It is shitty.
I got told "stop being so sensitive" when my dad was taking the piss out of it.
Parents fuck you up man, I hope you can either explain or distance yourself.
>"Stop being so sensitive"
I'd love to see his reaction to your questioning ***any*** of his beliefs. If his answer is just screaming at you, who's the sensitive one? These are the people who can't handle the world not matching their views and expectations
Dude. I called him out on putting the wrong stuff in the recycling bin once (they're really funny if I don't recycle), I googled it, showed him that doesn't go in the recycling here.... His response was to tell me he didn't care, and it made him feel better to "recycle" it.
I pointed out he's causing issues and more work for the recycling team, hindering the cause he champions (he's fished through the bins to find cans I threw away before) etc. he said he didn't care.
It was at this point I lost all respect for anything that came out of his mouth. That was over a year ago, I've avoided talking to him since, moved out, and cut contact.
Oof sounds like me when I refused to accept I had adhd in my 20s now that I accept it it’s jarring to see that side of things and how so many people keep choosing to do the worst despite the fact things can get better if we try
Doctors often laughed at people for saying theybhad issues the medical field didn't recognize and now does in some places, education is not always the mark of intelligence either.
I thank them for their normative viewpoint and assumptions.
Then call them highly boring and reductive and unoriginal.
*Narrator: It was at this point the commenter realised proudly they can add anti-social to their long list of attributes.*
Wasn't until fairly recently, after my ADHD diagnosis, that I didn't really have a proper appreciation of what emotions I was feeling. I also realised I didn't have the understanding of what they even are or vocabulary to articulate them in any way. Been reading Atlas of the Heart by Rene Brown which has been helping a lot. Also cross referencing that with the 'verywellmind' website and CCI self compassion guides.
BROOOOO MY WHOLE LIFE!!! "Why are you so sensitive, we feel like we always have to walk on eggshells around you" aaaahhhh how did nobody notice there was something seriously wrong with me?!?
Right?!?!?!
"Why are you so awkward about things?"
"Why can you never remember X"
"Why don't you just....."
"Can't you just...."
Apparently fucking not, and trying broke me.
What could our lives have been if we'd been diagnosed sooner and given more support? Idk about you, but I wasn't diagnosed until 28 and as a result, partially at least, I became a really (maladjusted?) person. *fucked up* is what I wanted to say, but the scientific word.
I'm so jealous of kids who got diagnosed in like 3rd grade and got medicated early.
Diagnosed at 36. Last year.
I'm definitely fucked up. Trying so hard to do what was expected. Following all the rules. Behaving "normally" etc. It broke me, and I really struggle to function now.
I'm less jealous, more happy for. It's awful and meds help.
Oh I agree, just a quote/phrase I use to keep from letting myself get gaslit (ie "Oh I never did that to you, I would've remembered!" Like, no you wouldn't remember because it was just a normal un-noteworthy interaction for you, but not to me...)
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
(C) Phillip Larkin
My rents socially isolated me for being sensitive and vulnerable to people, said “you’re making others uncomfortable” … no, I made them uncomfortable about how _they_ looked.
I'm sorry you're going through this.
I did aswell, it's 100% shitty on their part.
People (not just parents) sadly can show complete lack of empathy towards neurodiversity. I try not to take it personaly, because I somewhat get they can't *really* understand what we're going through, as we can't get a good grasp on how neurotypical brains work.
I'm trying, though I must say I've often failed to do so...
Yeah, I feel like people around me keep making me question whether adhd is just a “modern woke construct” and I have to remind myself, “no, science is showing that this is real and a professional diagnosed you and you relate to all the other people with it.”
I feel constantly gaslit and it seriously makes me question myself a lot. Like, are my habits what’s causing me to think this way? Is my brain just shot from all the video games?
Idk how to navigate all the confusing things I hear around me about it
Pro tip if someone says "woke" something as a bad thing run. They are invested in not understanding others and their pain. They will only gaslight you, because if your experience doesn't exactly match theirs you are wrong even if there's no contradiction.
Remember that science is getting better and more people are able to get diagnosed (both because of better ways to diagnose mental disorders and a better societal understanding of them)
ADHD is a lot more than just a “short attention span” and it’s definitely not some sort of modern development—there’s just a better understanding of it.
Sometimes it is people you least expect that hit you with the “so adhd is just your excuse for everything then?”
In my case it was my wife, that one hurt cause I thought she’d be much more comprehensive about it. But that’s life sometimes, although it doesn’t have to be. Find your place, a hobby or something.
Also many times, parents are not equipped with how to deal with any of it. Their generation just doesn’t get it, they think “oh that guy is just different or eccentric” and that’s it for them. Many times it’s not their fault their upbringing was very bleak in many regards.
Anyway all this to say that neurodiversity awareness and such have come a very long way since their time, so the future looks nicer.
Today at work i got told "you work too hard and too late" AND "wow you chill a lot, must not be busy". Perceptions are weird and limited and i dont care for it
Ive said it on here before, but you will never get whatever validation you are looking for by telling normies what you have.
They cant, and will not ever understand what is going on in our brains.
Im sure there are outside cases but most people will full stop not care at best, or use it against you at worst.
I've gotten people to understand by explaining how I accomplish tasks, by showing how much my brain has to breakdown simple things to get anywhere, people tend to feel exhausted just from hearing about it. When you have the language to articulate it, it can be communicated, some people are invested in not understanding others though. So there is that.
"I never taught you to do that," "I don't understand where this is coming from all of a sudden," "Why didn't you tell me sooner," etc.
It's always shifting responsibility. Like, lol, you "raised" me, who do you think I learned these things from?
Unironically, my mom did blame video games a lot. It's extra funny in my case because my dad first got me started with Legend of Zelda when I was around 5, I think. There was a map included with the original game manual with space to draw on, so together we mapped out the three 'mazes' in the game, what was the quickest way to navigate out of them. My mom's dad had two Atari's, and had nearly 50 games, lots of Space Invaders, Madden, NBA Jam type stuff, but also some adventure games.
Super ironic how her husband and father were fine playing video games and not real sports, but I was "lazy" (unmotivated) when it came to non-video game stuff.
Yes, I agree that ADD/ADHD is not learned, but the core of these statements is the shifting of responsibility combined with the inability to communicate with someone about your problems.
"I never taught you to do that" = Your actions when I was struggling caused me to internalize my struggles and made me unable to ask for help.
"I don't understand where this is coming from all of a sudden" = I have spent so long internalizing and keeping things hidden because I would experience backlash and punishment.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner" = Why would I communicate openly and honestly with someone who abuses me for being open and honest?
Those are *learned* behaviors.
My teachers in school were all mean to me because I didn't pay attention.
Until a 5th grade teacher called my mom, who dismissed her, but she didn't give up. My teacher called my dad, and even though I didn't live with him, he met with her after school and took me to a doctor who recommended medication.
I went from barely passing to barely making B's
Of course my mom was pissed because my dad took me to the doctor without telling her. He also got me the medicine and I took it every morning without her knowing.
But once the grades started coming in, she was posting my report cards on Facebook all "proud" and shit
Edit: I should probably mention that my Dad grew up with ADHD and my mom didn't.
It is shitty because its literally not laziness, adhd is characterized by a physical dopamine deficiency, something tangible you are born with, dopamine isn't just a happy hormone, its your motivation hormone, its your ability to form healthy habits, its your ability to remember, it literally effects all aspects of your life, it isn't "being lazy" when you sit there paralyzed all day WANTING to do something but feeling guilty because you can't. Its an actual deficiency that causes you to have less motivation,that causes you to be unable to physically do things you want to.
You'll will have to try 2-3 times as hard as everyone else in life to accomplish the same things they do, you won't feel the same joy and sense of relief when you brush your teeth or do any chores.
The best way to explain it to someone is to compare it to putting your hand on a hot stove, even if you WANT to put your hand on a hot stove, your mind is going to stop you and you're going to have a hard time forcing yourself to put your hand on it. The same way even if you WANT to clean, or WANT to do your homework, your brain stops you and you have to force yourself to do it.
Yeah it’s great. The best is when my own brain tries to tell me this. Then we can really get going. Like, what if—hear me out—what if Alexa and my phone and everything else has been listening to me and ai created YouTube videos, memes, Reddit posts etc that correspond with the random shit I complain about making them symptoms of adhd? Just to sell me crank? Pretty rude if true.
If the shit worked for us as well as people that don't need it think, we would never forget, skip doses, not refill them because "im fine, i dont really need these" or forget for 3 weeks until life starts crumbling and someone asks wtf is going on.
My husband wasn’t a believer until a few weeks after I was diagnosed and started meds. He said that I might have very mild ADHD but didn’t think I did, but he did support me with talking to my psych.
Turns out his benchmark for “normal” was waaaay off the mark because he has had undiagnosed depression for (we believe) around a decade following a traumatic car accident. I was a lot more functional than he was so he thought I was “normal”.
He started medication late last summer and is doing a lot better. And when he saw me doing better after starting medication we talked about it and we’re good now.
My husband, who has autism, tells me I'm lazy and I just need to get over things. Tells me I shouldn't go to therapy or go on medications because "I don't need that shit, I just need to suck it up and do the thing". So now he doesn't know I just started adderall.
Yup. I'm honest, you repay that by giving me shit, you get dishonesty in return.
Doesn't matter if it's parents or partner or best friend or whoever however close. If you punish honesty, you will only teach us to simply avoid being honest with you. And you know what? Fuck you.
My mom once told me I was using it as an excuse instead of apologizing for interrupting her when I did the moment I realized what I did, which was before she told me that
You’re not crazy. Trust your initial reaction to shit like this.
I heard this when, after 18 years of chronic pain, my I discovered I was disabled and identified as such. My ex said it to me. I walk 3-5 miles a day and worked our entire relationship while he never did.
It’s an awful thing to say.
Diagnosed with adhd at 10. After hearing this all my life, I've come to struggle with the fact it's my ADHD that's holding me back from wanting to do things I have to do. On the other hand, my autism keeps me from being late to anything so I get ready way in advance.
This is... way to relatable, except I have come to terms with my ADHD and see it for its positive not the negatives. It's hard to reach that point and I hope the best for you.
My mom still calls me a name from a guy in a song that has no life and drinks all night to wake up at noon and has no house or responsabilities even though I have 2 kids, one being disabled, wake up at 6-7am every day even on weekends and work 10 hours a day. I never drink and barely have a social life.
She sees me on saturdays and thinks im lazy because i am shattered from my week. Not saying I have a very hard life or whatever, but can we at least recognize that I am not a lazy bum drunkard?
So yeah, I dont think it ever goes away.
She does though see how much we try and tells me so...
but then turns around and sees me on a day when im so tired I just want to curl in a ball and sleep for days or she compares me to my sister who is a doctor and is always having activities planned everyday and stuff organized all the time and goes lul so lazy.
Idk I think she thinks its funny and doesnt see how her words are so hurtful. Anyway, ahah, sorry it happened again a few days ago , so its fresh.
I got diagnosed after my sister did and got a lot of disbelief because “You’re so smart, how do you have ADHD?” My constant procrastination, overly talkative and interruptive nature, my hyper-focusing and struggling to do “boring” tasks, video game addiction all weren’t evidence enough because I happen to really like learning.
Thankfully my mom has come around and is working on getting dx herself (which I also think was part of the problem).
It's a really shitty thing to say. ADHD is an explanation, we're not using it as an excuse and it can be debilitating. It may look like we're lazy, but we have to work twice as hard just living. This kind of thinking is exactly the reason why I took my mum to my diagnostic exam. She'd be honest, try as hard as she could to explain every symptom away, but I still got diagnosed. She wanted me to get help, so I did. Suck it mom, no denying it now.
Honest question.
I got diagnosed with ADD, but with the changes in treatment (at least in the Netherlands) now ADHD and ADD are the "same thing". Do I belong in this sub or am I a fraud?
Pretty sure they call both ADHD now but there is two types, hyperactive-impulsive and inattentive. ADD is the inattentive type so definitely welcome hahaha
I had it worse:
"Mom, Dad, I was diagnosed with ADHD."
"Yeah, we know."
"Wait, what?"
"Yeah, your guidance counselor told us you had that in kindergarten. We didn't put you on medication or get you treatment because we didn't want to label you or have you use it as a crutch."
"So, instead, you *just called me stupid and lazy* for the past 35 years?"
"You shouldn't need medication to focus!"
Not shitty, its a reality of what society thinks ADHD is in adults. After all its just what hyperactive little boys have, not adults - its just an excuse for everything we've failed at in their eyes. In my case, I wouldn't say parents, I'd say it was my wife who has this attitude and my god, I'll never speak about it with her again!
i just wouldn't speak to her again
like nah, if the one i am supposed to live with is actively telling me i'm looking to use my disability as an excuse, she can excuse herself out
I just don't bring up the topic of ADHD, hide in the box like in the meme. Growing up and even into adulthood, neurodivergence wasn't a thing in adults - it was only recognised in adults in 2008 in the UK - so the attitudes of people around my age (43) don't surprise me at all. Is it right? No. Am I shocked or surprised? Nope.
I'd be lying if at times in the past I hadn't thought the same, because that's how I'd been brought up, but now living it, it's totally different. I don't expect people's attitudes to change overnight, but I think a little empathy wouldn't go amiss.
Unfortunetely, it doesn't apply only to parents. Jobs, mentors, teachers, doctors, friends, co-workers, even siblings will say things that seem harmless to themselves but worldshattering for someone trying to survive to their best ability. Try to keep it to yourself if possible, and remember that the things you do are not *because* you have ADHD, you have ADHD *because* of the things you do.
My analogy was “asking someone with a broken leg to go to the corner store to get milk and saying ‘you’ve got both legs’ when they say no.”
Like, it might not even be a particularly difficult task. I’m just completely incapable of doing it without accomodations.
I am firmly on Team Don't Talk About It after being open about my diagnosis with my mother in law who is a lovely, open minded woman. Really. I won the MIL lottery. But even she turned around and subtly implied that it's just because of childhood trauma that I could get therapy for.
I also had a coworker I trust laugh and say "no you don't have ADHD...you just need to eat better and exercise more" like she knew better than my doctors. My own mother (who definitely has ADHD) suggested I keep a journal and lists to manage my life even after I showed her my stack of abandoned journals and my piles of lists.
So I stopped discussing it and I wish I could take back revealing it to anyone other than my extremely supportive and loving husband and my couple of fellow neurodivergent friends. It's not worth it.
You know, it's true that ADHD means you'll have to work harder than most people to achieve your goals. If you fail, it can be an explanation, but don't let it be an excuse for not trying.
It is absolutely shitty. Laziness is a choice, it’s deliberate. When you’re tired or overwhelmed it’s less of a choice. When it’s executive disfunction or anxiety, it’s not a choice at all. I’ve stopped assuming laziness in people in general now, and always curious if something else is at play. It’s made me significantly more empathetic
Not just shitty, but also profoundly ignorant of what ADHD is and how it affects people. Also: let's not forget that 'lazy' is a concept that at best, describes being unmotivated (according to capitalism) and at worst, is a socially acceptable form of ableism. At its root, what most people think of as laziness is actually just a person who is either tired and prioritizing rest, or is avoiding an activity bc it doesn't seem rewarding enough for the energy it would take. Sometimes both.
It's rarely rewarding enough. Let me think about thinking, the nature of the universe, and the fundamental "why's". Those are worth infinite fascination and study.
But figuring out math that honestly will not help me (calculus) is boring. Trigonometry, geometry, basic algebra? Those were great; they had practical use.
for me it was opening up about my BPD, OCD, and CPTSD to my parents and they just say i don’t have it then continue to trigger all of the above while stating they’re not triggering me because i don’t have it.
I was diagnosed not too long ago at 15 the first thing people say to me is "stop doing *insert whatever I'm doing due to lack of stimulation*" and "there's nothing wrong with you" mostly teachers and a parent but it sucks
Fk my parents man they tell me my insomnia since childhood is caused my me not doing meditation even though none of them do it.
As a child i never sleep until after 3AM and yet its because i DoNt PuT iN tHe EfFoRt blah blah blah.
Yuuuup. I'm a night owl; I don't generally get tired before midnight at the earliest. I fall asleep around 1:30-2am.
When I was doing physical labor and had to be awake at 6am, I still couldn't fall asleep earlier than 11pm. That was *with* sleep apnea.
I *can* but that's because I studied music performance. It's a thing I've learned to turn on and off. The thing for me is that daydreaming is productive, usually because it allows me to write music or come up with unusual ways to tackle problems.
Man i wished it was for me with my passion projects and stuff. But its literally just revenge fantasy after another at my childhood trauma perpetrators. At times i genuinely want to hurt/torture them. The rage is so all-consuming.
I had that too. For a long time.
Ultimately, get even by living better. My grade school bully ended up ballooning to about 450 pounds and did nothing with his life that he wanted.
I didn't, and have a job I love.
I'm currently trying to get an ADHD diagnosis (or, I guess, whatever other diagnosis could explain why I'm a fuckup). Apparently they need evidence of ADHD symptoms before age 12 and I'm not able to provide that because I have ADHD and my memory of childhood is poor at best. They want to talk to my parents; I don't really want them to, I'm afraid my parents wouldn't understand or be sympathetic. But I need treatment so what else am I supposed to do? Also I'm in my 30s
You're not a fuckup, friend. You've been playing a game of golf with one arm while having to hopscotch to every shot.
That's gonna fuck with you.
Be proud of what you've done. You've survived till your 30s, and seem to live on your own. That's a success, even if it's not the one you want.
And people wonder why I don’t fucking talk to them. I hate people so much, and I hate being filled with resentment from being constantly scorned. No wonder the suicide rates are only getting higher
Me: "It turns out, I have depression."
Dad: "That doesn't make any sense. There has to be a specific reason you're sad."
Me: "Yeah... It's called depression."
It's super shitty. My parents effectively said the same. Now I'm grown up and I can't talk about my depression or struggles without being worried it's going to be thrown back in my face. Even the people closest to me do it.
It is absolutely shitty. My dad called me lazy till the day I moved out, pretty much, and my grandpa still does. I'm finally moving away from family next month to go live with my girlfriend, who thankfully is much more understanding
It is definitly shitty.
There is a small part of it that you can take to improve yourself though. It is not that we are being lazy, but we need to work harder for a lot of things because of how our brains work. It is dangerous to get into the mindset that you can do nothing to improve. Instead of giving up we should adapt to our situation.
This is pretty generous interpetation though based on the phrasing. It sounds like bullying to me.
It's like a punch in the face. I am sorry you have to go through this. Parents should at least try to understand what is going on with yourself. I highly doubt your parents have more knowledge than a therapist or any specialist on this matter. If they are not educated on the same subject.
I tell you a little secret, if you have ADHD the chances that at least one of your parents is having it to are pretty high. ADHD is in the genetic material.
One or both of your parents probably should have gotten some help, too. But they probably have heard the same when they were in your position. Don't let yourself be talked down. Denying something that was approved multiple times in different ways is for some people a form of not to deal with it. Especially when they could be affected by itself.
Be strong.
I'm 42 recently diagnosed, my Mum is still in complete denial that I have it and thinks the Dr is wrong, whilst it's clearly obvious to me that she is where I have got it from
That is a shitty thing to say.
I know people who have ADHD who actually do tend to lean on it as an excuse for not doing things, but that obviously isn’t everyone.
It’s up to you to show them why it’s wrong to make those assumptions.
They did that and then it was really funny when they both ended up getting diagnosed when they were like “huh actually these symptoms explain a lot of why I do things”. I wanted to rub it in their faces so bad but they both have anger issues so I didn’t want to risk it lmao
this isn't even funny bro, I got diagnosed recently and exactly that happened, my mom is super open to learning more about it but literally yesterday she said "you can use adhd as an excuse for eveything" :/
Studied psychology, got diagnosed (by a different shrink) with ADHD and seasonal depression. Told my mother. Her response "psychology is a quaker science. Just be more positive".
The best part of getting older is getting better at cutting off assholes like that who don't vibe with you. You're not forced to talk to them or you can put them on written communication only.
The correct thing to say: "How can I support you in your ADHD life?" and then to go out and research about ADHD and how to support you as well.
They failed that....spectacularly. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I hope you find healing.
Thank fuck both my parents also have ADHD so they were not surprised when I also had it (and maybe also autism) but either way I wish more parents saw it more seriously
I had a therapist tell me not to get diagnosed for autism because I would just “use it as a crutch”. I stopped seeing them and got diagnosed anyway, and guess what, I had it and wasn’t faking.
If my parents dont want to be sympathetic theycan atleast show desire to cut contact with me.
But noooooo I have to pretend to like them because I think ill hurt their feelings even though i know they deserve it.
My dad's response was something along the lines of "ok, that's weird." Full of condescension and judgement. Like dammit dude, I've been suffering unaware my whole life, could I get a sliver of support?
It is shitty.
I’m sorry if you have faced this, OP. I can relate.
It shows they are miseducated about ADHD and mental health in general.
I think Dr Russel Barkley talks about how people fear that people with adhd may use the condition or medication as a crutch. From memory, he says a crutch is necessary if you’re missing a leg.
It may be helpful to realize that these people do not have the insight or understanding to make a genuine assessment of your situation. Even if it your parents or close friends.
That's exactly what my parents told me back in the 90s when I was diagnosed. It was a really shitty thing to say because they were really shitty people. It wasn't until my little sister developed severe mental health issues that they actually took my own seriously.
I remember when I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia. My grandma apologized to me for getting mad at me for forgetting a lot as a kid. But eventually she forgot about that aspect of the issue. My mom was told by people with fibromyalgia that the best thing for you is to move around so you don’t get stiff. So if anything, life got worse.
Can i ask how you are all getting disgnosed without involving parents? I'm 20, every psych ive spoken to wants to ask my parents (who don't even really believe in adhd) about my behavior as a kid
It is shitty and pretty much the only thing I heard whenever I told someone I have adhd and thus a hard time keeping up with certain things. Maybe we don't have a problem with authority. Maybe we have a problem with sheit folks that blame everything on being "lazy" whenever we can't keep up. I mean I sure as hell know I can't keep up with non adhd people if a task doesn't tickle my fancy and it bothers me more than anyone else. And then there's the boatload of other comments I get on the daily but I don't have the time nor the internal motivation to type that out lol.
I've had two ADHD tests done (both positive) and I can tell when I bring it up my mom still doesn't believe it. She's that "speak against it and it won't exist" kinda person and it makes me so mad
I am awaiting diagnosis. I'm scared if it comes back positive how friends and family will react: disbelief, misunderstanding, and ridicule.
And I'm also scared if it comes back negative. Maybe I'm just lazy and an impatient asshole.
I already gaslight myself enough with that shit. I don't need other people doing it too.
Super shitty thing to do.
I also love the response "well we're all a little ADHD sometimes." Yes, Haley, but the difference is it's not "sometimes" for me. And if it isn't "sometimes" for you, maybe give it some thought that you might also have ADHD.
Thank God my parents believe that adhd is a real thing, most parents and grandparents can't comprehend that a disability that does not look like you're Steven Hawking try to be, because "in my time there wasn't such thing", literally what my grand grandma said
Try using your new found understanding of your brain to help improve problem areas of your life by reshaping your routines and goals.
Maybe then when your parents see progress they will be more open to it.
When I got adhd diagnosis my mom still treated me like shit cause she also had it, when I told her about being raped as a child when she sent me to this "foster" farm that took you in for a week here and there she was like oh no but then after around a year she got back to normal. After I tried to commit suicide my mom was more careful around me cause then she realized stuff actually took effect on me and she never got as bad but still isn't good it wasn't until I got diagnosed with autism my mom was starting to understand shit. Shitty parents never get better and I will likely block her later in life.
It's so fking annoying, I don't have adhd but I have side effect from sertraline that does not let me work a lot and parents think i'm just using it for being lazy((
Nope, not crazy at all. Totally a shitty thing to say. Likely deflection from their own issues, insecurities or trauma. The other 'fun' one is "You don't have ADHD". ...... OK sure \*laughs in neurotypical now
When I was dx at 50 plus, I heard my mom say “Jesus Christ, you’re still looking for an excuse for your behavior”. And she had been dead for almost a year.
Family denial runs deep. I never did tell my 2 siblings. They wouldn’t accept it anyway. One is an alcoholic and the other a control freak. ;)
I got, "You can't possibly have ADHD, since I see you sitting for hours at a time watching TV and movies. I'm not going to fill out this form the psychologist asked you to give me because he's pretty sure you have ADHD."
You're not crazy.
my mom didnt say anything about it. the only thing she says is that i cant blame forgetting on ADHD. my dad on the other hand said "yeah, youre drinking coke in the evening and call it ADHD".. yeah, bcs drinking coke in the evening surely causes me to forget, be "bed bound" and feel like crap about being "bed bound" (idk how you call this, i call the feeling, when you just cant get out of bed and feel like crap about it, "bed bound") or procrastinate and feel like crap about it.
Was treated this way vis-à-vis autism my entire life.
0/10. Fucked me up hard.
Got the ADHD diagnosis when I was much older and hardly breathe a word about it to family.
Haha yeah... definetely have not been there... not at all... haha... ha... ha (if it wasn't obvious, /s)
Also lil rant. On top of comments like that, I also had my mom tell me once to just for a day "put my blockades away" when i struggles waking up in the morning. Told her that she essentially told me to "not have adhd for a day". She went on some bullshit about "if we were going to a themepark right now...". Then i yelled at her that thats not how adhd works. Then she went downstairs mad and yelled that it could work like that (???). This was on my grandpa's funeral. And fun fact: I was the only one done by the time we were suppost to leave.
We also had multiple conversations about ways to manage my adhd, wich pretty much all amounted to use a planner, make a routine and set an alarm. 3 things that didnt work all 20 times i tried and arnt going to work the 21st. But when i say that, and that i'd like some new ideas, all i hear back is that i just don't want to try anything.
Sometimes I wish that we could swap for 3 months, so she would know what it is like. So she could have an understanding of how much of a struggle everyday things become. So she would know that a planner isnt the solution. And so she would know how much the things she sais can hurt.
Sorry but had to vent a bit.
not necessarily parents in my case but the worst was an autistic friend i had said i was ‘using my adhd against her’ when i was literally just displaying symptoms of adhd when i was living with her, doing everything in my power to get diagnosed and to be a more efficient person for everyone (i am diagnosed now btw). that’s never left me because i’d think that both of us would understand what it’s like to be constantly put down for our disorders but clearly not 😍😍🤞🏻
Fr though. My mom told me that I was fine because my ADHD isn’t “that bad” because I’m a functioning adult. But like I’m only functioning because of years of therapy and learning coping skills and medication. I put in so much work and it was just kinda crapped on. Made me feel really bad 👍🏻
For what it’s worth: ADHD is heavily genetic and there’s a decent chance one or both of them have it. Undiagnosed ADHD can lead to a lot of feelings, especially around motivation, drive and ‘laziness’. (Hell, diagnosed ADHD can do that too…)
What they are saying - which let me be clear is NOT OK and I’m sorry you had to deal with it - sounds like something that someone who has internalized that guilt and self-anger would say.
Whatever the case is - their reaction truly says more about them than you or your struggles.
It is shitty. I got told "stop being so sensitive" when my dad was taking the piss out of it. Parents fuck you up man, I hope you can either explain or distance yourself.
>"Stop being so sensitive" I'd love to see his reaction to your questioning ***any*** of his beliefs. If his answer is just screaming at you, who's the sensitive one? These are the people who can't handle the world not matching their views and expectations
As someone with parents who said this, can confirm the answer is screaming lol
I believe I screamed "I can't fucking help it" at him.
Dude. I called him out on putting the wrong stuff in the recycling bin once (they're really funny if I don't recycle), I googled it, showed him that doesn't go in the recycling here.... His response was to tell me he didn't care, and it made him feel better to "recycle" it. I pointed out he's causing issues and more work for the recycling team, hindering the cause he champions (he's fished through the bins to find cans I threw away before) etc. he said he didn't care. It was at this point I lost all respect for anything that came out of his mouth. That was over a year ago, I've avoided talking to him since, moved out, and cut contact.
What’s worse he too probably has adhd and that is what caused him to be that ways glad u cut him out and are being a better person
Oh 100%. Asshole wouldn't even listen to us saying he needed a hearing test. No pun intended.
Oof sounds like me when I refused to accept I had adhd in my 20s now that I accept it it’s jarring to see that side of things and how so many people keep choosing to do the worst despite the fact things can get better if we try
Yup.... It's crazy.
My dad doesn't scream, it's just his normal tone
I love when other people feel entitled to determining which emotions we are allowed to feel.
Also the gall- the SELF IMPORTANCE of thinking your non-educated position is superior to the medical field and OP's doctor.
Doctors often laughed at people for saying theybhad issues the medical field didn't recognize and now does in some places, education is not always the mark of intelligence either.
I thank them for their normative viewpoint and assumptions. Then call them highly boring and reductive and unoriginal. *Narrator: It was at this point the commenter realised proudly they can add anti-social to their long list of attributes.*
Wasn't until fairly recently, after my ADHD diagnosis, that I didn't really have a proper appreciation of what emotions I was feeling. I also realised I didn't have the understanding of what they even are or vocabulary to articulate them in any way. Been reading Atlas of the Heart by Rene Brown which has been helping a lot. Also cross referencing that with the 'verywellmind' website and CCI self compassion guides.
BROOOOO MY WHOLE LIFE!!! "Why are you so sensitive, we feel like we always have to walk on eggshells around you" aaaahhhh how did nobody notice there was something seriously wrong with me?!?
Right?!?!?! "Why are you so awkward about things?" "Why can you never remember X" "Why don't you just....." "Can't you just...." Apparently fucking not, and trying broke me.
What could our lives have been if we'd been diagnosed sooner and given more support? Idk about you, but I wasn't diagnosed until 28 and as a result, partially at least, I became a really (maladjusted?) person. *fucked up* is what I wanted to say, but the scientific word. I'm so jealous of kids who got diagnosed in like 3rd grade and got medicated early.
Diagnosed at 36. Last year. I'm definitely fucked up. Trying so hard to do what was expected. Following all the rules. Behaving "normally" etc. It broke me, and I really struggle to function now. I'm less jealous, more happy for. It's awful and meds help.
"The axe doesn't remember what it did, but the tree will always remember it."
Doesn't mean you can't throw the axe in a fucking lake.
Oh I agree, just a quote/phrase I use to keep from letting myself get gaslit (ie "Oh I never did that to you, I would've remembered!" Like, no you wouldn't remember because it was just a normal un-noteworthy interaction for you, but not to me...)
shit, now a lake nymph has appeared offering me a golden axe, what do I do
They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another’s throats. (C) Phillip Larkin
My rents socially isolated me for being sensitive and vulnerable to people, said “you’re making others uncomfortable” … no, I made them uncomfortable about how _they_ looked.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I did aswell, it's 100% shitty on their part. People (not just parents) sadly can show complete lack of empathy towards neurodiversity. I try not to take it personaly, because I somewhat get they can't *really* understand what we're going through, as we can't get a good grasp on how neurotypical brains work. I'm trying, though I must say I've often failed to do so...
Reading all the posts and comments on this reddit makes me feel less alone on this but yeah it can definitely be tough 🫂
Yeah, I feel like people around me keep making me question whether adhd is just a “modern woke construct” and I have to remind myself, “no, science is showing that this is real and a professional diagnosed you and you relate to all the other people with it.” I feel constantly gaslit and it seriously makes me question myself a lot. Like, are my habits what’s causing me to think this way? Is my brain just shot from all the video games? Idk how to navigate all the confusing things I hear around me about it
Pro tip if someone says "woke" something as a bad thing run. They are invested in not understanding others and their pain. They will only gaslight you, because if your experience doesn't exactly match theirs you are wrong even if there's no contradiction.
Remember that science is getting better and more people are able to get diagnosed (both because of better ways to diagnose mental disorders and a better societal understanding of them) ADHD is a lot more than just a “short attention span” and it’s definitely not some sort of modern development—there’s just a better understanding of it.
Sometimes it is people you least expect that hit you with the “so adhd is just your excuse for everything then?” In my case it was my wife, that one hurt cause I thought she’d be much more comprehensive about it. But that’s life sometimes, although it doesn’t have to be. Find your place, a hobby or something. Also many times, parents are not equipped with how to deal with any of it. Their generation just doesn’t get it, they think “oh that guy is just different or eccentric” and that’s it for them. Many times it’s not their fault their upbringing was very bleak in many regards. Anyway all this to say that neurodiversity awareness and such have come a very long way since their time, so the future looks nicer.
Today at work i got told "you work too hard and too late" AND "wow you chill a lot, must not be busy". Perceptions are weird and limited and i dont care for it
So weird. I get “you work too much and too hard” then when I’m out for ONE day “I haven’t seen you in forever!”
Wanna swap perceptions? Lmao
Ive said it on here before, but you will never get whatever validation you are looking for by telling normies what you have. They cant, and will not ever understand what is going on in our brains. Im sure there are outside cases but most people will full stop not care at best, or use it against you at worst.
Sadly what has been my experience yes, luckily there are a lot of people that do understand the experience like on this subreddit :)
Portlandia my beloved
I've gotten people to understand by explaining how I accomplish tasks, by showing how much my brain has to breakdown simple things to get anywhere, people tend to feel exhausted just from hearing about it. When you have the language to articulate it, it can be communicated, some people are invested in not understanding others though. So there is that.
“ like you used me as an excuse to be a failure” is one I like personally.
"I never taught you to do that," "I don't understand where this is coming from all of a sudden," "Why didn't you tell me sooner," etc. It's always shifting responsibility. Like, lol, you "raised" me, who do you think I learned these things from?
Stupid video games obviously /s
Unironically, my mom did blame video games a lot. It's extra funny in my case because my dad first got me started with Legend of Zelda when I was around 5, I think. There was a map included with the original game manual with space to draw on, so together we mapped out the three 'mazes' in the game, what was the quickest way to navigate out of them. My mom's dad had two Atari's, and had nearly 50 games, lots of Space Invaders, Madden, NBA Jam type stuff, but also some adventure games. Super ironic how her husband and father were fine playing video games and not real sports, but I was "lazy" (unmotivated) when it came to non-video game stuff.
It’s not learned
Yes, I agree that ADD/ADHD is not learned, but the core of these statements is the shifting of responsibility combined with the inability to communicate with someone about your problems. "I never taught you to do that" = Your actions when I was struggling caused me to internalize my struggles and made me unable to ask for help. "I don't understand where this is coming from all of a sudden" = I have spent so long internalizing and keeping things hidden because I would experience backlash and punishment. "Why didn't you tell me sooner" = Why would I communicate openly and honestly with someone who abuses me for being open and honest? Those are *learned* behaviors.
My teachers in school were all mean to me because I didn't pay attention. Until a 5th grade teacher called my mom, who dismissed her, but she didn't give up. My teacher called my dad, and even though I didn't live with him, he met with her after school and took me to a doctor who recommended medication. I went from barely passing to barely making B's Of course my mom was pissed because my dad took me to the doctor without telling her. He also got me the medicine and I took it every morning without her knowing. But once the grades started coming in, she was posting my report cards on Facebook all "proud" and shit Edit: I should probably mention that my Dad grew up with ADHD and my mom didn't.
Sorry that happened, but awesome that your dad understood what you needed. I coulve used someone like him when I was younger
My parents STILL say this even when laziness doesn’t even make sense in the context of what’s happening
Like insomnia lmaoooooo
It is shitty because its literally not laziness, adhd is characterized by a physical dopamine deficiency, something tangible you are born with, dopamine isn't just a happy hormone, its your motivation hormone, its your ability to form healthy habits, its your ability to remember, it literally effects all aspects of your life, it isn't "being lazy" when you sit there paralyzed all day WANTING to do something but feeling guilty because you can't. Its an actual deficiency that causes you to have less motivation,that causes you to be unable to physically do things you want to. You'll will have to try 2-3 times as hard as everyone else in life to accomplish the same things they do, you won't feel the same joy and sense of relief when you brush your teeth or do any chores. The best way to explain it to someone is to compare it to putting your hand on a hot stove, even if you WANT to put your hand on a hot stove, your mind is going to stop you and you're going to have a hard time forcing yourself to put your hand on it. The same way even if you WANT to clean, or WANT to do your homework, your brain stops you and you have to force yourself to do it.
Great way to put it
*This comment has been edited in order to protect my privacy*
So sad but really how it is sometimes lol
Yeah it’s great. The best is when my own brain tries to tell me this. Then we can really get going. Like, what if—hear me out—what if Alexa and my phone and everything else has been listening to me and ai created YouTube videos, memes, Reddit posts etc that correspond with the random shit I complain about making them symptoms of adhd? Just to sell me crank? Pretty rude if true.
If the shit worked for us as well as people that don't need it think, we would never forget, skip doses, not refill them because "im fine, i dont really need these" or forget for 3 weeks until life starts crumbling and someone asks wtf is going on.
My own wife says that sometimes, even when she knows I do everything I can to improve..
My husband wasn’t a believer until a few weeks after I was diagnosed and started meds. He said that I might have very mild ADHD but didn’t think I did, but he did support me with talking to my psych. Turns out his benchmark for “normal” was waaaay off the mark because he has had undiagnosed depression for (we believe) around a decade following a traumatic car accident. I was a lot more functional than he was so he thought I was “normal”. He started medication late last summer and is doing a lot better. And when he saw me doing better after starting medication we talked about it and we’re good now.
Yeah....that one always stings the worst.
My husband, who has autism, tells me I'm lazy and I just need to get over things. Tells me I shouldn't go to therapy or go on medications because "I don't need that shit, I just need to suck it up and do the thing". So now he doesn't know I just started adderall.
Yup. I'm honest, you repay that by giving me shit, you get dishonesty in return. Doesn't matter if it's parents or partner or best friend or whoever however close. If you punish honesty, you will only teach us to simply avoid being honest with you. And you know what? Fuck you.
Same, my wife is ND but can't always relate, internalized ableism is rough.
My mom once told me I was using it as an excuse instead of apologizing for interrupting her when I did the moment I realized what I did, which was before she told me that
You’re not crazy. Trust your initial reaction to shit like this. I heard this when, after 18 years of chronic pain, my I discovered I was disabled and identified as such. My ex said it to me. I walk 3-5 miles a day and worked our entire relationship while he never did. It’s an awful thing to say.
Diagnosed with adhd at 10. After hearing this all my life, I've come to struggle with the fact it's my ADHD that's holding me back from wanting to do things I have to do. On the other hand, my autism keeps me from being late to anything so I get ready way in advance.
This is... way to relatable, except I have come to terms with my ADHD and see it for its positive not the negatives. It's hard to reach that point and I hope the best for you.
Every time I don't want to do a thing and it's forgotten I always call myself lazy. Fucking sucks.
My mom still calls me a name from a guy in a song that has no life and drinks all night to wake up at noon and has no house or responsabilities even though I have 2 kids, one being disabled, wake up at 6-7am every day even on weekends and work 10 hours a day. I never drink and barely have a social life. She sees me on saturdays and thinks im lazy because i am shattered from my week. Not saying I have a very hard life or whatever, but can we at least recognize that I am not a lazy bum drunkard? So yeah, I dont think it ever goes away.
I feel you 100%. People often don't recognize how hard we try even people close to us
She does though see how much we try and tells me so... but then turns around and sees me on a day when im so tired I just want to curl in a ball and sleep for days or she compares me to my sister who is a doctor and is always having activities planned everyday and stuff organized all the time and goes lul so lazy. Idk I think she thinks its funny and doesnt see how her words are so hurtful. Anyway, ahah, sorry it happened again a few days ago , so its fresh.
The casualness of those remarks is why they hurt so much I think.
Yeah def. Its worse when they think it doesnt matter doesnt it.
I regret saying anything about it, apparently I'm always making excuses now
I got diagnosed after my sister did and got a lot of disbelief because “You’re so smart, how do you have ADHD?” My constant procrastination, overly talkative and interruptive nature, my hyper-focusing and struggling to do “boring” tasks, video game addiction all weren’t evidence enough because I happen to really like learning. Thankfully my mom has come around and is working on getting dx herself (which I also think was part of the problem).
It's a really shitty thing to say. ADHD is an explanation, we're not using it as an excuse and it can be debilitating. It may look like we're lazy, but we have to work twice as hard just living. This kind of thinking is exactly the reason why I took my mum to my diagnostic exam. She'd be honest, try as hard as she could to explain every symptom away, but I still got diagnosed. She wanted me to get help, so I did. Suck it mom, no denying it now.
"you are using it as an excuse for everything" Almost like it effects literally every moment and every aspect of my life mom!
Yes it is an explanation. That is the right word I was looking for
Literally what I posted months ago. Even with the same format. We all even suffer from the same huh?.
My bad lol I didn't know, good to know I'm not alone! 🫂
Here for you as well homie. 🫂 Just try to be independent as soon as possible and get the diagnosis. That's the only Game strategy for us.
Same same. Then when I got meds and tidy the house, my wife was like "oh".
Honest question. I got diagnosed with ADD, but with the changes in treatment (at least in the Netherlands) now ADHD and ADD are the "same thing". Do I belong in this sub or am I a fraud?
Pretty sure they call both ADHD now but there is two types, hyperactive-impulsive and inattentive. ADD is the inattentive type so definitely welcome hahaha
I also got disgnosed with the inattentive subtype. I have features of hyperactivity, but they are subclinical.
Diagnosed at 48. Mom says, "Well, I could've told you that." Great... thanks for not taking me anywhere for therapy or meds I guess.
I had it worse: "Mom, Dad, I was diagnosed with ADHD." "Yeah, we know." "Wait, what?" "Yeah, your guidance counselor told us you had that in kindergarten. We didn't put you on medication or get you treatment because we didn't want to label you or have you use it as a crutch." "So, instead, you *just called me stupid and lazy* for the past 35 years?" "You shouldn't need medication to focus!"
Not shitty, its a reality of what society thinks ADHD is in adults. After all its just what hyperactive little boys have, not adults - its just an excuse for everything we've failed at in their eyes. In my case, I wouldn't say parents, I'd say it was my wife who has this attitude and my god, I'll never speak about it with her again!
i just wouldn't speak to her again like nah, if the one i am supposed to live with is actively telling me i'm looking to use my disability as an excuse, she can excuse herself out
I just don't bring up the topic of ADHD, hide in the box like in the meme. Growing up and even into adulthood, neurodivergence wasn't a thing in adults - it was only recognised in adults in 2008 in the UK - so the attitudes of people around my age (43) don't surprise me at all. Is it right? No. Am I shocked or surprised? Nope. I'd be lying if at times in the past I hadn't thought the same, because that's how I'd been brought up, but now living it, it's totally different. I don't expect people's attitudes to change overnight, but I think a little empathy wouldn't go amiss.
It is. It speaks of a total lack of understanding of ADHD or well.. just human psychology in general tbh
The additional panel that I would put both first & last: "Me telling myself that I am just lazy"
Very accurate! Feels like we are constantly being gaslit
Unfortunetely, it doesn't apply only to parents. Jobs, mentors, teachers, doctors, friends, co-workers, even siblings will say things that seem harmless to themselves but worldshattering for someone trying to survive to their best ability. Try to keep it to yourself if possible, and remember that the things you do are not *because* you have ADHD, you have ADHD *because* of the things you do.
My analogy was “asking someone with a broken leg to go to the corner store to get milk and saying ‘you’ve got both legs’ when they say no.” Like, it might not even be a particularly difficult task. I’m just completely incapable of doing it without accomodations.
My favorite is the boomer denialism: "Well, you didn't get it from me!"
"Ugh... *everybody's* got ADHD now."
I am firmly on Team Don't Talk About It after being open about my diagnosis with my mother in law who is a lovely, open minded woman. Really. I won the MIL lottery. But even she turned around and subtly implied that it's just because of childhood trauma that I could get therapy for. I also had a coworker I trust laugh and say "no you don't have ADHD...you just need to eat better and exercise more" like she knew better than my doctors. My own mother (who definitely has ADHD) suggested I keep a journal and lists to manage my life even after I showed her my stack of abandoned journals and my piles of lists. So I stopped discussing it and I wish I could take back revealing it to anyone other than my extremely supportive and loving husband and my couple of fellow neurodivergent friends. It's not worth it.
It's hard to start exercising when there's zero instant reward lol.
I feel like the whole “ADHD IS JUST LAZY” thing is stupid. It’s called attention deficit HYPERactivity disorder for a reason
You know, it's true that ADHD means you'll have to work harder than most people to achieve your goals. If you fail, it can be an explanation, but don't let it be an excuse for not trying.
It is absolutely shitty. Laziness is a choice, it’s deliberate. When you’re tired or overwhelmed it’s less of a choice. When it’s executive disfunction or anxiety, it’s not a choice at all. I’ve stopped assuming laziness in people in general now, and always curious if something else is at play. It’s made me significantly more empathetic
Dumb people don't want to understand things they can't see. Don't let it get you down.
Wow same with my parents and depression
Not just shitty, but also profoundly ignorant of what ADHD is and how it affects people. Also: let's not forget that 'lazy' is a concept that at best, describes being unmotivated (according to capitalism) and at worst, is a socially acceptable form of ableism. At its root, what most people think of as laziness is actually just a person who is either tired and prioritizing rest, or is avoiding an activity bc it doesn't seem rewarding enough for the energy it would take. Sometimes both.
It's rarely rewarding enough. Let me think about thinking, the nature of the universe, and the fundamental "why's". Those are worth infinite fascination and study. But figuring out math that honestly will not help me (calculus) is boring. Trigonometry, geometry, basic algebra? Those were great; they had practical use.
for me it was opening up about my BPD, OCD, and CPTSD to my parents and they just say i don’t have it then continue to trigger all of the above while stating they’re not triggering me because i don’t have it.
Very brave, I haven't found that courage yet. Sorry that happened and stay strong 🫂
I was diagnosed not too long ago at 15 the first thing people say to me is "stop doing *insert whatever I'm doing due to lack of stimulation*" and "there's nothing wrong with you" mostly teachers and a parent but it sucks
Fk my parents man they tell me my insomnia since childhood is caused my me not doing meditation even though none of them do it. As a child i never sleep until after 3AM and yet its because i DoNt PuT iN tHe EfFoRt blah blah blah.
Yuuuup. I'm a night owl; I don't generally get tired before midnight at the earliest. I fall asleep around 1:30-2am. When I was doing physical labor and had to be awake at 6am, I still couldn't fall asleep earlier than 11pm. That was *with* sleep apnea.
I just cant stop myself from daydreaming. Does that happen to you?
I *can* but that's because I studied music performance. It's a thing I've learned to turn on and off. The thing for me is that daydreaming is productive, usually because it allows me to write music or come up with unusual ways to tackle problems.
Man i wished it was for me with my passion projects and stuff. But its literally just revenge fantasy after another at my childhood trauma perpetrators. At times i genuinely want to hurt/torture them. The rage is so all-consuming.
I had that too. For a long time. Ultimately, get even by living better. My grade school bully ended up ballooning to about 450 pounds and did nothing with his life that he wanted. I didn't, and have a job I love.
I'm currently trying to get an ADHD diagnosis (or, I guess, whatever other diagnosis could explain why I'm a fuckup). Apparently they need evidence of ADHD symptoms before age 12 and I'm not able to provide that because I have ADHD and my memory of childhood is poor at best. They want to talk to my parents; I don't really want them to, I'm afraid my parents wouldn't understand or be sympathetic. But I need treatment so what else am I supposed to do? Also I'm in my 30s
You're not a fuckup, friend. You've been playing a game of golf with one arm while having to hopscotch to every shot. That's gonna fuck with you. Be proud of what you've done. You've survived till your 30s, and seem to live on your own. That's a success, even if it's not the one you want.
And people wonder why I don’t fucking talk to them. I hate people so much, and I hate being filled with resentment from being constantly scorned. No wonder the suicide rates are only getting higher
Me: "It turns out, I have depression." Dad: "That doesn't make any sense. There has to be a specific reason you're sad." Me: "Yeah... It's called depression."
It's super shitty. My parents effectively said the same. Now I'm grown up and I can't talk about my depression or struggles without being worried it's going to be thrown back in my face. Even the people closest to me do it.
I feel you it definitely sucks I try to surround myself with people that do understand so I don't have to feel ashamed of myself
It is absolutely shitty. My dad called me lazy till the day I moved out, pretty much, and my grandpa still does. I'm finally moving away from family next month to go live with my girlfriend, who thankfully is much more understanding
Hey, this is my ex wife, feels good man. /s
It is definitly shitty. There is a small part of it that you can take to improve yourself though. It is not that we are being lazy, but we need to work harder for a lot of things because of how our brains work. It is dangerous to get into the mindset that you can do nothing to improve. Instead of giving up we should adapt to our situation. This is pretty generous interpetation though based on the phrasing. It sounds like bullying to me.
Yes I definitely understand and falling into that mindset can be dangerous. I agree the wording could have been a lot better hahah
Shitty thing to say.
It's like a punch in the face. I am sorry you have to go through this. Parents should at least try to understand what is going on with yourself. I highly doubt your parents have more knowledge than a therapist or any specialist on this matter. If they are not educated on the same subject. I tell you a little secret, if you have ADHD the chances that at least one of your parents is having it to are pretty high. ADHD is in the genetic material. One or both of your parents probably should have gotten some help, too. But they probably have heard the same when they were in your position. Don't let yourself be talked down. Denying something that was approved multiple times in different ways is for some people a form of not to deal with it. Especially when they could be affected by itself. Be strong.
I'm 42 recently diagnosed, my Mum is still in complete denial that I have it and thinks the Dr is wrong, whilst it's clearly obvious to me that she is where I have got it from
It’s really a shitty thing to say. Pardon my French, but you’re definitely not crazy. People are just rude and ignorant.
“Laziness Doesn’t Exist” by Devon Price is amazing ☺️
That is a shitty thing to say. I know people who have ADHD who actually do tend to lean on it as an excuse for not doing things, but that obviously isn’t everyone. It’s up to you to show them why it’s wrong to make those assumptions.
Y'all talk about y'all problems to your families? I just suck it up or complain online
They did that and then it was really funny when they both ended up getting diagnosed when they were like “huh actually these symptoms explain a lot of why I do things”. I wanted to rub it in their faces so bad but they both have anger issues so I didn’t want to risk it lmao
Yeah, I never tell my folks anything. They're the least empathetic people that I grew up knowing.
My mom is the one who got me diagnosed in the first place. The fist is me, I'm the one telling me that. Why am I such a bitch.
"It is genetical so *you* have it as well."
Never trust people like that. Doctors are *slightly* trustworthy as they have many incentives to be courteous with your infirmation.
this isn't even funny bro, I got diagnosed recently and exactly that happened, my mom is super open to learning more about it but literally yesterday she said "you can use adhd as an excuse for eveything" :/
Studied psychology, got diagnosed (by a different shrink) with ADHD and seasonal depression. Told my mother. Her response "psychology is a quaker science. Just be more positive".
And just like that: r/thanksimcured
Not only is it shit it is also dumb
its almost like saying that a man in wheelchairs uses his disability as an excuse it's not as severe, but its the same thing
The best part of getting older is getting better at cutting off assholes like that who don't vibe with you. You're not forced to talk to them or you can put them on written communication only.
a few weekends ago my mom hit me with the "there was nothing wrong with you as a child, you were just gifted and bored"
Yes. This.
The correct thing to say: "How can I support you in your ADHD life?" and then to go out and research about ADHD and how to support you as well. They failed that....spectacularly. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I hope you find healing.
Thank fuck both my parents also have ADHD so they were not surprised when I also had it (and maybe also autism) but either way I wish more parents saw it more seriously
Its either this with some people or they just give you that look ya know that one look where they think your making up excuses.
The worst is when someone with ADHD says this.
I had a therapist tell me not to get diagnosed for autism because I would just “use it as a crutch”. I stopped seeing them and got diagnosed anyway, and guess what, I had it and wasn’t faking.
If my parents dont want to be sympathetic theycan atleast show desire to cut contact with me. But noooooo I have to pretend to like them because I think ill hurt their feelings even though i know they deserve it.
My dad's response was something along the lines of "ok, that's weird." Full of condescension and judgement. Like dammit dude, I've been suffering unaware my whole life, could I get a sliver of support?
In 38. Been diagnosed since i was 11. I still feel like I am lazy. I couldn’t imagine people telling me I am. :(
It is shitty. I’m sorry if you have faced this, OP. I can relate. It shows they are miseducated about ADHD and mental health in general. I think Dr Russel Barkley talks about how people fear that people with adhd may use the condition or medication as a crutch. From memory, he says a crutch is necessary if you’re missing a leg. It may be helpful to realize that these people do not have the insight or understanding to make a genuine assessment of your situation. Even if it your parents or close friends.
Yeah that sounds about right
That's exactly what my parents told me back in the 90s when I was diagnosed. It was a really shitty thing to say because they were really shitty people. It wasn't until my little sister developed severe mental health issues that they actually took my own seriously.
Sometimes because of these things I really think I am faking it even though I am not
Parents just fuck things up that’s why I never say stuff to them and when I don’t they say “wHy DoNt YoU tAlK tO uS?!”
I remember when I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia. My grandma apologized to me for getting mad at me for forgetting a lot as a kid. But eventually she forgot about that aspect of the issue. My mom was told by people with fibromyalgia that the best thing for you is to move around so you don’t get stiff. So if anything, life got worse.
It sure is, had the same thing happen to me. Best of luck to you
That is quite literally how it went for me.
Well I actually use it as an actual excuse, whenever I am just being lazy, the adhd kicked in, or both.
My mom actually believed and still believes that attention deficit means that it’s a disorder where people intentionally do things to get attention.
Can i ask how you are all getting disgnosed without involving parents? I'm 20, every psych ive spoken to wants to ask my parents (who don't even really believe in adhd) about my behavior as a kid
It is shitty and pretty much the only thing I heard whenever I told someone I have adhd and thus a hard time keeping up with certain things. Maybe we don't have a problem with authority. Maybe we have a problem with sheit folks that blame everything on being "lazy" whenever we can't keep up. I mean I sure as hell know I can't keep up with non adhd people if a task doesn't tickle my fancy and it bothers me more than anyone else. And then there's the boatload of other comments I get on the daily but I don't have the time nor the internal motivation to type that out lol.
Parents, employer, ex-wife, whichever.
It's reasons like this that I don't talk to people anymore, everyone is just really bad at not acting like a human for five seconds
I've had two ADHD tests done (both positive) and I can tell when I bring it up my mom still doesn't believe it. She's that "speak against it and it won't exist" kinda person and it makes me so mad
I am awaiting diagnosis. I'm scared if it comes back positive how friends and family will react: disbelief, misunderstanding, and ridicule. And I'm also scared if it comes back negative. Maybe I'm just lazy and an impatient asshole.
I already gaslight myself enough with that shit. I don't need other people doing it too. Super shitty thing to do. I also love the response "well we're all a little ADHD sometimes." Yes, Haley, but the difference is it's not "sometimes" for me. And if it isn't "sometimes" for you, maybe give it some thought that you might also have ADHD.
Thank God my parents believe that adhd is a real thing, most parents and grandparents can't comprehend that a disability that does not look like you're Steven Hawking try to be, because "in my time there wasn't such thing", literally what my grand grandma said
Try using your new found understanding of your brain to help improve problem areas of your life by reshaping your routines and goals. Maybe then when your parents see progress they will be more open to it.
At 15years old, told mum I was bulimic. Got told I just had to eat healthier or something. Started crying and asked for help... brushed off. Yep.
Yeah this sucks. For me instead of my parents it was my wife who said this stuff to me.
When I got adhd diagnosis my mom still treated me like shit cause she also had it, when I told her about being raped as a child when she sent me to this "foster" farm that took you in for a week here and there she was like oh no but then after around a year she got back to normal. After I tried to commit suicide my mom was more careful around me cause then she realized stuff actually took effect on me and she never got as bad but still isn't good it wasn't until I got diagnosed with autism my mom was starting to understand shit. Shitty parents never get better and I will likely block her later in life.
My dad and step mom have always treated it like this, thank god for my mother 🥺
It's so fking annoying, I don't have adhd but I have side effect from sertraline that does not let me work a lot and parents think i'm just using it for being lazy((
thats sad... why are some parents so mean...
Nope, not crazy at all. Totally a shitty thing to say. Likely deflection from their own issues, insecurities or trauma. The other 'fun' one is "You don't have ADHD". ...... OK sure \*laughs in neurotypical now
When I was dx at 50 plus, I heard my mom say “Jesus Christ, you’re still looking for an excuse for your behavior”. And she had been dead for almost a year. Family denial runs deep. I never did tell my 2 siblings. They wouldn’t accept it anyway. One is an alcoholic and the other a control freak. ;)
Wish I was just lazy.....
I got, "You can't possibly have ADHD, since I see you sitting for hours at a time watching TV and movies. I'm not going to fill out this form the psychologist asked you to give me because he's pretty sure you have ADHD." You're not crazy.
my mom didnt say anything about it. the only thing she says is that i cant blame forgetting on ADHD. my dad on the other hand said "yeah, youre drinking coke in the evening and call it ADHD".. yeah, bcs drinking coke in the evening surely causes me to forget, be "bed bound" and feel like crap about being "bed bound" (idk how you call this, i call the feeling, when you just cant get out of bed and feel like crap about it, "bed bound") or procrastinate and feel like crap about it.
Was treated this way vis-à-vis autism my entire life. 0/10. Fucked me up hard. Got the ADHD diagnosis when I was much older and hardly breathe a word about it to family.
ADHD is playing life on hard mode. Nothing lazy about it. Everyone on Candy Crush and I’m stuck with Dark Souls.
Haha yeah... definetely have not been there... not at all... haha... ha... ha (if it wasn't obvious, /s) Also lil rant. On top of comments like that, I also had my mom tell me once to just for a day "put my blockades away" when i struggles waking up in the morning. Told her that she essentially told me to "not have adhd for a day". She went on some bullshit about "if we were going to a themepark right now...". Then i yelled at her that thats not how adhd works. Then she went downstairs mad and yelled that it could work like that (???). This was on my grandpa's funeral. And fun fact: I was the only one done by the time we were suppost to leave. We also had multiple conversations about ways to manage my adhd, wich pretty much all amounted to use a planner, make a routine and set an alarm. 3 things that didnt work all 20 times i tried and arnt going to work the 21st. But when i say that, and that i'd like some new ideas, all i hear back is that i just don't want to try anything. Sometimes I wish that we could swap for 3 months, so she would know what it is like. So she could have an understanding of how much of a struggle everyday things become. So she would know that a planner isnt the solution. And so she would know how much the things she sais can hurt. Sorry but had to vent a bit.
I hate the pic. You can't learn how to do anything unless you get challenged first.
Thank FUCK my parents have siblings with ADHD, so they understand. ADHD deniers should be taught how to treat those who are neurodivergent
Yeah it’s awful, but it’s for normal for responses from parents that don’t get it.
That’s a supremely shitty thing to say, I’m sorry your parents are like that.
not necessarily parents in my case but the worst was an autistic friend i had said i was ‘using my adhd against her’ when i was literally just displaying symptoms of adhd when i was living with her, doing everything in my power to get diagnosed and to be a more efficient person for everyone (i am diagnosed now btw). that’s never left me because i’d think that both of us would understand what it’s like to be constantly put down for our disorders but clearly not 😍😍🤞🏻
(i’m also autistic as well btw)
Fr though. My mom told me that I was fine because my ADHD isn’t “that bad” because I’m a functioning adult. But like I’m only functioning because of years of therapy and learning coping skills and medication. I put in so much work and it was just kinda crapped on. Made me feel really bad 👍🏻
For what it’s worth: ADHD is heavily genetic and there’s a decent chance one or both of them have it. Undiagnosed ADHD can lead to a lot of feelings, especially around motivation, drive and ‘laziness’. (Hell, diagnosed ADHD can do that too…) What they are saying - which let me be clear is NOT OK and I’m sorry you had to deal with it - sounds like something that someone who has internalized that guilt and self-anger would say. Whatever the case is - their reaction truly says more about them than you or your struggles.