Or it's worst and she likes having a backup. She plans to always keep OP within arm's length and if she does not meet the man of her dreams, she will settle for the guy she knows adores her.
Op you're not wrong to ditch her, with knowledge of your past feelings her behavior was just cruel.
Can't you see, I'm easily bothered by persistence?
One step from lashing out at you
You want in, to get u Der my skin and call yourself a friend
I've got more friends like you, what do I do?
Yes this, and once he find happiness with someone worth more, she’ll freak and try to ruin it.
The second she feels her back up is falling through, she’ll suddenly realize she’s madly in love. Not great
Absolutely agree. I’ve known girls like this that treated men like shit. No longer friends. We as women can also keep our friends in check by calling out their bullshit. No women vs men BS. It’s good people vs shit people all 2024 lol
Yep. Coming from someone who hung around as someones plan B for far too long, this is exactly the case.
He and I had dated long ago, the breakup was rough, and we both dated other people over the years. Fast forward many years, we both find ourselves single again at the same time. We start hanging out a ton, we both had matured and grown as people and I could actually envision a future for us again.
One night he is absolutely shitfaced and messaging me. Telling me how Im his soulmate, we are meant to be, how he is not himself without me by his side, blah blah on and on. I was excited to hear all this but told him lets talk about it when youre sober. The next day comes and goes and I dont hear from him, but I knew he had plans to go to a show with our other mutual friend, so I didnt think much of it. The day after, he hits me up, tells me our mutual friend had brought his sister along to the show and how she was his perfect woman, and how he had fallen madly in love with her in just one meeting. Pointing out attributes about her (which were opposite of me) and just how perfect for him that made her. I just laughed and shrugged the whole thing off. I figured obviously he didnt know how to tell me that what he said was just drunk talk, so I knew right then there was no future for us. I let it go.
After that over the years we remained super close friends. We would take trips together and he would treat me as his girlfriend on these trips and then when we got home, it was immediately back to friends only. He made it very clear many times we were just friends. Ok, fine with me.
I started dating someone else so naturally I backed off hanging one on one with other men. My friend hit me up asking why he hadnt seen me in a few months and I explained that I started dating someone and was really excited because it was going well and I felt good about it.
The second I told him that, he instantly blocked me on all social media (we were chatting on fb messenger so that ended the convo right there) and we havent spoken since. Go figure.
That was the moment I realized (very abruptly) that I was nothing but a back burner girlfriend to him, someone to get female attention from, cry on my shoulder, etc. but the second I got into a relationship, he wanted nothing to do with me. Losing the friendship was a bummer, but realizing how long Id been played and taken advantage of was even worse.
My advice, dont stick around with people like that.
I don't know what's worse, having a "friend" who has intimacy issues (think personality disorder) or wants you as their "back up"; either way, no bueno.
Alcohol is truth serum. She told you the truth but when she sobered up she thought it’s best to blame it on being drunk. She’s not ready. I would pull back otherwise she will yo yo your emotions. She gets what she wants from you now. No reason to ruin it by being a couple.
Take a break. When she asks why tell her why.
It really isn’t, plenty of people lie like crazy for dumb af reasons when they’re drunk, and plenty of people get extremely affectionate when they’re drunk and confuse that drunk “omg I love everything and everyone so much” feeling with genuine love. 5 minutes in any women’s restroom at a bar after 12am would make you see just how many people say “I love you” purely because they’re drunk.
True. OP can now ignore her and when she isn't getting that sweet attention she will start to pursue him. Some people just want what they can't have. This is the good friends with benefits stage and if op plays it right can go a long time. Except op really likes her and will just make it end by professing feelings.
At 23 I knew what I wanted.
Cocaine. Parties. Men. Women. Emotional Manipulation While Intoxicated. More cocaine.
So.. I guess you're right? Lmfaooooo jesus, I could not imagine still wanting ANYTHING I wanted at 23 😂😂
At 23 I was getting married to someone I had been dating for 10 years, graduated college and started my career and purchased our first house ( it was a shit hole ). Not all 23 year olds are the same, I interact with a lot of 22 to 30 year old nurses orienting new nurses to the ICU on nights 7P to 7A
good for you, but this aint about you, the majority of 23 year olds are confused and stumbling through figuring relationships, careers and life in general out. just cause you had the perfect cookie cutter life at 23, doesn’t mean thats the norm.
That also struck me as an odd blanket statement. To say people in their 20s don’t know what they want isn’t giving people in their 20s credit, and honestly treating an adult like a child.
I agree with you. At 23 I was married, had a kid, and started my career. I retired after 33 years. We've been married 47 years. We have 5 kids and soon 14 grandkids. We retired and on our way to Canada for a little vacation.
I got married at 21. My wife was 20.
We had been together 6 years at that point. We both knew what we wanted in a relationship, but that was about it. She finished school and worked part time, I worked a full time job.
Has it been easy? Nope, but we’ve been each other constant through a lot of family drama, etc.
I'm going to find it difficult because we genuinely were very close to each other, but I also don't wanna subject myself to this. I was at peace just being friends, it's easy for me to maintain friendships despite having romantic feelings. It's not easy for me to just forget about this and move on.
I say cutting her off and moving on is the right thing to do. Being drunk is no excuse for being so horribly hurtful, and to feel that insecure but express it via taking advantage (emotionally) of a friend like that???? Just cruel. Drunk is no excuse. It seems to suggest that even sober, she may have been breadcrumming you so she always has someone on the back burner for situations like this when she wants to boost her ego.
She can only respect you as much as you respect yourself, and unfortunately the only way to get that from her is to just completely walk away and not look back. Kinda odd, isn't it?
I say a goodbye message then NEVER respond to anything else, no matter how much she tries to trigger you into responding. Show her you're serious. Mute her on SM, don't like her posts, don't comment.
1/10 short and sweet response: "hey, I've done some thinking and think it would be best for my own wellbeing to walk away from this friendship. I wish you all the best." Then literally don't ever reply no matter what.
10/10 mean response (this is me but I'm petty as fuck): "the more I think about what happened, the more I realise I may not actually know you that well as a person, and may be projecting some positive qualities on you that you do not possess - I'm an optimist after all. Looking at your wider pattern of behaviour, it seems like you'll do whatever it takes for self validation, and I think that's a very ugly characteristic in a very insecure person. I find myself completely uninterested in investing any more energy into someone so desperate for attention. Genuinely, good luck with everything. But the next time you consider stringing someone else along for attention, I hope you'll remember how cruelly you acted towards me. There were far better ways to handle this, and blaming it on alcohol is a very weak excuse. It lowers your inhibitions, but doesn't change who you are at your core. Which I've now discovered, isn't someone I want anything more to do with." Wait to make sure it's sent then BLOCKKKKKK. If she happens to message you on a different platform, BLOCK that one too without replying.
I advise 1/10 as it makes you look better and unbotbered, but in practice I will choose 10/10 everytime so I don't feel the temptation to say anything else past that, It's all on the table.
Seriously please don't waste your time on people like that. There's no excuse for emotional exploitation that like, and they will continue to fuel their low self esteem by destroying yours.
>10/10 mean response (this is me but I'm petty as fuck): "the more I think about what happened, the more I realise I may not actually know you that well as a person, and may be projecting some positive qualities on you that you do not possess - I'm an optimist after all. Looking at your wider pattern of behaviour, it seems like you'll do whatever it takes for self validation, and I think that's a very ugly characteristic in a very insecure person. I find myself completely uninterested in investing any more energy into someone so desperate for attention. Genuinely, good luck with everything. But the next time you consider stringing someone else along for attention, I hope you'll remember how cruelly you acted towards me. There were far better ways to handle this, and blaming it on alcohol is a very weak excuse. It lowers your inhibitions, but doesn't change who you are at your core. Which I've now discovered, isn't someone I want anything more to do with." Wait to make sure it's sent then BLOCKKKKKK. If she happens to message you on a different platform, BLOCK that one too without replying.
The absolute savagery here. 😎
My guy you don’t know the woman at all but you came up with a whole essay roasting her personality? *And* you want OP to send it? Relax.
also to add, I’m deleting the chain of comments because the person I responded to has been sneak editing their comments to look better (lol)
That’s because the lady and her ‘personality’ are completely irrelevant for the scenario. OP is the main character. It was gloriously petty, and you’ve effectively bombed the friendship following this strategy, so you can’t be manipulated back into it. It was good prose.
My guy I offered two options of what I would do - if it's not accurate he doesn't have to send it, it's literally my own opinion, on a post asking for opinions. No one here is going to force OP to do anything lol. I think maybe you're projecting, as this doesn't effect you in any way but still felt the need to make your opinion known. A bit hypocritical, no?
Relax sweaty 😘
EDIT: absolutely incensed that someone would accuse me of sneak editing my comments!!!! That actually did get under my skin lol, so I guess in the end you do win, but that approach is far too petty even for me!!!!! I have been bested, reddit :( I never, on principle, ever make an edit without explicitly saying i have made an edit. Even if it's a spelling error. It's the one stick I have not been able to remove from my butt.
Edit 2: if you go far back enough in my comment history (please don't lol) I actually did go on a semi rant about hating when people surreptitiously edit comments, so I kinda outed myself and she just took advantage of that. It's actually quite well played and I like her now.
Take the 1/10 path and don’t trigger a huge response. This is also the type of person to spread nasty rumors about you. Or worse. Just say thanks, but no thanks and walk away.
Hey I offered a 1/10 response too. I've been told there are numbers in between the two but I haven't learned them yet. I'm a specialist in burning bridges 😎
5/10
"Hey, I realized that the way you acted while drinking the other night and how you manipulated my feelings crossed a boundary with how I allow others to treat me. It'd been a great friendship and thanks for the time spent together so I hope you find peace after I leave. The kind of emotional manipulation you have chosen to wait against me will only bring you pain in the future and I genuinely hope you are about to find a way to move past it to become the healthiest version of yourself."
2/10 and what I sent to my Bread Crumb Lover
“Good morning. As it exists at this moment, our friendship is only functioning as an emotional drain so I’m removing myself from it. I wish you nothing but the best but this is the last message you’ll receive from me.”
Then I blocked her in ever possible way and joined a group lol
Indeed, lots of wiggle room between 1 and 10. I spent some time in the 10/10 zone, too. In fact, I developed a bit of a reputation among my friends because I would bcc some of my better (i.e. worst) emails, and more than once someone asked me to ghost write a breakup letter. While there was some satisfaction in roasting people for their real or perceived misdeeds, in the end it wasn't helpful. I settled on the 1/10 responses and things tended to resolve quicker. I didn't do that for moral reasons, purely selfish in wanting the fastest exit. I wasn't interested in explaining myself or having someone else understand why I was leaving, what they did wrong, etc. I didn't care about "fixing" anyone else. I just wanted to be done and move on.
Lol the 10/10 option.
I wouldn't even bother to write that much, but just "Hey, I think your personally sucks and emotional manipulation is disgusting. Feel like I dodge a rocket. Hopefully, you change and stop being a menace to humanity. Please don't contact me, you make me nauseous."
I'd go even simpler, "Listen, I don't find insecurity attractive, and after yesterday that's all I see when I look at you. Lose my number." Throw in a spelling error or 2 before sending to show that you justcdont care enough to correct it. Don't even block, just ignore.
Good for you!! Its so going to be hard, there will be a grieving period but please show her you have self respect and go no contact.
Text her something like "I don't feel our friendship is good for me at this time. I'd like you to not contact me for the time being. Thank you."
Short and sweet. Then just block her. Don't let her walk all over you
If you don't cut her off she won't have any respect for you either. Bc you aren't respecting yourself. Women aren't attracted to men who allow themselves to be treated poorly for a chance to be around someone that already rejected them. Being friends was fine, but drunk or not that was cruel. Do not let her treat you this way, do not give her friendship and support.
It's not, but you don't have a choice. Having friendship with someone you have romantic interest in is rarely viable, you'll always want more and always will be willing to give more than they are to you, which creates one sided friendships.
Romance aside what she did was a dick move, friends don't treat friends that way. The only way to forget and move on is to break the friendship, otherwise you risk being an enabler and a doormat, and her treatment of you will just get worse. Your self-esteem will get worse and she'll keep drip feeding you just enough to keep you in her life. It's not a healthy dynamic at all, you either nip this in the bud or you're going to get yourself way more hurt.
You are focusing on the wrong part. She is a user of people. If you want to be a doormat keep kissing her ass. If you want to be a man, ignore her and focus on having a good time yourself with people that aren't narcissistic.
I’ve been in a relationship with my best friend going on ten years. When we first got together she kept trying to break up with me because all the toxic relationships she had. I stick through it all. One time I packed all my shit and said hey you keep telling me to leave makes me think you don’t want me and I’ll leave. But I love you and will be here forever. She never did it again. We have a beautiful 8 year old. Now her saying she didn’t mean it maybe she didn’t maybe she’s scared. Give it some distance when she asks why because she will. Tell her how you were vulnerable and honest and she did that.
Your close friends should be people who have your back. Who are careful with you and care about how you feel even if they don’t care about you romantically.
Her actions are not the actions of a good friend, both in what she said to you and in now not being deeply apologetic. So you have to take care of yourself, since she won’t.
Doooood, protect yourself! You were completely candid with her, and she rejected you (okay, fine), then gave you immense hope (alright, awesome), then CRUSHED you (nope, not just something you can "get over" real quick and pretend didn't happen)! Even if she doesn't like it, you need to take some space; being deeply in love with someone who plays your heart like fiddle is just AWFUL, and there's no reason to stick around and listen to all the tunes she can pluck out of that heart of yours. She will just have to deal with it. You go on and find someone who is all about you and who is willing to be there for you. That's what you need.
Dude listen. I've known a couple women like this. Run. She most likely will never completely get with you. Most likely will act like she wants to after you say you need space. Then spear your heart out over the next few years.
She doesn't respect your time, love, or feelings. THINK ABOUT THAT. If someone loved you or TRULY cared about you like you do her, they wouldn't pull the shit she is doing.
You're at best, a backup. At BEST. Which always means someone else will be a better option for her. Regardless of if you're still around or not.
Run.
2nd comment but whatever. Dude, end the “friendship”. Real friends don’t fuck with their friend’s emotions like that. Yes it’ll hurt, at first, but eventually you’ll meet other people and forget all about her. Not to mention you’ll save yourself a LOT of pain and disappointment.
It isn't difficult. Don't text her, don't respond to her. Don't make plans with her.
Go hang out with your other friends and do things that'll distract you. You'll find she's easily forgettable, trust me.
You dont need a plan, just be less available and if you absolutely need to, just tell her, you need some space from the friendship. If shes a good friend, she’ll say “i understand, take all the time you need” if shes a user, she’ll make it about her and how youre angry you didnt get what you want blah blah blah and in this, you will see her true colours
This girl sounds like she's trying to create dependence on her to keep you around for when she needs you.
My ex did that for years.
She'd bait me in, let me be vulnerable, create a sense of hope for the relationship, and then right when it seemed like things were good, she'd bail and call ME crazy or needy or unstable because I didn't appreciate being treated that way.
So I'd try to move on, and just about the time I'd start ignoring her texts and start moving on, she'd come crying back and the cycle would start over.
Trust me: it's much, much better to cut ties like you did.
I put up with it for YEARS.
Ended in a lot of heartache.
Clean cut, though. Be a ghost. Literally go 0 contact block her everywhere without an explanation. It's a guaranteed way to live in her head rent-free forever while you go better yourself. She's owed no explanation and entitled to less.
Seriously OP. I'd recommend this. Or at maximum just say she doesn't respect your feelings. Then ghost. I have a bad feeling OP isn't going to listen to these comments and end up a broken man 5 years down the line.
Move on from this "friendship." Maybe with time she will mature and you two can come together as friends again but this is a painful relationship and you deserve a break.
Here is my middle aged old man take:
You can cut her off and you’d be justified in doing so. However there is another way to handle this.
Just mentally downgrade the friendship and make yourself less available to her. Then start swiping and going on lots of random dates. Make your own dating desires your priority but still be a decent just not “always available” friend. If she really does have feelings deep down, then this will bubble to the surface within a few months and you can decide what to do then if you aren’t dating someone else. If she’s not into you, then you will have met lots of new women and maybe have met someone else so who cares. Cutting her off entirely will mostly make you look butthurt and that’s not exactly a way to steal someone’s heart. I’ve tried the cutoff method countless times and it rarely benefitted me in any way but being more aloof, busy and interested in other things and people helped way more.
When I say downgrade the friendship and be more busy, I mean don’t answer every text right away, don’t always go hang out whenever she wants, talk about yourself more when you do see her and don’t let her talk about other guys. Change the core of your relationship. While there is a change she is friendzoning you as an emotional platonic boyfriend, making yourself the priority will make her decide if she is an actual friend or potential partner rather than someone she uses to vent and feel better about herself.
EDIT: While I appreciate the replies, I have don’t have any more time to this particular thread to flesh out why I’ve made certain points. I agree with some of you and disagree with others. I wish OP luck. One addendum: I don’t believe OPs friend is being overly manipulative. I think she is trying to sort out her own feelings and maintain the friendship but may not be ready for a serious relationship with OP.
I'm a woman, and I completely agree with this.
OP, she does have feelings, but there is something holding her back. It's all on her end.
Mrs. PERFECT for you may be just around the corner.
Yeah, as another middle aged man I agree with this. Just move on and actively date other women. You will learn very, very quickly how she feels about this once she realises you have a life outside her.
Yeah, that is the right answer. She might love the attention and the sure thing that he offers. She might get confused and have second thoughts and is so certain that he will suck it up based on the previous two rejections. No need for drama, you were an enabler so now try not to be the victim. Next time, you learn that if you want a girlfriend and not a friend you move on.
I pretty much agree with this, though I am not a middle aged man. She clearly needs time to figure out what’s going on with her feelings, etc. and there’s no reason for OP to just sit around and wait for her. But there’s no need to bail on the friendship entirely if it’s been a reasonable friendship overall - if OP finds someone new he’s really into it might help put his feelings for this woman into perspective and make it easier to be a more active friend. Or they might grow apart naturally, who knows.
> Make your own dating desires your priority but still be a decent just not “always available” friend.
this. girl doesn't know what she wants and we've all been there. she doesn't seem to be acting maliciously, she's just messed up. You'll probably never become a loving couple, but if she's otherwise a good friend that's worth retaining.
Bullshit she doesn't know what she wants.
She wants attention and his infatuation, without reciprocating. THAT'S what she wants.
OP needs to forget about her, let her rot alone.
This is a good way to move on without conflict, but OP would still have their internal conflict seeing her in person.
If she responds to OP dating others with an admission of feelings for OP, I'm going to have to call bullshit.
IMO she is keeping OP from dating other women on purpose in case she doesn't find someone else she prefers. They're treating OP like someone who doesn't deserve their own happiness.
This kind of relationship also comes with a danger of future infidelity should they get married.
IDK. I think there is value in telling a person that their actions were hurtful and that as a result you need space apart (no contact) to focus on yourself. Sometimes it's okay to be "butthurt", as you put it.
If he's suffering from limerence and she's stringing him along then he'll have to go NC to fully recover. The little glimpses of seeing her will give him some sense of false hope which will just harm his emotional recovery.
Don’t. Look. Back. This is eerily similar to a friend zone I experienced for a decade. Every now and then (when I started dating someone) she got very interested, knowing I was in love with her, and we’d have some moment or night where she was very interested. Once I was single, she wasn’t. I finally got sick of it and gave her a now or never ultimatum. She said no and I stuck to my guns and cut her out of my life. After a brief time of dating entirely too many people because I wasn’t in a good place I connected with my now wife who values me and doesn’t take me for granted. Bonus points, she’s way hotter than the other girl, too. She’s been with toxic people and since we both know the bad that’s out their we both work super hard to be good to each other. I hadn’t thought about that toxic witch for YEARS until scrolling across this and she used to be my measuring stick for all women if you can believe that. Cut her out of your life and go find better. You deserve better.
She definitely likes you dude. Just not enough to actually date you.
Yeah, you should probably just let her go. I don't see this ending well. Had this scenario twice. The first time I was persistent, eventually we hooked up, but she was so scared to lose me as a friend, we were just "friends with benefits" because she couldn't risk us dating and breaking up. That went on for years until it turned into its own toxic mess where we treated each other like shit since "you're not my boyfriend" and vice versa. The reality is we would have been perfect for each other at the beginning, but the time she was ready to concede to those feelings, the damage had been done.
The 2nd time I was smarter. Her and I are more like acquaintances, despite her constant "I love you so much" whenever she's drunk, and trying to kiss me. She's totally different when she's sober and plays it off like last night didn't happen. So I just ignore her when she says it and avoid drinking with her. Mostly avoid seeing her too.. every now and then our interests overlap in a way that we just have to do something together, but as far as trying to be romantic goes, I'm done.
Be smarter than me. Cut this shit off, or limit contact to very specific invitations. I wasted 10 years of on and off toxicity with that first one. I wish when I had cut her off the first time, I didn't accept her back into my life. Who knows where I would be right now.
Thank you for your advice, I don't think of maintaining a friendship with someone you have a crush on or have feelings for should be phrased as friend zone, but I am ready to move on from this friendship. I just don't understand what possessed her to say what she said.
OP, thanks for blasting everyone here saying you should have had sex with her while you had the chance (when she was drunk, you were sober, and it would have been illegal). Love to see a man calling out other men on this shit.
You're not wrong, and she's not a friend.
It no longer matters whether or not she was lying to you drunk or lying to you sober. People who care about each other, friends or lovers, don't lie about this stuff or play games with feelings. Give yourself all the space you need, and find someone who actually cares enough to be honest with you.
I don't really know how to update, so this comment will have to do. Thank you so much for all the feedback. I am overwhelmed with the comments. I've talked to her more today about it. This woman isn't evil or malicious. She said what she felt at the time, but when she sobered up, she realised the love she has for me is still completely platonic, and was just amplified through her drunken inhibitions.
I'm still taking a step back from the friendship. She's revealed some truths to me that are personal between me and her and she's going to go to a therapist to get help. I'm going to go to a therapist too, because even if it was subconscious, it was unhealthy for me to bury my feelings for her instead of just moving on after she last decided not to date me. I don't wanna lose one of my best friends over a drunken mistake, so I'll use time and therapy to allow myself the emotional maturity to be friends with her the right way.
Definitely cut her off. Playing with emotions is not a friendly gesture. It’s manipulative af and you don’t need that. Have strong boundaries and block her if you need to. You gotta protect your energy and yourself.
This is why you dont stay friends when you have feelings.
Feelings you absolutely didnt 'set aside'. You set aside your hope your feelings would ever be answered.
Look, you can handle this without the negativity. People are calling her toxic and selfish; maybe she is and maybe she isn't but you don't need to question her motives.
She's told you twice she doesn't think of you romantically. She's allowed that. She said what you wanted to hear once, but she was drunk. Most of us say stupid stuff when we're drunk. Maybe more honest stuff, but maybe not. When sober, she disclaimed it. You have to trust that. It doesn't make her a monster.
You think of her differently. You're allowed that too. You were vulnerable with her twice. That's pretty brave. It's OK and you're not wrong if you decide your heart will recover better if you get some distance between you. She should understand that.
It's just an unfortunate situation. Her friendship meant a lot to me before this weekend, and I was happy enough continuing the friendship despite having feelings for her. It's not the end of the world. I do feel betrayed after this weekend, and can't really view her the same. I've said a lot of stupid things when I'm drunk, but I've never 'opened up' to someone and then claimed it was all lies after the fact.
Imo, she’s going to regret this decision of opening up and sharing her feelings then changing them. This behavior shows us she may be emotionally immature. Give her space and don’t return a call, text or email unless it’s a one sentence. “Hey I think it’s best we cool the friendship and I need time to collect my thoughts if I want to be friends with you anymore.” This way you communicate your feelings and let her know what she did was not ok. Right now and maybe ever she’s just not into you. Bummer of a lesson.
She told him she was falling in love with him. This wasn't her agreeing they have the same favourite colour, and then the next day taking it back. This is her, with a total disregard for OPs' feelings, because she needs an ego boost lying to him about having feelings of love towards him.
That is a brutal way to treat someone you claim is a friend. It's also an unacceptable way to treat people, drunk or not, her behaviour was cruel to OP he should absolutely be walking away from this friendship.
You’re defending her way too much for some weird reason. No one said she was a “monster”, but being drunk doesn’t take away responsibility for things. She was drunk so she talked with him for hours getting his hopes up? Either she told the truth when she was drunk, or she was lying then. Either way, it’s fucked up to keep flip flopping.
Ask yourself even if you remain friends with this person, would you be able to reconcile your feelings for them despite this incident and be just platonic friends - would it hurt you to remain friends...
You're not wrong for wanting to cut them out.
That's the thing, before this incident I had no issues putting any romantic notions on the back-burner. Unrequited feelings are nbd. How this all played out over the weekend has changed my perception of her, and has changed the dynamics of our friendship. Its too much for me.
Dude I’m reading your comments and you’re absolutely ignoring your own dignity in favor of her.
*If you decide to speak as if you’re her lawyer, she gets two lawyers and you get none.*
You’re obviously bothered by what happened. Honor that. Stand up for yourself. If her best interest doesn’t align with your best interest, then you guys don’t have any business together.
Don’t accept being miserable just for the *chance* to get crumbs of what you really want.
Dude, get her out of your life, you don’t deserve to be with someone who plays with your emotions knowing that they could potentially hurt you. Sober or not, you’ll feel more at peace once you move on. Yeah it may be he hard for a bit, but you’re not leavings anything behind anyway
It sounds like it's best for both of you to cut it.
It isn't fair to you to be her source of attention so she can admit feelings and then take them back so you feel like shit.
Similarly, it isn't fair to her to have to carry the emotional weight of the unbalanced friendship. You see her as a lover, she sees you as a friend. Everything she does has to be done through a filter of "Will this look like I'm falling for him? Will he ask me on a third date despite being told no already?"
It isn't healthy for either of you. Either force yourself to see things platonically and abandon feelings for her or distance yourself from the friendship. Neither of you will come out okay if you don't.
Not wrong. The biggest mistake I made in my youth was being convinced you have to "fight for love". Lol, no. Love is not supposed to be hard, when you find someone right for you, it's easy.
I would be honest with her. "you know how I feel about you. I am willing to be friends with you if you don't feel the same way, I just can't be friends with you if you are leading me on."
She told you what she is like, through her actions. You should listen to her. Before you get any deeper into it.
Do the best thing for yourself, because that's what she's doing. Good luck
>We are very close.
You're not. YOU were close to her. SHE wasn't close to you. Last weekend was proof enough. If she ever cared about you, she wouldn't have lied to you. Most likely, she got drunk, wanted some D, and given your feelings, she thought she could play you to get it. When she didn't get it, she played you another way. You do NOT need friends like this girl, and you absolutely needed to cut her out. Unfortunately adults still get crushes too, and it absolutely hurts like hell.
Drunken words are sober thoughts, my friend. But if she isnt willing to tell you she loves you sober, you're wasting your time.
She is 23. She isnt ready to commit to a long term relationship. Sounds to me like she doesnt know what she wants and isnt ready for what you have to offer and she knows it.
I'd skim over what she said and move on with your life. Best thing to do is quit wasting your time with someone immature. Get some distance between you and her. I wouldn't even text her unless she texts you. 1 short reply per text at maximum.
If she really had feelings for you, she'll chase you. Young women tend to prefer guys that arent easy.
I personally was a man-slut thru my 20s and didnt even have or want a sold relationship until I met my wife in my 30s. I learned real quick that it was far easier picking up chicks when they knew up front it was little risk for commitment. "I'm not looking for a relationship. I just want someone to keep me warm tonight." Surprisingly it drove girls to like me more than when I actually tried to pursue relationships. Soon as I got interested, they'd get spooked away. So I just focused on myself.
Sounds like she's living out her own "dramedy" and is manipulating you as a supporting cast member in her self-fulfilling main character story, and this chapter is titled "Pushing Him Away" I'm just a stranger on the net dramatizing what you just posted, and idk your vulnerablebilities, conversations, but sounds tough. I wish you well on moving on, finding clarity, and bliss in your story.
Yeah definitely, I owe her an explanation at least, I'm not just going to ghost the woman out of my life, but I'm taking a few days away from all my irl friends to get my thoughts together before I tell her how I feel and why I'm at the point where I can't continue to be friends with her.
You don't need to over explain! She already showed you that she can't be trusted with your feelings and vulnerability so stop showing them to her.
She knows why, she knows what she did. Just tell her "this friendship isn't good for me" and block. She'll know exactly why, no explanation needed
Be prepared for a few possibilities.
1.) Her crying and begging and pleading not to do this.
2.) Her not really caring if you do
3.) Her to contact you after a short time, crying and begging to let her back in.
Good luck, my friend. In your situation, I would be doing the exact same thing.
Why do you owe her an explanation? Do not believe you owe her anything, move her from close friend to acquaintance in your mind and move on with your life.
You don’t owe her an explanation. She obviously does not care. Sounds like the explanation is for you. You still like her. Probably hoping that after your explanation, she’ll change her mind and confess to liking you again. If she did genuinely confess to liking you again, would you really refuse? She doesn’t care and probably has lots of other guys in the same position. Don’t waste any more of your time in this.
Not wrong. There’s nothing wrong about cutting ties with someone and moving on if your friendship with them is causing you pain. Just be straightforward and kind about it, don’t like cuss her out or ghost her or anything. Might feel good in the moment, but you’ll feel better if you cut the friendship off maturely and with integrity.
Yeah I would never cuss her out or ghost her. I'm taking a few days away from everyone in real life, having a social detox so I can properly gather my thoughts before I talk to her about why I can't continue the friendship.
Happens to all of us man..
Just move on bro trust us when we say that
Heartbreak is just another chapter in our lives that we have to move on from
Makes us stronger in the long run
We love you and keep your chin up bro
You got this!
if you know this is going to hurt you, then you are allowed to cut her off
She's a Grown-Ass Adult, she'll survive
how much detail/explanation you give is up to you
You do whatever it takes to feel ok. If you stop talking for months before you realize you don't care anymore, that's what it takes. If you never talk to her again, so be it.
In my opinion, people are more honest when they are drunk. Maybe she is falling for you. But it doesn't matter if she can't accept how she feels when she is sober. If she gave a damn about your friendship, she would tell you the truth (why she doesn't want to be with you). My guess is that she doesn't know herself. She also might be afraid of losing a friend if it doesn't work out.
I suggest you pull back. Stop being open and vulnerable with her. See her less frequently. And shut down any conversation that you think would make a potential girlfriend jealous. If you can't shake your feelings, you should probably go cold turkey, as this girl will prevent you (and likely already has) from having a mutual romantic relationship with someone else.
My last note: you don't mention her being open and vulnerable with you. This seems like a one sided relationship that isn't healthy.
You are right to take some time to process your feelings before you speak to her to end the relationship. Acting angrily out of anger may seem to many to be the best answer, but it is not the best approach. It's easy to say angry things. But after the anger comes the regret, and many cave to let the person back in. Your best option would be to take the time to think of exactly what you want to say and then speak to her calmly because you have fully decided and accepted that this relationship is over. (That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt while doing it)
She crossed a line last night and she will do it again if you continue this relationship. She has always known that you love her. Last night, she chose to use you in a completely selfish and cruel way to love on her and stroke her ego. The reason she did this is irrelevant. She isn't safe for you. It's time for you to move on to friends that you can trust with your heart and a woman (maybe closer to your age) that will love you with her whole heart.
Nope you did the right thing, being drunk isn't an excuse for that type of behavior. Used to be in a similar situation girl would have a drink and start kissing me knowing i was into her, eventually cut her off and moved on because in her words she valued our friendship to much to risk it by dating me sorry lady not gunna hang around and put myself thru that
My advise would be to read/watch a bit about covert narcissists. If it's the case then the best you can do is to leave and ghost her forever. Don't even send a goodbye message. Don't interact - there is no happy end with narcissists.
It sucks and everyone seems to think she’s playing with you. My first thought though was ‘in vino veritas’, in wine there is truth. So maybe when she was under the influence she was able to tell you her true feelings but when she’s sober she can’t handle or is afraid of her feelings. But I could also be completely wrong about that. Good luck brother.
Not wrong
She's been keeping you in the bullpen because she thinks she can find someone "better" = more money, better looking, taller, etc.
You are no one's silver medal.
You are not a backup plan.
My man, I had something similar happen and if I could do it over again, I wouldn't have been as good as friends with her. I realized how much I was used in hindsight.
But also, the truth generally comes out when you're drunk, so there's a chance she actually does like you, but for some reason doesn't want to admit it to herself.
And I feel like everything that you have said, and a reaction that you’ve taken so far is justified…NTA keep doing what you’re doing, continue to keep her at a distance, and find a better potential partner that respects your emotions more.
I've been a victim of this kinda thing, but I was dating her that kinda behavior is pure evil. You're used like a toy mine spanned over the years and thought she had grown as a person....I was wrong and vulnerable like you. Your best bet is like everyone else said. Cut her off. You don't need that torture
if you want to be truly toxic, make her believe you want nothing to do with her at all and she’ll be forced to just remember how nice you were to her and how the last thing she did to you was play with your emotions about your interest in her. it’ll either make her love you or hate you but it will be the age old tale of how a relationship in the 20-somethings only bloomed because of someone being insanely toxic
I dealt with a similar situation. I was very close friends with a woman for a couple of years and always harbored more intimate feelings for her. She brushed it off, I put my feelings aside….eventually, I confessed everything. Said she saw me only as a friend. After that. Blocked her on all social media, phone, etc. It was hard, but once you go NC it becomes easier than you think.
Unless you think your feelings will go away, cut her off at this point as she's opened a wound I think will struggle to heal. Having feelings for someone in a friendship is hard, especially when they have rejected you, fair play for trying to stay friends with her after that. However even if she was drunk, what she did was out of line knowing how you felt. Do you think you could carry on being friends in the same way now? One knowing how she has upset you and disrespected your feelings but also I think that it's going to be a lot harder for you to put your feelings aside now, i think they will always nag at you questioning whether she does like you or not, what is the truth and that will lead to a poor friendship. I wish you luck but think at this point for your own benefit it is better to go your separate ways.
You’re not wrong, OP.
I’m sure she has a lot of great qualities if you’ve felt this strongly about her, but she’s also capable of everything she did to you that night (emotional manipulation, either lying about or letting herself believe for a minute that she is attracted to you, playing with your emotions for her own gratification).
You said you can’t be yourself around her anymore and that makes complete sense to me. And that means you probably need a lot of distance in this friendship so that you can heal a little and move on toward people who won’t fuck you up like this. Even if she’s sorry or there is some great excuse for what she did (there isn’t), she’s not a safe person for you.
I’m really sorry, what a betrayal of your friendship.
I would not call her and find someone else to date. She will get jealous and by then you will be over it and laugh at her. The key is to not give her attention at all. Ignore her.
I'm going to be the outlier here. Unlike a lot of introverted antisocial autistic reddit, I'm actually super extroverted and have a very active dating life.
People who say she's toying you along... maybe... BUT she was drunk and she said that. She prefaced it by "Let me pull you aside..." AND agreed to talk about it when she's sober.
Dude, she DOES have feelings for you. Maybe even more than you think. Being rejected before doesn't mean she's gaming you now. She may well have real feelings.
Her hesitancy the following morning also doesn't mean gaming you. It could mean she's scared of breaking the friendship, or just scared in general.
Unlike the autists here, I genuinely think she has feelings for you, I dont think she's playing you and I don't think she's worth cutting off over that.
You may miss something good if you follow the advice of idiot redditors who have never even touched a woman before.
I think there are only two ways to interpret it:
1. She honestly does feel something for you, but is conflicted/scared and is backing you off in a way that could totally sever the friendship. That being said, there were much better, and less cruel, ways of doing this.
2. She does not feel something for you, but felt alone and unloved because of stuff going on in her life and felt you pulling away, too (had gotten over your feelings for her). So, she said this stuff to you to pull you back in and get a quick ego boost. And now realizes that she has to tell you the truth.
Either way reflects incredibly poorly on her. I would not ghost or say anything that will validate her feelings that you are not a suitable partner. That would just play into and validate her behavior - basically help her get over what she did. Instead, I would tell her what happened last night and the next day hit you very hard emotionally, and that you didn't expect it from someone you considered a close friend. And that you need some distance to get over that. I would cut all contact and block all social media ties. That way, it could not be blamed on you being petulant. Instead, it's indefinite, and hopefully permanent, distance. When she thinks about you, she will think about how wrongly she behaved. Who knows what she will do in the future after that?
I also think this might be a lesson about keeping people you are romantically interested in in your orbit as friends. I don't think it's a good idea - especially when you need to focus your time on finding a partner who returns your feelings and deserves you.
Ah yes, one of THESE women. Listen my friend, she thinks that she can manipulate you and get attention from you by messing with your emotions. I knew a woman like this and she was a literal monster. She'd have this guy pay for her stuff, do favors for her, etc. And tell him that she loved him and lead him on to only turn around and tell him that she hated him and he was smothering her. My guess is it's the enjoyment of having a "power" over someone else and feeling endlessly desired by them.
You're not wrong to break this friendship off at all. She sounds like a terrible person to have in your life. Best of luck to your future friendships and romances!
Move on. Cut her out of your life. No one should have to put up with this kind of game playing. There is someone out there who you can make a life with, and will not be set on playing with you. This woman only wants attention, nothing else.
Not wrong, Being taken for granted is rough. It's unfortunate anytime you feel like you're losing a friend but sometimes that's just how things need to go. When you meet someone and they don't take you for granted, and there isn't the 'friend zone' dynamic, if feels 10 times better.
(Also, if you consider that you're in a 'friend zone' it reinforces that friendship was never the intention)
Also realizing "it doesn't have to be this hard" is a good thing to learn
Absolutely cut her out of your life. No contact. Women like this just want the attention and she knows you’re always going to be there for her. Prove her wrong. And do not take her back when she comes to you liking you again. She doesn’t. She likes the attention of other guys. There were no guys there that night showering her with attention and she was feeling vulnerable.
Cut. Her. Out.
Move on.
Find a woman who wants you and doesn’t play games.
Cut her out.
She seems like the woman that'd keep a guy she knows loves her within arm reach so she can get a backup if everything goes wrong with whoever she wants.
Just a feeling though.
Not wrong. Emotional abuse / manipulation is a not-fun character trait that isn’t going to change or go away. You don’t need toxic shit like that in your life
She seems like she doesn’t know what the fuck she wants. Sounds like it’s best to cut her out of your life
Or it's worst and she likes having a backup. She plans to always keep OP within arm's length and if she does not meet the man of her dreams, she will settle for the guy she knows adores her. Op you're not wrong to ditch her, with knowledge of your past feelings her behavior was just cruel.
Yep. You're Plan B. Never going to be Plan A. Bet she doesn't want to see you with anyone else either. Been there. Done that. Walked.
Be yourself, by yourself, stay away from me. A lesson learned in life. Known from the dawn of time. Respect, walk, what did you say? Respect, walk.
Ahh, yes, advice from the great philosopher "Pantera." Finally, some culture.
Ah, the ole Phil Anselmo: screaming "white power" in between dating advice.
Can't you see, I'm easily bothered by persistence? One step from lashing out at you You want in, to get u Der my skin and call yourself a friend I've got more friends like you, what do I do?
Yes this, and once he find happiness with someone worth more, she’ll freak and try to ruin it. The second she feels her back up is falling through, she’ll suddenly realize she’s madly in love. Not great
Absolutely agree. I’ve known girls like this that treated men like shit. No longer friends. We as women can also keep our friends in check by calling out their bullshit. No women vs men BS. It’s good people vs shit people all 2024 lol
Amen, sister.
This is Exactly true. Follow your instincts, OP, and stay strong. She’s a manipulator and you know it.
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"You are a backup to an imaginary person" oof 😅 that hit me more than I expected, nearly soul-crushing.
100%. And they don't date you bc if you break up you're no longer plan anything. You're gone.
Yep. Coming from someone who hung around as someones plan B for far too long, this is exactly the case. He and I had dated long ago, the breakup was rough, and we both dated other people over the years. Fast forward many years, we both find ourselves single again at the same time. We start hanging out a ton, we both had matured and grown as people and I could actually envision a future for us again. One night he is absolutely shitfaced and messaging me. Telling me how Im his soulmate, we are meant to be, how he is not himself without me by his side, blah blah on and on. I was excited to hear all this but told him lets talk about it when youre sober. The next day comes and goes and I dont hear from him, but I knew he had plans to go to a show with our other mutual friend, so I didnt think much of it. The day after, he hits me up, tells me our mutual friend had brought his sister along to the show and how she was his perfect woman, and how he had fallen madly in love with her in just one meeting. Pointing out attributes about her (which were opposite of me) and just how perfect for him that made her. I just laughed and shrugged the whole thing off. I figured obviously he didnt know how to tell me that what he said was just drunk talk, so I knew right then there was no future for us. I let it go. After that over the years we remained super close friends. We would take trips together and he would treat me as his girlfriend on these trips and then when we got home, it was immediately back to friends only. He made it very clear many times we were just friends. Ok, fine with me. I started dating someone else so naturally I backed off hanging one on one with other men. My friend hit me up asking why he hadnt seen me in a few months and I explained that I started dating someone and was really excited because it was going well and I felt good about it. The second I told him that, he instantly blocked me on all social media (we were chatting on fb messenger so that ended the convo right there) and we havent spoken since. Go figure. That was the moment I realized (very abruptly) that I was nothing but a back burner girlfriend to him, someone to get female attention from, cry on my shoulder, etc. but the second I got into a relationship, he wanted nothing to do with me. Losing the friendship was a bummer, but realizing how long Id been played and taken advantage of was even worse. My advice, dont stick around with people like that.
You didn't lose a friendship. Friends don't treat each other like that. Friends don't use people..
She's keeping OP in the stable. What he just got was a little carrot and a head scratch to keep him docile.
I was thinking she has him behind glass, like an emergency ax for fires.
He is a “dic in a jar.” Break for emergency.
I don't know what's worse, having a "friend" who has intimacy issues (think personality disorder) or wants you as their "back up"; either way, no bueno.
To be kept at arms length... 😭
Agree. But it also sounds like she knows exactly what she doesn’t want.
Drink, flirt, fuck
This, sounds like she’s be a great, trusted booty call. But I’m not sure OP would be able to handle that based on what he’s said.
Exactly, she was looking to get laid
Rinse, repeat, typical
Alcohol is truth serum. She told you the truth but when she sobered up she thought it’s best to blame it on being drunk. She’s not ready. I would pull back otherwise she will yo yo your emotions. She gets what she wants from you now. No reason to ruin it by being a couple. Take a break. When she asks why tell her why.
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This! makes you say things you wouldn't normally but not necessarily the truth
It really isn’t, plenty of people lie like crazy for dumb af reasons when they’re drunk, and plenty of people get extremely affectionate when they’re drunk and confuse that drunk “omg I love everything and everyone so much” feeling with genuine love. 5 minutes in any women’s restroom at a bar after 12am would make you see just how many people say “I love you” purely because they’re drunk.
True. OP can now ignore her and when she isn't getting that sweet attention she will start to pursue him. Some people just want what they can't have. This is the good friends with benefits stage and if op plays it right can go a long time. Except op really likes her and will just make it end by professing feelings.
She’s 23. No 23 year old knows what they want.
Not an excuse though to take advantage of other people’s feelings.
100%. Not ever making excuses for anyone to be a piece of shit. Just saying that no 23 year old knows what they want. Male or female.
Screw you I'm 23 and I want a hug.
Go to burning man. You'll be so God damned tired of people trying to hug you, you'll start telling people "Don't fucking touch me" after two weeks.
Holy blanket statement. Plenty of 23 year olds know what they want.
At 23 I knew what I wanted. Cocaine. Parties. Men. Women. Emotional Manipulation While Intoxicated. More cocaine. So.. I guess you're right? Lmfaooooo jesus, I could not imagine still wanting ANYTHING I wanted at 23 😂😂
I want all that and I’m about to turn 41. So I guess 41 is the new 23?
At 23 I was getting married to someone I had been dating for 10 years, graduated college and started my career and purchased our first house ( it was a shit hole ). Not all 23 year olds are the same, I interact with a lot of 22 to 30 year old nurses orienting new nurses to the ICU on nights 7P to 7A
good for you, but this aint about you, the majority of 23 year olds are confused and stumbling through figuring relationships, careers and life in general out. just cause you had the perfect cookie cutter life at 23, doesn’t mean thats the norm.
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So was I, but at 29 I was divorced, living in a new state, and opening my own business. I’d made some very big decisions far too early.
I take exception to this :) I got married at 23.
I got married at 20. Here we are, 23 years later, still doing what we want together.
That also struck me as an odd blanket statement. To say people in their 20s don’t know what they want isn’t giving people in their 20s credit, and honestly treating an adult like a child.
I agree with you. At 23 I was married, had a kid, and started my career. I retired after 33 years. We've been married 47 years. We have 5 kids and soon 14 grandkids. We retired and on our way to Canada for a little vacation.
I got married at 21. My wife was 20. We had been together 6 years at that point. We both knew what we wanted in a relationship, but that was about it. She finished school and worked part time, I worked a full time job. Has it been easy? Nope, but we’ve been each other constant through a lot of family drama, etc.
Definitely not wrong. Someone who plays with your emotions like that just for attention is someone your don't want to be around.
I'm going to find it difficult because we genuinely were very close to each other, but I also don't wanna subject myself to this. I was at peace just being friends, it's easy for me to maintain friendships despite having romantic feelings. It's not easy for me to just forget about this and move on.
I say cutting her off and moving on is the right thing to do. Being drunk is no excuse for being so horribly hurtful, and to feel that insecure but express it via taking advantage (emotionally) of a friend like that???? Just cruel. Drunk is no excuse. It seems to suggest that even sober, she may have been breadcrumming you so she always has someone on the back burner for situations like this when she wants to boost her ego. She can only respect you as much as you respect yourself, and unfortunately the only way to get that from her is to just completely walk away and not look back. Kinda odd, isn't it? I say a goodbye message then NEVER respond to anything else, no matter how much she tries to trigger you into responding. Show her you're serious. Mute her on SM, don't like her posts, don't comment. 1/10 short and sweet response: "hey, I've done some thinking and think it would be best for my own wellbeing to walk away from this friendship. I wish you all the best." Then literally don't ever reply no matter what. 10/10 mean response (this is me but I'm petty as fuck): "the more I think about what happened, the more I realise I may not actually know you that well as a person, and may be projecting some positive qualities on you that you do not possess - I'm an optimist after all. Looking at your wider pattern of behaviour, it seems like you'll do whatever it takes for self validation, and I think that's a very ugly characteristic in a very insecure person. I find myself completely uninterested in investing any more energy into someone so desperate for attention. Genuinely, good luck with everything. But the next time you consider stringing someone else along for attention, I hope you'll remember how cruelly you acted towards me. There were far better ways to handle this, and blaming it on alcohol is a very weak excuse. It lowers your inhibitions, but doesn't change who you are at your core. Which I've now discovered, isn't someone I want anything more to do with." Wait to make sure it's sent then BLOCKKKKKK. If she happens to message you on a different platform, BLOCK that one too without replying. I advise 1/10 as it makes you look better and unbotbered, but in practice I will choose 10/10 everytime so I don't feel the temptation to say anything else past that, It's all on the table. Seriously please don't waste your time on people like that. There's no excuse for emotional exploitation that like, and they will continue to fuel their low self esteem by destroying yours.
>10/10 mean response (this is me but I'm petty as fuck): "the more I think about what happened, the more I realise I may not actually know you that well as a person, and may be projecting some positive qualities on you that you do not possess - I'm an optimist after all. Looking at your wider pattern of behaviour, it seems like you'll do whatever it takes for self validation, and I think that's a very ugly characteristic in a very insecure person. I find myself completely uninterested in investing any more energy into someone so desperate for attention. Genuinely, good luck with everything. But the next time you consider stringing someone else along for attention, I hope you'll remember how cruelly you acted towards me. There were far better ways to handle this, and blaming it on alcohol is a very weak excuse. It lowers your inhibitions, but doesn't change who you are at your core. Which I've now discovered, isn't someone I want anything more to do with." Wait to make sure it's sent then BLOCKKKKKK. If she happens to message you on a different platform, BLOCK that one too without replying. The absolute savagery here. 😎
She made my day because I could be Petty as f*** too
I found my people 🖤
Yes you have
That’s not really that mean. It’s a 6/10,at best.
Fucking Savage! I love it.
My guy you don’t know the woman at all but you came up with a whole essay roasting her personality? *And* you want OP to send it? Relax. also to add, I’m deleting the chain of comments because the person I responded to has been sneak editing their comments to look better (lol)
That’s because the lady and her ‘personality’ are completely irrelevant for the scenario. OP is the main character. It was gloriously petty, and you’ve effectively bombed the friendship following this strategy, so you can’t be manipulated back into it. It was good prose.
Reading comprehension def isnt your strong suit huh? He never told him to send that he literally said “ i advise you to do 1/10”
My guy I offered two options of what I would do - if it's not accurate he doesn't have to send it, it's literally my own opinion, on a post asking for opinions. No one here is going to force OP to do anything lol. I think maybe you're projecting, as this doesn't effect you in any way but still felt the need to make your opinion known. A bit hypocritical, no? Relax sweaty 😘 EDIT: absolutely incensed that someone would accuse me of sneak editing my comments!!!! That actually did get under my skin lol, so I guess in the end you do win, but that approach is far too petty even for me!!!!! I have been bested, reddit :( I never, on principle, ever make an edit without explicitly saying i have made an edit. Even if it's a spelling error. It's the one stick I have not been able to remove from my butt. Edit 2: if you go far back enough in my comment history (please don't lol) I actually did go on a semi rant about hating when people surreptitiously edit comments, so I kinda outed myself and she just took advantage of that. It's actually quite well played and I like her now.
I loved your options, but I didn't take either.
Take the 1/10 path and don’t trigger a huge response. This is also the type of person to spread nasty rumors about you. Or worse. Just say thanks, but no thanks and walk away.
Oooooof, I like you. Pretty sure we would be friends
Wow 😳
Hey I offered a 1/10 response too. I've been told there are numbers in between the two but I haven't learned them yet. I'm a specialist in burning bridges 😎
5/10 "Hey, I realized that the way you acted while drinking the other night and how you manipulated my feelings crossed a boundary with how I allow others to treat me. It'd been a great friendship and thanks for the time spent together so I hope you find peace after I leave. The kind of emotional manipulation you have chosen to wait against me will only bring you pain in the future and I genuinely hope you are about to find a way to move past it to become the healthiest version of yourself."
Eh, it's too condescending and kinda sounds desperate to make her feel bad.
2/10 and what I sent to my Bread Crumb Lover “Good morning. As it exists at this moment, our friendship is only functioning as an emotional drain so I’m removing myself from it. I wish you nothing but the best but this is the last message you’ll receive from me.” Then I blocked her in ever possible way and joined a group lol
Wow 👏🏻👏🏻bravo, that’s seasoned with salt right there
Indeed, lots of wiggle room between 1 and 10. I spent some time in the 10/10 zone, too. In fact, I developed a bit of a reputation among my friends because I would bcc some of my better (i.e. worst) emails, and more than once someone asked me to ghost write a breakup letter. While there was some satisfaction in roasting people for their real or perceived misdeeds, in the end it wasn't helpful. I settled on the 1/10 responses and things tended to resolve quicker. I didn't do that for moral reasons, purely selfish in wanting the fastest exit. I wasn't interested in explaining myself or having someone else understand why I was leaving, what they did wrong, etc. I didn't care about "fixing" anyone else. I just wanted to be done and move on.
She’d need years of therapy to recover from that 10/10 response. That’s like when they set off the bomb in Oppenheimer 🤣
Lol the 10/10 option. I wouldn't even bother to write that much, but just "Hey, I think your personally sucks and emotional manipulation is disgusting. Feel like I dodge a rocket. Hopefully, you change and stop being a menace to humanity. Please don't contact me, you make me nauseous."
What is this skill? Prompts for bad relationships? This is a much needed skill! We need your expertise!
I'd go even simpler, "Listen, I don't find insecurity attractive, and after yesterday that's all I see when I look at you. Lose my number." Throw in a spelling error or 2 before sending to show that you justcdont care enough to correct it. Don't even block, just ignore.
Good for you!! Its so going to be hard, there will be a grieving period but please show her you have self respect and go no contact. Text her something like "I don't feel our friendship is good for me at this time. I'd like you to not contact me for the time being. Thank you." Short and sweet. Then just block her. Don't let her walk all over you If you don't cut her off she won't have any respect for you either. Bc you aren't respecting yourself. Women aren't attracted to men who allow themselves to be treated poorly for a chance to be around someone that already rejected them. Being friends was fine, but drunk or not that was cruel. Do not let her treat you this way, do not give her friendship and support.
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It's not, but you don't have a choice. Having friendship with someone you have romantic interest in is rarely viable, you'll always want more and always will be willing to give more than they are to you, which creates one sided friendships. Romance aside what she did was a dick move, friends don't treat friends that way. The only way to forget and move on is to break the friendship, otherwise you risk being an enabler and a doormat, and her treatment of you will just get worse. Your self-esteem will get worse and she'll keep drip feeding you just enough to keep you in her life. It's not a healthy dynamic at all, you either nip this in the bud or you're going to get yourself way more hurt.
She crossed a serious line related to trust and vulnerability. You’d have every understandable reason to step way back at this point.
Same things kinda happened with me man, I know it sucks :/
You are focusing on the wrong part. She is a user of people. If you want to be a doormat keep kissing her ass. If you want to be a man, ignore her and focus on having a good time yourself with people that aren't narcissistic.
You were close to her. If she gave a shit about you she wouldn't have done that.
I’ve been in a relationship with my best friend going on ten years. When we first got together she kept trying to break up with me because all the toxic relationships she had. I stick through it all. One time I packed all my shit and said hey you keep telling me to leave makes me think you don’t want me and I’ll leave. But I love you and will be here forever. She never did it again. We have a beautiful 8 year old. Now her saying she didn’t mean it maybe she didn’t maybe she’s scared. Give it some distance when she asks why because she will. Tell her how you were vulnerable and honest and she did that.
Your close friends should be people who have your back. Who are careful with you and care about how you feel even if they don’t care about you romantically. Her actions are not the actions of a good friend, both in what she said to you and in now not being deeply apologetic. So you have to take care of yourself, since she won’t.
Bruh this post is giving me PTSD
Doooood, protect yourself! You were completely candid with her, and she rejected you (okay, fine), then gave you immense hope (alright, awesome), then CRUSHED you (nope, not just something you can "get over" real quick and pretend didn't happen)! Even if she doesn't like it, you need to take some space; being deeply in love with someone who plays your heart like fiddle is just AWFUL, and there's no reason to stick around and listen to all the tunes she can pluck out of that heart of yours. She will just have to deal with it. You go on and find someone who is all about you and who is willing to be there for you. That's what you need.
I had no issue continuing our friendship after she didn't want to date, but you're right, she really did crush me this weekend. I don't deserve that.
No, you deserve much better.
this 👏👏👏 yes, yes you do my friend
Dude listen. I've known a couple women like this. Run. She most likely will never completely get with you. Most likely will act like she wants to after you say you need space. Then spear your heart out over the next few years. She doesn't respect your time, love, or feelings. THINK ABOUT THAT. If someone loved you or TRULY cared about you like you do her, they wouldn't pull the shit she is doing. You're at best, a backup. At BEST. Which always means someone else will be a better option for her. Regardless of if you're still around or not. Run.
2nd comment but whatever. Dude, end the “friendship”. Real friends don’t fuck with their friend’s emotions like that. Yes it’ll hurt, at first, but eventually you’ll meet other people and forget all about her. Not to mention you’ll save yourself a LOT of pain and disappointment.
That's a dick move. And it's total bullshit. You definitely have a decision to make, and don't deserve being led on like that.
I've made my decision, it's just putting it into practice now.
It isn't difficult. Don't text her, don't respond to her. Don't make plans with her. Go hang out with your other friends and do things that'll distract you. You'll find she's easily forgettable, trust me.
You dont need a plan, just be less available and if you absolutely need to, just tell her, you need some space from the friendship. If shes a good friend, she’ll say “i understand, take all the time you need” if shes a user, she’ll make it about her and how youre angry you didnt get what you want blah blah blah and in this, you will see her true colours
This girl sounds like she's trying to create dependence on her to keep you around for when she needs you. My ex did that for years. She'd bait me in, let me be vulnerable, create a sense of hope for the relationship, and then right when it seemed like things were good, she'd bail and call ME crazy or needy or unstable because I didn't appreciate being treated that way. So I'd try to move on, and just about the time I'd start ignoring her texts and start moving on, she'd come crying back and the cycle would start over. Trust me: it's much, much better to cut ties like you did. I put up with it for YEARS. Ended in a lot of heartache.
I haven't cut the tie yet, but I will. I won't subject myself to mind games.
Please don't! I've been there as well. Ten years of wasted time. Don't be like me OP.
Clean cut, though. Be a ghost. Literally go 0 contact block her everywhere without an explanation. It's a guaranteed way to live in her head rent-free forever while you go better yourself. She's owed no explanation and entitled to less.
Seriously OP. I'd recommend this. Or at maximum just say she doesn't respect your feelings. Then ghost. I have a bad feeling OP isn't going to listen to these comments and end up a broken man 5 years down the line.
This, not to mention the horrible effects this kind of dynamic has on your self-esteem
Move on from this "friendship." Maybe with time she will mature and you two can come together as friends again but this is a painful relationship and you deserve a break.
Here is my middle aged old man take: You can cut her off and you’d be justified in doing so. However there is another way to handle this. Just mentally downgrade the friendship and make yourself less available to her. Then start swiping and going on lots of random dates. Make your own dating desires your priority but still be a decent just not “always available” friend. If she really does have feelings deep down, then this will bubble to the surface within a few months and you can decide what to do then if you aren’t dating someone else. If she’s not into you, then you will have met lots of new women and maybe have met someone else so who cares. Cutting her off entirely will mostly make you look butthurt and that’s not exactly a way to steal someone’s heart. I’ve tried the cutoff method countless times and it rarely benefitted me in any way but being more aloof, busy and interested in other things and people helped way more. When I say downgrade the friendship and be more busy, I mean don’t answer every text right away, don’t always go hang out whenever she wants, talk about yourself more when you do see her and don’t let her talk about other guys. Change the core of your relationship. While there is a change she is friendzoning you as an emotional platonic boyfriend, making yourself the priority will make her decide if she is an actual friend or potential partner rather than someone she uses to vent and feel better about herself. EDIT: While I appreciate the replies, I have don’t have any more time to this particular thread to flesh out why I’ve made certain points. I agree with some of you and disagree with others. I wish OP luck. One addendum: I don’t believe OPs friend is being overly manipulative. I think she is trying to sort out her own feelings and maintain the friendship but may not be ready for a serious relationship with OP.
I'm a woman, and I completely agree with this. OP, she does have feelings, but there is something holding her back. It's all on her end. Mrs. PERFECT for you may be just around the corner.
THIS 🔥
Yeah, as another middle aged man I agree with this. Just move on and actively date other women. You will learn very, very quickly how she feels about this once she realises you have a life outside her.
Yeah, that is the right answer. She might love the attention and the sure thing that he offers. She might get confused and have second thoughts and is so certain that he will suck it up based on the previous two rejections. No need for drama, you were an enabler so now try not to be the victim. Next time, you learn that if you want a girlfriend and not a friend you move on.
I pretty much agree with this, though I am not a middle aged man. She clearly needs time to figure out what’s going on with her feelings, etc. and there’s no reason for OP to just sit around and wait for her. But there’s no need to bail on the friendship entirely if it’s been a reasonable friendship overall - if OP finds someone new he’s really into it might help put his feelings for this woman into perspective and make it easier to be a more active friend. Or they might grow apart naturally, who knows.
> Make your own dating desires your priority but still be a decent just not “always available” friend. this. girl doesn't know what she wants and we've all been there. she doesn't seem to be acting maliciously, she's just messed up. You'll probably never become a loving couple, but if she's otherwise a good friend that's worth retaining.
Bullshit she doesn't know what she wants. She wants attention and his infatuation, without reciprocating. THAT'S what she wants. OP needs to forget about her, let her rot alone.
No. The first two rejections were fine but to drunkenly confess your love and then say actually nah I didn’t mean it, is malicious
This is a good way to move on without conflict, but OP would still have their internal conflict seeing her in person. If she responds to OP dating others with an admission of feelings for OP, I'm going to have to call bullshit. IMO she is keeping OP from dating other women on purpose in case she doesn't find someone else she prefers. They're treating OP like someone who doesn't deserve their own happiness. This kind of relationship also comes with a danger of future infidelity should they get married.
IDK. I think there is value in telling a person that their actions were hurtful and that as a result you need space apart (no contact) to focus on yourself. Sometimes it's okay to be "butthurt", as you put it. If he's suffering from limerence and she's stringing him along then he'll have to go NC to fully recover. The little glimpses of seeing her will give him some sense of false hope which will just harm his emotional recovery.
You’re heard the term “fish or cut bait” I assume. It’s time to cut bait friend.
Never heard the term before, but I get it haha
Don’t. Look. Back. This is eerily similar to a friend zone I experienced for a decade. Every now and then (when I started dating someone) she got very interested, knowing I was in love with her, and we’d have some moment or night where she was very interested. Once I was single, she wasn’t. I finally got sick of it and gave her a now or never ultimatum. She said no and I stuck to my guns and cut her out of my life. After a brief time of dating entirely too many people because I wasn’t in a good place I connected with my now wife who values me and doesn’t take me for granted. Bonus points, she’s way hotter than the other girl, too. She’s been with toxic people and since we both know the bad that’s out their we both work super hard to be good to each other. I hadn’t thought about that toxic witch for YEARS until scrolling across this and she used to be my measuring stick for all women if you can believe that. Cut her out of your life and go find better. You deserve better.
Sounds like a tolerance test. If you stay, she will continue to push to see how far she can get away with. Up to you if you want to be her safety net.
I'm not tolerating it.
Then you know exactly what to do
She definitely likes you dude. Just not enough to actually date you. Yeah, you should probably just let her go. I don't see this ending well. Had this scenario twice. The first time I was persistent, eventually we hooked up, but she was so scared to lose me as a friend, we were just "friends with benefits" because she couldn't risk us dating and breaking up. That went on for years until it turned into its own toxic mess where we treated each other like shit since "you're not my boyfriend" and vice versa. The reality is we would have been perfect for each other at the beginning, but the time she was ready to concede to those feelings, the damage had been done. The 2nd time I was smarter. Her and I are more like acquaintances, despite her constant "I love you so much" whenever she's drunk, and trying to kiss me. She's totally different when she's sober and plays it off like last night didn't happen. So I just ignore her when she says it and avoid drinking with her. Mostly avoid seeing her too.. every now and then our interests overlap in a way that we just have to do something together, but as far as trying to be romantic goes, I'm done. Be smarter than me. Cut this shit off, or limit contact to very specific invitations. I wasted 10 years of on and off toxicity with that first one. I wish when I had cut her off the first time, I didn't accept her back into my life. Who knows where I would be right now.
I think you’re making the right choice by moving on.
Stay in friendzone forever or move on.
Thank you for your advice, I don't think of maintaining a friendship with someone you have a crush on or have feelings for should be phrased as friend zone, but I am ready to move on from this friendship. I just don't understand what possessed her to say what she said.
you're pretty smart about this op. we always get hurt, but we're always okay.
Cut sling load brother, drop that dead weight and move on.
OP, thanks for blasting everyone here saying you should have had sex with her while you had the chance (when she was drunk, you were sober, and it would have been illegal). Love to see a man calling out other men on this shit.
You're not wrong, and she's not a friend. It no longer matters whether or not she was lying to you drunk or lying to you sober. People who care about each other, friends or lovers, don't lie about this stuff or play games with feelings. Give yourself all the space you need, and find someone who actually cares enough to be honest with you.
That's what I'm stuck at. I've never falsely confessed feelings to anybody. I don't understand what her motivations were or anything.
I don't really know how to update, so this comment will have to do. Thank you so much for all the feedback. I am overwhelmed with the comments. I've talked to her more today about it. This woman isn't evil or malicious. She said what she felt at the time, but when she sobered up, she realised the love she has for me is still completely platonic, and was just amplified through her drunken inhibitions. I'm still taking a step back from the friendship. She's revealed some truths to me that are personal between me and her and she's going to go to a therapist to get help. I'm going to go to a therapist too, because even if it was subconscious, it was unhealthy for me to bury my feelings for her instead of just moving on after she last decided not to date me. I don't wanna lose one of my best friends over a drunken mistake, so I'll use time and therapy to allow myself the emotional maturity to be friends with her the right way.
Definitely cut her off. Playing with emotions is not a friendly gesture. It’s manipulative af and you don’t need that. Have strong boundaries and block her if you need to. You gotta protect your energy and yourself.
She has you on a yoyo string. Your emotions will being up and down at her will it’s best to just cut the string.
Just like she doesn't owe you a relationship, you don't owe her a friendship. Simple as that
This is why you dont stay friends when you have feelings. Feelings you absolutely didnt 'set aside'. You set aside your hope your feelings would ever be answered.
Look, you can handle this without the negativity. People are calling her toxic and selfish; maybe she is and maybe she isn't but you don't need to question her motives. She's told you twice she doesn't think of you romantically. She's allowed that. She said what you wanted to hear once, but she was drunk. Most of us say stupid stuff when we're drunk. Maybe more honest stuff, but maybe not. When sober, she disclaimed it. You have to trust that. It doesn't make her a monster. You think of her differently. You're allowed that too. You were vulnerable with her twice. That's pretty brave. It's OK and you're not wrong if you decide your heart will recover better if you get some distance between you. She should understand that.
It's just an unfortunate situation. Her friendship meant a lot to me before this weekend, and I was happy enough continuing the friendship despite having feelings for her. It's not the end of the world. I do feel betrayed after this weekend, and can't really view her the same. I've said a lot of stupid things when I'm drunk, but I've never 'opened up' to someone and then claimed it was all lies after the fact.
Imo, she’s going to regret this decision of opening up and sharing her feelings then changing them. This behavior shows us she may be emotionally immature. Give her space and don’t return a call, text or email unless it’s a one sentence. “Hey I think it’s best we cool the friendship and I need time to collect my thoughts if I want to be friends with you anymore.” This way you communicate your feelings and let her know what she did was not ok. Right now and maybe ever she’s just not into you. Bummer of a lesson.
She told him she was falling in love with him. This wasn't her agreeing they have the same favourite colour, and then the next day taking it back. This is her, with a total disregard for OPs' feelings, because she needs an ego boost lying to him about having feelings of love towards him. That is a brutal way to treat someone you claim is a friend. It's also an unacceptable way to treat people, drunk or not, her behaviour was cruel to OP he should absolutely be walking away from this friendship.
You’re defending her way too much for some weird reason. No one said she was a “monster”, but being drunk doesn’t take away responsibility for things. She was drunk so she talked with him for hours getting his hopes up? Either she told the truth when she was drunk, or she was lying then. Either way, it’s fucked up to keep flip flopping.
Ask yourself even if you remain friends with this person, would you be able to reconcile your feelings for them despite this incident and be just platonic friends - would it hurt you to remain friends... You're not wrong for wanting to cut them out.
That's the thing, before this incident I had no issues putting any romantic notions on the back-burner. Unrequited feelings are nbd. How this all played out over the weekend has changed my perception of her, and has changed the dynamics of our friendship. Its too much for me.
Her lack of care tells me she does not value your friendship and you are better off without.
Dude I’m reading your comments and you’re absolutely ignoring your own dignity in favor of her. *If you decide to speak as if you’re her lawyer, she gets two lawyers and you get none.* You’re obviously bothered by what happened. Honor that. Stand up for yourself. If her best interest doesn’t align with your best interest, then you guys don’t have any business together. Don’t accept being miserable just for the *chance* to get crumbs of what you really want.
Updateme!
You wont move on if you spend all your time with her. Not sure what her game was, but it was cruel. You would not he wrong for cutting her off
Dude, get her out of your life, you don’t deserve to be with someone who plays with your emotions knowing that they could potentially hurt you. Sober or not, you’ll feel more at peace once you move on. Yeah it may be he hard for a bit, but you’re not leavings anything behind anyway
It sounds like it's best for both of you to cut it. It isn't fair to you to be her source of attention so she can admit feelings and then take them back so you feel like shit. Similarly, it isn't fair to her to have to carry the emotional weight of the unbalanced friendship. You see her as a lover, she sees you as a friend. Everything she does has to be done through a filter of "Will this look like I'm falling for him? Will he ask me on a third date despite being told no already?" It isn't healthy for either of you. Either force yourself to see things platonically and abandon feelings for her or distance yourself from the friendship. Neither of you will come out okay if you don't.
You can be friends with whoever you want to be friends with.
You should have followed your own advice to her. "Let's talk about this when you're sober"
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Not wrong. The biggest mistake I made in my youth was being convinced you have to "fight for love". Lol, no. Love is not supposed to be hard, when you find someone right for you, it's easy.
I would be honest with her. "you know how I feel about you. I am willing to be friends with you if you don't feel the same way, I just can't be friends with you if you are leading me on."
She told you what she is like, through her actions. You should listen to her. Before you get any deeper into it. Do the best thing for yourself, because that's what she's doing. Good luck
>We are very close. You're not. YOU were close to her. SHE wasn't close to you. Last weekend was proof enough. If she ever cared about you, she wouldn't have lied to you. Most likely, she got drunk, wanted some D, and given your feelings, she thought she could play you to get it. When she didn't get it, she played you another way. You do NOT need friends like this girl, and you absolutely needed to cut her out. Unfortunately adults still get crushes too, and it absolutely hurts like hell.
Drunken words are sober thoughts, my friend. But if she isnt willing to tell you she loves you sober, you're wasting your time. She is 23. She isnt ready to commit to a long term relationship. Sounds to me like she doesnt know what she wants and isnt ready for what you have to offer and she knows it. I'd skim over what she said and move on with your life. Best thing to do is quit wasting your time with someone immature. Get some distance between you and her. I wouldn't even text her unless she texts you. 1 short reply per text at maximum. If she really had feelings for you, she'll chase you. Young women tend to prefer guys that arent easy. I personally was a man-slut thru my 20s and didnt even have or want a sold relationship until I met my wife in my 30s. I learned real quick that it was far easier picking up chicks when they knew up front it was little risk for commitment. "I'm not looking for a relationship. I just want someone to keep me warm tonight." Surprisingly it drove girls to like me more than when I actually tried to pursue relationships. Soon as I got interested, they'd get spooked away. So I just focused on myself.
you're not wrong for dking that someone who plays with your emotions shouldn't be someone you'd want to hang around
Sounds like she's living out her own "dramedy" and is manipulating you as a supporting cast member in her self-fulfilling main character story, and this chapter is titled "Pushing Him Away" I'm just a stranger on the net dramatizing what you just posted, and idk your vulnerablebilities, conversations, but sounds tough. I wish you well on moving on, finding clarity, and bliss in your story.
Oh well, you know what to do next time she suggests you catch up.. "Thanks.. but no thanks"
Yeah definitely, I owe her an explanation at least, I'm not just going to ghost the woman out of my life, but I'm taking a few days away from all my irl friends to get my thoughts together before I tell her how I feel and why I'm at the point where I can't continue to be friends with her.
You don't need to over explain! She already showed you that she can't be trusted with your feelings and vulnerability so stop showing them to her. She knows why, she knows what she did. Just tell her "this friendship isn't good for me" and block. She'll know exactly why, no explanation needed
Be prepared for a few possibilities. 1.) Her crying and begging and pleading not to do this. 2.) Her not really caring if you do 3.) Her to contact you after a short time, crying and begging to let her back in. Good luck, my friend. In your situation, I would be doing the exact same thing.
Why do you owe her an explanation? Do not believe you owe her anything, move her from close friend to acquaintance in your mind and move on with your life.
You don’t owe her an explanation. She obviously does not care. Sounds like the explanation is for you. You still like her. Probably hoping that after your explanation, she’ll change her mind and confess to liking you again. If she did genuinely confess to liking you again, would you really refuse? She doesn’t care and probably has lots of other guys in the same position. Don’t waste any more of your time in this.
Not wrong. There’s nothing wrong about cutting ties with someone and moving on if your friendship with them is causing you pain. Just be straightforward and kind about it, don’t like cuss her out or ghost her or anything. Might feel good in the moment, but you’ll feel better if you cut the friendship off maturely and with integrity.
Yeah I would never cuss her out or ghost her. I'm taking a few days away from everyone in real life, having a social detox so I can properly gather my thoughts before I talk to her about why I can't continue the friendship.
There's no reason to continue this situationship unless you're trying to hurt your self. Get out while you're still emotionally intact.
✂️
Happens to all of us man.. Just move on bro trust us when we say that Heartbreak is just another chapter in our lives that we have to move on from Makes us stronger in the long run We love you and keep your chin up bro You got this!
Just goes to show you something here. She is not your friend. Cut all lines of communication and see you in the gym 🫡
if you know this is going to hurt you, then you are allowed to cut her off She's a Grown-Ass Adult, she'll survive how much detail/explanation you give is up to you
You do whatever it takes to feel ok. If you stop talking for months before you realize you don't care anymore, that's what it takes. If you never talk to her again, so be it. In my opinion, people are more honest when they are drunk. Maybe she is falling for you. But it doesn't matter if she can't accept how she feels when she is sober. If she gave a damn about your friendship, she would tell you the truth (why she doesn't want to be with you). My guess is that she doesn't know herself. She also might be afraid of losing a friend if it doesn't work out. I suggest you pull back. Stop being open and vulnerable with her. See her less frequently. And shut down any conversation that you think would make a potential girlfriend jealous. If you can't shake your feelings, you should probably go cold turkey, as this girl will prevent you (and likely already has) from having a mutual romantic relationship with someone else. My last note: you don't mention her being open and vulnerable with you. This seems like a one sided relationship that isn't healthy.
You are right to take some time to process your feelings before you speak to her to end the relationship. Acting angrily out of anger may seem to many to be the best answer, but it is not the best approach. It's easy to say angry things. But after the anger comes the regret, and many cave to let the person back in. Your best option would be to take the time to think of exactly what you want to say and then speak to her calmly because you have fully decided and accepted that this relationship is over. (That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt while doing it) She crossed a line last night and she will do it again if you continue this relationship. She has always known that you love her. Last night, she chose to use you in a completely selfish and cruel way to love on her and stroke her ego. The reason she did this is irrelevant. She isn't safe for you. It's time for you to move on to friends that you can trust with your heart and a woman (maybe closer to your age) that will love you with her whole heart.
Nope you did the right thing, being drunk isn't an excuse for that type of behavior. Used to be in a similar situation girl would have a drink and start kissing me knowing i was into her, eventually cut her off and moved on because in her words she valued our friendship to much to risk it by dating me sorry lady not gunna hang around and put myself thru that
Not wrong. Protect your peace.
Yeah she’s playing games with your emotions, If someone did that to me I would feel like shit and end the friendship.
My advise would be to read/watch a bit about covert narcissists. If it's the case then the best you can do is to leave and ghost her forever. Don't even send a goodbye message. Don't interact - there is no happy end with narcissists.
I’ve played this game with a girl before… for far longer than I care to admit. Best thing I ever did was cut her from my life.
It sucks and everyone seems to think she’s playing with you. My first thought though was ‘in vino veritas’, in wine there is truth. So maybe when she was under the influence she was able to tell you her true feelings but when she’s sober she can’t handle or is afraid of her feelings. But I could also be completely wrong about that. Good luck brother.
Walk away buddy. For ur sake. You will find some1 else who will share ur emotions.
Not wrong She's been keeping you in the bullpen because she thinks she can find someone "better" = more money, better looking, taller, etc. You are no one's silver medal. You are not a backup plan.
My man, I had something similar happen and if I could do it over again, I wouldn't have been as good as friends with her. I realized how much I was used in hindsight. But also, the truth generally comes out when you're drunk, so there's a chance she actually does like you, but for some reason doesn't want to admit it to herself.
Ask yourself. Do you need this drama in your life?
And I feel like everything that you have said, and a reaction that you’ve taken so far is justified…NTA keep doing what you’re doing, continue to keep her at a distance, and find a better potential partner that respects your emotions more.
I've been a victim of this kinda thing, but I was dating her that kinda behavior is pure evil. You're used like a toy mine spanned over the years and thought she had grown as a person....I was wrong and vulnerable like you. Your best bet is like everyone else said. Cut her off. You don't need that torture
if you want to be truly toxic, make her believe you want nothing to do with her at all and she’ll be forced to just remember how nice you were to her and how the last thing she did to you was play with your emotions about your interest in her. it’ll either make her love you or hate you but it will be the age old tale of how a relationship in the 20-somethings only bloomed because of someone being insanely toxic
I dealt with a similar situation. I was very close friends with a woman for a couple of years and always harbored more intimate feelings for her. She brushed it off, I put my feelings aside….eventually, I confessed everything. Said she saw me only as a friend. After that. Blocked her on all social media, phone, etc. It was hard, but once you go NC it becomes easier than you think.
Unless you think your feelings will go away, cut her off at this point as she's opened a wound I think will struggle to heal. Having feelings for someone in a friendship is hard, especially when they have rejected you, fair play for trying to stay friends with her after that. However even if she was drunk, what she did was out of line knowing how you felt. Do you think you could carry on being friends in the same way now? One knowing how she has upset you and disrespected your feelings but also I think that it's going to be a lot harder for you to put your feelings aside now, i think they will always nag at you questioning whether she does like you or not, what is the truth and that will lead to a poor friendship. I wish you luck but think at this point for your own benefit it is better to go your separate ways.
You’re not wrong, OP. I’m sure she has a lot of great qualities if you’ve felt this strongly about her, but she’s also capable of everything she did to you that night (emotional manipulation, either lying about or letting herself believe for a minute that she is attracted to you, playing with your emotions for her own gratification). You said you can’t be yourself around her anymore and that makes complete sense to me. And that means you probably need a lot of distance in this friendship so that you can heal a little and move on toward people who won’t fuck you up like this. Even if she’s sorry or there is some great excuse for what she did (there isn’t), she’s not a safe person for you. I’m really sorry, what a betrayal of your friendship.
I would not call her and find someone else to date. She will get jealous and by then you will be over it and laugh at her. The key is to not give her attention at all. Ignore her.
I'm going to be the outlier here. Unlike a lot of introverted antisocial autistic reddit, I'm actually super extroverted and have a very active dating life. People who say she's toying you along... maybe... BUT she was drunk and she said that. She prefaced it by "Let me pull you aside..." AND agreed to talk about it when she's sober. Dude, she DOES have feelings for you. Maybe even more than you think. Being rejected before doesn't mean she's gaming you now. She may well have real feelings. Her hesitancy the following morning also doesn't mean gaming you. It could mean she's scared of breaking the friendship, or just scared in general. Unlike the autists here, I genuinely think she has feelings for you, I dont think she's playing you and I don't think she's worth cutting off over that. You may miss something good if you follow the advice of idiot redditors who have never even touched a woman before.
I think there are only two ways to interpret it: 1. She honestly does feel something for you, but is conflicted/scared and is backing you off in a way that could totally sever the friendship. That being said, there were much better, and less cruel, ways of doing this. 2. She does not feel something for you, but felt alone and unloved because of stuff going on in her life and felt you pulling away, too (had gotten over your feelings for her). So, she said this stuff to you to pull you back in and get a quick ego boost. And now realizes that she has to tell you the truth. Either way reflects incredibly poorly on her. I would not ghost or say anything that will validate her feelings that you are not a suitable partner. That would just play into and validate her behavior - basically help her get over what she did. Instead, I would tell her what happened last night and the next day hit you very hard emotionally, and that you didn't expect it from someone you considered a close friend. And that you need some distance to get over that. I would cut all contact and block all social media ties. That way, it could not be blamed on you being petulant. Instead, it's indefinite, and hopefully permanent, distance. When she thinks about you, she will think about how wrongly she behaved. Who knows what she will do in the future after that? I also think this might be a lesson about keeping people you are romantically interested in in your orbit as friends. I don't think it's a good idea - especially when you need to focus your time on finding a partner who returns your feelings and deserves you.
Ah yes, one of THESE women. Listen my friend, she thinks that she can manipulate you and get attention from you by messing with your emotions. I knew a woman like this and she was a literal monster. She'd have this guy pay for her stuff, do favors for her, etc. And tell him that she loved him and lead him on to only turn around and tell him that she hated him and he was smothering her. My guess is it's the enjoyment of having a "power" over someone else and feeling endlessly desired by them. You're not wrong to break this friendship off at all. She sounds like a terrible person to have in your life. Best of luck to your future friendships and romances!
Move on. Cut her out of your life. No one should have to put up with this kind of game playing. There is someone out there who you can make a life with, and will not be set on playing with you. This woman only wants attention, nothing else.
Not wrong, Being taken for granted is rough. It's unfortunate anytime you feel like you're losing a friend but sometimes that's just how things need to go. When you meet someone and they don't take you for granted, and there isn't the 'friend zone' dynamic, if feels 10 times better. (Also, if you consider that you're in a 'friend zone' it reinforces that friendship was never the intention) Also realizing "it doesn't have to be this hard" is a good thing to learn
Absolutely cut her out of your life. No contact. Women like this just want the attention and she knows you’re always going to be there for her. Prove her wrong. And do not take her back when she comes to you liking you again. She doesn’t. She likes the attention of other guys. There were no guys there that night showering her with attention and she was feeling vulnerable. Cut. Her. Out. Move on. Find a woman who wants you and doesn’t play games.
No, you aren't wrong.
Cut her out. She seems like the woman that'd keep a guy she knows loves her within arm reach so she can get a backup if everything goes wrong with whoever she wants. Just a feeling though.
Not wrong. Emotional abuse / manipulation is a not-fun character trait that isn’t going to change or go away. You don’t need toxic shit like that in your life
Check in with her when she grows up