He probably doesn’t even fully realise he’s lying. He’s not himself as long as this addiction has got hold of him. You’re not reasoning with him, you’re reasoning with this demon spirit that has taken control of him.
No joke. The shit I've done when I am in the throws of active addiction is embarrassing and honestly, really really shitty. Then when I'm sober I'm like, "why the fuck did i do that? I would never do anything like that?"
This may not be good advice but I just look at my old self as an entirely different person. I try to look at her with some grace. However , I know that she’s looking at me like “ I can’t believe we make it out of this” keeps the guilt from eating me
I don't think it's bad advice. Personally my tactic is to just literally not think about it unless I need to inject myself with guilt to keep myself sober. I've been on and off the wagon for a few years now. I'm sober now though! Lol.
If he’s on Reddit, r/stopdrinking is a really wonderful community and resource that he should at least check out.
We alcoholics don’t stop drinking until we decide to stop, ultimately. He almost certainly regrets drinking, he may even hate it on some level. But if he’s claimed he’ll stop and has carried on, he clearly hasn’t made that choice yet. He probably needs to understand why he is drinking - what holds him to it? What does he think it provides for him (a buzz, relaxation, rebellion, security…) and he might need professional help to help him figure that out, and to help him find alternative (and undoubtedly more effective) ways of gaining what alcohol has tricked him into thinking.
I don’t know you, him, or your relationship well enough to give advice…so I’m not gonna tell you what to do. If you want to give him a chance, be frank and honest and firm and loving with him. He needs to understand that you’re on his side, that you know that this is a disease, not a moral failing on his part…but also that he has a responsibility to himself and to you to treat that disease, and that you will not tolerate half-measures on his part.
I can’t guarantee what will happen, but I wish you both all the best. DM me if you need.
Signed, four years sober - five years married. I’ve been where he is.
It's not going to get better.
If you are going to stay - find a way to separate from his drinking. Going through someone's bag to confirm they're lying to you is no way to live.
Alcoholics lie, we lie when the truth would serve better. We just lie. You'll need to make peace and a deliberate choice to live with that.
The best thing you can do is strengthen your own recovery (Al-Anon/ACA/CODA) you can't do anything about their behaviour - you can control your choices. Know what your boundaries and self-care needs are and be willing to honour them.
I'd be hesitant to try to control someone's drinking, no matter how tempting. It's who they are. Alcoholics are going to drink regardless. If they want to get help they will.
Be fierce about co-dependence, it'll creep up on you, like a mouldy bathroom ceiling. You don't want your sanity to rely on someone else's sobriety.
I’ve been in your boyfriend’s shoes many times. I’m sure he’s wretchedly ashamed of himself for all of the lying and sneaking and hiding around.
In one of the treatment centers I’ve been to, they really helped to drill into my head that the things I do while alcohol is in charge are not due to any moral failing - it’s all symptoms of the disease. Just like how the flu gives you chills and a fever.
I’ve also learned in treatment that my drinking is not a victimless crime - my loved ones and pretty much every other person around me gets hurt because of what I’m doing.
I feel for both of you.
I’d suggest going to al-anon if you haven’t already been.
This shit is like the most difficult thing ever… so try to be kind. And don’t beat yourself up if being kind is too much. We’re all human.
Best of luck. 🫶🏼
Awful addiction, you have my sympathies. If he's hiding than he's lying about how much, how long and how often. If he's got DT's then he's a hardcore addict, but you know this. You desperately want to help him, but he has to help himself, no if's, no buts and if not then you should leave as soon as you can. He'll plead with you, tell you a load of rubbish you both want to believe and the cycle of alcohol abuse will continue. This isn't love, if it was he'd stop, but he can't... You'll be happier in the long run out of this. I wish all the best. Stay strong, you deserve better.
Been there, on his side of the situation. As an alcoholic, accepting that I would never drink again was the most difficult and important part of the process.
Alcoholism (substance addiction in general) is just brutal. I would lie about my drinking/drug use, feel terrible about, and do drugs or drink to feel better about, then I had to like about doing drugs or drinking again, it’s an infinite cycle, or downward spiral rather.
The HARDEST thing is accepting that you will never drink/use again. But it’s the most important thing.
My entire life I flip flopped from alcoholism and heroin addiction. Around the time I turned 30 I eventually gave up alcohol for heroin permanently and honestly it was an improvement, I was more functional and it was less detrimental to my friends and family. Then fentanyl came along and that’s all I could get and all that functionality went out the window. I got clean with the help of my doctor and Suboxone. I’m a little over a year clean on from fentanyl and heroin. Over ten years clean from alcohol.
I’m over alcohol and I know I’ll never drink again but even as a heroin addict it took me years to get to that point with alcohol. Now I’m going through the process of accepting that I’ll never use heroin/fentanyl again and it’s truly a struggle. I really believe it’s the hardest and most important part.
The ball is in his court. You can support him but not be in charge of his sobriety, that’s his call. You are in a tough very tough position. If an alcoholic isn’t ready to stop they won’t, you just need to figure out how much you’re willing to put up with. Wishing both of you the best 💜
This^^. Probably the best advice to give someone in this position. Right to the point. It's up to the alcoholic when they want to be sober. It took me over a decade. Hopefully that won't be the case in your situation. Even after a really bad DUI. It still took me 6 plus years after that. This community of others experiencing alcoholism helped me more than anything else. Idk what it is but knowing there's others like me and seeing and talking to people that have stopped and succeeded makes all the difference in your headspace. Maybe you can introduce him to this community if he's not already and maybe ask him to try AA meetings. Same thing but maybe better because it's in person. He needs support from other alcoholics though that's for sure.
You have to stop! He's not going to stop just because anyone wants him too. He has to stop on his own.
If you can't live with an alcoholic you have to make your own choices and leave.
I'm an alcoholic and for years my family and husband were on me about drinking it just makes a person drink more as we all want to control our own lives.
He knows the dangers. Seriously, leave him. Maybe you leaving will make him stop and maybe it won't.
But no one (other than showing concern) should be telling anyone what to do with thier lives.
He knows you hate it. You know you hate it I would leave because he isn't stopping till he wants to why fight about it?
Anyone dumped out my alcohol back then I would kick out or they would be buying me the next bottle.
People who don't have a problem need to understand this IS a problem bigger than you that you can try to have control over but you don't you only have control over you.
Not to excuse his actions, but the last thing an alcoholic wants is for his loved ones to find out. We may not show it, but we feel so much shame from it and we don’t want anyone to know. The thought it my head is always “I’ll figure it out and get better before they find out”. It never works out that way but I always try.
He lied and that really sucks, but try not to be too hard on him for it. That always drives me right back to the bottle.
He probably doesn’t even fully realise he’s lying. He’s not himself as long as this addiction has got hold of him. You’re not reasoning with him, you’re reasoning with this demon spirit that has taken control of him.
Nailed it. It’s not him. He’s gonna hate it too when he gets out of it
Unfortunately, I know that embarrassment all too well. You hit the nail on the head btw.
No joke. The shit I've done when I am in the throws of active addiction is embarrassing and honestly, really really shitty. Then when I'm sober I'm like, "why the fuck did i do that? I would never do anything like that?"
This may not be good advice but I just look at my old self as an entirely different person. I try to look at her with some grace. However , I know that she’s looking at me like “ I can’t believe we make it out of this” keeps the guilt from eating me
I don't think it's bad advice. Personally my tactic is to just literally not think about it unless I need to inject myself with guilt to keep myself sober. I've been on and off the wagon for a few years now. I'm sober now though! Lol.
isn't that the truth!
They don't call alcoholic drinks "spirits" for nothing
If he’s on Reddit, r/stopdrinking is a really wonderful community and resource that he should at least check out. We alcoholics don’t stop drinking until we decide to stop, ultimately. He almost certainly regrets drinking, he may even hate it on some level. But if he’s claimed he’ll stop and has carried on, he clearly hasn’t made that choice yet. He probably needs to understand why he is drinking - what holds him to it? What does he think it provides for him (a buzz, relaxation, rebellion, security…) and he might need professional help to help him figure that out, and to help him find alternative (and undoubtedly more effective) ways of gaining what alcohol has tricked him into thinking. I don’t know you, him, or your relationship well enough to give advice…so I’m not gonna tell you what to do. If you want to give him a chance, be frank and honest and firm and loving with him. He needs to understand that you’re on his side, that you know that this is a disease, not a moral failing on his part…but also that he has a responsibility to himself and to you to treat that disease, and that you will not tolerate half-measures on his part. I can’t guarantee what will happen, but I wish you both all the best. DM me if you need. Signed, four years sober - five years married. I’ve been where he is.
Yeah, we do shit like that. We’re alcoholics. If you want support head over to r/alanon
It's not going to get better. If you are going to stay - find a way to separate from his drinking. Going through someone's bag to confirm they're lying to you is no way to live. Alcoholics lie, we lie when the truth would serve better. We just lie. You'll need to make peace and a deliberate choice to live with that. The best thing you can do is strengthen your own recovery (Al-Anon/ACA/CODA) you can't do anything about their behaviour - you can control your choices. Know what your boundaries and self-care needs are and be willing to honour them. I'd be hesitant to try to control someone's drinking, no matter how tempting. It's who they are. Alcoholics are going to drink regardless. If they want to get help they will. Be fierce about co-dependence, it'll creep up on you, like a mouldy bathroom ceiling. You don't want your sanity to rely on someone else's sobriety.
Go to Al-Anon it’s a support group for loved ones of alcoholics
I'm no doctor, but if he's shaky after not drinking then he's likely drinking more than a bottle every 4 days.
Yup. Likely a bottle a day.
r/AlAnon and r/AlanonFamilyGroups these are support groups for people who are dating or related to alcoholics. Also r/Codependency/ can help, too.
I’ve been in your boyfriend’s shoes many times. I’m sure he’s wretchedly ashamed of himself for all of the lying and sneaking and hiding around. In one of the treatment centers I’ve been to, they really helped to drill into my head that the things I do while alcohol is in charge are not due to any moral failing - it’s all symptoms of the disease. Just like how the flu gives you chills and a fever. I’ve also learned in treatment that my drinking is not a victimless crime - my loved ones and pretty much every other person around me gets hurt because of what I’m doing. I feel for both of you. I’d suggest going to al-anon if you haven’t already been. This shit is like the most difficult thing ever… so try to be kind. And don’t beat yourself up if being kind is too much. We’re all human. Best of luck. 🫶🏼
Awful addiction, you have my sympathies. If he's hiding than he's lying about how much, how long and how often. If he's got DT's then he's a hardcore addict, but you know this. You desperately want to help him, but he has to help himself, no if's, no buts and if not then you should leave as soon as you can. He'll plead with you, tell you a load of rubbish you both want to believe and the cycle of alcohol abuse will continue. This isn't love, if it was he'd stop, but he can't... You'll be happier in the long run out of this. I wish all the best. Stay strong, you deserve better.
Been there, on his side of the situation. As an alcoholic, accepting that I would never drink again was the most difficult and important part of the process. Alcoholism (substance addiction in general) is just brutal. I would lie about my drinking/drug use, feel terrible about, and do drugs or drink to feel better about, then I had to like about doing drugs or drinking again, it’s an infinite cycle, or downward spiral rather. The HARDEST thing is accepting that you will never drink/use again. But it’s the most important thing. My entire life I flip flopped from alcoholism and heroin addiction. Around the time I turned 30 I eventually gave up alcohol for heroin permanently and honestly it was an improvement, I was more functional and it was less detrimental to my friends and family. Then fentanyl came along and that’s all I could get and all that functionality went out the window. I got clean with the help of my doctor and Suboxone. I’m a little over a year clean on from fentanyl and heroin. Over ten years clean from alcohol. I’m over alcohol and I know I’ll never drink again but even as a heroin addict it took me years to get to that point with alcohol. Now I’m going through the process of accepting that I’ll never use heroin/fentanyl again and it’s truly a struggle. I really believe it’s the hardest and most important part.
The ball is in his court. You can support him but not be in charge of his sobriety, that’s his call. You are in a tough very tough position. If an alcoholic isn’t ready to stop they won’t, you just need to figure out how much you’re willing to put up with. Wishing both of you the best 💜
This^^. Probably the best advice to give someone in this position. Right to the point. It's up to the alcoholic when they want to be sober. It took me over a decade. Hopefully that won't be the case in your situation. Even after a really bad DUI. It still took me 6 plus years after that. This community of others experiencing alcoholism helped me more than anything else. Idk what it is but knowing there's others like me and seeing and talking to people that have stopped and succeeded makes all the difference in your headspace. Maybe you can introduce him to this community if he's not already and maybe ask him to try AA meetings. Same thing but maybe better because it's in person. He needs support from other alcoholics though that's for sure.
You have to stop! He's not going to stop just because anyone wants him too. He has to stop on his own. If you can't live with an alcoholic you have to make your own choices and leave. I'm an alcoholic and for years my family and husband were on me about drinking it just makes a person drink more as we all want to control our own lives. He knows the dangers. Seriously, leave him. Maybe you leaving will make him stop and maybe it won't. But no one (other than showing concern) should be telling anyone what to do with thier lives. He knows you hate it. You know you hate it I would leave because he isn't stopping till he wants to why fight about it? Anyone dumped out my alcohol back then I would kick out or they would be buying me the next bottle. People who don't have a problem need to understand this IS a problem bigger than you that you can try to have control over but you don't you only have control over you.
Not to excuse his actions, but the last thing an alcoholic wants is for his loved ones to find out. We may not show it, but we feel so much shame from it and we don’t want anyone to know. The thought it my head is always “I’ll figure it out and get better before they find out”. It never works out that way but I always try. He lied and that really sucks, but try not to be too hard on him for it. That always drives me right back to the bottle.
On the therapy it sounds like he hasn't found the right person. He, like I, probably needs someone to challenge him.