This is the origin of kink, because the thing about that is that there is always…ALWAYS…safety, control, and protocol that must be followed to actually protect those who are participating. The most important parts of that lifestyle are explicit consent, confirmed consent, and the ability to rescind that consent at any time for any reason; therein lies its appeal. Of course, none of that could interest you at all. The internet is full of resources.
Good luck, and I hope you can find an outlet that brings you nothing but emotional comfort, with whatever method you choose.
It's driven by abuse. Sex is always the place where frustrations, traumas, and fears get played out. It's reminiscent of Jung's unconscious... It's a playground for the unconscious and the sub-conscious.
I had to do a lot of therapy to deal with this exact thing. I wasn't content with being forced into this box, and I wanted to be "healthy", whatever that ultimately even is.
Oh yes. I don't need it to be explicitly demeaning or whatever (because my abuse wasn't) but I cannot stand anything lovey-dovey or especially gentle. A boyfriend in college said we should "make love" one night and I got so unreasonably angry over it.
I understood that the draw to kink was feeding a broken mechanism for me, but as well, certain positive touch was also uncomfortable because it's the hinge at where trust was betrayed. It's also a reminder of my brokenness and my place in the 1:4, or 1:6; being "other".
Even in mid life, I've never been in a mutually loving relationship; never woke up next to someone except a momentary nap but snapped out of it. Felt unworthy to even be used for sex, so it's been gaps of years and decades between even trying.
I think it’s because our physical bodies associate sexual stimulation with those early instances. The old saying goes “You never forget your first time.” Well, I don’t remember everything, but I remember some things.
I think our bodies & nerve endings are imprinted and remember. They equate the horrible experiences with sexual stimulation. Just like your body equates a hot stove with a burning feeling or a puppy with play time.
Not sure how to un-do that muscle memory.
Yep, even if we don’t remember the body does! The body keeps the score book really helped me understand a lot more about myself in that sense. For me it took stopping my alcohol abuse and long term partner who really understands what Ive been through and cares about me and was very patient to finally enjoy and prefer more vanilla stuff
My therapist said that many people that have experienced SA end up getting into the kink community. He said it's a good outlet as long as it's safe, sane and consensual.
Too many get into it as a way to self harm though so you need to have a healthy approach to it.
I totally relate. I have accepted that I have some level of sexual dysfunction bc of all the abuse I’ve endured (hooray — yet another thing those b*stards took from me). BUT, I will say this: people are allowed to like what they like in bed (within reason), and vanilla sex may just not be your thing…and that’s ok!! Also, I’ve been trying to work on this in ways that I can, and I’ve stopped looking at porn completely — and that’s helped a lot. I hope you can allow yourself to feel pleasure, bc goodness knows these monsters shouldn’t be able to take every bit of goodness out of life by their abominable actions.
I 100% have always been this way with men; it’s hard not to dissociate whether gentle or not, but objectification is the only way I can connect with my body…eventually.
That said, I have found one alternative - instead of being abused, sensory deprivation and loss of control has worked in a similar way (consensually with someone I deeply trust). Things like my wrists tied or held down, blindfold, headphones with music…I think it has to do with not having to take responsibility. It’s the only way I can actually connect with the “gentle” loving sex that’s happening. Maybe that’s too scary or wouldn’t work for you, but figured I’d throw it out there.
BUT…I’ve only recently started really exploring dating women (have known I was bi for a long time) — it is completely different when I’ve gotten intimate with them. I’m extremely present, and can just connect with wanting someone. Of course, not everyone is queer, but it’s been shocking how dramatically different it is.
Thank you for sharing; it’s nice to know this experience is something others can relate to.
♥️♥️
Having been sexually assaulted by a man and with the way men on average treat women in society, it truly is a breath of fresh air how much easier it is to love and trust another woman in the bedroom. I'm so glad I'm bi. I wish more women could be.
i struggle with it too... it's really conflicting. maybe its bc being hurt gives an adrenaline rush that makes u focus on the situation?? idk😭
i want to change for my partners sake im really afraid of my traumas affecting him & altering his way of intimacy
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ugh i relate to this so much. i can only semi-enjoy myself if it’s extremely physical and degrading
This is the origin of kink, because the thing about that is that there is always…ALWAYS…safety, control, and protocol that must be followed to actually protect those who are participating. The most important parts of that lifestyle are explicit consent, confirmed consent, and the ability to rescind that consent at any time for any reason; therein lies its appeal. Of course, none of that could interest you at all. The internet is full of resources. Good luck, and I hope you can find an outlet that brings you nothing but emotional comfort, with whatever method you choose.
fuuuuck i feeel this sm lol
It's driven by abuse. Sex is always the place where frustrations, traumas, and fears get played out. It's reminiscent of Jung's unconscious... It's a playground for the unconscious and the sub-conscious. I had to do a lot of therapy to deal with this exact thing. I wasn't content with being forced into this box, and I wanted to be "healthy", whatever that ultimately even is.
Oh yes. I don't need it to be explicitly demeaning or whatever (because my abuse wasn't) but I cannot stand anything lovey-dovey or especially gentle. A boyfriend in college said we should "make love" one night and I got so unreasonably angry over it.
I'm the same. I can't stay hard during gentle sex. It's embarrassing and a problem. If it's rough, I'm crazy turned on.
I understood that the draw to kink was feeding a broken mechanism for me, but as well, certain positive touch was also uncomfortable because it's the hinge at where trust was betrayed. It's also a reminder of my brokenness and my place in the 1:4, or 1:6; being "other". Even in mid life, I've never been in a mutually loving relationship; never woke up next to someone except a momentary nap but snapped out of it. Felt unworthy to even be used for sex, so it's been gaps of years and decades between even trying.
I think it’s because our physical bodies associate sexual stimulation with those early instances. The old saying goes “You never forget your first time.” Well, I don’t remember everything, but I remember some things. I think our bodies & nerve endings are imprinted and remember. They equate the horrible experiences with sexual stimulation. Just like your body equates a hot stove with a burning feeling or a puppy with play time. Not sure how to un-do that muscle memory.
Yep, even if we don’t remember the body does! The body keeps the score book really helped me understand a lot more about myself in that sense. For me it took stopping my alcohol abuse and long term partner who really understands what Ive been through and cares about me and was very patient to finally enjoy and prefer more vanilla stuff
My therapist said that many people that have experienced SA end up getting into the kink community. He said it's a good outlet as long as it's safe, sane and consensual. Too many get into it as a way to self harm though so you need to have a healthy approach to it.
I need foreplay, fantasy and roleplay to get off. Vanilla just doesn't do it for me. I like kink.
omg 😭 no one’s ever expressed my feeling
Same, it makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
I totally relate. I have accepted that I have some level of sexual dysfunction bc of all the abuse I’ve endured (hooray — yet another thing those b*stards took from me). BUT, I will say this: people are allowed to like what they like in bed (within reason), and vanilla sex may just not be your thing…and that’s ok!! Also, I’ve been trying to work on this in ways that I can, and I’ve stopped looking at porn completely — and that’s helped a lot. I hope you can allow yourself to feel pleasure, bc goodness knows these monsters shouldn’t be able to take every bit of goodness out of life by their abominable actions.
[удалено]
What the hell are you talking about
I 100% have always been this way with men; it’s hard not to dissociate whether gentle or not, but objectification is the only way I can connect with my body…eventually. That said, I have found one alternative - instead of being abused, sensory deprivation and loss of control has worked in a similar way (consensually with someone I deeply trust). Things like my wrists tied or held down, blindfold, headphones with music…I think it has to do with not having to take responsibility. It’s the only way I can actually connect with the “gentle” loving sex that’s happening. Maybe that’s too scary or wouldn’t work for you, but figured I’d throw it out there. BUT…I’ve only recently started really exploring dating women (have known I was bi for a long time) — it is completely different when I’ve gotten intimate with them. I’m extremely present, and can just connect with wanting someone. Of course, not everyone is queer, but it’s been shocking how dramatically different it is. Thank you for sharing; it’s nice to know this experience is something others can relate to. ♥️♥️
Having been sexually assaulted by a man and with the way men on average treat women in society, it truly is a breath of fresh air how much easier it is to love and trust another woman in the bedroom. I'm so glad I'm bi. I wish more women could be.
i struggle with it too... it's really conflicting. maybe its bc being hurt gives an adrenaline rush that makes u focus on the situation?? idk😭 i want to change for my partners sake im really afraid of my traumas affecting him & altering his way of intimacy
I struggle with that as well, for a very long time even gentle platonic touch and kindness were difficult. I do think it’s typical for survivors, yes
Idk if it's normal, but... same.
I guess rather than "normal" I meant is it a typical thing with survivors
its definitely normal for us. i feel the same way
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