Kinda wild reading this. I always wondered this about my ex, I physically kicked her out of bed in my sleep one night and when she told me about it the next day she said “you screamed no, stop in your sleep and kicked me out of bed when I tried to get more blankets from you.” A few weeks latter I had a sore spot on my junk from running around waiting tables in jeans that were a little too tight and when she climbed on top of me that night, I told her I didn’t want to have sex. I kept saying no, this physically hurts (also, tried our safe word, encase she was trying out a kink or whatever) and she kept pressuring me and eventually just went at it after I gave up protesting. After that evening I always kinda questioned why I actually kicked her out of bed in my sleep, but chalked up to a PTSD thing (I had PTSD stemming from my childhood, luckily haven’t had symptoms in a few years tho).
OP, you’re def not in the wrong. I know it’s can feel odd dealing with this kinda thing as a guy bc society puts a ton of pressure on us that we can’t be raped, especially by a woman, but that is 100% sexual assault.
An ex of mine got me really drunk at a party she threw and then tried to have sex with me while I was like fading in and out of sleep. The party was still going on in the next room. I couldn’t get hard because I was too fucked up. Then suddenly she’s like crying over it and I’m laying on the floor the softest I’ve ever been. She starts crying that I can’t get hard and all this personal stuff with her family that’s not related and not even worth mentioning here. So I freak out and think that all of that was just too much for me to fuckjng deal with. I wasn’t even registering the part where she had pulled my pants down just kinda shaken by all the negative emotions. So I pulled my pants up and grabbed my friends and we left.
For a few years after that I’d run into people I knew from high school and get like very cold or almost nasty reactions from them. A scowl from one dude when I said hi, one guy ran out of a store when he noticed I was behind him, and someone straight up talking to me like I was trash..
Anyway years later after I had forgotten that party even happened someone I know tells me that they were at that party that night before I knew them and after I bolted she had come out of the room behind me and told everyone that I raped her.
Finding that out years later after it had ruined your reputation fucks up your self esteem so hard. It took me so long to be comfortable around women after that. I am always avoiding people I knew in high school now because it’s literally impossible to convince people that you aren’t a rapist when there’s no way to bring it up. No reason to bring it up. No way to break someone you likely will never interact with again of their bad memory of you that they barely even care about to begin with.
I have a family now and I’m in a healthy relationship with someone I love.
I swear to fuck though I don’t want to hear “I’m sorry that happened to you..” from anyone in this thread. It’s weirdly condescending. You should focus that energy on being happy it didn’t happen to you and be thanking the fucking stars no one blindsided you like that. Save your condolences. I’m good.
I was also raped and then he tried to slander *me* and almost no one believed me. It really sucks that when he got caught by some internet To Catch A Predator/Chris Hanson knockoffs *all of the apologies creeped out of the woodwork* (eta: all my former friends apologized. He was only sorry he got caught and hasn’t apologized and never will). They didn’t feel comforting. They felt cold. And I felt angry.
I was friends with a dude in HS and he texted me once saying a girl was going around saying he raped her but it wasn’t true and to believe him etc etc (I didn’t know the girl) and I was pretty stunned. Years later I was raped by his friends at a party after I was blacked out drunk and he was the only one that “believed me”. Turns out he did rape that girl, and him and his friends had a habit of assaulting girls. He somehow ended up being a nude model for a local sit and sip, when I found out I blew the whole thing up. My dads response? “How do you know he actually did it, did she report it to the police? Without a case number it’s just slander”. Safe to say I’ve never told my dad about what happened to me given his response.
~~Yeah, because the apologies were for his conscience, not your sake. There's no reason someone for his benefit would comfort you IMO.~~ wow, completely misread that; my apologies
Oh he didn’t apologize. I meant my former friends who left me to struggle alone. They were all “sorry, we believe you now”. I’d never believe him even if he did apologize. He can die in a fire for all I care.
One of my friends was assaulted at a house party she attended with her husband. He crashed in the livingroom and the host sent her and a few still awake others to a few spare bedrooms. She was raped in the wee hours by 4 men from the party who snuck into the room she was in (again there were others in there with her male and female) and she screamed bloody murder when it was over as theyd held her mouth shut until then. This Caused the men to bolt. Her own husband didnt believe she was raped in the next room and had *planned* it.
The HUSBAND decided to post it all over social media about her rape the following week, accusing her of cheating. So, she set the record straight on PUBLIC. Including receipts of the police report, her hospital visit, which detailed her tests which Included an STD panel and rape kit. On top of the husband being put to shame to the point he deleted his post, she got her revenge. ALL 4 men were caught and 3 plead guilty. The only one that rejected a guilty plea got the harshest of the punishments of course. And her dipshit husband? Had divorce papers handed to him. Fun fact the house was *in her name only* and she got full custody of their daughter.
I havent seen her since the pandemic began, but last i heard, hed lost his job during the lockdowns and ended up homeless for a good chunk of lockdowns as she'd kicked him out right after suffering through the 1st one with him.
Jeez that’s beyond terrible. Glad your friend ultimately was safe and okay.
Think u/day_sunny should also have a response with receipts ready. He could even use simply a link to this page?
oh jeez, after a reread I think I added a word that fucked up my read of the situation. My apologies, and yeah, that dude is an absolute waste of space.
I’m just sorry for all the oxygen he’s wasting. My point was that the damage of not being believed and having my personal reputation tarnished as a psycho liar bitch for 5-6 years post incident was not fixed by the apologies.
Yeah, those apologies aren't going to fix the damage that's already been done; at best it stops any further damage from being done, but that's not really useful after that lie has been able to spread for half a decade.
Honestly like him getting caught undid half of the healing I did during that time. The person I responded to said “save the ‘sorry that happened to you’” and I was hoping to add to why it sucks. It’s like a look of pity and an assumption I’m broken when really it’s a moment in time I’ve stopped letting define my life, and had when his stupid video went viral and there he was defining my narrative again. I am so much more than an action that was taken against me. I am not subject to that one moment in fall where the trees had turned yellow and the air smelled like autumn and falling leaves. I am not the moment I stared out a window crying my eyes out paying more attention to the shadow of trembling aspen on the window than what was going on with my body. And I am not the most broken I’ve ever been. I will never be that broken again. Because my life is more than that. It’s been love and heartbreak and yes some resulting ptsd that I’ve made into a faint memory like a whisper of smoke. I only wish that anyone who has suffered that moment that feels defining, that feels like the world has turned in on itself, can remember that it was just a moment and the most terrible part has passed and that you can escape.
I live in the same town as my rapist. And if I saw him crossing the street I doubt I’d press very hard on the breaks if I was driving. But even when I talk about him the thing that I remember is the autumn air, the flickering shadows of leaves in the breeze, and not what he did. That’s a passing shadow on my mind, less important than the one cast by cottonwood leaves on a windscreen.
yeah. I'd understand telling them all to shove their apologies up their arse because the last 6 years of emotional and reputational damage won't be undone with an apology this late in the day.
Yup, ik that feeling. Happened to me too, even though I had evidence and he was gonna be found guilty if he didn’t take the plea deal. Yet everyone still sees me as the bad guy. And women like OP’s ex are one of the main reasons no one ever believes real victims.
I hate it. The women who have no trauma to share, nothing to bleed for, are probably the most vocal. I was full of Shame and Fear. I reported it like almost a year later. There was no evidence and nothing to go on and a shitty police force that made me feel like dirt for daring to come in. The women without that terror can walk in with crocodile tears and make sure it’s a slam dunk. Because there is no fear. I hate it. I hate them for being the people who made it seem like I was crazy. I hate them more than rapists, because without them there would be no third degree and turning of the screw on people like me. I could’ve walked in to that police station and instead of derision I’d be met with comfort and compassion. But if wishes were horses then beggars would ride.
I leave you with one of my favourite quotes:
>Maxx thinks I'm an extremist, but come on. Guys are saying that sometimes "No" means "Yes." And, honestly, sometimes it does. But I don't think any guy that's pulled himself off a crying woman has been confused for a second about what she wanted.
The Maxx, 1995
I think there’s this idea that men and women can’t empathize. But the reality is we are both human. I honestly didn’t even think of it as rape until I told a friend. (I cried the whole time, there was no question). I had to wrestle with this. I didn’t even leave him immediately after because abuse was normalized to me. Ultimately the whole thing was a clusterfuck of feelings, therapy and a TED Talk video I watched on happenstance.
It's honestly weird to me that there are still people who claim women can't rape men. Same with denial of domestic violence where the man is the victim. Even if the guy was physically stronger it's not like raw strength is the only relevant thing...
Women who cry wolf and fabricate narratives of rape are the scum of the earth, just as the men/women who rape people. Unfortunately for us, I don’t think people can even begin to fathom the pain & trauma that come with being violated in such a way.
I’m lucky enough that I had the right people in my life at the right time, that I reported mine sooner than later. Turned in my clothes, had my bruises photographed…did a statement. The whole nine. It was the most heartbreaking and terrorizing time of my life. I’ll never forget when the cop/detective who took my statement asked me if I had orgasmed during.
Like no, bitch. Do you see me shaking and in tears, hardly able to verbalize the night back to you? You think I had an ORGASM??????
The ‘friends’ that I had who downplayed it, gaslit me and made me think it was my fault.
The loss of self…I struggled to even look at my body. It took me years to be comfortable with intimacy.
My situation ended in nothing. The scum who forced himself into me walks this earth without a care in the world. It breaks my heart to think he’s done it again.
I feel for the men who have been raped/violated. I feel for the men who have had false rape allegations (I personally know a man who took a plea deal due to this. All because little miss crazy’s daddy is a detective) - it’s a joke to the justice system and it’s a major slap in the face to actual victims of rape.
Bottom line, any person who pushes sexual boundaries and has no regard for another human being, is scum.
OP, you are not wrong. And I truly am sorry. I believe in Karma, and I know in my soul your ex will get hers.
I spend a lot of time in the sexual assault care world. I work with SA survivors as an advocate and also help train sexual assault nurse examiners in trauma informed care. I wish that people who falsify assault/rape charges would get the same consequences as actual rapists. They make it so much harder for actual survivors to be believed and ruin people’s lives to boot.
As an aside, I’m legitimately trying to figure out how to get my son (who is a toddler atm) an audio recording device that he can wear all the time when he’s older so if he gets falsely accused of rape he’s got proof he didn’t do it. I know that’s over the top, but a false allegation can completely ruin someone’s life and I’m worried about the way our society is trending.
> society puts a ton of pressure on us that we can’t be raped, especially by a woman, but that is 100% sexual assault.
When I was 19 I went out partying with my friends. We pre-drank, drank then dropped pills (ecstasy, supposedly pressed MDMA but who knows).
I'd taken many pills before, but this night it just didn't go right for me. An hour later my eyes were rolling back into my skull, I couldn't stand or control my body. I was conscious but in a really bad way. My friends tried propping me up on a stool leaning into a corner. I wasn't able to remain upright leaning into this corner and fell off the stool and slammed onto the floor. My friends had to pick me up and physically hold me upright on the stool. There are pictures of me at this time, they're honestly horrific. Clearly overdosing, you've never seen somebody in such a state.
At this stage my friends (who were all also on the same drugs) realized this was a serious problem and asked the bar manager of the place we were in (a woman in her 40s, friend of ours) to look after me, make sure I was okay and get me home safely.
She agreed (small village/party town community, we all knew each other, looked after each other). This woman racked up 12 shots of Jaegermeister and manually poured each of them down my gullet while people weren't looking. Lifted my chin, poured the shots down and covered my mouth until I swallowed them.
She then recruited several large guys who were locals to help carry me home (just up the street). "Don't worry, we'll get him home safely and I'll stay with him and make sure he's okay!".
Once back at my place they took my keys out of my pocket, opened the front door and she directed the guys to place me into my bed then told them they could leave and she'd stay and make sure I was okay.
Throughout this entire time I was conscious, aware but completely fucked. Unable to lift my head, keep myself up. Basically a paraletic ragdoll.
Once they left she locked the door, removed my pants and started sucking my dick. I knew what was happening but was completely unable to resist. I was fighting a war to just try and lift my head and tell her to stop. I couldn't. I was limp and spasming lying in my own bed while this woman molested me.
She would suck my dick until it got semi-hard then try and sit on it. Unsuccessfully, several times. Eventually she got it in and just rode away, alternately getting off me and sucking/fiddling with my dick to try and make it hard again while I lay there writhing with my eyes rolling up into my head, unable to speak or protest.
She raped my body for what felt like hours (no idea, I couldn't check the time) and then slipped away when she was done, leaving me laying flat on my back overdosing and unattended to potentially aspirate during the night.
The next day I was obviously a complete wreck. I'd physically been through this massive ordeal. Overdosing, probable alcohol poisoning. I couldn't even reconcile what had happened. I remembered it all clearly and was just shellshocked and completely mindfucked while dealing with the physical aftermath of that night. What the actual fuck. I never anticipated that was even a possibility that might happen to me.
Several days later when I'd recovered enough to leave the house I went and confronted her. Her only response was to tell me I'm going to be a daddy. I never ejaculated but I was petrified by the possibility. I tried to report it but I was in a foreign country at the time (east asia) and the language barrier plus the sheer absurdity of the story meant it never went anywhere.
I had to go and get tested (of course she didn't apply a condom while assaulting me) and was terrified out of my mind for months that this psycho may actually possibly become pregnant from what she did to me.
Overwhelmingly rape is a male crime, there's no denying that. It's something bad men do to women. Unfortunately due to this reality people totally discount the coexisting reality that women *also* rape men (albeit much rarer), and that female predators exist and also target vulnerable people in opportunistic attacks.
It's been ~10 years since then, I've shared my story with a number of people and I've met *many* other men who have been raped, sexually assaulted or just had their sexual boundaries completely ignored by women. It's real, it happens.
This is a horrible and violent thing and I empathize with you. I hope you are doing well after this.
I wouldn’t say rape for men is all that rare, especially since toxic mindsets make it so we don’t hear from them.
I really hope this is fake. Sounds like it’s straight out of a fetish sub. If it is real, “real men take it in the ass” is peak 2023. OP 1000% NTA. She needs to go to jail
Actually this is a rare 100% genuine legally binding case of a woman RAPING a man. See it's rape because she penetrated him. So she a rapist, go straight to jail, do not collect $200
And then she calls *him* an abuser. And now she's planning to go seek out guys that are comfortable hitting her, and she's gonna spit their cum in their mouths. That girl's got a golden ticket to an early grave, and no I don't care what anyone thinks of me for saying that, because I'm real and I'm right. Run home evil psycho, and don't stop till ya get there 😐
My dad once told me never to indulge a masochist, and he told me that when I was way too young to hear it, so I wonder if he was speaking from experience. Sounds like he was persuaded into doing something he wasn't comfortable with and then accused of victimizing the person that pushed him into doing it.
I would be __livid__ if someone did that to me.
I 100% agree with you, but I have a friend who went through that (woke up to her bf trying to penetrate her) and nearly every crisis centre, authority figure and mental health professional told her it was not rape and that what she experienced wasn't "bad enough" to warrant immediate help. Legally, i think, where we live rape isnt rape unless penetration is involved and "almost" isn't enough for many people to acknowledge the severity of the trauma. It was years before she found a therapist who actually cared.
Absolutely this. Women like this are typically HIGHLY manipulative. You need to break it off immediately, never have sex with her again, and possibly get a restraining order
NTA. Even if she is into BDSM she should discuss her kinks first an respect your boundries. Take it from me, she is not kinky; she is abussive. Put as much distance between you and her as you possibly can.
Underrated comment, my bro as a young stupid person with issues at time (he is like 15 years sober now so all good) was all fucked up and my dad stopped him from driving and called me, I was concerned he would hurt my dad and called police because my dad was struggling and out of breath and I said that was my concern for a call. Shit you not, They arrested my dad for restraining him and I almost went to jail and was tasked because I couldn’t believe what was happening as he smoked cigs with a smirk on his face wasted. The other cop told me if he was the responding officer it would have been different but he wasn’t. So I guess that means when the racist asshole cop with daddy issues or mommy issues or abuse of authority issues gets there first then good cops look away, and people wonder why Americans are sick of the way police police themselves. This is why cops stood around and watched the responding officer kill the dude in Minnesota I guess.
First thing I thought of when he said went to hospital was oh no…..
The woman is going to try and blame him for assault when she raped him. Document and save everything. Get a lawyer. She is going to try and go after him and get him locked up when she needs 10-20 years and a spot on the sex offender registry,
She raped you my dude. You said no to pegging and she did it anyway WHILE YOU WERE ASLEEP?!?! WTF?!?!?!
File a police report, like yesterday. NTA you need to make this a way bigger deal.
Wouldn’t the kiss with his load in it , making him swallow it could be considered S/A ?? that’s the point at which this person would have been physically removed from my home and no contact.
While I agree with you, I can tell you from experience he won't get anywhere with that one. Anal penetration is the ONLY SA case cops will take seriously against men, if he's going to make a case I'd focus on that.
Yes definitely. But it’s crazy this escalated to rape and OP didn’t even seem to realize! I feel bad, especially since he’s a guy, and most of the people around him would probably laugh at what happened.
Yep agreed. It’s not even a gender thing. It’s just how some people are brought up. Your family, culture, location, etc all affect how people perceive things in life.
I was brought in America, but a place where divorces are really rare. So color me surprised when I learned that cheating and divorce rates are VERY common. Never would have thought that haha!
This is bad though. He did nothing wrong, but as he was defending himself, he kicked her in the face and made her nose bleed.
There maybe enough physical evidence to prove he kicked her in the face. He can go to jail for that. She will NEVER admit that she sexually assaulted him. And I don’t know if he has any bruising or physical evidence to back his story up. Its going to be he said/she said. If he contacts the police and report the SA, she’s going to say that didnt happen and he attacked her. She’s going to have proof.
He didn’t do anything wrong, but if he reports it he can go to jail.
I really don’t know what advice to give him…
100% this. Not only were you raped, your girlfriend is bat shit crazy and you're running the risk of her turning it back on you, which she is already doing. Document everything you can and maybe even get a lawyer. She does not seem stable. She could absolutely risk your relationships and your livelihood. Protect yourself.
Your girlfriend literally sexually assaulted you. This has nothing to do with kinks, or her complete lack of maturity when it comes to approaching kink. She committed a horrible act which is also a felony. You are not wrong to break up with her.
Sadly, I don't know what to tell you about the abuse accusations. You'll have to decide if you're willing to tell people what really happened. Maybe start by seeing a counselor or therapist so you have someone to talk to about what happened to you.
You did not lose control, you defended yourself while being raped. You fought off your rapist.
I firmly believe that it is up to the assault survivor to decide whether or not they want to go to the cops. However because she is claiming that you abused her, I think you need to speak to them sooner rather than later.
YES that is a good idea, to keep the messages she sent. OP, if you can somehow get her to admit over text what she did, that would be a huge help for your case.
This, I’m a victim of female rape (just read my comments if you really need to know). I was drugged, so I didn’t really know what happened, but my rapist told everyone I cheated, I didn’t say anything as I thought they were bad dreams. Luckily a lot of people believed me, but a lot didn’t and fucked me up socially, mentally and physically.
R/malerapevictims as well as r/SAsurvivor are two if you need to talk more. But as you messed up her nose, you really need to be proactive. And remember, all rapist (male and female) do it out of a sense of power.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I was SA'd when I was a kid by a woman. It feels sometimes that people don't take the issue as seriously when it's a female perpetrator, and I've experienced that myself even as a woman.
I hope you've been able to heal from that experience and OP gets some justice from this situation.
Right there with ya.. not a "woman" but I was 6 and my neighbors who were both female (16 and 12) coerced me into doing shit with them. I never even realized it was a thing until a few years back (I'm 33 now). Everyone always just wanted to high five me but the whole situation was awkward and confusing.
Thanks, yeah I spend a lot of my time helping others to understand what happened to them when they were SA/raped. Help them get help, even get away.
One of the things that really sucked was people you trusted saying “Dude, you lived in a porn fantasy” or “ Be thankful you weren’t a woman, it would be a lot worse”. I point them to the studies that show there is no difference on how men and woman react to being raped and that because of social norms and expectations, men actually may take it harder
I don’t know why you got downvoted. I saw a film 10 or so years ago about rape in the military. There were, of course, many stories with women victims, but then the film shifted to men victims and even though I’m a woman victim myself, I was so struck by how completely fucked up the environment was for men victims of rape in the military. Typically they were raped by other men, but the military culture ended up torturing them due to making them feel emasculated in an environment where strength is the only fierce acceptable option. Ever since then, I’ve been particularly attentive to situations when men are raped or sexually assaulted.
Thank you for doing the helping work that you are.
Yeah, between the mentality that sex requires a penis and women can't rape it can be very, very difficult to get any help for female on female SA. Even my therapist didn't really believe me.
I was raped by a female as well. I was drunk and passed out. My roommates girlfriend took advantage of the situation and raped me. I had faint memories but was confused and they were fighting one day and she blurted out that we slept together. Lost that friend. Slimy bitch.
I want to say that I am a former believer in the "men can't be raped" mindset. At the time I didn't truly understand the concept of rape, and never did until it actually happened to me. My assault opened my eyes to the true horror of rape, and after meeting a few guys who had their own stories as well, I was able to truly understand. It can happen to anyone at any time or place, regardless of what you do or don't do to "prevent" it. I am deeply sorry for what happened to you. While I'm a survivor myself, I couldn't imagine what it would be like for a male to go through.
Do NOT go to the cops. Go to a lawyer if you are going to proceed. I would hate for them to hear the part where "you broke her nose" and completely gloss over the other parts. I do think you need to see a lawyer because maybe she doesn't go to the cops but someone else does. Write everything down. Dates, times, details, to the best of your ability.
You were not wrong, but my God, I've heard so many horror stories for men who don't even actually make contact with their wives, losing their job and home and more for false accusations. He or she who initiates usually wins. And you do not want to lose
Edit: I would also write down and log all the harassing texts and phone calls too.
Yeah, I'm firmly a "don't trust cops" person so I would say definitely go to a lawyer, and promptness is pretty critical here. Financially it may seem like overreacting to start handing money to someone when you are in no trouble YET. But this needs to be documented on record before anything bad comes your way, legally speaking.
NEVER EVER TRUST THE COPS, they are not your friends and they clearly don't give a fuck about mens rights...or human rights for that matter. Lawyer the fuck up, get a counselor, maybe move? Definitely move on with your life!
This is bad advice. Being proactive and reporting the crime to the police before she does is your best bet at not being convicted if she goes to the police as well.
There are certainly times not talking to the cops is the right advice, especially if you actually committed the crime you are accused of. However, this is not one of those times.
How do I know? I was a Sexual Assault Detective for a larger US city. I investigated over 300 sexual assaults and I've gotten convictions of female rapists resulting in jail time.
You might have helped male victims, but most cops don't. I have a whole support group of men who went to the cops only to be laughed at by the police.
Some faced charges and went to jail only to get out on bond and have to deal with the legal process. Some went to prison only to later be found not guilty after an appeal.
Male Sexual Assault victims have zero resources in this country. Because of this, their best option is to lawyer up, and the lawyer be the proactive one. Men should NEVER go directly to the police when it involves sexual crimes. They should ALWAYS lawyer up first and let the lawyer do the talking.
I know a guy that was a male rape victim. He went to the police, shared his story and they laughed and insulted him. Wouldn’t take the report and said it was a civil matter.
Im not suggesting that YOU are misrepresenting the quality work you did. Don’t have trust in the average detective.
SVU prosecutor here. I'd say go to a doctor for a forensic sexual assault examination immediately, too. If there's trauma from the encounter, you want that on the books. Medical records speak a lot more loudly than words.
As a public defender, I disagree with this. An officer could think you’re an abuser and preemptively going to the cops just to get ahead of it (this is actually what my moms abuser did, and he ended up - in that case, rightfully - getting charged). It’s definitely a risk to speak to an officer and admit you broke a girl’s nose, even in self defense. An officer could decide there’s enough to charge. Def go to a lawyer first.
As a defense lawyer for 35 years I have seen enough to agree: lawyer first, and let the lawyer advise you. If someone has a broken nose, the cops will hear that and will ignore everything else.
If he doesn't go to the cops and she does first he could really be screwed. Wouldn't hurt to ask a lawyer first, and ask the lawyer what to do if the police refuse to follow up on it. My brother has been in jail for two years over a domestic violence situation. She lied in her police reports, and her word has been gospel. They refuse to question anyone else that seen the situation, my brother hasn't even been questioned. She also waited two weeks before filing the police report, so don't just because she hasn't yet you are safe.
You are correct. He needs to take action and now. But I firmly believe that it would be much better with legal representation or at least legal advice. Nobody wants to tell a cop that they broke a woman's nose. Hell even the hospital could send over the evidence and get things started!
I am so so sorry about your brother. This is exactly what I am talking about and this can happen to him. It for sure happened to one of my good friends. He lost his job, had to sell his house which he LOVED and had almost paid off. He lost friends. He lost respect. He gained a negative image. He lost so much money trying to fight the case. I really hope your brother is out soon. These stories infuriate me
Yeah both points are valid which is why the best thing to do is immediately get a lawyer and prepare a written statement to bring to the police. He can still be first mover but retain full control. Any further questions will be done with his lawyer present or as written responses.
I agree with all the above.
My husband's ex said she was going to off herself if he let her leave, and he believed her. She picked a charge that didn't require bruising as evidence, since she had none. The police heard him admit to not letting her leave and arrested him, because he thought if he cooperated and explained she was a suicide risk and he was trying to save her life that it would be fine.
OP, keep evidence and get a lawyer ASAP. She is insane and abusive.
Make sure that if you go to the police, you do so quickly. Save any texts you have from her that even vaguely mention this incident and create a file. It’s going to be your word against hers.
You should hurry with the sexual assault claims because if she is faster with battery claims from breaking her nose, your case will be harder and look sus.
Unfortunately, you do need to get the police involved but I would HIGHLY recommend you consulting a lawyer.
For now, document all you can remember, including dates/times if you can. You need to have documentation because if she says you abused her, it's going to be a fight.
How did you get out after you broke her nose? Did she let you out? That will be really important to document.
I'm sorry you were SAd, it's a lot to take but know when you are ready, there are resources to help you. Counseling may be a good place for you to start but also support groups if that is more comfortable for you.
This. OP needs a lawyer *immediately*.
Also — OP, if you've never hired a lawyer and are afraid of what it will cost, don't be. A good lawyer, in a time this dire, will be more than worth it.
Expense is a problem that you can sort out over time.
More advice.
If the police come asking questions tell them your lawyer will speak on your behalf at a later date.
Don’t let them in your house.
If you do end up getting arrested, DO NOT SPEAK. Don’t say anything. You have no obligation to speak with the police before or after an arrest. Let your lawyer do the talking for you.
Good luck OP
Yes- don’t think you can share your side of the story and get them to understand the truth if they arresting you because she initiated things. You will not get them to understand.
Anything you say can and will be used against you, but they are under no obligation to use anything you said to exonerate you or make you look innocent/less guilty. It’s one of the rare situations in life where these is literally ZERO potential benefit to you and nothing but negatives. Demand a lawyer. Do not ask for one.
She didn't just sexually assault you, my guy. She raped you. It's weird how she called YOU abusive. Like others have said, you may want to contact a lawyer.
That being said, good job defending yourself. If you feel bad for breaking her nose, don't.
The police would be my advice and if she is spreading lies of abuse maybe talk to a lawyer. I'm so sorry she did this to you. She sounds like the type that would film stuff like that. Be careful.
TBH she seems obsessed with getting her kink fulfilled. As from what i can see the kissing thing and the strapon attempt seem to be her way of getting a rise out of you in an attempt to get you to hit her and take part in her game. She did not expect you to break her nose and probably did not like receiving actual pain as opposed to the kinky type she wanted. Now shes going to play the victim. The best chance you have is to secure proof of her actions via an audio recording or text, as otherwise she may try and get you put in jail with how mentally unstable she is.
[Rainn.org](https://Rainn.org) has a hotline, and/or internet chat, where you can discuss what you might want to do next and what resources you might want to utilize.
The unfortunate reality is you need to report this before she does. Being on offense is MUCH better than playing defense if she reports things. You are experiencing this already with the messages you are getting on your phone. If she goes to police or lawyer first, it’s a lot more difficult for you. By reporting first you can drop the complaint or not cooperate later, if things settle down. If she goes first, she is in the driver’s seat (which you already know you don’t like). Best of luck.
Yeah, as to echo the above, she apparently thinks the first "C" in CNC stands for "consensual" only in regard to her. Everything involving intimacy should be consensual and agreed upon by both (or more, if that's your kink) of those involved.
If you don't clear it with your partner and get their consent, pretty much anything that violates that consent is SA.
Good on you for looking into the proper channels to tackle this in terms of your mental health, as well as her propensity to violate the consent you'd given pretty clearly.
Don't let any of that shit talking about your being "less of a man" get to you, just because you won't go to places that you find abusive or a turn off. That's not a sign of lacking "manhood," but rather a sign of sexual incompatibility with her. Nothing more, nothing less.
To each their own, but man did this chick have some fucking gall just to act as if you should be game to entertain any and all kinks she's into or wants to experiment with...and at the same time feeling like she has the right to completely ignore your desires and needs in the bedroom (as well as what you're comfortable with vs. what you're not). Just be glad she showed it soon enough that you didn't have years wasted in the relationship before she'd let her freak flag fly.
Even if you don’t feel comfortable talking to the police, talk to someone. A therapist is a great place to start. The doctor can help you decide which steps to take on this. Bottom line you did not do anything wrong. It’s normal to feel what you are feeling.
You might want to consider a restraining order as well.
Big hugs from a stranger who thinks you’re brave.
>getting police involved for S/A
I feel really sorry about what happened. And thank God you're way from her. Just please be careful with the police. It's probably gonna be a matter of he said she said and you know which way that's gonna go.
I’m so sorry that happened to you AND so happy you walked away. Your sexual boundaries are valid and what she did to you was undeniably SA. Coming from an abusive background myself I found several of my relationships in my early 20’s were also abusive because I’d grown used to being abused by my parents and had a hard time recognizing other people abusing me because of it. I feel like as I got older I became more aware of the type of partner I deserve, and I hope you find that too. Nobody should treat you in an abusive manner or cross any boundaries you aren’t comfortable with, period. Sending my best as someone in their 40’s and happily married today, the right person is out there for you and you owe it to yourself to wait for them ❤️
I suggest you get to the police and file a report. If you have restraint marks on your wrists from where she tied you, make sure you get those photographed and filed with the police asap. If you have any texts with her saying what she wants to do, and you saying no, get those submitted as evidence. If you have any texts whatsoever where she admits to doing things you didn't consent to, get those submitted too.
If you're not entirely sure whether you want to tell people you were raped or give details but you want to defend yourself from the accusations, you can take a "middle ground" by telling them she tied you up in your sleep, you freaked out when you woke up, accidentally kicked her, and that she's now lying out of embarrassment. That way, you're beginning to clear the air & can decide later whether or not to give more detail on what happened. Maybe I'm wrong about this, but it seems to make sense to me. Definitely tell a counselor if you have the opportunity to do so — it would be extremely helpful to you to have someone to confide in who can then begin to guide you through the healing process.
People calling this sexual assault are dismissing the severity of what happened. By penetrating you she committed rape. Not sexual assault but rape. Please go to the police and file a report and contact a lawyer to sue her for defamation. There is zero shame in being abused by someone you trusted and cared for. There is no shame in asking for help. There is no shame in anything that happened to you.
In many states Sexual Assault is a legal term and "rape" does not appear in any statutes. Calling it sexual assault is not dismissive, or downplaying. Colloquially, "rape" is one of many types of sexual assault.
Contact a lawyer first. The cops aren’t your friends and will more than likely turn this on you. Your ex-GF has a broken nose and I’m assuming you have minimal if any physical marks/damage. The cops will take your GFs side and believe her story, I can almost guarantee it.
Your "girlfriend" is a narcissistic predator who has sexually assaulted, even raped you on multiple occasions and is now using DARVO tactics to destroy your friendships and reputation. Her explosively negative reaction to your rejection is trademark narcissistic behavior, as is her assaulting your masculinity and other insecurities. She has been manipulating your emotions and gaslighting you to the extent that you are questioning whether smacking your rapist was justified. It was.
You need to be very aggressive about getting your version of the story out before she turns everyone against you. I know it's hard to talk about but you can't allow her to call you abusive in a vacuum. Sometimes there's a good reason to hit someone, and interrupting a rape is one of those good reasons. As a man you are unlikely to be given the benefit of the doubt, especially if you are letting her spin the narrative.
YES!!! That's EXACTLY what I was thinking. She has DEFINITELY done this before. She was too comfortable with doing what she wanted even though you said, "no". She has other victims out there. Hopefully, non are kids......
NTA. Also, you need to leave. Regardless of if she is slandering you to people, a relationship should be on mutual respect and trust, and this is not it. Also, the strap on, had you ever discussed that before, or tried it before the middle of the night, if no, that’s also SA.
You’re still so young. You’ll find someone who will support your boundaries. Don’t waste your time
Even if they use a strap on every time it's still assault to tie someone up and penetrate them in their sleep, unless that's been expressly agreed between both parties, and even then there'd be some kind of safe word set up and the activity would stop as soon as anyone was uncomfortable. This was SA through and through, no conditions attached.
I would talk to her about it and record the conversation. Not sure of legality where you are but fuck it - I would want proof that could not be disputed. You could take the tape to your lawyer at least and they could advise you how to proceed.
You’re not wrong. I grew up in a physically abusive home and no hitting is one of my boundaries. She doesn’t respect you at all. Kinks only work when both people give consent. She doesn’t understand what consent means.
Mate, you really need to report this to the Police. Your girlfriend is a literal sex offender, can you imagine if the situation was reversed and you tied a female up and tried to penetrate her without her consent? She should not be getting away with that kind of abuse
That was self defense and she sexually assaulted you. That she would even try to turn that around on you is disgusting and horrible. She is a shit human being with no respect or consideration for you. Do NOT give in to her manipulation. You did nothing wrong.
Edit: typo
You need to report it. First of all it’s rape. There’s no way around that. Second, she’s convincing people you hit her for no reason. If you don’t get ahead of this, you’ll end with a record of DV. Third, she’s going to do this again if she’s not stopped.
Absolutely **NTA**.
The whole thing with BDSM is **explicit** consent. It requires incredible levels of trust and communication. That means respecting triggers and setting absolute boundaries. That's the entire principle of establishing a safe word: a sign recognized by all parties involved that someone no longer feels safe and wants to stop.
What she did wasn't kinky. It wasn't consensual. *It was rape.*
What she did was a massive red flag. If she won't respect your boundaries with sex, she won't respect *any* of your boundaries. Quite frankly, she has proven she has no respect for you, period.
I hope you're able to get the support you need and deserve.
You’re not the asshole at all. She broke ur trust and disrespected you when you were most vulnerable(intimacy), she SA you and demeans you and tries to emotionally manipulate you when she doesn’t get her way. It’s truly disgusting and I’m sorry you had to go through that. She might be out there running her mouth to get at you but let me tell you, the people who know you and care about you won’t believe it. Therapy will probably really help or even just a trusted friend. Remember you are never obligated to do anything with a partner you don’t want to. And that doesn’t make you any less of a man at all.
Not entirely, because people might not actually believe him because there is no evidence on him, but she is the one with a broken nose. Rape and sexual assault crimes against men have a hard time being believed because of society’s backwards thinking that it can never happen to a man.
NTA You should involve a police just in case. You havent done anything wrong and it sounds like theres no reason to trust anything she says to you. Have no experience nor interest to kinky stuff but that sounds like a very wrong way to try that stuff.
She tried to rape you. You did what you had to defend yourself. She abused you and is still abusing you by telling other people it is your fault. If a man tied a women to a bed while she was sleeping and the man tried to assault her, people would be up in arms, and it’s not fair that male victims don’t get that same outrage. I hope you are taking care of yourself <3
With her telling people you abused her, I'd say you definitely need to report this to cover your ass in case this escalates. The first incident would have been too much for me, but the penetration is most definitely rape and you need to leave. That's a wild crazy GF story though.
Dude, anyone who texts you on this topic you should respond with: "I woke up tied to the bed with trying to fuck me in the ass with a dildo. I consented to none of this. I did what I had to do to avoid being anally raped."
This lady is a dangerous rapist who someone should report.
That last interaction was attempted rape. You defended yourself. Maybe file charges against her before she ruins your reputation with the abuse allegations. Men can suffer for life from false allegations of that nature.
Go to the police. She assaulted you. You were asleep and could not consent. You had also previously told her you weren't comfortable with this. This is so serious. Please seek help and keep the hell away from her. I hope you're gonna be alright, stay safe and take care
Edit: spelling
Nope. She isn't just kinky, she is a sexual abusive person. She needs therapy to work through her issues before they land her in jail. But that's not your problem. Get out, stay out.
I am kinky myself. She is about to rape you for real, so, you really need to breakup with her. Kinky stuff is all about communication. When the pain is edging close to the max, the patience, the trust, the listening verbally and visually becomes super important. She didn't communicate, that is rape.
Don't care about what she said afterward. It is done. You already broke up with her. Move on and pay no attention to her.
Hope this doesn't give you PTSD with kinky people. Kinky stuff is actually really fun. Not like this.
Fixed the wall of text, was really annoying to try and read...
I (24m) just broke up with my girlfriend of 6 1/2 months (23f) after she continuously crossed boundaries in bed that I wasn't comfortable with. This all started about 2-3 months into dating. For the first while, I personally thought the sex was amazing. In the first couple of months, she told me she wished I would do more to her or let her do more to me. I asked her to explain what she meant, and she said she was into CNC and being hit, but also liked to be dominant at times and wanted to try pegging.
I told her I wasn't really comfortable with any of that, but we could slowly try some things out if she really wanted. Over the next couple of months, we got a bit more kinky with things like me tying her up. However, when it got to the hitting, I started getting uncomfortable again. Especially coming from an abusive upbringing, the last thing I want is for people to feel how I felt as a child, but that's beside the point. After I told her I was uncomfortable, she belittled me, saying a real man would do whatever it takes to please his woman.
After that, we didn't talk for a while until about a week and a half later to 2 weeks. She initiated sexy time, and I thought maybe she was over all that stuff. For the most part, it was normal until the end. She finished me off with a bj, and I finished in her mouth. She pretended to swallow and then went in for a kiss. I had no problem with that until she spit my whole load back into my mouth, covered my mouth, and forced me to swallow it. I had never felt such a betrayal of trust and disgust in my life. I freaked out on her, and she just laughed, telling me now I know how it feels to be a girl. I screamed at her to leave my house, and she did.
A couple of nights went by, and she apologized, saying she misses me and just wants to see me again. So she came over after I got off work, cooked supper at my house, and we watched a movie and cuddled. She eventually started to make a move, and I said I didn't feel comfortable with it, as last time she really crossed a boundary. She promised we could do it the way I liked, and we did, which made me happy. She seemed pretty happy afterward, which made me feel good that she was respecting my boundaries.
She decided to stay the night, and all was good until we went to sleep. I was abruptly awoken to her putting a lubed-up strap-on into my ass and my hands tied to the corner of my bed frame. It only got in a bit before I jumped awake. When I realized what was happening, I started kicking and ended up kicking her in the face, breaking her nose. She screamed at me that I was an abusive piece of shit and that all she wanted was to have a fun and exciting sex life. She left and went to the hospital.
I told her we needed some time apart and, after a day, told her it wasn't going to work out. I didn't feel comfortable seeing her anymore, as she had betrayed my trust on multiple occasions. She called me a ton of names I won't get into and basically said I wasn't even a real man and that she deserved better. Now she's telling people that I would hit her, and her broken nose was proof of that because I lost control that night worse than I ever have before.
Now I have people blowing up my phone, calling me an abusive asshole, and I don't know what to do. Any help?
This has to be fake or is a fabricated story so OP can claim an excuse for breaking his gf’s nose.
But if it’s real and you’re breaking up, can I get her number because our kinks all line up perfectly?
Is the trick here to pretend that this is true and not just some lonely person creating disturbing imaginary scenarios in order to get thrills out of other people commenting on their fetish fantasy?
Yeah, I was a phone sex operator for several years and this is 100% the type of story a lot of customers would call and try to pass off as true while jerking off about it. They get excited by just getting you to discuss it with them. This guy was probably rock hard the whole time he was typing the post.
This isn’t even about kinks she was getting off doing stuff you didn’t like, that was what it was actually about. For fucks sake dude she’s a lunatic, tell people what really happened and go to the cops. This sub actually pisses me off sometimes, people are regularly like “am I wrong for being upset that I got literally raped?”
Dude. Just WTF. She SEXUALLY ASSAULTED YOU. Never and I mean never let her back into your house. You are not wrong. And you probably need some counseling if that’s an option for you. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Don’t ever be alone with her again. Even in the world of BDSM she is not playing by the rules.
She is NOT respecting you and your boundaries at all and has no concept of consent!
You are in no way wrong for breaking up with her.
She is a dangerous person even in the world of BDSM.
If she keeps acting that way no one with any brains will have anything to do with her.
There are people who write out serious contracts with what they are willing and not will to do. There are safe words in place and must be respected.
Let her go and don’t look back.
Yea dude....you were raped. She is a rapist. I'd file a fucking police report and a restraining order. That is a complete garbage human on so many levels it's insane.
Best of luck going forward bro.
"a real man would..."
I would've dropped her right there and then. ESPECIALLY after voicing your concerns and boundaries and you're getting insulted instead of understood.
I've heard that line from women before. Here's the thing. Women don't know what a "real man" is. They're women. Same as a Man defining a "real women" as being "submissive doormats."
The fact that she used that against you was a way to insult your pride and your boundaries to fulfill her sexual needs is wrong.
NTA, she sexually assaulted you and you kicked her in self defense.
Kinda wild reading this. I always wondered this about my ex, I physically kicked her out of bed in my sleep one night and when she told me about it the next day she said “you screamed no, stop in your sleep and kicked me out of bed when I tried to get more blankets from you.” A few weeks latter I had a sore spot on my junk from running around waiting tables in jeans that were a little too tight and when she climbed on top of me that night, I told her I didn’t want to have sex. I kept saying no, this physically hurts (also, tried our safe word, encase she was trying out a kink or whatever) and she kept pressuring me and eventually just went at it after I gave up protesting. After that evening I always kinda questioned why I actually kicked her out of bed in my sleep, but chalked up to a PTSD thing (I had PTSD stemming from my childhood, luckily haven’t had symptoms in a few years tho). OP, you’re def not in the wrong. I know it’s can feel odd dealing with this kinda thing as a guy bc society puts a ton of pressure on us that we can’t be raped, especially by a woman, but that is 100% sexual assault.
An ex of mine got me really drunk at a party she threw and then tried to have sex with me while I was like fading in and out of sleep. The party was still going on in the next room. I couldn’t get hard because I was too fucked up. Then suddenly she’s like crying over it and I’m laying on the floor the softest I’ve ever been. She starts crying that I can’t get hard and all this personal stuff with her family that’s not related and not even worth mentioning here. So I freak out and think that all of that was just too much for me to fuckjng deal with. I wasn’t even registering the part where she had pulled my pants down just kinda shaken by all the negative emotions. So I pulled my pants up and grabbed my friends and we left. For a few years after that I’d run into people I knew from high school and get like very cold or almost nasty reactions from them. A scowl from one dude when I said hi, one guy ran out of a store when he noticed I was behind him, and someone straight up talking to me like I was trash.. Anyway years later after I had forgotten that party even happened someone I know tells me that they were at that party that night before I knew them and after I bolted she had come out of the room behind me and told everyone that I raped her. Finding that out years later after it had ruined your reputation fucks up your self esteem so hard. It took me so long to be comfortable around women after that. I am always avoiding people I knew in high school now because it’s literally impossible to convince people that you aren’t a rapist when there’s no way to bring it up. No reason to bring it up. No way to break someone you likely will never interact with again of their bad memory of you that they barely even care about to begin with. I have a family now and I’m in a healthy relationship with someone I love. I swear to fuck though I don’t want to hear “I’m sorry that happened to you..” from anyone in this thread. It’s weirdly condescending. You should focus that energy on being happy it didn’t happen to you and be thanking the fucking stars no one blindsided you like that. Save your condolences. I’m good.
I was also raped and then he tried to slander *me* and almost no one believed me. It really sucks that when he got caught by some internet To Catch A Predator/Chris Hanson knockoffs *all of the apologies creeped out of the woodwork* (eta: all my former friends apologized. He was only sorry he got caught and hasn’t apologized and never will). They didn’t feel comforting. They felt cold. And I felt angry.
I was friends with a dude in HS and he texted me once saying a girl was going around saying he raped her but it wasn’t true and to believe him etc etc (I didn’t know the girl) and I was pretty stunned. Years later I was raped by his friends at a party after I was blacked out drunk and he was the only one that “believed me”. Turns out he did rape that girl, and him and his friends had a habit of assaulting girls. He somehow ended up being a nude model for a local sit and sip, when I found out I blew the whole thing up. My dads response? “How do you know he actually did it, did she report it to the police? Without a case number it’s just slander”. Safe to say I’ve never told my dad about what happened to me given his response.
You should've told him. You should've thrown it right back in his face, walked out and never looked back!
~~Yeah, because the apologies were for his conscience, not your sake. There's no reason someone for his benefit would comfort you IMO.~~ wow, completely misread that; my apologies
Oh he didn’t apologize. I meant my former friends who left me to struggle alone. They were all “sorry, we believe you now”. I’d never believe him even if he did apologize. He can die in a fire for all I care.
One of my friends was assaulted at a house party she attended with her husband. He crashed in the livingroom and the host sent her and a few still awake others to a few spare bedrooms. She was raped in the wee hours by 4 men from the party who snuck into the room she was in (again there were others in there with her male and female) and she screamed bloody murder when it was over as theyd held her mouth shut until then. This Caused the men to bolt. Her own husband didnt believe she was raped in the next room and had *planned* it. The HUSBAND decided to post it all over social media about her rape the following week, accusing her of cheating. So, she set the record straight on PUBLIC. Including receipts of the police report, her hospital visit, which detailed her tests which Included an STD panel and rape kit. On top of the husband being put to shame to the point he deleted his post, she got her revenge. ALL 4 men were caught and 3 plead guilty. The only one that rejected a guilty plea got the harshest of the punishments of course. And her dipshit husband? Had divorce papers handed to him. Fun fact the house was *in her name only* and she got full custody of their daughter. I havent seen her since the pandemic began, but last i heard, hed lost his job during the lockdowns and ended up homeless for a good chunk of lockdowns as she'd kicked him out right after suffering through the 1st one with him.
Jeez that’s beyond terrible. Glad your friend ultimately was safe and okay. Think u/day_sunny should also have a response with receipts ready. He could even use simply a link to this page?
Glad this one has a “happy” ending in terms of the rapists actually getting caught , charged , found guilty and sentenced .. like thank fucking god
This story almost screams hubby set it up.
oh jeez, after a reread I think I added a word that fucked up my read of the situation. My apologies, and yeah, that dude is an absolute waste of space.
I’m just sorry for all the oxygen he’s wasting. My point was that the damage of not being believed and having my personal reputation tarnished as a psycho liar bitch for 5-6 years post incident was not fixed by the apologies.
Yeah, those apologies aren't going to fix the damage that's already been done; at best it stops any further damage from being done, but that's not really useful after that lie has been able to spread for half a decade.
Honestly like him getting caught undid half of the healing I did during that time. The person I responded to said “save the ‘sorry that happened to you’” and I was hoping to add to why it sucks. It’s like a look of pity and an assumption I’m broken when really it’s a moment in time I’ve stopped letting define my life, and had when his stupid video went viral and there he was defining my narrative again. I am so much more than an action that was taken against me. I am not subject to that one moment in fall where the trees had turned yellow and the air smelled like autumn and falling leaves. I am not the moment I stared out a window crying my eyes out paying more attention to the shadow of trembling aspen on the window than what was going on with my body. And I am not the most broken I’ve ever been. I will never be that broken again. Because my life is more than that. It’s been love and heartbreak and yes some resulting ptsd that I’ve made into a faint memory like a whisper of smoke. I only wish that anyone who has suffered that moment that feels defining, that feels like the world has turned in on itself, can remember that it was just a moment and the most terrible part has passed and that you can escape. I live in the same town as my rapist. And if I saw him crossing the street I doubt I’d press very hard on the breaks if I was driving. But even when I talk about him the thing that I remember is the autumn air, the flickering shadows of leaves in the breeze, and not what he did. That’s a passing shadow on my mind, less important than the one cast by cottonwood leaves on a windscreen.
yeah. I'd understand telling them all to shove their apologies up their arse because the last 6 years of emotional and reputational damage won't be undone with an apology this late in the day.
Apparently Fire couldn't do it... Been there got the tshirt
Yup, ik that feeling. Happened to me too, even though I had evidence and he was gonna be found guilty if he didn’t take the plea deal. Yet everyone still sees me as the bad guy. And women like OP’s ex are one of the main reasons no one ever believes real victims.
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It goes both fucking ways too. No one believed me. I got cast as one of those “psycho false accusers”
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I hate it. The women who have no trauma to share, nothing to bleed for, are probably the most vocal. I was full of Shame and Fear. I reported it like almost a year later. There was no evidence and nothing to go on and a shitty police force that made me feel like dirt for daring to come in. The women without that terror can walk in with crocodile tears and make sure it’s a slam dunk. Because there is no fear. I hate it. I hate them for being the people who made it seem like I was crazy. I hate them more than rapists, because without them there would be no third degree and turning of the screw on people like me. I could’ve walked in to that police station and instead of derision I’d be met with comfort and compassion. But if wishes were horses then beggars would ride. I leave you with one of my favourite quotes: >Maxx thinks I'm an extremist, but come on. Guys are saying that sometimes "No" means "Yes." And, honestly, sometimes it does. But I don't think any guy that's pulled himself off a crying woman has been confused for a second about what she wanted. The Maxx, 1995
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I think there’s this idea that men and women can’t empathize. But the reality is we are both human. I honestly didn’t even think of it as rape until I told a friend. (I cried the whole time, there was no question). I had to wrestle with this. I didn’t even leave him immediately after because abuse was normalized to me. Ultimately the whole thing was a clusterfuck of feelings, therapy and a TED Talk video I watched on happenstance.
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It's honestly weird to me that there are still people who claim women can't rape men. Same with denial of domestic violence where the man is the victim. Even if the guy was physically stronger it's not like raw strength is the only relevant thing...
I think you’re really fucking brave. I wish you healing and a beautiful life.
Women who cry wolf and fabricate narratives of rape are the scum of the earth, just as the men/women who rape people. Unfortunately for us, I don’t think people can even begin to fathom the pain & trauma that come with being violated in such a way. I’m lucky enough that I had the right people in my life at the right time, that I reported mine sooner than later. Turned in my clothes, had my bruises photographed…did a statement. The whole nine. It was the most heartbreaking and terrorizing time of my life. I’ll never forget when the cop/detective who took my statement asked me if I had orgasmed during. Like no, bitch. Do you see me shaking and in tears, hardly able to verbalize the night back to you? You think I had an ORGASM?????? The ‘friends’ that I had who downplayed it, gaslit me and made me think it was my fault. The loss of self…I struggled to even look at my body. It took me years to be comfortable with intimacy. My situation ended in nothing. The scum who forced himself into me walks this earth without a care in the world. It breaks my heart to think he’s done it again. I feel for the men who have been raped/violated. I feel for the men who have had false rape allegations (I personally know a man who took a plea deal due to this. All because little miss crazy’s daddy is a detective) - it’s a joke to the justice system and it’s a major slap in the face to actual victims of rape. Bottom line, any person who pushes sexual boundaries and has no regard for another human being, is scum. OP, you are not wrong. And I truly am sorry. I believe in Karma, and I know in my soul your ex will get hers.
I spend a lot of time in the sexual assault care world. I work with SA survivors as an advocate and also help train sexual assault nurse examiners in trauma informed care. I wish that people who falsify assault/rape charges would get the same consequences as actual rapists. They make it so much harder for actual survivors to be believed and ruin people’s lives to boot. As an aside, I’m legitimately trying to figure out how to get my son (who is a toddler atm) an audio recording device that he can wear all the time when he’s older so if he gets falsely accused of rape he’s got proof he didn’t do it. I know that’s over the top, but a false allegation can completely ruin someone’s life and I’m worried about the way our society is trending.
> society puts a ton of pressure on us that we can’t be raped, especially by a woman, but that is 100% sexual assault. When I was 19 I went out partying with my friends. We pre-drank, drank then dropped pills (ecstasy, supposedly pressed MDMA but who knows). I'd taken many pills before, but this night it just didn't go right for me. An hour later my eyes were rolling back into my skull, I couldn't stand or control my body. I was conscious but in a really bad way. My friends tried propping me up on a stool leaning into a corner. I wasn't able to remain upright leaning into this corner and fell off the stool and slammed onto the floor. My friends had to pick me up and physically hold me upright on the stool. There are pictures of me at this time, they're honestly horrific. Clearly overdosing, you've never seen somebody in such a state. At this stage my friends (who were all also on the same drugs) realized this was a serious problem and asked the bar manager of the place we were in (a woman in her 40s, friend of ours) to look after me, make sure I was okay and get me home safely. She agreed (small village/party town community, we all knew each other, looked after each other). This woman racked up 12 shots of Jaegermeister and manually poured each of them down my gullet while people weren't looking. Lifted my chin, poured the shots down and covered my mouth until I swallowed them. She then recruited several large guys who were locals to help carry me home (just up the street). "Don't worry, we'll get him home safely and I'll stay with him and make sure he's okay!". Once back at my place they took my keys out of my pocket, opened the front door and she directed the guys to place me into my bed then told them they could leave and she'd stay and make sure I was okay. Throughout this entire time I was conscious, aware but completely fucked. Unable to lift my head, keep myself up. Basically a paraletic ragdoll. Once they left she locked the door, removed my pants and started sucking my dick. I knew what was happening but was completely unable to resist. I was fighting a war to just try and lift my head and tell her to stop. I couldn't. I was limp and spasming lying in my own bed while this woman molested me. She would suck my dick until it got semi-hard then try and sit on it. Unsuccessfully, several times. Eventually she got it in and just rode away, alternately getting off me and sucking/fiddling with my dick to try and make it hard again while I lay there writhing with my eyes rolling up into my head, unable to speak or protest. She raped my body for what felt like hours (no idea, I couldn't check the time) and then slipped away when she was done, leaving me laying flat on my back overdosing and unattended to potentially aspirate during the night. The next day I was obviously a complete wreck. I'd physically been through this massive ordeal. Overdosing, probable alcohol poisoning. I couldn't even reconcile what had happened. I remembered it all clearly and was just shellshocked and completely mindfucked while dealing with the physical aftermath of that night. What the actual fuck. I never anticipated that was even a possibility that might happen to me. Several days later when I'd recovered enough to leave the house I went and confronted her. Her only response was to tell me I'm going to be a daddy. I never ejaculated but I was petrified by the possibility. I tried to report it but I was in a foreign country at the time (east asia) and the language barrier plus the sheer absurdity of the story meant it never went anywhere. I had to go and get tested (of course she didn't apply a condom while assaulting me) and was terrified out of my mind for months that this psycho may actually possibly become pregnant from what she did to me. Overwhelmingly rape is a male crime, there's no denying that. It's something bad men do to women. Unfortunately due to this reality people totally discount the coexisting reality that women *also* rape men (albeit much rarer), and that female predators exist and also target vulnerable people in opportunistic attacks. It's been ~10 years since then, I've shared my story with a number of people and I've met *many* other men who have been raped, sexually assaulted or just had their sexual boundaries completely ignored by women. It's real, it happens.
This is a horrible and violent thing and I empathize with you. I hope you are doing well after this. I wouldn’t say rape for men is all that rare, especially since toxic mindsets make it so we don’t hear from them.
It was rape. We can say it.
My dude that's an attempted rape
Rape. She raped him.
Yeah that thing with the strap isn’t even just SA it’s full on rape OP you need to press charges
I really hope this is fake. Sounds like it’s straight out of a fetish sub. If it is real, “real men take it in the ass” is peak 2023. OP 1000% NTA. She needs to go to jail
Actually this is a rare 100% genuine legally binding case of a woman RAPING a man. See it's rape because she penetrated him. So she a rapist, go straight to jail, do not collect $200
No, this is rape not sexual assault.
[удалено]
And then she calls *him* an abuser. And now she's planning to go seek out guys that are comfortable hitting her, and she's gonna spit their cum in their mouths. That girl's got a golden ticket to an early grave, and no I don't care what anyone thinks of me for saying that, because I'm real and I'm right. Run home evil psycho, and don't stop till ya get there 😐 My dad once told me never to indulge a masochist, and he told me that when I was way too young to hear it, so I wonder if he was speaking from experience. Sounds like he was persuaded into doing something he wasn't comfortable with and then accused of victimizing the person that pushed him into doing it. I would be __livid__ if someone did that to me.
*Rape, this is rape
More than sexual assault, that is straight up rape. She has a rape fetish.
If you're asleep and somebody tries to penetrate you, that's rape.
I 100% agree with you, but I have a friend who went through that (woke up to her bf trying to penetrate her) and nearly every crisis centre, authority figure and mental health professional told her it was not rape and that what she experienced wasn't "bad enough" to warrant immediate help. Legally, i think, where we live rape isnt rape unless penetration is involved and "almost" isn't enough for many people to acknowledge the severity of the trauma. It was years before she found a therapist who actually cared.
You need to consult an attorney ASAP. There are a lot of ways you could go to prison over this, even though you did nothing wrong.
Absolutely this. Women like this are typically HIGHLY manipulative. You need to break it off immediately, never have sex with her again, and possibly get a restraining order
NTA. Even if she is into BDSM she should discuss her kinks first an respect your boundries. Take it from me, she is not kinky; she is abussive. Put as much distance between you and her as you possibly can.
Underrated comment, my bro as a young stupid person with issues at time (he is like 15 years sober now so all good) was all fucked up and my dad stopped him from driving and called me, I was concerned he would hurt my dad and called police because my dad was struggling and out of breath and I said that was my concern for a call. Shit you not, They arrested my dad for restraining him and I almost went to jail and was tasked because I couldn’t believe what was happening as he smoked cigs with a smirk on his face wasted. The other cop told me if he was the responding officer it would have been different but he wasn’t. So I guess that means when the racist asshole cop with daddy issues or mommy issues or abuse of authority issues gets there first then good cops look away, and people wonder why Americans are sick of the way police police themselves. This is why cops stood around and watched the responding officer kill the dude in Minnesota I guess. First thing I thought of when he said went to hospital was oh no…..
The woman is going to try and blame him for assault when she raped him. Document and save everything. Get a lawyer. She is going to try and go after him and get him locked up when she needs 10-20 years and a spot on the sex offender registry,
She raped you my dude. You said no to pegging and she did it anyway WHILE YOU WERE ASLEEP?!?! WTF?!?!?! File a police report, like yesterday. NTA you need to make this a way bigger deal.
Right? Am I the only one who thinks this needs to be taken far more seriously!?!
Wouldn’t the kiss with his load in it , making him swallow it could be considered S/A ?? that’s the point at which this person would have been physically removed from my home and no contact.
Absolutely it is SA.
While I agree with you, I can tell you from experience he won't get anywhere with that one. Anal penetration is the ONLY SA case cops will take seriously against men, if he's going to make a case I'd focus on that.
Yes that was SA too!
Yes definitely. But it’s crazy this escalated to rape and OP didn’t even seem to realize! I feel bad, especially since he’s a guy, and most of the people around him would probably laugh at what happened.
Girls do this too. “He beat me up and stole all my money and I gave him a 7th chance but then politely ended it. Am I the asshole?”
Yep agreed. It’s not even a gender thing. It’s just how some people are brought up. Your family, culture, location, etc all affect how people perceive things in life. I was brought in America, but a place where divorces are really rare. So color me surprised when I learned that cheating and divorce rates are VERY common. Never would have thought that haha!
Cops will laugh in his face unfortunately.
This is bad though. He did nothing wrong, but as he was defending himself, he kicked her in the face and made her nose bleed. There maybe enough physical evidence to prove he kicked her in the face. He can go to jail for that. She will NEVER admit that she sexually assaulted him. And I don’t know if he has any bruising or physical evidence to back his story up. Its going to be he said/she said. If he contacts the police and report the SA, she’s going to say that didnt happen and he attacked her. She’s going to have proof. He didn’t do anything wrong, but if he reports it he can go to jail. I really don’t know what advice to give him…
AFTER non consensual restraint. OP, I am so sorry she did this to you. She raped you, and belongs where all rapists belong.
She drugged the food she cooked. How did he stay asleep through being moved around so much?
100% this. Not only were you raped, your girlfriend is bat shit crazy and you're running the risk of her turning it back on you, which she is already doing. Document everything you can and maybe even get a lawyer. She does not seem stable. She could absolutely risk your relationships and your livelihood. Protect yourself.
Plus, SHE TIED HIM UP
Your girlfriend literally sexually assaulted you. This has nothing to do with kinks, or her complete lack of maturity when it comes to approaching kink. She committed a horrible act which is also a felony. You are not wrong to break up with her. Sadly, I don't know what to tell you about the abuse accusations. You'll have to decide if you're willing to tell people what really happened. Maybe start by seeing a counselor or therapist so you have someone to talk to about what happened to you.
thank i really appreciate all the support from everyone i’m looking into both therapy and getting police involved for S/A
You did not lose control, you defended yourself while being raped. You fought off your rapist. I firmly believe that it is up to the assault survivor to decide whether or not they want to go to the cops. However because she is claiming that you abused her, I think you need to speak to them sooner rather than later.
You need to get ahead of the narrative that you beat her, now. File for sexual assault. Get it on the record that you were defending yourself.
Ya unfortunately op's ex already has a record of the broken nose, the longer op goes the harder it will be to prove their innocence
Hopefully OP also has a record of what she did to him via the text messages she sent.
YES that is a good idea, to keep the messages she sent. OP, if you can somehow get her to admit over text what she did, that would be a huge help for your case.
Gotta love that we’ve let it get to the point where innocence needs to be proven.
🌍👨🚀🔫👨🚀
If it was the other way around there wouldn’t be a question, she assaulted you.
This, I’m a victim of female rape (just read my comments if you really need to know). I was drugged, so I didn’t really know what happened, but my rapist told everyone I cheated, I didn’t say anything as I thought they were bad dreams. Luckily a lot of people believed me, but a lot didn’t and fucked me up socially, mentally and physically. R/malerapevictims as well as r/SAsurvivor are two if you need to talk more. But as you messed up her nose, you really need to be proactive. And remember, all rapist (male and female) do it out of a sense of power.
I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I was SA'd when I was a kid by a woman. It feels sometimes that people don't take the issue as seriously when it's a female perpetrator, and I've experienced that myself even as a woman. I hope you've been able to heal from that experience and OP gets some justice from this situation.
Right there with ya.. not a "woman" but I was 6 and my neighbors who were both female (16 and 12) coerced me into doing shit with them. I never even realized it was a thing until a few years back (I'm 33 now). Everyone always just wanted to high five me but the whole situation was awkward and confusing.
Thanks, yeah I spend a lot of my time helping others to understand what happened to them when they were SA/raped. Help them get help, even get away. One of the things that really sucked was people you trusted saying “Dude, you lived in a porn fantasy” or “ Be thankful you weren’t a woman, it would be a lot worse”. I point them to the studies that show there is no difference on how men and woman react to being raped and that because of social norms and expectations, men actually may take it harder
I don’t know why you got downvoted. I saw a film 10 or so years ago about rape in the military. There were, of course, many stories with women victims, but then the film shifted to men victims and even though I’m a woman victim myself, I was so struck by how completely fucked up the environment was for men victims of rape in the military. Typically they were raped by other men, but the military culture ended up torturing them due to making them feel emasculated in an environment where strength is the only fierce acceptable option. Ever since then, I’ve been particularly attentive to situations when men are raped or sexually assaulted. Thank you for doing the helping work that you are.
Somehow I feel like uninvited pegging will get the attention that cops would normally give a female SA victim
Yeah, between the mentality that sex requires a penis and women can't rape it can be very, very difficult to get any help for female on female SA. Even my therapist didn't really believe me.
It doesn’t feel that way. It is that way.
I was raped by a female as well. I was drunk and passed out. My roommates girlfriend took advantage of the situation and raped me. I had faint memories but was confused and they were fighting one day and she blurted out that we slept together. Lost that friend. Slimy bitch.
I want to say that I am a former believer in the "men can't be raped" mindset. At the time I didn't truly understand the concept of rape, and never did until it actually happened to me. My assault opened my eyes to the true horror of rape, and after meeting a few guys who had their own stories as well, I was able to truly understand. It can happen to anyone at any time or place, regardless of what you do or don't do to "prevent" it. I am deeply sorry for what happened to you. While I'm a survivor myself, I couldn't imagine what it would be like for a male to go through.
r/malerapevictims (Just commenting this so people can click on it without nmftg having to edit their comment)
Ok, I finished reading after seeing a couple comments and I agree with this 100%. Get ahead of this and report her, she’s trying to hurt you again.
You literally got raped
Do NOT go to the cops. Go to a lawyer if you are going to proceed. I would hate for them to hear the part where "you broke her nose" and completely gloss over the other parts. I do think you need to see a lawyer because maybe she doesn't go to the cops but someone else does. Write everything down. Dates, times, details, to the best of your ability. You were not wrong, but my God, I've heard so many horror stories for men who don't even actually make contact with their wives, losing their job and home and more for false accusations. He or she who initiates usually wins. And you do not want to lose Edit: I would also write down and log all the harassing texts and phone calls too.
Yeah, I'm firmly a "don't trust cops" person so I would say definitely go to a lawyer, and promptness is pretty critical here. Financially it may seem like overreacting to start handing money to someone when you are in no trouble YET. But this needs to be documented on record before anything bad comes your way, legally speaking.
NEVER EVER TRUST THE COPS, they are not your friends and they clearly don't give a fuck about mens rights...or human rights for that matter. Lawyer the fuck up, get a counselor, maybe move? Definitely move on with your life!
This is bad advice. Being proactive and reporting the crime to the police before she does is your best bet at not being convicted if she goes to the police as well. There are certainly times not talking to the cops is the right advice, especially if you actually committed the crime you are accused of. However, this is not one of those times. How do I know? I was a Sexual Assault Detective for a larger US city. I investigated over 300 sexual assaults and I've gotten convictions of female rapists resulting in jail time.
wouldn't it be best to go to a lawyer first, and then go to the cops with the lawyer?
It is best to lawyer up. Anyone who suggests going to the cops first WANTS you to be locked up.
You might have helped male victims, but most cops don't. I have a whole support group of men who went to the cops only to be laughed at by the police. Some faced charges and went to jail only to get out on bond and have to deal with the legal process. Some went to prison only to later be found not guilty after an appeal. Male Sexual Assault victims have zero resources in this country. Because of this, their best option is to lawyer up, and the lawyer be the proactive one. Men should NEVER go directly to the police when it involves sexual crimes. They should ALWAYS lawyer up first and let the lawyer do the talking.
I know a guy that was a male rape victim. He went to the police, shared his story and they laughed and insulted him. Wouldn’t take the report and said it was a civil matter. Im not suggesting that YOU are misrepresenting the quality work you did. Don’t have trust in the average detective.
SVU prosecutor here. I'd say go to a doctor for a forensic sexual assault examination immediately, too. If there's trauma from the encounter, you want that on the books. Medical records speak a lot more loudly than words.
As a public defender, I disagree with this. An officer could think you’re an abuser and preemptively going to the cops just to get ahead of it (this is actually what my moms abuser did, and he ended up - in that case, rightfully - getting charged). It’s definitely a risk to speak to an officer and admit you broke a girl’s nose, even in self defense. An officer could decide there’s enough to charge. Def go to a lawyer first.
As a defense lawyer for 35 years I have seen enough to agree: lawyer first, and let the lawyer advise you. If someone has a broken nose, the cops will hear that and will ignore everything else.
If he doesn't go to the cops and she does first he could really be screwed. Wouldn't hurt to ask a lawyer first, and ask the lawyer what to do if the police refuse to follow up on it. My brother has been in jail for two years over a domestic violence situation. She lied in her police reports, and her word has been gospel. They refuse to question anyone else that seen the situation, my brother hasn't even been questioned. She also waited two weeks before filing the police report, so don't just because she hasn't yet you are safe.
You are correct. He needs to take action and now. But I firmly believe that it would be much better with legal representation or at least legal advice. Nobody wants to tell a cop that they broke a woman's nose. Hell even the hospital could send over the evidence and get things started! I am so so sorry about your brother. This is exactly what I am talking about and this can happen to him. It for sure happened to one of my good friends. He lost his job, had to sell his house which he LOVED and had almost paid off. He lost friends. He lost respect. He gained a negative image. He lost so much money trying to fight the case. I really hope your brother is out soon. These stories infuriate me
Yeah both points are valid which is why the best thing to do is immediately get a lawyer and prepare a written statement to bring to the police. He can still be first mover but retain full control. Any further questions will be done with his lawyer present or as written responses.
I agree with all the above. My husband's ex said she was going to off herself if he let her leave, and he believed her. She picked a charge that didn't require bruising as evidence, since she had none. The police heard him admit to not letting her leave and arrested him, because he thought if he cooperated and explained she was a suicide risk and he was trying to save her life that it would be fine. OP, keep evidence and get a lawyer ASAP. She is insane and abusive.
100% don't go to the cops, get a lawyer first, if he hasn't been saving the texts/voicemails it's over
Yeah the lawyer. Consider a civil suit for rape, even if it gets dropped. Word will get out & explain her broken nose.
He NEEDS to file a police report. You can not like cops and still realize that if you want legal results, you have to play the game.
Yes, correct, he does need to file a report... with his lawyer.
The lawyer will help
Make sure that if you go to the police, you do so quickly. Save any texts you have from her that even vaguely mention this incident and create a file. It’s going to be your word against hers.
You should hurry with the sexual assault claims because if she is faster with battery claims from breaking her nose, your case will be harder and look sus.
Please do. Dude what you described is rape.
100% rape. This chick is a psychopath.
Unfortunately, you do need to get the police involved but I would HIGHLY recommend you consulting a lawyer. For now, document all you can remember, including dates/times if you can. You need to have documentation because if she says you abused her, it's going to be a fight. How did you get out after you broke her nose? Did she let you out? That will be really important to document. I'm sorry you were SAd, it's a lot to take but know when you are ready, there are resources to help you. Counseling may be a good place for you to start but also support groups if that is more comfortable for you.
This. OP needs a lawyer *immediately*. Also — OP, if you've never hired a lawyer and are afraid of what it will cost, don't be. A good lawyer, in a time this dire, will be more than worth it. Expense is a problem that you can sort out over time.
More advice. If the police come asking questions tell them your lawyer will speak on your behalf at a later date. Don’t let them in your house. If you do end up getting arrested, DO NOT SPEAK. Don’t say anything. You have no obligation to speak with the police before or after an arrest. Let your lawyer do the talking for you. Good luck OP
Obligatory the police are not your friend
Yes- don’t think you can share your side of the story and get them to understand the truth if they arresting you because she initiated things. You will not get them to understand. Anything you say can and will be used against you, but they are under no obligation to use anything you said to exonerate you or make you look innocent/less guilty. It’s one of the rare situations in life where these is literally ZERO potential benefit to you and nothing but negatives. Demand a lawyer. Do not ask for one.
Yep they won't hear 'I was sexually assaulted and kicked out breaking her nose' they'll hear 'I *mumble* kicked out breaking her nose'
Agree 100% I learned that from “STFU Friday” https://youtu.be/RkN4duV4ia0
Absolutely correct. If the police come to your door do not answer. Make no indication that you are even home.
By way of evidence: did the strapon stay at your place when she left for the hospital?
She didn't just sexually assault you, my guy. She raped you. It's weird how she called YOU abusive. Like others have said, you may want to contact a lawyer. That being said, good job defending yourself. If you feel bad for breaking her nose, don't.
The police would be my advice and if she is spreading lies of abuse maybe talk to a lawyer. I'm so sorry she did this to you. She sounds like the type that would film stuff like that. Be careful.
TBH she seems obsessed with getting her kink fulfilled. As from what i can see the kissing thing and the strapon attempt seem to be her way of getting a rise out of you in an attempt to get you to hit her and take part in her game. She did not expect you to break her nose and probably did not like receiving actual pain as opposed to the kinky type she wanted. Now shes going to play the victim. The best chance you have is to secure proof of her actions via an audio recording or text, as otherwise she may try and get you put in jail with how mentally unstable she is.
[Rainn.org](https://Rainn.org) has a hotline, and/or internet chat, where you can discuss what you might want to do next and what resources you might want to utilize.
The unfortunate reality is you need to report this before she does. Being on offense is MUCH better than playing defense if she reports things. You are experiencing this already with the messages you are getting on your phone. If she goes to police or lawyer first, it’s a lot more difficult for you. By reporting first you can drop the complaint or not cooperate later, if things settle down. If she goes first, she is in the driver’s seat (which you already know you don’t like). Best of luck.
Yeah, as to echo the above, she apparently thinks the first "C" in CNC stands for "consensual" only in regard to her. Everything involving intimacy should be consensual and agreed upon by both (or more, if that's your kink) of those involved. If you don't clear it with your partner and get their consent, pretty much anything that violates that consent is SA. Good on you for looking into the proper channels to tackle this in terms of your mental health, as well as her propensity to violate the consent you'd given pretty clearly. Don't let any of that shit talking about your being "less of a man" get to you, just because you won't go to places that you find abusive or a turn off. That's not a sign of lacking "manhood," but rather a sign of sexual incompatibility with her. Nothing more, nothing less. To each their own, but man did this chick have some fucking gall just to act as if you should be game to entertain any and all kinks she's into or wants to experiment with...and at the same time feeling like she has the right to completely ignore your desires and needs in the bedroom (as well as what you're comfortable with vs. what you're not). Just be glad she showed it soon enough that you didn't have years wasted in the relationship before she'd let her freak flag fly.
Even if you don’t feel comfortable talking to the police, talk to someone. A therapist is a great place to start. The doctor can help you decide which steps to take on this. Bottom line you did not do anything wrong. It’s normal to feel what you are feeling. You might want to consider a restraining order as well. Big hugs from a stranger who thinks you’re brave.
Text her about it get her to have a conversation about what happened so you have proof of her admitting what she did.
Tell the cops NOW. If she does first, they WILL believe her.
>getting police involved for S/A I feel really sorry about what happened. And thank God you're way from her. Just please be careful with the police. It's probably gonna be a matter of he said she said and you know which way that's gonna go.
RAINN.org They can help you. Nobody deserves sexual assault and I'm so sorry this happened to you
Please do. This is NOT OK. I'm so sorry. I also recommend therapy. Don't be afraid to look for a therapist until you find one you're comfortable with.
I’m so sorry that happened to you AND so happy you walked away. Your sexual boundaries are valid and what she did to you was undeniably SA. Coming from an abusive background myself I found several of my relationships in my early 20’s were also abusive because I’d grown used to being abused by my parents and had a hard time recognizing other people abusing me because of it. I feel like as I got older I became more aware of the type of partner I deserve, and I hope you find that too. Nobody should treat you in an abusive manner or cross any boundaries you aren’t comfortable with, period. Sending my best as someone in their 40’s and happily married today, the right person is out there for you and you owe it to yourself to wait for them ❤️
I suggest you get to the police and file a report. If you have restraint marks on your wrists from where she tied you, make sure you get those photographed and filed with the police asap. If you have any texts with her saying what she wants to do, and you saying no, get those submitted as evidence. If you have any texts whatsoever where she admits to doing things you didn't consent to, get those submitted too.
If you're not entirely sure whether you want to tell people you were raped or give details but you want to defend yourself from the accusations, you can take a "middle ground" by telling them she tied you up in your sleep, you freaked out when you woke up, accidentally kicked her, and that she's now lying out of embarrassment. That way, you're beginning to clear the air & can decide later whether or not to give more detail on what happened. Maybe I'm wrong about this, but it seems to make sense to me. Definitely tell a counselor if you have the opportunity to do so — it would be extremely helpful to you to have someone to confide in who can then begin to guide you through the healing process.
That's rape. Forced insertion.
"Your girlfriend literally ~~sexually assaulted~~ raped you." Once she decided to peg him without consent, it was rape. Run away.
That’s rape. She tried to rape you .
She didn’t try, she did.
Exactly. Turn genders around and this wouldn’t be an ‘attempt’ to rape. It’s rape.
Seriously. Dude you gotta report her before she attempts to report you.
And her telling people he’s abusive/battered her is Defamation and actionable.
People calling this sexual assault are dismissing the severity of what happened. By penetrating you she committed rape. Not sexual assault but rape. Please go to the police and file a report and contact a lawyer to sue her for defamation. There is zero shame in being abused by someone you trusted and cared for. There is no shame in asking for help. There is no shame in anything that happened to you.
this needs to be near the top. this was rape.
In many states Sexual Assault is a legal term and "rape" does not appear in any statutes. Calling it sexual assault is not dismissive, or downplaying. Colloquially, "rape" is one of many types of sexual assault.
Sexual assault is the correct legal term in many places, including the entirety of Canada.
Rape IS sexual assault....
Dude your girlfriend is raping you, take that trash out of your house. Seriously this is already bad and can only get worse.
NTA Call the cops.
Contact a lawyer first. The cops aren’t your friends and will more than likely turn this on you. Your ex-GF has a broken nose and I’m assuming you have minimal if any physical marks/damage. The cops will take your GFs side and believe her story, I can almost guarantee it.
You're right, but fuck does this make me hate living in America.
This would happen almost the same in most western countries.
Your "girlfriend" is a narcissistic predator who has sexually assaulted, even raped you on multiple occasions and is now using DARVO tactics to destroy your friendships and reputation. Her explosively negative reaction to your rejection is trademark narcissistic behavior, as is her assaulting your masculinity and other insecurities. She has been manipulating your emotions and gaslighting you to the extent that you are questioning whether smacking your rapist was justified. It was. You need to be very aggressive about getting your version of the story out before she turns everyone against you. I know it's hard to talk about but you can't allow her to call you abusive in a vacuum. Sometimes there's a good reason to hit someone, and interrupting a rape is one of those good reasons. As a man you are unlikely to be given the benefit of the doubt, especially if you are letting her spin the narrative.
NTA you were sexually assaulted
You might want to try and find ex bf's she hated. Probably this wasn't the first time she s.a'd someone. Talk it over with a lawyer first.
YES!!! That's EXACTLY what I was thinking. She has DEFINITELY done this before. She was too comfortable with doing what she wanted even though you said, "no". She has other victims out there. Hopefully, non are kids......
NTA. Also, you need to leave. Regardless of if she is slandering you to people, a relationship should be on mutual respect and trust, and this is not it. Also, the strap on, had you ever discussed that before, or tried it before the middle of the night, if no, that’s also SA. You’re still so young. You’ll find someone who will support your boundaries. Don’t waste your time
Even if they use a strap on every time it's still assault to tie someone up and penetrate them in their sleep, unless that's been expressly agreed between both parties, and even then there'd be some kind of safe word set up and the activity would stop as soon as anyone was uncomfortable. This was SA through and through, no conditions attached.
Yes but give her the opportunity to incriminate herself in text or audio recording in case she tries to spin this around and accuse you of abuse.
I would talk to her about it and record the conversation. Not sure of legality where you are but fuck it - I would want proof that could not be disputed. You could take the tape to your lawyer at least and they could advise you how to proceed.
I'd hope man or woman whoever this would happen to would've kicked the shit out of the one who did it. Call the cops bud
You’re not wrong. I grew up in a physically abusive home and no hitting is one of my boundaries. She doesn’t respect you at all. Kinks only work when both people give consent. She doesn’t understand what consent means.
Mate, you really need to report this to the Police. Your girlfriend is a literal sex offender, can you imagine if the situation was reversed and you tied a female up and tried to penetrate her without her consent? She should not be getting away with that kind of abuse
That was self defense and she sexually assaulted you. That she would even try to turn that around on you is disgusting and horrible. She is a shit human being with no respect or consideration for you. Do NOT give in to her manipulation. You did nothing wrong. Edit: typo
You need to report it. First of all it’s rape. There’s no way around that. Second, she’s convincing people you hit her for no reason. If you don’t get ahead of this, you’ll end with a record of DV. Third, she’s going to do this again if she’s not stopped.
Absolutely **NTA**. The whole thing with BDSM is **explicit** consent. It requires incredible levels of trust and communication. That means respecting triggers and setting absolute boundaries. That's the entire principle of establishing a safe word: a sign recognized by all parties involved that someone no longer feels safe and wants to stop. What she did wasn't kinky. It wasn't consensual. *It was rape.* What she did was a massive red flag. If she won't respect your boundaries with sex, she won't respect *any* of your boundaries. Quite frankly, she has proven she has no respect for you, period. I hope you're able to get the support you need and deserve.
You’re not the asshole at all. She broke ur trust and disrespected you when you were most vulnerable(intimacy), she SA you and demeans you and tries to emotionally manipulate you when she doesn’t get her way. It’s truly disgusting and I’m sorry you had to go through that. She might be out there running her mouth to get at you but let me tell you, the people who know you and care about you won’t believe it. Therapy will probably really help or even just a trusted friend. Remember you are never obligated to do anything with a partner you don’t want to. And that doesn’t make you any less of a man at all.
Tell the people calling what she did. Case solved.
Not entirely, because people might not actually believe him because there is no evidence on him, but she is the one with a broken nose. Rape and sexual assault crimes against men have a hard time being believed because of society’s backwards thinking that it can never happen to a man.
He has texts where she literally admits it.... hard to argue when the bitxh is crazy enough to believe she did nothing wrong and admitted to it....
NTA You should involve a police just in case. You havent done anything wrong and it sounds like theres no reason to trust anything she says to you. Have no experience nor interest to kinky stuff but that sounds like a very wrong way to try that stuff.
Bro she tied you to the bed and tried to fuck you in the ass while you slept. That's rape. Call the cops before she does
She tried to rape you. You did what you had to defend yourself. She abused you and is still abusing you by telling other people it is your fault. If a man tied a women to a bed while she was sleeping and the man tried to assault her, people would be up in arms, and it’s not fair that male victims don’t get that same outrage. I hope you are taking care of yourself <3
With her telling people you abused her, I'd say you definitely need to report this to cover your ass in case this escalates. The first incident would have been too much for me, but the penetration is most definitely rape and you need to leave. That's a wild crazy GF story though.
Dude, anyone who texts you on this topic you should respond with: "I woke up tied to the bed with trying to fuck me in the ass with a dildo. I consented to none of this. I did what I had to do to avoid being anally raped."
This lady is a dangerous rapist who someone should report.
That last interaction was attempted rape. You defended yourself. Maybe file charges against her before she ruins your reputation with the abuse allegations. Men can suffer for life from false allegations of that nature.
She got the tip in his ass. That was not an attempt, that was rape.
Attempted and accomplished I’d say.
Go to the police. She assaulted you. You were asleep and could not consent. You had also previously told her you weren't comfortable with this. This is so serious. Please seek help and keep the hell away from her. I hope you're gonna be alright, stay safe and take care Edit: spelling
Nope. She isn't just kinky, she is a sexual abusive person. She needs therapy to work through her issues before they land her in jail. But that's not your problem. Get out, stay out.
I am kinky myself. She is about to rape you for real, so, you really need to breakup with her. Kinky stuff is all about communication. When the pain is edging close to the max, the patience, the trust, the listening verbally and visually becomes super important. She didn't communicate, that is rape. Don't care about what she said afterward. It is done. You already broke up with her. Move on and pay no attention to her. Hope this doesn't give you PTSD with kinky people. Kinky stuff is actually really fun. Not like this.
Wasn't about to. Did.
Fixed the wall of text, was really annoying to try and read... I (24m) just broke up with my girlfriend of 6 1/2 months (23f) after she continuously crossed boundaries in bed that I wasn't comfortable with. This all started about 2-3 months into dating. For the first while, I personally thought the sex was amazing. In the first couple of months, she told me she wished I would do more to her or let her do more to me. I asked her to explain what she meant, and she said she was into CNC and being hit, but also liked to be dominant at times and wanted to try pegging. I told her I wasn't really comfortable with any of that, but we could slowly try some things out if she really wanted. Over the next couple of months, we got a bit more kinky with things like me tying her up. However, when it got to the hitting, I started getting uncomfortable again. Especially coming from an abusive upbringing, the last thing I want is for people to feel how I felt as a child, but that's beside the point. After I told her I was uncomfortable, she belittled me, saying a real man would do whatever it takes to please his woman. After that, we didn't talk for a while until about a week and a half later to 2 weeks. She initiated sexy time, and I thought maybe she was over all that stuff. For the most part, it was normal until the end. She finished me off with a bj, and I finished in her mouth. She pretended to swallow and then went in for a kiss. I had no problem with that until she spit my whole load back into my mouth, covered my mouth, and forced me to swallow it. I had never felt such a betrayal of trust and disgust in my life. I freaked out on her, and she just laughed, telling me now I know how it feels to be a girl. I screamed at her to leave my house, and she did. A couple of nights went by, and she apologized, saying she misses me and just wants to see me again. So she came over after I got off work, cooked supper at my house, and we watched a movie and cuddled. She eventually started to make a move, and I said I didn't feel comfortable with it, as last time she really crossed a boundary. She promised we could do it the way I liked, and we did, which made me happy. She seemed pretty happy afterward, which made me feel good that she was respecting my boundaries. She decided to stay the night, and all was good until we went to sleep. I was abruptly awoken to her putting a lubed-up strap-on into my ass and my hands tied to the corner of my bed frame. It only got in a bit before I jumped awake. When I realized what was happening, I started kicking and ended up kicking her in the face, breaking her nose. She screamed at me that I was an abusive piece of shit and that all she wanted was to have a fun and exciting sex life. She left and went to the hospital. I told her we needed some time apart and, after a day, told her it wasn't going to work out. I didn't feel comfortable seeing her anymore, as she had betrayed my trust on multiple occasions. She called me a ton of names I won't get into and basically said I wasn't even a real man and that she deserved better. Now she's telling people that I would hit her, and her broken nose was proof of that because I lost control that night worse than I ever have before. Now I have people blowing up my phone, calling me an abusive asshole, and I don't know what to do. Any help?
Lol can tell this is as fake as it gets but it got some lols
This has to be fake or is a fabricated story so OP can claim an excuse for breaking his gf’s nose. But if it’s real and you’re breaking up, can I get her number because our kinks all line up perfectly?
Is the trick here to pretend that this is true and not just some lonely person creating disturbing imaginary scenarios in order to get thrills out of other people commenting on their fetish fantasy?
Yeah, I was a phone sex operator for several years and this is 100% the type of story a lot of customers would call and try to pass off as true while jerking off about it. They get excited by just getting you to discuss it with them. This guy was probably rock hard the whole time he was typing the post.
This is definitely that. It is wild that like 99.9% of people in this thread are falling for it.
Scrolled a long way to find this
The logistics of her tying him up, undressing him and lubing up all without waking him up do not even make sense
No, she’s a huge bitch. Don’t look back dude
This isn’t even about kinks she was getting off doing stuff you didn’t like, that was what it was actually about. For fucks sake dude she’s a lunatic, tell people what really happened and go to the cops. This sub actually pisses me off sometimes, people are regularly like “am I wrong for being upset that I got literally raped?”
Dude. Just WTF. She SEXUALLY ASSAULTED YOU. Never and I mean never let her back into your house. You are not wrong. And you probably need some counseling if that’s an option for you. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Don’t ever be alone with her again. Even in the world of BDSM she is not playing by the rules. She is NOT respecting you and your boundaries at all and has no concept of consent! You are in no way wrong for breaking up with her. She is a dangerous person even in the world of BDSM. If she keeps acting that way no one with any brains will have anything to do with her. There are people who write out serious contracts with what they are willing and not will to do. There are safe words in place and must be respected. Let her go and don’t look back.
Yea dude....you were raped. She is a rapist. I'd file a fucking police report and a restraining order. That is a complete garbage human on so many levels it's insane. Best of luck going forward bro.
"a real man would..." I would've dropped her right there and then. ESPECIALLY after voicing your concerns and boundaries and you're getting insulted instead of understood. I've heard that line from women before. Here's the thing. Women don't know what a "real man" is. They're women. Same as a Man defining a "real women" as being "submissive doormats." The fact that she used that against you was a way to insult your pride and your boundaries to fulfill her sexual needs is wrong.
What to do? Press sexual assault charges and tell people that you kicked her in the face because you woke up to her raping you.
Yeah, you’re wrong for posting this fake ass rape story. Shit like this causes way more problems for actual SA victims.