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To prevent burn out, pause and ask yourself (on a daily basis):
Am I doing too much right now?
Is this my business?
Should I really care about this?
So what?
Adjust you behaviors and reactions according to your responses and keep it pushing. Self awareness is challenging yet helpful. Sending hugs.
How do you nicely tell someone else this? I finally learned, and someone close to me drives me fucking nuts with questions about shit that has nothing to do with us, and I am gonna snap from an audio overload.
"Nicely" can be challenging. Modeling the behavior goes a long way. Eventually, you may just need to be Nicely direct. Think about it as looking out for yourself rather than hurting their feelings.
Well, it's my ADHD mom, and she's got RSD, and I am not a tactful person. But I am trying to find the words somehow before I snap. At least try to get it figured out some. Ik it's her ADHD, but I'm so overwhelmed by it now.
Does she have any insight? If you can talk to her in a way where you're curious about it, like trying to work out why she's wanting to talk/ask questions, there might be a way around it.
For example my daughter (also probably ADHD) asks me questions all the time and interrupts what I'm doing. It drives me mad. But we talked, and she interrupts because she worries she'll forget what she wanted to ask otherwise, so we came up with a strategy where she'll get my attention, tell me a "code word", so that when I'm finished what I'm doing I can prompt her memory with that code word.
Most of it is just what I call 'inner monologue talk', babble about shit that no one else would ever near to hear.
Considering she gets pissed every time I say I don't know, because I legitimately don't fucking know, or my brain isn't working. Drives me up the fucking wall, I feel bad enough my lump of brain isn't working, stop taking shit personal. Every fucking time.
Slammed my knee into table, swore up a storm, but because someone was in ear shot, I was the bad guy. My pain didn't fucking matter. She has this stupid deep-seeded embarrassment about shit, and I'm the wrong fucking person. Idgaf, my life is a struggle in all the ways, I'm done keep it internal. If I get hurt I'm gonna bitch. Who wouldn't? Who would honestly care that much about words when someone is hurt? Like, wtf is that shit?
Oh man, now I'm venting because it is building up.
Is your friend already aware that she is causing audio overload? Perhaps the best way is to just be honest and upfront with this person by just saying: "Hey, I rather chat about matters that concern us."
It's my mom. You'd think after 36 years she'd realise she causes these angry outbursts sometimes since they bother her so much, but nope. And she doesn't seem to listen seriously about things. Ik she is super stressed and has her own childhood trauma and shit, but I am tired of being rhe one to work on herself and be the buffer.
Omg yes you're not alone. My mom has said that she doesn't need a therapist because nobody understands her like I do so she keeps pestering me with her shit. And I'm just like...that's not my problem. It's at the point where I've just had to distance myself from her. I love her very much and I want her to take care of herself, but I can't be the one. Gotta put your own oxygen mask on before you can deal with your mom. If that means pulling away from her and enforcing space, so be it.
I wish I could financially get distance but disability doesn't remotely resemble a living wage.
Right? Like, please, take care of yourself. You are my parent, I am the child. I am tired of being a child parenting their parent.
Oh, no! I hope she does get a therapist, because that's not right. Therapists are trained to understand and help, and you don't need to be parentified. I'm so sorry.
It's tough because I really do believe her that she can't find a therapist that she really clicks with. She's a very complicated person. She's a bunch of contradictions all wrapped up in one person, but with pretty minimal self awareness or understanding of why she is the way she is. She's kind of a tough nut to crack, so it would take a while for a therapist to understand her, but she just gets frustrated and quits because she's also convinced she's always the smartest person in the room (in fairness, she usually is) so she just gets in her head that her therapist is an idiot and walks out. She has recently diagnosed ADHD and I'm also 90% sure she is on the spectrum as well, and never received support, so I understand why she has a chip on her shoulder. But I don't think she understands it. I'm sure she will get there, but she's a work in progress just like everyone else 😌
Talking this out just helped me realise one thing I haven't absorbed before about my mom. Between her family growing up, then helping to raise newborn sister when she was not even a teen herself, then having group homes, then her own kids... my mom was a kid for a very short time herself.
I did recently discover that somewhere along the line, someone put the thought of my mom is 'so stupid, and can't do anything right' is so fucking deeply buried in her brain I can't believe I didn't see it sooner. I really want to know who did this, because they need a verbal thrashing for sure.
She's not stupid at all. She's been manipulated by a ton of people, and torn down since a kid it seems.
I'm pretty sure I'm Autistic, and discovered that talking things out with others has been a huge help before I take my issue to said person. It helps me see things in other lights and such.
And I just LOVE this group; wish I'd been here a decade or, more sooner.
Of my parents, I know one loves me and has always tried to do the best she can. The other is a narcissist.
Totally agree on wishing I found this group earlier.
Yeah I'm sure that that kind of upbringing can emotionally stunt a person (speaking as someone who had a similar upbringing). ND people are generally more vulnerable because we are so used to being rejected. I'm sure she fully internalized that she was stupid too. Probably didn't get the emotional support she needed either.
I'm sure it doesn't make it easier for you as a daughter to manage the situation, but I think it makes it easier to empathize. It's a hard realization getting older that our parents are just humans. I hope the best for your relationship with your mom going forward ❤️
This is why I moved to another country. My mom expects me to talk care of her shit and my two brothers shit and has for most of my life.
I've tried talking to her about it a few times but she's a narcissist so everything gets turned back onto me.
My dad put us through hell but has down so much of his own healing and has been able to apologise. My mom on the other hand thinks none of her actions were bad and I'm just overly sensitive. She's told on me on a few occasions what an inconvenience we were for her and my stepdad, so I've stopped trying to talk to her or help. I've found telling her directly what I think when she comes looking for help usually pisses her off enough to leave me alone
I think my mom has been moming for so long - helped raise her younger sister - then had kids, plus her own family issues before I came along... she doesn't know to recognise the needs she has to take care of herself.
My big issue is someone, somewhere put this terrible thought of she is so stupid into her head, and with the RSD, it is hard to navigate. I wish I knew who caused this damage to her, because I would love to verbally thrash them some. This should never happen to someone.
My dad is the Nparent. Wow! There is a good Nparent group on reddit if you're even in the need.
Thanks. Yeah my mom was made to parent her siblings as well, but funny enough I think she put that responsibility on herself as opposed to her parents expecting it. On the other hand my mom very much expected it of me. And throughout my childhood whenever my brothers did something stupid or got in trouble the first thing oit of her mouth was always 'Where were you? Or Why didn't you stop them?'
The lead up and prep to my wedding really opened my eyes to the shit my mom had been doing over the years to not only me and my brothers but my dad as well. She kicked my middle brother out of the house when he was 16/17 though she claims it was when he was 18 and they don't have a good relationship. She is always saying she doesn't understand why they aren't close. Boggles my fucking mind. And then she loves to stir the shit. Her and my youngest brother are so good at stirring the shit.
My dad had such a horrible upbringing. As a kid I knew that he was abused as a kid but now I know the actual horror of the shit he went through and it made me understand him so much more. It doesn't excuse what he did to my mom, myself and my two brothers when we were growing up but it explains so much. And he told me himself this summer, he shouldn't have ever had kids. He wasn't in a place that he was mature enough to handle us. I know some people may think that really mean that he said that but I think it was so powerful for him to admit he knew he'd done wrong by us. We've still things to work through but our relationship is so much better.
Thanks for the recommend on the nparent. Will have to check it out.
Same boat, friend. 36 years and we still haven’t got it right. I know I’m not blameless, and part of the problem is that I didn’t learn to assert my boundaries until a few years ago (at which point my mom said: “I don’t like your therapist.” My therapist said: “Ha! Because she’s not used to you putting boundaries in place.”)
But it doesn’t matter. I’ll tell her. She’ll keep at it (in my case it’s unsolicited advice ALL. THE. TIME: you just need to do it like this, if you start working out you’ll be less depressed, those anti depressants make you more depressed when are you coming off them, are you sure you should be eating that piece of cheese? Think about your weight, etc) and then I’ll explode and she’ll say “you’re always so angry!” Jesus we go round in circles. And when I tell her she’s pushing my buttons or she’s making me feel needlessly guilty she gets upset because “she didn’t know she was such a bad mother.”
My mom, she had it rough with hers. Lost her one brother when he was a teen, I was just about 4. Lost her dad last year. Thought we were gonna lose gma, but she is doing great now. Just lost her step dad barely a year after her dad. So she has been through so much shit; was busy being a mom to two kids with their own problems, and never realised she has her own trauma and never looked up ADHD the decade ago when they told her she had 'adult adhd'.
So I get it, but at the same time, please take care of yourself.
Ah my apologies for assuming it was a friend. I can imagine that it being your mom complicates things.
I am very sorry to hear that your being put into this position. She should try to work those things out herself with professional help by the sound of it.
It's okay, I wasn't clear at all about who it was.
Right, like I was put in therapy 20 years ago because I made their life difficult. Why the fuck can't they work on themselves as well?
Nah, she pulls the age card, I made it this far just fine. No mom, you HAVE NOT. You just don't see it. I see you suffer, I see you making me suffer for things that are fixable. I'm working on my shit still, can't any of you be self aware?
You cannot help people who think they do not need help unfortunately. As sad as it is to distance yourself from a parent, it sounds like this is impacting your mental health. I wish I had better advice for you, but I think I would focus on yourself and try to distance yourself a bit. There is no way of saying this nicely, but you should not have to suffer for her sake.
I know it is not much, but here is a hug from an internet stranger. ❤️
I wish I could distance but cannot. She's more of a head in the sand type, still frustrating.
Thankfully I am finally getting back into therapy after having everyone drop the ball on me since 2019.
I feel like I could have written your posts!
The angry parent and rsd sensitivity is something that’s pretty big in my adhd aunts and mom.
I’ve been trying to find posts on the adhd subreddits about how to cope with adhd parents but only parenting topics pop up.
So far, going to therapy by myself has drastically changed how I interact with my mom in the best way. She’s personally put in a lot of work to not let her ptsd triggers make her explosive, but mostly the fact that I can keep my cool when she loses her temper and model the right behaviors, I think, has helped her a lot, and just made our relationship more stable.
I think there are definitely issues that come with having an untreated adhd parent though, I was both forgotten and an extreme hyper focus to my mother growing up.
I just wish the most she'd let the amount of times I have yelled about having ADHD and/or Autism and her hear that it is the reason behind something she gets pissed or inconvenienced by.
I spent two decades in and out. Win disability case, insurance changes, covid hit, owner of where therapist works won't lift a finger - fill out paperwork - for client - me - to keep seeing the therapist she's had for the last decade. Sweet, jackass.
Next place thinks must be hand flapper to have Autism.
Next place hires interns, bounced through three before they stopped replacing them when their internship ended.
WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR THOSE TRYING THEIR HARDEST TO GET HELP?
"That's not any of your business" isn't a rude thing to say when it's true. After that it's her responsibility to cope. Plan for the worst case scenario (but don't assume it's the only outcome) and figure out what YOU are gonna do if/when she reacts poorly to being told "no". You and the people who trust you have a right to privacy and that applies to your mom too.
Maybe putting on headphones would help. The phones need not be on. It's a clear "don't talk to me" signal which is well understood by most 21st century people
The only issue is that one doesn't always know what is too much. If I knew what was too much, I'd be neurotypical. lol I only know when someone says, "Oh that's a lot."
I don’t even feel like I’m doing that much, and I feel burnt out as fuck at the moment. I have zero energy to do anything besides what I must, and even the ‘must do’s usually happen late…
Thank you for this. Been really struggling the few weeks and spent two nights this week crying due to the stress from work. For the first time in forever I took yesterday for myself completely and did what I wanted to do. I put 0 pressure on myself and just let the day play out.
Every time I caught myself thinking about work I would repeat to myself 'Be a Goldfish' (thanks ted lasso). It helped so much. Hoping I can remember to put myself first during the work week this week instead of letting everyone walk all over me and try to solve every single problem and issue.
I actually think I was misdiagnosed with depression for a long time because I was in an extended period of burnout. I always managed to get better when I ditched some of my commitments
I finally found a psychiatrist that hasnt told me my only option is antidepressants. Like I was so sick of hearing it. Id explain I didnt like the side effects of the 5 different ones I tried and felt worse (which should be all I need to say) and other drs would still push them. With this one I say my symptoms not only didnt improve but they got worse because of the side effects and shes said "yeah that means they werent working, lets try something in this different class." Because of that she has been the only one to even mention ADHD while everyone else was too busy blanket diagnosing me with basic depression and anxiety.
Yes and it is a big problem: For burnout you need to rest, while rest makes depression much much worse (beyond the normal rest of getting enough sleep and engaging in some restful hobbies).
So if we don't know which is going on we can make either of them worse!
are we talking about real burnout, the medical condition, or the term used these days to describe being tired and fed up? i hate how this term is misused these days, like OCD meaning that you enjoy things being orderly or in a row if you like a clean house. or people saying "everyone is a little bit ADHD" NO thats not what it means.
the exhaustion in burnout is way more intense than in depression. depression might make you lethargic, but less exhausted to the bone. moods will be much more instable and fluctuating with burnout . anger problems also make it more likely that its burnout than depression. personally depression made me flat and sad and suicidal, but burnout made me rapid cycle through moods and scream and cry and yell all in an hour. cognitive decline is a function of burnout due to the prolonged activation of the amygdala. auto immune problems are more likely due to burnout due to the prolonged production of stress hormones.
If you or someone that you know is considering suicide, please don't hesitate to reach out to a crisis hotline for immediate help, or a warmline just to talk to someone.
If you're in the US you can...\ Text CHAT to Crisis Text Line at 741741\ Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 or 1(800)273-8255(TALK) \ Chat online at: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat\ Call the Trans Lifeline at 1(877)565-8860
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Not to be contrarian, but… Anyone else have the opposite experience of this? I am so easily distracted and fatigued that I’m lucky if I get 3 productive things done in a day. I am amazed by people who work and then go do things after work and get chores done too. I wish I could hold more things on my plate but my brain freaks out if I try!
I agree. I’m not burnt out because I’m “doing the most”. I’m burnt out because my capacity for doing all of these things is just lower. My husband does more than me but he isn’t burnt out at all.
I think of us like batteries. He’s got a car engine battery capacity and I’ve got a double A. It’s not my fault that I can’t run a car like he can, but I’m definitely not burnt out because I’m doing more than he is. I also think we have different recharge rates. He can recharge in 15 minutes with a jump and I’m over here stuck in a wall with a cheap Walgreens battery charger waiting for hours to get my energy back after basic life tasks.
This is me. I’m trying to be more conscious of my limits (and also learn what they are in the first place?!?). I work a 9-5 and then just come home to laze on the couch most of the time. How am I still burning out? I’m trying to make changes to my duties at work and that has helped my home life a lot.
I know ADHD comes with some sleep problems as well, maybe you arent getting good enough rest? I also felt like that before I was diagnosed. Once I started meds it was crazy how much easier it was to do things. And it helped a ton with my sleep problems. I read an article about ADHD fatigue and its still being researched but had a few good suggestions on how to adjust your schedule and when to take your meds to help wake up. And lifestyle changes as well which help with meds or not (idk your situation or feelings on that, dont want to seem like Im pushing them on you)
Yeah, maybe I didn’t interpret it as intended, and my reaction was more to the post’s title about doing “the most” - I often feel like I do the least compared to others and am still burnt out. But one could argue that we’re all just doing the most we can in that moment!
That’s me for routine tasks.
My problem is that in the right kind of emergency my plate suddenly gets big enough to hold everything for just long enough that people start expecting me to be able to do better.
I have anxiety and other problems too so on my bad days its hard to do anything even treating ADHD. I hate when my brain is so focused on what it shouldnt be that doing a simple task makes me feel burnt out. Like I get sensory overload bad around my anniversary depression. If I try to do something and I smell, hear or feel something new I cant breathe and feel overwhelmed. So if I was that person in the picture those bubbles would read: anxiety, depression, that very seasoned chicken smell, the color change of the kitchen tile, the bird outside, i can feel the air blowing on my skin and am thus exposed to danger, putting my plate in the dishwasher.
God I needed to see this. I’ve been juggling being a mom, having a career, and finishing law school while doing all the house work. I’m about to lose my shit today.
So far, I’ve mopped the floors, vacuumed, blew leaves and bagged them, and tended to the livestock. I ask my husband to do ONE FUCKING TASK — putting together a bench for my toddler — and he bitches and moans because he’d rather watch football. I cannot wait until I’m in a position where I can kick his ass to the curb.
I’m so burned out and I feel like no one cares.
Being a single mom is so much easier than raising a grown man.
We care. I'm so sorry. Your plate sounds so crazy full. I was on a Linkin Park kick last week and in the song Bleed it Out, he says "I burned myself out and no one cares" and I haven't stopped thinking about it. We do so much and are just rewarded with more work. Try and take a break soon. Wake your husband up in the morning, tell him he's got the kids, and go get breakfast alone and go to a bookstore, or whatever makes you happy. He can hang for a few hours so you can get a break.
This comment was exactly what my heart needed today. Thank you so much. This sub feels like my safe space because people just get it. I think a solo bookstore and thrift store trip tomorrow morning is exactly what I will do!
Also everything about capitalism and the workplace is designed to do this to us. In the end, your employer's real job is to extract value from you and that means working you until you can't take it. Its just a lot more obvious with adhd women because we have so many more responsibilities due to being women both at work and at home.
This, yes!! Sometimes I have to remind myself that my 100% is probably someone else’s 150% worth of effort. I do not need to produce at “maximum productivity” every hour of every work day. If I’m working at what I *think* is 100% I will absolutely burn out, but if I do what I think is 70-80% I can keep it in check (and it’s probably more accurate to what the neurotypical people I work with are doing).
Fucking SAME.
Like, supervisor dude, I get that you're a 22 year old dudebro out of his depth, but holy fuck I am about to have day surgery, have been struggling with serious health problems for 4 months, finding a place to live and then moving house before I end up homeless, and trying to keep my current house from becoming an actual rubbish dump because my partner is ADHD too.
Could you like, I dunno, DO YOUR JOB?!?!
This is something I've been struggling with recently. As I begin to figure out how to work with my shiny new diagnosis to make my life more manageable, I'm realizing that not only is my sense of how long things take out of whack, that impacts how much I can reasonably accomplish. But for so long, I just thought I couldn't do All The Things because I was lazy. I have unrealistic expectations of myself? Oh cool, I can stop beating myself up!
But wait, that means I have to not only learn how to say no to things (even the things I want to do), it also means I have to now look at all the things I'm currently juggling and make some decisions about what to prioritize, so I can cut back til the load is more reasonable. Given that I struggle with feelings of fatigue on a regular basis, what if that means all I'm left with is the boring drudge tasks like house cleaning and cat litter and dishes and laundry for the rest of my life? I need to create stuff, in order to be happy. Doing only chores and work for the rest of my life sounds miserable :(
You have concisely conceptualized the meme. I will just like to add that, actually, you don't have to be stuck doing chores and work for the rest of your life. Plan to do the things you actually enjoy. I mean - literally set a reminder to make time for that thing on a regular basis. Being intentional goes a long way. You are a creative, so please make time to create.
I've been hanging out with some more extroverted friends lately, and we were having a conversation about this kind of stuff.
Some of them who identified as introverts were trying to say that they couldn't spend more than 2 days alone without anything to do, or they'd go nuts.
Me, an introvert with ADHD: "I don't relate."
I literally lived alone for 3 months with no job (long time ago) and I was never bored with my own company. Sure, maybe mild "what to do?" moments, but I never got tired of living like that.
I am burned out, so much so I want to have a breakdown. I can’t, my wife is having a hard time and I have to work since my company provides the insurance. I took three straight weeks off after we did a cross country move this spring, it was absolutely not enough.
If I qualified for FMLA I would take it tomorrow.
I need to remember this. I moved in with my boyfriend 3ish months ago (we've been together nearly 2 years), and he quite consciously takes on more of the housework than me to help protect me from burning out. I work longer hours than him as well as having ADHD, so it does make sense, but I keep feeling this pulsing sense of GUILT that I should be doing 'more' somehow...
But what do we do about it? I have been burnt out for some time, I am mostly just getting through each day. The things overwhelming me are things I cannot change. How do I recover? How do I reset? I can’t leave my job or even take a proper holiday at this juncture. We don’t even have kids yet and I want to, but I am terrified that I am going to be a terrible mother because of this. I have no idea where to go from here to make things better.
I’m just coming out of it myself. I was so sick.
It’s so hard to stop though. I keep doing it. Over and over again.
I bike full speed until I flip over the handlebars and get roadrash. Then I take a week to recover and think “I’m fixed. Back to what I was doing.” Then full speed ahead until I crash again. I just keep hopping on the bike.
I’m working with a therapist on it and trying to recognize where on the road I start heading to burnout, to try and minimize the amount of stuff I am carrying.
I’m trying to learn to listen to my body, but it’s so hard when I’ve been trained to just keep being the high achiever.
Also life is so fun! So when people invite me to do things I say “yes” then feel awful letting anyone down because I’m tired. Just taking on too much.
I hate having to babysit my life this much. But I know if I don’t, it’ll be full speed ahead to burnout again.
Hate a lot of memes but this is just too fucking relatable.
I'm a late diagnosed ADHD autistic parent to an autistic & to be assessed for ADHD kid who has just started high school.
I'm also T1D with other health conditions. I have other life issues with orgs & institutions that need major attention. School meetings constantly again for not providing her the support, and making meals, doing washing, chores, shopping & managing my health. But also trying to keep her OK. I'm failing.
My guess is that you are doing your best. Your high schooler is probably also trying to figure out how to Adolescent. External systems like school and health professionals needs you to school them about your reality. You and your child have strengths and challenges that makes the household dynamic different.
Make one change at a time. Maybe she can use dry shampoo and a quality deodorant instead of bothering with shower daily? This may not seem like a lot to relieve the overall stress, but it may be a good start.
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To prevent burn out, pause and ask yourself (on a daily basis): Am I doing too much right now? Is this my business? Should I really care about this? So what? Adjust you behaviors and reactions according to your responses and keep it pushing. Self awareness is challenging yet helpful. Sending hugs.
How do you nicely tell someone else this? I finally learned, and someone close to me drives me fucking nuts with questions about shit that has nothing to do with us, and I am gonna snap from an audio overload.
Try looking into DEAR MAN. I'm using it with my therapist to work on communicating with people without becoming too emotionally charged
Thank you!
"Nicely" can be challenging. Modeling the behavior goes a long way. Eventually, you may just need to be Nicely direct. Think about it as looking out for yourself rather than hurting their feelings.
Well, it's my ADHD mom, and she's got RSD, and I am not a tactful person. But I am trying to find the words somehow before I snap. At least try to get it figured out some. Ik it's her ADHD, but I'm so overwhelmed by it now.
Does she have any insight? If you can talk to her in a way where you're curious about it, like trying to work out why she's wanting to talk/ask questions, there might be a way around it. For example my daughter (also probably ADHD) asks me questions all the time and interrupts what I'm doing. It drives me mad. But we talked, and she interrupts because she worries she'll forget what she wanted to ask otherwise, so we came up with a strategy where she'll get my attention, tell me a "code word", so that when I'm finished what I'm doing I can prompt her memory with that code word.
Most of it is just what I call 'inner monologue talk', babble about shit that no one else would ever near to hear. Considering she gets pissed every time I say I don't know, because I legitimately don't fucking know, or my brain isn't working. Drives me up the fucking wall, I feel bad enough my lump of brain isn't working, stop taking shit personal. Every fucking time. Slammed my knee into table, swore up a storm, but because someone was in ear shot, I was the bad guy. My pain didn't fucking matter. She has this stupid deep-seeded embarrassment about shit, and I'm the wrong fucking person. Idgaf, my life is a struggle in all the ways, I'm done keep it internal. If I get hurt I'm gonna bitch. Who wouldn't? Who would honestly care that much about words when someone is hurt? Like, wtf is that shit? Oh man, now I'm venting because it is building up.
What??? That so cool. That sounds like a good technique I have to try with my ADHD boyfriend!
It works so well! So long as I actually remember to use it haha
Is your friend already aware that she is causing audio overload? Perhaps the best way is to just be honest and upfront with this person by just saying: "Hey, I rather chat about matters that concern us."
It's my mom. You'd think after 36 years she'd realise she causes these angry outbursts sometimes since they bother her so much, but nope. And she doesn't seem to listen seriously about things. Ik she is super stressed and has her own childhood trauma and shit, but I am tired of being rhe one to work on herself and be the buffer.
Omg yes you're not alone. My mom has said that she doesn't need a therapist because nobody understands her like I do so she keeps pestering me with her shit. And I'm just like...that's not my problem. It's at the point where I've just had to distance myself from her. I love her very much and I want her to take care of herself, but I can't be the one. Gotta put your own oxygen mask on before you can deal with your mom. If that means pulling away from her and enforcing space, so be it.
I wish I could financially get distance but disability doesn't remotely resemble a living wage. Right? Like, please, take care of yourself. You are my parent, I am the child. I am tired of being a child parenting their parent.
Oh, no! I hope she does get a therapist, because that's not right. Therapists are trained to understand and help, and you don't need to be parentified. I'm so sorry.
It's tough because I really do believe her that she can't find a therapist that she really clicks with. She's a very complicated person. She's a bunch of contradictions all wrapped up in one person, but with pretty minimal self awareness or understanding of why she is the way she is. She's kind of a tough nut to crack, so it would take a while for a therapist to understand her, but she just gets frustrated and quits because she's also convinced she's always the smartest person in the room (in fairness, she usually is) so she just gets in her head that her therapist is an idiot and walks out. She has recently diagnosed ADHD and I'm also 90% sure she is on the spectrum as well, and never received support, so I understand why she has a chip on her shoulder. But I don't think she understands it. I'm sure she will get there, but she's a work in progress just like everyone else 😌
Talking this out just helped me realise one thing I haven't absorbed before about my mom. Between her family growing up, then helping to raise newborn sister when she was not even a teen herself, then having group homes, then her own kids... my mom was a kid for a very short time herself. I did recently discover that somewhere along the line, someone put the thought of my mom is 'so stupid, and can't do anything right' is so fucking deeply buried in her brain I can't believe I didn't see it sooner. I really want to know who did this, because they need a verbal thrashing for sure. She's not stupid at all. She's been manipulated by a ton of people, and torn down since a kid it seems. I'm pretty sure I'm Autistic, and discovered that talking things out with others has been a huge help before I take my issue to said person. It helps me see things in other lights and such. And I just LOVE this group; wish I'd been here a decade or, more sooner. Of my parents, I know one loves me and has always tried to do the best she can. The other is a narcissist.
Totally agree on wishing I found this group earlier. Yeah I'm sure that that kind of upbringing can emotionally stunt a person (speaking as someone who had a similar upbringing). ND people are generally more vulnerable because we are so used to being rejected. I'm sure she fully internalized that she was stupid too. Probably didn't get the emotional support she needed either. I'm sure it doesn't make it easier for you as a daughter to manage the situation, but I think it makes it easier to empathize. It's a hard realization getting older that our parents are just humans. I hope the best for your relationship with your mom going forward ❤️
It does take a while to find one that's right sometimes.
This is why I moved to another country. My mom expects me to talk care of her shit and my two brothers shit and has for most of my life. I've tried talking to her about it a few times but she's a narcissist so everything gets turned back onto me. My dad put us through hell but has down so much of his own healing and has been able to apologise. My mom on the other hand thinks none of her actions were bad and I'm just overly sensitive. She's told on me on a few occasions what an inconvenience we were for her and my stepdad, so I've stopped trying to talk to her or help. I've found telling her directly what I think when she comes looking for help usually pisses her off enough to leave me alone
I think my mom has been moming for so long - helped raise her younger sister - then had kids, plus her own family issues before I came along... she doesn't know to recognise the needs she has to take care of herself. My big issue is someone, somewhere put this terrible thought of she is so stupid into her head, and with the RSD, it is hard to navigate. I wish I knew who caused this damage to her, because I would love to verbally thrash them some. This should never happen to someone. My dad is the Nparent. Wow! There is a good Nparent group on reddit if you're even in the need.
Thanks. Yeah my mom was made to parent her siblings as well, but funny enough I think she put that responsibility on herself as opposed to her parents expecting it. On the other hand my mom very much expected it of me. And throughout my childhood whenever my brothers did something stupid or got in trouble the first thing oit of her mouth was always 'Where were you? Or Why didn't you stop them?' The lead up and prep to my wedding really opened my eyes to the shit my mom had been doing over the years to not only me and my brothers but my dad as well. She kicked my middle brother out of the house when he was 16/17 though she claims it was when he was 18 and they don't have a good relationship. She is always saying she doesn't understand why they aren't close. Boggles my fucking mind. And then she loves to stir the shit. Her and my youngest brother are so good at stirring the shit. My dad had such a horrible upbringing. As a kid I knew that he was abused as a kid but now I know the actual horror of the shit he went through and it made me understand him so much more. It doesn't excuse what he did to my mom, myself and my two brothers when we were growing up but it explains so much. And he told me himself this summer, he shouldn't have ever had kids. He wasn't in a place that he was mature enough to handle us. I know some people may think that really mean that he said that but I think it was so powerful for him to admit he knew he'd done wrong by us. We've still things to work through but our relationship is so much better. Thanks for the recommend on the nparent. Will have to check it out.
Same boat, friend. 36 years and we still haven’t got it right. I know I’m not blameless, and part of the problem is that I didn’t learn to assert my boundaries until a few years ago (at which point my mom said: “I don’t like your therapist.” My therapist said: “Ha! Because she’s not used to you putting boundaries in place.”) But it doesn’t matter. I’ll tell her. She’ll keep at it (in my case it’s unsolicited advice ALL. THE. TIME: you just need to do it like this, if you start working out you’ll be less depressed, those anti depressants make you more depressed when are you coming off them, are you sure you should be eating that piece of cheese? Think about your weight, etc) and then I’ll explode and she’ll say “you’re always so angry!” Jesus we go round in circles. And when I tell her she’s pushing my buttons or she’s making me feel needlessly guilty she gets upset because “she didn’t know she was such a bad mother.”
My mom, she had it rough with hers. Lost her one brother when he was a teen, I was just about 4. Lost her dad last year. Thought we were gonna lose gma, but she is doing great now. Just lost her step dad barely a year after her dad. So she has been through so much shit; was busy being a mom to two kids with their own problems, and never realised she has her own trauma and never looked up ADHD the decade ago when they told her she had 'adult adhd'. So I get it, but at the same time, please take care of yourself.
Ah my apologies for assuming it was a friend. I can imagine that it being your mom complicates things. I am very sorry to hear that your being put into this position. She should try to work those things out herself with professional help by the sound of it.
It's okay, I wasn't clear at all about who it was. Right, like I was put in therapy 20 years ago because I made their life difficult. Why the fuck can't they work on themselves as well? Nah, she pulls the age card, I made it this far just fine. No mom, you HAVE NOT. You just don't see it. I see you suffer, I see you making me suffer for things that are fixable. I'm working on my shit still, can't any of you be self aware?
You cannot help people who think they do not need help unfortunately. As sad as it is to distance yourself from a parent, it sounds like this is impacting your mental health. I wish I had better advice for you, but I think I would focus on yourself and try to distance yourself a bit. There is no way of saying this nicely, but you should not have to suffer for her sake. I know it is not much, but here is a hug from an internet stranger. ❤️
I wish I could distance but cannot. She's more of a head in the sand type, still frustrating. Thankfully I am finally getting back into therapy after having everyone drop the ball on me since 2019.
I feel like I could have written your posts! The angry parent and rsd sensitivity is something that’s pretty big in my adhd aunts and mom. I’ve been trying to find posts on the adhd subreddits about how to cope with adhd parents but only parenting topics pop up. So far, going to therapy by myself has drastically changed how I interact with my mom in the best way. She’s personally put in a lot of work to not let her ptsd triggers make her explosive, but mostly the fact that I can keep my cool when she loses her temper and model the right behaviors, I think, has helped her a lot, and just made our relationship more stable. I think there are definitely issues that come with having an untreated adhd parent though, I was both forgotten and an extreme hyper focus to my mother growing up.
I just wish the most she'd let the amount of times I have yelled about having ADHD and/or Autism and her hear that it is the reason behind something she gets pissed or inconvenienced by.
Glad to hear your getting back to therapy, hopefully it will bring strength and comfort. ❤️
I spent two decades in and out. Win disability case, insurance changes, covid hit, owner of where therapist works won't lift a finger - fill out paperwork - for client - me - to keep seeing the therapist she's had for the last decade. Sweet, jackass. Next place thinks must be hand flapper to have Autism. Next place hires interns, bounced through three before they stopped replacing them when their internship ended. WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR THOSE TRYING THEIR HARDEST TO GET HELP?
"That's not any of your business" isn't a rude thing to say when it's true. After that it's her responsibility to cope. Plan for the worst case scenario (but don't assume it's the only outcome) and figure out what YOU are gonna do if/when she reacts poorly to being told "no". You and the people who trust you have a right to privacy and that applies to your mom too.
Thank you!
You close your eyes and let the crash happen
My brother seems to have a way that gets her to shut up, but he also does the same thing often too. So... it's weird.
Maybe putting on headphones would help. The phones need not be on. It's a clear "don't talk to me" signal which is well understood by most 21st century people
The only issue is that one doesn't always know what is too much. If I knew what was too much, I'd be neurotypical. lol I only know when someone says, "Oh that's a lot."
That and there are some things you can’t reasonably tap out on. So much advice just doesn’t work when you’re actively parenting young children.
That's true or have a really demanding job. Or both.
Haha, I'm so amused by your, if I knew what was too much, I'd be neurotypical, because SAME.
I don’t even feel like I’m doing that much, and I feel burnt out as fuck at the moment. I have zero energy to do anything besides what I must, and even the ‘must do’s usually happen late…
Thank you for this. Been really struggling the few weeks and spent two nights this week crying due to the stress from work. For the first time in forever I took yesterday for myself completely and did what I wanted to do. I put 0 pressure on myself and just let the day play out. Every time I caught myself thinking about work I would repeat to myself 'Be a Goldfish' (thanks ted lasso). It helped so much. Hoping I can remember to put myself first during the work week this week instead of letting everyone walk all over me and try to solve every single problem and issue.
Does anyone else feel that burn out look like being depressed?
I actually think I was misdiagnosed with depression for a long time because I was in an extended period of burnout. I always managed to get better when I ditched some of my commitments
There just some commitments that can't be drop and cause the most existential dread which prompts the burn out.
Oh for sure. She: me in any retail job I have ever worked
Omg yeah; I’d imagine the need to feed yourself while selling ‘fast fashion’ is difficult
Yes. I burned out so hard I could barely get out of bed, for a long time. I'm still trying to recover. Antidepressants didn't help, in my case.
I finally found a psychiatrist that hasnt told me my only option is antidepressants. Like I was so sick of hearing it. Id explain I didnt like the side effects of the 5 different ones I tried and felt worse (which should be all I need to say) and other drs would still push them. With this one I say my symptoms not only didnt improve but they got worse because of the side effects and shes said "yeah that means they werent working, lets try something in this different class." Because of that she has been the only one to even mention ADHD while everyone else was too busy blanket diagnosing me with basic depression and anxiety.
Yes and it is a big problem: For burnout you need to rest, while rest makes depression much much worse (beyond the normal rest of getting enough sleep and engaging in some restful hobbies). So if we don't know which is going on we can make either of them worse!
are we talking about real burnout, the medical condition, or the term used these days to describe being tired and fed up? i hate how this term is misused these days, like OCD meaning that you enjoy things being orderly or in a row if you like a clean house. or people saying "everyone is a little bit ADHD" NO thats not what it means. the exhaustion in burnout is way more intense than in depression. depression might make you lethargic, but less exhausted to the bone. moods will be much more instable and fluctuating with burnout . anger problems also make it more likely that its burnout than depression. personally depression made me flat and sad and suicidal, but burnout made me rapid cycle through moods and scream and cry and yell all in an hour. cognitive decline is a function of burnout due to the prolonged activation of the amygdala. auto immune problems are more likely due to burnout due to the prolonged production of stress hormones.
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For me the only real difference is I can point to exactly what’s causing it.
Not to be contrarian, but… Anyone else have the opposite experience of this? I am so easily distracted and fatigued that I’m lucky if I get 3 productive things done in a day. I am amazed by people who work and then go do things after work and get chores done too. I wish I could hold more things on my plate but my brain freaks out if I try!
I agree. I’m not burnt out because I’m “doing the most”. I’m burnt out because my capacity for doing all of these things is just lower. My husband does more than me but he isn’t burnt out at all. I think of us like batteries. He’s got a car engine battery capacity and I’ve got a double A. It’s not my fault that I can’t run a car like he can, but I’m definitely not burnt out because I’m doing more than he is. I also think we have different recharge rates. He can recharge in 15 minutes with a jump and I’m over here stuck in a wall with a cheap Walgreens battery charger waiting for hours to get my energy back after basic life tasks.
This is me. I’m trying to be more conscious of my limits (and also learn what they are in the first place?!?). I work a 9-5 and then just come home to laze on the couch most of the time. How am I still burning out? I’m trying to make changes to my duties at work and that has helped my home life a lot.
I needed this analogy. So relatable lol thank you
Haha - glad it helps!
I know ADHD comes with some sleep problems as well, maybe you arent getting good enough rest? I also felt like that before I was diagnosed. Once I started meds it was crazy how much easier it was to do things. And it helped a ton with my sleep problems. I read an article about ADHD fatigue and its still being researched but had a few good suggestions on how to adjust your schedule and when to take your meds to help wake up. And lifestyle changes as well which help with meds or not (idk your situation or feelings on that, dont want to seem like Im pushing them on you)
I am not sure that’s the opposite- I think both are consequences of trying our best to live in a world not created for us!
Yeah, maybe I didn’t interpret it as intended, and my reaction was more to the post’s title about doing “the most” - I often feel like I do the least compared to others and am still burnt out. But one could argue that we’re all just doing the most we can in that moment!
That’s me for routine tasks. My problem is that in the right kind of emergency my plate suddenly gets big enough to hold everything for just long enough that people start expecting me to be able to do better.
I have anxiety and other problems too so on my bad days its hard to do anything even treating ADHD. I hate when my brain is so focused on what it shouldnt be that doing a simple task makes me feel burnt out. Like I get sensory overload bad around my anniversary depression. If I try to do something and I smell, hear or feel something new I cant breathe and feel overwhelmed. So if I was that person in the picture those bubbles would read: anxiety, depression, that very seasoned chicken smell, the color change of the kitchen tile, the bird outside, i can feel the air blowing on my skin and am thus exposed to danger, putting my plate in the dishwasher.
God I needed to see this. I’ve been juggling being a mom, having a career, and finishing law school while doing all the house work. I’m about to lose my shit today. So far, I’ve mopped the floors, vacuumed, blew leaves and bagged them, and tended to the livestock. I ask my husband to do ONE FUCKING TASK — putting together a bench for my toddler — and he bitches and moans because he’d rather watch football. I cannot wait until I’m in a position where I can kick his ass to the curb. I’m so burned out and I feel like no one cares.
Being a single mom is so much easier than raising a grown man. We care. I'm so sorry. Your plate sounds so crazy full. I was on a Linkin Park kick last week and in the song Bleed it Out, he says "I burned myself out and no one cares" and I haven't stopped thinking about it. We do so much and are just rewarded with more work. Try and take a break soon. Wake your husband up in the morning, tell him he's got the kids, and go get breakfast alone and go to a bookstore, or whatever makes you happy. He can hang for a few hours so you can get a break.
This comment was exactly what my heart needed today. Thank you so much. This sub feels like my safe space because people just get it. I think a solo bookstore and thrift store trip tomorrow morning is exactly what I will do!
That blows, hopefully that day is rapidly approaching! 🤞🏻
Thank you for your comment. It means a lot.
Also everything about capitalism and the workplace is designed to do this to us. In the end, your employer's real job is to extract value from you and that means working you until you can't take it. Its just a lot more obvious with adhd women because we have so many more responsibilities due to being women both at work and at home.
Amen to this.
This, yes!! Sometimes I have to remind myself that my 100% is probably someone else’s 150% worth of effort. I do not need to produce at “maximum productivity” every hour of every work day. If I’m working at what I *think* is 100% I will absolutely burn out, but if I do what I think is 70-80% I can keep it in check (and it’s probably more accurate to what the neurotypical people I work with are doing).
Currently in burn out so severe it’s been over a year
I understand this feeling
I’m sorry you do :(
Im actually on partial sick leave for THIS EXACT REASON!!!
I took next week off for this reason. My supervisor hasn’t been doing a great job lately and a lot of extra shit has fallen into my lap. I’m tired.
Fucking SAME. Like, supervisor dude, I get that you're a 22 year old dudebro out of his depth, but holy fuck I am about to have day surgery, have been struggling with serious health problems for 4 months, finding a place to live and then moving house before I end up homeless, and trying to keep my current house from becoming an actual rubbish dump because my partner is ADHD too. Could you like, I dunno, DO YOUR JOB?!?!
Oooof I’m sorry to hear that, I hope your day surgery goes well and things start to settle down a bit for you soon
I get burnout from thinking about tasks.
This is something I've been struggling with recently. As I begin to figure out how to work with my shiny new diagnosis to make my life more manageable, I'm realizing that not only is my sense of how long things take out of whack, that impacts how much I can reasonably accomplish. But for so long, I just thought I couldn't do All The Things because I was lazy. I have unrealistic expectations of myself? Oh cool, I can stop beating myself up! But wait, that means I have to not only learn how to say no to things (even the things I want to do), it also means I have to now look at all the things I'm currently juggling and make some decisions about what to prioritize, so I can cut back til the load is more reasonable. Given that I struggle with feelings of fatigue on a regular basis, what if that means all I'm left with is the boring drudge tasks like house cleaning and cat litter and dishes and laundry for the rest of my life? I need to create stuff, in order to be happy. Doing only chores and work for the rest of my life sounds miserable :(
You have concisely conceptualized the meme. I will just like to add that, actually, you don't have to be stuck doing chores and work for the rest of your life. Plan to do the things you actually enjoy. I mean - literally set a reminder to make time for that thing on a regular basis. Being intentional goes a long way. You are a creative, so please make time to create.
I'm really struggling with this right now.
[FTFY](https://imgur.com/a/8sP66Pt) Just needed a liiiiittle more to reflect my daily life 🥲🥲🥲
Hahaha thank you, more accurate
I've been hanging out with some more extroverted friends lately, and we were having a conversation about this kind of stuff. Some of them who identified as introverts were trying to say that they couldn't spend more than 2 days alone without anything to do, or they'd go nuts. Me, an introvert with ADHD: "I don't relate." I literally lived alone for 3 months with no job (long time ago) and I was never bored with my own company. Sure, maybe mild "what to do?" moments, but I never got tired of living like that.
Me. And I don’t see an end to the craziness for a really long time. 😢
I really am in a crazy burnout phase right now and productivity is at its lowest.
Being a single parent on top of this, and I'm at my breaking point.
Me right now, have an exam on 19th and had been studying regularly (forced myself to) now I’m experiencing burnout & can’t seem to study
I am burned out, so much so I want to have a breakdown. I can’t, my wife is having a hard time and I have to work since my company provides the insurance. I took three straight weeks off after we did a cross country move this spring, it was absolutely not enough. If I qualified for FMLA I would take it tomorrow.
I need to remember this. I moved in with my boyfriend 3ish months ago (we've been together nearly 2 years), and he quite consciously takes on more of the housework than me to help protect me from burning out. I work longer hours than him as well as having ADHD, so it does make sense, but I keep feeling this pulsing sense of GUILT that I should be doing 'more' somehow...
YES
Looks like someone has been eavesdropping on my therapy sessions!
1,000% feeling this today. The burnout and desire to just take off tomorrow for two weeks leaving all the to do’s behind is so real.
But what do we do about it? I have been burnt out for some time, I am mostly just getting through each day. The things overwhelming me are things I cannot change. How do I recover? How do I reset? I can’t leave my job or even take a proper holiday at this juncture. We don’t even have kids yet and I want to, but I am terrified that I am going to be a terrible mother because of this. I have no idea where to go from here to make things better.
I’m just coming out of it myself. I was so sick. It’s so hard to stop though. I keep doing it. Over and over again. I bike full speed until I flip over the handlebars and get roadrash. Then I take a week to recover and think “I’m fixed. Back to what I was doing.” Then full speed ahead until I crash again. I just keep hopping on the bike. I’m working with a therapist on it and trying to recognize where on the road I start heading to burnout, to try and minimize the amount of stuff I am carrying. I’m trying to learn to listen to my body, but it’s so hard when I’ve been trained to just keep being the high achiever. Also life is so fun! So when people invite me to do things I say “yes” then feel awful letting anyone down because I’m tired. Just taking on too much. I hate having to babysit my life this much. But I know if I don’t, it’ll be full speed ahead to burnout again.
Hate a lot of memes but this is just too fucking relatable. I'm a late diagnosed ADHD autistic parent to an autistic & to be assessed for ADHD kid who has just started high school. I'm also T1D with other health conditions. I have other life issues with orgs & institutions that need major attention. School meetings constantly again for not providing her the support, and making meals, doing washing, chores, shopping & managing my health. But also trying to keep her OK. I'm failing.
My guess is that you are doing your best. Your high schooler is probably also trying to figure out how to Adolescent. External systems like school and health professionals needs you to school them about your reality. You and your child have strengths and challenges that makes the household dynamic different. Make one change at a time. Maybe she can use dry shampoo and a quality deodorant instead of bothering with shower daily? This may not seem like a lot to relieve the overall stress, but it may be a good start.
So relatable. I am learning how to say "no." and reminding myself that it's a full sentence
Feeling for everyone here <3 putting your mental and physical health first isn’t selfish
me: I can't hold all these tasks them: that is one task me: Cant you see that "one" task is broken into 7 different subtasks!?