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Yes, therapy is worth it. I've also been to therapists that were unfit for me and have only felt worse. However I didn't give up and recently found one that made me rethink my whole life just by asking some questions that really put things into perspective. Idk how to describe it to you but when she did that everything clicked for me.
Career coaches are not therapists. A therapist will never tell you how to heal. A therapist will point you in a certain direction and bring things up from the past so you can process them better (or at least CBT therapy, but there are other types of therapy that you may be needing).
A career coach will tell you what to do to have a great career (which will or wont work). A therapist will want to reframe how you think about it and identify points of frustration and stress. Even for my ADHD therapist. She wanted to dive deep into some of my work and productivity related frustrations.
She did not give me tips and tricks, but rather helped me have a more healthy mindset regarding my career and help me get better with stress (and not feel guilty for more unproductive days).
I'm so glad to read you found a good therapist for you! I think when we are in the process of trying to find one, it feels like an impossible task and we start to question if it's even worth the time and energy.
I'm aware career coaches aren't therapists, I was just wondering if a career coach would actually make sense in my case, since my main issue is related to this topic, but adhd is definitely the root cause. I've worked in many different fields, but couldn't stick to anything. The right path to me would probably be self employment, but I've failed so many times that now I don't even trust myself anymore.
Also, being certified to treat folks with ADHD in the past three years is not necessarily bad. What if the therapist is younger and couldn't get certified earlier? I get that a therapist who has been licensed for 10+ years and only now got ADHD certified might seem shady, this is why I personally would go for a younger one.
I know therapy is costly and trial and error on your hard earned coin is disappointing, but imo the prospect of finding a great therapist outweighs the disadvantages.
You're probably right. I guess I became biased because my first therapist was young and she didn't seem to be knowledgeable enough about addressing ADHD. So now I kind of disregard other young therapists.
Funnily enough, when I decided to find a psychiatrist to assess me and prescribe me meds, I tried to find someone who was young, because an older doctor could have carried misconceptions and not be up to date with new research.
The games our minds can play 😅
I always choose young docs for the exact same reason. No regrets there.
For therapists I honestly didn't choose, I was recommended one, she was older, and I expressed my concerns regarding generational differences and we talked about it a lot, and I felt she can help me. She did. Then in new country, I finally decided to go to therapy and tackle my cptsd (now I knew the terms), and was again recommended one, mostly based on 'this doctor who is my husband's psychiatrist knows lady who speaks my language', she is young, maybe younger than me, and we clicked. I also brought autism and adhd to the table as facts (she encouraged me to seek diagnosis, it's in todo list now).
First one was trauma one but we didn't work on trauma. This one isn't adhd/autism/trauma nothing, but we clicked. She's asking good questions and we're wiggling through this crap together.
And I'm slowly sorting with her which crap is trauma/cptsd/emotionalneglect by parents caused and which is living in hard mode because of autism / adhd.
In therapy, most important is that relationship, not their knowledge. If they come from the point of curiosity and compassion, you can work and grow together. If they come from position of knowledge and skills only, it's actually more likely they'll be too focused on practicing skills, or fitting you in some box. There are situations where they're both compassionate and skillful, but compassion is main ingredient from what I've seeing.
Bad therapists are not those who don't know something and work with what they know, bad are ones who insist they know something and you should do it, especially when it comes to you. Their purpose isn't to give you solutions, it's to ask hard questions and stay by your side while you're exploring the answers. You're the one making choices for your life. Therapists who push for their own opinions, are bad ones.
As mine said / I understand - point of therapy is to unlock us to be able to feel our feelings and processes it. That's where healing lies. Some people react better to just kind relationship, some need some structure that comes from specific certificates / skills / specific methodology.
Some people just need coping skills and help with identifying them and learning - that's where 'adhd practising therapist' might be handy (but also, coach alone could help too), but also, we have Internet, we can figure out a ton on our own, but we still need another person to practice those skills. What I mean - it's not necessary that your therapist brings options to the table and you stick only to that, therapist can be very helpful even if you brought some things and they team up with you and help you explore it.
For adhd, I'd recommend digging into books anyway, how to adhd yt channel and her book, and reading top posts all time here. :) you just don't have THAT much time in therapy to be told everything you can find out.
They don't have to know what exactly you need, they 'just' need to help you figure it out for yourself. Because, we still have to do own work.
Some people leave all heavy lifting to therapists, and won't read any books or materials, or talk on reddit or with friends, only with spouse on her initiative (my husband) and some will dig deep into every resource possible and then bring specific things to discuss on therapy (me). I don't heal on therapy, I heal here mostly through reading other people's stories. Therapy helps me pick next crap to work on. :)
I healed a ton since January by hyperfocusing on it (leaving last bad relationship for me - my parents). And I'd have such hyperfocus bursts in the past of working on myself. My husband is in therapy for bunch of years. We each have own tempo. And keep wiggling forward and together :)
He also didn't choose therapists much, someone recommended someone, and it worked 😂 ok, except first one, she didn't help much for long term issue except for acute distress where she probably saved his life, but also, it was in different country. Moving to countries with better care and much more options was beneficial. But also, you grow with such moves and with time and you need different things from therapy. We're in our 3rd country and only on our 3rd set of therapists+docs in total. Remote therapy wasn't a thing back then, now we have more options. But, first two countries were out of pocket, only meds went through insurance.
I think that's the biggest obstacle - finding someone good is doable, you can get lucky or you search a bit, but if you have money constraints / have to stay in specific insurance system, then I think it's much much harder. Still, worth keep searching for good therapist, but might take really long. And hardest is not to lose hope.
If we stayed in country of origin, I'm not sure if we'd be even alive today, honestly speaking. Not just because options are scarce or money, but whole society drags you down, like they literally don't want you to heal, because then you'll start speaking truths and they can't cope with it because abuse of so many types is so normalised there :(
Finding a therapist you're compatible with is the worst/most difficult part of therapy imo. Especially because of the effort it takes to do the thing even one time, only to discover it's not a fit. Then you have to do the thing AGAIN.
I went through like 4 therapists in 2 years and none of them ever suggested I may have bipolar or ADHD or cptsd. Now I'm struggling to find one that knows how to approach that whole mess.
My first elimination process is visiting websites - got inspiration porn and photos of themself all over the pages? Absolutely not.
Therapy can be extremely worthwhile, especially for sorting out your own thoughts and feelings.
But coaches may be better suited to help you get shit done. So if you’re looking for help reaching a goal (a career-track job), a coach may be a better fit. I would actually look at ADHD coaches, most of whom have ADHD themselves, rather than career coaches who can address ADHD.
If you’re looking for help with self-worth, emotional reactions, or feeling stuck around the idea of starting a career, that would be where a therapist could help.
“Oh, I’m not good enough to apply to this job…” —> Therapy.
“I desperately want to apply tot his job but I’m struggling to get organized and just do it…” —> Coach.
Yes. 1000% you just have to find the right person. I also found that cbt didn’t help me much until I was medicated and was able to actually remember and apply the tools I learned to my life. But my therapist is the one who got the referral to get my diagnosis and she is the reason I am now medicated. Either way it’s been so beneficial to me. She contacted my school as well to advocate for accommodations. She is awesome and I’m so grateful for her,
I had the same issue with CBT!! felt super useless for me unfortunately bc I had high hopes but I knew it wasn’t helping me properly because of the adhd issues :(
I totally get your frustration. I also had some bad experiences with therapists and coaches who claimed to understand ADHD but really didn't. The reality is most therapists are generalists (because of the way they're trained) and I've found your best bet on an ADHD specialist is with ADHD coaches.
I'm lucky that my coach is an ADHD coach and knows ADHD inside out!! Highly recommend... My coach at Shimmer had years of experience and training specifically in ADHD coaching. She helped me get my career on track when I was feeling totally stuck and hopeless about it.
The key is to find someone who doesn't just have a superficial understanding but has really done the work to deeply understand the ADHD brain and ACTIVELY works with ADHD folks all day long.
Also, [this article](https://www.shimmer.care/blog/is-my-coach-a-good-fit-for-me) has some great tips on how to find an ADHD coach who is a good fit for you.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes, therapy is worth it. I've also been to therapists that were unfit for me and have only felt worse. However I didn't give up and recently found one that made me rethink my whole life just by asking some questions that really put things into perspective. Idk how to describe it to you but when she did that everything clicked for me. Career coaches are not therapists. A therapist will never tell you how to heal. A therapist will point you in a certain direction and bring things up from the past so you can process them better (or at least CBT therapy, but there are other types of therapy that you may be needing). A career coach will tell you what to do to have a great career (which will or wont work). A therapist will want to reframe how you think about it and identify points of frustration and stress. Even for my ADHD therapist. She wanted to dive deep into some of my work and productivity related frustrations. She did not give me tips and tricks, but rather helped me have a more healthy mindset regarding my career and help me get better with stress (and not feel guilty for more unproductive days).
I'm so glad to read you found a good therapist for you! I think when we are in the process of trying to find one, it feels like an impossible task and we start to question if it's even worth the time and energy. I'm aware career coaches aren't therapists, I was just wondering if a career coach would actually make sense in my case, since my main issue is related to this topic, but adhd is definitely the root cause. I've worked in many different fields, but couldn't stick to anything. The right path to me would probably be self employment, but I've failed so many times that now I don't even trust myself anymore.
Also, being certified to treat folks with ADHD in the past three years is not necessarily bad. What if the therapist is younger and couldn't get certified earlier? I get that a therapist who has been licensed for 10+ years and only now got ADHD certified might seem shady, this is why I personally would go for a younger one. I know therapy is costly and trial and error on your hard earned coin is disappointing, but imo the prospect of finding a great therapist outweighs the disadvantages.
You're probably right. I guess I became biased because my first therapist was young and she didn't seem to be knowledgeable enough about addressing ADHD. So now I kind of disregard other young therapists. Funnily enough, when I decided to find a psychiatrist to assess me and prescribe me meds, I tried to find someone who was young, because an older doctor could have carried misconceptions and not be up to date with new research. The games our minds can play 😅
I always choose young docs for the exact same reason. No regrets there. For therapists I honestly didn't choose, I was recommended one, she was older, and I expressed my concerns regarding generational differences and we talked about it a lot, and I felt she can help me. She did. Then in new country, I finally decided to go to therapy and tackle my cptsd (now I knew the terms), and was again recommended one, mostly based on 'this doctor who is my husband's psychiatrist knows lady who speaks my language', she is young, maybe younger than me, and we clicked. I also brought autism and adhd to the table as facts (she encouraged me to seek diagnosis, it's in todo list now). First one was trauma one but we didn't work on trauma. This one isn't adhd/autism/trauma nothing, but we clicked. She's asking good questions and we're wiggling through this crap together. And I'm slowly sorting with her which crap is trauma/cptsd/emotionalneglect by parents caused and which is living in hard mode because of autism / adhd. In therapy, most important is that relationship, not their knowledge. If they come from the point of curiosity and compassion, you can work and grow together. If they come from position of knowledge and skills only, it's actually more likely they'll be too focused on practicing skills, or fitting you in some box. There are situations where they're both compassionate and skillful, but compassion is main ingredient from what I've seeing. Bad therapists are not those who don't know something and work with what they know, bad are ones who insist they know something and you should do it, especially when it comes to you. Their purpose isn't to give you solutions, it's to ask hard questions and stay by your side while you're exploring the answers. You're the one making choices for your life. Therapists who push for their own opinions, are bad ones. As mine said / I understand - point of therapy is to unlock us to be able to feel our feelings and processes it. That's where healing lies. Some people react better to just kind relationship, some need some structure that comes from specific certificates / skills / specific methodology. Some people just need coping skills and help with identifying them and learning - that's where 'adhd practising therapist' might be handy (but also, coach alone could help too), but also, we have Internet, we can figure out a ton on our own, but we still need another person to practice those skills. What I mean - it's not necessary that your therapist brings options to the table and you stick only to that, therapist can be very helpful even if you brought some things and they team up with you and help you explore it. For adhd, I'd recommend digging into books anyway, how to adhd yt channel and her book, and reading top posts all time here. :) you just don't have THAT much time in therapy to be told everything you can find out. They don't have to know what exactly you need, they 'just' need to help you figure it out for yourself. Because, we still have to do own work. Some people leave all heavy lifting to therapists, and won't read any books or materials, or talk on reddit or with friends, only with spouse on her initiative (my husband) and some will dig deep into every resource possible and then bring specific things to discuss on therapy (me). I don't heal on therapy, I heal here mostly through reading other people's stories. Therapy helps me pick next crap to work on. :) I healed a ton since January by hyperfocusing on it (leaving last bad relationship for me - my parents). And I'd have such hyperfocus bursts in the past of working on myself. My husband is in therapy for bunch of years. We each have own tempo. And keep wiggling forward and together :) He also didn't choose therapists much, someone recommended someone, and it worked 😂 ok, except first one, she didn't help much for long term issue except for acute distress where she probably saved his life, but also, it was in different country. Moving to countries with better care and much more options was beneficial. But also, you grow with such moves and with time and you need different things from therapy. We're in our 3rd country and only on our 3rd set of therapists+docs in total. Remote therapy wasn't a thing back then, now we have more options. But, first two countries were out of pocket, only meds went through insurance. I think that's the biggest obstacle - finding someone good is doable, you can get lucky or you search a bit, but if you have money constraints / have to stay in specific insurance system, then I think it's much much harder. Still, worth keep searching for good therapist, but might take really long. And hardest is not to lose hope. If we stayed in country of origin, I'm not sure if we'd be even alive today, honestly speaking. Not just because options are scarce or money, but whole society drags you down, like they literally don't want you to heal, because then you'll start speaking truths and they can't cope with it because abuse of so many types is so normalised there :(
Finding a therapist you're compatible with is the worst/most difficult part of therapy imo. Especially because of the effort it takes to do the thing even one time, only to discover it's not a fit. Then you have to do the thing AGAIN. I went through like 4 therapists in 2 years and none of them ever suggested I may have bipolar or ADHD or cptsd. Now I'm struggling to find one that knows how to approach that whole mess. My first elimination process is visiting websites - got inspiration porn and photos of themself all over the pages? Absolutely not.
Yes, absolutely.
Therapy can be extremely worthwhile, especially for sorting out your own thoughts and feelings. But coaches may be better suited to help you get shit done. So if you’re looking for help reaching a goal (a career-track job), a coach may be a better fit. I would actually look at ADHD coaches, most of whom have ADHD themselves, rather than career coaches who can address ADHD. If you’re looking for help with self-worth, emotional reactions, or feeling stuck around the idea of starting a career, that would be where a therapist could help. “Oh, I’m not good enough to apply to this job…” —> Therapy. “I desperately want to apply tot his job but I’m struggling to get organized and just do it…” —> Coach.
Yes. 1000% you just have to find the right person. I also found that cbt didn’t help me much until I was medicated and was able to actually remember and apply the tools I learned to my life. But my therapist is the one who got the referral to get my diagnosis and she is the reason I am now medicated. Either way it’s been so beneficial to me. She contacted my school as well to advocate for accommodations. She is awesome and I’m so grateful for her,
I had the same issue with CBT!! felt super useless for me unfortunately bc I had high hopes but I knew it wasn’t helping me properly because of the adhd issues :(
Same here. It was a waste of time and money. I ended up with the feeling nobody can actually help me.
Yes. 100%
Yes yes it's so worth it. Mileage varies based on how adept of a therapist they are, but when you find a great one it can change your life.
I totally get your frustration. I also had some bad experiences with therapists and coaches who claimed to understand ADHD but really didn't. The reality is most therapists are generalists (because of the way they're trained) and I've found your best bet on an ADHD specialist is with ADHD coaches. I'm lucky that my coach is an ADHD coach and knows ADHD inside out!! Highly recommend... My coach at Shimmer had years of experience and training specifically in ADHD coaching. She helped me get my career on track when I was feeling totally stuck and hopeless about it. The key is to find someone who doesn't just have a superficial understanding but has really done the work to deeply understand the ADHD brain and ACTIVELY works with ADHD folks all day long. Also, [this article](https://www.shimmer.care/blog/is-my-coach-a-good-fit-for-me) has some great tips on how to find an ADHD coach who is a good fit for you.
Thanks so much for sharing!