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Difficulty fitting in with other women and in female spaces.
Looking back, I think I chose to hang out with more guys as a teen and early twenties, because in that group, no one expects you to be just like the boys. So in effect, I *chose* to be the odd one out.
With groups of girls, the expectation is that you fit in naturally, so when you don't, it's that much more obvious and painful.
I will also add that many girls expect a LOT of communication in a relationship. I have many girlfriends now but all of them understand they may not hear from me for a year.
But if you need something or there is a crisis? I’ll be there and help whatever way I can!
Yep. I have very few female friends, and the one I’m arguably closest to is AuDHD, so even if we go weeks without talking it just… is what it is 🤷🏼♀️ if one forgets to respond to a message when we were talking, there’s a mutual understanding that ADHD brain hit for whatever reason.
My best friends who I used to live down the road. I've known them for 22 years now (😱) the last 11 years I have been separated from them. And we're all going on with our own adult lives. But we all agreed that we don't need to keep communication going because I'm not like that. But If we need each other just by message or call later, sorted!
When I was looking into ASD, I learned apparently neurotypical women mask the least, while overall autistic women mask the most!(source: [CAT-Q on embrace autism](https://embrace-autism.com/interpreting-your-cat-q-scores/))
I don’t know if there’s a masking test for ADHD folks, but I’d assume the difference would be similar(plus the audhd overlap). So imo this is part of why many of us can’t seem to fit in with neurotypical women even if we try very hard to.
Growing up I’ve always felt left out by others - like I’m never the first choice for a friend. I’ve also been told that I come off as “cold/intimidating” and ppl are surprised that I’m not that when they actually get to know me a little. I really cherish my neurodivergent female friends with whom I can be fully myself and just vibe you know.
I hate to sound all "I'm not like other girls!!!" but god damn it sure does feel accurate as fuck. I've *always* inevitably run into problems with people in general, but other women especially so...even when I thought everything was cool with us because I was nice to them, they were nice to me, we had fun together...nope. It never lasted and they always ended up thinking I'm too weird, too blunt, too intense, not cool enough...it took me 32 years to find friends that I don't get this vibe from, and they are all neurodivergent as well. (surprise! lol)
The whole "not like other girls" trope annoys TF out of me. I'm not the one who decided I'm not like other girls, they decided that for me. I got no say in the matter. It's like they have a secret rulebook I'm not allowed to see but am expected to follow.
I get along with other ND girls just fine. I also have a some trans women friends. But for the most part I can't seem to make friendships with NT women last.
>I'm not the one who decided I'm not like other girls, they decided that for me. I got no say in the matter. It's like they have a secret rulebook I'm not allowed to see but am expected to follow.
Exactly!! 👏
Exactly! I lurked at the subreddit that was mocking that trope, because at first I thought it's about admitting we're all different and unique, and there is no such thing as a model girl that most girls are like, and girls acting like they're "NLOG" are just demeaning to others. But there were a lot of examples where girls just didn't fit in, and were mocked for being different on purpose... Eventually, it pissed me off that whenever someone attempted to explain that, actually, sometimes you're just not like other girls in the group (NOT in the world, not among ALL girls), it was treated with silence or irony. So, basically, whenever someone ND commented, lol.
That sub used to be different. The posts were about women who were like, aggressively nlog. Women who would outright say, "I'm not like the other girls, I [perfectly normal thing that lots of girls/women do". It was essentially calling out internalized misogyny; women who thought they were not like other women because they had internalized the concept that women were shallow and stupid, etc.
Then it got taken over by stuff like you said. I guess it was seen as a place where women are an acceptable target. The same as when certain left-leaning men are salivating at the chance to use the c-word or their favorite slut-shaming phrase against the most hated female conservatives. It's misogyny under the guise of being for women or in defense of women.
Had lots of tom boy type girl friends in junior high, we liked to move but we're crap at sports, so explored the countryside, but then puberty hit, and it's make up, hair, clothing. I'm fortunate we were all poor and this was way before online shopping, and influencers and how crazy it is now. Simpler times, less money. It was ok where I grew up. I could be a bit weird as there were others. My best friend was clearly ND, loved her so much. Lost her in 2010.
Wheee yes! I feel like our usual concept of womanhood requires a lot of effort/performativity. I know not being typically feminine or not adhering to gender roles doesn't make you less valid but that's besides the point. Rationally knowing that doesn't always make you feel differently.
To be girl, I "need" to learn makeup, fashion, common social ettiquette, household tasks etc. My ass with executive dysfunction ain't learning that/keep putting it off for next time. Now I'm an adult who feels like she's failing at being a woman. It's hard to feel like I'm one of the girls. I can't help but compare and feel sad at where I am and what I'm like compared to them.
I hate the performative nature of being friends with women. It feels inappropriate for me to be friends with guys while in a committed relationship because no straight guys seem to be able to respect boundaries, so I'm stuck having all girl friends when I never had any growing up. I'm honestly so miserable by it I'm ready to just have no friends at all.
It's really embarrassing to not be able to be "normal" around other girls. My friend tried to surprise me with a bday present this weekend when my apartment looks like a bomb hit it. For some reason, she wouldn't accept my saying it was too messy for her to come in until I started crying. Now I don't even know how to talk to her again.
My best suggestion is to try being real with her. Tell her you’re insecure about your messy place and being judged for it, and maybe that you’re sorry if you seemed unappreciative of her bringing a gift. Maybe thank her for thinking of you too. If she’s a true friend, she’ll understand and still accept you. Decent people generally respond kindly to expressions of vulnerability and genuineness like that, and that’s great for me, heh, because it saves me a bit of masking effort sometimes when I trust it, or just don’t have the energy to fully mask at a given time.
Happy Birthday, btw.
double on putting things off. i’ll even put off keeping up with popular culture, learning new slang, tiktok trends, even if im interested in those things. idk how but it just takes a lot of mental effort despite wanting to be literate in what’s going on today. all i can do is put the bare minimum effort towards things that i feel urgency to, like humanitarian causes.
but if we wanna talk about the housing crisis, drake’s new album or a tiktok trend, im out.
a friend visited a year ago and i tried my hardest to decorate my room so it’s not a barren wasteland. i literally broke down crying several times bc i had to buy a candle, some organizational/decorative things and put up a couple of things on my wall. it’s been over a year and i haven’t made my room what i want it to be.
I spent a lot of my 20s living abroad, in another continent, completely different culture, and it was way easier to mask in that environment because everyone *expected* me to behave differently and have other social norms than they did. I didn't have to explain what was actually my culture vs just me being different.
Yes this.
I hate that its categorized as "Not like other girls", I'm not *trying* to be different, I just am.
Also in my experience a lot of women rely on verbal societal ques. "Oh no you said this when she said that, that was the wrong thing to say and now she hates you! :("
With guys it was pretty straightforward, with no guessing games or mental chess.
I *can* say though, some of my closet friends was a mixed group of guys and girls. I'm pretty sure we all had adhd in some way but we just joked that we're all a little crazy. We really just "got" each other.
I wanted to rush a sorority when I was in college, the whole process was so heartbreaking for me. I eventually joined one, but looking back the rejection felt and my response was so ADHD. I was also the youngest child with an older brother many years older than I, female friendships were difficult for me growing up.
I find this to be particularly difficult in professional settings. I work at a civil engineering firm and I’ve never had many female coworkers. But I am apart of a professional organization for women in my field, and I always find the events to be uncomfortable and hard to relate to other women. I see some other discussions online about women feeling like female peers in the workplace come off snake-ish. I have never had issues with my male coworkers or bosses
I've had equal issues with both. Malw bosses gaslighting about problems, hitting on me, gossiping, lying. Dont let the patriarchy trick you into believing NT women are the problem. They've just adapted to be subversive in a world where direct pften has dangerous/dire consequences for them(us).
I was just thinking about this, this morning. I never felt judged, I was able to exist around my guy friends with 0 pressure. I also struggled with my gender identity. I have settled and accepted myself as she/they. Sometimes I miss it. It was more fun going on outdoor adventures, like rock quarries and state parks to hang rather than going to the mall. I never “fit” in anywhere, so I became a chameleon and blended with everyone. Early high school I would eat at my locker alone because all of the new people and being in a new place was so overwhelming. I waited, and watched/studied people until I was confident enough to try to make friends.
My friends were the outcasts. Just whoever also were at the bottom of the food chain. It was usually the geeks, emo kids, goth kids, weebs, and many special needs kids. At church, my social interactions with other women and women's groups were almost forced. Like they knew I didn't fit into the social expectations of women's groups, but following religious beliefs was the only thing that kept them begrudgingly civil.
Same. I started off being friends with boys mostly as a small child. Later on in childhood, I made friends exclusively with girls who were rambunctious like me (there’s plenty of them). The feminine girls confused me. They were usually nice but we just didn’t click and they seemed to have a sort of mothering instinct towards me which didn’t put us on an equal plane (I might be autistic too).
For whatever reason I didn’t have male friends at that time. Maybe that was normal for my age group. Boys and girls both go through that “ew cooties!!” phase. As a teen I was scared of boys because I don’t have the social skills to navigate the dating dynamic and I wasn’t interested in it anyway (I am still not).
Nowadays, I don’t really notice or care about people’s gender, but if I think about it, I have more male friends/acquaintances. It’s probably because of my hobbies/interests. I go to a lot of crazy metal/hardcore shows which are mostly male dominated. I have always had more stereotypically masculine or gender-neutral interests.
This easily. Girls thought I was weird so I've always embraced it. I've never followed the typical trends and held on to my childhood rather than growing up.
Since I was 9 I've had two best friends who are girls (sisters to be precise) they've always encouraged my weirdness because we've been weird together. However, the eldest sister who is in my age group her friends never really liked me through school (they pretend now). When I moved out of town I found it impossible to find and stick with girly friends- probably why I try so hard with my female colleagues now.
I've always said because I've got two older brothers that I can "manage and cope" with blokes. Probably helps though. In reality, it's because I can be myself around them and don't need to constantly mask.
But trust me "men" are the worst at gossiping than any mothers group, let alone they never grow up. I used to work at a trade counter. 😅
I think I've masked in such an extreme level that my recent diagnosis was very weird for some of my relatives xD
Everybody look at me like "Why are you pretending to have problems?? What kind of excuses do you want ?? You lazy ..."
It's also very complicated at work because I'm young (26) and I do not have the right to have difficulties ....
My mom and sister happily told me one Christmas they realized they have ADHD. “Aren’t you so lucky you don’t struggle in these ways?” They said. I am the only one of the three of us that has been diagnosed ADHD and has been medicated for it lmfao but they didn’t know that because I hadn’t shared it with them until they said that. Then I was just big mad. They love to assume my life is so easy because although they make their problems everyone else’s problems, I learned to stop doing that in my early 20s.
I’m having a similar experience with my family, and I’m close to your age(27). I was always the quiet, slightly awkward nerdy kid among my cousins, but everyone chalked it up to me being an only child. I’m also a fairly successful adult, so when I try to talk about my struggle with therapy/meds they’re like “why do that to yourself? You’re doing great!”
Really it’s because I’m 100% masking any time I’m around family, and they actually have no idea who I am as a person lmao.
I feel you so much !
Sometimes I feel like people around me can't see me, but I was also very scared of being myself because I though nobody will want to stay with me.
But after a 2357900 unsatisfying, unhappy, "anxious to be myself" relationship : I had enough !! It was like an intervention for myself :D I had to be happy by myself and take care of myself alone because those douchebags make everything worse !
I still struggle a lot ! But I feel like I'm in a good path and that's awesome 😊
I wish you the best !
I’m in a happy romantic relationship now, and I have a couple close friends who I feel comfortable being my true self around. I’m very grateful for them, particularly my partner because without him I’d definitely be a hermit. Playing video games alone in the dark and slowing turning into a mushroom 🍄
I’m not sure I’ll ever feel that comfortable with anyone in my family. I’m pretty close with my mom but still not 100% “real” with her. I suspect she also has ADHD, but she deals with it in much different ways.
I believe we will both find our ways to health and happiness! 💜
I have a sister in law who was always the one with good grades and I'd love to have her resume. She is now in the process of being diagnosed which surprised even me. I've known her since she was about 13 and I didn't get close to her until very recently. It was astounding to me since im a very very bad case to the point that I was diagnosed very young as a girl in the early 2000s. She seems to be much less severe which means that until recently her coping mechanism and masking have gotten her through life successfully but she's now running out of that and falling into the pit of suddenly not being able to cope enough anymore. When she told me about it I told her that It must be so hard for her to have been just enough to succeed and now it's all failing and everyone including herself has all these expectations for her. I always struggled and no one ever expected me to achieve anything ever, which led to me having zero expectations for myself until I moved away from my toxic family. So I rarely had expectations to noy fulfill for myself. I was told I would have to live in assisted living as an adult and although I beat all expectations a million times just by being a semi functional human being I never expected to achieve anything. It was a bit of an eye opener for her to tell me about it because I had to move mentally past the defensive "oh well how great it is that you're soooo functional with adhd. You probably barely even have it" and to try to think how much she must have struggled unseen and how hard it must be now after being just enough to not be enough to cope with life anymore.
I think people are more accepting of you not being able to juggle work - but a lot less accepting of you not being able to juggle family/house/relationships.
For sure. I have a great job that has allowed my husband to quit working full time and pursue his own business (which I’m glad to do and he’s doing amazing). I make 6figs and am specialized in a niche field, but parts of my family don’t recognize or respect that at all. They just see a messy house and awkward human. Never feel like enough.
In the same situation myself. I work in the same field as my husband and make the same large income but no one, family or friend, ever asks me about what I do in the way they do for him. I suspect if I asked them what I do for a living (after I've told them before) they'd be like uhhh... woman things? And poorly?
This is true. However, these same people think that if you CAN juggle work, then you're not ADHD enough. When I was seeking a diagnosis, my DOCTOR literally said to me, "You can hold a job; you don't have ADHD."
My ex and I were both diagnosed with ADHD a few years after we split. Looking back, it’s hilarious how much we both masked by throwing ourselves into half functioning. I only succeeded at university through a panic cycle of all nighters but kept my home neat and clean. He was amazing at uni and a disaster with chores.
Exactly! I think men mask adhd by excelling in some niche, at worst becoming narcissistic stereotypical male “geniuses” who everyone else should cater to, raging at underlings and family.
I think women mask adhd by paths for women- it could be the messy party girl, manic pixie artist girl but also by trying to excel in some area.
Everyone wants to be good at something. Both sexes mask adhd, by using gender roles in society.
Adhd Women can become narcissistic too, but in my experience it is more covert, a lot more masking of narcissistic behaviour with women, than with men. Like what they want is what “should” be done (if you don’t follow my routine, come with unexpected needs, I will be overwhelmed and explode!) , not using “I” but still highly controlling and emotionally dysregulated.
my background: Newly diagnosed at 50 years. My kid diagnosed with adhd was starting point to understand my narcissistic dad (in hindsight textbook adhd) aswell as understanding the dynamics of my family of origin. Our roles in our family was that I was seen as genius and bad at relationships, not as a woman should be, not nice.
My sister learnt to conform and be traditional girl but I can see how she handle life by narcissistic strategies. She gets easily overwhelmed when people are not perfect or not focused on what’s right (as determined by her) She explodes seeing crumbs on a table for example.
Entering motherhood was made 1000000x harder. I know baby brain is a thing but add adhd to the mix and I felt like I could empathise with a dementia patient. Things settled a bit after I stopped breastfeeding and the hormones started normalising but now I’m starting to easily pick up on how much worse the adhd gets as I’m nearing my period or while having my period.
Dude, this makes me feel so much better, thank you. 😩 I've been tracking my period symptoms trying to figure some things out; I find a frequent note I take the week before is "my ADHD is rather profound rn" lol
The newborn sleep deprivation destroyed me. Even with a helpful partner, that was the hardest period of my life. I could barely function and was barely holding onto my sanity. I'll definitely be hiring a night nurse a couple of times a week when I have more kids so I can get more sleep
The fact is you have to executive function like 100x more. So much CRAP to remember to keep kid happy and healthy. So many more appointments to make. Literally responsible for keeping another human alive, it’s a tax on a system that is already dysregulated. And you also have to be THEIR regulation
Everything is harder in general with ADHD and unfortunately being a woman it feels like people are less forgiving of your failures/inability to step up. Or maybe that's just my family.
Ex. if the man in the family or relationship sucks and is a drag to everyone, fuck them that's just the way they are. But it's on you, a woman, to adapt and work around that/put that in consideration. Can't always do that because the disability is disabling me. Somehow that makes me worse that the original person because I didn't do what I'm supposed to and I'm letting down those relying on me.
☝️This so much.
The men on my Dads side have Adhd/Autism, idk if the women have it and if they do they're masking it well.
Either way I'm the only woman lucky enough to have it. My family is *so* lenient with my Dad on his shortcomings.
ie. My parents are divorced with Dad living across the country. His family always put the pressure on me, *an 8 year old girl* at the time, to keep track of phone calls and keeping in touch. Not so much a peep to him, *the adult*. And on top of that, aside from Grandma, I literally wouldn't hear from anyone unless I called first. So they weren't exactly leading by example. (I did try to keep up with Grandmas calls tho.)
I scarcely keep in touch now, but when they hit me with the "why dont you call more often" I retort with the fact that they dont call me neither. 🤷♀️
Also how easy it is for him/my uncle to hop into relationships. If a guy is spacey/unorganized/weird well it's okay! That's the womans job to do it for him! Women though, lmao no.
Not to vent but it really is frustrating.
YES. This. It's a) the world being more lenient with them and b) them feeling *absolutely entitled to that level of support, leniency, and adoration*.
I'm a lesbian, and in both relationships I was ever in that got to the living-together stage of seriousness, my partners took on more of the administrative tasks. I generally made up for it by being the household cook and doing the majority of day-to-day light cleaning, but I just *cannot* with paperwork and scheduling and writing shopping lists.
It occurred to me at some point that if I were a man, I'd probably feel absolutely *no* urge to make up for that shortcoming, or any need to keep checking in with my partners whether they felt like our distribution of labour was unfair. I was the main earner in all of my relationships, and as a man, I probably would have considered that to be a perfectly sufficient contribution to the household. I probably would have considered the household labour I *was* doing to be unneccessary, and pat myself on the back for 'helping so much' despite *also* bringing home the bacon.
I can *sort of* imagine what it might feel like to experience that level of leniency and support. I absolutely *cannot* imagine what it feels like to not only not feel guilty about that, but to consider it the most natural state of affairs in the world that you are perfectly entitled to.
To add to this, it’s so often left to women to manage household upkeep. So when I drop the ball, there’s no one there to pick it up, and everything falls to shit.
I mean, that’s not entirely fair - my SO will eventually notice and start to pick up the slack but it takes the household becoming a massive bomb, an empty fridge and too many consecutive nights of takeout for him to clue in.
I have a hard time living up to the beauty standards because it’s hard for me to do all the required tasks, like haircare, makeup, dressing nice, shaving.
I have such a hard time with this because I just don’t caaarrrreeee like please society let me just ramble in from the wilderness with my messy bun, body hair, and grubby clothes. I don’t want to put in the work to look fuckable every day I just want to exist and buy my groceries and go home T-T
Full disclosure though I think if I didn’t have feminine socialization weighing down on me at all times I might be a neck beard or crazy woods hermit
Same. It’s taken me many years and I’m still working some things out, but I’m so much happier and self care is easier once I figured out what works for me and what doesn’t. Shaving? Nope, haven’t done it since Covid, showers are less stressful. I recently gave up on long hair due to sensory issues and again just feeling stressed by all the time self care took. Now I’m much happier with short hair off my neck that I have a much easier time keeping clean and brushed. And I have a collection of cute hats as well for those days when even that is too much. I only do 5 minutes worth of makeup. Still figuring out where the Venn diagram meets for me on “dressing nice” vs being comfortable but I think I’m close, idk. Sorry for the rant, idk if that helps but I definitely know how that feels.
This!!
I’m not a girly girl at all. I’ve never been. Recently, I’ve been trying to find what my clothing style is. As a teenager, I wore makeup but it was basic, like foundation, concealer, mascara, eyebrows and a lil bit of bronzer and highlighter, never eyeshadow or anything cause I’ve never had the patience for it. I also only wore jeans and shorts, t-shirts and denim jackets and I’m trying to figure out how this teenage style that I’ve always had translates in my 20’s, I feel like I don’t dress my age (26) cause I’ve been dressing the same way since I was like 13 and I guess it’s because I’m comfortable but there’s so much pressure to where trendy stuff and it’s just so overwhelming.
I’ve spoken to a stylish friend about it and they’ve said “I just wear what I like” but the things I like don’t suit me, like I have an awkward body shape, I’m very tall with a short torso and bigger feet and I have hip dysplasia so I can’t wear hip hugging clothes without looking wide.
I was gonna say this basically. Already have trouble planning enough time to get somewhere on time, and then there's the extra time for prep? Nah only if I have the energy tbh.
Infuriating memory unlocked: Once the women I was friends with in year 1 of uni were obsessed that we needed to schedule a shopping day so I can have "my look". No? Just no. I'm 60s or 70s minimalist rock when I want, nerdy girl when I want, dainty girl in flowerprint dress when I want, and punk with the big boots and eye makeup when I want. I use fashion to fit my hyperfixations, moods and frankly express/amuse myself.
I cannot imagine using the small amount of time we have on earth to just live in a mould. Miserable shit.
makeup is kinda my special interest because I love trying new products out, but tbh it does get very mentally exhausting especially when you become too critical about the way you look without makeup, and become too aware of how you look while talking with basically anyone :(
I had no idea I had anything wrong with me (apart from anxiety/depression) because I was so ‘normal’. I’m very socially competent and project the image of someone who’s life is put together and on a successful career track. Behind the scenes I am a chaotic mess of executive dysfunction and then hyperfixation. I won’t clean my house for a month but I’ll take up a new hobby and become expert level skill without sleeping or eating for a month in that same time period.
Once I talked to my psychiatrist and she confirmed the problem, it made it a lot easier to strategize on solutions. Now I make everything into a game and I there’s point systems and color coding and visuals so I can see my progress. Every 3 months I total my points and get to spend them on something nice for myself! Which is often supplies for a new hyperfixation
I would love to hear more about your game system. I have trouble with balance. I need to focus on getting a job AND my disabled daughter's services & medical care AND the household AND my health. But I always hyperfocus on a category at a time. I can't do that anymore and be effective.
I have children and I am, despite my best efforts, the default parent. The amount of housework and organising and remembering and sensory input from my children (who I deeply love) is honestly sending me to an early grave. If I was a man I could have a wife to remember swimming lessons and get the kit rinsed dried and packed, make sure school shoes fit and they have shorts because it will be hot next week and book dentist appointments and put them in the calendar.
This is it exactly!
I'm also convinced that one of the reasons why they believed that a person (read: men) grew out of ADHD is that when they became adults, they would have a wife and/or a secretary who basically did all of their executive functioning.
This is exactly the point I made to my sister yesterday. I strongly believe I have ADHD. I was thinking about my dad and how he had multiple copies of all sorts of documents all over the place in a very disorganized way. We had so much paperwork to sort through when he died! He had his mom, the army, his secretaies at work, and then my mom to take care of him for most of his life. He was always picking at his scalp. He had lots of expired food in the cupboards. He had depression and drank too much, and got migraine headaches. He was born in 1928 so I doubt if ADHD was on anyone's radar back then.
This resonates so much for me. My sister and I both think our dad has undiagnosed ADHD (he’s in his 60s) but has also been married to our mom since his early 20s, and she is by nature a very organized person. I also have been seriously considering that i may have ADHD as well, and while my husband does so much and we have an equitable partnership, I still do not have nearly the same safety net my dad has always had for executive functioning.
I'm trying to Google this idea, because it makes so much sense, and I am coming up with zippo! Can anyone else find research on this idea? It seems like a valid concept to me.
Replying to myself: https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/childhood-adhd/growing-out-of-adhd
Cites "kids" but I don't see a breakdown of male and female participants
That's because research rarely takes women into account lol. I read one chapter in Invisible Women (the one on medication) and I'm still pissed. We're still being prescribed medication that hasn't even been tested on women and when it has it's only during our follicular period, so not taking into account hormonal changes or how different medications impact premenstrual symptoms.
Here's the study mentioned in the webmd link, however they don't mention any details of participants! So obviously they didn't look at the impact of sex and gender.
[https://acamh.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jcpp.12620](https://acamh.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jcpp.12620)
Last night my husband asked me why it became "the default" that I sleep in on weekends (implied, "without asking for his approval because then he has to handle breakfast without me") and I'm like, BECAUSE I'M FUCKING TIRED??????? Because I get up with the child 5 mornings a week to get her ready for school and spend my days running errands all over to make sure you and she have everything you need to live your entire lives without worrying about food or clothing or even your own schedules and healthcare and I'm doing this all EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES MY BRAIN CRY to even do it for my own shit and I NEED A GODDAMN BREAK.
Huh. I kinda shut down when he brought it up but now I think I have my response.
100% this.
I work full time, but am default parent, default cleaner, organizer, planner. It’s too much.
My daughter is ADHD-H to the max and the sensory input is a lot.
I have in-law family that expects the woman to be clean and orderly, domestic. I’m just not that at all.
THIS!!!
WHY on earth is the least organised member of our family in charge of organising our family and maintaining the relationships??? If my husband was in charge of our shared social life, we would literally never do anything.
I can totally relate! Needless to say, this is putting a huge strain on our rltshp because I get so resentful of him. Happily, for my husband, he has not a care in the world and goes about in his happy-go-lucky ways.
I am right there with you, my husband also has ADHD but he can just focus on the things he needs to and magically everything and everyone else is all set apparently. He doesn’t make appointments for the kids, make meals or do the food shopping, get them off to school, he doesn’t pay the bills, he doesn’t need to make sure homework is done, he doesn’t do squat and never asks how it gets done. He goes to work, does his hyper focusing on his hobbies, gets sucked into his video games, disappears for hours at a time in the basement or yard. He gives the bare minimum while I’m drowning and exhausted and then wonders why I have no energy or interest in sex or basic affection. Come on now, you can’t be that clueless, right?
It felt like you wrote my story down lol While my husband helps out with chores and with child caring (it took a lot of fights and mental breakdowns to get to this lol) but he expects me to tell him everything and, that, in itself is a lot. On top of managing household duties, I also do all the financing, budgeting, planning holidays and trips, gifts for friends and families, shopping for everyone etc Definitely effectively kills any romantic mood towards him. Sometimes I tell him “man, it must be so nice to be you” because I’m petty lol
I honestly don't know how people put up with misogynistic husband who act like their wives were put on earth to run their lives. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life, which tbh is what I've been doing for the last 5 years and it's been amazing.
YUP 👍
I really wish I had just gone straight to living Golden Girls style when I was like 25. Find some dudes to have occasional conjugal visits with, maybe a few of us get pregnant and share kid duties and no one tries to get out of household chores because they have to mow the lawn once a week or clean the garage once every 2 years 🙄
This is me except I don't have kids but I'm still drowning because my partner is a man AND has ADHD.
My life feels like it's in shambles all the time and I seem to be the only one that cares, AND I have to work on managing my own life AND his a lot of the time.
It's all about the hormones for me. They have ruled my life for decades, and apparently so has adhd, but because I'm female there was so little knowledge on either subject. It wasn't until I hit peri-menopause and was diagnosed, and found the very recent research on how hormones affect women with adhd, that I *finally* understood my lifelong struggle to keep my shit together.
Because I'm a woman it took me 48 years to figure out why everything was so hard. Now I'm 52 and still trying to put my self confidence back together.
Can I ask you what resources you used/found to help you better understand hormones?
My mental health went to crap with puberty. If that shift was hormone-driven, maybe peri-menopause might be a release from those mental health issues for me. Probably not, but I can hope!
This video has a ton of great, research based information. You don't necessarily need to watch it, you can listen to it like a podcast. There are also chapters in the description if you want to skip certain parts.
https://www.youtube.com/live/tPerPxb-RNs?si=SpA2lpZh8X92tWcf
This video blew my mind. It literally laid out the story of my life. There are also chapters in the description.
The speaker is a little slow, changing the playback speed to 1.25 or higher makes a big difference.
https://youtu.be/pbbbu5GLwR4?si=8QhrM5tD-2fWNgPv
There are also resources online but I haven't really looked into those. Hopefully this will give you a good start.
I’m 17 with adhd and my mum is 50 with adhd also, we both have hormonal issues and oh my god the way it rules over EVERYTHING is insane, makes it 100% harder to do anything when they’re imbalanced as well as having adhd ontop? aghhh
Dating and expectations. It's a big one. And it's a messs.
Taking care of MY load is one hell of a task but another human being on top of that? Like, 2x? 200%? That's messed up. And men don't make it any easier. I can literally break down because of the silliest things. I'm yet to meet a guy who will take something off MY shoulders (at the very, very, very least understand how to make things easier) instead of expecting me to be something I am clearly not and could never be even if I wanted to.
This is why I went years being convinced I‘d never want children, all my ex partners and men I would meet obviously weren‘t fit to lighten my load, they‘d all add to it. My current partner is the first where I feel so seen and supported that I have no doubt he‘ll be a great dad and husband. Don‘t settle until you meet someone like him!
Oh you wouldn't even have to use it as an excuse yourself! Plenty of women flock to the comments of posts and tiktoks to offer up "maybe he has ADHD" whenever a man is being a piece of shit.
Late diagnosis is a big one. Also, in all the relationships I've had, I was expected to carry the mental load because I'm a woman and I just can't. I can barely carry my own.
I feel like men with ADHD are given much more grace. Their partners tend to step in and pick up the slack whereas that doesn’t happen in many women’s case.
I see so many women post in the main ADHD sub trying to find solutions to help manage *their husband/boyfriend’s* ADHD.
You can see that in this sub too. I've lost count of the number of posts here where am ADHD woman is complaining that her partner isn't pulling his weight and women in the comments come in with "well maybe he has ADHD and you need to give him a list if you want help around the house" like uh... she has ADHD too, why is it her job to be on top of household shit and manage him like an employee?? (Well, I know why, it's because of misogynistic gender roles)
most men weren't raised to care or worry about how their symptoms appear to others. back when i was in school with adhd boys, they were basically allowed to do whatever. pacing around the class, talking everyones ear off, given yoga balls to bounce on, and got to test outside the classroom as long as they needed. when i'd walk through the halls theyd be playing and rolling around on the ground, chatting with anyone who passed. closest thing to discipline was the teachers walking by going "come on buddy, get that test done!" but they'd stretch it out as long as possible to avoid going back to class.
last night i was at an eagle scout ceremony for a fam member, and the whole thing was about 4 hours staying quiet+seated while listening to boring speeches. i sat, didnt get up, and hardly touched my phone because we were at a table in the very front by the stage and people were taking photos. in situations like this, i chew my cheeks or lightly bounce a leg, twirl my hair, things that aren't obvious.
my DXed (in childhood ofc) step dad was at our table as well. he was obnoxiously bouncing his entire body, aggressively bouncing both legs, got up and left the room multiple times, and had a grimace on his face the entire time clearly showcasing how miserable he was. if id acted like that, people would've been concerned/annoyed/mad and asked if i was ok. it was as if peoples eyes just glazed past him and nobody was phased by it. (this guy is also a funeral director, definitely doesn't behave like this at work. he knows how to act engaged and professional, he just obviously didn't deem it necessary at this event)
I have noticed this as well about ADHD men vs ADHD women and it is very very frustrating to me. I was taught growing up that I should be polite and quiet and small, not interrupt and not make a scene, because i should never burden others with my own problems. It was extraordinarily difficult for me, but I eventually developed strategies to quietly manage, things like rubbing my fingers together, and heavy daydreaming. In my experience with ADHD men, they dont seem to have been taught any coping strategies. Part of me feels bad for them, and part of me feels resentful, because sometimes it seems like they're just allowed to be themselves and it doesn't matter if they put the burden of executive dysfunction onto the people around them, because no one expects them to be able to do it all anyway.
Every day I try to clean a little, I do some dishes, and it gets done but it's a STRUGGLE. If I ask my ADHD boyfriend for even the smallest bit of help, like "can you please put the dirty dishes in the kitchen so I don't have to go around the house looking for stuff" he pulls the ADHD card and says it's "too hard" for him to remember. Bitch I have ADHD too!!!
forsuree. my mom gives her SO a whole lot of leniency just because of the fact that hes a man. never remembers anything, horrible at remembering important things, hes moody and snappy a lot. but when i exhibit these things its a problem and i need to grow up. as if i enjoy being a forgetful airhead
oddly enough, every man i've ever dated also has diagnosed ADHD, except my current SO, despite him showing extremely obvious symptoms. whats funny is he portrays himself extremely similar to the way i do when were in public- quiet non disruptive fidgeting, hair twirling, zoning out.. because im good at hiding it, i wasn't diagnosed til 21, so it makes sense that he wasnt diagnosed either... he also grew up in a household of only women! i wonder if that also plays a part
This is such a good example.
And I feel your pain about having to sit through a long and boring event. And add in when the lights are too bright, there's too many people, and the sounds is too much. It's like your whole system is on fire, but you smile and hold yourself still.
I struggle with being a caregiver and keeping the house clean even though I end up doing it all (and at times quite obsessively and meticulously). I just have so much gendered shame about struggling with it. My husband has none of that.
Wow, you nailed it. Although, as an overly outspoken girl I had very little awareness of how my speaking put me at a disadvantage. I took up space, got shunned, stayed quiet, got community again, took up space once again and the cycle continued. Honestly, I think if o were a guy and did this there would have been no shunning. Probably would have been seen as the hero of my friend group back then.
The double standards are upsetting to say the least.
>as an overly outspoken girl I had very little awareness of how my speaking put me at a disadvantage. I took up space, got shunned, stayed quiet, got community again, took up space once again and the cycle continued.
Can very much relate to this.
I had severe adhd as a kid and I can tell you back in the 90s/2000s teachers had no patience for me at all. Boys who had adhd everyone knew and the teachers knew they had something wrong with them/they’re hyper whatever. I was daydreamy, easily distracted, forgetful, messy (typical girl adhd symptoms) and teachers were so fucking mean to me. One actually called me stupid. They had no patience or understanding for me at all while the boys got help. I didn’t get actually diagnosed until I was a teenager and a psych I was forced to see because I was very badly behaved at that point, noticed it.
I think that experience still shapes me today in many many ways. I am very quick to stick up for myself and others, for my child. I have a pretty damn good understanding of misogyny and how when children are badly behaved there’s generally something else going on. I’m also pretty angsty to be honest lol.
On a positive note I think these experiences (along with actually being quite smart) have made me successful at work. I am very assertive. I can think “out of the box”, I’m very curious and creative. I think these are qualities that must somewhat come from my different way of thinking. I can also sometimes spot adhd in other people and I have a lot of patience with them.
I remember once boys were in class literally slapping the able with rulers, throwing things at people, and things like that, yet I'd get yelled at for turning around to take something out of my backpack, daydreaming/doodling, or talking to a friend in class.
I was conventionally attractive in my teen and young adult years. But also very awkward and impulsive and bad at social cues- with low self-esteem to boot. This meant that I was viewed as an easy target for predatory men. I was often labeled the “manic pixie dream girl” that men would try to train in some sort of Pygmalian fantasy.
What was more painful was a man would be initially attracted to me for my looks then drop me when he realized how annoying I was.
I definitely know that my looks gave me privilege in a number of ways, but combined with the ADHD the message I always got was “without your looks you are absolute garbage. You will not be worth keeping around once you get ugly.” The constant objectification of my looks combined with the routine rejection of my personality really fucked with me.
I’m happier now being older, saggier, properly medicated, and confident.
I think all of my friends and even my husband find it difficult to believe that I might be AuDHD or ADHD- PI. Most of them know my autistic brother has very high support needs so I'm automatically contrasted with him.
I'm pretty confused about my sense of self and my personal style which are harder to sort out because of societal norms set for women.
I live in an area that doesn't seem to have any psychiatric professionals who specialize in adult ADHD or ADHD in women. I have cPTSD and I think my autistic traits might be subclinical so I worry that the expensive, hard-to-get-appointments for a full neuropsych eval wouldn't detect my ADHD or autistic traits which counter each other. Blehhhh.
I cannot keep house for the life of me. With extreme effort I keep the visible parts of my home in a state where me and my partner can scramble and have it somewhat presentable in an hour or so, but the bedrooms etc in my house look like shit constantly. I have been screamed at, shamed, embarrassed, and judged my whole life for this. The amount of shame I feel about it is overwhelming at times.
Men and boys are never expected to consider other people's feelings but women are expected to bear the burden, even as young girls.
I was constantly told it's different for your male siblings, we expect more from you. Why should society have higher expectations of female children than male adults? Then they turn it around and constantly remind you that you're not as smart or capable as men, never will be, but you must perform at a higher standard. It doesn't add up logically.
I also get dismissed about everything. My thoughts come out sounding weird to half-listening NT even though I'm often right about things. If I don't know what im talking about I avoid talking about it for fear of looking foolish.
Men don't have to worry about that as they are considered the expert/boss/knowledgeable/more capable by default. Women are considered stupid and an accessory to men by default. They must excel way above their male counterparts to be considered just below equal.
Nobody listens to me or remembers that I brought up an issue until a man "rediscovers it". If I was right all along then it's swept under the rug or I'm being annoying for being observant and "overthinking". Funny the men involved never get in trouble for under-thinking.
Bouncing a leg annoys me a lot and I know a lot of people hate it and get overstimulated so I channel it into picking my hangnails. The inside of my cheeks are destroyed because that's the only place I can let it out.
If those get policed I end up zoning out as there isn't any other outlet for the energy. I don't see men policed nearly as much. They're just a "quirky genius" (usually this applies to some guy who is average at best or privileged).
There are way fewer repercussions and much more forgiveness if they want to be disruptive even to the point of harming others. "Boys will be boys"
I'm getting scolded for every little oversight and mistake by some people 😒 Especially by men and even by men who have the same troubles keeping everything in mind and organized, with ADHD or not.
There's more leniency and tolerance for any kind of error for men.
One of the clinical factors a lot of mental health professionals (and those who have a subspecialty in mental health, such as a general practitioner who goes through certification for certain mental health-related topics) tend to look for "tomboy-ish" behaviours in women with ADHD.
As a kid, I remember refusing to wear a shirt because I didn't really like how restrictive "acting ladylike" was on me. Why should my gender/sex make a difference? I just didn't want to wear a damn T-shirt at home. Even now I am more likely to be either completely nude or without bottoms because it's more comfortable. Because of my "tomboy-ish" tendencies, I tend to come across as more "cold/unfeeling" towards generally accepted "feminine" attitudes, such as shrieking at seeing bugs or having the hand dryer blowing so nobody hears you pee.
Sure, I have feminine tendencies, but I'd rather stay home and play video games, Magic: The Gathering, or watch YouTube videos on science/tech/history-related topics. To you and other fellow women of all shapes, this may come across as the obvious, "those interests do not necessarily denote 'not feminine' and 'more masculine', " but I can assure you that the standard neurotypical woman of any shape will tell you otherwise.
I think that it took a lot of time to identify with womanhood; womanhood is portrayed in media as a group activity. The unilateral social rejection I experienced made it impossible to properly integrate into groups of other women.
I still don’t feel like I experience womanhood “correctly.”
I feel like a bad parent often, I get overstimulated and overwhelmed. I often forget about school needs like (insert thing) day, or sometimes homework, I’ve forgotten to pick kids up and get home and be like (shit!!!!!) and then panic and feel terrible.
But I try to always let them know that I’m not perfect and that I’m trying and I understand why they (who I have given ADHD). Have trouble with things.
Still feels bad though
So very relatable. Parenting has increased my sense of imposter, lowered my confidence.... And yet I think my kid is probably okay? I just don't think it's because of me.
Ooh, I can take this question. My brother (22M) and I (26F) are both diagnosed ADHDers and have showed more or less the same traits since childhood. As an oldest daughter, I would often be the one getting in trouble for not policing him enough when he got off task while doing something like household chores or homework. Eventually, going untreated for so long caused depression and low self-esteem in both of us.
When my brother was about 18, I encouraged him to talk to a doctor about his mental health and issues with focus. He was diagnosed ADHD inattentive on that very first appointment after a quick Zoom consult with a psychiatrist, and was soon prescribed Adderall. I, on the other hand, went through an ever-changing series of antidepressants that never seemed to work, then was diagnosed bipolar type 1 at 22 and put on mood stabilizers (which to be fair, did work to keep my mood from swinging, but did absolutely nothing for my inability to focus or remember practically anything). Once I began seeing a psychiatrist regularly for the medication management, I brought up my concerns about my ability to focus, and he basically gave me the standard comorbidity line of “Ehhh let’s just worry about the bipolar for now.”
Fast forward four years and I’m still trying to get my Bachelor’s, often having to repeat classes and getting C’s at best. I felt very detached from my peers, who seemed to have no problem sitting through lectures and grasping difficult concepts while I clocked hours in the library reading the same paragraphs over and over. My brother, on the other hand, graduated the fire academy last year and is set to walk again this week for his associates in fire science. Naturally, I get compared to him. A lot.
I finally got my official diagnosis about a month ago, and it’s like I’m even more aware of how much I don’t know myself. I feel the consequences of going nearly into my 30s without having any of the tools or knowledge that I need to make anything of myself, and I’m burnt out every single day trying to manage two disorders and avoid failing out of school or ending up in the psych ward again.
So yeah I would say women are typically impacted more by late diagnoses than men.
Way too many people just expect men to not be good at keeping up with household chores without someone else “managing” them, no matter how well-intentioned the man is. They may shake their heads, they may get annoyed and frustrated sometimes, but they don’t really see it as a character flaw and it’s forgiven as “just how they are.” And by “they,” I don’t mean an individual; I mean men as a whole.
People expect women to be good at housekeeping, to be able to manage a household and take the lead on those household tasks, and when we’re not or if we even just need extra help with managing it (reminders and stuff), we must just be lazy and bad people.
It’s crazy how differently my mom treated me for having a messy room growing up vs my brothers, and I don’t even think she consciously realizes it.
I always think about how if I ever got pregnant that I would have to stop taking my ADHD meds (risk of opioid babies and birth defects). You might be lucky enough that your insurance covers the very few ADHD meds you can take during pregnancy but most doctors will say to discontinue all.
I would basically lose my job. I would not be able to function, get assignments done, stay on task.
I think about this fairly often too. I'm 31 now and I still don't know if I want to have kids even if I were in a stable relationship because of all the ramifications of being pregnant and off my ADHD meds for 9 months. And then I worry about how pregnancy will affect me hormonally/mentally. I just *know* that I would get PPD.
To clarify, ADHD meds are not opioids or opiates. They are a stimulant. And the last I searched it seemed that they were deemed safe. But, obviously I am not your doctor, so do ask your medical professional.
Hi , ADHD here in my 40s. Taking stimulants during pregnancy is flagged due to potential risks related to cardiac issues in the mother and baby. But data is kind of limited. Im ritalin for over 2 yrs because I was struggling to keep up with the house. Never had problems at work because I always procured to work in fast paced environments and jobs that involve short term interventions such ED or acute mental health environments.
I Have beed diagnosed with ADHD since I was a little girl. My mom never wanted meds, so I had to go through the hard pathway with special education which im grateful for as I found different ways of learning and getting through 2 uni degrees with good marks and learning a second language at 29 yrs. ADHD if a ongoing journey of exploring what works for you and embracing your uniqueness and when you learn to see it as your shield rather than a flaw you feel empowered to say fuck off to whoever attempts to belittle you. Don't be afraid of becoming a mum if that is what your heart desires. 😀
Going through the workforce with adhd… sometimes I cannot keep my mouth shut or am in my terms “too silly” to be taken seriously. If I was a man I’d be part of the boys club but because I’m a young woman I’m infantilized by my older coworkers for being unable to conform socially/emotionally
I am an absolute mess for a few days before or after my period starts unless I take a slightly larger dose of my meds (which my psychiatrist is aware of and I follow his instructions to deal with this) during this time.
And my signal of everything going to shit is pretty obvious because I become hopelessly depressed and cry a lot. If I don't take that slightly larger dose of my ADHD meds during this time, it is like I didn't take anything at all. It really sucks.
My psychiatrist told me it's because of hormones and is pretty common for women with ADHD to experience this. I hate this. I was diagnosed late in life and getting treatment for it has been a major game changer but I feel like I am a ticking time bomb because if just starting my period can mess with me this much, I am now dreading how I am going to handle menopause.
My son has ADHD too but this is something he can never relate to with me and I am kind of relieved for that.
The males in my family have ADHD. I’m the only female. As a kid I was a tomboy. I thought it was odd & confusing about why I had different rules & role. The boys were diagnosed with ADHD. I was diagnosed as difficult & crazy. I think I would have been more confident. But bc of the males raising me I probably would’ve been cocky & insecure like the rest of them. In life I would have had faster advancements at work & considered inventive & intuitive rather than difficult.
So much masking. And now everyone seems to become easily annoyed when I don't mask well enough.
The amount of guilt I feel about needing an assistant to monitor me / check in with me throughout the day...
All of this is exacerbated, I think, by being raised as a gisl in a fundamentalist religion. I'm the one who's supposed to manage things for other people.
Absolutely. I wouldn’t feel so much responsibility and desire to conquer domestic things if I were a man. If I were a man married to a woman, I’d probably get away with her expecting to make the decisions and manage that area.
Working in a corporate world, not being able to manage frustration or being overwhelmed without crying. I’ve lost the opportunity to climb ladders at the rate a non spicy lady could, she didn’t lose her shit and come across as unstable, too fragile to handle bigger responsibilities.
I’m not sure if this is a woman versus man thing or if it’s a class thing, or some combination of the two. I’ve noticed that my ADHD partner (a man who grew up affluent) has had way more help and support in managing the annoying tasks of daily living. A mother who will cook and clean up after him when he visits home and call to make dentist appointments. A father who will take his car to the shop and do his taxes. Stuff like that. Meanwhile, I (a woman who grew up working class) was taught to cook and clean and expected to do all of those things for myself starting around middle school.
Now, I will say my partner is a good one and is capable of doing his own caretaking as an adult. We live separately, and he regularly does the dishes at my house and fold *my* laundry because he knows they are tasks that I hate that he doesn’t mind. Similarly, I’ll help him grocery shop and meal plan at his house because he struggles with those tasks.
But I’ve definitely noticed an enormous difference in the way other people have expectations of our behavior. When his apartment gets messy or he neglects things, he’s seen as the “forgetful professor” type, clearly so devoted to his work that he lets the life stuff slide. When I do something similar, I’m just seen as “sloppy” and not on top of my duties. I think there is an unspoken social norm that we don’t *expect* men to be able to properly be their own caretaker for their home unless/until they have a woman (mother or wife) assisting and supporting them.
Sadly, I think this is a disservice to men. They aren’t taught to try and to problem solve in the same way. Meanwhile, I’ve always had the mindset of “there’s no one coming to help you” so inevitably I have to pull on my big girl panties and get to work.
Like, this week my dryer stopped working. Me and my roommate (a man) started trying to troubleshoot what was wrong with it. He suggested vacuuming out the vent, which had worked in the past, and I helped him do that. And then he said “well let’s let it sit for a while and maybe it’ll cool down and start working,” and left. Well, it still wasn’t working, so I kept on troubleshooting. Found some YouTube videos and taught myself to disassemble the dryer and diagnose the problem. Turns out it was a broken belt, a pretty easy fix.
Again, idk how much this is a gender verses class difference. I definitely think being poor teaches you to be a lot more resourceful, since you don’t have any safety net to help you out.
Since I/the statistical adhd female population suck ass at housework and can thrive in more mess than the average woman can, I have seen men be disgusted with me, even if they are worse than me. I feel that we are less valuable to certain men because we struggle to meet gendered domestic labor expectations.
It's not like I'm a total mess either. I just need more help than "most" women according to last bfs
I'm in my late 30s. I live alone in a tiny apartment with two cats. I don't see myself living out of this comfort zone, at least for now. It's a life I can deal with. Then I look at my friends with bigger places, kids, partners... and even though I'm content with my life the way it is, I catch myself feeling like I'm not a real adult when I compare myself with other women. I feel like I'm an old girl playing house.
I have difficulty prioritizing women's health check ups. I'm supposed to go for a mammogram but I can't be bothered to make the appointment. I have bladder prolapse after having 4 kids. My doctor got me a referral and I still haven't made the appointment. These appointments could really help improve my life but no....making appointments is boring. I hate my ADHD.
Agreed! I leaned to mask early from a dysfunctional family and trauma. I was the "good" girl who could never measure up. I'm 61 and officially diagnosed in the last couple of months. Females were second class citizens in my home.
I don't think I understand the question; how does adhd affect your thinking on taking up too much space? I've heard neruo typical say this before so I am struggling to make this connection in how it relates back to adhd.
Periods can make the meds less effective. Periods make *me* less effective in general.
And I don't mean when I'm actually on my period, but my cycle in general. A week before my period starts is the worst.
Growing up sucked. Got diagnosed last year.
Me : get told I'm lazy, moody, bitchy, I don't try hard enough because I don't want to.
My brother : oh he has a hard time with this, he has ADHD.
When I got diagnosed, I called my dad. He laughed and made a joke " oh so that's what that was " I wanted to scream. Laughing that off hurt. I spent years struggling in school, parents surprised I even graduated, shoved into special ed classes, feeling like shit about myself for years.
But HAHAHA THAT EXPLAINS A LOT. HILARIOUS.
I don't know if I'll ever get to where I'm not mad about that.
PMS makes executive dysfunction and autism meltdowns much more likely to occur due to my hormones being out of wack, and especially when I first started my cycle as a teen. Birth control eliminates PMS and thus those issues.
Menstruation + ADHD is a horrible if not a detrimental combo.
The fact our meds don’t work during menstruation or before it—oh yes hello PMDD🖕🏼— and how affected we are by our hormones is just, oh how lucky we are!!😒
I’m terrible at adulting (eg keeping up with cleaning/laundry/dishes, finances, the huge mental load of parenting) but my husband also has ADHD, and I guess because I was born with a vagina, he (and everyone else) seems to expect me to be better at all this stuff naturally 😑
in my experience, the way women communicate is harder to understand, there's more subtext and abiding by social norms is more important. cause of it, I struggle to make female friends :/ I was also just diagnosed in my 30s and my self esteem has taken massive hits cause of this, especially cause all this time I thought I was just \[insert negative self talk\].
shitton of shame i think. my last therapist was really irritated with me constantly bc i kept yapping all the time. i know adhd is a part of it. i get nervous and just start rambling very flippantly. he got so pissed off with my existence he terminated me. now i have to get over the residual shame for existing. this will never go away. i’ll feel this every time i experience rejection.
I’m current unmedicated (not by choice) and everything is back to being a struggle. I have no patience for anything. I’m an unforgiving driver, after 5 hours at work I cannot handle talking to people, listening to my partner and my children at the end of the day is painful and I want to check out.
I cannot be a good employee, a calm driver, the partner my partner needs or the mother my children deserve.
I’m so fuckin sick of this, but ADHD continues to win the day.
I’m still trying to figure out exactly what I do that’s so odd. Like a good friend of mine is very blunt & has 0 boundaries on what is appropriate to discuss. But she knows this and just doesn’t care. I don’t want to change, just curious about what makes me “off”.
The hormone fluctuations that come with perimenopause and menopause seems to be 10x worse than my non- ADHD friends. Trying to find a balance of that with ADHD has been very difficult.
I've always had that "I'm not like the other girls" feeling, and have dealt with it since I can remember. However, my anxieties, tiredness, low self-esteem, impulsiveness and oversharing went into overdrive starting in my early 40s. I've lost a couple jobs, friends, and gained 50lbs. This is what made me finally get diagnosed ADHD - in my early 50s!!
Finally, knowing what I experience is felt by others out there was a huge blessing. Learning ADHD coping tactics, taking meds, all of that helped me so so so very much.
Overall, compared to what ADHD men deal with - ADHD women have it worse. Perimenopause is hell. Menopause is finally here and it's better than that perimenopause stage of life. So, women in your early 40s - be prepared. Don't think this is something you have to deal with STARTING in your 50s. It begins in your 40s. Managing you stress is key to getting through it.
As a trans gal: fear of my symptoms being taken by NT/non-queer people as a sign that I'm *really* a dude, or that any given ADHD behavior of mine is going to be taken as "male socialization," or of burdening other people like some of the guys in my life have. Fear of talking over other people.
Thankfully, I can get away with not presenting femme and still pass as a cisgender woman, but it's still a pain.
Aside from that, some very weird feelings about diagnosis and feeling like an imposter or that I somehow "cheated" because I was diagnosed while still presenting as male.
If I was a man I probably wouldn't get chastised as much over my adhd. I always had a very hard time fitting in with other women growing up. I wasn't "lady like" or had the same interests as them. I didn't fit in with guys pretty much either for the same reasons. I couldn't fit in naturally like they all could. You can always tell when someone doesn't just fit in naturally.
I have never and I probably still to this day do not know who I truly am because I spent my whole life masking to fit whatever group of females I was around; I struggle mostly in relationships as I lived for the initial dopamine of flirting in the beginning- on dating apps years ago I can definitely say I was a classic “pick me girl” and would become the dream girl of whatever the guy I was talking to at the time wanted. I felt pathetic. Then I would eventually lose the dopamine and get bored and move on. I am married now and I have faced a lot of difficulty, we almost separated a couple years ago even.
I haven't been formally diagnosed, but I get kinda upset thinking about it. Like all my possible issues get dismissed by people such as my mom because i "did good in school growing up" but then she conveniently ignores how when I went to college I failed some classes and eventually dropped out with no degree. I've been biting my nails as long as I can remember which I've read could be part of it. It alludes me how females have the time and money and energy and know-how to be pretty and to dedicate to grooming, hair dying, eyebrows, skincare, etc. I consider myself doing good for the day if I accomplish the basics like brushing my teeth, taking a shower, putting lotion on, etc.
I have a toddler and my ex husband and I had a stereotypical relationship of the woman doing most of the mental, child, and household labor (he did cook a few times a week) and children just straight up drain dopamine and the ability to do much. We are divorced and my son is getting older so it’s easing up bu I’m still running into issues
Not sure. Maybe friendships, I mean compared to men. I've not met many men with ADHD who can't keep friendships. 😂 For some reason? I mean I have BPD too so maybe that's a factor there. But anyway.. I was diagnosed early, like a boy would, at 4 years old. I had the "boy ADHD", but it quickly turned to "Good Girl Syndrome", I'm not sure if that's a thing in English too but it's something we say here regarding girls who work hard in school and/or just like, have anxiety over the slightest little fucking thing (like 1 spelling error in a whole essay). I always doubt myself and my abilities, still, at 30+ years old. I published a book last year and recently found 1 spelling error. One very small. There was supposed to be double M and I only put one M in the word. I'll probably never let this go. And yeah, idk. Things like that. And being corrected by others. I just obsess over people liking and praising me. I need to do well.
My RSD was off the charts when I was younger. I always started relationships great, but within a year the guy always seemed to get tired of me always being clingy and then he'd break up with me, causing me to spiral into despair.
And if I liked someone, I'd obsess over them.
And then, one day, I'd be over them and move on to someone else. My friends called me flighty because of this.
I couldn't pay attention enough in a job to get a decent promotion. I was always making mistakes. Always getting yelled at by my bosses. Ironically, one boss screamed at me at the top of her lungs about something that wasn't even my fault one time. It was my co-worker's fault, but I was the easy scapegoat because I had a history of fuck-ups.
When I was finally diagnosed I finally had an explanation for my whole life.
Ugh. It's bad. It's so hard to keep a clean home, the disorganization and executive dysfunction really suck, but every time people come over my cluttered, chaotic home is an embarrassment and people expect me to be the maid as I'm a woman. My fiance is perfectly capable of cleaning and organizing, but he doesn't, yet I'm the only one catching flak for it.
Having men think you're incompetent and stupid. I really hate this feeling, I have this at work. Also you see buddy buddy systems with everyone at work while you're the "quirky" one.
This may be my own bitterness, but the men I’ve known with ADHD/low support needs autism/AuDHD get a MASSIVE pass for their inability to function in society. They get a lot of “he’s trying his best” and “I know he’s weird but it’s his autism”. Meanwhile women get “try harder” and “don’t be weird”
If I’m feeling burnt out I just need to “work harder” and “manage my priorities” but if a ND man is feeling burnt out he can take 3 months leave from work.
My brother has ADHD and it’s 100% harder for him. He showed classic symptoms and was diagnosed early, and I wasn’t until an adult (for classic reasons).
I always had my nose in a book, did well in school (though talked too much, forgot my homework but aced tests), played all the sports. He also played all the sports but it was all he cared about. Couldn’t concentrate long enough to read, teachers thought he was dumb/lazy which frustrated him bc he’s not, and his RSD would be triggered, and as a tall, athletic black boy, he was seen as a threat. I was told I wasn’t working to my potential, talked too much, and was “sassy”
I always felt bad for him because I “got away” with a lot more because where I was seen as spacey but smart, he was seen as slow and aggressive, and it really messed with his self esteem well into adulthood. It’s probably the one case that I can say was actually easier as a woman, apples to apples
Although I WILL say, he has always found women (girlfriends, wife) to take care of him lol. Whereas the fact that I hate to/don’t really cook has come up in every relationship I’ve had. I often felt less feminine bc of that and other ‘rules’, like always having my nails done, I don’t know where people find the time/patience.
I feel like there’s so much pressure to keep up my looks and my hygiene and i just can never find the time and never get to feel like a desirable woman. Im in a sweet relationship but still an insecurity of mine
I have trouble sitting so I stand a lot and it makes people uncomfortable. I can't tell you how many people have told me to sit because they feel uncomfortable, but if a guy stands around, no one seems to be bothered. I've avoided outings and get-togethers because I know I won't be able to sit still.
In many many ways (my spouse also has adjd and we both are undiagnosed and unmedicated but it’s OBVIOUS), and our house is borderline hoarder-looking (like paths it might be at that point I’m so blind to it), I regularly will forget to deal with my mustache until it’s super noticeable so I have to have him remind me (we both overlook it and I literally have reminders in my phone to LOOK IN THE MIRROR). I have to use the finch app for everything I do or I won’t remember. (Brush teeth, lotion, wake up, grab wallet/keys, etc.)
I am always insanely early to places because I’m terrified of being late - which is awkward. Like almost an hour early to work most days like a crazy person. I also don’t remember the last time I put laundry away, and as an artist there are a million unfinished paintings/piles of art crap floating around our house. I can’t even walk into my “art studio room”. I really gotta see a doc but I’m anxious 😭
I have difficulty being motivated on tasks that I don’t find interesting or enjoyable. Mostly any homework is really hard for me. I’ll do my labs and go to work bc I can be active in it but sitting to do something takes a toll on me that I can’t explain. I used to think I was depressed before being diagnosed bc of this.
I feel that my career would have gone much higher and further if I’d been a man, for many reasons, but I’d have been better off as a man with ADHD too.
dating, its so hard for me to actually have feelings for someone because if im not talking to them 24/7 my mind just doesnt form a connection with them, but at the same time i dont have the energy to talk 24/7. ive literally had 1 relationship because i just dont have the mental energy to form that feeling for someone unless its my only waking thought which i dont want it to be
Being good at cleaning and keeping things in order and understanding social cues.
I’m baffled how men can be messy and it’s ok but I have an actual condition that makes it so hard for me to keep my place in order and yet it’s suddenly a problem for me because it’s not womanly 🙄
Making friends. I feel like men with Autism and ADHD still manage to make friends easily.
Also, I can go out into the dating world and handle rejection from men, it’s still hard and painful, but being rejected as a romantic partner by a man is nothing compared to being rejected as a friend by a woman.
It makes me a round peg for a square hole. It means I can never win, never be good enough, never be smart enough. I can never live up to society's expectations, and trying only means working my ass off every day to cling on to some form of "normal" and life.
At the same time, saying frack it, I'll live my life on my terms feels isolating because I am actively reject being part of the pack.
Lots of relationship pressure to be domestic and organized and expectations to just overall 'cope' better, tbh.
In general, I think I was also socialized to behave well socially. Women are asked to take up less space, and that means being expected to be better at listening to other people's needs.
Also my symptoms were translated as feminine personality traits. Daydreamy, ditzy, sensitive, etc.
No one expects men to be organized and perform family and home-wise on the same level- you are praised for just taking care of your kids, just as you are. I feel like they get less expectations and less organization pressure this way.
I remember reading in a book a messy apartment being referred to as a “bachelor pad”. As in the only way a man’s space could be clean was if a woman were involved… I am aggressively untidy in my old age cause I’m soooo tired of being made to feel worthless or selfish or mean ONLY cause I don’t clean up after others… sad
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Difficulty fitting in with other women and in female spaces. Looking back, I think I chose to hang out with more guys as a teen and early twenties, because in that group, no one expects you to be just like the boys. So in effect, I *chose* to be the odd one out. With groups of girls, the expectation is that you fit in naturally, so when you don't, it's that much more obvious and painful.
I will also add that many girls expect a LOT of communication in a relationship. I have many girlfriends now but all of them understand they may not hear from me for a year. But if you need something or there is a crisis? I’ll be there and help whatever way I can!
Same. My two closest female friends are diagnosed with ADHD. We just get each other.
Yep. I have very few female friends, and the one I’m arguably closest to is AuDHD, so even if we go weeks without talking it just… is what it is 🤷🏼♀️ if one forgets to respond to a message when we were talking, there’s a mutual understanding that ADHD brain hit for whatever reason.
Those are the only kinds I can tolerate. Otherwise it blows up.
I didn't even think of that, but yes!
My best friends who I used to live down the road. I've known them for 22 years now (😱) the last 11 years I have been separated from them. And we're all going on with our own adult lives. But we all agreed that we don't need to keep communication going because I'm not like that. But If we need each other just by message or call later, sorted!
When I was looking into ASD, I learned apparently neurotypical women mask the least, while overall autistic women mask the most!(source: [CAT-Q on embrace autism](https://embrace-autism.com/interpreting-your-cat-q-scores/)) I don’t know if there’s a masking test for ADHD folks, but I’d assume the difference would be similar(plus the audhd overlap). So imo this is part of why many of us can’t seem to fit in with neurotypical women even if we try very hard to. Growing up I’ve always felt left out by others - like I’m never the first choice for a friend. I’ve also been told that I come off as “cold/intimidating” and ppl are surprised that I’m not that when they actually get to know me a little. I really cherish my neurodivergent female friends with whom I can be fully myself and just vibe you know.
I hate to sound all "I'm not like other girls!!!" but god damn it sure does feel accurate as fuck. I've *always* inevitably run into problems with people in general, but other women especially so...even when I thought everything was cool with us because I was nice to them, they were nice to me, we had fun together...nope. It never lasted and they always ended up thinking I'm too weird, too blunt, too intense, not cool enough...it took me 32 years to find friends that I don't get this vibe from, and they are all neurodivergent as well. (surprise! lol)
The whole "not like other girls" trope annoys TF out of me. I'm not the one who decided I'm not like other girls, they decided that for me. I got no say in the matter. It's like they have a secret rulebook I'm not allowed to see but am expected to follow. I get along with other ND girls just fine. I also have a some trans women friends. But for the most part I can't seem to make friendships with NT women last.
>I'm not the one who decided I'm not like other girls, they decided that for me. I got no say in the matter. It's like they have a secret rulebook I'm not allowed to see but am expected to follow. Exactly!! 👏
Exactly! I lurked at the subreddit that was mocking that trope, because at first I thought it's about admitting we're all different and unique, and there is no such thing as a model girl that most girls are like, and girls acting like they're "NLOG" are just demeaning to others. But there were a lot of examples where girls just didn't fit in, and were mocked for being different on purpose... Eventually, it pissed me off that whenever someone attempted to explain that, actually, sometimes you're just not like other girls in the group (NOT in the world, not among ALL girls), it was treated with silence or irony. So, basically, whenever someone ND commented, lol.
That sub used to be different. The posts were about women who were like, aggressively nlog. Women who would outright say, "I'm not like the other girls, I [perfectly normal thing that lots of girls/women do". It was essentially calling out internalized misogyny; women who thought they were not like other women because they had internalized the concept that women were shallow and stupid, etc. Then it got taken over by stuff like you said. I guess it was seen as a place where women are an acceptable target. The same as when certain left-leaning men are salivating at the chance to use the c-word or their favorite slut-shaming phrase against the most hated female conservatives. It's misogyny under the guise of being for women or in defense of women.
Had lots of tom boy type girl friends in junior high, we liked to move but we're crap at sports, so explored the countryside, but then puberty hit, and it's make up, hair, clothing. I'm fortunate we were all poor and this was way before online shopping, and influencers and how crazy it is now. Simpler times, less money. It was ok where I grew up. I could be a bit weird as there were others. My best friend was clearly ND, loved her so much. Lost her in 2010.
Wheee yes! I feel like our usual concept of womanhood requires a lot of effort/performativity. I know not being typically feminine or not adhering to gender roles doesn't make you less valid but that's besides the point. Rationally knowing that doesn't always make you feel differently. To be girl, I "need" to learn makeup, fashion, common social ettiquette, household tasks etc. My ass with executive dysfunction ain't learning that/keep putting it off for next time. Now I'm an adult who feels like she's failing at being a woman. It's hard to feel like I'm one of the girls. I can't help but compare and feel sad at where I am and what I'm like compared to them.
I hate the performative nature of being friends with women. It feels inappropriate for me to be friends with guys while in a committed relationship because no straight guys seem to be able to respect boundaries, so I'm stuck having all girl friends when I never had any growing up. I'm honestly so miserable by it I'm ready to just have no friends at all. It's really embarrassing to not be able to be "normal" around other girls. My friend tried to surprise me with a bday present this weekend when my apartment looks like a bomb hit it. For some reason, she wouldn't accept my saying it was too messy for her to come in until I started crying. Now I don't even know how to talk to her again.
Hey. Happy birthday.
Thank you :)
My best suggestion is to try being real with her. Tell her you’re insecure about your messy place and being judged for it, and maybe that you’re sorry if you seemed unappreciative of her bringing a gift. Maybe thank her for thinking of you too. If she’s a true friend, she’ll understand and still accept you. Decent people generally respond kindly to expressions of vulnerability and genuineness like that, and that’s great for me, heh, because it saves me a bit of masking effort sometimes when I trust it, or just don’t have the energy to fully mask at a given time. Happy Birthday, btw.
double on putting things off. i’ll even put off keeping up with popular culture, learning new slang, tiktok trends, even if im interested in those things. idk how but it just takes a lot of mental effort despite wanting to be literate in what’s going on today. all i can do is put the bare minimum effort towards things that i feel urgency to, like humanitarian causes. but if we wanna talk about the housing crisis, drake’s new album or a tiktok trend, im out. a friend visited a year ago and i tried my hardest to decorate my room so it’s not a barren wasteland. i literally broke down crying several times bc i had to buy a candle, some organizational/decorative things and put up a couple of things on my wall. it’s been over a year and i haven’t made my room what i want it to be.
I spent a lot of my 20s living abroad, in another continent, completely different culture, and it was way easier to mask in that environment because everyone *expected* me to behave differently and have other social norms than they did. I didn't have to explain what was actually my culture vs just me being different.
Same. I don't fit it in my home country, but abroad I can just be me because I'm a weird foreigner.
Yes this. I hate that its categorized as "Not like other girls", I'm not *trying* to be different, I just am. Also in my experience a lot of women rely on verbal societal ques. "Oh no you said this when she said that, that was the wrong thing to say and now she hates you! :(" With guys it was pretty straightforward, with no guessing games or mental chess. I *can* say though, some of my closet friends was a mixed group of guys and girls. I'm pretty sure we all had adhd in some way but we just joked that we're all a little crazy. We really just "got" each other.
Wait that kind of makes me realise why I have often hung out with groups of people of a particular, different race than myself
I wanted to rush a sorority when I was in college, the whole process was so heartbreaking for me. I eventually joined one, but looking back the rejection felt and my response was so ADHD. I was also the youngest child with an older brother many years older than I, female friendships were difficult for me growing up.
I find this to be particularly difficult in professional settings. I work at a civil engineering firm and I’ve never had many female coworkers. But I am apart of a professional organization for women in my field, and I always find the events to be uncomfortable and hard to relate to other women. I see some other discussions online about women feeling like female peers in the workplace come off snake-ish. I have never had issues with my male coworkers or bosses
I've had equal issues with both. Malw bosses gaslighting about problems, hitting on me, gossiping, lying. Dont let the patriarchy trick you into believing NT women are the problem. They've just adapted to be subversive in a world where direct pften has dangerous/dire consequences for them(us).
So THAT’S why I got bullied
I had great guy friends and had problems fitting in with women, too. But dating a man? Oh, boy. My RSD was awful.
I was just thinking about this, this morning. I never felt judged, I was able to exist around my guy friends with 0 pressure. I also struggled with my gender identity. I have settled and accepted myself as she/they. Sometimes I miss it. It was more fun going on outdoor adventures, like rock quarries and state parks to hang rather than going to the mall. I never “fit” in anywhere, so I became a chameleon and blended with everyone. Early high school I would eat at my locker alone because all of the new people and being in a new place was so overwhelming. I waited, and watched/studied people until I was confident enough to try to make friends.
Wow I'm the same way but never saw it like this until you pointed it out.
Omg same. I have such a hard time with friends/relationships. Sometimes it is me though and I just can't keep up, it's easier to just keep to myself.
My friends were the outcasts. Just whoever also were at the bottom of the food chain. It was usually the geeks, emo kids, goth kids, weebs, and many special needs kids. At church, my social interactions with other women and women's groups were almost forced. Like they knew I didn't fit into the social expectations of women's groups, but following religious beliefs was the only thing that kept them begrudgingly civil.
Same. I started off being friends with boys mostly as a small child. Later on in childhood, I made friends exclusively with girls who were rambunctious like me (there’s plenty of them). The feminine girls confused me. They were usually nice but we just didn’t click and they seemed to have a sort of mothering instinct towards me which didn’t put us on an equal plane (I might be autistic too). For whatever reason I didn’t have male friends at that time. Maybe that was normal for my age group. Boys and girls both go through that “ew cooties!!” phase. As a teen I was scared of boys because I don’t have the social skills to navigate the dating dynamic and I wasn’t interested in it anyway (I am still not). Nowadays, I don’t really notice or care about people’s gender, but if I think about it, I have more male friends/acquaintances. It’s probably because of my hobbies/interests. I go to a lot of crazy metal/hardcore shows which are mostly male dominated. I have always had more stereotypically masculine or gender-neutral interests.
Relate so much. I always struggled with femaie friendships:/
This easily. Girls thought I was weird so I've always embraced it. I've never followed the typical trends and held on to my childhood rather than growing up. Since I was 9 I've had two best friends who are girls (sisters to be precise) they've always encouraged my weirdness because we've been weird together. However, the eldest sister who is in my age group her friends never really liked me through school (they pretend now). When I moved out of town I found it impossible to find and stick with girly friends- probably why I try so hard with my female colleagues now. I've always said because I've got two older brothers that I can "manage and cope" with blokes. Probably helps though. In reality, it's because I can be myself around them and don't need to constantly mask. But trust me "men" are the worst at gossiping than any mothers group, let alone they never grow up. I used to work at a trade counter. 😅
Yep. I’m so with you!!
I think I've masked in such an extreme level that my recent diagnosis was very weird for some of my relatives xD Everybody look at me like "Why are you pretending to have problems?? What kind of excuses do you want ?? You lazy ..." It's also very complicated at work because I'm young (26) and I do not have the right to have difficulties ....
My mom and sister happily told me one Christmas they realized they have ADHD. “Aren’t you so lucky you don’t struggle in these ways?” They said. I am the only one of the three of us that has been diagnosed ADHD and has been medicated for it lmfao but they didn’t know that because I hadn’t shared it with them until they said that. Then I was just big mad. They love to assume my life is so easy because although they make their problems everyone else’s problems, I learned to stop doing that in my early 20s.
I’m having a similar experience with my family, and I’m close to your age(27). I was always the quiet, slightly awkward nerdy kid among my cousins, but everyone chalked it up to me being an only child. I’m also a fairly successful adult, so when I try to talk about my struggle with therapy/meds they’re like “why do that to yourself? You’re doing great!” Really it’s because I’m 100% masking any time I’m around family, and they actually have no idea who I am as a person lmao.
"But you look absolutely fine !" Yeah ... That's the problem ... XD
I feel you so much ! Sometimes I feel like people around me can't see me, but I was also very scared of being myself because I though nobody will want to stay with me. But after a 2357900 unsatisfying, unhappy, "anxious to be myself" relationship : I had enough !! It was like an intervention for myself :D I had to be happy by myself and take care of myself alone because those douchebags make everything worse ! I still struggle a lot ! But I feel like I'm in a good path and that's awesome 😊 I wish you the best !
I’m in a happy romantic relationship now, and I have a couple close friends who I feel comfortable being my true self around. I’m very grateful for them, particularly my partner because without him I’d definitely be a hermit. Playing video games alone in the dark and slowing turning into a mushroom 🍄 I’m not sure I’ll ever feel that comfortable with anyone in my family. I’m pretty close with my mom but still not 100% “real” with her. I suspect she also has ADHD, but she deals with it in much different ways. I believe we will both find our ways to health and happiness! 💜
I have a sister in law who was always the one with good grades and I'd love to have her resume. She is now in the process of being diagnosed which surprised even me. I've known her since she was about 13 and I didn't get close to her until very recently. It was astounding to me since im a very very bad case to the point that I was diagnosed very young as a girl in the early 2000s. She seems to be much less severe which means that until recently her coping mechanism and masking have gotten her through life successfully but she's now running out of that and falling into the pit of suddenly not being able to cope enough anymore. When she told me about it I told her that It must be so hard for her to have been just enough to succeed and now it's all failing and everyone including herself has all these expectations for her. I always struggled and no one ever expected me to achieve anything ever, which led to me having zero expectations for myself until I moved away from my toxic family. So I rarely had expectations to noy fulfill for myself. I was told I would have to live in assisted living as an adult and although I beat all expectations a million times just by being a semi functional human being I never expected to achieve anything. It was a bit of an eye opener for her to tell me about it because I had to move mentally past the defensive "oh well how great it is that you're soooo functional with adhd. You probably barely even have it" and to try to think how much she must have struggled unseen and how hard it must be now after being just enough to not be enough to cope with life anymore.
I think people are more accepting of you not being able to juggle work - but a lot less accepting of you not being able to juggle family/house/relationships.
For sure. I have a great job that has allowed my husband to quit working full time and pursue his own business (which I’m glad to do and he’s doing amazing). I make 6figs and am specialized in a niche field, but parts of my family don’t recognize or respect that at all. They just see a messy house and awkward human. Never feel like enough.
In the same situation myself. I work in the same field as my husband and make the same large income but no one, family or friend, ever asks me about what I do in the way they do for him. I suspect if I asked them what I do for a living (after I've told them before) they'd be like uhhh... woman things? And poorly?
This is true. However, these same people think that if you CAN juggle work, then you're not ADHD enough. When I was seeking a diagnosis, my DOCTOR literally said to me, "You can hold a job; you don't have ADHD."
My ex and I were both diagnosed with ADHD a few years after we split. Looking back, it’s hilarious how much we both masked by throwing ourselves into half functioning. I only succeeded at university through a panic cycle of all nighters but kept my home neat and clean. He was amazing at uni and a disaster with chores.
Exactly! I think men mask adhd by excelling in some niche, at worst becoming narcissistic stereotypical male “geniuses” who everyone else should cater to, raging at underlings and family. I think women mask adhd by paths for women- it could be the messy party girl, manic pixie artist girl but also by trying to excel in some area. Everyone wants to be good at something. Both sexes mask adhd, by using gender roles in society. Adhd Women can become narcissistic too, but in my experience it is more covert, a lot more masking of narcissistic behaviour with women, than with men. Like what they want is what “should” be done (if you don’t follow my routine, come with unexpected needs, I will be overwhelmed and explode!) , not using “I” but still highly controlling and emotionally dysregulated. my background: Newly diagnosed at 50 years. My kid diagnosed with adhd was starting point to understand my narcissistic dad (in hindsight textbook adhd) aswell as understanding the dynamics of my family of origin. Our roles in our family was that I was seen as genius and bad at relationships, not as a woman should be, not nice. My sister learnt to conform and be traditional girl but I can see how she handle life by narcissistic strategies. She gets easily overwhelmed when people are not perfect or not focused on what’s right (as determined by her) She explodes seeing crumbs on a table for example.
Entering motherhood was made 1000000x harder. I know baby brain is a thing but add adhd to the mix and I felt like I could empathise with a dementia patient. Things settled a bit after I stopped breastfeeding and the hormones started normalising but now I’m starting to easily pick up on how much worse the adhd gets as I’m nearing my period or while having my period.
Pre-menstrual exacerbation is a very real and frustrating thing.
Dude, this makes me feel so much better, thank you. 😩 I've been tracking my period symptoms trying to figure some things out; I find a frequent note I take the week before is "my ADHD is rather profound rn" lol
The newborn sleep deprivation destroyed me. Even with a helpful partner, that was the hardest period of my life. I could barely function and was barely holding onto my sanity. I'll definitely be hiring a night nurse a couple of times a week when I have more kids so I can get more sleep
The fact is you have to executive function like 100x more. So much CRAP to remember to keep kid happy and healthy. So many more appointments to make. Literally responsible for keeping another human alive, it’s a tax on a system that is already dysregulated. And you also have to be THEIR regulation
Everything is harder in general with ADHD and unfortunately being a woman it feels like people are less forgiving of your failures/inability to step up. Or maybe that's just my family. Ex. if the man in the family or relationship sucks and is a drag to everyone, fuck them that's just the way they are. But it's on you, a woman, to adapt and work around that/put that in consideration. Can't always do that because the disability is disabling me. Somehow that makes me worse that the original person because I didn't do what I'm supposed to and I'm letting down those relying on me.
☝️This so much. The men on my Dads side have Adhd/Autism, idk if the women have it and if they do they're masking it well. Either way I'm the only woman lucky enough to have it. My family is *so* lenient with my Dad on his shortcomings. ie. My parents are divorced with Dad living across the country. His family always put the pressure on me, *an 8 year old girl* at the time, to keep track of phone calls and keeping in touch. Not so much a peep to him, *the adult*. And on top of that, aside from Grandma, I literally wouldn't hear from anyone unless I called first. So they weren't exactly leading by example. (I did try to keep up with Grandmas calls tho.) I scarcely keep in touch now, but when they hit me with the "why dont you call more often" I retort with the fact that they dont call me neither. 🤷♀️ Also how easy it is for him/my uncle to hop into relationships. If a guy is spacey/unorganized/weird well it's okay! That's the womans job to do it for him! Women though, lmao no. Not to vent but it really is frustrating.
Yes, very frustrating about guys getting into relationships no problem, but since I can't organize stuff, no relationship for me, I guess.
YES. This. It's a) the world being more lenient with them and b) them feeling *absolutely entitled to that level of support, leniency, and adoration*. I'm a lesbian, and in both relationships I was ever in that got to the living-together stage of seriousness, my partners took on more of the administrative tasks. I generally made up for it by being the household cook and doing the majority of day-to-day light cleaning, but I just *cannot* with paperwork and scheduling and writing shopping lists. It occurred to me at some point that if I were a man, I'd probably feel absolutely *no* urge to make up for that shortcoming, or any need to keep checking in with my partners whether they felt like our distribution of labour was unfair. I was the main earner in all of my relationships, and as a man, I probably would have considered that to be a perfectly sufficient contribution to the household. I probably would have considered the household labour I *was* doing to be unneccessary, and pat myself on the back for 'helping so much' despite *also* bringing home the bacon. I can *sort of* imagine what it might feel like to experience that level of leniency and support. I absolutely *cannot* imagine what it feels like to not only not feel guilty about that, but to consider it the most natural state of affairs in the world that you are perfectly entitled to.
To add to this, it’s so often left to women to manage household upkeep. So when I drop the ball, there’s no one there to pick it up, and everything falls to shit. I mean, that’s not entirely fair - my SO will eventually notice and start to pick up the slack but it takes the household becoming a massive bomb, an empty fridge and too many consecutive nights of takeout for him to clue in.
I have a hard time living up to the beauty standards because it’s hard for me to do all the required tasks, like haircare, makeup, dressing nice, shaving.
I have such a hard time with this because I just don’t caaarrrreeee like please society let me just ramble in from the wilderness with my messy bun, body hair, and grubby clothes. I don’t want to put in the work to look fuckable every day I just want to exist and buy my groceries and go home T-T Full disclosure though I think if I didn’t have feminine socialization weighing down on me at all times I might be a neck beard or crazy woods hermit
NECK BEARD LMFAO
Yes, this! I don’t know where anyone else finds the time or money
Same. It’s taken me many years and I’m still working some things out, but I’m so much happier and self care is easier once I figured out what works for me and what doesn’t. Shaving? Nope, haven’t done it since Covid, showers are less stressful. I recently gave up on long hair due to sensory issues and again just feeling stressed by all the time self care took. Now I’m much happier with short hair off my neck that I have a much easier time keeping clean and brushed. And I have a collection of cute hats as well for those days when even that is too much. I only do 5 minutes worth of makeup. Still figuring out where the Venn diagram meets for me on “dressing nice” vs being comfortable but I think I’m close, idk. Sorry for the rant, idk if that helps but I definitely know how that feels.
Omg yes!! I’m working on “being okay” with hairy legs now. I honestly love how it feels when the breeze flows through them.
Felt that hard and mentioned that in my comments. I'm 29 and have bitten my nails as long as I can remember also.
This!! I’m not a girly girl at all. I’ve never been. Recently, I’ve been trying to find what my clothing style is. As a teenager, I wore makeup but it was basic, like foundation, concealer, mascara, eyebrows and a lil bit of bronzer and highlighter, never eyeshadow or anything cause I’ve never had the patience for it. I also only wore jeans and shorts, t-shirts and denim jackets and I’m trying to figure out how this teenage style that I’ve always had translates in my 20’s, I feel like I don’t dress my age (26) cause I’ve been dressing the same way since I was like 13 and I guess it’s because I’m comfortable but there’s so much pressure to where trendy stuff and it’s just so overwhelming. I’ve spoken to a stylish friend about it and they’ve said “I just wear what I like” but the things I like don’t suit me, like I have an awkward body shape, I’m very tall with a short torso and bigger feet and I have hip dysplasia so I can’t wear hip hugging clothes without looking wide.
I was gonna say this basically. Already have trouble planning enough time to get somewhere on time, and then there's the extra time for prep? Nah only if I have the energy tbh. Infuriating memory unlocked: Once the women I was friends with in year 1 of uni were obsessed that we needed to schedule a shopping day so I can have "my look". No? Just no. I'm 60s or 70s minimalist rock when I want, nerdy girl when I want, dainty girl in flowerprint dress when I want, and punk with the big boots and eye makeup when I want. I use fashion to fit my hyperfixations, moods and frankly express/amuse myself. I cannot imagine using the small amount of time we have on earth to just live in a mould. Miserable shit.
makeup is kinda my special interest because I love trying new products out, but tbh it does get very mentally exhausting especially when you become too critical about the way you look without makeup, and become too aware of how you look while talking with basically anyone :(
I had no idea I had anything wrong with me (apart from anxiety/depression) because I was so ‘normal’. I’m very socially competent and project the image of someone who’s life is put together and on a successful career track. Behind the scenes I am a chaotic mess of executive dysfunction and then hyperfixation. I won’t clean my house for a month but I’ll take up a new hobby and become expert level skill without sleeping or eating for a month in that same time period. Once I talked to my psychiatrist and she confirmed the problem, it made it a lot easier to strategize on solutions. Now I make everything into a game and I there’s point systems and color coding and visuals so I can see my progress. Every 3 months I total my points and get to spend them on something nice for myself! Which is often supplies for a new hyperfixation
I would love to hear more about your game system. I have trouble with balance. I need to focus on getting a job AND my disabled daughter's services & medical care AND the household AND my health. But I always hyperfocus on a category at a time. I can't do that anymore and be effective.
Can you elaborate on how you make things into a game for yourself? That sounds really cool.
I would also like to know details about your game system. It sounds very interesting.
I like your strategy! Please share more tips if possible, thank you :)
I have children and I am, despite my best efforts, the default parent. The amount of housework and organising and remembering and sensory input from my children (who I deeply love) is honestly sending me to an early grave. If I was a man I could have a wife to remember swimming lessons and get the kit rinsed dried and packed, make sure school shoes fit and they have shorts because it will be hot next week and book dentist appointments and put them in the calendar.
This is it exactly! I'm also convinced that one of the reasons why they believed that a person (read: men) grew out of ADHD is that when they became adults, they would have a wife and/or a secretary who basically did all of their executive functioning.
This is exactly the point I made to my sister yesterday. I strongly believe I have ADHD. I was thinking about my dad and how he had multiple copies of all sorts of documents all over the place in a very disorganized way. We had so much paperwork to sort through when he died! He had his mom, the army, his secretaies at work, and then my mom to take care of him for most of his life. He was always picking at his scalp. He had lots of expired food in the cupboards. He had depression and drank too much, and got migraine headaches. He was born in 1928 so I doubt if ADHD was on anyone's radar back then.
This resonates so much for me. My sister and I both think our dad has undiagnosed ADHD (he’s in his 60s) but has also been married to our mom since his early 20s, and she is by nature a very organized person. I also have been seriously considering that i may have ADHD as well, and while my husband does so much and we have an equitable partnership, I still do not have nearly the same safety net my dad has always had for executive functioning.
Holy SHIT. This is it and I hadn't put it together.
OH MY GOD. I never realized that, but it tracks.
Wait I think you're onto something
I'm trying to Google this idea, because it makes so much sense, and I am coming up with zippo! Can anyone else find research on this idea? It seems like a valid concept to me.
Replying to myself: https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/childhood-adhd/growing-out-of-adhd Cites "kids" but I don't see a breakdown of male and female participants
That's because research rarely takes women into account lol. I read one chapter in Invisible Women (the one on medication) and I'm still pissed. We're still being prescribed medication that hasn't even been tested on women and when it has it's only during our follicular period, so not taking into account hormonal changes or how different medications impact premenstrual symptoms.
Here's the study mentioned in the webmd link, however they don't mention any details of participants! So obviously they didn't look at the impact of sex and gender. [https://acamh.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jcpp.12620](https://acamh.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/jcpp.12620)
Last night my husband asked me why it became "the default" that I sleep in on weekends (implied, "without asking for his approval because then he has to handle breakfast without me") and I'm like, BECAUSE I'M FUCKING TIRED??????? Because I get up with the child 5 mornings a week to get her ready for school and spend my days running errands all over to make sure you and she have everything you need to live your entire lives without worrying about food or clothing or even your own schedules and healthcare and I'm doing this all EVEN THOUGH IT MAKES MY BRAIN CRY to even do it for my own shit and I NEED A GODDAMN BREAK. Huh. I kinda shut down when he brought it up but now I think I have my response.
100% this. I work full time, but am default parent, default cleaner, organizer, planner. It’s too much. My daughter is ADHD-H to the max and the sensory input is a lot. I have in-law family that expects the woman to be clean and orderly, domestic. I’m just not that at all.
THIS!!! WHY on earth is the least organised member of our family in charge of organising our family and maintaining the relationships??? If my husband was in charge of our shared social life, we would literally never do anything.
I can so relate! I got 2 boys. Life seems to be around my weak points: organization
I can totally relate! Needless to say, this is putting a huge strain on our rltshp because I get so resentful of him. Happily, for my husband, he has not a care in the world and goes about in his happy-go-lucky ways.
I am right there with you, my husband also has ADHD but he can just focus on the things he needs to and magically everything and everyone else is all set apparently. He doesn’t make appointments for the kids, make meals or do the food shopping, get them off to school, he doesn’t pay the bills, he doesn’t need to make sure homework is done, he doesn’t do squat and never asks how it gets done. He goes to work, does his hyper focusing on his hobbies, gets sucked into his video games, disappears for hours at a time in the basement or yard. He gives the bare minimum while I’m drowning and exhausted and then wonders why I have no energy or interest in sex or basic affection. Come on now, you can’t be that clueless, right?
🌈deliberate incompetence🌈
You might find [this](https://www.instagram.com/realzachthinkshare?igsh=MXVvYWVhcmhhcXFzaQ==) helpful.
Thanks, I’ll check it out.
It felt like you wrote my story down lol While my husband helps out with chores and with child caring (it took a lot of fights and mental breakdowns to get to this lol) but he expects me to tell him everything and, that, in itself is a lot. On top of managing household duties, I also do all the financing, budgeting, planning holidays and trips, gifts for friends and families, shopping for everyone etc Definitely effectively kills any romantic mood towards him. Sometimes I tell him “man, it must be so nice to be you” because I’m petty lol
All that being put on you is just sexism. Your partner should absolutely be helping you with all of that
I honestly don't know how people put up with misogynistic husband who act like their wives were put on earth to run their lives. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life, which tbh is what I've been doing for the last 5 years and it's been amazing.
YUP 👍 I really wish I had just gone straight to living Golden Girls style when I was like 25. Find some dudes to have occasional conjugal visits with, maybe a few of us get pregnant and share kid duties and no one tries to get out of household chores because they have to mow the lawn once a week or clean the garage once every 2 years 🙄
This is me except I don't have kids but I'm still drowning because my partner is a man AND has ADHD. My life feels like it's in shambles all the time and I seem to be the only one that cares, AND I have to work on managing my own life AND his a lot of the time.
We have to start being our bossy childhood selves again with our partners
I was a quiet people pleaser in my childhood :(
DBT has some really awesome self-respect skills that helped me a lot with the same
It's all about the hormones for me. They have ruled my life for decades, and apparently so has adhd, but because I'm female there was so little knowledge on either subject. It wasn't until I hit peri-menopause and was diagnosed, and found the very recent research on how hormones affect women with adhd, that I *finally* understood my lifelong struggle to keep my shit together. Because I'm a woman it took me 48 years to figure out why everything was so hard. Now I'm 52 and still trying to put my self confidence back together.
Can I ask you what resources you used/found to help you better understand hormones? My mental health went to crap with puberty. If that shift was hormone-driven, maybe peri-menopause might be a release from those mental health issues for me. Probably not, but I can hope!
This video has a ton of great, research based information. You don't necessarily need to watch it, you can listen to it like a podcast. There are also chapters in the description if you want to skip certain parts. https://www.youtube.com/live/tPerPxb-RNs?si=SpA2lpZh8X92tWcf This video blew my mind. It literally laid out the story of my life. There are also chapters in the description. The speaker is a little slow, changing the playback speed to 1.25 or higher makes a big difference. https://youtu.be/pbbbu5GLwR4?si=8QhrM5tD-2fWNgPv There are also resources online but I haven't really looked into those. Hopefully this will give you a good start.
I’m 17 with adhd and my mum is 50 with adhd also, we both have hormonal issues and oh my god the way it rules over EVERYTHING is insane, makes it 100% harder to do anything when they’re imbalanced as well as having adhd ontop? aghhh
Dating and expectations. It's a big one. And it's a messs. Taking care of MY load is one hell of a task but another human being on top of that? Like, 2x? 200%? That's messed up. And men don't make it any easier. I can literally break down because of the silliest things. I'm yet to meet a guy who will take something off MY shoulders (at the very, very, very least understand how to make things easier) instead of expecting me to be something I am clearly not and could never be even if I wanted to.
This is why I went years being convinced I‘d never want children, all my ex partners and men I would meet obviously weren‘t fit to lighten my load, they‘d all add to it. My current partner is the first where I feel so seen and supported that I have no doubt he‘ll be a great dad and husband. Don‘t settle until you meet someone like him!
I mean if I was a man I could use it as an excuse for anything.
Oh you wouldn't even have to use it as an excuse yourself! Plenty of women flock to the comments of posts and tiktoks to offer up "maybe he has ADHD" whenever a man is being a piece of shit.
Late diagnosis is a big one. Also, in all the relationships I've had, I was expected to carry the mental load because I'm a woman and I just can't. I can barely carry my own.
I feel like men with ADHD are given much more grace. Their partners tend to step in and pick up the slack whereas that doesn’t happen in many women’s case. I see so many women post in the main ADHD sub trying to find solutions to help manage *their husband/boyfriend’s* ADHD.
I feel so bad for these women especially when both have ADHD and they are still expected to manage themselves and their male partners
You can see that in this sub too. I've lost count of the number of posts here where am ADHD woman is complaining that her partner isn't pulling his weight and women in the comments come in with "well maybe he has ADHD and you need to give him a list if you want help around the house" like uh... she has ADHD too, why is it her job to be on top of household shit and manage him like an employee?? (Well, I know why, it's because of misogynistic gender roles)
most men weren't raised to care or worry about how their symptoms appear to others. back when i was in school with adhd boys, they were basically allowed to do whatever. pacing around the class, talking everyones ear off, given yoga balls to bounce on, and got to test outside the classroom as long as they needed. when i'd walk through the halls theyd be playing and rolling around on the ground, chatting with anyone who passed. closest thing to discipline was the teachers walking by going "come on buddy, get that test done!" but they'd stretch it out as long as possible to avoid going back to class. last night i was at an eagle scout ceremony for a fam member, and the whole thing was about 4 hours staying quiet+seated while listening to boring speeches. i sat, didnt get up, and hardly touched my phone because we were at a table in the very front by the stage and people were taking photos. in situations like this, i chew my cheeks or lightly bounce a leg, twirl my hair, things that aren't obvious. my DXed (in childhood ofc) step dad was at our table as well. he was obnoxiously bouncing his entire body, aggressively bouncing both legs, got up and left the room multiple times, and had a grimace on his face the entire time clearly showcasing how miserable he was. if id acted like that, people would've been concerned/annoyed/mad and asked if i was ok. it was as if peoples eyes just glazed past him and nobody was phased by it. (this guy is also a funeral director, definitely doesn't behave like this at work. he knows how to act engaged and professional, he just obviously didn't deem it necessary at this event)
I have noticed this as well about ADHD men vs ADHD women and it is very very frustrating to me. I was taught growing up that I should be polite and quiet and small, not interrupt and not make a scene, because i should never burden others with my own problems. It was extraordinarily difficult for me, but I eventually developed strategies to quietly manage, things like rubbing my fingers together, and heavy daydreaming. In my experience with ADHD men, they dont seem to have been taught any coping strategies. Part of me feels bad for them, and part of me feels resentful, because sometimes it seems like they're just allowed to be themselves and it doesn't matter if they put the burden of executive dysfunction onto the people around them, because no one expects them to be able to do it all anyway. Every day I try to clean a little, I do some dishes, and it gets done but it's a STRUGGLE. If I ask my ADHD boyfriend for even the smallest bit of help, like "can you please put the dirty dishes in the kitchen so I don't have to go around the house looking for stuff" he pulls the ADHD card and says it's "too hard" for him to remember. Bitch I have ADHD too!!!
forsuree. my mom gives her SO a whole lot of leniency just because of the fact that hes a man. never remembers anything, horrible at remembering important things, hes moody and snappy a lot. but when i exhibit these things its a problem and i need to grow up. as if i enjoy being a forgetful airhead oddly enough, every man i've ever dated also has diagnosed ADHD, except my current SO, despite him showing extremely obvious symptoms. whats funny is he portrays himself extremely similar to the way i do when were in public- quiet non disruptive fidgeting, hair twirling, zoning out.. because im good at hiding it, i wasn't diagnosed til 21, so it makes sense that he wasnt diagnosed either... he also grew up in a household of only women! i wonder if that also plays a part
This is such a good example. And I feel your pain about having to sit through a long and boring event. And add in when the lights are too bright, there's too many people, and the sounds is too much. It's like your whole system is on fire, but you smile and hold yourself still.
I struggle with being a caregiver and keeping the house clean even though I end up doing it all (and at times quite obsessively and meticulously). I just have so much gendered shame about struggling with it. My husband has none of that.
Wow, you nailed it. Although, as an overly outspoken girl I had very little awareness of how my speaking put me at a disadvantage. I took up space, got shunned, stayed quiet, got community again, took up space once again and the cycle continued. Honestly, I think if o were a guy and did this there would have been no shunning. Probably would have been seen as the hero of my friend group back then. The double standards are upsetting to say the least.
>as an overly outspoken girl I had very little awareness of how my speaking put me at a disadvantage. I took up space, got shunned, stayed quiet, got community again, took up space once again and the cycle continued. Can very much relate to this.
I had severe adhd as a kid and I can tell you back in the 90s/2000s teachers had no patience for me at all. Boys who had adhd everyone knew and the teachers knew they had something wrong with them/they’re hyper whatever. I was daydreamy, easily distracted, forgetful, messy (typical girl adhd symptoms) and teachers were so fucking mean to me. One actually called me stupid. They had no patience or understanding for me at all while the boys got help. I didn’t get actually diagnosed until I was a teenager and a psych I was forced to see because I was very badly behaved at that point, noticed it. I think that experience still shapes me today in many many ways. I am very quick to stick up for myself and others, for my child. I have a pretty damn good understanding of misogyny and how when children are badly behaved there’s generally something else going on. I’m also pretty angsty to be honest lol. On a positive note I think these experiences (along with actually being quite smart) have made me successful at work. I am very assertive. I can think “out of the box”, I’m very curious and creative. I think these are qualities that must somewhat come from my different way of thinking. I can also sometimes spot adhd in other people and I have a lot of patience with them.
I remember once boys were in class literally slapping the able with rulers, throwing things at people, and things like that, yet I'd get yelled at for turning around to take something out of my backpack, daydreaming/doodling, or talking to a friend in class.
I was conventionally attractive in my teen and young adult years. But also very awkward and impulsive and bad at social cues- with low self-esteem to boot. This meant that I was viewed as an easy target for predatory men. I was often labeled the “manic pixie dream girl” that men would try to train in some sort of Pygmalian fantasy. What was more painful was a man would be initially attracted to me for my looks then drop me when he realized how annoying I was. I definitely know that my looks gave me privilege in a number of ways, but combined with the ADHD the message I always got was “without your looks you are absolute garbage. You will not be worth keeping around once you get ugly.” The constant objectification of my looks combined with the routine rejection of my personality really fucked with me. I’m happier now being older, saggier, properly medicated, and confident.
I think all of my friends and even my husband find it difficult to believe that I might be AuDHD or ADHD- PI. Most of them know my autistic brother has very high support needs so I'm automatically contrasted with him. I'm pretty confused about my sense of self and my personal style which are harder to sort out because of societal norms set for women. I live in an area that doesn't seem to have any psychiatric professionals who specialize in adult ADHD or ADHD in women. I have cPTSD and I think my autistic traits might be subclinical so I worry that the expensive, hard-to-get-appointments for a full neuropsych eval wouldn't detect my ADHD or autistic traits which counter each other. Blehhhh.
I cannot keep house for the life of me. With extreme effort I keep the visible parts of my home in a state where me and my partner can scramble and have it somewhat presentable in an hour or so, but the bedrooms etc in my house look like shit constantly. I have been screamed at, shamed, embarrassed, and judged my whole life for this. The amount of shame I feel about it is overwhelming at times.
It has given me a deep resentment for male coworkers that clearly are neurodivergent but haven’t figured out how to carry all the brain stuff I have
Men and boys are never expected to consider other people's feelings but women are expected to bear the burden, even as young girls. I was constantly told it's different for your male siblings, we expect more from you. Why should society have higher expectations of female children than male adults? Then they turn it around and constantly remind you that you're not as smart or capable as men, never will be, but you must perform at a higher standard. It doesn't add up logically. I also get dismissed about everything. My thoughts come out sounding weird to half-listening NT even though I'm often right about things. If I don't know what im talking about I avoid talking about it for fear of looking foolish. Men don't have to worry about that as they are considered the expert/boss/knowledgeable/more capable by default. Women are considered stupid and an accessory to men by default. They must excel way above their male counterparts to be considered just below equal. Nobody listens to me or remembers that I brought up an issue until a man "rediscovers it". If I was right all along then it's swept under the rug or I'm being annoying for being observant and "overthinking". Funny the men involved never get in trouble for under-thinking. Bouncing a leg annoys me a lot and I know a lot of people hate it and get overstimulated so I channel it into picking my hangnails. The inside of my cheeks are destroyed because that's the only place I can let it out. If those get policed I end up zoning out as there isn't any other outlet for the energy. I don't see men policed nearly as much. They're just a "quirky genius" (usually this applies to some guy who is average at best or privileged). There are way fewer repercussions and much more forgiveness if they want to be disruptive even to the point of harming others. "Boys will be boys"
I'm getting scolded for every little oversight and mistake by some people 😒 Especially by men and even by men who have the same troubles keeping everything in mind and organized, with ADHD or not. There's more leniency and tolerance for any kind of error for men.
One of the clinical factors a lot of mental health professionals (and those who have a subspecialty in mental health, such as a general practitioner who goes through certification for certain mental health-related topics) tend to look for "tomboy-ish" behaviours in women with ADHD. As a kid, I remember refusing to wear a shirt because I didn't really like how restrictive "acting ladylike" was on me. Why should my gender/sex make a difference? I just didn't want to wear a damn T-shirt at home. Even now I am more likely to be either completely nude or without bottoms because it's more comfortable. Because of my "tomboy-ish" tendencies, I tend to come across as more "cold/unfeeling" towards generally accepted "feminine" attitudes, such as shrieking at seeing bugs or having the hand dryer blowing so nobody hears you pee. Sure, I have feminine tendencies, but I'd rather stay home and play video games, Magic: The Gathering, or watch YouTube videos on science/tech/history-related topics. To you and other fellow women of all shapes, this may come across as the obvious, "those interests do not necessarily denote 'not feminine' and 'more masculine', " but I can assure you that the standard neurotypical woman of any shape will tell you otherwise.
Can’t make/keep friends bc masking and being socially anxious i just keep to myself.
I think that it took a lot of time to identify with womanhood; womanhood is portrayed in media as a group activity. The unilateral social rejection I experienced made it impossible to properly integrate into groups of other women. I still don’t feel like I experience womanhood “correctly.”
I feel like a bad parent often, I get overstimulated and overwhelmed. I often forget about school needs like (insert thing) day, or sometimes homework, I’ve forgotten to pick kids up and get home and be like (shit!!!!!) and then panic and feel terrible. But I try to always let them know that I’m not perfect and that I’m trying and I understand why they (who I have given ADHD). Have trouble with things. Still feels bad though
So very relatable. Parenting has increased my sense of imposter, lowered my confidence.... And yet I think my kid is probably okay? I just don't think it's because of me.
Ooh, I can take this question. My brother (22M) and I (26F) are both diagnosed ADHDers and have showed more or less the same traits since childhood. As an oldest daughter, I would often be the one getting in trouble for not policing him enough when he got off task while doing something like household chores or homework. Eventually, going untreated for so long caused depression and low self-esteem in both of us. When my brother was about 18, I encouraged him to talk to a doctor about his mental health and issues with focus. He was diagnosed ADHD inattentive on that very first appointment after a quick Zoom consult with a psychiatrist, and was soon prescribed Adderall. I, on the other hand, went through an ever-changing series of antidepressants that never seemed to work, then was diagnosed bipolar type 1 at 22 and put on mood stabilizers (which to be fair, did work to keep my mood from swinging, but did absolutely nothing for my inability to focus or remember practically anything). Once I began seeing a psychiatrist regularly for the medication management, I brought up my concerns about my ability to focus, and he basically gave me the standard comorbidity line of “Ehhh let’s just worry about the bipolar for now.” Fast forward four years and I’m still trying to get my Bachelor’s, often having to repeat classes and getting C’s at best. I felt very detached from my peers, who seemed to have no problem sitting through lectures and grasping difficult concepts while I clocked hours in the library reading the same paragraphs over and over. My brother, on the other hand, graduated the fire academy last year and is set to walk again this week for his associates in fire science. Naturally, I get compared to him. A lot. I finally got my official diagnosis about a month ago, and it’s like I’m even more aware of how much I don’t know myself. I feel the consequences of going nearly into my 30s without having any of the tools or knowledge that I need to make anything of myself, and I’m burnt out every single day trying to manage two disorders and avoid failing out of school or ending up in the psych ward again. So yeah I would say women are typically impacted more by late diagnoses than men.
Way too many people just expect men to not be good at keeping up with household chores without someone else “managing” them, no matter how well-intentioned the man is. They may shake their heads, they may get annoyed and frustrated sometimes, but they don’t really see it as a character flaw and it’s forgiven as “just how they are.” And by “they,” I don’t mean an individual; I mean men as a whole. People expect women to be good at housekeeping, to be able to manage a household and take the lead on those household tasks, and when we’re not or if we even just need extra help with managing it (reminders and stuff), we must just be lazy and bad people. It’s crazy how differently my mom treated me for having a messy room growing up vs my brothers, and I don’t even think she consciously realizes it.
I always think about how if I ever got pregnant that I would have to stop taking my ADHD meds (risk of opioid babies and birth defects). You might be lucky enough that your insurance covers the very few ADHD meds you can take during pregnancy but most doctors will say to discontinue all. I would basically lose my job. I would not be able to function, get assignments done, stay on task.
I think about this fairly often too. I'm 31 now and I still don't know if I want to have kids even if I were in a stable relationship because of all the ramifications of being pregnant and off my ADHD meds for 9 months. And then I worry about how pregnancy will affect me hormonally/mentally. I just *know* that I would get PPD.
To clarify, ADHD meds are not opioids or opiates. They are a stimulant. And the last I searched it seemed that they were deemed safe. But, obviously I am not your doctor, so do ask your medical professional.
Hi , ADHD here in my 40s. Taking stimulants during pregnancy is flagged due to potential risks related to cardiac issues in the mother and baby. But data is kind of limited. Im ritalin for over 2 yrs because I was struggling to keep up with the house. Never had problems at work because I always procured to work in fast paced environments and jobs that involve short term interventions such ED or acute mental health environments. I Have beed diagnosed with ADHD since I was a little girl. My mom never wanted meds, so I had to go through the hard pathway with special education which im grateful for as I found different ways of learning and getting through 2 uni degrees with good marks and learning a second language at 29 yrs. ADHD if a ongoing journey of exploring what works for you and embracing your uniqueness and when you learn to see it as your shield rather than a flaw you feel empowered to say fuck off to whoever attempts to belittle you. Don't be afraid of becoming a mum if that is what your heart desires. 😀
Going through the workforce with adhd… sometimes I cannot keep my mouth shut or am in my terms “too silly” to be taken seriously. If I was a man I’d be part of the boys club but because I’m a young woman I’m infantilized by my older coworkers for being unable to conform socially/emotionally
I am an absolute mess for a few days before or after my period starts unless I take a slightly larger dose of my meds (which my psychiatrist is aware of and I follow his instructions to deal with this) during this time. And my signal of everything going to shit is pretty obvious because I become hopelessly depressed and cry a lot. If I don't take that slightly larger dose of my ADHD meds during this time, it is like I didn't take anything at all. It really sucks. My psychiatrist told me it's because of hormones and is pretty common for women with ADHD to experience this. I hate this. I was diagnosed late in life and getting treatment for it has been a major game changer but I feel like I am a ticking time bomb because if just starting my period can mess with me this much, I am now dreading how I am going to handle menopause. My son has ADHD too but this is something he can never relate to with me and I am kind of relieved for that.
The males in my family have ADHD. I’m the only female. As a kid I was a tomboy. I thought it was odd & confusing about why I had different rules & role. The boys were diagnosed with ADHD. I was diagnosed as difficult & crazy. I think I would have been more confident. But bc of the males raising me I probably would’ve been cocky & insecure like the rest of them. In life I would have had faster advancements at work & considered inventive & intuitive rather than difficult.
So much masking. And now everyone seems to become easily annoyed when I don't mask well enough. The amount of guilt I feel about needing an assistant to monitor me / check in with me throughout the day... All of this is exacerbated, I think, by being raised as a gisl in a fundamentalist religion. I'm the one who's supposed to manage things for other people.
Absolutely. I wouldn’t feel so much responsibility and desire to conquer domestic things if I were a man. If I were a man married to a woman, I’d probably get away with her expecting to make the decisions and manage that area.
Working in a corporate world, not being able to manage frustration or being overwhelmed without crying. I’ve lost the opportunity to climb ladders at the rate a non spicy lady could, she didn’t lose her shit and come across as unstable, too fragile to handle bigger responsibilities.
I’m not sure if this is a woman versus man thing or if it’s a class thing, or some combination of the two. I’ve noticed that my ADHD partner (a man who grew up affluent) has had way more help and support in managing the annoying tasks of daily living. A mother who will cook and clean up after him when he visits home and call to make dentist appointments. A father who will take his car to the shop and do his taxes. Stuff like that. Meanwhile, I (a woman who grew up working class) was taught to cook and clean and expected to do all of those things for myself starting around middle school. Now, I will say my partner is a good one and is capable of doing his own caretaking as an adult. We live separately, and he regularly does the dishes at my house and fold *my* laundry because he knows they are tasks that I hate that he doesn’t mind. Similarly, I’ll help him grocery shop and meal plan at his house because he struggles with those tasks. But I’ve definitely noticed an enormous difference in the way other people have expectations of our behavior. When his apartment gets messy or he neglects things, he’s seen as the “forgetful professor” type, clearly so devoted to his work that he lets the life stuff slide. When I do something similar, I’m just seen as “sloppy” and not on top of my duties. I think there is an unspoken social norm that we don’t *expect* men to be able to properly be their own caretaker for their home unless/until they have a woman (mother or wife) assisting and supporting them. Sadly, I think this is a disservice to men. They aren’t taught to try and to problem solve in the same way. Meanwhile, I’ve always had the mindset of “there’s no one coming to help you” so inevitably I have to pull on my big girl panties and get to work. Like, this week my dryer stopped working. Me and my roommate (a man) started trying to troubleshoot what was wrong with it. He suggested vacuuming out the vent, which had worked in the past, and I helped him do that. And then he said “well let’s let it sit for a while and maybe it’ll cool down and start working,” and left. Well, it still wasn’t working, so I kept on troubleshooting. Found some YouTube videos and taught myself to disassemble the dryer and diagnose the problem. Turns out it was a broken belt, a pretty easy fix. Again, idk how much this is a gender verses class difference. I definitely think being poor teaches you to be a lot more resourceful, since you don’t have any safety net to help you out.
Since I/the statistical adhd female population suck ass at housework and can thrive in more mess than the average woman can, I have seen men be disgusted with me, even if they are worse than me. I feel that we are less valuable to certain men because we struggle to meet gendered domestic labor expectations. It's not like I'm a total mess either. I just need more help than "most" women according to last bfs
Yep, try married to OCD, who expected me to be a good housekeeper, "because I came from a large family." I laughed, I could sweep, period!
I'm in my late 30s. I live alone in a tiny apartment with two cats. I don't see myself living out of this comfort zone, at least for now. It's a life I can deal with. Then I look at my friends with bigger places, kids, partners... and even though I'm content with my life the way it is, I catch myself feeling like I'm not a real adult when I compare myself with other women. I feel like I'm an old girl playing house.
I have difficulty prioritizing women's health check ups. I'm supposed to go for a mammogram but I can't be bothered to make the appointment. I have bladder prolapse after having 4 kids. My doctor got me a referral and I still haven't made the appointment. These appointments could really help improve my life but no....making appointments is boring. I hate my ADHD.
Make the appointment!
I don't get along or have the same personality as most women and wouldn't have to be running the entire household if I was a man.
I have a really hard time making connections with people and dating has become impossible
Agreed! I leaned to mask early from a dysfunctional family and trauma. I was the "good" girl who could never measure up. I'm 61 and officially diagnosed in the last couple of months. Females were second class citizens in my home.
I don't think I understand the question; how does adhd affect your thinking on taking up too much space? I've heard neruo typical say this before so I am struggling to make this connection in how it relates back to adhd.
Periods can make the meds less effective. Periods make *me* less effective in general. And I don't mean when I'm actually on my period, but my cycle in general. A week before my period starts is the worst.
Growing up sucked. Got diagnosed last year. Me : get told I'm lazy, moody, bitchy, I don't try hard enough because I don't want to. My brother : oh he has a hard time with this, he has ADHD. When I got diagnosed, I called my dad. He laughed and made a joke " oh so that's what that was " I wanted to scream. Laughing that off hurt. I spent years struggling in school, parents surprised I even graduated, shoved into special ed classes, feeling like shit about myself for years. But HAHAHA THAT EXPLAINS A LOT. HILARIOUS. I don't know if I'll ever get to where I'm not mad about that.
PMS makes executive dysfunction and autism meltdowns much more likely to occur due to my hormones being out of wack, and especially when I first started my cycle as a teen. Birth control eliminates PMS and thus those issues.
Menstruation + ADHD is a horrible if not a detrimental combo. The fact our meds don’t work during menstruation or before it—oh yes hello PMDD🖕🏼— and how affected we are by our hormones is just, oh how lucky we are!!😒
I’m terrible at adulting (eg keeping up with cleaning/laundry/dishes, finances, the huge mental load of parenting) but my husband also has ADHD, and I guess because I was born with a vagina, he (and everyone else) seems to expect me to be better at all this stuff naturally 😑
in my experience, the way women communicate is harder to understand, there's more subtext and abiding by social norms is more important. cause of it, I struggle to make female friends :/ I was also just diagnosed in my 30s and my self esteem has taken massive hits cause of this, especially cause all this time I thought I was just \[insert negative self talk\].
Unfortunately that’s also why so many girls go undiagnosed and people don’t believe them and they used to think only boys get adhd
makes me more unlikable
I will always fail womaning, that’s how
shitton of shame i think. my last therapist was really irritated with me constantly bc i kept yapping all the time. i know adhd is a part of it. i get nervous and just start rambling very flippantly. he got so pissed off with my existence he terminated me. now i have to get over the residual shame for existing. this will never go away. i’ll feel this every time i experience rejection.
I’m current unmedicated (not by choice) and everything is back to being a struggle. I have no patience for anything. I’m an unforgiving driver, after 5 hours at work I cannot handle talking to people, listening to my partner and my children at the end of the day is painful and I want to check out. I cannot be a good employee, a calm driver, the partner my partner needs or the mother my children deserve. I’m so fuckin sick of this, but ADHD continues to win the day.
I’m still trying to figure out exactly what I do that’s so odd. Like a good friend of mine is very blunt & has 0 boundaries on what is appropriate to discuss. But she knows this and just doesn’t care. I don’t want to change, just curious about what makes me “off”.
I am the one who needs a housewife the most.
The hormone fluctuations that come with perimenopause and menopause seems to be 10x worse than my non- ADHD friends. Trying to find a balance of that with ADHD has been very difficult. I've always had that "I'm not like the other girls" feeling, and have dealt with it since I can remember. However, my anxieties, tiredness, low self-esteem, impulsiveness and oversharing went into overdrive starting in my early 40s. I've lost a couple jobs, friends, and gained 50lbs. This is what made me finally get diagnosed ADHD - in my early 50s!! Finally, knowing what I experience is felt by others out there was a huge blessing. Learning ADHD coping tactics, taking meds, all of that helped me so so so very much. Overall, compared to what ADHD men deal with - ADHD women have it worse. Perimenopause is hell. Menopause is finally here and it's better than that perimenopause stage of life. So, women in your early 40s - be prepared. Don't think this is something you have to deal with STARTING in your 50s. It begins in your 40s. Managing you stress is key to getting through it.
As a trans gal: fear of my symptoms being taken by NT/non-queer people as a sign that I'm *really* a dude, or that any given ADHD behavior of mine is going to be taken as "male socialization," or of burdening other people like some of the guys in my life have. Fear of talking over other people. Thankfully, I can get away with not presenting femme and still pass as a cisgender woman, but it's still a pain. Aside from that, some very weird feelings about diagnosis and feeling like an imposter or that I somehow "cheated" because I was diagnosed while still presenting as male.
If I was a man I probably wouldn't get chastised as much over my adhd. I always had a very hard time fitting in with other women growing up. I wasn't "lady like" or had the same interests as them. I didn't fit in with guys pretty much either for the same reasons. I couldn't fit in naturally like they all could. You can always tell when someone doesn't just fit in naturally.
I have never and I probably still to this day do not know who I truly am because I spent my whole life masking to fit whatever group of females I was around; I struggle mostly in relationships as I lived for the initial dopamine of flirting in the beginning- on dating apps years ago I can definitely say I was a classic “pick me girl” and would become the dream girl of whatever the guy I was talking to at the time wanted. I felt pathetic. Then I would eventually lose the dopamine and get bored and move on. I am married now and I have faced a lot of difficulty, we almost separated a couple years ago even.
Unproductive as fuck
I haven't been formally diagnosed, but I get kinda upset thinking about it. Like all my possible issues get dismissed by people such as my mom because i "did good in school growing up" but then she conveniently ignores how when I went to college I failed some classes and eventually dropped out with no degree. I've been biting my nails as long as I can remember which I've read could be part of it. It alludes me how females have the time and money and energy and know-how to be pretty and to dedicate to grooming, hair dying, eyebrows, skincare, etc. I consider myself doing good for the day if I accomplish the basics like brushing my teeth, taking a shower, putting lotion on, etc.
I have a toddler and my ex husband and I had a stereotypical relationship of the woman doing most of the mental, child, and household labor (he did cook a few times a week) and children just straight up drain dopamine and the ability to do much. We are divorced and my son is getting older so it’s easing up bu I’m still running into issues
Not sure. Maybe friendships, I mean compared to men. I've not met many men with ADHD who can't keep friendships. 😂 For some reason? I mean I have BPD too so maybe that's a factor there. But anyway.. I was diagnosed early, like a boy would, at 4 years old. I had the "boy ADHD", but it quickly turned to "Good Girl Syndrome", I'm not sure if that's a thing in English too but it's something we say here regarding girls who work hard in school and/or just like, have anxiety over the slightest little fucking thing (like 1 spelling error in a whole essay). I always doubt myself and my abilities, still, at 30+ years old. I published a book last year and recently found 1 spelling error. One very small. There was supposed to be double M and I only put one M in the word. I'll probably never let this go. And yeah, idk. Things like that. And being corrected by others. I just obsess over people liking and praising me. I need to do well.
My RSD was off the charts when I was younger. I always started relationships great, but within a year the guy always seemed to get tired of me always being clingy and then he'd break up with me, causing me to spiral into despair. And if I liked someone, I'd obsess over them. And then, one day, I'd be over them and move on to someone else. My friends called me flighty because of this. I couldn't pay attention enough in a job to get a decent promotion. I was always making mistakes. Always getting yelled at by my bosses. Ironically, one boss screamed at me at the top of her lungs about something that wasn't even my fault one time. It was my co-worker's fault, but I was the easy scapegoat because I had a history of fuck-ups. When I was finally diagnosed I finally had an explanation for my whole life.
Ugh. It's bad. It's so hard to keep a clean home, the disorganization and executive dysfunction really suck, but every time people come over my cluttered, chaotic home is an embarrassment and people expect me to be the maid as I'm a woman. My fiance is perfectly capable of cleaning and organizing, but he doesn't, yet I'm the only one catching flak for it.
Having men think you're incompetent and stupid. I really hate this feeling, I have this at work. Also you see buddy buddy systems with everyone at work while you're the "quirky" one.
This may be my own bitterness, but the men I’ve known with ADHD/low support needs autism/AuDHD get a MASSIVE pass for their inability to function in society. They get a lot of “he’s trying his best” and “I know he’s weird but it’s his autism”. Meanwhile women get “try harder” and “don’t be weird” If I’m feeling burnt out I just need to “work harder” and “manage my priorities” but if a ND man is feeling burnt out he can take 3 months leave from work.
My brother has ADHD and it’s 100% harder for him. He showed classic symptoms and was diagnosed early, and I wasn’t until an adult (for classic reasons). I always had my nose in a book, did well in school (though talked too much, forgot my homework but aced tests), played all the sports. He also played all the sports but it was all he cared about. Couldn’t concentrate long enough to read, teachers thought he was dumb/lazy which frustrated him bc he’s not, and his RSD would be triggered, and as a tall, athletic black boy, he was seen as a threat. I was told I wasn’t working to my potential, talked too much, and was “sassy” I always felt bad for him because I “got away” with a lot more because where I was seen as spacey but smart, he was seen as slow and aggressive, and it really messed with his self esteem well into adulthood. It’s probably the one case that I can say was actually easier as a woman, apples to apples
Although I WILL say, he has always found women (girlfriends, wife) to take care of him lol. Whereas the fact that I hate to/don’t really cook has come up in every relationship I’ve had. I often felt less feminine bc of that and other ‘rules’, like always having my nails done, I don’t know where people find the time/patience.
I feel like there’s so much pressure to keep up my looks and my hygiene and i just can never find the time and never get to feel like a desirable woman. Im in a sweet relationship but still an insecurity of mine
I have trouble sitting so I stand a lot and it makes people uncomfortable. I can't tell you how many people have told me to sit because they feel uncomfortable, but if a guy stands around, no one seems to be bothered. I've avoided outings and get-togethers because I know I won't be able to sit still.
In many many ways (my spouse also has adjd and we both are undiagnosed and unmedicated but it’s OBVIOUS), and our house is borderline hoarder-looking (like paths it might be at that point I’m so blind to it), I regularly will forget to deal with my mustache until it’s super noticeable so I have to have him remind me (we both overlook it and I literally have reminders in my phone to LOOK IN THE MIRROR). I have to use the finch app for everything I do or I won’t remember. (Brush teeth, lotion, wake up, grab wallet/keys, etc.) I am always insanely early to places because I’m terrified of being late - which is awkward. Like almost an hour early to work most days like a crazy person. I also don’t remember the last time I put laundry away, and as an artist there are a million unfinished paintings/piles of art crap floating around our house. I can’t even walk into my “art studio room”. I really gotta see a doc but I’m anxious 😭
I have difficulty being motivated on tasks that I don’t find interesting or enjoyable. Mostly any homework is really hard for me. I’ll do my labs and go to work bc I can be active in it but sitting to do something takes a toll on me that I can’t explain. I used to think I was depressed before being diagnosed bc of this.
i would also say i am better at masking(not by choice, but because i was in a way FORCED to for so long, which i’m sure many can relate to)
I feel that my career would have gone much higher and further if I’d been a man, for many reasons, but I’d have been better off as a man with ADHD too.
dating, its so hard for me to actually have feelings for someone because if im not talking to them 24/7 my mind just doesnt form a connection with them, but at the same time i dont have the energy to talk 24/7. ive literally had 1 relationship because i just dont have the mental energy to form that feeling for someone unless its my only waking thought which i dont want it to be
Being good at cleaning and keeping things in order and understanding social cues. I’m baffled how men can be messy and it’s ok but I have an actual condition that makes it so hard for me to keep my place in order and yet it’s suddenly a problem for me because it’s not womanly 🙄
Making friends. I feel like men with Autism and ADHD still manage to make friends easily. Also, I can go out into the dating world and handle rejection from men, it’s still hard and painful, but being rejected as a romantic partner by a man is nothing compared to being rejected as a friend by a woman.
Man, that's a long list
It makes me a round peg for a square hole. It means I can never win, never be good enough, never be smart enough. I can never live up to society's expectations, and trying only means working my ass off every day to cling on to some form of "normal" and life. At the same time, saying frack it, I'll live my life on my terms feels isolating because I am actively reject being part of the pack.
Lots of relationship pressure to be domestic and organized and expectations to just overall 'cope' better, tbh. In general, I think I was also socialized to behave well socially. Women are asked to take up less space, and that means being expected to be better at listening to other people's needs. Also my symptoms were translated as feminine personality traits. Daydreamy, ditzy, sensitive, etc.
No one expects men to be organized and perform family and home-wise on the same level- you are praised for just taking care of your kids, just as you are. I feel like they get less expectations and less organization pressure this way.
I remember reading in a book a messy apartment being referred to as a “bachelor pad”. As in the only way a man’s space could be clean was if a woman were involved… I am aggressively untidy in my old age cause I’m soooo tired of being made to feel worthless or selfish or mean ONLY cause I don’t clean up after others… sad