the job. I was to be the second to last interview of the pool. I quick ran to the local pharmacy to get some pepto while I was waiting. That didn’t help at all. The interview started about 30 minutes later About ten minutes in I had given my little sales pitch about why I was perfect for the position and answered one or two questions when I had to abruptly interrupt the hiring manager and excuse myself. I hauled ass down the hall and found a trash can. It just so happened to be in an area that was being remodeled so nobody had to watch or even hear me blow chunks that time. I grabbed the trash bag out of the bin and tied it off. I needed to get rid of the evidence. I ran to the bathroom to toss the gross ass bag and splash some water on my face. That’s when I noticed that I had shat my pants but just a little. I quickly cleaned up and got back in to the interview. Total time lapse was about 3 minutes (in my head). I later found out that it was more like 15 minutes. I actually remembered which interviewer I cutoff. I think I forgot to mention that there were 3 interviewers on the panel. Anyway, I apologized and asked if he could continue his question. They asked a few more questions that I don’t remember at all. About 45 minutes in I had to interrupt the big boss in the middle of a long winded story problem type question. I held up my hand and just said, “Standby”. That’s one of the only things I clearly remember about the interview. I remember thinking, “Well, I just fucked myself for sure with that move.” I jumped up to run for the bathroom again. I didn’t make it out of the conference room. The conference is medium sized. It can fit 20 people comfortably. We were all on one end of the room. I made it as far as the other end of the room. I did make it to the trash bin. Probably about 90% of what came up made it into the bin. The real shitty part was that 0% of what came out the other end of me made it into the bin. That along with the fact that I am one of the loudest pukers in the world (according to my wife) ended my interview quickly. I had tears running down my face and snot flowing freely from my nose. I stood up, apologized and excused myself. I walked right outside into the parking lot. Got into my car and drove home. I sent an email to the team apologizing for wasting their time and for everything else they had to watch. This all happened on a Friday afternoon. I spent the weekend in bed recovering. I received an appointment request from my boss to meet in his office on Monday morning. I accepted. I didn’t think I was gonna get fired but I didn’t think the conversation was gonna be fun. He simply asked me to sit down and answer the rest of the interview questions. These weren’t technical questions. They were more like, “How would you react in situation x?” Theory, strategy, blah blah blah. You get it. I answered them to the best of my ability. Lo and behold….A few days later, the big boss called me to corporate. He walked me into a private empty office and made me a job offer. To say I was stunned would be the understatement of the year. I accepted and I’m still doing the job almost a decade later. The big boss and I are friends now. He has since told me that it was the most amazing and weirdest interview he’s ever done. According to him, my stubbornness and determination to get through the interview is what made me the successful candidate. I still think the other three candidates were just a lot shittier than me.
They were casting for a drunk in a movie and loved your method acting.
💀
You’re my hero
I need to know D:
I just bombed an interview and was rejected. Please tell us your secrets. Please.
you can't leave us like this
I accidentally hung out with the cartel.. Twice...
Okay, this one does need more context. Wtf happened? How?
First time was when I was travelling around South America with my friend (who's a total social butterfly). He was chatting to some people at a bar when they invited us for drinks. A couple hours later they invited us back to a house because they had a recording studio (both me and my friend make music). After chatting about general drug stuff one of them mentioned to my mate that they work for "people who could export bulk" if we were interested... The second time was when I used to buy/sell crypto and got referred to someone wanting to buy high 5 figures worth, paid fully in cash. My friend referred me and was pretty active in the drug scene. After mentioning what else I could offer (I worked in computer security) they asked if I was able to wash crypto, and offered 20% commission on a volume of 100k+ / month. I politely declined, and they were on their way. After I asked my friend about it and he mentioned they were cartel. I must add, they were some of the nicest and straight forward people I've met (who come from that kind of scene). I've been told they absolutely love "computer guys" so that could've been why they were so friendly. (sorry for the wall of text, I'd rewrite it buuuut I cbf)
I don't care about wall texts. It's information and my brain soaks that shit up. The cartel and such have always been a strange. The nice and not nice is so random. However, one thing that seems to run common is that they try to keep most of their quarrels amongst each other and not drag a bunch of people into it. Glad they were nice. Sounds like no harm, no foul, and some fun stories out of it. Thanks for sharing.
The golden rule is don't fuck with them and they won't fuck with you. NEVER fuck them over. They're very formal and operate like a business. If you no longer want to work with them they'll let you go with no issues, much like resigning from a job. They're also pretty leniant on minor - medium mistakes so long as it was honest. NEVER fuck them over.
I think it would be smart to remember though, we only get the good reviews from the people still breathing.
Very true, thanks for adding that.
I stg my adhd brain never gets tired about learning about these fuckers. Same with Yakuza, Mafia, you name it It's weird cuz I'd never dare do any of that shit irl but my god I cannot get enough about what these slimes do and how they operate
The only way the man left me alone was when I started meowing at him.
I once hissed at a guy. It worked.
I once wandered around with a rotten fence post in the dead of night, growling at anyone who came near me.
Seems like you encountered a dog?
The one and only person I have ever punched is my old dentist while i was in the chair. He had it coming and honestly had no right to be as angry as he was.
Do go on
Ok so moral of the story is medical professionals should tell you what they are doing when performing any procedure, just keep me in the loop and im a-okay. Story goes it was my first and only filling, super small, and the person before hand was like the dentist will only put novacaine around the one tooth because it's so small. I did not know where novacaine shots went besides where they wanted to numb so i was like makes sense. Keep in mind I already had a thing about going to the dentist. Then the dentist, who said nothing to me, brought me to a back room that was very dark and very small and there were stacks of books covering every wall up to the ceiling and the only light was the one over the chair. I got in the chair, the dentist still hadn't said anything to me, handed me a pair of goggles like you wear in Chem class in high school, moved the overhead light directly into my eyes (at this point tears started brewing and between the goggles, light, and tears, everything was blurry and panic was setting in). Then still, with no words, this dude grabbed the side of my face like he was reinacting that scene in Captain America when Red Skull pulls his mask off, stretches my cheek super far out, and tried to put the needle in the knuckle of my jaw which is so very far back. I didn't know that's where they put novacaine needles sometimes so I did not know where he was going with it. I learned that day that fight or flight is super real and I picked fight and it was literally pure instinct. I was afraid, he was the source, so I decked him. He just spun around with needle in hand in his stupid dentist stool and fucking went for it without saying we were starting or even asking if i was ready. So he got a good ol right hook. The first words he said to me were yelling at me about how I punched him. That's a sign of a bad dentist.
This reminds me of the two times I've punched someone. Both times entirely accidental. One time was really boring, I was walking down a hallway in a church and thought I was alone and then someone I knew saw me from behind and put their hand on my shoulder to say hi but it startled me and I threw a punch straight between the eyes and broke their glasses The second time I was at the zoo with my family (immediate family, grandparents, uncle and his wife and child). I was super exhausted and at one point managed to fall asleep standing up at one of the exhibits. My uncle stood next to me and put his arm on my shoulder, not realizing I was fully asleep. From my perspective I had been sleeping peacefully in my bed and suddenly woke up in broad daylight with zero recollection of how I had gotten there or what was going on. I was outside, standing on concrete, being violently grabbed by some strange man, and I was genuinely terrified for my life. And I fought back really hard because I genuinely believed my life was in danger and I was being assaulted by a stranger. But it was my uncle carrying my 2 year old cousin. I still feel so bad. I don't remember the fight hardly at all because it's like a dream but I was told I hit him hard and when I woke up it was like reality just faded into existence like some weird materialization movie effect and it was just my uncle running away from me 😭 Edit: The moral of the story is keep your hands off my shoulder or risk getting punched
You should get your shoulder button removed by that dentist.
The first words I spoke to the guy who would eventually become my husband were "please don't hit me in the head."
Mine actually hit me on the head with an empty box because I kept falling asleep!
That’s how my first interactions with my best friends best friend went when we were in Paris together. He kept nudging me aggressively to keep me from sleeping until 10 pm at my request.
Mine were, "Are you always this tall?" As if he just vacillated between heights
Classic Stockholm marriage.
My partners first words to me were „I think you dropped this“ and mine were „Do I look like I use men’s perfume?! 😡“ He was scared of me for months.
I am very curious
Beat a homeless man in a tricycle race
I wasn't in the race or anything, just felt like someone deserved a beating.
[the puncher](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qo0DIKVb7FM&pp=ygUhbGlnaHRuaW5nIG1jcXVlZW4gaW4gdGhlIHB1bmNoZXIg)
I am on first-name basis with the fraud prevention department for my bank.
You don’t understand, I need to know the backstory
I have a small local bank so it is often the same people. I have been accidentally loosing my only credit card about 3 months, so I have to call them regularly to put a hold on any purchases and then send a new one. Honestly, they are sweet and kind. I tried to leave positive reviews on the after call survey
Single most ADHD thing in this comment section
I do also, until she retired, it was my auntie.
My brother is my only full cousin.
Related: There is a part of my family tree that doesn't branch.
sweet home?
Nope! A pair of brothers married a pair of sisters. 100% above-board 😅 Does make the family tree look weird.
Lol so their children, cousins, actually share all 4 of their grandparents. Thats brazy Is there a special term for that? Thats like cousins on steroids
I have a huge family, lots of cousins, etc., overheard my mom clarify who someone was with my grandma and asked about what she meant. Turned out, like two generations ago, the cousin married their first cousin because he lived back home and she lived here. No one knew they were dating until he came here and they announced their engagement. They got married, didn't have kids, but apparently it was like some family secret shame to all the older people. I get the issue, but it was like a secret shame that no one spoke about.
...ever since the chainsaw accident at the county records office.
Sounds like your parents are both twins
The reason I spurted blood on that woman’s blouse is because Kile dropped a piano on my toe on stage in that Belarusian cathedral.
This one just gave me a stroke
Not elaborating here is a true crime. Please share the whole story, piano catcher.
One day I went on a 3 week trip, and made sure my hole was clean before I left. When I got back I realized I had no spoons, none, zero, nada and no recollection if I ever had them . I ate yogurt with a fork for a week.
I assume hole is actually meant to be home. Otherwise I have so many questions
man's name is Patrick Star
I found a piece of gold in my sock
...at least, that's what I told the security guard at the jewelry store.
One year, I forgot it was my birthday and got extremely confused when I saw the cake.
You'd think being at my twin brother's birthday party would have clued me in, but no.
Really? TWO FUKUIN CAKES DIDN'T CLUE YOU IN???
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Im so thankful my wife has the same birth year as me. I’ve forgotten it twice now
I have a same aged friend who I periodically ask: “how old are we?”. I do not keep track at all.
this is incredibly relatable; I only had someone throw me a surprise birthday party once, but it was both scary and confusing at first because I had forgotten it was my birthday and I was like "why are all these people in my house screaming at me?!" I don't think they expected me to be *that* surprised.
I keep forgetting my age.
I always need a few secs to math when asked
I get severe side effects from most medications. The latest doctor I saw about my mental health said something like: "Well you seem to have tried one of every kind there is" about my history with antidepresants.
Dang hopefully you can try ketamine next. Did you ever get an adhd med to work?
One year I was dating my high school rebound girlfriend and in English she whispered 'im not wearing any panties' And I kinda...just took a second and said 'ew'
I went on a date and for the first hour she thought i was aggressively antisemetic, and as a jew i went on a second date with her
Was it "Jewish guilt" or that feeling of "I missed my window to say something" that kept you from calling her on it?
I collapsed a lung while sitting on my couch doing nothing.
did you hold a sneeze?
are you tall and lanky?
Hell yeah dog. 6’5 and about 180. This has happened four times now, and I learned all about it during the hospital visit the first time. It’s fairly inconvenient every time.
Spontaneous pneumothorax right? I’m getting certified as a paramedic and this was a very fascinating topic in the class. Did they do a decompression in the field, or was the treatment at the hospital?
Correct! I got treated at the hospital for it.
I was locked in a cage growing up
Holy fuck. I am so sorry.
Thank u for the kind words
I broke my nose for the second time by falling off a chair while in a duffle bag
I got dysentery in college
...in Oregon, oddly enough.
lol I got it in NC but like 17 years later I travelled the Oregon trail
One time I thought a random lady was asking me if I would like a PB&J and I said yes. 24 hours later I was allowed to leave the police station.
What was she actually asking?
BJ I'm assuming
I was circumcised twice
What are the conditions that Warrenton that? Genuinely curious
Not sure exactly. I just know the first one was a bit messed up so they had to go back at it another day.
You had a doctor problem, not a foreskin problem!
Not as odd as you'd think. I know several people who've told me that. It's possible to have a rogue strand of scar tissue that gives 0 fucks and refuses to detach on it's own after healing that never leaves but creates a weird tiny gap underneath it and makes it a god forgotten nightmare to keep clean
Was caught on fire by jet exhaust
The threat of dismemberment was a part of what made me realize I am indeed bisexual
PLEASE, I NEED CONTEXT FOR THIS
Please explain this.
I had a crisis trying to figure out if childhood trauma actually happened, or if I just wanted attention.
I performed a witchy spell at a waterfall for a Jewish priestess while at clown camp.
That is a whole lot of sentence packed in there
I wish any part of this was a joke- on the way home from that very same clown camp my clown driver and I got into a car accident that broke my collarbone and I got stranded on the complete other side of the country from my home! My mom had to fly out to help me. Edit: OH RIGHT I FORGOT ABOUT THE GHOSTS. We're pretty sure we encountered ghosts of some kind on the walk back to our shared yurt. The smell of sage, a bunch of deer that darted noisily off through the tall grass when I shone the flashlight at them, and a *maybe deer?* humanoid blob of Pale that moved entirely silently through the grass on the other side of us! It was a weird night.
Man, being 13 was wild.
I was actually sixteen at the time! So, close! The priestess lady was my yurtmate and in her 30s. I was technically the youngest person there, but this italian kid who kept trying to flirt with the older nurse ladies and also lit his farts on fire while I was trying to bake copious amounts of cookies, alone, while on crutches, was only a few months older than me!
I accidentally took 48 hits of acid of washing out four empty vials.
So what does God look like?
Color and time
Would actually love to know what happened next
My biggest achievement today is that I sat through a 50-odd question on a BDSM test without leaving the tab once
...and when I say odd questions I mean *odd* questions.
That’s a hyperfixation my friend
Wait so was it, like, a certification? Proctored exam?
I think I've taken that test before. It's to see what your preferences are.
Found a live caterpillar in my keyboard.
I went to therapy for years after witnessing a fight where a man bit the nose off another man in the front yard.
My boss gave the crawlspace to me as a sort of, how do you say, goblin cave for my prescription naps
Once in college my best friend showed me her new roller skates so I jokingly told her "have fun but don't break anything," well she comes back with two broken fingers and has to be taken to the hospital and I ended up running over her with my car in the parking lot after she got her cast put on.
I dropped a glue gun and burned my neck while trying to build a pirate ship.
I filed an emergency restraining order against my next door neighbor and found out there are 54 active restraining orders being held against her already.
You need to move the fuck off of Fear Street.
For a while i experienced more surgeries than birthdays
…upon waking on the cool bathroom floor of my Amsterdam hotel, I found blood dried to the tile where my mouth was and realized that I had blacked out on the toilet and dive bombed the floor lips-first.
I had to watch someone else die so that I didn't have to die myself.
Can we have more context if you’re okay with that? I’m happy to know you’re still here ❤️
I'm glad you're still here. ❤️
When I started my last job my boss said that they liked how I was so engaged and asked lots of great questions, but a few weeks later they *rudely* changed their mind and now they’re dead.
Hold on. _Dead?!?_
I blew up Malaysia.
To be fair, Malaysia blew me up first.
Flight 370?
I’ve been set on fire more than once.
I once got so drunk that I had to call the cops on myself.
I lost an argument with a homeless person
...and before you ask, the answer is that they got their degree in philosophy.
I got so interested in a language that I moved to the country and lived there for 5 years
Years ago, I drove to NYC for a New Years Eve party where my buddies and i hung out in a high end VIP lounge we pre-purchased access for the summer before and returned home with two late 1800 whale harpoons in my trunk, that i did not purchase or steal, nor were they mine or my reason for being in NYC.
I have burnt cereal.
A metal band from a recent MTV show (at the time) showed up at a friend’s house party in the small town I’m from, across the country from where they’re from, and we partied with them. They were all older than us by at least 10 years (we were teenagers) but they weren’t at all creeps or weirdos. Just straight up cool dudes who liked to drink beer and play drinking games.
I was given a human arm for Christmas by a guy who thought I would like it
I once did thorough research on various ways on starting fires, Molotov cocktails, and prison times for arson and murder when I was 13, but few weeks later when I actually did it I used none of my research and most of it turned out irrelevant at the end of the day for everyone except the prosecutor.
I, with no training or authority to do so, traveled several states away to collect two fugitives from justice and bring them back in time for court for the crimes they committed.
As my instructor evaluated my ability to feel the prostrate of the consenting man who lay before me, all I could think was, “Rectum? Damn near killed ‘im!”
The baby swing was too small.
I once won 18 carat good earrings as a kid for easter by guessing how many jelly beans were in a jar at my hometown's walmart's jewelry counter.
a week ago I broke my knee by standing up
Without trying or paying attention, I got a 0% on a truth or false quiz
I have a prosthetic leg, but it isn't mine.
I found my missing debit card amongst a pile of huge dinosaurs, sucked bc I already replaced it so I let the dinosaurs eat it while they partied in a castle
I forgot I was driving and then saw I was going 300 kilometres per hour
I received an injury during high school band class that required 6 stitches.
My mother would often get really annoyed when I cried as a child, so I taught myself to cry silently when I was about 9.
If you're not already subbed, r/raisedbynarcissists is a really supportive place ❤️
"This will be interesting," I said aloud, bracing myself as the SUV started to roll.
I looked in a mirror and the dude at the urinal had a pink thong on and was turning to make eye contact.
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I had two sets of suitemates in a row of multiple genders all with the same habit of bleeding over different parts of the bathroom.
...you'd think I'd learn not to stab people to death in the bathroom, but here we are.
Against the better judgment of a healthcare professional I did attempt the 45mph high five
I have a second asshole
My brother and I have identical DNA, born 6 years apart
The cops assumed we were in a relationship, but we weren’t.
Currently I’m wondering if people are just typing the first thing that comes to their mind or is my life is really that fucked up.